Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hi there, Turner.
[5] Let me introduce you to Conan and David.
[6] Hey, how are you, Turner?
[7] Lord O 'Brien, you grant me a great honor with this audience.
[8] Bearer of the Auburnish crown, Lord of the Gangly Reach, Prince of the questionable pallor.
[9] I'm really sorry.
[10] Schick is my body's natural defense mechanism to anxiety.
[11] That's fantastic.
[12] No, I loved it.
[13] I was very frightened for a minute that you had a large tumor pressing into your brain and that we were going to immediately have to relieve the pressure.
[14] That's not inaccurate.
[15] That is absolutely not.
[16] I hope it is.
[17] Because I'm laughing and I hope that it is inaccurate.
[18] Turner Coates, that was, your name is Turner Coates.
[19] Is that correct?
[20] That is correct.
[21] The third.
[22] Your Turner Coates the third.
[23] Indeed.
[24] That's fantastic.
[25] What a great name.
[26] The name's Coates.
[27] Turner Coates.
[28] Everybody assumes it's a stage name.
[29] They're like, no, no, no, you're real.
[30] We are going to need your real name.
[31] Like, no, officer, I swear.
[32] Turner Coates is my real name.
[33] You know what's interesting?
[34] I've always thought that if someone is a, I'm the third or I'm the fourth, the assumption always is that they have a great deal of money.
[35] You know, because you think of Thirst and Howell the Third.
[36] You think of, and that's not always the case.
[37] You can be, you can, I could be Conan O 'Brien the fifth and have absolutely nothing.
[38] I could be driving around in an old neon.
[39] and living in a $400 a month apartment.
[40] Correct.
[41] You could have just had a father who was really bad at birth control but an incredibly not very creative when it came to naming conventions either.
[42] It doesn't line up at all.
[43] It doesn't line up at all.
[44] It's Gilligan's Island has given us all the impression that if you're a second or a third or a fourth that you're driving around in a Bentley and that you have a manservant.
[45] Well, that and you can power a cab with coconut milk.
[46] So, I mean, there's a lot going on.
[47] We won't get into the weeds on that one.
[48] Hey, Turner, so much to ask you about.
[49] First of all, I know there's got to be a backstory to the way that you greeted me because you had a stunning command of that formal, almost regal language.
[50] And I'm gonna find out what that's all about.
[51] But first, tell me, where are you?
[52] Where do you live?
[53] I'm in Austin, Texas.
[54] Ah, so you are helping keep Austin weird.
[55] Well, indeed.
[56] Single -handedly.
[57] Single -handedly.
[58] You are the reason, Austin.
[59] If you were to leave Austin tomorrow, Austin would immediately turn, it would lose all of its weirdness.
[60] Immediately go Republican.
[61] Yeah, exactly.
[62] Things which is completely turned upside down.
[63] Dogs and cats living together the whole nine.
[64] Yeah.
[65] So you live in Austin and what kind of stuff do you do?
[66] How do you plot?
[67] What is your trade?
[68] How do you make your living?
[69] How do you get the dough?
[70] My day job, I am a director of purchasing for a large commercial design firm that specializes in senior living and multifamily community.
[71] Okay.
[72] But my side hustle is a different story.
[73] All right, let's talk about your side hustle.
[74] That would be a dungeon master, Conan.
[75] Ah, a Dungeons and Dragons dungeon master.
[76] Correct.
[77] It's not a sex thing.
[78] Let's be perfectly clear.
[79] I'm pretty sure that they cleared that up.
[80] Oh, well, I just lost all my enthusiasm for this game.
[81] I lost off instantly.
[82] I know.
[83] I should have led with that, I apologize.
[84] I swear to God.
[85] I totally, I'm completely, I'm just going to hang up on you now.
[86] That's to be expected.
[87] No, I'm going to be honest with you.
[88] I never played Dungeons and Dragons, and I know nothing about it, and I know it's a huge thing, and people take it very seriously, and so I want you to educate me about this Dungeons and Dragons world.
[89] You are the Dungeon Master, which means you run the games.
[90] Is that right?
[91] Correct.
[92] I am effectively the referee and host for a group of players who come together and to experience a collaborative storytelling experience.
[93] The Dungeon Master is the writer, director, producer, and every single background.
[94] character.
[95] Ah, so you're sexually harassing everyone.
[96] Absolutely.
[97] Absolutely.
[98] Wait, so...
[99] I'm also the HR department, so who are they going to tell?
[100] There you go.
[101] Yeah, it's the best scam of all.
[102] You know, it's interesting because I happen to know people take this very seriously, and I've heard through friends that the actor Joe Mangonello is...
[103] I can speak to that personally.
[104] Yeah, okay, well, you tell us, because I've heard he's incredible.
[105] He takes this very seriously.
[106] So seriously that I think I made one too many jokes and wasn't asked back.
[107] Oh, no. Right.
[108] And I don't want to tell Tales out of school, but he has a converted wine cellar that is now a dungeon in his home filled with thousands of D &D figurines.
[109] Like the Army's masked.
[110] I love how you're not telling tales out of school.
[111] You just completely sold out, Joe Mankano.
[112] Who's a lovely guy, by the way.
[113] He is very lovely.
[114] guy and he's really funny.
[115] He's got a great sense of humor, but he takes Dungeons and Dragons really seriously.
[116] And I can imagine, Matt, you being there making your quips, as you do.
[117] And trust me, I've been on the verge of kicking you out of this enterprise many times because you're just quipping away and chucklin over there in the corner.
[118] So people do take it quite seriously.
[119] And there's a lot of work that goes into having an effective game.
[120] Is that correct, Turner Coates the third?
[121] Absolutely.
[122] If you're, if you're, if to build a world that you can immerse players in, you spend a lot of time doing research and, and players like poking funds at the, fun at the boundary of that research.
[123] They're very, you know, they love to ask for non -player character names on the spot to see if you've named every third, uh, towns, townsperson that you've, you've put into this small village.
[124] This reminds me of, uh, it's very similar to if you ever go to like old Sturbridge village, which is about 40 miles from where I grew up.
[125] uh in massachusetts it's one of those communities where everyone dresses like a pilgrim pretty much and they live in a little pilgrim village when we were in great school they would take us there and i would walk around with my classmates and you'd go in basically the illusion is that you're supposed to be time traveling so there'd be a smithy in there and he'd be hammering away at the shoes of the for a horseshoe and saying ah these young you know folk have come you know you you know, prithee, have a seat, and we were assholes, we'd be like, hey, what do you think this is and show them our shitty digital watch, 1980 digital watch?
[126] What do you think this is?
[127] And you could see the guys just eyes glaze over, and he'd go, oh, prithee, Gadzukes, tis witchcraft, upon ye wrist, this magical.
[128] And, you know, I'm just like, these crappy kids coming in.
[129] And that's essentially what sometimes I'm guessing people were trying to do in a Dungeons and Dragons game and why Matt Garley was kicked out.
[130] Well, you know, it's very important that whenever you go into a new group situation that you make sure that you're playing the same game.
[131] D &D can be deadly serious.
[132] You can really get into the Shakespearean Henry V's Depp's with it.
[133] That's not what I tend to play.
[134] I go a lot sillier with it because that's kind of what I enjoy.
[135] You know, we do very...
[136] Do you have the authority as dungeon master to banish someone?
[137] Absolutely.
[138] Have you banished people?
[139] I've asked people not to come back to the table.
[140] Yes, I absolutely have.
[141] Turner, I give you the authority during our conversation to banish Matt Gourley if you find his quips to be too inane.
[142] I accept this Boone.
[143] Turner, I do not give you that a thing.
[144] Boone rescind it.
[145] Boone rescinded.
[146] Noted.
[147] Noted.
[148] Thank you.
[149] David, I give you the power to throw a magic bag over Matt Gourley.
[150] Oh.
[151] Yeah, and convert him back into the toad from which he wants.
[152] That sprang.
[153] Wow.
[154] David, I give you the power to just slap Conan, That's a great to see him.
[155] Just hit a...
[156] So, do you play Dungeons and Dragons yourself, recreationally, with your family at all?
[157] I do.
[158] We play every Saturday night we come together for a family game, and I actually use that as playtest material for the encounters that I run for...
[159] Well, generally, if my kids can beat it and the adults that I do the podcast with can't beat it, that just makes them look even stupider, so it's mission accomplished.
[160] Very good.
[161] My 90 -year -old beat this in three minutes, gentlemen.
[162] So what are your, can you tell me anything about you have a son, a daughter, a wife?
[163] What are they, what are their characters?
[164] What are they, what are their powers?
[165] So my wife plays a bard, a lower master bard.
[166] So she is a traveling minstrel and has spells to basically befuddle the mind and damage people.
[167] But they also, she has an ability called cutting words where she can insult you.
[168] and make you roll lower on your ability checks, which isn't that far from, we're not going too far into fantasy.
[169] She's an insult comic.
[170] She has an insult comic, yes, very much.
[171] She's basically traveling around like a triumph of the insult comic dog or a Don Rickles and just ripping into people and lowering their self -esteem.
[172] That's her power.
[173] That is her power.
[174] Indeed it is.
[175] And then my daughter plays a Tiefling monk, which is a half -devil.
[176] her son is literally Satan and her father is literally Satan in the campaign Wait a minute, your father, your daughter's imagination has her playing a character whose father's the devil, which means you're the devil.
[177] Is it because you make her play Dungeons and Dragons every seven?
[178] Yeah, I'm going to say.
[179] She wants to go out with her friends and you're like, no!
[180] No, you're going to play Dungeons and Dragons in the basement with me now tell me about your character.
[181] Well, I don't know.
[182] My dad's the devil.
[183] Does that tell you anything, Turner?
[184] That's not too far off.
[185] It's not too far off.
[186] When the devil does, they say when the devil does turn up, he will make us all play decades on Saturday nights.
[187] It is Satan's game.
[188] So that's your daughter is a teethling monk?
[189] A teetling monk.
[190] And then my son plays a dragon -born trickster cleric of the god Al -Damara, who is amnesiac, and he's actually the reason why we started playing together as a family.
[191] He came to me and said, hey, I've heard about Dungeons and Dragons.
[192] Have you ever heard about it?
[193] Could we play it?
[194] And I was like, oh, the chosen one has finally risen.
[195] This is, I've never been more proud of you, my son.
[196] And he decided, he's like, well, I want to play a dragon born, which I like these dragon people.
[197] And I want him to be an amnesiac trickster cleric and developed this whole backstory.
[198] And I'm like, you've never been more proud of you than just, just right now.
[199] And then my daughter was like, yeah, I just, I want you, my dad's the devil and I want to punch thing.
[200] Yeah, exactly.
[201] The level of backstory thought was completely different.
[202] Yeah, yeah.
[203] Once she knew her dad was the devil, she had it.
[204] She was all in.
[205] She's all in.
[206] She's all in.
[207] So how long did these games take?
[208] Because, I mean, Dungeons and Dragons games can go on for days, right?
[209] Months, years.
[210] Yeah, the family game we limit to about an hour, hour and a half.
[211] The typical play session in an average, in an average scenario is about three to four hours, and then you can do a single one -off, what's called a one -shot.
[212] Those tend to be very compressed.
[213] I'm not a huge fan of running those, but a larger campaign can last years.
[214] I played one in high school and college that lasted probably about three, four years to get from start to finish.
[215] And a lot of them don't finish.
[216] They kind of start and then we'll peter out.
[217] That's a question.
[218] If you're playing a game that lasts four years and it ends, is there a period of almost mourning and loss afterwards?
[219] There is a little bit.
[220] It's like a, it's like a, it's like a TV series that got canceled without ever really having the finale.
[221] You know, if you...
[222] Oh, I've done that.
[223] I didn't mind.
[224] I didn't mind.
[225] I didn't want to bring up.
[226] I'm sorry.
[227] That's fun, yeah.
[228] Wow.
[229] So, a lot of times if you can see a group running its natural course as a dungeon master, you can plan a narrative for that to tie it up.
[230] Because the important thing to remember, yes, you're putting all this work in, you're building this world, you're constructing around these characters, but ultimately, you're the least important person in that equation.
[231] Your players and the characters that they create and they bring to the table really need to be the focus.
[232] And it's their stories that you're really there to tell within the context of the game.
[233] But I'm a bigger fan of the kind of the longer form campaigns.
[234] Wow.
[235] You've given this a ton of thought.
[236] And clearly you bring a lot of yourself to this game.
[237] And I think that's to be admired.
[238] I just, I never grew up out of playing and pretend.
[239] I mean, that's, that's what I ultimately can.
[240] Well, I can actually, I can, I don't play Dungeons and Dragons and I don't know that I'm built for games so much, but I never grew up.
[241] And to this day, I'm constantly playing what if in my head.
[242] And very much my children have spent most of their lives telling me to grow up and stop behaving foolishly.
[243] and I think that's the way to go, you know, and I only say that because I know no other way as I've never explored another possibility.
[244] It gives me an excuse to have a reason for to wander around the house going, yes, I think we should be going this direction.
[245] Oh, you do the voices?
[246] Oh, I do the voices, yeah.
[247] Well, let's hear some of that.
[248] Oh, okay.
[249] So, well, there's La Croy Waterloo, who is my Goliath.
[250] La Croy Waterloo, the Goliath Barbarian, who, yes, is named after the seltzers that were on my...
[251] desk at the damn of his name.
[252] Named after the seltzer.
[253] Lemon, lime, of course, not included.
[254] And that is, I'm terrible at names.
[255] I'm terrible at maps, and I'm terrible at naming stuff, which you would think as a dungeon master would be a...
[256] But I just, you know, look at my desk, flip it.
[257] I have a major character named Ognam the Sage, who's named after a mango bubbly water, and his partner, Tied Echo is the Diet Coke that was next to it.
[258] So, I mean, as long as you put it...
[259] Let's hear those voices.
[260] Well, Ogham is very Threaty and breathy.
[261] Now, Conan, you've got to understand.
[262] Ogden, he's a little bit of a mad scientist, almost like a contemporary character who you would catch.
[263] He likes to, he likes to bring the characters forward, and then cut them down and insult them because they are quite incompetent.
[264] And then Tiet is, Yeah, I got it.
[265] Tad's a little bit more of a gruffer, gruffer kind of lumberjack kind of character.
[266] He's, uh, so, and then you've got...
[267] He's Nick Offerman, basically.
[268] Exactly.
[269] Well, I actually have a...
[270] Nick Offerman in character in my main campaign, Ronson Swan.
[271] There's bird people.
[272] They're called Erika's.
[273] And he's a gleaming white Eroquotro that works for the Taliesin Parks and Rec Department, managing the gates to the field of madness.
[274] Yeah, I spend way too much time thinking about flying.
[275] So what, do you have a question for me?
[276] How can I help you?
[277] You seem to be the knower of all things.
[278] I feel like I, there's nothing I can tell you.
[279] Well, I would like to know, Conan.
[280] And so obviously you're familiar with Stephen Colbert and his love of fantasy and all of Tolkien.
[281] Oh, yes.
[282] Well, Stephen's thing is, yeah, is Tolkien.
[283] And his knowledge of those books is astounding.
[284] I mean, literally, I think he can tell you page numbers that things occur on.
[285] And he memorized some of the long poems and incantations.
[286] And so he's being hospitalized.
[287] My real question for you is in a LARP fight, in a live -action role -play fight, who do you think could take who?
[288] Could you take Colbert in his boundless Tolkien knowledge, or could Colbert take you?
[289] And what I imagine is your substantial reach in a fight?
[290] I've got the reach on Stephen.
[291] Stephen knows so much more about fantasy fiction than I do.
[292] In fact, that's not even a fair fight.
[293] He just would destroy me in a second.
[294] I know that basically there's a ring, there's Gollum, I think there's Mordar, and I just, I remember Mordar because he's referenced.
[295] It's Mordor.
[296] I think it's Mordor.
[297] No, no, you know what it is?
[298] It's Mordor and he shops at Mordar.
[299] It's a large package store.
[300] Saved it?
[301] Yeah, I can always remember his name because it's one of the most ridiculous vocal performances by in Led Zeppelin Robert Plant gives his vocal performance and it's in the song Rambling on and he goes And from the darkest steps of Mordar No no and he goes like And oh he's talking No he's talking about Mordar And then he says And Gallum The Evil One Cripped up and slipped away with her And I find it to be completely absurd But I love it That's my knowledge That's the extent of my knowledge of that world.
[302] So Stephen would totally, he would totally defeat me in that department.
[303] But I have the reach, and what I would do is before we started, I'd say, Stephen, I can't fight a guy with glasses, and as he was putting his glasses away, I'd hit him with a two by four, and I think I would win, because I'm above nothing.
[304] Put a little decorative scroll work on that two by four, and you've got an improvised D &D weapon.
[305] You're good to go.
[306] Thank you.
[307] I have your permission now to attack Stephen Colbert with a two -by -four.
[308] I legally absolve you of any liability.
[309] Thank you.
[310] That'll be my defense.
[311] I was told by Turner Coates III that I could attack talk show host Stephen Colbert.
[312] That's not a real name.
[313] What was his real name?
[314] I'll tell you.
[315] He was here.
[316] And then we go to Austin.
[317] No one's ever heard of you.
[318] We go to your basement.
[319] There is no basement.
[320] It's the Spanish prisoner.
[321] Turner Coates, the third.
[322] You're a gentleman, and you are a scholar, and you're doing, I'm not going to say you're doing God's work, because that's just not true, but I appreciate you.
[323] I appreciate you.
[324] I appreciate your humor and your depth of commitment to this fantasy world, because let's face it, these days, I'll take any world over the one we're currently in.
[325] Exactly, exactly.
[326] I will join you any, if I can escape some of the, harsh realities of 2021, enjoying you guys in a basement, I will do it.
[327] So thank you very much, sir, an honor and a pleasure.
[328] Well, thank you for having me, Conan.
[329] It was a real treat.
[330] Yeah, and Turner, seriously, very cool.
[331] I think it's, I love how much you're putting into this.
[332] And I do, I am a believer that God is in the details and, and you reap what you sow.
[333] And I think what you're doing is really lovely.
[334] So continue.
[335] Go and be healthy and be well.
[336] And be wary in your travels of various creatures, small and large.
[337] And you as well, Lord Conan.
[338] And you as well.
[339] That character's been drinking.
[340] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[341] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley.
[342] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[343] Executive produced by Adam Sacks.
[344] Joanna Solitaire and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf Music by Jimmy Vivino Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm engineered by Will Beckton Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.