Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[5] I feel like myself again.
[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.
[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked.
[12] And what powers me is my AG1.
[13] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[14] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it.
[15] And the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[16] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[17] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[18] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[19] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[20] If you want to take ownership of your health, It starts with AG1.
[21] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[22] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[23] Check it out.
[24] So did you know that simply changing your tone of voice can have a dramatic impact on how your strong will child.
[25] responds to you.
[26] Of course it does.
[27] Otherwise, I would not be devoting an entire episode of the Calm Parentic podcast to this topic.
[28] This is really important.
[29] And it's something that I want you to work on this week and begin to master because it's really important.
[30] So welcome.
[31] This is Kirk Martin founder of Celebrate Calm.
[32] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.
[33] You need some help.
[34] Reach out to our strong will child, Casey.
[35] C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.
[36] Tell us about your child that you're struggling with, or many of them, many of you have many strong -will kids.
[37] Good luck to you.
[38] Tell us about your kids and your family dynamics.
[39] We will get together.
[40] We talk and then we reply back personally and usually pretty quickly with some very helpful tips because that's what our mission is.
[41] So, I want to go through various different tones of voice, different ways that we talk to our kids and point out some of the ways that don't work and then show you the ways that do work.
[42] So, I always begin, when we do live events, one of the first things we do is talk about changing body posture, changing tone of voice because it's very, very central to all of this with a strong will child.
[43] So one of the things that I really don't like is this really sweet tone, right?
[44] Like, sweetie, baby, you need to go pick up your toy.
[45] Sweetie, baby, mommy needs your help.
[46] Now, here's why I don't like it, because here's what the strong will child hears, sweetie, baby, you scare us because every time we ask you to do something, you have a big meltdown.
[47] So we think if we use this really sweet tone and we talk kind of in a question mark that you'll actually do what we asked you to do.
[48] And the strong will child will hear that tone of voice as condescending and weak.
[49] I can't explain it to you.
[50] Don't even need to explain it to you.
[51] It's just the way that it is.
[52] They hear that as weakness and a lack of confidence and they will take advantage of on that.
[53] By the way, I would also recommend, look, I prefer that you not refer to yourself as mommy or daddy when talking to a strong -willed child, right?
[54] Because, look, you've already said, I've got a four -year -old who's going on 24 or a 10 -year -old going on 35, right?
[55] And so I don't refer to myself as mommy or daddy because it sounds weak in condescending to them.
[56] I hope that makes sense.
[57] Here are a few other things we do, right?
[58] Sometimes we speak so softly to our kids, right, because we're afraid that we're going to crush their spirit.
[59] Look, here's what's going to crush your child's spirit.
[60] If you don't understand what they're really about, if you don't understand their brain, their heart, and their motivations, and you assign motives, wrong motives to their motivations and misunderstand them, that'll crush their spirit.
[61] Saying things like, how are you ever going to be successful in life, you can even pick up your toys.
[62] You're a loser.
[63] That'll crush child's spirit.
[64] But talking to them in a very firm, even a matter of fact manner, isn't going to crush their spirit, right?
[65] And sometimes we talk too softly, and here's a big danger of that.
[66] The message that sometimes your kids hear is this.
[67] You're not taking me seriously, right?
[68] I've done this example before.
[69] Little kid makes the paper airplane flies it.
[70] It doesn't fly well.
[71] good parent.
[72] Oh, honey, that was a really good airplane.
[73] And the child's response is, no, it wasn't, duh, if it was a good airplane, it would have flown right.
[74] Right.
[75] It's sometimes when we talk like this is because we can't deal with them being upset and we're trying to try to mollify them, make it okay.
[76] And we actually make it worse.
[77] And in that case, what I'd want to say to the child is, of course you're frustrated.
[78] If I were you, I'd be.
[79] frustrated too.
[80] You spent a lot of time on that airplane, didn't fly right.
[81] Man, I'd be frustrated too.
[82] So what are we going to do about it?
[83] Right?
[84] There's some intensity there and you're leading to problem solving, right?
[85] So, and by the way, I never say, well, of course you should, of course you should be frustrated, so therefore hit your sister or punch a hole in the wall.
[86] Not at all.
[87] I'm just normalizing the fact that some things are frustrating.
[88] And you know what?
[89] you know what's frustrating when people don't take your frustration seriously and that's why the intensity sometimes is really important with these kids okay no pleading this is what it sounds like guys all i'm asking for is a little bit of help around here that that is a sure sign that your kids are going to take advantage of you and this one you know what after all i do for you i cook for you I clean for you.
[90] Look, that is your issue.
[91] No blame and no guilt in any of this.
[92] But that's your issue, okay?
[93] Because you're doing too much for your kids.
[94] And we've dealt with that before.
[95] Your kids are never going to wake up and say, mom, dad, listen, talk to my brother and sister.
[96] We've determined you do way too much for us.
[97] It's probably a generational thing that you got from your mom or your dad who were overly responsible.
[98] And you know what it is?
[99] It's a manipulative tool.
[100] because I've done so much for you, you owe me to listen and behave.
[101] And I want you to break that generational pattern and stop pleading with your kids.
[102] That's not confident either.
[103] No lecturing.
[104] I could do four hours on no lecturing.
[105] Lecturing is not teaching.
[106] Most of our lecturing is this.
[107] It's dumping our anxiety about our kids' future on them now.
[108] Right?
[109] Like I'm not seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing you're not living up to your potential and what are you going to be doing in the future who's going to hire you who's going to marry you and I have all this anxiety so I begin to lecture and lecture and lecture and your kids always resist that right and what I'd rather you do is control your anxiety instead demonstrate some confidence and say you know what I've got the wisdom and perspective to know that one day when you put it all together you have every quality necessary inside of you already to be successful in life, and I can't wait to see it.
[110] See, your anxiety causes you, and I don't want to do this whole thing on anxiety, but it's like I see everything negative, and then I project into the future, how's my child ever going to be successful?
[111] Right?
[112] And then that just dumps all over the child, and basically what you're saying is, I don't think you're going to be successful at all.
[113] Instead, I want to have the wisdom and perspective to know, of course, you're seven.
[114] you're 12, you're 14, but you're going to change and I already see all these great qualities inside of you.
[115] And one day you're going to put that together.
[116] You're going to be motivated.
[117] You've got a great future ahead of you.
[118] Wouldn't you rather start saying that to your child so they begin to believe it?
[119] So no explaining, no convincing.
[120] Here's a big one that we don't cover enough and is this.
[121] Stop trying to convince your kids of things as if they're going to say, mom, dad, I didn't want to know.
[122] I didn't want to do what you asked me to do.
[123] But after you lectured me and convinced me and used such logic and reason, right?
[124] Like now 15 minutes later, light bulb went off and I want to do what you asked me to do.
[125] It's weakness.
[126] You're trying to convince them thinking that somehow, look, most of the things we're talking about here are emotional.
[127] And yet we're trying to get an irrational emotional child who's struggling with anxiety, does it feel good about himself, all these things.
[128] We're trying to.
[129] We're trying to get an irrational emotional child who's struggling with anxiety, does it feel good about himself, all these things.
[130] We're trying to to use rational means to solve an emotional issue that is by nature irrational and that doesn't work.
[131] So look, when sweetie baby and the really kind approach doesn't work, what do we do?
[132] You know what?
[133] You better get your little butt up in bed right now, right?
[134] That's when we go through the yelling, losing control, threatening.
[135] And it won't work.
[136] And here's why.
[137] Because when you walk into a room and you are visibly irritated.
[138] and your voice begins to, this one, Jacob, if you, see, as soon as your voice goes there, you've lost control and there's no blame and guilt.
[139] This is frustrating.
[140] It is hard raising these kids because they won't even do simple things all the time that you want them to do and you're like, oh, what do I need to do to get through that thick skull of yours?
[141] All I'm asking you do is one simple thing and you can't even do it.
[142] I get that, right?
[143] But when you start to, that, that little tone says that you're frustrated, and here's what your kids know.
[144] When you start to get visibly irritated, they will push your buttons until you finally lose it because once you lose control of your emotions, who's in control, child's in complete control, and that's not their issue, that's yours because you're a grown adult who can't control yourself.
[145] And again, I was too.
[146] There's no blame or guilt.
[147] I'm just asking you to take it seriously and not make excuses for it and really dig into it.
[148] If you want to go through in the Calm Parenting Package, 30 days to calm.
[149] It is the process I used to go from being out of control all the time, fear and intimidation approach, my way or the highway approach, dad, to being calm.
[150] And the whole idea, look, my goal isn't really to be calm.
[151] Calm is a tool.
[152] I use calm in order to problem solve and see situations more clearly and to de -escalate, right?
[153] Calm is not the end goal.
[154] Calm is a means to de -escalate things so they don't keep getting worse and to model for my kids self -control.
[155] It doesn't work well in life when you're like, you need to learn how to control yourself.
[156] Really?
[157] Apparently you haven't mastered that either, dad.
[158] Right?
[159] That's what my son was saying to me, right?
[160] You need to calm down.
[161] Right?
[162] And he's like, really?
[163] Really, dad.
[164] You're screaming at me to calm down.
[165] Maybe you should learn that first.
[166] And he was right now, right?
[167] Because I did need to learn that.
[168] And so look, the fear and intimidation approach with the strong -will child will not work because they have a fight or flight response.
[169] And many of your kids either are going, they'll either shut down and just not do anything.
[170] I'm going to take away everything you own.
[171] I don't care.
[172] Take it.
[173] Here, I'll give it to you.
[174] I'll hand it in.
[175] I'll put it in a box.
[176] They'll call your bluff.
[177] or they would just fight, bring it, bring it, what you got, what you got.
[178] And then you will blow your lid, men, right?
[179] A lot of times we do, and then we justify and excuse it.
[180] Well, if they would just listen to me, you can't do that, right?
[181] That's that thing.
[182] Well, if my kids would just, I would be better.
[183] Well, now you've just placed your emotions, your happiness, and you just surrendered control or agency over yourself to someone else and how they behave, you know, it's even worse, they're a kid.
[184] And we give them all that power.
[185] I can't be happy unless they behave exactly the way I say they can't, right?
[186] That's the whole thing, me as a young dad.
[187] I need you to behave because if you don't do exactly what I tell you to do, I'm not sure I can behave and you don't want to see me angry.
[188] See, that was manipulative too, right?
[189] That's the other side of like, you know what I do all of this for you you owe me and the other side of that is I can't control myself and I'm going to get angry so if you don't want me angry you better listen to me right now young man well that's not teaching a child and that's not modeling good things so what do we do right in between sweetie baby screaming and yelling is this it's me in control of myself right and that's why I did begin to change my body posture at the beginning I would sit down why Why?
[190] Because watch what I'm communicating.
[191] I'm in complete control of myself.
[192] My yes is my yes.
[193] My no is my no. I'm not going to repeat myself 14 times.
[194] I'm not going to beg.
[195] I'm not going to plead.
[196] I'm not going to use guilt trips on you, right?
[197] Your mood does not determine my mood.
[198] Your behavior does not determine my behavior.
[199] You're allowed to do that.
[200] You're allowed to do that.
[201] All I want you to know is I can't always control what you do, but I can always tell you what I'm going to do.
[202] Those are such great principles that you can, that you can, that you can, that you can, that you can put into place, right?
[203] I am an immovable rock.
[204] I'm a dispassionate giver of wisdom in my home.
[205] I'm not taking this personally.
[206] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface.
[207] And it's the same with acne.
[208] Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see.
[209] It's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[210] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[211] Whether your child is just starting to get breakouts or has been struggling with them for years, phyla is the safe, effective, side effect -free, and natural product that can help.
[212] Phila is like a spa treatment for your skin, gentle, no irritation, no dryness, and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene.
[213] It's safe for kids of all ages and dermatologist approved.
[214] Don't settle for temporary fixes.
[215] Tackle acne's root.
[216] causes.
[217] Get 25 % off your first order of phila with the code calm.
[218] Go to phila .com and type in the code calm.
[219] That's p -h -y -l -a .com and use code word calm.
[220] Please stop taking everything personally.
[221] Dads, men, talking to you straight, men to men to man. Every man on the planet thinks that everything everyone does, everything their child does, is disrespect to him.
[222] He's like an NFL wide receiver.
[223] I just disrespect it.
[224] No, you've just got a kid, right, who doesn't always want to do what you want him to do, but it doesn't mean everything's disrespect.
[225] And some of it is coming at you because you have been too hard on your kids and you only picked out the negatives and you thought that your job was just discipline, discipline, point out all the negative things and punish, but you don't have a great relationship with your child.
[226] Well, that produces anger and frustration, and that'll get you some defiance too.
[227] So look, my, the whole point of this is none of this is dependent on what your child does.
[228] This is all within your control.
[229] See, if parenting is about only changing a child's behavior, good luck, because I can't always change the behavior of another human being.
[230] The one thing and only thing I have control of in this life is how I control myself, how I behave, my tone of voice.
[231] And what I want you to know is when you begin to master this tone of voice, your kids will respond better to it because here's what it says.
[232] You can trust me. I can handle you at your worst, right?
[233] Look, I know this about men.
[234] Every man on the planet, moms too, every man respects other men who stay cool and calm under pressure, right?
[235] In a war, we want the platoon, right?
[236] What if your platoon captain's like, oh my gosh, shooting at us, what are we going to do?
[237] Well, nobody's going to follow that guy into battle.
[238] But when we come home from work or out of our office at home and there are Legos on the floor and there's disorder and everything's not picked up and Johnny didn't do exactly what he's told by his mother and we get all upset, right?
[239] What are we doing?
[240] We're flailing.
[241] We're not leading anymore.
[242] We're reacting to the child and the good platoon captain leads his men and women into battle and he stays cool and calm under pressure.
[243] Quarterback, a good quarterback doesn't freak out in the fourth quarter.
[244] You know what?
[245] We're down by two touchdowns.
[246] you don't know what we're out to run.
[247] You keep fumbling the ball.
[248] Let's go score.
[249] Nobody's following that guy.
[250] They're going to follow the guy who walks into the huddle, takes a knee.
[251] Interesting body posture, isn't it?
[252] Highest paid guy on the team takes a knee and says, guys, here's the deal.
[253] Down by two touchdowns.
[254] Here's what we're going to do.
[255] We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back.
[256] We're going to score again.
[257] And they break huddle.
[258] And that team gets behind that quarterback.
[259] Why?
[260] Because he's unflappable.
[261] And they know that he's cool and calm under pressure.
[262] and they can trust him.
[263] That's who I want you to be for your kids.
[264] They will behave better when you do that.
[265] So two quick examples.
[266] Okay.
[267] So I like discipline.
[268] I like good firm discipline.
[269] Yelling and screaming isn't discipline.
[270] Begging and pleading isn't discipline.
[271] I use an even matter -of -fact tone.
[272] I'm the dispassionate giver of wisdom.
[273] I'm not taking it personally.
[274] So let's say my seven -year -old is jumping on a sofa.
[275] here's traditional.
[276] Hey, Jimmy, you know what, we don't jump on the sofa because, you know what, there are springs on the sofa, and if you keep jumping on the sofa, it's going to break and we're going to have, like he cares.
[277] Oh, mom, dad, I didn't realize that it was going to cost you extra money.
[278] I'll stop.
[279] Right.
[280] There's no need for that.
[281] And when we go in, that's all explaining.
[282] So here's what I would do.
[283] I would go in and say, hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home.
[284] but I love your energy.
[285] Here's where I could use it right now.
[286] If you want to come help me in the kitchen, I could use some help doing X. You know what?
[287] I need some help.
[288] Some of your kids love shoveling mulch and doing physical stuff.
[289] So I give them a physical job to do with that energy.
[290] Here's the principle, by the way.
[291] Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, you must say yes to something appropriate.
[292] You have to give these kids missions and you've got to feed that brain so it has a focus.
[293] Just saying no, stop it doesn't work.
[294] So when I come in the room, room and I say, hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home.
[295] Here's why I like it.
[296] Short and sweet, very few words.
[297] The more words you use, the less valuable they become.
[298] The more you start to get worked up and explain and talk, what happens?
[299] Your kids find openings so that they can argue with you and you always lose because their little attorneys, cops, and judges all rolled into one, right?
[300] And so when I walk, hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home.
[301] Here's why I like it, short and sweet.
[302] It's also not personal.
[303] All I was saying is jumping on a, not happening in my home.
[304] It's a statement of fact.
[305] See, I'm not making person.
[306] You know what?
[307] You never listen.
[308] If you don't learn how to listen, you know, just wait till your father gets.
[309] None of that.
[310] I'm just saying simply, what you're doing, uh -uh, not working in my home.
[311] But I love your energy.
[312] Do I really love their energy?
[313] No. Your kids are exhausting.
[314] But it's a reality that they have an enormous amount.
[315] not really physical energy that drives it.
[316] It is mental energy, which is partly why your kids struggle to sleep.
[317] It's partly why they push buttons.
[318] They have so much mental energy inside their heads, right?
[319] And that usually drives the physical energy.
[320] And people don't understand that, but it's the mental energy that's really, really important.
[321] And so just saying no, stop.
[322] All right, what am I going to do with all of this?
[323] Right?
[324] Because I'm just sit there docile and just sit there looking at you.
[325] So when I say, hey, not happening.
[326] love your energy.
[327] Oh, here's a mission.
[328] Bet you can't do this.
[329] Oh, you're really good at X. I bet you can't help me with that.
[330] Right.
[331] Does that make sense?
[332] Same with a teenager.
[333] It's the same tone of voice with your teenager who's starting to give you some attitude.
[334] And if you respond back with young lady, you can't use that tone with me. And she's going to be like, what tone?
[335] That tone.
[336] Now you both have the tone, right?
[337] Instead, when I respond to her, right, I have many different options, but like, hey, when Casey would do the tone, I'd say, hey, Case, listen, you can use that tone with me, but the last 43 times you did, it didn't really work out well with you for you.
[338] But here's what I know.
[339] Usually when you get that little tone in your voice, it's because you're frustrated, you're anxious, or you're hungry.
[340] So look, I've got to go get started on laundry.
[341] I'm going to go do dinner.
[342] Or I'm going to grab some chips.
[343] You want to grab some salsa.
[344] I'll help you with whatever you're frustrated with.
[345] So even matter of fact, tone, I don't take it personally.
[346] Stop with some of this stuff, right?
[347] Like, I can't believe that my child is talking to me like this.
[348] They're a child.
[349] They're a teenager.
[350] You're a grown adult.
[351] Stop taking it so personally.
[352] I know, but it's really disrespectful.
[353] Of course it is sometimes.
[354] And a lot of times it's a sign of frustration.
[355] but your kids don't have the maturity to get to say, Mom, Dad, listen, something's happening in school.
[356] I don't feel as smart as the other kids or my siblings.
[357] Sometimes I struggle with kids my own age and I don't play games well.
[358] And if I lose, it makes me feel like a loser.
[359] So I'm really frustrated.
[360] And unfortunately, I start to bring that tone out and take that out on you.
[361] And so I apologize.
[362] They don't know to say that.
[363] So it comes out as you're stupid.
[364] I hate you.
[365] and we react out of that and then we make it worse instead of saying even matter of fact and saying this is telling me something else is going on.
[366] I don't have to give in to them.
[367] I can say no all day.
[368] Mom, you have to give me X. Yeah, not going to happen right now.
[369] No, no. But why won't you do it?
[370] You're mean.
[371] You're the worst mother in the world.
[372] Look, when kids say that, it's brilliant because they know that a mom, her highest, her highest desire is to be.
[373] a good mom.
[374] So what do they go right after?
[375] I hate you.
[376] You're a terrible mom.
[377] Of course they're going to do that.
[378] Don't react to it.
[379] You don't have to give in.
[380] No, I'm okay with your disappointment.
[381] My job, look, because I love you, I will say no to you.
[382] But I don't have to explain why.
[383] I don't have to convince you that I'm right.
[384] I'm just okay with your disappointment because that's a fact of life.
[385] was actually right, 75 years ago when he began singing.
[386] You can't always get what you want.
[387] And that's just a fact of life.
[388] And so I'm not going to shame you for that.
[389] Just let you know, like, no, that's not happening.
[390] Does that make sense?
[391] This week, I want you to practice this daily.
[392] Part of the reason I want people to listen to the Calm Parenting Package in all of our programs is because for hour after hour in many, many, many, many dozens of situations, I model this tone of voice with actual scripts to use in different situations.
[393] And you get it on an app right on your phone.
[394] So you can be listening this while you're taking the kids to school, while you're going to work.
[395] You can just have it on the background while you're cooking dinner.
[396] And you begin to internalize and hear this so that in the moment you remember this.
[397] Right?
[398] Because just reading something, a book, it's like you forget it like three hours or three days after you read it because you don't continue to like reread the book a hundred times but i want you to re -listen to our programs and there's 30 hours of them so you don't really have to read just keep listening to new ones and you will hear that tone of voice and i promise you begin to master this tone of voice even matter of fact it'll sound very cold to some of you but it's not what it is is settling it settles your kids i'm in control of myself i'm not freaking out you're a kid i'm an adult I can handle this.
[399] Does that make sense?
[400] I hope so.
[401] Thanks for listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast.
[402] Thanks for sharing it with others.
[403] If we can help you, reach out to Casey, celebrate calm .com.
[404] It's easy.
[405] Go to our website.
[406] You can find the Calm Parenting Package on sale.
[407] And if you need help financially, reach out to Casey.
[408] We're pretty easy to work with because we're a family.
[409] We're not like some conglomerate company.
[410] People always email like, wow, you're really fast.
[411] And I'm like, yeah, because we're a family.
[412] This is what we do all day.
[413] much of the night.
[414] So, love you all.
[415] Talk to you soon.
[416] Bye -bye.