Kevin Nealon

[0] Hi, my name is Kevin Neelan.

[1] And I feel confused that I'm considered Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Why would you say that?

[3] We've known each other since.

[4] I know you were here.

[5] I'm sorry.

[6] Such an asshole.

[7] Ring the bell.

[8] Brand new shoes.

[9] Walking blues.

[10] Climb the fence, books and pens.

[11] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[12] We are going to be friends.

[13] Hello there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[14] friend.

[15] This is a podcast normally done with all of us in the same room.

[16] But as you can imagine, because of the coronavirus pandemic, we've all isolated ourselves.

[17] We're all in our homes and we're doing this remotely.

[18] I'm able to see people, courtesy of Zoom, which seems to be how everybody's doing everything these days.

[19] And you know what?

[20] It's fun.

[21] I prefer being in the same room with my squad, you know?

[22] What does that make you laugh?

[23] Taylor Swift has a squad and you're my, you're my squad.

[24] You're my, you're my girl squad.

[25] Her squad is so much cooler than us, though.

[26] She's got supermodels and I don't know.

[27] Guess what?

[28] I don't think her squad is cooler than our squad, you know?

[29] I don't think, uh, Gigi Hadid is inherently, is that, is that the right person?

[30] Did I get one right?

[31] Yes, you did.

[32] Okay.

[33] Yeah, you did.

[34] I'm proud of you.

[35] Yeah, It was good.

[36] Yeah, she hangs that with Gigi Hadid and Peter Falk and, uh, wait, and Tyrone in that one.

[37] And Tyrone Powell and, uh, she's, you know, and, and, and the Salvador Dali, she's got her cool people and the guy who did all the sound effects on the police squad movies.

[38] Michael Winslow.

[39] Police Academy, not police squad.

[40] Yeah, Michael Winslow.

[41] So she's got her cool squad, but I think my squad is just as cool, you know.

[42] Well, if Selena Gomez came up to you and said, join your squad, but you have to get rid of, you know, Matt.

[43] Would you do it?

[44] Yes.

[45] Oh, wow, you didn't even hesitate.

[46] What do you expect?

[47] Yeah.

[48] I mean, it's Selena Gomez.

[49] And Matt, you know, first of all, Matt Gourley, our producer, does a terrific job, but I think Selena Gomez could do that job.

[50] I think that's something she could learn, don't you?

[51] Yeah, but I could do her job.

[52] Are you kidding?

[53] Really?

[54] You could be like the face of Nogsima beauty cleanser.

[55] You could wear a certain kind of legging and immediately get, you know, the sails go through the roof of that legging.

[56] I'm doing it now.

[57] Right?

[58] Oh, look, I can see you, actually.

[59] I just saw you lift your leg.

[60] That was impressive.

[61] Maybe you're right.

[62] So, yeah, I got McRole here.

[63] And Sonam of Sessian.

[64] I don't need to, do I even need to introduce Sona anymore?

[65] I mean, but I think it's the polite thing to do it.

[66] Okay.

[67] All right.

[68] Well, Sona, I consider you guys my squad.

[69] Like, Taylor Swift has her squad.

[70] Yeah.

[71] And Dua Lipa probably has her squad.

[72] My kids can't believe I even know who Dua Lipa is.

[73] I'm shocked you just said her name.

[74] I'm absolutely shocked.

[75] Yeah, I thought it was a country.

[76] And, yeah, I said, I thought, oh, I would love to get a stamp from Dua Lepa.

[77] Or maybe I'll do a travel show to Dua.

[78] Or what's the main export by Dua Lepa?

[79] And then they told me, no, no, no, you're an idiot.

[80] Or so glad Dua Lepa threw off the shackles of British tyranny and is now an independent government.

[81] I was so wrong about Duolip.

[82] I kept doubling down and saying, I want a T -shirt that said, I went to Duolipa, and all I got was this T -shirt.

[83] But then I found out that she's apparently very, very popular.

[84] You were like, I want to try Duolipan cuisine?

[85] Yeah, I went to a Duolipan restaurant.

[86] The stuff they do with lamb is absolutely amazing.

[87] Early on, pirates.

[88] Pirates used to love to park their ships near Duolipa because it had a, had a cove that was very hard to enter ships on patrol, French and British.

[89] So there's many, many people think there's a lot of treasure hidden in Dua Lipa.

[90] You're bordering on gross double entendre.

[91] I'm not even trying to.

[92] I'm just saying that I really did think Dua was a, was an independent country, got its independence in 1966.

[93] You know a lot about the history of a fake country.

[94] That doesn't even exist.

[95] Yeah.

[96] I know everything there is about the country of Dua Lepa.

[97] that doesn't exist, and nothing about the absolutely famous and super talented singer named Duolipa.

[98] But I wish, what if I started to have a squad that was, wouldn't that puzzle everybody if my squad had the Hadid sisters in it?

[99] Carly Claus.

[100] Yeah, exactly.

[101] And I was constantly doing stuff with my girl squad.

[102] And it just baffled people.

[103] They were like, I don't understand.

[104] One of these things does not go with the other, like all of them to.

[105] together, you know, in some cool location.

[106] And I'm in the picture, too, wearing an ill -fitting jacket.

[107] And I don't know.

[108] I'm just obsessed with getting a squad.

[109] I want a cool squad.

[110] Oh, be your squad.

[111] Yeah.

[112] Ooh.

[113] Well, we have a great show today.

[114] And I think, you know, I don't want to get any complaints from dual -leapins out there that I've slandered their country.

[115] So my guest today is a hilarious community.

[116] comedian, and I joke around about not having a friend.

[117] He really is a very good friend of mine who's appeared on my show countless times.

[118] He was a cast member on Star Not Live and started these Showtime series, Weeds.

[119] You can see him now on the CBS series, Man with a Plan, and he's got a terrific web series hiking with Kevin.

[120] Let me make sure I point out that this segment was taped before everyone went into quarantine for the coronavirus.

[121] So if people are listening to this podcast and they think, why is everyone in such a good mood?

[122] That's because this was taped beforehand.

[123] I'd like to think we could still do a funny show, even under these circumstances.

[124] But I just want to point that out for Kevin's sake.

[125] I'm really excited that he did speak with me. Kevin Nealon, welcome.

[126] We've known each other since 1988.

[127] You're one of the first people I met at Silent Live.

[128] You said known.

[129] I've known Abraham Lincoln.

[130] since I was four.

[131] Doesn't mean we're friends.

[132] No, I'm all right?

[133] You brought laughers in.

[134] I like that.

[135] People with a sense of your work.

[136] She never laughs.

[137] This is unusual for her to really go to town like this.

[138] When will this be on?

[139] That's the important question.

[140] This will never air.

[141] This is something that I'm doing.

[142] Is this a practice thing for something else you're doing?

[143] Yes, yes.

[144] We've done, this is our second season of the podcast, and I thought we should tape one that we don't use, that we just keep.

[145] It's a sample, like what not to do.

[146] this is a sample of room tone and temperature and temperature and so this will never ever I don't know mics can pick up a temperature they can these are very sophisticated mics are you worried about the coronavirus and while you're a fun guy wait was that your time's up your time's up you made a big thing about turning off your phone you made a big speech about everyone turn off your phone and then you didn't turn off your phone no I like other people remember Tony Clifton Andy Coffman's alter ego yes he would before he came on stage, he would say there would be no smoking in the room while Tony Clifton performs.

[147] And then he come out with a cigarette in his mouth.

[148] And so you are likening yourself.

[149] I've been influenced by a lot of comedians.

[150] Not you, though.

[151] Not at all.

[152] But I have been influenced by many, many funny people.

[153] I don't consider myself a comedian, so I'm not understanding.

[154] You're right about that.

[155] I am a humorist and I'm a comedic stylist.

[156] But I've never considered myself a comedian.

[157] Nobody has.

[158] Unbelievable.

[159] Unbelievable that I not only have you on the podcast, but I routinely lend you money, often meeting you in parking lots at strange hours of night to give you cash.

[160] But remember when we were writing Hans of Franz, The Girlie Men Dilemma?

[161] Who doesn't?

[162] That's a movie that defined a generation.

[163] You had your wingtip shoes up on the table that you were playing with them and looking at them like they were like a model boat or something.

[164] I got bored.

[165] Let me just back up because not everyone knows You're also working on The Simpsons Can I just back up a little bit Because you need to sometimes reference things You need to set them up a little bit You're underestimating your audience They're smart No one knows about the Hans and Franz musical Why do you treat your audience so dumbly?

[166] Because it never Why do I treat them so dumbly?

[167] Well, I guess you showed me When Hans and Franz was a big deal There was a chance There was a movie deal To make a script for the Hans and Franz musical Robert Smygel and I...

[168] You're not talking to me because I already know this.

[169] I know.

[170] You're talking to your dumbly audience that you think they are.

[171] I don't think they are.

[172] We worked with you and Dana on a Hanson Friends...

[173] And Robert Smigel.

[174] I said Robert Smigel.

[175] Play it back.

[176] I don't think you did.

[177] I don't think you did.

[178] Anyway, Robert Smigel, Conan O 'Brien, Dana Carvey, and I'm giving you last bullying on this one, Kevin Nealan worked on...

[179] It's punishment.

[180] Worked on a Hans and Friends musical that was actually very funny.

[181] The whole idea being that it would be a vehicle for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[182] We worked at the Sony lot, I think.

[183] We worked at the Sony lot and also the Shangri -Lai Hotel in Santa Monica.

[184] We had a suite up there.

[185] Yeah.

[186] It's really where I lived.

[187] Yeah.

[188] What was your fuck pad?

[189] I remember that very well.

[190] Okay.

[191] Well, I didn't want that to get out, but now it's done.

[192] Yeah.

[193] Whatever.

[194] No, you never had women up there.

[195] It was just you and me. It was, you called it a fuck pad for tax purposes.

[196] You're the only guy I've ever known who got a fuck pad for tax purposes.

[197] and then used it to do mostly accounting one.

[198] But we worked on this musical, and the whole idea was that Schwarzenegger was going to be in it, and there's a lot of very funny stuff in it I remembered, but I also remembered stretches of incredible boredom.

[199] And you were bothered once because at the time, I was wearing wingtip shoes, which you always wore.

[200] Which I always wore.

[201] And I took the shoes off, and I would be so bored, I would just look at the shoes as if they were objects of art. And I would look at them on the table.

[202] And then flash forward a couple years when I get announced as the new host who's going to take over for David Letterman, and no one knows who I am, they're calling around different celebrities to find out who is this Conan O 'Brien, and they got you on the phone.

[203] And it was like an Esquire.

[204] They said, according to Kevin Neelan, we know nothing about Conan O 'Brien, but according to comedian Kevin Neillan and standout live star, Kevin Neillan, and standout live star, Kevin Ewan.

[205] They put it in quotes.

[206] They put it in quotes.

[207] They said, Conan is known to take off his shoes.

[208] put them on a table and stare at them for long periods of time.

[209] And you said it as just kind of a joke and it got printed and people were like, who is this guy?

[210] But just circling back to what I was saying earlier that when we were writing that movie, you always were curious what it was like for me and Dana to work on the road and to be comedians and that's what you always wanted to do.

[211] So when I see you doing these little pop -ups places I'm thinking, well, Conan's getting his wish.

[212] You do a very funny show called Hiking with Kevin.

[213] Which you were on.

[214] You were nice enough to come on and do that for me. Yeah, I was going to mention that.

[215] But anyway, as I was hiking with you, you kept cutting in.

[216] You'd ask me a question, and then I would start to answer it, and I'd say, oh, I've got a good story for this.

[217] And you would cut in and change this.

[218] Because you bored me to death with your answers.

[219] I was trying to get something that was stimulating for our audience.

[220] You kept cutting in, and I finally said, if you want to do this and interview people, to actually listen to what they're saying a little bit.

[221] And you seemed perturbed.

[222] You looked really confused.

[223] Are you finished?

[224] Are you finished?

[225] Oh, this reminds.

[226] I'm listening.

[227] I want to bring up something.

[228] You did.

[229] You, uh, and I, there's going to be a lot of Kevin and I, uh, angrily yelling at each other, but I do want to preface it by saying he's one of my favorite, uh, funny people of all time.

[230] And you did something on that one of my writers.

[231] Why can't you look at me when you're saying this?

[232] Because I don't mean it.

[233] Why can't you look at me in the eyes?

[234] No, because then I'd have to really care about you.

[235] It's like you're reading it off a paper.

[236] I am.

[237] I'm looking down on a legal pad, and I just wrote on the legal pad, try to care about Kevin.

[238] But anyway, you are, this is so you.

[239] You were on the show, and I was interviewing you.

[240] And then at one point, we were talking, and then there was just an awkward pause that would have been deadly for anybody else.

[241] It was an awkward pause, and you just said, where is our waiter?

[242] And I was like, that's only Kevin.

[243] Only Kevin would say that.

[244] It was absolutely hilarious.

[245] You know, I love awkward silences.

[246] I think there's so much, it's recharging the battery of comedy, I think.

[247] I agree.

[248] And I think it's much more so awkward when it's on a talk show format, like in a studio like you do.

[249] But when you're out there hiking on my show, it's like you don't need to be talking all the time because you're outside, you're hiking, you're walking.

[250] Oh, look at there's a bird.

[251] But what if I'm in the middle of telling you I'm gay?

[252] and you interrupt me and say, look, there's a bird.

[253] You cut in so many times, and then later you admitted you looked at the interview.

[254] I looked back at it, and I couldn't account how many times you rolled your eyes every time I interrupted you.

[255] What would you know about interviewing people?

[256] Well, let's see.

[257] I am in the Guinness Book of World Records.

[258] Are you really?

[259] For what?

[260] How many beers did you drink?

[261] I think what it is about you, because nobody could really figure out why you're so successful.

[262] is because You've been talking to Marty Short.

[263] That's Marty Short thing too.

[264] I don't quite.

[265] I look at you and I look at what you've achieved and I wonder how.

[266] I did a hike with Marty on my show called Hiking with Kevin on YouTube.

[267] I posted every Thursday, hashtag Hiking with Kevin.

[268] And I watched it as of course I edit it and I'm spending a whole week with that person and it was just so much, so much belittling and berating for the whole hike.

[269] That's what he does.

[270] Yes, yes.

[271] Marty will tear you apart.

[272] And he's so funny.

[273] With a smile.

[274] With a smile, Martin Short is so funny.

[275] And I'll go to dinner with him or we'll hang out.

[276] And I'm howling the whole time.

[277] And then I go home.

[278] You guys ran my fuck pad once.

[279] Yeah, exactly.

[280] You cut in.

[281] But I'll be laughing really hard.

[282] And then I'll go home and I'll be just starting to fall asleep when I'll suddenly feel very bad about myself.

[283] He has that ability to cut you a million.

[284] times in a delightful way and then you get home and you think I don't have any talent.

[285] I have no self -esteem.

[286] I'm really unattractive.

[287] I have, I'm an anomaly.

[288] You know, I've told you, I want to mention this because I've mentioned it before.

[289] And then when you're finished, maybe I can get a word in.

[290] Okay.

[291] I was going to compliment you, but I, when I, I've told you this many times, but when I was, when Greg Daniels, and I had a meeting with Lauren Michaels to possibly write for Saturday Night Live.

[292] And this would have been in 1987, Lauren met us.

[293] This is back in the 1900s.

[294] Lauren, that was helpful.

[295] Lauren, I'll just going to grant you as a professional interview.

[296] I will hold up my pen when you can speak.

[297] As a professional interview as you are, when is it proper to interject while something's very topical in the conversation?

[298] I think with you, it's best.

[299] Instead of it, let me finish, please.

[300] It depends on who it is.

[301] of like letting the conversation and finishing them, though, I wanted to say something what you said maybe four minutes ago about Marty Short.

[302] I'm not going to tell you this nice thing I was going to say now is punishment.

[303] It's just not going to happen.

[304] That is so you.

[305] You love to torture and punish people.

[306] Why is that?

[307] Why do you think that is?

[308] Large family.

[309] There's a lot of anger.

[310] It's an Irish family.

[311] I think you were probably the most revealing out of all the hikes I've done, and I've done about 86 hikes.

[312] so far.

[313] And yet, how did you learn anything from our hike?

[314] I think you, you went, you interjected so many times.

[315] Tell me what you talked about.

[316] Tell me what I asked you.

[317] We hiked up a mountain and you burned more calories cutting in on me conversationally than you did getting up the mountain.

[318] First of all, you had the silliest hat on.

[319] It was such a stupid hat.

[320] Your smart audience should watch hiking with Kevin Conan.

[321] There's two, there's two installments up because it's two more times and you get a free car.

[322] I have mugs out in the car.

[323] I just grabbed a hat.

[324] I grabbed a hat that isn't even my hat.

[325] It looked like it was your son's hat.

[326] Yeah, it was like my wife's hat.

[327] It was a big floppy hat and I look at no makeup on.

[328] It's the worst I've ever looked and that's really saying something.

[329] I'll look better during my autopsy than I did during that hiking with Kevin.

[330] I'm not going to argue with you on that one.

[331] But, you know, the hat was like a Tom Sawyer white kind of a fringy hat.

[332] And it was almost like you thought I was joking about the hike.

[333] You showed up.

[334] I'm surprised you weren't wearing culots or, you know, spikes or something.

[335] I just couldn't believe anyone would watch this.

[336] And so I thought this is why even get dressed.

[337] I almost went nude, you know, because I just thought.

[338] But I'm, are you comfortable being nude in front of people?

[339] No, I'm not.

[340] I'm not comfortable.

[341] My wife has not seen me naked.

[342] And I've been married for 17 years.

[343] That's because you're always working.

[344] Yeah, I work a lot.

[345] And we have like a Hasidic situation where there's like, a sheet between us when we lie in bed.

[346] I want to be covered at all times.

[347] I have a lot of body shame.

[348] And for no reason, I have an amazing body.

[349] I'm just going to put that out there.

[350] I've an incredible naked body.

[351] I've known you over the years.

[352] I've looked back at pictures of you when you were a writer on SNL.

[353] And you, I won't see you're like Arnold Schwarzenegger -esque, but you've really developed your shoulders in your chest.

[354] Yeah, I work out a lot.

[355] And you have a hairy red chest.

[356] Am I correct?

[357] Yes, I do.

[358] And the navel is an outy or an any?

[359] It would be an any.

[360] An any.

[361] How far in does it go?

[362] It goes in about an eighth of an inch.

[363] Okay, so you had some work done on that.

[364] Yeah, it used to be about half an inch, and I thought that went in too far.

[365] Food would sometimes leak out of it after a big meal, so I had it brought in.

[366] So you had it any reduction?

[367] Yeah, yeah.

[368] Costs me $45 ,000.

[369] Is that what they go for now?

[370] Yes.

[371] I had the best guy do it.

[372] You know what?

[373] You should really have that done when you're born with the umbilical cord.

[374] Yeah, yeah.

[375] Well, my parents didn't have the money, and they didn't do it.

[376] care.

[377] My umbilical cord was not cut off at all.

[378] It was tied into a daisy chain.

[379] Are you familiar with knots?

[380] Yes, I am.

[381] Yeah, because that way it kept it out of the way.

[382] And you had it sort of braided it around you as a belt for a while?

[383] Conan, I got to take a break.

[384] When we come back, let's talk some more.

[385] Oh, I'm not the host.

[386] You're not the host.

[387] You're not the host, and you never were.

[388] But you know what?

[389] This is a great replacement audition.

[390] I will get this out, and I know you're going to try and stop me. No, no. The floor is yours.

[391] The floor, you go ahead.

[392] I had a meeting.

[393] Greg Daniels and I had a meeting with Lauren Michaels and we each, he said, and it was us trying desperately to get a job on Senate Live.

[394] Tell your audience who Greg Daniels is.

[395] I don't think I have to.

[396] He's responsible for half the TV shows you're all watching right now.

[397] Him and Chuck Laurie.

[398] Yeah.

[399] Office, Parks and Rec.

[400] Family guy, King of the Hill.

[401] Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous.

[402] Family guy.

[403] Hawaii 5 -0?

[404] Let's not forget that.

[405] He wrote the original in the 1960s.

[406] And the fugitive.

[407] And, but anyway, Lorne turned to me and he said, you, who's your favorite cast member?

[408] And I said, Kevin Neelan, without missing a beat, because you were my favorite.

[409] And I could tell by the look on his face that was not the right hand.

[410] He was a shot.

[411] Really?

[412] Really?

[413] You don't find him too dry.

[414] And I just, but you were always the guy that I wanted to write for.

[415] You had just such a...

[416] What did you write for me?

[417] I wrote a lot of stuff for you I wrote the first sketch I wrote that I called the skeleton sketch A guy who's afraid of his own skeleton That John Lithgow ended up doing I wrote.

[418] I wrote for you And that was the first sketch I ever wrote Was for you.

[419] We mean what sketch did you ever write for me And that was the sketch I was really proud of A professor A professor who's afraid of his own skeleton Yes, he has a skeleton On the little stage that he has And he's talking to the class And every time he turns to the skeleton He gets scared And just as much just as much each time.

[420] Yeah.

[421] And then he keeps going to the dean, played by Phil Hartman, to get advice.

[422] And it was a sketch that was very silly and ridiculous and very me, and I was very proud of it.

[423] And I wrote it for you, but I think everyone thought it needed the host to do it.

[424] And the host that week was Robin Williams, and I don't think he wanted to do it.

[425] John Lithgow did it.

[426] So John Lithgow ended up doing it.

[427] He did a great job.

[428] All right, let's get the podcast started, man, because I can't say too long.

[429] We've been actually rolling on this.

[430] Oh, we have been on.

[431] Okay, my bad.

[432] My bad.

[433] You're seamless.

[434] I thought we were just talking.

[435] Well, that's what I do is I put people in a very relaxed state.

[436] And you seem as relaxed as I've seen you in quite a while.

[437] I won't tell you.

[438] You seem nervous.

[439] A lot of times when I bump into you, you seem like you're trying to game the system a little bit when you're talking to me. You're not just yourself, as you are now.

[440] I feel comfortable with you as far as the multitude of talk show hosts go.

[441] Why do you have your phone out?

[442] Because I'm going to read a little interchange that we had on a text.

[443] this will show you what a good friend you are.

[444] Okay.

[445] To me. Terrific.

[446] I have you under Conan.

[447] That's great.

[448] I like that.

[449] But the big celebrities, you can just put them under their real name because no one believes you'd actually know them.

[450] Well, sometimes you do a radio show in the morning.

[451] They say, let me see your, you know, your contact list on your cell phone.

[452] Let me see what celebrities you got there.

[453] And they always scroll right past your name.

[454] It's like you're just like, all right.

[455] So here's our little exchange we have.

[456] You hear laughter there.

[457] I'm not laughing.

[458] I just want it to be clear.

[459] You're not hearing my distinct laugh as I get shredded.

[460] Okay, here it is.

[461] My wife ran into Conan at a party, and I was out of town working because I'm the breadwinner.

[462] And I'm kidding.

[463] We all win bread at my house.

[464] And she told Conan that I was out of town.

[465] I'm doing stand -up, and I'll be back soon, and he was worried about me. So he said, have him text me when he gets back.

[466] Here's why I text them.

[467] February 2nd, it says 1145.

[468] Conan, can you come and pick me up at the airport?

[469] That's right.

[470] this is true.

[471] This happened.

[472] At 4 .32, about five hours later, he says, on my way, I give him the thumbs up.

[473] This is all real, by the way.

[474] 45, I say, still here waiting for you.

[475] Is there a problem?

[476] He says, I'm here.

[477] Mexican air.

[478] Where are you?

[479] I say, coronavirus quarantine 10, opposite Uber pickup.

[480] Please come in and get me. I need help with my bags.

[481] He says, they're in six weeks.

[482] I reply, traffic?

[483] He says, lack of interest.

[484] And I say, and I thought Uber was unreliable.

[485] Two days later, I say, I was able to get a day pass from the quarantine tent.

[486] Want to get a frat.

[487] No one has said frap since New England.

[488] Because I know you're from New England.

[489] He says, I'm in.

[490] When?

[491] Want to meet in that Palisades Mall for coffee and a bite?

[492] Why aren't you answering me?

[493] Yeah.

[494] You blew me up.

[495] You ghosted me. No, let me finish.

[496] Three days later.

[497] Just released from quarantine.

[498] I would have text you sooner, but they only allowed us 20 texts.

[499] Yeah, let's do it.

[500] And then that was it.

[501] Never heard from them again.

[502] But, yeah.

[503] So you realized that after our joking around, I actually made it a, I made an attempt to get a bite with you and have a real moment with you.

[504] And you waited three days to get back to me. And I know for a fact that you were in town.

[505] So what were you doing?

[506] I wasn't serious about getting a frap.

[507] No, I know.

[508] back like I was.

[509] I thought, how could he be that confused?

[510] No, not a crap.

[511] I just thought that we would go and get a bite to eat and talk about stuff.

[512] When has that ever happened?

[513] Well, clearly it can't happen because for you, it's either a fun joke.

[514] Will you just pretend for one minute that I'm not going to be around next week?

[515] Like, my, I'm gone.

[516] I think about that all the time.

[517] Just tell me how much you love me and how much I mean to you.

[518] Let me look away.

[519] Let me look away from you.

[520] Yeah, look out of your paper.

[521] You've been a consistent friend and you would be missed.

[522] Just tilt your chin up just a little bit.

[523] There we go.

[524] Now I'm looking at you.

[525] No, you'd be missed.

[526] I would miss you and I know I'd get over it.

[527] Who would do the eulogy?

[528] For you?

[529] Well, Dana would speak.

[530] You got to bring out the big uns, Lovitz would speak.

[531] Schwarzenegger?

[532] No, no one would speak after Lovitz because he would clear the place out.

[533] You just threw a cup on the floor.

[534] You can't see what happened.

[535] It's a podcast.

[536] He finished his coffee and threw the, the cup on the floor.

[537] It's a podcast.

[538] I didn't finish it.

[539] A monster.

[540] Now he's going and getting it.

[541] Typically, when I do a podcast, they have a busboy that comes around and cleans off the table.

[542] But I guess you're really cutting corners on this one.

[543] Where's our waitress, by the way?

[544] You know what?

[545] You're always on.

[546] And we're back.

[547] And we're back.

[548] That was a nice break.

[549] It was a beautiful break.

[550] We finally had a chance to go to the bathroom.

[551] In my pants.

[552] And why'd you do that?

[553] Why'd you go blue?

[554] Because we were gone for two seconds.

[555] You're going to insert the commercial, right?

[556] I don't know.

[557] I'll insert something.

[558] Why do you ruin a beautiful interview with something like that?

[559] Well, he went to the bathroom, and then once you took it that level, I thought I'd do the old insert joke.

[560] What would our car trip cross -country be like?

[561] I'd be in the back.

[562] You'd be wearing a chauffeur's cap in the front.

[563] I would have headphones on.

[564] Occasionally I would scowl when I think there was a quicker route.

[565] You would occasionally lower the glass between the two of us.

[566] Why don't they have that anymore?

[567] I want the glass to come back.

[568] But I always knew that the limo driver was listening to our conversation in the back.

[569] Yeah, they do.

[570] They do listen to the conversation.

[571] Because whenever I said something funny, I would see him bouncing up and down in the chair like he was laughing.

[572] Could have been masturbating.

[573] They masturbate a lot, limo drivers.

[574] Is that right?

[575] They watch a ton of porn.

[576] Someone told me this, that they were walking along all the parked limos like at the Oscars or something and they saw two guys watching, like two cars in a row where the limo driver was watching pornography.

[577] on their tablet, which I think is fine.

[578] I have no problem with that.

[579] I'm just telling you a real story.

[580] This is a piece of life.

[581] Here's what I find really offensive about that.

[582] Okay.

[583] You don't watch porn on a tablet.

[584] It should be a widescreen.

[585] I watch pornography on my Apple Watch.

[586] You do?

[587] Yeah.

[588] How do you follow it back and forth like that?

[589] This is an area that's stopped.

[590] My God.

[591] This is all going to be edited out.

[592] We were doing so well, and this is an unprofitable area.

[593] Why did you turn us this way?

[594] You steered us in this direction.

[595] I don't think I did.

[596] This is an awful area.

[597] I want this whole area removed.

[598] We should do a radio show together.

[599] We should do a serious XM radio show.

[600] Yeah.

[601] We should do it.

[602] Why don't do that?

[603] Let's do a radio show together.

[604] Give it this podcast, man. You're just getting lost in that.

[605] It's two guys interrupting, and it's just constant interrupting.

[606] Two guys that love each other but won't admit it.

[607] And two guys that really are over -appreciated.

[608] Well, one guy over -appreciated.

[609] And the other guy misunderstood.

[610] Let me get you back on track, because I'm really good at this.

[611] And you're having trouble.

[612] I want to talk about your comedy style Very unique It's so good It's so good No it is No it really is It really is You are a You have that Who's your influence Was it Newhart Because you've Well no earlier in the interview I don't know if you were listening But you said that I was dry Sometimes that's misunderstood For phoning it in I got a text from somebody once He goes yeah You were here in Chicago About three years ago You phoned it in back then No I've never seen you phone it in And I texted in the back I said That's called being dry Yeah.

[613] No, no, you are very, you are the opposite of a sweat act.

[614] A sweat act is someone who's prowling the stage.

[615] They want the audience to love them.

[616] They're literally sweating to get their comedy across.

[617] You go out there and you are not afraid to speak in a very normal tone of voice, but you'll say the funniest things.

[618] Very clever, very smart.

[619] I really like watching you work.

[620] And I've told you that many times over the years.

[621] And I appreciate that.

[622] And coming from you, that's really, and I'm being very sincere now.

[623] That is very...

[624] You laughed.

[625] That is very...

[626] Whenever someone says I'm being very sincere now...

[627] Do you know what I learned from working on weeds with Mary Louise Parker?

[628] Oh, tell me. When you're angry, actors pay attention.

[629] If you're anybody out there, you can be sad or angry with a smile on your face.

[630] Oh.

[631] Mm -hmm.

[632] Okay.

[633] You studied acting.

[634] You know what I'm talking about.

[635] I didn't study acting.

[636] I've never studied acting.

[637] Well, have you studied anything?

[638] You know, that's insulting.

[639] I studied American history.

[640] Really?

[641] Tell me something about that.

[642] Hey, here's what I want to talk to you about American history.

[643] When I was watching...

[644] Are you okay?

[645] Yeah.

[646] Are you okay?

[647] I really do think...

[648] You hit on something.

[649] No, I think you have ADD.

[650] I really think you have a bad case of ADD.

[651] My wife says that because I leave the burners on all the time.

[652] Yeah, and you never finish a sentence.

[653] And then you ask a question.

[654] And then you don't even answer it.

[655] I get bored so easily.

[656] Well, it's good to have you here.

[657] Now, where are we?

[658] No, American history.

[659] Sometimes I'll watch the history channel.

[660] And you know how these historians come on and they start talking about, like, say, Thomas Jefferson or something.

[661] They talk about them like they actually knew them and they were good friends.

[662] Thomas Jefferson was really unique in certain ways.

[663] And, you know, it's funny that one time he went to the general store.

[664] And he, you know, he's not like one of these guys who likes to be friendly and warm, you know, but his wife, I mean, that's a whole other story.

[665] It's like they personally know them.

[666] And then you got to drum say, excuse me, did you live back then?

[667] Yeah.

[668] No, they're basing this on like three letters that you, you read that were written 200 years ago.

[669] But I appreciate them being passionate about it and really selling it.

[670] Well, I know about American history, some.

[671] And I know you have passions as well.

[672] I don't know what they are.

[673] You don't seem like to be challenged.

[674] Ask me any question in history, American history.

[675] What's that?

[676] Really?

[677] Yeah, and I'll answer it.

[678] Okay.

[679] It's got to be true or false.

[680] Or multiple choice.

[681] Just one answer.

[682] Just one letter.

[683] One letter for the multiple choice.

[684] You're an ass.

[685] But you're a lovely man. You're a lovely man. You and I share something in coming.

[686] We're both quite tall.

[687] I think you are taller than I am.

[688] No, you're taller.

[689] Am I?

[690] You're six five.

[691] You're getting a little smaller.

[692] I'm six four.

[693] Yeah.

[694] Yeah, it's the pompadour that confuses people.

[695] I don't know.

[696] I get seven inches of lift with my hair.

[697] Yeah.

[698] So that can throw it off.

[699] Okay, so maybe we're both six, four.

[700] Yeah, I think we're about the same.

[701] But you're a bigger guy than me. You've got that.

[702] Well, it's because I take care of myself.

[703] No. You played football.

[704] You were a. To be a big guy, yeah.

[705] Quite the athlete in your youth, weren't you?

[706] I still am.

[707] I play professional ball now.

[708] I don't think so.

[709] It's pickleball, but it's professional.

[710] Uh -huh.

[711] Stumped you, didn't I?

[712] No, I'm just keeping quiet because you said you liked awkward silences, and I'm giving you a nice big one on a platter.

[713] All right, let's see how much you'll, how awkward you can go.

[714] It's Kevin.

[715] I was on a great.

[716] He's got his phone out.

[717] You can handle it.

[718] I'm glad I went further.

[719] I could handle it.

[720] Yeah, you couldn't handle it.

[721] Let's talk about your...

[722] You know what?

[723] I love coming to do your talk show.

[724] Oh, my God.

[725] Do you have a minute?

[726] I've interviewed people.

[727] Let's see.

[728] Three people a night.

[729] Average, maybe 4 ,500 shows in my career.

[730] I can't do you.

[731] Let's say I've talked to 15 ,000 people.

[732] Do you think you've talked to that many people?

[733] Because you were never good with talking with people.

[734] You were more of a writer, right?

[735] You were a good kid.

[736] No, serious.

[737] You were a writer.

[738] hadn't been around.

[739] You'd been in school and then you come out of school and you got to write for SNL.

[740] You never had like one -on -one experience with people.

[741] Yeah, I've never really had spoken to people before.

[742] You watched people like Tom Snyder and Dick Cavett.

[743] The boards are lighting up with your references.

[744] Because you really, did you ever have any idea you would be a talk show host or a host for anything?

[745] Wow.

[746] I wouldn't tolerate this from anyone but you.

[747] Seriously, anyone else who came at me like this would be out by now.

[748] I thought I would, yeah, I thought I would perform for people.

[749] I really did.

[750] I didn't know quite how I would fit in, but I didn't know specifically that I'd be a talk show host.

[751] But that's why you're so popular because you came on the scene and you weren't like one of these smooth like guys you know that, you know, had the radio voice or the looks.

[752] God, I'm unbelievable.

[753] I'm kidding.

[754] Why?

[755] Where's all this anger coming from?

[756] Kevin, look at me. Where's all this anger coming from?

[757] From you.

[758] It's coming from you.

[759] not coming from me. I'm a, I'm like conventionally attractive.

[760] I'm a seven.

[761] No, you came along.

[762] Sona, give it to me, give me that.

[763] I'm a seven.

[764] You're a seven.

[765] What?

[766] You didn't bump me up?

[767] Why didn't you bump me up?

[768] You told me to tell you you're a seven and I said you're a seven.

[769] Yeah, that's your cue to say seven.

[770] You're a nine.

[771] Yeah, baby.

[772] You're a, no. Why would I ever, why would you think I would ever say that?

[773] Why do you have to, like, judge on a scale?

[774] people are beautiful from what's inside.

[775] Oh, not me. My insides are absolutely dreadful.

[776] My insides are a two.

[777] You came along and people said if he could do, I like this guy because that shows me that I could do anything.

[778] Oh, for God's sake.

[779] I'm serious.

[780] What are you talking about?

[781] You make it sound like I was a make -a -wish, you know?

[782] Well, not that, not that.

[783] But you were like, you came along and you introduced everybody to something different.

[784] You had this kind of a attractive manner to you that wasn't a normal kind of a talk show, you know, in that mold kind of a guy.

[785] You know, you weren't smooths.

[786] You weren't smooth at all.

[787] Good looking.

[788] No, good looking.

[789] I thought that there was a large part of the population that was not particularly adept or town.

[790] or good looking, and I thought I could represent them.

[791] So that's what I did.

[792] I was going to say, why do you think so many people glommed on to you?

[793] And I think that's probably why.

[794] Yeah, yeah.

[795] You know, you're not a good friend.

[796] You know, I don't understand.

[797] I know that this is a real thing with us.

[798] We've known each other for a long time.

[799] Why are you squinting like that?

[800] I'm falling asleep.

[801] Go ahead.

[802] We've been very good friends.

[803] Very good friends for a long time.

[804] But whenever I see you, we both do bits.

[805] Both of us.

[806] We don't really talk.

[807] And when I sent you that email, I was trying to get together.

[808] It was a text.

[809] It was a text.

[810] Let's get our fax trade.

[811] Okay.

[812] When I sent you that text, I really was trying to connect with you.

[813] And you ghosted me. I was in quarantine.

[814] No, you weren't.

[815] That's a bit.

[816] That's a joke.

[817] Maybe.

[818] Maybe he wasn't.

[819] No, it was not.

[820] They weren't quarantining anybody.

[821] By the time, by the way, this is probably airing in 20, 25.

[822] There was something called coronavirus, but everyone's okay.

[823] All hail fourth term President Trump.

[824] Here's the problem.

[825] Here's the problem.

[826] I really don't feel like I can get close to you because you immerse yourself in work and you're so busy.

[827] That's not true.

[828] No, I mean, a talk show would have been enough, but no, I want to do a podcast now too.

[829] Mike didn't.

[830] It was someone else's idea.

[831] It was.

[832] You owe somebody something.

[833] Yeah.

[834] It was a good idea.

[835] I didn't.

[836] But I feel like I really can't have the time with you that it takes to get to know you because is you are so calloused and there's so many walls around you and you're hiding so much.

[837] Am I?

[838] Sona, jump in here.

[839] You know me. I know I agree with Kevin.

[840] What is a wall around you?

[841] See, why don't you start recognizing the truth?

[842] Once you do that, you'll have some kind of...

[843] Why did I ask you to jump in?

[844] You need to open up.

[845] You really need to put yourself out there.

[846] All right.

[847] Put your shoulders back first.

[848] Let's start with physically.

[849] My shoulders are back.

[850] Lift your chin up.

[851] Okay.

[852] And look at me in the eyes.

[853] Okay.

[854] I'm looking at you in the eyes.

[855] And apologize.

[856] Apologize.

[857] Let's start with Apulogy.

[858] I'm sorry.

[859] All right, thank you.

[860] I'm sorry.

[861] For all the things I've done.

[862] Yes.

[863] And I do care about you.

[864] And I think you're one of the funniest people I've ever met in a certain category.

[865] I know how you feel about me. You don't have to say it over and over and over.

[866] I know how you feel.

[867] And I appreciate that.

[868] And I wish the feelings were mutual.

[869] Oh, I do.

[870] Good God.

[871] Because you don't love me as much as I love you.

[872] And I think about you.

[873] I care about you.

[874] That's why I'm saying mutual.

[875] Come up to my standards.

[876] Okay.

[877] Which are very high.

[878] I will do better.

[879] But it's hard to compete with your lovely wife.

[880] Do you feel like you're not good enough?

[881] I just started to...

[882] I just said your lovely wife and you switch topics.

[883] You're trying to change the subject.

[884] I know.

[885] I'm a therapist.

[886] You can't even say it right.

[887] I'm a therapist.

[888] You went therapist.

[889] I'm a therapist.

[890] You're a syrups?

[891] I'm a therapist.

[892] A therapist knows how to say therapist.

[893] I'm talking about Daffy Duck saying he's a therapist.

[894] I'm a therapist.

[895] I'm a therapist.

[896] I just want you to be able to hug me and really let me feel that your chest against my chest and they're not all tensed up and squeezing your muscles so I'm going to be impressed.

[897] Right.

[898] All right.

[899] I was a lot I could learn.

[900] Maybe this will happen.

[901] Maybe we'll get together and we'll have a good time.

[902] I don't know.

[903] You're a tricky one.

[904] You're a slippery eel, Kevin Yeh.

[905] Let's go back to my lovely wife.

[906] Beautiful woman.

[907] Beautiful woman.

[908] I'm so lucky.

[909] She's funny.

[910] She's kind.

[911] She's talented.

[912] How did she put up with you.

[913] And I'm, I'm not saying that in a mean way, but she's a lovely person.

[914] She's very funny.

[915] Your lovely wife, Susan.

[916] If you're not saying that in a mean way, what way is it?

[917] Well, no, what I'm saying is you're, I see her all the time.

[918] And she's always dressed to the nines and funny and great.

[919] And then you always are kind of quiet and you're shooting your little, you're shooting your little darts.

[920] The way, I mean, anyone who's been listening to this podcast can hear you just shooting these little darts out, like a little, like a tiny little gnome sniper.

[921] It's just shooting little mean.

[922] darts out at people.

[923] And I look at your lovely, beautiful, funny, talented wife.

[924] What kind of gardens have you been walking through with a mean gnome?

[925] Constantly firing arrows at my angus.

[926] No, I think we both married out of our league.

[927] Yeah, we both married up, as they say.

[928] We married up, and I don't know how we have children.

[929] My, uh...

[930] You have, is it ten children?

[931] I have two that I acknowledge.

[932] You have two.

[933] And then there's eight there around with giant pompadores.

[934] My son is an only child.

[935] I hope.

[936] And he is, after having him, we didn't need another one, quite frankly.

[937] Yeah.

[938] You have such a shit -eating grin right now.

[939] We didn't need another one.

[940] You know what I'm saying.

[941] We said, we definitely need to have another one.

[942] Yeah.

[943] Liza is my wife, people like my wife, a lot better than they like me. Sona has a good line.

[944] How does she put up with you?

[945] You say, what you line about?

[946] No, I said my favorite thing about Conan is Liza.

[947] Oh, Great.

[948] Yeah.

[949] So she's, everywhere I go, someone's shitting on me is basically how it works.

[950] But you kind of like that in a way, don't you?

[951] What, in a...

[952] So that you have something to deal with.

[953] You need to be stimulated all the time.

[954] You need to have a challenge at all times.

[955] Once this is over for you, which will not be far from now, what else do you want to do?

[956] All I want to do is, I do want to get a meal with you and really talk to you.

[957] Are you a breakfast guy?

[958] I love breakfast.

[959] I do love breakfast.

[960] Yeah.

[961] Because I like, are you have a good healthy breakfast every morning?

[962] I do have a very healthy breakfast.

[963] Protein shake?

[964] I do.

[965] I have a weight protein shake.

[966] That I put some spinach in there and I put some weight protein and I put some weight protein and I put some fruit.

[967] No, just some raw spinach.

[968] Raw spinach.

[969] And I, I, do you blend it or you just leave it all raw in there?

[970] I blend it up.

[971] You blend it up.

[972] Yeah.

[973] I use the Nutra Bullet.

[974] And that's not even an ad.

[975] I just think the Nutra Bullet, it's a great product.

[976] I really do.

[977] I like anything like that that you can get on.

[978] Are you getting a lot of ads on Instagram?

[979] What's happening with your brain?

[980] We were on a certain track.

[981] You bored me to death with the whole Nutra system or whatever it was.

[982] You asked me. All of a sudden, you're selling me products.

[983] You're selling me products.

[984] I didn't ask you what kind of blender it was.

[985] I just was getting the word out.

[986] You don't need to be.

[987] What year was that made that blender?

[988] I'd like to know that.

[989] Like a year ago.

[990] What's your problem?

[991] All right.

[992] So then you switched us to a different topic, which was Instagram?

[993] How did you get that?

[994] What's wrong with you that we're talking about my breakfast?

[995] I wanted to come out of the darkness and come into something that was happy and fun.

[996] Okay.

[997] And Instagram ads.

[998] All of a sudden, they're appearing.

[999] I was opposed to it at first.

[1000] And then I started seeing some things I really liked on there because somehow they know what I like, ease dropping.

[1001] Is it ease or eaves?

[1002] Try to stay with me, Conan.

[1003] How much sleep did you get last night?

[1004] Ease dropping.

[1005] I'm getting a lot more now.

[1006] Is it why I'm just put it that way?

[1007] I'm catching up.

[1008] Is it wives tale or wise tale?

[1009] You've got to stop.

[1010] You're good at American history.

[1011] What is it, Wives Taylor?

[1012] You are You are You are so good at wasting time You wanted to be in politics, didn't she?

[1013] That's why you studied American history And I tell you I think I'd be fantastic at it I really do.

[1014] I really do think.

[1015] What about Al Franken?

[1016] Is he going to get back into it?

[1017] I don't know if he is.

[1018] I don't know.

[1019] God, I wish he was in the Mueller hearings.

[1020] I wish he was Mueller.

[1021] Yeah.

[1022] So explain how it works in your brain.

[1023] Did you like voting today?

[1024] I know this is two years later.

[1025] Can I ask for a quick question?

[1026] I'm just, I'm going to start to write them down.

[1027] You asked me, do I like a good breakfast?

[1028] Yeah.

[1029] I started to answer.

[1030] You started talking about blenders and the magic bullet.

[1031] Then you said, do you like Instagram?

[1032] Then I started to talk about Instagram.

[1033] Then you said, is it Wives tale or Wives' Tale?

[1034] And then you said, do you think Al Franken will get back into politics?

[1035] Now, if I was a neurologist, I would rush you to the emergency.

[1036] room right now and I would not even take an MRI I would do an incision on your brain to find the mass that's pushing on it.

[1037] What time do you get up in the morning?

[1038] It's insane.

[1039] You can't do it.

[1040] Do you have a Tesla?

[1041] You can't really do it.

[1042] You can't do it.

[1043] Where do you shop?

[1044] Do you buy your own clothes?

[1045] You can buy your own clothes?

[1046] Yes, I do.

[1047] Let's see if you can stand one time for a bit.

[1048] Yes, I do.

[1049] I buy my own clothes.

[1050] Okay.

[1051] Let's talk about your clothes then.

[1052] Okay.

[1053] I like to buy my own clothes.

[1054] I go to a...

[1055] What's your inseam?

[1056] I can't tell if you're the best interviewer I've ever met or the worst.

[1057] I don't know.

[1058] Well, here's your answer.

[1059] Best.

[1060] Yeah.

[1061] Oh, there you go.

[1062] True or false.

[1063] Okay.

[1064] I have a 36 -inch leg.

[1065] Is your waist a 36 or a 34?

[1066] Oh, no. My length, the length of my leg is at 36.

[1067] I know.

[1068] I know what that is.

[1069] Yeah.

[1070] But your waist.

[1071] I would say it's about a 34.

[1072] I can't stop.

[1073] looking, when somebody wears Levi's and there's patch back there, I look to see what their waist is and their length.

[1074] Yeah.

[1075] And I think, no way, is that a 34.

[1076] Right.

[1077] And we're back, ladies and gentlemen.

[1078] If you just joined us, I'm talking with the catonic.

[1079] Is it catonic or catatonic?

[1080] Um, I want to go with you to the doctor.

[1081] I would love to interrogate you one day.

[1082] I would I would love to watch the police try and interrogate you.

[1083] If there was a crime and you were a main suspect, I would love it if the police said, Mr. Neon, have a seat.

[1084] Uh, yes, yes.

[1085] going to help you.

[1086] We're going to record this conversation.

[1087] You have the right to remain silent.

[1088] No, I'm fine.

[1089] I'm fine.

[1090] So we're going to ask you, you were found near the dead body and do you like flan?

[1091] Do you like flan?

[1092] The Spanish, it's sort of a Spanish custard.

[1093] What do you like?

[1094] You're neon light?

[1095] Do you think those low -powered neon lights?

[1096] You think those are going to work out?

[1097] I think they provide neon light, but some say neon light's not good for you.

[1098] Well, we want to talk to you about the murder and if it's possible, Seagull.

[1099] Is it Seagull or Seagull?

[1100] Let me get you back on track.

[1101] Let me get you back.

[1102] Come on back.

[1103] I'm back on it.

[1104] Okay, I'm back now.

[1105] But I like my riff that I just did.

[1106] That was a good riff.

[1107] Thank you, pal.

[1108] Yeah.

[1109] Finally, you come up with a riff.

[1110] Do you think, going back to the original question, which you never answered, a road trip, you and me, it could be to Burbank.

[1111] Oh, we're in Burbank.

[1112] Do you realize why I probably didn't answer it if you had to guess?

[1113] Yeah.

[1114] Probably you didn't let that.

[1115] Would you camp out with me?

[1116] Yeah, I would go on a road trip with you.

[1117] I think we'd have a lot of fun.

[1118] I'm being honest with you.

[1119] I think we would have a good time on a road trip.

[1120] If we went, if we left L .A. And we went to the.

[1121] How many days would it take before we started having a good time?

[1122] No, I think we'd have a good time right away.

[1123] I think I would find out more about you on the road trip.

[1124] We should do that, and you should film it for one of your little projects that you've got everywhere.

[1125] No, we're not going to film it.

[1126] It's going to be a real experience.

[1127] That's what I'm saying.

[1128] I think the first day would be like this.

[1129] We'd be bickering and stuff and interrupting.

[1130] You would be interruption, nonstop.

[1131] But the second day, you might loosen up a little bit.

[1132] And I think maybe even crying on the third day.

[1133] I think you'd be crying probably.

[1134] Where would we go?

[1135] Do you have an idea of where we would go?

[1136] Yeah, I know exactly.

[1137] I've already mapped it out.

[1138] What do you want to do?

[1139] No, we go through, we go past Vegas.

[1140] We head to the Grand Canyon.

[1141] Yeah.

[1142] And then we make a left on, I think it's 73, or 73 over to Montana, big sky.

[1143] Yeah.

[1144] And then we continue through Jackson Hole.

[1145] And then we circle back into Idaho because of some wonderful national parks area.

[1146] We'd be camping out the whole time.

[1147] This is the most focus you've been the whole interview.

[1148] I have a pop -up trailer.

[1149] and we'd have a pop -up trail to do a comedy show every night from the National Park.

[1150] No, we're not going to do a comedy show.

[1151] Who's going to come see an elk?

[1152] Are we going to have elk in the audience?

[1153] Maybe.

[1154] You know, who's no, no, we're not going to do it.

[1155] What was the last time you camped out?

[1156] I haven't camped out in a long time.

[1157] I want to say it's been a bunch of years since I camped out.

[1158] Yeah.

[1159] I took my daughter camping a bunch of years ago.

[1160] We had a great time.

[1161] Was it clamping or camping?

[1162] I think it was camping.

[1163] Was there a hotel?

[1164] No. Okay.

[1165] I mean, sort of.

[1166] Have you ever been attacked by, an animal?

[1167] I'm going to guess it's an aneurysm.

[1168] That's my guess.

[1169] Do you worry about those?

[1170] It's a swelling.

[1171] I'm worried that I have like ADD since you brought that up.

[1172] Yeah, I can't believe you remembered it.

[1173] Uh, yes, I think you have a very scattered style.

[1174] My wife said I have ADD.

[1175] Yeah, she's right.

[1176] She would know.

[1177] She's been married to you for many years.

[1178] I just need, I just need more excitement from you.

[1179] That's what I need.

[1180] Well, that's not going to happen.

[1181] Look, how could I be more excited about anybody than Kevin Eelon?

[1182] Were you excited about me coming in today?

[1183] Yes, I am.

[1184] When did you start thinking about me today?

[1185] About 20 minutes before you showed up.

[1186] I said, who's on today?

[1187] And they said, Kevin Newell, and there was a sigh, an honorable sigh, and the shoulders dropped.

[1188] And then, so when I said, cheer up.

[1189] And I said, you're right, we can get through this.

[1190] We can get through anything.

[1191] And then I said, I'm going to need a lot of coffee, so they got me a coffee.

[1192] When I came in here with my team of publicists and handlers and thought, you came in with one person.

[1193] One person.

[1194] No, the rest are out in the bus.

[1195] When I came in, a second before I walked in the door.

[1196] You came here in a bus.

[1197] Yes.

[1198] I'm on tour.

[1199] I'm on tour.

[1200] I'm doing a podcast tour.

[1201] I'm doing everybody's podcast.

[1202] Get it out of the way.

[1203] So nobody ever asks me again.

[1204] When I came in, seconds before I came in, I turned to Rebecca, my publicist.

[1205] She's the head of the staff team.

[1206] I said, Rebecca.

[1207] She's the only one.

[1208] Whose podcast are we doing now?

[1209] And she said, Conan.

[1210] She said, Conan and Brian.

[1211] She didn't know my last.

[1212] I said, is the team?

[1213] Is it Conan and Brian?

[1214] Brian.

[1215] She said Conan O 'Brien.

[1216] I said, oh, oh, Brian.

[1217] Okay.

[1218] I thought it was calm.

[1219] Conan and Brian.

[1220] And I was a little disappointed when there's no Brian in here.

[1221] Okay.

[1222] But I've had a great time.

[1223] You know we love doing this.

[1224] Yeah.

[1225] We go through like topics to talk about on your talk show.

[1226] You're still doing the talk show, right?

[1227] And we're unbelievable.

[1228] And we never get to them.

[1229] Unbelievable.

[1230] And we always know it.

[1231] I tell Frank Smiley, your segment producers, he's still working here.

[1232] Yeah.

[1233] I say, Frank, we're never going to get to these questions.

[1234] And we don't.

[1235] We go out there and we riff.

[1236] We have fun.

[1237] And we're real to each other.

[1238] And you can't do that to your other guests.

[1239] No. You're saying you're the only guest that I've ever spoken to.

[1240] I think you feel the most comfortable with me. Yes.

[1241] Yes, I do.

[1242] Everyone I've met in life, including my wife, you're the one I'm most comfortable with.

[1243] I'm going to let you go because I can't take it anymore.

[1244] Is this a catch -release podcast?

[1245] Yeah.

[1246] This is a catch -and -release.

[1247] This is a catch and quickly released podcast.

[1248] Anyone listening, don't be fooled.

[1249] Kevin and I really do love each other.

[1250] And I mean that.

[1251] And I have an incredible admiration for you.

[1252] And you close your eyes every time I say something nice about it.

[1253] No, I'm squinting.

[1254] I'm seeing what you look like if you were my wife.

[1255] You're a wonderful, a wonderful man and beloved in the comedy community.

[1256] And I hope you're able to appreciate that and take it in.

[1257] Same.

[1258] Wow.

[1259] Don't you hate it when people say same?

[1260] You don't want to put the work into it.

[1261] But, you know, I'm all about efficiency.

[1262] You know what?

[1263] That's what you're going to do at my eulogy.

[1264] Someone else, someone who speaks before me is going to say something really beautiful and well thought out, and you're going to get up and go, same, and then sit down.

[1265] First of all, what makes you think I'll be at your eulogy?

[1266] I think we're going down on the car, that car trip together.

[1267] Oh, you think else was going to happen?

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] I think we're going to go off the cliff to Grand Canyon.

[1270] Because I'll be looking at you.

[1271] We're going to be the Phelma and Louise of the eight.

[1272] aging white male comic set.

[1273] I'll be looking at you in the eyes and you'll be looking at me. We won't see the cliff.

[1274] So our first true eye contact will be just before we go off the cliff.

[1275] And then they'll freeze frame it and they'll roll credits.

[1276] After you edit everything out of this podcast, will you have enough to have a show?

[1277] We're going to have a solid podcast with over 7 ,000 topics, all provided by Kevin Nieland.

[1278] How long is the typical podcast?

[1279] Do you like a white screen?

[1280] Do you like high deaf?

[1281] Do you prefer a chimney or just like a vent?

[1282] Because I hardly see you.

[1283] I have to get all these are stupid questions.

[1284] These aren't good.

[1285] It's not whether it's stupid or smart.

[1286] It's coming from someone you love.

[1287] No. Your questions are things like, would you ever think about if you had receding gums?

[1288] Would you have a gum implant?

[1289] Is it called a gum implant or a gun implant?

[1290] Would you get a gum implant?

[1291] Do you ever worry that your cheekbones as your face gets a little softer won't be as sharp?

[1292] Do you think you'd do something about that?

[1293] Do you think it's Vokes wagon or Vogue's wagon?

[1294] When they say cumulus cloud, does that mean it's the fluffy one?

[1295] I know you're saying this like to get last but I know you love me and that we could share laughter like this and not have a lawsuit is just amazing.

[1296] It's incredible.

[1297] It shows me that you really do care about me. How often do you shave?

[1298] Twice a year.

[1299] You do?

[1300] Yeah, I have very low testosterone.

[1301] Have you ever manscape?

[1302] Yes, I have, actually.

[1303] Around the back area?

[1304] I have little bushes and stuff down there.

[1305] Like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck?

[1306] I have a little, does a dinosaur?

[1307] Nope.

[1308] This is the problem when you have people that have gone to Harvard and they haven't really experienced life?

[1309] Why did you bring that up?

[1310] Because you haven't experienced life.

[1311] People that have a secret hostility to me always bring up that I went to...

[1312] Mine's not secret.

[1313] I'm out with it.

[1314] I'm sorry, see.

[1315] You know, I'm a...

[1316] I wish Marty Sherr was here now.

[1317] We would so finish you off.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] Wow.

[1320] That's a great way to end.

[1321] I dream about that every night.

[1322] You and Marty finishing me up.

[1323] I meant that in a nice loving way.

[1324] I'm sure you did.

[1325] That's how it's intended.

[1326] to bed.

[1327] Kevin Ewan, you're a great man. Do you drive yourself or do you have a driver?

[1328] I can't handle it anymore.

[1329] Please.

[1330] At some point, at some point, just cut the tape.

[1331] At some point, just cut the tape.

[1332] I thought this was fun, though.

[1333] We had a good time, right?

[1334] Sure, yeah.

[1335] So, I always know that who's next.

[1336] I guess is confident when he says, we had a fun time, right?

[1337] That's the how you can tell you had a good day.

[1338] Who's going to bore you next?

[1339] You didn't bore me at all.

[1340] You're fascinating.

[1341] I'm not saying, though.

[1342] You're a fascinating case study.

[1343] I don't get bored by my guests.

[1344] I love having, I only talk to people I really want to talk to.

[1345] Occasionally there's someone else.

[1346] But, you know, what podcast are you thinking about taking out of the lineup and putting this in early because it was so good?

[1347] Well, that would be up to Adam Sacks.

[1348] He's the genius back there that runs things.

[1349] Oh, I thought he was your doctor.

[1350] He's also my doctor.

[1351] I was, what's my doctor once?

[1352] And he was feeling a lump.

[1353] And he said, you know, you should also have a podcast.

[1354] Oh, don't you hate when they feel a lump?

[1355] What?

[1356] Doctors.

[1357] Okay.

[1358] I'm calling the police.

[1359] Please, please.

[1360] Someone call in and tell me what happened here.

[1361] I want to see a transcript.

[1362] Is it a lump or assist?

[1363] We're going to go.

[1364] We're going to go.

[1365] Kevin Neillen.

[1366] Thanks for having me. I really enjoyed this.

[1367] I really enjoyed connecting with you.

[1368] You're the worst.

[1369] You're the worst.

[1370] Worst guy ever met.

[1371] Kevin Elyleyn, worst man I know.

[1372] So we took a few questions from listeners regarding this.

[1373] time that we're in and questions that might need your advice or all of our insight or just general commentary on some things you guys up for that.

[1374] I think it would be good because I've noticed certain people like Governor Cuomo and Dr. Fauci are out there giving a lot of knowledgeable, informed opinions on what to do.

[1375] And I think that's been covered, you know.

[1376] People maybe need to hear bad advice, you know, and stupidity and maybe advice that would actually be harmful.

[1377] And that's something I think I could provide.

[1378] Yeah.

[1379] It sounds like something people need at this time.

[1380] Yeah.

[1381] Well, here's one right now.

[1382] This is an advice question, and it's from BK.

[1383] Wopper 17 on Twitter.

[1384] How do I make a Skype first date during the quarantine more fun and exciting than just chatting?

[1385] Nudity.

[1386] I mean, yes.

[1387] I with Sona completely.

[1388] First of all, you can control the lighting.

[1389] You can control the angles.

[1390] I'm not someone who I think is very appealing in the nude, but I think I could probably alter things using various angles and lights.

[1391] And yeah, I think it would show me off to the best effect.

[1392] Plus, it's a safe way to be naked.

[1393] Yeah.

[1394] So I'm going to go with Sona and say, I think nudity is a great way to just right off the bat show that, A, you're not letting this virus harsh your mellow.

[1395] You're still out there having fun and doing what makes you happy.

[1396] And what better way to start an open and honest relationship than with full -on Skype nudity?

[1397] So that's, I think, probably the best thing you could possibly do on a first date.

[1398] Who would have a first date on Skype?

[1399] Well, you have no choice now.

[1400] Otherwise, you're going to wait a month.

[1401] Yeah, but at least.

[1402] Nothing's going to happen.

[1403] So why not wait a month?

[1404] Well, maybe it's nice because you get to talk to each other.

[1405] You get to know one another.

[1406] And then, you know, the physical stuff can come later.

[1407] I don't know.

[1408] Yeah.

[1409] And according to your advice, something is going to happen.

[1410] Yeah, but just alone.

[1411] I think the telephone is a better way to communicate in these times.

[1412] It's a very romantic way to communicate.

[1413] It leaves other things to the imagination.

[1414] So I've given you two completely opposed pieces of advice.

[1415] Yeah, you did.

[1416] Be naked in video, uh, on Skype, uh, but, uh, also use the telephone to be coy.

[1417] Maybe I don't have the best take on this.

[1418] I don't know.

[1419] I don't know.

[1420] I mean, it's been a long time since I dated.

[1421] I've been married, what, 19 years.

[1422] So I haven't really dated in almost five years.

[1423] Because you know, there was that period of time there where I, I thought it was, I misunderstood.

[1424] I thought it was okay to start up again.

[1425] And, uh, my wife quickly explained the whole marital bond thing.

[1426] So, whatever.

[1427] You just suddenly thought that it was okay to start dating in the middle of your marriage?

[1428] I thought there was something about 15 years in, there was some rhyme, like 15 years in, I'll let the fun begin, you know, like, and so I, I think, yeah.

[1429] And it was my own misconception, but I started, and I wasn't hiding anything.

[1430] I just was, While my wife was in the kitchen, calling people and saying, hey, this sounds great, I'd like to see more of you.

[1431] And we strained it out.

[1432] We strained it out.

[1433] We talked to a marriage counselor and a lawyer, and we also spoke to a moral philosopher who explained that I was, apparently that the term is a sociopath.

[1434] So we got it all worked out.

[1435] But anyway.

[1436] Okay.

[1437] Yvonne Kennedy on Facebook asks, after two weeks of self -sequestration, how can I know for sure whether I love my family or if it is just Stockholm syndrome?

[1438] Well, what I keep saying to my family is, well, you're the family I've got.

[1439] In the morning, when I see my son, I go, well, you are the son that showed up and that I have.

[1440] So I guess you're my son that I love.

[1441] and then I say some version of that to my daughter and then I say some version of that to my wife.

[1442] So, yeah, I find that way there's no dishonesty, you know?

[1443] Because if you tell your filming, oh, my God, we're all in this together, I love you, it might be Stockholm syndrome.

[1444] So eliminate that possibility by telling them up front, you're who's with me in this situation, so I guess I love you.

[1445] I guess I love you?

[1446] Yeah, yeah, because we're in this situation together, Then I suppose you're the ones that I love.

[1447] Okay, I don't know.

[1448] That way there's no chance that later on...

[1449] But you said, man. You said you love me, man. Now you say it's Stockholm, man. That's how my wife sounds.

[1450] That's your wife.

[1451] Yeah.

[1452] I married Tommy Chong.

[1453] From behind, you know, dude looked like a lady.

[1454] You know what I'm saying?

[1455] Okay, okay.

[1456] I'm sorry.

[1457] Wait, was his back turned to you at the...

[1458] altar when you guys were getting married?

[1459] I'm so sorry.

[1460] Yeah, he was.

[1461] And then he turned around and took the veil off.

[1462] And I was like, Tommy Chong, just as the priest said, I now pronounce you a man and wife.

[1463] And he went, hey, man. Can I tell you guys a quick story that's true that relates to that?

[1464] My grandfather, who everyone called Hofer, his name was James Reardon, but his nickname was Hofer because he knew some dance steps.

[1465] And he was a policeman in Worcester, Massachusetts.

[1466] When I knew him, of course, he was retired, and he was this really funny guy sort of reminded me of like a W .C. Fields who had this shock of white hair.

[1467] I would sit in his Dodge Dart while he drove us around in like the late 60s.

[1468] And I remember this was at the height of there being hippies.

[1469] And see, he'd see like a hippie with a giant, like all this hair.

[1470] You know what I mean?

[1471] Like practically down to the middle of his waist or like a giant afro, we would be driving with him and he would roll down the window and shout at the hippie, Hey, come out from behind the bush I remember thinking that was the funniest thing in the world My grandfather Hey, come out from behind the bush And the hippie would be like, hey man That retired cop and that little red -haired girl It really mean Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself Produced by me, Matt Goreley executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1472] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1473] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1474] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1475] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1476] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1477] Got a question for Conan?

[1478] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -151, 2821, and leave a message.

[1479] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1480] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1481] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.