Why Are Kids Oppositional? 2 Action Steps This Week

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[22] Do you have a child who's oppositional, who's defined at times, just like to argue back at you?

[23] Good.

[24] because I have a son like that as well, right?

[25] I often used to joke that I inherited my oppositional nature from Casey.

[26] I know that's not the way genetics work, but it kind of felt like it.

[27] So I want to give you insight into these kids' brains and what's really going on.

[28] Very quickly, I'm going to try this in two minutes or less to get this insight.

[29] So three categories on this sheet I'm looking at that we created.

[30] It's a really, really cool way of looking at your kids' brains.

[31] First column is about kids who have inhibited neurotransmitters in the brain that don't communicate that well.

[32] so they have very busy brains.

[33] It's why they have a high need for order and structure.

[34] So what happens?

[35] If I've got a very busy brain, it's why your kids often are disorganized and forgetful, struggle with executive function and following through.

[36] This is where anxiety comes from.

[37] Often poor planners.

[38] What's the plan?

[39] What's the plan?

[40] What are we doing?

[41] Struggle with short -term memory, right, which makes it hard in school because that's when you need it to recall information for a time test.

[42] Tend to be slower processors of information, which is why when you ask them, Why did you do that?

[43] They often say, I don't know, right?

[44] They get overwhelmed easily.

[45] They like to control others.

[46] They're often bossy.

[47] It's when you try to play a video game or any game with them, a board game.

[48] They're going to change the rules of the game, cheat or quit.

[49] And it's why they want to be in control because everything feels like it's out of control for them.

[50] It's why they eat the same food, wear the same clothes, because they're trying to eliminate unknowns.

[51] This is why in the arguing, they're persistent.

[52] They will not stop because they have to.

[53] to enforce justice, right?

[54] That's why fairness is such a big deal.

[55] I need to tie this together.

[56] It's why in arguments, if you're intellectually dishonest with them and you don't argue fairly or you're not making the right point, they will key in on that because they need to box that in.

[57] That's why they struggle with organizing thoughts and getting them from head onto paper.

[58] That's why transitions are difficult and they melt down over little things.

[59] That's all from the need for order and structure.

[60] Second column, the need for brain stimulation.

[61] Many of your kids don't get enough blood flow, don't get enough dopamine.

[62] Their brain is physiologically understimulated.

[63] So they fidget, doodle, bounce their legs, tap pencils, move constantly.

[64] They struggle with focus and attention when they're not interested in something, but when they are curious about something, then they can hyper -focus.

[65] That's why they argue like attorneys push buttons and they're oppositional.

[66] Come back to that.

[67] It's why they get bored easily and you have to watch boredom because that causes a lot of issues.

[68] It's why they do things the hard way.

[69] and they'll even choose the harder path.

[70] If you're just following what you told them to do would be so much easier, but they'll do it the hard way and take a harder consequence.

[71] It's why they often chew on things on their shirt, on their tassels, on their sleeves.

[72] They hum, they talk loudly, they're distractible, they zone out, they're impulsive, they procrastinate.

[73] Why?

[74] Because if I wait till last minute, then there's pressure and I get an adrenaline rush and it brings blood flow to my brain and helps me concentrate.

[75] It's why they work in spurts.

[76] It's also why we're, we advise you all the time do not help your child manage his own time they have to manage their energy it's really really important and that's why intensity is so important for these kids third column is about the need for sensory for their sensory needs and sensory pressure because these kids are often hypersensitive to touch and sound in sight but hyposensitive needing pressure all the time and when they don't get that they often act out because if you don't meet the internal needs, the need for order and structure, the need to stimulate the brain and to get that sensory pressure, your kids feel out of order, and it will cause a lot of defiance.

[77] So that's what we're going to talk about today, defiance and how to deal with it on the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[78] I wanted to give you a lot of insight very, very quickly before I jumped into our quick little introduction, which is, welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[79] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[80] Please share the podcast.

[81] with other people.

[82] You can find us at celebrate calm .com.

[83] We have an Instagram page because we're finally in this 21st century and you can find that.

[84] A lot of people are really, really enjoying that.

[85] Casey, my son is spearheading that.

[86] And that's it.

[87] I just Google the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[88] So if you need help, email that son, the strong -willed one who genetically caused me to inherit from him in oppositional nature.

[89] His name is Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[90] If you need any help, email him.

[91] we will help you.

[92] We have a massive Black Friday sale.

[93] By the way, we got into a fight because people are like, do you and your son still argue over things?

[94] Of course.

[95] We're both oppositional.

[96] He's like, Dad, we need to do a Black Friday sales.

[97] Like, I don't like Black Friday sales.

[98] You know why?

[99] Because they start now in October.

[100] It used to be one day.

[101] Now it's entire month.

[102] It's dumb, stupid.

[103] Can you hear where your kids get it from?

[104] Because I don't like.

[105] It's not intellectually dishonest.

[106] He's like, you have to do it because people are expecting it.

[107] I was like, I don't want to do it.

[108] I don't like doing things that I don't find that I don't want to do.

[109] And he was like, Dad, you can do that, but it's just going to hurt you.

[110] And I was like, okay, right?

[111] And I was partially willing to do it.

[112] But he overruled, and here's how he overruled me, because he created this really cool graphic and put it up on the website without me knowing that said Black Friday sale, because we have three of them.

[113] Go to celebrate calm .com.

[114] So the next, and you'll see three Black Friday sales.

[115] So the next fight we had was over what was the pricing going to be.

[116] So I gave the pricing.

[117] And he's like, Dad, that's too low because if you make prices too low, people will devalue your work and not value it enough.

[118] And I was like, you've been listening to me say that for 20 years.

[119] Awesome.

[120] But see, when it's my idea, then it's okay.

[121] Have you ever noticed that with your kids?

[122] They will do things the hard way to the harder consequence, right?

[123] And if it is your idea, they will reject it.

[124] And that's why I'm always like, if you want your kids getting things, ask a teacher, a mentor, the Taekwondo teacher, a neighbor to ask your child to be helpful and help them with a project.

[125] They will do it for someone else, just not for you.

[126] So here's what I want to get into.

[127] Why are kids defiant?

[128] What can we do about it?

[129] I went through those columns and I hope that you will internalize that and really study that.

[130] If you do get the programs, we go through that in great detail because any one of those things that we talked about can trigger your child being defiant.

[131] Here's one.

[132] Here's one.

[133] Here's one.

[134] I get overwhelmed easily.

[135] So if I get overwhelmed, guess what happens?

[136] I shut down.

[137] I'm not doing it.

[138] Well, you're just being defiant.

[139] No, look, here's the difference.

[140] Do I have a defiant child right now?

[141] Or do I have an overwhelmed child?

[142] Because if you have a defiant child, the only thing you do, you better do that.

[143] I'm going to take away X. Well, that's not even the real issue.

[144] The real issue is it's that they were, they're overwhelmed.

[145] so if you can help them not be overwhelmed and give them some ownership, now there's no need to fight everything and shut down.

[146] Does that make sense?

[147] Right?

[148] There are probably about 10 strategies we teach to overcome defiance, but I just want to focus on a couple of these.

[149] And one of the ones I want to focus on right now is the need for brain stimulation, right?

[150] Because they don't get enough blood flow.

[151] So that's why they're always so busy in those brains and why they're always looking for the stimulation.

[152] One of the reasons our kids roll their eyes and talk back is to get a reaction from us.

[153] It's stimulating.

[154] Just think about this.

[155] If I'm a child of any age and through a simple movement of two eye muscles, I can get an immediate, visceral, emotional reaction from my mother or father.

[156] Why would I not do that all the time?

[157] I'm not saying that rolling your eyes is right.

[158] I'm saying that it's rational and it makes perfect sense.

[159] It's, look, it's one of the root causes of sibling fights.

[160] Pure boredom and I want to get a reaction from my sibling.

[161] It's not a sibling issue.

[162] It is a brain stimulation issue.

[163] And your kids know exactly how to push your buttons.

[164] And when you react with anger or the predictable lecture, young man, I never spoke to my father that way.

[165] you will not speak to me like that.

[166] Your kids just won.

[167] Because they sparked an emotional reaction.

[168] Remember, intensity.

[169] They got intensity from you in a negative way without uttering more than a couple grunts.

[170] See, this is really, here's some more brain stuff.

[171] When we continually respond to their provocations, we actually change the physical structure of their brain.

[172] And that is scary.

[173] because we train their brains to continually seek negative rather than positive stimulation.

[174] So the brain starts to crave and hunger for it.

[175] Why?

[176] Because it's easy.

[177] All I do is move two eye muscles or do, I don't want to do it.

[178] And I get an immediate reaction from my parent.

[179] Or I look at my brother or sister or say something to them and they get upset.

[180] and that perpetuates a really destructive cycle.

[181] Does that make sense?

[182] And I want to change that.

[183] And I'm going to show you some positive ways to do that.

[184] Two different things we're going to focus on.

[185] This week as we come into Thanksgiving week, some of us are traveling, some of you are staying home.

[186] But I want you to work on these things this week.

[187] Sometimes disrespect bursts forth from a child who doesn't have tools to deal with his or her frustration.

[188] So you get angry and frustrated and they don't know what to do with it and how to deal with it.

[189] Why?

[190] Because we haven't given them tools to actually deal with frustration.

[191] We just say, go to your room.

[192] Don't yell.

[193] Stop that.

[194] But we often haven't modeled it really well, right?

[195] Because we've got a model.

[196] How do you deal with frustration in life?

[197] Right.

[198] And so when they're frustrated, they lash out at us.

[199] Now, does that make it right?

[200] Absolutely not.

[201] So two things I want to focus on this week.

[202] One, give your kids tools to deal with their frustration.

[203] One of the most powerful things you can do, and the dad's out there, mom's out there, I really want you to focus on this.

[204] Give them positive intensity.

[205] Spend your time this week finding ways that your kids, when they make good choices, find opportunities to say, that was a really good job.

[206] I like how you handled that.

[207] Man, that was really impressive.

[208] Short, sweet, intense, positive.

[209] No long lectures at all.

[210] When you're taking your kids, by the way, bonuses aside here, if you're going over to family's house or relatives' house for Thanksgiving, set your kids up for success.

[211] Take your strong will child and tell your relatives, man, he is, she is awesome at this.

[212] Uncle, grandpa, could you give Johnny a job to do when we come to your house because he loves to feel helpful?

[213] She loves to feel like a grown -up.

[214] And ask your relatives to say, I understand that my child has a lot of energy.

[215] I understand that sometimes he misbehaves and acts up a little bit.

[216] But when everybody, when the first, when he walks in the door and everybody's negative right away, it just triggers something.

[217] So could you begin?

[218] Could you create successes?

[219] Put him in opportunities to win, to do things well, and then give very positive, intense energy to that child.

[220] Do that this week.

[221] If that's all you did, you'd be ahead and watch how your child.

[222] responds, right?

[223] It's really, really interesting.

[224] So sometimes when kids were, Casey was being defined or all the kids we had at our house, we had about 1 ,500 kids come through our house, they would pick fights with me and I could see it in their eyes.

[225] And I would look at them sometimes say, hey, I know what you're looking for.

[226] You've got this really cool brain and it loves to be stimulated.

[227] And right now, you're just trying to get a reaction out of me. Look, that's not going to work.

[228] One, I'm not going to react.

[229] And two, by doing that, you tend to just get in trouble and lose all your stuff.

[230] But here's what I know about you.

[231] I've got this awesome brain and you love the grown -up world and you're very, very responsible when I give you big jobs to do and you've got this big heart.

[232] So I bet that if instead of just trying to provoke me and trying to push my buttons, I bet if we put our energy into doing X, man, that would be really cool.

[233] So I would lead them and I'd give them jobs to do that were more of an adult -type job that were actually difficult for them.

[234] Sometimes I'd give them a challenge of going through an obstacle course in a certain amount of time.

[235] Sometimes I just throw food and put it in the middle of the obstacle course, so they had to work for it a little bit because that really helps.

[236] Sometimes we'd make something.

[237] I encourage you.

[238] So the child's coming at you, being kind of fine and getting attitude, instead of reacting to the attitude, inside you say, okay, he's looking for brain stimulation.

[239] Let me give that.

[240] Hey, you know, I was working something in the garage in the workshop.

[241] could you come down and help me out because you're really good at hammering the nails right give them something they're good at doing i don't care if it's helping out cleaning out the chicken coop out back or shoveling mulch right it doesn't matter um another one is this oh i just had a phone consultation where we came up with this where the um the child loves fishing but he's being really oppositional at times and defiant and so is giving the parents a tool of like hey you know what Listen, I can tell you're upset about something.

[242] Listen, I could really use your help.

[243] Could you come down and help me, or could you go down in the garage and go through the fish hooks and the lures?

[244] Could you count them for me?

[245] Because we were going to do that trip next weekend out to the lake, and I wanted to see what we have there.

[246] Write this down.

[247] Sometimes counting and measuring things makes a child feel like, ah, see, that's the order and structure part inside of like, oh, okay, so I'm counting things.

[248] that's why sometimes cooking with your kids can be helpful because they have to do things out of a measuring cup and they're putting things together and there's a sense of ownership of creating something work on that this week when your child's being defiant see if you can help them not feel overwhelmed and give them a little bit of order and structure inside and also give that positive intensity try that the other thing that i want you to work on this week is this to draw your kids to you instead of pushing them away because usually when they get defiant we end up yelling send them to the rooms along with some kind of punishment young man you've lost your video games for a week now or if you're a man you're like for a month because we always do ones men do consequences we can't keep and then and then they scream all the way of their bedrooms and we keep yelling as well keep it up and you're going to lose it for two weeks right and they're like you're stupid and it just goes downhill right and this is where I bury my head in shame because I used to do this all the time I knew Casey was going to keep screaming because we didn't deal with the root issue, and I could see his face all red, and so I'd end up dishing out some ridiculous punishment, right?

[249] And I'd end up saying things like, why, do you have to make things so difficult, right?

[250] Just beautiful, right?

[251] Then I'd feel guilty, and we'd spend the rest of the night undoing all the hurtful things we'd said, and yes, we end up, look, we've got to own this.

[252] We end up saying disrespectful and hurtful things as well as parents, right?

[253] Now we justify it because we're the authority figured.

[254] There's no justifying it.

[255] Just our own frustration.

[256] Isn't that interesting the cycle?

[257] Child gets frustrated, lashes out.

[258] We get frustrated and we lash out.

[259] See, we're basically teaching them the same thing because we haven't learned how to do that.

[260] And so I knew in that moment that I needed to de -escalate the situation because I knew every time I yelled back or taunted him with a greater punishment, he'd react even more.

[261] But at that moment, I didn't have that emotional maturity.

[262] I didn't have that insight to know this is what's happening and I didn't know how to calm the situation but if you will practice that this week of de -escalating because we've been through that it's all over the programs and I do I encourage you we've got the black friday sale on things and you can reach out to Casey and ask them what's most beneficial and we'll help you financially in every way but I want you to look we've got this week coming up where some of you're going to be traveling or we don't have the pressures of school put these downloads listen to them on your computer on your phone.

[263] Let your kids listen and begin to internalize this and work on de -escalating and giving your kids tools.

[264] Control yourself.

[265] Give your kids tools to succeed because otherwise, look, how many hurtful nights, how many wounded spirits could be avoided if we just calmed ourselves?

[266] And instead of reacting what's going on to our kids, we got to the inside of them and figured out, oh, this is just a search for order and structure.

[267] Kid just wants a little bit of ownership.

[268] or oh man kids just bored he's looking for his brain to be stimulated i can show you 15 different ways to stimulate that brain of yours and it's going to be something fun something you enjoy and you're not going to lose all your stuff right so watch how insidious this becomes at the exact moment when our kids are crying out for help because usually when they're yelling at you you're stupid i hate you it's honestly it's a cry for help at that moment what do we do we push them away from us in anger instead of using it as a teachable moment because these moments are huge opportunities.

[269] Trustings are such huge opportunities to teach your kids.

[270] And at that moment, we model the exact behavior we want to discourage, right?

[271] We deal with our frustration by getting frustrated and yelling at them, right?

[272] So no blame, no guilt.

[273] Let's work on that this week.

[274] De -escalate, control yourself, model it for your kids, and give them.

[275] practical tools to deal with that boredom, to create that order and structure to help with the sensory needs.

[276] If you need help, email us, reach out to us.

[277] This is what we exist for.

[278] This is not a job.

[279] It's not a business.

[280] This is our passion in life.

[281] And so we want to help.

[282] So email K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com and ask them, tell them about your family.

[283] We will help you with whatever you need help with.

[284] So anyway, thank you.

[285] Thank you for listening.

[286] Please share our podcast with other people and other parents who struggle.

[287] Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

[288] And if you're struggling on Thanksgiving, email us that day.

[289] I'm going to be tuned in on email for a little bit of a day, and I'll try to help you out as you're fighting with relatives.

[290] You know, one other idea, by the way, give your relatives insight into your kids.

[291] Here is why my son or daughter gets frustrated so much or melts down.

[292] Here is what you could do next time.

[293] If you will give her a job, to do and you will and give her a lot of positive affirmation if you will stimulate her brain if you will play to her strengths give your in -laws and your relatives tools in order to help your child to say if you will do this my child's awesome give them a hard job to do let them help you with something right show them how to do that let them listen part of the downloads that you get is you get to download them on multiple multiple devices so you can share them with your in -laws and your relatives so they can understand what's happening in their child's brain.

[294] It's really cool.

[295] Hey, love you all.

[296] Happy Thanksgiving.

[297] Bye -bye.