Use This Checklist for Unmotivated or Defiant Kids

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[24] Do you have a child who lies, shifts blame, won't take responsibility?

[25] for himself, maybe is shut down.

[26] Good.

[27] Well, actually not good, but good because that means you're normal.

[28] And you probably have a strong will child like ours because I was basically just describing how Casey was and describing a kid we're going to talk about today.

[29] And I want to give you insight in today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[30] So welcome.

[31] My name is Kirk Martin.

[32] I'm founder of Celebrate Calm.

[33] Listen, if we can help you, that's what we exist to do.

[34] We're not a We're not a company or an organization.

[35] We're a family that helps other families just like yours, and we get it because we had 1 ,500 of these kids in our home.

[36] We have a child who you will be dealing with, our son, Casey.

[37] If you need anything, email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com.

[38] And he knows how to help you because he was your child, and he gets it.

[39] So if we can help you, let us know.

[40] and please do share this podcast share it with other families and I'm going to tell you a quick story of how this how helpful this is so just got an email in the past week from this family and they said hey we never heard about you but some friends said had no our son they're like hey you may find this helpful so they start playing the podcast in the car and at home because they're all home together and the kid this is cool and I'm going to share some insights with you the kid says, hey, what that guy's saying about curiosity is true.

[41] You don't determine what you're curious about.

[42] If you're not curious, you can't make yourself be interested or fascinated in something.

[43] You're born with certain things you're curious about.

[44] And so he got all over this concept we've been talking about during this COVID time when you're home is, why not use this to learn how your kids' brains are wired and what they're curious about and feed that.

[45] So, This kid, he's nine, and this is your kids.

[46] He starts going on our website.

[47] He's like, mom, dad, they've got a curiosity camp.

[48] I want to do it.

[49] And so the parents are like, well, it's kind of expensive.

[50] And so the kid, and this is your kids, is it not?

[51] He says, well, I know that we just got to, you just got to check for me from the CARES Act.

[52] And I would like to use my portion of that as if it's his to do this camp.

[53] And they're like, oh, how do we deal with this?

[54] So they agreed with him.

[55] Go ahead and do it.

[56] And here's a few things we've already found out because the first part of this is really discovering at a deeper, deeper level who your child is and what they struggle with and what's behind it.

[57] So three quick things we found out about this kid.

[58] They didn't even know about us until about two weeks ago.

[59] So you sharing this can be very, very helpful for families.

[60] This is a kid who gets very, very, very, frustrated when he can't accomplish something and wants to give up.

[61] And so part of the insight many of your kids is they get images in their brains.

[62] They picture things in their brains of what they want to do and what they want to accomplish, but it often exceeds their ability to actually create that vision, and then that will breed frustration, feelings of imperfection like I'm not good enough.

[63] And so that's really a tough thing for these kids.

[64] Second thing, parents were like, well, he's kind of sneaky because there's a confidential part of this, right?

[65] The kid doesn't get to hear all this.

[66] So the parents email me and we worked through some of these things.

[67] They're like, well, he's kind of sneaky.

[68] And so what I replied back was I think it's partly desire to try and do things without an adult looking over his shoulder.

[69] That is a huge insight for many of you because we are so on our kids all the time and we micromanage them in ways that our parents didn't.

[70] And so what kid is going to try something difficult or new if he knows his parents are watching and there to correct him and point out the right way and maybe you should do it this way?

[71] That's why they're sneaky sometimes because they want to have some space to feel safe to try things that they know might cause them to fail, right?

[72] And then some of the times they're sneaky because it's a brain stimulation issue and the kids who tinker with things who are sneaky like the challenge of not getting caught.

[73] And then third point, which I thought is really helpful for you is most parents will say, well, the reason we want to work on this is because we think it's an integrity issue from our child.

[74] And how I want to reframe it is I don't really think your child has integrity issues even though they blame.

[75] they lie, they sneak around.

[76] I think for most of your kids, it's that they don't feel confident and they feel like they don't measure up.

[77] Well, if you don't feel like you measure up, if you fail a lot, and if you're constantly getting consequences for doing things wrong, what's your natural impulse?

[78] You're going to lie, make things up, you're going to shift blame because it's about preserving its internal self -preservation.

[79] How many days in a row can you go with getting in trouble and having a parent or a teacher and adult point out what you did wrong until you finally figure out, I can't take it anymore because that means I must be a really bad person.

[80] And then when you start comparing to your perfect brother or sister, there's no way that the human spirit can put up with that.

[81] So what I want you to see is that the lying and the lack of integrity are outward markers of something happening inside, right?

[82] And so that's what I want to get to with your kids with following their curiosity and using their gifts, talents, and passions during this time to do long -term projects and get their brains engaged and get them feeling confident.

[83] because a lot of this frustration and other things start to go away when you start to use their strength.

[84] So anyway, that was a little bonus.

[85] If you're interested, you can look up the CelebrateCalm .com.

[86] There's a little tab that says camp.

[87] It's our curiosity camp.

[88] We are full, I believe, for April.

[89] I'm only working with a select number of families any one time so we can go really deep on this.

[90] right it's like this is heavy heavy mentoring from me and from my son casey so we can get into this stuff at a deep level because your kids are very deep right so let's um let me hit this thing on motivation what i want to get to i have an idea for you and i'm going to call it the checklist right it's a checklist i want you to hear this idea it's a really cool one so um you're dealing with a child and he doesn't want to do a school work and especially since teachers aren't any really grading stuff.

[91] There's no grade.

[92] But even without this COVID -19 thing, this is going to happen to you in the fall.

[93] It's going to happen with most of your kids.

[94] You're not motivated.

[95] So you're going to say, like, listen, I'm not mad at you.

[96] I'm just curious, because I love that language.

[97] I'm curious.

[98] I'm curious why you feel like you don't want to do your schoolwork or your chores or anything else we ask you to do.

[99] And it's likely your kids are going to be like, I don't know.

[100] So why not provide you?

[101] a checklist.

[102] And I did this with, I've been doing this with families that are going through our programs, and I do this on the no BS program.

[103] And so provide a checklist, right?

[104] So instead of like just asking your child, well, what's going on?

[105] Because they may not respond.

[106] Just, you could type this out.

[107] And I may put this in a newsletter.

[108] So if you don't get our newsletter, go to celebratecom .com.

[109] Sign up.

[110] There's a free newsletter.

[111] Sign up for it.

[112] It'll come to your inbox.

[113] Or you can email Casey at celebrate calm .com and just say, I want the newsletter, sign me up, and he'll put your email address in.

[114] And I think what I'll do this week is I'll put these questions and so you can copy and paste and actually just either send an email to your child or maybe print them out with little boxes in them and say, hey, do any of these situations, any of these feelings apply to you, right?

[115] And here, here are like 10 or 15 of them.

[116] Well, I simply don't care that much about school.

[117] Okay, makes sense to me. I don't see a reason to put the extra effort in because many of your kids are going to do the minimal work necessary just to get by, which is actually very brilliant.

[118] I don't feel motivated to do anything right now.

[119] I feel like I can never live up to your expectations.

[120] If that's true, you want to hear it.

[121] You want to know that because you can do something about that.

[122] I feel like I can never live up to the schools or teachers' expectations.

[123] I've always been cared to, compared to my brother or sister, and I'm just not as smart as him or her.

[124] You want to find that out as well.

[125] It's one of the deepest feelings that human beings have had since the beginning of time.

[126] Kane and Abel.

[127] It caused one kid to kill his brother, and that has not changed throughout the history of mankind.

[128] Look, these things look I do a just so you know I do a calm Christian parenting podcast so if you're a person of faith listen to that I go into a little bit deeper but even if you just want to take these ancient stories as stories and metaphors that reflect human nature then you do that and you find out that the first human being in a perfect place a garden got bored and decided to do the bad thing ate from the tree he wasn't supposed to do go for it so that's what many of your kids are doing right they're bored and so they decide to get the brain stimulation and do what they're not supposed to do it's very much human nature and many of you actually do that in your lives why you procrastinate and why you self -sabotize yourself sometimes and then what did that first human human being apparently do when he was caught he lied and blamed it on his wife right how to Tell me where that has changed in human history.

[129] So what we're talking about here is understanding human nature.

[130] It doesn't change.

[131] Technology doesn't change human nature.

[132] Some ways it just makes it more obvious and speeds things along a little bit.

[133] So I feel here's some other things on this checklist.

[134] I feel incapable.

[135] Oh, you want to know that.

[136] I don't feel like I fit in.

[137] I've never had many friends and don't feel accepted socially.

[138] It feels like I have to work 10 times harder than other kids just to do simple schoolwork.

[139] You want to hear that, especially if kids have dyslexia or learning disabilities.

[140] I feel like you compare me to who you are and I'm just different than you.

[141] Oh, that would be awesome to hear.

[142] It feels like you've never really been pleased with anything I've done.

[143] It feels like it's never good enough.

[144] I'm simply tired of you nagging me and reminding me and lecturing me. To be honest, I don't feel like you really like me, so I just stopped trying.

[145] So those are some examples.

[146] You may put all of them on this list and text them to your child, print them out, and say this, just say, we want to hear, we want to know what's going on.

[147] You don't have to talk to us about it because some of your kids don't trust you to talk to them right now because you overreact all the time, right?

[148] true then own up to it right have just put little check marks on the boxes and have them just leave that for you somewhere or email back or text back and tell you the ones that apply to them and then here's what I want you to do listen listen really listen don't counter any of your child's points legitimize and acknowledges and acknowledge how your child perceives things because that's his or her reality, right?

[149] Does that make sense?

[150] I'm going to say it again because it's really important.

[151] And on the no BS program, we go through this in great detail of how to actually listen to your child, because here's what we do as parents.

[152] We hear this and we get defensive.

[153] Well, honey, that's not quite true.

[154] you know what I just want to and then we begin it is the same thing that husbands do to wives when wives tell a husband something's like well honey you're just overreacting you just didn't realize how many times right we do this all the time to other people in our lives because we get defensive and that's a normal human thing to do to get defensive but I want you to fight it because it makes things worse so I want you to really listen and take it to heart if your child feels this way that's how he perceives things that's his reality and you have to deal with his reality because if you try to overcome that or dismiss it he will shut down further and basically say i tried to tell you what i was feeling and once again you don't listen i'm done and then you will just have lost your child right and we don't want that to happen okay and i had this written down and i used some bad words because this isn't the Christian podcast version of the podcast, but I won't use the words.

[155] But I said, remember, you're the grown up to start acting like it.

[156] You're the grown up.

[157] You're the grown up.

[158] We're the adults, right?

[159] I know, but he's a child.

[160] He's being disrespectful.

[161] No, you gave him a list, and he just happened to check off like eight things.

[162] And that freaked you out.

[163] And I wanted to freak you out at first.

[164] But what I don't, I don't want it to freak you out.

[165] I want it to be, I want it to be a, um, a little alarm bell inside that goes off and says, we've got a relationship here, problem here, because it always comes down to relationships, right?

[166] So listen, acknowledge it.

[167] So here's the response I got from this parents.

[168] And this is very telling.

[169] And I'm not picking on them because this is really hard when you're in the middle of doing this, right?

[170] You're a middle of raising a strong -willed child.

[171] And you're six or eight or 14 or 4 or whatever many years in.

[172] So they said, well, we found out that he was lying to us and using the computer play games during the times he wasn't supposed to, man, it's really hard to find consequences at the age of 13.

[173] And my response inside is, of course he's lying and sneaking his video games.

[174] It's his way of disappearing, of hiding, of connecting with his friends.

[175] And the truth is, there are no consequences for this because it's much, much deeper.

[176] so I gave the parents this checklist and I said discover this about your child so here's what they found out and this this is cool he told us that he's not good at anything and he does not feel accepted or that he belongs anywhere he has a lot of friends so that was surprising to us and we can see that his video games provide a release of stress because he actually feels successful when he's playing video games.

[177] The hardest thing is controlling our own anxiety.

[178] That's so hard.

[179] And what I wrote back to them was bingo.

[180] Bingo, bingo, bingo.

[181] That, that, that is what you need to focus on.

[182] It's not about consequences.

[183] It's about helping foster those internal needs.

[184] It's about building his confidence.

[185] Because watch, a confident kid is passionate about what he's doing, a confident kid who is following his curiosity.

[186] You don't have to do the curiosity camp.

[187] I put it on there.

[188] If you go to the page, I show you the process we use, right?

[189] So you don't have to do our camp.

[190] You can do it on your own.

[191] We just have a lot of insight can help you with this a little bit more.

[192] But you don't do it, we'll show you how to do it.

[193] But on the no BS program, I go through 25 action steps.

[194] And we've discounted that thing from $300 to $99.

[195] bucks.

[196] It is an invaluable tool of 25 action steps.

[197] The way I see it is it's four bucks an action step.

[198] It can completely change your relationship with this child.

[199] But watch this.

[200] A confident child doesn't shut down.

[201] A confident child who is using his gifts, talents, and passions to help or serve other people, right?

[202] Who feels good about himself because he's doing something he's good at, who's being acknowledged by other adults who are saying, man, you've got a gift in that area.

[203] You could use, you could, you could do that the rest of your life.

[204] You can make some money doing that.

[205] See, a confident kid doesn't shut down.

[206] A confident kid doesn't have to blame other people.

[207] A confident child doesn't pick on his siblings out of resentment because he's too busy running his own little business, doing a service project, creating and making things, and following his curiosity to notice all these other things, right?

[208] It's also about your anxiety.

[209] So you've got to figure out what triggers you inside.

[210] What fears and anxieties come outside of you?

[211] That's an important step to take.

[212] But you just discovered some good insight about your child and how he's feeling.

[213] So you keep exploring there and reassuring him instead of feeding him your anxiety.

[214] Does that make sense?

[215] Because it's relationships that change behavior.

[216] And if your child feels like you don't believe in him, like you've compared him unfavorably to siblings or peers or yourselves, he's going to shut down.

[217] And so no consequences are pleading are going to help there.

[218] Here's some action steps that you'll learn in the programs about I'll give him to you right now.

[219] You've got to release that child from these false expectations that he can never live up to.

[220] Instead of doubling down, I'm not talking about letting him get away with whatever he wants, not at all.

[221] And I'm not talking about not having expectations.

[222] I want to have high expectations, but not false expectations.

[223] And you're probably putting on him the expectations that you've had of yourself, and you are two different people, and you have to release your child from those things, or else he is going to shut down or get very, very angry.

[224] You're going to have to accept your child on a deep level, that your child is not you, and that you are either very, very different or you are exactly alike.

[225] And your anxiety and fear that he's going to make the same mistakes that you made is going to cause you to press and push that child so much that you get the very outcome that you feared.

[226] You've got to genuinely enjoy this child who's different than you or who's just like you, who's strong will.

[227] Otherwise, your child will fight you.

[228] They will end up vaping or seeking the wrong crowd where they'll simply do nothing and appear listless.

[229] Your child isn't lazy.

[230] He just doesn't care about the things you care about.

[231] And those are two very different things.

[232] Does that make sense?

[233] Your child isn't lazy.

[234] He's just not motivated by the things that motivate you.

[235] And so by using this checklist and going through this process, what we want discover is what does motivate your child.

[236] And once we find what motivates your child, what he or she is curious about, now we can build some motivation, now we can build some confidence, and that's where we want to go with this.

[237] Does that make sense?

[238] Let's go through that process.

[239] Sign up for the newsletter because I'll send out these questions so you can cut and paste.

[240] If you need help, email Casey at celebrate calm .com.

[241] He will help you.

[242] You can find the website.

[243] can find the no BS program.

[244] It's called no BS.

[245] Pretty clear.

[246] And I'll tell you that program, I love that program because we will save you so many power struggles right over those kids who will not try their hardest because they're not right now.

[247] We're going to save you power struggles with your toddlers because I'll let you know that your toddlers probably are not going to pick up all of their toys and you're going to freak out and think if he doesn't pick up all of his toys when he's five or six or eight or nine, how's you ever going to be successful in life?

[248] How's he going to be responsible and you're going to lecture and yell and I guarantee you're going to find yourselves down on your hands and knees helping that child pick up as toys.

[249] And we'll show you how to get your kids doing their chores, but it's not going to be the rigid way you've always done it.

[250] It's going to irritate you.

[251] That's part of my job is to provoke you and challenge you.

[252] You know why?

[253] Because then you change and you begin to accept this child.

[254] You begin to learn how his brain works and his heart works and you reach deep inside of there and you will find a child who's very, very bright with a big heart who other people absolutely love and rave about because they see the good things in that child when you start focusing on the good things and affirming the good choices that they make and instead of saying note everything you say yes to things they can and you create successes these kids can be wildly successful thank you for joining us in this spread this news spread the podcast share the podcast if we can help you in any way let us know but thank you for digging in being honest with yourself and being willing to change because it's a really cool thing because you're going to change yourself, you're going to change your entire family.

[255] And that's what we're about is breaking generational patterns and creating new family tree.

[256] And that's a pretty awesome endeavor to take on in life.

[257] That's really cool.

[258] So thanks for joining us on that journey.

[259] Let us know if we can help you, okay?

[260] Love you all.

[261] Bye -bye.