Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked.
[1] And what powers me is my AG1.
[2] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[3] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it.
[4] And the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[5] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[6] Ag1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[7] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[8] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[9] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1.
[10] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel.
[11] packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[12] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[13] Check it out.
[14] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[15] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[16] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[17] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[18] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[19] I feel like myself again.
[20] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[21] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[22] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[23] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[24] Okay, so how do you get your kids do their chores without having to repeat yourself and remind them 18 times.
[25] What do you do when a child flat out defies you?
[26] And just disregard your instructions.
[27] What should you do when your teenager doesn't do their homework or go to their sports practice?
[28] Should we force a teenager to go on family vacation?
[29] Or is it ever okay?
[30] Just leave them with family.
[31] How do we get a child to do uncomfortable things like take pills or wear a back brace without arguing about it every single day?
[32] That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.
[33] So welcome.
[34] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm .com.
[35] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.
[36] If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.
[37] Tell us about your kids, ages as a kids.
[38] What do you struggle with most?
[39] Or tell us about you.
[40] A lot of, one of my favorite things to do is help parents break generational patterns and get over all of the triggers that you have.
[41] That is huge.
[42] So tell us about it.
[43] We talk about as a family.
[44] We respond back to you personally and usually very quickly.
[45] Why?
[46] Because that's our family mission to help you do these things.
[47] So if you need help booking a live event, because we're doing a lot of live free workshops around the country, ask Casey about it.
[48] And we'll come to your town.
[49] That would be cold to meet you in person.
[50] And if you ever need help financially with any of our products, just let Casey know.
[51] We're here to help.
[52] So I wanted to do a kind of a bonus podcast with some very different questions, but really some different answers.
[53] Because when I'm mentoring people and doing phone consultations or just answering emails from people who listen to the podcast, we get all kinds of questions.
[54] And I don't like to give the standard answers because they tend not to work with strong will kids.
[55] You know this.
[56] It usually backfires.
[57] How many have you had a more compliant child first?
[58] And you were like, wow, we are such good parents.
[59] And then you had the strong world child.
[60] And you're like, we don't know anything anymore.
[61] So I want to give a few, share a few odd answers in order to inspire you to think.
[62] differently to challenge your assumptions and experiment doing it in a different way.
[63] Now, I'm not saying that these answers are the right ones in every situation.
[64] There are always other options that are tougher or softer or just different, but I thought these might help you see things in a slightly different way.
[65] So five questions, five answers.
[66] Question number one, how do we stop from constantly having to remind her daughter to do chores and little tasks?
[67] For example, we homeschool, so I'll say, Rebecca, it's 8 a .m. I need you to have the dishes done by 9 a .m. so we can start school.
[68] And then every 10 minutes, I'll remind her, right?
[69] And then inevitably at 9 a .m., I end up saying, you know what, you're not going to have enough time to finish your job now, and we have to start school.
[70] So you're going to lose screen time this evening.
[71] Then she will proceed to lose her mind, scream and pitch a fit, make everybody in the house miserable.
[72] So, I get your frustration.
[73] These are simple requests.
[74] It shouldn't be a big deal.
[75] But here are some ideas, and I encourage you to experiment with these.
[76] You know what?
[77] One of my favorite ones is to sometimes make the chore, which is seemingly so easy, more difficult.
[78] Because some of our kids, they like their brain to be stimulated.
[79] So when we have these kids at our camps, I would give them chores, but I'd have them do them blindfolded or backwards just to make it a challenge.
[80] Can you change the chore that you want her to do so it's a little bit more of an adult type job?
[81] Because many of our kids do better with that and we're raising adults, not kids, right?
[82] So maybe start with something that's a guaranteed win if that even exists.
[83] Here is one that I really want you to think about.
[84] There's there are applications for this and lots of different areas.
[85] What I know about Strongwell kids is they don't like being watched.
[86] They don't want you standing over them at homework time.
[87] They don't want you watching them because often they fail and they get tired of being watched while they're failing.
[88] So think about this.
[89] If you could give your child a challenge to say, hey, bet you can't get this done before I come downstairs, right?
[90] Before I'm ready in the morning, before I'm in the room so maybe while you're getting ready or you're in the shower or maybe your daughter gets early with dad and does it with dad right try that because it could it'd be really interesting to see how she responds to that look some of these things I'm looking to learn about my child because if this if this mom's daughter actually does that well now we just got some big insight we're going to give her a lot of space and ownership of when and how she does her chores and homework and schoolwork because we know that she naturally does it better when she's not being watched.
[91] Here's another idea.
[92] Have Hubby handle it.
[93] Can Hubby give this instruction to your daughter?
[94] Right?
[95] Because one of the toughest parts of homeschooling is that your voice just gets used so much.
[96] You have to be the mom, the teacher, the principal, and it's endless.
[97] So having a different voice sometimes cuts through the clutter and helps.
[98] There's also this.
[99] You're naturally exhausted and frustrated by all of this, which you should be.
[100] Because you're doing this dozens of times a day.
[101] And that's partly why it does help to have hubby help with this because he may not be as frustrated with that because he doesn't have to give dozens of instructions a day.
[102] so his tone's going to be different.
[103] Your daughter will respond differently to that.
[104] See, because when you're frustrated, it changes your tone.
[105] And once your tone changes, kids start to shut down.
[106] So let's just try changing your tone.
[107] Fake it a little bit.
[108] Be positive, upbeat, non -frustrated tone.
[109] Give some energy to your voice.
[110] Now let's do this one.
[111] Roll with me on this.
[112] I want you to try this.
[113] And I already know your objections to it, but I'm going to tell you to do it anyway.
[114] what if you did the dishes with her while you asked her about some things that she's curious about?
[115] You take an interest in something she's interested in while you're doing the dishes with her.
[116] Yes, I know she needs to learn how to listen and follow directions and do chores and do things that you don't want to do because life's filled with things you don't want to do.
[117] I know all those things.
[118] But then again, the instruction you're giving her of doing the dishes is arbitrary, and it's not working.
[119] So I'm curious about her response if you did it this way.
[120] And then here's one more.
[121] Change the timeline.
[122] See, saying, hey, you need to get this done in the next hour.
[123] Time isn't compressed enough.
[124] See, a lot of neurotypical people, type A people maybe, or compliant people would say, well, I'm just going to go ahead and get my chores done by 807 because then it's done and I can move on.
[125] And that's a very, very small.
[126] But there are other people, like me, who think, I've got an hour.
[127] That's a long way away.
[128] What else can I do in between that time and then procrastinate and then end up frustrated because you didn't get it done?
[129] So you could change the timeline to having it be done in the next seven minutes or 17 minutes.
[130] Or you could have a new tradition in your home, which at 8 o 'clock or 807 make it interesting.
[131] you play three songs that your kids really like, and everybody does a different chore while those songs are playing and you're dancing a little bit and you're singing a little bit.
[132] Or you can switch it up and play some really intense music like Metallica and mess with that homeschool vibe.
[133] Okay, question number two.
[134] I will tell my son, Jacob, I need you to play in the living room, but get out of the kitchen, stay out of the kitchen while I make dinner.
[135] He then proceeds to come up with every reason in the world why he needs to come into the kitchen or he'll just continue to cross the boundary of the kitchen.
[136] It reminds me of those of you who have kids who you will say like, hey, no feet on the sofa and they will hold their foot a hundredth of a centimeter off.
[137] the sofa and then tap it with their heel and then argue with you that you said foot but you didn't specifically say heel right because that's what they do so here's my answer i want you to try this i know again it's it's maybe a little bit odd but next time you do this and your son comes back in the kitchen smile and say something like this you know what so glad you came back in i missed you and then turn and begin cooking again, or engage him and say, you know what, I'm glad you came back in because here's what I wanted to ask you.
[138] And let's see what he does after that.
[139] Again, I know you let him break your rules, but I'm curious what his response is and what yours ultimately is because, watch, there's a whole dynamic.
[140] I'm not blaming, I don't do blaming guilt.
[141] I'm not because he can't follow directions, he's going to be unsuccessful in life, even though he's seven, and that's causing him doing.
[142] I'm not saying that, but I am kind of saying that.
[143] Sometimes we do that, right?
[144] We feed some of these things, and it's like those kids, they're strong -willed, but sometimes we're really strong -willed, and it's like we feel like we have to win.
[145] It's not about winning.
[146] It's about building a relationship and teaching your kids and learning how their brains work, And some of us dig in so much.
[147] We almost create that dynamic.
[148] Again, I'm not saying you're doing that because you're not.
[149] You're just saying like, hey, stay in the living room because I'm cooking.
[150] I need my time alone in here.
[151] And I'm great with that.
[152] But let's play along with this and just see what happens.
[153] Do the opposite of what you normally would do.
[154] And let's see what his response is and see if for some reason he looks up at you, smiles, and then turns around and goes back out.
[155] See, because sometimes kids are looking for a connection.
[156] They need the intensity and when we feed that, it's enough and then they leave.
[157] Just try.
[158] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface.
[159] And it's the same with acne.
[160] Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see.
[161] It's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[162] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[163] Whether your child is just starting to get breakouts or or has been struggling with them for years.
[164] Phyla is the safe, effective, side effect -free, and natural product that can help.
[165] Phyla is like a spa treatment for your skin.
[166] Gentle, no irritation, no dryness, and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene.
[167] It's safe for kids of all ages and dermatologist approved.
[168] Don't settle for temporary fixes.
[169] Tackle acne's root causes.
[170] Get 25 % off your first order of fire with the code calm.
[171] Go to phila .com and type in the code calm.
[172] That's p -h -y -l -a -com and use code calm.
[173] Question number three.
[174] We have a daughter who's 10.
[175] She's got scoliosis.
[176] We've made really good progress.
[177] But she will have to wear a brace 21 hours a day for the next several years.
[178] She's a really active kid, but she ends up playing the blame game.
[179] You're so mean.
[180] You're ruining my life.
[181] This brace ruins my life.
[182] Everything sucks because I have to wear this brace.
[183] Don't get mad at me. The parent used that word.
[184] Some of you are sensitive to that.
[185] She brings up the same arguments all the time, so I clearly haven't found a way to help the situation.
[186] So here's what I want you to try the next time.
[187] Completely agree with her.
[188] Because the truth is, it is unfair.
[189] It does, sorry for the word, it does suck.
[190] It's really uncomfortable.
[191] It looks stupid.
[192] It's ruining her day.
[193] Whatever she says.
[194] Agree with and validate her because her feelings are correct.
[195] I don't want to wear a back brace one hour a day, let alone 21 hours a day for the next several years.
[196] So stop.
[197] This isn't for you, Mom and Dad.
[198] But for all, all of us.
[199] Stop trying to convince our kids otherwise.
[200] Oh, honey, it's not a big deal, right?
[201] It'll be okay.
[202] You'll get used to it.
[203] No, I'm not going to get used to it.
[204] It's really uncomfortable.
[205] And I'm a kid, and I'm concerned with how I look, and now my clothes probably look funny, and I can't wear certain clothes because I have to wear a stupid back priest at school.
[206] And maybe I get made fun of a little bit.
[207] I don't know if that's happening.
[208] But stop trying to convince you, or we try to convince it.
[209] Well, honey, you know, it's really important because, well, I know it's important.
[210] Okay, it's important for her health, but we're talking about a kid.
[211] They're not thinking three or five or 30 years in the future because they're invincible.
[212] They're thinking about right now.
[213] So I encourage all of us.
[214] Stop trying to convince your kids because, see, it's her arguing that makes you uncomfortable and you're like, well, I haven't found a good answer.
[215] There is no good answer.
[216] It's a really bad situation.
[217] Right.
[218] So I, would rather respond with, you know what, if I were you, I hate wearing that stupid thing all the time too.
[219] In fact, I admire you when you do wear it.
[220] It's one of my favorite qualities about you, honey.
[221] You can push through when you want.
[222] I love that strong will because other kids, they give up, but you don't.
[223] You push through, and I admire that spunk.
[224] I admire that spirit.
[225] see that that's affirming her in a good way and it's also validating yeah this stinks right and then maybe you drop it and just see what she does now here's another idea maybe since she has to wear something really uncomfortable for her health remember and we're trying to convince her that it's really important well maybe you and your husband agree to do something you don't want to do every day for your health, like a certain number of pushups or sit -ups or changing your diet.
[226] So she's not alone in this.
[227] And you are modeling, yes, we sacrifice in the short term for health and gains in the long term.
[228] See, she will see you doing something you don't like that ultimately helps you become more healthy.
[229] See, maybe, and maybe this, maybe since she's active, you allow her to design your new workout routine so she can make you uncomfortable right and then you can say with a grimace and a smile you're mean you're ruining my life this exercise is so hard see you can turn that into something where you're bonding and everybody in the family is doing something uncomfortable maybe one of the uncomfortable things is learning how to stop lecturing or yelling and breaking generational patterns right your message to her is that this will help her in the long run but she's a kid so she doesn't care about that.
[230] So do something that helps you in the long run, like exercising, eating something healthy.
[231] I really like that idea, actually, a lot.
[232] Question number four.
[233] So this family has a strong -will teenager, and they've struggled to motivate the child for years.
[234] It's one thing after another with poor grades, missing assignments, not going to the sports practice, and that leads to losing screens.
[235] So one day the mom went for a walk with the dogs, and she texted me, and she said, hey, I left a note on the front door and said, hey, you can't do anything with your phone, with TV, with any screens, you can go outside to do workout, you can go to your practice, but the mom got a text from the siblings saying, hey, he didn't go to practice and he's really angry.
[236] So mom texted me and said, what should I do when I get home?
[237] And I gave an answer that I rarely give.
[238] And it was this, mom, proceed with your evening and try, to enjoy it without trying to fix this situation, without trying to improve it, without addressing it because you've addressed some of these things literally hundreds of times.
[239] And the truth is your child has choices to make and they make them and they live with the consequences.
[240] And it's not up to you to explain over and over and over again and make your child do things.
[241] so this night just roll with this mom what do you want to do tonight do you want to read a favorite book do you want to watch a movie a video do you want to meet a friend for an hour do you want to work out what do you want to do and i don't know why that hit me in the moment but i figured it must be important.
[242] So don't revolve the entire night around once again trying to fix your child, fix the behavior, fix the situation, somehow motivate that child.
[243] Go enjoy your night.
[244] He doesn't have to go to the workouts, but if he doesn't, then his activities at home are limited.
[245] It's just the way that you roll.
[246] He can be angry all night, and that's his choice.
[247] But you're not responsible for changing your child and changing their mood when they make a choice.
[248] Again, this is not a situation in which the child is punching holes in the wall, getting violent, and hitting siblings.
[249] Right?
[250] That's different.
[251] So understand the context.
[252] But in this case, it's like, just go enjoy your night.
[253] Do something you want to do.
[254] Be happy.
[255] And here's why.
[256] Well, one reason is you just have to do that.
[257] because that's good for you and everything doesn't have to revolve around your child and you're not responsible for fixing everything because the truth is you haven't been able to do it in the past all the time and maybe when you go and get your workout or spend an hour 30 minutes with a friend having a cup of coffee or tea or a drink or just hanging out and laughing you get some clarity maybe when you come home from your walk or whatever you're doing maybe when you come home, you have clarity and you can see the situation and you're not tense and you're not on edge and you're not feeding into that child's thing and you can address them in an even matter of fact way and you can problem solve.
[258] Or maybe you don't do any of that and you just come home and you're happy and you had a good night and you're worthy of doing that.
[259] That is your right to do.
[260] Your life doesn't end when you have kids, right?
[261] There's a balance here.
[262] and maybe the whole goal of the night was you just sent the message that I do the right thing and I do some things that are important for me and that changed my mood and maybe you'll end up drawn your kids to you but that doesn't even matter because the end goal of it all could just be that you just had a really nice night with your friend and that's enough and you don't have to justify you don't moms especially especially moms because you do everything for everybody else.
[263] You don't have to justify doing something for yourself.
[264] You don't have to apologize for that.
[265] Just go do it.
[266] Right.
[267] Look, one quick thing.
[268] You're listening to a parenting podcast.
[269] You're not a selfish person, right?
[270] The people who are really bad parents don't listen to my podcast.
[271] I'm kidding.
[272] But they don't listen to a podcast.
[273] You're a conscientious person listening to a podcast.
[274] You engage me. You're paying me for phone consultations and to mentor you.
[275] What that tells me is you're engaged and you want more than anything else for your family, for things to work well and to help your child.
[276] So you're not a selfish person by nature.
[277] Right.
[278] So go do that thing for yourself.
[279] Question number five.
[280] So this is a family.
[281] They've got a teenage soul who's a teenage son who's like an old soul.
[282] He's very happy on a farm.
[283] Right.
[284] And so they're taking a family vacation to Disney.
[285] And so this mom, like all good moms, all good dads.
[286] It's like she wants him to come on family vacation because in my mind, that's what a family vacation is, a family being together.
[287] But she wrote and said, he can make everybody miserable when he's not interested.
[288] So he doesn't want to go to Disney and we have the option of having him stay on the farm with my sister.
[289] Or we can force him to go along despite knowing he will suck the magic right out of, right out of the magic kingdom, right?
[290] and it hurts my heart to not have him with us.
[291] Can you hear that?
[292] You probably feel that as a mom, right?
[293] Now, dads, I'm not going to, I shouldn't say this, but it's large, dad will be like, yeah, let's just leave, please, can we just leave the kid at home?
[294] Right, but mom, it like hurts your heart, right?
[295] That's what I love about moms is you feel everything so deeply.
[296] It doesn't mean dads don't feel that too, but we don't.
[297] Right, but also, none of us want to endure the pain of taking, and I love, love this line, a 65 -year -old farmer in a 12 -year -old's body to Disney World.
[298] So my response was, trust your instincts, mom, they're good.
[299] Your son will be happy and content on the farm, while the rest of you are happy and content enjoying a peaceful vacation.
[300] Don't be afraid to do things differently and do what works for your family.
[301] Stop giving into all those other people who judge you.
[302] They don't live walking your shoes.
[303] They don't live with your family and your kids.
[304] Do what you know is right for your family.
[305] Look, we have this thing with our kids.
[306] We project our own stuff onto our kids, right?
[307] It's like, well, I think my son's really sad because here, or my daughter, because they don't have a lot of friends and I have a lot of friends and that makes me happy.
[308] Well, that makes you happy and that's really good for you.
[309] But there's some of us who don't want to have a lot of friends.
[310] See, I'd rather have a few.
[311] I'd rather have a few really good friends and have very deep friendships with a few people.
[312] But I don't want to have a lot of friendships.
[313] I like alone time.
[314] It really helps me. And so you could perhaps look at me and say, oh my gosh, you must be so sad not having all the friends I have.
[315] I'm like, nope, I'm really happy with that.
[316] Right.
[317] And so knowing that your child would be happy, it's perfect.
[318] That's what you want.
[319] Right?
[320] Train up a child in the way he should go.
[321] Not the way you want.
[322] want them to go, know your child.
[323] There's no need to force something just because that's what you're supposed to do.
[324] Enough of that.
[325] Get rid of all those people who are judging you.
[326] They're judgmental people and they don't know and they're not out for your own good.
[327] So just ignore all that noise.
[328] See, there are a lot of families who wish they could leave their child with a family member.
[329] So take advantage of this.
[330] Look, when you're gone, you can send messages and videos saying, hey, we miss you, we wish you, we're here, right?
[331] Here's what we're doing, right?
[332] But here's what I'd really do.
[333] Let's give your teenage son a job, a mission he can be responsible for while you're gone, a way for him to hold down the homestead while you're gone, almost like you need him to stay so he has a mission, right?
[334] I'd make him feel like he's doing you guys a favor, right?
[335] By staying back.
[336] so say things like we appreciate you looking after the home while we're gone now we don't have to hire a dog sit now we don't have to hire anybody to take care of the pets and the animals see because he loves that give him a mission so he doesn't feel left out but i'm telling you he's not going to feel left out he's going to be happy as a clam that he's there independent look independent taking care of the homestead he will love that right bringing him a couple gifts is a thank you have him his sisters make a big deal out of having such a grown -up big brother who is so independent and capable.
[337] Right?
[338] So look, we're always changing the narrative here.
[339] Well, we just have a child who's never happy and he makes everybody miserable.
[340] Well, sure, look, that's true.
[341] But here's what else you have.
[342] You have an independent young man who's very competent and very capable when given adult type jobs, and he's comfortable in that world.
[343] The great thing is you're raising him to be an adult.
[344] And he's already, look, he's found his path.
[345] He's found kind of what he wants to do, but we spend all this time trying to say, no, that's not what you're supposed to be doing.
[346] You're supposed to be doing kid stuff.
[347] He's bored with kid stuff.
[348] He doesn't want to do stupid kid stuff.
[349] He wants to do grown -up adult stuff.
[350] So feed that.
[351] Enjoy that.
[352] and go enjoy your vacation.
[353] Look, the mom replied back, and she said, I'm so relieved, right?
[354] It's validating to know it isn't insane to leave a child at home.
[355] And I'm like, not at all.
[356] And she said he'd absolutely love to be a help to the family and farm by staying home.
[357] And he's so responsible for all the animals.
[358] See what happens?
[359] You start to shift it from, well, he's not good at this too.
[360] The kid's responsible.
[361] He probably gets up early and does all these things without being told.
[362] guarantee you doesn't make his bed, but he takes care of all these living creatures on your farm.
[363] And she even said he wouldn't care less about having gifts brought home.
[364] He just love feeling important and needed.
[365] That's a beautiful thing.
[366] See, by shifting your mindset and your narrative, you just gave this kid a gift.
[367] Instead of forcing him to do something that he would hate and everybody's going to hate, which would further make him feel like I don't fit in.
[368] I'm the black sheep in the family.
[369] Nobody likes me because you're supposed to do that.
[370] Instead, you just built his confidence.
[371] And now he gets to be big man on the ranch and you come home and you're like, man, looks better.
[372] Wait, did you fix that?
[373] You did that?
[374] Man, we might need to do this more often, son.
[375] That would be awesome.
[376] So, thank you, thank you for the good questions.
[377] Thank you for being willing to try some things, to do some things.
[378] differently and look at it in a different way change that narrative about your child right work on yourself i'm not going to keep going on but i want you to work on yourself if we can help you with that reach out to casey celebrate calm dot com go on the website uh if you want a recommendation one i would get to get everything package because it's literally everything we have put together parents are always email like is that everything i'm like yes it's everything so i would call it to get everything package right or you can get to calm parenting package or no BS or dual phone consultations with me or reach out to Casey and ask us and we'll send you in the right direction either way we will help you because that's what we live to do love you all thank you for listening to the podcast thanks for sharing it with others and subscribing to it means a lot to us that you do that so hey we'll talk to you soon thanks again bye bye