Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard XX
[0] Who was here?
[1] Like a very short...
[2] Monica.
[3] It was me. I'm small, Liz.
[4] You are small.
[5] This is really exciting.
[6] We have a lot to talk about today.
[7] Oh, we do.
[8] Before we even get into our questions.
[9] The main event.
[10] Welcome to Los Angeles.
[11] Thank you.
[12] You live here now.
[13] It's hard for you to even say.
[14] Let's talk about it.
[15] Oh, God.
[16] I mean, I...
[17] Are you going to cry?
[18] Yeah.
[19] I've cried all week.
[20] And I was just telling Rob, I had last episode of Friends vibes of the empty apartment.
[21] But there were no friends because I banned anyone from saying goodbye to me. Oh, you did.
[22] You hate goodbyes?
[23] You're really bad at goodbyes.
[24] Even like leaving a party or ending a conversation.
[25] I have a lot of issue with just being like, this is it.
[26] See you.
[27] Bye.
[28] And got really emotional.
[29] It was like 10 years in New York.
[30] So there's like a numerical effect, which I think is always interesting.
[31] That's science.
[32] It is.
[33] It's like a completion because in Punjabi weddings, my friend Como told me, and I started to cry when she told me, obviously, she was like, no, because you know how funerals in Western cultures, everyone's in black, everyone's like very sad.
[34] Yeah.
[35] I always have wanted to create a cool funeral playlist, like a very happy one where I wanted to be a celebration.
[36] And I feel like in Indian weddings and particularly Punjabi culture, it's more of a celebration than like a morning.
[37] I mean, there is morning, but there's also a celebration.
[38] Wait, for the funerals or the weddings?
[39] The funerals.
[40] Okay, because you said weddings a couple times.
[41] Did I say weddings?
[42] I'm tired.
[43] I'm out of it.
[44] I think you're conflating the two because it is the death of your solos.
[45] Yeah, that's how I view.
[46] That's a Puritan slip.
[47] So basically, Como was like, it's a completion.
[48] A funeral is like you've completed this life and now you're moving on to.
[49] And then I started to cry because I was like, oh, I'm complete.
[50] What a wonderful time that I've had.
[51] I moved to this country.
[52] I didn't know anybody.
[53] Met people who became really like family.
[54] And then I have family here too.
[55] New chapter.
[56] New chapter, new characters, new season, new writers.
[57] I love all of that.
[58] Now I'm realizing it might be Hindu weddings and not Punjabi.
[59] So if it's Hindu, we'll take it out.
[60] No, we're keeping, you don't understand how this show's going to work, okay?
[61] I'm keeping everything, all the mistakes.
[62] All my racism.
[63] Okay, got it.
[64] Great.
[65] It's a show where it's just the mistakes.
[66] It's just the stuff we want to take out.
[67] Yeah.
[68] And we leave it.
[69] And we leave it in.
[70] Isn't that life?
[71] Yeah, it is.
[72] Okay.
[73] Punjabi's, I think, are Hindu.
[74] Hindu is the religion.
[75] Punjabi is a area Punjab.
[76] Right.
[77] Right.
[78] So the people from there are Punjabi, but they're probably Hindu or some might be Christian.
[79] I don't know.
[80] Okay.
[81] My secret knowledge does come out sometimes.
[82] I can't really hide it.
[83] But this actually is very relevant because recently I had to go to a memorial.
[84] My friend's mother, And I realized before, do I wear black?
[85] I think I'm supposed to wear black.
[86] Are there speeches?
[87] Is there food?
[88] And I realize I've never been to one of these.
[89] No way.
[90] Yes.
[91] And I've only been to one, knock on wood, funeral in my life.
[92] What?
[93] Yeah.
[94] And no memorials.
[95] And it is not part of Indian culture at all.
[96] I mean, people in my family have passed.
[97] But we're not doing that.
[98] And then I wondered, what do we even do?
[99] I mean, there's no burials.
[100] Everyone's cremated.
[101] My dad's mother is dead.
[102] But I don't think he, like, went there to do something for a memorial.
[103] Were you around when she passed?
[104] I was little.
[105] Yeah, but she lived in India.
[106] Okay.
[107] So you didn't go to the wedding.
[108] Oh, my God.
[109] What am I?
[110] No, but can I?
[111] Okay.
[112] Can I. Okay.
[113] Oh, my God.
[114] No, but can I tell you?
[115] So I have the reverse experience where I can count on one hand the amount of weddings I've been to.
[116] lot.
[117] Funerals?
[118] Funerals?
[119] No, weddings.
[120] I've been to like baby six weddings in my life.
[121] And before the age of 14, I'd been to 10 funerals.
[122] I've been to so many funerals.
[123] I know how to funeral.
[124] I could be your funeral wing person.
[125] And I think it's a mix of things.
[126] When I was really young, my sister's best friend died of chicken pox.
[127] Like suddenly, yeah, very, very sudden death.
[128] And my sister was in the fifth grade and I was in second grade.
[129] And she was also in fifth grade.
[130] Yes.
[131] Yeah, yeah.
[132] And we would take the bus every day together.
[133] Like, and she just, yeah, got chicken box.
[134] Is that because of Canada's health care?
[135] It's not about Canada.
[136] Don't turn it into a Canadian thing.
[137] I'm sorry, but I just never.
[138] No, now kids, they don't even get chicken pox anymore.
[139] Yeah, there's a vaccine.
[140] Yes.
[141] But at the time, again, we were encouraged you get it and then you don't.
[142] Of course, we all got it.
[143] Yes.
[144] But there are some rare cases that have complications and it's one of those crazy rare.
[145] Yeah.
[146] Oh, that's awful.
[147] And I also think that my parents just have, like, it's like a habit of going to funerals.
[148] Like, I remember being at funerals of the parent of someone, and we just would go.
[149] We just were like, yeah, that's really sad for this person.
[150] You like funeral crashed?
[151] You like looked in the newspaper to see what's not it.
[152] No, no, no, no. We did take it that far.
[153] But it's like such a common experience and something everyone can understand, like, losing someone.
[154] And it's so devastating that, like, I would kind of go into a random funeral and just be there.
[155] to honor that life and if it's helpful.
[156] I don't know.
[157] Okay, it's really sweet.
[158] It's probably not.
[159] It's very sweet.
[160] But I'm just wondering if I was throwing a funeral.
[161] Throwing?
[162] Is that the two?
[163] Are there funeral throwers?
[164] If I was hosting a funeral.
[165] Hosting?
[166] I don't know what you say.
[167] I don't think that's the word.
[168] I think it's just having.
[169] Okay.
[170] I don't think it's like a positive uplifting.
[171] Well, we could make it that.
[172] You're right.
[173] If I was hosting a funeral party.
[174] I like that.
[175] And I sent out the invites.
[176] And then people came, okay?
[177] And I looked and I thought, who's that?
[178] I don't remember inviting that person.
[179] And then I went up and I said, oh, hi, I'm Monica.
[180] I'm hosting this.
[181] How did you know Rob?
[182] Rob's dead in this.
[183] Okay, Rob is it's Rob's funeral.
[184] It'd be kind of weird that I'm hosting Rob's funeral, but I am good at hosting.
[185] Yeah.
[186] Well, my family was all killed in an accident.
[187] Oh, no. Oh, my God.
[188] That's really.
[189] If you go to that funeral, even if you didn't know who they were, I feel like I would go.
[190] No, I think that's disrespectful to just, like, pop in where everyone knows each other and they know the life of Rob and Rob's feelings.
[191] I don't even like, I don't want to, I don't like this.
[192] I'm knocking on wood again.
[193] Okay.
[194] My friend Barry, okay?
[195] Okay.
[196] I'm hosting for my friend Barry.
[197] Let's roll play.
[198] Okay.
[199] Hi, I'm Monica.
[200] I'm hosting this funeral.
[201] Welcome.
[202] Do you like the decorations?
[203] I want to take back the premise of this because it wouldn't be like, oh, there's a funeral.
[204] Let's check it out.
[205] But again, I have been to funerals of people I've never met, but it was like the sibling or the parent of someone that I knew.
[206] And in that case, yeah, I didn't know Grandma Teresa.
[207] Yes.
[208] But there is a person there that you are supporting.
[209] I wouldn't actively seek out funerals, but I also think that I could enjoy the experience of morning life, even if I didn't know who the person was, because life is life.
[210] That's really beautiful.
[211] It's so early to be talking about funeral crashing.
[212] That's crazy.
[213] Okay, so you've barely been to any weddings.
[214] I've been to so many weddings.
[215] Well, no one gets married in Quebec.
[216] We just buy condos and have kids.
[217] So you know a lot of people who are not married, but with children.
[218] So many.
[219] My best friend Katz parents have been together for 35 years.
[220] It's her boyfriend.
[221] My parents got married at the courthouse.
[222] I'm like, it's just not a big wedding culture.
[223] Right.
[224] And so I don't have an aversion to weddings, but I feel weird about it sometimes.
[225] It feels like a weird performance.
[226] Wow.
[227] I love them.
[228] I feel very life affirmed at weddings.
[229] Like, life is beautiful.
[230] Love is beautiful.
[231] Really, a lot of it is seeing the two families.
[232] Yes.
[233] I like that part.
[234] And not just the families, but it's everyone in this person's life is here.
[235] Everyone in this person's life is here.
[236] And all of these people have contributed to getting this person here.
[237] Weddings are just so happy.
[238] Oh, you're mixed messies.
[239] You love funerals and you hate weddings.
[240] Okay, it's like I find airports more romantic than a wedding.
[241] People saying goodbye at the airport.
[242] Oh, love actually.
[243] And that's like a quote.
[244] You'll see so much more sincere I love you's at an airport terminal than in a church.
[245] Yeah.
[246] And funerals to me are like such a deep.
[247] expression of love.
[248] There's no performance.
[249] It's the opposite.
[250] You don't want to be there.
[251] You wish you weren't doing this.
[252] And so there's something very real and raw about it.
[253] There is.
[254] You're right.
[255] And beautiful.
[256] It makes sense.
[257] You enjoy crying much more than me. Do you enjoy sadness?
[258] I think I have an issue.
[259] I think I enjoy nostalgia too much.
[260] I need to like work on that.
[261] Well, no. Unless it's causing you harm.
[262] Are you a nostalgic person?
[263] I used to be and I did have to detach.
[264] Yeah.
[265] It was becoming almost pathological.
[266] Like, it was becoming unhealthy for me to be living in this sort of melancholy longing space for a time I'm never going to get back.
[267] And also, it kind of manifested in weird ways.
[268] Like, I had this period where I was obsessed with taking pictures.
[269] I think it was because, like, we have to save this memory and capture it.
[270] And it just, then I, like, wasn't having fun at the parties.
[271] And it was a fear of losing that moment.
[272] I think so.
[273] Yeah.
[274] It's like, oh, I got to capture this or else it will be gone forever.
[275] What do you think that's from?
[276] That fear of loss?
[277] Yeah, that's so old.
[278] Which, again, is ironic because as we just said, so much wood knocking.
[279] Yeah.
[280] Get used to it.
[281] I have had very little loss.
[282] I've been extremely lucky.
[283] Well, no. You had 10 funerals by the time.
[284] I know, but no one actually in my, I mean, my grandmother or grandparents.
[285] Yeah, but I've been very lucky, too.
[286] Healthy family, friend.
[287] I know.
[288] And so almost because of that, perhaps, I had no connection to that feeling.
[289] And it is so scary.
[290] The idea of it is so astronomical.
[291] I feel like I would never overcome it.
[292] So I live with a lot of fear.
[293] Also, I just live with a lot of fear because my parents have so much fear.
[294] And we talked about this the other day.
[295] When I was home most recently, So you know, the airport, I got to the airport and I just shook my head and patting myself on the back, said, you've come so far in the fear department specifically because they are so scared of everything.
[296] And I think a lot of people would say that about me, which is why I felt like now I've just been gaslit by all these people because they have no idea what I've accomplished from where I can.
[297] came from.
[298] Okay, this weird thing happened.
[299] I might have to cut it because it's like embarrassing by proxy.
[300] Okay.
[301] We went to this restaurant, my family, the four of us, in like a kind of hip -ish part of Atlanta, Decatur, shout out.
[302] And it's a bit far from my house.
[303] And then Atlanta traffic's awful.
[304] So it took us over an hour to get there.
[305] I could feel my dad getting anxious because of the traffic.
[306] I was like, it's fine.
[307] They know we're coming.
[308] They know we're going to be a little late.
[309] It's a big deal.
[310] And then he's like, I knew we shouldn't have come at this time.
[311] I'm like, what else are we doing?
[312] What else?
[313] And then I get in that tone, that like mean kid tone.
[314] And then we can't really find parking because, of course, it's a hip area.
[315] So there's going to not be a parking lot and you have to park on the street.
[316] And my dad.
[317] It starts to park.
[318] It was a huge spot.
[319] So he could have paralleled park, but also he could just go right in.
[320] And so he was like, should I parallel parking?
[321] And we were like, no. My brother and I said, no, just go in.
[322] And like, we kind of, again, have that sort of mean -lit child.
[323] Yeah.
[324] And so I think he kind of panicked.
[325] And he went in so fast at a weird angle.
[326] And it was just like scraping the rim of this car.
[327] Well, he just wouldn't stop.
[328] He was just continuing to move forward.
[329] My brother and I are just staring at each other.
[330] mouths a gait.
[331] And I screamed, Dad, stop!
[332] Like, he's a child.
[333] And I said, let me do it.
[334] And I made everyone get out of the car and I parked it.
[335] I know.
[336] I've done that for someone before.
[337] But for a parent?
[338] I feel really guilty.
[339] Don't.
[340] This is the first time I've said it out loud.
[341] People are bad at parallel parking, though.
[342] I think my dad is extremely tough, and I don't believe him to have any feelings of humiliation ever.
[343] That is humiliation.
[344] What I did to him.
[345] I don't think he processed it like that because I don't think he's that type of person, but I think I might be protecting myself by saying he's just not that type of person.
[346] Set on the curb, sad watching you.
[347] Oh, no. What if you had been a man, though?
[348] Is it the fact that your, his daughter?
[349] Do you think he would be as bad?
[350] Because I feel like that changes it a bit.
[351] Maybe that, like, his little girl has to parallel.
[352] But again, I'm projecting this on him.
[353] And he didn't say anything.
[354] And that's why it's extra sad because he did just, like, get out and let me do it.
[355] Sounds like maybe you should call him and ask him if it made him say.
[356] No, no, no, no, no, I don't want him ever to think about that ever.
[357] Or maybe that's not even sad.
[358] Maybe that was like, I don't want to do it anymore.
[359] Or he raises a tough daughter.
[360] Yeah.
[361] Right.
[362] Who really is good at drive.
[363] I don't think he thought that in the moment.
[364] I mean, I don't know.
[365] I don't know how to drive.
[366] But I feel like if you're in a position where things are going badly, it might just be a relief.
[367] for him, and none of the sadness for him beers.
[368] Like, maybe that's what you're projecting.
[369] That's nice.
[370] Oh, we have a visitor.
[371] We have a dad.
[372] Just in time to hear a horrible story that you're going to judge me for bad.
[373] Oh, my God.
[374] Did you puke more hot dogs?
[375] No, we're not talking about that ever came.
[376] Oh, no. Well, the experiment's complete.
[377] I'm not talking about that on this podcast.
[378] Okay.
[379] That'll be out by then, though.
[380] That's been compartmentalized.
[381] too yeah okay okay I puked a hot dog once a whole hot dog and blamed a single mom it's a sweet sweet story one of the family's last hot dogs ever stop eating this is the last money they had they spent on the she was a little girl she was a 10 year old little girl no we decided you were in fourth grade I was probably nine no ninth is 10 year but I'm young for my age oh okay are you that's not even a sentence that's not but no but you're not are you yeah graduate it 17?
[382] Yes, I did.
[383] You did?
[384] Yes, I started college at 17.
[385] Oh, my God, you're at Lundercin?
[386] A little bit.
[387] A Douglas Houser.
[388] I started kindergarten when I was two.
[389] Two months.
[390] Two months old.
[391] Two months of days old.
[392] I was four, but yeah.
[393] Okay, so she was nine fourth grade and she was at her girlfriend's house, single mother.
[394] Apartment.
[395] Yep, yeah.
[396] Why do those parents have to be retold?
[397] Well, I'll tell you why.
[398] If you threw up at Richie Rich's house, you'd be like, oh, fuck those people.
[399] The stakes are there.
[400] Butler cleaned it up, not the single mom.
[401] Yeah, as a single mother who's already worked to the bone and frazzled.
[402] Oh, my God.
[403] Now worried she had poisoned this kid with her tainted hot dogs.
[404] And then poor Moni threw up in the middle of the nine.
[405] Oh.
[406] In bed or in the toilet?
[407] In the child's twin bed.
[408] Yeah, the trundle.
[409] And did you have to go wake her up?
[410] No, I had to lie about it.
[411] Here comes the deceit.
[412] Yeah, so she was embarrassed, naturally.
[413] And she just pretended it.
[414] She had no clue why there was puked up hot dog.
[415] in the bed in the morning.
[416] Oh, you kept sleeping in the pew?
[417] Yeah.
[418] She had no choice.
[419] I had no choice.
[420] It was for survival.
[421] I probably asked my friend in the morning, did you do that?
[422] Oh, no, that bad.
[423] I mean, I don't remember that, but I know me. And if I'm in survival mode, I'm sure I did do that.
[424] You have to play it like someone who didn't puke last night.
[425] I'm good at knowing.
[426] Your motivation.
[427] You were an actor.
[428] This is the beginning.
[429] It won.
[430] I don't know if it was obvious it was you.
[431] Like you had throw up on your face and everyone just laid along.
[432] I'm sure.
[433] Okay, Monica.
[434] It's probably all over my shirt.
[435] T -shirt on says I love throwing up at sleepovers that no one noticed until that morning.
[436] Okay, we recorded this yesterday.
[437] Now we're really exposing ourselves which Dax hates.
[438] Three months ago.
[439] We recorded this many months ago.
[440] And the whole reason we got into this is because I brought up something from Dax's past.
[441] He got a little sensitive about the fact that I brought it up and he didn't have control over it.
[442] He pooped in the bed in an orgy.
[443] Okay.
[444] And I kind of was like, oh, it just came out of nowhere and we just dropped right into the punchline of the story.
[445] Okay.
[446] Right.
[447] Because he's talked about it many times.
[448] It's not like it was a story I knew and nobody knew.
[449] He's talked about it.
[450] Right, right.
[451] So I brought that up and then it gave him a little bit of the cholt.
[452] You see already now I feel like I need to tell Liz.
[453] I'm more, I'm back now.
[454] She just heard the punchline too.
[455] Two.
[456] It was oily.
[457] Okay.
[458] Okay.
[459] Let me know.
[460] Hold on, hold on, hold on.
[461] Hold on.
[462] Let me be honest.
[463] Oh, yeah.
[464] We were supposed to cut that.
[465] Hold on a second.
[466] Hold on a second.
[467] What happened, Liz, was, obviously, 20 years ago.
[468] I think it was one of the first times I ever was in New York to do a late night talk show, went out.
[469] He wasn't sober.
[470] Great night, doing a ton of Coke, hanging with some other people.
[471] We all end up back at my hotel room, a guy and his girlfriend and this gal I met, sex on the bed, all of us at the same time.
[472] Now, there was no swappy swap, but it was a very heightened kind of 70s playboy experience.
[473] It was wonderful.
[474] They then got hungry because they were not doing as much cocaine as I was.
[475] And it's a sweet, and I'm putting that in quotes.
[476] The hotel room was a suite.
[477] But really, it was like, the bed's here and the couch you're sitting on right now.
[478] That's about the gap.
[479] So they were like in that little couch looking that way, eating this breakfast they had ordered the room at like 8 a .m. I'm now sitting on the bed still.
[480] I might be having a cigarette or something.
[481] And I think, um, hmm, I just have no fart.
[482] Just a tiniest bit, and they're very far, well, they're not very far away, but they're far enough away then.
[483] I'm just going to test, make sure that it's odorless.
[484] Can I real quick?
[485] Okay.
[486] There's no test.
[487] There is.
[488] You crack the bottle, just and just, like if you're opening a Pepsi, you know, and then you quickly screw it back.
[489] Then it will still smell.
[490] But the volume you've let out will be manageable.
[491] You'll get a hint of it.
[492] And you're like, oh, don't do that.
[493] Go into the bathroom.
[494] And conversely, you, and then you, oh, no, no one in the end, this is totally fine.
[495] I'm going to let a little more out.
[496] And then step two, and then you close it, wait around.
[497] And this is a safe way to determine whether there's going to be some offensive.
[498] Have you ever done this?
[499] You are nodding.
[500] I do this.
[501] You're testing sound too.
[502] Because you don't know, sure.
[503] And so you'll have an idea.
[504] No, I'm going to stop you right there.
[505] You can't test for sound.
[506] I'm sure.
[507] Yeah, you are.
[508] You are.
[509] Come out.
[510] Yes.
[511] You're right in that monocate.
[512] You guys act like you have so much more control over your butts than most.
[513] Largely, that has been the case.
[514] But obviously the story I'm telling, that wasn't the case this time.
[515] I had underestimated whatever impact the cocaine on my stomach and no eating.
[516] And that was another thing.
[517] Like, I hadn't eaten in 20 -some hours.
[518] So I wasn't really concerned that there was even going to be a smell.
[519] And then all of a sudden I used to like, oh, oh, oh, oh.
[520] And now they're right there.
[521] And I'm like, oh, my God.
[522] And then I, in a panic, I just grab the sheets.
[523] And I walk into the bathroom and I shut the door and then I hop in the shower.
[524] And then I am making sure there's zero evidence.
[525] Smart.
[526] Yeah.
[527] Be normal.
[528] That is not smart.
[529] You bring all these sheets from the bed into the shower and try to act like it's normal.
[530] What else are you going to do?
[531] Thank you.
[532] Work back.
[533] Words from the options, Monica.
[534] If someone did that in your hotel room, wouldn't you be like, wait, what's going on?
[535] They took a sheet into the shower.
[536] They obviously puked a hot dog or shit in the bed.
[537] Those are the options.
[538] Well, you pull them on and be like, who brought the sheets?
[539] Did you bring the sheets in here?
[540] That's what you do.
[541] You just like gaslight.
[542] Well, Paul, Monica.
[543] No. So, okay, yeah.
[544] So I'm in the shower and I'm in a bit of a panic now.
[545] And I'm cleaning the sheets up.
[546] And then I'm quickly trying to think of my explanation for why I went to the shower with the sheets.
[547] And then I decide, oh, God, this is as bad as you asking your buddy.
[548] Have I never heard this?
[549] What I said is like there was kind of some sex on the sheet that needed some cleaner.
[550] No, but you said it was the girl.
[551] No, I did not.
[552] I did not.
[553] Some sex.
[554] Yeah, yeah.
[555] It could have been the guy.
[556] I think you went straight there.
[557] Well, because you're embarrassed.
[558] I don't think you'd be embarrassed if.
[559] it was calm.
[560] Well, no, I want it, nor would I be embarrassed if there was sex, but I thought that was a plausible explanation.
[561] And no one seemed to really dig deeper.
[562] I mean, look, we went out 15 hours before.
[563] Yeah.
[564] They're trying to get that free breakfast and then hit the road.
[565] Were they strangers?
[566] The dude, I knew a bit.
[567] He was a guy who was a club promoter in New York.
[568] You know, there's this whole industry in New York that doesn't really exist in L .A. And when I was young and partied and I went to New York.
[569] I knew some of these promoters and you would go to clubs and you'd get free everything and then they'd drive you around and they knew who had drugs.
[570] And so, yes, I knew the dude, but no, I didn't know him well.
[571] Okay.
[572] Wow.
[573] It was up until that little fiasco.
[574] Nice night for everyone.
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[601] You have nothing to lose.
[602] I feel like I'm proud of you.
[603] I feel like you were very intrepid and resourceful.
[604] That's my takeaway.
[605] This leads me to what I really want to talk about today.
[606] Okay, good.
[607] We found the thread.
[608] We had a lot of threads going.
[609] It's about Liz's mixed messages.
[610] Oh, good.
[611] How do I want to get into this?
[612] How can I jump away?
[613] No, because I find this extremely fascinating, and I do think this is the second episode of our show.
[614] And I think it's going to be a through line throughout for both of us.
[615] Okay.
[616] where we are very smart.
[617] You're too smart and you're...
[618] To be forgotten.
[619] That's what I wrote in your yearbook in 7th grade.
[620] Too smart to be forgotten.
[621] And you are extremely knowledgeable on feminism, on how the world truly should operate, how the patriarchy infiltrates every single one of us.
[622] And you speak on this publicly.
[623] You go on the news, the actual news.
[624] America's news.
[625] To talk about it.
[626] about this because you're an actual expert.
[627] That's the context.
[628] I'm afraid of what it's going.
[629] No, no, no. But also...
[630] I know where you're going.
[631] Yes.
[632] I know you know, but I'm going to do it.
[633] Also, you're a real person.
[634] Yeah.
[635] And you have some conflicting actions to your beliefs.
[636] Yeah.
[637] And what I really want to be clear about is it's not hypocrisy.
[638] It's what we all do, which is we have a set of values and beliefs.
[639] and what we know the way the world should be.
[640] However, the reality of the world doesn't always add up to the way the world should be.
[641] And there's often conflicting pieces there.
[642] Again, for all of us, for me, majorly, too.
[643] My therapist always says, let's try to do this so that your actions match your beliefs or your values, knowing that often they don't.
[644] And that's why you have to actually make a huge effort to do that.
[645] The statement, humans are full of contradictory.
[646] is like the most concise for me, and I believe that and I support it and I don't think it's something to be ashamed of.
[647] It's not hypocrisy.
[648] It's contradiction.
[649] We're going to be talking about this throughout this show because we are in a position where I do think people, for some reason, have been interested in listening to what we have to say, which is very flattering.
[650] And I want to be very open about the fact that we live in reality.
[651] And so there's going to be contradictions.
[652] And that's okay.
[653] Actions that might seem inconsistent.
[654] And I want to dissect that.
[655] Like, it's fascinating that we know how things should be.
[656] And then sometimes we don't think that way.
[657] I would argue it's the only thing interesting about humans.
[658] It's the number one thing.
[659] When you're watching a show you love, generally what you love is that the lead character to the protagonist that you like is trying to juggle many different objectives and goals and desires, and often they're at odds with one another.
[660] And that's drama.
[661] That's what's interesting.
[662] That's what makes humans fascinating, is the tension and contradiction and the challenges.
[663] For sure.
[664] Does it resonate?
[665] I mean, I also want to say I've done a lot of things that are hypocritical.
[666] Like, I think if you're a smart person, actually, you are able to reflect and be unsure about your own positions and your own behaviors.
[667] And I think that that's actually something that I wasn't.
[668] always good at doing.
[669] I was so convinced of the way that I thought that I was and of the way that I thought other people were and systems, right?
[670] Like, I don't think I'm the only one.
[671] It's all in the sort of air of this moment of everyone has their own reality that's reinforced in all these different ways.
[672] But I think it's good to reflect on our contradictions.
[673] Yeah.
[674] Originally, I wanted to name this podcast, Mr. Jones, off of the movie Burr.
[675] that Bradley Cooper stars in.
[676] He's a chef in that movie.
[677] He plays a very Anthony Bourdain type character.
[678] And he's a dick.
[679] I mean, he's awful.
[680] He, like, shoves this girl across the kitchen.
[681] Zana Miller.
[682] By all accounts, a bad dude.
[683] And I am watching this movie.
[684] Spraying in your pants?
[685] Wet.
[686] Like, turned on.
[687] Turned on.
[688] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[689] Turned on.
[690] He is so hot in it.
[691] I'm getting turned.
[692] I know, I know.
[693] Can you just drive him a little more?
[694] Well, he's got those eyes and his hair looks great.
[695] At one point, he's walking and it's just the back of him.
[696] It's just the back of his neck and it's hot.
[697] And I got so angry with myself during this when I was watching it because I thought, why do I like him?
[698] He's awful.
[699] To me, that was an example of this, right, where I know that.
[700] that this is a bad dude.
[701] He's hurting women.
[702] He doesn't give a shit.
[703] He's so entitled.
[704] And that is not a person I should ever want to be with.
[705] And there you are all fucked up.
[706] But here I am.
[707] Getting your dying to be with him.
[708] Equipment out of your nightstand.
[709] Shut up.
[710] Oh my God.
[711] But yes.
[712] Do you feel like that about women?
[713] I feel like guys have that with women too like women that they're attracted to or women that they want to and they're like this doesn't align okay i'm going to join that i'm going to answer that but i do want to just say what you might tell yourself as i'm a proponent of this and i'm outspoken about that and i believe in this and if you know this thing about me it will discredit the other things and i will lose the thing that i like because i will have lost credit which if you distill that even further it's really just the most fundamental thing which is if you know everything about me you won't love me I'm not worthy of love if you know all about me. Okay.
[714] And then we dress it up as like the economic model of it, that your livelihood's on the line.
[715] And so that becomes a justification that feels very real and defendable.
[716] But really at the core, it's the same thing everyone's struggling with nonstop, which is if you actually looked at all of me, you would run away from me. And in my experience, that fear is just that.
[717] It's a fear.
[718] And in fact, all the things that I'm afraid you'll hate about me, probably you'll like about me. And that's a rejection of ourselves.
[719] I'm rejecting this facet of me that's attracted to someone that's not aligned with who I want.
[720] Yes, and that's your rejection.
[721] Like, I don't think anything differently of you because of that.
[722] I think it's in our self -rejection and what kind of story we make based on certain feelings or certain attitudes or certain behaviors that we have.
[723] I don't think there's anything wrong with being attracted to the kind of guy that you're like, this isn't who I would want to marry.
[724] but that's not also who you want to marry and that's not probably who you're going on dates with and there's a difference between a preference and like making life decisions to reiterate.
[725] It could also be an application.
[726] Like, oh, this guy's good for this application.
[727] Making me crazy, horny in my bed one.
[728] Exactly.
[729] But not for the other application.
[730] Yes.
[731] What I think is fascinating personally is me as someone who is hyper aware of the problems of a person like that and what it does to women specifically, the fact that my body can still react like that is interesting, minimally.
[732] It's just interesting that we can hold two things at once.
[733] And like you said, my actions, I can force to more match my values.
[734] But our innate selves sometimes betray us.
[735] And I think we're going to...
[736] But I don't see it as a betrayal.
[737] I really don't.
[738] And I think that's actually like an old version of me was like, that's bad.
[739] and anything in sex that's like aggressive or dominating or playing into any kind of power dynamic, that's patriarchy.
[740] I don't think that's true at all.
[741] And I think that's the most feminist thing you can do is be free to explore all of that.
[742] I think thinking that there's something wrong with wanting that in a sexual way might be what you want to like think about because I don't think that's what you want in a long term.
[743] And maybe we can think about is it bad if a woman wants that in a long -term relationship.
[744] I don't know.
[745] Can we judge her?
[746] But I think, yeah, there's like a sexual component for you for that.
[747] And I think that's a great thing for you to explore.
[748] And tons of women want to be thrown around at bed and, like, be handled in a certain way.
[749] And that's, I think, a positive thing to know that and to explore that with someone who's respectful and doesn't throw you around when you're eating breakfast next day, you know, that contains it in a certain environment.
[750] Yeah.
[751] Well, the reason I brought this up is now I kind of forget.
[752] But you said something to him.
[753] He's cute, I shit.
[754] I know.
[755] But you had a reaction to him that I thought was contradictory.
[756] Maybe it was you saying you're proud of him.
[757] Because you're not.
[758] I am.
[759] You are?
[760] No, I fully mean that.
[761] Okay.
[762] I don't want to tell a story.
[763] It's not like great.
[764] I. But did you think Monicas and I were really great?
[765] I know.
[766] But mine is more recent.
[767] That's like, it's not old.
[768] Just changed the day.
[769] But, no, but like, I have, I've had poop.
[770] Sure.
[771] And, like, slept over to this guy's place.
[772] I just started dating.
[773] wearing his boxers, he goes for a shower, and I do the test.
[774] I'm like, I'm just going to let one little, and it wasn't.
[775] It wasn't a poop, but there was something, clean -up mess in his boxers.
[776] And I was like, same thing.
[777] We're like, oh, my God, this is the worst.
[778] I'm in his apartment.
[779] I can't go anywhere.
[780] Yeah, that's horrifying.
[781] I was like, take off the boxers, put them in your bag, never.
[782] And the fact that I figured it out and that he never knew, I was like very proud of myself.
[783] Yes.
[784] And so that's what I mean.
[785] And it's shame and it's, you know, human.
[786] And that you're able to be like, I figured it out and like problem solved it without going into a bad behavior or other coping mechanism that would be negative.
[787] Like, you just figured it out.
[788] And that's what I mean by I'm proud.
[789] You survive.
[790] Yes.
[791] Poop emergencies are like throwups.
[792] There's this sense of like, oh, you know, I have to manage this and what am I going to do?
[793] And I think what people are able to do it.
[794] I think it's good.
[795] Okay.
[796] For some reason, this is weird.
[797] I am proud of you.
[798] About the boxer?
[799] Yes.
[800] Yeah, I think you handled that perfectly.
[801] Okay.
[802] I'm very sorry that happened to you.
[803] I'm excited that that happened.
[804] That's a great story.
[805] And it definitely makes me like you more.
[806] Anyway, I am proud of you for doing what you had to do in that moment.
[807] I do think that both of you are clearly wrong about opening the Coke model because both of you have made huge mistakes.
[808] So I would advise everyone listening to never test it.
[809] Can I defend us?
[810] Sure.
[811] Oh, I can't speak for a list.
[812] But I've cracked the Pepsi bottle in the three to 500 ,000 times in my life range.
[813] It only takes me one time.
[814] And I've had a few mix -ups.
[815] Those are outrageously good numbers.
[816] That's true.
[817] I agree.
[818] So it isn't a very effective technique.
[819] But you're right.
[820] Once every five years, you're hiding some boxers in your purse.
[821] What's 100 % is not doing that.
[822] But so what do you do if you have to, what do you have bodily to suck it back in?
[823] But then, like, you can do that to a certain extent, but it starts cramping.
[824] Listen, Monica doesn't know her privilege.
[825] This is one of the rare situations where Monica cannot own her privilege.
[826] For some reason, she doesn't have to fart as bad as the rest of the people do.
[827] And she's convinced herself it's willpower and integrity.
[828] That is exactly what it is.
[829] It is not about privilege.
[830] It's about my fucking hard work that I've worked to not.
[831] This is what white people think.
[832] They're like, I'll work my ass off.
[833] What do you mean?
[834] Of course I'm CEO.
[835] I'll work my ass off.
[836] Oh, my God.
[837] You have no idea what I've been through because I don't want to be excommunicated.
[838] Uh -huh.
[839] So I've never been allowed to fart.
[840] This is real.
[841] Will you acknowledge that you pee one -tenth the amount that normal people pee?
[842] Let's start there, something we can agree on.
[843] Wow.
[844] I'm so jealous.
[845] Okay, so anatomically, I don't know why.
[846] It's so curious.
[847] I do.
[848] I've also had many bladder infections.
[849] Like, it's to my detriment.
[850] It's not like my body.
[851] My mom used to tell me you need to pee.
[852] You need to force yourself to do that because I would get sick.
[853] But there's something about going to the bathroom or stuff that is embarrassing.
[854] I just was very scared of embarrassment.
[855] I would do any, obviously.
[856] Obviously with the people.
[857] in the bed.
[858] The hot dog.
[859] I would do absolutely anything to avoid something bad going on.
[860] And so that includes farts, pee, poops.
[861] Sneeze, cough.
[862] Honestly, yeah.
[863] It's your privilege that you're fucking farting everywhere and having no repercussions.
[864] What I know is that you're not fighting the same level of gas pressure that I am.
[865] I know it for sure because I am a strong person and I do have great will.
[866] I've demonstrated it.
[867] And I can't, when you have three gallons of air, trapped in your lower GI.
[868] What do you mean?
[869] Just deal with it.
[870] I don't think you think that if you farted, that you'd be excommunicated.
[871] I'm 100 % agreeing with you on the social pressures that you're under.
[872] Liz is under the same ones.
[873] She can't manage not letting some out, it sounds like.
[874] Liz is also not going to get excommunicated because she's so pretty.
[875] Well, this I disagree with you.
[876] I'm going to fundamentally disagree with you on that.
[877] Well, that's not what this podcast.
[878] is.
[879] Well, now it is.
[880] You're not here for you to disagree.
[881] It's, it's, it's not about that.
[882] I put on my white collar.
[883] So if you never fart it, like had an accidental fart?
[884] No. No, I have.
[885] I've known her for nine years, traveled the country, sit in a room with her six hours a day, five days a week.
[886] I've never heard or smelled a fart.
[887] I've encouraged her.
[888] I've begged her.
[889] I said it makes me very uncomfortable that you're uncomfortable.
[890] And we're best friends.
[891] So let's let it rip.
[892] I have had accidental farts in my life, though.
[893] In my life.
[894] In my life.
[895] And someone has heard it.
[896] Let's talk about this week.
[897] Oh, no. We're on Thursday.
[898] I've had 50 accidental farts since Monday.
[899] I mean, this is why I can't.
[900] Rob, how many accidental farts have you had?
[901] Be honest, since Monday.
[902] None.
[903] See?
[904] You guys should cohabitate.
[905] And Liz and I should move into an outhouse together.
[906] I know Rob is also afraid of getting excommunicated.
[907] I know that about his personality.
[908] Did you grow up in a family that farted?
[909] Like, There were no farts ever.
[910] My grandpa used to fart all the time because he had a gallbladder issue.
[911] He should have held it.
[912] You don't have your gallbladder removed?
[913] What I want you to do is treat me, what I want you to do is to treat me as if what I'm telling you is the truth and that the level of gas I have cannot be dealt with him in the manner you're dealing with it, which is ignoring it.
[914] That's not on the table for me. And I want you to accept that.
[915] Okay, but that is saying your truth is more honest than mine.
[916] No, no, I'm not telling you what your truth is.
[917] I'm telling you what mine is.
[918] Mine is there's no way they could be held in.
[919] You brought this up by saying that I have less of an ability.
[920] It wasn't about you.
[921] You made it about me. And I'm saying that's not true to me. I have worked on this skill.
[922] I believe you that you can't hold your farts and that you can't hold your farts.
[923] How have you worked on the skill for people who are listening who want?
[924] Thank you so much.
[925] What is the methodology?
[926] It's too late.
[927] you.
[928] It's too late for you.
[929] It's a lifetime worth of practice and clenching and being really uncomfortable.
[930] It hurts so bad, but then it goes away.
[931] No, it grows.
[932] It does.
[933] It hits a piece.
[934] And it yes.
[935] Yeah, there's like a sharp knife pain.
[936] If you ever had like it feels like someone who's put a fucking saver up your ass and like, ow.
[937] Yes.
[938] Yes.
[939] That is what it feels like that's correct.
[940] That's how you know what's working.
[941] Yes.
[942] And you sit through the pain and over time it will subside.
[943] I just don't think Where does it go, Monica?
[944] Is it reabsorbing to yourselves?
[945] Yes.
[946] Oh my God.
[947] So you have a ton of trap gas in your cells.
[948] Do you burp a lot, Liz?
[949] I don't actually.
[950] I don't, I can't burp.
[951] Yeah, same.
[952] I also don't really burp.
[953] I wish I could, though, because I feel like I have more farts because I can't burp.
[954] I feel like things only can come out one way.
[955] Okay.
[956] How about that?
[957] this.
[958] If there were an implant you could get, then it was very tasteful.
[959] And it was just a little port, tiny little guy.
[960] And it just let the pressure out before it went through everything else, which produces the odor.
[961] Because your burps don't smell like farts, let's be honest.
[962] It's the process of going through the whole intestines.
[963] So I wonder if we had a little top valve, just a little side port.
[964] Yeah.
[965] And you could just let it out.
[966] Would you be up for it?
[967] That would be so nice.
[968] You could just do it throughout the day before he gets, because you get bloated a lot?
[969] Sure, I feel some bloated.
[970] Yeah.
[971] You could just like preemptively, you know, oh, here we go again.
[972] And before you go to someone's house, also like sleepovers.
[973] Like a lot of these stories involve sleep because you could do it for a few hours.
[974] But after you've been with someone for many, at a certain point, it accumulates within you.
[975] Sure.
[976] What about in the middle of the night?
[977] So I have done that.
[978] Okay, at sleepovers.
[979] I wait until everyone's asleep.
[980] Okay.
[981] How do you know?
[982] And then.
[983] then you do fart whatever farts you have from the day.
[984] And you make it so that it doesn't smell by wrapping yourself so heavily in comforts.
[985] Hermetically sealing yourself with the blanket.
[986] Yes, you're trapping it.
[987] And then you're also spreading your butt cheeks.
[988] So it doesn't make a sound.
[989] Oh, so you got a lot going on it.
[990] So you're both tight in a swaddle, but somehow you're splating out your butt cheeks.
[991] You use your hand.
[992] You use your hand.
[993] So you're down and you're splitting.
[994] You're spreading your butt cheeks at a sleepover.
[995] This is what I used to do on sleepovers.
[996] I haven't had a sleepover in a long time.
[997] So if you were to stumble upon more than you bargained for, as Liz did and I did, you would really be in a pickle because you're spreading your butt cheeks.
[998] Yeah, it does a lot.
[999] If you get a surprise at that point, you're toast.
[1000] Yeah.
[1001] Wow.
[1002] That's never happened to me. And I know the difference between my poop and my fart.
[1003] I know what it feels like to have poop in there.
[1004] You're very dialed into it.
[1005] what's happening down there.
[1006] I am.
[1007] What I like to fantasize about that scene you just painted was I picture a little monica in bed at a sleepover and she might go, are you asleep?
[1008] Are you sleep?
[1009] Sarah.
[1010] Yeah, I'm awake.
[1011] No, no. Everyone's going to be asleep.
[1012] You ruined it.
[1013] I know, but I was done with this.
[1014] Sarah, you're like, it doesn't sound like that.
[1015] Well, of course it is because you spread your busts all the way wide open.
[1016] Yeah, but it doesn't even have that first sound.
[1017] Do you have anyone you will fart in front of, like your brother or Callie or Molly?
[1018] No. Not one person.
[1019] Do you feel embarrassed when you fart and you're alone?
[1020] Oh, great question.
[1021] Actually, I don't love it, but I do it.
[1022] I do do it.
[1023] I'm not so embarrassed that I won't do it.
[1024] I wish it wasn't happening.
[1025] Can I ask on an average evening at your home?
[1026] This has gone off the fucking rails.
[1027] We haven't even done any listener questions.
[1028] But hold on, I really do think it's important to establish baseline gas levels between the four.
[1029] of us.
[1030] On an average evening at home by yourself, you're making one of your great meals, you've got a chicken in the oven, you've brined something, things are being roasted and simmered.
[1031] On that evening, how many farts throughout the night?
[1032] At night?
[1033] From the time you walk in your door, you have your whole evening.
[1034] They don't ever happen until I'm in bed.
[1035] Oh, okay.
[1036] You're not.
[1037] This is the different.
[1038] There's something different going on with you.
[1039] I'm like Monica, though.
[1040] Yeah.
[1041] God, you guys, what's it like?
[1042] Dude, I'm fine on an average night.
[1043] Like, first of all, if you asked me that question, I'm like 12, 24.
[1044] A day.
[1045] For sure.
[1046] If I'm by myself and I'm cooking, I'm a little here, a little sit down, and I push a little a little bit, you know.
[1047] Oh, my.
[1048] Wow.
[1049] They're coming out, yes.
[1050] Certainly more than one an hour.
[1051] Can we call someone who's your height?
[1052] Oh, you think this might be height?
[1053] I'm curious.
[1054] Oh, that's interesting.
[1055] But Liz's tall.
[1056] I'm 5 '9.
[1057] Too tall.
[1058] That's too tall, yeah.
[1059] Maybe it's diet.
[1060] Hey, guys.
[1061] Now we're starting to victim shame.
[1062] I think.
[1063] You took us down this road.
[1064] I cannot feel bad for you even one iota.
[1065] You've done this.
[1066] Do you poop every day?
[1067] Yes, multiple times.
[1068] So that's normal.
[1069] So maybe that's why.
[1070] Maybe I'm just pooping more.
[1071] It comes out when you're pooping.
[1072] Maybe.
[1073] And morning, right?
[1074] You have a morning farts, Rob.
[1075] No. No, poop.
[1076] Oh, morning bowel movement.
[1077] Okay.
[1078] Morning BMM.
[1079] Yeah, yeah.
[1080] Well, I'm every morning as well, Liz.
[1081] Are you?
[1082] Depends.
[1083] Oh, you're not every day.
[1084] Yeah, I do.
[1085] You get nervous when you're going to travel.
[1086] I do, I do.
[1087] Tightened up a little bit.
[1088] And then wherever you're at in your opiate addiction, that obviously impacts things.
[1089] For sure.
[1090] A lot of variables.
[1091] Well, look, I guess this is how it shook out.
[1092] Two of us are fart monsters.
[1093] Maybe this is a representation of society.
[1094] Oh, that would be cool.
[1095] Maybe.
[1096] We'd have to do some polling.
[1097] We can do that.
[1098] That'd be funny.
[1099] Maybe we'd do it on Instagram.
[1100] Sound off in the comments.
[1101] And I want to make it.
[1102] Oh, that's a cool.
[1103] That's what you say?
[1104] Yeah.
[1105] I like that.
[1106] enough in the comments.
[1107] But I think we could make it least embarrassing as possible.
[1108] So I think in the comments, you would just say M &R, Monica and Rob, or you'd say L &D, and you're basically just declaring which version you are.
[1109] And then we can kind of go from there.
[1110] And tell us your height.
[1111] It tells us if you spread your butt cheeks open as far as you can while you're in a swaddled burrito.
[1112] Not as far as you can.
[1113] Okay.
[1114] It's a God.
[1115] All right.
[1116] Well, I was telling, before you got here, I was telling a very sad story about my dad.
[1117] I'm sorry.
[1118] Took a turn.
[1119] Now I really took a turn.
[1120] That was a good.
[1121] That was a good turn, though.
[1122] Let's get into a couple, because I've declared this show is going to be an hour and 15 minutes.
[1123] Well, I may leave you guys for this then.
[1124] You don't want to do this part?
[1125] Oh, well, I'll do one.
[1126] Yeah, yeah.
[1127] I just want to be pumping iron by 1030, so that I can fart.
[1128] I thought you were going to take another dog.
[1129] It made me poop my pants down.
[1130] there while I'm squatting.
[1131] Okay, let's do this one.
[1132] This is from Ariel or Ariel.
[1133] I'm a grown woman obsessing over a celebrity.
[1134] How do I stop?
[1135] Help.
[1136] Okay, so ever since I watched Wednesday, I've been obsessed just like Monica, but the obsession kind of grew and it became more about Jenna Ortega.
[1137] I have no idea why I, a happily married 31 -year -old woman, care about what a 20 -year -old actress is doing, but I can't stop listening to her interviews, watching her movies, and even going down some TikTok rabbit holes.
[1138] I feel like it's weird, but I can't seem to stop.
[1139] Am I a weirdo?
[1140] Help.
[1141] First of all, no, you're not a weirdo.
[1142] Or if you are, you're in good company with other weirdos.
[1143] Obviously, I have opinions on this because I go down so many.
[1144] You do too.
[1145] Yeah.
[1146] Who?
[1147] Very few select people.
[1148] Who's your most recent one?
[1149] I got a little obsessed with her, too, actually.
[1150] You did.
[1151] In a weird way.
[1152] She has a certain kind of way to, like, absorb you in.
[1153] and Ryan Gosling, particularly Ryan Rossing and Ryan Gosling.
[1154] And Ryan Rosling, his uncle.
[1155] He's not as known, but he's so obsessed with him.
[1156] No, like the Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling era, I've seen every photo.
[1157] Yeah, you sent me a video.
[1158] Yes, the MTV Award kiss that we found out that they were dating.
[1159] And like, I've gone down the rabbit hole, even though it happened 12 years ago at this point.
[1160] You revisit it sometimes.
[1161] Yeah, I revisit it.
[1162] It's like very calming to me. and soothing.
[1163] And I'm like, why am I watching this crusty video?
[1164] I have a theory about why it's getting worse.
[1165] You know, it's kind of been out there that like parasycial relationship.
[1166] Exactly.
[1167] We're spending more time away from our friends and our real life interactions.
[1168] And so these virtual connections just become that much more.
[1169] Like couples that you hardly know.
[1170] Yes.
[1171] You're like, they're not posting photos anymore.
[1172] I got to go on a deep dive and figure out what happened in their relationship, even though you don't know who they are or barely.
[1173] And you get very interested in people that you don't know.
[1174] And fantasy.
[1175] You project a lot onto these people about what your life could be like if they were in your life.
[1176] I think that's a big part of this sometimes is if I had their life or if I was somehow in their life, I would feel like this.
[1177] I would be so happy or I would get to have this banter with them or they're so funny.
[1178] I mean, look, I did this with Kristen.
[1179] And so I have a very full circle of having watched videos of her.
[1180] and was obsessed with Veronica Mars thinking, oh my gosh, I could be her best friend.
[1181] I know it because I understand her.
[1182] We're the same, like the way we talk.
[1183] And then that happened.
[1184] Then we had a real relationship, which is so different.
[1185] Turns out Kristen doesn't investigate a ton of crimes the way Veronica Mars did.
[1186] That's one of the immediate things you're a little bit struck by the fantasies.
[1187] Disappointed, yeah.
[1188] The show is the gateway.
[1189] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[1190] No, I'm just teasing.
[1191] I know what you mean.
[1192] Like Wednesday is the gateway for her for Jenna Ortega, and she's watching it, and she's imagining what her life would be.
[1193] This is subconscious, but it's imagining a life side by side, and it must be so good.
[1194] And, you know, the reality is it's not, but you can't know that.
[1195] You can't know that.
[1196] So I can't tell her to just say, well, I know that the reality wouldn't match up.
[1197] I think she has to do some practical things, like go to dinner with a friend.
[1198] Like if it's starting to get really deep, force yourself to have an actual connection with a person in your life as opposed to this kind of fake one.
[1199] I think first and foremost, it's an interesting question conceptually, which is what's the problem?
[1200] I think a big thing maybe is like, we are all prone to like, I'm doing this thing.
[1201] How do I stop?
[1202] Why am I doing it?
[1203] I was like, well, first of all, is there anything wrong with you doing that?
[1204] What's the objective wreckage from this obsession?
[1205] Are you not present when you're talking to your point?
[1206] partner.
[1207] Are you not present with your kids?
[1208] Are you distracted at work?
[1209] If these things are happening, then yeah, maybe this is something.
[1210] But also maybe lighten up on yourself.
[1211] Maybe it's fine that you daydream about this person.
[1212] You know, in AA, a common saying is like, find someone who's got what you want and ask them how they got it.
[1213] And that could be a million different things.
[1214] It could be being a good parent.
[1215] It could be that they have a cool car.
[1216] It could be that they're financially, whatever the thing is you want that someone has, ask them how they got it.
[1217] Learn from them.
[1218] Look, I got obsessed with Jen Artega, too.
[1219] I haven't requested someone.
[1220] from a TV show that I've watched in at least a year and a half to be on armchair expert.
[1221] And I came out.
[1222] I was like, we got to get this girl.
[1223] I'm obsessed.
[1224] She's such a wish fulfillment.
[1225] She seems to have zero codependency, which all of us carry a ton of.
[1226] Yeah.
[1227] So that's aspirational.
[1228] That's great.
[1229] That might be why you like her.
[1230] She moves through the world without saying sorry.
[1231] And she's driven and has purpose.
[1232] And she doesn't really give a fuck what the fallout from that is.
[1233] Maybe that's what you're obsessed with.
[1234] Maybe that is a great characteristic you need to be aiming for.
[1235] A lot of my thoughts would just be like, maybe don't worry so much that this is happening, unless there's actual discernible wreckage.
[1236] Well, she's saying I can't seem to stop, which means she has now found this to have been sort of out of her control.
[1237] And I know what that feels like.
[1238] That's living in fantasy land, which is a different thing than just admiring a person and wanting to know about a person and wanting traits of theirs.
[1239] There's a level of that.
[1240] It's all in the nuance, right?
[1241] It's like, when is it crossed the line into you're not living your life because you're living this fantasy life?
[1242] Yeah.
[1243] But a lot of us have a knee -jerk response to, I have this compulsion to do this.
[1244] So that must be bad.
[1245] Any compulsion to do something might be bad.
[1246] But then you also go, like, you got a lot of hours to fill in the day.
[1247] Some kind of compulsive thinking, if it's not about that, what's it going to be about food?
[1248] Is it going to be about your diet?
[1249] That's your brain.
[1250] Maybe it's a safe one.
[1251] I also trust that you know when something has gotten out of hand, even with Allison Roman, for me, with cooking videos.
[1252] Every now and then, I will have to take a second.
[1253] and say, this isn't very healthy.
[1254] Am I avoiding something?
[1255] I've been in this for too long.
[1256] I'm trying to escape something.
[1257] And to an extent, that's fine.
[1258] You can't let that get out of control because you do have to live in your reality.
[1259] Even with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McCallum's, there was a point where I was like, why is this so comforting to me?
[1260] And I was like, oh, because that's the kind of relationship I would want, this very raw.
[1261] And again, romanticized.
[1262] And I'm made up.
[1263] Made up from my perspective 100%.
[1264] Why is that a fantasy that I escape to?
[1265] What am I avoiding?
[1266] Being curious, actually, instead of indicting ourselves.
[1267] Yeah, judgmental of ourselves.
[1268] Yeah, I go to that so much and I'll just be like, oh, this is so bad that I'm doing this.
[1269] And I'm like, wait, what if I approach this just by asking questions as opposed to coming in with self -judgment?
[1270] Not only could she learn something about it, it doesn't mean that she'll stop necessarily or it'll dramatically decrease the amount of time as she spends doing it.
[1271] But at least she'll learn about herself through it.
[1272] Also, every now and then just reminding yourself, we're little monkeys on planet Earth wasting time until we're dead.
[1273] that's that.
[1274] There's no big moral force in the sky evaluating our every decision and levying a verdict of heedness, glutton, you know, whatever the seven deadly sins are.
[1275] I agree with all of this.
[1276] And I also think practically, if you feel like this is getting out of hand, I would connect with a real person.
[1277] Real social connection is scientifically better for you.
[1278] It's why friendships lead to longer lives.
[1279] Parassocial relationships don't lead to longer lives.
[1280] Real intimate relationships do.
[1281] So it is important to make sure that it's balanced.
[1282] Yeah.
[1283] All right.
[1284] Well, let's do one more or maybe two.
[1285] We'll see how fast we can get through.
[1286] This is from Corey.
[1287] What perspective advice can you give to a single dad re -entering the world of dating?
[1288] I'm a 31 -year -old father of an eight -year -old boy and move to a new state in order to continue to co -parent with my son's mother, now ex -wife.
[1289] It has been a challenge feeling comfortable in the dating world again, especially with a relatively older son given my age.
[1290] And a big challenge with that has been navigating emotional vulnerability with different women I've been romantically involved with.
[1291] While I understand having a child and not being married can easily lead to the question of, quote, what happened?
[1292] It's been hard to separate healthy emotional connection and trauma dumping at times.
[1293] What are some recommendations for navigating that well?
[1294] And what type of things are important for me to consider and understand from the point of view of a woman I enter into a romantic relationship with as a single dad?
[1295] Have you dated some single dads?
[1296] Oh, yeah.
[1297] Yeah, you kind of like single dads, don't you?
[1298] I love single dads.
[1299] I love a divorce dad.
[1300] I really, it was my best relationship.
[1301] Like, I was a little younger, like I was 31 or 30.
[1302] Our friend set us up.
[1303] I was like, oh, divorce, two kids.
[1304] Like, it was not like a turn on.
[1305] But at the time I was like, okay, I'll go on a date with him.
[1306] And it adds complications to a relationship for sure.
[1307] And like, there are a lot of other people in the relationship, you know, who are involved in the relationship.
[1308] But he was the most responsible, generous planner.
[1309] And he had two daughters.
[1310] There's just like another level of reflection and understanding and caring and even think like nurturing that comes with being a father.
[1311] Like there's something that's more important than you.
[1312] So not that all dads are necessarily perfect and don't have egos, but I think that there is like a little bit, not an ego death, but definitely like a knocking down of it.
[1313] And so I think it actually makes you appealing to women.
[1314] He's straight, right?
[1315] He's dating women.
[1316] And yeah, I view it as like a total plus.
[1317] Out of left field question.
[1318] Do you think it's possible that women who have a pattern of being attracted to people who are unavailable would naturally be drawn to a single father?
[1319] Because on some level, you know you're going to be second.
[1320] And so the challenge is kind of there.
[1321] The pattern is there.
[1322] I think that's an interesting thought about being in his shoes.
[1323] It's like trying to determine if the people that are attracted to you have that pattern.
[1324] And then how does that pattern ultimately always play?
[1325] play out for people that have that pattern.
[1326] Yeah, I do think that is a trap for a lot of people who are attracted to unavailability, but I wouldn't want him to enter every relationship worried about that.
[1327] I just think the simple fact that is you like a guy like this, he's going to tell you, oh, I can't see you on this weekend and that weekend on these days and that day because I have a kid and I'm not introducing the kid to anybody for at least a year and a half.
[1328] Right on the gate you're hearing like, well, there's some major boundaries here.
[1329] That's weirdly kind of.
[1330] of attractive, and it's weirdly, you can't have enough of the thing you want, which makes the person more attractive.
[1331] There's a lot of dynamics that go on in these.
[1332] I love that part.
[1333] There were like four days a week where we could be together.
[1334] And in three days where I was like at my apartment doing my own thing.
[1335] Because when you're in a relationship, you don't have the amount of time to just do whatever you want in the way that if you're waking up with someone, going to bed with someone, you're kind of like on the same flow.
[1336] So I enjoyed that part.
[1337] But we were committed and we truly loved each other.
[1338] And in the end, actually, I wanted more.
[1339] And it wasn't happening.
[1340] And so if I were him, I would want to be dating the person who has a very full life on their own so that on those days when I'm not available, they are enjoying that as well.
[1341] I don't know, like that's something I might be trying to screen for is like, oh, I want someone with a big old life of their own because I got this big old life of mine and let's have these four days or whatever it shakes out to be.
[1342] But is there a question in there, Monica, about something about emotional?
[1343] Yeah, he said it's been hard to separate healthy emotional connection and trauma dumping because people want to know like, oh, what happened?
[1344] Like you have this eight -year -old and he, I think, maybe is struggling with connecting and being vulnerable and open and honest without giving all this information.
[1345] And I think he can just have boundaries around that.
[1346] I think it's just knowing that if someone's really interested, this can happen over time.
[1347] It's not like on the first date, you have to divulge all of the information.
[1348] They're not entitled to that.
[1349] Exactly.
[1350] Vulnerability, right, is this buzzword.
[1351] I think it's great that we're all talking about it more.
[1352] but vulnerable really doesn't mean saying everything.
[1353] Yeah.
[1354] Because even like, I don't know if I want to talk about your ex -wife, like, on our first date anyways.
[1355] Right.
[1356] And maybe if it ends up coming up, I don't think that's an appropriate sort of time to be sharing all of this.
[1357] Like, you'd share it with a friend and talk about all of the difficulties.
[1358] Or maybe once you've been on more dates and you've established your connection more.
[1359] But yeah, I think it's weird we think we owe ever.
[1360] And if we're not sharing all this information, we're not being vulnerable.
[1361] And it's like, no, there's appropriate moments to share and appropriate information to be sharing with appropriate people.
[1362] Yeah, and I think if you're on a date with either someone who's recently divorced or has a kid, it's important for you to remember.
[1363] Just like if you went on a date with a single person, you wouldn't say, so tell me about your exes immediately.
[1364] Like, there's something about someone divorced or someone with a kid that you feel.
[1365] There must be some big story of why this ended.
[1366] And I feel like I'm allowed to know it immediately.
[1367] And that's not the case.
[1368] I would just also say, like, put yourself in the other person's shoes.
[1369] I had a girlfriend who talked about her ex -boyfriend nonstop.
[1370] And all I thought from that was like, oh, yeah, she very much is still in love this dude and is still processing and can't understand why they're not together.
[1371] There's nothing that makes me feel close or that she shared some intimate secret.
[1372] I'm just like, oh, she can't shut the fuck up about this guy.
[1373] Clearly, this is unresolved.
[1374] That to me is a red flag.
[1375] If you're on a date with someone, you can't shut the fuck up about your ex, I don't want to be on a date with that person.
[1376] Yeah.
[1377] You know, if that's what you're doing on first dates, maybe like, well, I guess to be fair to him, he didn't say first date.
[1378] So I think maybe it's in dating how to navigate this where your new dady is like, well, so what happened or like wants to know more?
[1379] I think you just have to have some sort of solid boundaries around it.
[1380] Totally.
[1381] I'll also add unsolicited advice is if I ask someone what happened, why did their nine -year relationship or their eight -year relationship or their two -year relationship dissolved, and they tell me all the things that the other person did, I don't want to be with that person.
[1382] That's a really good clue for me that they're not on the past.
[1383] of bettering themselves.
[1384] They're on the path of monitoring whatever everyone else does.
[1385] So again, if you find yourself going, well, she just was so unavailable emotionally and then she never, she always had this friendship with her boss that was like, oh, great.
[1386] So nothing.
[1387] You're clear on this.
[1388] You're 100%.
[1389] Yeah.
[1390] I think you should only want to hear what the other person did wrong and what they learned and what they're going to change.
[1391] That's the only thing that would interest me. I'm not dating the fucking ex.
[1392] Yes.
[1393] And that's interesting conversation too, right?
[1394] Because it's between you and me. There's not a third person at this date.
[1395] Yes, and vulnerability is saying what you did wrong.
[1396] Vulnerability isn't telling you how someone else harmed you.
[1397] It's admitting how you have harmed someone.
[1398] That's vulnerability because that's the part that could be ugly or unattractive.
[1399] And that's hot.
[1400] Yeah, I think so.
[1401] Find out a girl threw up some hot dogs or shit some boxers.
[1402] You're like, what are you doing next Wednesday?
[1403] Yeah.
[1404] Oh, man. Well, I think that's what we have time for today.
[1405] You guys, thanks for having me. That was very funny.
[1406] Glad you joined us.
[1407] I certainly think that this farting debate has some legs.
[1408] I don't think this is the last time you'll hear all of us.
[1409] It's going to be a lot in the comments.
[1410] It's only the beginning.
[1411] It's only the...
[1412] Oh, my God.
[1413] All right.
[1414] Well, this was super fun, and we'll be back next week.
[1415] Love you guys.