#695 - Sebastian Maniscalco

[0] Actually, I'm a double date tonight.

[1] Oh, and we're live!

[2] If you're looking for something to do in Hollywood tonight at the comedy store, Brian Red Band, ooh, he's right here.

[3] He has a big show tonight, big show, big show, big show at the comedy store.

[4] Jim Florentine, fucking hilarious.

[5] Dom Irera, Jesus fucking Christ.

[6] Ben Glebe, Steve, I don't know how to pronounce his last name, but he's hilarious.

[7] A .G. He's fucking hilarious, but I always ruin his last name.

[8] Dean Del Rey, fresh off of a fucking motorcycle accident.

[9] The kid can't be stopped.

[10] Brian Moses.

[11] Jesus fucking Christ, what a lineup.

[12] Brian Redband, Mike Lawrence, Tony fucking Hinchcliff, Mark Seratella, and Secret Guest.

[13] Two of them, which I know, which are national headliners and very hilarious guys.

[14] Yes.

[15] Well, I can't save it to Cairo, girl.

[16] One of them is fucking famous as shit.

[17] But apparently this bitch is too big to have her name put on the...

[18] I say, bitch, would all do respect.

[19] In reference to Dahmer Rera.

[20] We'd all do respect.

[21] Tonight, though, at 8 .30 at the Comedy Store main room.

[22] Tickets are only $10 on sale right now.

[23] Yeah, they're on Brian's Twitter.

[24] They're on my Twitter.

[25] And if you go to the Comedy Store .com, you can buy the tickets.

[26] Fucking Sebastian!

[27] Speaking of the Comedy Store over here, this guy.

[28] What's happening?

[29] Nice to be here.

[30] You and I have been friends for a long fucking time, my friend.

[31] I remember when you first started.

[32] 1998.

[33] You were very prevalent at the Comedy Store when I first came there.

[34] You were like a...

[35] You were there.

[36] every night and then you left and now you're back yeah i'm back i love it back man i'm having a great time i think this is the golden age of that place fucking amazing now right well compared to some of the times that we shared there when uh 2000 2001 i was a young fledgling comedian and uh wearing snake skin see -through shirts you definitely had a very interesting style like a long island club style trying to bring the nightclub scene to the stage that's what I guess it was I tried that once I mean didn't you ever go through like I gotta have an outfit yeah yeah what was your outfit my first time on stage this is how retarded I am not just my first time the first three or four times I tried to dress like a comedian from that movie punchline you know like I would wear like the sneakers with a like a jacket like a blazer but with the sleeves rolled up and maybe a wacky t -shirt or I had a wanky pin like a pin with a smiley face of a bullet hole in his head or something oh so embarrassing when I stop and think about what a fucking tool I was you know but at least that's in the normal kind of but I was wearing Melrose Avenue snake skin see through where you could see my nipples you were too I remember it this isn't bullshit you would wear some of the wacky as shit.

[37] Yeah, it was awful.

[38] I was just trying to find my footing.

[39] I was just trying to be different.

[40] And, yeah, I had to go through that stage, I guess.

[41] Was that all your idea?

[42] Did you have a manager that...

[43] No, this is all me. I came up with these marketing schemes.

[44] When I first came out to Los Angeles, I'm coming from Chicago.

[45] And I come from a family where my father's a hairdresser, my mother's a secretary.

[46] Nobody's in the entertainment business.

[47] So I'm like, how am I going to crack into this?

[48] So what I did was I went and I took some modeling shots off the expressway and some weeds.

[49] This is professional shots.

[50] In weeds?

[51] Yeah, I did the, I don't know if you ever did the like Barbissan modeling thing where you heard it on the radio.

[52] If you think you got it, come down and I did that on the download.

[53] So I went in, I took my photos.

[54] I brought them home.

[55] My mother's like that the photo is beautiful.

[56] you gotta send this out this is Hollywood's gonna love this so what I did was I shrank it down until like a 4x6 and at the time they had a Photoshop on the back you could you could there was like a bunch of people watching a movie screen so in the movie screen you could type text so I typed in coming this summer Sebastian like it was a movie I didn't put any phone number I figured I'm just going to wet their beak with the photo this is how sick I was so I'm thinking the casting directors are going to get it and go oh and then look he didn't leave a number so when I got to L .A. I sent out another batch and it said now playing in Los Angeles with the phone number now one phone call none call zero that was it that was it that was my entree.

[57] I would have felt like there at least one dude trying to fuck you.

[58] If I was a sleazy casting director and I was of the gay inclination, I think you're my fucking kind of guy.

[59] You're like, that's perfect.

[60] I didn't even make a gay bike.

[61] See through the snake skin shirt.

[62] Fucking A man, this is my guy.

[63] I've been waiting for him to go.

[64] Terrible.

[65] I went on stage one weekend.

[66] one of the worst times I ever bombed in my life.

[67] There was a bunch of factors that led to this bombing.

[68] But one of them that I was dressed up like I was going out to a club.

[69] And I was like the first time I'd ever done it.

[70] Like I had Cavariccichies.

[71] Remember Cavaricis?

[72] They were like tight at the top and they kind of ballooned out a little bit in the legs.

[73] Very nice.

[74] I had like a nice shirt, button up.

[75] Look good.

[76] I had hair back then.

[77] And I was on stage and just fucking eating plates of shit.

[78] And then I remember it was like being so.

[79] Uncomfortable with the way I was dressing and bombing I went on after Brewer.

[80] It was like one of my it was one of the pivotal moments of my young career I'd only been doing comedy like I gotta say like three years maybe and I was headlining really shouldn't have been headlining Really didn't have the time.

[81] It's just bullshit I was I bullshit in my way in the position and I kind of pulled it off till Saturday night late night show Saturday night show Brewer went up and lit the fucking place on fire.

[82] I mean he crushed like I'd never seen any comic crush before up into that moment it was just like Jesus I was terrified backstage fucking terrified just didn't know how to follow anybody back then didn't know how to laugh at it and just ride the wave and have fun just it went up there and eight plates of shit but part of it was definitely I was super uncomfortable with the way I was dressed I was like what am I doing but were you wearing that off were you were a cavarici guy or did you just figure if I was trying to get late I guess I probably would I didn't know what the fuck I was doing I was so lost I was just lost I would wear whatever worked you know when you're trying to get laid and you're a young guy you fucking wear whatever they like the clothing is entirely dictated by the success like women's appeal like what women find appealing that's what we wear whatever the fuck there's a reason why the fanny pack this is why people can't wear fanny packs my beloved fanny pack right here see I'm married I can pull that shit off if you're not trying to get laid you can wear that fucking thing or if you don't give a fuck if you get divorced You can wear that thing.

[83] But if you're a guy, if you're a young guy, hoping to impress a gal, and you walk around with a fucking bag bolted to your waist, you know.

[84] It's not going to.

[85] It's got to wear what they want you to wear.

[86] It's all dictated by women.

[87] Fashion, if it was just men on the planet, there would be no fucking designer shoes.

[88] There would be, there would be nothing.

[89] There would be nothing.

[90] We'd all be wearing skins.

[91] We'd all be wearing animal skins or whatever the fuck is comfortable.

[92] Cotton, shit, shorts.

[93] Nobody would give a fuck.

[94] If there was no women, if it was just removed from the equation, if no longer, if there was no, like, not only were there no women, like, we didn't need to reproduce, people live forever, and every guy that's here is going to be here forever.

[95] That's it.

[96] These are the people, done.

[97] It would be, the fashion industry would tank.

[98] It would go crashing down to the ground so quick.

[99] But does your wife have any say on what you wear?

[100] Like, Joe, you want to put, like, a button up on?

[101] If we go out, she will ask me to wear something nice.

[102] If we go out.

[103] Like, if we're going out to a nice day.

[104] dinner somewhere and we'll do like a date night go nice little restaurant we've been lately going to these michelin rated restaurants you ever do that yeah yeah you go to find oh it's a michelin rated one oh it's a five -star one and you go to these place did ever go to those have they still have michelin rated restaurants it is worth going because it's all those crazy foodie people like have you ever met a real foodie like a legit foodie you know like they'll tell you like where the spots are we have some friends that are like so like brian callan knows all the spots Callan and his wife are like legit foodies Callan is like he's a legit foodie And a legit wine connoisseur Like he really knows I just remember shit I like try to pick stuff that's expensive Like that's a hundred bucks It's gotta be good You know what I mean He's just like it's can't be terrible And but Callan knows like where it's from What part of France They grow the gray He'll tell you how the grapes Are fucking different than the other grapes But these restaurants Then like we go to one of those Like she'll ask me I have to wear shoes I have crocodile shoes Crocodile skin shoes Fuck, yeah, I do So those come out on the Michelin night Fuck yeah I wore them the other night Double date with Caldna's wife I'm my fucking gaiters on Woo, looking slick dude I'm telling you Is there something that you wear That your wife hates Every time you wear Like do you have like a certain Yes Those barbell jeans Those jeans that I have They're elastic They're fucking totally They're rubber jeans They're fucking elastic They look like jeans Right But like Spanx But when you pull them They're like this.

[105] They're like this cloth.

[106] Like they look exactly like jeans.

[107] I wear them on stage all the time, but they don't bind you at all.

[108] The company sent them to me. Well, there's a bunch of companies.

[109] Diesel makes them now, a lot of...

[110] But they don't make them with as much elastic as barbell, though.

[111] Barbell's the shit.

[112] Those are like fucking...

[113] There's no resistance.

[114] It's like...

[115] Like your legs can...

[116] You can do full splits in them.

[117] No problem at all.

[118] You can kick somebody in the head wearing those.

[119] You wouldn't have any resistance.

[120] Does you not like them because they're not realistic?

[121] They're ridiculous.

[122] Like, girls don't like, they don't like, anybody finding out you're wearing rubber stretch jeans?

[123] Rubber jeans?

[124] You can't.

[125] They'll find out.

[126] You're fucking husband is wearing them.

[127] They'll mock him.

[128] Oh, so is your husband still wearing those jeans?

[129] Is he wearing yoga pants, too?

[130] Do you guys go out and he wears yoga pants?

[131] So they like yoga pants in gene form.

[132] They're not that tight, but.

[133] I'll have another pair that she fucking hates.

[134] I think she hides them because I can't find them.

[135] They have a draw string They tie at the top And she's like Those are fat people parents And I go Well first of all you're fat shaming Okay Second of all If you are not overweight I'm not an overweight person So if I'm wearing these Will you give a fuck if I'm wearing fat people jeans You know but it To her Like the fact that they have a string That you tie at the top is embarrassing Yeah no strings Women do not like any strings But they wear them A button Right Then it works.

[136] You're tying your clothes, forget it.

[137] Yeah, but why is that?

[138] I don't know.

[139] I got a few drawstrings in the closet.

[140] Nothing wrong with that.

[141] Do you draw string jeans or?

[142] Listen, gay.

[143] I'm not up to the rubber gene.

[144] That's a whole other deal.

[145] All the companies are making them now.

[146] I see them on the street.

[147] There's a big billboard the other day.

[148] I think Lee makes a pair of them.

[149] Diesel makes them now.

[150] Well, then I've got to look into it.

[151] Look into it.

[152] I'm telling you.

[153] Go down Melrose.

[154] Next time you're on one of those mad shopping sprees, you go out of your bags over your shoulder.

[155] That Melrose Street is a strange environment.

[156] Well, in 1998, I used to live on that street.

[157] You used to go to all those stores.

[158] And then they all kind of close.

[159] So now it's going through kind of a weird resurgence.

[160] So they don't really have those leopard nipple shirts.

[161] What is it like now?

[162] I don't know.

[163] Every time I go by, it's like a new store that's opened up, a new coffee.

[164] shop.

[165] A lot of skateboarding shirt stores and things like that.

[166] Did you see that skateboarding video that I posted on Instagram yesterday or YouTube yesterday?

[167] We played it on the show yesterday because we had a woman that had suffered from a severe head trauma.

[168] This fucking kid is going 70 miles an hour down a road in Colorado.

[169] He's got this super deep, steep hill and he's just tucked like a skier, like one of those speed skiers.

[170] And he's fucking flying.

[171] And it's just oh, your hands get clammy your feet start twitch and you're like oh jesus oh jesus oh jesus watch it when you get a chance i've seen one of those it was two guys though and they were going with it it's nuts if you wipe if you wipe you are so fucked one rock yeah anything well i think they're probably pretty good at balance like they can probably pick it up pretty good but this motherfucker there he is right there look at this crazy fucker fuck that who's filming it do you think probably a car i would imagine a car which is how they know he's going 70 miles an hour that's a very good question though could be another asshole behind him it's also doing the same thing if he hits a rock the car is going to kill him that's a very good question that's a very good point though well he'll go forward it's not like if he hits a rock he's going to stop dead in his tracks he's going 70 miles an hour I don't know if you know a little thing called inertia you know how the car's not going to know he's going to hit a rock but the car he will not go that much slower is what I'm saying he's going to fly forward if he wipes the guys going to hit the brakes and he's going to go he doesn't have any brakes like so he's going to skid and remove all of his skin have you ever seen someone who's gotten like mad road rash did you see dean delray he posted on his instagram his whole side just skinned off all his tattoos on his arms where he uh skinned his arms her his tattoos look brand new now because it just took a layer of skin off and so it looks like he just got his tattoos again so like you know how you're exfoliating yeah so like how you if your tattoos fade just get in the car accident oh look at Jesus Christ.

[172] Yeah, somebody hit him going 70 miles an hour, a tweaker.

[173] Supposed a carjacked a car and had an accomplice following her.

[174] She hits Dean going 70 miles an hour, gets out of her car, gets in the other car, and takes off.

[175] How does he know she was going 70 miles an hour?

[176] He was just guessing because he was going about 65 or so, and he saw her coming up behind him in the rear view, like just going crazy fast.

[177] He said that he was, she was going so fast he didn't have a chance to, like, get out of the way or anything.

[178] She just went right into him.

[179] How does he know she's a tweaker?

[180] I don't know.

[181] It was a carjacking, so, I'm guessing.

[182] Yeah, good, most likely.

[183] Damn, he's lucky.

[184] He's okay.

[185] I can't believe he was going on stage tonight.

[186] Yeah, he's fucking trooper.

[187] He's going to get a hero's welcome tonight.

[188] He was at the comedy store last night, and you should see how many people are like, oh, are you okay and doing like that the pat?

[189] Oh, no. If you get a new tattoo, that's the first.

[190] fucking thing people do they slap that tattoo they can't even help it I think it's like a magnet thing I think people are attracted to your injuries yeah but he's supposedly quitting motorcycles which is interesting he said he got out of his get out of jail free card or whatever so he's looking at a Volkswagen right now wow good for him yeah it's a scary thing man scary thing you look like you you're like a thrill seeker like you don't you want a motorcycle I'm fucking torn I'm like half of two different people I'm fucking terrified of everything And I do a lot of dangerous shit But no I don't have a motorcycle I came close But I was actually going through the motorcycle safety course The whole deal with a couple buddies of mine that still ride My buddy Peter Hirschko He's still riding But when we were doing it Two people I know wiped bad That was when Frank Meir Who was the UFC heavyweight champion at the time Got hit by a car They snapped his femur This guy old man ran a red light Just spaced out Just fucking nailed him sent him flying 70 feet through the air.

[191] He soared 70 feet in the air from a car.

[192] And he's a, Frank's a giant dude.

[193] And his leg snapped in half.

[194] And he wasn't the same for like a year and a half, two years.

[195] Took a long time for him to recover.

[196] That scared the shit out of me. And then my friend Edson fell and just tore his shoulder up.

[197] And his shoulder was fucked up.

[198] And, you know, that was it for me. And then another person I know saw somebody hit.

[199] I saw somebody he got hit the other.

[200] day.

[201] I didn't see the hit, but I saw him after it was over, and he was screaming in agony, lying on the ground.

[202] They had, like, the car beside him.

[203] His bike was, why I tell you, like, ah, ah!

[204] Yeah, you hear all these things about, I got a, I got a scooter, and I pop around town with the scooter, and then you start seeing stuff like this, and you're like, maybe we should give the scooter a rest, but I got to tell you, to drive around in L .A. in the scooter, is, I mean, it's shaved some time off in the park, right in and bounce out but you know you don't think anything's going to happen but then you hear someone like this with the carjacking and then you're exposed so i think the best move for those things is when you're on the highway and it's bumper to bumper and those motherfuckers are cut in the lane because people at home where i don't know where you live and you're listening to this but in l .A for some strange reason you're allowed to drive in between cars legally it's super fucking dangerous.

[205] Like, when I lived in Boston, people used to do it, but it was illegal, and people would get mad when people did it.

[206] But here, it's totally legal.

[207] Like, I had some friends that came out and visit, and one of the first things that they said was like, dude, everybody's breaking the law on the highway at the motorcycles.

[208] I'm like, they're not.

[209] Like, that's the law.

[210] You're allowed to do that here.

[211] And they just looked at me like, that, what?

[212] It's crazy.

[213] When I first saw it, I was like, what the, they almost clip my mirror.

[214] Yeah.

[215] My mirror's been clipped.

[216] My mirror's still fucked from a motorcycle guy doing it.

[217] Really?

[218] Clipping my mirror.

[219] Yeah.

[220] He's like he's alive.

[221] I mean, you imagine you're fucking...

[222] Those Ducati crazy fuckers, those Hayabusa dudes.

[223] Yeah, he didn't even stop.

[224] I don't think he knows.

[225] I was driving home from the comedy store once and was one of those gangs of motorcycles.

[226] You know, you get like 30, 40 guys out riding, and one motherfucker is doing a wheelie for like a half a mile.

[227] And he's going fast.

[228] He's just, man. Just barreling down the highway.

[229] Cars all around him.

[230] And he's doing a wheelie.

[231] And all I can think of is this fucking dude goes down.

[232] He's a dead man. And we're all going to see it.

[233] We're all going to see cars rolling over his head.

[234] Boom, bum, bum.

[235] I mean, I guess it's exciting, though.

[236] Must be a thrill.

[237] Oh, it's a rush.

[238] You get that scooter up to 35.

[239] See, I think that's a good idea because I live in Burbank.

[240] And that wouldn't be bad to just, like, go to the store, you know, do little things here and there.

[241] You should get one of those hovercrafts that got Wiz Khalifa arrested.

[242] Yeah.

[243] Get one of those things I like the dude has at the store I can't do it man Those are great I hate like just going into like the bank And there's people standing on those things And you really seeing a lot of them?

[244] Oh everywhere everywhere You would drive around on one of those things Fuck yeah You would go to Ralph's and the thing Up and the aisle Fuck yeah Until they make it illegal You know what With your rubber jeans Rubber jeans Your nipple Your leopard nipple Tell me when you bought that shirt I'll wear that That's my new outfit That and the hoverboard I think that you know, they're going to make them illegal.

[245] So, like, right now, like, when you're driving around in the supermarket with those things, you can get away with it because there's no law.

[246] Do you hear what happened?

[247] The guy that's on Shark Tank, the rich billionaire guy, he actually owns the patent for all those.

[248] And all those are just generic replicas of the original that are sent from Korea.

[249] So all these ones you see around are just rebranded generic, like, shitty ones.

[250] So he's going, all right, everyone stop selling these now.

[251] I own the patent.

[252] You all owe me money.

[253] So he's raking it in because of those things.

[254] Oh, no. So he owns the patent, so he put a stop on all these people selling them?

[255] All the generic ones have to stop.

[256] And what's probably going to happen is he's probably going to raise the price of them.

[257] Because right now you can go to Amazon and buy one for $350.

[258] So he's probably going to make that like $1 ,000 and only have one brand.

[259] Hmm.

[260] The Chinese are just going to sell them anyway.

[261] Fuck you.

[262] Yeah, fuck you.

[263] Fuck you.

[264] They're just going to keep fucking selling them.

[265] You can't stop them.

[266] I mean, they fucking copy towns.

[267] They copy entire towns.

[268] They copy everything over there.

[269] It's kind of, I kind of like that they do it.

[270] You know, I don't like the fact that someone's counterfeiting, someone's work, but I love the fact that we live in a world that's so crazy that there's a part of the world where you just accept that they're just going to copy everything.

[271] They have a whole fake Apple store in China.

[272] Total fake Apple store.

[273] You go in there, this is an Apple logo.

[274] All the shit is counterfeit.

[275] Have you never seen it before?

[276] It's fucking amazing.

[277] I mean, look, if I was Apple, I'd be pissed, but you're making plenty of money.

[278] You should be laughing.

[279] You should be laughing at the fact that this exists.

[280] I mean, it sucks if you're in China and you want to, oh, look, I'll just go to the Apple store and get my, how come it doesn't have a, what, why does it have a USB board on the bottom of the iPhone?

[281] Like, what is, like, they just make their own shit.

[282] That'd be nice.

[283] And they just slap an Apple logo on it.

[284] Yeah, they don't give a fuck, man. They copy entire cities.

[285] There's an exact replica of Paris in China down to every street.

[286] Yeah, they have an Eiffel Tower.

[287] They got no originality there?

[288] Nothing.

[289] No one's looking at their city and going, let's be unique here.

[290] I don't know.

[291] You got to wonder, I mean, I'm not a sociologist.

[292] You've got to wonder, like, what is it about certain cultures that promotes creativity?

[293] Like, obviously, America.

[294] Like, America is known for being a very creative part of the country.

[295] And if you look at, like, African Americans, African Americans are known as being, like, some of the most creative and innovative people, as far as, like, culture, as far as, like, the way they dress and the way they talk.

[296] they're like the most imitated you know like they're they're pushing music like think about like Chuck Barry Jimmy Hendricks you know like go back to like the old days of rock and roll James Brown all these black guys these white guys were like fuck we gotta do what they're doing like Jimmy Hendricks like when they came along the Beatles watched him and they're like we gotta fucking quit music like what are we doing like this fucking what is this guy doing everybody was like Jesus Christ and what is it that makes them like that you know what is it that makes america like a hub of innovation there's some innovative places in the world yeah but this spot especially when it comes to art especially like when it comes to stand -up comedy what we do yeah why why are why are go to germany or australia that uh no one's pumping out movies tv shows like uh like america australia does a little bit and they they produce like good comic jim jeffreys came from australia it's a great comic they've got some really funny guys over there um there's some real good local comics and they make some good movies and stuff like that but there's not that many people in australia Australia is a giant place And it's got as many people as L .A. Yeah, I'm not I was just saying in regards to entertainment Yeah As a whole America seems to have that kind of on lockdown We got it on fleek Yeah, I don't know man It's weird like Germany not good at all Like Germany's real stiff Brian were you around when that guy was coming to the store Were you around when that guy was coming to the store Was like the main guy from Germany?

[297] Oh yeah with the hair Yes What's his name?

[298] I don't know Oh no no No, I don't know if you were there.

[299] No, no, no, no. He was a really, really popular guy in Germany.

[300] And he had decided that he was going to make it in America.

[301] And, I mean, he barely spoke English.

[302] Oh, God, yeah.

[303] He came with his, doing juggling.

[304] He had his suit on.

[305] I forget his name.

[306] I forget his name, too, but we were all like, what?

[307] Like, what is this guy doing?

[308] It was interesting because we kind of, like, respected the fact this guy had the balls.

[309] He realized that, like, for stand -up comedians, like, when I was living, in Boston.

[310] We would all hear about the comedy store.

[311] It was like mecca.

[312] It was always spoken about in hush tones.

[313] Like, you got to go to the comedy store.

[314] That's where Pryor started out.

[315] That's where Kinnison started out.

[316] And everybody was like, oh, the comedy store, the comedy store.

[317] And then, you know, you'd get there and you see fucking James Stevens the third asking for a standing ovation.

[318] You're like, what the fuck is going on here?

[319] Singing Wizard of Oz songs and shit.

[320] It was a dark time in the 90s.

[321] It was like we had missed the Kinnison wave.

[322] And, you know, when you and I were first starting at the store, I was a few years before you I started in 94 um at the store and it was just like whoa this place is dark like it was gross it's like a lot of a lot of bad comedy going on there but this fucking dude decided hey you know I'm a big star in Germany but I'm gonna come to America I'm gonna try to make it didn't even speak English Frank Lemberman that's his name Frank Lemberman yeah nice guy real nice guy just didn't work he just his comedy was like slap sticky like Charlie Chaplin movie type shit like he would fall down and fucking yeah he didn't know what was going on this guy went on stage and it was like he was like the I think he had a talk show in in German and he came here and he tried to make it work and it's amazing how many people come in and out of that comedy store if you went back and looked at the people that came in they stayed for a little bit they left and you know where did you go so it was a wonderful name's on the walls sometimes I'll just sit there with Google open and just Google people's names on the wall.

[323] Have them, I can't even find on Google.

[324] Like, there's, like, some guy named M .C. Zren or something like, or M .C. Zen.

[325] M .C. Zen?

[326] Yeah, and I was just like, well, that's a weird name for a comic, so nothing about him.

[327] There's some towing truck company on the side of the wall.

[328] Have you ever looked at the wall?

[329] There's, like, a lot of names that I think people just put up there without them knowing.

[330] Do you think that that happens, like, with doctors?

[331] Like, there's, like, doctors, like, whatever happened to Mike, the ophthalmologist?

[332] Ah, just not doing it anymore.

[333] You know, like, does that happen?

[334] Like, they go to ophthalmologist conventions and he just quit?

[335] He just quit?

[336] Like, probably not as much, right?

[337] They get saddled with all these bills and, you know, there's no student loans for comedians.

[338] Yeah, I don't think.

[339] I never saw a guy or met a guy.

[340] I used to do medical stuff.

[341] I ran into a guy at the improv the other night that was an open micer when I was an open micer.

[342] And from Boston and he just decided, he goes, yeah, I haven't done comedy at all.

[343] I haven't been on stage 16 years, but I thought about it all the time.

[344] and I decided to come back.

[345] What do you know, how do I get spots?

[346] I'm like, just fucking ran away from it.

[347] Like, we can't even, this is a conversation.

[348] How do I speak English?

[349] Well, you got to start with the alphabet.

[350] Fuck, man. Like, what can you even say to a guy like that?

[351] Go to kill Tony.

[352] Yeah.

[353] Well, he's got an advantage over someone who hasn't done it at all.

[354] And there are people that start deep in their 40s.

[355] I mean, there's no age limit.

[356] No. You could be a great comic.

[357] You could start when you're 50 and become.

[358] I'm a great comic.

[359] You just have to be willing to put in that time.

[360] You have to have that energy.

[361] Yeah, I mean, it's going to take some time.

[362] I mean, like, when do you think you guys started feeling comfortable in your own skin and on stage?

[363] Was that something that...

[364] A couple weeks ago.

[365] A couple weeks ago, I think I met it figured it out for an hour.

[366] I think like...

[367] Oh, there's a time of you.

[368] 10 years.

[369] I think 10 years in.

[370] I think 10 years is a number.

[371] So you probably started right when I was, I was 10 years in when you started.

[372] So you started in 98, I started in 88.

[373] Oh, wow.

[374] So when you saw me, I was just, I was a little, I could really do an hour.

[375] I could really go on the road and I could do an hour.

[376] And I had a special then.

[377] I had my first comedy center or Warner Brothers CD that I put out.

[378] And I felt like I could do comedy.

[379] You know, I felt like I wasn't a fraud anymore, you know.

[380] But I still didn't, like, if someone was going to come see me that I liked, I'd panic.

[381] Oh, you know.

[382] That's the worst.

[383] Yeah.

[384] If someone famous that you like, come see you.

[385] Oh, no, stay home.

[386] Let me go on stage with no pressure.

[387] You know, it takes fucking forever, man. It takes forever.

[388] So it's one of the most brutal grinds in all of show business.

[389] It is a brutal grind.

[390] And you mentioned someone when someone's famous in the crowd.

[391] Even when you're in the crowd, though.

[392] And you were in the crowd, and I know you're laugh.

[393] I know you're laugh.

[394] And you're laughing on other comedians.

[395] So when I'm on stage, I'm listening for a Joe Rogan laugh.

[396] Yeah.

[397] I'm eight minutes in, I'm like, this guy's not laugh.

[398] I was laughing at you the other night.

[399] You were killing the other night.

[400] But I listen to certain things in the room.

[401] And I think you, I mean, you don't hear, like, you're trying to make somebody laugh.

[402] Just on people.

[403] Like, you hear Joey Diaz laugh.

[404] Yeah.

[405] I remember to this day, when I was like, whoa, I'm a fucking comedian.

[406] It's when Paul Mooney was laughing.

[407] Like, Paul Mooney, when I first started, fucking treated me like I was the plague.

[408] You know, some cute little white boy on some stupid sitcom trying to make it at the comedy store.

[409] I was a non -paid regular.

[410] I mean, I said, hello, Mr. Moody, walked right by me like I was on fire.

[411] Didn't give a fuck.

[412] And then one night, I was doing a set, a late set, and it was like fucking 20 people in the audience.

[413] But I used to do those sets, like the place was packed.

[414] You know, I don't believe in throwing away a set.

[415] You know, if I'm going to do a set, I try my best.

[416] And I heard, ha, ha, ha, ha, which is Mooney's laugh.

[417] Oh, ha, ha, ha.

[418] I forget what the bit was.

[419] I really wish I remember what the bit was.

[420] It was a controversial bit.

[421] I remember that.

[422] It was a fucked up bit.

[423] And I came off stage, and Mooney fucking grabbed me by both shoulders and said, you're a real comic.

[424] You are a real comic.

[425] You did that set in front of those 20 people, like there was a thousand motherfuckers in that room.

[426] You're a real comic.

[427] And I was like, wow.

[428] I remember how good that film.

[429] Like, hearing him laugh was like, wow.

[430] Paul Moody thinks I'm funny.

[431] Yeah.

[432] It's nice to hear other comedians laugh at your stuff.

[433] Oh, it's giant.

[434] You could have 300 strangers laugh, but you hear one comedian laugh.

[435] You're like, I'm in the group.

[436] Yeah.

[437] Diaz was in the back of the comedy store the other night.

[438] Fucking howling.

[439] When he's howling, ah!

[440] You hear that fucking bellowing laugh.

[441] And Diaz is always smacking things, smacking people when he's laughing, smacking tables.

[442] That's a lot of noise.

[443] Yeah.

[444] I saw your special.

[445] Your Showtime special, was a Showtime special?

[446] Yeah.

[447] I was on the road.

[448] I forget where I was.

[449] I was flipping through the channels.

[450] I think I was in Vegas, actually.

[451] And it was just, you know, after a show, bored, watching TV, and your special came on.

[452] And I hadn't seen you do a set because I hadn't been at the store in like six or seven years.

[453] You know, 2007 was when I quit And this was, you know, maybe Two years ago?

[454] When was your special?

[455] Yeah, about two and a half years ago.

[456] 2012, so two years.

[457] Fucking excellent.

[458] It was really, really good.

[459] Thank you.

[460] It was tight.

[461] It was funny.

[462] You were comfortable up there.

[463] And I was like, God damn, I haven't seen Sebastian a long time.

[464] You were fucking killing it.

[465] Thank you.

[466] Yeah.

[467] And when you tweeted at me in the message, I was like, wow, that's nice.

[468] Because I always thought at the comedy store when you were there.

[469] I don't know.

[470] For some reason, I don't think.

[471] you got what I was doing.

[472] I don't blame you with the nipples and shit.

[473] Well, we were always friendly.

[474] Oh, yeah, we were always friendly.

[475] But for whatever the reason, we weren't like, we would never like hanging out there.

[476] I was kind of in my own little world.

[477] But you were kind of in your own little world with everybody, though.

[478] You kind of would go there and do your shit and then get out of that.

[479] Yeah, I was kind of, I never really hung out.

[480] I did, but I didn't.

[481] And it was like you had that little cluster of people in the back there, which I never kind of got into that.

[482] little circuit you could have got in any time i was just one of these guys i've always been the guy kind of on the outskirts even in school and whatever i was always kind of the quiet kid that you know it's the shirts the shirt's the shirts the shirts people don't know what to make up yet open nipple shirt on stage yeah no i was always kind of on the outskirts so anyway to fast forward when you said that you really enjoyed what i was doing i was like wow that's that's a nice compliment you know i sent that that that was a tweet i put out right like a few years ago like right after i saw it i put that out yeah but yeah when i saw you at the comedy store the other night too i was noticing i was like he's so comfortable on stage now like you're so you're so like in your own you got your own rhythm you know which is like one of the harder things for a comedian to find like find your own rhythm like you could say the same stuff year after year after year and just not good and then one day you figure out how to do it you figure out how it you figure out how it gels in people's minds and then whoof yeah yeah you're right it's just it's it's a dance up there the thing that you were doing about the kid about the kid that you just really didn't like i don't want to give away the bit was it uh getting slapped in the back of the neck the thing about that you you ran into a kid at a party and you're like i'm just not into this kid oh yeah yeah it was great because it was like it's one of those it was like i don't want to give it away but it's one of those bits where it's dependent upon your rhythm and everyone understanding how you look at things.

[483] Yeah.

[484] Yeah, it's not really, it's a combination of things.

[485] I mean, you got people that are writing beautiful jokes and this and that and the other thing.

[486] I really admire those people, but the way I work is, it's more of like a way you say something or the timing or a pause or a look, and it kind of all gels together for some reason.

[487] And that's what I noticed that people were kind of gravitating towards watching my act was all this kind of physical and all this kind of, like, kind of weird faces that, you know, some other people might look like, is this funny that the guy's doing all these faces or whatnot?

[488] But I don't know.

[489] I've always been in a very expressive family.

[490] So when we sat around the table, which seemed to be kind of my first stage growing up in an Italian household, and everybody was kind of telling stories.

[491] And we all kind of just, it was, everybody was kind of funny.

[492] And we never really got serious.

[493] Because if we got serious, we would start to cry.

[494] Very emotional family.

[495] It was either we were laughing or crying.

[496] It was no in between.

[497] That's Italians.

[498] That's Italians.

[499] So, yeah, and it took a while to kind of find that rhythm.

[500] Yeah, it's an interesting thing, isn't it?

[501] Everybody's got their own rhythm, and you really, you can't, we can't predict it.

[502] Like, I always use Mitch Headberg as an example.

[503] Like, if you ever saw Headberg live, like, Headberg would say things that on paper were not funny at all.

[504] Like, you would be howling.

[505] Like, he had that bit about the double tree, like, naming the double tree in.

[506] Like, how did they name that?

[507] You know, how about three trees?

[508] No, double tree.

[509] Yes, meeting adjourned.

[510] I'm not doing the bit justice, but, like, he had a bunch of bits like that.

[511] Like, would you like, would you like a frozen banana?

[512] No, but I like a regular banana later, so yes.

[513] It's just so ridiculous.

[514] But if you saw that on paper, you would go that's not really funny but then you go see him live and you're dying to this day if I'm bored and I'm in my car I have a playlist on my my iPhone where I have some stand -up on it and I'll go to that headburg CD to this day you know I've heard it all a hundred times and it's squeaky clean squeaky clean and fucking killer but this is just like he found his style he found his rhythm you know you got to find whatever it and every no one can tell you You know, that's why comedy classes are just kind of ridiculous.

[515] Joe, I took a comedy class.

[516] Well, it's good to get you on stage.

[517] We're at.

[518] Who taught it?

[519] I took a comedy.

[520] This is my, another introduction into Los Angeles.

[521] Never did comedy before but once.

[522] So I go, how am I going to get in to the comedy store?

[523] I heard the comedy store was the place to be.

[524] So I looked through the, whatever the trades.

[525] Sandy Shore, whose Mitzi Shore's daughter, has a thing called Sandy Shore's Sandy Shore's sandbox comedy class.

[526] So I'm thinking, perfect.

[527] I take her class.

[528] If she likes me, she tells the mother, I'm in.

[529] Sort of for stay.

[530] Sandy Shore's like, just so you know, I don't really get along with my mother.

[531] We're not really talking right now.

[532] And I'm like, yeah, that's $400 down to drink.

[533] But for me, I enjoyed the comedy class because it gave me an opportunity to go up once a week.

[534] in front of a supportive environment say what you will about that you know I mean the people are there support oh that was good you know not going out into the wolves but for me it was like a way to kind of just get my legs a little bit so I took it for for six months and it kind of helped me get off the ground a little bit because I didn't know I didn't know what to do nothing wrong with that I mean that's a great way to start really you know it's just no one can teach you how to do no no I don't think so you got to kind of figure out how to do it on your own like I've seen comedy classes where they give people bad advice though, where they're telling somebody like the worst is like club owners.

[535] Like Jamie Mossada told my friend Todd once, you have to be Generation X guy.

[536] You're a Generation X guy.

[537] When you go on stage what you're going to do is only talk about Generation X. My generation, Generation X, we think this and you do that.

[538] And the kid was like fuck, do I have to do this?

[539] Like, if I don't do this this guy's not going to let me get on stage.

[540] Like the worst fucking possible advice, you know, like, who's going to make it with the Generation X guy?

[541] Fucking, how long is that going to laugh?

[542] Yeah.

[543] He told Tony that he's like, Tony, you need to wear a cowboy hat.

[544] You wear cowboy hat.

[545] You look like Woody from Toy Story.

[546] Fucking shitty advice.

[547] The guy owns a comedy club.

[548] When you find out that he's the guy that introduced Michael Jackson, those kids he molested, allegedly.

[549] Oh.

[550] Yeah, because he used to work with all those dying kids.

[551] Yeah, unfortunately.

[552] There's the in -between guy.

[553] Yeah, who's the fucking...

[554] This is Corey Feldman, tight -asshole.

[555] I don't think he said that.

[556] I don't think he introduced him to Corey Feldman either.

[557] Cory Feldman wasn't dying of a disease as far as I know.

[558] True.

[559] But now you're fucking touring, you're doing the road, you're killing it everywhere.

[560] I see everywhere I'm at.

[561] Improves, all that shit.

[562] You're doing great.

[563] Yeah, knock on wood.

[564] It's been good.

[565] It's been good kind of getting myself involved with the club.

[566] And did you start out at the store?

[567] You started out in Los Angeles, 1998.

[568] I did comedy at my college.

[569] I went to Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, and they had like a comedy contest where you auditioned in front of like the student council, and then I got to open up for the national headlining comedian.

[570] Whoa.

[571] Who was that?

[572] Rees.

[573] What's his name?

[574] His last name was Reese.

[575] He forgot.

[576] He used to do this thing.

[577] He used to go up on stage and go, er.

[578] I don't know.

[579] it was like a brawl i don't know that was his like moniker so he was the guy so i go on stage this is in like you know like a college 400 cedar or it's like a free show for the students primarily a black crowd i go on stage and i start to do my act and i'm starting to hear sandman i didn't know what the hell sandman was at this time but i found out later at showtime at the apollo that's what they call when they want the guy to come out with the hook the sand oh no but i'm like i'm going through this going is yeah what is is there another guy coming out what is sandman so it was bad it was a bad experience but i knew i i just knew i had an ability to make people laugh maybe not yet on stage it was primarily based on my family.

[580] If I was making my family laugh, particularly my mother, if she was laughing, I knew that I had some ability to make people laugh.

[581] It was just kind of trying to find it on stage.

[582] It's a weird fucking journey, you know?

[583] It's a very weird journey, the journey of trying to figure out what it is and how to do it, which way to go, you know?

[584] And you can go the wrong way for a long time and then have to bring it back.

[585] You know, like there's guys that create characters, like Emo Phillips.

[586] You know, he, he has this character that he would to on stage, which is great until you're 60, which he is now.

[587] He's like an old dude, and now he can't do that character anymore.

[588] So you go to see Emo Phillips if you were a fan of his in the 80s, and you're like, yeah, we're going to go see Emo.

[589] And you see him now, and you're like, um, what's going on?

[590] Like, he's just talking.

[591] Yeah.

[592] Like, he's not doing the character thing.

[593] Like, I'm surprised it still works on dice, because it doesn't seem like it should, but it does.

[594] Oh, it's universal.

[595] It still worked.

[596] That will last forever.

[597] Yeah.

[598] That will last forever.

[599] You know why?

[600] Because he has become that guy.

[601] Yeah.

[602] Oh, yeah, he's the guy.

[603] He's that guy.

[604] He doesn't, you know, if anybody saw him in the early days when he was Andrew Silverstein, the Dice character was one of the guys that he would do in his act.

[605] He had a bunch of characters.

[606] He would do John Travolta.

[607] He does an incredible John Travolta impression.

[608] He would do all these things.

[609] He would sing.

[610] He would have all these different pieces of his act.

[611] And then he would do the Dice Man. And the Dice Man was based apparently on the Nutty Professor with Jim.

[612] Jerry Lewis, like, Jerry Lewis would become, he was like this nutty professor, and they would become this really fucking cool guy who would smoke cigarettes and the chicks all fawned over him.

[613] So he became, like, that guy.

[614] But now there's the blurred line between who he was, like Andrew Silverstein and then the dice man. He's, that's gone.

[615] He is the dice man now.

[616] You run into him at fucking Ralph's.

[617] He's got weightlifting gloves on.

[618] He's got, he taught me how to get this fanny pack.

[619] I did not know.

[620] this is the Roots Fanny Pack This is the one I sell I'm a higherprimate .com I found out about this from Dice That's a Dice recommendation That's right He came in with it He came in with sweatpants With this fucking beautiful glorious fanny pack And I go where did you get that?

[621] He goes, that's nice, right?

[622] I'm like, that's fucking gorgeous I guess the greatest fanny pack I've ever seen.

[623] He goes, oh, it's the best It's the best one And he's like, show me all the features Look, this one's got a little buckle This has got a zipper I'm like, whoa, it is the best But he's that guy now that really is who he is he's like all the time 24 hours you call him up in the middle of the night he's dice man yeah he became that guy yeah we uh i opened up for him for like two three years he really yeah he picked me out of the the comedy story came up to me and uh first he goes um you know what you should do i said what when you go on stage put a sock in your pants and then you'll be like the comedian who's just got a big cock and this is like my guy I looked up to and he's telling me and then I actually went home that night going should I do that?

[624] Should I be khaki?

[625] So anyway we developed this kind of weird little friendship and he asked me if I wanted to go do Las Vegas with him at the Stardust Hotel and I'm like I call my parents I go I'm opening up for dice clay at the Stardust my mother's like you made it you made it wow so they all came out to see and I hung out with him on the road and uh the first time we played Vegas I'm like I can't believe I'm here Wayne Newton theater I wonder what we're going to do you know excited and we'll probably go out and dinner and go out to a club hang by the pool probably got to come And he goes, we're going, we're going furniture shopping today.

[626] I go, what?

[627] I'm in Las Vegas.

[628] So we went to furniture shopping because he had a house out there, and he was furnishing his house.

[629] So we would go to furniture stores, and he would tell me, sit on the couch.

[630] That's it.

[631] What do you think?

[632] I go, say, grand, guy.

[633] It's better than anything I got at my house.

[634] It's fantastic.

[635] And we would go to eat.

[636] I mean, this was a problem.

[637] process.

[638] We were laying on carpets to see if the carpet was comfortable.

[639] And I'm like, okay, I guess this is what you do.

[640] This is my first time on the road.

[641] And we're furniture shopping.

[642] Let's go out and they're like, maybe the casino, maybe go for dinner.

[643] He's like, you're kidding me?

[644] It's like the Beatles.

[645] If I go out there, it's like the Beatles.

[646] It's like mania.

[647] People are going to lose their mind.

[648] Let's try it.

[649] And sure enough, we went to the casino.

[650] He had the glasses.

[651] He had like some big glitter.

[652] ball on his back of his jacket and gloves and we went through the Venetian and it was like it was fantastic.

[653] It was like, oh wow this is what he's talking about.

[654] Swarm him, right?

[655] Swarm him.

[656] He's got like a loyal fan base.

[657] Oh yeah.

[658] It's crazy.

[659] I went to see him.

[660] Me and Jimmy Norton and Brian and who else?

[661] Anthony Coomia from Ope and Anthony and Anthony and Bobby Kelly and we all went to Anthony and Jimmy and We're in town for the fights, and I had the night off.

[662] We had the night off, so we found out Dice was in town.

[663] So we're like, fuck, let's go see Dice.

[664] Let's go see Dice at the Riviera, which is classic old Vegas.

[665] You know, that was the first place I ever worked in Vegas.

[666] So we went there, we went to the, you know, they have the upper showroom, like the bigger show room where they have, they used to have that the drag queen show.

[667] You know, Frank Marino used to do the drag queen show, the famous drag queen show.

[668] So we went up there.

[669] We had a fucking great time.

[670] We had a great time.

[671] It was really fun.

[672] It was fun to sit there in the audience and just howl, just howl laughing.

[673] And his set was great.

[674] It was really funny.

[675] We had a good time.

[676] And then he was like, oh, happy to see us.

[677] We went backstage.

[678] We were hanging on with him.

[679] And it was cool.

[680] It was really cool.

[681] His son does drums.

[682] Son plays drums.

[683] Oh, yeah.

[684] They got a great band.

[685] I went to go see their band about four months ago here in the Valley.

[686] And great band.

[687] And he taught me a lot.

[688] I mean, we'd have, like, long discussions at night because he didn't really sleep.

[689] and we'd come by let's talk and we didn't sleep well you know he's up a lot you know i don't know for for a comedian i go to bed early and he was up what time you go to bed um i don't know 11 30 you don't have kids right no not yet not yet newly married 11 30 11 30 the fuck is that that's weird i don't i don't get anything what i don't think i don't get anything done until my kids are asleep like i i try like either i i can only write when they're at school or or when they're asleep.

[690] That's the only time I can get things done.

[691] Because otherwise, it's like, Daddy, come do this.

[692] Daddy, I want to do that.

[693] Daddy, come do this.

[694] What do you think of this?

[695] It's like, so I don't even try.

[696] Like, during the day, when I'm with them, it's just playtime with the kids or hanging out or we do art together.

[697] We do a lot of drawing together.

[698] But at nighttime, that's when I get my shit done.

[699] So from 9 p .m. on, that's if I'm not, if I don't have a set from 9 p .m. on I'm writing.

[700] That's when I do my writing.

[701] That's when I do watch documentaries, you know, all that shit.

[702] I get it all done at night.

[703] So oftentimes I don't go to bed until three, four o 'clock.

[704] Oh, wow.

[705] Yeah, I know you're a late.

[706] It's pretty normal for me. Four or five.

[707] Yeah.

[708] Four or five?

[709] Well, he's like comedy store until two and then meth.

[710] And then Huckers.

[711] Tinder and then Grindr.

[712] And then Grindr.

[713] So you're all over to meth.

[714] So dice would be up like super late.

[715] Come on.

[716] You know, he's telling me, you know, you can't look at other people's career.

[717] You got your own path.

[718] It's good advice.

[719] You know, you can't be upset if somebody else gets something.

[720] You know, it just really taught me kind of how to, he's the only thing you have control of is how you perform and write.

[721] Anything else is up in here.

[722] That's very good advice, because that is a lot of waste and energy that a lot of comedians have, worrying about other people's sets and worrying about other people's careers, like, why is that guy getting this?

[723] Yeah.

[724] Why is she, why is she on this fucking show?

[725] How come he got a thing or this and that?

[726] Nothing to do with you.

[727] We've all seen that, though.

[728] Those guys that get poisoned by other people's success.

[729] those guys they always wind up failing too like it falls apart like that's like jealousy is a poison that only a it does the opposite of what you wanted to do instead of like when you when you're jealous about somebody else's career it doesn't do anything bad to them but it does something bad to you like it it poisons you yeah it's weird like people that think fuck that guy he's got this fucking tv show he's not even fucking funny you know i remember when he first started and i was fucking middling and he was an open micer like it doesn't matter it doesn't matter he's on TV now and you're here here it's where you yeah you when that when the guy says ladies and gentlemen please welcome mike cluster fuck and you go on stage that's your time dude that's it all that shit in between like you don't don't do that's not good it's a waste it's not good so dice gave me some good advice too dice is the reason why I started going on the road oh yeah yeah yeah I was I was doing just the store I would just do the store and then somewhere in the 90s when I was on news radio dice goes you're funny guy you should do the road and I go yeah he goes yeah should do the road why don't you do the road and I go I don't know I mean I'm always working here he goes yeah but you know what he goes you got TV shows he goes you're on TV he goes but what if that goes away he goes you don't want to fucking need those guys he goes he goes you could do great you could have a great career on the road and I went around thinking like he's fucking right like what if TV shows go away yeah like what if you know news radio gets canceled and then I can't get another show and then I'm fucked like I should go do the road and I started doing the road because it dies 100 % 100 % his advice now did you fall in the news radio and like a did you go audition for that part and get it yeah yeah I audition for it yeah that was totally uh you were just doing the audition game you booked the show and then and well I had a show before that it was a show that got canceled it was called hardball that was on in 94 um 93 or 94 and it didn't last it only went like six episodes I came out for that but when it went I was an idiot you know it was 20 25 or something, whatever the fuck I was, 26.

[730] And I thought, oh, this is definitely going to go.

[731] I'm going to get an apartment.

[732] So I leased an apartment.

[733] And then I'm stuck here.

[734] Once the show got canceled after six episodes, I was like, oh, great.

[735] Now I'm stuck here.

[736] And I didn't know what to do.

[737] And I was trying to figure it out.

[738] And I said, well, I guess I'll just stay for a while.

[739] I was ready to go back to New York.

[740] I hated it out here.

[741] I hated working with actors.

[742] Like, I couldn't believe how pretentious they were and ridiculous and pampered.

[743] Like, working with actors, was fucking mind -boggling to me because I was used to comics who, you know, especially like East Coast comics, constantly busting each other's balls, always joking around, and there was like a camaraderie with comics.

[744] Like, we would go on the road together, like comics would give each other taglines, we'd always say, hey, that was a great set, you know, this and that, and blah, blah, and, you know, there was like a feeling of, like, belonging.

[745] Yeah.

[746] And then all of a sudden I was out here with these actress was like, oh, God, I can't even, I can't even talk to these fucking people.

[747] They were all backstabby, and they were, Like, they would fuck with you before you're seen and say creepy shit to you.

[748] And there was, like, there was so much weirdness.

[749] There was just so much weirdness and fakeness.

[750] They would say things that you know they didn't really mean.

[751] They would love to say, like, they meet people.

[752] They had this fake way of talking, like, oh, nice to see you.

[753] Like, it was like, there was like this fucking, they would pretend to be this person who's, like, super professional.

[754] So that they could get hired and do something else.

[755] Meanwhile, they were a boiling cauldron of crazy under the service.

[756] Just trying to keep it together Until they fucking got into their car And just scream all the way home And then pop pills or do whatever the fuck they did So I got another development deal From the hardball show I got a development deal with NBC And I was supposed to do my own show And then they brought me in They said, we would like to talk to you about something We got this other show that we're gonna cast We're replacing one of the characters The original character was Ray Romano Is that right?

[757] Yeah, yeah Yeah, Ray Romano was originally in the pilot, and then he got fired from the pilot, and they brought in a new guy to play the Ray Romano character in the pilot, and then they got rid of that guy.

[758] And so I felt better, because I didn't replace Ray, or replaced the guy who replaced Ray, and then they had auditions, and I came in and out audition for it.

[759] Wow.

[760] Yeah.

[761] It's amazing how this stuff happened.

[762] Stupid dumb luck.

[763] Yeah.

[764] Just dumb luck.

[765] I remember being at the audition.

[766] The first one was a cattle call.

[767] It was like, fucking hundred dudes.

[768] And I was like, what are the odds getting?

[769] this, Jesus Christ, look all these fucking people.

[770] I did the audition, and it was not funny at all, but they did it on purpose.

[771] They literally wrote a script that wasn't funny because they wanted to make sure people weren't like fucking hammering it up.

[772] They wanted to make sure that people didn't try super hard to make something funny.

[773] So then I got a callback, and I was like, really?

[774] I was like, okay.

[775] So I went in for the callback, and this time, the script was hilarious.

[776] And I was like, Oh, I see what they did.

[777] They weeded out all the hams.

[778] They weeded out all the hook.

[779] And I went to the script.

[780] And there was me and two or three other guys that looked like they were about to go to nom.

[781] They were pale and sweaty and nervous and going over their lines.

[782] And I remember looking at these guys.

[783] I'm like, oh, I got this.

[784] So I plopped down the couch while these guys were going over the lines.

[785] I put my fucking feet up.

[786] I put my hands behind my head.

[787] And I was like, look at you fucking pussies.

[788] You guys are scared and because these guys were scared I knew these are the only guys that were auditioning I was super confident so I went in there like super relaxed And I nailed it and then I got it But it was just looking at those guys Looking at people that are scared can give you a lot of confidence Oh yeah Yeah especially if you hear it from the waiting room If you hear somebody else's audition you're like That ain't funny guys ain't funny in there Yeah it was they were like they were just calm They were they were actors rather they weren't comics They didn't know how to and they The writing was really good.

[789] So I went from the show that was like the worst case show.

[790] It was a terrible show, the Harbaal show.

[791] It just wasn't good.

[792] They brought in this like really bad guy who was like an executive producer of Coach.

[793] Remember that show, Coach?

[794] And he was like hamming it up.

[795] Everything was just gross, shitty writing, real hacky premises or just garbage show.

[796] And then from that to working with Phil Hartman and Dave Foley and Stephen Root.

[797] I was like, Jesus Christ.

[798] More a tyranny and Candy Alexander.

[799] there and Vicki Lewis was like, this is nuts.

[800] Just sitting at the fucking table with Phil Hartman, like reading with Phil Hartman.

[801] I've got only been doing stand -up for five years.

[802] Yeah.

[803] And all of a sudden I'm sitting next to Phil Hartman at this table.

[804] That's crazy.

[805] Reading for this sitcom, I'm like, this is madness.

[806] This doesn't even make sense.

[807] Yeah.

[808] Just dumb luck.

[809] Wow.

[810] But you know what?

[811] All that stuff was cool, but what was bigger to me was becoming a paid regular at the comedy store.

[812] Yeah.

[813] That was the biggest thing to me. It was like, having a sitcom.

[814] That's all well and good, but when I became a paid regular at the store, I was like, holy shit, I remember going back to my apartment.

[815] I had an apartment at the Oakwoods, you know, those little shitty pre -fucking furnished apartments.

[816] I used to go back to that shithole every night after I was a non -paid regular, these depressing, farted -in couches.

[817] In Burbank?

[818] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[819] You know that off Olive?

[820] Yeah, that's where I used to live.

[821] Corey Haim died there.

[822] No. Yeah.

[823] At the Oakwoods?

[824] Really?

[825] Yeah.

[826] Makes sense.

[827] Doing drugs?

[828] Yeah.

[829] All right.

[830] Well, I got there first.

[831] I got there before he died.

[832] Yeah.

[833] But once I became a paid regular store, that was everything to me. That was, you know, I was in.

[834] I was like, you know, you have like these little milestones.

[835] Like, you know, like getting a record with Warner Brothers, that was a milestone.

[836] You know, you're like, you have these little things.

[837] We're like, okay, I guess I'm doing it.

[838] I am actually doing this.

[839] I am actually doing this.

[840] Because for a while, you feel like a fraud.

[841] You know, for the first few years of your career, you're out there, you know, you just feel like a fraud.

[842] And people want you to feel like a fraud, too.

[843] Other comics want you to feel like a fraud.

[844] Like, it's a lot of fucking crabs in a bucket going on in my business, especially early.

[845] You know, you have crabs in a bucket.

[846] They just try to pull the other crabs down as they try to get out.

[847] Yeah, that's why I kind of, I just stayed, I had a job working at the Four Seasons Hotel while I was doing the stand -up.

[848] So I had kind of like a separate group of friends at my job.

[849] I didn't really hang out with a lot of comedians at night just because I was so involved at the Four Seasons during the day and I was hanging out with them after work.

[850] Four Seasons out here?

[851] Yeah.

[852] Where's that at?

[853] On Doheny and Burton Way.

[854] What'd you do over there?

[855] I was in the Windows Lounge.

[856] I was a cocktail waitress basically.

[857] I worked with about 10 girls and me and another guy.

[858] Did you put the sock in?

[859] Of course.

[860] So I got the job.

[861] Oh!

[862] This fucking guy!

[863] Oh!

[864] So how long did you do that for?

[865] Seven and a half years.

[866] Oh.

[867] Yeah, I started in 98, and then I left in 2005.

[868] Wow.

[869] Yeah, I mean, that supplemented my income.

[870] That was, I wasn't the road guy.

[871] I didn't really do a lot of feature work.

[872] I just kind of honed it in here in Los Angeles and worked at the four seasons.

[873] In the meantime, just kind of hoping.

[874] something would break just doing the comedy store and just local, local sets.

[875] Oh, that's awesome.

[876] So where else did you besides the store?

[877] Well, I went to the laugh factory, and Masada asked me, why?

[878] Why are you angry?

[879] Why are you angry?

[880] I go, what?

[881] Sam Kinnisson angry for a reason, but you...

[882] Why was Sam Kinnisand angry for a reason?

[883] I don't know.

[884] He said he had a reason to his anger, and my anger was displaced, so.

[885] Well, you were mad at Ross, dress for love.

[886] I remember that, bet.

[887] You keep fucking so angry at the messy rods.

[888] That was my first introduction of L .A. I went to Ross Dress for Less with my father to buy, like, bedding.

[889] He came out here to visit.

[890] He goes, let's go to Ross, get some pillows.

[891] And we walked in, we're like, what the, what's going on here?

[892] He's on the floor.

[893] So, it was a good bet, because it is true.

[894] Anybody's ever been there.

[895] But the bit they used to do, the way you would do it.

[896] Like, do people just take this and just start fucking throwing them.

[897] It just chuck it across the room.

[898] So we're coming from the northwest suburbs of Chicago, you know, very neatly put together stores.

[899] And now I went to the Ross on third and forget it.

[900] I mean, it was just, it's like a hodgepodge of stuff over there.

[901] There's like a bra mixed in with, like, games.

[902] So it was like, that's where that anger came from of like, God, I feel like a fish out of water.

[903] That's the whole thing.

[904] When I first came to L .A., I didn't feel like I fit in.

[905] I feel like I was, you know, I was the guy wearing the Cavalry.

[906] He's going to a nightclub at 17 years old.

[907] I think the keys that everybody feels they don't fit in.

[908] You know, everybody does in the beginning.

[909] You can pretend.

[910] But you never, I mean, I feel like I fit in now.

[911] Oh, yeah.

[912] It's a long time.

[913] Yeah, it takes a while.

[914] But in the beginning, I think everybody feels like they don't fit in.

[915] I think one of the great things is what you're doing.

[916] the uh kill tony that that gives people an introduction to stand up and an introduction to like you know like you're in the big leagues like real real quick like you're on a podcast that gets seen by or listen to by hundreds of thousands of people then you're there with dom ira judging you and tony hingecliff and sarah silverman and all these different people that are really funny comedians are like watching you do stand up putting you in these like super high pressure situations you're doing one minute in front of a microphone and then you kind of get to say hi to those people they become they seem like normal i wish i had it when i was a kid you know when i started off because i you know you that's so good for them because they can have it on tape they can go over it they can have like professional comedians like dissect what they're doing wrong uh instead of just like doing in front of two other comics that didn't even pay attention and you just go home go oh i think i did okay uh yeah those open mic nights where you're doing it you're doing your act to a bunch of people have seen your act and their comics yeah you're like 10 people in the audience are all comics those are brutal it's almost like half the shows are that you know you're an open mic i i mean when i started it was chris delia dean deleree me and would go to the same four different open mics every day and it was just like oh you're my audience last you know hour you know it's the same audience over and over it's just an audience of five other comics but yeah from one open mic to another yeah that's where some comics they fall into that trap of doing stand up for the back of the room they do like really obscure shit they don't the comics think is funny yeah i mean kind of it's kind of practice in a way you know it gives you a way to figure out a way to make something funny out of this moment but it's not a real crowd you know it's just you're you're kind of like fucking around it's easy to fall into that and never get out of that to for a while i just had to make myself stop like i'm done with this i'm not going to ha ha cafe anymore and spending five dollars to go to five minutes and i'm like they charge you yeah a lot of places charge you uh ha ha used to be five dollars but you got a beer and you got to do five minutes and now it's you don't get a beer you just have to do five dollars I guess well those clubs are barely hanging on you know you mean even the ice house which is like one of the best clubs in the world they kind of barely hanging on you know yeah well you got two phones over there for you fuck I got the new Samsung Note 5 Joe ooh how is it by the way one of the first phones that I've ever had that almost I'm almost done with the iPhone after this phone really it's got one of the most amazing camera It's got all these really cool things.

[917] Look at this.

[918] Like if you're out and you're just like, oh, I need to write a note.

[919] You just take the pen out and you can be like, oh, you can just write it right here.

[920] On the screen.

[921] On the screen.

[922] And then you can just be like, hey, you know, I got to remember to eat this dick.

[923] Oh, my God.

[924] That's always a problem.

[925] I can't remember to eat that dick.

[926] It's crazy good.

[927] I highly recommend this.

[928] Really?

[929] And it's got a feature in the camera where you can just broadcast right to YouTube.

[930] So kind of like Periscope, you can just be like, boom, I'm broadcasting now on YouTube.

[931] What?

[932] Yeah.

[933] It's built into the camera?

[934] Yeah, they've noticed how popular Periscope's been in live apps like that.

[935] So they've decided just to build it right into the operating system.

[936] So now you can just broadcast live from it.

[937] Why, is it better than the edge?

[938] Way better than the edge.

[939] This is, I love this phone.

[940] What's better about it?

[941] The problem I had with the edge is that while the edge was neat to look at, the corners where it's wrapped around, side i was constantly hitting buttons it also had a really sharp edge to it you know the feel of it which uh this doesn't this is more like an iphone so it's it's nice and soft on the side yeah yeah you can't beat the camera on the samsung's it seems uh smaller than an iphone it is smaller than an iphone it's thinner than an iPhone oh it's a good size for your hand for my hands are pretty big yeah but i could get i can get this i could do like a one -handed text with this easy yeah it's great wow dude this is pretty it's a good it's pretty it's a good it It also has their ability to edit PDFs.

[942] So if somebody sends you a PDF and it's like, hey, I need you to print this out and sign it.

[943] Now you can just edit it right on the fly, send it back.

[944] Which is cool.

[945] I'm just amazed by the camera the most, though.

[946] It was the first time that Samsung or any Galaxy phone actually had a camera that's, I think, better than the iPhone camera.

[947] Oh, yeah.

[948] And what are you using for your provider?

[949] team mobile and you like that i love team mobile i'm on a family plan both of these phones uh i have unlimited data uh i think it's like 99 hours a month for both phones unlimited data i'm looking through your instagram it's hilarious who you follow brian follows all girls they're sticking their asses out it's just a slew of girls sticking their asses out it's one after the other all these different skanks i say thanks skanks we'd all do respect we're all do respect a bunch of A bunch of Wow, you got a lot of hot girls You're following, my friend Oh, yeah Are you single?

[950] No, not anymore Got himself a girl Well, he's not married Yeah, I'm not married though That's the way to go Even if you're not single You're not married That's the thing about this fucking This lady That's not marrying these gay people She's doing them a favor Like, don't do it What are you doing?

[951] You got it made, you fucks You got it made Right now it's illegal Well now it is illegal But for the longest time It was illegal And these guys had a go in there And fuck it up I can understand lesbians Want to get married It's every girl's dream But come on These guys that are fighting for it Like it's too hot Just say you can't do it Like wow It's like a marathon I can't do it Can't run it Just say it You don't have to do it Just do it root style Lay a broom on the ground Jump over it like Kizzi And Kuntikinti did Another cool thing about it Say like there's an interview of you And you're like You know what?

[952] I want to save this interview It's on a website right now or something like that Oh yeah you circle it Yeah it used to be No, take a screenshot or something We have this new thing called screen capture Where what you do is screenwrite And so what it does is it takes a picture of it Then you can go advance it So it will scroll down automatically Take a picture Take a picture Take a picture So it'll go through the whole entire website And now it just made it a huge J -B So you could have like a whole JPEG saved your gallery.

[953] So it saves websites and then you could like write on it and send it to people if you wanted to.

[954] Is that how the fat Jewish steals all of his stuff?

[955] Yeah, that's right.

[956] Well, as soon as you took the pen out, it kind of lost me because Because it just seems like...

[957] Annoying?

[958] Well, it's a lot going on, man. There's a lot going on.

[959] I mean, I'm not that type of...

[960] You're doing pens.

[961] Well, honestly, I never even...

[962] I always forget that there is a pen.

[963] I always, like, I never take it out.

[964] You never use the pen?

[965] No, and the new one just clicks in there, so you don't...

[966] It just snaps in, so it's like...

[967] Isn't there one that's waterproof though now?

[968] They have a sport?

[969] They have the Samsung S6 Edge Sport or something like that, which is just a built a little bit more tough, and it's waterproof again.

[970] I asked about that And he says, yeah, it's just a more rugged phone But this is a little bit How's the battery life in that thing?

[971] Great, and it's got the new fast charger I have a charging pad now Where I just go home and just set it on this table And then pick it up So I don't have to plug it in anymore Now, do you have to put a special case on it To use that fast charge thing?

[972] No, the new Samsung's that are built into the phone And you don't have to take off a normal case So if you have a case on it, you don't have to take it off It just goes through it So you just sit it down on tape Are you a convert?

[973] I'm just an amazing amazed at the knowledge of like when I listen to the sales guy and tell me the options I'm not even there I'm just like give me the phone let me get out of here you actually retain the information yeah so I love this shit well he goes online and he actually makes videos with these for the longest time before Amazon fucked him he used to have this great thing he was doing where he would buy something like buy a camera and then he would review it and then put up a link from his Amazon so like if somebody bought it he would get like a kickback oh wow so I'd get free stuff pretty much because I would just do such good reviews on these cameras that so many people would click on it, it would pay for the camera.

[974] So it was a way for me to get stuff like cameras and stuff I couldn't afford.

[975] And how come they don't, why isn't that happening anymore?

[976] What happened there?

[977] I don't know.

[978] They said that somebody reported me as saying that I had porn on my website, and so they were going, oh, well, we can't have porn on the website.

[979] And then so they just took all, like they, I was making like, I think I was up to like $7 ,000 a month and just that Amazon stuff.

[980] You didn't really have porn on your website, did you?

[981] No, it's just because, Because it was Death Squad, and there was, like, an episode that had a girl on it that was a porn star.

[982] And so they probably just went there and was all you need?

[983] Yeah.

[984] Fuck, wow.

[985] You were making, like, bank off that shit.

[986] Yeah.

[987] You ever try to get back in?

[988] I need to.

[989] Come on, Amazon.

[990] Come on, Amazon.

[991] Look it up.

[992] Look it up, you fucks.

[993] Now, didn't Apple come out with a bunch of new shit today?

[994] Apple came out with a 12 -inch iPad, so it's called an iPad Pro, which is, it's just like a laptop, like 12 -inch laptop without a keyboard.

[995] They also came with the iPhone 6S, which has a better front -facing camera now.

[996] It's got a better processor.

[997] It's got the touch, 3D touch, what's that called?

[998] What reacts when you touch it?

[999] You feel it?

[1000] Yeah, you can feel it.

[1001] They also released a new Apple TV, which is the thing that I am the most interested in because it is now it plays games, it does apps, and it's the first one to actually, in the future, you're going to have a Joe Rogan app finally.

[1002] So when you're opening up your TV, you're like, oh, CNN.

[1003] Oh, Netflix.

[1004] Oh, Joe Rogan.

[1005] So it's going to, it's the first step into completely destroying the cable industry, I think.

[1006] Wow.

[1007] Well, I use Apple TV a lot now.

[1008] All the time.

[1009] It's all the use.

[1010] It's got Netflix on it.

[1011] It has HBO go on it.

[1012] You can get to those things.

[1013] With shows like Narco or whatever, you know, you don't need anything on regular TV anymore.

[1014] That alone is just...

[1015] I heard that narco shows great.

[1016] Oh, it's beautiful.

[1017] It's like good fellas.

[1018] Is it?

[1019] It's so great.

[1020] Did you watch it?

[1021] Just, I'm halfway in.

[1022] And then I'm like, I'm in.

[1023] I mean, anything with drugs, voiceover, a guy with a mustache.

[1024] Jamie, see if you could find that article that was on Dig yesterday.

[1025] It was the narco traffickers on Instagram, all the shit.

[1026] There's a bunch of these Mexican narco guys have Instagram pages.

[1027] Holy shit.

[1028] Just like, they don't give a fuck.

[1029] They're just showing all the stuff they have.

[1030] They're showing gold -plated guns, girls' asses.

[1031] It's just fucking them shooting guns, stacks of money, pet, Tiger, like the whole deal.

[1032] Like, these guys are living like a goddamn Scarface movie.

[1033] They all have Scarface pictures.

[1034] Like, here's this one guy.

[1035] Yeah.

[1036] That guy's a good guy.

[1037] Go to that guy's page.

[1038] If you click on that little Instagram thing, go to his page.

[1039] He's got a, I mean, look it.

[1040] It's all booties, cars.

[1041] Look at that gold -plated pistol with a BMW.

[1042] Yeah, you scroll down.

[1043] You'll see more asses, more cars.

[1044] Look at that girl's ass.

[1045] Jesus, what an ass.

[1046] Fake as fuck.

[1047] That's fake as Nancy Reagan's organization.

[1048] Oh, what the fuck?

[1049] You can't see Reagan Avenue.

[1050] Look at that ass.

[1051] That can't be real, right?

[1052] I don't know, it's, uh...

[1053] Congratulations if it is real.

[1054] Well, she's got thick legs.

[1055] She might be doing squats.

[1056] A lot of booty shots.

[1057] Yeah, a lot of...

[1058] Look, he's got a pet leopard over there.

[1059] Do you see that, the pet leopard?

[1060] I look that gun.

[1061] Go back to the Instagram.

[1062] What are you doing?

[1063] See the pet leopard?

[1064] Look at that.

[1065] Oh, yeah.

[1066] That's jaguar, leopard, whatever the fuck it is.

[1067] What is crazy bitch?

[1068] It's nuts.

[1069] Oh!

[1070] Oh, yeah, that's...

[1071] Buddy wants to eat.

[1072] It's fucking...

[1073] But these guys are nuts, man. They just live in this crazy life.

[1074] Just showing all the cool stuff that they have.

[1075] Look, he's got a pet leopard on his bed.

[1076] What the fuck, man?

[1077] Dope A -F.

[1078] Dope as fuck.

[1079] Is this all drug money?

[1080] Mm -hmm.

[1081] Yeah.

[1082] Look at Scarface.

[1083] You got to have a Scarface picture.

[1084] Yeah.

[1085] Yeah, there's all drug money.

[1086] I mean, there's a bunch of them.

[1087] There's quite a few.

[1088] There's got a pet tiger down there, a pet lion.

[1089] There's quite a few of these.

[1090] guys on Instagram that just only have uh look at this guy this fucking gold -plated AK -47 this guy's crazy he's got 21 ,000 followers yep a lot of it's from Instagram look at that guy I mean a lot of it's from the dig story look at look at that girl with the tits pointing the gun item wow look at that up there tithes titties and guns that's what's up only 614 likes how rude that deserves a lot more likes.

[1091] That is a great picture.

[1092] And they managed to do it with no nipples.

[1093] Wow, yeah.

[1094] That's perfect.

[1095] Big titties.

[1096] Those are juicy titties.

[1097] My worst nightmare.

[1098] Ha -ha.

[1099] Yeah, there's a bunch of her and of guns and all kinds of crazy shit.

[1100] But these guys are out of their fucking mind.

[1101] I mean, this is the life they're living.

[1102] They're living this nutty narco life.

[1103] The amount of drug money that's in Mexico right now is just fucking insane.

[1104] They're making billion.

[1105] Look at that girl.

[1106] Girl's ass down there.

[1107] Look at that.

[1108] Bottom left.

[1109] Look at the girl's ass.

[1110] Jesus.

[1111] What is that?

[1112] What a fucking ant.

[1113] That can't be real.

[1114] No, that's a...

[1115] That's a fake one.

[1116] That's a fake ass.

[1117] But whatever.

[1118] There's a lot of that lately.

[1119] It was in Vegas last week.

[1120] I saw a lot of fake asses.

[1121] Girls are getting carried away.

[1122] That's the new thing, man. You know, like they had giant tits in the 90s where, like, really popular.

[1123] Girls would just get tits that are way too big.

[1124] That's what they're doing now with their asses.

[1125] Like they don't match your legs at all You have the legs of a lazy girl And the ass of a fucking major league Pulled falter Like some girl can jump over the moon Bags of weed Look at that shitty weed Let me see this weed See ladies and gentlemen If weed was legal This guy would not be making this kind of money Simple But it's true It doesn't like that good It's true This is what happened to You could tell good weed From just the bags Oh 100 % Yeah that's shit weed Yeah I see it looks like leaves and stems Well it's just It's just not American, California, and weed, all right?

[1126] We do it the best out here.

[1127] We have botanists, right?

[1128] They're growing that.

[1129] These avocado growers are making that shit.

[1130] But these dudes, there's a ton of these pages.

[1131] They're fun to watch.

[1132] There's a guy who makes a holster.

[1133] You see the cup holder?

[1134] There's a cup holder holster.

[1135] It pulls your cup holder off, and it fits right in place, and then it's like an actual click -in holster.

[1136] For the gun.

[1137] Yeah, for your pistol.

[1138] Look at that.

[1139] days, ditties and guns.

[1140] This guy's got a gunpoint out of his dick.

[1141] You might want to unload that.

[1142] It's interesting, this culture that has kind of come out of nowhere.

[1143] When I was a kid, I mean, shit, man, fucking 15 years ago.

[1144] You used to be able to go to Cancun.

[1145] You go to Mexico.

[1146] Nobody thought about, like, gang violence from drug dealers in Mexico.

[1147] You didn't think about it at all.

[1148] Well, was this going on at this level, or is it now just the Internet is giving us a window into what was always kind of there.

[1149] No, the world of drug dealers in Mexico has changed radically over the last couple of decades, radically.

[1150] That's pretty established.

[1151] I mean, they definitely always had something going on down there.

[1152] There was always something, but guys like El Chapo, like that crazy fucker that got out of jail by digging a tunnel that's a mile long with an electric scooter inside of it.

[1153] They never found him, right?

[1154] No. You're not going to find that guy.

[1155] Yeah.

[1156] He's figured out how to get away now.

[1157] He paid millions of dollars to have their fucking.

[1158] tunnel made you're not going to find him beautiful tunnel too i mean the just had had everything i think had air conditioning down there with lights it was beautiful it had lights ventilation figured out how to put that that electric bike so it just zip out of there quick so once he got in there he was gone you know and they're waiting for him a mile away in the house tell me they didn't know that that was going on how many people knew that was going on how many times did they hear digging and they just kept their fucking mouth shut well i mean it was somebody else's how house that he popped out of?

[1159] Yeah, it took a year to dig that tunnel, too.

[1160] I mean, it's hilarious.

[1161] The guy just goes into the hole in the ground where the shitter is.

[1162] It's got a little tiny wall, like this high, so that you can't see him taking a shit, so that you couldn't see the hole being dug either.

[1163] And then, it goes right in, and that's it.

[1164] All she wrote, he's gone.

[1165] That's amazing.

[1166] Yeah.

[1167] Yeah, the whole world exists because of illegal drugs.

[1168] If drugs were illegal in this country, there wouldn't be this gigantic demand, and this ability to make insane amounts of money from these cartels.

[1169] It's all.

[1170] But you make drugs legal in the United States, right?

[1171] Does the usage spike or?

[1172] No. Not according to other countries.

[1173] Not according to Portugal.

[1174] Portugal decriminalize everything.

[1175] And they saw a giant drop in HIV infection, giant drop in violent crime, giant drop in addiction.

[1176] It's all, you can't tell people what to do.

[1177] If we were this room, this is my example, if this room was the whole world, or the guys in this room.

[1178] and we were all hanging around and Brian wanted to smoke weed and we're like hey man we got fucking laws you can't smoke weed we're gonna lock you in jail that's what that would be crazy right who would we be to tell you what you can't do that's the same thing with the world we're all just adults it's one thing whether or not should be legal for children I don't think anything that fucks with your mind should be legal for kids you know nothing even fucking energy drinks like monster energy drinks red lines all those crazy things you shouldn't have with you're 14 years old shouldn't give that to a kid they'll drink it and get a goddamn heart attack You shouldn't be able to fuck with their mind They shouldn't be able to smoke cigarettes They shouldn't be able to drink alcohol All that stuff should be illegal for growing minds Because it's dangerous But once you become an adult You are you're as sovereign as I am I should be able to decide what goes in my body What I do with my body As long as it's not hurting you Anybody that tells you differently They're suppressing your freedom It's that simple Do I think you should do heroin?

[1179] No Do I think you should smoke meth?

[1180] No No, but if you want to do it, what a fuck am I to tell you not to do it?

[1181] It's none of my business.

[1182] It's not in my business to tell you to not chew tobacco either.

[1183] I think chewing tobacco is fucking terrible for you.

[1184] I think smoking is terrible.

[1185] All these things are, there's a lot of things that are terrible for you.

[1186] Pills, popping pills are terrible for you.

[1187] Eating shitty food is terrible for you.

[1188] I'm watching this documentary on sugar right now, and it's blowing me away.

[1189] It's blowing me away of how much processed sugar is in just what people think is health foods, health drinks, you know, and how much processed sugar is in people's diets.

[1190] There's a lot of things that are bad for you.

[1191] But it's up to you to decide what to do and what not to do.

[1192] I think the problem is when companies lie about what things are good for you or not good for you, like the tobacco company did for the longest time.

[1193] Those tobacco companies lied about nicotine being addictive, cigarettes being addictive.

[1194] They just lied in order to keep making money.

[1195] That's bad.

[1196] You know, that's bad.

[1197] But once it's all out on the table, Who gives a fuck?

[1198] If you want to smoke cigarettes, who am I, unless you're my friend.

[1199] You know, I'll try to talk you out of it if you're my friend.

[1200] But if you're an adult, do whatever the fuck you want to do.

[1201] And I think it should be that with everything.

[1202] Everything.

[1203] Everything across the board.

[1204] When it comes to drugs or, I mean, where does the laws come in?

[1205] I think prostitution, same thing.

[1206] I think drugs and prostitution are the two stupidest fucking things to make you legal, especially prostitution, because it's legal to be promiscuous.

[1207] It's legal for a girl to just have a sex.

[1208] with as many guys as she wants.

[1209] A girl could go to the Mondrian tonight and just suck 50 dicks and no one could say a goddamn thing about it.

[1210] She can come downstairs.

[1211] Who's next?

[1212] Who's next?

[1213] Who wants to do this?

[1214] But as soon as she starts getting paid for that, then it's illegal.

[1215] No. That's stupid.

[1216] It's stupid.

[1217] It's dumb.

[1218] Willie D. From the ghetto boy said it best.

[1219] You got to let a hoe be a ho.

[1220] He said that shit in the early 90s.

[1221] Just test them, have them test like porn stars, like once a month or once every 15 days, get a sex test.

[1222] They have to use condoms.

[1223] I mean, if you can trade a, you know, a taco for sex, you should be able to trade $100 for sex.

[1224] Exactly.

[1225] It's just stupid.

[1226] Exactly.

[1227] You take a girl out to dinner and she fucks you.

[1228] I mean, a girl that normally wouldn't fuck you.

[1229] What is that?

[1230] Is that prostitution?

[1231] It kind of is.

[1232] You buy her nice gifts and she blows you.

[1233] What is that?

[1234] Is that prostitution?

[1235] Would she have blown you without that nice watch you bought her?

[1236] Probably not.

[1237] I know a lot of models that get paid to, like, they'll get 20 models, take them, send them to a party.

[1238] and, you know, they're just there to make the party look hot, you know, and pretty.

[1239] But if they sleep with somebody at the party, that's the same thing as, like, you know, being a prostit.

[1240] They got paid to, you know, be at this party.

[1241] Yeah, but it's their choice.

[1242] Yeah.

[1243] They're not exchanging money directly for sex.

[1244] And if they are, then it becomes illegal.

[1245] It's fucking stupid.

[1246] It's stupid.

[1247] It's just sex.

[1248] Sex is great.

[1249] Should be able to buy it.

[1250] You should be able to buy it just like you can buy a massage.

[1251] How come you can buy a haircut?

[1252] You can't buy a blowjob.

[1253] It doesn't make any sense.

[1254] makes it's a service it is i mean it shouldn't always be a service like if you love someone you want to have sex with them that's not the same you know but the idea that sex is only for love that's some puritan bullshit it's stupid should be able to do whatever you want guys and girls you know everybody the girl the girl that we were talking about that uh Tommy buns and I was talking about um we were uh Ian Edwards and I were in Vegas and we're coming back and we ran this girl that Ian knows, and she's a stripper, and she had coffee with us at the airport, at the little coffee bean thing, and she was talking about working at the rhino, and I told the story the other day that this girl that she was with said, how lucrative do you get?

[1255] She goes, what do you mean?

[1256] She goes, if dudes give me a lot of money, I'll be getting lucrative.

[1257] I go back to the hotel.

[1258] So that became like all weekend, I mean, all flight back, how lucrative do you get?

[1259] How lucid it.

[1260] She was talking about her husband who lets guys fuck him.

[1261] He's gay for pay.

[1262] Like five guys run a train on him, but they have to give him like a lot of money.

[1263] That should be legal.

[1264] It should be goddamn legal.

[1265] I don't think you should.

[1266] No. What if you were gay?

[1267] If you were gay, you would love it.

[1268] You would love it.

[1269] If you could pay some guy and fucking have him blow you, he'd be all excited.

[1270] You should be able to do it if that's what you want.

[1271] There's no one should be able to stop.

[1272] stop that.

[1273] If there's only this four people in this room and Jamie wants to pay you for head he gets it for free.

[1274] And you want you want to blow him.

[1275] Why should that be bad?

[1276] It's just fucking childish.

[1277] This is all some ancient Puritan stupidity.

[1278] That's all it is.

[1279] It's just some ancient stupid shit that people have been clinging to forever.

[1280] No one should be able to tell anybody what to do if it doesn't hurt you.

[1281] If it doesn't hurt somebody else, if it doesn't hurt other people, you're not victimizing anybody.

[1282] It's one thing like the sex industry, like, you know, sex slaves and underaged sex people.

[1283] That's a totally different story.

[1284] Like exploitation, that's a totally different story.

[1285] But some girl who just wants to get lucrative.

[1286] How lucrative do you get?

[1287] Because I'd be getting lucrative.

[1288] You should be able to do whatever you want.

[1289] We're a bunch of babies, a bunch of grown -up babies.

[1290] You don't fuck around with drugs at all, huh?

[1291] Listen, I've done pot.

[1292] I've done the pot.

[1293] I've done the pot.

[1294] I've done the pot.

[1295] Oh, listen, me, every once in a while, we'll fire it up.

[1296] And, uh...

[1297] What's it right now?

[1298] Glass tips.

[1299] What's that?

[1300] It's got a glass tip on it.

[1301] I feel like you got stuff that nobody else has.

[1302] You're right.

[1303] What is that?

[1304] Is it the only time I've seen a cork was in wine.

[1305] And you got it on that.

[1306] You got a smell.

[1307] You get how you just smell on that joint.

[1308] It has a glass tip in it as a filter.

[1309] Oh, man. What is?

[1310] that's real weed that's american weed god damn it from california but you you never used to do this right you never used to be a pot guy when we were hanging out at the comedy store 2000 2000 you that's when i started you flipped over right yeah yeah no it smells good 15 years 15 years steady pot abuse that you smoke pot every day no no whenever i want to well what does it do for you what it what i mean like that things makes me more creative um makes me um makes me relax makes food taste better, makes sex feel better, makes movies more interesting.

[1311] I love to watch documentaries.

[1312] I get a little baked, watch documentaries, get nervous.

[1313] Wow.

[1314] Makes me creative, I'll tell you that.

[1315] I come up with a lot of crazy ideas when I'm high.

[1316] Like, some of my best ideas I come up when I'm high.

[1317] Let's take a hit and see what happens to you.

[1318] Want to try it?

[1319] No, I'll touch it.

[1320] I'm good.

[1321] I feel like if I have that.

[1322] You're right.

[1323] Like, I couldn't drive home.

[1324] Oh, you definitely could.

[1325] Yeah.

[1326] Just wouldn't go well.

[1327] Nipples will be out.

[1328] The nipples will come up.

[1329] He'll drive right to Melrose.

[1330] Where's the store?

[1331] Where's the store?

[1332] I bought it right.

[1333] It was right here yesterday.

[1334] I swear, I remember it.

[1335] Like, every once in a while, we'll do it.

[1336] Just, you know, if it's there, we'll, and my wife.

[1337] You ever do it?

[1338] Yeah, that's when it's fun.

[1339] You do it, you and the wife, don't get crazy.

[1340] Don't get paranoid.

[1341] Take, like, one hit, and you have the best sex ever.

[1342] You're, like, rediscover each other.

[1343] So I love it, especially edibles.

[1344] A little edible.

[1345] Just not, don't get terrified.

[1346] You know, just, you know, have a little piece.

[1347] What do you, what do you got?

[1348] What's the recommendation?

[1349] What do you, uh...

[1350] I got everything.

[1351] I got it all here.

[1352] What do you want?

[1353] You tell me. Can I get a little...

[1354] How high do you want to get?

[1355] Give me something I could eat with my wife.

[1356] Okay, Jamie.

[1357] Well, after the show, we'll hook them up.

[1358] We've got a bunch of stuff here.

[1359] Yeah?

[1360] Yeah, people keep giving it to me. I got a bunch of good stuff.

[1361] These jambos.

[1362] These are the shit right here.

[1363] A whole box of it right here.

[1364] What is this?

[1365] What's this?

[1366] What's this?

[1367] Awesomeness.

[1368] Yeah, that's for you.

[1369] That's for you.

[1370] Don't get crazy, though.

[1371] Don't eat too much of this.

[1372] Healthyest edibles.

[1373] Listen, cookie, though.

[1374] This is the shit, jambos.

[1375] Oh, they're truffles.

[1376] But, but, but, but, I will warn you right now.

[1377] Gentle, baby steps.

[1378] Like one?

[1379] Oh, dude, don't even eat the whole thing.

[1380] Okay.

[1381] Just take little bites.

[1382] Find your way.

[1383] Find your way, Grasshopper.

[1384] How about this?

[1385] Jesus.

[1386] Look at this shit.

[1387] What's that?

[1388] Consume half a trouble for the first time.

[1389] What's that?

[1390] What is that?

[1391] Supercharged butter.

[1392] It's just butter?

[1393] What do you put this on toast in the morning?

[1394] Popcorn.

[1395] Yes, you do.

[1396] Put that on your popcorn.

[1397] You'll fucking go right to Pluto.

[1398] Really?

[1399] Yeah, go see Star Wars.

[1400] When the new Star Wars comes out, melt that butter, bring it with you.

[1401] Or just use it and look at the old one.

[1402] I think it's the new one.

[1403] I can use that.

[1404] Star Wars will become, you'll be like, first of all, this movie is fake, it's fuck.

[1405] But when you take that home, Really trust me Gentle Gentle meaning like just a nibble Like a fingernail Like a pinky fingernail like a pinky fingernail like a pinky nail That's the size piece you want to try Okay don't get crazy I'm not kidding man These these things will fuck you up man Wow this is great has MCT coconut oil in it And it's grass fed Well jambos is my favorite Because these guys are making It's all organic all healthy No processed sugar No high fructose corn syrup Everything they make is like very good for you And puts you on fucking ludo.

[1406] Gluten free, too.

[1407] That's right, bitch.

[1408] No gluten.

[1409] You don't want gluten when you're getting so high.

[1410] You want to die.

[1411] It's the last thing you want to do is be thinking about.

[1412] I had the gluten.

[1413] I was doing so good.

[1414] I think I'm going to go back to gluten free.

[1415] Wow.

[1416] I get a fucking problem with pasta, dude.

[1417] Well, what's the problem?

[1418] The guinea in me. Is it a stomach issue?

[1419] I love it.

[1420] No, it makes you fat.

[1421] It's not good for you.

[1422] I'm pretty objective about what happens when I eat food.

[1423] Like, some foods have a reaction that I don't necessarily, I don't like the physical reaction.

[1424] Like, look, if I eat salads, just like a nice, healthy salad and a piece of steak, like a piece of meat or a piece of fish, I feel great.

[1425] I have no problems.

[1426] But if I eat, like, a big bowl of pasta, like, I'm a sucker for, like, linguine with clams, that brick in my stomach, it feels awesome when it's going down.

[1427] When I'm eating in, I'm like, I can barely breathe.

[1428] I'm just...

[1429] it's so good it's so good but after it's over you're just like oh yeah well your body your fucking insulin spiking and your body's trying to process all that dough that's sitting in the bottom of your stomach and your body just turns it into straight sugar I mean it's really it's you might as well be eating bowls of sugar yeah when you eat a big plate of pasta no I had a sensitivity test out of like a blood sensitivity and I have a sensitivity to those products and when I do eat it it it's a problem I listen I was I was eating cheese, breads, pasta for years, had bloatedness and, I don't mean to get grass, gas like you wouldn't believe, right?

[1430] And I just thought, all right, this is part of aging, you know, just ripping them.

[1431] I'm like, okay, this is what happens when you become 40.

[1432] So I went to get the test, and I eliminated it out of the diet.

[1433] I dropped some weight, and I don't have that, you know, like you're saying, you have a nice Salad, nice steak.

[1434] It's nice.

[1435] You don't feel exhausted.

[1436] But I have a bowl of pasta.

[1437] Forget it.

[1438] I'm napping.

[1439] It's so good, though.

[1440] Bread is so good.

[1441] When you go to an Italian restaurant and they come with that bread, they get that basket of bread and the butter.

[1442] Unlimited bread sticks.

[1443] And the fucking olive oil.

[1444] Oh, forget it.

[1445] Forget it.

[1446] But it's just so bad for you.

[1447] I mean, it's not the worst shit in the world for you.

[1448] But I think I'm going to give myself just a cheat day a week.

[1449] And then for the rest of the week, I think, I'm just avoiding gluten from now on.

[1450] I'm going to avoid breads and processed sugars.

[1451] I just, I work out so much, and I take such good care in my body, that those things, that when I do those things, I'm going to limit my alcohol consumption to.

[1452] I'm going to limit my alcohol consumption to one day a week.

[1453] I've cut mine in half in the last two weeks.

[1454] So, like, 50, 60 drinks a week, now?

[1455] 70 to 80 drinks.

[1456] What's your drink?

[1457] You have like a go -to?

[1458] Turkey ginger.

[1459] Wild turkey and ginger ale?

[1460] That's your shit?

[1461] Yeah, ginger out helps with the stomach.

[1462] It's not a bad drink.

[1463] Let's get a drink right now.

[1464] Fuck it.

[1465] God, it sounds...

[1466] I'm going the other way.

[1467] I'm just going to drink till I die.

[1468] I'm going to go Pachowski -style.

[1469] Just fucking get a big fat booty.

[1470] I was going there for a while.

[1471] Were you?

[1472] Yeah, I was just, you know, deep drinking.

[1473] Like...

[1474] You gotta get off the cancer sticks, K. Yeah.

[1475] Yeah.

[1476] But drinking was way more if...

[1477] Like, I've been destroying myself drinking, like, the last six.

[1478] months.

[1479] Is it just hanging out the store?

[1480] Hanging out the store, just, you know, just the shit I've been dealing with.

[1481] I've just like, fuck it.

[1482] I'm just going all in drinking.

[1483] But, no, and then being out of it, what's really nice is waking up, though, and just going, oh yeah, I don't have a hangover.

[1484] I forgot.

[1485] That's so great.

[1486] I thought that this morning.

[1487] I've been waking up at 7 in the morning.

[1488] This morning, I woke up, got the girls ready for school, and then took a yoga class, and I feel like a winner.

[1489] I just feel like I'm fucking productive.

[1490] Why ruin that with beverages at night?

[1491] Exactly.

[1492] It's hard though at the comedy store.

[1493] I just stopped going to the comedy store half the time now.

[1494] Yeah.

[1495] You know what though, man?

[1496] I go and smoke a little weed and drink water.

[1497] I do that, you know?

[1498] Because the weed just doesn't affect, especially those vapor pens.

[1499] I love vapor pens now.

[1500] That's my new way to do it.

[1501] Me too, man. No coughing, no nothing, no weirdness and the ones that fucking Gino has from L .A. Speedweed, yeah.

[1502] Jesus, that man has good products.

[1503] I just did a Playboy interview for for him or with him for his business and he showed me all his new products he has these pins where you know rechargeable batteries and you just buy a new tank and it's 500 hits per tank and i think he said it was like 40 bucks or something it's so much better and you can just do it in public because it doesn't smell like it smells like strawberries it's something that smell like strawberries yeah people think you're smoking some sort of a tobacco product and the glass tips that he sells once you go glass tip it's really hard to go back to like those little paper ones when you're just it's it's like You start getting spoiled.

[1504] Glass tips.

[1505] Let me tell you something about glass tips.

[1506] When I grew up in fucking Northburg in New Jersey, there was no glass tips.

[1507] Cocksucker.

[1508] You took your fucking weed.

[1509] When the weed came your way, you took what you got.

[1510] Fucking kids in that glass tips.

[1511] I got a glass tip.

[1512] I'll stick it right up your ass.

[1513] Your fucking glass tips.

[1514] Nothing like doing an interview, though, with a publication like Playboy.

[1515] And then being so stone, though, that halfway through you were just like, huh?

[1516] What are I talking about?

[1517] Did you get stone before you did the culture?

[1518] High before you did that interview?

[1519] Yeah, all of them, yeah.

[1520] I was sick before I did the Culture High interview.

[1521] When I listened to it now, I'm like, wow, my voice is all fucked up.

[1522] I was flying from gig to gig.

[1523] I was in Edmonton doing stand -up when I did that.

[1524] That's a great documentary, though.

[1525] Yeah, I just re -watched it.

[1526] It's fucking, that guy, Adam Scorgy, he knows what the fight.

[1527] And Brett, they know what they're doing.

[1528] They nailed it.

[1529] What's it called?

[1530] It's called The Culture High.

[1531] Culture High.

[1532] Yeah, it's about, well, they did this documentary called The Union, which is all about the, the, the, the, the, the, the, business of marijuana in British Columbia and how it's so such a part of the economy if you pulled weed out of British Columbia the economy would fall apart like the like Vancouver like that area is almost entirely dependent upon wheat it's a staple of their economy and if you pulled it out of there like the money they would be fucked and it just showed it highlighted the silliness about marijuana illegalization like how crazy it is that grown adults can't have this one drug that has zero side effects doesn't kill anybody this one drug that has all these medical benefits this one drug that helps all these kids with autism and people with wasting disease and the glaucoma interocular pressure reliever all these different things that it does for you and it's illegal but then you know look at all the stuff that is legal and how all this the side effects of all the shit that marijuana would replace that's fucking crazy well they went into it way deeper with the culture high and the culture high just showed how fucking insane it is and how much how much how much bullshit you're shit is being spread about like what we're what addiction really is like people say that weed is addicted which is why i got so mad at fucking dr drew like all this addiction nonsense it's no physical addiction properties in marijuana it just doesn't exist what the addiction is is the same addiction that you would have you were addicted to anything whether it's gambling or jerking off or fucking people are addicted to all kinds of crazy shit those thrill seekers like that kid that was on that skateboard guaranteed that kid's addicted to adrenaline yeah i mean but you when you see the people though that smoke the marijuana where they're like having a joint and they have a second joint ready just for it if they didn't have joints it would been something else yeah so that's not it's unfair to tie that it's how many people do we know that they like that with food yeah with we know guys that are like that with food that literally they will stuff their fucking faces until they die yeah they just get addicted to food same thing they pass by a jack in the box they can't help they find themselves in that drive in their heart rate it's increasing and they start ordering food they know they shouldn't eat it's the same thing people get addicted to shit it's just a part of being a person you know to taking taking that away from people is just stupid you do it do whatever you want if you want to you know you want to fucking go pole vaulting you want to walk on a tightrope you can do it you can do all that stuff do whatever you want to do that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying opening free you want to you want to take a little cookie don't a little finger and i don't do it careful be careful with that though i don't want to see you in a week from now the way you're talking about this yeah i ain't doing I've got to do it Because my fingernail might be Longer than yours I'll have a little bit And I'll be Convulsing in my driveway You'll be fine You've just been real nervous For a while A couple hours A candy flip the other day by mistake I didn't know what was a candy flip I thought it was just ecstasy But it was acid and ecstasy And wow I highly recommend that That is cool You don't tell that to the kids What about the children Allegedly See that's another thing How come that's not legal How come what you did is illegal I don't know There should be places where you can go And you could legally candy flip Yeah Like there's doctors there Padded walls The whole deal That's great What a great combo Having hallucinogens With something that makes your body feel amazing I mean I just sat there and soaked in the girl The whole time We're just like Ugh That's great There you go Look at that See?

[1533] Hey I'm learning stuff left in right candy flip you didn't hear you never heard about that come on i don't live in these circles come on what circles do you live in a bunch of waiters sitting around talking about nipple shirts furniture shopping with dice it's the best thing you could do with your wife or a girlfriend it's because it's just like true serum and then you put you add the the the acid to it now it's like you're in alice in wonderland i can't do this man too much too much truth too much and it's just too much going on this is i've always had a fear of doing any of these things because i feel the time i do it my body reacts to it and people are going to go we've never seen this happen before with a candy flip guys foaming at the mouth and he's losing blood that's that i've always i've always had that fear so i don't do any of it i just have a nice cabernet and we call it a night right that's my candy flip that's not great and that's that's the end of that if you get crazy you'll take a shot of jack I like, yeah, I like Patron.

[1534] That's my...

[1535] Petron.

[1536] A little tequila.

[1537] Very smooth, especially when it's cold.

[1538] Yeah, that's all I go.

[1539] That's about as far as I go.

[1540] No coke?

[1541] No, never did it.

[1542] Never?

[1543] Never?

[1544] And why did you always talk about your fingernails then?

[1545] How'd you know that then?

[1546] What do you mean?

[1547] I saw his fingernail?

[1548] Mine is longer.

[1549] No. It's Coke now.

[1550] No. Just a little bit.

[1551] My finger nails is a little bit longer.

[1552] Could be a little longer.

[1553] No, I never done it.

[1554] I did, I did, um...

[1555] What did I do?

[1556] I did mushrooms once in college.

[1557] Only once?

[1558] Yeah, and I don't know what was going on.

[1559] I had a full, I was freaking out, and people had to talk me down.

[1560] I don't know what was going on.

[1561] So I was like, this ain't for me. You ate too much.

[1562] Yeah.

[1563] Well, they gave me it in a sandwich.

[1564] And the guy, apparently when you first do this stuff, you're supposed to do it with somebody.

[1565] And the guy left me. And I was the president of my fraternity at the time.

[1566] So I'm walking around the house, and the alumni is going, what's going on with the chapter?

[1567] Why are we in debt?

[1568] And I'm like, sweating.

[1569] And I had to go back to my room and by myself was in the room hoping that this kind of would end because I thought I was going to be this way for the rest of my life.

[1570] That's where I was.

[1571] So I was like, I ain't doing this.

[1572] This ain't for me. And ever since then, a little wine.

[1573] A little cabernet.

[1574] We'll call it a night.

[1575] And we'll call it at night.

[1576] I'll do a jambo with my wife maybe on vacation.

[1577] We'll see how this to.

[1578] You guys, you can have a little bit of that.

[1579] Half.

[1580] Yeah.

[1581] No, no, no. Don't listen to him.

[1582] A bag.

[1583] You know what you want?

[1584] Here, this is a good measurement.

[1585] The top of a USB stick.

[1586] Oh, is that the metal piece?

[1587] That's the standard.

[1588] That's what you want.

[1589] That's what you want.

[1590] Nothing bigger than that.

[1591] Look at that and chop that off.

[1592] Cut that off.

[1593] Cut that off.

[1594] Cut that size of a piece off.

[1595] And then take a little time.

[1596] Like, give it an hour and a half.

[1597] And then if you feel like, I can go deeper, then take one and a half of those.

[1598] Just don't get crazy.

[1599] All right.

[1600] Where people, fuck up as they go too deep and then they never want to do it again.

[1601] They miss all the benefits.

[1602] Girls that don't smoke weed you usually have.

[1603] Oh, every time I smoke, I have a panic attack.

[1604] How much do you smoke?

[1605] Oh, like a joint?

[1606] And I'm like, yeah, why didn't you just have one hit?

[1607] If you don't smoke weed and you get into this California shit, the Gino's pushing.

[1608] Ooh!

[1609] But it's a psychedelic.

[1610] It really is.

[1611] I mean, this new marijuana in the right dose is absolutely a psychedelic, especially if you eat it.

[1612] I see some insane shit in my tank.

[1613] When I eat the weed, I get the wild, wild visualizations where they might as well, I mean, it might as well be on mushrooms.

[1614] You know, the combination of the sensory deprivation tank and then the weed together.

[1615] No yoga, Sebastian, no nothing?

[1616] You're fit?

[1617] You look like a fit guy.

[1618] I'm a little working out.

[1619] I keep in shape, but I'd like to get into yoga.

[1620] The older I get, the more I think I should get into yoga, I have severe back problems.

[1621] It'll help tremendously.

[1622] I've heard it's great for the back.

[1623] And, you know, my posture, I'm slumping.

[1624] I feel like I'm, like, devolving.

[1625] Do you live in the city?

[1626] Where do you live?

[1627] I live, West Hollywood area.

[1628] Yeah, there's a great, that beak room's yoga on La Siena.

[1629] That's the beckrum, that crazy fucker who's, like, he's always been charged with a sexual assault and all kinds of weird shit.

[1630] I don't know what the fuck the guy did or didn't do.

[1631] But highly regarded as a yoga instructor.

[1632] It's supposed to be kind of a, kind of douchy human.

[1633] That's the heat, the hot yoga.

[1634] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I do.

[1635] I do that stuff.

[1636] You know, one of the reasons why I do it is because Rhonda Patrick, the doctor that I have on the podcast a bunch of times, she talks about the benefits of sauna, about heat shock, like heat shock proteins.

[1637] And when your body heats up like that, there's like, there's a compensatory response that your body's like, holy shit, we're dying.

[1638] Like we have to produce like something to deal with this.

[1639] And that response, I guarantee you that's a similar thing to what you get when you do hot yoga.

[1640] Because when I do that shit, I'm high for like the rest of the day.

[1641] It sucks while you're doing it, man. Whatever bitch you have in you, that fucking last 15, 20 minutes a yoga class will pull it out.

[1642] Because that's the hardest, one of the hardest things I do is the last, like it's an hour and a half class.

[1643] The last 15, 20 minutes, I am fucking sweating like a pig.

[1644] I'm overheating like crazy.

[1645] But when you get out of there, you feel like you really did something.

[1646] And you feel great.

[1647] You feel like loose and pliable.

[1648] Yeah, I need that.

[1649] I need to have pliability.

[1650] I feel tight and...

[1651] Yeah, especially as you get older.

[1652] It just smell like butt in there, though?

[1653] Is it just the butts everywhere?

[1654] No. I try to not...

[1655] I try to keep to myself.

[1656] Stick my nose in people's asses.

[1657] It smells like housewives, mostly.

[1658] Housewives are tougher than you think, dude.

[1659] Oh, there's some pretty girls.

[1660] Yeah, pretty girls do yoga.

[1661] That's one of the benefits of it.

[1662] Get something to look at.

[1663] Yeah, I got to get into more alternative type of...

[1664] I mean, you know, I'm still going to the gym.

[1665] Lifting the weights.

[1666] stretching so it's so important that don't do that how old are you now 42 yeah see as you get older that is the one thing that really fucks with you is flexibility spinal flexibility is a big one mobility you know and a lot of people they don't work on that it's not fun you know it's fun to go and do some curls and then look at yourself a man looking out of it you know that's fun it's easy yeah but it's not easy doing yoga would you do yoga yeah I like yoga I wouldn't do hot yoga though why not I just I just don't like it.

[1667] I did hot yoga once with my ex a long time ago.

[1668] It was awful.

[1669] It was just miserable.

[1670] Yeah, that's the point.

[1671] Yeah.

[1672] It's not supposed to be fun.

[1673] I think regular yoga, though, would be fine.

[1674] But, I don't know.

[1675] Sweat out the candy for it.

[1676] How come we don't do it?

[1677] But if you, like, in an ideal world, if you could step outside yourself, if you were, like, giving yourself advice.

[1678] And you were like, you know, Brian Redband, you need to get your shit together.

[1679] I'm going to help you, and this is what I'm prescribed.

[1680] What would you prescribe that you should do?

[1681] Move from L .A. Why would you move from L .A.?

[1682] It's hard living here.

[1683] It's very stressful to live here.

[1684] In one way?

[1685] Money -wise and stuff like that, paying bills and, you know.

[1686] Well, you're irresponsible.

[1687] I'm here, I'm super irresponsible.

[1688] You don't pay your taxes.

[1689] You blow every penny you have.

[1690] Right.

[1691] All the money.

[1692] Yeah, there's a lot of issues with you that have nothing to do with the cost of living in Burbank.

[1693] Right, you know, having like Desquod Studio and all that, it's like, that's like $2 ,000 a month that I'm just fucking throwing away.

[1694] Rent, insurance, uh, internet, all the crap that goes with it.

[1695] Why don't you have ads on your podcast?

[1696] Like, what is wrong with you?

[1697] That seems so silly.

[1698] That would fix all that like that.

[1699] Yeah.

[1700] Um, exactly.

[1701] It's, yeah.

[1702] I don't have a staff.

[1703] I have nobody.

[1704] You don't need a staff to get ads?

[1705] I need a staff to, to work out deals and to make sure things happen and things like that.

[1706] No, you don't.

[1707] You get an agent.

[1708] There's podcast agents now.

[1709] I know.

[1710] I have none of that, though.

[1711] But that's easy to get.

[1712] Like, there's podcast agents.

[1713] If you have, like, a certain amount of downloads per month, there's people that have less downloads than you that get agents.

[1714] Yeah.

[1715] Well, I'm sure it's easy.

[1716] It's just that right now, it's just like, oh, so much stress with other things, you know, going on.

[1717] Got to take care of your fucking house.

[1718] I hate it.

[1719] I hate it.

[1720] You hate what?

[1721] Discipline?

[1722] No, yeah.

[1723] I hate all this.

[1724] Order?

[1725] Work.

[1726] It's like, it's like, I want to be creative.

[1727] I don't want to be, like, like.

[1728] filing papers and like getting you know doing all this crap this guy was a fucking waitress okay oh I was a waitress you know how nice I used to do the same thing I waited for 11 years it's well no it's like what I was saying it's actually relaxing that having that's very fun because you sleep with everyone that works at the restaurant you know they it's how dare you when you're a waiter you just pretty much hang out with that those people it's like having a different family like a comedy family like like you said.

[1729] I've done that for a while, but that's a different life, though.

[1730] It's basic.

[1731] It's nice.

[1732] That's a nice, basic life instead of having to deal with all this crap.

[1733] Well, I mean, there's nothing wrong.

[1734] I don't think there's anything wrong.

[1735] Getting a job, supplementing your income long.

[1736] You're being creative, right?

[1737] For me, it allowed me to do a lot of things that I probably couldn't if I was just relying on comedy income.

[1738] Sure.

[1739] Oh, absolutely.

[1740] Yeah, I mean.

[1741] It's a fucking grind, man. It's grind the early days especially i used to deliver newspapers that was my gig oh yeah yeah get up every morning and that's when i lived in boston the problem that is you can't go on the road because you can't leave because you have to do the road yeah but there's a lot of different fucking gigs that you can get as a struggling comedian in l .a you know especially now i mean there's a lot of opportunities out there for i mean if uber i think if uber was around when i was coming up i definitely would have been an uber driver and i would have kept my car unbelievably clean i always used to take pride in cleaning my car just the way it smelled vacuuming nice you don't do that now oh yeah i constantly do it everything is clean you're a clean guy huh i like being clean what's that about i don't know i just grew up in this house where you know plastic on the furniture no not not we weren't that uh no i'm telling my uncles and aunts they lived in the basement with the plastic, not my house.

[1742] My house, you could go wherever you wanted to go, but it was clean.

[1743] How did that ever happen?

[1744] The plastic and the furniture in the Italian houses?

[1745] You don't use it.

[1746] You don't use it.

[1747] They've got kitchens that they don't use.

[1748] Upstairs, it's a showpiece.

[1749] Yeah, what is that?

[1750] I don't know.

[1751] I don't know.

[1752] I think that's, I don't know, because you go to Italy, they ain't living in the basement.

[1753] They're using whatever they got.

[1754] Apparently, they came here and now there's two kitchens.

[1755] There's one upstairs, and there's one downstairs.

[1756] I had an aunt.

[1757] You walk in?

[1758] You didn't even go They had like a rope.

[1759] You couldn't even go into that kitchen upstairs.

[1760] She had a rope?

[1761] Rope.

[1762] Like a line at a club?

[1763] Yeah, like almost like a velvet rope that they hooked that you couldn't even get into that area.

[1764] You went right downstairs and then they lived right in the basement.

[1765] Wow.

[1766] So I don't know what it was.

[1767] How strange.

[1768] It was strange.

[1769] And the whole thing with the uncle, my uncle really taught me how to be clean.

[1770] That was the whole thing.

[1771] He always kept his car immaculate.

[1772] I was fascinated by it.

[1773] What kind of car?

[1774] He drove a Cadillac, and how he used to make it smell good was he used to take a little towel, cut it in the squares, and then roll up the little squares, put him in Cologne, and let that marinate overnight.

[1775] Oh, my God.

[1776] Then in the morning, this is it?

[1777] And then he took it and he put it in the vents of the car underneath, right?

[1778] he put the air or the heat on your car throughout the car that's so stinky that stuff is so nasty this is 80s that's hilarious that's so fucking funny so I was just to be fascinated how I used to keep things everything was very meticulous so to this day I kind of like to keep my car clean everybody does come on don't you I mean you see you pull up in the you got a nice clean car this fill of shit some of the cars some of my cars are clean The Corvette's always clean.

[1779] Your uncle was ahead of his time because they have new cars now that actually have that as an option.

[1780] They have like a scent that you can plug in.

[1781] Like the new BMW 7 series has several different scents and you turn them on and they slowly like filter into the cars.

[1782] Yeah, they have like a woodsy scent.

[1783] But meanwhile, how much cancer are you getting from that stuff?

[1784] Breathe it in some fucking fake smell that they pumped into your lungs.

[1785] If you could smell it in, inhaling it.

[1786] It's a great idea, though.

[1787] It is a great idea.

[1788] As long as it doesn't kill you, it's a great idea.

[1789] It's probably just the same stuff that they spray in, like, the car wash when you went, new car, cherry.

[1790] Yeah, maybe, but the problem is it's going through the vents.

[1791] So, like, it's in the air.

[1792] I would like to have a particle analysis of what that stuff is actually doing.

[1793] I like the smell of leather.

[1794] I like the smell of a new car, like the new leather smell.

[1795] I don't need, like, forest smells.

[1796] Yeah.

[1797] You know, unicorn farts.

[1798] I don't need that.

[1799] And, you know, daisies.

[1800] It smells like dais.

[1801] What, am I outside or am I inside?

[1802] I'm in the car, right?

[1803] If I want to smell daisies, I'll go sit in a daisy field.

[1804] Daisies even smell?

[1805] Dazes, yeah.

[1806] Do they?

[1807] Smell good.

[1808] What does, yeah.

[1809] Anyway, anything else to add, Sebastian?

[1810] Anything else to add?

[1811] No, I don't know anybody that died from smelling your car.

[1812] That sounds so gross, though.

[1813] I bet there's a lot of rape victims that would argue.

[1814] argue against that I heard that stuff for a while again why did I have it because I was trying to get laid that's why so you know I longer wear cologne no how dare you do you what did you wear did you wear it your car not no I'm a fucking man I smell like a man you smell like a man so so Cologne is not manly no no no it's like perfume it's like perfume it's just a little just a little hint hmm I have often heard this you're not going to like this put a little cologne on your hand right shake somebody's hands like your business card they go home is that him it's her right on the hand that's disgusting I heard that somebody told me put a little cologne on your hands like tell that person they're an asshole how do that that person's fucking crazy you don't want to do that people stink that's why people come home and they're like Why is, why do you smell like that?

[1815] Oh, I shook Sebastian's hand.

[1816] Get him knuckles from now on, only knuckles.

[1817] That's how Hallie Mandela got started with knuckles.

[1818] Somebody snuck in my sub -Sabastian handshake.

[1819] Oh, Sebastian Business Card.

[1820] That's a great idea.

[1821] I got to get out of here.

[1822] So, for your website, what's your website?

[1823] SebastianLive .com.

[1824] SebastianLive .com.

[1825] You're on the road anytime, sir?

[1826] Yeah, I'm going to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire.

[1827] Oh, shit.

[1828] The casino?

[1829] You do a casino up there?

[1830] I've done that.

[1831] That's fun.

[1832] It's fun gig.

[1833] I can't wait to do it.

[1834] I saw George Carlin there.

[1835] Did you?

[1836] Yeah, when I was an open micer.

[1837] Wow.

[1838] Fuck, yeah.

[1839] Foxwoods, you doing Foxwoods too?

[1840] That will make you want to jump through a fucking window.

[1841] That's a terrible gig.

[1842] Oof, that Foxwoods is rough.

[1843] That's in the middle of nowhere, man. It's a dark, dark crowd.

[1844] Sebastiancom.

[1845] SebastianComedy.

[1846] Sebastian Live .com and Pete and Sebastian show.

[1847] We got a little podcast that we do.

[1848] Oh, I didn't know you how to.

[1849] Who you do with?

[1850] Pete Correlli.

[1851] Oh.

[1852] that's great oh okay cool beautiful okay um uh Sebastian comedy on Twitter and uh Brian's show is tonight uh at the comedy store again Jim Florentine Dam Ireira Ben G Steve Aegee Dean Delray Brian Moses Brian Redband Mike Lawrence Tony Hinchcliffe Mark Saratella and uh secret guests two secret guests and uh that's it you fucks we'll see you guys next week and uh bye bye big kiss me