Massive Meltdown & Destructive Defiance

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[24] Hey, everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and I'm glad you're here.

[25] I'm going to share a really common example that you probably struggle with and show you kind of how we normally handle it and then give you a very specific words and action steps to take so we can do it differently next time.

[26] And this is one of my favorite examples.

[27] We use this a lot at our live events, our workshops.

[28] And if you're ever interested in having us come to your city, we travel literally all over the world and mostly in the United States.

[29] But if you want us to come to your town, just email us.

[30] Just email my son, it's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[31] And just email them with the name of your school, your church, foster care, adoptive care organization.

[32] We do corporate events, and just tell us that in your city.

[33] And he'll send you a quick one -page proposal.

[34] It's really easy, and our events are awesome.

[35] People love our events because it's very practical.

[36] There's a lot of energy.

[37] It's funny.

[38] You get to feel like a parent like you're not alone.

[39] We train teachers.

[40] He does school assembly.

[41] So anyway, we'd be glad to help you.

[42] just reach out.

[43] So here's the example.

[44] Say it's a late afternoon and you kind of rush into your living room and you call upstairs to your son.

[45] We'll just make it a son.

[46] It could be your daughter, but we'll make it a son this time and say, hey, Jacob, hey, your first taekwondo class this night, come on, get downstairs and you don't hear anything.

[47] Honey, I'm not going to ask you again.

[48] We don't have time for this tonight.

[49] You need to get downstairs and eat before we go.

[50] And again, you don't hear anything.

[51] And that's when inside you know, Here comes another power struggle.

[52] Look, it's been this way since the child was in your womb.

[53] You try to sleep, he kicks, always wanting to do the opposite of what you have planned.

[54] And you're frustrated because you're trying to do this for him.

[55] You don't need to spend the extra money and time to go through traffic and take him to this dumb class anyway.

[56] But you thought it would be a good outlet for him and a way to make some friends.

[57] But you're anxious too, because you paid $135 for this class and you hate wasting money.

[58] And now you're going to be late again.

[59] And you hate being late.

[60] It's a trigger for you.

[61] And now he's doing his little delaying tactic.

[62] So here's the moment of decision.

[63] You know how your child is going to react.

[64] You know it.

[65] He's going to resist and yell and call you names.

[66] His face is going to turn purple as he screams at you.

[67] I'm not going.

[68] Taekwondo is stupid.

[69] You're stupid.

[70] He's going to sob these big crocodile tears and say he's going to talk and he's going to talk his way out of it and complain because his stomach's upset and he doesn't feel well and he's going to plead with you just let him please mom just let me can i just stay home this week i promise i'll go next week please and you know that because you've heard it and seen it a hundred times so you know what's about to happen the real question now is this what are you going to do differently this time because that's the only real variable here you are not going to get him to change his behavior the only thing you have control over at this critical moment is your own behavior are you going to react or respond are you going to inflame the situation or diffuse it see because we're so anxious and rushed we take these challenges to our authority so personally.

[71] And so here's what our default mode is.

[72] You end up doing and saying the following.

[73] And I only know this because I said these things to my son over and over again before I changed.

[74] You know, better get your little butt in the car or you're going to lose all your privileges.

[75] Do you understand me?

[76] I don't have time for this right now.

[77] Do I say or else?

[78] Honey, there's no need to be upset or scared.

[79] It's just a simple 45 -minute class.

[80] You know what?

[81] Your brother never gives us any trouble doing these things.

[82] Why do you always have to be so difficult?

[83] That'll wound kids, right?

[84] That wounds kids when we say those things.

[85] How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't just follow simple directions and do simple things?

[86] You know, just wait until your mother, your father gets home.

[87] You're not going to talk to me like that, young man. You know, if you don't get the car right now, you're going to lose your video games for one month.

[88] Do you hear me?

[89] And yeah, they hear you, but you're not hearing him.

[90] See, you're making this situation all about you, all about your anxiety, all about your fear.

[91] See, it's all about your authority and what you want, but you're not listening to him because you're too focused on changing or controlling his behavior instead of your own.

[92] Look, there's no guilt and no blame in this.

[93] We all do this stuff, but we have to change it.

[94] See, if you could control yourself, this is how you'd see the situation, and this is what you would hear.

[95] See, your child doesn't have the maturity to say this yet, but here's what he wants to tell you.

[96] Mom, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the unknowns of this new experience.

[97] See, I've always had a hard time connecting with kids my own age.

[98] I get along better with adults and younger kids and animals, but I'm afraid the other kids are going to pick on me. and I have a lot of trouble with multiple step processes, and auditory processing is hard for me, so I'm scared that I'm going to fail at the new Taekwondo class.

[99] And the truth is I'm afraid that I'll disappoint you and dad, my instructor.

[100] See, at this moment, my life, I'm too fragile emotionally to risk more failure.

[101] So you know what I'm going to do?

[102] I'm going to call you names, and I'm going to challenge your authority, and I'm going to be so disrespectful right to your face that your only option is to punish.

[103] me because the truth is that I'd rather you spank me, cage me in my room, and take away everything that I enjoy in life, then once again face the risk of failure and rejection by other people.

[104] I wish I knew how to tell you that, but in the moment my fear overwhelms me, just like your anxiety is overwhelming you right now.

[105] So I react out of fear.

[106] But what I really need right now is for the adult in the home, for my mom and for my dad, to show me a different way out of this, but you never do that.

[107] Instead, you just react like I do.

[108] And that's when you take a big gulp.

[109] And again, there's no blame and guilt, but we have to start doing it differently.

[110] Because here's what you and I miss. You're not just looking at a defiant child.

[111] You're looking at a scared kid who's never fit in with his peers, who feels genuine dread when trying new things because it's all out of his control.

[112] You're looking at a kid who's rarely been praised by people.

[113] He's always in trouble.

[114] He's the bad kid.

[115] He doesn't do homework quickly or get good grades like his brother or sister.

[116] And now you just berated him and demeaned him.

[117] You just further reinforce that he's a difficult child who brings trouble on himself.

[118] And see, you're a good parent.

[119] I know that because you're listening to a podcast on parenting.

[120] You're a good parent.

[121] So I know you don't want to continue doing that.

[122] So let's look at the calm way.

[123] Let's rewind this situation and focus on controlling yourself instead and see how that turns out.

[124] So you know you're going to get pushed back because you always do.

[125] So you call upstairs, hey Jacob, first taekwondo class tonight, get downstairs.

[126] Again, you hear nothing.

[127] But instead of getting upset or irritated, maybe you utter a quick little prayer, maybe take a couple deep breaths, maybe go into downward dog.

[128] whatever calms you down you begin to walk up to his room and you see a few legos littering the floor now they're obviously not picked up like you asked and that's going to make you cringe right that part of you that needs things to be orderly and have instructions followed explicitly because that's how you were raised see that part of you wince is inside but you don't give into it this time though you want to add that to your lecture instead you grab a few Legos and you walk upstairs you knock on Jacob's door and you walk in and you sit on the floor.

[129] You don't give any eye contact.

[130] You just sit on the floor.

[131] And you start putting pieces of the Legos together because we're going to start building now instead of destroying because that's what we're doing usually.

[132] We're usually destroying this relationship.

[133] Right?

[134] I was a dad.

[135] I did that all the time.

[136] Why can't you do this?

[137] Why are you so difficult?

[138] That just destroys a child's spirit and destroys the relationship.

[139] So Jacob looks down at you like you're crazy.

[140] See, he's been waiting for you.

[141] He's been waiting for you to stand with your hands on your in the doorway, delivering lecture number 43B, looking at them disapprovingly, shaking your head and threatening consequences, because that's what we usually do.

[142] But instead, you're sitting on the floor, building with some Legos.

[143] And here's what you say.

[144] You know, Jacob, if I were you, I'd be anxious about going to a new class too.

[145] It can be pretty scary doing new things.

[146] And boom, now you've just done what you wish your husband or your wife would just do once.

[147] acknowledge that what you're feeling is natural and normal and legitimate instead of just dismissing you or saying you are overreacting.

[148] So your son looks at you and he's puzzled.

[149] See, you've just gotten to the root of the issue and addressed his fears.

[150] You've just assumed the best about him, that he doesn't want to be some defiant little snot who makes your life difficult because that's not what he wants to be.

[151] So Jacob slowly climbs down from his bed and he sits on the floor He begins fumbling awkwardly with some Legos, and there's still no eye contact, which is smart.

[152] Don't do eye contact.

[153] And then you say this, you know how I know that, Jacob?

[154] Because in truth, I'm the same way.

[155] I get anxious when I'm meeting new people at book club.

[156] I get a little bit nervous.

[157] My stomach gets a little bit upset when I give presentations at work.

[158] It makes my stomach upset.

[159] Is that what it feels like?

[160] And that's when he's going to utter a little, mm -hmm, and he's going to nod his head.

[161] And so you trade pieces of Legos, and you begin building something.

[162] together without saying a word.

[163] See, you're now together, you're sitting, you're connecting, you're building.

[164] And then you say this, hey, you know what helps me?

[165] See, I'm just like you.

[166] I like helping other people.

[167] So whenever I go to one of those book club meetings, I always ask the host if I can fix some dish or do a job.

[168] At work, I get to my meeting early and I set up because that helps me feel in control of something.

[169] So I've got an idea, Jacob.

[170] You know, if we left right now, I bet we get to Taekwondo class a few minutes early.

[171] And I bet the instructor will give you a job to do because your teachers tell me all the time that you're the best helper in the class.

[172] And I bet 93 .7 % of the time your son's going to get up and follow you to the car.

[173] Why?

[174] Because you led him to a place of safety with your own humility.

[175] So you just changed that entire situation.

[176] You just changed your child's response, but you didn't make him do anything.

[177] You didn't yell at him.

[178] You controlled yourself and you led him to a place of calm and he followed you because you're safe because you controlled yourself because it's the only thing the only thing you can do in life right and when you do that you can literally change these situations overnight like this is I don't know when you're listening to this but this situation is going to happen in your home within the next 24 hours and you have a chance to change it the beautiful part is you're not relying on the other person your child's your spouse to change.

[179] You're relying on you taking a few steps.

[180] They're hard, but you're taking a few steps and you're changing yourself and that will begin to change your home overnight.

[181] And so that's what I want you to listen.

[182] I want you to listen to these podcasts, but if you want real long -term change, I want you to listen to our CDs because they're filled with examples like this and I want them on in the background and I want your kids listening because when your kids listen to this, they're going to say, Mom, that's exactly right.

[183] That's what I was feeling like.

[184] I didn't know how to say it, but that guy knows or his son talking on the CDs.

[185] He knows what I'm feeling.

[186] That's what it's like, right?

[187] And you have these great discussions around it and you have this insight and you have these words to use.

[188] That begins to change your family.

[189] And I encourage you, go to our website, celebrate calm .com .com.

[190] We have a special this week on, look up our specials on getting the bag.

[191] And it's a bag of CDs and we'll give you the bag of CDs free when and only when.

[192] you get the 30 Days to Calm program.

[193] Why?

[194] Because I want you to spend some time learning how to calm yourself down and deal with your own triggers because that's the key to lasting change.

[195] And when you control yourself and learn how to do that, you'll learn how to discipline the right way and get your kids to listen the first time.

[196] You'll learn how to handle meltdowns and defiance and all those things.

[197] And in that bag is a CD from my son that your kids to listen to.

[198] If you already have our CDs, I encourage you come to the parent boot camp.

[199] We've got two of them left.

[200] We did one in Paris, and it was phenomenal.

[201] And this is me pouring out everything I know, unfiltered, right?

[202] And it's addressing your specific concerns.

[203] You can look at our website, celebrate calm .com, and look up the camps.

[204] We have two left, one in D .C. and one in Dallas.

[205] And that's all I have time for the rest of the year.

[206] But if you need help with anything, email my son, because this is a kid I'm talking about all the time in here.

[207] These stories are about my son and I and our family and how we changed it.

[208] So you actually get to talk to Casey, but you can email them at K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCallum .com Or call them at 888 -506, 1871.

[209] I guarantee you're going to speak to a young man who is so respectful and so helpful.

[210] And guess what?

[211] He was just like your child.

[212] That child that you're not sure if you're saving for bail or college.

[213] And you said if we could just get him to adulthood, he's going to be okay.

[214] Good.

[215] Call or email my son and you'll get a vision of the future of your child when you learn how to change your relationship with them and give them more tools to succeed instead of just always reinforcing the failure, right?

[216] So thank you for listening to this.

[217] You know, you're listening to a parent podcast because you're a good parent.

[218] You want to help your child.

[219] So if we can help you with anything, reach out to us, email us, see us on Facebook, call us.

[220] We'll come to your town.

[221] We'll help you however we can.

[222] But thank you so much.