16.5 Jessie Gaskell and Mike Sweeney

[0] Hi, my name is Jesse Gaskill.

[1] And my name is Mike Sweeney.

[2] And I feel hungry about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[3] I'm just hungry right now.

[4] Oh, I'm starving about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[5] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[6] We are going to be friends.

[7] Hey, Conan O 'Brien here, and welcome to a very special bonus episode of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[8] I'm being joined today by two of my terrific writers.

[9] They're all great, but these two are just a little bit better, which will make the other writers hate them.

[10] And that's why I did it.

[11] I'm talking about Jesse Gascoe and Mike Sweeney, and they have a special podcast that they're doing, which is called Inside Conan, a very important Hollywood podcast.

[12] And it's all about the inside workings, the sickness, the madness that goes into making the Conan show.

[13] It's a really wonderful idea.

[14] They're the perfect people to spill the beans.

[15] And, of course, assisting me as always is the trustee Matt Goreley.

[16] Hello, Matt.

[17] Hi, I love the way you're dressed today, by the way.

[18] Well, this is the medium for complimenting people's clothes.

[19] I'm sorry.

[20] Really good.

[21] Good job.

[22] I'm sorry.

[23] Really good job.

[24] It's like Commando Casual.

[25] You look amazing.

[26] What are you talking about?

[27] I'm just wearing sort of an RAF green sweater and I'm wearing a vest, sort of a down vest.

[28] See, we got it explained.

[29] Yeah.

[30] Also joining us is someone who gives the full 20 % every time she helps me Sona Moufessian.

[31] How are you, Sona?

[32] Why would you introduce me that way?

[33] Why would I want to be here?

[34] Because you are.

[35] If you say that I give twice.

[36] Sonna.

[37] Sona, people love you because you are a chill millennial.

[38] You're just a chill millennial.

[39] I'm chill.

[40] Yeah.

[41] But also.

[42] You are a bong totin.

[43] Oh my God.

[44] Surf riding.

[45] What?

[46] You know, taco chomping.

[47] You know, you just are.

[48] You have a good time.

[49] It's all.

[50] You hate me for that, though, right?

[51] I don't.

[52] I'm envious.

[53] Today you even said, you're happy.

[54] Stop being happy.

[55] What is that?

[56] like i am jealous you know that i'm jealous of you because you're happy all the time i'm i like it yeah i like life i'm sorry i don't know what i'm talking about there's nothing wrong with that didn't i sincerely tell you i was happy that you were happy today you don't ever tell me anything sincerely oh right yeah you know what i forgot who i was for a second i literally forgot who i was yeah i thought for a second i was i was the i was the father on a 1950s sitcom you're really bad at positive reinforcement i'm going to say that.

[57] Not interested in it.

[58] No. Doesn't interest me. Doesn't interest me. You call me 20 % or.

[59] How is that going to make me want to do any better in this job?

[60] Well, I actually notched you up to 20%.

[61] So I thought I was...

[62] Gorley, you know that I love Sona, don't you?

[63] Yes, thank you.

[64] What was that noise?

[65] Oh, sorry.

[66] Are you straining at stool?

[67] What are you doing over there?

[68] Are you all right?

[69] I'm doing okay.

[70] Hey, Gorley, I just love what you're doing today with your look.

[71] You imagine the rest, everybody.

[72] I'll send you a drawing through.

[73] through the mail.

[74] I'm going to quit on air, okay?

[75] Oh, please.

[76] Huh?

[77] And go back to Long Beach?

[78] You sold your house there.

[79] What?

[80] Wait, what is this?

[81] You told me that you sold your house in Long Beach.

[82] I don't forget a thing.

[83] When someone reveals...

[84] Actually, I told that to Julia, you were...

[85] East dropping.

[86] Yeah.

[87] I heard that you say that you sold your house at Long Beach, but you didn't finish what most people say is because I moved here and then got a house there.

[88] You didn't say that part, which makes me think you're wandering the beach, picking up cans.

[89] And then building a house and living in them at the end of the next.

[90] night.

[91] Anyway.

[92] You look great.

[93] Thank you.

[94] I feel good.

[95] You should.

[96] I'm wearing my, what did you call it?

[97] My commando casual, you look like Roger Moore and for your eyes only.

[98] You know when he climbs the mountain?

[99] Yes.

[100] I don't think you look like Roger Moore.

[101] Can I say something?

[102] Yeah.

[103] When Roger Moore, I want to get this off my chest.

[104] Okay.

[105] He stayed being Bond probably too long.

[106] He was 57 when he stopped.

[107] When he stopped, he was 57 and there's actually a scene in, I think in the last Bond movie and it might be viewed to a kill.

[108] It is.

[109] Which by the way, has the most awkward insert of the name into the dialogue that you've ever seen in any Bond movie.

[110] Most Bond movies, they call it Casino Royale, or they call it Thunderball, but they never say Thunderball.

[111] You don't have to.

[112] It's just the name of the movie.

[113] And if you do a kill...

[114] We can reenact it right now.

[115] Christopher Walken is in this Zeppelin that's going to destroy the world, and he's with Grace Jones, and someone says, they go over this mountain and they look at the city they're going to destroy, and someone says, what a great view.

[116] And Christopher Walken says, yes, a view to a kill.

[117] You're like, what?

[118] Yeah.

[119] What does that mean?

[120] Yeah.

[121] But the only reason I bring this up, and this is the beauty of the podcast format, as you can follow these wonderful gossamer threads I spin, is that he hung on too long, and I forget what the name of the last one he did was.

[122] View to a kill.

[123] Was it view to a kill?

[124] And in it, there's this sexy girl, and instead of having sex with her, she falls asleep, and he puts his jacket over her.

[125] Yeah, Tanya Roberts.

[126] Yeah, Tanya Roberts, and she, and he takes care of her the way an old woman would take, you know what I mean?

[127] You're like, what?

[128] James Bond became this guy who was like, well, not for me. I've had my fun.

[129] In earlier times, I'll put this jacket on her to warm her and hope a suitable bow with some amount of testosterone can come by and satisfy her.

[130] But in the meantime, I'll just go make some cookies in the next room.

[131] Do you know why that is on the set?

[132] They realized that he was literally older than Tanya Roberts' mother.

[133] And he felt bad about it.

[134] You can tell that they made a change.

[135] Go look at that scene, view to a kill, and watch Roger Moore's James Bond take what's supposed to be the sex interest, I think, and instead of moving on her, just she falls asleep and him just putting his jacket over her.

[136] They have sex in the end.

[137] They're showering in the end of the movie, and the robot comes in and spies on them.

[138] You're asking the right guy, I'm sure.

[139] I mean a robot spies on them.

[140] Well, I'm not the right guy about robots spying and showering, I mean about James.

[141] respond.

[142] Okay.

[143] Yeah.

[144] Well, anyway, that's probably why you were kicked out of Long Beach.

[145] Did they ask you to leave because you were looking at people in the shower?

[146] They did, yeah.

[147] Okay.

[148] Yeah.

[149] Great.

[150] You guys have really cool hip references.

[151] I just wanted to add that in there.

[152] There's the old sarcasm.

[153] All I'm saying is you said a lot of names that nobody knows.

[154] No, no one knows Chris Walken anymore?

[155] No, I mean like, you said Tanya Roberts.

[156] Wait, Grace Jones.

[157] Grace Jones is big in the clubs right now.

[158] Is she?

[159] Yeah, I don't think we've met, but my name's 1983?

[160] I just saw Grace Jones at the Hollywood Bowl.

[161] Oh, really?

[162] Yeah.

[163] Yeah.

[164] She was taking tickets.

[165] Oh, come on.

[166] Woo!

[167] Woo!

[168] Oh, we're going to get an email now.

[169] See, I knew about email.

[170] Oh, cool.

[171] Cool.

[172] I'm sorry.

[173] Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

[174] I should...

[175] No, no, no. You guys should talk more about movies that were made before most of our audience was born.

[176] And what was the movie that you were watching today at work?

[177] Come on.

[178] What was it?

[179] It's not...

[180] What was it?

[181] It's called She's Out of My League.

[182] I'm not saying it's...

[183] What year was it made?

[184] I think it was made in, like, early 2000s.

[185] Oh, you're on the cutting edge.

[186] Good for you, Sona.

[187] Oh, okay.

[188] Oh, okay.

[189] Good comeback.

[190] I have no comeback.

[191] I don't know.

[192] Do you know what Netflix is?

[193] Yes, I do.

[194] Okay, just checking.

[195] It's that thing that comes up on the screen that I haven't figured out yet.

[196] It drifts by and I get confused.

[197] I sometimes don't know which side to pick.

[198] You should always pick my side.

[199] Yeah, I think so.

[200] Yeah, we need an alliance.

[201] I know, but I'm sometimes afraid if I don't pick his side.

[202] What do you?

[203] You don't fear me. You don't think so?

[204] No. You're an imposing figure.

[205] Please, how am I imposing?

[206] I'm a gentle fellow with maybe the quickest mind anyone's ever seen.

[207] Oh, boy.

[208] This is when I don't fear you.

[209] I just put myself to sleep.

[210] Hey, should we do a podcast?

[211] Are we doing one now?

[212] I think we could.

[213] Is this the intro?

[214] Who's the guest?

[215] Who's the guest today?

[216] It's Mike Sweeney and Jesse Gaskell.

[217] Oh, that's right.

[218] I forgot.

[219] You're whipping this oxen so hard that sometimes I forget which trail we're going down.

[220] How could I forget?

[221] They're sitting right here.

[222] We're talking about Jesse Gaskell, Mike Sweeney, two writers on the show who've taken on this great new endeavor inside Conan where they are going to expose the deepest, darkest secrets about our show.

[223] And welcome, Jesse.

[224] Welcome Mike Sweeney.

[225] Thanks, Conan.

[226] Hi, Conan.

[227] Thanks for having us.

[228] Wow.

[229] In the building when we spend all day together at all ready.

[230] So, Jesse, Mike, I've been at this a long, long time.

[231] I think it's been three months.

[232] Three months?

[233] No, it's been three months.

[234] And I can't say I know anything about doing a podcast.

[235] Sona, do you think you really know how to do a podcast?

[236] I don't.

[237] Are you serious?

[238] Are you high?

[239] Are you high?

[240] I'm not.

[241] I swear I'm not.

[242] You always ask me that when I'm a little slow, and I'm not.

[243] And how many times am I right when I ask you?

[244] You've been right twice.

[245] Okay.

[246] Both professional situations.

[247] I have three times.

[248] But right now I'm fine.

[249] But yeah, this is podcasting.

[250] I don't really know.

[251] I think we need specific questions.

[252] I'm very glad that you guys, I've worked with you both for such a long time.

[253] You've done all the travel shows with me. We're all very close.

[254] I think we can all finish each other sentences and probably will to an annoying degree.

[255] And I think you guys can probably explain how the show works very well.

[256] So I think this is a good idea for a podcast.

[257] Are you guys excited?

[258] Mike, you excited?

[259] Very excited.

[260] It's helping me. It's going to help me stave off dementia.

[261] Okay.

[262] We need to get an insincerity filter for the microphone.

[263] And how about you, Jesse?

[264] Yeah.

[265] No, I mean, I think a lot of people ask me often about the show and the sort of inner workings and how the sausage gets made and so this I know that there's a market for this Oh listen to you Oh there's a market She's good Oh my God We'll sell some merch And international market Yeah Well I think Listen I'm not someone who worries about Is there a market or is there a profit I see the canvas and I paint Oh my God Whatever happens happens Do you have any specific questions about podcasting Maybe I can help you.

[266] I'd like to think that I have some knowledge or at least good instincts.

[267] Yeah, you do.

[268] You have some instincts.

[269] You're doing really well, Sonob.

[270] I have nothing.

[271] Do you want a cup of coffee or something?

[272] Well, yeah.

[273] We have basic questions.

[274] I mean, I was wondering how, you know, how long do you record for?

[275] Because the episodes are about an hour, and I assume you maybe record for 12 hours to get it, edit it down to that?

[276] Oh, God, no. No, no, no. We, I don't think we, I mean, Matt Goreley.

[277] our producer extraordinaire can weigh in, but we don't edit that much.

[278] Well, sorry.

[279] I know our ad reads are out of control.

[280] No, no, I'm not talking about the ad reads.

[281] I'm talking about the interviews.

[282] Oh, yeah.

[283] The interviews.

[284] What I'm saying is I don't think the interviews are drastically cut.

[285] I don't like interviews that go on too long.

[286] And I have been on podcasts where they're interviewing me and it becomes clear, huh, there's no, we're not throwing a commercial, there's no end here.

[287] And they, I just keep getting asked, what else, what else, what else?

[288] And then you realize it's been two hours and there's no end to it.

[289] I always like to know the dimensions of the pool I'm jumping into.

[290] So I like there to be a specific amount of time.

[291] I don't believe in blathering on for six hours to get one hour.

[292] Great.

[293] Well, then we're done here.

[294] Yeah.

[295] We've gone way over.

[296] With that said, our ad reads, though, do need a lot of editing.

[297] We can ramble and ramble.

[298] Well, I tend to ramble and go down wormholes.

[299] I've been at the ad reads, and I've been at the ad reads, and I love the rambling.

[300] Can that get released separately somehow?

[301] I know.

[302] I think we get a lot of the rambling in there, too.

[303] Yeah, yeah.

[304] I think we try to capture just how sick I've become.

[305] Through ad reads.

[306] Through ad reads.

[307] It's kind of, if you can imagine that Caligula, the ancient Roman emperor occasionally had to read an ad, I want that to be with the ad sound like, a power mad, delusional, yeah, with a, he's made his horse a senator, he's nude, he's played by Malcolm McDowell, he's absolutely crazy, but he has to read, you know, an ad for the mattress company that I love.

[308] Do you think, I have a question for you guys.

[309] There is a little element of trust when we do the show.

[310] You know, you can show them somewhat how the sausage is made.

[311] How honest are you going to be?

[312] And I'm serious here.

[313] Yeah.

[314] Well, and I mean, that was also something I think we wanted to discuss with you was whether there's anything that's off limits.

[315] Right.

[316] At this point, we have been, we've been conducting interviews with staff, some people in this room.

[317] And, you know, we want to get some of the inner, office dramas and I want to know what happens if we're sued.

[318] Are we indemnified by Earwolf and T. Cocoa.

[319] I should point out that Mike Sweeney, in addition to being, he was the head writer for a very long time.

[320] Now he produces all the travel shows, which you can see on Netflix.

[321] Please check him out there.

[322] Mike Sweeney, before that, was a lawyer.

[323] And he always manages to work his legal knowledge into his comedy pitches.

[324] It comes out a lot.

[325] All I said is we're going to get sued.

[326] He uses, he works the word indemnify into a lot of jokes.

[327] Well, who would be suing you?

[328] I wouldn't sue you.

[329] Well, we're talking about limits and how far we can go.

[330] And that is a good question.

[331] A lot of stories we like to tell around the office that.

[332] Oh, there's plenty of things in the writer's room that we could never, ever, ever, ever.

[333] No, we couldn't.

[334] Really the funniest thing.

[335] Well, I think that's the whole point of this podcast.

[336] We shouldn't say that.

[337] you should get those on the air.

[338] And I think some of those things should be said.

[339] And I think that is a reason for people to listen.

[340] And I think the more sorted, the more dehumanizing, the more potentially destructive to my career and to the show in general, the better this podcast is going to be.

[341] If you want listeners, you have to deliver the goods.

[342] Stories about Caligula.

[343] Yeah, Caligula slash Conan, the mad host, who's gone off the first.

[344] rails and uh it needs to be taken down yeah there's also good office stuff that goes on here just there's fantastic dynamics yeah that i think it's very relatable uh no matter where you work yeah there's a lot of upstairs downstairs stuff uh the second floor uh lording their nice snacks snacks, yeah.

[345] The third floor.

[346] Wait, who has the nice snacks?

[347] Second floor, we do.

[348] Wait, I never, shockingly.

[349] First of all, my office is on the second floor because, you know, that's where I can best be protected.

[350] I'm like, you know, the President of the United States has to be protected.

[351] But.

[352] So you're on the second floor?

[353] I'm sorry.

[354] Wait, what?

[355] No, no. What I'm saying is follow me here.

[356] And someone's going to untangle this in editing.

[357] and good luck to you.

[358] What snacks are coming in?

[359] Because I don't ever get any snacks on the second floor.

[360] Are there snacks coming on this?

[361] There's great snacks.

[362] We have a lot of great snacks.

[363] I thought the snacks were for you.

[364] I know, but I don't get them.

[365] I think that's what people on the second floor say in order to get said fantastic snacks.

[366] Let me cut through the fog for just a second here.

[367] What happens is I make a joke on the air, often an ad lib and I just mention Doritos.

[368] And the next thing you know, we get, the next day, nine men come in, and they're each carrying eight boxes of the newest Dorito flavor.

[369] Never released.

[370] Yes, it's never been released.

[371] Thanking me for mentioning them, which I did inadvertently, I never get those Doritos.

[372] All I see is everyone in the office suddenly has an orange face, but I don't get the Doritos.

[373] Well, did you even eat those Doritos?

[374] I mean, I don't think you usually eat things like that.

[375] I maintain the body.

[376] I have.

[377] No, I could not.

[378] Yeah.

[379] I see you just cleverly mentioned Doritos again on this podcast.

[380] It doesn't stop.

[381] We mentioned M &Ms and Twix.

[382] You should take requests.

[383] No, I do mention things.

[384] And every time something comes, we mentioned El Pollo Loco recently.

[385] And on Twitter, and it was just a joke, and a ton of El Pollo Loco came.

[386] Excellent food, by the way.

[387] Talk about.

[388] It's the best.

[389] Incredible best.

[390] But it's a very strange work environment because Because if I just say something, it shows up at the office the next day.

[391] Yeah.

[392] And trust me, I know what you're thinking.

[393] And I've tried it with Portia and I've tried it with the Escalade and I've tried it with various luxury cars.

[394] Cardi A bracelet.

[395] Yes, and it doesn't happen.

[396] Do they ever send you a token, like keychain?

[397] Absolutely nothing.

[398] If it's a high -end brand, I get nothing.

[399] But if I mention a sugary or carbby snack, boy do we get it and we get it fast.

[400] But it's amazing to see the people in our office jump on that as if they had never, they had no access to this relatively inexpensive food.

[401] Yes.

[402] And these are people who are, no, Sona, don't act like this is people here are indentured servants.

[403] No, they're not.

[404] But in our, in our defense, no one has really ever tried Pringles with Ridges before.

[405] And that's what they sent us.

[406] And it's delicious.

[407] There's a cheddar flavor?

[408] Yeah, there is.

[409] What does the ridge add to the flavor?

[410] I don't, it doesn't add much.

[411] really to the flavor at all.

[412] But I'm just saying I would never have been exposed to the Pringles with Ridge's world unless you brought it up in a monologue joke and then now I know what that's like in my life and I think that's cool.

[413] Mr. Gourley has something you say.

[414] Isn't a Pringles with Ritches just a ruffles?

[415] It is.

[416] Yeah, a Pringles...

[417] You're right.

[418] But it comes in the canister.

[419] You never know what we'll set Gourley off.

[420] Now we're not going to get any match.

[421] I just have to tell you that Matt Gourley, the producer, was 600 yards away.

[422] And he was looking at a sonogram of his child And he dropped it and came running over To intervene on the on the ridges controversy Yay tomorrow free sonograms at the office Thank you Conan It's going fantastic I like being on the second floor There is definitely a better snack situation there Yeah And we're on Jesse and I are on the third floor That's where all the writers are Yes And you know writers by nature can complain a bit so if there's one less bag of Doritos But sometimes there are Comedy writers Let's be honest Comedy writers Are the crankiest cranks Of all time Yes And and they always find In a lovable way A love them all We're all upper east side Jewish men In their 80s That's all of us Including the women You all have a little Old Jewish man inside you Who's not happy About the way things are going, and I should have been cut in on the ruffles.

[423] Oh, my God.

[424] Have you been down to two?

[425] Compared two to three.

[426] Yeah.

[427] People think life on the second floor is so much better than life on the third floor.

[428] Well, and we used to have the one benefit on the third floor of being kind of at a safe distance from your office.

[429] But then you recently...

[430] Wait, what's so bad about being near my office?

[431] Be honest.

[432] Jesse, what's wrong with being, with proximity to Conan?

[433] Well, you kick doors open and it's very startling.

[434] That's the way I open doors.

[435] You have a loud footstep that I hear you lumbering down the hall.

[436] And I'm a large man. I'm a six foot four.

[437] Small animal scurrying.

[438] It's nightmare.

[439] Yeah.

[440] It's awful.

[441] So it's like the police department opened a precinct.

[442] Right next to your house.

[443] Wow.

[444] You make fun of people and then you make them high five you after.

[445] My favorite thing to do in the office is mock someone and then get them to high five me after I mocked them.

[446] The ultimate humiliation.

[447] It's fantastic.

[448] To get someone.

[449] to high -five you after you've just sort of made a silly joke at their expense.

[450] Man, that's sweet.

[451] Well, but the point I was going to make is we were sort of cocooned away from your office on the second floor.

[452] And then recently, you opened a new office on the third floor right next to my office.

[453] Yeah, my office is like a subway, subway sandwich chain.

[454] You franchise.

[455] You just keep opening up.

[456] No, I opened an office upstairs because when I was about to go on tour, I wanted a really tiny office with no distractions where no one could find me where I could really lock in and work out my set for the tour.

[457] And then it stuck with me. So now I call it Ice Station Zebra.

[458] It's an obscure reference.

[459] I'm sure Matt Goreley knows what I'm talking about.

[460] But it's was Howard Hughes' favorite movie.

[461] He watched repeatedly later in life when he was saving his urine.

[462] With the shades drawn.

[463] With the shades drawn.

[464] And being attended to by Mormon acolytes.

[465] But that's neither here nor there.

[466] It kind of is here.

[467] I call it I Station Zebra and that's where I That's where I That's my getaway And so I go there Now do you hear me in there And it's just what do you hear?

[468] Oh you're next You're next door So you're next door to my office What do you hear?

[469] Well I mean I only hear when you're having meetings in there I hear people laughing I hear A sound of laughter means Conan's around Is that what you're saying?

[470] I hear a fist making contact with flesh I do hear that I do not That's me hitting my fist into the palm of my hand to make a point.

[471] I'm very declarative.

[472] Yeah.

[473] I'm silent.

[474] I hear you yelling out of the office for people to bring you things in the office.

[475] Doritos from two.

[476] Doritos from two.

[477] I'm stranded on three.

[478] What do you mean?

[479] You hear me yelling and demanding things we brought to me. I might ask for my lunch, but I think I do it in a polite way.

[480] I mean.

[481] I don't know if yelling can be polite.

[482] I grew up in a large family, one of six, Irish Catholic family.

[483] And one had to enunciate to be heard.

[484] And so sometimes I just shout out the door.

[485] Would you like me to alter that behavior, Jesse?

[486] Well, it's funny.

[487] I mean, it's honestly, it's never really been directed at me, so I'm fine with it.

[488] Oh.

[489] I love you having an office on the third floor.

[490] Yeah, now you're happy.

[491] I love it.

[492] Because I'm away from you.

[493] Yeah.

[494] You're like, I'm going to go to the third floor And I'm like, oh, okay.

[495] And then what do you do?

[496] And then what do you do, son?

[497] I am at the point now where I watch full feature -length films at my dad.

[498] Have you ever, put me on hold so you could keep watching a scene and achieve a show?

[499] No. Seriously?

[500] Are you on hold?

[501] Yeah.

[502] So you could continue watching, I just want to see the end of this great scene.

[503] No, but if you, if you're like, hey, if it's before the show and you're like, hey, can you bring down this thing to my dressing room?

[504] I will sometimes finish watching whatever I was watching and then take it down to you.

[505] There's no sense of urgency.

[506] Of course.

[507] But I'm, I could say no. Hey, Sona, remember the time you worked in the hospital and all those people died?

[508] Yeah, because that's the same thing.

[509] That's the same thing as you getting your phone.

[510] I think it is.

[511] I think it is.

[512] You think it's the same?

[513] I think that when I need a split pack, which is a little snack pack that has both I wanted to say it.

[514] I'm so glad you did.

[515] Almond butter and jelly.

[516] It is akin, it is akin to someone who's on dialysis needing a fresh treatment before they do.

[517] I think it's exactly the same thing.

[518] Are those the little things you're always sucking on?

[519] Yeah.

[520] Let's be clear.

[521] Those are a little energy boosts.

[522] Yeah, those little things I'm always sucking on.

[523] It's a peanut butter and jelly, but it's got almond butter instead of peanut butter.

[524] Like the thing you give to kids that has yogurt in it.

[525] It's just like that.

[526] It's like a snack you give a child.

[527] I have those around.

[528] They keep my energy up.

[529] But you don't mention those on the show.

[530] No. I don't want to know.

[531] It must be very inexpensive.

[532] As you know what, and you know what?

[533] You can finish a sentence for him.

[534] You remember what Gene Simmons told us from Kiss?

[535] No free rides.

[536] No free rides.

[537] We once asked him to mention one of the, this is the kind of stuff we can talk about on the show.

[538] We asked Gene Simmons once, and since when he was there, we asked him to do to just do a sketch.

[539] And all they had to do was mention one other.

[540] It was Richard Simmons.

[541] Well, yeah, he just had to mention another celebrity in it, and he would refuse to do it.

[542] And we said, why?

[543] And he said, no free rides.

[544] Like, I don't mention other people because that would be a free ride up my thing.

[545] Is this Richard Simmons or Jean -Simmons?

[546] No, Jean -Simmons refused to mention another celebrity.

[547] I kind of pressed him on it.

[548] I played dumb.

[549] I'm like, I'm sorry, no free rides, Mr. Simmons.

[550] And it goes, no free rides.

[551] These other people are welcome to mention me, as many times as they'd like.

[552] But why should I mention them and give them free publicity?

[553] Yes.

[554] It was absolutely amazing.

[555] It was as if a famous person punched him in the face and ran away and he told the police and they said, who did it?

[556] He would be like, I can't tell you.

[557] Why not?

[558] No free rides.

[559] But wait, we'll arrest him and then you can settle and you'll be paid for your hospital bills.

[560] I can't help you.

[561] No free rides.

[562] If I mentioned Willem Defoe, you know, I would give him free publicity.

[563] So in this scenario, Willem Defoe punched Gene Simmons.

[564] If I've done it myself, I would have...

[565] I'm on Willemdiffo's side.

[566] Guys, let me tell you something.

[567] This is the kind of stuff that people want to hear about.

[568] They want to hear this backstage intrigue.

[569] They occasionally want to hear about a celebrity who really can't come after us.

[570] I mean, Gene Simmons can't come after us.

[571] He lives in town.

[572] He lives in town.

[573] I see him.

[574] I play racquetball with him twice a week.

[575] And I often, I need a way to get there.

[576] And he says, no free rides.

[577] Sorry, that was pretty good.

[578] You did, you thought that was good.

[579] It was all worth the walk to get to that.

[580] That was great.

[581] Tell me some of the things you were thinking about discussing on this podcast of yours.

[582] I mean, well, we have a segment already called OffGOS, where people dish on the steamyest office gossip.

[583] Now, is this, you know, people who have maybe romantically hooked up without names, obviously?

[584] That's a separate segment.

[585] Oh, that's not that.

[586] Okay.

[587] No, but that's definitely fair game.

[588] But also, who's dishing on who?

[589] Have there been hookups?

[590] No one tells me that stuff.

[591] Oh, there have definitely been hookups.

[592] On our show?

[593] Of course.

[594] There have been babies.

[595] Well, I know people have been married and stuff like that, but I mean, I don't know.

[596] I try not to know about that stuff.

[597] I don't want to know.

[598] But you do kind of want to know, right?

[599] I guess, but I'd need a podcast to trade a minute.

[600] What about if they're sexy, do you want to know?

[601] What do you mean?

[602] If the two parties involved are sexy.

[603] Oh, attractive.

[604] Yeah, does that make it more interesting?

[605] No. I think people being together is just inherently beautiful.

[606] Oh, my God.

[607] Now I'm just thinking the way a lawyer would.

[608] Welcome to my side.

[609] Conan, thank you for all this, well, it wasn't a lot of advice on hosting a podcast, but there was, my main thing is how.

[610] I don't think I told you anything of use.

[611] No. Are there perks?

[612] Like, does Earwolf have a beach house that we can use or private jet?

[613] Is there a podcast union that we get to join?

[614] Right.

[615] I have seen a little, I'm going to be honest with you, I've seen little upside to the podcast business.

[616] It's enjoyable.

[617] It's really enjoyable.

[618] I love doing it.

[619] And it is a very intimate medium.

[620] I mean, I've had people come up to me and say, oh, I binged, listened to a bunch in a row.

[621] And they, I think.

[622] I think it is a way to get to people that's quite different from the TV world that we've been mining for, you know, 25 years.

[623] I know you haven't been with me that long, Jesse, but Mike, you've been with me for most of it.

[624] And it is a very different thing, and I actually kind of find that to be very cool, that things resonate at a different decibel, and I kind of like it.

[625] Yeah, it is more intimate, I think.

[626] I mean, I'm actually eager to learn about how some of the departments on our show work.

[627] Yes.

[628] Because I don't think I ever was fully trained.

[629] I've been here five years, and I don't think I ever went around and met everybody on the show.

[630] There are still people.

[631] I've not met everybody on the show.

[632] I just, at a certain point, you do it so long, people come, people go.

[633] And every now and then, I'll see someone and go, hi, it's nice to see you.

[634] And they'll say, I've been here nine years, you son of a bitch.

[635] That's why you call everybody chopper.

[636] I've met everyone.

[637] I'm going to say no rush, guys.

[638] Just pace yourself doing a nice job.

[639] I think this is going to go very well.

[640] I think you guys are going to make hundreds of dollars.

[641] I'm looking forward to it.

[642] They told us it was a brand new medium and we're getting in on the ground floor.

[643] Ten years late.

[644] And one last reminder, please subscribe to our podcast.

[645] Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast.

[646] It's out now.

[647] episode is out now.

[648] You can go there immediately.

[649] It's been out since Friday, but don't kick yourself for waiting this long.

[650] Mom.

[651] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[652] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[653] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[654] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[655] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[656] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[657] Got a question for Conan?

[658] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[659] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[660] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[661] This has been a Team Coco production.

[662] in association with Earwolf.