Armchair Anonymous: Sexcapades

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchaired Anonymous.

[4] We still haven't figured out if it's arm -chared or armchair.

[5] It's fun because each time it might be different.

[6] I did it again, is what you're saying?

[7] No, I like it.

[8] No, I think it's fun.

[9] It's like a game.

[10] Okay.

[11] Let me try it again.

[12] Armchair Anonymous.

[13] I'm Phil.

[14] And I'm Tristan.

[15] Yeah, because we're anonymous in these.

[16] Oh, yeah, that's fun.

[17] This one was juicy.

[18] You liked this one a lot.

[19] So did I. Very fun.

[20] Yeah, sex capades, aka getting caught.

[21] Coy does interrupt us?

[22] Well, no. A time you thought something was going to be sexy and it wasn't.

[23] Okay.

[24] That's right.

[25] I got that one wrong.

[26] We got some good stories to share.

[27] And we're only turning up the heat.

[28] He's getting.

[29] Oh, shit, I'm doing it again.

[30] Where I say, like, better ones are coming.

[31] Remember last time I was like, yeah.

[32] I know.

[33] You keep undermining the episode that's about to be.

[34] No, these are so fun.

[35] They are so fun.

[36] We didn't have one last Friday because there was five Fridays in the month.

[37] And so we only do four.

[38] And Perfect 10 Charlie asked me, like, what happened to Armchair Anonymous this week?

[39] He was sad.

[40] Oh, good.

[41] That's a good sign if he's sad.

[42] That's what we're aiming for.

[43] We love people to be sad.

[44] That's the goal.

[45] Yeah.

[46] Okay.

[47] All right, so enjoy armchair is getting sexy, but not so sexy.

[48] Take him slow You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining Can you hear us Kurt?

[49] Are you there?

[50] Oh, we can't hear Kurt.

[51] Is he in Blackmold Paradise?

[52] He's shirtless in a gymnasium.

[53] This is perfect.

[54] If we can just get his audio.

[55] In fact, I don't even know that we need his audio.

[56] Maybe the sex story is going to tell us about his fucking ever gym.

[57] This is so perfect for his sex story.

[58] It is.

[59] Yay, we did it.

[60] Totally blew it.

[61] No, it is okay.

[62] Listen, mistakes.

[63] I know.

[64] We were excited you had your shirt off.

[65] I mean, I could take it off again if you'd prefer it.

[66] It seems to me you've got your own black mold paradise happening.

[67] You're in a basement?

[68] Yeah, mine is Stash Gerard Pump Palace.

[69] Stash Gerard Pump Palace.

[70] Yes, yeah.

[71] And there hasn't been a whole lot of pump on lately.

[72] Works been busy, kids running around sports, all that thing.

[73] but I need to get back into it for sure.

[74] Squeeze it in when you can.

[75] Exactly.

[76] Well, you look very fit.

[77] You do.

[78] Yeah, it's not taking any toll on your physique.

[79] Yeah, you know, thank you very much.

[80] Am I calling you by your real name for this?

[81] Sure, go ahead.

[82] Kurt, nice to meet you.

[83] You must be in the Midwest if you're in a basement.

[84] I am, yeah.

[85] So I am in central Wisconsin via Seamy Valley, Oregon, and Denver.

[86] Nice.

[87] Oh, my God.

[88] That seems like the opposite trajectory.

[89] It seems like you leave Wisconsin and go to all those places.

[90] My wife is from the small town that we live in now, a little happenstance.

[91] I died two years ago.

[92] And so after that whole ordeal, you know, it decided to slow life down and moved to Wisconsin.

[93] Did you have a heart attack?

[94] No. On January 26th to 2020, I had strep the flu pneumonia.

[95] So this was before COVID.

[96] I had a really bad cough for two days.

[97] I went to the urgent care.

[98] They're like, you're really sick.

[99] I'm like, okay, if you say so, they put me in an ambulance, took me to the ER.

[100] Then they go, you're really sick.

[101] We need to life light you to a hospital.

[102] Oh, my gosh.

[103] Our car had broken down the day before.

[104] So I Ubered to urgent care.

[105] And then my wife Ubered to the ER.

[106] They told her at the ER, okay, we're lifelighting to this other hospital because we can't take care of them here.

[107] The Uber beats the helicopter coming down.

[108] Oh, Jesus.

[109] Yeah, I know.

[110] I code.

[111] And I was only dead for 30 seconds, so not that big of day.

[112] Oh, my God.

[113] Okay.

[114] Yeah.

[115] And then things went really bad, steptic, all organs failing.

[116] On night two, they told my wife, things are not looking good.

[117] Everything's going downhill.

[118] His organs are shutting down.

[119] And then they said, we've got one Hail Mary.

[120] We're going to do an incision on his abdomen to relieve the pressure.

[121] They did it in the ICU room.

[122] They sliced me open.

[123] Did bile and all kinds of stuff ooze out?

[124] Ew.

[125] Not so much.

[126] It was just more gas pressure that was there.

[127] And so you'll probably...

[128] Oh, that's more than an incision.

[129] You're downplaying it.

[130] They cut you and half.

[131] They field dressed you.

[132] Wait, and so this is because of pneumonia.

[133] Is how it started?

[134] Is that what you said?

[135] So it was strep, the flu, and pneumonia all at once.

[136] Oh, my God.

[137] You responded to the wrong prompt.

[138] You should have responded to, tell us about a time you died.

[139] Or tell us about time you had three diseases at once.

[140] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[141] Well, you know, we could put that in the can for a future prompt.

[142] I almost thought for a second, since this is tell us about a romantic sex capade that turned out to be not romantic.

[143] I half was expecting that was a story.

[144] And then the last ditch effort was his wife got on him in the hospital bed.

[145] I was like, is that where this is going?

[146] Brought you back to life.

[147] Yeah.

[148] No, I took a little detour there.

[149] Oh, I like it.

[150] I liked it.

[151] Okay, so set the stage.

[152] You're married.

[153] Was this sex capade with your wife or a previous lover?

[154] So this is with my wife, but prior to us knowing that we would be man and wife.

[155] Okay.

[156] So living in sin.

[157] Yes.

[158] So we met in January of 2006, Valentine's Day is coming up.

[159] but we're casually dating.

[160] What do you do when you're that early?

[161] Do you do something?

[162] Yeah.

[163] Great question.

[164] You don't want to come on too strong.

[165] Exactly, all the things.

[166] So I broached the subject with her.

[167] I don't remember exactly how I brought it up.

[168] I was like, you know, Valentine's Day come to, should we do something?

[169] And then she goes, we should make a sex tape.

[170] Oh.

[171] That is a great idea.

[172] Wow.

[173] Your wife is fun.

[174] Yeah.

[175] I can't say no to that.

[176] And at the time, I was working in film and television production in Portland.

[177] I had myself a nice little GL2 mini DV camera.

[178] Beautiful, a Canon product, nice dependable rig.

[179] And so I said, all right, well, I know how to set this up.

[180] So at least I thought I did.

[181] I was like, this is in.

[182] Okay, I got my camera.

[183] I'm going to try and get some other cameras, get some multiple angles going in on this.

[184] Yeah.

[185] Shoot it like a multi -cam, like a sitcom.

[186] Exactly, definitely.

[187] I've got Final Cup Pro.

[188] I'll stitch it together, edit it all up.

[189] Make it real nice.

[190] And so she does the production design.

[191] She's got candles everywhere.

[192] She's got a bed on the ground.

[193] with a nice red blanket.

[194] So I get all the camera set.

[195] We're ready to go.

[196] She goes out to change and I'm sitting on the bed ready to go.

[197] She comes in.

[198] She's in like a French maid outfit.

[199] Very nice.

[200] Very lovely.

[201] Wow.

[202] Classes.

[203] And then slowly from there, you know, things start progressing.

[204] As they do.

[205] I haven't seen it in basically 16 years.

[206] Recently, I got it back out.

[207] Dusted it off?

[208] I dusted it off.

[209] I found the tapes and I thought they were missing forever.

[210] But anyways, at like at one point, she's got thigh high stockings.

[211] and I'm going to pull them off and I'm pulling up by the toe and it just like goes and snaps back onto her foot I'm like all right that's not sexy and then she laughs and we're laughing and you know I get them off and then get all the accoutrement off and then at one point she undoes her bra and toss her side and then we're going at it like you do and a little while into that she goes do you smell something burning oh oh I look over and she had tossed the bra onto a set of candles that were on the ground.

[212] And so I look over the bed because they were on the ground and I quickly jump over because I see the bra like catching fire.

[213] There are flames coming on the bra.

[214] So I pick it up real quick and shake it out.

[215] But at the same time, I grab the clasp.

[216] And it burns my hand.

[217] And so I throw it.

[218] And we kind of go laughing and, you know, fall back into the thing.

[219] And my hand is killing.

[220] I end up having a blister because of it.

[221] Okay.

[222] But the show most go on.

[223] Yes, yes, that's right.

[224] Despite the fire, okay.

[225] Yeah, I don't let it deter me too much, and we roll right back into everything.

[226] And you got it done.

[227] And I got it done.

[228] Why didn't you ever edit this together?

[229] Just because it was so flawed from the fire fiasco that you were like, there's nothing for me to stitch together, or you had your fun?

[230] That's an excellent question.

[231] I watched it initially because I wanted to see what it looked like.

[232] But after watching it, it just wasn't as exciting to watch myself as I anticipated it would be.

[233] Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[234] And so I was like, hmm, I don't want to watch this.

[235] Right.

[236] You can only focus so hard on your girlfriend.

[237] You're going to catch glimpses of yourself.

[238] And you're like, oh, that's what my ass looks like in that position.

[239] That's a bummer.

[240] You know, I'm going to argue that you should actually edit it together as a comment.

[241] Like forget the sex part.

[242] Just make it about that bra catching on fire and all that shit.

[243] And that might make a really hilarious little short film for you guys.

[244] Now, it's funny you say that because when I found these tapes 16 years later, I decided I need to edit these.

[245] Yes.

[246] And so I sparked up the good old Mac Tower that can only process standard definition video.

[247] And I did put it together.

[248] You did.

[249] I did.

[250] Yeah.

[251] And what do you think now?

[252] That was 15 years ago.

[253] So now you look even hotter than you thought you did back then.

[254] Yeah, I'm going to tell you, it's fucking hot.

[255] Okay.

[256] Yeah.

[257] And you've got a time capsule of your bride in 2006?

[258] Yeah, it was excellent.

[259] Now, she has not seen it yet.

[260] Why not?

[261] I got to broach the subject because I can't just be like, hey, the kids are in bed, pull it up on the iPad and be like.

[262] That's exactly what you can do, by the way.

[263] I will bring it out, but I'm going to do it when we have a weekend or something.

[264] She's probably going to minimally hate it.

[265] Can I pitch something to you?

[266] Definitely, please do.

[267] Valentine's weekend, 2023.

[268] It'll at that point be your 17th, Valentine's together.

[269] You book a little somewhere fun, and then you go, I got a present for you.

[270] Is there 17th?

[271] And I want to take you back to our first one.

[272] And then you pop it on and then get ready to pound.

[273] Well, no, and then in the other room, you have.

[274] of another setup.

[275] Oh, my God, with many bras on fire, already on fire, as part of the set deck.

[276] Yes, I like that idea.

[277] It's like a kiss concert, you know, just flames.

[278] Pyrotechnics, flash cans, or whatever they're called.

[279] Okay, I got to ask Monica, a sincere question.

[280] Okay.

[281] If you could, would you watch the video?

[282] Having now met her.

[283] I would need permission from his wife.

[284] Both of them.

[285] Just do you want to see it?

[286] Yeah.

[287] Yeah, me too.

[288] I'm not asking you too.

[289] No, we're not going to do that.

[290] We're not asking you to, but I've just, I wanted to make sure I wasn't the only per.

[291] You know, he's painted a pretty scene with the red comforter and the candles.

[292] I had much cooler hair back then.

[293] Well, you're Portland in 06.

[294] I know what hair you had.

[295] You don't have to tell me. But I bet, okay, when you do your sequel, I also want to see that because now you have a renowned zest for life after you died.

[296] Ooh.

[297] So maybe the sex is actually better now.

[298] But he didn't say they have kids.

[299] Yeah, but.

[300] So, I mean.

[301] It'd be an interesting experiment.

[302] You can probably relate to this.

[303] And I think most people will have been in long -term marriages.

[304] My wife kind of treats sex like exercise.

[305] Yeah.

[306] Really happy.

[307] When she does it, it feels great and she's happy to have done it.

[308] But it's never something she's looking forward to.

[309] We won't paint with too broad of a brush, but I have a lot of married friends, and that's pretty consistent.

[310] It's one of those things where it's like afterwards, it's always like, that's so fun.

[311] We should do that more.

[312] Yeah, exactly.

[313] Okay, I'll see you.

[314] I'll see you in a couple months.

[315] Kurt, that was an awesome story.

[316] I really appreciate you telling that to us.

[317] That's terrific.

[318] And if we get a video in our email, anonymously...

[319] Whatever.

[320] Who knows?

[321] Yeah.

[322] On that note, did you by chance receive a package between Christmas and New Year's?

[323] Because I sent you guys a care package.

[324] What was in it?

[325] Monica, you're going to like this.

[326] My wife makes jewelry.

[327] And so it was some handmade one -of -a -kind earrings.

[328] Limited a dish.

[329] I sent some for you and Kristen.

[330] I had a belt buckle.

[331] I don't know if you wore belt buckles, but it was a...

[332] Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[333] What was the belt buckle?

[334] Car -related?

[335] 1969 Dodge Charger.

[336] That belt buckle is in my nightstand.

[337] Well, no one gave me my earrings.

[338] I bet Kristen has your earrings.

[339] Oh, my God.

[340] And then also, you talked about your calendar, right?

[341] Uh -huh.

[342] Yeah.

[343] So in 2008, I made, for my friends for Christmas, the man -meat calendar.

[344] There's a bunch of us all in very sexy poses.

[345] And I was like, it's a big swing.

[346] I'll throw it out there.

[347] I'll tell you what happens.

[348] So my sister's in charge all that, right?

[349] She'll go through whatever mail we get.

[350] If you've ever seen a Walmart distribution center on the side of the highway, that's what our house looks like on any given day.

[351] So my sister goes through stuff and she tries to like someone sends me pubic care that goes in the trash.

[352] You know, so I wonder if she's like, oh, he'll love this belt buckle.

[353] I don't know about the calendar.

[354] She might have made a game day decision that I wouldn't have loved the.

[355] calendar, but.

[356] We would have, though.

[357] Absolutely.

[358] And I'll, I'll question her about this.

[359] I'm going to interrogate her to see if this calendar's anywhere.

[360] We appreciate it.

[361] We really appreciate it.

[362] That's really nice to you.

[363] So this is very sim, because I was thinking, like, I wish I could find a way to ask them.

[364] You know, like, how can that happen?

[365] Then months later, you're like, oh, we're going to do this new thing.

[366] I was like, all right, I've got plenty of stories.

[367] Yes.

[368] That's obvious to me. This has been a party.

[369] I'm going to try to track down the calendar, and we love you.

[370] You're a party.

[371] Monica, you should do mushrooms again.

[372] Okay.

[373] Because the first time you're scared, you don't know what you're doing.

[374] The second time, you can be like, oh, wait, my hands aren't grandma hands.

[375] I'm just tripping on mushrooms.

[376] That's true.

[377] Different expectations.

[378] You go straight to the pleasure part.

[379] Yeah.

[380] I've done it like twice in the last nine years because I got children and all.

[381] Yeah.

[382] This is good to know.

[383] Good tip.

[384] Yeah, good tip.

[385] Kurt, we love you.

[386] Thanks for your time.

[387] That was awesome.

[388] Thank you so much.

[389] Bye.

[390] Be well.

[391] guy was awesome he fucking started with no shirt he died he died i think he needs his own show hello oh oh my gosh this isn't my baby oh he's cute now right incredibly cute is that a little boy is a little girl it's a little girl i won't tell the mother that happens that's okay well actually it's 22 we don't know she could be whatever she wants that's right we're not going to put her in a box Okay, Annalisa?

[392] Annalise.

[393] Annalise.

[394] Very close, but not a cigar.

[395] Okay, so presumably you have a story that...

[396] A sex capade that you thought would be romantic, but then turned out being a little bit of a disaster.

[397] Well, it was still romantic, but it was still a disaster.

[398] Okay.

[399] My husband and I run our honeymoon.

[400] This is like three years ago, and we're not very fancy.

[401] So we just went to Martin Head.

[402] It's a beach.

[403] It's one of our favorite spots in New Brunswick.

[404] It's like a few hours away, but you have to take a truck or a four -wheeler or like something of that nature to get there.

[405] People do bring their cars there, but then they get their oil pans ripped off and they stay down there forever.

[406] Sure, sure.

[407] It's a graveyard.

[408] Yes, pretty much.

[409] Do you camp while you're out there?

[410] So we were like, perfect.

[411] We're alone on our honeymoon.

[412] Great.

[413] This is wonderful.

[414] So we decided to go kayaking.

[415] So we grabbed our kayaks and we got in the ocean and we whipped away to a little beach.

[416] You can't walk to it.

[417] We were the only people there.

[418] So we get out and we explore a little bit.

[419] But then we get down to proper honeymoon business.

[420] Whoopi.

[421] Yeah, a lot of it.

[422] It was our honeymoon.

[423] So we were like, let's get it all out there.

[424] Yeah.

[425] We did it all.

[426] It was long, and it was loud.

[427] Oh, wonderful.

[428] It was so great because we're all alone, so it doesn't matter.

[429] And so we finished up a little while later.

[430] And then we were like, oh, well, let's just explore a little more.

[431] We're naked.

[432] We're walking around.

[433] We're doing our thing, having a great time.

[434] Post -coital bliss.

[435] Absolutely.

[436] It was so beautiful.

[437] And we're like, oh, okay, we should go back.

[438] So we start to get our clothes on.

[439] And we're still, like, right into each other and kissing.

[440] And we're almost the kayaks, and we hear a sneeze.

[441] Uh -oh.

[442] Oh, oh, oh.

[443] We were like, no. We just froze.

[444] And you're naked still.

[445] We have her clothes on at this point, but like, I mean, we had been naked.

[446] I'm going to say minimum of an hour.

[447] Minimum.

[448] Like, plus the exploring.

[449] It was a long time.

[450] We turn around, like, so slowly because we were in shock.

[451] And this group of tourists.

[452] A group.

[453] Oh, no. They're standing in the trees.

[454] Like above you?

[455] They were quite a ways away.

[456] But what we failed to even bother to think of is that Martin Head is slowly becoming a part of the Fundy Trail.

[457] It takes a few days to hike and they've slowly been making Martin Head a part of it.

[458] And there's a waterfall right there.

[459] Oh, sure.

[460] That people take the time to go see and we were the extra attraction.

[461] Big time.

[462] Those lucky travelers.

[463] Oh, they're so lucky.

[464] Were they?

[465] Yes.

[466] Because it sounds like it was a very primal experience.

[467] It was unbridled.

[468] And they're all standing there with their actual jaws dropped.

[469] We just kind of waved and ran.

[470] You gave them a wave.

[471] Did anyone respond?

[472] No, they just.

[473] Mouth agape.

[474] Wow.

[475] And they were very clearly not Canadian.

[476] So those poor people.

[477] A, those lucky people.

[478] B, what a great ambassador for Canada, you two were.

[479] Like, if I'm from Singapore and I go to Canada and I see that the citizens are making wild love on the beach and then frolicking nude in the...

[480] This is what the locals do.

[481] Yes.

[482] They've witnessed Eden.

[483] I bet you cause some fights, though, because if there were any couples, they're probably upset.

[484] We don't do this.

[485] We're not really in love.

[486] Why are we doing this?

[487] Yes, very triggering.

[488] Have you been back?

[489] To that specific beach?

[490] Yeah, yeah.

[491] Yes.

[492] The same thing happened, but we, scouted out.

[493] Oh, you've made love there a second time.

[494] It didn't deter you.

[495] I like that.

[496] I mean, it's our beach.

[497] Oh, my God.

[498] I'm going to hike this trail.

[499] I got to find out the next time you guys are going out there and then Monica and I'll take a little hike.

[500] I mean, it's actually this weekend or next weekend if you're available.

[501] We got to get the New Brunswick.

[502] Oh, my God.

[503] There will be a show there at 5 p .m. I've never explored this kink, but not because I'm opposed to it, but is there any party that's like, hmm, that was kind of hot?

[504] Yeah.

[505] You know, a lot of people are exhibitionist that way.

[506] Well, I was just going to say exhibitionism isn't one of our things.

[507] But when I was telling Colby about this, I was like, do you mind if I put this out there?

[508] And he was like, no. Have you thought about doing that again?

[509] Yes.

[510] There we go.

[511] And I was like, not a purpose.

[512] And he was like, you should just think about it.

[513] Oh, I like this.

[514] I do wonder, I bet it does something really interesting.

[515] Oh, I bet it's very hot.

[516] I wonder, though, if it's planned, if that's a different type of thrill.

[517] Well, I think it would be a thrill.

[518] if it was planned.

[519] If you find out you're, I mean, for lack of a better word, kind of violated.

[520] Caught.

[521] Yeah, you didn't know.

[522] You weren't in on any of it.

[523] But if you told yourself, oh, this is going to be hot and then the people that want to watch, they want to watch, you know, and then no one's forcing anyone to stare at this activity.

[524] I witnessed this.

[525] This was incredible.

[526] I'm in Central Park with my little girls.

[527] At the time, we're probably five and two.

[528] We're climbing around this rock structure in Central Park.

[529] And I look over and I'm like, That gal is sitting on top of her boyfriend.

[530] He's upright.

[531] She has her dress up.

[532] And at first I thought it was making, yes, in the park.

[533] And then they just started making love.

[534] I mean, they were fucking, like, rabbits.

[535] Oh, my God.

[536] And there was a point where my kids were just staring at them.

[537] As he would be.

[538] Yeah, they didn't know really what was going on.

[539] And I'm videoing it, right?

[540] Didn't I not send this to you, Mama?

[541] No, I don't know the story.

[542] So then we move on.

[543] I'm like, all right, this is probably going to get involved.

[544] Some nudity at some point.

[545] Clothes are going to come up.

[546] So I take the girls up the hill.

[547] Well, when I get up to the top of the hill, isn't there two NYPD officers sitting in the woods watching the whole thing?

[548] No. Yes, I swear to God.

[549] And I go, boy, these two are just fucking out in public, huh?

[550] And they're like, yeah, pretty wild, huh?

[551] I'm like, yeah, very wild.

[552] And then we just moved on.

[553] Are you allowed to?

[554] No. I can't imagine you are.

[555] It's definitely illegal.

[556] But I think most people would be like, well, what if there were kids present?

[557] And I was like, well, mine were there and everything's kind of okay.

[558] I guess what I'm saying is, like, no one really minded.

[559] Again, they weren't nude, but they were a thousand percent fucking.

[560] No one minded because you were the parent you are.

[561] There are parents that would be like, exactly.

[562] We're traumatized.

[563] Yeah, the kids will never be the same.

[564] Well, again, kids historically have grown up very closely to people having sex.

[565] We all lived in a one -room house for 150 ,000 years.

[566] So I just have that knowledge.

[567] They're actually supposed to have some awareness of sex.

[568] It's not like they're supposed to wait until 18 and try to figure the whole thing out.

[569] That's a side note.

[570] I'm probably going to get blasted for that.

[571] Such a side note.

[572] Such a side note.

[573] Well, Annalise, that was a very titillating story.

[574] I'm very happy for everyone involved, truly.

[575] Because you've got a great story out of it, and they've been telling that story forever, the witnesses.

[576] I always thought those poor people, but you really just enlightened me. I think the funniest part for them is probably just you guys exploring naked.

[577] Like, oh my God, now they're just walking around?

[578] Yeah, you come for the sex, but then you stick around for the peculiarity of this exploration edition.

[579] Yeah.

[580] You'd start going like, God, they're going to walk barefoot.

[581] I think my feet would hurt, you know, whatever things you start thinking.

[582] They're very vulnerable to pray.

[583] I just want to know how long they were there.

[584] I wish we had stayed and asked.

[585] I doubt they would have had a comfortable conversation with that, but that's really all I want to know.

[586] I hope they saw the whole thing.

[587] I really do.

[588] I really hope that.

[589] Well, great getting to talk to you.

[590] And thanks so much for sharing that story.

[591] Yes, this is so exciting for me. My sister turned me on to you guys like a year or two ago, and I've listened to every episode since.

[592] Oh, thank you.

[593] And it sounds like your sister must be a genius.

[594] Yeah, she's really good.

[595] Lacia.

[596] Shout out.

[597] You're wonderful.

[598] Well, thank you so much, and really nice talking to you.

[599] Bye.

[600] We've all been there.

[601] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[602] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[603] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was.

[604] found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[605] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[606] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[607] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[608] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[609] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[610] Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[611] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[612] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[613] And I don't mean just friends.

[614] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[615] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[616] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[617] Hello.

[618] Hi.

[619] Should we call you by your real name or a code name?

[620] My real name's fine.

[621] Okay, great.

[622] So, Caitlin, where are you at in America?

[623] Right now, I'm currently in Kansas.

[624] Okay.

[625] Right in the middle of the west.

[626] Tornado Alley.

[627] Have you been in any big tornadoes?

[628] Well, we had some severe weather last night.

[629] And then last week, the week before, we had a tornado that came through.

[630] It was pretty terrifying.

[631] Yeah.

[632] Does any party you like them?

[633] Because we had them in Michigan, and I like them a lot.

[634] As a kid growing up, I had this weird obsession with them.

[635] Like, I had to learn everything about them.

[636] Now I just know too much.

[637] But I have to watch it.

[638] It's like if I can see it, I'm going to stop it.

[639] Not the case.

[640] The biggest problem we've had lately is that they're happening later at night.

[641] Oh, really?

[642] When I was a kid growing up, it was like dinner time.

[643] And now every single storm that's been coming through, it's been at night in the dark.

[644] The last one, the sirens didn't go off or anything for some people.

[645] Oh, no. Wow.

[646] Okay.

[647] Okay.

[648] So you were having sex in a tornado, is my guess.

[649] You thought it'd be romantic until you were airborne.

[650] I could see why you would think that'd be romantic because heightened.

[651] You could die.

[652] It could be the last time.

[653] If you were in the cyclone, in the air, whirling around right as you climax, that might be exciting.

[654] Yeah, this might be a fun question for you to ask next time.

[655] Tell us about the time you had sex in a natural disaster.

[656] Okay, so who are the players involved in this story, Caitlin?

[657] Well, I did get permission from the other person to use their name.

[658] Oh, good.

[659] He's like, if they want to Zoom with me, I can get on there too.

[660] Okay, so what's his name?

[661] His name is Cliff.

[662] So we were actually living in Hawaii.

[663] Romantic already.

[664] Well, a little backstory on it, though.

[665] We were both married at the time.

[666] And our spouses had decided that they were going to have an affair together.

[667] Oh.

[668] They started this affair while they were away on deployment.

[669] And they came home, and I discovered it.

[670] It was denied all the way up until the very end because of military purposes.

[671] And so I found out first.

[672] So then it was like, I bet you this husband does not know that this is going on.

[673] So I let him know and I broke the news to him and he kind of put the pieces together, figured it out.

[674] So then we started going through this whole process of trying to save our marriages together.

[675] Eventually it got to the point we're like, okay, I don't know if we're going to be saving these marriages, but we really tried.

[676] Really quick.

[677] It's not like they came home and they got busted in there like it's over.

[678] They were still kind of pursuing it.

[679] Oh, yeah, for sure.

[680] So then we were kind of keeping tabs on each other.

[681] We both kind of were like, okay, these people are having all this fun and we're here devastated.

[682] We like our spouses.

[683] Our spouses like each other.

[684] We probably would like each other.

[685] Yes.

[686] This is a simple map.

[687] I agree.

[688] It's logical.

[689] So it's been a while at this point with deployment, plus this hiatus of this affair.

[690] It's been for him a couple of years, for me, over a year of having any type of affection.

[691] So, you know.

[692] And energies were high.

[693] We were in our late 20s at this point, but we were like little teenagers going and park in his car somewhere or like in the car, on the car, you know, kind of one of those green eggs and ham thing, you know.

[694] Sure, sure, sure.

[695] In the house, out of the house.

[696] Mostly at his house.

[697] But we decided, you know what, let's be a little more adventurous.

[698] Let's do some stuff in public.

[699] So we made a list of all the different places we could go.

[700] And of course, it's like, oh, you know, dressing rooms at Target.

[701] it.

[702] Oh, yeah.

[703] So then we're like, oh, the beach, you know, we're in Hawaii.

[704] So we finally were like, okay, I think the most logical thing for us, and, you know, I really like to go to Target, so I don't want to get banned from Target.

[705] They're only like free on the island, you know, they probably will all talk.

[706] You know, I don't want to get banned from one and then all of them.

[707] So we were like, okay, let's go to the beach.

[708] There was one right where we lived.

[709] We decided we're going to go at night.

[710] So I kind of scoped it out beforehand.

[711] I had an SUV so I could kind of like go over some trips.

[712] You did some recon.

[713] Yeah.

[714] I even bookmarked it on my Google and I found it the other day.

[715] It's still bookmarked.

[716] So we were like, okay, we're going to go there.

[717] So we drive out.

[718] He has a challenger.

[719] So this is a fancy car.

[720] He's very particular about it.

[721] As he should be.

[722] Yes.

[723] So I talked him into going kind of off -roading and his challenger for this purpose.

[724] So we got to the beach.

[725] I had packed the beach blanket so we can, you know, not get sandy and all that stuff.

[726] For his recall, it was full moon.

[727] We didn't use flashlight.

[728] So I would assume there would have to be some sort of moonlight.

[729] So we find our spot, lay our beach blanket out, and start engaging in our special time together.

[730] And as soon as we finish, you know, we're tired.

[731] It was really nice.

[732] It was nice sea breeze.

[733] You know, the waves are crashing.

[734] This is the dream.

[735] This is what you dream about.

[736] It's perfect.

[737] So we're laying there, just kind of regaining our senses.

[738] And I feel something crawling on me. And I'm like, oh, no. and then I feel it in the inside of my thigh, I get bit.

[739] Oh, oh.

[740] So immediately, your first reaction is jump up and freak out.

[741] So I'm throwing stuff, but I can see in what little light we have, a long centipede.

[742] Oh, my God, a centipede.

[743] It was clamped on.

[744] It was like clamped on to the inside of my thigh.

[745] So I had to pull it off.

[746] So in amongst this, we're like freaking out.

[747] Like, is there more?

[748] Like, did we lay in a nest?

[749] Yeah.

[750] What is happening?

[751] This is Monica's worst nightmare.

[752] Other than if it were snakes, but second worst.

[753] Well, trust me, I'm the type of person the whole time I lived in Hawaii every night before bed, stripped my blankets all the way down, make sure there's no centipedes in the bed.

[754] Are they poisonous or anything?

[755] Maybe slightly venomous.

[756] I don't know.

[757] You might have to do a fact check on this.

[758] I don't remember, but they do hurt.

[759] And I'm just thinking, okay, this thing was on my thigh.

[760] Where was this the whole time we were getting busy?

[761] Yeah.

[762] Do we just have a centipede crawling in amongst us?

[763] Like, what is happening?

[764] Right.

[765] Was it a threesome with a centipede, basically?

[766] I mean, who knows?

[767] Oh, my God.

[768] So we start trying to pack up and shake stuff off.

[769] I mean, we're naked.

[770] So, I mean, like, we're trying to get clothes on as much as we can.

[771] And we feel like there's something watching us.

[772] Okay.

[773] Senepeed king.

[774] Okay.

[775] Okay, well, we just kind of continue on.

[776] We kind of felt that before we started to.

[777] We did notice there was another car in the parking lot, but it was empty.

[778] Anytime you have a car in a parking lot at night in Hawaii on a beach, usually someone's living in it or there's a tent nearby that they're living in.

[779] We did feel like something was watching us.

[780] We're like, okay, whatever, I just got bit.

[781] He was freaking out because he thought you're going to die.

[782] You just got bit by a centipede.

[783] Right.

[784] I don't think it's that bad.

[785] Yeah.

[786] He's also post -coital.

[787] There's a lot going on.

[788] He's probably thinking about whether he damaged that.

[789] challenger or not like all of his senses are returning like why'd I go off roadie she's been bit by this thing okay the inner thigh it was almost there way too close yeah yeah almost on the lab yep so we start packing up and we're running up this out because the beach has a steep slope on this one and some really sharp like lava rock and stuff so we're running up and then he trips and hits his foot on this huge rock that we did not see so he ends up Busting his toe open And I mean there's like blood going everywhere The nail is gone We were in flip flops And we were running and we were in a hurry So he's got an injured toe now I'm bit on the thigh And we're running trying to get out to our car And as we're both freaking out He's trying to cry from the pain I'm trying to not freak out Because he's bleeding in bloods everywhere We have these two local men walk up right next to us.

[790] It looked like they had some fishing gear with them.

[791] Maybe it was just the first weapons they found.

[792] I'm not quite certain, but they were there.

[793] So not only were we possibly having sex with a centipede, but also with some people a few feet away.

[794] Oh, goodness.

[795] I'm so jealous of them because it started out so hot.

[796] And they're like, oh, this got, no, God, she's screaming.

[797] What's going on?

[798] What are they getting attacked by?

[799] Now they're running.

[800] Holy fuck, that guy's toenail ripped up.

[801] Like, it turned into a horror movie.

[802] Yeah, and I actually went back and looked on Google Maps, and you can see, you know, satellite image.

[803] And it looks like there's definitely an encampment of tents nearby.

[804] Ah, okay.

[805] And there was also Hawaiian ruins.

[806] It looked like there was the foundation of some older buildings that were once there.

[807] So there's a good chance we could have pissed off some Hawaiian gods in the process.

[808] In a spiritual vortex, they sent in a centipede.

[809] Yeah, the rock.

[810] They threw a rock at him and sent some suspicious fishermen your way.

[811] In the end, I had to end up driving us home.

[812] Mind you, he would not let anyone touch his car.

[813] And drive it off road before we even get on the road.

[814] Oh, my God.

[815] Yeah, I mean, there was a significant drop off from the actual paved road to, like, this dirt path that I talked us into going on.

[816] So we had to traverse back up that, too.

[817] And then, you know, speed bumps every 10 feet it feels like in potholes.

[818] I was just so nervous.

[819] But we made it home just fine.

[820] No trip to the hospital.

[821] No. Okay, so there's two obvious steamy things about this fling, which is one, you guys do it in public and stuff, and that's fun.

[822] And then two, I've never had a part of the recipe revenge.

[823] Revenge, yeah, exactly.

[824] Did the revenge feel good?

[825] Yeah, definitely.

[826] I think it made it a lot Sweden.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Yeah, yeah.

[829] There's like an element of justice in.

[830] involved.

[831] Yeah, I mean, we didn't do it first.

[832] So, right.

[833] In this case, two wrongs were kind of right.

[834] Yeah, it's one of the rare exceptions to the rule.

[835] Two wrongs made a right.

[836] But then you were punished heavily by the indigenous gods.

[837] This happens.

[838] Oh, Caitlin, what a wild ride that was.

[839] And you're still friends with him, obviously, if you asked him.

[840] Yeah, I mean, I contacted them on Facebook.

[841] We're still Facebook friends.

[842] I was really impressed how much details he remembered.

[843] Isn't that kind of a sweet.

[844] It didn't feel like, yeah, it was important to him.

[845] Yeah, no, he was like it was the first and last time he's ever had sex on the beach.

[846] Oh, there it goes.

[847] It was not my first, but it was my last.

[848] Well, yeah, TBD.

[849] You got time ahead of you.

[850] Yeah, we are making a trip back to Hawaii here.

[851] Just check the sand for centipede nests or whatever before you lay that blankie down.

[852] Hey, just real quick, the simulation on October 15th, and I only know this date because I had tweeted about this.

[853] I had a dream that I was going to be on armchair expert and you guys were interviewing me. No. No. Yes.

[854] On October 15th, way before we were even thinking about this.

[855] That's right.

[856] And then I saw that you guys were starting to do this and I'm like, oh my gosh, I wonder if they saw my tweet.

[857] Only one person's liked it and it's a person I know.

[858] So no, probably not.

[859] But I was like, whoa, this is amazing.

[860] Dax quit Twitter, but who cares?

[861] Maybe he's using a phantom account.

[862] Maybe one of his friends saw it.

[863] So I thought that was pretty amazing.

[864] That is sim.

[865] That's very sim.

[866] Very sim.

[867] Not a duck, duck, goose.

[868] A ding, ding, ding, ding.

[869] Yeah.

[870] Well, Caitlin, so nice to meet you and get to hear your story.

[871] We really appreciate it.

[872] Thanks for chatting.

[873] Yeah, so fun.

[874] Thank you and have a nice evening.

[875] Okay, tweet something else, spectacular and see, keep it going.

[876] Yeah.

[877] Test the sim.

[878] Take care.

[879] Bye.

[880] Hi.

[881] Hi there.

[882] Hi.

[883] Are we allowed to call you?

[884] you by your real name or should we use a code name?

[885] I mean, I don't really care, but for the sake of my spouse, maybe we should.

[886] Okay.

[887] What do you want to go by?

[888] I don't know, Doc, so you come up with something.

[889] Okay.

[890] This is a lot of price.

[891] Monica, you have your toothpick.

[892] I've always just, like, wanted to see it, and I'm seeing it right now.

[893] I hope you can see is the 600 shredded toothpicks on the armrest of her chair.

[894] That's really what's worth seeing.

[895] My dreams are coming true.

[896] I have no idea, you guys.

[897] For me, this is the sim, because this is not real.

[898] Oh, I love it.

[899] Oh, thank you.

[900] The toothpick.

[901] I got to pick out a fun name, like an exotic name, because your name is not run of the mill, so I want to give you one that's not.

[902] Can we say Jade?

[903] Oh, I like that.

[904] That's a sex name.

[905] I like that, too.

[906] Okay, great.

[907] I could see you as a Jade.

[908] Absolutely.

[909] Okay, who's involved in your sexcapade?

[910] So it's just my husband and I, he's just like a little more reserved, so I think he'd be kind of embarrassed.

[911] And when I told him that I was doing this, he was like, so you're going to tell Dax Shepherd this story?

[912] he was just so confused to like why you would even want to hear it yeah that's a great question did you add he's a perv yeah i told him i was like you don't know he's going to love this okay so perfect perfect perfect okay so we're going to call him mark in this story so mark and jade okay so what happened jade let me give you some backstory so my husband and i we've been together for seven years we've been married for three but we've been friends for a really long time he likes to have sex in public places.

[913] Yay!

[914] We were just talking about this.

[915] Yes, we were.

[916] Okay, go on.

[917] Yeah, not like super public, like the mall or a restaurant, but places that are out of the norm, okay?

[918] Sure.

[919] We've done it on a lifeguard tower.

[920] We've done it, like, on a creek while we were fishing.

[921] We've done it in the bathroom at our friend's wedding.

[922] Oh, I love it.

[923] To be completely honest, it's not really my thing.

[924] Okay, okay.

[925] Sure.

[926] But can you get off on the fact, though, that he's so aroused by it, then that becomes exciting?

[927] That is really all it is, because it's not that I'm not enjoying it.

[928] But this is his thing.

[929] This is what makes him happy.

[930] I'm going to do this for him because he likes it.

[931] Like, I'm not going to turn it down.

[932] The problem is, for females, logistically, it's just not the same.

[933] You're not comfortable.

[934] Well, there's just so many factors.

[935] Yeah.

[936] He doesn't even have to pull his pants down all the way.

[937] Right.

[938] You've got to get disrobed.

[939] Yeah, I have to pull my pants down.

[940] or whatever I have on.

[941] If we're hiking or something, oh, now I have to finish this with the fluids and see, it's just messy.

[942] Ideally, it's messy.

[943] If everything goes right, it's messy.

[944] Yeah.

[945] Really quick, really quick.

[946] Have you ever heard the John Legend song?

[947] It goes, let's go to the park.

[948] It's called P .D. I want to kiss you underneath the stars.

[949] Maybe we might get caught.

[950] We just don't care.

[951] You should give that song to your husband.

[952] It's a great song.

[953] it's all about PDA.

[954] It's all about maybe we'll get caught.

[955] Okay.

[956] I'm going to have to show him that one.

[957] Okay.

[958] Is that part of the allure for him that maybe I'll get caught?

[959] I think so.

[960] I'm not really sure, but it's funny because he's really not big on PDA.

[961] So it's like if we were to get caught, he would probably be so embarrassed.

[962] I get it.

[963] You already said he's kind of reserved.

[964] He's not amped.

[965] You're sharing this story per se.

[966] So for him, the stakes are really high.

[967] Like if I got caught, I've been caught taking a shit on the sidewalk and it was a bummer, but I could get through it because that type of person.

[968] So for me, the stakes aren't that high.

[969] If you catch me having sex, I'm like, yeah, congrats.

[970] Yeah.

[971] I mean, I think part of him would be kind of like, oh, they caught me like, eh, but also I think it's more just like Monica said, like the excitement of potentially getting hot.

[972] And it's never romantic like you think it's going to be in the movies.

[973] You know, oh, we're hiking.

[974] I just can't resist you.

[975] Just rip your clothes off and there's music playing and the wind is blowing.

[976] It's never like that.

[977] Yeah, it's a quickie.

[978] I'm just kind of like, hurry up before somebody comes.

[979] Right.

[980] So that's the basis of the story.

[981] So we got married in 2019, obviously, before the pandemic, and our one year anniversary for our wedding was in 2020.

[982] We had a trip planned.

[983] Everything was great.

[984] Clearly, we had to cancel that.

[985] So I had bought some lingerie online.

[986] And it had been sitting in my closet because I didn't think that we were going to go anywhere or do anything.

[987] And he ended up being able to book just a hotel room for us locally.

[988] It's 10 minutes from our house.

[989] So we were like, let's have a staycation.

[990] You know, we'll just go up with a pool.

[991] We'll stay at the hotel.

[992] Okay, great.

[993] I'm going to bring my lingerie.

[994] So I'm looking through the lingerie and I realize that one of the things that I bought was actually crotchless panties.

[995] We're not advertised as that.

[996] So I find them and I open them up and I'm like, oh, my God, this is perfect because just what I'm saying, like, I don't even have to take them off.

[997] They're very functional.

[998] You couple that with a skirt and you're off to the races quickly.

[999] We're good to go.

[1000] So I'm really excited about these fruptuous panties.

[1001] I don't tell them about them, whatever.

[1002] We go to the hotel.

[1003] We have a nice day at the pool.

[1004] We hang out.

[1005] And then we go back up to our room and we have Costco wine.

[1006] We just get wasted off of Costco wine.

[1007] Perfect.

[1008] There's really nowhere for us to kind of like have this adventurous thing.

[1009] Well, he's like, let's have sex on a balcony.

[1010] And I'm like, okay, it's facing like a major street.

[1011] And there's also like neighbors on each side of us.

[1012] So there's still that element of, oh, this is sexy.

[1013] So I have the underwear on.

[1014] I'm like ready to go.

[1015] I'm so excited.

[1016] We get going.

[1017] things get started.

[1018] He, like, goes to take my underwear off.

[1019] And I'm like, oh, no, look at this.

[1020] Then I kind of show him.

[1021] And he's like, okay, let's do it.

[1022] So we're like trying to have things.

[1023] And I realize that the opening on these process panties just isn't really big enough.

[1024] Right.

[1025] What I'm already fearful of is fabric getting caught inside and taken in and out.

[1026] Yeah, UTI.

[1027] What do you call it?

[1028] UTI.

[1029] Well, more than that, friction.

[1030] Rugburn.

[1031] Yes.

[1032] Yes.

[1033] So it's just kind of like a little uncomfortable.

[1034] And he's like, you know what?

[1035] Let's just, let's just take these off.

[1036] We don't really need these.

[1037] And I'm like, no. Like, we are doing it with these.

[1038] We couldn't go on our trip.

[1039] We are making this happen.

[1040] I'm just so fixated on using these crotchless panties for one reason or another.

[1041] Anyways, we get the deed done.

[1042] It's sloppy.

[1043] It's so not sexy.

[1044] Wait, I have actually a real question.

[1045] So is the hole in the crotchless panty just the hole or it's supposed to be the whole?

[1046] Yeah, is your Volvo out?

[1047] I'm trying to picture it.

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] Okay, Monica, I'm glad that you asked that because I didn't notice.

[1050] I can't talk to you guys about this right now.

[1051] This is so crazy.

[1052] I didn't notice they were crotchless because it's not like the whole part is just cut open.

[1053] It's more like to do it.

[1054] So they just kind of open up.

[1055] So when I bought them, I literally had no idea.

[1056] I don't know if they're just for fun or if they're really supposed to be functional.

[1057] Right.

[1058] Are they novelty or are they truly?

[1059] Yes.

[1060] Are they novelty or are they really supposed to serve a function?

[1061] So we go to bed because we're drunk.

[1062] And then the next morning we wake up and we're like a little hungover and we're just kind of like, oh, and my husband's just like, oh my God.

[1063] And I'm like, what?

[1064] He's looking down at his penis and I'm like, are you okay?

[1065] And I'm thinking like, something is seriously wrong.

[1066] Like I've never seen this look of concern on his face before.

[1067] And he's like, my dick hurts.

[1068] And I'm like, yeah, does.

[1069] Like, yeah.

[1070] And I looked down on his penis, and it has stacks, exactly what you said, burns all along the sides of it from the friction of the crotchless panties.

[1071] And I'm not talking just a little bit.

[1072] Like, it was really bad.

[1073] Like it needs a wrap and some dressing.

[1074] Like it's, it looks like, neosporin.

[1075] It was red, it was dried.

[1076] I mean, it looked so bad.

[1077] And he was, like, so traumatized.

[1078] And so I'm like, oh, my God, I feel so bad.

[1079] I've worked these crotchless panties on you.

[1080] And that was the outcome.

[1081] And it lasted for, like, honestly, over a week, we didn't have sex for a while because I think we were both a little traumatized.

[1082] Oh, wow.

[1083] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1084] You know what is more, it's as much a comment on the crotchless panties as the Costco wine.

[1085] Because I know he was just so drunk and fucked up.

[1086] He should have probably been knowing that a level of damage is happening.

[1087] You're on task at that point because you're hammered and you're like, I got a, get it up.

[1088] Totally.

[1089] Wow.

[1090] I was trying to guess where it was going.

[1091] And of course, I'm like, you're going to, the manager called.

[1092] Well, honestly, I don't know if anybody saw us.

[1093] Maybe they did.

[1094] I have no idea.

[1095] Like I said, we were drunk.

[1096] So maybe they did.

[1097] But really, the only casualty was my husband's penis.

[1098] I have a gross question.

[1099] I would have immediately in that state of mind gone out to the balcony to see if there's any blood on the ground oh like was i actually hemorrhaging blood during that didn't even notice oh we didn't do that i don't know i mean it's definitely possible right the other part that i forgot to tell you guys was that we had laid out at the pool that day and men swimwear kind of goes above the knee we're laying down and my husband pulls his trunks up and he's like oh my thighs are so white i'm gonna tan these and i told him i'm like you should put some sunscreen on because that never sees the sun you know and he's like oh no it's fine only do for a couple of minutes well he fell a sleep.

[1100] So his legs were so sunburnt.

[1101] And I'm not talking like little sunburnt.

[1102] It was like bad sunburn.

[1103] So for like a week, not only was his penis all jacked up, but his legs were so sunburnt.

[1104] And he was like miserable.

[1105] Could barely walk.

[1106] It was so bad.

[1107] A whole cross -section of his body was just destroyed.

[1108] Like he was in a microwave.

[1109] Yeah, waves down was just not good.

[1110] And, you know, it makes for a good story.

[1111] We told our friends about it and they all laugh.

[1112] They're joking.

[1113] They're calling him, oh, Dick Burns, and then that turned into, like, Richard Burns.

[1114] And so we were joking to be like, oh, you're Richard Burns.

[1115] I have not had a crotchless panty experience in my life, but I've definitely had the let's pull the bathing suit to the side and or let's pull the underwear to the side.

[1116] Did you get burns?

[1117] Well, that's how I immediately knew that you're running a real risk of getting some rug burns.

[1118] Yeah.

[1119] When you clocked that, I was like, oh, he's been there.

[1120] He knows this.

[1121] Sorry.

[1122] Oh, that's great.

[1123] Oh, my gosh.

[1124] I love that.

[1125] And I got to say, I'm going to guess every man in America is a little jealous they're not married to you.

[1126] Would that be your conclusion too, Monica?

[1127] Yeah, I do.

[1128] Yeah, you sound like a fucking blast.

[1129] Yeah.

[1130] Oh, my God, you guys.

[1131] That's the biggest compliment coming from me. Do you guys want to meet my husband really quick?

[1132] Of course.

[1133] Yes.

[1134] I'd love to see how his penis healed up.

[1135] Oh, my goodness.

[1136] First of all, hi.

[1137] Hi.

[1138] We know so much about you.

[1139] Yes.

[1140] I love that story.

[1141] I could relate immediately, not from the crotchless aspect, but from pulling garments to the side.

[1142] Yeah, yeah.

[1143] He clocked it.

[1144] He was like, there's going to be friction there.

[1145] Yeah.

[1146] I didn't know.

[1147] I had no experience before.

[1148] Well, who does?

[1149] You live and you learn.

[1150] That's it.

[1151] I told your wife that the stories as much about crotchless underwear as it is about Costco wine.

[1152] Yeah, there's Napa wine.

[1153] There's French wine, Italian, but there's nothing like Costco.

[1154] It hits different.

[1155] It hits different.

[1156] Costco wine makes for good stories.

[1157] Yes.

[1158] It's so nice to meet both of you.

[1159] That was such a wonderful story.

[1160] Thanks for sharing it with us.

[1161] So wonderful to be able to talk to you.

[1162] Well, good luck.

[1163] Keep on getting out there in the wild.

[1164] I pray I bump into you guys somewhere.

[1165] I hope I'm with my family swimming and I look up and see you love birds just on the patio.

[1166] Yeah.

[1167] If anyone catches this, I hope it's you.

[1168] Okay.

[1169] I'm going to make an effort.

[1170] All right, you guys.

[1171] Nice meeting you.

[1172] Well, you got your sexy stories.

[1173] I've loved that.

[1174] Yeah, they're so fun.

[1175] And they were pretty G -ish.

[1176] Yeah.

[1177] Yeah, they weren't like pornographic.

[1178] I mean, one was actually about a porno, but I guess it's the most literal version of pornographic you can get.

[1179] There's something so elevated about it because both people engage in sex are just inherently vulnerable.

[1180] Yeah, of course.

[1181] You're nude, your don's out.

[1182] You guys are stuck together.

[1183] Tell me more.

[1184] Oh, okay.

[1185] Yeah, no, it is.

[1186] There's an extra heightened layer when there's sex involved.

[1187] Quidis going on.

[1188] Oh, I love that.

[1189] I hope we do many more sex -a -paid stories.

[1190] I believe we will.

[1191] All right.

[1192] Love you.

[1193] Love you.

[1194] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1195] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go.

[1196] We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions.

[1197] On the fly a rhyme dish I'm a flyer rhyme dish Enjoy Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app Amazon music or wherever you get your podcast You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app Or on Apple Podcasts.

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