Jay Leno

[0] Hello, everybody.

[1] Welcome to our armchair expert.

[2] I'm Dan Smathers and Manika Badman is directly across from me and blue on blue.

[3] For usual.

[4] Beautiful sweater.

[5] Thank you.

[6] Deep blue.

[7] Light blue slack jeans.

[8] Mm -hmm.

[9] Denim dungarees.

[10] That's a good description, yeah.

[11] But you didn't say it's a turtleneck.

[12] Is it a turtleneck?

[13] Yes.

[14] It's a floppy turtle neck.

[15] It's not actually covering your neck.

[16] Oh, well, yeah, that's true.

[17] It's a deceased turtle.

[18] It's a flaccid turtle Before I tell you about our exciting guess I want to tell you that we are doing a show April 20th at the Lensick Performing Arts Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico It's going to be a very exciting show I love Santa Fe.

[19] Damn good eats up there in Santa Fe Oh, I'm excited.

[20] So if you come see the show, plan on carving out a little time to fill your gullet, tickets are going on sale tomorrow January 22nd at 10 a .m. low Local time.

[21] I don't even know what that means.

[22] Central, Eastern, Pacific.

[23] We don't know.

[24] Greenwich, mean Greenwich time.

[25] Mountain time.

[26] They are in the mountains.

[27] You'd think they'd be in mountain time.

[28] But, yeah, so you can get tickets.

[29] Go to our website, armchairexpertpod .com.

[30] And you can be directed to buy tickets for that.

[31] You know, today we've got a big dog, which I think was one of his monikers.

[32] Big dog.

[33] Yeah, I think in the 80s or 90s.

[34] Big Dog Garage maybe was one of his Oh okay Well he earned it He did Jay Leno You know one thing I think it comes up in the conversation But You're talking about a comedian That Dave Letterman Described as the best stand -up comedian Of that whole generation When he was performing He's just a powerhouse Yeah Yeah you kind of forget When you're sitting here like he's a legend Yes Yeah absolutely Absolutely.

[35] People were copying him.

[36] I mean, yeah, he's just a force to be wrecking with.

[37] He's also just a sweet guy.

[38] I think I first did his show to promote hit and run.

[39] He had seen it on his own and he wanted to help.

[40] He reached out to us.

[41] He's like, this is the kind of movies people should be trying to see.

[42] You made it yourself.

[43] So generous.

[44] Invited me to his garage, which of course is, if you're into cars.

[45] Mecca.

[46] It's Mecca.

[47] It's major mecca.

[48] Yeah.

[49] Horsepower heaven.

[50] So, without further ado, please enjoy Jay Leno.

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[52] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[53] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[54] First of all, I think we are on behalf of Rob and Monica and I, we feel like this is a really big get.

[55] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[56] Well, that showed you how small this.

[57] show it.

[58] No, no. This is a really big get, and you're crazy busy, and we're going to get into that.

[59] I would say an unhealthy clip you've been at for some time.

[60] Yeah, yeah, that couldn't get more Hollywood than that.

[61] You know, it's so funny.

[62] Where I grew up, I was the latest person anybody knew.

[63] Here, I'm like the hardest working person anybody knows.

[64] So it's just New England versus L .A. That's really all it is.

[65] Well, I'm from Detroit.

[66] We work kind of hard there.

[67] You're from Detroit.

[68] Oh, yeah, I'm from Detroit.

[69] You know that about me. Right, right.

[70] But I don't know that people realize this about you.

[71] I found this to be shocking that you do about 200 dates a year still.

[72] Or what are you down to now, 150?

[73] No, about 210 live shows a year.

[74] Yeah, that's about right.

[75] Yeah, but, you know, that's the only way you stay sharp.

[76] The stage is not a natural place to be.

[77] And if you don't do it on a regular basis, it becomes unnatural.

[78] If you do it every night and a chair falls over or somebody yells or something, when it's unfamiliar to you when something happens, it knocks you out of your rhythm.

[79] Uh -huh.

[80] You know, when I got started, I would practice my jokes at home and write a letter with my other, with my left hand to try and compartmentalize your mind.

[81] So you could talk and do something else at the same time.

[82] And that helps you add -lib.

[83] Because you get on stage, I'm looking at you, and I see Monica sitting over here, and I'm saying, what could I say about her?

[84] What could I say about it?

[85] As my act is coming out.

[86] So then what appears to be an ad -lib is not really an ad -lib.

[87] live, but slightly pre -written.

[88] Slightly pre -written.

[89] Yeah, yeah.

[90] Yeah.

[91] Now, when you say you were writing stuff down, how soon did that start?

[92] When you started writing comedy?

[93] Well, you know, I'm dyslexic, so I never really wrote anything down.

[94] Yeah.

[95] My attitude towards my career, the same attitude I had in school.

[96] I never studied, but I never skipped this class.

[97] Uh -huh.

[98] I never skipped a day of school.

[99] So I would just, if you're talking at me, I can absorb a lot.

[100] If I'm reading it, my mind, what's that a fly?

[101] I know, and I'm just watching the flush.

[102] But if I'm listening, oh, okay, that works better for me. Now, okay, great, because you and I share dyslexia in common, okay?

[103] And I know how bad they were at treating it in 1985.

[104] No, this is how you treated it when I was a kid.

[105] Hey, smart enough.

[106] Hey, smart enough.

[107] Hey, smart enough.

[108] Hey, smart enough.

[109] Hey, smart enough.

[110] Hey, smart enough.

[111] All right, I got, I got it.

[112] All right, yeah.

[113] Pay attention.

[114] Jay, come on.

[115] Yeah, that's what it is.

[116] Yeah, but what I have realized is a bit of an asset you develop with dyslexia is what you just mentioned, which is this incredible capacity for retaining things you hear orally or things you focus on.

[117] I meet an awful lot of, I get dyslexic parents.

[118] Oh, you're dyslexic.

[119] We have a kid.

[120] This is a little Timmy, whatever it is.

[121] And I always say, what's team interested in it?

[122] Well, he loves photography.

[123] And then he knows this.

[124] He knows every camera.

[125] He knows.

[126] And that's what people with dyslexia tend to do.

[127] They find something they like.

[128] And then they focus on it like a laser and they just stay there.

[129] Yeah.

[130] Sometimes, sometimes to the extent of everything else goes.

[131] away for the most part they do they they focus on something and become quite good at it well it's such a relief right to excel at anything right when in general most of the elementary experience is pretty rough yeah and you know anybody to focus on if you become an expert in one area you have a skill you're now something viable something you can sell because you know more than the other people about this yeah now did you did you feel stupid like did you didn't understand right that you had some physiological difference.

[132] No, I remember like I was in the fifth grade before I got glasses and people all say, oh, you see the man in the moon?

[133] Go, man in the moon, I would go outside and go, I see a good thing glowing.

[134] I don't know, what are people?

[135] People are crazy.

[136] What are they talking about man in the moon?

[137] And then, you know, my parents say, you know, we think you need glasses.

[138] Try the, oh, that's that man in the moon.

[139] Everybody's, oh, that's what they meant by that.

[140] You know, so you sort of go through life, you don't realize it.

[141] As you're saying that I'm panicking because I have no awareness that there's a man on the We need to stare at that moon.

[142] You never looked at them on the man. You don't see it so much in L .A. But back east where the sky is clear.

[143] In the northern latitude.

[144] Mavis?

[145] Well, let me see.

[146] Patch her in.

[147] Can I take this?

[148] Oh, please do.

[149] Oh, it really is Mavis.

[150] Yeah.

[151] This is so wonderful.

[152] We're about to learn how you get 30 years.

[153] Oh, did you just call me?

[154] I'm doing it.

[155] You get back, okay?

[156] Oh, yeah.

[157] I'm doing a podcast.

[158] I'll call you back since I finish.

[159] Okay.

[160] Okay, my back.

[161] Was that pre -planned?

[162] You don't at least appear to me to have the chip on your shoulder that I have, which is like I'm desperately trying to prove at any hour of the day that I'm smart.

[163] Well, it's probably not as obvious.

[164] I think when you're in the show, you sort of have a chip on your shoulder.

[165] I mean, when you're a kid, you can't remember every injustice, no matter how small.

[166] Sure.

[167] And you forgive, but you don't forget.

[168] Uh -huh.

[169] You know, you just, you know, my mother always said to me, you're going to have to work twice as hard as the other kids to get the same thing.

[170] And that always seemed like a viable solution to me. That always seemed fair.

[171] I remember I'd go to the improv in New York, you know, in the early days, and you'd line up at 6 o 'clock on Sunday night for a 10 or 11 o 'clock spot.

[172] And I would get in line, and inevitably three or four people in front of me, go, I'm out of here.

[173] And they'd walk away at 7 or 8.

[174] And I'd go, great, I'd just move up, you know.

[175] But I could stay there.

[176] I could sit there all night.

[177] waiting to do it whereas other people well i'm not waiting for this i'm better than i'm this yeah their ego starts talking yeah yeah and that's one thing i learned really on you know i'm a huge believer in low self -esteem yeah it's a great it's a great engine no it is a great engine because if you have low self -esteem you don't think you're the smartest person in the room and you're not always the first to talk so maybe a little list you know when i go somewhere i go let me look around this room okay okay that's Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[178] He's smarter than me. Right.

[179] Okay, the end of the couch, there's Anna Nicole Smith.

[180] Okay.

[181] I'll sit in the middle.

[182] Right.

[183] And see which, see which way this go.

[184] Identify the spectrum and find your...

[185] Yeah, yeah.

[186] And that's what I do.

[187] I never assume, well, I got this.

[188] You know, I don't.

[189] I never do.

[190] I always assume, like, well, Rogers, you're only as funny as your last joke.

[191] Let's see.

[192] I've done your show a couple times.

[193] Right.

[194] The Tonight Show.

[195] And then I also did your car show of Jay Leno's garage.

[196] That was good.

[197] Yeah.

[198] And then I went and hung out at your, you were gracious enough to invite me to your, yes, which is Macca for car nerds like us.

[199] So in those, I guess, that's really not a ton of exposure to you.

[200] But in those four short times, I've crafted some theories on you.

[201] Aha.

[202] All right, go ahead.

[203] This is my favorite thing to do.

[204] All right, let's say it.

[205] Did you see he's wearing your T -shirt?

[206] By the way, that was a total fucking coincidence.

[207] I wondered.

[208] I'm wearing a Leno's garage shirt.

[209] Oh, I didn't even see that.

[210] But this is great.

[211] I thought I was wearing his t -shirt.

[212] I went, I don't have a t -shirt.

[213] I didn't see that.

[214] Oh, just side note.

[215] When I went on Leno's garage, I wore denim on denim to match, Jay.

[216] You did.

[217] Yeah, it was like an homage to Jay.

[218] But, yeah, I woke up this morning.

[219] I put on this shirt, and then Monica reminded me while I was at my other job, hey, remember, we have Leno today.

[220] And then I was like, oh, how embarrassing I'm wearing his shirt.

[221] Oh, or how great.

[222] Yeah, yeah.

[223] I really wear it in real life quite often.

[224] That was my favorite thing in tonight show.

[225] We would do Jaywalking.

[226] Uh -huh.

[227] And a guy would have a shirt that says, Joe's garage or something.

[228] Yeah.

[229] And I go, I'll miss you.

[230] Have you ever been to Joe's garage?

[231] No. Do you know what that is?

[232] No, no. And I'd ask people questions.

[233] It was written right on the teeth.

[234] Do you know the address of where it is?

[235] I've never even heard of it.

[236] You know where Sonsa Street is?

[237] Well, did you look at you?

[238] Oh, I didn't realize.

[239] Yeah.

[240] I mean, it just happened all the time.

[241] Yeah.

[242] But you, okay, so here's one of my theories.

[243] All right.

[244] You're a very hard worker.

[245] Now, whether you want to downplay it and say that that's because you're from the East Coast or not, I think that's horseshit.

[246] I think we'd all agree.

[247] Also, you said something to me very interesting.

[248] I don't think I'm what we say, betraying your confidence.

[249] Oh, go ahead.

[250] You said you have a swimming pool you've never been in.

[251] Yeah, I really haven't, no. Right.

[252] I believe you.

[253] I went into it in 89 to fix the light.

[254] In 89.

[255] And I fixed the light.

[256] And once it was the light, no, you know what it is?

[257] Because I get to the, my house is in Beverly Hills, which is foolish enough.

[258] And I will walk towards the pool.

[259] And then I hear that Boston voice, what you, some kind of hat shit?

[260] What are you sitting in a pool all day?

[261] Is that what you're doing now?

[262] You got nothing to do?

[263] Well, you got nothing broken around here?

[264] No, I do.

[265] Well, you got nothing to fix?

[266] Where are you going to sit in the pool?

[267] What are you going to do?

[268] What are you going to do?

[269] You say you're in the pool.

[270] Now you're wet.

[271] Now what are you wet?

[272] And I get to the pool.

[273] Then you get to the pool.

[274] You know, there must be something I can do besides sit in the pool.

[275] No. I don't.

[276] Yeah, I haven't gone.

[277] I just feel too guilty.

[278] So there was that.

[279] And then another little clue to your psyche was, you said Mavis vacations often, what they're like girlfriends.

[280] or whatever.

[281] She travels.

[282] I shouldn't say vacations.

[283] She travels.

[284] She likes to go to you.

[285] I'll send her in a whole graduating class as long as I don't have to go.

[286] I mean, to me it's like a bad day at Disneyland.

[287] Oh, look at that.

[288] I remember going to Hawaii once, and I go on the beach, and it was 10 o 'clock.

[289] And I was on the beach about an hour and a half, maybe two hours.

[290] And I look, look, it's 10 after 10.

[291] My watch broke, and I'm tapping my watch.

[292] On the side of this guy, excuse me, sir.

[293] Do you know what time it is?

[294] He gets 10 after 10.

[295] You mean, I've only been here 10 minutes?

[296] I thought I was here like an hour.

[297] You meant, really?

[298] It's only 10 after 10.

[299] How long is this day here?

[300] And I came home the next day.

[301] You couldn't do it.

[302] No, it's, you know, huge enormous men bring you tiny drinks with umbrellas in a minute.

[303] It's an odd place.

[304] Yes, okay, okay.

[305] So we're getting into it.

[306] I quite often.

[307] Try to figure out at least.

[308] Why do the things I do?

[309] Why is my, why is my, why is my, why is?

[310] You and Seinfeld get along great that way, I bet.

[311] We do.

[312] Yeah, yeah.

[313] But you're here.

[314] So when I go on your show, we're going to look at cars, and we're going to think about identity a little bit.

[315] Seinfeld and I have a discussion all the time.

[316] There's no more fun place to be than on stage telling jokes.

[317] I mean, it's like the most fun job in the world.

[318] Totally agree.

[319] And when you're not doing that, you go, what am I doing here?

[320] I could be doing that.

[321] It's also that low self -esteem thing.

[322] You go, what am I doing on a Tuesday that's worth 100 grand?

[323] Yes.

[324] Listen, I hear you.

[325] But here's my question.

[326] so we all have our identity right even you j have yours yeah and you have like i don't know three things you think are good qualities you have that maybe why why mabas has been with you for 38 years i have my list of things i think are good about myself we have a lot in common yes we're both monogamous yes you know i always see people marriages so hard i'm saying you know if you don't school around it's really not hard at all well women tend to be very loyal creatures for the most part That's the ones I've dated.

[327] Uh -huh.

[328] And unless you screw it up some way, it's usually pretty good.

[329] I'm not, I don't mean in a, in a, sexist way.

[330] No, I don't think you're being sexist.

[331] And I envy that.

[332] I really envy that.

[333] But Bell and I, Kristen and I require a pretty daily dialogue to keep it humming smoothly.

[334] Yeah.

[335] Now, granted, we're both crazy busy and she's doing a lot of things.

[336] We have two little kids.

[337] It requires a shitload of maintenance as much as an Italian car.

[338] But it's not that much.

[339] Is it really that hard?

[340] It's not really that hard.

[341] If I wanted to be good, yes.

[342] Now, we can coexist.

[343] I could definitely just coexist with her and be like, yeah, we're in this together.

[344] We're raising these kids as long as they're doing...

[345] Well, no, that's not any good.

[346] Yeah, so for it to be plugged in...

[347] Well, you know what I mean?

[348] My favorite thing, I always meet these guys and go, I met this girl, man. Oh, she's like crazy.

[349] The sex is unbelievable.

[350] They go on and on.

[351] And I go, okay, here's the downside.

[352] Okay.

[353] Sex with crazy girls is great.

[354] But when the sex is over, they're still crazy.

[355] Right.

[356] The sex goes away with the crazy doesn't you.

[357] Now you have 23 hours more of craziness before the good crazy part comes again.

[358] Yes.

[359] But if you ever had a moment where you said yourself, okay, these top three things, I think, are good qualities of mine.

[360] Maybe I've missed, maybe I've misdiagnosed him.

[361] I can give you an example to get the ball rolling.

[362] Yeah, go ahead.

[363] Where I'm from, in the childhood I had, being someone that would stand up to guys was a, was a good quality to me like the bullies or something yeah or just my group of four friends is out another group of four friends i'm going to fight with you i'm not running i'm going to be there that's an important thing i live in los angeles there's no reason to be this way anymore yet i continue to be that way for 25 years and i really still think in my head oh my what my wife likes about me one of the things she likes about me is that i will protect her if the shit hits the fan and what she had to tell me was i don't like it i actually feel more in danger when you're around because you're ready to go to that place with people.

[364] And I actually don't feel safe.

[365] Right.

[366] And I had to go like, oh, wow.

[367] Okay, so I'm slightly wrong about that.

[368] Me thinking I'm a great driver.

[369] I would actually say that that's something people would listen to the top three.

[370] These are crazy thoughts that you have, right?

[371] Yeah, yeah.

[372] You know, race car driving is like sex.

[373] All men think they're good at it, but they're really not.

[374] They're really not.

[375] Oh, dare you.

[376] You don't have to talk to the other person.

[377] Yeah.

[378] But, okay, so now I'm honing in back to you.

[379] All right.

[380] So, yes, it's important, I think it's important for people to know about you that you're a hard worker, that you wouldn't lounge about in your pool.

[381] And I want to know what part of that is, your mom's from Scotland, right?

[382] She came when she was 11.

[383] Well, my parents grew up during the Depression.

[384] There you go.

[385] I come of a very old family.

[386] My grandfather was born in 1857.

[387] Wow.

[388] He was born before the Civil War.

[389] He was born before the Civil War.

[390] Yeah.

[391] Okay.

[392] My dad was born in 1910.

[393] So everything was the Depression.

[394] and it was this and was that, you know, we have a letter from the black hand, which was the precursor to the mafia.

[395] Is he Sicilian?

[396] No, Napolitown.

[397] Oh, okay.

[398] It was there.

[399] He had a vegetable cart and they wanted money.

[400] And I mean, it's just like, you know, when my grandfather came here, Italians were classified as non -whites, so they were put in this category.

[401] In fact, my grandfather, I showed me an awkward once about against, railing against Italians.

[402] Somebody had written, if Italians keep emigrating this country in 50 years, we'll all be eating pizza.

[403] And that was the other thing.

[404] And I went, well, yeah.

[405] But see, I like that about America.

[406] Like, salsa just past ketchup is the biggest condiment.

[407] Sure.

[408] But that was, so what?

[409] Who cares?

[410] Yeah.

[411] People think salsa's American now.

[412] And if you come from Mexico, you meet American salsa, it doesn't take anything like your salsa.

[413] Yeah.

[414] So it's just, it's good.

[415] It's a big melting pot.

[416] What's funny, though, is their fear was real.

[417] It really panned out.

[418] Yeah.

[419] We are all eating pizza.

[420] That's for a certain.

[421] Yeah, except Papa Johns.

[422] But yeah.

[423] Yeah, yeah.

[424] But yeah, dad is first generation from Italy, and mom is really from Scotland.

[425] My mom is from Scotland, yeah, yeah.

[426] So there's a double, there's about a triple whammy there, because you have the Depression, and you also have first generation, the work ethic, the make it in this place.

[427] All that stuff is really present in your childhood.

[428] Yeah, it is.

[429] And I, but to me, I think that's good.

[430] I remember once we were jaywalking once, and we knocked on a house, and the grandfather answered the door, spoke no English, Spanish.

[431] Then he got the son who spoke Spanish and English and then his grandson who's a teenage comes over he's got a Simpson kind of pork pie hat with FU something on the T -shirt and I go just to watch it degenerate you know down to you know everybody becomes Americans when you come here your hamburgers and pizza French fries and whatever it is and it just so you always need that influx of sort of work ethic to take over from the next, you know?

[432] Yes.

[433] But what part of it?

[434] So I think that that's clear in the ingredients of Jay, but then what part of it is, do you have any embarrassment or shame about the fact that you make a living just being funny?

[435] Is there some element that you feel like, well, okay, that's kind of embarrassing.

[436] I do that to make money.

[437] So I'm going to do it a shitload to make up for that, to prove well, but I'm still working my ass off.

[438] Is that?

[439] Yeah, I think that so.

[440] I mean, I think it's, you know, I remember Alan King used to do a bit about that, about exhaustion is a rich man's disease.

[441] Oh, Larry's exhausted.

[442] Oh, me, he's working in the office all day.

[443] Ooh, he's exhausted.

[444] Meanwhile, a guy digging a coal mine, boss, can I put him?

[445] Get to that hole, you son of a bitch, get him back on the hole.

[446] Get back to work, you know, because he can't be exhausted.

[447] But the guy who just sits at a computer, oh, I'm exhausted.

[448] I can't, I got to lie down.

[449] But the guy down there digging a hole in a coal mine all day now.

[450] No, no, he can't afford to be exhausted.

[451] So, yeah, it is a rich man's disease.

[452] It's a first world problem.

[453] You know, to me, the best people in show business ones that never complain, never complain, never explain.

[454] You know, that's what it is.

[455] Wait, and how's the never explain work?

[456] I just don't complain and don't explain.

[457] You know, you got to, no, I don't have any problems.

[458] I'm fine.

[459] Oh, okay.

[460] You just, yeah, I just go through life.

[461] Because to me, rich people don't have any problems.

[462] I'm sorry.

[463] I know that sounds weird.

[464] Uh -huh.

[465] But most people's problems could probably be handled by having a mortgage paid or something rather.

[466] Like in my house, I'm like a big shot.

[467] When I go back home, oh, no, no, Jay gets the big meatball.

[468] No, Jay gets a big meatball because he put the roof on Uncle Louis's house and he paid the kids college and he said, so Jay gets the big meatball, okay, but I get the, I get the big meatball.

[469] And, you know, and it's good.

[470] It's fine.

[471] And I like that.

[472] It's fun to be in that position.

[473] Yeah.

[474] Jay gets the big meatball.

[475] I do, I do get the big meatball.

[476] You've earned the big meatball.

[477] Oh, yeah, when you go back to my, because, you know, I mean, it was not.

[478] something funny when I was a kid between the Scotch and the Italian.

[479] Like, I'd go to my Aunt Nettie's house, that was my mother's sister.

[480] Would you like a scorn, Jamie?

[481] And she'd give me a stale biscuit and a warm Coke.

[482] And she'd say, you know, Jamie, you don't need to keep the Coca -Cola in the refrigerator.

[483] It tastes the same.

[484] It costs money to keep it cold, but it tastes the same.

[485] And she'd pour it warm and all the fizz would come out of it, you know.

[486] And then she'd give me the stale biscuit.

[487] And then on Sundays we go to the Italian side of the family, and there'd be way more food.

[488] Yeah.

[489] And my Aunt Nettie goes, Jamie, look at the way.

[490] waste, Jimmy.

[491] There's eight people.

[492] There must be 30 meatballs.

[493] Jamie, it's a waste.

[494] The way the Italian people, they waste food, Jimmy.

[495] They're just cooking.

[496] They throw it away.

[497] They couldn't be damned.

[498] And just to watch them argue back and forward was always made me laugh.

[499] Yeah, okay, but now I'm going to disagree with you on one thing.

[500] I'm going to yeah.

[501] So I was dead penniless for 10 years living in L .A. Before I started working as an actor.

[502] So was I. Okay.

[503] It wasn't worse.

[504] Like you say if you're rich, you don't have problems.

[505] But I go, That's kind of horseshit, and that's kind of the fantasy we're selling.

[506] But I don't mind saying...

[507] Well, here's my problem.

[508] It's awesome not to worry about my kids' medical bills or the price of gas.

[509] That fucking rules.

[510] And if I want to order pizza, I don't even think about it.

[511] That's great, great, great.

[512] But in general, my level of overall anxiety or how much I obsess about things, that didn't really change with money.

[513] Didn't fix that for me. It did.

[514] So, yeah, it does.

[515] Okay.

[516] And when you live in this town, you get a rather...

[517] This is why you really need to go out and if the real...

[518] real world and see what real people do and it makes you appreciate it you know i remember i was not long ago i was talking to a girl i went to high school with i hadn't talked to in years hey hey don't i call up just a mutual friend with and and i said well you sound like getting a good mood once up she goes i'm in a good mood i got a raise i said oh what you get she goes a thousand bucks and i went cool and i went a week she went no you asshole i mean i mean because it's show business you know show me oh you're getting the extra three grand a week Well, you think like that.

[519] You don't think the way real people say, and it's just, and I realize, oh, I don't always sound like such an asshole.

[520] I didn't, I didn't mean.

[521] But, you know, when you talk to Seinfeld, do you talk to you?

[522] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[523] Somebody in TV show and they get a raise.

[524] You get a raise in thousands, not hundreds, or not 10.

[525] And you're actually negotiating your per week fee, or per episode fee.

[526] So it actually, yeah, yeah, it makes sense to us.

[527] Yeah, yeah.

[528] But, yeah, do you feel guilt about that?

[529] Like, Kristen feels a good amount of guilt about that.

[530] I mean, I do a lot.

[531] I have a lot of foundations.

[532] I have a lot of charity things and a lot of kids to college, do stuff like that.

[533] Yeah.

[534] I mean, that's great fun.

[535] And that really, you know, it really does make you feel good.

[536] Sure.

[537] You know, when you can pay for a kid's college education, go, here you go.

[538] Yeah.

[539] And you realize when I was a kid, there was probably student debt.

[540] I didn't know any, not like now.

[541] No, no, yeah.

[542] I mean, 40 -year -old guys that owe $100 ,000.

[543] Oh.

[544] And they go, when did that, when I went to college.

[545] You went to Emerson.

[546] And, yeah, what was tuition a year at Emerson?

[547] It was, well, if you lived in the dorm, it was five grand a year back.

[548] Okay.

[549] Even I went to UCLA and graduated in 2000, and mine was $3 ,800 a year for my tuition.

[550] And now I hear the USC, I think, is $60 ,000 a year or something.

[551] It's like crazy.

[552] Who the fucking send their kid to school?

[553] That's right.

[554] That's crazy.

[555] Exactly.

[556] Yeah, I don't feel guilt about it because I go, it's a crazy big risk.

[557] It's an incredible gamble to pursue stand -up comedy, show business in general.

[558] It is.

[559] It is.

[560] The odds are such that.

[561] you know, if you make it, it is like playing the lottery.

[562] So I kind of feel like the pay should be commensurate with the crazy risk.

[563] Because I was certainly, I had a college degree.

[564] Friends of mine were buying ski boats and shit and cabins up north.

[565] Right, right.

[566] And I'm in a one -bedroom apartment with cockroaches in Santa Monica.

[567] I'm like, this is maybe not going to work out.

[568] The scam was not going to work out.

[569] Hey, I got arrested twice with vagrancy.

[570] Did you really?

[571] Yeah, up on Hollywood Boulevard.

[572] The cops had seen me go, hey, come here.

[573] You got a place to live yet?

[574] Well, I'm not get in the back.

[575] And they put me back to the police car and they drive around.

[576] until their shift ended at like six or five -thirty.

[577] And I would get out of the car and walk around Hollywood Boulevard again.

[578] I mean, they're always very nice to me. Sure.

[579] I would just tell them jokes and stuff.

[580] And the cops weren't roused in me. They were just, what are you doing?

[581] I'd get in the back.

[582] Yeah.

[583] I knew jokes.

[584] So I always would try to have some kind of jokes.

[585] That's the kid's kind of funny, you know.

[586] And they were always okay to me. Yeah.

[587] In fact, my star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame is where I got picked up twice.

[588] Oh, that's serendipitous.

[589] Yeah.

[590] Okay.

[591] So you go through school as a dislover.

[592] like that's not easy and what kid are you in high school like what strad are you in like are you liked are you like i got funniest kid in class okay kind of stuff yeah i was like that i wasn't a mean kid you know what i finally realized i don't have to apologize but not being the pissed off angry comic i'm not i'm not angry i'm not an angry guy but you feel like oh you have to attend because you know all comedians like to feel like have some sort of open wound that the audience can see and they're doing this in spite of that.

[593] But you realize that's just a crutch because that's what you use.

[594] You say, well, I was funny and I was high the whole time and I was funny because they don't want to deal with the real them.

[595] So they perform drunk or they perform high.

[596] Or they have some sort of anxiety or relationship.

[597] Something that's keeping them from being the best that they can be, not realizing this is the best that they can be.

[598] You know, and I realized I used to try and work as if I had that, but I don't.

[599] What I love about you is you and my mom are roughly the same age.

[600] Okay.

[601] You're from a different generation than I am.

[602] And I love a lot of your, you can just get over yourself and fucking make the jokes and be doing it.

[603] I like it.

[604] Right joke, tell joke, get check.

[605] That's what it is.

[606] I joke, tell joke, get checked.

[607] I like it.

[608] But at the same time, there's causality for everything, right?

[609] So one thing is you probably just you were born quickwitted or whatever.

[610] You had some peculiar point of view.

[611] that made your observations funny in original to people that heard them.

[612] But also, you wanted some attention for whatever reason.

[613] There's got to be a reason, right?

[614] We'd be funny to get attention.

[615] I think all comics can remember stuff they said that got a reaction.

[616] And that's why you're able to remember an act.

[617] You don't remember the stuff that wasn't funny.

[618] I mean, my first recollection of that was I was four or five, and my mother took me to some, oh some ladies my aunts or something were having a tea and we went to this apartment in Brooklyn I'm riding the elevator and I'm sitting there and there's like five or six women and you know they're drinking wine and oh giggling away you know and as watching these women I asked what I thought was a reasonable question I said mom why do women all have humps like camels why kitty that son of you are the I thought what what I said what I just remember speaking again this oh my god did you hear what's a little And they just went on and on with it.

[619] And I went, oh, well, this is, I did something.

[620] What did I say?

[621] I tried to figure out what I said that got a reaction, you know.

[622] Yeah.

[623] And the next time it happened was in the fourth grade is in Mrs. Allen's class.

[624] And I remember she was talking about the sheriff of Nottingham and how cruelly was.

[625] And she would often take, when they caught Robin Hood's men, they would boil in an oil.

[626] And I put my hand up.

[627] And I said, you know why?

[628] She did that to tuck.

[629] And she said, no, why?

[630] Because he was a friar.

[631] All right, all right.

[632] And as she was scolding me, I could see her kind of smiling.

[633] You know, I went, oh, no, I think she liked it.

[634] And then later in the hall, I was walking down the hall and one of the other things.

[635] She said, Jay, come here.

[636] Miss Allen, would you say Ms. Allen's class?

[637] Well, something, what's the friar talk?

[638] I said, oh, yeah.

[639] I went, oh, oh, she told somebody else.

[640] Yeah.

[641] Oh, my joke.

[642] And school.

[643] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[644] And then I learned very quickly in the fifth grade talent show.

[645] I think it was me and I think it was Joel Vist.

[646] I wrapped him in bandages, head to toe.

[647] Joel Fistusha.

[648] He was wrapped in bandages, head to toe.

[649] This is such a New York name, by the way, and I wheeled him in on a hand cart, and he had 2000 BC.

[650] He was a mummy.

[651] And I had a plant in the audience say, what's that number on his chest?

[652] I go, oh, that's a license number with a truck that hit him.

[653] Okay, so I got a big laugh, and then I realized, I got nothing else.

[654] Now we're there.

[655] Prop, prop joke.

[656] Now he's there, and he's wrapped in the moment.

[657] And I realize, okay, no more prop comedy.

[658] Because I got, I'm stuck.

[659] And now I got a guy dressed with the mummy in a hand cart.

[660] You got to get him off the stage somehow.

[661] Or you have some guy with it.

[662] That's all I had, the one job.

[663] The frontest row seat of all time.

[664] That was the end of that, yeah.

[665] What a tremendous memory.

[666] You can remember her names?

[667] His mom is the same way.

[668] My mom, I interviewed my mom in here.

[669] And she knows, I swear she knows every single student's name she went to school.

[670] It's incredible.

[671] You know who she had interviewed was Mary Lou Hanner.

[672] Oh, I know about her.

[673] She has super memory.

[674] Super memory.

[675] She was on 60 minutes.

[676] They profiled it.

[677] Yeah.

[678] There's a handful of people.

[679] We went out for a while.

[680] She can tell you the way to name what we had for dinner, how much the check was.

[681] I mean, if you said to her July 13th, 16, 18, Friday.

[682] I mean, she can tell you the weather.

[683] Oh, yeah.

[684] She's really smart.

[685] And the cool thing about that segment was they had like five or six people that had that.

[686] And what they found is the area of the brain that is responsible for that is also where OCD lives.

[687] So all those people that have that are also OCD.

[688] So Mary Lou talked about her closet and the way her shoes are organized and everything in her life is meticulous.

[689] Interesting.

[690] Yeah, it's fascinating.

[691] It's funny.

[692] So you were likable.

[693] And did you also find being funny is it's a great way to start chatting with gals, right?

[694] Yeah, I think so.

[695] I never.

[696] You didn't like girls?

[697] I like girls.

[698] Oh, okay.

[699] But I always found that kindness worked.

[700] I always found that kindness worked.

[701] Uh -huh.

[702] I never got, you know, they call seven the age of reason because it is the age of reason.

[703] Every kid I knew who was a bully at seven is still kind of a bully.

[704] Okay.

[705] Everybody who is shy at seven is still kind of.

[706] I mean, everybody, you know, the kids that were shooting BB guns at birds when I was seven, I didn't want to shoot birds.

[707] Why am I shooting birds of BB guns?

[708] I don't want to.

[709] And I remember getting picked on for not wanting to do that.

[710] Yeah.

[711] And then those guys are still doing the equivalent.

[712] But, I mean, so it doesn't really change.

[713] I agree, though, but did you find, I wonder, because you and I have similar hobbies.

[714] So I often am in situations where it's like, huh, I love this thing, and yet these aren't my people.

[715] Does that make any sense?

[716] Yes, it makes perfect sense.

[717] But that's because, as a comedian, you're an observer.

[718] I don't do anything that's show business.

[719] I don't drink.

[720] I don't smoke.

[721] I don't do drugs.

[722] I don't screw around.

[723] But I am amused by people who do.

[724] Stay tuned for more Armchair expert.

[725] If you did.

[726] What's up, guys, this your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[727] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[728] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[729] And I don't mean just friends.

[730] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[731] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[732] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[733] We've all been there.

[734] internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[735] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[736] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated.

[737] Or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[738] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[739] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[740] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[741] Follow Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[742] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon music.

[743] So having Charlie Sheen on the show was always very funny to me, because I don't want to be Charlie Sheen.

[744] I met one time I, Charlie, I was talking to Charlie.

[745] He just said, I like Coke and Hook.

[746] And the audience applauded.

[747] I went, what are you applauding for?

[748] I realized they're applying just because he was so honest.

[749] Yes.

[750] You got to applaud honesty.

[751] You just applauded honesty.

[752] And I said to myself, you know, every time a group of hookers would push one of Charlie's Mercedes bends off the mullo and drive and go down the hill, you know, go down the cliff.

[753] It always used to make me laugh.

[754] I don't want to be that person, but I enjoy.

[755] It's an amazing bonfire to sit next to him.

[756] I enjoy observing it.

[757] I didn't fit in here.

[758] And I didn't fit in there.

[759] But then I like not fitting in anywhere.

[760] I like observing it.

[761] For example, I am not religious at all, but I like religious people because they seem to have a center and it works for them.

[762] And that's okay.

[763] And like I said, I don't drink, I don't smoke.

[764] So we have something in common.

[765] Sure.

[766] And plus when you work, when you're in a business like showbins, there's something people think you're good and some people think you suck.

[767] And they're both correct.

[768] But when you take something that's broken and you feel.

[769] fix it nobody can say it's not running maybe that car you brought here that didn't run we turn the key okay you can't say it's not running i'm wondering if you were and again you this is not for you you and jerry i admire both yeah have you ever been curious why you were drawn the car so much because i feel like for me personally i have figured out my why i enjoy in fact when i was doing your show i think i tried to get you to go down this road with me what was that i'm a control freak i want to control everything.

[770] And again, probably because of my childhood, there were a lot of elements I couldn't control.

[771] And then I found this thing like, as to your point, if you take this piece of the engine off and you put it back on correctly and you put a new part on, it's going to work.

[772] Right.

[773] I find that deeply satisfying that it's a little realm that does abide by all these laws of physics.

[774] An engine needs compression, spark, or fuel, and air, and if it, you know, they start going through the checklist.

[775] I love that.

[776] Well, plus I like the fact that doing two things at once.

[777] Like to me, moving and eating at the same time, that's fabulous.

[778] You're in a car, but eating in a car while you're moving.

[779] When I was a kid, there was nothing greater than we go to McDonald's and then I'll go, pull away dad, and then I'd be eating as we're, so I always feel like I'm doing two things at once.

[780] I'm eating and moving.

[781] So I'm accomplishing two things at the same time.

[782] Yeah, like when I fly, I read a book or I write.

[783] And I go, good, I'm stuck here and I'm doing something while I'm going somewhere.

[784] So I'm actually accomplishing things are happening.

[785] but I'm not just a slug I'm not just lying here like a puddle I'm actually accomplishing something I'm doing something but when did you fall in love with cars do you remember what age?

[786] Oh since I was a little kid I remember my uncle was a I had my cousin married a guy who was a cop and he came over and he had a 56 Harley Panhead I was six years old and it was that one with a two -tone windshield and on the windshield there was one of those you know those girl air fresheners They used to have where the girls It wasn't a bikini It was like a two -piece bathing suit And maybe there was You could see her belly button Yeah So I went over to look at my mother Say get away from that Get away from that And I said, I'm just, I don't want Never mind look at that I'm not trying to look at the bike So I was always fascinated by Hurley's From that point on Don't look at that one with the camels on it Yeah and I wasn't looking at the one I was trying to look at the motorcycle Did your dad have a cool car ever?

[787] I came home from the hospital In a 59 Plymouth Then we bought a 57 Plymouth Fury, black and white, a crab tree motors in New York.

[788] Then we bought a 64 Ford.

[789] The salesman's name was Tom Lawrence, Shawsheen Motors.

[790] And then we trade that in on a 66 Ford from Tom Lawrence again.

[791] We go into the Ford dealership after buying the 64 galaxy.

[792] We're going to get a 66 galaxy.

[793] And it's all fairlings and Falcons.

[794] My father's, where's a full -sized car?

[795] We don't have a lot.

[796] Let's go to the Chevy.

[797] Oh, Mr. Loney, you can order a car.

[798] I'll take four to six weeks.

[799] I said, pop, let's order a car, you know?

[800] Somebody down, so, I I don't know.

[801] I'm going to order the car.

[802] I get the galaxy like you got the new.

[803] Give a new version of this.

[804] So I said to my mom, can I order the engine?

[805] And my mother said, oh, let the boy order the engine.

[806] What difference does it make?

[807] I said, okay, so I had what I watched.

[808] I took Tom Lawrence aside.

[809] I said, okay, we want the 7 -liter galaxy with the police pursuit package.

[810] I want the muffler delete option.

[811] I want the C -6 automatic with the bucket seats.

[812] I couldn't get my dad to get a step.

[813] What is it, a 409 in that car?

[814] No, no, no, no, a 428.

[815] Oh, 428?

[816] Yeah, Ford, yes.

[817] So my father said, what do I sign?

[818] Just sign here, Bob.

[819] He signs the thing, you're fine.

[820] About six weeks later.

[821] All your cars in.

[822] We grew up, we grew up town.

[823] New driver up to get the car.

[824] I go.

[825] Buckets.

[826] Bucket seats!

[827] What the hell is this?

[828] With the bucket seats?

[829] No, that's the way they come.

[830] Oh, jeez, I don't want buckets.

[831] Oh, for Christ's sake.

[832] All right.

[833] So my dad gets a car.

[834] He turns a key.

[835] He goes, Whingga!

[836] There's a hole in the goddamn muffler.

[837] It's a brand new car with a hole in the...

[838] No, Mr. Lerloin, Mr. Lennon.

[839] You ordered the muffler.

[840] Wait, what the hell?

[841] What are you doing muffler delete?

[842] Look, you checked muffler delete?

[843] And my father looks at.

[844] Okay, and he goes, police pursuit package.

[845] What the hell is that?

[846] Now he's all pissed off.

[847] He goes off a crusade.

[848] Get in a goddamn car.

[849] So my mother gets in the car.

[850] I get in the back, you know.

[851] My father gets in, he tarts the car, and he puts it in driving.

[852] He just steps on the guy.

[853] And he goes, it's a goddamn rocket ship.

[854] The thing that's the hell to my fire!

[855] You know what I'm just screaming.

[856] He's just screaming me all the way home, right?

[857] So let's just speak to me for like a week.

[858] And then he just gave me the cold show, you know.

[859] About about a month later, I'm in his bedroom and in my parents' room looking for something.

[860] And I see my father got a ticket for going 110.

[861] Oh, wow.

[862] And it turned out he was the coolest guy at the office because he was the manager.

[863] And now he had the fastest car.

[864] So when they went to lunch, oh, everybody wanted to go with Mr. Leno because he had the fastest car.

[865] So he got nailed one day for 110.

[866] So it was kind of funny.

[867] So after that, he liked it after that.

[868] Do you have that car?

[869] I wrapped that one around a tree.

[870] Oh, you did?

[871] But I, but when you came to my garage, you saw my maroon 7 -liter, 6 ,6 galaxy with the 511 Roush motor in it and six -speed manual.

[872] Yeah, yeah.

[873] Yeah, that's a sick machine.

[874] Yeah, it's fabulous.

[875] So I brought my friend Tom Hansen to your garage.

[876] Yeah.

[877] And Tom Hansen is a bona fide encyclopedia of cars and bicycles and motorcycles.

[878] Right, right.

[879] Same age as you.

[880] Right.

[881] Mostly foreign cars he's collected over the years.

[882] But I generally with him, I can talk.

[883] about 70 % of the way there.

[884] And then he loses me at some single barrel carburetor that was on a Ferrari or something.

[885] I don't think forever came with a single barrel carburetor.

[886] No, many single barrel carbure.

[887] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[888] Right, some of those had a...

[889] Oh, it was two barrels.

[890] Oh, I was Weber two barrels.

[891] Oh, they were always Weber.

[892] I thought some of those...

[893] No, those are as two barrels.

[894] Oh, look at this.

[895] I'm already embarrassed.

[896] No, you had four two barrels, usually.

[897] I bring Tom Hansen.

[898] Mm -hmm.

[899] And you guys start talking.

[900] And it starts macro.

[901] It starts with, it's a V8, it's a 427, it's the rap, it's a, you know, then we're talking about the cam.

[902] And then we get to like, I don't know, torquing, uh, main bearing torque settings.

[903] And I'm out.

[904] I'm out at some point.

[905] And then I see you guys keep going.

[906] And then I notice, oh my God, I've never seen this look on Tom Hanson's face.

[907] He's out of information.

[908] Jay's still going.

[909] Jay still has another rung of information.

[910] And I, we left there and I go.

[911] oh my god you just got out tom hanson by jay it was it was something to witness so when i when people know jay's a car guy i don't think they really understand to what level jay is a car guy i'm talking like every bolt of the engine well a lot of it is useless knowledge of which is not any particular use to anybody that being said it's it's it's the most in -depth knowledge i've ever witnessed and i I wouldn't have even known unless I saw Tom Hanson bail out.

[912] That was the beauty of the whole experience.

[913] So do you think that that's wrapped into dyslexia a bit probably, right?

[914] That was something you're like, oh, I can memorize all these things.

[915] I don't like to read fiction.

[916] I always feel like, this didn't happen.

[917] Why am I reading this?

[918] So I tend, I like to read technical things or manuals or history of transportation and things like that.

[919] So knowledge, which is a very little use to anybody.

[920] But now driving, the first time you get in a car, and you go, oh my goodness, I'm entirely in charge of this.

[921] Right.

[922] I move this, and the same thing happens every time, and I hit the gas in the same.

[923] It's predictable.

[924] When I was 12, you know, we lived in New England, it's a rural area, and somebody abandoned an old Renault 4CV, a little 4th similar Renault car.

[925] Good car to abandon.

[926] Yeah, so we got it running, and we were just driving around our backyard, and my mom would watch from the dining room window, and there'd be four of us guys just driving this car over fields, and berms.

[927] And of course, now they call child services and the parents would be taken away.

[928] But by then, back then, kids could do that kind of stuff.

[929] You can't really do that anymore.

[930] Now you're mixing dangerous gases and fluids and, you know, but back then it was fairly common.

[931] Yeah, it was a time you weren't lighting something on fire.

[932] Right, right.

[933] Right.

[934] The lighting stuff on fire was always fun.

[935] And did you have, oh yeah, WD40 and a BIC lighter?

[936] Oh, yeah.

[937] That's an hour.

[938] You know what WD40 comes from?

[939] Uh, what?

[940] It was developed by the Army.

[941] The Army wanted a water dispersant.

[942] They wanted something you could spray on a surface that would disperance water.

[943] It took them 40 tries.

[944] So WD40 is water dispersant 40th try.

[945] Oh, that's fantastic.

[946] Yeah, there you go.

[947] Hey, more useless fact.

[948] Learning.

[949] You know, I just recently realized them, I think two years ago, that Arby's, why it's called Arby's.

[950] You know why it's called Arby's?

[951] R .B. R. B. Roast beef?

[952] That flew right over my head.

[953] The secret to Arby's was a slicer.

[954] because they couldn't slice roast beef thin enough to make it profitable.

[955] Because you always, roast beef always came in thick slices.

[956] So the sandwich was never consistent.

[957] One sandwich might be this big, another sandwich would be this big.

[958] So they invented this slicer.

[959] They could literally slice it almost like onion skin newspaper.

[960] And then you could fold it.

[961] So you could put four or five folds.

[962] So it looked like a lot more roast beef.

[963] Yeah, it looked like a pound of.

[964] Yeah.

[965] Right, right.

[966] But when I was a kid, my Papa Bob would take me to Arby's in it.

[967] And all I would do is stare at that slicer.

[968] Yeah, it gave me tremendous.

[969] tremendous anxiety about just how easily your fingertips would just disappear in that machine.

[970] Exactly, exactly.

[971] But so you would drive this old Renault, and what was your first car?

[972] 34 Ford pickup truck with a flathead V8, yeah.

[973] Okay.

[974] And did you have like a mechanic mentor, or did you just learn by taking parts off?

[975] No, I took things apart.

[976] I remember taking the lawnmower part, and here's why it's not running.

[977] There's this piece of paper between the head and the cylinder.

[978] Let me get rid of that.

[979] And I just thought there was paper in there for somebody.

[980] I threw it away.

[981] I put the edge back together.

[982] I started up, just shooting stuff off the side.

[983] Oh, maybe that was my father got the gasket.

[984] Oh, oh, I see.

[985] I just thought it was like a piece of paper, so I got stuck in there.

[986] Yeah, I actually feel bad for kids who grew up with money because why would you learn to work on a car?

[987] Like, I just had to do it out of absolute necessity.

[988] My adult 84 Mustang GT and the thing broke every hour.

[989] It was just different.

[990] I mean, my mother knew nothing about cars, but she knew when she took the air clean off the valley and stuck to screwdriver down the round thing, it would start easier.

[991] Uh -huh.

[992] So people were forced to just have to work on cars.

[993] Now, when you were, did you graduate in, what, 68?

[994] I graduated in 68, yeah.

[995] And so the hot car when you were a senior was a 68 Chavelle was a big one, right?

[996] Well, when I was a kid, it was probably the movie, a bullet had come out.

[997] Oh, the Mustang.

[998] So, across the Mustang with 390, that was a hot car.

[999] The Dodge Charger, you know, all that kind.

[1000] That movie probably got more people who wear seatbelts because you see where the bad guys go, I mean, when they click that seatbelt, you, you know.

[1001] You know the audio guy turned this sound all over because it goes, and it just made you cool to click a seat.

[1002] Before that, it wasn't cool to click a seatbelt.

[1003] Right.

[1004] And in fact, when we bought our 66 Galaxy, my father said to the salesman, because I was going to be driving, he says, now this new car have seatbelts?

[1005] Seat belts?

[1006] Hey, Louie, we got a race car driver here.

[1007] What are you bad driving, Mr. Lano?

[1008] You need some kind of seat?

[1009] What are you?

[1010] Just humiliated about it.

[1011] You'll shame you for wanting to keep your son saved.

[1012] And then when the car came in, he showed us, if he rolled the seat.

[1013] belt up and move the seat forward, you can put the whole belt in the crevice, and you never see it again.

[1014] Oh, right.

[1015] Yeah, it keeps it out of the way.

[1016] But now you did, you crashed that galaxy.

[1017] Yeah, I wrapped that around a tree.

[1018] Were you showing off?

[1019] Of course.

[1020] Oh, thank God.

[1021] I'm glad you owned it.

[1022] Duh.

[1023] So on your show, Jay Leno's garage, you took a ride in it, Monica, this will blow your mind.

[1024] Okay.

[1025] There's a very famous wheelie machine.

[1026] What was the name of the week?

[1027] Oh, that was the hemie under glass.

[1028] The hemie under glass, a guy had put a hemie in the back of a, was that a dart or something?

[1029] Let me V8 in the back of a 66 barracuda had the big glass window.

[1030] And he originally did it to go drag racing, thinking he'd get more traction, not realizing he would bring the front end up.

[1031] And it was fast, but not faster than anything else.

[1032] But the fact that you do these incredible wheel stands, it would literally jump.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] The point where he put sort of like shopping cart wheels on the back, so it went up on the back, it would go down the whole strip with the front end of the air.

[1035] And there was a plastic glass floor that he would look through to drive it.

[1036] And so you knew, what's his name?

[1037] Bob Wrigal.

[1038] Bob Riggle.

[1039] So you must have, like, had admiration and love for him.

[1040] Oh, I remember when I was a kid, yeah, yeah.

[1041] So Jay has him on his show, and Jay gets in the passenger seat, and this guy rips a wheelie, and they immediately just start rolling.

[1042] It was intense.

[1043] It was the highest rated automotive clip of 2016.

[1044] Without question.

[1045] That, like, hit my inbox at, like, 7 in the morning from friends in Detroit.

[1046] Yeah, yeah.

[1047] Now, when I put myself.

[1048] in your shoes.

[1049] Here's exactly what goes through my mind.

[1050] I don't give a fuck about rolling in this car.

[1051] Who cares?

[1052] I'm alive.

[1053] I can tell that when I land.

[1054] My panic, my codependency of like, oh no, this guy I love just ate shit on TV.

[1055] Oh, man. Were you panicked at all for his ego?

[1056] That's what would have freaked me out about that accident.

[1057] No, I don't know.

[1058] It was just, it was, I'm not a panicky person.

[1059] I don't really, I mean, when I really were going to roll, I kind of just put my hand, my hands in, and we just kind of rolled.

[1060] In fact, the funny part was the marshal came over and he said, the Bob Riggle, what's your name?

[1061] He said, my name's Bob Riggle, how old are you?

[1062] Eighty -one years old.

[1063] He said, what's your name?

[1064] He said, my name is Bob Riggle, and I'm 81 -year -old.

[1065] One of these two men is the real Bob Riggle.

[1066] It's just got a big laugh.

[1067] I mean, the fact that you were going to let an 81 -year -old do a quarter mile away with you, it's fantastic, just out of the gates.

[1068] But I would just be so nervous for Mr. Riggle.

[1069] I'd be like, oh, no, he probably is, well, let's put it this way.

[1070] But I think he felt bad.

[1071] Yes.

[1072] I would be super embarrassed if I got Jalen on my car and then I rolled.

[1073] Well, I split it with them.

[1074] I paid for half the car.

[1075] Oh, you did?

[1076] Oh, that's good.

[1077] You're not codependent.

[1078] It doesn't seem, at least.

[1079] You just passed my codependency test.

[1080] That would have really freaked me out.

[1081] Okay, so I'm going to speed through some things.

[1082] Go ahead.

[1083] You get out of that Boston school, Emerson.

[1084] Right.

[1085] And you start doing stand -up in college?

[1086] Oh, I did it while I was in college.

[1087] While you were in college.

[1088] My parents wanted me to finish, and I said I would.

[1089] At the time, I didn't really get anything out.

[1090] You know, Boston at that time was pretty serious.

[1091] The Vietnam War was going on.

[1092] There were a lot of, like, hoot -nanny nights, he used to call them.

[1093] They put, you know, they put two candles in the cafeteria, and that'd be the Tuktoe Cafe.

[1094] I mean, there are thousands of students willing to be entertained by people with no talent, and that's pretty much what it was.

[1095] Okay.

[1096] But it was mostly, you know, that serious kind of, the lights would be dark, and the guy had a flashlight under his chin.

[1097] They turn it on, stop your war machine man, click, and turn it off, and then run off to another corner and do it over there, you know.

[1098] And so doing comedy was like, what?

[1099] What comedy?

[1100] This is a serious time.

[1101] There weren't a lot of people doing comedy.

[1102] Now, you got a degree in speech pathology.

[1103] Yeah, you're right.

[1104] I only did that because I remember going to college and going, is there anything that's not written?

[1105] Well, speech, you have to give an oral talk at the end of year.

[1106] How long do you have to talk for 20 minutes?

[1107] I said, well, that's easy.

[1108] And other guys going, 20 minutes, I can't talk for 20 minutes.

[1109] I would see kids literally having connoptions over this.

[1110] Sure.

[1111] I can bullshit for 20 minutes.

[1112] That's the easiest thing of the world.

[1113] So, yeah, but I know nothing about severe diphthongs and all that.

[1114] That was the motivator.

[1115] Yeah.

[1116] Really?

[1117] Yeah.

[1118] What's the easiest way to get through this?

[1119] Terrible student.

[1120] And I remember I went into school.

[1121] I went into admission.

[1122] I had flunked out of Bentley School of Accounting and Finance.

[1123] My parents just enrolled me there.

[1124] I knew nothing about, I lasted four months.

[1125] And then in June, I went to Emerson, and I went in, I went in, this guidance guy.

[1126] He goes, you know, you're great to bad.

[1127] It's too late to take anybody.

[1128] now.

[1129] Even if your grades are good, better than this, you'd still have to go to summer school.

[1130] And I said, can I go to summer school?

[1131] He goes, well, it's a little late for that, too.

[1132] It starts next week.

[1133] I said, how much is summer school?

[1134] He said, $1 ,300, which is a lot of money.

[1135] I said, oh, okay.

[1136] So I reached in my pocket, and I said, I got $1 ,300.

[1137] He slid it, and he went, you're in.

[1138] And I said, do I have to go to summer school?

[1139] He said, nope.

[1140] I said, thank you.

[1141] Oh, wow.

[1142] It worked out great.

[1143] That was an important lesson.

[1144] How real life worked.

[1145] Sure.

[1146] How real life.

[1147] You know, you've realized us, I remember what we're on our way.

[1148] We're on the way to the Boston comedy here.

[1149] Abby Hoffman speak.

[1150] Remember him, Abby Hoffman?

[1151] And no one had ever said the word fuck in a microphone before, but he did.

[1152] And this caused a huge thing.

[1153] So I'd be wanting to go hear this speech.

[1154] So me and my friend Amos Tucker, the guy with long hair, we're walking down to these three of us.

[1155] this cop goes, hey, where are your kids going?

[1156] We're going down here, Robbie Hoffman.

[1157] Now you're not.

[1158] We should turn around, go home.

[1159] You're not looking that hippie.

[1160] And my friend said, first of all, you can't stop us.

[1161] He goes, I got this right here.

[1162] He took him, put down my head stick.

[1163] And my idiot friend goes, first of all, I know my rights, okay.

[1164] As an American, you just can't stop someone to hit them.

[1165] That's against the law.

[1166] This guy just beat the shit out of the way, me pounded him on the head.

[1167] And now he said, where are you going?

[1168] Me?

[1169] I said, I'm going back to his dorm.

[1170] And we just carried Amos back.

[1171] He's all bruised and bad.

[1172] I go, welcome to real life.

[1173] Hello.

[1174] A guy with a gun and a stick is talking to you.

[1175] Really?

[1176] Don't get an argument with this guy.

[1177] But I could just tell by my friend's tone, first of all, you can't, I know you can't hit me with that because, okay, now you're daring the guy.

[1178] He's not the brightest thing.

[1179] He's a constitutional scholar all of a sudden.

[1180] Another, how real life works.

[1181] So I want to put this.

[1182] interesting me because my group of comedians, I was idolizing, you know, you already had the Tonight Show by the time I was started like really fetishizing different comedians.

[1183] But I was listening to Stern and Letterman was on and Howard was asking him like, describe the scene in L .A. in the late 70s, I guess, when you were doing stand -up, like who was doing what?

[1184] And he said, well, hands down, the best stand -up comedian in America was Jay Leno.

[1185] There's just.

[1186] there's no question and that was huge context for me to hear letterman someone who i like idolizes letterman was a great word smith you know i was someone when we we first met i was a better performer than writer i could by being loud and so and so and so you know kind of commanding the stage i could make something funnier than it was letterman being a great word smith could underplay it is His performance is not very nervous, nervous and looking down.

[1187] But the words he chose to speak, you know, Lenneman would never say a drink.

[1188] He would always say, you know, I was having an adult beverage.

[1189] And, you know, he always chose, I enjoy listening to comedians talk the way other people like to listen to music because I like the lyrical way they, Norm McDonald, one of my favorite, just the way he phrases things and picks just the right word.

[1190] You know, so much of comedy is picking the right word.

[1191] You know, Bob Newhart is one of my all -time favorites, and Bob Newhart had a bit, and this is just the right word, he had a bit about the first astronaut in space that makes extraterrestrial communication.

[1192] And he comes back to Earth, and it's the press conference.

[1193] And the reporter says to the astronaut, how much further ahead of us are they?

[1194] And Bob says, about six weeks.

[1195] And it's the perfect, it's the perfect number.

[1196] You know, two years, you can't catch you out.

[1197] One week, but six weeks, nobody can catch up to six weeks.

[1198] It's just, you can see it, but you can't.

[1199] Oh, he's six weeks ahead.

[1200] I'll never catch him, you know.

[1201] And just picking the right word.

[1202] And Letterman was always great.

[1203] It's just having the right phraseology.

[1204] So you remember him?

[1205] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1206] I think we made each other better.

[1207] I mean, I think he watched me and thought, how can you be that self -confident on stage?

[1208] gentlemen.

[1209] And I watch him and go, I got a, you know, I got to pick better.

[1210] I realize that using obscenities never work for me because it just seemed lazy.

[1211] It was, it's calling someone an asshole.

[1212] It's not as funny as calling them a syphilitic druid.

[1213] You know, it was just a funnier.

[1214] And when I would go on Lebanon, I'd always try to find phrases that Dave would like.

[1215] I was taught, I remember years ago we were talking about going to the carnival and these syphilic druids, are throwing anthrax spores and children, how horrible it was.

[1216] When people are laughing on the way to the joke, that's when you know you got it.

[1217] Because a joke's a joke, and a civilian can tell a joke if it's got a funny punchline and get a laugh.

[1218] But a comedian can make it funny on the way to the punchline.

[1219] Sure, sure.

[1220] And that's the real trick is getting them laughing before you get there.

[1221] Right.

[1222] You know, whip them into a little lather before.

[1223] Right, exactly.

[1224] So you went on to the Tonight Show for the first time in 77?

[1225] Yeah, March 2nd.

[1226] I was, yeah.

[1227] Your memory's crazy.

[1228] I feel like such a, I need to go see a neurologist.

[1229] Were you, did you love Carson?

[1230] I was a big fan of Carson.

[1231] I was a big fan of any comedian that was funny without props.

[1232] I like people that looked normal, but were funny.

[1233] Right.

[1234] I mean, Johnny Carson.

[1235] Almost too handsome you would think to be as funny as he was.

[1236] Jack Benny, John Beiner, all the guys from that era that could use words really effectively without having to, you know.

[1237] I like Milton Burrell.

[1238] he's funny enough, but I'm just not a flower and the pell squirt water to people kind of guy.

[1239] Sure.

[1240] I mean, just someone who could Oscar Levant, all these kind of guys who could just throw little phrases and things out and be funny.

[1241] Yeah.

[1242] But when you were talking about word selection, of course, I thought of Seinfeld of just being like...

[1243] Seinfeld, too, another great wordsmith.

[1244] Yeah, someone that would just, we'll probably do 20 different sets where he tries out 20 different words.

[1245] Well, you know, it's economy of words.

[1246] It's getting there in the shortest possible time.

[1247] Because the longer the joke takes, boy, the funnier it better be.

[1248] Right.

[1249] And when people who are not, when you hear comedians talk, they get right to the meat of it.

[1250] It's not, so then I go.

[1251] So, like, she says, like, to me, you know what I'm talking about?

[1252] I can always tell when a guy's a writer or not a comic, because they'll say things like, so I exclaimed.

[1253] Okay.

[1254] No, first of all, nobody exclaims.

[1255] Only writer exclaims.

[1256] Nobody exclaims in real life.

[1257] Right.

[1258] Right.

[1259] So you started doing, you would do stand -up on his show pretty often.

[1260] Carson.

[1261] You know, it's funny.

[1262] I never really clicked.

[1263] I never really got the Tonight Show.

[1264] And then one day they came to see him, I got it.

[1265] And growing up in New England, I had a hard time calling him Johnny.

[1266] It was always Mr. Carson or, you know, John.

[1267] And it seemed odd to me. It wasn't until I got to Letterman that I could really be myself.

[1268] You know, because show business is the opposite of real life in that i remember i would go for auditions can read this part okay and i read and i go well thank everybody very nice to meet you all thank you so much for having me i really appreciate this i will call you okay thank you very much i never got anything and then one day i got this script and i went this is the worst fucking thing i've ever read you and i went and i said before i got out who wrote this piece of shit now they're laughing da da da da da and i thought i read it terribly i get home hey they loved you come up what i mean i was rude i was obnoxious and i realized it really it's the opposite of real life.

[1269] Whatever works for you in the real world doesn't work in show business.

[1270] Sure.

[1271] Well, it's also a little bit like dating.

[1272] Like, you got to give them some sense that you're completely unavailable for this role to get them interested, right?

[1273] Exactly, yeah.

[1274] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1275] So when you, you started guest hosting in 87.

[1276] And how many - 86, actually, yeah.

[1277] Okay.

[1278] I'll certainly believe you more than Wikipedia.

[1279] Well, sorry.

[1280] So in 86, did you have that experience that comics talk about so frequently about being on the Tonight Show as a stand -up and then the next day being like people know you?

[1281] Did you have that?

[1282] No. Maybe a little, because it was different then.

[1283] There wasn't a lot of shows on.

[1284] Well, right.

[1285] There's three options.

[1286] Yeah.

[1287] It was, you know, the Hopal on Cassidy movie on Channel 12 and maybe Nightline and then Johnny, you know.

[1288] So that was all of them.

[1289] most people watch Johnny.

[1290] It could be life -changing.

[1291] You couldn't be on an episode of someone's late -night show now and have it change your life.

[1292] But some people really got sitcoms and stuff off of being.

[1293] Freddie Prince, the classic example, Freddy and I were roommates for a while.

[1294] And yeah, he did the time.

[1295] It's so funny, that same day, earlier day, he'd done Merv Griffin.

[1296] It did, okay.

[1297] That was all right.

[1298] Very comedian, Freddy Prince.

[1299] Thank you, Freddy.

[1300] You're a funny young man. Boom, just another comic.

[1301] But it went on Johnny.

[1302] and I think Sammy Davis was on the couch and Sammy's screaming and laughing and the whole thing and it all came together and you've got a sitcom the next stage, Chico and the man. Well, that's a weird thing about perception, right?

[1303] It's like if we see this person we hold in this crazy esteem, say Johnny, if we see that someone has Johnny's, no, I'm sorry, Mr. Carson.

[1304] Right, yeah.

[1305] Mr. Carson's number and Carson's laughing uncontrollably, we kind of, we do the imprint, we go like, oh, this guy's better than everyone else because look how hard, this guy we love is laughing.

[1306] Well, yeah.

[1307] Like, when people would make Letterman laugh really hard or make you laugh really hard, you'd go, oh, this person's kind of a step above, look.

[1308] To me, that was always the key to try and make Dave laugh when I went on the show.

[1309] Like, I would do things that I knew would annoy Dave.

[1310] Like, I would wait for him to come down the hall to go to makeup, and I would have, like, enormous meatball sandwich.

[1311] He goes, how can you eat that before you?

[1312] He says, rather than 10 minutes, how can you be, oh, Dave, try, little meatballs.

[1313] And he would just, he would go, how can anybody eat?

[1314] Because he was always a nervous wreck before he went on here.

[1315] So I got to the point where I would just bring the sandwich out with me. And I go, okay, and I put it on his desk and get meatballed all over everything.

[1316] You know, it was a lot of fun.

[1317] It was my favorite time in show business, actually.

[1318] What years?

[1319] Oh, the mid -80s doing Letterman like that.

[1320] Uh -huh.

[1321] Because I could really be free with Johnny.

[1322] I couldn't go, hey, Johnny, nice tie.

[1323] What is that?

[1324] Ray, he wasn't a peer where his Letterman was.

[1325] Yes, Letterman was a peer with the same age.

[1326] The points of reference was the same.

[1327] You know, yeah, the history, the whole bit, you know.

[1328] And there are certain, don't you find that there's certain people that I, for whatever reason, I just really want to make that person laugh.

[1329] And it makes me up my game.

[1330] And I love being around people like that.

[1331] Oh, yeah.

[1332] Seinfeld and I do that.

[1333] Whenever Seinfeld and I talk on the phone, inevitably we each come away with something.

[1334] Some new.

[1335] Yeah, we were talking about, I'm not going to say it was, a comic who was very esoteric, you know, not so much jokes.

[1336] And I said, they're funny here, but, you know, you put them in the sand and gravel, convention in Vegas and it's not going to be so sorry and sign full will go stand the gravel every time he said you go sand the gravel convention and it's one of those things oh i wish i said that oh yeah you know that's what that's what makes me laugh you know yeah you know like jerry did a bit the other night that i said i wish i had that it's about telephones you know like the old days the phone like when we were kids a phone to ring i'll get it i'll get it i'll get now it's who do we know it's 503 who do you know lives there don't answer that you know and then i was like ah why didn't i see that i was right in front of me. And when he said that to me, I fell off the chair.

[1337] It just made me laugh.

[1338] So trying jokes out on each other is great fun.

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] And you don't drink, as you said.

[1341] No. Not for any more religious persons.

[1342] I just don't have any interest.

[1343] It doesn't interest me. Have you ever?

[1344] No. Never once.

[1345] Well, I maybe I tasted.

[1346] I just don't drink.

[1347] It doesn't interest me, you know.

[1348] Yeah.

[1349] You say that like that's just standard, but it's so interesting.

[1350] Of course, I drank way too much.

[1351] I found comedy to either one extreme or the other.

[1352] Yeah.

[1353] I don't find anybody moderate.

[1354] I find you the guys that abusers high all the time.

[1355] Never knew he was drunk until I saw him sober kind of stuff.

[1356] Yeah.

[1357] Or completely abstain.

[1358] Right.

[1359] Very rarely do I see.

[1360] Like Rodney, I don't know how Rodney existed as long as he did.

[1361] You know, Rodney drank did every crazy -ass thing.

[1362] Oh, yeah.

[1363] I've heard stories from people who have worked with him about just the cocaine consumption.

[1364] And it's just, it's amazing.

[1365] Yeah, I'll tell you, in 2001, I had Rodney on the Tonight Show.

[1366] And I love Rodney And I know his mannerism And I know, you know, you know, you know, he always goes, I'll tell you, he touches his hand was in the wrong spot Oh And I sitting there watching that I called Debbie, I said, Debbie, call paramedics I think Roddy's having a stroke, you know She said, why?

[1367] I said, his hand movements are way off He just, I mean, the audience didn't see it It was over here, it was always this, you know, Yeah, yeah His hand moves around I said, I just call paramedics, just have him here, okay So Rodney comes and he sits down, he's fine They went in the dressing room and the prime.

[1368] Hey, Rodney, you were the parent.

[1369] Whatever, Jay thought you had him the stroke.

[1370] What are they talking about him?

[1371] He had a stroke.

[1372] No shit.

[1373] He had a stroke.

[1374] And they took him to the hospital.

[1375] Oh, my goodness.

[1376] And you witnessed it.

[1377] Well, it was interesting.

[1378] And then a couple years later, Rodney had another bad stroke.

[1379] And this is, oh, a day or two before he died.

[1380] And I'm in the hospital.

[1381] And Joan, his wife is great.

[1382] I mean, she's the most loyal woman.

[1383] And she's sitting there.

[1384] And she says, Jay, I think Rodney can hear us.

[1385] but he can't speak or react.

[1386] She says, Jay, put your finger in Rodney's hand.

[1387] She goes, Rodney, if you know Jay's hair, squeeze his fingers.

[1388] My finger.

[1389] I go, Rodney, that's not my finger.

[1390] And I see Rodney, and he twitches.

[1391] And Joan laughed and I laughed.

[1392] And I could see that he thought it was funny.

[1393] Oh, I made Rodney laugh when he was in coma.

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] I mean, I don't say that.

[1396] But, I mean, I was glad I could make him laugh, I guess is what I'm saying.

[1397] Because he was always, always killed me. You know, it was never political, never, it was just so different from today.

[1398] Now we live in an era.

[1399] If people don't like your politics, they don't like your music, they don't like your comedy.

[1400] Now you have to say what you are, what you believe, where you stand in every issue.

[1401] Yeah.

[1402] I mean, there are plenty of people, I don't want to know.

[1403] I just want to enjoy their performance.

[1404] You know, I don't need to know how you feel about this, that, and the next thing.

[1405] Yeah.

[1406] Yeah, we talk actually a lot about that on here.

[1407] And I had a show creator on who has made this point that I thought was really neat, is that people always had opinions, but they used to use their art to get their opinion across.

[1408] Yeah.

[1409] Their story, their power of story, not 140 characters.

[1410] Yeah, I mean, you could figure out where somebody stands just by the things they talk about or the way they treat other people or whatever they say.

[1411] You know, now you have to.

[1412] I remember we had, who we shall have been nameless, we had a comedian auditioning for the show.

[1413] And the opening a line is, you know, I'm a liberal Democrat.

[1414] he would go into the jokes, you know.

[1415] And I said to him, you know, drop the little, just do the jokes.

[1416] And then people, believe me, people will know where you stand.

[1417] Right, right.

[1418] He said, no, I want to do it this way.

[1419] And he did it that way.

[1420] And it was okay.

[1421] But you see half the audience.

[1422] Well, they're immediately alienated.

[1423] Right.

[1424] They're not also liberal Democrats.

[1425] Yeah, you know.

[1426] And it was like, no, you're a comedian first, okay?

[1427] Joke comes first, point of view, whatever you want to get.

[1428] You're not hosting a political rally.

[1429] If they came to your political rally, you should definitely...

[1430] Yeah, exactly.

[1431] It's time to say exactly where you've seen it.

[1432] Did you have favorite guests over the years?

[1433] Who are a few of your favorite guests?

[1434] You know, I like politics.

[1435] So that was always fun.

[1436] The first time I had Barack Obama.

[1437] He came by himself.

[1438] He had his jacket over his shoulder, you know.

[1439] Hey, James, Barack Hussein Obama running for president.

[1440] And he comes on the show and he goes, my name's Barack Hussein Obama and president.

[1441] I said, okay, let's look at this here.

[1442] A black guy, nobody ever heard of, whose name was Hussein.

[1443] Yeah, you're going to be a two -term president.

[1444] Yeah, you're going to go far, Bill.

[1445] And, you know, he was really funny.

[1446] I mean, he was really laughing.

[1447] He has one of the most incredible senses of any president, right?

[1448] He gave me a cell phone number, you know.

[1449] And then one day I was just some friends.

[1450] And he'd be an elected president.

[1451] And we were talking and I said, hey, he gave me a cell phone.

[1452] He still got it?

[1453] I said, I don't think it works.

[1454] Let's try it.

[1455] Hello?

[1456] Is Brock?

[1457] No. I said, oh, oops.

[1458] Mr. President, Jay Leno.

[1459] Okay, what's up?

[1460] Now, you gave me, now I feel so stupid.

[1461] You gave me this, okay, now go ahead, Mr. President.

[1462] I know you're probably busy.

[1463] Right.

[1464] You're probably getting debriefed on her.

[1465] No, I loved him.

[1466] He was a great, great guy.

[1467] I really did.

[1468] I really did.

[1469] And when he would do the White House correspondence dinner, it was very impressive.

[1470] Oh, he was better than any comic.

[1471] Yeah.

[1472] He had good timing.

[1473] He could play.

[1474] It's the confidence thing, right?

[1475] He just had.

[1476] Reagan was funny, too.

[1477] I did it.

[1478] Reagan was the first time I did it.

[1479] Oh, really?

[1480] That was the only time I got.

[1481] nervous.

[1482] Because I'm backstage and this general comes back and he's got all these metal.

[1483] Go, hey, are you the comedian?

[1484] Are you the entertainer?

[1485] I go, yes sir.

[1486] Let me tell you.

[1487] That's my commander -in -chief.

[1488] You understand?

[1489] That's the president of the United States.

[1490] That is my boss.

[1491] That is the legal fruit.

[1492] And he's poking me. You don't, you don't make fun of him.

[1493] You don't have done a great him?

[1494] Okay.

[1495] I'm like, oh, yes sir.

[1496] Okay.

[1497] I'm thinking, geez, I got all these jokes, you know?

[1498] And then George Schultz, remember him, Secretary of State?

[1499] No. Well, George Schultz come back.

[1500] He got a drink.

[1501] Go, Leno, come here.

[1502] Tell Ronnie's ass to the wall.

[1503] Get out there.

[1504] Nail him to...

[1505] I said that general told me, screw him.

[1506] He works for me. I'll deal with him.

[1507] You make fun of that black crap at Ronnie's hair.

[1508] You think it's really black at 878?

[1509] Blah, blah, blah.

[1510] Yeah, go out there.

[1511] Nail his ass.

[1512] So, yeah.

[1513] So it was...

[1514] In fact, the opening joke that night, I think, was...

[1515] I want to congratulate Nancy Reagan.

[1516] I'm winning the humanitarian year award.

[1517] And they'll applaud.

[1518] I'm glad she beat out that conniving little bitch, mother to race i oh no it's got and i see reg oh reagan lamb so then i knew i was in good shape yeah of the stressful stand -up jobs you've taken it's that and what else is there anything else that you that wasn't that stress no i've done some off i opened for rare earth once you remember them no remember they we get ready get ready oh yeah get ready yeah so anyway i walk out on stage and the crowd is there to see Rare Earth.

[1519] And I see the mic is on a stand, and I see the cord goes off the stage down into the crowd.

[1520] And I go, that doesn't look good.

[1521] And I start talking.

[1522] The next thing ago, the mic is ripped out of my hand.

[1523] I go, and I hear, Hey, Larry, oh, screw you!

[1524] Because he runs.

[1525] So now I'm, now I jump down on the stage.

[1526] I'm in the audience, looking for the mic.

[1527] I'm pulling the cord, trying to find where it went, and people are just yelling up senties in it.

[1528] Then it goes blank, and I have the cord with no mic on it, And now I'm in the audience, and I got charged $75 for losing the mic.

[1529] Now, another thing that I've picked up a bunch from Stern episodes, this has happened, I don't know, 10 times where people's, well, they'll be on talking about some crisis they had in their public life.

[1530] In a numerous occasions, people have said, Howard will go, who did anyone call you?

[1531] And I think about 10 times I've heard people go, yeah, Jay Leno called me. picked up the phone and called me. There's a, there's like a ton of people that you've done that for.

[1532] Yeah, I remember it happened with Mar. Mar, remember Marr?

[1533] Bill Maher, when he said that they were heroes, or not heroes, they were brave.

[1534] Yeah, that kind of thing.

[1535] Look, I know Bill Maher, whether you like Bill or not, he's a true American.

[1536] I mean, I think he's a patriot.

[1537] He's exactly what the country's about.

[1538] He has a different point of view.

[1539] And you know something?

[1540] You get no bullshit.

[1541] He'll tell you exactly what he thinks.

[1542] A lot of people go, well, I don't know.

[1543] And they won't say.

[1544] But he, you know, I know I give him a lot of credit.

[1545] I've admired him.

[1546] And just because he had a different point of view.

[1547] And I called him up and invited him on the show.

[1548] And, you know, we took a little bit of heat.

[1549] But I think we also had people who liked it, the fact that, well, that's what America's about.

[1550] You say your peace, you know.

[1551] Yeah.

[1552] And that would happen over 17 years, the first run, I guess, and then another three or four.

[1553] So 20 years.

[1554] Yeah, but I'm tea for a while.

[1555] You were on, you were on for 22 years.

[1556] 22 years.

[1557] And in those 22 years, people often, would come on to kind of make their apology, right?

[1558] That happened kind of frequently, didn't it?

[1559] Yeah, people just screw up and you invite him on.

[1560] Hugh Grant, maybe he...

[1561] Oh, right, right.

[1562] But see, that was the classic, oh, bad boy.

[1563] It was one of those, wink, wink, oh, handsome leading man from England picks up street hooker.

[1564] I mean, it was class warfare.

[1565] Sure.

[1566] It was rich versus poor.

[1567] Yeah.

[1568] There are a lot of themes going on.

[1569] It was pretty woman.

[1570] It was, you know, Kiss Me Kate.

[1571] It was, you know, it was lady in the tram.

[1572] I mean, every, and I, you know, I gave him a lot of credit.

[1573] He didn't come with a press agent.

[1574] He came by himself.

[1575] He said, asked me whatever you want.

[1576] I screwed up, you know.

[1577] And he was very honest about it.

[1578] And he was very funny.

[1579] But knowing you and knowing that you have kind of a kind sensibility, what I was curious, were those episodes hard for you?

[1580] Did you hate to have to go like, all right, let's get into this person's dirty laundry?

[1581] I always talked to people in the dressing room beforehand.

[1582] A lot of shows don't like to.

[1583] I don't want to shock the guess.

[1584] And I always say, I'm, look, I have to ask you this.

[1585] You could ignore the question, you can answer the question, but I've got to ask you this question, okay?

[1586] Or otherwise, why are we here?

[1587] And that's pretty much what we did.

[1588] I mean.

[1589] And in general, their response was like, I get it?

[1590] Yeah, most people did.

[1591] Yeah, sure, sure.

[1592] Some people get mad.

[1593] Were there any ones where you're like, I don't want to be doing this?

[1594] I remember what Keene Phoenix's manager got mad at me because I said to him, he was just out of Yeah, he's doing that.

[1595] Yeah, and I said to him, well, you're next time he here.

[1596] I hope he can come in person.

[1597] That'd be great, you know?

[1598] And then what was that all about?

[1599] He will never be back in.

[1600] Oh, stop it.

[1601] It's so fine with me. Now, the last thing I'm going to let you get back in your cute Jeep that you arrived in.

[1602] Speaking of no seatbelts, I just love, he, Jay arrived in a Jeep with no doors and seatbelts.

[1603] That's the World War II.

[1604] That's a Normandy Beach Jeep.

[1605] Oh, really?

[1606] Actually, was there.

[1607] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1608] Wait, how many do you have?

[1609] How many cars?

[1610] Oh, you sound like my wife.

[1611] That's curious.

[1612] 186 cars.

[1613] And about 163 motorcycles.

[1614] Are you so jealous?

[1615] I mean, when I'm there, what would I even compare it to?

[1616] You know, it's just, yeah, it's overwhelming.

[1617] It's cheaper than hookers and coke.

[1618] Look at Charlie, you know.

[1619] Yeah, he could have had your car collection.

[1620] You could have the car collection.

[1621] I'll tell you what I selfishly thought when I was at his garage is Jay has no errors.

[1622] I mean, don't I get.

[1623] one of these cars i mean don't don't who are these cars going to couldn't you just earmark one like the shittiest car there not my problem it's not your problem my problem do you do you obsess at all at night about like no you don't no you and jerry what would you pick which one would you want i mean the the collection is so impressive that one couldn't even pick it would take me all day to really i'd have like three top but i definitely want that three cedar mclaren you have yeah that's good that thing's ridiculous yeah yeah no i don't obsess about things like that you don't like that you don't you're going to die and you don't give a shit.

[1624] What happens in all those cars?

[1625] You know something?

[1626] People always think they live forever.

[1627] It's the funniest thing.

[1628] You know, I was in Vegas, and it's in one of the hotels.

[1629] I think it was the Hilton.

[1630] It's not the Hilton anymore.

[1631] And I see a guy carrying a big Elvis.

[1632] A couple of guys can't be a big Elvis thing, you know.

[1633] I goes, they guys are putting up an Elvis display.

[1634] He goes, no, we're taking it down.

[1635] I go, how come?

[1636] Nobody knows who he is anymore, you know?

[1637] And most of the people that do are 70 or 80.

[1638] Okay, and I'm thinking, okay, if they don't know Elvis anymore.

[1639] Oh, 100%.

[1640] Where do I stand here?

[1641] So you know something, you enjoy it?

[1642] Well, you can.

[1643] You have a good time.

[1644] I was in Hershey, Pennsylvania, doing the show.

[1645] And I come out and these people go, hey, good, good night.

[1646] Tonight in your show, I see this girl at about 17.

[1647] I want to you down.

[1648] I said, oh, I'm a comedian.

[1649] What's your name?

[1650] Jay Leno?

[1651] No, I don't know, yo.

[1652] I said, what did you do?

[1653] I said, I used to host the Tonight Show.

[1654] What's that?

[1655] Tonight Show's the show it's on, you know, late night.

[1656] Oh, I know.

[1657] I know.

[1658] I'm a son.

[1659] And you realize, that's what, I mean, there's a whole generation.

[1660] Oh.

[1661] And that's fine.

[1662] And you can't.

[1663] Oh, why doesn't just person know who I?

[1664] I mean, you can't be upset.

[1665] It's just the nature of everything.

[1666] It's just the nature of everything.

[1667] You have a certain time and you enjoy yourself in that time and you get what you get.

[1668] And that's that.

[1669] Yeah.

[1670] So, okay, I said the thing about the phone calls for a very specific reason.

[1671] I think you have a side that's pretty well hidden that it does come out.

[1672] And you find out that you're that kind of guy that does that.

[1673] You're also over the years who've had a pretty admirable sense of humor about yourself.

[1674] That would be so hard for me. Is that easy for you?

[1675] Or you just go like, it's the only, I know it's the only way I can behave in the situation.

[1676] I mean, I make my living making fun of other people.

[1677] So how can you not be, you know, you can't?

[1678] Well, a lot of people aren't.

[1679] I mean, yes, that's an obvious point.

[1680] But at the same time, it is hard for people.

[1681] I find it hard to laugh at myself.

[1682] I got to work at it.

[1683] My mother's favorite poet was Robert Burns, you know, to see yourself as others see you.

[1684] And that's, you know, it's why I don't fool around.

[1685] I said to myself, okay, this girl wouldn't screw me when I was 25.

[1686] So why would she do it when I'm 68?

[1687] You know, I'm a very logical person.

[1688] I'm pragmatic.

[1689] I very appreciate what I have.

[1690] Been married 38 years.

[1691] It's great.

[1692] We have a great time.

[1693] We have a lot of fun.

[1694] But, yes.

[1695] And again, I think it's, I'm a very good.

[1696] I'm very grateful for every single thing that has happened.

[1697] You know, the real trick to doing this, like with hecklers, if I see a big fat guy heckling me, I make fun of his tie.

[1698] And two jokes in, he realized I'm not gone for the jugular.

[1699] He realizes I'm trying to be kind to him.

[1700] You know, I'll tell you one incident I had of road rage.

[1701] One day I'm in traffic, it's one of those days.

[1702] The guy behind me, beep, beep, beep.

[1703] Like, oh, okay, sorry, pull off, says, go around me, go around.

[1704] And the guy goes on me, he gives me their finger.

[1705] And I go, what's that all about?

[1706] He goes, fuck you, you know?

[1707] I got, let me guess.

[1708] You're 52 years old.

[1709] You're bald, you're fat, you're divorced.

[1710] Your kids hate you.

[1711] What was your best day in high school?

[1712] Was that the greatest day of your life?

[1713] What kind of job you do?

[1714] How about, okay, and then he starts crying.

[1715] Oh, boy.

[1716] And I go, look, I'm sorry.

[1717] I said, look, pull over, pull over, pull over.

[1718] So now he gets in his car.

[1719] And he goes, you're right.

[1720] Everything you said is true.

[1721] And I realized, I nailed this guy.

[1722] Everything I said, look, I'm.

[1723] Do you really have kids?

[1724] He goes, yeah, but they do hate me. I said, look, you want to bring them to the like Taylor Swift here?

[1725] You want to come to the night show?

[1726] She's on next week.

[1727] Oh, well, you got to be friends with him, and his kids met Tyler Swift.

[1728] And it was okay.

[1729] What a crazy story.

[1730] It was just stupid.

[1731] It was just one of those things.

[1732] But I realized, just looking at this guy, boom, I nailed him.

[1733] Yeah.

[1734] That's an incredible outcome to that.

[1735] Yeah, hilarious.

[1736] hilarious.

[1737] So here's the one thing I have to ask you.

[1738] And I don't want to get in the particular.

[1739] Yeah, yeah, I'm not, no, I want to get in the, there's versions of this, but I'm not very interested in some of the versions.

[1740] What is interesting to me is you, I, from what I know about you, seem very adverse to controversy.

[1741] The last thing you want is controversy.

[1742] You came into that job with controversy and you left the job with controversy.

[1743] Isn't that surreal to you?

[1744] Like, and I have no interest in, like, you rehashing anything, but I am.

[1745] Here's my answer.

[1746] Yeah.

[1747] And when you play football, who do you tackle?

[1748] the quarterback i guess the guy with the ball oh the guy yeah that's a better answer and that's really what it is because suddenly people of my friends suddenly i was this erudite really funny comic well now i suck uh -huh because i'm on tv because i'm writing jokes every single night you're writing a 12 -minute monologue every single night yeah and now you're not the cutting -edge guy anymore and you're richer and you're more successful so you're not so you took a lot of heat with that but i wouldn't change anything but did it hurt your feelings Oh, sure it did.

[1749] Okay, that's what I wanted to know.

[1750] But you learn from your mistakes.

[1751] You know, I mean, a story I've told before, and it's why whenever I see these women that get sexually assaulted, and people go, oh, why didn't they come forward?

[1752] Because, you know, when I was 19, I went into a club in Boston.

[1753] I said, I'm a comedian.

[1754] And this guy says, you're in the union?

[1755] And I said, no, you've got to be in the union.

[1756] I can't hire unless you're in the union.

[1757] I said, I didn't even know.

[1758] There was the other, there's AgVET, I said, oh, yeah, go see my friend, go see this guy.

[1759] was going.

[1760] So I go to this union office and I come in and I said I want to see about joining the union.

[1761] What do you do?

[1762] I'm a comedian.

[1763] Oh, I give it a comedian.

[1764] About a year.

[1765] A year.

[1766] It's supposed to join within six months.

[1767] You know, I could find you right now.

[1768] He starts yelling me, you know.

[1769] So I said, well, I said, well, I said, no, I'm just trying to work at a club.

[1770] The guy said, I had said, all right, all right.

[1771] I said, well, how much is it to join the union?

[1772] He says, 300 bucks.

[1773] I said, well, I don't have 300 bucks.

[1774] And then he said, how much you got?

[1775] And I went, I got 75.

[1776] Took my 70.

[1777] and gave me a business card rolling on the back, Union Man. He says, hey, show this to anybody.

[1778] So I go back to the club, and I go, hey, the guy gave me the card.

[1779] He goes, what?

[1780] You go, the guy goes, laughs in my face.

[1781] Charlie, how would you take you for?

[1782] I said, 75 bucks.

[1783] It's so funny.

[1784] It's like, now, okay, we don't get out of here.

[1785] And I realized, then I felt like Coco and fame.

[1786] Remember the last scene where maybe she's, she thinks she's in a movie and it's a porto movie?

[1787] And I realize, and I realize that's what women must feel like when they get, I mean, not, this is obviously not half as bad.

[1788] Sure, sure.

[1789] But, I mean, it made me empathetic to these people that said, why didn't they?

[1790] Because you want to be in show business so bad.

[1791] I knew I was being taken.

[1792] As I took the money out of my pocket, I realized this, why am I, too?

[1793] Right.

[1794] Some spidey senses we're telling you.

[1795] Maybe there's a chance.

[1796] And the guy took my money and wrote on this thing and then laughed in my face.

[1797] And I went, oh, man, I just got taken.

[1798] And I knew, and I knew.

[1799] And you're so ashamed.

[1800] I didn't even tell that story for years.

[1801] Uh -huh.

[1802] Because until I got successful.

[1803] Yeah.

[1804] Because it was so embarrassing.

[1805] So whenever I would see these Cosby accusers or even this woman in the Cavalier hearing, I go, yes, I believe them.

[1806] Right.

[1807] That's exact.

[1808] And if that...

[1809] I had a far less tragic experience.

[1810] And I kept that quiet.

[1811] And if that hadn't happened to me, I might not be so understanding.

[1812] So to me, people say, well, what would you change?

[1813] I wouldn't change it.

[1814] Every mistake I made.

[1815] made I learned from and I went yeah okay that made me a more empathetic person hopefully yeah I've always thought during that period that it got very high schooly and then there was like sides you had to pick and it just seemed crazy to me and I was like my personal experience with you was like oh he's a really nice guy comes backstage before you go out he's just a nice person I know he calls people when they're down like you know this seems like a very high school thing to have to pick a side in all this.

[1816] Well, that's what show business.

[1817] I mean, that's what it becomes.

[1818] And that's good.

[1819] I get, you know, something.

[1820] It's not, you know, Tim Allen and I was, you know, Tim and I were talking about this when his show got canceled.

[1821] And I said, the first rule of show business, you don't fall in love with a hooker, okay?

[1822] Because you're not going to get love back.

[1823] And that's what TV is.

[1824] I mean, they will use you whenever it comes up.

[1825] But these are not your friends.

[1826] They're people to make money off if you want.

[1827] You're all in business together.

[1828] And when they think, you know, so that's fine.

[1829] That's why I always worked on the road as a comedian.

[1830] Because when you do the monologue in the Tonight Show, you walk out, even if a joke is not funny, somebody hits a laugh button.

[1831] I remember years ago, Robin, at the height of Mork and Mindy, when it was just crazy, you know.

[1832] Yeah.

[1833] He came in the improv, says, I'm doing some new stuff tonight.

[1834] Tell me if it's any good.

[1835] It went in any day.

[1836] And Robin's like, just bouncing off the wall.

[1837] People are screaming, you know.

[1838] And he said, was that stuff any good?

[1839] And I go, no. The material wasn't.

[1840] I mean, you performed it well.

[1841] He goes, I didn't think it was that funny.

[1842] I just said this the other day on here.

[1843] I loved Robin, and I worked with him, and he's a lovely guy.

[1844] But often I would be younger, and I'd be watching on a talk show, and he would go, well, oh, I would replay what the words that were just said.

[1845] Right.

[1846] And I go, oh, none of those added up to a joke.

[1847] They were just going to noises in character, and the characters were funny enough.

[1848] And he was funny enough to get a, but he was asked, and this is not, I'm not putting Robin.

[1849] No, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.

[1850] Brilliant, the most brilliant.

[1851] an improv performer ever.

[1852] But what I mean was he could make something that wasn't funny, funny.

[1853] And he was asking me, was the material per se funny?

[1854] I go, no, the material wasn't, but you made it funnier.

[1855] It's the same thing you accused yourself of when we started, which is Letterman was maybe writing more interesting better stuff and you were performing it better.

[1856] So you're not accusing him anything you say you were guilty of.

[1857] Okay, before, I'm going to let you go now, but I'm going to tell people something.

[1858] I had an experience with you before I was ever on your show.

[1859] And so I know what the real Jay Leno is.

[1860] This isn't that men's room thing, isn't it?

[1861] Well, I was going to leave the men's room one out because there's still some court stuff.

[1862] I remember a Tinder date.

[1863] Statute of limitations.

[1864] One of my first trips to Los Angeles, I'm with three buddies.

[1865] We all work for General Motors.

[1866] We're at a traffic light in fucking Beverly Hills, California.

[1867] We're at a tower in sunset right by the Beverly Hills.

[1868] hotel we look over we're all car nerds and we see a cyclone with corvette wheels oh yeah yeah and we're like oh that's interesting somebody put corvette wheels on a cyclone that's kind of a good like we're we're on the car for so long before we ever get up to who's driving the car we eventually someone goes j lano driving and we see it's you i think i'm 19 or something maybe 18 and we start making the universal sign roll down your window which won't make sense to my kids but we start cranking, you know, right?

[1869] And you look, and you go, and you kind of throw your hands up in the air, and then you roll down the window, and you're like, yeah, what's it going on?

[1870] We're like, hey, you put Corvette wheels on this cyclone.

[1871] And you're like, yeah, yeah, I had them on this thing, and you tell us my, and we're like, oh, yeah, we work for GM and we were on the launch of that thing.

[1872] Oh, yeah, it's been a great Vortex turbo 4 .3 -liter V6, and light turns green, you don't go.

[1873] You fucking sat there and talked to us four dudes from Detroit, and we're so gracious and lovely.

[1874] And then the light turned green a second time And then you left And we were all like Oh my God, what a nice guy He just totally Have I got that truck?

[1875] No, tell me My wife and I went to Beverly Hills He can't take that compliment But yeah, continue about the truck Went to Beverly Hills to get a Christmas tree, you know The most overpriced trees But it said free delivery Hundreds of dollars these Christmas trees in LA But it said free delivery in Beverly Hills there Okay Somewhere I'm like, you know, I like this one Oh, all right, how much is 150?

[1876] All right, fine, you know And I said, here's where we deliver Where do you live?

[1877] I live.

[1878] Oh, no, that is outside the ranch.

[1879] That's next to $25.

[1880] What?

[1881] No, it says free dealers.

[1882] No, and I got it.

[1883] And there was a Chevy dealer because I said, wait here.

[1884] I know across the street.

[1885] Not was on the set.

[1886] I bought the truck.

[1887] I came back.

[1888] I said, screw you.

[1889] Like, put the truck, put the tree in the truck and drove at home.

[1890] $29 ,000 Christmas tree.

[1891] Yeah, that's right.

[1892] My wife was home back.

[1893] Yeah, yeah.

[1894] That's how I got that.

[1895] That's fantastic.

[1896] You're the only other celebrity I'm now friends with that I met when I was just a kid.

[1897] The other one was Ted Danzin.

[1898] And he also delivered big time.

[1899] Oh, yeah.

[1900] That's a great guy.

[1901] Yeah, sweetest guy ever.

[1902] He sat right where you sat, and I got to tell him that story.

[1903] Well, Jay, thank you so much for coming.

[1904] Well, thanks for having me on you guys.

[1905] I appreciate you.

[1906] I'm sorry.

[1907] I got a bit of a cold here.

[1908] No, it's a pleasure.

[1909] And I look forward to being in your shop again.

[1910] Let's do it.

[1911] All right.

[1912] Thanks, Jay.

[1913] Thanks.

[1914] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1915] I want to check them facts all night.

[1916] and party every day I want to check them facts all night and party every day I got a song Yeah, that was a kiss I like that I knew that one Oh you did?

[1917] Uh -huh I love it when you know stuff I know it's rare You know most of the stuff I don't know most of the song You're a smart lady Thank you but I don't know a lot of songs I almost called you smart young lady But guess what you're not really a young lady anymore Oh how dare you say that You're not an old lady You're not a young lady.

[1918] You're in your 30s.

[1919] You're right smack in the prime of your earning years and your powers.

[1920] Yeah, I guess that's true.

[1921] I'm not a spring chicken anymore.

[1922] You're not a little fawn fumbling around the spring grass trying to find your legs.

[1923] You're a thriving, powerful woman.

[1924] I'll never get those years back.

[1925] You don't need them back.

[1926] They led you right to where you needed to be.

[1927] That's true.

[1928] And they were great.

[1929] I have no regrets.

[1930] A lot of dinners, a lot of avocado toast.

[1931] Jason Leno.

[1932] Big deal.

[1933] Big deal for us.

[1934] Very flattered, he said yes.

[1935] Every now and then I lob off like an email to someone I just know enough to email.

[1936] I'm like, this is not really cool with me and I'm sure they're busy.

[1937] And then immediately, his lifelong assistant just immediately called me. He'd love to.

[1938] And you know what else?

[1939] He called me on the phone himself to say like, hey, mom.

[1940] It's Jay.

[1941] I'm leaving my house now.

[1942] I'll be there.

[1943] Like, what?

[1944] Yeah.

[1945] And then he arrived.

[1946] I don't think, I don't know if we talked about it, but he arrived in a Jeep in a World War II Jeep, which is cool.

[1947] Yeah.

[1948] Well, what's funny about him calling you is that I'm, you know, I'm kind of friends with him.

[1949] I've been to a shop a couple times.

[1950] I've done his show, you know, his car show and stuff.

[1951] I don't have his email or his phone number, but you do.

[1952] What happened is I was emailing with his.

[1953] assistant to get this scheduled and get this on the books.

[1954] And so she had my phone number.

[1955] So he must have said like, hey, or maybe she sent him that email, but he took it upon himself to call me. And nobody does that.

[1956] People far less famous than him do not do that.

[1957] Their assistant would be calling.

[1958] No, Jay.

[1959] He's driving around town in a fucking World War II Jeep.

[1960] Calling me on his own.

[1961] But that's what I'm saying.

[1962] You have his number now.

[1963] It was private.

[1964] Oh, smart.

[1965] Yeah.

[1966] Well done, Jay.

[1967] Yeah.

[1968] But he's still making those calls, and I really appreciated that.

[1969] Yeah.

[1970] It's that little touch.

[1971] It's that bedside manner.

[1972] I fear we're losing that as generations progress.

[1973] I think you're probably right.

[1974] Like, I don't even call people from my...

[1975] I don't call people anymore.

[1976] I have my neighbor do it.

[1977] Right, right.

[1978] The guy who's always killing darts in the alley.

[1979] He sits out in the alley and watches me change.

[1980] God, what a lucky guy he is.

[1981] So he says he'll take on some of my phone calls.

[1982] His apartment should rent for $15 ,000 a month.

[1983] If they advertised it as a direct view into Monica's bedroom, I have to imagine some creep out there would pay $15 ,000 a month.

[1984] He's seen some stuff.

[1985] Oh, boy.

[1986] Yeah.

[1987] You know who else?

[1988] Update.

[1989] I did not get fired off of my commercial.

[1990] Oh, yeah.

[1991] And we said we would update, and I'm updating.

[1992] I didn't get fired.

[1993] It went great.

[1994] But during the fitting, this has to do with working very close with Christ.

[1995] I think.

[1996] She doesn't have time for discretion.

[1997] So she's changing all over the place, and I'm more modest than that.

[1998] To know Kristen is to have seen her naked.

[1999] Yeah.

[2000] I mean, literally, I think everyone who's ever worked with her is seen her naked.

[2001] Probably, yeah.

[2002] So confident.

[2003] So I have inherited that from my mom.

[2004] And we, I inherited what?

[2005] Shyness or?

[2006] No, I inherited this new.

[2007] Oh, your mom, your Kristen mom.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] Okay, you meant your real mom.

[2010] I'm like, there's no way you're real.

[2011] Mom is like flashing her.

[2012] No. No, no, no. I inherited from my Kristen mom.

[2013] Yeah.

[2014] Your baby.

[2015] Yeah.

[2016] And I was in the fitting and I was like, fuck this.

[2017] Like I'm not waiting for the bathroom.

[2018] I do not have time.

[2019] And so I went, I just kind of stood, not even in a corner.

[2020] I just kind of like stood and was changing.

[2021] And there were boys around.

[2022] There was an open window.

[2023] And I was like, I should care and I don't.

[2024] There was boys around?

[2025] Yeah.

[2026] Were they straight boys?

[2027] Wow.

[2028] I don't know if they were or not.

[2029] Congratulations, boys.

[2030] I felt a little codependent because I was like, they're going to be uncomfortable because they're going to know, yeah.

[2031] Because they're going to know that they're not really allowed to look, but they might want to, but they don't really know what to do.

[2032] They found a way.

[2033] There was some reflective surface, hopefully, that they got a little bounce back.

[2034] Yeah, and you should never.

[2035] I was wearing a bra and underwear, but it was a thong.

[2036] Oh, boy.

[2037] Wow.

[2038] Yeah.

[2039] Well, and again, we've covered it.

[2040] But just, you know, fat naturals galore, you never need to feel bad about those being out around a guy.

[2041] The power structure is what it is.

[2042] So you're not, no guy's going to be afraid to stick up for his right.

[2043] So just never be concerned.

[2044] What you've definitely given those boys was the best birthday present of 19 came their way.

[2045] Some of them might have been married.

[2046] Even better.

[2047] Good for them.

[2048] They didn't even search it out.

[2049] They just all of a sudden they looked down.

[2050] there was a silver platter in their lap and a delicious prime rib sandwich.

[2051] Good for everyone.

[2052] You should feel generous and good about that.

[2053] Thank you.

[2054] I do.

[2055] As long as you felt safe.

[2056] I did.

[2057] I didn't care at all.

[2058] Great.

[2059] I had to do some self -reflecting after that.

[2060] Like, I should maybe care.

[2061] Yeah.

[2062] But I didn't.

[2063] If you have to make yourself care about something, that's horse hooey.

[2064] Yeah.

[2065] So yesterday we purchased some medicine.

[2066] Oh, uh -huh.

[2067] That had pseudofed in it.

[2068] Pseudoepidepidephed.

[2069] The good kind.

[2070] Yeah.

[2071] And you said you liked it because it made you alert.

[2072] Mm -hmm.

[2073] Yeah.

[2074] That scared me that you said that.

[2075] Why?

[2076] Because any time you attribute a feeling.

[2077] Okay.

[2078] To a drug.

[2079] Mm -hmm.

[2080] I don't think it's good.

[2081] I can see where that's a red flag for you, But I don't really see the distinction between that and a cup of coffee.

[2082] A cup of coffee also makes me alert.

[2083] Nicotine also makes me alert.

[2084] When I'm sick, I feel foggy.

[2085] My brain feels slow.

[2086] Yes.

[2087] And when I take pseudofed, or pseudepidepidephed, I feel back to base level.

[2088] Yeah.

[2089] Oh, I took it and I felt great yesterday.

[2090] Did you?

[2091] I was really bummed that I didn't take it during my commercial.

[2092] I was, like, kind of mad at you for not introducing that to me earlier.

[2093] But look how hesitant you are.

[2094] You're just like Kristen.

[2095] I'll say like, oh, take that.

[2096] Like, Kristen will be sick for so long.

[2097] I'm not worried about me. Oh, okay.

[2098] Because I don't do that.

[2099] Like, I didn't feel like, oh, I felt sickness -wise better.

[2100] Yeah.

[2101] But I didn't feel like, oh, it's doing something for me that I am not getting otherwise.

[2102] But maybe that's, maybe I totally misunderstood what you were saying.

[2103] Also, here's a great, like, one time I was drinking a non -alcoholic beer at a nightclub and I ran into, is someone I know from sobriety.

[2104] And they go, you drink near beer.

[2105] And I go, yeah.

[2106] And he goes, you know what they say?

[2107] When you're near beer, you're near beer.

[2108] And I go, okay, but just so you know, here's how I know this isn't real beer.

[2109] Because when I drink four of these, I don't go buy cocaine.

[2110] Right.

[2111] So that's how I know it's not real beer.

[2112] So I just tell you.

[2113] And similarly, I don't take a pseudofid.

[2114] Yeah.

[2115] I take a pseudofid as prescribed.

[2116] And then I don't abuse it in any way.

[2117] If it were a little more powerful and it brought the beast online, I would eat a whole box of them.

[2118] Right.

[2119] So that's how I know it's in the zone.

[2120] Like, there's no way I could ever do a line of cocaine.

[2121] Right.

[2122] And then the box of cocaine is just in the cupboard.

[2123] You know what I'm saying?

[2124] Yeah.

[2125] That's like a very easy distinction for me to make.

[2126] Like, do I crave for the thing after?

[2127] So it doesn't make me feel that alert or optimistic that I would use it.

[2128] I'm probably misunderstood then.

[2129] I'm sorry.

[2130] Oh, you don't need to be sorry.

[2131] I mean, all I heard is that you're concerned about me and you love me. That's what it was.

[2132] Yeah.

[2133] That's exactly what it was.

[2134] I'm grateful for that.

[2135] I have to explain myself to people.

[2136] I lost the right not to.

[2137] And that's okay.

[2138] I don't want you to feel like that.

[2139] Like you have to explain yourself to me. I just.

[2140] Well, to alleviate fears that are very grounded in my past behavior.

[2141] So I'll live with that, you know, forever.

[2142] Yeah, but I'm sure it's annoying.

[2143] When I do fantasize about drinking in my retirement, which I always tell you like as soon as my penis doesn't work and I don't drive a car anymore and I only drive a golf cart, I think, why not drink?

[2144] What are the consequences?

[2145] Yeah.

[2146] When I'm having that fantasy, I have to include the fact that everyone's going to be so uncomfortable around me while I'm just enjoying the twilight of my years at 85.

[2147] No, I'm going to have to have a whole new batch of friends so that I can, or they're going to have to just get with the program.

[2148] You're going to get rid of us?

[2149] Well, otherwise, I'll be having like, I'll be enjoying my Miller High Life's driving my golf cart.

[2150] Penis is totally flaccid, not going to function ever again in my life.

[2151] And people will be concerned.

[2152] Yeah.

[2153] They won't want to be around me, even if it's fun.

[2154] Are we supporting, are we enabling him?

[2155] So I'll probably have to pick up a couple new friends.

[2156] I want to be still hanging out with you then.

[2157] Yeah, it'll be a blast, though.

[2158] I'll cruise around in my golf car with my flaccid penis and see what kind of non -trouble we can get into.

[2159] Shuffleboard.

[2160] I can't fight anyone.

[2161] The bones will be too brittle.

[2162] I'll be so hunched over because, you know, so tall.

[2163] You'll shrink.

[2164] I'll be a C. I'll just be a C. I'll be probably ideal for shuffleboard because you want to be bent over.

[2165] That's true.

[2166] And you're going to be even tinier, which I can't wait for.

[2167] What if I really turn into a mouse for real?

[2168] I'll love it.

[2169] Well, cheese and crackers and Miller High Life.

[2170] Yeah.

[2171] You know what, though?

[2172] I think when I'm that age, I'm probably not going to be drinking anymore.

[2173] That's weird and interesting.

[2174] That we have the opposite.

[2175] Opposite schedules.

[2176] Here's the other thing.

[2177] Do you even think someone would, in good conscience, sell me cocaine when I'm 90?

[2178] You would do cocaine?

[2179] No, what I'm saying is it's probably not even a risk of me doing cocaine once I'm drunk because who would sell a 90 -year -old man cocaine?

[2180] That'd be like selling a baby.

[2181] be cocaine.

[2182] I know.

[2183] But if I was a drug dealer and some 90 -year -old C came up to me with a flaccid penis and a golf car, I'd be like, if I sell him this bag of Coke, he's going to have a heart attack.

[2184] Yeah, like literally in an hour he'll be dead.

[2185] Yeah, they'd knowingly be killing you.

[2186] Absolutely.

[2187] So I also think that's in my favor, that I wouldn't even be able to get cocaine if I wanted.

[2188] I think most drug dealers are really ethical, so I think that you're in good shape.

[2189] Yeah.

[2190] Me too.

[2191] Okay, so.

[2192] Sure Jay would appreciate this preamble to his fact.

[2193] Yes, because he's very sober.

[2194] Never drank.

[2195] Yeah.

[2196] That's the one group of people I have the hardest relating to.

[2197] That's not true.

[2198] Because my best friend, Andrew Panay, has never drank either.

[2199] You just can't understand it.

[2200] I can't fathom it.

[2201] I can't fathom being on planet earth and looking around at all the other adults and they're all doing this thing they seem to enjoy and just going, never going to try that.

[2202] It's just so outside of my nature.

[2203] Yeah, I know.

[2204] It's not outside of mine.

[2205] Like, if you were juggling chainsaws and you were laughing and having a great time doing it, my next thought would be, I got to try that.

[2206] If I observe someone having a good time and enjoying something, I want to do what they're doing.

[2207] Yeah, I don't have that.

[2208] I mean, I like, I like doing, I like drinking, but I like it.

[2209] Like, it's not because.

[2210] You like doing drinking.

[2211] I like doing drinking.

[2212] Well, don't say I'm a heavy drinker.

[2213] You're a very heavy drinker.

[2214] Oh, boy.

[2215] Okay.

[2216] I did have two losses of wine last night.

[2217] If you really had a, if I was concerned about your drinking, I wouldn't joke about it.

[2218] I know, I know, I know.

[2219] You'd have a heart to heart with you.

[2220] But I got a little nervous.

[2221] I mean, this is the thing.

[2222] The things that you say to me, I hear.

[2223] Okay.

[2224] Not in a bad, in a very good way.

[2225] But I was noticing, I mean, I noticed it twice yesterday because I had therapy.

[2226] And I was talking about something that you said to me. Uh -oh.

[2227] And that it affected something later.

[2228] Not bad.

[2229] Okay.

[2230] And not wrong.

[2231] Okay.

[2232] You said I have a lot of fears.

[2233] And you would also independently over New Year's recognize, oh, my whole family has fear.

[2234] Yes.

[2235] So when I was home and I was noticing that, two things.

[2236] One, there was a part of me that was like, I'm doing fucking great considering.

[2237] Right, yeah.

[2238] Like, if you really tuned into what, how much caution was happening, I'm just, I'm I've totally surpassed that.

[2239] Right.

[2240] But I haven't.

[2241] There are traces.

[2242] Anyway.

[2243] But then I felt a little bit like, because I was getting really annoyed with my family.

[2244] Uh -huh.

[2245] Because of that, because I noticed it.

[2246] And I was doing my thing with them.

[2247] Yep.

[2248] But then when I went back to my guilt, it always circles back to guilt.

[2249] Of course.

[2250] But I was like, if I hadn't been aware.

[2251] of that, which I was aware of it because of our conversation.

[2252] I was like, I'm being mean to them because of a conversation that I gave a lot of power to.

[2253] I would have found a way to be mean to them regardless.

[2254] It would have been something.

[2255] It definitely would have been something.

[2256] I know that for sure.

[2257] But I was like, I've never noticed this in my life.

[2258] Ah, prior.

[2259] Uh -huh.

[2260] About them.

[2261] Yeah, yeah.

[2262] And now that I was made.

[2263] aware of it recently and feeling like I really don't like that about myself, seeing it and them and then blaming them and then being mean to them.

[2264] I was like, I'm behaving in a way I don't like because of this other thing.

[2265] Mm -hmm.

[2266] It was just interesting.

[2267] Yeah.

[2268] Can I just be clear on my thing about fear, though?

[2269] Yeah.

[2270] is my just overall general thought on a fear is we typically worry about and obsess over things that, A, we have no control over, B, aren't the things we end up suffering from.

[2271] It's almost never that, you know, someone who's terrified of getting raped their whole life, they're not worried about breast cancer, and that's what they get, you know.

[2272] It's just really, I just think if you look at odds -wise, percentage -wise, the things we worry about, aren't the things we end up suffering from.

[2273] So it just truly is a waste of time.

[2274] Yeah.

[2275] And it's also an incredible waste of time to concern yourself with things you have no power over.

[2276] Like, yeah, I've said it before on here, but it's why I'm not nervous on an airplane.

[2277] I have no illusion of any sway over the outcome.

[2278] I'm just, I am in a powerless, I'm along for the fucking ride.

[2279] Totally.

[2280] So any second I spend thinking about it is just a waste of time.

[2281] Yeah.

[2282] So it's not like I'm saying fear in general is bad or you shouldn't listen to your intuition.

[2283] or anything.

[2284] I just think it's like something to check in with yourself on as I try to, you know.

[2285] I fully agree with everything you said.

[2286] I want to be that.

[2287] But I think what you maybe aren't considering is you did not grow up in a fear -based house.

[2288] Not at all.

[2289] Your mom is not a risk taker.

[2290] Not at all.

[2291] And my dad's even beyond.

[2292] her more extreme yeah yeah so it's probably easier for you big time shed that and even like chemically probably you i've been probably given more of that than you for sure so anyway i'm just saying like i just and i i don't that doesn't really matter i still think it's something to work towards regardless of what you've been given but uh it just was, I was very aware that I have made progress on that, considering.

[2293] Yeah.

[2294] Anyway, I forgot why I said that in the first place, because there was something else.

[2295] Oh, drinking.

[2296] Oh, yes.

[2297] So you, you are, you joke, you tease.

[2298] But.

[2299] In my opinion, you, and I think I've said this to you, you have the perfect relationship with alcohol in my mind.

[2300] Like if I was shopping for a version, I wouldn't want yours.

[2301] I know.

[2302] want to be someone who has a glass of wine.

[2303] I would like to get tipsy.

[2304] Yeah.

[2305] That's to me the fun part.

[2306] Yeah.

[2307] And not continue doing it till four in the morning by myself at home.

[2308] Right.

[2309] To me, you're right in the sweet spot of what I would want to be as a drinker.

[2310] That's true, but I, it just made me think about it.

[2311] Like, do I, do I drink?

[2312] Do I like it more than most people?

[2313] And the original conversation, you said, I think you like it more than most people.

[2314] And that made me think like do I then I sort of came to the conclusion that I don't but then but now I'm sort of back around that maybe I did well I had said oh I was thinking about drinking the other day and then I was you know as you're trained to do I'm thinking the whole thing through and what I realize is that if I drink even if I did it successfully in terms of I didn't black out I had four drinks a night, even if I could do that version of it, I'd want to do that version of it every single night.

[2315] There just wouldn't be a night where I wouldn't be in the mood to feel a little more drunk.

[2316] I don't know, whatever.

[2317] Yeah.

[2318] I was just being honest with myself that like when I like to do something and I'm doing it in a manner that I don't think has consequences or wreckage, I do that thing at all times.

[2319] I know.

[2320] I know.

[2321] I don't, I'm not just, occasionally in the mood to do the things I like.

[2322] I want to do them every day, all day.

[2323] Yeah, I feel similar.

[2324] Like, Kristen forget she likes things all the time.

[2325] Yeah, I don't understand that.

[2326] Yeah.

[2327] Like, oh, I love this restaurant.

[2328] I'm like, oh, if I love a restaurant, I think about it once a day.

[2329] Like, oh, I got to go there.

[2330] When am I going next?

[2331] I know.

[2332] I have the same disposition.

[2333] Yeah.

[2334] Yeah.

[2335] But anyway, so yesterday I had, I only had half an avocado and a string cheese all day, but it wasn't hungry.

[2336] It was weird.

[2337] And then I got home.

[2338] And I was like, should I eat dinner?

[2339] I'm not really hungry.

[2340] I hope maybe I'll have a glass of wine.

[2341] But then I really was like, what?

[2342] So I'm going to have wine for dinner.

[2343] And what is happening?

[2344] And do I even want it?

[2345] And then I was stand.

[2346] It was kind of.

[2347] I was standing in front of it.

[2348] And I was staring at it.

[2349] And I was like, do I want this?

[2350] Yeah.

[2351] And I drank it.

[2352] Yeah.

[2353] And I was like, I don't have time to think about this.

[2354] I have stuff to do.

[2355] I'm just going to pour it and drink it.

[2356] Yeah.

[2357] And I had two.

[2358] Yeah.

[2359] That takes me back big time.

[2360] Because I always was like, I'm going to cook dinner for Brie and I. And I'd start pulling shit out of the fridge, the ingredients, and I'd see the beers in there.

[2361] Yeah.

[2362] It's also fun to cook and drink and do dishes and drink and do laundry and drink.

[2363] Yes.

[2364] And my favorite part of drinking while cooking is you're going to have a couple of a couple beers while you make spaghetti and then at a certain point you're enjoying being drunk so much you don't want to eat anymore like so often for me I'd be like well this was scheduled to be done at 7 p .m., but I know I want to drink at least till 9.

[2365] I don't want to like ruin this, this joyous buzz with a big belly full of pasta.

[2366] So you generally just kick dinner down the road a couple hours and have those Amstale lights.

[2367] Yeah.

[2368] Anywho.

[2369] Okay, so he mentions man on the moon.

[2370] Remember he says like, oh, I couldn't see the man on the moon and then I saw it and both of us were like, I don't know what you're talking about.

[2371] Yeah, he said that as if it was as, as, as ubiquitous as the moon itself.

[2372] Exactly.

[2373] To know the moon is to know the man on the moon.

[2374] Yeah.

[2375] And so then I looked up some pictures and it's just the way like, it's called, the man on the moon is made up various lunar Maria, lunar Maria, lunar maria.

[2376] And they're just like flat spots on the moon, they're also called seas, because for a long time, astronomers believe there were large bodies of water.

[2377] So it's just like, it's just.

[2378] They're really craters, right, by Debris that's pounded into the moon over time, I think.

[2379] Anyway, but I saw in the pictures, I was like, oh, I see what they mean.

[2380] But I've never noticed it in life.

[2381] Did it look like Mac Tonight?

[2382] Remember the McDonald's moon that would sing the song Mac Tonight?

[2383] Oh, vaguely.

[2384] Yeah, you were just a teeny little mouse baby.

[2385] Just a little baby.

[2386] Okay, did salsa pass ketchup as the number one condiment in America?

[2387] Five years ago, it did.

[2388] But then I think ketchup came back around.

[2389] Ketchup caught up?

[2390] Yeah.

[2391] But there's a lot of conflicting information on what's the most popular condiment in America.

[2392] So I wish I could be more definitive.

[2393] But some articles said saracha.

[2394] Don't buy that for half a fucking set.

[2395] But then a few, which, so I'm more likely to believe mayonnaise.

[2396] Manez is.

[2397] Over salsa and ketchup?

[2398] Yeah.

[2399] I have to think ketchup is the number one.

[2400] Well, I think ketchup comes in and out.

[2401] No disrespect to Jay Leno, but.

[2402] ketchup comes in and out.

[2403] It depends on the year.

[2404] Yep.

[2405] Okay, so you said UCLA was $3 ,800 for tuition.

[2406] And then you said that you have heard USC $60 ,000 a year.

[2407] Uh -huh.

[2408] Which that's because it's private, that it's that expensive.

[2409] Yeah.

[2410] So it sounded like you were sort of making this connection to like when you were at UCLA, it was only this.

[2411] And now you heard a USC is 60, but that's sort of not a...

[2412] Apples and oranges.

[2413] Right, a little bit apples and oranges.

[2414] But USC currently is 27 ,000 a semester.

[2415] And you take three semesters a year?

[2416] No, two.

[2417] I can't remember how like semesters versus quarters work.

[2418] Quarter's four, semesters, two.

[2419] Oh, okay.

[2420] Yeah.

[2421] So, 54 grand for just classes, and then you have room and board.

[2422] So it's probably north of 60.

[2423] At least, yeah.

[2424] Yeah, I would say more.

[2425] Okay.

[2426] Hit me with UCLA.

[2427] UCLA tuition is 13 ,225.

[2428] For the year?

[2429] For the year.

[2430] Ah.

[2431] But I believe that's in state.

[2432] because so it all okay it said total with everything this is on their website total with everything books supplies dorm dorm that's pricey yeah that's 34 ,677 a year mm -hmm for a better school than USC and out of state for everything is 63 ,000 yeah well you got to be in state also if you live at home I'll pay 13 grand for the girls to go to UCLA and a heartbeat I'll feel like I'm robin Peter to pay Paul.

[2433] I know.

[2434] Well, that's like, you know, I got, I had free tuition.

[2435] Yeah, tasty.

[2436] They were not going to let me do anything about that.

[2437] Yeah, exactly.

[2438] But I think what can happen, because that happened to Eric is he's told his whole life and his grandpa was Native American.

[2439] I know.

[2440] It happens to all.

[2441] And then something happened like his conclusion now is maybe he, someone got adopted and no one said because he had zero Native American once he mapped his genome.

[2442] Well, no. What it is is is everyone thinks they've done.

[2443] descended from Native America.

[2444] Like, everyone.

[2445] Well, I think his great grandpa or his grandpa was visibly Native American.

[2446] Oh, really?

[2447] Yeah.

[2448] That's unsettling.

[2449] This is why you can't dive too deep, you know?

[2450] I mean, you can with 23 and me, but after that, you can't go deeper.

[2451] Right.

[2452] You just, just take the lore and run with it.

[2453] Yeah.

[2454] Yeah.

[2455] But I didn't get free tuition because of my minorities.

[2456] There's a Hope Scholarship in Georgia paid for by the, lottery.

[2457] Cool.

[2458] That if you, if you earn a certain GPA in high school, you qualify for free tuition at a Georgia school.

[2459] State University.

[2460] That's so cool.

[2461] Yeah.

[2462] And it was brand new when I was there.

[2463] But not even your dorm?

[2464] No. No. Just tuition.

[2465] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2466] Um, okay, I wonder if this is interesting.

[2467] You know, his memory was so incredible.

[2468] Remember his recall for names?

[2469] Like my mom's.

[2470] That's what I was about to say.

[2471] Your mom had the same thing.

[2472] And they're around the same age.

[2473] They are.

[2474] I wonder if that's part of it.

[2475] With all this technology and social media and all these things, it's crowding a part of our brain that could have been used for recall.

[2476] For sure.

[2477] Ugh.

[2478] Like you just meet way too many people and you know people online and all this shit.

[2479] Yeah.

[2480] Yeah.

[2481] Even the amount of relationships you can maintain with this technology because I can maintain 30 friendships by texting.

[2482] But back in the day when I had to sit down and fucking call someone on the phone and hope that they were there.

[2483] Like, you physically couldn't maintain that many friendships.

[2484] Yeah.

[2485] But now you can juggle all these friendships.

[2486] And it was probably way more meaningful back then.

[2487] Maybe.

[2488] It's hard to know.

[2489] I guess I lived through both phases.

[2490] I have a very idyllic memory of my core friendship group in Michigan.

[2491] That's for sure.

[2492] Back when we just called each other on the phone.

[2493] Yeah.

[2494] And we just always had to be together.

[2495] There's too cumbersome to track someone down.

[2496] So you just stayed together the whole time.

[2497] I loved talking on the phone.

[2498] It was a real hobby.

[2499] I would talk for hours.

[2500] Me too.

[2501] Maybe that was our training for this.

[2502] Maybe.

[2503] Yeah.

[2504] Keeping that ball in the air.

[2505] Yeah.

[2506] I mean, sometimes I'd be like, okay, I have to go eat dinner.

[2507] Hold on.

[2508] Right.

[2509] And then I'd go eat dinner and then come back.

[2510] They'd be waiting and vice versa.

[2511] Then I'd wait while they ate dinner.

[2512] I mean.

[2513] Did you ever try to go to sleep on the phone with your friend?

[2514] No. Well, I don't know.

[2515] I have tried to.

[2516] It's never been successful.

[2517] What do you mean?

[2518] What do you mean?

[2519] Like you're talking and you're laying in bed and it's getting really late.

[2520] Or it's like my girlfriend, Randy Hamina.

[2521] We'd be like, let's just sleep on the phone together.

[2522] It sounded so fun.

[2523] Yeah.

[2524] It's kind of like we're going to be sleeping together.

[2525] Oh, yeah.

[2526] And we'd be like, all right, good night.

[2527] And then there would be this 20 minute fate.

[2528] And then someone would have to pull a plug.

[2529] It was just too bizarre.

[2530] So what were you eventually just going to hear?

[2531] You're like, Yeah, but then you wouldn't hear it because you'd be sleeping.

[2532] Well, whoever fell asleep first, though, you might hear, like, cute Randy Hammond going like.

[2533] That's cute.

[2534] That's kind of cute.

[2535] I would have liked it.

[2536] Yeah.

[2537] I would like, I think I would like that.

[2538] I like all this stuff, you know, that about me. I like that.

[2539] Even if I would have heard her, like, a little toot on accident or so.

[2540] You would like that.

[2541] Yeah.

[2542] Okay.

[2543] So speaking of memory, Mary Lou Henner, lady with the super memory.

[2544] From taxi fame.

[2545] Yes.

[2546] Yes, her condition is called hyperthymisia.

[2547] Ooh.

[2548] Yeah.

[2549] Or total recall memory.

[2550] Like the Schwarzenegger movie.

[2551] I know.

[2552] Total recall.

[2553] I'm so jealous of this.

[2554] Although you know it's accompanied by a bit of OCD.

[2555] You don't have a hard time looking at me when I do this accent, do you?

[2556] No, I'm going to get better.

[2557] Ah.

[2558] Okay.

[2559] Yeah, but I wouldn't want the accompanying OCD.

[2560] that's true that's true but it's not worth it to me but she can remember specific details of every day of her life since she was a small child yeah she can tell you the weather of any day who just hit her with a date and she'll go oh it was rainy until about noon it cleared up she did she did that on 60 minutes wow it's crazy she said the closest description of the way her memory works is the scene selection feature on DVD menu she says she sees her memories as an entire year that she can scroll through, and then when she locates a particular memory, she can go into see dates and other various details, such as what she was wearing and who she was with at the time.

[2561] She did also say in that interview, though, that it's hard because she remembers all the pain very well.

[2562] Yeah, that's interesting.

[2563] That most people forget.

[2564] Yeah.

[2565] I think the pain is the first thing you forget.

[2566] Yeah, totally.

[2567] So the good stuff sticks around a little bit more, so that would be hard.

[2568] And also what's hard is if she were being accused of a crime, she couldn't be like, oh, I don't remember what happened between two and four.

[2569] I don't remember.

[2570] That was three weeks ago.

[2571] I don't remember.

[2572] Like, she remembers.

[2573] She does.

[2574] She knows she committed that crime.

[2575] Yeah.

[2576] In every horrid detail.

[2577] Exactly.

[2578] How many plunges of that blade into that abdomen?

[2579] Oh, God.

[2580] You really took it there.

[2581] Whenever we watch these crime shows, which we do a lot, you know, and whenever they, whenever they find stabbing victims, there's always a shocking number of strikes.

[2582] Have you noticed this?

[2583] Yeah.

[2584] What's occurred to me is like once you start stabbing somebody, you get carried away.

[2585] That's obvious.

[2586] It's always like 32 stab wounds, 64 stab wounds.

[2587] I mean, I can't think of anything grosser than inserting a knife into a human body.

[2588] And the thought that people minimally do it 32 times when they choose to lets me know that it quickly gets out of hand.

[2589] Once you cross that threshold, you just can't Well, I think your brain is probably already on some type of hyperdrive if you're even beginning to start stabbing a person.

[2590] Great point.

[2591] Yeah, but yeah.

[2592] Okay, WD 40.

[2593] He said that's water disperse.

[2594] He said dispersion.

[2595] Oh.

[2596] 40 tries.

[2597] Yeah.

[2598] And that's true, but it's water displacement.

[2599] But water displacement 40th formula.

[2600] He's so knowledgeable.

[2601] So cool.

[2602] I don't think he didn't really allow me to put his first.

[2603] of a point on it as I wanted to.

[2604] But when I tell you that he knows every single screw in a fucking Weber carburetor, it is.

[2605] I've never seen someone's brain work the way his does in front of something mechanical.

[2606] Yeah, that's so interesting.

[2607] We also didn't get into it.

[2608] But, you know, in his shop, he doesn't just have cars.

[2609] He's obsessed with all mechanized anything.

[2610] So he has one of the first steam power generators in there.

[2611] He has all these steam generators, locomotive engines, everything, and he knows every part of those.

[2612] He knows, you know, a 200 -year -old machine, he knows every piece of he could put it together and make it run.

[2613] That's crazy.

[2614] I got to tip my hat to Jason.

[2615] I do, too.

[2616] I don't wear hats, but I'll tip my head.

[2617] Yeah, you'll bow.

[2618] I'll bow for him.

[2619] Okay, so you sort of say, Leno, you know, he's kind, and he'll call people after incidents or something, and he mentioned Bill Maher.

[2620] Uh -huh.

[2621] And I didn't really know or remember what you were talking about or he was talking about.

[2622] Brave?

[2623] Yeah, he's right around 9 -11 right after he, on his talk show politically incorrect, his former talk show, he said, we've been the cowards lobbying cruise missiles from 2 ,000 miles away.

[2624] That's cowardly.

[2625] Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, not cowardly.

[2626] That was his quote.

[2627] That really rubbed people the wrong way.

[2628] I guess did not like that.

[2629] I mean, I think just because the heightened...

[2630] It was so close to the wound.

[2631] Yeah.

[2632] Hadn't even...

[2633] Yeah, there was no healing.

[2634] I know.

[2635] It is weird, though.

[2636] Like, it's one of those moments where your nationalism trumps your dedication to the truth, which is like just on paper, it's a factual statement that one thing takes more courage than another.

[2637] Yeah.

[2638] To push a button versus grab the yoke.

[2639] but we want to say we want to be able to reserve all pejoratives for them so we want to be able to call them cowardly we want to you know every bad word we must reserve for them yeah yeah i know it's fascinating um that's it that's it yeah well you you brought that plane down under the runway in perfect timing because we have a guest about to arrive yes and i have to take three more peas to chay about plane landing Oh, beautiful.

[2640] Good transition.

[2641] Thank you.

[2642] But not a touche.

[2643] This is, we always debate this with Jess.

[2644] Touchet is a comeback that kind of trumps the first burn.

[2645] Okay.

[2646] But, um, the touche is generally like, I go, nice hat, but I'm wearing like, I have a flower in my lapel, and you're like, nice flower.

[2647] And then I go, touche.

[2648] That's right.

[2649] That's right.

[2650] That's right.

[2651] It's a fencing term, I think, right.

[2652] It's like a counter.

[2653] counter attack?

[2654] I think so, yeah.

[2655] Yeah.

[2656] We need to learn more about fencing.

[2657] Yeah, sure do.

[2658] Okay, that's all.

[2659] I love you to pieces.

[2660] Love you.

[2661] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[2662] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and add free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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