Synced: Clacks

[0] Whatever.

[1] No fresh.

[2] Yeah.

[3] It's chilly.

[4] Have you seen videos of people in New York right now?

[5] Why?

[6] What is it?

[7] Crazy cold.

[8] Like, it's like people are like making videos and it's like it looks like they're about to fly away.

[9] I couldn't do it.

[10] As much as I, like, I romanticize it because it's like coats and scarves and it's cute.

[11] But actually, I don't think I could do it.

[12] Also, your skin looks so glowy.

[13] I just got a highlighter.

[14] It was pushed on me by TikTok and I felt for it.

[15] It looks great.

[16] Thanks.

[17] Very glowing.

[18] Because I never had high.

[19] I never knew what to do it.

[20] I felt intimidated.

[21] Sure.

[22] By highlighter.

[23] There's so many like steps.

[24] Yeah.

[25] To do the no makeup makeup look.

[26] And highlighter is an important part of it.

[27] And I didn't have any.

[28] And so I was like, I'll just do it.

[29] I love it.

[30] And so I'm probably wearing work too much of it.

[31] No, it looks really nice.

[32] Of course, today I told Robbie didn't need video that we inside.

[33] Oh my God.

[34] You would have looked so pretty on that.

[35] You always look so pretty.

[36] And I'm wearing your sweat.

[37] I've worn this every day since you gave in me. It looks great on you.

[38] I love wearing one.

[39] I did a closet clean out, massive closet clean out, which always feels so good.

[40] Can you give tips for people?

[41] Because I think this is extremely difficult to do.

[42] I aspire to clean out my closet and to be able to throw away things, but you actually did it.

[43] I do it often.

[44] You gave things that you actually wear.

[45] Well, I would say I gave things that I like, but I didn't give things that I currently am pulling out of the closet a lot.

[46] Wow.

[47] Yes, I will give some tips on this.

[48] If you're getting into it, you might need a buddy.

[49] Oh.

[50] It helps if you have somebody else there and someone who might be hard on you a little bit, me. It would help if you had me there to say, you're not going to wear that.

[51] When was the last time you wore that?

[52] It's all prickly.

[53] It looks like you have had it for 10 years.

[54] Put it in the pile.

[55] I did that for my friend Gina, one of my best friends from childhood.

[56] Still one of my best friends.

[57] But maybe five or six years ago I went to visit.

[58] her in North Carolina and we did a big closet clean out for her.

[59] Oh, another hack.

[60] Put all the stuff in a couple big bags and then put it in a closet far away so you don't see it.

[61] You don't give it away yet.

[62] And you give yourself whatever, how much time, two weeks a month.

[63] If you haven't thought about any of those items in that time, gone.

[64] Got to go.

[65] That, I think, was the greatest hack.

[66] Because you mentioned that.

[67] You're like, at first I was just making bags to put them where else.

[68] Yeah.

[69] Ooh, what is that?

[70] Oh, man, the hack of all hacks.

[71] We're talking about hacks, so it's perfect.

[72] Body optimization.

[73] We're talking about hacks for your closet, a little different.

[74] Yeah, closet clean out.

[75] Clacks, closet hacks.

[76] Yeah, yeah.

[77] Dax is joining us today.

[78] You and I got a good thing going today.

[79] We're on fire.

[80] We started at 7 .45 a .m. We did.

[81] We already did one of our brainiest guests today.

[82] We kept up at that early hour.

[83] You did, yeah.

[84] Well, come on that.

[85] I was tired for like 40 minutes.

[86] But yeah, no, we've had a big day, but also...

[87] Rividing fact check.

[88] It's nice to have our resident armchair expert every now and then.

[89] So I just had to pop inside and back to the hack.

[90] GSI pudding.

[91] People probably are mildly familiar with it.

[92] Yeah.

[93] Monica, have you ever made yourself?

[94] Yeah, I used to make it constantly.

[95] I get in and out of it.

[96] I feel like it had it.

[97] It had a big film.

[98] Okay, it's past.

[99] But you're sticking to it, which I respect.

[100] Well...

[101] Because it's not just a trend for you.

[102] But I do want to make a case for people.

[103] As I understand it, mind you, I haven't actually prepared.

[104] it for myself, but I've watched Kristen prepare it.

[105] And to my knowledge, it can be more simple.

[106] You put a scoop of chia seeds in something and then you fill that up with some water or, in our case, some ripple protein.

[107] Yeah, milk of some sort normally.

[108] Pop it in the fridge next morning, you have this delicious pudding.

[109] That was great.

[110] We love that.

[111] We just recently started adding a scoop, 30 grams of chocolate protein to it.

[112] And now it's like a fucking dessert.

[113] I can't believe I get to have it for breakfast.

[114] Do you want to try, have a bite?

[115] Okay, I'll try a little bite.

[116] Be careful.

[117] Be careful.

[118] There's so much protein.

[119] Chiasis have a lot of protein.

[120] Do they?

[121] Yeah.

[122] Oh, wow.

[123] Mm -hmm.

[124] Ooh, it is good.

[125] It's outrageous, right?

[126] Would you like to try some?

[127] Try a bite.

[128] We're all having it.

[129] I feel like we're passing a joint.

[130] This is great.

[131] That is good.

[132] That just tastes like regular pudding.

[133] Yes, right?

[134] Chocolate pudding.

[135] Remember the pudding from all time?

[136] Oh, my.

[137] The vanilla.

[138] Oh, my God.

[139] Do they not have it anymore?

[140] No. Why?

[141] They stopped.

[142] Why?

[143] That's a war crime.

[144] I know.

[145] They had a batch.

[146] that they didn't feel was up to par.

[147] Probably still tasted great.

[148] But for them, you know, they have really high standards.

[149] And so they were like, we're not doing it until it can get back to its original place.

[150] And it hasn't been back.

[151] It was so good.

[152] Do you think they're continuing to fight towards that previous benchmark or have they thrown in the towel?

[153] Well, they're on vacation.

[154] It's like the second book curse.

[155] You know, you do something great once and then you try and do it again.

[156] And then it's, you know, very difficult.

[157] Jackie Brown.

[158] They have the best desserts.

[159] Liz and I's soulmate dessert is there.

[160] A chocolate cake.

[161] It's the best chocolate cake in the world.

[162] It's so good.

[163] Yeah.

[164] At the risk of making you jealous, Liz.

[165] Monica and I have actually have the very best dessert that's ever been made.

[166] Oh, so random.

[167] We'll never have it again.

[168] Very average hotel, too.

[169] That's part of the beauty.

[170] We were at an average hotel.

[171] And we ordered a sticky toffee pudding.

[172] It was like a random get, but then...

[173] Impulsed by, really.

[174] Changed your life.

[175] It's hard to know, though.

[176] Like, if we were at a fancy restaurant and we got it, I wonder...

[177] Our expectations were low.

[178] Yeah.

[179] But I'll add a wrinkle to actually bolster my claim, which is we had eaten Emily Burger for the first time that day.

[180] So we had already had our taste buds knocked the fuck out of the garage.

[181] True.

[182] So really, it should have...

[183] paled in comparison.

[184] You're right.

[185] What a day.

[186] What a food day.

[187] Where was this?

[188] New York.

[189] In New York.

[190] Yeah.

[191] Okay.

[192] Okay.

[193] Brooklyn.

[194] What's the best food day of your life?

[195] That's such an amazing question.

[196] I want to think about it because it's such a crucial one.

[197] What's the best food?

[198] While you're thinking, yes, go.

[199] I would definitely rank for me that day.

[200] Yeah.

[201] Is my, if not number one, I can't think of one right now.

[202] That's better.

[203] I mean, my favorite burger I've ever had in my life.

[204] And then having the favorite dessert I've ever had my life in one day.

[205] That was so sim.

[206] That would definitely be up there for me. Yeah, what's yours?

[207] That day and maybe another day in New York.

[208] Like, it's always in New York.

[209] Are you missing that a lot?

[210] I do.

[211] I do.

[212] It's probably good because you've changed your diet.

[213] I have.

[214] I wouldn't be able to enjoy the same things that I enjoyed.

[215] That's right.

[216] You might get sad.

[217] I don't know if you have this, you're not eating gluten either.

[218] I get a lot of joy out of seeing other people eat gluten.

[219] Do?

[220] Yes.

[221] You don't get jealous?

[222] I don't.

[223] I bring everyone to all time so that they can eat the chocolate cake so I can watch them and like really take it in and feel like I'm doing it too.

[224] I share that in common with you which is like I like when people do drugs.

[225] I encourage it.

[226] I think it's great.

[227] If I see someone smoking, I'm like, God bless you, man, that looks great.

[228] As a waitress, I loved when people got drunk.

[229] I really enjoyed it.

[230] Sometimes you also did get drunk.

[231] I mean, not drunk.

[232] Well, sometimes.

[233] But seeing other people go through an experience, if you're in the same vicinity of it, you can kind of get the energy from it.

[234] Yeah, I have a whole theory on it because obviously I've not drank in 19 years and I've been around people drunk.

[235] So my take on it is if you start with them at zero, you can kind of join them and be mildly infected by their abulience back this morning.

[236] That was big.

[237] I don't even know where that came from.

[238] Do we know if it's a real work?

[239] I'm not sure.

[240] It is now.

[241] Okay.

[242] It's a great work.

[243] Now, but if you walk in and people are already at age, you're fucked.

[244] If you start on the ground floor with them, you can kind of.

[245] Can I poke a home?

[246] Please do.

[247] When our group of friends did mushrooms and you were sober, you didn't like that period of us coming to get high.

[248] Then you were fine once we were.

[249] Well, let's be clear.

[250] First of all, you guys, microdose, which I was against from the get -go.

[251] And then there was a period of everyone sitting around going like, I don't know.

[252] Can you feel it?

[253] Can I feel it?

[254] Look at your hand.

[255] This is work, like that whole phase.

[256] Yeah, that's.

[257] And no one had done enough.

[258] So I was like, this is such a waste of time.

[259] No, we even did it after you gave us enough.

[260] And I gave you enough.

[261] Then there's a very predictable 15 minutes before people are high or they're just evaluating and tricking themselves into whether they're not.

[262] And that part, I did find laborious a bit.

[263] I'll pop back in when everyone's just high and they've stopped talking about whether or not they're high.

[264] That's true.

[265] Yeah, I see both.

[266] When do you get the most?

[267] I don't know if this still happens, but when does an environment increase like a craving or potentially make you wish you could?

[268] That's a good question.

[269] It certainly never happens with alcohol.

[270] I was going to say probably more about the substance itself than the environment.

[271] Exactly.

[272] And then shrooms, I will maintain this.

[273] I don't think that's an addictive thing.

[274] I've never craved more when I was on it and I never wanted it the next day.

[275] I've never been around people blowing lines hard.

[276] Like if I was around people on Coke, that might...

[277] I've said that a bunch.

[278] I don't want to be around it because that one to me is the real triggering one.

[279] Well, I also just start doing Coke as like paying to be the most annoying person in the room.

[280] Like, I've never done it.

[281] But maybe you can also be annoyed, like, people are kind of annoying if you're not on Coke.

[282] Again, I don't think I've been around people that were gacked up without me being gacked up.

[283] So I'm not sure.

[284] I don't really have any experience with that.

[285] I mean, obviously, I'll interact with somebody occasionally or I'm like, oh, they're fucking gack to the gills.

[286] They're eating their sandwich.

[287] An air sandwich.

[288] It's like chewing.

[289] Very disturbing.

[290] They're active, man. They're chewing nothing.

[291] And then they are so enthusiastically engaging in a very mundane conversation.

[292] I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, I remember this.

[293] Oh, can I ask, since we kind of dipped into it for a second, what are you missing most about New York?

[294] And what are you liking most about all I like?

[295] Do I want in a little city -by -city comparison?

[296] That's such a good question.

[297] I really miss the amount of interactions that you have in New York without planning them.

[298] It is so nice to just have conversations or even eye contact, some sort of connection with many people throughout the day, which in New York is almost impossible.

[299] possible.

[300] If you're going outside, you're like interacting with so many people.

[301] And that I think makes dating easier.

[302] Like I find dating hard in L .A. because you really have to be so deliberate and be like, we're meeting at this time.

[303] And it can be a half hour drive just to meet the person.

[304] Whereas in New York, you just run into people or it's more casual.

[305] You can drop in and it's not, you know, as much of a thing.

[306] But I think what I love about L .A. is my nervous system is so much more regulated here in a way that I think it would be jarring to go back to New York.

[307] Or, I mean, when I do go back to New York, I notice it.

[308] There's less stimuli and you're less aroused.

[309] Yes.

[310] Sometimes I'm like, this is boring, you know, but it's more in line with being in my 30s.

[311] It feels more grown up a little bit.

[312] And I like, feel like it's cozier.

[313] The night we had at your place, just going through clothes and like moving your little armour and then breaking your, well, we broke, I broke your mom.

[314] It wasn't you.

[315] You don't have to take responsibility for that.

[316] But I had to outsource, okay, as people probably know who listened to any of our shows, I have 14 armoires.

[317] You're an armoire collector.

[318] You're one of the biggest armoire collectors on the West Coast.

[319] And I had to move one for the Christmas tree, and Anna and Jess moved it.

[320] Both strong, Jess is very tall.

[321] This armoire required, unfortunately, it's tall.

[322] So to get it from one side of the apartment to the other, you have to tilt it to get it through this.

[323] Arch.

[324] They did a great job.

[325] Now it's time to put it back.

[326] I needed help.

[327] Jess and Anna came back and Liz was there also and was also helping.

[328] And I was making dumplings for everyone, except Liz, who couldn't eat it.

[329] And it was going gray.

[330] Actually, the armor hadn't even been moved yet.

[331] We were just moving the couch and stuff around to get the armoire to its rightful place.

[332] And a lamp did shatter.

[333] Under the care of Liz.

[334] Well, Liz and Jess Together is a bad guy It was just a lot They're just strong And they shoved it right into the lamp And it did implode But it was fine Because I wanted to buy a new lamp anyway You had an amazing You were like a Buddha in that moment I actually kept looking at you And being like She's gonna eventually be mad Like or like be like fuck Like now I have to But you were just looking at lamps It was a great opportunity I did immediately Last half full Look I'm not gonna get too mad I guess that's the upside of my love of shopping and love of material items.

[335] I don't get that upset when one is ruined because I know that there's always more.

[336] You have an abundant?

[337] I do have an abundance mindset for that.

[338] And then circling back.

[339] Oh, no, you have scarcity mentality for armwires.

[340] If you see when you've got to get it.

[341] It might be the last one.

[342] Well, it normally is because they're vintage.

[343] But then this leads me back to what we were talking about before you stepped in, closet cleanouts.

[344] Right.

[345] I get rid of a lot of clothes and you were able to take some, which is always so fun.

[346] How the fuck are you taking Monica's clothes?

[347] That's my sweater.

[348] Oh.

[349] You guys have much different body types.

[350] We do.

[351] They're very short.

[352] It fits differently, but still great.

[353] Also, that sweater in particular never fit me right.

[354] Probably because it wasn't really from my body, but I just loved the way it looked.

[355] So it was worked out perfectly.

[356] You've done this.

[357] You've done big closet cleanouts.

[358] It's nice to know that it's going to be going.

[359] Yeah, sometimes I'm in a group and I look and I start noticing like, oh, yeah, there's a piece of my clothing on every guy here.

[360] I know.

[361] It's so fun.

[362] I love it.

[363] It makes you feel less wasteful.

[364] It can have many lives.

[365] I've long wanted to ask this, but this just brought it to the surface, which is I have such curiosity of how you and Jess get along.

[366] No one ever likes being told they're like anyone else.

[367] But I feel like you guys have a lot of similar characteristics.

[368] They can always go one of two ways.

[369] It's either oil and oil or oil and whatever.

[370] I've been very curious how your guys's interactions are.

[371] I love Jess.

[372] I don't know how just feels about me. Yeah.

[373] I think at first I thought he didn't like me, but I love Jess.

[374] I adore him.

[375] And I do see kind of the similar.

[376] We're both a little, you guys are similar in a lot of ways.

[377] You're different in ways too.

[378] For sure.

[379] But obviously, the yin and yang that you two have was also the same yin and yang that Monica and he have.

[380] One is more impulsive.

[381] One's dating a ton, but one's not dating at all, but neither person has a long term.

[382] These things are pretty similar.

[383] And we had a conversation actually at your closet.

[384] clean out.

[385] You and Jess were connecting.

[386] We were.

[387] We were both being a little, well, we weren't being shamed, but you guys were like, so basically, I thought it was a good public shaming.

[388] I was like, oh, I needed to hear this.

[389] So at one point, we're talking about dating or whatever, and I used the term out of my league.

[390] And maybe I used it more than once or something like that to refer to different people or maybe with my roommate situation.

[391] I was like, she's out of his league.

[392] Like, she's way harder than him.

[393] And Anna, you and Julia, were kind of reactive to that and we're like, why are you using that term?

[394] That's not a thing.

[395] Like, that's not true.

[396] And then Jess was like, yeah, I guess I do do that.

[397] I'm like, oh, that guy is way hotter and you feel good when you get someone that's like out of your league.

[398] And at that point, I did think like, oh, yeah, Jess and I do have things that I probably haven't even thought about in common.

[399] What do you think?

[400] Can I say something really, really quick?

[401] Okay.

[402] You said that you went on a date with someone who was out of your league.

[403] That's how it started.

[404] Okay.

[405] You weren't saying people were below you.

[406] You were saying someone was above you, which led to no, they're not out of your league.

[407] you believe them to be because of X, Y, and Z, but that is not true.

[408] You're offering so much that they aren't, and how are you evaluating this?

[409] It was to tell you that you're better than what you think you are.

[410] Yeah, yeah.

[411] Assessment of yourself.

[412] Yes.

[413] But, like, it's also...

[414] When you say shame, is it because you felt like what they were suggesting is that you were vain and trivial?

[415] I think my immediate reaction was, oh, I'm like less of And they have a much more evolved view of dating and relationships.

[416] And I'm creating these hierarchies and I value power and status and give importance to that.

[417] And, like, they don't.

[418] I, like, thought a lot about it the whole week afterwards.

[419] I was like, oh, right.

[420] I still do believe in the, I believe in numbers.

[421] Like, I think that there are tens and then there are sevens.

[422] And, like, a 10 to me could be a seven to you.

[423] But I do think that they're a rankings.

[424] Yeah, you have a hierarchy in your mind of what you find most attractive.

[425] Right.

[426] And also what would be the most desirable occupation for somebody and what would, yeah, I think it'd be, it'd be naive and untruthful to say we don't have some hierarchical preferences.

[427] We obviously do.

[428] But it's based on so many factors.

[429] So for me, there isn't a 10.

[430] I really believe that.

[431] I'm not just saying that to be like, you guys, that's bad.

[432] I don't know a 10.

[433] But do you have a hottest in your mind?

[434] Based on what?

[435] That's the thing.

[436] Yes, I know 10 physicality.

[437] they're not a 10 to me as a whole, like that math makes no sense to me. Like if you're averaging out all the things, how smart they are, how funny they are, how sweet they are, how hot.

[438] There's so many things to give a number to that I can't do it like that.

[439] Well, what I liked about your response, because you referenced someone that you'd been on a date, like dates with, that there was not a league thing, but sort of similar to that.

[440] And what you said was, we're in different places in our lives.

[441] Yeah.

[442] By the way, that person is out of my league in a lot of ways.

[443] But he's not out of my league in the ways that matter to me. So that's my whole point.

[444] What are we doing?

[445] But to him, you're out of his league based on maybe what he values, too.

[446] We don't know that.

[447] We don't know how he evaluated me. Sure.

[448] Let's get him on the phone.

[449] Rob, patch him through.

[450] I mean, I don't think he did think that.

[451] Well, so when there's a significant difference in money, I think for guys, I think that's hard to overcome.

[452] It can be, yeah.

[453] I think women can overlook it a little bit more, but I think for guys, if they can't offer that, that's an ego thing for sure.

[454] It's an ego thing in our society and what men are supposed to bring to relationships versus what women are supposed to bring in relationships.

[455] I think when men can't totally stereotypically.

[456] And again, you can't ignore the data that says women only date laterally and above and men date laterally and below.

[457] But again, that's based on average.

[458] Like, I financially, likely, am not going to date laterally or above.

[459] Let's be honest.

[460] So that doesn't mean, I just like...

[461] Mel Gates is single.

[462] Fuck, okay.

[463] Yeah, I forgot.

[464] So is Brad Pitt.

[465] A lot of that.

[466] Never mind.

[467] I take it back.

[468] I am going to ladder.

[469] I'm just saying, that's not even on my radar of trying.

[470] I think that's great that you are able to completely ignore that.

[471] People are going to find me unlikable.

[472] But I find that it's harder to date the more successful I get.

[473] In my 20s, when I was dating, I didn't.

[474] And even if there was a gap in sort of success.

[475] it was still like malleable, whereas now it's like, we're in different places.

[476] Okay, so you find it harder because the people who aren't as successful as you are threatened by it.

[477] I think it goes both ways.

[478] I think there must be some level of feeling intimidated, but I actually think it's even more coming from me where, yeah, I'll be on a date and I talked to you about this date.

[479] I'd been on like a FaceTime date.

[480] At one point he references like, oh, yeah, I could never live in New York.

[481] It's way too expensive.

[482] And I was like, okay, well, that, again, not that I, you didn't like that.

[483] Well, it makes me think, well, that would actually potentially curtail my career, right?

[484] Like, if there are certain places we can't live, like right now, obviously I live in L .A., but I might have to live in New York at one point.

[485] And so if you can't afford to live, you know what I mean?

[486] I hated that it created this internal.

[487] Well, I would argue, though, that there was actually a deeper thing under what that person said, which is, I couldn't live there.

[488] It's too expensive.

[489] So what you've learned already is that ambition -wise, they don't even hold that as an option.

[490] That's not obviously something they're going to pursue.

[491] So they've almost capped their own ambition outwardly to you.

[492] And it's okay to want a partner who's ambitious and engaged in fighting the fight.

[493] So it's like it's also really important to understand what the subtext of everything you're responding to is.

[494] It might not be literally you can or cannot be in New York.

[495] But anyone that says, like, I could never do this.

[496] They've told you a little bit about their own expectations.

[497] Yeah, that's true.

[498] Yeah, that's true.

[499] I mean, also, these things are primal, right?

[500] Like, there's a deeper thing underneath of this person can't take care of me if they're not financially strong.

[501] Right.

[502] And I have a luxury.

[503] I don't need someone to take care of me financially.

[504] And I don't think you do either.

[505] Clearly.

[506] Exactly.

[507] But I think you think you do, if I'm being honest.

[508] I think you still place yourself in a, you don't see your level of success.

[509] I think you have a hard time seeing it.

[510] which is nice.

[511] It makes you modest.

[512] But in dating, I think that can maybe be a problem for you because you don't see everything you come to the table with and you don't need anyone to fill those spaces.

[513] Synct is supported by Rocket Money.

[514] Okay.

[515] This just happened where I think I might have like three or four, but I just realized that I had two subscriptions.

[516] And these are not cheap.

[517] They add up.

[518] It's so frustrating.

[519] And Rocket Money, it's a personal finance app, and it finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions.

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[522] I feel like a lot of these subscription services now are banking on you forgetting.

[523] I feel like it's the new frontier and consumer, like, human rights, if that's the thing.

[524] Because I started playing guitar, and I realized because of Rocket Money, I was paying for, again, two subscriptions to one little guitar app.

[525] And again, it's like $15 a month.

[526] I know.

[527] These things are not, it's not like $1.

[528] You're saving, it adds up, especially if you think about it for over like several years that you're doing this.

[529] Exactly.

[530] And Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million on canceled subscriptions.

[531] So stop wasting your money on things that you don't use.

[532] Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney .com slash sync.

[533] That's rocketmoney .com.

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[535] S -Y -N -C.

[536] RocketMoney .com slash sync.

[537] We are supported by Open.

[538] If you want to know the secret to pretty much anything, stress, I mean, really stress, it's breathwork.

[539] And it's why we love the open app because we are constantly trying out things to feel grounded to the earth.

[540] And, you know, some things work.

[541] Some things don't.

[542] But one thing that's always working is breathing.

[543] I find breathwork to be one of the most underrated practices out there for mental health and physical health.

[544] And Open is the first one that I've really found.

[545] It's just so easy to use and makes me like want to do breathwork.

[546] Because sometimes breathwork can be like, I mean, it's not a chore, but it's like another thing on your list.

[547] But it really only takes five minutes a day and it feels so good to do it.

[548] I really like doing it before sleep.

[549] Yeah.

[550] Because I end up like staying up and kind of tossing and turning.

[551] But when I'm using the open app and I use their meditations before bed, I'm asleep in under 10 minutes.

[552] It's really incredible.

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[554] If you want to get on our daily routine, you can get 30 days free of Open by visiting withopen .com slash synced.

[555] Again, 30 days free by visiting withopen .com slash synced.

[556] Can I ask a question of both of you?

[557] It would be easy to be dishonest in this moment, maybe even unaware, but how much of that, this whole league thing, is your own assessment?

[558] And then what percentage of it is your factoring and also what your friendship group would think of this pairing?

[559] I want to know how weighted that is.

[560] Because I think there's two things happening here.

[561] There's, wow, I fell in love with this person.

[562] They surfed their mom's couch.

[563] I don't really care.

[564] It's going to be a bummer to bring him out to dinner.

[565] And I'm going to sit there while everyone asks what he does.

[566] Like, do we know what percentage is what?

[567] Because I think another way through this would be to hone in on your own personal values and measures and ignore the external ones, which is hard.

[568] but I think there's growth within that as well, which is like, yeah, this motherfucker doesn't do a thing.

[569] Check them out.

[570] But I'm in love with it.

[571] You know, I wonder how much is the pressure of your social group.

[572] It's so extreme, though, right?

[573] Because we are not going to be attracted to someone who does nothing.

[574] I mean, I'm not.

[575] Like, that's just boring.

[576] I need that.

[577] I need a partner to have something going on.

[578] It doesn't need to be high status or it doesn't need to be extremely financially lucrative.

[579] But inaction is a turnoff to you.

[580] Exactly.

[581] But if they're like a fucking awesome third grade teacher, yes, that's amazing.

[582] And that's something I don't have and they're doing and that's great.

[583] I'd be happy to bring someone like that to a group.

[584] But back to do you ever feel yourself modeling out the interaction among your peer group?

[585] What the response will be when you present this person.

[586] I do.

[587] Yeah, I think everyone does to some agree.

[588] I think it's just degrees, right?

[589] I just haven't gotten far enough to get there.

[590] Well, let me ask you, there's two different dudes you were today.

[591] a few months ago.

[592] When you were on these dates, did it ever crush your mind like, okay, what would happen if I brought this person to a pot hang?

[593] Like, did that enter your analysis at all?

[594] Right.

[595] Because it was so far out.

[596] Yeah, it was not even remotely on the table yet.

[597] I was still evaluating my time with them.

[598] There was a recent interaction with somebody that was very high status that I thought was mutually quite cute and connected and I saw that there was something brewing between you and this other person.

[599] And then I myself thought, Wow, what a great addition to the pod, this person would be.

[600] And then how could you not feel like the person I brought is additive?

[601] Like, this is a good offering I went out and snagged for us as a collective.

[602] Like, it's in the mix and it's fair for it to be in the mix.

[603] I think even more than that, for me, it's like a litmus test where I'll be like, what would, and sometimes I do do it with you guys, like, what would they think?

[604] Would they think they're funny?

[605] And sort of seeing that person through the eyes of the people that you respect and that you care about when you're unsure.

[606] or, again, you're, like, sussing someone out is interesting.

[607] Yeah, and I don't think it should be binary.

[608] Either you include that or you don't.

[609] It's just, like, what is the percentage and what do we think is a productive percentage to be considering that?

[610] Because I do think a lot of people are very happy.

[611] Look at these men who are with these trophy people.

[612] My friend Eric was just showing me a post of this dude he's friends with, who's a billionaire, who's with this person.

[613] I was looking at it and the breeding the thing.

[614] And I was like, this would kill me. I'd be so embarrassed to be showing up to dinner with a 23 -year -old.

[615] So that's in the mix.

[616] Like, when I think about myself moving through the world at 50 years old with the 20, that's humiliating to me. So that is, it's on the table.

[617] Yeah, all of those things are things that you think through.

[618] I think that's what's so hard about.

[619] Dating is you're like, oh, yeah, my friends don't like him, but I like him.

[620] And does that mean I should be with him?

[621] I should do what my heart wants.

[622] And I'm in this relationship.

[623] But it's really hard to, there's just so many factors to take into consideration into the equation of whether you should be with someone.

[624] But I do think minimally, we could probably all agree.

[625] that it shouldn't be more than 50 % of your decision.

[626] It should not.

[627] And you can't be with someone in order, not you, in general, in order to elevate your status within your group.

[628] Oh, no. So it's not like I should date this person because people in the group will think that's cool.

[629] That is not going to work.

[630] Then it's not about the relationship.

[631] You're starting it off in a ledger.

[632] I mean, I guess that's part of why it's nice to start out in these groups, single, because you're already.

[633] do you, you bring your own shit to the table, you hope that whoever else comes with you isn't going to detract or enhance.

[634] Well, enhance would be great.

[635] But it shouldn't, I mean, they can be a cool addition that people can like, but it shouldn't enhance you.

[636] But there might be a version of you that's in love and having fun that actually makes a better version of you.

[637] Even though you were a perfect version on your own, this union might elevate the whole thing.

[638] That's the ideal, right?

[639] You become a better version of yourself when you're you're with that person.

[640] I don't know.

[641] I don't know.

[642] I mean, yes, I hear what you're saying.

[643] I also think it's dangerous because these things are tenuous.

[644] So I don't think that.

[645] I think I want a partner to enhance my life and have great conversation and go to dinner and make my life more enriched, but not make me better or more likable or more happier.

[646] Like I want to be happy.

[647] with or without.

[648] And I am for the most part.

[649] But I'll say that I trusted people less.

[650] I was less optimistic.

[651] I was less patient.

[652] I was more road ragey.

[653] I was more greedy.

[654] I got all those qualities from Kristen.

[655] Not because she asked me to, but because I observed how she was moving through life and I noticed the results of which.

[656] And I would have been foolish to deny those.

[657] It's just like AA.

[658] I'm watching someone and try a technique, lo and behold, that's helped with the similar problem I have.

[659] And I think it's made me more appealing through having been in a relationship with her.

[660] So I think that also happens too.

[661] You've learned stuff from her.

[662] Exactly.

[663] You've learned stuff from her.

[664] She's learned stuff from you.

[665] But her example has made me a, I think a more, back to the point.

[666] Like, I think you guys enjoy being around me more simply because I did adopt some of the quality.

[667] Yeah, you learn from her.

[668] But if she were to go away, now you have those things.

[669] Oh, yeah.

[670] It's not like now this entity is better.

[671] Your relationship with her, just like your relationship with many people, it doesn't necessarily have to be an intimate partner.

[672] You can gain stuff from and take.

[673] And you don't need a thing.

[674] I've been best friends with you for eight years and it's been great.

[675] I'm not asking you to get better in any way.

[676] Well, I do need to get better.

[677] But the notion that you would have liked me 17 years ago, I guarantee it.

[678] Yeah.

[679] But you would probably like this version more.

[680] So what I'm saying is like, yes, I already like you.

[681] But my hunch is there's a possibility that I would only.

[682] like you even more in four years.

[683] You might like me less.

[684] I could like you less.

[685] There are things that happen in those, in relationships where you change in other ways that maybe you'd be like, oh, fuck.

[686] That's normally what happens when I see people enter relationships.

[687] Things go away.

[688] Like what availability or more?

[689] No, not just availability.

[690] Even like parts of personalities get dimmed.

[691] That happens.

[692] I've been around so many people who've paired up in my lifetime.

[693] It's not always good.

[694] And to your point, there are probably.

[695] probably some of my friends from Detroit that would argue I have gotten worse, like that I've gotten more naive or that I have gotten soft or that I have gotten delusioned or, you know, so probably sure, some folks from my past might think that these changes have been degrading.

[696] Well, there's also a thing of like, do you think this is kind of controversial, but do you think women, because I can relate a little bit to what you're saying where some of my, but it only applies to my female friends.

[697] My male friends won't get.

[698] You don't see dudes losing themselves.

[699] Yeah.

[700] But women, you can, right?

[701] And it's not that they become a worse version of themselves, but they become more sort of, yeah, different.

[702] I'll be fair.

[703] I can think of two examples with men where it's happened, where there's like a shininess that has gone away.

[704] Well, do you think that's because they're with the wrong person?

[705] No, I don't.

[706] I think it's about the compromise that's happened in their life.

[707] They might be a better person in general or there's things that are better for their life, but as just like a hang, things are gone.

[708] Interesting.

[709] I gotta know who that is.

[710] Can't say.

[711] I don't want to say.

[712] Are you afraid that that's going to happen to you?

[713] I don't think it can because I don't think I'll be in a relationship.

[714] At this point in my life, I'm unwilling to shed parts of my personality that I like, happy to shed the ones I don't.

[715] And if that person can be responsible for it, great.

[716] But I don't know though.

[717] Who knows?

[718] I think relationships can reveal to you the more difficult parts of yourself, but you have to be willing to, like, work through them, right?

[719] Which you, you know, working through, I don't know, road rage, right?

[720] Or like, that must have been still difficult or confronting.

[721] And you had to be like, okay, I'm going to work on this.

[722] I'm going to add, though, that she never said to me I needed to be more like her.

[723] And I never said to her she needed to be more like me. If you're trying to change somebody, you probably shouldn't be in this relationship.

[724] If you think it's your job to change them.

[725] But if just by being an example of equality, ends up appealing to your partner and they adopt it.

[726] That to me seems great.

[727] But I think what happens a lot with like these women who lose their personalities, like the dude's really controlling.

[728] He's threatened by some part of her personality.

[729] And then he starts rigorously trying to snuff that out.

[730] I mean, that's poor things.

[731] I think it's like men are attracted to these whimsical, free -spirited creatures.

[732] And then as soon as they're with them, they're terrified that that same whimsy will take them away from them.

[733] They're attracted to their singleness in some way.

[734] ways, like the things that make you single, which is this sort of like, I can do whatever I want, I do whatever I want.

[735] They like that.

[736] And then in the relationship, that part is obviously inherently gone.

[737] It's connected to availability in some ways.

[738] This happens.

[739] There's almost every female huge musician we interview, or even Paris Hilton, it's like, they're completely attracted to the power they have.

[740] And then the second that they're linked to it, they feel small compared to it.

[741] and that this powerful person will have better options than them.

[742] So the only way to limit their options is to reduce their power.

[743] I don't even know that they're conscious of it.

[744] But it seems to be one of the most well -worn patterns and tropes you see.

[745] It's just like all these men who are attracted to these powerful women, the second they're with them, they're like, well, everyone's attracted to their power, just like I was.

[746] I got to get rid of this power.

[747] I'm too insecure.

[748] Yeah.

[749] And it's this idea that like, which I definitely used to do, which I was very attracted to powerful men or like, who were extremely confident.

[750] Like, what was the minimum bench press?

[751] They had to...

[752] The minimum, I have not...

[753] Just being literal with power.

[754] Right.

[755] But the flip side is when you're with a person like that, yeah, they're super fun, they're super gregarious, and actually it made me more confident because I would see how they would act and how they would respond to life.

[756] They didn't tell me to do things differently, but I was like, oh, wow, that's so much better.

[757] But then, yeah, the flip side is, then when you're with your own group of friends, they take up all of the oxygen.

[758] And, like, they're going to do that right when they're doing their shiny thing, but they're going to do it in your life too.

[759] And so at a certain point, I had to also be like, I can't just want that one part of them in that one setting or a few settings, but not the other settings.

[760] I have to live with, yeah, there's always a positive and a negative to every quality and being accepting to all the parts.

[761] I think it does happen in reverse, and I think I've observed it.

[762] And hopefully I've been critical enough of men to now say this without getting burned at the stake.

[763] But I also, I think I've observed this with women doing it to men in terms of sports stars.

[764] which is they find this literally a hyper male.

[765] They over -index on testosterone by like 3x.

[766] There are three standard deviations above.

[767] They are in the paint battling dudes.

[768] And then when they also are on the road and cheat, that's a shock.

[769] And to me, there's something teetzy bit naive about this.

[770] It's like, well, you can't want the hyper over -indexing testosterone sweating phenom.

[771] And then for him to be a church mouse as soon as he leaves the court.

[772] that seems a little naive.

[773] Well, if he says I'm committing, I probably wouldn't do it because I do think that you're right.

[774] But if they aren't committing and you're just like, but we've been dating a long time and like they should at this point be committed to me. No, they're not going to.

[775] This is who they are.

[776] This is who they want to be.

[777] I do think if people say that I'm committing and then they don't, that's unfair.

[778] Like, it is.

[779] People shouldn't go against their work.

[780] But I've said a lot of bunch of times.

[781] and people hate when I say this, but I actually think it's just me being enormously realistic, which is like, I met Kristen, she's a movie star, she is away on sets for months at a time, pretending she's in love with people.

[782] I like the whole package.

[783] I've taken on more risk.

[784] I've taken on the risk of far more people are attracted to her.

[785] I've taken on the risk of she's alone and pretending to be in love with people.

[786] So it's like, I can't have this prized, elusive thing and not acknowledge that I'm taking on more risk.

[787] I have to be a little more realistic about my expectations.

[788] I entered it going like, there may be a day in her mid -40s.

[789] She makes out with a dude in her trailer.

[790] And I think I can live with that.

[791] And I can.

[792] Because if I wanted someone that there was no threat, I would marry someone that doesn't leave their house and no one knows exists and no one's attracted to.

[793] That would be the safest bet for me. I think it's fine that you can look at it like that.

[794] I think it's great.

[795] You can.

[796] I think it's also okay for people to expect commitment.

[797] I think of someone says, I do have a lot of opportunity.

[798] in this, like, they have to understand.

[799] I'm going to have a lot of temptation in this life.

[800] I'm going to have a lot of options.

[801] But I do think people are...

[802] I'm choosing this person every day.

[803] I agree with you.

[804] I think both parties can be very naive.

[805] I think the dude making the commitment or the movie star female making the commitment often isn't entirely realistic with what their life's going to be like in this role.

[806] So I think it's on both sides.

[807] But I just think you don't get something for nothing.

[808] Right.

[809] And it's denying the reality of risk.

[810] There's measurable degrees of risk, and they vary, and they're predictable.

[811] And sure, there's outliers and this and that, but I don't think you can want your cake and eat it too.

[812] You want the hottest dude in school?

[813] Guess what?

[814] Every other girl thinks he's hot, too.

[815] That's the reality.

[816] He's got all the options.

[817] If you want no threats, go to the dude that no one likes.

[818] There's no options.

[819] And maybe he'll cheat on you too, right?

[820] Exactly.

[821] I'm not saying it's okay.

[822] I'm just talking about living realistically.

[823] Yeah.

[824] Within you want huge rewards you take on.

[825] more risk.

[826] It's pretty consistent across everything.

[827] But again, huge rewards.

[828] You're saying the huge reward is that you get the status that that person has.

[829] Like, that's, that's why we can't be searching for that.

[830] You have to be searching for the connection.

[831] It's not about the movie star person or the person no one likes.

[832] It's what is happening between two people.

[833] Not just like the status, but someone like Kristen is like, she's so talented and, you know, has all these qualities.

[834] A less triggering where it would be charisma, because it's not really status implicit.

[835] It's just like someone with enormous amounts of charisma, you are going to be attracted to.

[836] And so is everyone else.

[837] That's how it is.

[838] I think it's about recognizing the difference between the fantasy of being with that person and what it's actually going to be like, which is what you're describing, which is, and maybe they never cheat, but you'll be aware of the amount of temptation and even that can drive you crazy, right?

[839] And so do you want to be, or can you tolerate that?

[840] This is a pretty common pattern.

[841] I've also observe is like two people have been together for a long time.

[842] One of them gets in great shape out of nowhere.

[843] And they're not getting validated or the partner's not very excited about it because it's old fucking news.

[844] So then they always, they've worked so hard.

[845] They wanted that validation.

[846] They're not getting it.

[847] And then they turn.

[848] I've seen it with wives.

[849] I've seen it with husbands.

[850] That also happens.

[851] Yeah.

[852] That's also them using their body as a big bandaid for whatever misconnection is happening between the two people.

[853] Expecting your partner to now.

[854] like you more because your body's changed, it's not going to work.

[855] But it works at the beginning.

[856] That's why it's misleading.

[857] At the beginning, people do have a body type they're in search of it.

[858] And when they get it, they're super horny and excited for it.

[859] But then it just turns into white noise.

[860] You adjust.

[861] It's not novel.

[862] And it's, you know it's yours and all these different things that are bouncing around.

[863] Yeah.

[864] We are supported by Factor.

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[869] Or they don't have it and then you have to go to a different place.

[870] Yes.

[871] I just had my whole family at my house and Factor was such a hit.

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[880] We never talked about the hacks.

[881] Well, we put the clothes in the bags.

[882] You put them away for a month.

[883] No, we did.

[884] Okay.

[885] And then a friend.

[886] Maybe I'll start a business, a biz.

[887] Oh, I love that.

[888] I apologize if it felt like I hijacked that thing.

[889] No, not at all.

[890] Not at all, not at all.

[891] We really were done with closet clean out.

[892] Was that a question?

[893] No, we just started talking about it.

[894] Because Liz was wearing on my sweat.

[895] That resulted from the closet cleanup.

[896] But then I forget.

[897] Oh, yeah, I was commenting on Liz's highlighter.

[898] She has a highlighter on.

[899] She has a new skin product on her face, a highlighter.

[900] And you like the results?

[901] I think it looks really nice.

[902] Thanks.

[903] And I wanted to talk.

[904] I did.

[905] We'll save this for next week because, I mean, unless you want to contribute to this, our top five favorite beauty products.

[906] Ooh.

[907] I have one.

[908] I know.

[909] Do you want to say?

[910] No, I've bogarded a lot.

[911] No. I mean, why don't, we'll talk about ours next week.

[912] Vicki Becky's tinted moisturizer.

[913] Yeah, you love it.

[914] Yeah.

[915] With the Augustina spader.

[916] Good job.

[917] I know.

[918] I don't know any of those.

[919] They have a collab.

[920] That sounded like almost gynecological.

[921] Yeah.

[922] Augustinus.

[923] Spadee.

[924] Do I hear Spatty in there?

[925] Augustinus Bader.

[926] Yeah, I love the tinted moisturizer.

[927] And I panic.

[928] They're often out of it because it's so good.

[929] You got to stock up.

[930] All right.

[931] So next week, you think about your five.

[932] I have to think about my five, too, because I don't know what I would pick.

[933] I also like crust 3D white a lot for my teeth.

[934] Oh, the strips or the toothpaste?

[935] The toothpaste.

[936] Oh, well, I feel like they're all the same, but they're not to you.

[937] In my mind.

[938] They are not all the same.

[939] No?

[940] You've stumbled into an old wound for Monica.

[941] Oh, God.

[942] Well, no, just an old loyalty, which is because I use arm and hammer.

[943] paroxy care.

[944] And if I use anything else, my mouth falls off.

[945] I've seen it happen.

[946] Yeah, you've seen my mouth on the floor.

[947] You've done.

[948] No, really, I get these, like, weird, like, the inside of my mouth, like, peels.

[949] No way.

[950] You get, like, canker sores?

[951] Well, I do get mouth ulcers if I don't use the paroxy care, but also the skin, like, peels within my mouth.

[952] I have that all the time.

[953] Maybe I should switch to your chestace care.

[954] It's really good.

[955] I just thought I just ate all our hot toss, but maybe I'm using the wrong teethase.

[956] Do you get mouth ulcers?

[957] All the time.

[958] You do?

[959] Yeah, I'm always playing around with it.

[960] But that's more anxiety -driven?

[961] That's what I thought, because I play with them, and then they grow.

[962] I mean, my dad introduced it to me because he has mouth ulcers.

[963] And then it fixed his.

[964] He gave it to me fixed.

[965] Okay.

[966] I'm going to pass in that challenge.

[967] Praise be to him.

[968] We're all living in a sim.

[969] Yes, exactly.

[970] Yeah, exactly.

[971] If you're not going to listen to him.

[972] The architect.

[973] I have never smelt anything.

[974] on my dad, ever.

[975] I've never smelled breath on him.

[976] I've never smelled B .O. He doesn't have a smell.

[977] Proof of his simus.

[978] I'm grateful for it.

[979] He's definitely an avatar.

[980] Yeah, there's no way because dad's always have a smell.

[981] Did your dad have a smell?

[982] Really?

[983] Yeah.

[984] I love it.

[985] You know, it's your dad's.

[986] Did your dad have a smell?

[987] Fucking obsession by Calvin Klein.

[988] He must have put three, four ounces on a day.

[989] But, I mean, did he have like a fair amount smell?

[990] You could never know.

[991] I mean, you couldn't have gotten through.

[992] What about his breath?

[993] Forrest's feel.

[994] He had really bad breath.

[995] He drank six, seven pots of coffee a day, smoked cigarettes.

[996] It was bad.

[997] It was rough.

[998] My brother and I always complained about it.

[999] And you know the story.

[1000] I was at the Teen Choice Awards.

[1001] And it was quite an eventful thing from beginning to end because I brought him and he didn't know what a seat filler was.

[1002] And if you're in the audience, you don't know what a seat filler is.

[1003] When you look at the audience of an award show, every seat is full.

[1004] But clearly many of those seats are of the people that are backstage.

[1005] So they have people on hand to sit in those seats while the performers are backstead.

[1006] so that there's not empty seats in the audience.

[1007] I should have explained that to my father.

[1008] So I get on stage.

[1009] I'm in the middle of reading the teleprompter, and I can see my father's on his feet yelling at a woman who has stolen my seat.

[1010] Oh, my God.

[1011] Textbook Dave Senior.

[1012] Oh, no. I want to get the fuck out of there.

[1013] And so I come off stage, and I immediately grab him, and I just want to leave there.

[1014] And I'm walking across the parking lot.

[1015] I think you remember this.

[1016] And lo and behold, we bump into Jessica Alba.

[1017] Who is at peak Jessica Alba Powers?

[1018] This is like 2006.

[1019] And I had been on an episode of Punked with her.

[1020] What he doesn't even know is that I've hung out with her a few times.

[1021] He makes his way immediately over to her, and he approaches her and starts talking into her nose like it's the microphone at a bank.

[1022] Dax talks about you so much.

[1023] He thinks you're great.

[1024] You should exchange numbers.

[1025] He's trying to wingman me with this starlet.

[1026] And I am fucking elevating.

[1027] out of my body going like, well, this is about as bad as it could go.

[1028] He's talking into her nose holes.

[1029] And he doesn't have great breath.

[1030] That's a euphemism.

[1031] Oh, what did she do?

[1032] She was kind about it.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] Oh, is that rough for me?

[1035] I forgive you and I love you, Dave.

[1036] You know, it's funny.

[1037] You don't talk about being embarrassed by him much, but I talk about being embarrassed by my parents.

[1038] We talk about it.

[1039] And they're relatively not embarrassing, to be fair to them.

[1040] Of thousand percent.

[1041] And in fairness, I often was not embarrassed by him.

[1042] He always drove cool cars.

[1043] He had pretty good style.

[1044] But on a hot mic with that breath, that was rough.

[1045] With obviously an actor that I am very attracted to.

[1046] Right.

[1047] Yes.

[1048] But everyone's parents are embarrassing.

[1049] We all, like, shipped a little bit when we're interacting with other people's parents, too.

[1050] You become a little more accepting.

[1051] I'll also say that for most of my life, my mother was additive for me. I thought, like, oh, good, she's here.

[1052] They're going to like me more because she's such a catch.

[1053] wonderful.

[1054] This is his only feather in my cap till she'll start talking about like anal sex or something recoil a little bit.

[1055] Oh boy, oh boy.

[1056] All right, let's do some questions.

[1057] I want to see if there's any that are specifically like, any car questions on there?

[1058] I want ones that you'll connect with Dax, but that won't get you in trouble.

[1059] That is a narrowing.

[1060] Can't seem to find me. I'll just listen.

[1061] No, no, no, no, no. Okay, we're going to try it.

[1062] Okay.

[1063] My boyfriend thinks the blame for S .A. sexual assault is 50 -50 between the girl and the guy, Lauren.

[1064] My boyfriend and I were recently watching the news when we heard about a story of a girl's parent suing a basketball player for sexually assaulting their daughter at a party.

[1065] She was intoxicated and couldn't consent.

[1066] When we heard the story, we immediately had different reactions.

[1067] He shook his head and said she probably touched him, led him on, voluntarily went to the room with him, etc. And if we ever have a daughter, he wants to teach him.

[1068] not to get into these situations.

[1069] Now, to be fair, we don't know the details of what happened in this story, but I was completely taken aback that he focused entirely on the girl's actions instead of the athlete's actions.

[1070] I said I'd rather focus on teaching our son that if the girl doesn't say yes, she's saying no. He basically thinks the guy shouldn't have had sex with the girl, but the girl shouldn't have let him on.

[1071] So they're both at fault.

[1072] I've been with him for almost two years, but is this a big red flag that I missed?

[1073] Or am I overreacting on one story we don't actually know the details of?

[1074] I want to hear Liz's opinions first.

[1075] I mean, I don't know the details of this story, but I find the details less important than where he went to with what information was available.

[1076] That doesn't matter what actually is true about the story.

[1077] Yes.

[1078] If there was information about her leading him on, whatever that means, that would be, I guess, different.

[1079] But the fact that it's a pretty neutral story and that that's his inclination is to go into why she's responsible.

[1080] I mean, I would feel uneasy and have a lot more points.

[1081] questions about why her behavior is being scrutinized and like his isn't.

[1082] And also the fact that the parents are suing, I'm assuming she's not 18.

[1083] You can't sue on behalf of unless she's under conservatorship.

[1084] My parents can't sue someone for doing something to me. So I'm assuming she's under 18 when it happened.

[1085] So that's even more kind of clear that there's a power dynamic if she was a minor when it happened on top of it.

[1086] If he was an adult, then to me, it just feels pretty clear -cut.

[1087] Yeah, we can spend time trying to dissect like the details which we don't have and they don't maybe even have.

[1088] If there can be a conversation of, okay, so let me tell you about why this makes me feel uneasy, why our conversation makes me feel uneasy.

[1089] And you explain it and then there's some understanding, then maybe they're like, you know, you can move forward with some understanding of one another.

[1090] But if it's very stubborn, And it's, the woman is to blame it.

[1091] That would be hard for me as well.

[1092] Maybe his friend was an athlete and was accused of sexual assault.

[1093] And it was, you know, maybe there was a case of there's like a personal thing for him.

[1094] And that's why he's leaning this way.

[1095] I would have more questions.

[1096] More conversations about it.

[1097] What do you think?

[1098] I think the first thing that's already interesting is the stuff that you guys honed in on the stuff that I honed in.

[1099] So I think there's a bunch of information here.

[1100] And we're all kind of circling the things that are concerning to, ourselves.

[1101] And I doubt we're even talking about the same details of the story.

[1102] When I hear that, what I can relate to him on is the sentence I heard that scares the fuck out of me is she couldn't consent because she was intoxicated.

[1103] It doesn't say that she was passed out.

[1104] It doesn't say that she said, no. It says she can't consent because she's intoxicated.

[1105] That's an incredibly dangerous realm.

[1106] So you say anyone that's intoxicated, you can't have sex with because they are incapable of consenting.

[1107] That's a pretty crazy world to enter into when all young people fuck when they're drunk.

[1108] If you're considering that you should never have sex when both people are drunk because you might wake up in the morning and go to jail, that's a very scary proposition.

[1109] What I totally reject from his point of view is like she led him on.

[1110] That stuff to me is repugnant and you can want to blow each other and eat each other out and not want to fuck.

[1111] So I don't, I'm not with him on that.

[1112] I get that, but we don't know any of that.

[1113] and I don't want to include it because he didn't say that.

[1114] We're talking about this specific girl situation.

[1115] I don't want to make it like, we have to go based on what he's saying.

[1116] I was only pointing out how when I hear the story, the things that go through my mind that probably won't go through your minds because naturally I, I of course, imagine myself as the male in this situation.

[1117] And you guys are going to imagine yourself as the females in this situation.

[1118] And then once I do that, I'm already considering all that from a very specific point of view.

[1119] And I think it's very natural for us three to do it that way.

[1120] And so what I'm saying is, even if the three of us had this conversation, we hear the same news thing, we're thinking about three different aspects of the same story.

[1121] And then from two different points of view of the same story.

[1122] So I can see where tension would arise.

[1123] I would caution anyone from writing someone else off until we really explored what the real fear is going on.

[1124] If his belief is girls aren't allowed to lead guys on and say no, then he's a piece of shit and you should get rid of them.

[1125] If that's what we found out through deeper exploration, but if he's, afraid if he's going through his mind of every time he had sex with someone that was drunk who said yes and he's actually thinking, oh my God, this is terrifying.

[1126] I agree.

[1127] I think more conversation is definitely what is needed here.

[1128] And her leading with her own vulnerability of I feel scared right now based on this conversation.

[1129] I want to tell you why can we talk about this and see how he meets you.

[1130] I mean, unfortunately, we don't know what he's going to say.

[1131] So, but I don't, yeah, I don't think you have to hear this and then think, oh, fuck, I got it.

[1132] leave right now.

[1133] But I do think it's worth more exploration because it could be that your value systems are not aligned at all.

[1134] You do need to know that before you have children with a person.

[1135] It's unfortunate because sexual assault and rape is like the vast majority of people who commit these crimes never spend a minute in jail.

[1136] It's the least prosecuted crime.

[1137] And that means that women are coming from a, and men too, obviously, but women are disparately affected.

[1138] If a woman speaks and she said she's been assaulted, we just immediately believe her and we immediately, especially if it gets to a place of going to court, we want there to be justice.

[1139] But it means that there's not a lot of room for nuance, which is kind of what you're speaking about, which is if most people in their 20s are having sex when they're drunk, how do you know?

[1140] How do we deal with them?

[1141] Yeah.

[1142] Exactly.

[1143] And by the way, listening to you, you shined a light on something that didn't even cross my mind.

[1144] So I heard people at a college party.

[1145] I'm assuming she's over 18.

[1146] It didn't even occur to me like, yeah, that is weird the parents are suing, you pointed that out and like, oh yeah, that's helpful.

[1147] That didn't cross my mind.

[1148] I was focused on this drinking part of the whole thing.

[1149] But he could be underage too, right?

[1150] Or can you not sue someone underage?

[1151] Well, if it's assault, you can get sued regardless.

[1152] Yeah, so they both could be underage.

[1153] We don't know.

[1154] You know, another element of the conversation that is someone who has kids and specifically has daughters, and we've had these conversations, you are working with a very challenging situation, which is you should have the right, just as a man does, to get blackout drunk and pass out in the middle of a party.

[1155] We shouldn't live in a world that it's dangerous for you to do that.

[1156] That is how it should be.

[1157] Then we look at the data of how many people are date raped when they're blacked out and incoherent.

[1158] So we go, and that's how it is.

[1159] And so am I preparing my children for how it should be or how it is?

[1160] This is the biggest fight my dad and I have ever got it.

[1161] Really?

[1162] Really?

[1163] Yeah.

[1164] And I, Gre.

[1165] And Liz and I have had some similar differing opinions on this, not in a party or rape, but even just walking down the street as a woman at night.

[1166] Liz is like, no, we should be able to do that.

[1167] And I say, we should be.

[1168] And the chances of something happening to us in that environment is higher than it is for a man. So I'm not willing to just be like, it should be like this.

[1169] So I'm going to throw myself in the situation.

[1170] I adjust.

[1171] Even though that sucks and is wrong, it's prefer.

[1172] for me to adjust than to live with the outcome of something bad happening.

[1173] So, yeah, my advice to my daughters will be, I don't recommend you get blackout drunk at a frat party.

[1174] That is going to be my advice.

[1175] I don't think that's fair.

[1176] I wish that weren't the case, but that will be my advice.

[1177] If you're going to get annihilated drunk, you should be with friends you trust.

[1178] I think it's fine to say, if you're going to get drunk, you need to have people around who you feel safe with and this is why and it's not just like this is on you but she's like this is the reality of the world it's not fair and i also agree with her because people always do this they position it as an either or like when people say i want to tell my daughter this the response is well why wouldn't you tell the son tell both tell everyone i happen to have girls and we're talking about girls but yeah i'm not talking about you specifically saying in general but this is such a great point because I think we're hopefully going to be moving to a situation where we should be warning our boys more not to be drunk alone because something dangerous could happen.

[1179] I think we should be preventing our sons from assaulting people.

[1180] I think we should be preventing our sons from ending up in a situation where they could be misidentified as assaulting someone.

[1181] We do put such an emphasis on telling girls not to drink too much.

[1182] But boys also, there's a danger to being blackout drunk at a party and engaging again in a situation where maybe he didn't assault her, but he can't remember.

[1183] And so then you're in a vulnerable position, and we're just sounding like party poopers, like, don't drink.

[1184] But we should be warning everyone.

[1185] Malcolm Gladwell did it in a much more articulate and measured way.

[1186] Two books ago, there's a whole chapter about what happens to your brain at this many drinks if you're a male, this many drinks if you're a female.

[1187] Your memory stops.

[1188] And so when you have two people who have a prediction of how they would have behaved in a situation, let's presume that the guy would say, well, I wouldn't assault anyone.

[1189] And then the girl's saying, I wouldn't have slept with a stranger on the first day.

[1190] Neither people has actual memory of the situation.

[1191] It's just ripe for fucking disaster.

[1192] It is, minimally.

[1193] It's like prepping everyone for danger.

[1194] Yeah.

[1195] We need a rule.

[1196] It's like, no fucking after drink five.

[1197] Whatever.

[1198] We've got to establish a baseline tolerance.

[1199] Right.

[1200] Come up with some kind of actionable strategy where it's like, if you're having a night where you're going to set a record and do 15 shots, go for it.

[1201] But let's go into it knowing this isn't the night for that.

[1202] because you won't even know what happened.

[1203] You'll have an assumption of what you would have done on both sides.

[1204] Yeah, I would just ask more questions.

[1205] Yeah.

[1206] It seems like too little information and too few conversations to be determining the future of the relationship.

[1207] Okay, is it okay to keep an intimate secret from a partner to protect their feelings?

[1208] Anonymous.

[1209] Is it okay to not tell your partner about sex toys?

[1210] My partner and I have been together for over seven years.

[1211] I love him very much, but I've been finding myself much less attracted to him physically.

[1212] Lately, we have struggled to take care of our bodies and more importantly our mental health, but I'm trying hard and find a little time every day to do something for myself.

[1213] He seems to have given up on his health, mental and physical, and struggles with motivation.

[1214] I support him as best as I can and suggest things we can do together to help, but he is very resistant.

[1215] This has led to challenges with our physical intimacy as well, and my interest in sex with him has really taken a hit.

[1216] I still want sexual satisfaction, but I am almost never in the mood to have it with him, and I've been thinking about getting myself some solo toys, vibrators, et cetera.

[1217] Part of the reason I want them is because they will help my libido, which will help our relationship.

[1218] But I know that if I tell him about them, he will get very insecure about the relationship and his proficiency as a sexual partner.

[1219] He has expressed in the past that this is a real trigger for him, and it may make his mental health worse.

[1220] Am I worrying too much about it, and I should just tell him, or is it okay to hide this from him?

[1221] Wait, what's a trigger?

[1222] The fact that she would use sex toys?

[1223] I guess, yeah.

[1224] He gets insecure.

[1225] I'm not defending it, but what he might be hearing is, like, he can accept she's not sexual, but to accept that she actually is quite sexual just doesn't want it with him could have whatever impact it has on him.

[1226] You must talk about this.

[1227] These things don't get better through hiding sex toys.

[1228] I think it must be talked about.

[1229] Most importantly, you should listen to our episode with Vanessa Morin.

[1230] Oh, yes.

[1231] Because the entire episode is about this exact question.

[1232] It is.

[1233] It's more of a bummer to me that she is understanding that he's not well -medical.

[1234] which is like leading to all of this and he's not doing what he needs to do for himself.

[1235] I think this is very codependent, right?

[1236] Like he's not doing what he can for himself.

[1237] So she's sort of trying to regulate him and also say like, I should keep this from him because this might hurt him.

[1238] But he's not helping himself.

[1239] The both of you made really good points.

[1240] And I think you have to discuss it because it'll just grow.

[1241] Now it's just sex toys, but then it'll still start wanting someone else.

[1242] The vibrator isn't going to help her attraction to him.

[1243] That too.

[1244] And sometimes people have.

[1245] have to, you know, we want to obviously be nice with everybody and, you know, everyone's mental health is more fragile than it's ever been.

[1246] But I think that people also need to be shook a little bit and also challenged and be held.

[1247] It's not really accountable, but know the consequences of their inaction in terms of their mental health and just their health in general.

[1248] And in a way, her bringing this up could bring up consequences, being like when you're not taking care of yourself, it affects me in this way.

[1249] And now this is what I'm seeking.

[1250] They should have had toys from the get -go.

[1251] That too.

[1252] It's funny to talk about sex stories as like outside of our marriage, you know.

[1253] But, you know, and sex stories, I think also can be incorporated and should be into their sex life.

[1254] And maybe that's also a way to do it.

[1255] Maybe him realizing the effect that it's having on her.

[1256] Like, we hide things for us.

[1257] She feels more comfortable, probably not challenging him.

[1258] And she doesn't know how that conversation is going to go.

[1259] So I understand the anxiety around it.

[1260] But actually being honest with him isn't just better for her, but it's probably better for him too.

[1261] in the long run and might jolt him into action.

[1262] My first thought is just to say, like, it's always tempting to think it's your partner's problem.

[1263] And what I would just say from watching Orna and talking to Vanessa, like, it's 50 -50 no matter how you want to dice that.

[1264] You guys are both playing a role.

[1265] So just acknowledging first and foremost, it's never one person's problem.

[1266] You guys are in a pattern together and you're dancing.

[1267] And then there's also an optimistic way to look at this.

[1268] So she's presuming the worst case scenario, which is likely.

[1269] But another great scenario is like, he may have written off that she's just not sexual.

[1270] and he has to live with it.

[1271] And he might actually see by her getting toys, oh, she is sexual.

[1272] I'm just not arising to the occasion or figuring out how to engage with her sexually.

[1273] So in a weird way, it could be the most optimistic thing he could hear.

[1274] He might find out, no, she is a sexual creature.

[1275] So there could be a positive outcome of it.

[1276] But I also think these problems just as tempting as they are to say one person let themselves go.

[1277] They're just always 50 -50, unfortunately.

[1278] And then hopefully he'll address some things that have led to this.

[1279] and then you guys will both together find your way out.

[1280] I don't think this is a sex question.

[1281] It's an attraction question, but attraction is mental.

[1282] And she's saying, I'm trying hard to find a little time every day to do something for myself.

[1283] He's given up.

[1284] I support him as best as I can.

[1285] I suggest what we can do together to help, but he's very resistant.

[1286] That's not attractive.

[1287] Like, that's the truth.

[1288] Like, forcing someone to love themselves is not attractive.

[1289] and I think that's at the root of it.

[1290] I totally agree with you.

[1291] If the person doesn't think they're attractive, how can...

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] But she could be playing a role just as he's playing a role.

[1294] Like, who knows if some of her behavior set off his?

[1295] And now his is setting off hers.

[1296] And it's all just falling into the vortex that these things seem to do.

[1297] I just would be hesitant to say that one person's done something.

[1298] I think generally they're inextricably linked.

[1299] And there's all this action and reaction.

[1300] And so I don't think blaming is going to get anyone.

[1301] anywhere.

[1302] But I agree with you.

[1303] If someone's not, if someone's thrown in the towel in their life, you can't force yourself to be attracted to that version of them.

[1304] You know, if we're taking this at face value, which we do, she said she was in the same boat, right?

[1305] She was like, we both let ourselves go and I'm doing baby steps to get myself out of it.

[1306] It's really hard when you're trying to pull yourself out of a hole and then your partner is not.

[1307] Good sex is going to be impossible in that situation.

[1308] I'm not blaming him.

[1309] I'm just saying everyone needs to like get themselves out of the ocean.

[1310] Like, you know, they're drowning and like they need to come out before the sex piece even gets a dress.

[1311] Yeah, I agree.

[1312] I think you hit the nail on the head earlier, which is just like she's looking very downriver.

[1313] Yeah.

[1314] Which is like this is the last piece of it.

[1315] There's so much stuff way up river that may impact that without any work.

[1316] Who knows?

[1317] Exactly.

[1318] Sex, let's just say, and this from Vanessa.

[1319] Sex is our most vulnerable topic.

[1320] It's the thing we're scared us about.

[1321] So that might even be the hardest one to tackle.

[1322] Whereas I want to build and grow and get bigger and bigger and better and better with you.

[1323] That's less, in my opinion, threatening and scary than I don't want to fuck you.

[1324] That's kind of like, that's the A -bomb.

[1325] I think we could work on some other stuff before we even tackle that.

[1326] Exactly.

[1327] Because again, it might not even be right.

[1328] Exactly.

[1329] You might be physically attracted to him again once he feels better about himself.

[1330] But then it is tricky because if he just, if he won't, that might no longer be a relationship that's fulfilling.

[1331] Right.

[1332] Well, thank you.

[1333] That was fun.

[1334] You guys have a fun show.

[1335] Joining us, Dad.

[1336] Yeah, that was awesome.

[1337] We will be back next week.

[1338] We're getting closer and closer to our Hot Girl Hobby Reveal.

[1339] I got singing lessons from Hannah today and there was a lot wrong with me. That's so cool that you're doing that.

[1340] Yeah.

[1341] My chair's Rurkeshay coming February.

[1342] Dropping.

[1343] And my Seas the Day essay.

[1344] Oh, that's what you're doing, Carpidium?

[1345] So Liz had to write the title of the essay that I will be writing.

[1346] Fine.

[1347] She said, seize the day.

[1348] I haven't started.

[1349] Okay.

[1350] You haven't so's the day.

[1351] I haven't.

[1352] All right.

[1353] We'll see you next week.

[1354] Love you guys.

[1355] I love you.