Fred Armisen

[0] Hi, my name is Fred Armisen.

[1] And I feel productive about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] What does that mean?

[3] You're such an oddball.

[4] I've never met a man like you before, and I never will again.

[5] Wow, thank you.

[6] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can, tell that we are going to be friends.

[7] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[8] Hello, this is Conan O 'Brien.

[9] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, starring me, Conan O 'Brien, narrated by Conan O 'Brien.

[10] I'm just trying to get my name in as many times as possible.

[11] I also do most of the tech, technical engineering.

[12] No one, no one believes it.

[13] You wouldn't be hearing this.

[14] Okay, so what you're saying is I'm probably not very good.

[15] good at tech.

[16] With all due respect, you're an active hindrance to the tech.

[17] That's true.

[18] I can't help it.

[19] It's just not my strong suit.

[20] No, that's not fair.

[21] You did really well today.

[22] Yeah, today, people don't realize that during these times, these unusual times we're in, it's necessary.

[23] Sometimes we can be in studio together and sometimes we can't.

[24] Today, we're all separate.

[25] And so I'm supposed to get on a, you know, my computer.

[26] And I'm supposed to get on a, you know, my I'm supposed to, that's all I know, it's a computer.

[27] I don't know anything else about it.

[28] It's a computer.

[29] And so, and then I'm supposed to, you guys talk me through the QuickTime player, and then you got to press this and drag that file.

[30] And it's a sad commentary on my abilities.

[31] I do not think I'm made for the modern world.

[32] I am a 19th century man at best, probably more of a 17th century man. I only get 17th century diseases.

[33] Oh, you're lucky.

[34] Yeah, I have palsy right now in the grip.

[35] Oh, my God.

[36] Yeah, I have bidler's flux.

[37] I take all different kinds of oils when I get sick.

[38] I mix up a mustard plaster, and I have it put on my chest, and I lay in a four -poster bed.

[39] I bleed myself occasionally to energize my bodily humors.

[40] What the hell?

[41] Well, you know, that that's how, yeah, that people used to bleed themselves to, I mean, And one of the saddest things you can ever read is about the death of George Washington, who was otherwise very healthy, still relatively young.

[42] And he went out for a ride in the rain, and he comes back to Mount Vernon, and he's not feeling great.

[43] And then he wakes up in the morning with a sore throat and a fever.

[44] And what happens?

[45] Because he's George Washington immediately, 35 doctors come rushing in and say, we're here to save you, Father of our nation.

[46] And they start to bleed him.

[47] And they bleed him, and they bleed him, and they bleed him.

[48] and they bleed him.

[49] And then finally he just puts up his hand and says, enough, let me die.

[50] And he just dies.

[51] Oh my God.

[52] I don't realize that.

[53] Yeah.

[54] What are those four humors, blood, phlegal is one?

[55] Yellow bile and black bile?

[56] I think so.

[57] Oh, that's nice.

[58] Yeah.

[59] I mean, this is before people advanced to phrenology where they would try and determine what was wrong with you by what bumps you had on your head.

[60] So basically, I think, if George Washington had immediately been rushed to a hospital and given some antibiotics, He'd be alive today.

[61] He'd be alive today.

[62] He'd have a lot to answer for.

[63] So don't do that.

[64] If you're not feeling well, this is my public service announcement, don't bleed yourself.

[65] Okay.

[66] Don't try to equalize your bodily humors.

[67] Now, we are rocketing into this year 2021.

[68] We're all hoping it's going to be a better year.

[69] We're rocketing in.

[70] We are.

[71] We're rocketing through it.

[72] Sona, are you having a good year?

[73] so far?

[74] Uh, yeah.

[75] I haven't done anything.

[76] I binged the show Bridgerton on Netflix in a day.

[77] I hear that that's literally a bodice ripper, that there's a lot of, that that's a, that it's one of those period dramas, but there's a lot of sex.

[78] Is that true?

[79] Yeah.

[80] I was sweating through some of it.

[81] Wow.

[82] I know.

[83] And I feel so, like, repressed.

[84] Oh my God.

[85] Can you know what?

[86] If you feel repressed, because you're the least repressed person I've ever met.

[87] Yes.

[88] If this is a show that made you sweat, it would make me explode.

[89] It would just be, my wife would hear me watching the beginning of Bridgeton.

[90] Ah, Bridgeton, here we go.

[91] And then the show would start.

[92] And then three seconds into it should hear a loud splat and should come in and I'd be gone.

[93] There'd be a vapor and the walls would be covered with a reddish smudge.

[94] Oh, your four humors.

[95] My four bodily humors all over the wall.

[96] Oh, wow.

[97] So are you recommending it?

[98] Do you think I could watch it?

[99] I don't think you could watch it.

[100] I think it's a lot of fun.

[101] It's very soapy.

[102] It's a period.

[103] It's fun.

[104] There's lots of butts in it.

[105] And yeah.

[106] And there's...

[107] I like a butt.

[108] I like to see a butt every now and then.

[109] I mean, I usually watch anything that's kind of softcore on Netflix, because that's all my friends talk about.

[110] So basically, you'd watch the news.

[111] You'd watch a lot of the news, like financial news.

[112] if they were all naked people.

[113] Yeah.

[114] I was giving the financial news.

[115] Would you?

[116] How, who doesn't want their financial news like that?

[117] It'd be really funny if you suddenly became really smart about, no, no, no, no. You've got a, that's a, about stocks and about making all these business.

[118] And I'm like, wow, that's really impressive.

[119] And then I just found out that Netflix had a nightly financial news show that was very good and very in -depth.

[120] But it was porn stars, you know, telling you all this information while they're doing.

[121] it and it was really beautifully shot.

[122] Yeah, I think it, well, not porn stars, but like actual financial people and they were just naked.

[123] I think I'm like, Kramer, that guy, mad money, you want him?

[124] Oh my God, I'd love to see Kramer naked.

[125] I've often dreamed of it and now to even think it's a possibility.

[126] Okay.

[127] No, him doing the exact same show where he's yelling and hitting a button and yelling and waving his arms, but he's just naked would be...

[128] Oh, and the camera goes in and out on him?

[129] Oh, yeah.

[130] I think we've gone far enough.

[131] with this one.

[132] I'm going to pull us back on this one.

[133] Matthew Corley, how were you?

[134] I'm okay.

[135] You know, I mean, look at me. I've just let myself go to hell.

[136] No, you got a nice, you got a nice salt and pepper beard.

[137] You look distinguished.

[138] I've given up.

[139] No, you haven't.

[140] That's funny.

[141] You think you've given up and you just look like a very well -regarded anthropologist.

[142] That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. No, you do.

[143] You look very, you know, it's not like you have a hillbilly beard.

[144] You have a very distinguished good luck on the exact.

[145] It's been an honor knowing you all, you know, and then you leave the dais, you know?

[146] You have that look.

[147] Oh, thanks.

[148] I feel better now.

[149] How are you doing?

[150] Well, thank you.

[151] I only asked you guys.

[152] Oh, God.

[153] So that you could come around to me. We know.

[154] We know.

[155] And, hey, do me a favor.

[156] Edit out the parts where you guys talk about how you.

[157] Oh.

[158] It's all just to get to you.

[159] I'm the insane puppet master with no puppets.

[160] And Gorley's the one who would do that.

[161] You're asking Gorley to just edit himself.

[162] Gorley, the part where you tell us how you are as a human being, edit that out.

[163] You've got it.

[164] And then put how I am on a loop.

[165] So it plays seven times with six commercials for various ways to save your photographs on glass.

[166] I got it still on it.

[167] It's been years.

[168] It has not.

[169] Why did Fracture leave us?

[170] Because they were getting all the free advertising.

[171] I know.

[172] I'm talking about them again.

[173] I'm doing okay.

[174] I'm still optimistic about this new year.

[175] I do feel fortunate that we get to make this podcast.

[176] I really do.

[177] Because I have to say, you know, we're not able to make the show right now in the theater the way we've been doing it because of the surge here in Los Angeles.

[178] And so it's nice.

[179] Like I was really excited to, oh, I'm going to get to do the podcast and be silly with a really funny guest and talk to Sona and Matt.

[180] And I just, I was feeling grateful for that because I'm telling you, first of all, in my house, everyone's tired of my shtick.

[181] Like my kids and my wife have really had it.

[182] They've been sick of it for a while.

[183] And I, you know, can you blame them?

[184] You have to understand why, right?

[185] Come on.

[186] You've, you hear you.

[187] Devastating.

[188] That was a devastating...

[189] You hear you.

[190] Didn't I just...

[191] It's the best condemnation I've ever heard.

[192] Sometimes when my kids say like, oh my God, you've got to shut up, I'll say to them, how do you think I feel I'm in here?

[193] Yeah.

[194] And I gesture to myself.

[195] And they get really confused like, but wait, you're you.

[196] And I go, I know, I'm trapped in me. Yeah.

[197] Well, we can't waste any time.

[198] We've got such a great guest today.

[199] We can't.

[200] say that every time I say, we can't waste time.

[201] We've got fish to fry, and we really do have some top bass on the griddle today.

[202] No sense.

[203] Stupid analogy, awful.

[204] My guest today was, of course, a cast member on Sarnat Live for 11 seasons.

[205] He also created and started the hit IFC series Portlandia and voices Elliot on the Netflix series Big Mouth.

[206] I've known this gentleman for a very long time.

[207] I'm thrilled he is with us today.

[208] Fred Armisen.

[209] Welcome, Fred.

[210] Fred, you're a strange fellow.

[211] I do love you.

[212] I really do.

[213] And I'm happy that you feel productive.

[214] The feeling is mutual.

[215] About being my friend.

[216] But we have a lot to talk about.

[217] You are a hard nut to crack.

[218] I've known you since you came on my show in 2000.

[219] The year 2000, you came on my show as a stand -up.

[220] It is, this is going to sound like an exaggeration.

[221] It is a very vivid memory.

[222] And it was the first time I was ever on.

[223] on network TV.

[224] The feeling I had was, oh, my God, I love this.

[225] I remember the camera, the red light being on and everything, and you were so nice to me. I hope I was nice to you.

[226] Oh, my God, you were so nice.

[227] Oh, good.

[228] That was my introduction to TV, so thank you.

[229] And then did you notice that after me, like, people, like, no one else was as nice as me after that?

[230] Like, afterwards, other people were very, well, I just think the business is filled with cruel, arbitrary maniacs.

[231] And I feel bad, Fred, that I gave you.

[232] a false read on what show business is like.

[233] In the moment, I thought, maybe it's not always going to be like this, and it wasn't.

[234] You did stand -up, unlike everything else you do, it was really original.

[235] You didn't just come out and do jokes.

[236] You pretended to be a self -defense, I think, instructor.

[237] Yes, a self -defense expert.

[238] So I was very happy to meet you, and then, of course, you started gaining all this fame on Saturday Night Live, and I don't know how I feel about this, but there's a couple of people in my life who I've, I never have real conversations with.

[239] I only do bits with them.

[240] And I mean only that I've never had a real interaction with them.

[241] And you were one of those people who for years, when I was doing the late night show, you'd see me in the hallway or something, and you'd be walking along, wearing, like, very nicely dressed, wearing your beautiful, dark, rimmed glasses.

[242] And you would say, hello, Conan.

[243] And I would grab you and push you up against the wall.

[244] and say, why are you Lauren's clown?

[245] You're just a clown.

[246] There's no real you.

[247] You're just a clown for Lauren Michaels.

[248] And I realized, I mean, I was, I don't know why I did that bit, but I just would do it over and over again.

[249] And you would always play along.

[250] And I realized, I think, easily 15 years went by.

[251] I don't think we had, what was going on with those interactions?

[252] I loved those interactions because the idea of a clown in a building full of comedians.

[253] Yes, yes.

[254] So, such a strange concept that I'm like, everyone's a clown, but you're like, you're, you're not a clown.

[255] Yeah, I used to say there's so much more to you.

[256] I can see it in there.

[257] But instead, you're choosing to be Lawrence puppet, Lawrence Clown.

[258] And I'd be looking right into your eyes and sort of grabbing you by the shoulders, like trying to shake sense into you.

[259] Oh, I loved it.

[260] Well, I hope so, because you could have charged me with some kind of crime.

[261] And one of the things I notice with you is that you're, you're able to shape shift and become different people.

[262] It's a real talent, but also it can probably lead people around you to somewhat think, well, wait, who's the real Fred?

[263] I mean, I do feel like doing bits in the hallway or wherever we were at Rockefeller Center is like you still make some kind of a bond, just being, I don't know, there's something in it that like becomes friendly, where it's not, didn't feel like just a bit.

[264] I think later we've had some real interactions and conversations and stuff.

[265] And I've been to your house, which is really nice.

[266] Well, you snuck in, to be fair.

[267] I'm not bragging, by the way.

[268] You got past my security system.

[269] Yes.

[270] I remember I was signing for a package when I realized that the UPS guy was you.

[271] And then you just walked right on in wearing the brown outfit.

[272] And you made yourself a flon.

[273] I've never seen someone make themselves a flaunt.

[274] Very quickly.

[275] Yeah.

[276] I don't know.

[277] I can't tell because I'm not another person dealing with me. So I, you know, I feel like, in my mind, I'm like, I feel like I'm being pretty genuine and normal, but who knows?

[278] I thought, oh, he's very much like Peter Sellers in that you are such a funny performer, and then sometimes you get very quiet.

[279] I always would hear that Peter Sellers would be at a party and sometimes he'd be very quiet.

[280] and people would think, well, why isn't Peter Sellers, who's known for famous for playing, Inspector Clouseau, why isn't he doing all these crazy bits in the middle of the room?

[281] And, of course, that's not what he was.

[282] He was this person who could become that when the moment called for it.

[283] And I thought, oh, yeah, he seems, I think Fred is kind of like a Peter Sellers type, which is a compliment, a huge compliment, by the way.

[284] Oh, I'll take it as a compliment.

[285] And then I later heard that I was reading an interview in Bob Odenkirk.

[286] He said the same thing.

[287] and he hadn't even heard me say it.

[288] He just was, that was his observation.

[289] So I don't know if you must, you must get that sometimes, that you bear some resemblance to him in sort of, and, and except that, I think Bob was very careful to say because Peter Sowers was notoriously difficult.

[290] He was saying, you're like Peter Sellers, except a really nice guy, which is true.

[291] I mean, it's a really nice thing to hear.

[292] I idolize Peter Sellers a lot.

[293] Even the more I find out about him, you know, he was like a drummer originally.

[294] they marketed him as like, that was his original vocation, was like a young British drummer.

[295] But it's really, hey, it's a nice thing to say.

[296] But let's stick on that theme for a second because I feel like drumming is core to who you are.

[297] Absolutely.

[298] I approach everything as a drummer.

[299] It could be like a pretentious thing to say, but I really do.

[300] It's just I've been drumming for so long that going up to do, stand up, going up to be in a sketch, I always feel like a drummer first, just because I've been doing it for so long and I was in a band for so long before I was doing comedy.

[301] It's comforting.

[302] It's comfortable.

[303] It's a comfortable place to be to be like, okay, this is like going on stage and playing drums.

[304] The role of a drummer in a band I really like, I'll take mine off too.

[305] I'm getting warm.

[306] Yeah, I just took off my, I'm so excited talking to you, Fred, that my body temperature has gone up like 10 degrees because we started talking.

[307] And it transferred.

[308] Yeah, and so I, I just took off, I had this like little wool vest on and I just took it off and now Fred's taking his clothes off.

[309] So far this is going very well.

[310] It's going great.

[311] We're in sync.

[312] I know Johnny Carson was obsessed with drums and he was a very good sort of big band drummer and had a drum set.

[313] And you can tell because his rhythm and timing was so impeccable.

[314] And I think there's got to be a connection there between the way you play comedy and you plugging into some sort of internal rhythm that comes to you through the drums or one comes from the other but you don't know where it starts yeah when you're a drummer you're sort of relying on other musicians you know you can't just it can't just be a drummer so i think there's something in there too where like uh you feel like people can lean on you and then you can there's other people are sort of the the center of the show but as far as like you as a musician i can tell that you've got a very different relationship than a lot of people with your instrument.

[315] Because I could tell you get real serious.

[316] You get real serious.

[317] You get real serious.

[318] It's not like a goof.

[319] Like, hey, I play a little guitar.

[320] And I remember this one video of you picking up George Harrison's telecaster.

[321] Yeah.

[322] And there's something about that, that it's not like, you weren't even starstruck like, oh my God, I can't believe this is a beetle guitar.

[323] You were like in that guitar.

[324] You were in it.

[325] You were like, because it was really heavy.

[326] I remember you were like, wow, this really weighs a lot, but you did not, you kind of also weren't doing any bits.

[327] You kind of were like lost in this heavy guitar.

[328] And we all know like the significance of it, you know, from it being on let it be and stuff.

[329] But like, I know exactly what you're talking about it was Danny Harrison.

[330] He had all of George Harrison's guitars.

[331] And I had told myself before I shop this thing, I'm not going to try and play it because that's disrespectful, who am I to even touch one of George Harrison's guitars?

[332] But I picked it up.

[333] And then I just thought, suddenly it was just a guitar.

[334] And I wanted to try and play something on it that sounded halfway decent.

[335] Then afterwards was retroactively embarrassed.

[336] Well, because I thought, who are you to play that?

[337] And I can't believe you just played that and started acting like it was just any guitar.

[338] And then there was part of me that was saying it is a guitar.

[339] And I do think George Harrison or had he been around, well, he probably would have said, let go on my fucking guitar.

[340] But, and who are you?

[341] Get to the fuck out of here.

[342] But yeah, it's funny how we both geek out about instruments.

[343] I remember you came to my house once because we were going to do something for a charity event together.

[344] And you sat at my kitchen counter.

[345] Yeah.

[346] And we said, do you want something to eat?

[347] And you went, oh, that would be very nice.

[348] I would like that, yes.

[349] And so my wife put out some, food for you and you were like, oh, Liza, this is really good.

[350] And you were sort of sitting like a kid.

[351] That's a pretty good impression.

[352] You were like a kid.

[353] It was like the paper boy skinned his knee in front.

[354] We said, come on in, Billy.

[355] We'll clean up that wound.

[356] And you want a sandwich?

[357] Oh, yeah, I sure would.

[358] And you were just sitting there going, oh, this is very good.

[359] This is very good.

[360] Well, thank you so much.

[361] And then you're like, it's because of your stools, because you've got these stools that make everyone, turns everyone into a child.

[362] Yes.

[363] They're so tall that you're sort of like your legs are dangling, and it just...

[364] I should tell people, yes, I have 60 -foot -high stools in my house just to humiliate people.

[365] So no matter who comes in, you know, Clint Eastwood can come by for sandwich, as he often does, and he gets in this stool, and suddenly his...

[366] You're no longer intimidated, because it's Clint Eastwood with his feet dangling, and sometimes I keep baby booties around, and sometimes I'll just quickly put baby booties on them, and then suddenly I'm not intimidated by them anymore.

[367] He's a little cutie then.

[368] Yeah, he's a little cutie pie.

[369] I'm like, oh, Clintie Winty wants his pumpkin pie.

[370] And he's like, you shut the fuck up.

[371] I'll fucking kill you.

[372] And I go, ooh, Tuffy Wuffy, Clintie Winty.

[373] And then he just beats me, beats me with a stick.

[374] Fred, maybe, you know, there's so much to talk about, but I saw you do something that my kids are obsessed with where it was the history of punk, I think, this documentary that you did?

[375] Do you remember this?

[376] And it was such a funny idea where you're part of this amazing punk band and you did this with Bill Hader.

[377] But then your character is an amazing punk singer -songwriter who's incredible, but one flaw is that you're very pro -Thatcher.

[378] Yes.

[379] And what I love is that I had seen it before and then kind of forgot about it.

[380] And then my kids who are 15 and 17 were like, oh my God, you've got to see this.

[381] It's the funniest thing in the world.

[382] And they know all about Thatcher because Thatcher was explained in this season of the Crown, like, you know, her policies and how that was very unpopular with artists and the fact that a British punk rocker from the late 70s and you were very, very, very, your songs would go really in depth about her policies and how they were really helping and you got to give it time.

[383] And I thought, that's one of the funniest comedy ideas.

[384] I just love that.

[385] One of the most, I mean, really the most uncool thing you could do in the late 70s in London is to be pro Thatcher.

[386] So, you know, or a punk, and to be part of the punk scene.

[387] So, yeah, I mean, we also just wanted any excuse to be a punk band from then, you know, and to, you know, get that TV quality, you know, like that video quality they had back then.

[388] So we just wanted an excuse to do it.

[389] Well, you and Bill Hader clearly just play off each other so well.

[390] You like to play with other people.

[391] And I mean comedically, you like to play with other people.

[392] And I can see it with you and Bill.

[393] I can see it in Portlandia.

[394] It's like the same thing.

[395] Like you like to find out the other person's rhythm and then play off that rhythm.

[396] And it's similar also to, I'm sorry to bring it back to this, but to being in a band.

[397] It's the same kind of thing where you're like, I know, I like playing with certain people.

[398] I'm like, why don't we just keep going and, you know, turn this into something.

[399] It's fun to do this with people.

[400] Yeah, and then you get to be a part of something.

[401] So if someone else does something great, later on, you get to think, oh, hey, I was a part of that.

[402] I was there, you know, so that's the kind of fun of it, too.

[403] Yeah.

[404] So I'm in agreement with you.

[405] Yes, yes.

[406] You didn't elevate what I said.

[407] You just checked it.

[408] You just said, check.

[409] But that's a version of elevating something.

[410] Checking something and moving it forward, that's part of what elevation is.

[411] It doesn't have to be at another level.

[412] it's just a platform that just keeps going.

[413] I totally disagree.

[414] I completely disagree.

[415] All you did was check.

[416] What if you and I were in an improv group together and we were an improv team and all you did was I'd say, well, I sure like this candy store.

[417] They have every kind of candy.

[418] And here comes the proprietor.

[419] Nice candy store proprietor.

[420] And you said, that's correct.

[421] So you're not looking at linear time.

[422] The sketch got extended.

[423] It kept going.

[424] The audience was there to watch it keep going.

[425] You know, if this was a car race, if this was NASCAR, it can't go uphill the whole time.

[426] It has to be on a plane so that people can watch the cars go around.

[427] I've told you this.

[428] And you agreed with me at some point, and for some reason you're back to this thing of it having to be elevated.

[429] It does not have to be elevated.

[430] The sketch must be elevated.

[431] And your theories, I think, are insane.

[432] Your comedy theories are dangerous, and if they're allowed to spread, it will destroy comedy.

[433] your idea that someone in a comedy team or part of a duo can just say yes, correct, check I have, you may proceed.

[434] That's madness, pure madness.

[435] That might be the most dangerous.

[436] Are you done?

[437] How dare you?

[438] Even speak to me. Let's look at classic comedy.

[439] Let's look at the honeymooners.

[440] Let's look at Gilligan's Island.

[441] Let's look at I Love Lucy.

[442] yeah let's look at my three sons yes yes i'm with you i'm waiting for you to make a point you can't please please agree with me let's let's look at voltaire let's look at an onion let's look at a jar of honey let's look at a bag of popcorn look at them all and you'll see what I'm saying let's no let us not you know here's what I want to get back to you're just you've always been Lauren Michael's clown.

[443] I'm his clown.

[444] You're just a clown.

[445] And you know what?

[446] You need to be shoved up against a wall hard by a tall Irish guy who looks kind of like a woman as he ages.

[447] And I'm going to shove you up against the wall and say, you're just Lauren Michael's clown.

[448] Look at you.

[449] Look at you.

[450] Just a clown.

[451] Is that what you're content to be because you could be so much...

[452] Oh, just remembering right now, another thing I used to say to you is the reason I'm so tough on you, Fred, is I know you're capable of so much more.

[453] Yeah.

[454] That was one of the things I would always say to you.

[455] What I liked about it is it didn't seem like you did it to anybody else.

[456] I didn't.

[457] I don't know why.

[458] I'm honored.

[459] That's an honor.

[460] I know.

[461] I just think maybe there was 15 years there where I could have been talking to you and having a really lovely conversation and finding out things about you.

[462] And instead, I was pursuing this insanity and whatever.

[463] Oh, I remember something.

[464] I remember I saw you by Central Park once.

[465] and we were talking about you were talking about buying property and we discussed Well, this makes me sound like an asshole No, no, no, it was actually really nice Oh, Fred, Fred, Fred, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[466] Nice to see you.

[467] Sorry I didn't recognize you instantly But I'm thinking of buying several islands in Greece Well, that's a great picture of Conan O 'Brien.

[468] It was really nice.

[469] It was really nice.

[470] I won't go into it, but we were discussing the Dakota And we were marveling at it.

[471] Yeah, and there were years when I didn't own an apartment in New York City.

[472] And what I would do is I would sublet for a year or two and then move.

[473] And I think I lived in like eight apartments in nine years.

[474] And I mean all over Manhattan.

[475] I just kept moving like a serial killer.

[476] And that's all I'll say.

[477] But I do remember bumping into you and being like, oh, man, wouldn't it be cool to live, you know, in the Dakota?

[478] Wouldn't that be so cool?

[479] They had a no -Irish policy.

[480] Still up there.

[481] That sign is still up there.

[482] No Irish.

[483] Isn't that funny that there was so much animosity towards the Irish?

[484] I can't understand.

[485] That's such a weird concept to me. Yes, it is funny until you meet lots of Irish people.

[486] And let me tell you something, Fred.

[487] Then it all makes sense.

[488] Now, what is your, I know you have a very complicated background, which I think is appropriate because, like, it's, for example, example, where you're born doesn't seem like the place you'd be born in.

[489] I was born in Hattesburg, Mississippi.

[490] Right.

[491] Right.

[492] My parents went to college there, University of Southern Mississippi, and they're immigrants.

[493] My dad from Germany and my mom from Venezuela.

[494] And so that's just where they went to school.

[495] That's where they met.

[496] German, Venezuelan, Mississippi.

[497] It's like, let's take three things that you don't ever associate with each other and put them together.

[498] And then you get Fred Armisen.

[499] Yeah.

[500] It just happened that way.

[501] They really wanted to study here, and that's where they ended up.

[502] Mm -hmm.

[503] I mean, I'm glad.

[504] I'm glad I'm alive.

[505] I'm glad they found each other.

[506] Oh, so you're saying that you're glad that you were formed.

[507] Yeah.

[508] Huh.

[509] Well, let's agree to disagree, Fred.

[510] I'm not, you know, I didn't say I was elated that I was formed.

[511] I'm glad that I was formed.

[512] I'm glad that I was formed.

[513] I think you and I were in Chicago at the same time because I did a very little -known kooky stage show with Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk.

[514] It was during the writer's strike and it was 1988 and we came to Chicago.

[515] I got to Chicago in around 88, 89.

[516] Yeah, I think you got there.

[517] And we didn't know each other.

[518] No. But what I remember is they shut down the streets every 10 minutes to have some kind of fest, like jazz fest or a blues fest.

[519] And what they do is it's just an excuse to eat massive amounts of sausage and drink beer in the street.

[520] And any time, because a lot of the streets on the north side are one way, I'd be trying to get to the theater and I'd be driving in my crappy 1973 Plymouth Valiant.

[521] And a policeman would go like, yeah, you can't go down diversity.

[522] I'd be like, why not?

[523] We're having the fest fest.

[524] It's a fest celebrating.

[525] and I'd say, okay, and he'd be holding two sausages, and I'd be like, all right, and then I'd try to go down another street and they'd go like, this is one way, buddy, what don't, you know, you got to, no, that street's closed.

[526] And I'm trying to, yeah, we're having a fest fest here.

[527] My memory of a Chicago police officer is exactly that.

[528] That voice that you're doing, I got yelled at for double parking.

[529] And he just rolled up, rolled down his window and said, you think you're fucking special?

[530] You should have said, yes.

[531] My father is German.

[532] My mother is Venezuelan, and I was born in Mississippi.

[533] That makes me pretty special.

[534] All right, get out of the car.

[535] I'm going to tune you up, pal.

[536] The anger, the anger directed at me. You know, Bob Odenkirk saved my life because I had parked, we had a little driveway next to, like an alleyway that we were allowed to park in.

[537] And it was right near Wrigley Field.

[538] And I parked my 73, Plymouth Valiant, which was mustard yellow.

[539] It's like a car from Dragnet, from the TV show Dragnet.

[540] It's like a police car that policemen in the early 70s drove around in.

[541] It was pretty lame.

[542] I parked it in the alley and this cop came up while I was getting out of it.

[543] And he was like, I can't park here.

[544] I'm going to have to write you up.

[545] And I was like, no, no, I live here.

[546] I live here.

[547] And the guy started to say, no, no, but he started writing me up a ticket, and I started, I never, I don't get mad at the police.

[548] I started to get really mad because this was just incorrect and wrong.

[549] So I started to say like, no, no, no, hey listen, hey listen.

[550] And Bob put his, uh, started to get near me because Bob was from Naperville.

[551] And so he was, he knew like, don't talk back to Chicago cop.

[552] Yeah, yeah.

[553] And the guy looked at my license plate and saw, said New York on it, because I had driven from New York, because I was a writer at Sound Out Live.

[554] And he looked at me and as he was, as he was right, as he was handing me the ticket, he looked at me and said, why don't you just go on back to New York?

[555] And I started to get really mad.

[556] And I started to get, like, I almost, I like stepped towards the cop.

[557] And I was like, go back to New York, you know, do you know that?

[558] And Bob put his hand on my chest and looked at the guy and said, he gets it, officer, we're good, we're good.

[559] And he led me away.

[560] And was like, you don't, you don't do that, Conan.

[561] You don't?

[562] And I was like, I later realized that, yes, Bob was absolutely.

[563] right.

[564] He probably, I'd be in jail right now in Chicago.

[565] Wait, why were you in Chicago?

[566] So you...

[567] There was a writer's strike in 1988, and I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.

[568] And so Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk said, hey, let's go to Chicago.

[569] We know some really good performers there.

[570] And we could just, instead of just sitting around on our asses during this writer strike, there's nothing to do.

[571] Let's go to Chicago where they had some connections and let's do a little show and we can perform sketches that we never got on Star -Out Live because they were too weird.

[572] And so we did that.

[573] And it was really fun.

[574] I mean, it really solidified my get -up -in -front -of -people bug.

[575] Bob is great.

[576] Bob is a real.

[577] He makes things happen.

[578] He does.

[579] He's a force.

[580] of course, Jerry Lewis, and half his face is painted like the clown and the other half is sad, you know, which is pretty mockish and inexcusable.

[581] But that was the, and so Bob, it's one of my favorite titles ever for a one -man show.

[582] It was Bob with half his face made up and the other looking sad.

[583] And the title of the show was, half my face is a clown.

[584] And then Bob did this one -man show That was absolutely hilarious And I remember he just made this happen So anyway, yeah I hate talking about how talented And funny other people are All right, no, it's you, it was all you You inspired him Hey, thank you Fred And you elevated his show Just by being there Just by being there I think I elevated it I would often just say That's right Bob from the audience.

[585] Oh, buddy.

[586] That was my Bob.

[587] You know, your Andy is really good.

[588] Your Andy impression, once in a while you do him and you sound like him.

[589] Everybody.

[590] No, I always do, just to make it, just to be, we're very dickish with each other all the time.

[591] But in a loving way, I think at least it is on my part.

[592] He's always telling me you're a sociopath and a freak.

[593] And I think, That's a great riff.

[594] Good one, Andy.

[595] Andy Ricker will come in the room and I'll just in front of everybody saying like, Hey, I'm Andy Rector and I'm stupid.

[596] And then, of course, he'll let loose on me for 20 minutes.

[597] So that's the basis of our relationship.

[598] Good.

[599] That's healthy.

[600] I do all kinds of impressions, you know.

[601] I mean, just throw anyone at me and I can do an impression of them.

[602] Oh, okay.

[603] Let's see.

[604] How about Biden?

[605] Can you do Biden?

[606] Hello, governor.

[607] I was the voice president and I'm a big president.

[608] That's like a recording of Biden.

[609] That's great.

[610] Close your eyes.

[611] Close your eyes and tell me who I'm doing.

[612] I can see.

[613] Here you go.

[614] His eyes are closed and here we go.

[615] Hello.

[616] I was voice president.

[617] January 20th.

[618] Oh, boy president.

[619] Who is it?

[620] That was a recording of Biden.

[621] Yes!

[622] That's an actual recording of a speech he gave to Parliament a week ago.

[623] Yes, he flew over there to tell Parliament to reassure them that he would be the next president.

[624] To reassure them?

[625] Well, you know, people are worried.

[626] Will Trump really stepped down?

[627] When something crazy happens and he went over there and he went and he went and he did that voice to convince them that's all going to be okay.

[628] It worked.

[629] Yeah.

[630] How are you surviving this pandemic?

[631] Fred, I mean, you're a guy who needs a crowd to feel validated.

[632] to feel alive, and look at you.

[633] It's been so far okay.

[634] I mean, I've gotten to do work stuff.

[635] I mean, get to play music.

[636] I'm not happy that it's a pandemic, but, you know.

[637] Did you say you're happy?

[638] It's a pandemic or not happy?

[639] I couldn't.

[640] Oh, you're not happy.

[641] Yeah.

[642] So how about you?

[643] What about me?

[644] What do you want to know?

[645] You're bringing, what are you doing right now?

[646] You just, you can't stop my podcast and just say, how about you?

[647] It's not stopping.

[648] I haven't stopped the podcast.

[649] You just stopped it cold.

[650] No. It's a part of the podcast.

[651] It's a part of it.

[652] Hey, what about you?

[653] Silence.

[654] I like the silent.

[655] The silence part of it is it says a lot.

[656] What about you?

[657] And we just leave it there.

[658] People can picture your face.

[659] They can imagine, you know, what are you thinking about?

[660] Also, I suppose you already answered it.

[661] You had already answered that you haven't been sick.

[662] So it sounds like you're doing well.

[663] My heart is now beating, I think it's two beats a minute now since you did what you did and stopped this podcast cold.

[664] No, we started a new podcast.

[665] I think that moment was a different podcast.

[666] Welcome to Quiet Time with Fred Armisen and Conan O 'Brien.

[667] Aren't you proud of how much I got together with technology?

[668] I've got my laptop.

[669] up here.

[670] I've got my microphone.

[671] There were many things that were asked of me, which I don't mind doing, but I...

[672] Can I...

[673] I'm going to pay you a compliment.

[674] Because of the pandemic, we are doing this remotely.

[675] I don't know exactly where you are.

[676] I think you're in Havana.

[677] I'm in Havana.

[678] But you're in a lovely music space.

[679] There's some drums behind you.

[680] I can see.

[681] And this is the compliment and I will pay you.

[682] We always, our tech people always have to get on the line with whoever we're dealing with for the Zoom and for the audio hookup.

[683] And they have to spend about 15 minutes getting them all straightened out on how to do it and saying, no, okay, now Mr. Danson, press this button, now press that button, now drag that over here.

[684] And I'm not signaling out or singling out Ted Dancing to be cruel.

[685] He just, he had a lot of trouble.

[686] And they have to do this with me every single time.

[687] They have to do it with, in fact, we were doing it just before I talked to you, and I think you got to hear some of it, where it's like they're talking to a chimp that's in outer space and they're trying to get it, bring it back to Earth.

[688] And they're saying, no, no, Bobo, no, Bobo.

[689] Grab the big blue lever and then they just hear my end.

[690] So they have a really hard time talking me through this.

[691] Matt Goreley, testify that this is exactly true.

[692] Yeah, it's like teaching a small mammal to build a nuclear bomb.

[693] It's incredible.

[694] Why is it so complicated, though?

[695] Because I'm just not a tech person.

[696] But so I said to my people today, okay, we probably got to get going with Fred.

[697] We're going to have to give him time to get set up.

[698] And they said, oh, Fred is a whiz at this and he's going to take care of it all himself and he'll be ready to go whenever you're ready.

[699] I didn't realize you were a tech.

[700] I'm not a whiz.

[701] I'm not a whiz at it.

[702] I mean, I was, you know, I wanted some credit for getting it together.

[703] But, uh, that's all you go in the Hall of Fame, Fred, of all the guests that you're up there top five.

[704] I mean, maybe top three even.

[705] Yeah.

[706] I think, you know, I really do think it's a lot of luck because I've also had calls and interviews or Zooms with where I've frozen where something wasn't working or something didn't record.

[707] It's all, this is.

[708] I'm going to tell you.

[709] And this is not just.

[710] blowing smoke up your ass, but about nine months ago, I did a podcast episode.

[711] You can listen to it with the ghost of Steve Jobs.

[712] And he couldn't get online.

[713] He didn't know how to work.

[714] He didn't know how to work a computer.

[715] He had all kinds of trouble, and it took us forever to talk him through it.

[716] So you, by comparison, are fantastic.

[717] I mean, what you did was very impressive.

[718] Thank you.

[719] Yeah.

[720] In fact, you've just been moved up to top two.

[721] You and J .J. Abrams.

[722] Oh, that's right.

[723] Right.

[724] J .J. Abrams was off the charts.

[725] How so?

[726] Well, he was giving us tips.

[727] Yes.

[728] We were trying to walk him through like, okay, open outlook.

[729] Now drag this one over here, and he was like, you know, what you can do is you can go over to the edit window and you can pull down to this bar.

[730] And if you triple click this, you triple click it.

[731] Oh, don't laugh like that's not a real thing.

[732] I'm still on Open Outlook.

[733] That's got me. All right.

[734] Okay.

[735] Let's all laugh at the idiot.

[736] By the way, this is what my son does.

[737] My son, Beckett is 15, and he's really good.

[738] He's very good at computers.

[739] And all he ever does is I say, so wait, so when you click that file, and he goes, excuse me?

[740] And he won't, right away, he'll just smile a little bit and he'll go, excuse me, what?

[741] And I'll say, you know, when you, and he went, what did you say?

[742] And he went, come on Beckett, just how do I?

[743] And he'll go, no, no, just want to hear what you were going to say.

[744] And I'll go, when you click on, and he went, click on it, when you You click, you don't click, and then he'll, Wait, wait, what am I missing?

[745] Yeah, exactly.

[746] I'll say, what do you, well, first of all, that was a bad example, because I think you do click on a file.

[747] Oh, okay.

[748] What I'm saying is, I don't know.

[749] I don't know.

[750] It says, I'm a man, I'm a man from another time.

[751] I write with parchment and quill.

[752] I walk through the fields.

[753] I breathe the air, and I appreciate what God has made, not man. so to be hounded and ridiculed because I'm not a computer fellow, I find to be harsh and unfair.

[754] I leave it to you.

[755] What's my judgment?

[756] Do you want us to apologize?

[757] I don't think I'm that much of a whizze either.

[758] Well, compared to me, whenever I try and do anything on the computer or on Zoom, within five minutes, there's peanut butter all over my face and I'm crying and I don't even have access to peanut butter and Sona's always there saying, what did you do?

[759] Sona, come to my defense.

[760] Tell them I'm really...

[761] What, to your defense?

[762] Yeah, no. Tell them I'm a real computer man. He's a real computer man. What is that?

[763] Even when you're trying to fake it, it's just, there's no way it's believable.

[764] Well, Fred, when I'm trying to get to it's you seem to be good at very many things.

[765] You are a musician, comedian, writer, a producer, you do voiceover.

[766] I have been told by a little bird that you don't like to go to the beach, that you hate the beach.

[767] I hate it.

[768] Not only do I hate the beach, I feel like for my whole life I've been dragged to the beach by family members, just like my life is people saying, this time it's going to be great.

[769] And every time I go, it's just there's too much.

[770] sand.

[771] The power of the water is too much for me. I don't understand the waves.

[772] I don't like that there are so many animals in the water.

[773] I don't like the sun.

[774] I don't like the parking lot, the walk over, carrying stuff that's full of sand, the exhaustion driving back to the house.

[775] I really am not a fan of the beach.

[776] I've never had a good time at the beach.

[777] Yeah.

[778] I heard that you were, that you were really didn't like the beach.

[779] And I bring it up because I relate.

[780] I am not built for the beach.

[781] And it goes back to my childhood in the early 70s before the invention of sunscreen when my parents would take all six kids to the beach.

[782] And I have, I'm completely, I have no natural sun protection.

[783] I have a few freckles and red hair.

[784] And they'd take me to the beach, and there was no sunscreen that worked back then because, you know, there was nothing that really worked.

[785] so my mom would put a white Haines T -shirt on me and say, this will protect you, short sleeve, and I'd go in the water with a white Haines T -shirt, which is a really sexy look, by the way.

[786] And what I later learned is that that magnifies the sun.

[787] And then I would get horrible burns and chills and shivers and my skin would come off in sheets.

[788] the water part I also don't like like there's this you know hey let's go into the water and it's always first of all it's scary before you go and hey watch out there's a riptide or whatever it is and you go in and when you're in the water you start getting pulled and everyone thinks it's funny what part of that am i supposed to enjoy being dragged around and it's a it's a risk to your life what is the fun in that well first of all it sounds like you're going out in very dangerous waters no no no one anybody No, no, that's not true.

[789] Not everyone has the experience of the minute you set foot in water, you're being torn asunder by forces you can't understand.

[790] I don't think anyone here would agree with that.

[791] That is not, that's you going in maybe yes during a, you know, class six hurricane, but no. No, I would disagree with you that people wouldn't agree with me. I think people would find the same experience.

[792] We're talking about childhood.

[793] So maybe to me, when I was, you know, five and six, Yeah, to me, it must have been like a hurricane.

[794] But wait, let me ask you something.

[795] Let me finish.

[796] You're not looking at the entirety of someone's life and their experience with the ocean.

[797] Now, if I exaggerated the feeling, okay, it still is a feeling that existed at some point.

[798] I don't.

[799] I rest my case.

[800] No, I don't validate your feeling.

[801] I think it's a false memory.

[802] The most interesting part of what you said is that you said I was being pulled underwater and everyone was laughing.

[803] That's the part as your therapist that I want to close in on.

[804] Who's laughing at you, Fred?

[805] You're drowning.

[806] Why are they laughing?

[807] I don't think, you know, let me clarify.

[808] They're not laughing at me. I think that when people are out in the ocean, they always seem to be laughing.

[809] They're just like goofing around and laughing like, this is fun.

[810] That was my observation, Mr. O 'Brien.

[811] Not that they were laughing at.

[812] Excuse me. It's Dr. O 'Brien.

[813] Dr. O 'Brien.

[814] Well, I've talked to you now.

[815] for a good long time, and I deem you insane.

[816] I think you're very troubled.

[817] I look into your eyes, and I see a man who's still desperately trying to be Lauren Michael's clown.

[818] You've never found the real you.

[819] And you still haven't found the real you.

[820] What do you think?

[821] I think that the way that you're reflecting that is that it is, in fact, you, that there is no me. Maybe you're talking about a reflection.

[822] Oh, my God.

[823] You know, we're both have our glasses on.

[824] It's true.

[825] Maybe I don't exist in that realm.

[826] Maybe it's...

[827] Maybe I've been talking about me the whole time.

[828] Yeah, Conan, Fred never even got on the Zoom call.

[829] Fred was never here, was he?

[830] No. He failed to, because he's not good at tech, and he couldn't log on.

[831] And this whole time, I've been talking to myself.

[832] You're in comedy, but you love music.

[833] That's me. Yeah.

[834] You're Lauren Michael's clown.

[835] That was always me. You're German and Venezuelan.

[836] You're German in Venezuelan.

[837] That's me. Yeah.

[838] This has always been me. I don't like the beach.

[839] That's me. It's you.

[840] And it's me. Think of the name.

[841] It's an anagram.

[842] What?

[843] What?

[844] I think of the name.

[845] It's a man. It's made up.

[846] Conan, Armisen, Kred, Kono.

[847] It's, it was a joke.

[848] in the name.

[849] There was this insane.

[850] Anyone listening to this right now is their mind's been blown because what they're listening to is about them.

[851] Not about either of us because we don't exist.

[852] That's all it is.

[853] That's all it ever was.

[854] We were always back home in Kansas.

[855] There was no Oz.

[856] There was no Fred.

[857] There was no Conan.

[858] It was just you.

[859] He was the listener.

[860] There's no cops?

[861] Think about that.

[862] There've never been cops.

[863] in Chicago ever.

[864] Think about it.

[865] Think about it.

[866] This is incredible, man. I'm so glad we did mushrooms before we spoke.

[867] I'm so glad.

[868] I wasn't sure we should do this, but you insisted, and I got your FedEx package, and I just chomped him down.

[869] You know what I felt bad about saying that I've been to your house?

[870] I was like, am I disclosing something?

[871] Like, people don't want to know that.

[872] No, no, people are allowed to know that I live in a house.

[873] That's fine.

[874] You didn't disclose anything.

[875] I think the pair that was creepy is, I'm walking through the park one day when I see Conan, who starts babbling about real estate.

[876] I'm listening and I'm like, that guy's an asshole.

[877] Land, Fred.

[878] You must consolidate land.

[879] And Fred, if people are squatting on that land or making their living on that land, you must evict them so that you can amass more land.

[880] That's the picture of Conan O 'Brien you painted.

[881] I'm sorry.

[882] Well, whatever.

[883] Fred, I will say it.

[884] You are a delightful person to talk to.

[885] You make so much funny stuff that makes me really happy.

[886] And I'm glad that you were born.

[887] I will say that.

[888] I know we brought that up earlier.

[889] I was kind of 50 -50 on you being born, but now I'm definitely 70 -30.

[890] Well, thank you.

[891] 70 -30 that I'm glad you're born.

[892] 30 % wishing never had been.

[893] The feeling is mutual.

[894] Maybe I'm 60 -40 with you.

[895] Who can say?

[896] No, Fred, I really, uh, delightful and I can't wait to have you in my house again soon, and you can sit on a really tall stool, your feet dangling, and I'll make you, uh, you know, peanut butter and honey sandwich.

[897] And I'll say, thank you.

[898] Thank you.

[899] Thank you so much.

[900] Thank you.

[901] Thank you.

[902] Thank you.

[903] Oh, what a great.

[904] Oh, thank you, Liza.

[905] Oh, well, that's, oh, look, this table holds things.

[906] Oh, that's cool.

[907] Oh, look.

[908] Look, this stool supports me. Yes, that's nice.

[909] Fred Armisen, God bless you, sir.

[910] God bless you.

[911] All right, let's do some review the reviewers.

[912] We haven't done that in a while, and I've got a good one here.

[913] Okay, by a good one, I hope you mean a positive review.

[914] Yeah, generally, it's from Nat's Insider.

[915] It's five stars.

[916] Well, sometimes if I were an assassin, if I really wanted to take Conan down, and I'm talking about myself in the third person, I would give myself five stars so that then the review would be red.

[917] Oh, yeah.

[918] You see what I'm saying?

[919] No, I think you're safe here.

[920] It's just an issue that's come up.

[921] The title of the review is shirt.

[922] Huh.

[923] Okay.

[924] It goes like this.

[925] Hi, Matt, Sona, and Conan.

[926] Huh, top billing.

[927] The show is awesome.

[928] However, there is a problem with the merch.

[929] I bought a Conan O 'Brien needs a friend T -shirt a while ago.

[930] It has orange lettering on the top and gray lettering on the bottom.

[931] The problem area is the microphone in the middle.

[932] I have been told on multiple occasions that the microphone, in fact, looks like a phallic shape from far away.

[933] What should I do if people say I'm walking around with a penis on my shirt?

[934] Well, we didn't have an actual microphone to use as a rendering, you know?

[935] No, no, no, no. So we were forced, and this is something I'm not thrilled about.

[936] I'm a celebrity, so it couldn't have been me. But our engineer Will Bechton volunteered.

[937] Ah, Will.

[938] And so what we did is we drew his penis, which is very microphone shape.

[939] And he was called in his single days, ladies raved about, I just had a great date with the mic.

[940] How do you think you got into this business?

[941] And I went on Mike last night.

[942] And, you know, all those kind of puns, hot mic, all that kind of stuff.

[943] And so we did that and then just cleaned it up a little bit.

[944] But yeah, it's his penis.

[945] Oh.

[946] No, I don't know what to say to that.

[947] I don't have that much control over the merch.

[948] I found a photo of it.

[949] Let me see.

[950] Oh.

[951] Does it look like a penis?

[952] Yep.

[953] I see it.

[954] From far away, yeah.

[955] Yeah, but it doesn't look like a penis.

[956] It's not bent to the side.

[957] It's not.

[958] Oh, whoa.

[959] Asymmetrical.

[960] It doesn't have weird sores.

[961] Oh, come on.

[962] How is that a penis?

[963] It doesn't have a strange odor.

[964] It doesn't, this is not a penis.

[965] It doesn't confound urologists worldwide.

[966] It doesn't cause women when you're single to say, I can't do this.

[967] You seem ill. This is in no way, is this a penis?

[968] I could do this joke for so long, and I know that I've gone longer than you thought I would, but I'm going to keep going.

[969] There's no way this looks like a penis.

[970] It isn't a source of worldwide derision.

[971] It's not listed as a medical malady in the New England Journal of Medicine and Lancet magazine.

[972] It doesn't need to be soaked every night in a series of creams, bombs, and ointments just to keep it barely functioning and I mean barely, how is this a penis?

[973] And it's erect.

[974] Penises don't do that.

[975] Conan's self -deprecating riff went on for 95 minutes.

[976] You had to download the podcast in two parts.

[977] Look, I'm sorry.

[978] I did not, I mean, I feel bad because I should be, you know, I should be all over it, right?

[979] I should know.

[980] Not really.

[981] I didn't even know either.

[982] Yeah, why should you be all over merch?

[983] I think one of the things that would fix this is, is if they put a little bit of texture on the top of the mic to give it the look of a screen.

[984] You know what I mean?

[985] Little dots.

[986] Two reel -to -reel tape spools at the bottom.

[987] Yes.

[988] Yes.

[989] Real -to -reel tape spools at the bottom and some sort of, I don't know, way that the tip of the mic can receive the sound, some kind of a slit or something that allows the sound to go, in, you know?

[990] And to show you that the mic has been well maintained, maybe a little oil spurting out of it.

[991] These are just my suggestions.

[992] Yes, from the top.

[993] Yeah, Nat's insider, we recommend you take a Sharpie to this thing and fix it.

[994] Yeah, fix it based on my specific, Matt and my specific instructions, and you'll have no more penis talk.

[995] Call us from jail.

[996] Man!

[997] I'm so glad my parents don't listen to this.

[998] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[999] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1000] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1001] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1002] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1003] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Sample.

[1004] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1005] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1006] Got a question for Conan?

[1007] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1008] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1009] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1010] This has been a Team Cocoa.

[1011] production in association with Ewol.