MFM Minisode 260

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] The minisode.

[3] It's mini.

[4] I have to throw treats at cookie throughout the entire recording.

[5] Otherwise, I should go upstairs and bark.

[6] So if I look just, my hands are moving around a lot.

[7] All right.

[8] All right.

[9] You want to go first?

[10] You want me to go first?

[11] I'll go first.

[12] Okay.

[13] Okay.

[14] The subject line of this one is death row optometrist.

[15] Hello, my queens.

[16] Longtime listener from almost the beginning, first time writer.

[17] Hey.

[18] So you know how so many convicted serial killers wear those creepy glasses?

[19] Well, which is a pretty hilarious question slash statement.

[20] Well, I know the guy that kept their prescriptions up to date, just all of them everywhere.

[21] Those serial killers.

[22] I've known for many years now that my husband's uncle, let's call him Uncle Rex, used to work as an optometrist in the prison system.

[23] Wow.

[24] But it wasn't until a river trip this year that I was finally able to corner him to, all caps, tell me everything.

[25] Here my friends is what he told me. While Uncle Rex was raising his family in Santa Cruz, California, in the 80s and through the aughts, he was working as a contract optometrist for prisons all over California.

[26] One of his contracts was for tending to the eyes of the inmates of Sam Quentin, the only death row prison in the state.

[27] This death row was home to some of the worst.

[28] Rodney Alcala, Charles Manson, Charles Ng, Richard Ramirez.

[29] The list really does go on.

[30] Uncle Rex, along with one nurse, would see each prisoner over the course of the year to update their glasses, prescriptions, and treat any eye ailments.

[31] My God.

[32] Like, I didn't even, it didn't cross my mind that that needed to be.

[33] Yeah, of course it needs to be a job.

[34] Yeah, totally.

[35] That's wild.

[36] There would be like a clinic or whatever.

[37] Obviously, doctors on hand, but autotontrist, that's like specialty.

[38] Yeah.

[39] Wow.

[40] The exam room was a pretty intimate setting.

[41] He had to be cordial with his patients to get up close and personal and do his work, but he wasn't allowed to take any quote -unquote gifts from them, which apparently they were always trying to give him.

[42] He'd be given magazines, books, food, cards for his children's birthdays, in parentheses, ew, and he'd have to have a witness watch him throw these items in the trash at the end of the day.

[43] He also worked at the California medical facility where our hometown serial Ed Kemper was incarcerated, and he told me that he was friendly and polite and that actor Cameron Britton did an excellent job portraying him in Mind Hunter, which we all already knew.

[44] But that's like from an inside man. What a huge cool compliment, yeah.

[45] This optometrist doesn't say people are good actors willy -nilly.

[46] He's very discerning.

[47] Absolutely.

[48] I asked him if after literally staring deeply into the eyes of all these murderers, rapists, and sociopaths, he could see something missing or different in their gaze.

[49] He said he really couldn't most of the time, except this is maybe one of my favorite, what's a mistyping?

[50] Oh, mistyping.

[51] Typo.

[52] Typeo.

[53] Thank you.

[54] Thank you, Stephen.

[55] This is my favorite typo.

[56] of all time, except David Manson, who gave him the major creeps.

[57] David Manson, the brother, the famous brother, Charles Manson, everyone knows.

[58] He played jazz trumpet, you know, David Manson.

[59] He went to white collar prison for some, just some simple, you know.

[60] Being bad at tennis.

[61] Tax evasion.

[62] Oh, my God.

[63] David Manson gave him the major creeps.

[64] And then he said, and pedophiles as a rule had the worst eyesight.

[65] What does that mean?

[66] I don't know.

[67] That's just one optometrist's opinion.

[68] You know, this is alleged.

[69] Okay.

[70] So there you have it.

[71] To this day, Uncle Rex will still get letters and phone calls from prisoners at his home, which he does not answer.

[72] Thanks for the show and the community that you've created, Zika.

[73] Wow.

[74] Insight.

[75] Amazing.

[76] Insight.

[77] That's fascinating.

[78] Like he had a, you know, optometrists have to get up close and like look at your eyeballs.

[79] So he was like faced.

[80] I hope he didn't say anything about a security guard in there with them.

[81] Well, it's San Quentin.

[82] So I think it's rife with security guards.

[83] Yeah, but like an A .k .a. prison guards.

[84] But he said him and a nurse.

[85] What did I say?

[86] Security guard.

[87] He didn't have a bouncer with him.

[88] That's crazy.

[89] What about a bodyguard of his own?

[90] Okay.

[91] I mean, they must have had it set up in some kind of way.

[92] My thing is I think it's very compelling that he said.

[93] looking in the eyes of a, say, sociopath isn't different.

[94] I think that's the thing people should keep in mind.

[95] Because we all want to hear like, yep, I was able to see it.

[96] And then that's how you know.

[97] But that's not because we all want to be like comforted that we would spot it.

[98] Yeah, you're not going to.

[99] No. So, so sorry.

[100] All right.

[101] This one, we've been talking about the Tamo Shanturn a little bit lately.

[102] And we just happened to get one called Good Times at the Tamo Shanturn.

[103] Hell yes.

[104] Shanter.

[105] which is one of our favorite restaurants here in town.

[106] All right.

[107] Hi, loveys.

[108] Just finished Minnesota 254 and listening to your Heimlich maneuver chat.

[109] It made me think of my waitressing days at the Tam Oshanter Inn.

[110] And the Don't Let Your Patrons Die training we all received.

[111] Yes.

[112] For those who don't know, the Tam is a charming, old -timey, Scottish -ish restaurant in the furthest reaches of northern L .A., where Walt Disney had a favorite table and costume carolers sing tableside from Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve.

[113] It's really charming.

[114] Also, it's, that's what they, the, the animators at Disney used to go there and Snow White and the Seven Dorbs houses are based on what the Tamashantor looks like.

[115] Oh, I didn't know that.

[116] Yeah.

[117] Anyway, it's a favorite of all old people, real life gypsies, who knew, and pharmaceutical reps looking to impress doctors with free prime rib.

[118] It's also haunted as fuck, and then it says, but I digress.

[119] The restaurant staff is costumed, Google it, and trained in the art of keeping their geriatric guests alive.

[120] Everyone is encouraged to be CPR certified and instructed to keep an eye on the guests, especially older women, and check the bathrooms if they've been away from the table too long.

[121] Ooh.

[122] We were told that women would excuse themselves and die in a bathroom before they would call attention to the embarrassing acts of choking, stroke, or heart attack, and we need a to be on the lookout.

[123] I thought bullshit, but I was wrong.

[124] One night I was working the closing shift, and we were down to three tables, a middle -aged couple, two older ladies left over in a side room, and a group of swingers, wannabes who kept asking me, but what else would I have seen you in?

[125] Nothing notable, you fuckwits, or I wouldn't be your waitress.

[126] So I guess she's an actress.

[127] The couple left, I did my closing sideworks, the D -Bagfellas, what were hipster millennial types even called in 2001, ordered more drinks because, of course.

[128] And the older woman at the two -top had knotted off and dropped her spoon while her friend continued to sip at her soup.

[129] And whichever one of you guessed the ending, yep.

[130] Upon clearing their table in an effort to get the woman to leave, my incredible busser, Ignacio, shout out to all the bussers out there, it's a slog and you're underappreciated, discovered that the sleeping woman was, in fact, not breathing.

[131] He commenced with giving her CPR while the manager called 911 and the friend kept repeating, I didn't want to make a scene.

[132] I thought she was just tired.

[133] A lady's dying politely was suddenly trending at the restaurant.

[134] Two weeks later, a woman choked on a bite of steak at one of my tables and had to be rescued by, you guessed it, Ignacio, giving her the heimlich.

[135] Technically, and almost deaf, but come on.

[136] The woman later told us that by the time she stood up for help, which was well into her choking, she was starting to see Black and pass out.

[137] What the fuck.

[138] This is serious stuff.

[139] deaf girlfriends.

[140] There are simply not enough Ignacio's to go around.

[141] Stay sexy ladies and yell when a life depends on it, Danielle.

[142] Choking hazards, it's an important message that Danielle is trying to send to everybody.

[143] So I should all listen.

[144] All right.

[145] This is a badass grandpa story.

[146] It says, hey guys, gals and non -binary pals.

[147] Usual pleasantries, let's jump in.

[148] My great -grandfather Cornelius lived in the Netherlands before moving to Canada with my grandfather, Renus.

[149] It's the running joke in our family that our frugality comes from being Dutch and my great -grandfather exemplified that in the most badass way.

[150] When the Nazis were taking over Holland in the 1940s, my great -grandfather Cornelius was having none of that shit.

[151] They were asked to turn in their livestock to the Nazis.

[152] Instead, my family hid the chickens and the other farm animals in the attic.

[153] Oh no, those poor animals.

[154] They're like, what the fuck?

[155] better than just being killed along with hiding Canadian soldiers in the walls Oh fuck When the Nazis came calling They had the young children make lots of noise To cover the sounds of the animals and the soldiers Yeah They were also asked to turn in their rubber bike tires For the war effort Instead my family buried them in the yard When the war was over Cornelius dug them up and was the first one riding his bike in town Yeah he was Cornelius.

[156] He's like, this will end at some point.

[157] It's fine.

[158] And we're not giving the shit to the Nazis.

[159] Fuck those guys.

[160] They don't just get to take everything that's good.

[161] One night, Cornelius went to use the outhouse to find it already occupied by a German soldier.

[162] He never spoke of the details, but one of them came back and the other did not.

[163] Stay sexy and shove the Nazis down the shitter, Joel.

[164] Oh, my God.

[165] Wow.

[166] Damn.

[167] Damn, for real.

[168] The Netherlands during World War II, the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands.

[169] Yeah.

[170] Now I want to like read a book, watch a documentary, like, because there was something that was just on, that I was flipping through on TV that I was like, I can't do a World War thing story right now.

[171] World War II story right now.

[172] It's too intense.

[173] One day, one day.

[174] But I do, but it is like the way people, you know, we've, we've told a couple.

[175] couple stories of when people do the um resistance.

[176] Thank you.

[177] Resistance fighters.

[178] Yeah.

[179] There were lots of resistance fighters in the Netherlands.

[180] Small and big.

[181] Yeah.

[182] They're peace -loving people.

[183] Don't fuck with them.

[184] Also, they love their bikes.

[185] I mean, if anybody loves their bikes.

[186] It's those people.

[187] That was the last straw.

[188] Then they came for our bikes.

[189] Okay.

[190] Okay, I'm not going to reach you the line.

[191] That's the thing of this.

[192] Hi, Georgia.

[193] Karen, Stephen and pets.

[194] I feel like at some point you've requested wilderness survival stories, but if not, here's one anyway.

[195] It's a great area.

[196] I support it entirely.

[197] That's great.

[198] I'm from a small town in East Tennessee, where being one with nature is really one of the only things to do.

[199] And the mountains and rivers are its only redeeming quality.

[200] A few years ago, while I was visiting for Christmas, my dad, stepmom, and younger brother decided to go on a hike.

[201] And I joined last minute.

[202] I'm more of an indoor cat, so I thought that a hoodie, some yoga.

[203] pants and tennis shoes would be fine.

[204] It wasn't insanely cold outside.

[205] We left it like 11 a .m. And the hike was only supposed to take a couple hours.

[206] So we started up the mountain and maybe halfway through, we came to a split.

[207] Neither side was well maintained and there were no signs.

[208] So it wasn't clear which one was the obvious right way.

[209] But my dad likes to think he's bare fucking grillis.

[210] So instead of playing it safe and turning our geek squad around, he said, let's go this way, and let us down the pathway to hell.

[211] Oh, oh.

[212] So we went down the wrong, quote, trail for so long that by the time it finally dawned on him that we should go back, it was completely dark.

[213] And since we weren't on a clear path to begin with, it wasn't like we could just retrace our steps.

[214] The temperature plummeted and it started raining.

[215] We had no cell service.

[216] We barely had any food.

[217] We had been out there for several hours and I remember stopping and sobbing hysterically saying I didn't want to die like.

[218] this and my dad getting mad at me for quote being a baby yeah we eventually decided that the only way we were getting down was if we went down the side of the steep as fuck bluffs so we literally started sliding down the hill on our butts and remember how i wore yoga pants turns out that seven dollar pair from amazon wasn't very durable the ground ripped right through them and my underwear and eventually I was sliding down on my bare ass.

[219] But thankfully, it went numb after a while.

[220] At one point, during our adventure down the worst slip and slide I've ever been on, my dad checked his phone and finally had service.

[221] So we called 911 and they got a rescue squad out to find us.

[222] It took several hours, but they finally located us and helped us repel down the side of the mountain.

[223] We got a very prestigious motor card of four -wheelers to drive us out to the entrance, insurance for us into ambulances.

[224] It's fucking serious.

[225] It was past midnight by the time we got to the hospital and the doctor said that if we had been out there even just a few more hours, we likely would have died.

[226] My brother, dad, and I ended up being fine, but my stepmom had hypothermia and had to stay in the hospital for a few days.

[227] Jesus Christ.

[228] I know.

[229] This is serious.

[230] I had some very intense road rash on my ass and literally could not sit down for days.

[231] and I had to wear adult diapers because of how oozy it was.

[232] Ew.

[233] So that was super fun.

[234] But hey, at least I didn't die from not being able to complete what should have been a fairly simple hike because that would have been embarrassing.

[235] Anyway, stay sexy and don't go hiking with my dad.

[236] Meredith, she, her.

[237] Agreed, Meredith.

[238] Not a problem.

[239] Like that is a nightmare territory.

[240] calling 911 at that point asking for help because you're fucking lost to shit is like it's like not so not worth it no stay home Jesus Christ or know the path yes but yes that combination of the two is that feeling when suddenly it's like oh this isn't we're not messing around anymore this is bad it's dark we've all done versions of it oh yeah oh you don't actually know what you're doing Oh, no. Yeah.

[241] Great.

[242] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[243] Absolutely.

[244] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[245] Exactly.

[246] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[247] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[248] That's right.

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[250] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

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[252] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[253] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[254] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[255] Connect with customers inline and online.

[256] Do retail right with Shopify.

[257] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[258] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[259] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[260] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[261] Goodbye.

[262] The subject line of this email is hometown story Chippendales.

[263] Hey, y 'all.

[264] And here we go.

[265] Short, sweet, and straight to the point.

[266] Episode 300, you asked for Chippendale stories and you triggered a lost mess.

[267] memory.

[268] My mom went to a local bar in the 90s to see the scantily dressed men in person.

[269] After their set, they came to the floor and walked around doing lap dances and shaking, well, you know, my mom was walking.

[270] Maracas?

[271] Did they have Maracas?

[272] In a way, they're like Maracas, yes.

[273] My mom was walking to the bar when one flipped his luscious hair and hit her square in the face with his head, like broken.

[274] Tooth and swollen nose in the face.

[275] Oh, my God.

[276] What did she get from this encounter, you ask?

[277] A picture with almost nude guys with her face swollen, red, and without a tooth.

[278] To which she'd come home to a seven -year -old daughter to explain, A, what the heck happened to her face, B, who did it, and C, why she had a picture with eight almost nude guys.

[279] Stay sexy and watch out for the male dancers with long hair.

[280] Keisha.

[281] That's a good one.

[282] That's great.

[283] Her mom got head butted by a Chippendale's dancer with long Fabio 90s hair.

[284] And all she got out of it was a photo.

[285] A photo with the whole cast.

[286] Yeah.

[287] That was her.

[288] If you don't sue us, you can get everyone in one photo.

[289] Oh, my God.

[290] We'll crowd the guys together and give that to you.

[291] Yeah.

[292] All right.

[293] This one's short and sweet too.

[294] It's called, we could have been rich.

[295] Hi, Karen and Georgia.

[296] Love the show, et cetera, et cetera.

[297] I was listening to Minnesota 247 when you talked about a four -year -old making bank runs for her dad, which, by the way, is the new Nick Terry video on YouTube, so make sure you check that out.

[298] When I remembered a funny slash heartbreaking story, my mom told me. My mom was born in 1975, and sometime in the mid -80s, my grandmother, Beverly, amazing, started sending my mom to the store to play her lottery numbers.

[299] Yes, Beverly.

[300] amazing.

[301] This also took place in New York City.

[302] So as you can imagine, the neighborhood number whole, as my grandmother calls it, was not the best place for a child.

[303] Anyway, my mom apparently made these runs all the time and my grandmother never hit the jackpot.

[304] So eventually my mom decided there was no harm in using that money for something else.

[305] Like snacks.

[306] So she just stopped buying the fucking lottery ticket.

[307] Guess where this is going?

[308] Yes.

[309] Yes.

[310] This went on for who knows how long until one day my grandma, excitedly asked my mom for her ticket because, all caps, her numbers hit the jackpot.

[311] Knowing the trouble she would be in if she told the truth, my mom told my grandma, some older kids took the money from her so she couldn't play the numbers.

[312] My grandma felt so bad she didn't even ask any more questions about it.

[313] And she doesn't know what really happened till this day.

[314] Stay sexy and remember kids are liars.

[315] Tie.

[316] I love that lesson They would have been Was it all the numbers?

[317] Like they could have been wealthy I mean, but you know what?

[318] That's that thing is like, but they weren't supposed to be.

[319] And also, if you're so, if you're so convinced you're going to win, don't send a six -year -old with your task if it's that important.

[320] Be a little more responsible with your ticket buying.

[321] You're rolling extra dice by sending a child to do your errand.

[322] because every story in human history is a child going somewhere with a task that they don't fucking do.

[323] They're right.

[324] Jack and the Beanstalk.

[325] Yeah.

[326] And at all.

[327] Little Red Riding Hood.

[328] How many more fucking stories of kids fucking up do you need to hear before you stop giving them important errands?

[329] That's right.

[330] They're kids and they're liars.

[331] They're fucking liars.

[332] And they'll buy candy is the only thing that matters.

[333] They can't see a world where, like, a lottery is won.

[334] They're just like, there's a Snickers right there.

[335] I keep giving this guy money for no reason.

[336] I used to break into my sister's little kid, what's it called, safe, you know, the like shitty little kid ones.

[337] Steel, change, go across the street to the grocery and get a fucking bag of Reese's pieces and a squeeze it.

[338] Just stole all her money.

[339] Yeah.

[340] Sorry, Lee.

[341] Lee, you must have known.

[342] She knew.

[343] You were partially compliant.

[344] My dad had a bowl of change that he would empty, we come home from work and empty his pockets into a bowl of change.

[345] Oh my God.

[346] And that was our bowl of change.

[347] Yes, it was.

[348] Stay, hey, stay out of my bowl of change.

[349] Where are all the corners go?

[350] It's just like, you don't need them?

[351] You have money.

[352] Yeah, 60 cents.

[353] Taking it.

[354] Yes, I need to take my candy quarters.

[355] That's right.

[356] Send us your story of stealing from your parents or lying to your parents.

[357] Yeah, or doing a thing like that lottery remove, which is we all have it.

[358] Like, big, what's the thing you fucked up as a child that was this big?

[359] Like, I remember I lost for, I sold Girl Scout cookies and it was this big sheet that came with the set.

[360] Yes.

[361] That people had to fill out.

[362] And I lost that.

[363] Oh, that's huge.

[364] And my mom had taken it to work so all these people signed up so that I could try to win the cookie athon or whatever.

[365] And so you just had to keep all the cookies.

[366] No, no. She brought it to work just said what's the phrase honor system yes honor system with the cookies because there was no way to check it because fucking Karen lost she she brought it up for uh seven years yeah what's the thing that they still bring up about to prove your response you're irresponsible but it's something you did when you were 11 and how do they and like it's something you did where it's like hey how about how about I don't get a sales job when I'm nine years old because I'm going to fuck it up how about Yeah.

[367] How would I be, I don't become a fucking admin assistant and fucking have to fill out paperwork that I don't understand.

[368] If it's this important, you as the adult, take it and put it some fucking wear.

[369] Because I'm not going to.

[370] I don't have a lot of experience with highly important paper.

[371] I feel so justified now.

[372] I feel so much better.

[373] I do so.

[374] Sick of feeling guilty for that stupid shit.

[375] It was your 70s parenting minus.

[376] Not mine.

[377] If you guys want to hear one more fascinating, amazing story from each of us, hometown, join the fan call.

[378] They're all up there.

[379] Tons of them.

[380] And if you want to hear me kind of go to therapy, then just listen to this miniser because that's what I did.

[381] That's what I decided to do.

[382] And also, stay sexy.

[383] And don't get murdered.

[384] Goodbye.

[385] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[386] This has been an exactly right production.

[387] Our producer is Hannah Kyle Crichton.

[388] Associate producer, Alejandra Keck.

[389] engineer and mixer Steven Ray Moran Researchers Jay Elias and Haley Gray send us your hometowns and your fucking hoorays at my favorite murder at gmail .com And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at my favorite murder and Twitter at my fave murder and for more information about this podcast are live shows merch or to join the fan cult go to my favorite murder .com rate review and subscribe you