MFM Minisode 342

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hello.

[2] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[3] The minisode.

[4] It's teeny tiny.

[5] We're going to read you stories that you wrote in.

[6] Thank you.

[7] That's right.

[8] Should I go first?

[9] Do it.

[10] Okay.

[11] This one's called Who Let This Man Have a Chainsaw?

[12] Are you there, MFM?

[13] It's me, long -time listener, first -time emailer.

[14] Margaret?

[15] I've been saying I'm going to write this in for nearly a year, and I guess today is the day.

[16] Love the pod, hate the world we live in.

[17] Let's fucking go.

[18] That's right.

[19] For context, I grew up in a quiet village in rural England.

[20] We had the usual combination of idyllic countryside walks and rampant conservative views, but on the whole, it was a very safe, quiet kind of place.

[21] I've since moved, but my parents live in the same little bungalow they did when I was born 25 years ago.

[22] Once or twice a year, my parents book a gardener to come over and trim the hedges.

[23] They'd used the same guy for years, but he'd recently retired.

[24] so for the last couple of times, they found someone new who I'll call Bill, recommended by our elderly neighbor who communicated mostly through email.

[25] A couple of days before Bill was due to come over and trim the hedges, my mom got an email from our neighbor, ominously tiled, I don't think Bill will be coming with a link to a local news article.

[26] Girls, Bill wasn't coming to cut the hedges because he had just been arrested for murder.

[27] Ooh.

[28] Turns out Bill had gotten involved in a local family feud.

[29] A violent fight broke out between a father and a son and Bill apparently got involved to resolve the situation but ended up literally beating a man to death.

[30] Oh, God.

[31] The guy he beat up, apparently walked himself to the A &E or the ER, as you call it, never mentioned the fight and died a few days later.

[32] Fucking crazy.

[33] So not a super uplifting story, but iconic that we found out the gardener wasn't coming because I'm an email from our elderly neighbor.

[34] I know it's rogue these days to actually write a hometown murder in as a hometown, but hopefully this is fine.

[35] Pip, Pip, Cheerio, M, she, her.

[36] I think that sign off was sarcastic as a British person.

[37] I don't think I've ever heard that, for real.

[38] But we appreciate it nonetheless.

[39] Well, that's also in lots of different ways to look at it, but a nightmare story about like intervening, becoming a part of something and getting caught up like that.

[40] That's horrifying.

[41] Totally.

[42] It wasn't your business.

[43] to begin with.

[44] Good Lord.

[45] Mind your business.

[46] Mind your business, please.

[47] When I used to, like, live in San Francisco and I'd see, like, fights breaking out at night in the street, I would just yell, cops are coming just to, like, then they'd think cops were coming and break it up.

[48] Well, that's smart.

[49] Right?

[50] Yeah, and you don't actually have to call the cops.

[51] No, we're getting involved.

[52] Okay.

[53] The title of this email is cruise ship near -death experience.

[54] Oh, fuck.

[55] It just starts, ladies.

[56] I present to you the reason why I struggle with generalized anxiety to this day.

[57] And then it says date of event, 2009.

[58] For a little context, my name is Emma.

[59] I grew up in Tampa, Florida, with a kick -ass older sister, who's now a public defender, and a smart as hell little brother, now an electrical engineer.

[60] Wow.

[61] In 2009, my surely tired as hell were raising three children to snark you for their own good parents opted for a relatively contained spring break trip, a cruise.

[62] This was one of two cruises we went on as a family.

[63] and while I can't tell you which was which, I do remember this particular night vividly.

[64] At the time, and I'm 25 now, my brother and I were sworn enemies.

[65] We fought physically and emotionally non -stop.

[66] I'm talking screaming matches, fist fights.

[67] One time I bit him.

[68] And my parents, undoubtedly needing a break from the madness, left Kate my 14 -year -old sister in charge while they went and spent a few pennies at the on -ship casino, blah, blah, blah, just imagine relative peace devolving into chaos in the middle of a Disney Channel original movie here and Will and I end up fighting.

[69] Kate's texting on her phone and the next thing you know, Will, who's nine years old at the time, has locked me out of the kids' room and into my parents' adjoining suite.

[70] Everyone knows the parents' room is boring as shit and I was pissed.

[71] So MFM, I took matters into my own hands and formulated a plan.

[72] And by formulated, I mean I generated a half -coherent, thought and said send it.

[73] Oh, I feel like I know what this is going and I can't handle it.

[74] I ventured onto my parents' balcony and leaning slightly over the rail looked over at the kids' room.

[75] The balconies were separated by an inch -wide panel of textured glass that was about seven to eight feet tall, if I had to guess.

[76] You could lean slightly over the balcony to peek over at the adjoining room, but you couldn't see through the glass.

[77] With the adjoining door locked and unwilling to venture out into the hallway and risk getting locked out of both rooms, I did the unthinkable.

[78] Next thing I know, I'm 12 years old and swinging my leg over the balcony of a cruise ship.

[79] Having tried my luck at the on -ship facilitated rock wall that day, I was feeling pretty confident.

[80] I got both legs over, toes gripping onto the half inch of leverage I have on the other side, and looking down, think the 12 -year -old.

[81] equivalent of, oh, fuck.

[82] Ten plus stories beneath me is this inky, swirling black water.

[83] I can see the waves breaking against the ship, but nothing else.

[84] Suddenly, palm sweaty, mom's spaghetti, I realize I have royally fucked up.

[85] Oh, my God.

[86] I shimmy my way over to the kids' balcony, swing my legs back over, and the next thing I know, I'm staring at my brother through the sliding glass.

[87] Both our jaws drop.

[88] He wordlessly unlocks the door, lets me back in, and we silently settle back down to finish the movie.

[89] I'm pretty sure my sister had no idea what happened.

[90] Oh, my God, dude.

[91] That's why you don't put 14 -year -olds in charge.

[92] Yeah.

[93] We never talked about it after it happened, and it wasn't until 10 years later that I had the courage to tell my parents.

[94] They had no idea that they almost lost their middle child to a man overboard situation.

[95] a decade earlier, when I told them my mom cried.

[96] I think about how stupid I was to this day, and I will never, ever get on a cruise ship again.

[97] The end, glad I lived to hear MFM.

[98] Love you, ladies, Emma.

[99] Oh my God, that's some, like, sliding doors shit, where it's just like, it had been, like, misty out or something, and the railings had been slippery.

[100] That's fucking it.

[101] The moment Emma describes realizing what she's doing and how scary it is, she should have absolutely lost her grip.

[102] That's what happens to people.

[103] Oh, my God.

[104] I have, like, anxiety from that myself.

[105] It's so hilarious.

[106] Also, just that that is like, that's the deal breaker with the little brother.

[107] We're just like, oh, she's insane.

[108] Let her in.

[109] Yeah.

[110] Just scary.

[111] That's terrifying.

[112] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[113] Absolutely.

[114] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[115] Exactly.

[116] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

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[118] That's right.

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[120] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

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[125] Connect with customers inline and online.

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[127] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[128] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[129] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[130] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[131] Goodbye.

[132] Okay, this is called Ghost Daycare in the Attic.

[133] Hey ladies, I've been driving across country from Utah to the northeast to visit family and have been absolutely crushing your episodes.

[134] Though I typically gravitate towards your Thursday shows, the minisodes have been more my speed this trip.

[135] As a female driving through the middle of the country alone with a car covered in stickers that essentially scream, fuck the patriarchy, I am slightly convinced I'm going to be the next subject of your Thursday episode.

[136] So, to keep myself from getting too spooked, I have been deep diving into the archives of the minisos, and they have been the sole reason I have been able to maintain some sense of sanity on this drive.

[137] Anywho, I was telling my mom about the minisodes the other day, and she responded that I should write in about the ghost kids in the attic.

[138] Excuse me, what?

[139] I am one of four kids, all badass girls, and we moved a ton as a kid.

[140] When I was in about first grade, we moved into a quirky old house in Jersey.

[141] The type of house that legit had secret passageways from room to room.

[142] As a kid obsessed with hide -and -seek, this was my literal dream.

[143] The reason we got the house, though, wasn't too dreamy.

[144] The family that lived there before us had recently lost their two teenage children in a car accident.

[145] Oh, no. And couldn't bear to live there anymore.

[146] They were happy to pass off the home to an enthusiastic family with young kids.

[147] We were never told of this as children for obvious reasons.

[148] I know, heartbreaking.

[149] My mom sent my sisters and I off to school in the morning after moving in.

[150] However, my youngest sister at the time stayed home as she was not old enough to go to school yet.

[151] Per my mom, each day, my sister would wander up to the attic and stay there for hours.

[152] As a mom with four young kids, who was also moving into a new house, she didn't question why my sister would vanish each day for hours.

[153] She enjoyed the peace and alone time and my sister was entertained.

[154] Then it says, nope, not an 80s mom.

[155] just a hit mom raising her kids in the early 2000s.

[156] One day my mom asked my sister what she was doing in the attic.

[157] My sister responded, I was playing with the kids up there.

[158] My mom asked who the kids were, and my sister proceeded to tell her the names of the children that had lived there before us and had passed away in the car accident.

[159] My mom was shocked, but also not willing to give up her peace and quiet each day.

[160] She continued to send her three oldest children off to school each day and then walk my sister up to the attic for her play date.

[161] Oh.

[162] That's the story.

[163] Thanks for helping me stay sane on my travels.

[164] Stay sexy and don't waste money on child care if you have teenage ghosts living in the attic.

[165] Molly, she, her, hers.

[166] That's the saddest ghost story I've ever heard.

[167] She went up there and they, like, played with her.

[168] That's sweet.

[169] They came home.

[170] Mm -hmm.

[171] Oh, God.

[172] You know.

[173] Heavy.

[174] So heavy.

[175] Sorry.

[176] Right.

[177] Oh, no. I mean, these are all the stories we like to hear.

[178] Okay, well, let's take a left turn.

[179] Okay, please.

[180] God, please.

[181] The subject line of this email is Nana used her last words to yell at Jesus.

[182] Hi, all.

[183] After hearing that hospice nurse tell her last words hometown on Minnesota 314, I thought I'd tell you my favorite.

[184] My aunt's mother -in -law, we called her Nana, was a beautiful, kind, and truly classy lady in life.

[185] She always gave me old movie grandma vibes, the kind of grandma that wanted you to sit proper like a lady, and also snuck you homemade cookies when your parents weren't looking.

[186] You know the kind.

[187] As she got closer to the end, however, she got crankier and crankier.

[188] I think her memory was rapidly declining and she often snapped at those caring for her.

[189] It was sad to see, but everyone tried to hold on to the good memories and let go of the bad.

[190] Cut to her deathbed She was quiet and small in her bed Those around her wept This was clearly it Knowing my sweet aunt She would have told her it was okay to let go That everyone would be okay But suddenly Nana shot up in bed And angrily yelled Turn off that damn light And then she died Stay sexy and pray They have sunglasses in the afterlife Janie So Oh my god he's balking towards the light She's like Turn that off turn that shit off.

[191] It's the light.

[192] Grandma, it's the light.

[193] Jesus, you're wasting electricity.

[194] Turn that shit off.

[195] Turn it off.

[196] Oh my God.

[197] Okay, my last one's called Always Check Your Garbage.

[198] Hey, Karen, Georgia and MFM team.

[199] I'm a longtime listener from Sunny Scotland.

[200] I heard recently you asked for stories about people finding things and I knew this was my opportunity to write in and share a story about my dad.

[201] My dad, George, is the kind of dad you call if you're in a cult.

[202] This guy, I would fuck shit up and sleep like a baby.

[203] Anyway, my dad worked as a concierge, a posh name for security, in some high -rise buildings where crime was part of everyday life.

[204] His stories are legendary and include, but are not limited to, the man who collected pigeons to release them in a local library because the librarian had pissed him off.

[205] Uh -oh.

[206] He says he was arrested.

[207] The other gentleman who threw fruit at children from the 12th floor, or the time my dad had to let police into a flat, where neighbors were worried as they hadn't seen the guy who lived there and there was an awful smell coming through, only to find a massive empty fish tank in the living room left by the window in direct sunlight.

[208] Oh, no. No bodies were found.

[209] Oh, the smell of that.

[210] The stench.

[211] Anyway, I digress.

[212] One day my dad was working and he noticed a bin bag, it says garbage bag, propping open an emergency exit in the office.

[213] When he finished his 12 -hour shift, he went to leave through said exit and thought he'd take the bag round to the large bins at the back of the building.

[214] When he went to lift it, he could barely get it off the ground.

[215] He looked inside and saw pound coins, thousands of them.

[216] George, being the badass he is, swiftly pulled his car alongside the door and managed to just lift it into the boot of his car.

[217] Yes.

[218] He took it home, piled the coins neatly on the living room table in 20 -pound piles until he ran out of room.

[219] The total was close to, and they gave me the translation for dollars, which I appreciate, $9 ,852.

[220] Oh, my God.

[221] 8 ,500 pounds.

[222] Yes.

[223] Isn't that wild?

[224] Thankfully, nobody ever asked about the missing money.

[225] And while I'm sure people were suspicious that my dad was then paying for all his food and bills and one -pound coins, nobody asked any questions.

[226] I'm sure the money came from something dodgy, but George gave no fucks and enjoyed the money thoroughly.

[227] Thanks for all the laps.

[228] I listened to every day for seven months, driving to and from visiting my mom in the hospital.

[229] She's recovered at home, and you both kept me going.

[230] Nice.

[231] Much love.

[232] Stay sexy and always look in suspicious garbage bags.

[233] Laura, she, her.

[234] I mean...

[235] Okay, first of all, I bet you no one noticed that he was paying for things in one pound notes because people are self -obsessed.

[236] and they don't notice stuff like that.

[237] No. If you find, like, cold, hard cash like that.

[238] Yeah.

[239] This is your money.

[240] You found it.

[241] I don't know.

[242] No, we've all seen no country for old men, and, like, there's a tracking device in it, and then they come after you and shit.

[243] Yeah, but he...

[244] I'm scared.

[245] I'm scared of free money.

[246] I don't buy it.

[247] But are you saying in that situation?

[248] Like, that's truly free money.

[249] It's in a garbage bag by the bins, as they say.

[250] Yeah, but why?

[251] I don't know.

[252] You're right.

[253] I mean, there's definitely things to fear about it.

[254] But then there's also, it's also just like, it was too heavy for the robbers.

[255] They couldn't lift it anymore.

[256] True, true.

[257] Put it somewhere they thought they could get it again?

[258] Who knows?

[259] He got away with it.

[260] God bless him.

[261] I love it when people can get away with easy light lift stuff.

[262] Definitely.

[263] Where your average man wins.

[264] That's what we like.

[265] Definitely.

[266] But yeah, don't try to steal drug money from cartel people.

[267] people in the deserts.

[268] No. That's bad.

[269] Okay, so here's my last story.

[270] It says non -hero dog story.

[271] Hi, friends.

[272] I've been very inspired by the series of hero dog stories you've featured, most recently of Captain who escaped from his backyard to save a woman from a robbery.

[273] Truly an inspiration to us all.

[274] Sweet.

[275] I'm writing in with a story that you didn't ask for about a dog much less heroic, but I still think it's pretty excellent.

[276] A few years back, my mom came home from work to find our little white terrier Ferris missing.

[277] Ferris had a dog door to a fenced -in backyard, but seemed to have dug his way under the fence.

[278] My mom is a nurse who was working 12 -hour days, so who knows how long Ferris was gone.

[279] Mom canvassed the neighborhood, but no dice.

[280] She was looking up shelters to call when the phone rang.

[281] It was a woman a few blocks down the road.

[282] Apparently, Ferris had somehow made his way into their house early in the morning.

[283] The woman and her husband worked opposite shifts, so when she saw a strange, dog on her couch next to her own dog watching TV, she assumed that her husband had arranged a play date.

[284] She went to work and didn't worry about it.

[285] When her husband got home that afternoon and saw a strange dog on the couch with their dog, he assumed his wife had arranged a playday and didn't worry about it.

[286] That evening, when they were both finally home together, snuggled up on the couch with two dogs.

[287] It was getting a little late.

[288] So the wife turned to the husband and asked, Hey, whose dog is this?

[289] The jig was up And Ferris, by then snoozing peacefully, was caught.

[290] Oh, my God.

[291] Anyway, put your phone number on your dog's collar and microchip your pets.

[292] Ferris got home safe and sound and had what sounds like a pretty restorative day off.

[293] All dogs go to heaven, but some dogs say fuck heroism and instead embrace laziness, and they are good dogs too.

[294] Stay sexy and don't ignore the strange dog on the couch.

[295] or do, it's fine.

[296] XX, Jill.

[297] I mean, I guess I would assume that too, right?

[298] Like, the dogs are just chilling and they're getting along.

[299] Like, Ben, what would you?

[300] I love that they're just watching TV, like, teenage children together.

[301] And everybody, like, the humans in the house assume the dogs have it handled.

[302] Like, if this is their plan, I'm not going to get involved.

[303] Oh, my God.

[304] I love that so much.

[305] As someone who really wants to get cookie a playmate, a partner and Vince is like anti like I love it of a dog just fucking ran into our house one day where you're like the dog has made the choice yes exactly there's nothing we can do there's a very viral TikTok very famous TikTok of a couple that woke up in bed with a dog they didn't know in their bed and it is so funny because the dog is like it's this big dog and it's sleeping like a person between them and they're like his dog is this I love it I love the I don't own own a cat or ones or I don't own a dog.

[306] Yes.

[307] I guess I do now.

[308] I love that shit so much.

[309] Send us your bad dog stories.

[310] I want to hear like the terrible bad, you know, sweet things your dog has done.

[311] Just dog stuff.

[312] Yeah.

[313] Totally.

[314] Thanks for listening everybody.

[315] We appreciate it.

[316] If you want to see how intensely compelling the visual aspect and component of this podcast is, you can go and watch it on the fan cult.

[317] Be a part.

[318] We just videoed it.

[319] Just go to my favoritemerder .com and make sure to send us any fucking story you feel like.

[320] And stay sexy.

[321] And don't get murdered.

[322] Good -bye.

[323] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[324] This has been an exactly right production.

[325] Our producer is Alejandra Keck.

[326] And this episode was engineered and mixed by Stephen Ray Morris.

[327] Stephen!

[328] Email your hometowns and fucking hoorays to my favorite murder at gmail .com.

[329] Follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and Twitter at My Fave Murder.

[330] Goodbye.

[331] Follow My Favorite Murder on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you like to listen so you don't miss an episode.

[332] If you like what you hear, rate and review the show.

[333] Visit Exactly RightStore .com to purchase My Favorite Murder merch.