#22 - John Heffron

[0] Now, to you, stream.

[1] Sorry for the incredible delay.

[2] Absolutely ridiculous.

[3] I don't know why you people tolerate this shit.

[4] I don't know why you people tolerate this shit.

[5] Oh, Brian!

[6] I did that on purpose.

[7] Yeah, you totally did.

[8] Totally did.

[9] We have Mike Stans now, except for my friend John Heffron.

[10] He's forced to hold his microphone, otherwise we'd have an ungainly stand right in front of you.

[11] I think that would be ridiculous.

[12] Next time.

[13] Would you like a stand?

[14] I have a stand.

[15] No, I have it like this.

[16] I'm just going to rock it out like this, like I'm about to bell out the last part of some song.

[17] Yeah, like you're the lead singer from Creed.

[18] Yeah, yeah.

[19] I'm just going to be...

[20] So I'll just go like this, and this is perfect.

[21] I'm probably going to wind up holding onto the mic, too, because as a comic, that seems like a natural thing.

[22] This seems less natural to have this fucking thing in front of you.

[23] Yeah, it's kind of odd.

[24] Or those stands, those are kind of like singer -songwriter stands.

[25] Ever do a comedy club?

[26] Well, I am a singer -songwriter.

[27] Well, that I know, but where you have to use a stand like that?

[28] Is there anything more fucking pretentious than a singer -songwriter?

[29] Yeah, I've done some shitty gigs.

[30] And this is like, say, as a comic.

[31] I mean, I talked about this with Tom Segura.

[32] As a comic, you have to admit that most comics suck, right?

[33] What are the odds?

[34] What are the numbers, rather?

[35] It's like 80 % suck.

[36] There's a lot of bad.

[37] Right.

[38] Same as singer -songwriters.

[39] There's cool singer -songwriters.

[40] Right.

[41] But 80 % of them are fucking miserable douchebags.

[42] Yeah.

[43] Right?

[44] Yeah, yeah.

[45] Yeah.

[46] Ladies and gentlemen, John Heffron, winner of Last Comic Standing.

[47] Biggest miserable douchebag.

[48] No. Great guy.

[49] Incorrect, sir.

[50] You're incorrect about yourself.

[51] If you haven't seen John, John won season two of Last Comic Standing.

[52] I thought it was season one because I blocked out season one because I was on it.

[53] And I was on it with Buddy Hackett.

[54] And Buddy Hackett got mad at me and then died two weeks later.

[55] I was going to yell at him.

[56] It was a creepy moment, man. I think we talked about this.

[57] Did we talk about this?

[58] Last time you were on?

[59] But Buddy Hackett yelled at me and I almost yelled at him back and then two weeks later he died.

[60] So I'm glad I didn't yell.

[61] Do you guys know who Rip Torn is or Rip Van Torn or whatever?

[62] That dude, I just saw him today.

[63] I had breakfast and he sat on the table next to me and just freaking everybody out and stuff.

[64] Was he funny at one point?

[65] I don't really know anything about him except he was always gay.

[66] He's like one of those Hollywood Squares dudes that's always been on Hollywood Squares back in the 70s and shit.

[67] Right.

[68] He was passing out flyers at Patty's.

[69] He's old as fuck, man. He looks crazy.

[70] He doesn't even look like him anymore.

[71] Pretty scary.

[72] How do you know it was really him?

[73] Because he was passing out Rip Van Torn flyers.

[74] Rip Torn, right?

[75] He used to throw the confetti was his thing.

[76] I'm a guy, guys.

[77] Was it that guy?

[78] Oh, I have no idea.

[79] Yeah, but that was back when there was probably just him and...

[80] Hey, Brian, can you do me a favor and just shut that door?

[81] Yeah.

[82] And that other dude that was way gay that was on Hollywood Squares.

[83] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[84] Fuck.

[85] Hey, hey, Samantha.

[86] Yeah, what is his name?

[87] The worst impression ever, but you know what I'm talking about.

[88] That's a pretty good impression because I knew exactly what you were talking about.

[89] Charles something or another.

[90] Not Charles O 'Reilly.

[91] Okay, maybe that other story.

[92] Charles O 'Reilly.

[93] No, that was a different guy.

[94] That was another gay guy?

[95] Yeah, this guy was also on Bewitched, Samantha.

[96] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[97] I have no idea who the fuck that dude is.

[98] Two or three guys that were like the only two or three way, way gay guys, whatever, and every TV show had them on.

[99] Yeah, that's so true.

[100] If you were a gay guy back then, man, you had to be fucking obviously gay and never talk about it.

[101] They never talked about their boyfriend.

[102] No. They didn't go on the Howard Stern show and talk about butt sex and what they like and what they don't like.

[103] They just threw confetti and you went, you know what?

[104] That guy's throwing confetti.

[105] He's probably gay.

[106] You know what's crazy when you stop and think about how many people were undercover gay back in those days?

[107] Like Rock Hudson.

[108] So many.

[109] So many different guys.

[110] They just couldn't be themselves.

[111] They didn't have that option.

[112] It was impossible.

[113] Or you go, yeah, they didn't have that option.

[114] But they could go out and go to a gay whatever crazy club and never get busted.

[115] Never get caught.

[116] The volume on Ustream is over -modulating.

[117] Over -modulating.

[118] Because it's so fucking powerful now, baby.

[119] I think that readers – is that guy better?

[120] Sorry.

[121] There you go.

[122] Yeah, it used to be – Really terrible.

[123] Yeah, you can go to any place and not get busted, though.

[124] That was back in the day when you left your house.

[125] Your wife couldn't get a hold of you until you got back home.

[126] So you could do gay shit.

[127] Yeah.

[128] So you could have a wife.

[129] How many of them...

[130] But now...

[131] How many of you think work up front with their wives and said, listen, you don't have to work ever again.

[132] I'll give you a big fat house.

[133] You drive around in a nice car.

[134] You don't have to have a job.

[135] I'll just be my wife.

[136] You know, you can fuck guys.

[137] Just keep it on the DL.

[138] Don't get me in trouble.

[139] Do you think there was that, or do you think it was...

[140] That's a difficult move, though, because you've got to be a pretty open and honest guy to pull that conversation off.

[141] I think that happens a lot.

[142] I think there's a lot of beards in Hollywood.

[143] Yes, there are, but how many of them know their beards?

[144] See, I know a girl who was married to a guy for 10 fucking years, and then it turns out the guy was gay.

[145] The guy came out 10 fucking years into their marriage, and they were dating before they were married.

[146] So who knows?

[147] how long it had been going on where he was just trying to keep it together and pretend he was heterosexual, and finally he just came clean.

[148] That's crazy shit, man. And that girl was, I know for sure, absolutely unaware, completely devastated, couldn't believe it, shocked, blown away.

[149] This is a working woman.

[150] I mean, she works in Hollywood.

[151] She's a smart woman.

[152] Pretty crazy story, man. What I understand is my gaydar has to go off, you know, if I'm married to somebody, I'm with them that much, and if they are really gay, then you would think you would know unless you're really stupid.

[153] Yes, you would, but this woman who I know is not the most sexual person, and she's very ambitious, and she works all the time, and she maybe doesn't even like sex that much, and maybe every now and then he likes fucking girls.

[154] Maybe he's really good at eating pussy because he wishes he had one.

[155] He's like, if I had one, I would do this to it.

[156] What a terrible fucking gay voice I just threw out there.

[157] God, so stereotypical.

[158] I'm so embarrassed by myself.

[159] But yeah, man, it's got to be real hard.

[160] to have that wacky gene and be stuck in a situation where you have to pretend that you're not.

[161] Could you imagine if you had to pretend to be gay all the time?

[162] Imagine if the only way to work in Hollywood was you had to be gay.

[163] So you had to run around pretending to be gay, including dating guys and letting them fuck you.

[164] How about that?

[165] Right, to add to the thing.

[166] Could you fucking imagine if that was the only way?

[167] Could you imagine if you're a comic, you want to make it as a comic, and the only way is if they think that you're gay?

[168] Right.

[169] Fuck!

[170] But it's so tempting.

[171] I mean, you want to be a comic so bad.

[172] You've always wanted to be a comedian.

[173] That's your fucking thing.

[174] You know, could you imagine?

[175] No. Holy shit.

[176] You know, we're very lucky.

[177] So lucky to be heterosexual.

[178] So lucky.

[179] So true.

[180] I mean, except for the whole, you have to worry about babies.

[181] That's it.

[182] Gay dudes, they just plug each other in the ass all day and they don't have to worry about shit.

[183] There's no repercussions.

[184] The worst, they get some sort of a disease.

[185] They get the AIDS.

[186] That's the worst.

[187] But other than that, they're just pleasure.

[188] It's all pleasure.

[189] You know, just shooting loads at each other and having a good time.

[190] I got online last night and I was on YouTube watching that R. Kelly clip, my new favorite clip of all time, and I went on a YouTube journey.

[191] Which is always amazing if you ever like – the very first video on YouTube, you should write down what it is and then backtrack your mind to see how you went from R. Kelly to – Well, I went from R. Kelly to gay bears.

[192] Gay muscle bears and daddy bears.

[193] All these videos of gay guys.

[194] These hairy gay guys have online.

[195] Big muscular gay guys like flexing.

[196] And you read like the fucking comments.

[197] And it's hilarious.

[198] The comments are all these gay dudes going, oh, I already got pre -cum.

[199] And like, you know, my dick got hard.

[200] Just looking at that.

[201] I can't wait to shoot on his back.

[202] You know, oh, what I would do to him.

[203] I wish I had an older man like him to molest me. And I'm like, it's all like unanimous perverts.

[204] Like everyone on the fucking thing.

[205] They're all.

[206] just disgusting wicked perverts I was on a site similar an adult site that had comments underneath the actual porn scene which just shows I think that's weird is a generation thing is that a new thing?

[207] I've never seen that on the porn site they have that actually here on Ustream Yeah, but Ustream is normal.

[208] But on a porn site, have you ever seen it?

[209] Like, I hate the way she sucks dick.

[210] She looks like she hates it.

[211] Yeah, that's what I said.

[212] There was this one, it was this Asian girl, and she was typewriting, and the comments underneath was, why would she be using a typewriter right now?

[213] And it's, to me, maybe it's just an Asian, but it's like, just be happier seeing porn.

[214] There's a generation of guys that used to go through the weird guy's trash, used to have to get the Sears catalog.

[215] Oh, we've talked about this many times.

[216] You know, we're sponsoring.

[217] Be happy that you have porn, and you're really going to create a screen name?

[218] By the way, we have to mention this.

[219] We're sponsored now.

[220] Sponsored by The Fleshlight.

[221] See that?

[222] That's a butthole.

[223] That's a butthole right there, fella.

[224] There's a pubic hair on it, too.

[225] Where?

[226] No, there's not pubic hair.

[227] I did not use this one, sir.

[228] I do not use the butthole one, and I would not pull out the vagina one out of respect, the one that I have used.

[229] I like how it's autographed.

[230] Yeah, that's so important.

[231] The vagina one's autographed, too.

[232] Really?

[233] From who?

[234] I don't know.

[235] Like famous?

[236] Yeah, I think that one's like...

[237] Christopher Reeves.

[238] What?

[239] That's Christopher Reeves' butthole.

[240] Wow.

[241] It's a lot pinker than I expected.

[242] So that's the flesh.

[243] We're sponsored by it.

[244] If you're a masturbator, and I know you are, you've got to pick one of those up.

[245] It's fucking fantastic.

[246] It's the greatest masturbation tool ever invented for dudes.

[247] Because for years, dudes had nothing.

[248] Now we have this.

[249] It's golden.

[250] 15 % off on Joe's website.

[251] Oh, yeah.

[252] You click on a link.

[253] You can get some money for it.

[254] Get some money off.

[255] And you've got to figure if we just go through that.

[256] I've never used one.

[257] But anything else you might use is probably called chafing.

[258] And it might, you know what I mean, get little hot spots here or there.

[259] So that's probably a safer thing about that.

[260] Think about the less open sores you're putting on your junk by not irritating the skin.

[261] Look at you.

[262] That's the medical end.

[263] That's the practical end.

[264] I don't know what you're fucking to put sores all over your dick.

[265] But yes, I agree with you.

[266] Well, I'm just saying some t -shirts are softer than others.

[267] Do you fuck your t -shirts?

[268] Is that what you do?

[269] No, but I'm saying some just so that, you know.

[270] What the fuck are you saying?

[271] Say it or just don't say it.

[272] You fuck your t -shirts.

[273] Nothing wrong with that.

[274] I don't know if I do that term.

[275] I fuck basically everything I own.

[276] I fucked my bed.

[277] I fucked pillows.

[278] I fucked soap.

[279] I fucked shampoo.

[280] I tried a difference between soap and shampoo.

[281] My dick got irritated once because I fucked this soap that I didn't know.

[282] It was Mrs. Rogan soap, and it was for if you have acne.

[283] And I just squirted it on my dick and beat off with it.

[284] And then my dick got all fucking red and sore.

[285] And I was like, what the fuck was that shampoo?

[286] And then I just thought it was shampoo, man. Let's just say through conditioning, if I smell pert, I start to get a little bit aroused.

[287] Wow.

[288] If I hear running water.

[289] It's like Pavlov's dog.

[290] Yeah, exactly.

[291] If I smell purr.

[292] But I think conditioner is a way better way to go than shampoo.

[293] You know bubbles where you blow bubbles?

[294] That soap, it's kind of oily.

[295] That's the best soap to fuck, I think.

[296] Dudes don't have to worry about any of that shit when they're gay.

[297] They just bang each other.

[298] I bet gay guys hardly even jerk off.

[299] They're just so busy banging each other.

[300] They could just get sex all the time.

[301] I think so.

[302] I think you see it at the gym where you're like, wow, you just come here and you just look and then you disappear in the steam room?

[303] I used to work out at 24 Hour Fitness and the guy who was the manager there was this really cool guy and he was assigned to the West Hollywood store, the West Hollywood 24 Hour Fitness because he had to clean it up, quote unquote.

[304] because they were having problems there, because dudes were fucking there.

[305] And dudes would fuck all over the place.

[306] They would fuck in the sauna, and they would have to go in there and hose down the sauna.

[307] He said it was disgusting.

[308] You would go in there, it would smell like ass, and there would be loads everywhere.

[309] These guys would just bang each other and shoot loads all over the fucking sauna.

[310] And you would go in there, literally, it would be a fucking biological hazard.

[311] And he had to clean all this stuff out and hose everything down.

[312] He said he always caught dudes banging in there.

[313] Those are in shape.

[314] Guys, too, by the way.

[315] Dude, gay gyms are like gay discos.

[316] They might as well be nightclubs.

[317] That's where they pick each other up.

[318] When I was doing news radio, I used to work out at Gold's Gym, which is on Cole, which was a total gay disco.

[319] I mean, that's all it was.

[320] It was just a bunch of gay dudes trying to pick each other up.

[321] And they would spot you when you didn't need a spot.

[322] They would come over.

[323] So they can stand with your balls above your head.

[324] And they would be really aggressive, like the way they stared at you and looked at you.

[325] to getting their dick sucked and they did that.

[326] That's their spot.

[327] That's where they go, man. They're fucking freaks.

[328] They don't have to worry about babies.

[329] What was life like before the pill?

[330] Could you imagine if we grew up...

[331] I mean, when was the pill?

[332] The 50s?

[333] Is that what it was?

[334] Could you imagine if we grew up when there was no pill?

[335] We don't even know what that's like.

[336] My girlfriend was on the pill when she was 16.

[337] When I was 16 or I was 17, she was 16, she was on the pill.

[338] I don't know what it's like to be in an era.

[339] When there was no pill.

[340] Could you imagine.

[341] How much more careful you had to be.

[342] How trickier it had to be.

[343] You know.

[344] Yeah.

[345] Or were guys then.

[346] Or they were like.

[347] Kind of dudes now.

[348] When you're just.

[349] Whatever.

[350] Out of 100.

[351] Out of 100 people.

[352] Guess how many.

[353] Per year.

[354] Out of 100 people.

[355] Get pregnant.

[356] Even while they're on the pill.

[357] How many?

[358] 83 % are protected.

[359] So it's whatever.

[360] That's it?

[361] Yeah.

[362] It's only 83%, so 17%, so 17 out of 100?

[363] Really?

[364] Yeah, I was just at Planned Parenthood the other day.

[365] They really said that.

[366] You know why?

[367] Because out of that 17%, 99 % of those 17 % are lying whores.

[368] That's why.

[369] Oh, you're totally on the pill.

[370] Yeah, you're on the pill.

[371] You shoot a load in there, and now you have a baby.

[372] I have a new baby.

[373] Oh, yeah.

[374] How is it going?

[375] Congratulations.

[376] My Mrs. Rogan gave birth.

[377] On Wednesday, we have a new baby.

[378] And don't read the chat.

[379] You're going to get distracted, son.

[380] See?

[381] You're not even paying attention.

[382] You don't want to read these people.

[383] You're already lost.

[384] You don't want to read that.

[385] Just concentrate on the conversation.

[386] I'm going to tell you something horrible.

[387] I'm told not to chime in.

[388] You don't have...

[389] Who told you not to chime in?

[390] Some random...

[391] Well, you don't fucking listen to that random, dude.

[392] You gave a voice to some douchebag.

[393] There's some asshole out there.

[394] Look, the beautiful thing about the internet, I always say, is that anyone...

[395] can say anything.

[396] They all are free to say whatever they want.

[397] But the horrible thing about the internet is that anyone can say everything.

[398] They can say whatever they want.

[399] So douchebags get to talk too.

[400] So you don't know what kind of group you're getting.

[401] And you can't read the negative shit.

[402] 99 % of it is going to be cool people with questions.

[403] But that 1%, you can't respond to them because then you're reinforcing shitty behavior.

[404] You know, those faggots need to get a life.

[405] Those fucking dummies that want to come on and talk shit.

[406] They want to do it on Twitter.

[407] They want to do it on MySpace and Facebook.

[408] I had to learn the hard way that you're supposed to ignore them or joke about it.

[409] It is hard because you see them like, fuck you.

[410] But that's not even a person, man. That's a sad little blip of energy, of negative energy.

[411] I had this fucking dude.

[412] I should read it because it's that interesting.

[413] I had this fucking dude that sent me a message about.

[414] um the woman who uh i had an argument with this feminist woman once on um on myspace and uh not on myspace on um they put it up on youtube kevin kevin booth filmed it it was behind the comedy store this lady lydia lunch and i try to be nice to her but she got like super aggro with me and really douchey and said she was gonna burn me with her cigarette so i just started fucking ripping her apart and it's on youtube and this guy sent me this fucking scathing i mean the chick is a cunt, okay?

[415] There's no way I would ever yell at a woman unless that woman's a cunt.

[416] I mean, it has to get to a dirty, horrible point.

[417] If that's my manager, I'm fucking firing them, I swear to God.

[418] Well, I got a...

[419] Yes, it is.

[420] I'm doing my podcast.

[421] Wow.

[422] I do it every Wednesday at 3 o 'clock.

[423] You're on the air right now.

[424] It's Wednesday.

[425] Today's Wednesday, knucklehead.

[426] Tuesday.

[427] Tuesday, whatever it is.

[428] Bye.

[429] That's a real comic.

[430] I don't even know what fucking day it is.

[431] It was them, too.

[432] It's always them.

[433] Meanwhile, they were getting mad because we were talking about them in the flashlight.

[434] We're not allowed to talk about them anymore.

[435] Anyway, so this fucking guy sent me this email back.

[436] I mean, the first email he sent me was really fucked up.

[437] Just such a douchebag.

[438] That woman you bullied on YouTube.

[439] Just listen to this.

[440] This woman is an ass, but Joe Rogan looks like a typical dude who would be on Jersey Shore, pushing and punching, bullying women physically.

[441] Okay, I didn't bully her.

[442] I told her not to touch my face.

[443] She touched my face, and I pushed her hand away from me. Wow, dude, you're so tough, man. What a funny faggot you are.

[444] Talk about mommy issues.

[445] Christ, how do you live each day being such a miserable bitch?

[446] Typical low -file pig.

[447] Only other short, ugly, miserable potheads.

[448] Now, think all this fucking energy.

[449] And this keeps going on and on and on and on.

[450] Uneducated piece of trash.

[451] Instead of telling us that you wish the president would take mushroom trips, try living life without smoking joints, you pothead burnout, fucking dum -dum.

[452] So this is obviously someone who's been to my show because I say the president should take mushrooms.

[453] I've said that in my act.

[454] So this is obviously probably some heckler, probably some dude who got jacked at one of the shows.

[455] Um, and then I sent him some message.

[456] I think I sent him something like, uh, I said that here, this is what I said.

[457] If that's what you got out of the video, then you deserve to be the type of person that writes such a retarded email.

[458] You have created your own reality and it sucks to be you kisses.

[459] So that's what I said to him.

[460] I don't know why I did it because I shouldn't have.

[461] Because when you do that, what happens is you create a fucking battle for no reason.

[462] So this fucking guy writes this thing that's like paragraphs long.

[463] You're the typical Jersey Shore hostile short dude.

[464] You'd like to believe you're different because you moved to plastic land with the fakes.

[465] But it just goes on and on and on.

[466] And it's so fucking sad.

[467] And I look at stuff like that and I say, here's a guy that obviously.

[468] not a happy person.

[469] There's no way he's successful.

[470] Michael Jordan is not sitting around on Ustream, you know, writing letters like this or on YouTube or whatever.

[471] These are all Michael Jordan.

[472] Yeah.

[473] You know what I'm saying?

[474] It's not, there's no winners out there doing shit.

[475] Donald Trump's not getting on fucking MySpace and shitting on bands.

[476] Your band sucks.

[477] You guys are faggots.

[478] You know, it's always some fucking zero, but the amount of hate that someone would generate.

[479] And all of it comes from them not being happy with who they are.

[480] All of it, 100%.

[481] If they want to put out that much energy, you could have dislike for someone.

[482] You could disagree with someone.

[483] But if you spill out so much vial and it's about something that had nothing to do with you, what you're doing is finding someone who you don't like.

[484] compare yourself to.

[485] They've got something that makes you uncomfortable, whether it's success or looks or money or whatever the fuck it is.

[486] They're doing something that you wish you were doing.

[487] They are getting attention you wish you were getting.

[488] That's all it is.

[489] So you have to treat them instead of like human beings, you have to treat them like these little aberrations, little blips of energy, and you got to learn from them.

[490] So when you see some douchebag that like chimes in and says something fucked up, the way you have to look at these people in is almost like these sad little creatures, like trapped in like a, like a jail of their own choosing.

[491] So don't respond to these fuckers.

[492] I was like, what are we talking about?

[493] That's the weed for you, son.

[494] I got an email a few days ago that literally said, I just saw your special on Comedy Central.

[495] You were one of those guys where your parents must have told you you were funny.

[496] even though you weren't.

[497] And then he goes on to say, you know, you suck, you're not funny, you maybe make a good weather guy, blah, blah, blah.

[498] So then I saw that.

[499] That's actually kind of funny.

[500] You might maybe make a good weather guy.

[501] I'm not saying, listen, you suck as a comic, but I'd believe you if you said a storm front was coming in.

[502] But then I was like, at first I got mad and wanted to respond to the guy.

[503] And then I went, you know what?

[504] How many emails do I get from people that were like, that was the greatest show ever.

[505] And I don't even think about responding.

[506] Exactly.

[507] That's the problem.

[508] Because, and what's that guy's focus?

[509] Like there's not been, like you just said, one band that I've hated so much that I went to their website, logged in and said, I just want to let you, I'm never coming to see you.

[510] No artist, no writer, no comic, no nothing.

[511] I've never, I've never done.

[512] that to anybody online that i did if i didn't like their stuff i didn't like it yeah you know i might like comment on twitter i thought that movie sucked you know but But writing someone like some fucking horrible, scathing, evil email like that, that's only for losers.

[513] And you know the second you'd reply to it, their heart would drop because they were excited.

[514] Oh, and then it's on.

[515] Like this guy that I told you that I sent that email back, he wrote me fucking paragraphs.

[516] That douchebag probably spent hours of that.

[517] Meanwhile, he's probably unemployed.

[518] His life's in fucking shambles.

[519] He's probably 12 years old and he pees himself still and he has a computer and he's making fun of all of us.

[520] That's the problem I hate.

[521] I got in a fight with somebody the other day.

[522] back and forth and then I went to his MySpace page and it was like a kid like he had Pokemon as one of his favorites and I'm like oh my god I'm even wasting time on this kid yeah well it's possible it's always possible that they're little teenagers but yeah The more important thing is that what it is, is it's not a person.

[523] And you think it's a person because, you know, like in real life, if someone did that to you, it would cause like a real situation.

[524] You'd be like, wow, there's like some negative energy going back and forth between me and this person.

[525] But you're not even making physical contact with that person.

[526] So you got to learn how to like not accept it.

[527] Like when shit comes in and it's like anonymous shit on the internet, you got to learn how to not accept that.

[528] It's a difficult thing, right?

[529] It's tricky.

[530] This is probably the trickiest thing about being in the, you know, quote unquote, public eye, you know, is dealing with all the losers, all the fucking failures, all the shitty human beings that just want to dump on people.

[531] And it's easier to dump on people.

[532] If you do that all day, then you never have to look at what's going on with your own life.

[533] You're like, I've had a busy day.

[534] For sure.

[535] I wrote 10 bands that I hate and five comics I can't stand.

[536] Wow.

[537] This guy, I went to his YouTube page too, which is even more hilarious because it's just filled with people shitting on him, calling him an asshole.

[538] So I guess he just does this constantly.

[539] That's what he does.

[540] He just fucks with people.

[541] And I thought it was fascinating, man. It's fascinating that there's people like that that for sure are fucking losers.

[542] Not a single one of these guys is successful, is doing what they want to be doing.

[543] Because if they were, they would be concentrating on that.

[544] I don't have enough energy out there to concentrate on some other shit.

[545] I don't have any energy to go out there and try to bring someone down for no reason.

[546] I don't have it.

[547] I don't have it to give.

[548] And if you have it to give, for sure, you're missing something in your life.

[549] Abso -fucking -lutely.

[550] Jesus.

[551] You're missing.

[552] Jesus.

[553] I've been following.

[554] lot of christians on on the twitter lately oh so this brings me back to r kelly before i went we went gay guys gay guys big bear to r kelly okay you fucking have to see this r kelly clip i gotta show you this video because this is the best piece of unintentional comedy i've ever been a witness to it's r kelly and it's a video called real talk and i watched it i'm not bullshitting you man i watched it fucking 10 times yesterday i'm gonna find it here on your twitter yep Here it is.

[555] Can I play it here?

[556] How is the volume thing working?

[557] I'll do the volume thing on this computer.

[558] Okay.

[559] Here we go.

[560] Which one is it?

[561] It's on my Twitter.

[562] You're not even on my Twitter, faggot.

[563] Okay.

[564] Now you are.

[565] I had to mute the other thing.

[566] Oh, my God.

[567] You're fucking ridiculous.

[568] Scroll down.

[569] All right.

[570] Right there.

[571] Jesus Christ.

[572] Can you fucking read some?

[573] Scroll down all the way, man. No, it's too...

[574] Damn, you freaked out.

[575] I watched some link that you hit yesterday about some guy in cold.

[576] I watched the whole thing.

[577] Okay, you gotta crank this up.

[578] Okay, crank this up.

[579] This is R. Kelly, who is my favorite unintentional black comedian.

[580] You gotta...

[581] Real talk behind the scenes is what it's called on YouTube.

[582] Now what it is, is R. Kelly having an argument with his chick and he turned it into a song.

[583] It's just a conversation with him and his chick.

[584] They love real talk.

[585] This is him on the phone.

[586] Meanwhile while he's talking I love how there's no singing during that point because he's got this intelligent point to make.

[587] Do I say other guys?

[588] He's got a fucking rock -solid excuse.

[589] Listen.

[590] What they eat don't make us This is my favorite part Did he?

[591] He is.

[592] Okay, shut it off.

[593] He's singing.

[594] That's the end of it.

[595] And there's like a fake fight afterwards.

[596] He's singing through a ghetto argument with his girl.

[597] And he's singing like with passion and I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes.

[598] Real talk.

[599] Everybody listening, next time you fight with your girl, you have to just throw the word real talk into the conversation.

[600] Oh, my God.

[601] That's good.

[602] He likes to pee on girls, too, which is funny.

[603] Is that true, though?

[604] Yes, you did not see the video?

[605] Listen, did he not get acquitted?

[606] You don't want to get sued, son.

[607] I've seen the video.

[608] You best watch your motherfucking mouth.

[609] This is real talk.

[610] He got his jacket and got it bedazzled at the mall.

[611] Did you see that?

[612] He had those little jewels he put on cell phones all over his jacket.

[613] I don't know why you're hanging on with all them no -man -having assholes anyway.

[614] Real talk.

[615] I want to see him and Eazy -E deep kiss.

[616] What are you talking about?

[617] He's fucking awesome.

[618] He is a dude out there working for you, okay?

[619] That guy is providing you with entertainment.

[620] Look.

[621] You might not like him.

[622] You might think he's stupid.

[623] But that was goddamn entertaining.

[624] For all the wrong reasons.

[625] But that was goddamn entertaining.

[626] That easily could have been a sketch on the Chappelle show.

[627] Oh, that was awesome.

[628] For the wrong reasons.

[629] Yeah.

[630] I like his road of thought, though, when it goes like, you were out with the night girls.

[631] Hey, didn't I buy you something yesterday?

[632] Right.

[633] You were happy then, right?

[634] So, wait.

[635] Happy then.

[636] Didn't I just buy you a lot?

[637] I love the fucking pause where there's no music.

[638] Did she say there were other guys there?

[639] Did she say there were other guys there?

[640] I wish you would burn my clothes.

[641] Come on, man. I wish you would.

[642] And it sounded like he said he was going to shoot her, then bailed and realized, he's like, I'm going to shoot.

[643] I mean, something bad's going to happen to you.

[644] What they eat don't make us shit.

[645] That's a song.

[646] That's genius shit.

[647] But, you know, you could say, oh, this idiot, this moron.

[648] But listen, that guy is giving massive amounts of unintentional comedy.

[649] Yeah.

[650] You know?

[651] He's always been great.

[652] Yeah, he's always been great, dude.

[653] I love him.

[654] Hilarious.

[655] Fucking hilarious.

[656] Trapped in the Closet was one of the best ever.

[657] It was like, what, seven parts or something like that?

[658] Yeah, more than that.

[659] Like 24 parts.

[660] It's a fucking DVD, dude.

[661] I got a DVD of it.

[662] It might be a two fucking DVD set.

[663] I want to watch that in 3D.

[664] Yeah, I watched this all day yesterday.

[665] I just kept watching it over and over and over again.

[666] I literally watched it ten times.

[667] That's awesome.

[668] Real talk!

[669] It's genius.

[670] Genius shit.

[671] All right.

[672] Anyway.

[673] Back to...

[674] Brittany Murphy's husband died.

[675] Isn't that ridiculous?

[676] Crazy.

[677] Figured that guy would be out there jogging.

[678] I mean, was it a heart attack or drugs?

[679] Drugs.

[680] Yeah.

[681] That's what they're saying.

[682] I mean, it ain't wheatgrass juice that killed that fat fuck.

[683] I mean, look at him.

[684] Everybody was wondering how that relationship went together.

[685] Do you want the protein drink?

[686] This is how you have to look at it.

[687] You see a guy who's that fucking fat with a movie star hottie for a wife, and she's got a drug problem.

[688] Well, that's where fucking drugs are coming from.

[689] They're coming from the fat guy.

[690] I mean, it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out.

[691] That's pretty simple.

[692] Yeah.

[693] Man, that's a big problem out here, isn't it?

[694] Prescription drugs.

[695] Drugs are a huge problem in Hollywood.

[696] And prescription drugs are the biggest one.

[697] That's the one that doesn't get talked about.

[698] Everybody's on pills.

[699] I can't tell you how many times someone has offered me Oxys.

[700] People have offered me Vicodins.

[701] People have offered me Xanaxes.

[702] Just offering them.

[703] Like, you want some gum?

[704] Hey, you want a Vicodin?

[705] You want a prescription drug?

[706] You want some Oxys?

[707] Fucking Oxys, man?

[708] People are giving out heroin.

[709] If anyone's giving out any Nexium, let me know.

[710] That's stomach acid medication I'm trying to get around.

[711] It's scary, dude.

[712] It's scary bringing human beings into this world knowing that it's just going to get more and more fucking crazy.

[713] So baby Rogan number two was just born the other day.

[714] And this is the craziest part of the birth process.

[715] The birth process is totally normal.

[716] It's all great and everything.

[717] Baby comes out beautiful.

[718] Everything's healthy.

[719] Everyone's happy.

[720] When a chick gives birth to a baby and the baby comes out of her pussy, it tears her taint.

[721] It tears the line between the butthole and the vajayjay.

[722] And they have to sew that shit up.

[723] So the baby comes out, okay?

[724] And the doctor has the baby.

[725] I cut the cord.

[726] Everything's happy.

[727] We take the baby.

[728] The baby goes to the incubator.

[729] where they have to clean it up and all that jazz.

[730] So while this is all happening, the doctor starts stitching.

[731] My wife is holding the baby.

[732] My wife's holding the baby, and she's so happy, but she had an epidural, so she's numb from the waist down.

[733] So she's got this epidural.

[734] She's not feeling shit, and she's happy and smiley, and she's holding the baby.

[735] Meanwhile, her legs are up in the stirrups.

[736] And her vagina is a fucking scene from Hellraiser.

[737] This dude is just hooks and pulling and hooks and pulling.

[738] Just fish hooks.

[739] Just digging into me. And it's not like one or two times.

[740] He's fucking getting in there.

[741] He wants to tighten that shit up for me. Can you pay him extra for a couple more stitches?

[742] No, he's doing...

[743] That's like an old joke between men, you know?

[744] Hey, doctor, here's a 20.

[745] Put a couple extra stitches in there, will ya?

[746] But no, dude.

[747] He is just...

[748] digging in but it was so surreal watching the scene because in on one hand here's my wife with this new baby and she's super excited and there's so much love in the air and the baby's you know crying and nestling up with her and you know and there's tears coming down her face and she's so happy and this huge smile and then three feet below that is a fucking horror movie i mean they're just hooks hooks hooks Yeah, dude.

[749] And then she has to wear a diaper.

[750] Because, you know, it's blood and the whole area is a mess.

[751] So she's got these crazy granny panties on with this big, like, giant super maxi pad diaper type thing stuffed next to her pussy.

[752] Are we doing this now?

[753] Are we going to sit back?

[754] I feel very uncomfortable.

[755] I feel more comfortable now doing this.

[756] Out of perspective.

[757] But you're supposed to, everything I've read, nothing, I don't know, but...

[758] You're supposed to never look, right, as the dude?

[759] Why do you say that?

[760] I looked the first time.

[761] That's going to haunt you.

[762] No, it did not mean.

[763] You don't go below the curtain.

[764] Didn't bother me at all.

[765] Really?

[766] That first time.

[767] No, I mean, it's natural, man. It's part of life.

[768] Now, do those stitches just come out by themselves, or do they have to get taken out?

[769] Yeah, they absorb.

[770] I think it might be that wuss dad who passes out, because even you telling that story, that's why I lean back.

[771] I'm like, yeah.

[772] It's real shit, dude.

[773] Yeah, I might pass out from his story.

[774] I've seen a lot of trauma.

[775] I thought about that the other day, like a fireman or a policeman.

[776] they've seen way more trauma than right you know they they see a lot more crazy shit than i do but compared to the average person i mean almost every week i see somebody getting jacked fucking senseless i'm like like almost every week i'm so oblivious to that like when i see like fights break out at clubs or something like that i mean i always get like all right i want to get the fuck out of here but I never get, like, uncomfortable.

[777] I'm like, I see this all the time.

[778] Like, I'm always seeing broken bones and giant fucking facial gashes and blood everywhere.

[779] So I'm watching this with this clinical disconnect while this guy is digging fucking hooks.

[780] It's like Pinhead.

[781] What was the one where the skin was stretched back?

[782] That's what it's like.

[783] And he's going in there.

[784] And he had to change hooks at one time to get a bigger hook to go deeper because they do levels.

[785] Because the whole taint is like ripped apart.

[786] And the fucking baby's got my head.

[787] Big fucking head baby.

[788] And it just rips.

[789] Just tears open.

[790] Yeah, dude.

[791] It's extreme shit.

[792] And then after the baby's out.

[793] They pull this placenta bag out.

[794] And the placenta bag, this is where the baby, you know, this is the sack where the baby was living.

[795] You saved it to eat.

[796] No, they pull it out, dude.

[797] They pull it out and it's like an alien.

[798] It's like some alien creature.

[799] It's like an octopus was living in your girl's pussy.

[800] Yeah, they cook it up.

[801] Very strange.

[802] Yeah, they fry it with eggs.

[803] They fry it rather like eggs.

[804] I keep doing that, which is probably very annoying for people.

[805] It's what?

[806] Bananas.

[807] What are you talking?

[808] Bananas was something I couldn't stop saying the other day.

[809] Sometimes I get a word in my head like, that is fucking bananas, and it just gets stuck, and it got stuck for the whole two -hour podcast.

[810] So anyway, my advice to you is...

[811] Don't look below the curtain.

[812] You should look.

[813] You should look.

[814] You should know what the fuck is going on.

[815] You've got to be able to handle it as a human, as a man, especially.

[816] Well, there's nothing like that you ever prepared for.

[817] You know, so, I mean, I could probably watch fights all day long.

[818] Well, you have a stepdaughter.

[819] You ever thought about shooting a live one into the missus and making a real one?

[820] We've never not tried, but obviously, you know.

[821] So you have tried?

[822] Yeah, but never not, you know, but.

[823] You've been trying to have a baby this whole time, you with her?

[824] What, five years now.

[825] Wow.

[826] I don't know how, but then I'm like, well, I travel all the time.

[827] And then I hear you're knocking them out, everything.

[828] Are you, are you, no, I don't.

[829] I don't think I travel more than you do.

[830] Are you getting your balls checked or anything?

[831] I got that thing, whatever the number is.

[832] It's like 22 million is average.

[833] I was in the 60s or 70s.

[834] So you're good.

[835] Yeah.

[836] So she's got a broken box.

[837] Or something.

[838] Or I'm never home that...

[839] I don't understand because then I watch like the...

[840] Have you ever fucked her 30 days in a row?

[841] No. Wow.

[842] Welcome to marriage, ladies and gentlemen.

[843] No. All you people out there fucking your girlfriend three times a day?

[844] You're like, man, that wouldn't change if I got married.

[845] Yeah, it would.

[846] Yeah.

[847] You're going to stop fucking your wife.

[848] It's a horrible, horrible revelation.

[849] For me, somebody Wednesday through Sunday, you know, some months are less than others.

[850] Bitch, I'm on the road.

[851] I'm on the road.

[852] This is real talk.

[853] How the fuck do you expect me to get you pregnant when I'm in Mississippi?

[854] How much do you think a constant free sperm?

[855] It's a lot.

[856] You want to freeze your loads?

[857] I'm thinking lately, if everything adds up, why not just free sperm, get your shit snipped, and then not have to worry about it?

[858] What if your fucking sperm gets all thawed out one day and a power outage and you're fucked?

[859] What if you put it in two separate locations, like mom's fridge in Ohio and then some science lab in California?

[860] Okay.

[861] I guess you could do that.

[862] Mom's fridge.

[863] I'd rather freeze themselves.

[864] You're going to make some retard babies, son.

[865] Mom's fridge was shitty.

[866] It wasn't totally frozen.

[867] You're going to have some half -rot loads.

[868] Every time I kiss my kid, he smells like Otter Pops.

[869] I used to have a joke about that.

[870] There was a group that was trying to take, it was called the Second Coming Project.

[871] They were trying to take DNA from the Shroud of Turin.

[872] The Shroud of Turin is supposed to be the cloth that covered Jesus.

[873] And they were going to take DNA from the Shroud of Turin and do a clone of Jesus.

[874] They're going to make a clone and give birth to this clone baby, and that would be the Messiah.

[875] They would bring Jesus back to life with technology.

[876] And I was like, that's all well and good, but the technology behind cloning has not been perfected yet.

[877] I mean, like when they made Dolly the sheep, Dolly's fucking dead, you know?

[878] And there's a lot of things that they make.

[879] They come out all fucked up and they die.

[880] Like, what if they made a retarded Jesus?

[881] Like, that was the joke.

[882] Oh, that's awesome.

[883] It's like if Jesus came back and they gave birth to him, but he had Down syndrome.

[884] Like would they still follow him?

[885] He just wants to go bowling all the time.

[886] And the joke was like, he's the Messiah.

[887] Dude, he's fucking shitting his pants and he's drooling all over something.

[888] It might be a test.

[889] It might be a test.

[890] You need to bring that joke back.

[891] Yeah, instead of turning water into wine, he would turn like cat shit into cookies.

[892] I like the cookies.

[893] Yeah, he drools all over his cookies to make sure nobody else eats them.

[894] He's the Messiah.

[895] That's good.

[896] Instead of crosses, everybody would be wearing helmets.

[897] Look, man, if they really knew for sure that they had something that had the blood of Christ on it and they knew that there was some technology.

[898] I guarantee you there'd be some wackos that would be convinced that that would be the way that Jesus would be coming back.

[899] It's like they were supposed to do it.

[900] And that is how, you know, it's through technology that the Christ manifests itself in this dimension, in this time and era.

[901] There's a lot of people that would believe that.

[902] I'm following some guys on Twitter right now, some creationists.

[903] My fucking God, their arguments are scary.

[904] Just listen to them talk about these.

[905] I'm following dudes that think the earth is 10 ,000 years old and they get in arguments all day with people.

[906] Their entire day consists of arguing with people about the origins of the earth, about how old the earth is and about how complex cells are and how these things would be impossible to create.

[907] Just randomly.

[908] I love people like that.

[909] That's when you jump on and go, yeah, Jesus was an operating system, and you just fuck with him, you know?

[910] Go crazy and just troll with him and act like you're being serious just to piss him off.

[911] I don't act like I'm being serious.

[912] I don't troll with him either.

[913] Most of the time, I just read it.

[914] I like listening to people when they have the real arguments, when they get really angry, like really go back and forth with each other about shit that you don't have a goddamn clue about.

[915] Like, you're telling me that the human eye is too complex, so that's why there's a God?

[916] Like, really?

[917] For real?

[918] That's their argument?

[919] Yeah.

[920] What a nutty -ass fucking argument that it's too complicated for my stupid ass.

[921] I don't understand how it works.

[922] So there must be a God.

[923] Meanwhile, they just created the first artificial cell.

[924] Did you read about that?

[925] They made a synthetic cell.

[926] They made the very first synthetic cell, which is the beginning of us creating life, which is what supposedly God did.

[927] Look, if human beings evolve, if we're at right now, if we live and manage not to blow ourselves up or hit peak oil or whatever, and 100 million years from now we're still here, how much more fucking advanced are we going to be than we are right now?

[928] I mean...

[929] What we can do right now, if we can make an artificial cell right now, if we can put satellites into orbit, transmit data wirelessly across the entire planet instantly.

[930] What kind of insane innovations are we going to have a million years from now?

[931] Ten million years.

[932] A hundred million years.

[933] We'll be undiscernible from gods.

[934] We'll be able to create our own universes.

[935] We'll be able to literally create our own dimensions, our own universes.

[936] There will be scientists that figure out ways to break boundaries through this world and into the next.

[937] Fucking wormholes through space and time.

[938] All that shit is going to happen.

[939] All that shit is on the way.

[940] A hundred percent.

[941] So how the fuck do you know that that's not what...

[942] There's a lot of scientists that...

[943] Absolutely believe that the universe that we live in may very well be just some sort of model that's being run by some super intelligent being.

[944] That we literally, we are running inside like some sort of a system.

[945] Those scientists love smoking pot.

[946] Most scientists do, dude.

[947] Carl Sagan was a huge pothead.

[948] Why would you not be a pothead if you're a scientist?

[949] Scientists are supposed to be sitting around thinking about cool shit.

[950] Why would you not want to be high when you're thinking about cool shit?

[951] If you watch a space documentary, space documentaries are my favorite things to watch.

[952] I love watching space documentaries because they just put it all in perspective.

[953] Sometimes you have to watch them two or three times to really get what they're saying because it's so fucked up.

[954] But when you watch them sober, they're not nearly as interesting.

[955] When you watch them high on weed, weed.

[956] You ever tried it on weed?

[957] If you do it on smoking pot and watch his fake documentaries, Carl Sagan used to smoke weed every fucking day.

[958] Carl Sagan's thing was he would smoke pot and that's where he would get his ideas from.

[959] I mean, he wrote about my signature on the broken board.

[960] It was all Carl Sagan.

[961] Is that you?

[962] Yeah, my problem though with watching these documentaries, like you just had me watch a documentary the other day.

[963] Yes, Collapse.

[964] Collapse.

[965] And my problem with these documentaries is it just takes one little thing for me to just get thrown off the tracks and believe in belief, you know?

[966] Well, you don't have to believe in documentaries.

[967] I don't believe most of the documentaries I listen to or watch.

[968] What I do is I just try to see even if this guy is wrong about a lot of shit, does he have points?

[969] Because I know a lot of people who are wrong about a lot of shit.

[970] But every now and then they'll say something.

[971] Okay, here's a perfect example.

[972] Alex Jones.

[973] Alex Jones is not right all the time.

[974] He's just not.

[975] Some of the stuff that he believes is fucking crazy, and I don't understand it.

[976] I listen to him, and I see the connections that he's making when he says that he's got proof.

[977] We have the documents!

[978] And Alex is a friend of mine, and I love the guy.

[979] But I listen to his connections, and I'm like, this is illogical.

[980] You want to come to this conclusion, and that's how you found it.

[981] But every now and then...

[982] more than every now and then, a lot, he'll say shit that I know is right.

[983] I mean, it's just facts.

[984] Yeah, but the problem is a lot of these people are using how they present these facts, quote unquote, is almost like a used car salesman trying to sell you jelly beans.

[985] It's like this guy last night, he was saying things.

[986] He's going to use car sales in 1940.

[987] Yeah.

[988] Jelly bean little boy, that car salesman is trying to fuck you.

[989] He ain't selling you a car, buddy.

[990] I was having a problem with the documentary I watched last night because he was saying a lot of things.

[991] I'm like, that really true?

[992] Like how he said it, I was kind of like, he said that weird.

[993] Does that mean it's not true or not?

[994] Okay, like what things?

[995] And then I researched it last night, and he actually, that's known for that guy, for saying things like a news report had something on about, say, oil.

[996] Then he would say, even Fox News has reported on it.

[997] And how he's saying it, it gives you the impression that they were right.

[998] about what they reported on, but they're not.

[999] They just reported on it.

[1000] But he says it so fast, kind of like a used car salesman, that you're kind of just subconsciously going, oh, no, the news reported on it, you know?

[1001] He's a very compelling speaker.

[1002] And what we're talking about is the Michael Rupert movie, and it's called Collapse.

[1003] And what it's all about, it's about peak oil, and it's all about how the world is going to fall apart because they're going to run out of oil, and we'll have no way to get goods to people and groceries and shit, and there'll be no way to get around.

[1004] We can't make...

[1005] Manufacture anything because everything is made with plastic.

[1006] And another thing like – so I was thinking this the whole time while I'm watching the documentary.

[1007] Then he said something I blatantly knew he was lying on.

[1008] And I'm like – You blatantly knew?

[1009] Blatantly knew.

[1010] He was blatantly lying.

[1011] If I put that word in front of it, it sounds more important.

[1012] So he said that cell phone companies have been slipping on maintenance of their towers at an all -time high and that all the cell phone towers are not getting maintenance.

[1013] Did he say that?

[1014] Yes.

[1015] And that pretty soon we are going to have even worse cell phone coverage.

[1016] I know for a fact that right now, AT &T, Verizon, everything are so on top of their game when it comes to cell phone towers and maintenance and repairs and building their systems up at the highest they've ever been in.

[1017] And I have an app on my iPhone called AT &T Mark the Spot.

[1018] Every time I get a dropped call or I have problems with my service, it automatically geotags the location that you're at and it sends it to AT &T so they have it on their file so they know where.

[1019] the towers are doing bad.

[1020] I've been doing that ever since the app came out.

[1021] The other day, they sent me an email or a text message out of the blue going, hey, just so you know, we've been getting all your reports, and thank you.

[1022] Because of your reports, we've decided to build a new tower by your house.

[1023] It will be in effect in the next two months.

[1024] Thank you for continuing to use this application.

[1025] It really helps us out a lot.

[1026] And so right there, I can tell you right now, that's something they didn't do five years ago on AT &T's network.

[1027] I was having bad service there five years ago.

[1028] I'm screwed.

[1029] I know for a fact that that statement alone that he made in that documentary was bullshit.

[1030] And so that means everything else that he's doing when he's crying and petting his dog and acting like some kind of faggot.

[1031] I know.

[1032] I can't believe anything that guy says.

[1033] Well, it gets even better.

[1034] Here's where it gets better.

[1035] First of all.

[1036] Why are you gay if you pet your dog?

[1037] First of all.

[1038] He lost a sexual harassment suit, $125 ,000 and whatever back wages.

[1039] So it wanted to be like $127 ,000 from some woman who was working for him.

[1040] He made a sexual advance and showed up at the door in his underwear.

[1041] That's awesome.

[1042] That was like his move.

[1043] It's real tough.

[1044] So she freaked out and she's like, I don't want any part of this.

[1045] So she got rid of him or she told him she's not going to fuck him and he fired her.

[1046] And so she sued and she won.

[1047] She won $125 ,000.

[1048] So this guy's, you know, fucked financially because of that.

[1049] But the type of person that does that, that first of all, tries to fuck their employees at like 50 something years old.

[1050] This ain't a 20 year old kid.

[1051] It's just like taking a wild chance.

[1052] Somebody gives him some shitty advice.

[1053] Like, maybe you should just whip your dick out.

[1054] Really?

[1055] You sure?

[1056] I've given people that advice before, and you fucking hear it from their friends, you know, the next day.

[1057] Dude, what the fuck?

[1058] You told me to pull my dick out.

[1059] She fucking screamed and called the cops.

[1060] I'm like, whoa, you got to know when to pull your dick out.

[1061] You can't just pull it out with everybody, you crazy fuck.

[1062] That was a move that my roommates in college always did.

[1063] I never had the guts to do it, but they said if the girl won't hook up with you, like you're making out, you're on the thing.

[1064] Just pull it out and start beating off?

[1065] Yeah, and that she's going to do two things.

[1066] She's either going to, one, going to help you.

[1067] or two, be so offended and leave, but...

[1068] You're kind of swinging for that other 50 % of the time.

[1069] You've got to take a chance.

[1070] You've got to know who you're taking the chance with, though, right?

[1071] And you don't do it with a chick who's fucking working for you like this crazy asshole.

[1072] Another thing about the movie that drove me nuts was him talking about how he just likes to go on long walks with his dogs.

[1073] Like, dude, you just talked about the end of fucking civilization.

[1074] People are going to starve to death for an hour and a half.

[1075] While you're smoking cigarettes.

[1076] Yeah, while you're smoking cigarettes like a retard.

[1077] That's another thing.

[1078] I was going to get into that, too.

[1079] Look, you might be intelligent and smoke.

[1080] cigarettes, but that is a fucking stupid thing to do.

[1081] Smoking cigarettes is something that everyone with a brain should figure out.

[1082] Especially when you're talking about the end of the world shit.

[1083] You're talking about the end of civilization.

[1084] People are going to suffer.

[1085] Meanwhile, dude, you're going to rot out from the inside real soon.

[1086] You're in your 50s and you're fucking chain smoking while you talk.

[1087] You're giving this doom and gloom lecture and he's got his dog comes over to him.

[1088] And he's like, I just like to go on walks with my dog.

[1089] I'm like, this motherfucker is like a character in a movie.

[1090] He's like a character in a Jack London book.

[1091] You know, he's like the man who knows about it.

[1092] And all he does, he goes on walks.

[1093] He's not blogging about it anymore.

[1094] He's not writing.

[1095] He's just preparing for the collapse.

[1096] So I saw that and I'm like, this guy is all doom and gloom and has a vested interest.

[1097] The other thing that I didn't like is how much pride he took in being right about past things that fucked up.

[1098] Oh, we were so right.

[1099] We so nailed it.

[1100] Listen, douchebag, a lot of people saw the fucking housing bubble, asshole.

[1101] A lot of people saw that there was going to be an economic collapse.

[1102] You're not the only person that...

[1103] predicted the fucking stock market was going to crash because of an overinflated housing market, because of all the fucking the interest that's out there right now that people can't pay off and crazy fucking credit card debt and all sorts of bullshit that's going on in Wall Street.

[1104] A lot of people knew that was happening.

[1105] Just imagine the shit they cut from that interview.

[1106] There was probably one time where he started taking off his clothes and asking for massages from the camera guy and stuff.

[1107] There was probably a ton of shit that he was saying.

[1108] You think, Brian?

[1109] You think?

[1110] You're just getting out of line.

[1111] I'm just saying that guy was – I just could not believe a word that dude was saying.

[1112] There's something about it.

[1113] There's something about it.

[1114] So I go on.

[1115] I go, okay, now I have to find out.

[1116] Is peak oil a real thing?

[1117] Is there some debate of whether peak oil is a real thing?

[1118] So I go online and I see this geologist has a thing on TED.

[1119] Peak oil, by the way, for what people don't know, peak oil is the point of oil where it's the top, like the highest amount of oil we'll ever have in this country or in the world.

[1120] So once we're at the top – Production reaches a peak.

[1121] peak and then it declines.

[1122] So there will be less and less oil and they'll get to a point eventually where we'll run out of oil.

[1123] Until we can make oil.

[1124] Yes.

[1125] Well, what this guy was saying in the TED Talk, and TED, if you don't know, I don't remember what the acronym TED stands for, but the TED Talks Online are all these like super intelligent genius dudes who talk fucking phenomenal.

[1126] They get lost on there.

[1127] And they're all talking about different subjects, and one of them last night was a guy who was talking about oil and the fucking trillions and trillions of barrels of oil that we have discovered all over the world and that geologists know exactly where it is and that we just have to figure out ways to get it from all these different places.

[1128] So I'm listening to this guy, and he's like, we're not going to run out of oil.

[1129] What we're going to do is eventually we're going to come up with something that can replace oil.

[1130] And his argument was kind of weird, too.

[1131] He said the Stone Age did not end because we ran out of stones.

[1132] Yeah.

[1133] I thought that was kind of...

[1134] Okay, yeah, I see what you're saying, but that's fucking dumb.

[1135] Of course, stones don't power anything, stupid.

[1136] You know what I'm saying?

[1137] Like stones using to make things.

[1138] Okay, yeah, I see your point.

[1139] But look, there's a lot more complicated scenario going on.

[1140] We require oil for everything, for fucking food.

[1141] We require oil for vitamins.

[1142] We require oil for medicine.

[1143] To a point, but also you're getting a lot of that from that drama queen.

[1144] No, no, no, no, no. You don't need oil.

[1145] Oh, Brian.

[1146] Yeah, you do.

[1147] What the fuck is going to power the tractors?

[1148] What the fuck is going to get the seat to you?

[1149] I'm in my backyard.

[1150] Planting a seed.

[1151] Okay.

[1152] You're going to go get seeds somewhere.

[1153] Are you going to get on a fucking donkey and travel somewhere?

[1154] You have to take into account shipping.

[1155] You have to take into account travel.

[1156] You have to take into account where does everything you buy come from and what is everything you're buying made out of.

[1157] And the seeds you're going to buy most likely are going to be in some fucking packaging.

[1158] Even if it's paper, it's going to have paint on the package.

[1159] That paint is going to be made out of oil.

[1160] All right.

[1161] To a point.

[1162] But what if you have a – That's a big point, dude.

[1163] No, no. We need oil for everything.

[1164] Also a point is oil is gone today.

[1165] All right.

[1166] No oil left.

[1167] All right.

[1168] I also could just go to my mom and go, hey, mom, do you have a seed?

[1169] Yeah, I have a whole box of seeds over there.

[1170] Can I have them?

[1171] Okay.

[1172] Let me take these seeds to my backyard and plant.

[1173] And how the fuck are you going to get to your mom's house in Ohio if you don't have any oil?

[1174] I'm just saying if she lived next to me. Well, what if she does to me?

[1175] Start to death because you got no oil, son.

[1176] You get what I said.

[1177] No, you're ridiculous.

[1178] All right, then I jump on a bicycle.

[1179] I jump on a bicycle and go to my mom's house.

[1180] And go to Ohio, right.

[1181] And what do you think makes the tires on that bicycle?

[1182] It takes me five months.

[1183] What makes the tires on that bicycle?

[1184] It doesn't matter.

[1185] I already got my tires.

[1186] I already got my tires right now.

[1187] What if they're blown out?

[1188] My story, there's no more tires left and they're blown out.

[1189] Then I'll use my feet and I'll walk there.

[1190] It's going to take two years, but I'll get some fucking seeds from my mom.

[1191] You're going to starve to death because there's going to be no food because no one's going to travel to get that food to you with trucks.

[1192] And then I'll just use ethanol.

[1193] Well, that's the problem.

[1194] It's his argument about ethanol is that it takes more energy to create ethanol than you get out of ethanol.

[1195] Yeah, it says one report out of 5 ,000 reports.

[1196] Well, you didn't research that.

[1197] Yes, I did.

[1198] I went on last night to Wikipedia because I researched this fucking...

[1199] Wikipedia is completely...

[1200] I was up until 5 a .m. last night researching this dumbass from this stupid movie.

[1201] My Wikipedia says...

[1202] You think Michael Rupert is a dumbass?

[1203] Is that official on the record?

[1204] He's being evicted in his own apartment.

[1205] I know retards that are not getting evicted from their own apartment.

[1206] And this guy, I'm supposed to believe in, he's getting evicted?

[1207] They said, during the filming of this movie, he was getting evicted.

[1208] Oh, really?

[1209] You're getting evicted?

[1210] Wow.

[1211] My sister can't even get evicted.

[1212] And she makes like...

[1213] Five bucks a day, you know?

[1214] Yeah, but he's not making any money.

[1215] He's trying to war in the world.

[1216] He's out there saying the sky's falling.

[1217] The sky's falling.

[1218] Isn't this a second DVD he's making?

[1219] Doesn't he have a website?

[1220] Isn't he going nationwide and having speeches at Holiday Inns?

[1221] Holiday Inns?

[1222] Where are you coming from?

[1223] I mean, doesn't he have like big conferences that he does speak speeches at?

[1224] He's doing them now because of the movie.

[1225] The movie's getting a lot of attention.

[1226] Yeah, but before that, he did that too.

[1227] Yeah, but nobody was paying attention to him back then.

[1228] I think Brian has an oil company in his back pocket.

[1229] I just don't like this guy.

[1230] Does not like this guy.

[1231] I don't like this guy.

[1232] Well, I think for sure.

[1233] Dude, he ratted out to our country, man. What?

[1234] What did you say?

[1235] I'm just kidding.

[1236] What did you say, though?

[1237] He ratted out our country.

[1238] Ratted out our country.

[1239] He's the one that ratted out the CIA for doing drugs.

[1240] Yeah, he was an LAPD officer, and he busted the CIA, Michael Rupert, and he busted the CIA delivering drugs to the poor neighborhoods, which is fucking absolutely true, which is another thing, like we were talking about, like the Alex Jones thing, where there's a guy who's right about some shit.

[1241] And he's right about that.

[1242] He was right about the CIA delivering drugs into these bad neighborhoods and selling drugs.

[1243] I mean, that was like a rumor back then, but that shit has been proven now.

[1244] I mean, there's so many different cases where so many different, like Barry Seals in Mena, Arkansas, that's a good one.

[1245] There's people who are pilots that have come clean about it.

[1246] There's the CIA drug plane that crashed in Mexico last year with four tons of cocaine in it.

[1247] I mean, it's...

[1248] It's a lot of fucking money, man. It's a lot of money.

[1249] And if they're willing to go places and kill people, you don't think they're willing to sell drugs?

[1250] That's ridiculous.

[1251] The people that are in charge of the government, the people at the highest levels of government have access to all sorts of shit that we don't.

[1252] And the fact that there's billions and billions of dollars to be made in drugs and that drugs, those drugs are going to get sold anyway.

[1253] Why wouldn't they sell them?

[1254] So he's right about that.

[1255] He's definitely right about that.

[1256] But this peak oil thing, man, he's all doom and gloom and the end of the world and there's nothing that's going to possibly replace it.

[1257] Can you fucking say that?

[1258] Can you say that?

[1259] Yeah, well, that guy in that TED conference was talking about that we used to use wood, but then we used phone technology.

[1260] Yeah, you saw the same one.

[1261] Yeah, so that wood, now there used to be a way for us to have energy.

[1262] Now that's gone, and now we move to this.

[1263] Right.

[1264] And then we learn from that, and then we move on to the next thing.

[1265] So he was saying that, what, natural gas and some other type of stuff that… The problem is, man, we make so much shit with oil.

[1266] It's fucking insane.

[1267] Everything in this room is made with oil.

[1268] Your goddamn computer's made with oil.

[1269] Yeah, but isn't everything that's made with oil, isn't there a way to make it not with oil for the most part?

[1270] I don't know.

[1271] I think there has to be.

[1272] There has to be, like, well, yes, making with oil is the best way, but you can also make it with corn.

[1273] Well, maybe, but, I mean, think about all the oil that's coming out in the Gulf right now.

[1274] 75 ,000 barrels a day.

[1275] I don't know how many gallons is that.

[1276] How many gallons is 75 ,000 barrels?

[1277] Fucking insane.

[1278] Insane amounts.

[1279] Whatever the fuck it is.

[1280] 100 ,000.

[1281] Who the fuck knows?

[1282] So 75 ,000 to 100 ,000 gallons a day or barrels a day is leaking out into the Gulf.

[1283] People are saying you can make plastic with hemp.

[1284] Yeah, you can.

[1285] I posted a thing today on my Twitter about a hemp car from 1941 from Henry Ford.

[1286] But I don't know if you can make all the same shit that you can make with oil.

[1287] My point is that the amount of oil that's coming out just in that one area in the Gulf is insane.

[1288] Think about how long it would take you to grow that much hemp to make oil out of it.

[1289] I mean, it's fucking incredible.

[1290] I mean, you would have to have a farm the size of the moon.

[1291] You know what I mean?

[1292] I mean, this shit is just pouring out into the ocean.

[1293] There's not enough weed to do that in the whole world.

[1294] Not yet.

[1295] How are you going to grow it?

[1296] You're going to have to have skyscrapers, sizes of 100 football fields, 100 stories high, and each floor is hydroponics.

[1297] I know in Detroit, they're thinking about doing that urban farming.

[1298] There's so many areas of Detroit that there's no homes anymore.

[1299] Yeah, but that's just dirt.

[1300] I'm talking about hydroponic buildings.

[1301] I'm talking about gigantic fucking buildings, and even that would not be enough weed.

[1302] I mean, think about the oil that's coming out of the ground right now.

[1303] That's an incredible amount of oil.

[1304] When you go and you drive down the PCH, you see those offshore oil rigs, and you think about how many of them must be out there in the world, how many different rigs.

[1305] When you take that drive from La Cienega to the airport, you know that drive?

[1306] You see those oil rigs?

[1307] You don't think about those until some shit happens.

[1308] And you go, how many of those are out there?

[1309] How many of them are in Texas?

[1310] What is those little things?

[1311] Those things don't seem like they do anything.

[1312] They don't seem like they do anything, says the scientist.

[1313] There's like one little rackety one that looks like an old farmer put up there a long time ago.

[1314] That statement is how Michael Rupert is going to discredit you for discrediting him.

[1315] This fool doesn't even know that those things pump out thousands of barrels of gallons of oil a day.

[1316] So Joe, I got an email from somebody from China that wanted us to talk about the Foxconn suicides.

[1317] And if you knew anything about that.

[1318] The Foxconn suicides?

[1319] Yeah, there's a huge company in China that makes – called Foxconn.

[1320] And they make everything like keyboard mice.

[1321] They make a lot like iPods, iPhones.

[1322] They're the ones that put together.

[1323] all the computers and they're just super cheap help and foxconn i think it i want to say it's 500 000 employees work at it and they all live there and they just work non -stop i mean they're talking they wake up work and go to bed and i think they only get like eight hours sleep And they go right back to work.

[1324] And anyways, in the last year, I want to say, or with this year alone, there's already been 11 suicides, I think it was, and 30 attempted suicides.

[1325] Holy shit.

[1326] How many employees?

[1327] I don't know how many, but it's a lot of employees.

[1328] I want to say 500 ,000.

[1329] A lot of people trying to kill themselves at work.

[1330] I'm not sure.

[1331] There's been people – You might want to have a pizza party or something on a Friday.

[1332] You have that many people at your company trying to kill themselves.

[1333] Maybe Friday is casual fun day.

[1334] Well, that's the thing about when it comes to cheap products and cheap electronics.

[1335] I mean there's really only one way to get a fucking netbook for 700 bucks.

[1336] And that way is some dude has to eat rice out of a little bowl and sleep in a box.

[1337] and he has to wake up to a whip and fucking do it all over again every day of the week, and he doesn't get any days off.

[1338] I mean, that's the only way to make that shit.

[1339] You can't make that shit with Union American guys from Detroit.

[1340] It's going to take too much time.

[1341] It's going to cost too much money.

[1342] One of the reasons why you can get a netbook for $600 or however, I think they're like $500, right?

[1343] Yeah, you can get them for $299 up.

[1344] Really?

[1345] Yeah.

[1346] That's incredible.

[1347] You can get a little fucking computer for $299.

[1348] Yeah, but I mean when you get on YouTube, you're like, oh, that's why it's $299.

[1349] Yeah, but so what, dude?

[1350] Think about what you could get just a few hundred for a few hundred dollars a couple years ago.

[1351] Yeah.

[1352] I mean that's a pretty incredible piece of technology for $300.

[1353] I can't believe how much stuff you can't buy here.

[1354] I was trying to find this company that makes scissors.

[1355] You know those orange -handled junk drawer scissors that everybody has?

[1356] Right.

[1357] I was trying to find a U .S.-based company.

[1358] to make these scissors.

[1359] Right.

[1360] I couldn't do it.

[1361] I've probably, I've given up Googling it and trying to find scissors manufacturers and all this stuff.

[1362] It's like, it's a huge, and it's just a pair of scissors.

[1363] You just go to Michael's, you gotta go to Arts and Crafts.

[1364] Yeah.

[1365] Those are actually Arts and Crafts scissors.

[1366] Just go to Michael's.

[1367] Get on Amazon .com.

[1368] No, I know I can buy them.

[1369] I want to find a place that will produce them for me. Dude, you just went, yeah, yeah.

[1370] You know what I mean?

[1371] Like, different, not just purchase them.

[1372] You just went to the wrong store, dude.

[1373] We're talking about people fucking dying.

[1374] I see what he's saying.

[1375] He's saying he wants to find a manufacturer.

[1376] No, but I'm saying I can't even find that here that everyone I found is overseas.

[1377] No one has time here to be making scissors.

[1378] How are we going to cut the trees?

[1379] Going to war and plugging up that hole in the gulf that's pumping out oil.

[1380] We ain't got enough scissors, mate.

[1381] Little faggy scissors with the rounded tips, you little pussy.

[1382] So it's crazy about this Foxconn thing.

[1383] Dude, that's insane.

[1384] The more I looked into it, I said, for one thing, they only get 900 Chinese yen per month, which is about $130.

[1385] What?

[1386] And this is working nonstop.

[1387] Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[1388] They get $130 a month?

[1389] A month, yeah.

[1390] Holy shit.

[1391] I didn't know about this.

[1392] How was I not aware of all this stuff?

[1393] And these guys are employed.

[1394] Apple employs them.

[1395] Sony employs them.

[1396] All the big guys.

[1397] Actually, I don't want to say Sony does because I'm not 100 % sure.

[1398] But Apple does.

[1399] But I know for sure that Apple does.

[1400] Wow.

[1401] And guards beating employees.

[1402] There's all these...

[1403] stories about this place where they have live video of like the guards at this place beating up the employees on tape.

[1404] Dude, China's a motherfucker, dude.

[1405] Yeah.

[1406] China is a motherfucker.

[1407] There's a billion people there.

[1408] And the bottom line about human beings is once you get into really large numbers of us, we lose our appreciation for each other.

[1409] I mean, it's just, that's how it is with rats.

[1410] That's how it is with money.

[1411] I mean, if you have a lot of money, you fucking, you drop a dollar, you don't give a shit about it.

[1412] But you have $5, you drop a dollar, that dollar.

[1413] important to you right you know and when when there's too many goddamn people and you get to a point where there's a billion people there's not enough food and you're literally regulating how many children people can have because it's so overpopulated you know china has a billion people there was a billion people in the entire fucking world up until like a hundred years ago you know do you know how nutty that is Just a couple hundred years ago, there was no more than a billion in the whole fucking world.

[1414] Now they're all in China.

[1415] And who knows what the real number is, man?

[1416] We don't really know what the real number in America is.

[1417] How difficult is it to take a census of a billion people?

[1418] By the way, the census guy hid in his car and stalked my house.

[1419] What?

[1420] A couple weeks ago, we were talking about the census.

[1421] Remember this?

[1422] I asked you, do I have to do this?

[1423] Right.

[1424] I came home the other night and there was this guy outside of my house looking sketchy as fuck.

[1425] And then I just kind of like get in the house, get in the house, get in the house.

[1426] And then later that night, maybe four hours later, I see him sitting in his car outside of my house.

[1427] I'm like, there's that same guy.

[1428] And so I'm like, okay, I'm just walking to my car.

[1429] And suddenly he gets out of his car and looks at me and he gets back in his car because I got in my car.

[1430] Then I came back home.

[1431] He was still there.

[1432] I go in my house.

[1433] He rings my doorbell.

[1434] He was from the census.

[1435] And did you ask him, hey, why the fuck were you sitting in front of my house all day?

[1436] I didn't.

[1437] I just answered his questions, and he showed me his census badge.

[1438] How often are you gone?

[1439] What's a good time about his day?

[1440] Yeah, he showed me his census badge, and I was asking all these crazy questions about people that lived here April 1st, who lived here April 1st.

[1441] I'm like, actually, no one.

[1442] And then they're like, are you okay?

[1443] But he kind of made me feel like I was in trouble.

[1444] Like you were in trouble?

[1445] But I wasn't.

[1446] How ridiculous is that?

[1447] Do they have a right to interview you?

[1448] Yeah, it's the law.

[1449] It's the law.

[1450] The law is they have a right to interview you and ask you all these questions.

[1451] At their convenience?

[1452] I don't know, but he was outside my house for a long time.

[1453] You should have to make a fucking appointment.

[1454] You shouldn't be able to ring your doorbell and say, I got shit to do, dude.

[1455] You want to give me your email address?

[1456] I'll call you.

[1457] Pretty freaky.

[1458] Give me your email address and I'll call you.

[1459] I think they're like headhunters now.

[1460] I think in California the response was so bad that they actually hired like headhunters, like private eye guys to get the – I know.

[1461] I filled mine out and then I got one a month later saying, sorry, you're part of the section of census that we lost.

[1462] Can you redo it?

[1463] So they lost like – I filled out one twice.

[1464] Or some guy trying to steal my identity and just thought he'd give it.

[1465] Anything government, man. Anything with the government.

[1466] The problem with it is you've got a bunch of people for the most part that are working for the government that don't want to be there.

[1467] That's the fucking problem with any of those jobs.

[1468] This is even worse because I valeted the other day.

[1469] I went to the Saddle Ranch on Sunset.

[1470] And I valeted and I just got in the mail a parking ticket.

[1471] When they took my car, they parked it in a red zone, got a ticket, took the ticket off the car.

[1472] I got a ticket.

[1473] I would never have known about it.

[1474] And I owe like $130 now.

[1475] Wow.

[1476] You should go there.

[1477] Well, I told the Saddle Ranch and they're like, we don't own that valet.

[1478] And I called the valet guy and they're like, we don't do that.

[1479] And I'm like, ah.

[1480] So I filed out this whole thing with the state, like a, like a, Hey, I didn't do this report.

[1481] It's one of the most annoying.

[1482] Well, you're still responsible.

[1483] One of the most annoying and irritating things about LA is that you got a valet everywhere.

[1484] I don't like that shit at all.

[1485] Have some dude just farting in your car and rifling through your drawers.

[1486] You ever had anything come up missing?

[1487] All the time.

[1488] All the time.

[1489] All the time.

[1490] Yeah.

[1491] I don't, I, if I can avoid valeting, I never keep shit in my car anymore.

[1492] I don't have a goddamn thing in there.

[1493] I have gum.

[1494] You want to steal my gum?

[1495] Go steal my gum.

[1496] They always take quarters.

[1497] They always take quarters.

[1498] Like, if I have quarters, dimes, and nickels, I'll go back in and the quarters are all gone.

[1499] Do you ask them?

[1500] No. I stopped even bothering.

[1501] Wow, you just take it in the ass, man. Where's the car cams?

[1502] Don't they have where we can just set it and we'll take it to some valets and then we'll sue them for stealing our stuff?

[1503] What are you, a fucking inside edition reporter?

[1504] Yeah, yeah.

[1505] We'll do our own little and then Chris Matthew, whatever his name is, can pop up out of the back.

[1506] Can I ask you why you have those quarters in your hand?

[1507] What?

[1508] I was just going to help a kid.

[1509] Actually, they did it.

[1510] There's a really cool video of you.

[1511] Google NBC Los Angeles valet car, something like that.

[1512] There's a really cool report they did.

[1513] They busted people?

[1514] Oh, dude.

[1515] It was like seven out of ten of them.

[1516] They took things.

[1517] Yeah, yeah.

[1518] It happens all the time.

[1519] I'd watch that show.

[1520] I watched some bait car show the other day where they have this car that they set up to let people steal.

[1521] And then once they steal it, they're driving, it's all cammed, and then the guy can shut down the car as they're driving and lock the guys in.

[1522] I've seen that.

[1523] Yeah, but do that with valets.

[1524] That would be awesome.

[1525] How about just have a fucking parking lot?

[1526] Most of the places where you go to, you don't have fucking valet parking everywhere.

[1527] It's just LA is lacking in space, but everyone drives.

[1528] It's not like New York where they're lacking in space, but you take a cab or a subway or whatever.

[1529] No one drives in New York.

[1530] Very few people do.

[1531] Most of the people, they get around other ways.

[1532] But in LA, everybody fucking drives, but there's still the same space problem.

[1533] You can't have an expensive restaurant and a giant parking structure there.

[1534] It's too much money.

[1535] I avoid places if I can't park my car.

[1536] I just don't go there.

[1537] It's very rare.

[1538] It has to be a meeting that I have to go to or I have to valet.

[1539] And then I'm like, motherfucker.

[1540] I'll park blocks away and walk just so someone doesn't have to sit in my fucking car, touch my shit.

[1541] I went in my car once and there was Mexican music playing.

[1542] I'm like, you motherfucker.

[1543] You found a Mexican station.

[1544] He went right to, I mean, I had it on satellite radio.

[1545] He switched it to AM, went right to his Mexican station.

[1546] How long is he driving for?

[1547] You know what I mean?

[1548] Yeah, what the fuck?

[1549] Exactly.

[1550] That's a terrible part about living in LA.

[1551] I remember there was a comedy club I used to work out where you'd have to valet, and every time I'd come back, I'd notice my gas was completely gone, and it was in Michigan.

[1552] So what the guy would do...

[1553] He'd go, well, he's just the emcee.

[1554] They would sit in my car throughout the whole show.

[1555] And keep warm?

[1556] Put the heat on.

[1557] Wow.

[1558] And burn up all the gas.

[1559] And then when the show was over, then they'd give me my car back.

[1560] Wow.

[1561] Did you say something to him?

[1562] I said something to the owner or whatever.

[1563] I remember the guy who owned the place gave me $10 and goes, quit your whining.

[1564] Gave me $10.

[1565] Quit your whining?

[1566] I was probably about 19 years old.

[1567] Yeah.

[1568] Quit your whining.

[1569] I kept your car running.

[1570] I've been farting in your car.

[1571] I've been sitting here doing whatever.

[1572] Smoking cigarettes.

[1573] Ugh.

[1574] Yeah, probably, you know, back then.

[1575] I'm sure.

[1576] And the other problem is if you have a nice car and you drop your shit off at a valet, look, they, you know, the people that are working in valets, they don't have nice shit, you know, and you have this, I mean, they're working, they're poor.

[1577] They're either...

[1578] College kids that are trying to get by or they're immigrants that are probably illegally.

[1579] And they don't have enough money to afford a BMW or whatever the fuck you have, Mercedes or something like that.

[1580] So when they get in this car, they almost feel like, who the fuck are you to have this?

[1581] There's a lot of people that have that attitude.

[1582] A lot of poor people that have that attitude.

[1583] Why the fuck do you deserve this attitude?

[1584] I remember when I was a kid, this guy keyed this car.

[1585] And I go, why the fuck did you key that car?

[1586] It was like a nice car.

[1587] And he goes, who gives a fuck?

[1588] Guy's a rich asshole.

[1589] I'm like, the guy's a rich asshole because he has a nice car.

[1590] Like, what a weird attitude.

[1591] And that's an attitude a lot of people share.

[1592] There's a big, that mentality of like, you know, screw the rich or the rich suck or blah, blah, blah.

[1593] You're like, and then I always think, yeah, screw those guys for making goals, setting outcomes for themselves, getting educations.

[1594] I had a guy insult me, call me a rich asshole once.

[1595] Yeah, but I was driving a fucking suburban.

[1596] It wasn't even like a rich car.

[1597] It was just a white suburban.

[1598] And the guy cut me off and somehow or another he yelled something out the window and I yelled something, go fuck yourself.

[1599] And he goes, fuck you, you fucking rich asshole.

[1600] Like that was his – That was his thing.

[1601] That was a part of his insult that I was rich.

[1602] Yeah.

[1603] What about when somebody ran into your car recently and they were like, come on, you have a lot of money?

[1604] Oh, yeah.

[1605] Yeah, I paid for that, dude.

[1606] That girl was broke.

[1607] But the only reason – The reason why I did it was because she was an assistant to someone that I know who's an executive.

[1608] Yeah, but the fact that she even said that.

[1609] Yeah, she goes, you're not even going to miss it.

[1610] I'm like, this is going to cost like $3 ,000 to fix.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] But she didn't have insurance.

[1613] It was a fucking disaster.

[1614] And she was drunk.

[1615] I should have got her arrested, but I'm like, you shouldn't be driving drunk, you fucking dumb slut.

[1616] Yeah.

[1617] By the way, Joe, I say things like that to people too, by the way.

[1618] When they hit your car, you can call them dumb sluts.

[1619] Kick -Ass was one of the best movies I've ever seen.

[1620] Told you.

[1621] God, I love that movie.

[1622] Fucking phenomenal.

[1623] That little girl.

[1624] I just want to, like, I love how in the movie they actually even said something like it.

[1625] I like how you went from someone scratches up your car to random movie reviews by Brian Redband.

[1626] I was just thinking of her.

[1627] I haven't had macaroni and cheese in a while.

[1628] Out of nowhere.

[1629] That's what kind of tight ship we run over here.

[1630] We stay on subject.

[1631] Yeah, if you try to follow a mind map of the subjects that we cover on this fucking thing.

[1632] A stoner's paradise of rambles.

[1633] But I had a guy like that say something about being rich or whatever.

[1634] And I think a lot of people forget.

[1635] Me, for a comic, I was doing stand -up for...

[1636] what, 15, 16 years before I made any real money?

[1637] It's a dumb insult.

[1638] I did, yeah.

[1639] It's a dumb insult.

[1640] You're successful at the game of money.

[1641] That's a dumb insult.

[1642] You fucking successful winner at the game of money.

[1643] It's the dumbest insult of all time because that's all it is.

[1644] And you might be successful at the game of money because somebody gave you a bunch of chips.

[1645] You might have been born rich or you might have made it yourself.

[1646] But either way, what the fuck kind of insult is that?

[1647] And what the fuck is it with people when they don't have it and other people do?

[1648] I remember Jimmy Kimmel was talking to this lady once.

[1649] He was on Larry King Live and he was talking to this woman who had a...

[1650] Some sort of a service where they would give you a map of the stars' houses.

[1651] And she would like – oh, it was a stalker website.

[1652] That's what it was.

[1653] And she would like – they would put up updates like this guy is here and this guy is there.

[1654] And you could like find out where – Gawker Stalker.

[1655] Is that what it is?

[1656] Gawker .com.

[1657] Don't give her any advertising.

[1658] Fuck that cunt.

[1659] Anyway, she was on, and he said, don't you think that this is kind of dangerous?

[1660] Like, you're giving stalkers the current whereabouts of all these people?

[1661] And she goes, oh, well, they'll be able to cry themselves asleep in piles of money.

[1662] That was her response to it.

[1663] Like, she didn't feel responsible, even though she's putting these people in harm's danger because they have money.

[1664] And she thought it was a valid thing to say.

[1665] They'll be able to cry themselves to sleep in their piles of money.

[1666] Like, wow.

[1667] What a weird way of looking at the world.

[1668] Yeah, I'm going to put you in danger.

[1669] But you can deal with it.

[1670] Yeah, you can deal with it.

[1671] You've got money.

[1672] Whoa, really?

[1673] And she felt like that's a valid explanation.

[1674] She felt like...

[1675] You know, there's a lot of angry people when it comes to celebrities.

[1676] Look at Lindsay Lohan and all this shit.

[1677] If that happened to anybody else, they would be in jail.

[1678] They love Lindsay.

[1679] You hung out with her.

[1680] You know, that whole thing.

[1681] She didn't go to jail.

[1682] She has to wear this little bracelet, you know, even though she's lying about a passport, even though she's lying about all this shit.

[1683] So that's why they're mad?

[1684] Well, she was supposed to go to all these drug and alcohol classes, and then she missed her court date.

[1685] Yeah, I know the whole story.

[1686] Who gives a fuck?

[1687] Here's what my take on the story.

[1688] She's a little kid.

[1689] Little kid that got famous and rich.

[1690] Little kid that kidnapped two other people that ran from the cops, drunk driving, was caught with cocaine.

[1691] Kidnapped people?

[1692] Yeah, two people.

[1693] How'd she kidnap them?

[1694] They were in the back seat and wouldn't stop the car, and she was out running from the cops.

[1695] They're the ones that are suing.

[1696] And it's like all this, I forget, seven charges.

[1697] But yeah, she's not seeing one going to jail at all.

[1698] If that would happen to me, I'd be fucking in jail still.

[1699] Okay, is that true?

[1700] Yes, it's true.

[1701] Or is it because the prison systems in L .A. are super overcrowded?

[1702] You know that, right?

[1703] You know that they're releasing violent prisoners secretly?

[1704] They're having real problems.

[1705] California is completely broke.

[1706] You know that, right?

[1707] Yeah, I'll give you some inside info.

[1708] This girl's not supposed to be doing any drugs or any alcohol right now because she's on probation, right?

[1709] Are you going to rat her out?

[1710] I am going to rat her out.

[1711] Don't rat her out.

[1712] I am going to rat her out right now.

[1713] Don't be a rat, Brian.

[1714] All right.

[1715] Don't.

[1716] You're going to get her locked in a cage.

[1717] All right.

[1718] Never mind.

[1719] I won't say anything.

[1720] What do you know?

[1721] Do you know some shit?

[1722] Yeah, I know a lot of shit.

[1723] She's a little kid, dude.

[1724] If you were in that situation, you'd be 100 times worse.

[1725] Okay.

[1726] I will not talk about her anymore.

[1727] I'm sorry.

[1728] There you go.

[1729] Good for you.

[1730] Didn't she get famous when she was like fucking 16 or something like that?

[1731] Well, younger than that, she used to be in that Wacky Friday or Freaky Friday where she played a twin, you know, herself.

[1732] So she was a little kid.

[1733] She was a Disney girl.

[1734] Wow.

[1735] It's got to be crazy, man. Go from a Disney girl to a party slut.

[1736] Internationally known party slut.

[1737] Jet setting.

[1738] Ginger.

[1739] Wearing a fucking alcohol bracelet.

[1740] So how does she piss clean?

[1741] I don't know.

[1742] Drink that shit they buy at the head shop?

[1743] Probably.

[1744] I pissed clean five times.

[1745] I was a poor Ohio guy.

[1746] How did you piss clean?

[1747] There was a couple ways.

[1748] There's either the shit you drink that's like Gatorade that just dilutes your...

[1749] Who tested you?

[1750] What company?

[1751] There was a few of them.

[1752] Different companies?

[1753] One was Gateway.

[1754] One was...

[1755] I forget.

[1756] How hilarious is it that they test you for fucking pot?

[1757] They test you for pot.

[1758] You can't even smoke pot on the weekend if you work at Gateway.

[1759] Jesus fucking Christ.

[1760] Will you let me enjoy my weekend?

[1761] I get off Friday.

[1762] I've been slinging shitty fucking computers for pennies all week, giving you most of my waking hours, and you won't let me have a fucking joint on Saturday?

[1763] I can't watch a movie.

[1764] I can't smoke a joint and go see Avatar.

[1765] Really?

[1766] You fucking cunts.

[1767] But what's great is this one place actually sold real urine that you warm up and you put in between your crotch.

[1768] So when you go to do the pee thing, it stays warm because it's in between your legs and it's actually not your urine.

[1769] And they get your urine.

[1770] They're like, congratulations, you passed the test and you're pregnant.

[1771] Right.

[1772] You might want to go see.

[1773] What kind of piss are you going to get, though?

[1774] How do you know it's clean piss?

[1775] I guess you don't.

[1776] Kevin Randleman got busted with non -human urine.

[1777] Really?

[1778] Yeah, it was either synthetic urine or it was urine from a dead person because there was no hormones in the urine.

[1779] Like, they tested his urine and they're like, yeah, yeah, there's no steroids.

[1780] There's no anything else either in here, fucker.

[1781] It's apple juice.

[1782] Yeah, where is this shit?

[1783] It was some synthetic fucking fake urine thing that he got, you know?

[1784] I don't know.

[1785] This person's used the fake pee four times, they said.

[1786] Fake pee.

[1787] Yeah, you can get...

[1788] Well, I think it depends on the sophistication of the test, but some places they test your fucking hair, dude.

[1789] They get a little hair sample.

[1790] They have shampoo for that.

[1791] Do they?

[1792] Yep.

[1793] You just put the shampoo on before your thing, and it...

[1794] It kills all the THC in your hair?

[1795] It does something.

[1796] Well, I know Nick Diaz passes those tests like a motherfucker, and he smokes a lot of weed, and he passes.

[1797] I mean, he got popped in...

[1798] I think...

[1799] I think he got popped in Vegas.

[1800] When he beat Gomi.

[1801] Yeah, that's what it was.

[1802] He turned up positive.

[1803] And they said that he had so much weed in his system.

[1804] It was like he got high and then fought.

[1805] He might have done that.

[1806] He says he didn't.

[1807] He smoked so much weed, though.

[1808] It's probably in his system all the time.

[1809] He probably just forgot to take whatever he does to clean himself out.

[1810] I don't know what you got to do.

[1811] You got to drink a lot of water.

[1812] I know that, right?

[1813] I have a buddy that is a medical.

[1814] He does stuff with rats and cocaine.

[1815] He doesn't get drug tested.

[1816] It's funny because you're around every day.

[1817] Rats and cocaine.

[1818] You know, there's a big problem with doctors and doctors getting addicted to drugs.

[1819] There's a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie, and it's all about how little information doctors know about nutrition and how little information they're given in med school about nutrition and how many of them wind up getting addicted to prescription drugs and all the shit they can prescribe for themselves.

[1820] It's fucking a lot, man. You think about how many doctors are out there, and they're buddies with other doctors.

[1821] I need a script for this.

[1822] Hook me up, and I'll hook you up with some Xanax.

[1823] It's weird.

[1824] It's one of the medications I got for my stomach.

[1825] acid was supposed to be approved by an insurance company because it has to get specially approved because one of its things that happens when you take it, it makes you test positive for THC.

[1826] What?

[1827] It makes you test positive for THC?

[1828] Well, you should tell the insurance company that you have to test positive for THC for your job.

[1829] He works for me, and that's what I require.

[1830] I require a positive piss test.

[1831] If he's out there making creative shit and making videos and stuff, I don't want him.

[1832] Not a little bit high.

[1833] Brian, I like your sexy businessman jacket.

[1834] Is this a new look with the new woman?

[1835] Is that what it is?

[1836] I had breakfast with three women last night.

[1837] Really?

[1838] Breakfast with three women last night?

[1839] This morning.

[1840] Eating eggs and fucking.

[1841] I had six boobs spinning the night last night.

[1842] Really?

[1843] You had three chicks over your house?

[1844] Yeah.

[1845] Where'd they sleep?

[1846] Real talk.

[1847] Real talk.

[1848] Didn't I buy you and all your girlfriends breakfast this morning?

[1849] Real talk.

[1850] Didn't you have two other bitches over my house sleeping?

[1851] Real talk.

[1852] Wow.

[1853] So what's the difference if I find two other ones when I'm out by myself?

[1854] Brian, what's it like going from zero to hero?

[1855] Very nice.

[1856] Tell us.

[1857] Tell us all about it.

[1858] I don't know.

[1859] Did you ever think from the days of living in Ohio that you would be in the predicament that you're at now?

[1860] Can we even say what predicament you're in now?

[1861] No, but see, I was in the same predicaments in Ohio.

[1862] Not this one, son.

[1863] For Ohio, like the ratio of Ohio.

[1864] We're not judging shit on a scale, son.

[1865] You don't want to talk about it?

[1866] No. No, okay.

[1867] We're going to have to move on, ladies and gentlemen.

[1868] This is a touchy subject for my man. I'm dating Lindsay Lohan.

[1869] No, he's not, ladies and gentlemen.

[1870] If he was, he would definitely not rat her out.

[1871] You'd have to be a serious cunt to be dating Lindsay Lohan and then try to rat her out.

[1872] Well, I'm very mad at her.

[1873] Why would you be mad at her?

[1874] Because I think she cheated on me in cans.

[1875] What?

[1876] In cans?

[1877] Yeah.

[1878] You think so?

[1879] Mm -hmm.

[1880] She got a new tattoo, supposedly.

[1881] as well.

[1882] Yeah, for a new girlfriend.

[1883] That's what I'm mad about, so I don't care what she...

[1884] Wow.

[1885] You funky -ass friends!

[1886] Real talk!

[1887] That's right, the Fan Expo's this weekend, huh?

[1888] What's the Fan Expo?

[1889] Oh, the UFC Fan Expo?

[1890] Yeah.

[1891] This weekend is a big UFC.

[1892] Rampage vs. Rashad.

[1893] That's gonna be fucking nuts.

[1894] That's a sick fight.

[1895] Let's go to the message board to JoeRogan .net, the forums, and see what I said you were the...

[1896] the winner of season one last comic standing.

[1897] I fucked up, but this guy, Sumo, he corrected me. Happened so long ago.

[1898] He's in the Fact Police.

[1899] That fan.

[1900] Who's this guy?

[1901] This is the kind of questions I get, weird motherfuckers.

[1902] Is it ignorant to attempt to define the universe in absolutes rather than referring to it as a grand mystery, or rather the effort to try to define or understand the un -understandable?

[1903] That dude has smelly feet.

[1904] For sure, right?

[1905] Un -understandable?

[1906] I'm not even going to answer it just because of that.

[1907] You try to sneak that through.

[1908] You can't have a legitimate question and have un -understandable in that question.

[1909] Real talk!

[1910] Real talk!

[1911] Real talk!

[1912] You can't use an un in front of a word that's...

[1913] That shit doesn't make any sense.

[1914] Start with an un.

[1915] But yeah, nobody can define the fucking universe.

[1916] It's ridiculous.

[1917] We're trying.

[1918] We're struggling.

[1919] It's impossible.

[1920] Will this be the Doom podcast?

[1921] Yeah, this is the I Reject Your Doom podcast.

[1922] That's what it is.

[1923] It's not the Doom podcast.

[1924] Watching that movie Collapse, and I got nervous after I watched it, and I thought about it for a while, and I was thinking about it, and I was like, this is a trick.

[1925] You can think this way, and you can get all fucking flustered and freaked out about the world, or you can just enjoy the shit out of this.

[1926] This is some asshole that's sitting around his house saying that his favorite thing to do is walk his dog on the beach.

[1927] No. It's not the guy to listen to.

[1928] Right, Brian?

[1929] Lindsay shits her underwear so much.

[1930] Every time I find him in the bathroom, she has stains all over her underwear.

[1931] She's the first girl I've ever...

[1932] You think that's from drugs?

[1933] You're a 12 -year -old.

[1934] You really are fucking 12.

[1935] You're not banging Lindsay Lohan.

[1936] Just shut your mouth.

[1937] Meanwhile, his girl's hotter than Lindsay Lohan.

[1938] How ridiculous is that?

[1939] That sounds like a ridiculous statement, right?

[1940] No, she's hotter.

[1941] That's pretty easy.

[1942] She's hotter.

[1943] My ankle's hotter than Lindsay Lillian right now.

[1944] Whoa, what are you talking about?

[1945] You wouldn't bang her?

[1946] Fucking Lindsay Lillian?

[1947] She's a mess, dude.

[1948] You wouldn't bang her?

[1949] No. Really?

[1950] No. I'd rather bang her.

[1951] Efron likes messes, right?

[1952] Don't you?

[1953] You like crazy bitches, don't you?

[1954] You like messes?

[1955] You like them when they're all fucked up a little bit, right?

[1956] Well, I mean, when you're younger, sure.

[1957] You know who likes them really fucked up?

[1958] Ari Shaffir.

[1959] Ari Shaffir likes those suicide bitches.

[1960] Oh, really?

[1961] Yeah, he likes those chicks with tattoos on their tits and shit.

[1962] No, Suicide Girls.

[1963] Oh, I get you.

[1964] You know, those girls with all those crazy tattoos on their tits and shit like that.

[1965] The porn star Suicide Girls.

[1966] Porn star Suicide Girls, yeah.

[1967] Those dirty bitches.

[1968] Do they all hang out at a particular place?

[1969] Those like Bombshell McGee looking girls.

[1970] By the way, that chick's on a fucking cover of a magazine.

[1971] I was at Barnes & Noble yesterday and looking through the magazines and inked.

[1972] the magazine, right on the fucking cover is that Michelle Bombshell McGee, that chick that fucked, what's his name?

[1973] Jesse James.

[1974] She's so hot right now.

[1975] Dude, she's on the cover of a fucking magazine just for banging some guy who's famous.

[1976] That's incredible.

[1977] And she's going to be a correspondent on Extra.

[1978] What?

[1979] Yeah, they hired her.

[1980] Like she does like, hey, I'm reporting.

[1981] I'm here with the slut news.

[1982] Yeah.

[1983] They hired her.

[1984] For real?

[1985] Yeah.

[1986] That's great.

[1987] Is that really true?

[1988] Yeah.

[1989] Holy shit, man. Wow.

[1990] That's incredible.

[1991] That is really incredible.

[1992] Wow.

[1993] That's not a good thing to do, man. I think they did that before with somebody else.

[1994] I don't think that's a good precedent to set.

[1995] This is what I think is going to happen.

[1996] This is my prediction, that there's going to be a lot of women who target really high -profile married guys, guys that are going to get you some attention.

[1997] And that's a big career move.

[1998] You know, look at all these chicks that fuck Tiger Woods.

[1999] If it wasn't so many of them, there's like Tiger Woods banks so many of them that it's like they're all you can't keep track of them.

[2000] Right.

[2001] They're all like I was Tiger Woods mistress.

[2002] OK, which one were you?

[2003] Yeah.

[2004] I worked at the bagel hut.

[2005] You know what I mean?

[2006] It's like, you know, you're like it's like there's so many of them.

[2007] It's it's I'm trying to think about what is another another example that's like that, you know, of that many.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] It's like it deludes it.

[2010] Either way, it's like there's so many of them.

[2011] If there was only one chick that stood out, like I know a couple names, like Rachel Uchitel and Jamie Grubbs.

[2012] Those are the names that I know.

[2013] Those are the only ones that I know.

[2014] Those girls get through.

[2015] But if there was only one of them, that bitch would be super fucking famous right now.

[2016] Like that Rachel Uchitel is pretty famous because she's, first of all, she's very pretty and she's the one who didn't talk.

[2017] So there's all the speculation that she got paid off and Gloria Allred is her attorney and all that jazz.

[2018] I think, you know, I think chicks are looking at this now like really fucking scandalous, you know, nasty bitches are looking at this as like a possible career path.

[2019] I think a lot of them are, right?

[2020] Well, you see like everyone who just got busted with that dude from Transformers, the guy who's married to Fergie.

[2021] No. Oh, Josh Duhamel.

[2022] Yeah, he got a lap dance from some chick, remember?

[2023] Then she was on the news saying he got a lap dance with me. It was touching my ass.

[2024] It was like, hey strippers, your job is to dance for them and then not say anything.

[2025] What the fuck?

[2026] I thought she said she fucked them.

[2027] Or he tried or something, yeah.

[2028] I thought she said she fucked him.

[2029] Maybe she did.

[2030] You know, anybody can say anything, man. That's the thing.

[2031] A guy can say he fucked you.

[2032] Unless you have a videotape of all the time you're with him.

[2033] It's like, how the hell do you know?

[2034] It's impossible.

[2035] How do you feel about the only government intervention into the BP oil disaster?

[2036] It's telling the people that we're collecting here to put on...

[2037] into hose and to use it to sop up the oil that already come into the marshes, that they cannot use it.

[2038] Huh.

[2039] Is that true?

[2040] You know, I don't think there's a way to clean up that oil, man. They got a real, real, real big problem.

[2041] Right now, the surface of the oil spill is the size of the state of Maryland.

[2042] You know how bananas that is?

[2043] Oops, I said it.

[2044] Fuck.

[2045] That's a crazy thing, man, to have a giant oil slick the size of a state and getting larger.

[2046] I mean, you could see that from a distant satellite now.

[2047] You know, that's terrifying.

[2048] that they don't know how to stop it.

[2049] I mean, it literally might drain the entire 50 million barrels that's in that thing, that reservoir of oil.

[2050] That's what the estimate is, 50 million barrels.

[2051] Cat litter.

[2052] It's funny, they were talking about straw the other day.

[2053] Dude, the pressure of that oil coming out a mile underwater or however fucking deep it is, the pressure of that oil pumping out like that, to be able to contain it, you have to have some intense fucking machinery.

[2054] You have to have some really...

[2055] Big time, high pressure shit.

[2056] And they never planned for this.

[2057] They have no idea how they're going to stop it.

[2058] They literally have no idea.

[2059] And when you hear Obama talking about it on TV, it's hilarious.

[2060] Because he's just talking shit.

[2061] He's just saying, we're going to clean it up.

[2062] Blow it up?

[2063] What's that going to do?

[2064] Make more oil?

[2065] More oil is going to come out, man. Cave in the hole?

[2066] I think part of it is they don't want to do that because they don't want to destroy all the work.

[2067] So they're trying to figure out how to save as much of the well.

[2068] as they can while figuring out how to stop it.

[2069] But in the meantime, they have this giant eco disaster and they're like, well, we're going to take care of that.

[2070] But the problem with them taking care of that is these people can't fish there.

[2071] They've shut down like 20 % of the fishing in the Gulf, or at least as of a couple of days ago, it might be even worse now.

[2072] But all these people, they're all fucked up from Katrina and that whole area got nailed by, you know, by those disasters.

[2073] And it was just starting to get back on the road to recovery.

[2074] And then this fucking thing hits them.

[2075] Dude, this is going to be an eco -disaster that we have never seen before.

[2076] Sometimes it's hard to put things in perspective while they're happening.

[2077] You know, like this is happening right now and it seems like, you know, it doesn't seem like a big deal because it's not affecting our ordinary everyday life.

[2078] You know, we're going through life and, you know, it doesn't seem like, you know what I'm saying?

[2079] You know, you drive to the same store, you eat at the same restaurants.

[2080] But there's a part of the world right now that is literally an apocalyptic disaster is going down.

[2081] I mean, it is a huge, huge fucking reservoir of oil is pumping into the water, and it's almost impossible to get it out of there.

[2082] They're fucked.

[2083] That's scary shit, man. We're not putting it into perspective because it's not happening to us.

[2084] We're not feeling it.

[2085] It feels almost abstract when we're talking about it.

[2086] You see it on the news, and it seems tragic, but it almost seems abstract because it's not affecting you.

[2087] But if that was affecting us, if we were fishermen and we were living in fucking Louisiana, you would be suicidal right now.

[2088] You would be going crazy.

[2089] You have no other way to make a living.

[2090] You have kids to feed.

[2091] You have no fucking money in the bank, and this shit is going down.

[2092] Yeah, and things probably weren't that well.

[2093] off for you before it happened either you know for the most part those guys are pretty yeah with all this bailout money all these billions and billions of dollars those fucking cocksuckers should be paying those fishermen right now they should be sending fat checks in the mail right now Double what they were making before so that they don't have to feel bad, you know, because you're killing their fucking business.

[2094] Billions of dollars to these fucks is not that much money.

[2095] And a billion dollars would go a long fucking way to taking care of all these fishermen.

[2096] I mean, it's a billion dollar industry.

[2097] But, you know, this catastrophe is going to cost them so much fucking money.

[2098] They should take out the money for the fishermen and for the workers right now.

[2099] For all the fucking people that rely on tourism, all the people.

[2100] I mean, that's going to be big, dude.

[2101] It's going to be.

[2102] Gigantic.

[2103] And then there's the cleanup.

[2104] And then they're going to have to come up with new technology to even clean that shit up.

[2105] You see Kevin Costner had a thing that they might use his.

[2106] His what?

[2107] His hair?

[2108] No, when he, Kevin Costner, and I'm getting a lot of this story wrong, but back when he did Waterworld, he got into cleaning up the ocean or the oil.

[2109] So when he spent $25 million in 15 years of research into this filtering system, that now the government is like, well, wait a minute, you have that?

[2110] We didn't know that they're going to use Kevin Costner's.

[2111] What?

[2112] Yeah, if you Google it, he created something back when he did Wild World to help the ocean, and now they're...

[2113] It's supposed to, like, annoy the oil back into the ground.

[2114] Yeah, it's supposed to do something to the oil.

[2115] It's supposed to show them a really bad movie.

[2116] It's so bad the oil commits suicide.

[2117] Hey, do you want to see Tin Cup?

[2118] We play the soundtrack from Tin Cup.

[2119] How the fuck are they going to separate that water from the oil?

[2120] I mean they're all talking about how they're going to do it.

[2121] Oh, we're going to do it.

[2122] They're literally going to have to invent some new technology in order to just – I can't believe they didn't have a plan.

[2123] Real talk.

[2124] Yeah, better than just what I would have done at my apartment where you just get a rug and throw it over the spot that's on the thing and go, well, it's done.

[2125] I'm not going to pay to clean that cat piss up.

[2126] Yeah.

[2127] What the fuck, dude?

[2128] It seems like they should just be able to drop the Statue of Liberty on it or something and stop it.

[2129] This is where we need Aquaman.

[2130] It's like a mile underwater.

[2131] Yeah, this is where a superhero is definitely needed.

[2132] We have things that go miles underwater, right?

[2133] Yeah, like little tiny robots that we can barely control.

[2134] You're talking about hundreds of thousands of pounds of pressure.

[2135] This pump was pumping out insane amounts of oil, and now it's just...

[2136] broken from an explosion, and it's pouring.

[2137] Have you ever seen the live feed?

[2138] Have you seen the live feed yet?

[2139] It's creepy as fuck, dude.

[2140] CNN had a live feed for a while, but it crushed their servers because everybody was just sitting in front of it staring.

[2141] And it's just oiled.

[2142] Slack jawed, just pouring.

[2143] Well, it was interesting because the guy that was the...

[2144] One of the experts that was on CNN was explaining that from that video, he showed that it wasn't the 5 ,000 gallons or barrels of oil a day they were estimating was coming out.

[2145] He said it was literally like 75 ,000 to 100 ,000.

[2146] And he was being conservative by saying 75 ,000 barrels.

[2147] He's like, it's an insane amount of oil.

[2148] This ain't 5 ,000 barrels.

[2149] It's like a fuckload.

[2150] It's fucking awesome when it works.

[2151] Not so awesome when it gets in your ocean.

[2152] You know the fleshlight oil that comes with those fleshlights?

[2153] Or you can get with those fleshlights.

[2154] It's very good.

[2155] Fleshlight oil?

[2156] Yeah, they have like a hot and a cold and just normal.

[2157] And it's good for even when you're not using the fleshlight for using for sex.

[2158] Brian's good for about an hour and then he fucking completely falls apart.

[2159] Well, it's better than silence.

[2160] You're surfing the net, so I'm just talking.

[2161] I'm getting some questions here, son.

[2162] All right.

[2163] The doom and gloom.

[2164] This is a problem.

[2165] And it's just like what we were talking about with negative people online.

[2166] People gravitate towards negative stories.

[2167] I mean, we're guilty of it talking about this oil spill.

[2168] That's more of a catastrophe than anything.

[2169] But this collapse thing, because this has been a subject on my message board for the past couple of days because of the Michael Rupert documentary and because somebody put a speech that he was giving in Vermont, and that was also on the message board, and that's been a subject that people have been talking about.

[2170] But that's something that people completely fixate on, and I'm totally guilty of it.

[2171] I fixated on it for hours yesterday, and it didn't help me at all.

[2172] And I'm trying to figure out why the fuck people do that.

[2173] Why do we get so obsessed with...

[2174] Like the unavoidable catastrophes and the unavoidable like death.

[2175] I mean you can sit around all day and freak the fuck out about the fact that eventually your body is going to give up and quit.

[2176] And you're going to move on to the next stage of existence.

[2177] Why is it though that that can stop you from actually enjoying your time that you have?

[2178] Like what the fuck is that about people?

[2179] Yeah, it's whatever you focus on.

[2180] If your brain is like Google and you type in world destruction.

[2181] You're going to find all the links and videos and everything that has to do with world construction, and your brain can only handle so many questions or so many things that you're looking for.

[2182] This is one of the dudes on the message board rivalries talking about the Gulf oil spill, and he's saying that the oil coming out is under so much pressure that they can't cap it.

[2183] It's eroded the piping 300 feet below the seafloor and allowed oil to escape out of the seabed at different spots.

[2184] Plus, they think there might be a volcano under there.

[2185] What the fuck?

[2186] A volcano on top of it.

[2187] Jesus fucking Christ.

[2188] And the volcano has AIDS.

[2189] Oh, my God.

[2190] Congress is going to approve a 400 % increase in the gasoline tax.

[2191] There's more doom.

[2192] I want to shut that off.

[2193] I don't even want to read it.

[2194] Did you watch Lost?

[2195] No. No, I'm so far behind on Lost, man. Are you going to catch up ever?

[2196] I'm going to eventually catch up, but I'm way, way, way, way, way, way behind on Lost.

[2197] So did you read anything about what happened?

[2198] No, I don't want to hear shit, son.

[2199] Was it good?

[2200] I heard it sucked.

[2201] You know, at first I was more, I mean, it was okay, but first I was kind of like upset about it.

[2202] Now I'm kind of like, you know what?

[2203] That's probably about as good as it was going to get anyway.

[2204] A lot of people were bummed out about the Sopranos ending, and I don't have a problem with that.

[2205] I didn't think it was the best ending in the world, but I didn't feel like they fucked up.

[2206] I felt like it was just like, how do you end such a spectacular show?

[2207] I think it was cool.

[2208] It just ends abruptly, and that's what happens when...

[2209] Well, who knows?

[2210] Yeah, who knows?

[2211] Who knows what it is?

[2212] I mean, it's open to interpretation.

[2213] Did he die, you know?

[2214] Yeah.

[2215] That's the best show I think I've ever watched from beginning to end.

[2216] Sopranos is number one to me. And you see it morph and change because the very first episode was almost like a comedy.

[2217] You remember his wife came out with a machine gun and she saw somebody was climbing into the window.

[2218] You remember that?

[2219] I don't remember the first episode.

[2220] Yeah, it was almost like a comedy.

[2221] It's like they were playing it like not real.

[2222] You know, they're playing it like silly.

[2223] But then as the season went on and it got more and more serious, and then as episodes, seasons went on, then it became this intense fucking incredible drama.

[2224] But man, has there ever been a fucking show that makes you so excited to see it like that?

[2225] I've never been so addicted to a show as a surprise.

[2226] Lost was like that.

[2227] Really?

[2228] Yeah.

[2229] I mean, there's a couple episodes I didn't like, but the whole...

[2230] getting to the end part, I loved every second of it.

[2231] I mean, I rewatched the whole entire show from beginning to end in the last three weeks.

[2232] That's because you had a new girlfriend.

[2233] You know what?

[2234] But I loved it.

[2235] I watched every episode just like it was the first time.

[2236] And I was like, oh my God, because there's all these new things.

[2237] Now that you know certain things and you rewatch the episodes, you're like, whoa.

[2238] Wow, that's crazy.

[2239] It is a very well -made show.

[2240] Very well -made.

[2241] Even though I gave up on it this season, I just got bored with it.

[2242] I got bored with it because I felt like there's so many times where there were guns pointed at them and Jack was all nonchalant.

[2243] Jack was fucking phoning it in, man. After a while, Jack seems like he just gave up.

[2244] Well, there's a whole thing with Jack, man. Especially once you see the last episode, you're going to think different about Jack to begin with.

[2245] Oh!

[2246] How dare you.

[2247] From the beginning, he was a different guy, and then they turned him into a junkie, and then after they turned him into a junkie, he seemed to be following it in.

[2248] I can't tell you this, because this doesn't ruin anything, but I was kind of upset that there were certain characters and things that they never did get to, and I don't know if it was because of the actual actors or what, like Mr. Echo, remember that guy?

[2249] Yeah.

[2250] Whatever happened to him.

[2251] He didn't want to come back.

[2252] That's what happened to him.

[2253] Walt had superpowers.

[2254] And they were like, oh, Walt's so special.

[2255] But then I read that Walt was taken off the show because he grew like three times the height in one season.

[2256] And they couldn't do that.

[2257] So they had to take him off the show.

[2258] So did they just take him off the show and forget the whole plot of him having special powers?

[2259] Or was there something I'm not thinking of?

[2260] Yeah.

[2261] They just dropped it.

[2262] They're like, this fucking is a problem.

[2263] Let's just never bring it up ever.

[2264] Yeah, this is ridiculous.

[2265] And we should be fine.

[2266] After a while, they just say, no one's going to remember.

[2267] I thought the show was so good.

[2268] The whole journey was good enough that I'm not going to hate the ending because the whole show was good.

[2269] It's one of the best shows ever.

[2270] It was definitely one of the best shows ever.

[2271] And most complicated show ever on TV.

[2272] Most difficult to follow.

[2273] I just got bored with it after the last season.

[2274] It seemed like they were just making shit up.

[2275] Oh, now we're going back in time again.

[2276] Boom.

[2277] Oh, I'm going to blow off a nuke and we're going to go back in time.

[2278] I'm like, come on, really?

[2279] It's that easy to just go back in time?

[2280] Come on.

[2281] This is just fucking foolishness.

[2282] There's definitely things I didn't like about it.

[2283] The beginning was so mysterious and so elaborate.

[2284] It felt so cheap to me that that was how you're going to do it.

[2285] She's going to bang on a nuke.

[2286] bomb and it's going to blow up and everyone's going to go back in time.

[2287] And she falls hundreds of feet down into a well and she survives and has enough strength to bang on this fucking nuclear weapon and blow it up.

[2288] Really?

[2289] Really?

[2290] It's like such a goddamn good show and you got to that?

[2291] Yeah.

[2292] Battlestar Galactica was awesome up until the last season.

[2293] I want to see The Wire.

[2294] I got bored.

[2295] Yeah, The Wire is another one that everybody recommends.

[2296] What, Mad Men?

[2297] Dexter was awesome.

[2298] First few seasons, I got bored with Dexter.

[2299] I got bored with Dexter when John Lithgow was the bad guy.

[2300] And he got this chick in a shitty rear naked choke and choked her.

[2301] And I was like, what?

[2302] Jeff Bauer choked out somebody last night.

[2303] Remotely real.

[2304] Oh, yeah?

[2305] Did he?

[2306] At 24.

[2307] The last episode was last night, right?

[2308] Yeah.

[2309] Was it good?

[2310] I haven't watched 24 since the first season, but I was caught up after two hours and saw how it ended and went, okay, I'm sure, you know?

[2311] Was it good?

[2312] I liked it.

[2313] You know, for an ending?

[2314] Choked out his friend Chloe.

[2315] Those fucking shows, man. The problem with those shows is there's not enough people.

[2316] Choked out Chloe.

[2317] Wow.

[2318] Duncan's old girl?

[2319] Yeah.

[2320] Really?

[2321] That's weird.

[2322] That's Duncan's old girlfriend.

[2323] Mary Lynn.

[2324] Duncan Trussell.

[2325] Oh, really?

[2326] Yeah.

[2327] Used to live with her.

[2328] Engaged her.

[2329] She kicked him out and Duncan had to live with me for months.

[2330] Dude, it was so uncomfortable going over.

[2331] She used to do stand -up, right?

[2332] Like, from when I first moved out here.

[2333] She still does stand -up.

[2334] Yeah, when I first moved out here and this agent was trying to get me into the alternative scene, it was all those guys.

[2335] I didn't go that route.

[2336] The alternative scene.

[2337] But he was like, you should hang out with Janine Garofalo.

[2338] I was just talking with a friend of mine about that.

[2339] The alternative scene is mostly in a lot of people's eyes.

[2340] People are trying to do smart comedy and people who are trying to do something that's off the beaten path.

[2341] And they're more nerds.

[2342] That's how people look at them.

[2343] People are proud to be nerds.

[2344] They do alternative comedy.

[2345] Meanwhile, I can't think of more people who do that.

[2346] the pretend they don't know you thing than alternative comics.

[2347] More people who are into social climbing than alternative comics.

[2348] They're more Hollywood.

[2349] They're really gross.

[2350] They're more Hollywood than the regular comics.

[2351] It's hilarious.

[2352] It's like, what's the alternative?

[2353] The alternative is you're going to be ultra Hollywood?

[2354] I have seen so many comics that are alternative comics do that pretend I don't know you.

[2355] Did we meet, you know, I'm sorry, what's your name?

[2356] Like that fake shit that they like.

[2357] Like it's a cool thing to not know your name or something like that.

[2358] I've seen that happen with so many people.

[2359] It's a whole funny different vibe where you see a lot of those guys.

[2360] Very judgmental.

[2361] They have their notebooks and all their jokes are written down.

[2362] And then they get up and they're like, yeah, the stuff you do, it's just not real.

[2363] It's like you're totally scripted out every word you said.

[2364] Well, even if they don't.

[2365] I don't give a fuck if you're scripted out or if you're loose and rambling.

[2366] I don't care.

[2367] It's like just do whatever is in you.

[2368] Everybody has a different style, and some people tell joke jokes, and some people they're like storytellers, and some people they're just shit talkers.

[2369] Everyone's got their own style of doing comedy.

[2370] It's just the idea of, you know, yours being better or you being judgmental because, you know, with some alternative guys, they don't like people who put too much energy in.

[2371] People are too loud.

[2372] Yeah, move along a lot or whatever.

[2373] Yeah, it's like, you know, I like that.

[2374] I like being entertained.

[2375] I like, like, a guy who has a lot of energy.

[2376] You know, like a Cat Williams type dude.

[2377] I enjoy watching his comedy.

[2378] It's fun to me. So, like, you know, these guys that, like...

[2379] that shit on people for trying too hard.

[2380] It's like, wow.

[2381] It's like you, you want to create this weird environment where everyone's like super calm and like goes to whole foods, you know, it's like, you know what I mean?

[2382] It's like, it's some weird vibe that you're trying to create with alternative comedy.

[2383] Yeah.

[2384] So what's going on with this UFC this weekend?

[2385] What do you think?

[2386] Are you excited?

[2387] It's fascinating.

[2388] It's a good one.

[2389] It's a lot of shit talking going on.

[2390] Rampage Jackson and Rashad Evans have been shit talking each other for fucking months, man. That's what's crazy about it.

[2391] They've been talking shit to each other for like almost a year, if not more.

[2392] I mean, it happened when Rampage fought Keith Jardine, and that was a long fucking time ago.

[2393] and Rashad got in the octagon after Rampage won, was talking all kinds of crazy shit, and then, of course, they're on the Ultimate Fighter together for the whole season, and they didn't fight after that, and it's a lot of fucking shit.

[2394] A lot of shit happened.

[2395] They were supposed to fight, and Rampage had to get jaw surgery, and then they were supposed to fight after the Ultimate Fighter, but Rampage got an awesome movie role.

[2396] Dude, his movie's about to come out, too, and it's going to tank, so it's going to be interesting.

[2397] Why do you think it's going to tank?

[2398] It's the fucking A team.

[2399] It's just going to be like G .I. Joe.

[2400] I bet you you are fucking wrong.

[2401] They're going to kill.

[2402] How much do you want to bet?

[2403] How much?

[2404] 20 bucks.

[2405] Let's bet 20 bucks.

[2406] I want you to feel it, son.

[2407] How do we know it's a tank?

[2408] All right, so it has to be number one for how many weeks in a row?

[2409] No, it doesn't have to be number one to not tank.

[2410] It just has to not tank.

[2411] Let's define not tanking.

[2412] It doesn't have to be number one.

[2413] I need to know what tanking means because tanking to me is like...

[2414] You fucking pussy.

[2415] It's 20 bucks we're talking about here, man. Step up.

[2416] Be a man. But what do you mean by tanking?

[2417] Because by tanking, what I mean, it's like it's going to get in a second place the first week it's out, first place maybe, but then after that it's just going to be...

[2418] Dude, that's not tanking.

[2419] Tanking is it doesn't make the money that it was...

[2420] 1 ,100 bucks.

[2421] It would cost to make it.

[2422] That's what tanking is.

[2423] I don't know about how much money it's going to make.

[2424] I just think that this is such a huge franchise and they're going to fail it.

[2425] I think Rotten Tomatoes' score is going to be 34%.

[2426] There's some movies where I look at the movie and I go, who the fuck is looking forward to this?

[2427] Every time there's a Jennifer Lopez movie, some Jennifer Lopez romance film, I'm like, fucking really?

[2428] Who is running out going to see that?

[2429] Who's all excited?

[2430] There was a point in time where, like, Jennifer Lopez was banging out a lot of movies.

[2431] They were, like, big movies.

[2432] You know, like, what was the movie with the one with Prisoners, the George Clooney movie?

[2433] Fucking good movie, man. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[2434] Was it a Coen Brothers movie?

[2435] Brian?

[2436] I'm trying to think of it.

[2437] No, she wasn't in that one.

[2438] I don't even know what that movie is.

[2439] There was some movie where she played a cop and he was a bad guy.

[2440] Oh, The Cell.

[2441] That's another cool movie that she was in with that fucking crazy dude from the Special Victims Unit.

[2442] CSI or whatever the hell it is.

[2443] Law and Order.

[2444] Vincent D 'Onofrio.

[2445] Did you ever see The Cell, Brian?

[2446] No. Fascinating.

[2447] Fucking awesome.

[2448] Did you get the UFC video game yet?

[2449] No. No, I haven't gotten it.

[2450] I want a copy.

[2451] It's pretty badass though, I'm sure.

[2452] I can get a copy.

[2453] It comes out today.

[2454] Oh, does it?

[2455] Today's the day.

[2456] Or yesterday's the day.

[2457] One of those.

[2458] But it's supposed to be pretty awesome.

[2459] People are enjoying the shit out of it.

[2460] It's supposed to get better reviews than the first one I heard.

[2461] Don't open that Robin Domino's.

[2462] I saw that Sex and the City thing.

[2463] That was another one.

[2464] That's another one that makes me go, what is going on with the world?

[2465] The people are loving that movie, man. Chicks are so fired up to go see Sex and the City.

[2466] A -Team is going to suck.

[2467] How do you know it's going to suck?

[2468] Because, man, they can't do anything right, man. Look what they did to G .I. Joe.

[2469] Who's that?

[2470] Fucking Hollywood, man. So it's one person?

[2471] It really is.

[2472] Hollywood made Avatar, motherfucker.

[2473] When it comes to retaking old childhood dreams and shit.

[2474] How about Iron Man?

[2475] Iron Man's fucking awesome.

[2476] Your argument doesn't hold up.

[2477] Your argument sucks.

[2478] No, no, I'm not saying everything.

[2479] Ah, you were saying everything.

[2480] No, no, no, but no. Marvel lately has been doing okay.

[2481] They did good on Spider -Man.

[2482] They did okay on X -Men.

[2483] They did okay on Iron Man. But before that, they had Captain America.

[2484] They had all these horrible failed attempts.

[2485] But what I'm talking about is the shit where they're taking G .I. Joe, they're taking Transformers, and they're just fucking taking our childhood memory and shitting on it.

[2486] Every single movie they've been trying to do just fucking sucks.

[2487] How do you think a lot of kids are going to do?

[2488] It's so sad.

[2489] Karate Kid's a good example.

[2490] That's going to do okay, but still, it's not going to be as good as the original.

[2491] I saw a lot of people complaining.

[2492] Ralph Macchio's complaining.

[2493] Is he?

[2494] I saw the people complaining that he goes to China and is learning Kung Fu.

[2495] Yeah, it's called karate.

[2496] Which is Japanese.

[2497] Chinese people must be fucking pissed.

[2498] But it's called Karate Kid.

[2499] That gave fucking lips to Optimus Prime.

[2500] Why does a robot need lips?

[2501] You are such a nerd.

[2502] You are such a nerd.

[2503] I can't believe you're a grown man. You really care about that?

[2504] Speaking of nerds, did you see the dude who was graduating from Columbia?

[2505] And in his speech, he hacked a Patton Oswalt joke.

[2506] And the video got out onto the internet.

[2507] He stole one of Patton Oswalt's jokes in his speech.

[2508] I thought he was a comic.

[2509] No. No, no, no. That's another one.

[2510] This is a new story.

[2511] This one came out today.

[2512] Patton Oswalt's joke about Star Trek.

[2513] A physics professor put a Star Trek theme to a question.

[2514] It was basically a speed and velocity equation.

[2515] And the joke was that he used Chekhov fires the phasers.

[2516] And someone came up to him and said, Sulu fires the phasers.

[2517] Chekhov doesn't fire the phasers.

[2518] So I have been informed that Sulu...

[2519] So the question didn't make sense.

[2520] But anyway, this guy used the exact joke.

[2521] I just fucked up that joke royally.

[2522] But this guy used the exact joke in his commencement speech, and it got on YouTube.

[2523] And everyone went crazy.

[2524] It's on the Gawker.

[2525] It's on Defamer.

[2526] All these different websites.

[2527] And Patton Oswalt wrote about it on his blog.

[2528] It's on the front page of his blog.

[2529] He went after the dude.

[2530] Wait, so a guy just did it during his commitments.

[2531] That's it.

[2532] He wasn't getting paid for it.

[2533] It was just him giving a speech.

[2534] And he's just doing it.

[2535] He hacked it.

[2536] Who cares?

[2537] He's not getting paid for that.

[2538] He's just doing a speech.

[2539] Well, Patton cared.

[2540] Well, that's retarded.

[2541] Is it retarded?

[2542] I think that's fucking retarded.

[2543] What do you think he should have done?

[2544] Patton?

[2545] He should have been honored like, oh, that's cool.

[2546] I don't think he should have cared.

[2547] The guy was just doing a speech at a school.

[2548] He wasn't getting paid.

[2549] These people didn't come out to see him.

[2550] They didn't pay money.

[2551] This is not his career.

[2552] He was giving a speech when he graduated.

[2553] Right.

[2554] But if that guy is plagiarizing and is – graduation speech, what the fuck did he do throughout his college career?

[2555] If he is so brazen that he's willing to plagiarize a famous comedian on video, and he knows that shit is going to get on the internet, and he thinks somehow or another...

[2556] Dude, everybody cares.

[2557] It's all over the internet.

[2558] It's a big deal.

[2559] You know what I love about it, though?

[2560] That everyone's calling it, he Mencia'd it.

[2561] That's funny.

[2562] I've read that on three different places.

[2563] What I like is I heard an interview recently of Mencia, and he said the first time he ever got on stage, he was so nervous that he went to the store and bought a joke book and took jokes from it and ripped out the pages the first time he went on stage.

[2564] Oh, you're talking about the Marc Maron podcast?

[2565] Yeah.

[2566] I just thought that was great.

[2567] The Marc Maron podcast is very disappointing.

[2568] I was just like, that's great.

[2569] Your first time on stage, you just admitted that you stole from a joke book.

[2570] Well, he told jokes.

[2571] When you buy the joke book, don't you own those jokes?

[2572] That's right.

[2573] You're not stealing.

[2574] Unless you stole the joke book and then talked about it.

[2575] Yeah, I think we've said more than enough about that fucking dude.

[2576] It's amazing that people still go to see that guy, though.

[2577] You either have to be completely retarded or not have an internet connection.

[2578] I mean, those are the only possibilities why you'd want to go see that guy.

[2579] Comedy's a funny thing, man. It's like...

[2580] You know, it's like all art forms kind of reflect where your head's at.

[2581] You know, the kind of shit that you're into.

[2582] Like, I was getting tattooed the other day.

[2583] And while I was getting tattooed, the fucking guy in the next booth was listening to this.

[2584] One of those metal songs.

[2585] That annoying fucking screaming angry metal that sounds exactly the same.

[2586] That just reflects where your fucking head is at.

[2587] No one who's like at peace and is like in a good place in their life listens to that shit.

[2588] And no one who's got their shit together would think that Carlos Mencia is funny.

[2589] You have to be a mess.

[2590] There has to be something wrong with the way your mind works.

[2591] It has to work really poorly.

[2592] It has to be really low watt.

[2593] But there's a lot of really low watt people out there, man. That's what's interesting when you see certain things that certain people are into, certain books that people are into and shit, and you're like, God damn, really?

[2594] Certain TV shows, oh, that fucking TV show's awesome.

[2595] And you're like, really?

[2596] I'm like, okay, I guess it is for you.

[2597] That's a hard thing to accept, that I guess it is for you.

[2598] Especially as a comic, don't you find yourself angry?

[2599] No, it fucking sucks.

[2600] You almost want to argue the opinion, but it doesn't suck for them.

[2601] You're like fucking Twilight.

[2602] A billion screaming, horny chicks can't be wrong.

[2603] You know, you can think it sucks all day, but they love that stupid fucking movie.

[2604] Look at Cars 2.

[2605] One of the worst Pixar movies ever was Cars, in my opinion.

[2606] And they're doing a sequel to it just because they know how many people like NASCAR, how many mid -American people, how much merchandise they can sell based on that movie.

[2607] Do you know NASCAR is the number one spectator sport in the country?

[2608] Yep.

[2609] How crazy is that?

[2610] They're watching cars go around in a circle.

[2611] Yeah, so you can sit there all day and go, that's the dumbest sport ever or whatever it is.

[2612] Or go, wow.

[2613] Or there's a lot of people that are into it.

[2614] I'm just not.

[2615] How often do you go on the road and you're in the south and they bring up NASCAR?

[2616] Like when you do morning radio?

[2617] You ever had that happen?

[2618] Yeah.

[2619] Fucking nuts.

[2620] They start talking about drivers and this guy does this better.

[2621] Jackets.

[2622] Yeah.

[2623] Oh, yeah.

[2624] They go, oh, I got my fucking Daryl.

[2625] Daryl Waltrip.

[2626] Who the hell is that guy?

[2627] Meanwhile, they all know who he is.

[2628] That guy's a superstar down there.

[2629] It's like there's a whole different world in the South that people are not aware of.

[2630] Like music wise, like country music.

[2631] There's fucking smash hit country music songs that you will never hear.

[2632] You will go through your entire life and you will never hear them.

[2633] Meanwhile, they are loved by fifth.

[2634] 60 million people in this country.

[2635] It's not in India.

[2636] It's not fucking foreign music from Bangladesh or Brazil or something like that.

[2637] No. This shit is going on in Alabama and Kentucky and Mississippi and they fucking love that music.

[2638] Brian, you remember that time we went to that place in North Carolina and went to that bar next door?

[2639] We were in Raleigh, North Carolina.

[2640] We were at that Charlie Goodnight's.

[2641] And right next door, there's a bar.

[2642] And the bar was playing country music.

[2643] And they were all singing along.

[2644] The bull rider.

[2645] Yeah.

[2646] They had a mechanical bull.

[2647] Yeah, about that club.

[2648] That bar has an identity problem because I went in there and it would play country music.

[2649] And then it would go from country music to rap to Jay -Z.

[2650] And then the equal amount of people would start dancing.

[2651] You know what that's for?

[2652] into two really different things.

[2653] That's for the girls that like to fuck black guys.

[2654] You got to mix it up.

[2655] Yeah.

[2656] I mean, it was weird.

[2657] You're there.

[2658] You get a lot of that in the South.

[2659] And then you hear a lot of, like, you know, like, wow.

[2660] Yeah.

[2661] Well, you got to bring the black guys in because a lot of girls like to fuck black guys.

[2662] And the black guys are just not going to tolerate that country music all day.

[2663] Right.

[2664] So if you want to bring in those little chubby white girls, you got to bring in some rap music for them.

[2665] to attract some black guys to make the mix more interesting.

[2666] I remember I was at that particular place when I was there, and I went to shake the door guy's hand, and we kind of did the Roman shake by just how our hands, you know, where you grab the thing.

[2667] He had, I'll never forget, this huge, I don't know if it was a cast or a plastic thing that went from his wrist probably down to here, and he had them on both sides for fighting.

[2668] So you couldn't tell.

[2669] He had a shirt on.

[2670] Who was the guy?

[2671] The door guy.

[2672] So this was all like cash.

[2673] Shielded?

[2674] Yeah, if you got in a fight with somebody, he had an extra.

[2675] Yeah, because I go, did you break your arm?

[2676] He goes, no, I got him on both sides.

[2677] It's for if shit goes down.

[2678] Wow.

[2679] And it was those things like the gladiators wear from here to here, you know, like a codpiece.

[2680] How weird is that?

[2681] Forearm protection.

[2682] Yeah, yeah.

[2683] Forearm's not a very sensitive area.

[2684] It's a weird thing to want to protect.

[2685] Maybe he's a Wing Chun man. Yeah, I think that's right.

[2686] That's why you didn't have that?

[2687] You'd think that you were blocking?

[2688] I guess.

[2689] That's the shit.

[2690] That's not going to help me if somebody fucking shoots you, son.

[2691] That's some Roadhouse stuff.

[2692] Yeah, well, that place was like Roadhouse, man. We went right next door.

[2693] That place, they had a...

[2694] Remember that one girl that was super awesome at riding that mechanical bull?

[2695] We're like, how many cowboy dicks has that chick sucked?

[2696] A thousand.

[2697] Have you ever tried that?

[2698] Really good.

[2699] Yeah, I've done it before.

[2700] It's hard.

[2701] That's right.

[2702] I have video of you doing it on TLC.

[2703] On MTV?

[2704] Yeah.

[2705] TLC?

[2706] No. TRL.

[2707] Yeah, never done it.

[2708] Yeah, it's not easy.

[2709] It's hard.

[2710] It's hard to hang on to that thing.

[2711] It's stupid.

[2712] It's a fucking dumb way to get hurt.

[2713] Riding a bull is a dumb way to get hurt, but riding a bull that's a fake bull, that's even fucking stupider.

[2714] You know?

[2715] It's like, because they could easily make a fake bull that could fucking throw you off and kill you.

[2716] So it's like, you know, they just make a fake bull just strong enough that you could kind of hang on for a little.

[2717] That was the scariest thing that we ever did on Fear Factor was we had people ride bulls.

[2718] That was the one time where I was like, what the fuck are we doing?

[2719] That was the one time where I literally did not want to do the stunt.

[2720] And all we did was like, we just rolled the dice.

[2721] We said, okay, let's hope we don't crap out here.

[2722] Let's hope we don't.

[2723] fuck up and somebody doesn't wind up getting paralyzed we took these people that had never ridden bulls in their life and we threw them on these giant fucking murderous rampaging beasts and we just threw them on there and the guy was like don't worry these are training bulls and i was like what the fuck are you talking about that's a bull that bull doesn't know he's a training bull he has no idea he's a training bull like the the that Thinking, like, oh, these are the bulls they train the rodeo guys on.

[2724] They're not as aggressive.

[2725] Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[2726] They're looking at the cage.

[2727] This thing's in the cage, and it's fucking bouncing back and forth and slamming into the bars.

[2728] We took this girl on.

[2729] She weighed 90 pounds.

[2730] Like, no bullshit.

[2731] She was tiny.

[2732] The most she weighed like 98, okay?

[2733] She's like five feet tall.

[2734] She's a tiny little girl.

[2735] She gets on this bull and this thing fucks and she goes flying.

[2736] I mean instantly goes flying and as she's flying, the bull kicks at her and the bull's hoof just misses her face.

[2737] Like just misses her face.

[2738] It would have caved her fucking monkey head in.

[2739] Like no question about it.

[2740] This poor little girl.

[2741] She fell and landed on her back.

[2742] She got knocked out.

[2743] She was conscious, but she was out of breath.

[2744] The breath got knocked out of her.

[2745] She was all like, I'm okay.

[2746] I'm okay.

[2747] They had to take care of her.

[2748] The paramedics had to check her out and make sure she was fine.

[2749] She's just lucky that she was fine.

[2750] Just plain fucking lucky.

[2751] I got to see those bulls.

[2752] My wife was on a show years ago that nobody saw called America's Toughest Job.

[2753] I saw it.

[2754] What they did is every week they did something else.

[2755] She was on the...

[2756] deadliest catch boat and had to do that stuff.

[2757] And then she was an oil rigger and had to go do that stuff, then the log stuff.

[2758] And she had a thing where, one of the episodes, she was a bullfighter.

[2759] So she was the clown that got in an actual rodeo was the thing.

[2760] And so when the bull...

[2761] buck the guy she would have to run up and it was these weren't fake bulls it wasn't like for a thing she had to run up and literally smack the bull to get the bull to chase her because she was getting on the show was getting graded on how well she made the cowboy safe and she blew out her knee because she had to twist and turn and it was like a lot of dirt it was pretty scary yeah fuck yeah just to be on tv yeah and she did it you know did she make money off that show No, but she did some cool stuff.

[2762] She got to drive the gravedigger over cars.

[2763] She blew her fucking knee out for free.

[2764] Yeah, so, I mean, she, you know.

[2765] Wow.

[2766] I like that show.

[2767] It's pretty good.

[2768] It's one of those shows.

[2769] She had to do that fishing thing, though.

[2770] That just looks shitty.

[2771] Yeah, she did that.

[2772] The deadliest catch.

[2773] She got her truck driving license and drove the ice road.

[2774] That looks scary as fuck.

[2775] And out of all that, she didn't make any money?

[2776] No, man. It's got to be on TV, Jay.

[2777] Pay the reality show money every month.

[2778] I think she got a stipend every week, 500 bucks cash.

[2779] That is it.

[2780] That is nuts.

[2781] It is nuts to do that to you.

[2782] They can use you like that on television over a course of like, this ain't like Fear Factor where you're only on it for a couple of days.

[2783] She was on it for how long?

[2784] She was gone for two months.

[2785] Jesus.

[2786] She did like nine episodes, so one episode a week probably.

[2787] Dude, what if she got killed by a bull?

[2788] Oh, you should see all the stuff that he's, yeah.

[2789] What if she got killed?

[2790] How would you have felt?

[2791] Yeah, right?

[2792] You can't even sue.

[2793] You can't even do anything about it.

[2794] Dude, bulls scare the fuck out of me. When I see that running with the bulls in Spain, you know, there was a show once where they wanted me to go running with the bulls.

[2795] I forget what it was.

[2796] But there was like one of the things they wanted me to do on the show.

[2797] And I was like, what are you talking about?

[2798] They're like, people run with the bulls all the time.

[2799] You just got to make sure you get ahead.

[2800] I'm like, those are piss and beer soaked fucking streets.

[2801] People are tripping.

[2802] Have you ever watched videos?

[2803] Fuck you.

[2804] I was like, you want me to go run with the bulls?

[2805] Like, what's an ancient tradition?

[2806] It's one of the dumbest ancient traditions ever.

[2807] The fact that people still do that today is one of the weirdest fucking statements about human beings.

[2808] You take a bunch of rampaging, monstrous beast animals.

[2809] Have you ever seen the videos, too, of dudes getting jacked?

[2810] They just get thrown through the air like they're nothing.

[2811] These things are so fucking strong.

[2812] And they stop them and gore them.

[2813] I mean, people get fucked up.

[2814] They get really, really fucked up by these things, man. The fact that people are still doing that, man. You see the video of the matador last week?

[2815] They got the horn through his face.

[2816] Oh.

[2817] Through his mouth and through the bottom of his chin and out through his mouth.

[2818] His fucking horn is poking out of his mouth.

[2819] That's the image.

[2820] So I saw that and I said, well, I've seen one before that was more fucked up.

[2821] There was one where a guy is getting it through the stomach and the bull is lifting him through the air.

[2822] It's like his lower abdomen, right above his dick.

[2823] It's the most, because the look of pain on his face, he knows he's fucked.

[2824] I mean, he's just done.

[2825] And so I started looking.

[2826] I Google searched, trying to find that image, and I found so many fucking images of these guys getting...

[2827] Why would you do that to yourself?

[2828] Most of it's the running with the bulls, though.

[2829] Most of the images came from running with the bulls.

[2830] So many guys getting fucked up by animals.

[2831] Brian, you went to the L .A. Zoo, huh?

[2832] Oh, yeah.

[2833] Man, that was the worst zoo I've ever been to.

[2834] And one of the just fucking creepiest zoos.

[2835] There were so many...

[2836] that look like the animal died and they just never bought a new animal to put in there.

[2837] So it's just like empty.

[2838] And you're sitting there trying to find the animal and you're like, wait a second, this cage has not even been touched for five years.

[2839] And then there's just, I didn't see one lion.

[2840] I didn't see an elephant.

[2841] Were you blazed?

[2842] No, no, I just went there sober.

[2843] And I went through the whole thing in like two hours.

[2844] It was like so fast.

[2845] It was the worst zoo ever.

[2846] The only cool thing was...

[2847] It's not as bad as the one I told you about in Massachusetts.

[2848] There was one that they shut down.

[2849] It was horrible.

[2850] They had this little tiny -ass cage for this lion, and the lion would just walk around in circles.

[2851] Yeah.

[2852] Looking depressed.

[2853] Walk around in circles.

[2854] The coolest part was when they fed the chimpanzees, and there was like six of them.

[2855] They were just all lined up, you know, sitting next to each other, itching their butts, you know, and they were all eating.

[2856] They all grabbed, what is it, cucumbers?

[2857] And they all just had like four cucumbers, and one was like acting like he was smoking.

[2858] It was just hilarious because they were just like humans, and they were all just – but then they were like not sitting like on – it was called the – chimpanzee penthouse or the ape penthouse and it's like they were just sitting like on stairwells.

[2859] So there was just all these monkeys sitting on stairwells eating cucumbers and it was just the oddest thing ever.

[2860] That zoo is fucking weird.

[2861] It's very strange that we feel like it's okay for us to take intelligent animals and just lock them up so we can stare at them.

[2862] That I don't agree with.

[2863] That zoo, I agree with you on that because that zoo, I don't agree with that zoo.

[2864] That zoo should be torn down.

[2865] I'm used to Columbus Zoo where a monkey has It has acres and acres and acres of just grass.

[2866] San Diego is great.

[2867] You ever been to San Diego?

[2868] Yeah, that's one of my favorite zoos in the country.

[2869] That's a huge -ass zoo.

[2870] They have a lot of space to roam around.

[2871] But L .A. Zoo, they'll get you off zoos.

[2872] They should be illegal, man. I was in Colorado at the zoo, and this fucking chimp was screaming.

[2873] Screaming in agony.

[2874] It wasn't a chimp.

[2875] It was a monkey.

[2876] He was in his cage and screaming in agony.

[2877] And you could hear it in his voice.

[2878] He was fucking tortured.

[2879] He was stuck in this little box by himself, and people would just walk by staring at him.

[2880] And he was just losing his mind, just screaming.

[2881] It was such a tortured sound.

[2882] I mean...

[2883] Are we really getting that much out of these fucking guys being locked in this thing that it's okay to do this?

[2884] Do you have pictures?

[2885] Oh, dude.

[2886] There's this one ape that was there.

[2887] It was like a red ape.

[2888] And he looks so sad.

[2889] That one?

[2890] Yeah.

[2891] It's an orangutan.

[2892] Orangutan.

[2893] And he is so sad.

[2894] His eyes are just like so depressed.

[2895] But then his son came up to me while I was filming and just started slamming the window like, don't record my dad.

[2896] Well, he doesn't want you staring at him.

[2897] Yeah.

[2898] That's got to suck, man. They're intelligent.

[2899] I mean, they're not near.

[2900] as intelligent as people, but is it okay to lock up retards?

[2901] I mean, at what point in time, if we could prove that a monkey was as smart as a Down syndrome person, would it be okay to put the Down syndrome person in jail next to the monkey?

[2902] I mean, how intelligent do they have to be to where we can't lock them up?

[2903] That's why I said, have you ever found Bigfoot?

[2904] Everybody thinks Bigfoot's all cool and everything, and you watch it on Monster Quest.

[2905] Wow, I wonder if it's real.

[2906] If it was real, he'd be locked up right next to that fucking orangutan.

[2907] As long as we can't understand your language, fuck you and get in the cage.

[2908] Vivid would have a porn video with Bigfoot and Kendra.

[2909] Kendra or Britney Skye.

[2910] I want to see that Kendra video.

[2911] But you know what?

[2912] My girlfriend was telling me about that Kendra video.

[2913] You've heard of it, right?

[2914] What?

[2915] Yeah.

[2916] Kendra X. Yeah.

[2917] There's a sex tape that came out before Hefner.

[2918] Right.

[2919] Hefner dated her when she was 18.

[2920] So it must've happened like the first two months.

[2921] The video she's out with is with a WEC fighter.

[2922] Well, how do you know that he wasn't banging her while she was with Hefner?

[2923] Right.

[2924] It seems more likely.

[2925] Those girls don't all fuck them exclusively.

[2926] That's ridiculous.

[2927] Well, this supposedly this video was before Hefner though.

[2928] The whole fucking Hefter thing, man. Poor fucking girls.

[2929] Those poor sad girls that fucked that guy to try to get famous.

[2930] They couldn't leave the mansion after 9 p .m.?

[2931] That's hilarious that he would still try to keep them from getting fucked by other guys.

[2932] He had to know it was going down.

[2933] Do you follow him on Twitter?

[2934] No. Do you?

[2935] Wow, it's so sad.

[2936] Is it?

[2937] Hugh Hefner's Twitter every day is just re -watched.

[2938] Oh yeah, it's totally him.

[2939] Just re -watched Gone with the Wind.

[2940] I love that movie.

[2941] Just re -watched Tootsie.

[2942] Oh, those crazy guys.

[2943] He just watches old movies all day.

[2944] That's all he does.

[2945] He's 100 years old, bro.

[2946] How old is he?

[2947] He's deep in his 80s, right?

[2948] Late 80s.

[2949] It's amazing that he's still got to keep that thing going.

[2950] He's got to still try to keep that fascinating fucking lifestyle.

[2951] Yeah, at what point do you just go, you know what, everyone just...

[2952] Get out of the mansion, please.

[2953] I want to hang around and be 85 years old.

[2954] I guess when you stop doing that, though, you start dying.

[2955] Yeah, you know?

[2956] I mean, he's got to keep the business going, right?

[2957] I just went to an estate sale the other day.

[2958] Somebody died down the street, and the estate sale is where they just kind of open up their house, and you just buy anything you want.

[2959] Like, everything's for sale.

[2960] You know, get the fuck out, all this shit out of the house.

[2961] So you just walk in and say, I'll give you 50 bucks for that.

[2962] Right, right, right.

[2963] And it's so crazy, because they...

[2964] Just like the guy died and he did not touch anything.

[2965] So it's like how the guy died.

[2966] Like that's how his house looked like.

[2967] And it's just so crazy just seeing how this person lived, you know, like how dirty this person was and just like how creepy.

[2968] What was it like?

[2969] I guess it's really hard to explain.

[2970] As an example, his chair, the side of his chair was just stacks of TV guides from the last 40 years maybe, and they all had crossword puzzles.

[2971] There's some depressing motherfuckers out there.

[2972] We were talking about that Michael Rupert guy.

[2973] Imagine if he can be a fly on the wall in his house, him hanging out with his dog.

[2974] By the way, one of my favorite quotes from that was when he goes, I take my dog out to go walking every day and have a smile.

[2975] Collect smiles.

[2976] Yes, I was going to bring that up.

[2977] I was going to bring that up.

[2978] Dude, the fucking world is ending according to you, you asshole.

[2979] You're out there collecting smiles.

[2980] Yeah.

[2981] He sees how many people he can make smile.

[2982] You know who he looked like?

[2983] Remember on Office Space, that guy that made the jump to conclusions floor mat?

[2984] He looks exactly like that guy.

[2985] Jump to conclusions floor mat.

[2986] So Google search, jump to conclusions floor mat, office space, and look at the photo, and then Google, whatever the guy's name is, Rupert, same guy.

[2987] This guy said it was the Corey Feldman sale.

[2988] Corey Feldman's still alive, sir.

[2989] Corey Haim.

[2990] Corey Haim died.

[2991] The handsome Corey.

[2992] Poor little fella.

[2993] It's another one.

[2994] Childhood stars, just like your girl Lindsay.

[2995] It's a fucking impossible grind, man. Being famous as a child.

[2996] And then what happens with the Disney Channel now?

[2997] Look at all the future...

[2998] of those guys that that channel's cranking out.

[2999] Yeah, no shit, man. I mean, it's just like, it's a puppy mill for future Danny Bonaduchis.

[3000] That's a great way to put it.

[3001] It's a puppy mill.

[3002] It really is a puppy mill.

[3003] You're dead right.

[3004] They all live in this Toluca Lake.

[3005] I think they're supposed to live there.

[3006] Really?

[3007] Yeah.

[3008] Because it's right near Disney?

[3009] It's right next to Disney, and they all live in Toluca Lake.

[3010] The Jonas Brothers, any of them.

[3011] I don't even know any of them.

[3012] Yeah, they got it down to a science over there at Disney.

[3013] They know how to make fucking stars.

[3014] They take a chick who can sing and they just fucking make them dance.

[3015] Make them wear promise rings.

[3016] And those sitcoms are stupid as fuck.

[3017] Did you see the video of Miley Cyrus giving some 40 -year -old guy a lap dance?

[3018] She was like 16.

[3019] And her dad's like, hey, if your kid's gonna be what the kid's gonna be.

[3020] Fucking don't break my heart.

[3021] Yeah, his fucking dad's Billy Ray Cyrus, you know.

[3022] God, if that was my daughter, I'd be horrified.

[3023] I would be sick to my stomach.

[3024] 16 years old, giving a 40 -year -old guy a lap dance.

[3025] He doesn't give a fuck.

[3026] He got a second chance at stardom.

[3027] Ba -bam!

[3028] He's driving around a Ferrari.

[3029] He used up all that achy -brakey heart money, but this fucking Miley Cyrus money, this Hannah Montana money ain't going nowhere, son.

[3030] That shit will take him to the grave.

[3031] Ladies and gentlemen, 541.

[3032] That means we've been doing this over an hour and a half.

[3033] Two hours.

[3034] No, it's two hours, 20 minutes or 15 minutes.

[3035] That's too much.

[3036] That's too much.

[3037] Sorry.

[3038] We had a run out in the beginning and grab the microphones, but I know that the shit sounds much better with the microphones on.

[3039] Correct?

[3040] Oh, totally.

[3041] Yeah.

[3042] So glad to enjoy it.

[3043] John Heffron, what do you got going on?

[3044] You want to plug?

[3045] I got nothing going on, but people go to johnheffron .com.

[3046] They have all my dates.

[3047] Heffron with two F's.

[3048] Two F's.

[3049] John with an H. J -O -H -N -H -E -F -F -R -O -N dot com.

[3050] At his Twitter, it's on the bottom.

[3051] Winner of Last Comic Standing.

[3052] Oh yeah, at his Twitter.

[3053] It's right there on the little screen there.

[3054] But if you're on iTunes, you don't know what the fuck we're talking about.

[3055] If you're one of those strictly audio -only fellas.

[3056] Yeah, then if you're at iTunes and...

[3057] type in John Hepburn and search and look at all my...

[3058] And you're missing the beauty of the experience of the Ustream podcast because the Ustream podcast has facial features.

[3059] Yes, it does.

[3060] We look at each other sometimes.

[3061] We act out stuff.

[3062] We have costumes.

[3063] And see when someone's checking their phone.

[3064] I wrote down my girlfriend on a paper, Dakota Fanning, and no one else knew it.

[3065] What?

[3066] What the fuck are you talking about, man?

[3067] What's wrong with you, boy?

[3068] So sad, man. Thanks for tuning in.

[3069] We'll be back next week, same time.

[3070] We've got the sound down now.

[3071] And now that I finally got the last microphone in today, that's why we had to take off at the beginning.

[3072] I thought I had a third one, but I didn't have the microphone cord.

[3073] So now it's all set up.

[3074] We're still trying to figure out what the fuck to do behind us.

[3075] The green screen setup is not as easy as I thought.

[3076] Because not only do I have to get a TriCaster, but I also have to get fucking lighting in here.

[3077] What about a banner?

[3078] Like just a cool, your alien banner.

[3079] LED 3D Samsung TV.

[3080] No, no 3D stupidity.

[3081] If I'm going to get a TV, it'll just be a regular TV.

[3082] But that doesn't even make sense because we're talking.

[3083] It would be cool if we did it and we had space behind us.

[3084] No, but see, those TVs that could hook up our computers to it and could just be a huge -ass monitor behind us.

[3085] This stupid computer doesn't even have an HDMI out.

[3086] That's the thing about Apple's computers as opposed to PCs.

[3087] PCs have so many more outputs.

[3088] No, no, no. You have a display adapter, and all you do is get a display to HDMI adapter on eBay for $3.

[3089] No, no, no. Well, why don't they have a fucking outlet built into my goddamn laptop, son?

[3090] Because it's a smaller output.

[3091] Why isn't there a video out?

[3092] It does.

[3093] What video out?

[3094] It's on the side.

[3095] It's a mini display adapter.

[3096] Oh, that thing.

[3097] And you just get a mini display adapter to HDMI.

[3098] So we would do that and put it behind us.

[3099] Then what would we put on it?

[3100] We just have it as a second monitor behind us.

[3101] So you want to show a video, you just drag it to the behind us.

[3102] be talking, we should have just nothing but car accidents.

[3103] Totally.

[3104] Random rackets.

[3105] We'll have episodes like this week.

[3106] The problem with the green screen is we can't have video.

[3107] We have images, and that's not as cool.

[3108] You can do video.

[3109] You can do anything you want to behind us.

[3110] The green screen is just like old technology.

[3111] Why not have a huge LCD?

[3112] LCDs are so cheap nowadays.

[3113] Just have a crazy big LCD.

[3114] That would be 100 times better.

[3115] No, it wouldn't, though, because if you had a green screen, we could have fucking monsters running up behind us.

[3116] If we get a green screen, we'll get that stupid clipping where one of us will have like green hair, you know, and it just looks shitty.

[3117] Does it?

[3118] Yeah.

[3119] Green screen technology is not.

[3120] I've seen some good stuff with the green screen, and then you could plug.

[3121] The clipping apparently is from the lighting.

[3122] Yeah, lighting green screens are pretty tough.

[3123] You have to have power lighting in here, so we'd have to flood ourselves with lighting.

[3124] And none of us could wear a green tint of a shirt.

[3125] Well, today we would open.

[3126] We'd be fine.

[3127] We'd be golden.

[3128] We'll figure it out.

[3129] But the sound issue is done.

[3130] The video issue is done.

[3131] We change cameras.

[3132] We also use this Ustream producer thing now, so we have the option of having these HD cameras broadcast the show.

[3133] So that's the next step is we're going to set up more than one camera because right now we're all on this one couch like three monkeys.

[3134] But I have it set up so that there's another chair over there.

[3135] I don't know if I like this webcam, Joe.

[3136] No?

[3137] Why?

[3138] It keeps on going in and out of focus.

[3139] Right.

[3140] It's autofocus.

[3141] I wonder if that's the setting.

[3142] I don't think it is.

[3143] Who gives a fuck?

[3144] All right, ladies and gentlemen, sometimes we're blurry.

[3145] That's been the show this week.

[3146] It's 5 .45, and that's more than two and a half hours.

[3147] So thank you very much for tuning in.

[3148] We will be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel, Tuesday, as it were, or Wednesday, as I yelled at my manager.

[3149] And we'll see you, motherfuckers.

[3150] Thank you very much for tuning in.

[3151] Thanks again for everything.

[3152] Thanks for all the constructive criticism.

[3153] Thanks for coming to the shows.

[3154] I'll be in Canada soon.

[3155] I don't know the dates.

[3156] Sometime in June.

[3157] Go to JoeRogan .net.

[3158] It's all up there.

[3159] Next big show in America is in Vegas, House of Blues, July 2nd.

[3160] See you bitches there.

[3161] I don't know who's coming with me. Isn't that this weekend you have a show?

[3162] No, no shows this weekend.

[3163] Thank you very much, everybody, and we'll see you next week.

[3164] Redband .com.