Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit teamcoco .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hey, hey there, Jonathan.
[5] I see my friends.
[6] Meet Conan, Sona.
[7] Hi, how are you?
[8] Jonathan, how are you doing?
[9] I'm doing very well.
[10] I'm doing very well.
[11] I can be better right now.
[12] Well, that's not true.
[13] You could be better.
[14] We could all be better.
[15] We could all improve every day in every way.
[16] Jonathan, tell me about you.
[17] Where are you calling in from?
[18] I'm in Angleton, Texas right now.
[19] You're in Texas, okay?
[20] Yeah.
[21] Is that where you were, is that where you were born?
[22] Where were you born?
[23] I was born in Puerto Rico, San Juan, Puerto Rico.
[24] Oh, San Juan, beautiful.
[25] Yes, love it there.
[26] It's gorgeous.
[27] And you're talking to us, and I'm just curious what your profession is.
[28] What do you do for a living?
[29] I'm a small animal veterinarian.
[30] Aw.
[31] Whoa.
[32] Yeah.
[33] Yeah.
[34] Well, wait a minute.
[35] I thought there was just you were a veterinarian or not a veterinarian.
[36] I didn't realize that there were veterinarians that only specialized in small animals.
[37] I mean, do you work on, like, does someone ever bring in an insect and say?
[38] That's a tiny animal veteran.
[39] Oh, okay, that's different.
[40] Are there, but so someone's, is someone coming into you and saying this fetal gerbil is, has a cold, anything like that?
[41] Is that how small you go?
[42] Or what's, what is your, what are you mostly dealing with in your job as a small animal veterinarian?
[43] So dogs and cats, but like 99 % puppies.
[44] Oh, that's, that's adorable.
[45] All the time.
[46] Puppies.
[47] Puppies.
[48] Just like that.
[49] That's how I feel all day.
[50] Wait, so your job is literally people bringing you puppies left and right.
[51] That must be, is it, is it joyous or does it not what we think it is?
[52] Do you know what I mean?
[53] There's an old saying that even the ice cream taster at Ben and Jerry's some days is like, ah, I got to go to friggin' work today and taste some ice cream.
[54] That no matter what you do for living, it can get to you.
[55] Is this something that happens to you?
[56] It happens once in a while.
[57] There's always, you know, the parts that are not great.
[58] But most of the time, you can't be angry or mad, man. There's just puppies all around you.
[59] Well, but still, occasionally there's, isn't there occasionally that puppy that's just a prick, you know?
[60] Yeah, yeah.
[61] Yeah, yeah, man. I hear it in the back area right now.
[62] They don't make eye contact.
[63] They don't, you know, they're kind of like, I don't like this guy.
[64] Yeah, yeah.
[65] Are you guys hiring by any chance?
[66] Can I just come and.
[67] Yeah, man, you can be the official hugger.
[68] Yes.
[69] I'm sorry, Conan.
[70] No, it's, hey, Jonathan, trust me, I'm sorry for you.
[71] Because she's all yours and welcome to, some stunning unprofessionalism.
[72] So anyway, so okay, you work on puppies.
[73] Now, I would think the advantage of working on puppies is, A, they're super cute, right?
[74] B, what's wrong with a puppy?
[75] A puppy's in its, you know, it's firing on all cylinders.
[76] You're not looking at old dogs who have a million problems.
[77] You're looking at puppies.
[78] That's got to be the best.
[79] That's a good point.
[80] Medically, there's no problems, but they're the ones pooping in the house.
[81] and peeing and biting everything.
[82] And so there's always something to fix.
[83] Well, first of all, you just described things that I do regularly in the house.
[84] Good for you.
[85] Yeah.
[86] I'm pooping everywhere.
[87] I'm pooping everywhere and I'm biting.
[88] But no, but what you're describing, Jonathan, those aren't things that a vet deals with.
[89] Those are more issues that a trainer would deal with.
[90] but who takes their puppy to the vet and says he's not house trained.
[91] That's all they ask.
[92] That's the first thing they ask.
[93] He's peeing all over.
[94] What do I do?
[95] It's like, well, he's not sick.
[96] You just need to train him.
[97] Yeah, train him.
[98] So, you know, basically, there's always something to solve, but yeah, medically there's no real big issues.
[99] Do you ever do this?
[100] Do they ever come in and say, the puppy's peeing everywhere I don't know what to do?
[101] And you say, train him.
[102] That'll be $350.
[103] Yeah, $600.
[104] was more like it.
[105] Oh, no. Nice.
[106] $600 at now I've trained you not to ask dumb questions.
[107] Jonathan, I want to come work for you too.
[108] This sounds amazing.
[109] Take them outside once in a while.
[110] That'll be $600.
[111] Now get the fuck out of here.
[112] Here's your bill, man. And it's cash.
[113] Only cash.
[114] No, nothing else.
[115] Oh, only cash.
[116] It's so, that's so shamed.
[117] You know what I'd love to do?
[118] You know what I always wish I had done, you know, all these years of working in what I thought was pretty big time show business hosting a major talk show.
[119] I wish I had always said, yeah, cash.
[120] I work in cash.
[121] Someone from the network always had to like bring me cash in a bag, in a brown paper bag before the show that day.
[122] And then I counted it at and went, all right, I'll talk to Patty Lepone.
[123] Why are you only taking cash though is that are you some kind of black market vet or do you heal mafia dogs like when they've been crimes and things like that yeah you know what you do he heals are these puppies in the puppy relocation program and they want to keep things on the down low i may have done that i'm not sure hey i i do have i do have a question that i really has this is a serious question which is you're a vet right but let's say you were with me jonathan and we were i don't know taking a nice walk together maybe in the hills outside in Texas where you live and we were walking on taking a hike uh i would definitely take a hike anywhere even if i saw hills okay i don't care okay forget i said hills you and i are taking a nice brisk hike together jonathan and i'm going somewhere with this and then i have a medical issue i grab my chest i fall down and i'm like help me jonathan help me as a small animal vet is there much you can do for me is there Stuff that carries over, meaning if you know CPR for a puppy, does it still work for me?
[124] Yeah, believe it or not, it's so much, it's very similar.
[125] You know, you're a little bigger than a puppy, so I might need to, like, use more force or, you know, be a little more aggressive.
[126] But the basic anatomy between me and a puppy is kind of similar.
[127] What?
[128] Well, I've been told that.
[129] I've been told that.
[130] The brain certainly.
[131] All right, watch it.
[132] Like, depending how basic, you have to be very, very basic.
[133] But yeah, there's a lot of similarity.
[134] A lot of the medication is the same.
[135] I could probably bring you back.
[136] Yeah, I'm actually on, I go to a vet.
[137] I'm on puppy antidepressants.
[138] I find them to be much more effective.
[139] And I've had people like show me their own rashes and their own like, hey, man, since I'm here anyway, you're so good with my dog.
[140] Can I show you this?
[141] Yeah, that's what I would think.
[142] What?
[143] What are you doing?
[144] Like, no. But Jonathan, if you had to, you could operate on me, right?
[145] You'd get in there and you'd...
[146] Oh, no. Really?
[147] Come on.
[148] You could...
[149] Like, neuter you?
[150] I don't know what kind of operation.
[151] I would know you.
[152] Yes, I would litter you.
[153] Guys, my wife did that a long time ago.
[154] Bada bang, cabadoo!
[155] Lababababah!
[156] Laabada da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da.
[157] Yeah.
[158] I got neutered.
[159] It was the day I got married.
[160] Listen.
[161] Yeah.
[162] Ridiculous.
[163] It's a...
[164] Cheap joke, but I loved every second of it.
[165] No, they were reattached later.
[166] But she did the wrong, she didn't get the placement right.
[167] Anyway, yeah, the left's on the right and the right's on the left.
[168] Oh.
[169] Anyway, um, listen, Jonathan, I love how I just say listen, because you were listening to me, so why did I say listen?
[170] Because you were right there, you were right there listening.
[171] You're making sure.
[172] I'm not thinking about your testicles being.
[173] on the wrong side.
[174] You are now.
[175] You're listening.
[176] You're still thinking about it.
[177] You're still thinking about how my right's on my left and my left's on my right.
[178] It's not.
[179] It kind of still looks the same.
[180] They just face the wrong way.
[181] Wasn't something veered to the left anyway?
[182] Like, does it do?
[183] Oh, man. You've talked about that before.
[184] Yeah, guess what?
[185] Something veering to the left.
[186] Vieres wildly to the left.
[187] Really, it just takes out wildly to, I mean, if you took a turn that sharp in a car, you would fail your driver.
[188] test.
[189] I've got to get to, do you have any, do you have animals yourself?
[190] Yeah, I have a lot of animals.
[191] I have 11 animals total.
[192] Holy meck, were they all former patients?
[193] No, actually, I tried to avoid them being my patient.
[194] Yes.
[195] But it happens sometimes.
[196] I have two horses.
[197] I have a mini horse.
[198] I have two goats.
[199] Wait, is a mini, excuse me, a technical question, Is a mini horse a pony?
[200] No, actually, I learned that recently.
[201] I wasn't a big, large animal person, and a pony is just like, uh -huh.
[202] Is a, is a mini horse technically small enough that you could treat it as a small animal?
[203] Oh, no, not technically.
[204] Still a horse.
[205] Okay.
[206] Yeah, man. So it's not like, it's not like you could confuse a mini horse with a puppy.
[207] That would never happen.
[208] Correct.
[209] Yeah.
[210] Okay.
[211] What about a large puppy?
[212] But how about a really large puppy and a really mini -man?
[213] mini horse.
[214] Could they frolic as friends and mistake each other for the same species?
[215] Oh my God.
[216] They could.
[217] They could.
[218] So the backyard, you know, my neighbor in the back plays with the neighbor's dog plays with the horse and they go back and forth on the fence.
[219] So I think they could frolic.
[220] My favorite thing, and my favorite thing is when animals that are different species become friends.
[221] I can watch videos like that.
[222] You know, and there have been whole movies made about this, but when a horse becomes friends with a turtle, I'm in heaven, you know?
[223] When they form an alliance to solve a bank robbery, I'll watch that movie any day, you know?
[224] Yeah.
[225] I love it.
[226] Yeah, it's all over the cartoons.
[227] It's great.
[228] He said it's for children, Conan, just in case you didn't catch that.
[229] Yeah, yeah, it's like a very innocent thing, you know?
[230] He says you're interested in things that children are interested in.
[231] Very, I don't care.
[232] You're like a puppy then.
[233] You're more like a puppy.
[234] I am very like.
[235] to you.
[236] I am very like a puppy.
[237] Wow.
[238] I've been neutered.
[239] We've established all the ways that I'm like a puppy.
[240] I'm easily fooled.
[241] I need a lot of training that I never got.
[242] And I blame my parents.
[243] Wow.
[244] So you have a mini horse and you have horses and you have, obviously you have dogs, right?
[245] I have one dog.
[246] Okay.
[247] And two goats.
[248] Oh.
[249] Got goats, yes, ghosts?
[250] What do you have goats for?
[251] Does a goat emotionally give back anything?
[252] Well, it's weird.
[253] Long story short, I did a project in undergrad with that breed of goat, and I wanted one, and I just got it.
[254] It just reminded me of my project, and I wanted a goat, and I have it back there now, so.
[255] I'm noticing behind you, you have a very impressive stone wall.
[256] Like your house, it doesn't look like it matches the rest of the decor on your house.
[257] It looks very unique.
[258] What is that all, what's going?
[259] Well, how do you mean?
[260] Because on the other wall, there's a giant, like, Claymore sword and a battle.
[261] Oh, I didn't see the sword.
[262] Yeah.
[263] Oh, my God.
[264] I know.
[265] It just looks like a regular kind of ranch -style home, right, that you'd see in Texas.
[266] But over your shoulder, I saw this stone wall that's incredibly impressive.
[267] And now I see that, yes, you have a Conan the Barbarian broadsword in the background.
[268] What's what the medieval theme going on there?
[269] I've always loved medieval stuff.
[270] and, you know, anything with the medieval ages is just super cool for me. So, you know, ever since, like, little video games, whatever movies, I don't know if you remember the movie, Willow.
[271] Yeah.
[272] That's like crazy stuff, man. I didn't see it.
[273] I thought it was about the flower, and I didn't, so I didn't go see it.
[274] Is this like something you have to watch before, at some point?
[275] It's hard to describe.
[276] Well, you just did a pretty good job of describing it.
[277] I never saw the movie.
[278] Willow, but I can tell by Gourley's expression, and also just because I know Gourley that he's seen it like 35 times, and probably can recite the whole movie.
[279] Is that right, Gorley?
[280] Come on.
[281] Yeah, you got Val Kilmer playing Mad Mardigan, you got a Laura Dan, and you got a dog Warwick Davis who played Wicked the EWalk and Return of the Jedi.
[282] I mean, it's got it off.
[283] Oh, my God.
[284] You're the worst.
[285] Let it go.
[286] Let it roll.
[287] Come on, yeah.
[288] Here we go.
[289] Double nickel.
[290] So that's where it came from, you know.
[291] Okay.
[292] I was, it was just a cool movie with swords and shit.
[293] Yeah, there's that.
[294] I understand that you love medieval stuff, but not many people build a medieval stone wall as a wall of their home.
[295] How did you get that done?
[296] Who provides that service?
[297] I did it myself.
[298] Oh, cool.
[299] Oh, you built that medieval.
[300] I did my stones behind me, too.
[301] Look at this.
[302] Oh, I see that.
[303] Yeah, pretty cool.
[304] You did a dry stack veneer.
[305] Oh, for God's sake.
[306] Can't.
[307] And I did, but it's one of these.
[308] Individually, each one you have to put in.
[309] So it was.
[310] No, I mean, yours.
[311] I have to say, Jonathan, yours looks really cool and medieval.
[312] And Gorley's looks like he's living in a steakhouse, like a sort of upscale steakhouse.
[313] He's got that.
[314] I just want to say that's the nicest thing.
[315] Yeah, it is.
[316] It's very nice.
[317] It's just got that kind of look to it, you know?
[318] I think I'll have the primary.
[319] and grilled broccoli and I want one of those potatoes that has everything on it.
[320] So you love the medieval ages.
[321] You love and you said everything about it, which includes lack of adequate health care, a life expectancy that ends around 27 years old.
[322] Yeah, horrible diseases.
[323] Yeah, nobody hasn't, everyone's gums are just shooting puss out of them.
[324] But you can still have all those animals.
[325] Yeah, yeah.
[326] And there's a lot of sick animals that you can work on and just, you know, charge cash.
[327] You'd have to like bleed them and leach them and cups.
[328] That's true.
[329] You know what nobody, you know what nobody thought was cute in medieval times?
[330] A Renaissance fair.
[331] They just weren't as popular.
[332] People would be like, called fairs back then.
[333] People would say, no, no, no, it's a Renaissance fair.
[334] Isn't this funny and ironic?
[335] And people would go, no, not really.
[336] And they'd be like, look, I've got a giant turkey lag.
[337] Those two are charging at each other with lances.
[338] Uh -huh.
[339] Oh, look.
[340] We're all having ale.
[341] Uh -huh.
[342] Isn't this ironic?
[343] No, it really isn't.
[344] It didn't become ironic for a long time.
[345] I think I'm really on to something here.
[346] Are you?
[347] Funny idea.
[348] Well, I think it's a funny sketch, an ironic Renaissance fair that hipsters go to, but it's during the Renaissance.
[349] Right.
[350] You know, during the medieval times, I think that's a hilarious idea, and I'm writing it down, and I'm sending it to Saturday Night Live, and I'm saying...
[351] Do that, and then there's a follow -up sketch that takes place during the restoration era where it really lands.
[352] It's the first time...
[353] Oh, it's the first time.
[354] People were like, finally I get what you're talking about.
[355] Keith.
[356] Well, Jonathan, we've learned much from you.
[357] You've told us that pretty much my anatomy is so similar to a puppies that, though you are a small animal vet, you could still perform a very complicated surgery on me if you had to, if I collapsed on a hike that we were taking together.
[358] We've also learned that you have goats for really no apparent.
[359] reason and that you've built a medieval wall in your home yourself because you're a big fan of the movie Willow with Val Kilmer.
[360] We know about you now.
[361] And trust me, I've heard your story a thousand times.
[362] Do you have a question for me?
[363] Is there any way I can be of service to you, Jonathan?
[364] Yes, I do.
[365] If you could turn into an animal, what animal would you be?
[366] And why?
[367] This is like Willow.
[368] Yeah.
[369] Yeah.
[370] I don't, I don't.
[371] I don't.
[372] I don't.
[373] I don't.
[374] I don't.
[375] I I still don't know.
[376] There, awesome.
[377] Perfect.
[378] I didn't, again, still, I'm, I'm, uh, ignorant of the plot of Willow's, so I don't know.
[379] Um, and I know this shocks you, Gawley, but I don't know what it has to do.
[380] But now I know, I guess, has something to do with humans.
[381] Well, it's kind of like Ladyhawk or crawl, so.
[382] Okay, man, I am, I am as, I am as, I am as, I am as, I am as, I am as lost as I've ever been.
[383] Oh, sure.
[384] Okay.
[385] Uh, anyway.
[386] What animal would I want to turn into?
[387] Well, definitely not one that can jump in the sea.
[388] I always think that's, whenever someone like Aquaman or there's some creature that, or some person that says, yeah, but I can jump in the ocean and turn into a fish, I think, yeah, but you're so restricted in your movements, right?
[389] You have to wait for a crime to be committed underwater.
[390] And that just doesn't happen too often, you know?
[391] You're basically people are trying to act.
[392] ask you, can you get under there and get the barnacles off my boat?
[393] I don't wanna dry dock it.
[394] So I'm gonna say I want it to be, oh, okay, I'd like to be a grizzly.
[395] I'm fascinated by grizzly bears.
[396] I would love to be able to turn into a grizzly bear, it will, and I'd like to be able to stand up on two legs and rub my back against a giant redwood tree.
[397] You should do that now.
[398] Would you wear a diaper?
[399] Would you wear a diaper?
[400] Like would you put on a diaper and kind of like go like that?
[401] Oh, no. Put some background music and No, you can also do that.
[402] Some classical music and would you do that a lot?
[403] Would that classical theme be Flight of the Bumblebee?
[404] Right, right, right, right.
[405] Okay, yes, I get it.
[406] No, I do not want to be the masturbating bear.
[407] And by the way, you're talking about something I can do now.
[408] Yes, I can scratch my back now.
[409] But when you're a grizzly and you rub your back against a giant tree, people see a tree shaking 15 miles away and they know somewhere a grizzly is satisfying himself.
[410] Is it a sexual thing or is it just he's got an itch he can't reach?
[411] No, it's an itch on the back.
[412] But also sometimes trees mount, sometimes grizzly bears mount a tree from the front and that's sexual.
[413] Oh.
[414] And then people see the tree shaking and they know, well, okay, It's, it has a slightly different shake.
[415] I'd like to be, no, I'd like to be a grizzly because I admire their speed, their strength, their beauty.
[416] I'd also like to occasionally just lose it on a camper.
[417] You're gonna rip a head off.
[418] Yeah, they forgot to tie their slim gym and hoist it up into a tree before they went to their tent.
[419] Yeah, I'd love to do that is just rip open the tent and go, ah!
[420] Like I'm doing a practical joke.
[421] Yeah.
[422] That's another thing you could technically do now.
[423] You know what?
[424] You're right.
[425] Cohen just show up at a tent.
[426] Everything so far we've talked about are things I do now.
[427] I scratch my back on trees.
[428] I also occasionally scratch the front on a tree.
[429] So I love.
[430] That's how you got that left turn.
[431] I learned my lesson.
[432] Don't screw around with cedars.
[433] Cedars are tricky trees.
[434] And then, yeah, I would like to.
[435] And I can, and as I think now, I think what if the report went up to the Pacific Northwest that a Conan O 'Brien has been attacking and molesting campus?
[436] And we have to put it down.
[437] We have to put it down and they're looking for me and every now and then they see a tree in the distance shaking and they're like, and they see a little bit of red pompadour and they're like, go get it!
[438] Wow.
[439] Okay, Jonathan, you've been a delightful guest.
[440] And please give the puppies my best.
[441] And I know they're fans.
[442] and seriously, thank you so much for calling in.
[443] You seem like a very funny guy, and I love that you're...
[444] It sounds like you're doing good work.
[445] So carry on, carry on.
[446] Appreciate it.
[447] Thanks for talking to me. Well, of course.
[448] Yeah, it was an absolute delight.
[449] Okay, you take care, Jonathan.
[450] Bye, Jonathan.
[451] Bye, thank you.
[452] Bye, guys.
[453] See you later.
[454] Great.
[455] Bye -bye -bye.
[456] It was nice meeting you.
[457] Nice to meet you.
[458] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[459] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Goorley.
[460] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.
[461] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salateroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[462] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[463] Supervising producer Aaron Blaird.
[464] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[465] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Bechton.
[466] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are down.
[467] This has been a team cocoa production in association with Stitcher.