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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Murders in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hi.
[17] Hello and welcome to the mini episode of my favorite murder.
[18] your family friendly podcast short version slow cooking podcast that's not family friendly that is in no way well it's about families if you have a cool older aunt that that's family friendly she can be into it yeah and this is the episode where you guys send us your stories we just read them to you yeah make it real easy I'm sure you're thinking I wish I had a story to send it and you do because we've asked for everything so if you have a funny weird story yeah there's pretty much anything just think of the story that you tell if you are sitting in say a meeting and they go go over on the table and say the most interesting thing about yourself you know you can pull something out of that and then if you tell it and the whole room is quiet and no one talks to you again we want to hear that's our story that's the one we want to hear that's what you owe to us you know what send us the stories of the time you told a really awkward weird story that you shouldn't have told tell us that story and the time you told it uncomfortably please great right um new topic all right you want to go first oh you want me to always this is a nice subject line that gets us right in dude pulled a sword i love it um karen georgia stephen at all i live in the boulder here's at all this is at all oh you haven't met at all he's my um stylist oh yeah he did my hair like this uh it's a good visual joke but bad for podcasts i live in the boulder area a few months ago, I got this text from my roommate telling me not to come home until he says everything's okay.
[19] Uh, chill.
[20] Uh -huh.
[21] I, with my paranoia brain, thought something horrible had happened in our apartment.
[22] My dog got hurt.
[23] My roommate murdered someone and had to clean up the blood.
[24] Etcetera.
[25] So I text back, freaking to, freak to shit, asking what happened and if everyone's okay, he responds that he and Sam, the dog, were fine, but that our neighbor was having a standoff with the police, who had their guns out.
[26] With my paranoia brain at full force, I now assume that my roommate is messing with me to prove the situation he takes a picture of six cop cars and cops with their guns out of their holsters.
[27] I am freaked out entirely and called to get the scoop, which is as follows.
[28] My roommate is sitting on our couch and hears pounding on the door.
[29] Assuming it is ours, he looks to the people and then realizes that a man is pounding on the door across the way.
[30] These apartments are direct access so the doors are all on the door.
[31] the outside and we look about eight feet across a deck to see our neighbor's door.
[32] I got it.
[33] I'm there.
[34] Visually I'm there.
[35] See, I'm there immediately.
[36] It's the wood bridge.
[37] What?
[38] I was going to name me. It's a vintage Woodbridge.
[39] The Woodbridge apartments in Sacramento is what I'm thinking.
[40] I'm from Woodbridge.
[41] The town I'm from is Woodbridge.
[42] It is?
[43] Karen.
[44] That's nuts.
[45] That's great.
[46] I. Listen to me. Okay.
[47] So he he sees a man knocking on the door.
[48] pounding.
[49] Our neighbor opens the door and they instantly starts screaming at each other with words such as, how could you do that to her and you still have blood on your shirt?
[50] Being yelled.
[51] Being yelled.
[52] Okay.
[53] Got it.
[54] Our neighbor, who's apparently a crafty liar, says, that is barbecue sauce, not blood.
[55] After a minute or two of this heated exchange, the man pushes our neighbor who retreats into his apartment and comes back with, not kidding, a samurai sword.
[56] What?
[57] He then takes a swing at the other man, cutting him across the fucking neck.
[58] Holy shit.
[59] This guy starts bleeding profusely and runs down the stairs and out of my roommate's line of sight, yelling that he was going to call the cops.
[60] Parentheses, sadly, I have no further information regarding the man with the cut neck.
[61] We'll hear.
[62] We'll hear.
[63] The sword wielder went back inside his apartment.
[64] My roommate was frozen by the door, unsure of what to do.
[65] And a couple minutes later, he hears sirens and all these cops show up.
[66] they then start knocking and yelling through my neighbor's door to throw the sword out and then come out with his hands up behind his head.
[67] This goes on over half an hour before our neighbor finally does, as they say.
[68] Just do it.
[69] Just do it.
[70] I can assume that my neighbor went to jail because he never came back.
[71] Yeah, I know.
[72] Or he just had to get away for a while.
[73] And about six weeks later, six weeks of us being freaked out living next to a dude who slices people's necks of swords, I saw that he had been evicted from the apartment and all this stuff was on our parking lot.
[74] Go through it.
[75] Sadly, the sword was not included in the items.
[76] We just moved into this apartment in August, and that is the fourth neighbor we've had, so I can only assume that the apartment is haunted, and it makes people do things like this.
[77] Stay sexy and don't cut someone's neck with a sword.
[78] Courtney.
[79] What was the cause of the blood on his shirt, I wonder?
[80] It sounds like that guy in the apartment did something to a woman.
[81] What and who?
[82] And that guy that got his neck cut confronted that guy.
[83] I know, but I want to know, like, what happened.
[84] Oh, right.
[85] Tell me. That's the, part two, she will drop next week.
[86] Okay.
[87] This one's called, teeth, teeth, teeth.
[88] All caps, exclamation marks.
[89] Literally, that's the subject line.
[90] Sweet.
[91] Hi, MFM fam.
[92] On Monday's minisot, Georgia said, When I think of the first scary thing that you would find in a box or fucked up thing, it's always just been loose teeth.
[93] Yeah, yeah, I stand by that.
[94] I knew I had to tell you about the best job I ever had.
[95] Working as a museum technician for a medical history library slash dental museum.
[96] Oh.
[97] Where I literally had stacks of human teeth from like a hundred years ago all over my desk.
[98] It was part of a medical school near where I went to college.
[99] And basically I spent about two years rummaging through all their old -timey medical stuff, doing research and cleaning out the centuries of gunk off of them.
[100] fun.
[101] I started listening to your podcast while I worked there and staring at a skull wearing dentures adds a little Genesee qua to hearing two cool gals talk about gruesome murders.
[102] So in no particular order, here's some of the wild shit about that job.
[103] Yes.
[104] 100 % love this.
[105] When they were building a new hospital building on the grounds near the library 10 or 15 years ago, they discovered that they were digging right on top of what used to be the city's Pottersfield, aka where prisoners or anyone else who couldn't afford proper burial gets buried.
[106] Oh, poppers.
[107] Isn't I call it poppers?
[108] Potters.
[109] Potters.
[110] Oh.
[111] Yeah.
[112] The city jail down the road that provided some of these bodies, including notorious high -ra robber -S.
[113] Lavinia Fisher, as well, is well known for being super haunted, and I've been on ghost tours there multiple times.
[114] Wow.
[115] God, I want to live in a place like that.
[116] Also, apparently, when they excavated some of these graves, A few people were, all caps, face down, meaning it's possible they were buried alive.
[117] Yikes.
[118] Oh, no. Didn't they bury people who were like super evil face down as in like you can't look up at heaven?
[119] Maybe.
[120] Someone tell us.
[121] So many things were...
[122] Maybe God himself.
[123] That'd be nice.
[124] Here's the next one.
[125] So many things were in the collection that just had no information on it in the system.
[126] I found a loose human jawbone and it boxed once with no idea.
[127] where it came from.
[128] One time I put, one time I put in the hours I worked wrong into the system.
[129] I put in the right number of hours, but for the wrong days, and my boss told me it was fine as long as I hadn't committed any crimes while I supposedly, well, supposedly at work, since they wouldn't be able to provide me with an alibi.
[130] It wasn't until after I walked away that I realized I had been holding a benzadrine inhaler, an anthedamine that people used to use for fun for the entire conversation.
[131] which is definitely super illegal to have if you're not part of a medical museum.
[132] Even then, we wouldn't be allowed to have it with the content still inside if the lid weren't sealed shut from rust.
[133] Basically, I was doing way more crimes at work than out of work.
[134] Someone stole an old Chinese IUD from a display case once.
[135] But, no. We have no idea who did it or why, since that was literally the least interesting thing in the exhibit.
[136] I hope to God they didn't use it.
[137] Oh, no. No. No, you can't just put that.
[138] in there yourself.
[139] No. Plan Parenthood, like, for your low -cost, you know, go there.
[140] It's not a, that's not a DIY situation.
[141] That's not an OB tampon situation.
[142] Shout out to Planned Parenthood.
[143] While I was working there, they were in the process of building a new children's hospital, which happened to be right on top of the former site of the city's tuberculosis sanitarium.
[144] Jesus.
[145] They're trying to build haunted houses.
[146] They really are.
[147] They're like, let's stirrups.
[148] It's like the city plan.
[149] That's all they got.
[150] Is the mayor Dracula?
[151] What's happening?
[152] If that spot isn't already super haunted, I'm sure sick and dying children is not going to help.
[153] Thanks so much for all the great work you do.
[154] And I can't wait to see you guys in Charleston in September for my 22nd birthday.
[155] Stay sexy and wash your hands well after handling body parts, Danny.
[156] Wow, so young, 22nd birthday.
[157] She's a little baby.
[158] Wow, that's good.
[159] Any, if you work at a museum and I don't want to steal from, the beautiful history channel television show mysteries at the museum oh i love him so much i love that guy he is so insanely earnest it's hilarious you know i know we've talked about this but you know him yeah uh don wildman yes because we like were had the same we were at like a dinner together when i was on cooking channel mm nicest man you've ever met your life yay the nicest friendliest earnest earnest oh what do you guys do oh that's so excited like so but he had like a worn leather jacket onto.
[160] Yeah, he always wears that leather jacket.
[161] He's so handsome.
[162] What's his deal?
[163] I don't know.
[164] He was great.
[165] I feel like that's the show.
[166] When we're on the road in America, that's the show that's always on when you come home from a show.
[167] Definitely.
[168] And then you're like, I want to learn about haunted sailboats or whatever.
[169] Yeah.
[170] I love mysteries at the museum.
[171] Totally good show.
[172] Don Wildman.
[173] John Wildman.
[174] Okay, sorry about that.
[175] Karen?
[176] Karen just finished a Diet Coke.
[177] She's got and a huge cup of coffee, so she's a little wired for sound.
[178] I'm a little bit wired up, and I might wut, wood, every once in a while.
[179] I will say this, too, somebody, because I talked about on the last weeks, no, two weeks ago episode of my fucking hooray was the season two of Marcella, Marcella, Marcella, and somebody wrote on Twitter wrote to me and said, what are you doing?
[180] You didn't even mention how beautiful Rav is, who's her, who's another detective in the department.
[181] and I can't I don't think I wrote back to her but I was about to write back to her saying I'm trying not to do that anymore just oh talk about men you find attractive and then the and then all the murderinos make fucking gifts about them and humiliate you and tag him tagged on wild and start hashtags and then I have to face their faces I look right into their fucking faces and be like hi I'm the thirstiest woman in podcasting it's pathetic it's pathetic it's pathetic Someday it'll get you Your second husband Is going to come from one of these Listen, we haven't met Paul Onions yet Maybe he's just as thirsty for you Poor Paul Onions, I guarantee he's not Okay, this subject line is Lured by Tanning Beds and Shopping Oh, don't do that Hi Ladies and Stephen So when I was about 14 And finally figuring out that maybe I was better than my quote, Just Do It shirts and basketball shorts.
[182] I entered what I like to call my Barbie phase.
[183] I love it.
[184] I spent most of my time at the mall and in a tanning bed, adventurous, I know.
[185] Oh, honey.
[186] So funny.
[187] This is what we do when we're teens.
[188] It's like you just want to go back and forth and try it all out.
[189] I did those.
[190] During this time, we had just moved into a new house and had an electrician over to help us with our shitty meter.
[191] He who shall not be named hit it off with my parents.
[192] and was over at the house almost two to three times a week.
[193] No. He was charismatic, younger, and very protective of me. She's 14.
[194] Some days he would pick me up from school.
[195] I don't like it.
[196] This is an electrician.
[197] Gain the trust of the parents.
[198] Hey, can you pick up our 14 -year -old daughter who's tanning and wearing tiny clothes?
[199] You're our electrician who's also a mere acquaintance.
[200] Yeah.
[201] Do you mind going to?
[202] We trust you now.
[203] Get our pre -teen daughter.
[204] Or our freshly -teened daughter.
[205] freshly teened okay so some days he'd pick me up from school picked me up from the tanning salon and even come to my shows i am a musician one day he had picked me up from some sort of event and he said he had to make a quick stop at his house and he wanted me to come in and show me something oh god i enter his house and it's immaculate probably because he didn't own much of anything then he directs me to the basement no and looking back now i have no idea why i wasn't freaking fucking freaking out my mother would be disappointed lulled you into fuck no your mom is at fault your mom he lulled you into a sense of security we're going to sue your mother his basement's pretty his basement's empty you know but i'm in i'm i wonder if they knew he was picking her up from school or if he was like rolling on by like hey what's up you just got out i'm right here like that kind of shit yeah sorry mom uh i mean we'll we'll deal with her later you could be you could be in the wrong mothers are usually wrong i'm usually yeah okay so his basement is empty except for all the goddamn swords on his walls and sitting pretty beneath them was you guessed it a tanning bed he bought one just for me so i could tan for free at his house explain my face right now georgia's georgia looks surprised in a 50s beer commercial style of like oh my god i would look more surprised if i hadn't had Botox for yeah it's but your eyes are nice and wide i'm really seeing that expression.
[206] The Botox lifts your brows a little bit and so you look a little more awake.
[207] There's lots of surprise all the time about nothing.
[208] That is fucking, that's your, that's a coffin.
[209] It looks like a coffin.
[210] You know, a tanning bed looks like a coffin.
[211] Getting a 14 year old to come to your house and tan and your basement.
[212] Yeah.
[213] And also a tanning bed costs, I don't know.
[214] I would guess at least as much as a car.
[215] 10 grand probably, I'd say.
[216] Yeah.
[217] Especially back then when they were all the rage.
[218] Right.
[219] Okay.
[220] Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
[221] Now I finally get my first red flag.
[222] That's when she sees a tanning bed in the basement under swords.
[223] Shit.
[224] And start to think something's not right.
[225] He gets a phone call.
[226] Apparently it's some man on the other line promising him money like some sort of loan.
[227] He finishes the call and says he's just received a loan for a few hundred thousand dollars and he's taking me on vacation.
[228] I love it when vacations are forced upon you.
[229] Here I am alone with this man who I've probably known for a few months.
[230] and he wants to take me on vacation.
[231] I ask if my boyfriend can go and he says no because we're leaving in the morning.
[232] And then he ticks me to the mall, tightly holding my arm and picks out lots of clothes for our tropical journey.
[233] Oh my God, my toes are squeak tight.
[234] This is insane.
[235] The whole time I'm scared shitless but really loving what he's picking out.
[236] Jesus Christ.
[237] 14.
[238] He drops me back at home and tells me to keep our little vacation as secret.
[239] Okay.
[240] I get up the next morning and my parents told me he called and would like to take me mini -golfing.
[241] I woke up with a sore throat and my parents declined.
[242] Thank you, Streptococcus.
[243] He still decides to take the trip and a week later we receive a call that he was found dead in his hotel room.
[244] Stephen, can I just say Stephen, who knows, he picked this story out so he knows it, is staring dead at me, just waiting for my response.
[245] Like, he knows what you're reading and he's just like Georgia's face.
[246] Get ready.
[247] Oh, my God.
[248] uh he's found dead found dead in his hotel room i still don't know his real intentions but i can guarantee you they weren't fucking kosher you think anyway stay smart all caps sexy and don't trust minimalist electricians with tanning beds next to their sword collection love a very much alive dakota update yes dakota because i need tell me okay i just realized i didn't mention how he died heart attack nothing fun but still dead body okay i wanted to know that but dakota please have you ever told your parents the story because I want to know how they reacted um yeah what I mean well yes they would I bet she didn't tell them until she was an adult oh by the way remember that time you were gonna let me go mini golfing yeah like tell remember when I made friends with the electrician and I bet her this is my mom would have said well you would have been fine like she wouldn't have taken any oh god I almost got my daughter killed no Janet also we got a guy to come paint our house once when I was a little kid and my mom ended up dating him for months but he was like the bet he wasn't a nightmare monster yeah he was like he my mom should have married him but he was poor so she wouldn't oh Janet I don't know what happened to Ammon but I almost had a good stepdad Ah manned okay hey this is exciting and all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th Steve Martin Martin Short and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.
[249] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[250] Who killed Saz?
[251] And were they really after Charles?
[252] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[253] This season, murder hits close to home.
[254] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[255] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[256] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[257] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[258] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[259] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[260] Goodbye.
[261] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[262] Absolutely.
[263] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[264] Exactly.
[265] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[266] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[267] That's right.
[268] Shopify is the sound of selling everything.
[269] Everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[270] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[271] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[272] So give your point of sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[273] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[274] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can't too.
[275] connect with customers in line and online do retail right with shopify sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify .com slash murder important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify dot com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that's shopify .com slash murder goodbye this is called the napkin eaters is this about supermodels no isn't that cotton balls tissues I think anything.
[276] Well, here we go.
[277] Maybe that's the answer.
[278] Dear Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and assorted pets.
[279] I'll just jump right into it because I'm pretty sure this has only ever happened to my friend and I, and it's fucking weird.
[280] This happened when my friend Devin and I were sophomores in college.
[281] We went to a dining hall pretty late on a Saturday night around 1130.
[282] And since it was a weekend and most people were out, we were the only two people there besides the workers.
[283] Since it was closing soon, all the chairs were put on the tables for the night besides the big, long table we were at.
[284] So we sat by ourselves.
[285] At the end of it.
[286] Soon after we sat down, a group of 10 to 15 kids came in, but they looked younger than us, like they might be in high school, which was strange because not only was it weird to see high schoolers on campus, but it was 1130 on a Saturday night, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[287] They sat at the same table as us, and we were only separated for them by a seat or two, and we kind of gave each other a look, but decided it wasn't that odd, because, like I said, the seats, the other tables would flip, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay.
[288] The girl at the head table, who looked like she might have been a bit older than the rest, passed out stacks of napkins to everyone.
[289] And I remember thinking, it was weird because none of them had any food.
[290] But I thought, stop being weird and analyzing these people and their napkins.
[291] Then, after passing out the stack of napkins, the lead girl said, Ready?
[292] With a complacent smile.
[293] And to our horror, all capped, the kids suddenly began rapidly shoving the napkins into their mouths.
[294] What?
[295] We literally did not know what to do, but they were sitting.
[296] all caps right next to us just shoving napkins into their mouths but they weren't even laughing or acknowledging how fucking weird they were being at all and that's what made it even more bewildering yes we looked at each other in complete shock but literal tears streaming down our faces from trying not to laugh got up and left because they didn't know what else to do we ran upstairs to our suite where we could see the dining hall from our window and they left soon after we did and it looked like they were marching in a line we tried to explain it to our sweetmates what had just had happened, but they looked at us like we were crazy.
[297] I even tried Googling rapid napkin eating to see if anything came up, but no dice.
[298] To this day, we still have no idea why those people did that or who they were, but let me tell you there is something oddly threatening about teenagers shoving napkins into their mouths, especially in such close proximity to you without warning.
[299] Stay sexy, don't get murdered, and watch out for napkin eaters, I guess, Hannah.
[300] Whoa.
[301] Someone email us.
[302] tell us what the fuck that was all about you know what the first thing it makes me think of is remember that cult the garbage eaters no yeah it's um they did this really amazing special on it i think on 60 minutes and it was like one guy it was this it was this really bizarre cult like dumpster i was yes so basically they would get college students they would recruit on college campuses so it was everybody was like in their early 20s and it was basically do you like the life you're leading, you know, do you think it matters?
[303] Do you think you're doing something important?
[304] And they would kind of break these super scholastic, intelligent students and who were searching for more, like really smart ones who were sick of the, what's the point of this schooling I'm doing?
[305] Exactly.
[306] Like, why am I working so hard?
[307] What am I?
[308] And then I'm just going to be a lawyer or whatever.
[309] And they would basically entirely cut themselves off from their family.
[310] The families were all chasing them around the country and they were going around the country and they would live in abandoned, they would squat in abandoned houses and there were girls in the cult.
[311] They weren't allowed to cut their hair.
[312] They all wore, they kind of looked Amishy, but like homeless Amish.
[313] And that's got to be a look in like fucking Williamsburg.
[314] Yeah.
[315] Yeah, that's true.
[316] And they would, it was the boys job to go out and like recruit all day.
[317] And then the girls had to, it was like very like old school where the girls stayed home, took care of the house, would collect, they'd all collect garbage, like dumpster diving, you know.
[318] Freiggins.
[319] Freakins out of the back of the grocery store, the rotten lettuce and shit.
[320] And, yeah, and basically read the Bible and prepare for the apocalypse.
[321] Shit.
[322] But really young, and they would, it was really crazy.
[323] It's such, it's, what was it called?
[324] I think they're called the Brethren or something like that.
[325] Someone tell us about them.
[326] And they might not be around anymore because their leader died.
[327] But I could be wrong.
[328] But it's really, really intense, like, young people's cult.
[329] And these family members, it's so challenging.
[330] It's almost smarter to recruit really the smart kids.
[331] Yes.
[332] And not just, like, dumb followers.
[333] It's just like.
[334] No, smart people are the most susceptible because they don't think they're susceptible.
[335] Oh, yeah.
[336] And they're the ones that, like, question and get in their heads about stuff.
[337] Or they've been so obsessed with school and grades and shit.
[338] But when a social click comes and, like, wants to recruit them and wows them, suddenly they're like, I haven't had this ever.
[339] Yep.
[340] Because you and I aren't that smart.
[341] We would never join a cult.
[342] We would never because we're dumb.
[343] One more for you?
[344] One more for me?
[345] Yes.
[346] And this one, it's actually, oops, sorry, now we're being thematic because this is also about a cult.
[347] Great.
[348] I almost joined a cult nexeme.
[349] That's how you pronounce it.
[350] Nexime.
[351] Oh, that's the branding one.
[352] That's right.
[353] So Nexime, might not sound familiar, but it's N -X -I -V -M.
[354] I didn't know that's how you said it.
[355] Yeah, I looked it up on a Wikipedia.
[356] Oh, I heard of that.
[357] So, okay.
[358] That's my cult.
[359] Wikipedia is my cult.
[360] Hi, Karen in Georgia.
[361] My town, a suburb of Albany, New York, and then it says in parentheses the capital.
[362] Learning something new every day.
[363] Think you fooling information.
[364] Is the proud incubator of societal infection, Nixim, and Patient Zero himself, Kenneth Reneer.
[365] The cult's headquarters are a two -minute drive from my house.
[366] Oh, shit.
[367] At a job fair I attended at my school, a liberal arts college, not far from my home, I was introduced to a company called The Knife of Aristotle.
[368] Sounds chill.
[369] Great.
[370] Which is a totally cult sounding, I know, but I was soon to be unemployed English major.
[371] And I just figured my fellow millennials were getting extra creative with their startups.
[372] The guy I met looked like any of my brother's Brooklynite neighbors, hipster chic, and then in parentheses, VOM.
[373] And harmless.
[374] He invited me to a meeting at another college to discuss a position at the company.
[375] You're like, great.
[376] Let's look at your dick first.
[377] Sorry, Jesus Christ.
[378] Just for, just to know the, just to know?
[379] No, like, he's cute.
[380] So she's sitting on him.
[381] Oh, I see.
[382] Should I get that out?
[383] No, I love it.
[384] Okay.
[385] Please.
[386] It's who you are.
[387] It's who you are.
[388] I'm a dick asker.
[389] Here at the knife of Aristotle, we support everyone, every way you are.
[390] Okay, so here's the red flag round up.
[391] Love it.
[392] There were only three of us college kids, all girls at this meeting, and two company employees, which the meeting took place in a small classroom.
[393] Here we are in the super informal setting, and this kind of mousy chick introduces this slick guy while he stands up.
[394] She literally introduced him to the three of us like he was the fucking keynote at a national conference.
[395] Sidebar, dude has three names, Jensen Eric Gould.
[396] They show us a super creepy culty video loaded with bias.
[397] This company's whole shtick is stripping the media of its bias.
[398] Naturally, I think it's like a test or a joke, but when I brought that up, they looked at me like I was the one with too much gel in my hair, fucking weirdos.
[399] the whole time this the woman lets this guy talk over her she stared up at him adoringly with her chin in her hand she was practically drooling I wrote it off as a personal thing thinking maybe they were together or maybe she was in love with him and he didn't give her the time of day you had to pay to be employed they offered an analyst training course that cost something absurd like $5 ,000 yeah right buddy I may have been a student at a rich ass school but my tuition was remitted dream on they offered frequently awarded scholarships though i was given an application by the end of this i honestly couldn't care less about the weird weird vibes because this would be a dream job work from home make bank and actually apply the close reading skills i'd perfected at school thankfully my aunt did about five minutes of vetting online when i told her about it cool aunt saved the day when I told her about it and figured out that this company is just a giant front for the nexeme cults what's more the publication that exposed this the times union was one i asked them about in the meeting and they said it's okay oh why do you ask and she put like nine a's also what laziness from the two colleges involved they apparently didn't know how to google things.
[400] Wow.
[401] The company proceeded to call me incessantly for the next three weeks before giving up.
[402] I would have ended up making the cut anyway for many reasons.
[403] I wouldn't have ended up making the cut anyway for many reasons, most notably because they apparently showed potential female members graphic film footage depicting rape and sexual abuse and those who had little to no reaction were advanced in the cult.
[404] What?
[405] And those who freaked out were next -seemed.
[406] See, I did there.
[407] That's what she wrote.
[408] I was going to share the story with my local news, but then I was like, nah, fuck it.
[409] I'll just rather, I'd rather tell Karen in Georgia.
[410] I'm also salty that all those times, I thought I saw some chick who looked like from Chloe from Smallville in my town.
[411] It was actually motherfucking Chloe from Smallville.
[412] Oh, that's right.
[413] Oh my God, I can't breathe.
[414] She's like one of the heads of that cult.
[415] Yeah.
[416] Thanks for being awesome.
[417] SSDGM, Natalie.
[418] Natalie.
[419] Natalie.
[420] Natalie, good looking out for yourself And this weird shit Like all of those red flags of like If it's all women but it's supposed to be recruiting for a job That's a problem I once when I was in a court I worked at a court reporting agency and I needed a new job There was this court reporting agency that was always hiring And I got their application And like one of the questions was like Are you okay with the teachings of El Ron Hubbard And blah da da da And I was like, I really fucking need a job.
[421] Like, I can just go work there and not join, right?
[422] But it was like, you know what?
[423] I don't want to find out.
[424] Yeah, because their whole goal is to make you join.
[425] So like any way you think you might be able to be strong about something, they've already thought it through and broken people down.
[426] I mean, good call to not test it.
[427] Yeah.
[428] Colts, man. This is called Rocky the Mortician Listen to My Heart Too.
[429] Oh.
[430] Do you remember Rocky more attention?
[431] Oh, yes, the heart.
[432] I didn't remember that their name was Rocky.
[433] So was it last week?
[434] Okay.
[435] Yeah, it was last Monday's miniser.
[436] Last Monday, if you remember it.
[437] So let's talk about this.
[438] Hello, Karen, George Stephen, and menagerie.
[439] I was sitting on the bus listening to the minisode when I heard something that transported me to the past, I have long tried to forget.
[440] In around 2009, 2010, I was working as a sex worker, and I placed an ad on Craigslist Personals, R -I -P, looking for fetish customers as this was better money than full -service sex and also not strictly illegal.
[441] Sometimes I ended up doing full service for fetish clients but sometimes I was lucky and they just wanted me to stamp on their balls or one time listen to my heart with a staphoscope.
[442] Oh shit.
[443] Girl.
[444] Yes, that's right, ladies.
[445] A man called Rocky contacted me and wanted me to come to his apartment and let him listen to my heart for $200 an hour.
[446] Looks like he hasn't put his prices up in years.
[447] What a tight wad.
[448] My boyfriend at the time drove me to his apartment and waited outside as he usually did when I worked.
[449] Rocky was short, middle age, and I remember that he had dark hair and was kind of balding.
[450] Nothing wrong with that.
[451] He wanted me to get undressed, but keep my underwear on and lie down on the bed as still as possible.
[452] I did this, and he began placing the stethoscope on different points of my body.
[453] Then he told me to try and breathe as shallowly and little as possible.
[454] I was pretty fucking creeped out, but I didn't get that.
[455] the feeling that he was particularly dangerous.
[456] He listened to my chest and torso with his stethoscope for a long time and was also lightly stroking my arms, which to be honest, felt pretty good.
[457] That would be nice.
[458] Yeah.
[459] After the time was up, he stopped.
[460] I got dressed, and he gave me a soda.
[461] He seemed quite lonely and was very polite.
[462] He told me that he had a young woman living with him who he was helping out, getting her back on her feet, etc. But they had recently gotten into an argument and she had moved out.
[463] Or did you get, no. I assume her part of the deal was the Sethoscope play, and now he had a look on Crave List to satisfy his weird kink.
[464] I didn't ask him what the deal with a playing dead thing was, as I didn't want to make him angry.
[465] Oh, God.
[466] Yeah.
[467] I didn't see him again because, although it was easy money, it was just too sinister.
[468] This all happened in New York.
[469] I'm not going to say where she says some other shit.
[470] And he didn't tell me he was a mortician.
[471] I'm pretty sure this was the same guy, though.
[472] how many Rockies with stethoscope that it shows can there be?
[473] I really hope that his kink hasn't escalated into something more dangerous and sinister.
[474] Yes, I do too.
[475] Another funny coincidence.
[476] I also now work in law, like the other Rocky girl.
[477] I got off drugs, went to law school, and I'm about to start work as a criminal attorney.
[478] Fuck yes, girl.
[479] Maybe Rocky had some kind of magic legal career touch, or maybe he was just a creep.
[480] Thank you, ladies, for always showing.
[481] sex workers respect and giving victims of voice no matter who they are.
[482] Hell yeah.
[483] Stay sexy and don't get murdered by a weird mortician.
[484] Love Lily.
[485] Lily.
[486] Wow.
[487] Oh my God.
[488] One day Rocky's going to email us and tell us everything about it.
[489] If someone knows about it.
[490] Yeah, look, listen, look, I'm really not a creep.
[491] I'm not a creep when I was eight.
[492] I had this loving doctor.
[493] There's going to be some story.
[494] It turns out that there also was a spell put on me that every woman I touched turns into a lawyer.
[495] Which is like the best.
[496] He's actually a Highlander.
[497] He's an ancient wizard.
[498] He's been around for a long time.
[499] I mean, if you have a fetish and you want, I mean, what the fuck?
[500] He paid them well.
[501] He didn't come on to them.
[502] He didn't harm anybody.
[503] He didn't threaten anybody.
[504] But I think it is telling that even though he was, didn't harm her and, you know, it wasn't bad.
[505] She still vibe wise was like, don't do that again.
[506] 100%.
[507] I think that's interesting and great.
[508] that she listened to herself.
[509] Don't go back.
[510] Yes, exactly.
[511] Go mash those balls instead.
[512] All right.
[513] Thanks for listening.
[514] Send us your stories.
[515] We wouldn't have a minisone without them.
[516] God.
[517] That stethoscope will live in my heart forever.
[518] There's like, yeah, there's, um, send them my favorite murder at g -mails where you send them.
[519] Please.
[520] And we want to hear anything weird about yourself.
[521] And, you know, think of a straight to the point, subject line, I think helps Stephen a lot, right?
[522] Yeah.
[523] Okay.
[524] and please stay sexy and don't get murdered goodbye Elvis what cookie yeah we should just glue a cookie to the microphone just notice to go right into this