Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card II

[0] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[1] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[2] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Rather, I'm joined by the Duchess of D -Town Duluth.

[5] Hi.

[6] Welcome.

[7] Welcome yourself.

[8] Do you want to update us now on the thing you thought you were putting in your trash?

[9] No. It's not there.

[10] Oh, my God.

[11] Okay, another Easter egg on top of an Easter egg.

[12] Yep.

[13] Well, guys, I've got exciting news for everyone.

[14] It is Wild Card Friday.

[15] Ooh, and it gets wild.

[16] We love Wild Card.

[17] It's an extra fun.

[18] We've got swords and jet skis and kayaking and whooping cough.

[19] Mm -hmm.

[20] Whooping cough.

[21] Don't give anything.

[22] You get so excited.

[23] You want to give it all away.

[24] I'm just going to call that story, whoopie cough.

[25] Okay.

[26] Okay.

[27] So whoopie cough.

[28] Great.

[29] Okay.

[30] Please enjoy this very tasty episode of Armchair Anonymous Wildcard.

[31] Oh, times, come and go.

[32] Good times.

[33] Take them slow.

[34] Hey, guys.

[35] Are we speaking with Mika?

[36] It's Micah.

[37] Micah.

[38] This is an update that has to happen right now.

[39] Do you know that there's an Emily Burger in Athens, Georgia now?

[40] No. Yeah, someone in my comment said, do you guys know there's a?

[41] Emily Burger in Athens now.

[42] Are we sure?

[43] We should check in, but...

[44] Micah, sorry that that was...

[45] So sorry.

[46] But, you know, better you know now anyways, I guess.

[47] Yeah, Emmy squared pizza.

[48] In Athens.

[49] I was just home.

[50] I could have had it.

[51] $199 Prince Avenue.

[52] Look at this.

[53] Where are you at?

[54] I'm in Fresno, California.

[55] Oh, yeah.

[56] Fresno, baby.

[57] That's from parenthood.

[58] Yeah, that's right.

[59] Yes, there's some characters from Fresno.

[60] Technically, Clovis, but, you know, Clovis people say they're from Clovis.

[61] Fresno people say it's all Fresno.

[62] Wow.

[63] Sure, sure, sure.

[64] Well, okay, so, Micah, you're now under our favorite heading, which is Wildcar.

[65] So, like, anything could happen right now.

[66] You could say you've murdered people.

[67] We don't know what's on the agenda.

[68] So please walk us through what happened.

[69] So this actually happened in maybe your future neck of the wood stacks, the natural area.

[70] So I was 10 years old at the time.

[71] So that's the 20 -year anniversary of this event this year.

[72] Oh, boy.

[73] I have an older brother who is three years older than me, so he was 13, and the younger sister, who is about a year and a half, so she was about nine.

[74] So we were just at our house.

[75] It was Christmas break.

[76] Me and my three siblings were all in the backyard.

[77] We had about a half acre maybe.

[78] There was a little stone structure kind of in the middle of the yard.

[79] My brother was standing there.

[80] I was about 20 yards behind him, and then my sister was kind of in the middle of the yard, facing the house she could see both of us.

[81] My brother was chopping at a tree with a sword.

[82] Okay.

[83] Uh -oh.

[84] Already not great.

[85] A 13 -year -old of the sword.

[86] Exactly.

[87] Yeah, I mean, it was the early 2000s.

[88] So he was chopping at this tree.

[89] The hilt on it had broken off.

[90] So he was just holding a sharp piece of metal, basically.

[91] Oh, my God.

[92] Okay.

[93] Pause.

[94] You know that that's called a hilt, which is interesting.

[95] I'm a history major.

[96] I got a history year in college.

[97] So I'm a little nerdy when I come to that.

[98] You know what a flying bootresses?

[99] I do, yeah.

[100] Okay, and we know what period those originated?

[101] You're going to beat me on that.

[102] Okay, all right, all right.

[103] Say it again.

[104] What's the piece?

[105] The hilt.

[106] The part that you hold.

[107] Okay, great.

[108] So there's no handle.

[109] He's just chopping at this tree.

[110] And all of a sudden, I feel the feeling.

[111] The way I describe it is, like, a log was thrown onto the back of my neck.

[112] So, like, it wasn't like a pain.

[113] Didn't really hurt.

[114] I just thought, you know, my brother's three years older than me. Maybe he was an asshole.

[115] Maybe he just, like, threw something at me. Yeah.

[116] And then I was wearing white tennis shoes.

[117] and I saw a drip of blood drop onto my left tennis shoe.

[118] And then I heard my brother scream, oh my gosh, Micah, I'm so sorry.

[119] Oh, oh, my God.

[120] Oh, my God.

[121] He runs over, and he kind of takes me around the house.

[122] We get inside.

[123] My mom is doing the dishes.

[124] And my brother's like, Mom, he's freaking out.

[125] And I'm just bleeding.

[126] My shirt is covered in blood, you know, my neck.

[127] And so my mom just, you know, she grabs a dish towel and just puts pressure on it.

[128] And it has no idea what's going on.

[129] You know, my brother's telling her, like, I cut Micah.

[130] Micah ran into my sword, mom.

[131] Yeah, exactly.

[132] I guess she probably had my brother hold the rag on my net to keep pressure because she just ran outside and just screamed for help.

[133] Oh, my God.

[134] I mean, it was early 2000s.

[135] People kind of had cell phones, kind of didn't.

[136] So it's not like she just had her iPhone right there and, like, hit 911.

[137] Not to sling any mud at mom because we love her to death, but there's a landline.

[138] No one needs to run outside.

[139] It's not the team.

[140] Yeah, she was panicked.

[141] Me and my sister gave her a hard time about that.

[142] That's what she said.

[143] She was like, I was just freaking out.

[144] I didn't know what to do.

[145] Sure, sure.

[146] And so my neighbor runs over.

[147] He just picks me up and he and my brother keep the pressure on my neck.

[148] They get me into our minivan.

[149] And my mom drives me over to the local hospital.

[150] Still kind of not knowing what happens and not really knowing what was going on.

[151] Yeah.

[152] My brother said this prayer while I was in the car.

[153] my mom told me that the night that he was just staring at me saying buddy don't fall asleep keep looking at me like he's just trying to keep me conscious yes my poor nine -year -old sisters in the back of the car just mortified oh you're probably crying trauma galore yeah yes it's probably like a four or five minute drive we lived in this little neighbor called Forest Crossing we come up to the ER she gets me in there and no one is taking this seriously at the ER because it's not like they had a prep of the ambulance called him, hey, we got this kid on the way, get ready.

[154] So we just walk in and I'm just bleeding out of my neck covered in blood.

[155] They get me stabilized.

[156] And then they transfer me up to Vandy, Vanderbilt Medical Hospital, which is in Nashville.

[157] I'm thrilled to learn that we're abbreviating Vanderbilt into Vandy.

[158] Yeah, Vandy's a thing.

[159] You knew that?

[160] Yeah.

[161] Okay.

[162] I'm from the South.

[163] Yeah, wow.

[164] You're hip.

[165] Okay.

[166] Vandy's new.

[167] Yeah, we said dogs.

[168] Us Yankees over here didn't know, Rob and I. Vandy.

[169] My dad was at work this whole time, and she was trying to call my dad, trying to, you know, let him know what's happening.

[170] He doesn't answer.

[171] So she just leaves a note on the table.

[172] Oh.

[173] And so my dad finally gets home, and there's just blood everywhere.

[174] You know, so he probably thought, like, my fucking family just got murdered.

[175] Yeah.

[176] Slain.

[177] But anyway, so we're at the hospital.

[178] The overnight is awful.

[179] They're waking me up all the time, you know, to do tests.

[180] But that sword, it's probably.

[181] three or four feet long.

[182] My brother, it had slipped out of the back of his hand, went over, and went into my neck, and back out like that.

[183] Wait.

[184] It went through your neck?

[185] Not through, just in it, and then back out.

[186] You know, like the momentum of the rotation.

[187] Oh, yes.

[188] It, like, pierced you and then came out.

[189] Rickshade off your neck.

[190] So it, like, actually stabbed you.

[191] Yeah, this is, like, the really crazy part.

[192] The sword went in horizontally.

[193] It should have cut my aorta, esophagus, spinal cord, all that.

[194] I have zero injuries from this.

[195] Wow.

[196] I left the hospital two days later.

[197] I am walking today.

[198] So lucky.

[199] The doctor described it to my dad that the sword went so deep that there was like a tiny little hole in the front of my neck.

[200] What?

[201] So it went in?

[202] You know, just like the little point of it.

[203] You know, like the only sharp part of the sword probably.

[204] And then so they like back sewed it through.

[205] It went that deep and you have zero injury.

[206] That is insane.

[207] Yeah.

[208] So my mom says she has an X -ray somewhere.

[209] I asked her to find it and I'll email it to you guys.

[210] Wow.

[211] X -ray.

[212] No wonder your mom just started screaming.

[213] Yes.

[214] Ran right out of the house.

[215] Wanted a new life.

[216] I'm going to leave this one behind.

[217] I'll figure it out when I get to the next block.

[218] Oh, wow.

[219] Boy.

[220] Oh, boy.

[221] Oh, my God.

[222] Your poor brother.

[223] Thank God you were okay.

[224] How long was he nice to you?

[225] Would it even last a whole week?

[226] it lasted a long time yeah oh good my brother's awesome we have a great relationship to this day you got some real leverage over him that day you know you're describing my worst fear because my kids are doing the same shit as you guys were doing in the backyard they're swinging on these robes they're swinging items around i look in the back of there's eight kids and someone's got some kind of a weapon they're swinging around like oh boy so the reason we got the swords was the church we were at they did kind of a christian bar mitzah kind of thing were they like knighted you yeah well okay So my dad got that Braveheart sword.

[227] Okay.

[228] Like a replica one to give to my brother as like a coming of age kind of gift or whatever.

[229] Yeah, yeah.

[230] And it came with two little swords.

[231] So 10 and 13, we got the swords.

[232] We would sword fight in the front yard.

[233] Oh.

[234] Sure.

[235] I didn't have a sword, but I wanted numchucks.

[236] And my mom said, no, I'm not buying those for you.

[237] And I said, well, if I make them, she says, well, if you can make them, that's impressive.

[238] And you can have them if you make them.

[239] So I went to the hardware store and I got a doll.

[240] and I cut it and I put in what you would hang a plant from the ceiling with those screws, right?

[241] Screwed those in the end, then I got some chain and then it made my own numchucks, but because I was just using these plant anchors, occasionally I'd be fucking Bruce laying it, whip it and it would just rip right out and then a piece of wood would just fly across the room like I put holes in walls.

[242] Oh my God.

[243] It's lucky Carly never got an errant num chuck anywhere in her person.

[244] Man, it was crazy.

[245] This is very cathartic because this is the first time anyone of my family has had a conversation about this.

[246] Really?

[247] No one went to therapy.

[248] We never really talked about it, really, until last night.

[249] Wow.

[250] No kidding.

[251] Yeah, but my brother wanted me to tell you, he has struggled with alcohol for about seven years, and he has been sober for about a year and a half.

[252] Fuck, yeah.

[253] Congratulations, brother.

[254] Well, we're rooting for him.

[255] We're rooting for him despite the fact that he almost severed your head.

[256] Decavitating.

[257] Right.

[258] The worst part about it, quite honestly, so it was right before Christmas, you know, I was opening presents and a little neck brace.

[259] You know, I'm walking around.

[260] you know, for a couple weeks afterwards.

[261] You know, me being the dumbass little 10 -year -old, peeing was the hardest part.

[262] I didn't think I can just sit down to pee.

[263] So you're just like kind of aiming.

[264] Pissing all over.

[265] And you can't look down.

[266] Oh, my goodness.

[267] Oh, my God.

[268] Well, Micah, it's great to meet you.

[269] And I'm really glad that you walked away without any major damage.

[270] That's hard to believe.

[271] It makes me think of these people who get a spike through their head.

[272] You read about these all the time.

[273] I know.

[274] That is sort of exactly what happened.

[275] Yeah.

[276] I watched his one terrible one that little kid was riding a bicycle on a country road and then crash the bike into one of those reapers.

[277] So it's like these three foot spikes off of this sled that drag on the ground landed on it and threw his head.

[278] He's stuck on it has to pull his own head off and zero damage.

[279] Zero damage to the brain.

[280] Wow.

[281] So my wife is the one that listens to y 'all show.

[282] She's a huge fan.

[283] Can I bring her in here for a second?

[284] Hello.

[285] How are you?

[286] I just wanted to tell you all hi.

[287] I wouldn't tell you this unless you were on your current parenthood journey, but I watched parenthood, like my senior year of high school, and I did not know that a job in someone's house or outside of a hospital with people with disabilities was a job.

[288] And I ended up getting my degree in that.

[289] Your real life, Gabby, the behavioral aid?

[290] I don't do it professionally anymore, but I went to school to be a recreation therapist, and then I worked with kids with disabilities for like five years after that.

[291] Oh, my God.

[292] Did you ever hook up with one of the uncles of the kids?

[293] causing them to break off their engagement.

[294] Unfortunately, no. I did not.

[295] I also did not meet any Crosby's.

[296] Well, it's so nice to meet both of you.

[297] It's really nice to meet you.

[298] All right.

[299] Take care.

[300] Thanks so much.

[301] Thank you.

[302] All right.

[303] Bye, guys.

[304] Hello.

[305] I like your show.

[306] Oh, my God.

[307] It says, let's go girls.

[308] Let's go girls.

[309] Deep, de, me, me, now.

[310] That's right.

[311] Shoulders back, ladies.

[312] Where are you calling us from?

[313] I'm calling you from Vancouver Island, Canada.

[314] Oh, we love our Canadians.

[315] Especially our Vancouver Island dwellers.

[316] Shanaya.

[317] And Shanaya and Pam Anderson.

[318] Yeah.

[319] Okay, you are responding to our very favorite prompt, which is Wildcard, because who knows?

[320] We have no idea what's coming our way.

[321] So please tell us what insanity happened.

[322] Every year, my boyfriend does these boat races up island.

[323] So I go along and we camp and he races his boats.

[324] And at the end of the weekend, a few of us all went out on the boats together.

[325] And we met up with friends of friends who had jet skis.

[326] And I said, I really want to go for a jet ski ride.

[327] So I hopped on the back of buddies jet ski.

[328] And we were ripping around and it was all good.

[329] And we stopped.

[330] And I was in a one piece swimsuit.

[331] My bathing suit rode right up.

[332] Okay.

[333] I at this point, stand up to just adjust my swimsuit because we had stopped.

[334] He turned and faced me. We're having a conversation.

[335] And out of nowhere, he hits the throttle.

[336] And I just gently pop off the back of the jet ski.

[337] Yep.

[338] Legs spayed.

[339] And at the same moment, the jet from the jet ski came up and hit me. What?

[340] In your asshole?

[341] Directly in the asshole.

[342] Oh, wait, wait, wait.

[343] Hold on, all that, all that, all that.

[344] Before you hit us with the punchline, let's just all really take that in.

[345] So you know, on a jet ski, Monica, it doesn't have a propeller.

[346] It has a propeller inside of a plastic.

[347] plastic tube.

[348] And when it spins, it has to let out a bunch of water that goes straight up off the back of the jet ski.

[349] So it has this like a fire hose little water exhaust.

[350] Got it.

[351] Yeah, spraying really hard straight up.

[352] So a very powerful enema.

[353] Okay.

[354] Let's just imagine.

[355] Supercharged jet ski.

[356] About 290 horsepower.

[357] Oh my God.

[358] And when I came up, I had no idea what had happen.

[359] I just felt like white blinding pain.

[360] I was like, oh my God, I've hit something.

[361] And they're like, what could you have possibly hit?

[362] And I was like, I don't know, but it hurts so bad.

[363] He's like, well, just get back up and I'll take you back to the boats.

[364] So I went and put my hands on the back of the jet ski.

[365] And as soon as I went to push myself up, I had no control over my bowels.

[366] All that water that shot up there.

[367] Everything came right out.

[368] I'm like, oh my God, I can't.

[369] I can't get up.

[370] It's hurting so bad.

[371] They start waving over the boats.

[372] No, no, no. We don't need boats.

[373] We need privacy.

[374] He would laugh and then I'd cry because I'm like shitting myself.

[375] Yeah, yes.

[376] But you're in water, right?

[377] Yeah.

[378] Yeah.

[379] And it was mostly water that was coming out as well.

[380] Right.

[381] Yeah, yeah.

[382] The boats get over to me and my boyfriend's cousin gets there first and he's kind of like holding the back of my life jacket.

[383] I was like, I keep shitting.

[384] And he's like, it's okay.

[385] It's just hardly any poo.

[386] Don't even worry about it.

[387] But my boyfriend finally gets over there.

[388] He grabs the back of my life jacket and just hauls me into the boat.

[389] Oh, careful.

[390] He's beelining it back to the shore.

[391] And we're camping there.

[392] So we finally get back to the docks.

[393] I'm like racing up to the washrooms.

[394] And I get in there.

[395] And I didn't even realize he was so close behind me. He basically kicks down the door behind me. And he's like, I need to see your asshole.

[396] Oh, my God.

[397] Is your boyfriend's name Dax?

[398] So do everyone see the water thing happen?

[399] Obviously, the guy driving the jet ski didn't see because he was like, why, you hit something, what?

[400] I think they kind of all started to realize after the fact what had happened there.

[401] You know what, visual I'm getting really quick.

[402] If anyone's been to a circus or a carnival and they have the games in back, you can throw rings on a jug.

[403] There's also one where you hold a water pistol and you try to get it in the little bull's eye so that it moves the boats across.

[404] And that's what that thing did.

[405] It perfectly bullseied your anus, which is incredible.

[406] Perfectly bullseye.

[407] So I'm like, I'm not showing you my asshole.

[408] I'm just not.

[409] I have no full well what that thing's going to look like right now and you're not seeing it.

[410] So he's like, well, you've got to show me the toilet paper.

[411] Oh, my God.

[412] So I show him the toilet paper and it is just sopping with blood.

[413] So he's like, get in the car.

[414] So we're now full speed to the hospital.

[415] He thinks I've ruptured my colon at this point.

[416] I'm not really sure what's going on other than like my asshole really hurts.

[417] Are you feeling any benefits?

[418] No. Okay.

[419] There's no upside.

[420] Something's bloody.

[421] You can imagine being scared and then going like, man, I do feel light.

[422] That could crush your mind.

[423] Yeah.

[424] Somebody did ask me. They're like, did it kind of feel good?

[425] And I was like, absolutely not.

[426] No. Was that guy's named Dax?

[427] There's so many Daxes in your life.

[428] Well, Canadians.

[429] We get to the hospital and I have to tell this story to the intake and I'm saying the story.

[430] I'm like, yeah, the jet from the jet ski went right up my ass.

[431] They're like, oh, yeah.

[432] Right.

[433] They're thinking you just had anal sex and you're embarrassed to admit it, right?

[434] They like sequester off my boyfriend.

[435] They're under the impression that I've been sexually assaulted.

[436] And he abused your heinie.

[437] Yeah.

[438] And it doesn't help that I'm crying.

[439] And they're like, we need to look at your butthole and I'm like, no. It's so bad.

[440] Wait really quick, the doctors in Canada don't say butthole, do they?

[441] They say anus?

[442] They definitely said anus.

[443] Tell us you're a Canadian doctor without telling us you're a Canadian doctor.

[444] Let me see your butthole.

[445] So I get examined.

[446] He's like, well, you're a little weak in the schincter, but I'm not sure if any more damage has been done.

[447] You go home and come back in the morning if you have any problems.

[448] So that night, I had a lot of problems.

[449] I had absolutely no control over my bowels, which there wasn't really a lot left at that point.

[450] Yeah.

[451] We were camping.

[452] We were away.

[453] So we go back in the morning.

[454] So I see another doctor, just like, again, I think your sphincter is a little weak.

[455] So I do want to send you to a general surgeon.

[456] So we now go see the general surgeon who is this kind of young, tatted up guy with board shorts on.

[457] Oh, my God.

[458] And he's like, I've heard the craziest stories as to what has happened to you.

[459] He said, I heard you were water skiing and the ski came off and went up here.

[460] Oh, wow.

[461] The game of telephone.

[462] I'm like, no, no, you know, I explained him.

[463] He was logical.

[464] So he's like, oh, I can totally see how that would happen.

[465] He's like, I am going to examine you, though.

[466] You need a chaperone in the room whenever.

[467] Someone's up your ass.

[468] I just said, you know, my boyfriend can stay and everybody's seen my ass well at this point.

[469] So what's the difference?

[470] So first, he explains to me, it's like a muscle.

[471] So imagine you have your arm and somebody pulls on it really hard.

[472] It's going to damage your bice.

[473] And that's probably what has happened to your anus.

[474] It's like one to two weeks, these things, they heal right up.

[475] These things usually, like what's he talking about?

[476] He's never seen anyone that had a jet ski up their asses, totally making this up.

[477] You know, in general, we typically, in this situation, see two to three weeks.

[478] Yeah, ballparking it, really.

[479] And he's like, okay, so now I'm going to spread your butt cheeks.

[480] Oh, my God.

[481] So he spreads my butt cheeks.

[482] And his first reaction is, oh, wow.

[483] Oh.

[484] That is not what you want to hear.

[485] And he's like, oh, it's okay.

[486] And I'm like, that did not sound okay.

[487] So he's like, I'm going to insert my finger.

[488] And now I want you to squeeze like you're holding in a fart.

[489] Oh.

[490] My boyfriend, he just starts cracking up.

[491] And then I start cracking up, at which point I'm like, you got to clear out back there.

[492] Because when I start laughing, I have no control.

[493] He's like, you're going to push, like you're pushing out a poo.

[494] Oh, my goodness.

[495] Sits me back up.

[496] And he goes, so these sorts of things, three or four weeks, they heal right up.

[497] I'm like, we just doubled the time here.

[498] And he goes, I don't know if anal sex is your thing.

[499] Oh, my goodness.

[500] He's like, I would probably avoid that for the next little while, not a problem.

[501] Was this exam done outside in the woods?

[502] I mean, this seems so unprofessional.

[503] Yeah, this board short and tattooed bro.

[504] Try to resist anal sex.

[505] I doubt you'll be able to resist.

[506] Everything just swelled right up.

[507] Oh.

[508] Couldn't go to the bathroom for days.

[509] I ended up essentially overdosing myself on laxatives trying to be able to go because it was just incredibly uncomfortable.

[510] Yeah.

[511] At one point, I'm like, I have got to see what this looks like.

[512] I haven't really looked at it yet myself.

[513] So I decided I'm going to bend over in front of the mirror and take a look.

[514] And it looks essentially like somebody's taking a sledgehammer to my butthole.

[515] Like just a perfect, perfect ring all the way up the cheeks.

[516] Oh, my God.

[517] Like a donut.

[518] You had a purple donut in your pants.

[519] Purple perfect donut there.

[520] Hit nothing else.

[521] It only hit directly on my butt hole.

[522] Wow.

[523] Are you still with this gentleman?

[524] Yep.

[525] Yeah, that's the kind of stuff you go through.

[526] and, you know, this is going to work.

[527] Yeah, it finds you.

[528] Yeah, it does.

[529] It's like the friendships forged in battle, you know.

[530] Loved me through my hard times.

[531] Yeah.

[532] And I assume your anus rebounded, everything's good.

[533] Yeah, it's all good.

[534] Are you done with jet skis?

[535] Pretty terrified to get back on another jet ski.

[536] I think if I was the operator, that would never have happened if I'd been operating it myself.

[537] This is a cautionary tale.

[538] For passengers, really.

[539] That's what I mean.

[540] Like, watch out for that little hose.

[541] You'll like this story.

[542] It's kind of similar.

[543] My mother in the 70s went to visit friends in Florida.

[544] They said, do you want to go water skiing?

[545] She said, yes.

[546] Turns out there was alligators in this lake that she saw while water skiing.

[547] Then she fell, but she would not let go of the rope because she was too afraid to be in the water with the alligators.

[548] She just drug from the rope and got an enema the same exact way, completely filled up with water in her bottom.

[549] Oh, my God.

[550] And then had a bathing suit evacuation as well.

[551] So you're in good company.

[552] I'm happy to be in the same company as Laura.

[553] With a water sports mix up.

[554] That is one of three of my boating accidents.

[555] So that's the craziest one, though.

[556] Okay.

[557] What a thing you went through, harrowing, heroin experience.

[558] Thanks for riding in, sharing your butt with us.

[559] Yes.

[560] Anytime.

[561] I feel like that's a story that would have, Aaron Weekly.

[562] Yeah, for sure.

[563] Yeah, it's an Aaron Weekly story.

[564] Well, Brittany, thank you so much for telling us.

[565] Thoughts and prayers for your anus.

[566] All right, take care.

[567] Nice meeting you.

[568] Take care.

[569] Wowsers, man. Oof, yikes, that hurt.

[570] It made me grateful for my anus.

[571] It made me scared for my anus.

[572] For your anus?

[573] Yeah.

[574] Yeah, I gave me a lot of gratitude that everything's pretty taught back there.

[575] Everything could be better always.

[576] I'm 48, but all things considered, pretty good.

[577] I don't have a donut.

[578] I don't currently have a donut.

[579] I have a big bruise.

[580] In your inner arm there?

[581] Do you see it?

[582] When I showered this morning It looked really big Oh, I see it Yeah, yeah, yeah That's interesting I don't know why Low iron No, is it because When I had blood drawn But it was here But why would it be a bruise there That doesn't make much sense Unless some of the blood Dripped out the vein And pooled below it I'll send you that doctor up in Canada I have him take a look at your anus So he'd urge you to lay off the anal sex For a couple hours That's interesting thing to say As a doctor Yeah I mean, maybe he felt like there was some medical liability if he didn't warn her about it.

[583] And then they went home and fanny blasted.

[584] But he could have done it in a way.

[585] It seems like you wouldn't need to warn someone not to butt fuck after that kind of injury.

[586] Well, I think you could just say nothing should be inserted in your anus for four weeks.

[587] Yeah, no tampons.

[588] Some people put tampons in it.

[589] I know, but you don't need to classify it.

[590] That's why you can just make it generalized.

[591] Okay.

[592] And nobody puts tampons up their butt.

[593] Someone did in our show.

[594] Oh, on accident.

[595] Yeah, she did.

[596] She came out walking funny.

[597] All right, here's Ashling.

[598] What?

[599] Aisling?

[600] I think it's Ashling.

[601] Ashling.

[602] Where's the age?

[603] I know someone that's got that first name.

[604] You know a lot of more interesting people than me. Hello, hello.

[605] Hello.

[606] You're going to have to help me with your name because we're having a debate already.

[607] Actually, don't tell us.

[608] Okay.

[609] Rob, go ahead.

[610] Ashling.

[611] I think.

[612] Iowling.

[613] What is it?

[614] Rob gets the points here.

[615] I'm not surprised.

[616] Ashling.

[617] Yep, it's Ashling.

[618] Someone once told me it's like, Ashley in verb form, if that helps.

[619] Oh, sure.

[620] That's not my issue that there's an I -N -G on Ashley.

[621] It's that there's no H. Yeah, really confusing Irish spelling.

[622] Yes.

[623] I bet that was hard growing up.

[624] Can you imagine all the teachers trying to...

[625] But that explains Sean, the Irish spelling of Sean, S -E -A -N.

[626] There you go.

[627] Yeah.

[628] Word's the H. True.

[629] Okay, so you have a wild card story, which is so exciting because it could be anything.

[630] We don't know.

[631] We have no clue.

[632] do.

[633] So the summer after I graduated from high school, myself and my dad and my uncle went on a trip to Ecuador.

[634] And we stayed at this cute little bed and breakfast that was run by an Ecuadorian man from the area who I'm going to give a fake name.

[635] So for the purposes of this story, I'm going to call him Larry.

[636] Okay, great.

[637] I was nervous you were going to go with a generic Latin name and I was going to be nervous.

[638] No, we're going with Larry.

[639] Okay.

[640] So Larry, the Ecuadorian in operator.

[641] Larry was like five foot two, super spunky, really fun -loving, and a nice guy.

[642] Can you give me an age range for Larry?

[643] 45 or 50 maybe?

[644] My age.

[645] Okay, great.

[646] Yeah.

[647] So he offered excursions for guests at the bed and breakfast who wanted to go with him.

[648] So me and my dad and my uncle decided to sign up with Larry to go white water rafting on the very first day of the trip.

[649] Was there any apprehension about trusting Larry to be?

[650] a white water rafting guide when he clearly was a hotelier.

[651] Hotelier.

[652] You know, he was from the area.

[653] So we were like, he knows the area.

[654] He knows what he's doing.

[655] All right.

[656] Okay.

[657] I was just curious if there was any debate about did these skills transfer?

[658] Not quite, although we should have been a little apprehensive.

[659] So that morning we wake up.

[660] We have breakfast with Larry.

[661] And then we gather up the equipment and we head to the river where we're going to be a white water rafting.

[662] So for context, the river is in a valley.

[663] So we have the river at the bottom of the valley.

[664] and then like a foot or two of rocky shore on either side of the water.

[665] And then from there, it just goes straight up into the rainforest.

[666] We're pretty near the Amazon.

[667] We get the equipment out of the van that we drove in, and we're going to be using two -person kayaks.

[668] So we need to decide who's going to be in which kayak.

[669] And I had the least whitewater rafting experience of all of us, which is pretty much zero whitewater rafting experience.

[670] So we decide that I'm going to be in the kayak with Larry and my dad and my uncle are going to be in the other kayak.

[671] I'm curious about this decision because I take my daughter to Ecuador.

[672] She's riding in my fucking kayak.

[673] There's no way she's getting in Larry's.

[674] He probably thought that.

[675] Larry was better than him.

[676] Yeah, Larry had more experience and knowledge.

[677] Had five, two?

[678] That's kind.

[679] That's so awful.

[680] Anyway, I get the choice.

[681] Okay, I just had to ruffle her feathers.

[682] Mission accomplished.

[683] please continue.

[684] Larry had reassured us that he had never fallen into the river before.

[685] So of all the white water rafting, he had ever done, he had never fallen in.

[686] Wow.

[687] So we're feeling like, okay, he seems to know what he's doing.

[688] So sure, Ashling is going to go in the kayak with him.

[689] And then my dad and my uncle in the other one, it had been raining all night the night before.

[690] So the water levels are really high.

[691] The waves are super strong.

[692] So I'm getting pretty nervous.

[693] But again, Larry just reminds me that he's never fallen in and we're going to be fine.

[694] We have a brief little safety lesson about what to do in a variety of dangerous situations.

[695] And then we just get on our life jackets and, you know, we get into the boats and we start down the river.

[696] Helmets?

[697] We did have helmets, I should say.

[698] Yeah.

[699] To their credit.

[700] Larry and I get through the first set of rapids without any issues.

[701] So I'm just like, okay, great.

[702] Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

[703] But unfortunately, that reassurance only lasted for about 30 seconds because we realized that my dad and my uncle were nowhere near us.

[704] So clearly they had not made it through the first set of rapids.

[705] So we're looking around.

[706] We're like, where did they go?

[707] And we see that way upstream, they had gotten caught in a whirlpool.

[708] So their boat was just going around and around and around in circles.

[709] Okay.

[710] So it's safe to say that dad and uncle aren't river folk themselves.

[711] So they were right to put you in the boat with Larry.

[712] Yeah, exactly.

[713] Larry tells me that he can get them out of the whirlpool.

[714] We just need to paddle back upstream to them so we can give their kayak a push.

[715] I hate water.

[716] I knew, Monica, that you would not like this story.

[717] This is rough.

[718] We paddle back upstream and we reach my dad and my uncle and we approach their kayak and Larry starts reaching out to give them a push.

[719] But of course, the entire time, they're spinning around in a circle.

[720] So as we approach them, they swing around one more time and their boat ends up colliding into our boat.

[721] Both kayaks flip.

[722] Oh, okay.

[723] Of course, they're in the middle of a set of rapids.

[724] So the boats just go flying down the river.

[725] They are gone.

[726] We have no more boats.

[727] Oh, immediately they're gone.

[728] We've all been there.

[729] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[730] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[731] but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[732] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[733] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[734] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[735] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[736] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[737] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[738] What's up, guys?

[739] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[740] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[741] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[742] And I don't mean just friends.

[743] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes.

[744] on.

[745] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[746] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[747] And you're in the whirlpool?

[748] Yeah, I didn't get stuck in the world pool, but you know, I'm flying down this set of rapids at this point.

[749] So Larry starts yelling to all of us to swim to the side of the river as fast and as hard as we possibly can.

[750] I am no Olympic swimmer and it's not very straightforward to try to swim against rapids.

[751] So I'm making like maybe an inch or two of progress for every minute that I'm swimming, but I'm swimming as hard as I can to the left side of the stream.

[752] At this point, I'm like obviously scared, but because I'm making progress, I'm not panicked out of my mind.

[753] I'm just kind of feeling like, okay, I guess we'll all make it to shore eventually.

[754] Yeah.

[755] But things took a metaphorical and literal turn for the worse when we turned to bend in the river and we saw that the river was going to split into two.

[756] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[757] And because I've been swimming towards the left, I am going down the left fork in the river.

[758] But meanwhile, everybody else has been swimming towards the right.

[759] No. Oh, my goodness.

[760] I'm so scared.

[761] Larry realizes this.

[762] And he starts screaming to me to swim as hard as I can to the right side of the river.

[763] Well, thanks, Larry.

[764] Oh, you think I should stay with you guys?

[765] That's the decision.

[766] We should all stay together.

[767] Okay.

[768] By the way, Monica, and I don't want to minimize her traumatic experience.

[769] But Monica went over an 18 -inch waterfall in Austin, and it really shook her to the core.

[770] I can't imagine you in this sit here.

[771] And you were scared, too.

[772] I was?

[773] Yes.

[774] I was scared you were going to be upset, which you were.

[775] No, you even said it was bad when you went with Delta down it.

[776] Yeah, but I got her on the rock and then I was going to come to you.

[777] It was all fine.

[778] Even though you say you don't want to minimize, you totally are minimizing.

[779] Well, I'm saying comparative to the situation in Ecuador.

[780] I don't know why you need to pit us against each other.

[781] I'm not putting you against each other.

[782] against each other.

[783] No, what I'm saying is I can only imagine the level of anxiety you have right now, knowing that I witnessed you go through something much smaller and it was very overwhelming.

[784] Yeah, because I can't swim.

[785] Right.

[786] So that's all I'm pointing out is this must be terrifying for you.

[787] How on a scale of zero to ten, ten being Olympic, good of a swimmer are you?

[788] Like five.

[789] We had life jackets.

[790] Right.

[791] So that's at least good.

[792] You're probably not going to drown.

[793] Although there is Cayman and Crocodilia down there in them waters, isn't there?

[794] Yeah.

[795] Yeah, I think there are like snakes even in the water sometimes.

[796] Yeah, yeah.

[797] Uh -huh, there's Jaguar in the, in the, there is in the forest there.

[798] Yeah, they got it all.

[799] Anacondas, you name it, Copi Barra.

[800] Oh, my God, they hate it here.

[801] Larry starts screaming at me to come join them on the right as if it's possible for me to somehow, you know, make it through all these rapids in time.

[802] So I start trying to swim to the right as hard as I can, but obviously I'm not making a lot of progress.

[803] Pretty quickly, it becomes clear that I'm not going to make it.

[804] And Larry, thankfully, starts swimming to the left so that he can join me in the left fork.

[805] Yeah.

[806] Luckily, he does make it in the nick of time.

[807] So he and I are both going down the left fork in the river.

[808] My dad and my uncle are going down the right fork in the river.

[809] This is such a disaster.

[810] The river splits and we just completely separate.

[811] Like, we can no longer see my dad and my uncle.

[812] And even though Larry and I are in the same fork in the river, we're not exactly together.

[813] Like, a rapid had pushed me way ahead of him.

[814] so we're not really like able to communicate with each other.

[815] Oh, boy.

[816] So I continued doing what I was doing before, trying as hard as I could to swim to that little rocky shore.

[817] And I'm getting really, really tired, but the adrenaline's pumping and you just kind of keep going.

[818] I'm swimming for about five minutes in the left fork before all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I get completely sucked down to the bottom of the river.

[819] What?

[820] I'm down at the bottom of the river bed, feeling sand and trying to figure out what I'm on earth happened, and I realized that I must have gotten sucked into a whirlpool.

[821] But unlike the boat, which stayed above water, I just got completely sucked under.

[822] So I'm drowning.

[823] Oh, my God.

[824] Oh.

[825] I'm so sorry, Monica.

[826] Well, I see that you're alive, so I feel a little.

[827] Yeah, exactly.

[828] But I'm not even sure.

[829] Is she?

[830] I don't know.

[831] Yeah.

[832] It doesn't seem like, how could she be?

[833] I don't know if she is.

[834] Her dad and uncle are gone.

[835] Yes.

[836] I'm trying and trying to get back above water.

[837] but no matter what I do, I can't get back above.

[838] And I honestly did think, like, this is how I go.

[839] Wow.

[840] I kept trying with no luck to get above water.

[841] Even with the life vest on.

[842] Yeah.

[843] So I'm just racking my brain trying to remember the safety training and what we're supposed to do in a whirlpool.

[844] Now, I want to make super clear that I am not at all certified to say what to do in a whirlpool.

[845] And I'm not sure this is actually the right protocol.

[846] But I remembered them telling us something about making yourself as small as possible and like curling up into a ball because if you're flailing, your arms and legs get in the outer vortex and just get kind of pulled back down.

[847] So I guess if you make yourself small, you can maybe get shot back up out of the whirlpool.

[848] Oh boy.

[849] Anyway, so I remembered that.

[850] I'm like trying to rearrange myself super small and nothing's happening.

[851] I keep moving my arms and my legs, tightening them and tightening them.

[852] And honestly, I don't know what I did, but some rearrangement of my limbs worked and all of a sudden I was back above water.

[853] So he heaved in some air, feeling lucky to see the sun again.

[854] At this point, obviously, I'm completely exhausted.

[855] So I know I just can't keep swimming.

[856] So I decide instead to just float on my back.

[857] There we go.

[858] And let Jesus take the wheel.

[859] That's right.

[860] It's your turn, Lord.

[861] Step in.

[862] Exactly.

[863] I tried my will.

[864] My will is run riot.

[865] So I just float on my back for five or ten minutes before I see that up ahead.

[866] there's this giant rock that is peeking out above the water, and I realize that if I could latch onto it, I could catch my breath and then jump from that big rock onto the shore.

[867] There we go.

[868] As the rapids rush by this rock, I latch onto it, and I hoist myself up onto it, and then I catch my breath, and I jump from that rock onto the shore.

[869] But like I said, the quote unquote, shore is really just like a foot or two of stones.

[870] So I just kind of laid stomach down onto the rocks and heaved for a while, to catch my breath.

[871] I do that for a few minutes before I hear some footsteps approaching.

[872] And I look up and lo and behold, it's Larry.

[873] So Larry had reached the shore before me and I have no idea what to say except what do we do now.

[874] Because we don't know where my dad and uncle are and we have no boats.

[875] Luckily, Larry had a waterproof phone case.

[876] So he takes out his phone and he calls the local fire department and he asks them to come rescue us.

[877] No joke.

[878] They tell him that they have a raft, but it's really big.

[879] And it won't fit down the fork in the river that we're on.

[880] So we need to go back to where the river split so that we can meet the firemen in their raft.

[881] We're like walking along the shore trying to get back to where the river split, but the rocks were really slippy and wet.

[882] And so I was just so worried about falling back into the water that I told Larry, we cannot hop these rocks.

[883] We need to hike somewhere else.

[884] And he told me the only option was to hike through the rainforest.

[885] With the jaguars, yeah.

[886] Yeah.

[887] So we went up to the rainforest and we start hiking through tarantulas and all.

[888] And obviously there's no trail.

[889] So we're just trying to make our way through the vines and the tree branches and whatnot.

[890] You would think that the whole time I would be crying or like worried about my dad and my uncle.

[891] But honestly, I feel like your brain just doesn't let you go there when you just have to survive.

[892] So we hike for like an hour.

[893] And it's pretty much just me trying to keep up.

[894] with Larry because he's way shorter than me. So he fits through all these spaces that I can't fit through.

[895] Sure.

[896] Like at one point, he ducks under this thorn tree and I try to follow him, but I'm way too tall.

[897] So the tree just like cuts me up.

[898] Oh, geez.

[899] Oh, boy.

[900] This is such a nightmare.

[901] After a while, we come across these guys who are working in the rainforest using machetes.

[902] Oh, my goodness.

[903] Myself and Larry went up to them.

[904] And obviously, Larry is from the area.

[905] So He speaks Spanish, and he asks them if they will help lead us through the rainforest with their machetes.

[906] And they agree.

[907] So we have these three men in front of us, like whacking down vines and all sorts of stuff and leading the way through the rainforest as we hike.

[908] You're not old enough, but this is romancing the stone.

[909] Great film, Michael Douglas.

[910] This is it.

[911] People tell me it kind of sounds like a movie.

[912] I swear it's true.

[913] Yeah.

[914] So the men were leading us through the forest for maybe like 20 minutes or something.

[915] something when we heard yelling.

[916] And we didn't know exactly what they were saying, but we figure, you know, the more people that we can notify about what happened and where we are, the better.

[917] We go back down towards the river where the voices are coming from.

[918] And miraculously, it was actually my dad and my uncle.

[919] Oh, thank goodness.

[920] Oh, my God.

[921] They had gotten out of the river and they found each other and they hiked back to where the river had split to look for us.

[922] So they were right there.

[923] Whoa.

[924] We went down and reunited with them and we just waited for the fire department to come.

[925] They came and their raft and we got on their raft and while we were on the boat, Larry just kind of looked at us and he was like, what do you want to do now?

[926] I think he was maybe worried that we were going to like sue him or something.

[927] Sure.

[928] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[929] We had this whole day planned for after the white water rafting where we were going to go on this chocolate making tour in this other town.

[930] That sounds much more chill.

[931] He's like, do you want to continue one with the chocolate making class?

[932] And I'm like, no, we need to go back to the bed and breakfast so I can cry and never leave my bedroom again.

[933] Yes, yes.

[934] Did you ever rebound from this experience?

[935] Did the rest of the trip turn out okay?

[936] Yeah, so my dad ended up being like, no, we need to go on this chocolate making tour.

[937] Yes, character.

[938] Yeah, yeah, get on the horse.

[939] Yeah, it was the best thing we could have done because I feel like I would have been scarred for life if we had, just stopped there and if I had gone back to the bed of breakfast and cried for a while.

[940] So we went on the chocolate making class.

[941] I'm sure I looked like I had just come off a shipwreck.

[942] Right.

[943] And then poor Larry just had to write off those boats, huh?

[944] No one ever retrieves those boats.

[945] Oh, poor Larry.

[946] You know, I don't feel that bad.

[947] I mean, yeah.

[948] I mean, poor everyone involved, but also poor Larry.

[949] He's like, he's an entrepreneur.

[950] He's a businessman.

[951] He's got a hotel.

[952] And he's like, maybe I'll do some excursions.

[953] Maybe I'll do some adventuring and got in a little over his head.

[954] I don't know if he still does whitewater rafting to this day or like what happened from there.

[955] Well, that's the exact experience I'm looking for.

[956] Like, I would love to have Larry take me out.

[957] You know, you're going to get him with some shit.

[958] You know, Larry didn't really do anything wrong.

[959] Or right.

[960] Well, he got viewed to down the rapid.

[961] Well, no, they tipped over.

[962] Well, once they got in the whirlpool, they tipped.

[963] Yeah, so he should have been better at that.

[964] Okay.

[965] But whirlpools on.

[966] Tricky.

[967] Yeah.

[968] Well, I was in without a paddle.

[969] I have a lot of river experience.

[970] Oh, wow.

[971] Okay.

[972] Okay.

[973] You're going to tell you you could have done a better job.

[974] That was intense.

[975] Yeah.

[976] Wow.

[977] What a memorable trip.

[978] It was pretty insane.

[979] The next day we went to the fire department to thank the men who had rescued us.

[980] And there was a photographer there who took several photos.

[981] So I don't know.

[982] Maybe there's a newspaper article somewhere that's like stupid Americans almost die.

[983] Three gringoes almost killed town hero Larry.

[984] A local legend Larry.

[985] This story was brought to you by the Tourism Bureau of Ecuador.

[986] Wow.

[987] Well, I'm glad you made it.

[988] That could have really ended horribly.

[989] I really thought you were on the verge of telling us you died.

[990] You were a ghost.

[991] And we're talking to your ghost.

[992] Oh, well, Ashley, that was incredible.

[993] And I think it's so sweet you were on a trip with your dad and your uncle out of high school.

[994] So nice meeting.

[995] Thanks for sharing that story with us.

[996] So nice meeting you both.

[997] Thank you so much.

[998] This has been so exciting.

[999] Oh, wonderful.

[1000] All right.

[1001] Well, take care.

[1002] Have fun in Virginia.

[1003] All right.

[1004] Bye.

[1005] These stories are bad.

[1006] Yeah.

[1007] I don't think anyone can listen to this episode.

[1008] No, it's all blood and life, life -threatening.

[1009] Water, stuff.

[1010] Water play.

[1011] I was sure there would be a story about hair play.

[1012] Maybe our next guest will be about hair play.

[1013] Okay.

[1014] We'll put that as a prompt.

[1015] Okay.

[1016] Here comes Kate.

[1017] Hair comes Kate.

[1018] Because of hairplay.

[1019] Because of hair play.

[1020] Hairplay comes eight.

[1021] Comes Kate.

[1022] Yeah, that's what I said.

[1023] Hi.

[1024] Hello.

[1025] Tell us what this fun top you're in.

[1026] You know, I like the cow neck.

[1027] I'm into the cow neck thing, but this one, you know, you have to safety pin it at the back sometimes, Monica, because you get the little.

[1028] It's called a cow neck.

[1029] Cowell.

[1030] C -O -W -L.

[1031] Oh, cow.

[1032] like cow induction on a Chavelle.

[1033] Yeah, it's like a very flattering thing.

[1034] It is.

[1035] It's very nice.

[1036] You're kind of cupped, but you're not trying too hard.

[1037] Yeah, no, it looks great.

[1038] Okay, so Kate, this is wildcard, so it really could be anything.

[1039] Could be about this top.

[1040] I will do my best to keep this story like just below an R rating.

[1041] No, no, we're an R -rated show.

[1042] What are you talking about?

[1043] I'm kind of a, you know, a bashful girl, so maybe I'll PG -13 it and you can read between the lines.

[1044] You can R it up.

[1045] Okay, great, great, great.

[1046] Okay, so the story takes place.

[1047] in New York City about 11 years ago.

[1048] So, you know, I wasn't a kid.

[1049] And I like to think I was adventurous, you know, in the big city that I'm kind of a cool girl.

[1050] But I had a lot of social anxiety and I was kind of an innocent.

[1051] Okay.

[1052] So I am clicking along being this inhibited kind of girl that wants a more exciting life.

[1053] And I meet this guy, the guy.

[1054] You know, you meet him.

[1055] You'd follow him to the ends of the earth kind of guy.

[1056] And he is about as far out on the other end of the inhibited uninhibited spectrum as you can imagine and makes it clear to me on the very first date that he is part of the Manhattan sex positive scene.

[1057] Okay.

[1058] So really quick, that's my first time hearing that term, but it does sound like a euphemism for Orgy Club.

[1059] Like, what does sex positive club mean?

[1060] Sex positive lifestyle.

[1061] Okay, if I try to define it, I'll get in so much trouble in the comments, you know.

[1062] Okay.

[1063] Okay.

[1064] It's really just the embrace of, the acceptance of.

[1065] So, yes, I mean, there's pop -up kink and BDSM parties, but there's the eyes wide shut, cocktail Benetian mask, topless waitresses.

[1066] These cocktail parties are like, goddamn, people in AP lingerie.

[1067] Wow.

[1068] It's a thing.

[1069] Wow.

[1070] And you were up for it because you had made a commitment to yourself.

[1071] It's time to live out loud a little bit.

[1072] I'm like, this is not my practice life.

[1073] I can do this.

[1074] I'm going to find my bold.

[1075] And I want this guy.

[1076] I'm making up for lost time.

[1077] I'm in.

[1078] I've gone to like a few parties, maybe gotten in my underwear.

[1079] I'd seen some stuff.

[1080] I'm like dancing around the edge and find out a couple weeks into dating this guy that there is a retreat.

[1081] Wonderful.

[1082] Every summer, one of the couples has this huge main house on a lake, all the connected cabins, you know, with the wraparound balconies and a ping pong on the balconies, open doors, like a community.

[1083] Yeah, a camp for adult summer camp it's sex camp yes sex camp oh wow 24 sex positive people in cabins by a lake with no cell phone receptions for a week are there any drugs involved as well are they drug positive too yes certain drugs the ones that lend themselves to be a bit more touchy feeling yeah and it's really wonderful community about like consent and respect it's fun and celebratory as opposed to like dirty and edgy.

[1084] Right.

[1085] Right, right.

[1086] Life affirming, and they know I'm the newbie.

[1087] When I go to a party, I can hide, but at this retreat, if I'm the only one not participating in, you know, there's costume cocktail hour followed by shenanigans.

[1088] 24 people for a week, everyone's pretty much mixing it up.

[1089] Yes, sure.

[1090] And I have this feeling also like I should make some kind of grand entrance.

[1091] So, sidebar, I am entering this retreat really, really under the weather.

[1092] Oh.

[1093] I was living on like booze and donuts and no sleep.

[1094] And I had this cough.

[1095] I'm not coughing like throughout the day.

[1096] I'm fine.

[1097] And then I could feel this like coughing fit coming on, like almost like the way you feel a sneeze building.

[1098] I'd get this itch.

[1099] You know when you cough so hard, you think you're actually going to throw up.

[1100] And I was like running and hiding somewhere quiet because the cough was coming with this noise.

[1101] Oh, a rattle, a death rattle.

[1102] I wish.

[1103] I would cough, Poth, Poff.

[1104] And then this enormous involuntary inhale, Poth, Poff, and it came with a noise.

[1105] It was like, ooh.

[1106] Foth, Puff.

[1107] I had whooping cough.

[1108] Oh, God.

[1109] There we go.

[1110] I was at sex camp, make it to you make it, with whooping cough.

[1111] Oh, my God, how hot.

[1112] Like World War I, right?

[1113] So there's a morning, a couple days then.

[1114] My boyfriend and I are like lounging naked in bed, and people are like playing ping pong, all the windows open.

[1115] We can hear sex in the distance.

[1116] Like, there's always sex in the distance.

[1117] Wow.

[1118] Can I ask how often you guys are making love?

[1119] It's got to be quite frequent because it's in the air.

[1120] Oh, I was at this time in my life where I was like, this is why people don't leave bed for three days.

[1121] Like, I had never gotten it before.

[1122] Right.

[1123] You know, I'm in the summer of discovery.

[1124] But I'm always nervous.

[1125] You know, I always say shy is that you can't do it and bashful is that you can't talk about it afterwards.

[1126] Okay.

[1127] Okay.

[1128] Good distinction.

[1129] This morning, I think, well, this is perfect because we're in our cabin.

[1130] We're private.

[1131] But it's like public enough that people are all around.

[1132] This is like the perfect opportunity.

[1133] So I decide that I'm going to perform a sex act on my boyfriend, very generous and skilled and I'll be the cool girl.

[1134] So I'm going to give him a blowjob, okay?

[1135] Yeah.

[1136] I start going.

[1137] And I don't want this to be like a 45 -minute affair.

[1138] So I'm kind of goal -oriented.

[1139] End game is kind of on the horizon.

[1140] And I feel it coming.

[1141] Oh, oh, the whooping cough.

[1142] I feel this building cough wanting to come.

[1143] My lungs, they feel like they're collapsing.

[1144] I'm burning.

[1145] And I am trying to finish and suppress.

[1146] So I'm also holding my breaths.

[1147] Yeah, this is probably making it for an interesting blowjob, to be honest, from his end.

[1148] Oh, my God, I never thought of it that well.

[1149] I ended up marrying him, so I'll ask him.

[1150] Oh, that's nice.

[1151] So he's reaching endgame.

[1152] and as he does, of course, he goes all out, and my cough just, I can't hold it, and I go all in with the wound.

[1153] Whoa.

[1154] Okay, the intake.

[1155] I aspirated the whole thing.

[1156] Wow.

[1157] In my airway, and I sit up, and I'm silent.

[1158] Oh, oh, oh.

[1159] Like, if you're coughing and sputtering, you've got some hope.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] In this world, I sit up wide -eyed, silent, and do what I had been doing with the whoop, which is run to the bathroom and slam the door.

[1162] Yes, yes.

[1163] So already I am thinking, they're going to think, I give a blowjob, sit up silently, ball.

[1164] They must think it was my first blow job.

[1165] That's right.

[1166] You're grossed out.

[1167] You got to go throw up or whatever.

[1168] I am mortified, and I'm now in this bathroom with the door closed.

[1169] Luckily, I didn't lock it.

[1170] Nothing is happening, right?

[1171] and I look in the mirror and I'm starting to turn colors.

[1172] Oh, my Lord.

[1173] It's been a while, and I also ran.

[1174] Oh, my God.

[1175] The vein in my head is popping out.

[1176] Monica, I felt like I needed to tell you this part.

[1177] It didn't occur to me to ask for help.

[1178] Yeah.

[1179] Well, of course not.

[1180] You're embarrassed.

[1181] When they say you'll die of embarrassment, people will die to avoid embarrassment.

[1182] And you can also die of like a viscous substance.

[1183] Yes.

[1184] If you're choking on a grape, like it lets.

[1185] self to the Heimlich maneuver.

[1186] But I'm thinking there's nothing anyone can do.

[1187] Right.

[1188] Yes.

[1189] It's been way too long.

[1190] So I'm in this bathroom with a clawfoot tub, luckily, and survival sort of instinct, I start throwing myself over the edge of the clawfoot tub.

[1191] Heimliching yourself.

[1192] Cell, Heimlich.

[1193] Oh, my God.

[1194] Auto Heimlich asphyxiation erotica.

[1195] So I'm throwing myself over the tub.

[1196] I am actually now running out of time and damaging ribs.

[1197] And luckily, the last thing, I did was stand up really fast, and I blacked out.

[1198] It passed out, like death by sex camp.

[1199] And luckily, I hit the floor so hard that it was like knocked the wind out of me and like did something, old faithful, like something just kind of like finally burst forward.

[1200] I wake up on the floor naked, coughing, whooping, my boyfriend's there, ping pong players are there.

[1201] Oh, oh, oh.

[1202] Why did everyone have to get involved?

[1203] There was an emergent.

[1204] This could have been like a 911.

[1205] Yeah, maybe he yelled for help.

[1206] 911 was your emergency.

[1207] My girlfriend, she has, she has semen in her airway.

[1208] Excuse me?

[1209] What are you saying?

[1210] The best part was my boyfriend saying that he has some medical knowledge and in New York State, if you die from fluid in your airway, but you're not submerged in water, it's like a certain term.

[1211] So he said that he would have to explain the death certificate to my father.

[1212] father because it would read shallow water drowning.

[1213] Oh, Jesus.

[1214] Oh, my God.

[1215] So that was a whooping cough blowjob gone wrong.

[1216] Oh, my Lord.

[1217] You almost died giving a blowjob.

[1218] Okay, I have so many follow -up questions.

[1219] How long did the whooping cough last?

[1220] That was day two of this one week trip to camp?

[1221] We're like three or four days in.

[1222] And so by then, like everyone knew I had the whoop.

[1223] So I just was like whooping in the open.

[1224] And then how long does one have whooping cough?

[1225] Pretty much until you get back to civilization and get cured.

[1226] Okay.

[1227] Take an antibiotic or something.

[1228] Yeah.

[1229] The vaccine can wear off apparently.

[1230] Beware, people.

[1231] Okay.

[1232] And so did you ever rebound emotionally?

[1233] Did you end up engaging in any of the festivities later in the week?

[1234] I think I was star of the show.

[1235] Wow.

[1236] Good job.

[1237] Okay, okay, okay.

[1238] When I say I was intimidated back then in my life, I've kind of made up for a but like gangbusters.

[1239] What a story.

[1240] I mean, I can't imagine how scary it is to not be able to exhale or inhale.

[1241] Choking.

[1242] Oh, my God.

[1243] Yeah, it was like the solidity of the feeling.

[1244] Airway just packed and the absolute lack of movement or like hope of movement.

[1245] You know, you go from that social peer pressure kind of nervous thing to like existential fear.

[1246] You know, there's that switch.

[1247] where you're like, I actually think I could.

[1248] I full on did pass out.

[1249] So luckily, I hadn't hit the ground that hard.

[1250] I don't know how long it would have taken them to come look for me. Right.

[1251] Well, a real cautionary tale to anyone who's got whooping cough hold off on any oral stuff probably until that's cleared up.

[1252] Well, in general, don't aspirate.

[1253] Yeah, that's to be avoided in general.

[1254] Wow.

[1255] Have you been back to that fun camp?

[1256] Yeah, I went back the next summer, you know, and then.

[1257] Honestly, like COVID kind of killed everything.

[1258] I left New York a couple years ago to come to Seattle and take care of my elderly parents.

[1259] So a whole different lifestyle out here.

[1260] But I've heard that the scene kind of is, you know, lost its touch from 10 years ago.

[1261] Yeah, all these viral issues probably put a little damper on it.

[1262] It's hard to social distance while you're in an orgy camp.

[1263] Right?

[1264] Yeah.

[1265] Well, these people are creative.

[1266] You never know.

[1267] Well, Kate, what an incredible story.

[1268] I've never heard anyone like that.

[1269] That was really heroin.

[1270] Thank you for sharing that.

[1271] Yes.

[1272] Thank you both.

[1273] And, Jax, of all the women that call in with, like, a pitch, I do think my pitch is pretty good.

[1274] And I'm, like, 80, 20, bye, so Kristen could totally stay.

[1275] Oh, my God.

[1276] Wow.

[1277] This is wonderful.

[1278] Sky's the limit.

[1279] And you've had proper training, it sounds like.

[1280] You might be expert level.

[1281] I'm a tough kid.

[1282] I can tough.

[1283] Well, Kate, great meeting you.

[1284] Incredible story.

[1285] Thank you for everything.

[1286] We love you.

[1287] Okay.

[1288] All right.

[1289] Take care.

[1290] Bye.

[1291] Oh, wow.

[1292] Her life really took a left turn.

[1293] And so she was really shy.

[1294] Yeah.

[1295] And then she was involved in a sex camp, sex positive sex camps.

[1296] And now she's taking care of elderly parents.

[1297] Yes.

[1298] Are you choking on semen?

[1299] Oh, my God.

[1300] You have a hooping cough?

[1301] Did you spray it on your semen during that?

[1302] I don't know what happened.

[1303] I was laughing so hard that I sprayed.

[1304] And then I said, oh, I don't know how.

[1305] Accidental orgasm.

[1306] Accidental asphyxiation.

[1307] God, that's scary.

[1308] Which one?

[1309] Just choking.

[1310] All of it.

[1311] Everything we heard was terrified.

[1312] All right.

[1313] Well, I love you.

[1314] That was hair raising.

[1315] That was great.

[1316] Thanks for calling in, callers.

[1317] Yes, big time.

[1318] Bye.

[1319] Bye.

[1320] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1321] We don't have a thing song.

[1322] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1323] So here I go, go.

[1324] We're going to ask some random questions.

[1325] And with the help of our Jerry's book, and suggestion on the flyer rhymed dish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wundry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry .com slash survey.