#30 - Eddie Bravo

[0] like fucking robin now look at that um live ladies and gentlemen we are live we are here at the compound chilling with eddie the twister bravo shazam son welcome to the podcast again mr bravo sir thank you for having me man thank you for being on it's an honor to be on the show we are sponsored as always by uh the fleshlight And, you know, dudes are giving me shit about promoting this.

[1] And lately, guys are like, what are you, a spokesman for the Fleshlight?

[2] Why do you always bring up the Fleshlight in your podcast?

[3] First of all, because the Fleshlight is actually sponsoring this podcast.

[4] That fucking thing behind me. I forgot to shut that up.

[5] Go shut that up, man. First of all, it's...

[6] We never have something...

[7] That doesn't fuck.

[8] Only twice we've ever done this where we don't have sound going off in the background.

[9] My computer has the volume on.

[10] Oh, my cat's in the room, too.

[11] That's good.

[12] That also could be a mistake.

[13] I thought the cat's in here, too.

[14] Yeah, I thought I kicked her out.

[15] Fucking deja vu.

[16] She's so needy.

[17] She's an awesome cat, but she's needy as fuck when it comes to podcasts.

[18] She doesn't give a shit about you guys.

[19] Spaz, go.

[20] Go, go, go.

[21] Spaz.

[22] Was that you or the cat?

[23] That was her.

[24] Anyway, people have been giving me a hard time saying, like, what, are you a spokesperson for the flashlight?

[25] No, I am not.

[26] But they are sponsoring this podcast.

[27] And I'm here to tell you, just as a person who jerks off, it's a fucking solid product.

[28] It doesn't seem like it would be.

[29] It seems like it's a silly thing.

[30] But look, you're going to jerk off.

[31] Just accept that.

[32] And it's like...

[33] 50 bucks or something like that?

[34] I think it's like 15 % off.

[35] 69 bucks.

[36] 69 bucks.

[37] And some of them vibrate.

[38] They cost more.

[39] Yeah.

[40] You don't need that.

[41] What are you, a fucking robot?

[42] I guess the vibration probably would not be the best on the dick.

[43] It just doesn't seem like that would work.

[44] That's just a dude who buys extras.

[45] I want it loaded.

[46] I want my...

[47] How much does it cost?

[48] It's like in the 60s, 60 bucks.

[49] And it's like 50 % off.

[50] 15 % off, rather.

[51] For like another 15 bucks for the wig, you're talking about 75 bucks total.

[52] Well, Brian's been stuffing them in couches and fucking them.

[53] Yeah, you put them in between the two pillows.

[54] I did that with a towel once.

[55] You take a plastic bag.

[56] A friend of mine, we both know him.

[57] Oh, yeah.

[58] You put a towel out, and then you put a plastic bag on it, and then you roll up the towel.

[59] Right.

[60] So it's like a burrito, and then you just put some, you know.

[61] Yeah, some guy has a YouTube tutorial on how to make your own fleshlight.

[62] Really?

[63] Yeah, it looks super complicated.

[64] You don't have too much work.

[65] Why do all that?

[66] That's like, how much time is your time worth an hour, okay?

[67] Is it worth 20 bucks an hour?

[68] It's going to take you more than three hours to make that guy.

[69] Just buy it.

[70] Right.

[71] You know what would be cool?

[72] Awesome.

[73] If you were so tight and so cool with your housekeeper that you didn't even have to clean it, you could just leave it out.

[74] Buy like 20 of them, right?

[75] You buy like 20 of them and then she cleans for you, right?

[76] That would be dope.

[77] Then I would use that shit all the goddamn time.

[78] Me and my housekeeper, we ain't that tight yet.

[79] Yeah, no housekeeper wants to clean your loads.

[80] That's where they draw the line.

[81] But how cool would it be?

[82] Seriously, that would be cool.

[83] If you could just throw it like underwear.

[84] You know when you just leave your shit everywhere.

[85] You know your housekeeper's coming on Wednesday.

[86] You know what I mean?

[87] It would be cool, man. Then I would definitely use it.

[88] I'd buy it wholesale and shit.

[89] That's like somebody told me the other day.

[90] Don't you know that weed stores are a way for the government to get involved and take your money?

[91] I'm like, dude, I can use a credit card and be in and out.

[92] Who cares if the government gets a piece of it?

[93] Who the fuck told you that the government's involved in the weed stores because of credit cards?

[94] That is the number one problem with hanging out with people that smoke pot.

[95] There's so many dopey stoners that have like...

[96] like crazy ideas.

[97] The latest is that this Gulf disaster, all the wackies are saying that this was a planned event and that they're doing this to use it as an excuse to kill off a giant percentage of the population.

[98] Is Alex Jones saying that too?

[99] What does he say?

[100] We need to get to the bottom of it.

[101] He's got to have it.

[102] Black helicopters, ladies and gentlemen, what they're doing right now in the Gulf mirrors what they're trying to do in our school systems.

[103] They're trying to take your guns.

[104] Dude, if you ever had a cartoon, if you ever had a cartoon, you would have to have the...

[105] Alex Jones be a character in the Joey Diaz.

[106] Because those two are almost perfect.

[107] Like, identical.

[108] You could totally have the best cartoon.

[109] Oh, I can do Alex really good if I listen to him.

[110] When I listen to him, ladies and gentlemen, I get the tones of the voice.

[111] I understand what the New World Order is plotting.

[112] And it's evil.

[113] It's wrong.

[114] They're coming for your babies.

[115] They want to put implants in your uterus.

[116] What does Joey think about the oil spill?

[117] What the fuck are you bothering me with this oil spill bullshit?

[118] Listen, cocksucker, I got no time.

[119] I got 10 cats, and the weed store is open at 9 a .m., you know what I'm saying?

[120] I get down there, I get my OG Kush, I say hello, maybe I have some fresh squeezed orange juice, and I mind my fucking business.

[121] This was asked on my form spring that I just started.

[122] Cannabis clubs are one of the biggest capitalist money -making schemes that have ever come around in 15 years.

[123] Why is this never called out?

[124] Why is that?

[125] Well, what does that mean, capitalist money -making schemes?

[126] Okay, first of all, the one that I go to that was just shut down was owned by a guy who's a businessman, who's a nice guy, who took a chance on something that's very controversial, like opening up a marijuana store.

[127] And he provides good service, and he has loyal customers because he's a friendly guy, and they always give you free joints and everything when you leave.

[128] these cookies they're awesome they're super nice and super friendly and it was a privately owned business by one guy this guy's full of shit i this guy was providing me with an awesome service he was selling great weed all legally doing everything according to california state law by the book every single aspect of it and he had a nice business going we had a bunch of people that were like loyal business there's nothing the government has nothing to do with that I mean, no more than the government has to do with me telling jokes.

[129] Because look, if I'm telling jokes, you know, if I'm getting paid to do comedy, I got to pay taxes.

[130] So in a sense, when you go to see my act, you support the government.

[131] You know, I mean, really, in a sense, you know, I pay the government a ton of money every year.

[132] It comes 48 % or something like that of your money.

[133] It goes literally to taxes.

[134] Supporting my government by drinking its coconut water.

[135] Yeah, we need a certain amount of fucking government, folks.

[136] Don't worry about where the money from pot stores is going.

[137] Worry about the massive impact that marijuana being that accessible and basically legal, the massive impact that that has on our culture.

[138] It's only been going on for a few years, and I've noticed a giant difference in just how many...

[139] people are more aware, how many more people are just aware of the legality of it, why it's illegal, what the whole conspiracy was with William Randolph Hearst back in the 30s.

[140] So many more people are informed, and people aren't afraid of it anymore.

[141] It's not like people think that it's going to give you brain damage, it's going to fuck your world up.

[142] People understand now that that's bullshit, and they're starting to realize that it can enhance your life.

[143] That's so fucking important, man. Fuck all this government conspiracy, the biggest capitalist making scheme.

[144] Don't look at that.

[145] Stop.

[146] You're being silly.

[147] You're looking for a negative in something that's incredible.

[148] Marijuana is finally broken through.

[149] And I can tell you from California.

[150] It's crazy.

[151] You can go anywhere and there's weed stores.

[152] My place got closed down because it's too close to a school.

[153] But I put an article on Twitter, and I put a post on Twitter, and I put a post on my message board.

[154] Hey, where are the good places in the valley in California?

[155] And fucking I got dozens of suggestions instantly.

[156] There's never been a time like this ever.

[157] I like my place.

[158] Check it out.

[159] It's just a house in a suburban neighborhood.

[160] What's your place called?

[161] Toluca Lake Collective.

[162] Oh, you took me there once.

[163] Did I?

[164] Yeah, that place is cool.

[165] Yeah.

[166] No, that place is very cool.

[167] It is like a house.

[168] You go in a little picket fence front yard and shit.

[169] It's kind of weird.

[170] The best shit is medpotdelivery .com.

[171] Yeah.

[172] Have you ever thought about that?

[173] I've already used them.

[174] Now, what's the negatives?

[175] I needed weed, and this motherfucker came to my house.

[176] What's the negatives?

[177] Is that illegal?

[178] The negatives is some dude who delivers pot and knows where you live.

[179] No, no. He's actually an old friend of Jiu -Jitsu.

[180] I've known him forever.

[181] Oh, okay.

[182] You've actually bought weed from him before, too.

[183] Which guy is it?

[184] His name is Brett.

[185] He trains in Culver City.

[186] City with Gerson.

[187] He's a Bob Gracie guy.

[188] We know him.

[189] Remember that guy?

[190] Now he delivers the shit.

[191] Medpotdeliver .com.

[192] That is correct.

[193] If you were thinking about this out of this cloud, you would say, hey, this guy is in the drug business and he's in my house checking my shit out.

[194] Yeah, you could look at it that way, but would you be bothered if a guy came over with a delivery of fine wine?

[195] You wouldn't care, right?

[196] Have a gun out on the fucking scene, man. If a guy came over your house and he had some really nice expensive French wine, that guy's a drug dealer.

[197] Well, I would never let him in my house.

[198] Like I don't let my UPS guy.

[199] But I would have to let the weed guy in my house because you're not going to just break out this weed.

[200] Why not?

[201] If it's legal.

[202] Because my neighbors don't care if it's legal.

[203] They think, oh, this guy's doing drugs on the front porch.

[204] You worry about your neighbors.

[205] My neighbors can suck my dick.

[206] You can even see your neighbors.

[207] You can roll down a hill and you still don't hit your neighbors.

[208] Yeah, but...

[209] But if I did, even if I did have neighbors, your neighbors should know who the fuck you are, man. If you're worried about getting a bag of weed in front of your neighbors, that's crazy.

[210] Well, they also own the place.

[211] I think if a guy came over to your house and delivered a nice case of wine, you'd let him right in.

[212] You'd let him right in and roll that little dolly right into your kitchen.

[213] And they'd be like, dumb fuck.

[214] You know what I mean?

[215] I come in some wine, I wash my fucking button -up shirt, and the dudes trust me. It's hilarious.

[216] I didn't mean you as a dumb fuck, right?

[217] I just meant someone with that mentality.

[218] I mean, wine's a drug.

[219] I mean, it is a drug.

[220] It's responsible for, you know, so much art and culture and so much of the way human beings behave, you know.

[221] Alcohol -based societies, any alcohol -based society, it's like, you know, when societies get into alcohol, it's always like violence and yelling and sex.

[222] But lots of fun, too.

[223] Lots of fun.

[224] And passion and poetry and music and shit like that.

[225] You mix weed and alcohol together, that's the best.

[226] Isn't it funny, though, that you never think of wine as a drug?

[227] Nobody thinks of wine.

[228] Like, I do drugs.

[229] What kind of drug do you do?

[230] I do wine.

[231] What is this?

[232] It's a certificate that's not to be trusted.

[233] I don't know what that's going on.

[234] I think my Twitter is crashing.

[235] My ex -girlfriend used to always say that.

[236] She used to always say that wine's a drug?

[237] No, the certificate.

[238] Never mind.

[239] Oh, nobody knows what we're talking about here.

[240] Twitter's going, TweetDeck's going nutty, and I'm just going to shut it off because it's distracting.

[241] Don't shut off the Ustream, though.

[242] No, no, no. I'm not shutting off shit.

[243] Anyway, wine is a drug.

[244] Yeah, totally.

[245] It really is.

[246] Nobody thinks about it.

[247] People always forget that alcohol is a drug.

[248] Yeah, but especially wine.

[249] It happens all the time.

[250] Wine seems like something you have if you're sophisticated.

[251] It's like the most...

[252] If you tell people you smoke weed, there's a lot of people that look at you like there's something wrong with you.

[253] Don't be reading that shit.

[254] Sometimes, but then you get wine in a box, and that's just like, man, this is like Kool -Aid for alcohol.

[255] $5, I got a whole box of alcohol.

[256] It's stanky, though.

[257] There's nothing worse than some shitty wine, man. Yeah, I agree.

[258] What do you think Mel Gibson was drinking when he made those calls?

[259] What was he drinking?

[260] Can we hear him?

[261] Yeah, if you don't know what we're talking about.

[262] Mel Gibson apparently lost his fucking marbles.

[263] He's got this chick who he's, I mean, he was married for a number of years and has, you know, quite a few kids with, and he left her.

[264] And this is the new chick that he hooked up with.

[265] I think it's more than alcohol, though.

[266] I think this is just straight up like what she was saying, crazy person.

[267] Yeah.

[268] This is what I've always told people about actors.

[269] Actors are really annoying.

[270] And one of the things that's so annoying about them is they really are.

[271] You have to be crazy to want to be an actor.

[272] You have to be crazy to get through all those hoops.

[273] And there's a lot of them that are cool.

[274] I mean, a lot of actors that are really fun to hang around with.

[275] But for the most part...

[276] a giant percentage of them are fucking completely insane.

[277] And the business coddles to them.

[278] Because the business is kind of like, they're always getting them food and kissing their ass.

[279] And Mr. Gibson will be ready for you in 20 minutes.

[280] And he's making so much money.

[281] And he's the focus of all these people's attention and love and adulation.

[282] These movies are giant.

[283] Passion of the Christ is giant.

[284] And so that just blows your fucking ego up even more.

[285] And most of them, a good percentage of them, are really, truly insane.

[286] A good percentage of actors, they're totally insane.

[287] Totally delusional.

[288] We're starting to see that now because of all these sources, these TMZ places and stuff like that where you get to see someone's true personality.

[289] They catch them drunk coming out of a nightclub and you get a camera on them.

[290] All this shit that's going on right now, you're getting to see deep behind the curtain.

[291] Twitter.

[292] I mean, shit.

[293] There's some crazy -ass celebrities, I swear to God.

[294] And a couple fighters.

[295] Oh, man. It's crazy.

[296] War Machine has an awesome Twitter.

[297] They're falling apart in front of the world.

[298] It's incredible.

[299] I love it.

[300] Very entertaining.

[301] Yeah, there's definitely people that are losing their fucking shit.

[302] There's a lot of people out there doing Twitter that really should not be allowed to talk.

[303] You shouldn't be allowed to be just talking publicly.

[304] Yeah.

[305] Somebody should handle you, man. Whoever's handling Britney Spears right now, they got it wired.

[306] For years, this wasn't an issue.

[307] People were going to have publicists and you could say stupid shit and nobody cared.

[308] Nobody ever found out about it.

[309] Think about all the crazy scandals that have happened throughout history and how much there would be much more in the news today than ever before.

[310] Well, think about the Rod Stewart pumping the stomach rumor.

[311] Remember that?

[312] That was like early 80s.

[313] Well, we talked about this before, the gerbil rumor, the Richard Gere gerbil rumor.

[314] That's the world champion.

[315] That's before Twitter, before the internet.

[316] Can you imagine that shit?

[317] That is the world champion rumor.

[318] Yeah.

[319] No rumor can fuck with that Richard Gere gerbil up the ass rumor because there was nothing, nothing, there was no...

[320] Seedy television shows talked about it.

[321] There was no internet.

[322] It somehow or another made it.

[323] He grew up in California.

[324] I grew up in Boston.

[325] We both heard it.

[326] That one and the stomach -pumping Rod Stewart one.

[327] Taco Bell survived the sour cream cum rumor, and I still, even while that was going on.

[328] I've never even heard the sour cream cum rumor.

[329] Oh, dude, this guy got busted working at Taco Bell.

[330] He just came in a bunch of tacos.

[331] He used to do it for two months, blah, blah, blah.

[332] Brian, that was a rumor only in your town.

[333] Maybe it was.

[334] That shit didn't make it.

[335] But I still went to Taco Bell.

[336] That happens like every...

[337] Taco Bell is food.

[338] We're talking about a human being.

[339] Life is ruined.

[340] Yeah, but I don't put human beings in my mouth unless I...

[341] But dude, you could stop, okay, eating tacos and you wouldn't have to worry about it.

[342] That guy can't stop being Richard Gere.

[343] What are the two biggest rumors pre -internet have in common?

[344] Loads.

[345] And?

[346] And sex.

[347] Gay sex.

[348] Yes, gay.

[349] Gay sex.

[350] Listen, gay shit is funny.

[351] I don't give a fuck what anybody says.

[352] What about the George Michael?

[353] Remember the George Michael thing?

[354] Was that before the internet?

[355] When was that?

[356] Yes, it was.

[357] That was before the internet?

[358] Yeah, with the cops.

[359] I mean, there was a meager internet.

[360] There was a little internet.

[361] It was not the kind of culture that's...

[362] Everybody had an AOL.

[363] It was a MySpace.

[364] Yeah, it wasn't like instant.

[365] That was huge.

[366] I watched Careless Whisper today on YouTube.

[367] What?

[368] George Michael, Careless Whisper.

[369] Dude, open that shit up.

[370] Do you want to first hear this Mel Gibson?

[371] Let's go to Careless Whisper first, then we'll go to Mel Gibson.

[372] Let's go positive first, then negative.

[373] Careless Whispers?

[374] Careless Whispers, George Michaels, and it's all talking about, the video's him, and he's dancing, he's with a girl, it's all talking about him and a girl breaking up.

[375] It's a great song.

[376] But there's a scene where he has to kiss the girl.

[377] Why did you watch this today?

[378] It's fascinating.

[379] Was this during fleshlight time?

[380] You zoom in on his face with some crazy FBI, CIA stuff, and you see right when he kissed, his eyes rolled back.

[381] But it's just something about even the words were gay.

[382] It wasn't just gay the way he dressed and looked.

[383] He probably didn't write the song, though.

[384] But he accepted it.

[385] Maybe he did.

[386] No, maybe he did.

[387] He accepted it.

[388] Guilty feet, I've got no rhythm.

[389] No, I'm never going to dance again.

[390] Guilty feet, I've got no rhythm.

[391] What heterosexual man would be willing to say that?

[392] I've got guilty feet.

[393] Guilty feet, I've got no rhythm.

[394] Guilty feet of, what the fuck are you talking, oh, you got it hooked up, Brian.

[395] Just did that on the fly.

[396] I just did it on the fly, like right now.

[397] Ladies and gentlemen, tech support extraordinaire, Brian Redman Reichel.

[398] And everything about him, he's so, like, feminine.

[399] Like, beautiful, handsome man. His hair is fabulous.

[400] You know?

[401] Like, striking features.

[402] Only gay people like saxophone and songs.

[403] If George Michael was straight, he could do so much damage.

[404] If you see a straight, aggressive man with those looks and the fucking voice that he has, you know what kind of damage that motherfucker could have done?

[405] That facial hair.

[406] God, everything.

[407] The whole package.

[408] Beautiful man. It's sad goodbyes.

[409] Listen to this.

[410] Guilty feet, I've got no rhythm.

[411] Cut!

[412] Son, you're gay.

[413] And you're white.

[414] You're gay.

[415] Guilty feet, you've got no rhythm.

[416] Fantastic music of the 80s.

[417] All right, now that's positive and that's all good.

[418] And now what we have to talk about, ladies and gentlemen, something that's not so positive and not so good.

[419] We've got to play this fucking Mel Gibson clip because you need to know.

[420] Tell me when to pause it.

[421] Imagine if this was a gay thing, like a secret gay relationship.

[422] That's the next one.

[423] That's the next one.

[424] It's going to be a Ted Haggard.

[425] Ted Haggard banned me from fucking Twitter, man. God damn it.

[426] What?

[427] He blocked me. I'm so mad.

[428] He knows who you are.

[429] For a long time, I was enjoying it.

[430] And no, it was because of a comment, I think.

[431] He probably has heard my bit before, but he probably didn't know I was following him.

[432] I mean, I would assume if he's online, someone probably sent him my bit.

[433] But he's, anyway, he wrote on his Twitter, he goes, after Sunday, you know, Bible study, sandwiches, and then dot, dot, dot, question mark.

[434] So I wrote, meth and blowjobs, question mark.

[435] That was my response.

[436] And so he blocked me. I'm fucking very upset, man. What a pussy.

[437] Because it was fascinating reading his Twitter.

[438] Now I have to.

[439] I could still read it, though, dude.

[440] You can't totally block me. I'll just go in through a web browser.

[441] You don't know that.

[442] It only blocks you on your iPhone, though, doesn't it?

[443] It only blocks you on whatever application you're using, TweetDeck or Twitter or whatever.

[444] Oh, it doesn't do it on the website.

[445] No, you go right to the website.

[446] Remember, that was how our friend did not know that we knew that he was saying some fucked up shit.

[447] Right.

[448] Totally unrelated thing, but so I still get to read and take in the goodness that is the Ted Haggard Twitter.

[449] If you don't know, Ted Haggard is a famous evangelist that turned out was actually smoking meth and having gay sex with hookers.

[450] All these gay hookers.

[451] And he was like a huge spokesperson for the religious right.

[452] You used to have conference calls weekly with George Bush where they would talk about such things as promoting Christianity and stopping the gay agenda.

[453] It was just a crazy homo.

[454] Dude, that sounds like a sitcom, dude.

[455] That's a fucking great idea for a sitcom.

[456] Like that dude's life is a sitcom.

[457] He's married.

[458] He's got kids.

[459] But he's not gay, but he's a cooker on the side just to pay the bills.

[460] Oh, my God.

[461] And Ted Haggard is one of his customers.

[462] What do you think?

[463] I'd watch it.

[464] When that guy got busted, what did he feel like?

[465] How did that feel?

[466] To get caught.

[467] At least it's not on video.

[468] Can you imagine if the guy videotaped it?

[469] Like real clear, HD quality, slow job.

[470] That's probably what he wanted.

[471] He probably wanted to get caught.

[472] That's probably what his whole thing was.

[473] He probably got caught and started twisting his nipples while it was happening.

[474] No way.

[475] No way.

[476] He probably didn't sing for a month.

[477] Yeah, I think Eddie's right.

[478] But I also think that when you...

[479] When you're hiding that much, I think the pressure is so hard that you almost want to get caught to end it.

[480] I think the pressure of having that big of a secret, you're this Christian religious evangelist that's like a public speaker who's revered by the Christian movement.

[481] And meanwhile, you're smoking crystal meth and sucking a guy's asshole.

[482] You're fucking sucking.

[483] We don't know that.

[484] We don't know that.

[485] Yeah, no, no, no. The guy was very explicit.

[486] Not all guys suck assholes.

[487] No, no, no. The hooker was very, very open about it.

[488] Oh, really?

[489] He talked about sucking the rectum.

[490] Oh, dude, they get freaky.

[491] I don't know.

[492] If you're gay, you might as well.

[493] You know what?

[494] I might be talking out of my ass right there.

[495] I don't remember the exact details.

[496] I remember he was talking about having gay sex.

[497] I don't know if he actually mentioned sucking an asshole.

[498] You know how there's lame chicks who don't really like to suck dick?

[499] I wonder if there's lame gay dudes who don't really like to lick assholes.

[500] I'm sure I'll just give you a little handjob.

[501] Selfish.

[502] Selfish.

[503] Selfish gay dude.

[504] I was on submityourflickslastnight .com.

[505] It's just like YouTube for porn.

[506] And there was this one video where this hot chick had this nasty boyfriend.

[507] And she was just like, this is home amateur video.

[508] Just fucking eating his ass.

[509] And I want to, you know, it's like, it's like.

[510] crazy.

[511] How do you get to that point where you're like, dude...

[512] Well, the balls are right there.

[513] You never had a chick lick your ass?

[514] Yeah, but it was by mistake, kind of.

[515] He was bent over.

[516] You can't bend over.

[517] If a chick's going to lick your ass, you can't bend over.

[518] There was a very funny episode of Sex and the City about that.

[519] A very funny episode of Sex and the City where a guy wanted to get his ass licked.

[520] He licked her ass and he was trying to lean his ass towards her face.

[521] He was like, get the fuck out of here!

[522] Man, I like it.

[523] Yeah.

[524] I'm a fan of that.

[525] Why do you think porn is going in such a crazy direction?

[526] Are people spiraling out of control?

[527] I mean, the amount of fucked up porn that's available today, it must be like 10 ,000 times what it was in the 80s.

[528] More even.

[529] It was very hard in the 1980s to get...

[530] I think it's just technology.

[531] They got one.

[532] Mouth fucks, smacks and beating chicks up and nutting in their eyeballs.

[533] There's so much nutty shit that's online, like aggressive, violent porn.

[534] So much more.

[535] It's more people have cameras and internet connections.

[536] Is that what it is?

[537] Or is it just that people are numb to the regular shit and things like porn and the obsession with porn accelerates just like technology.

[538] It just gets crazier and crazier and crazier and crazier.

[539] Because there's a lot of porn that you used to watch when you were a kid that wouldn't even get you excited now.

[540] It'd be boring as fuck.

[541] You just get so desensitized.

[542] You want that high -resolution, close -up shit.

[543] 2008.

[544] Did porn in 3D, what's the latest on that?

[545] Who knows?

[546] I don't know, but you want to hear Mel Gibson?

[547] Yeah, let's go to Mel Gibson before we go into porn.

[548] More porn in 3D.

[549] Here's the big call.

[550] This is not the first one.

[551] This is, I think, the second one, but this is like the...

[552] If you don't know, Mel Gibson has this chick, and the chick is his baby mama, and she's got his daughter, and so Mel Gibson is calling her, and they're having a conversation over the phone, and the chick is secretly taping it, and it's fucking crazy.

[553] All right, here we go.

[554] You got to make this much louder.

[555] Brian, this is really low.

[556] All right.

[557] I don't know if this is going to work, folks.

[558] It's better than nothing.

[559] It was better when you had the microphone and you put it right over the YouTube.

[560] We're going to try a different way, folks, because I think this recording is just a little too low.

[561] I don't think it's good with the mic.

[562] We did it before.

[563] It's louder.

[564] That's the thing.

[565] Give us one second here, ladies and gentlemen.

[566] We apologize for the delay.

[567] You got it, Brian?

[568] Yeah, now it's just downloading the video.

[569] It's downloading?

[570] Is that going to take a second?

[571] Yeah, it's buffering a little bit.

[572] Why did it stop?

[573] I don't know.

[574] Goddamn internet.

[575] What do you think you've got to figure it out?

[576] Don't hang out for me. Much better.

[577] difficult.

[578] Well, you know what?

[579] There'll be a woman that fucking supports me instead of a woman that sucks off me and just fucking sucks me dry and wants and wants.

[580] Get out of this relationship if you're a good woman and you love me. I don't believe you anymore.

[581] What am I?

[582] What did you say?

[583] Take care of your bullshit.

[584] Has any relationship ever worked with you?

[585] No. Listen to me. You don't love me. Because somebody who loves does not behave this way.

[586] I do not.

[587] Hang on a second.

[588] One second.

[589] One second, please.

[590] No. I'm sorry.

[591] All right, let's pause this for a second.

[592] Pause this for a second.

[593] No, wait, wait.

[594] We'll do the best part.

[595] The best part is coming.

[596] You're so selfish.

[597] I didn't do anything.

[598] I did not do anything.

[599] This is your selfish imagination.

[600] That's all.

[601] I'm sleeping with a baby.

[602] I'm waking up every two hours.

[603] I fell asleep because I was waiting for you because you weren't ready to go to jacuzzi as we agreed.

[604] Who the fuck cares?

[605] We agreed nothing.

[606] You agreed.

[607] You just fucking expect shit.

[608] Go out to the goddamn jacuzzi yourself.

[609] Go out to the fucking jacuzzi.

[610] It's a thing.

[611] You have no fucking soul.

[612] I didn't blame you for anything.

[613] I was just waiting to sleep.

[614] Zero, you won't even fucking cry.

[615] Oh my God, he's crazy.

[616] You don't care.

[617] You don't care.

[618] You just enjoy insulting me, that's all.

[619] Fuck you, I so fucking do because you hurt me so bad.

[620] I didn't do anything.

[621] I did not do anything.

[622] I apologize for that.

[623] I did not do anything.

[624] She can suck.

[625] She wants to suck my dick.

[626] Oh, really?

[627] What?

[628] You apologize for nothing when you're a dishonest cunt.

[629] Because you need to apologize for a reason.

[630] I wanted to peace.

[631] I wanted to have peace.

[632] Because you're unbalanced.

[633] You're unbalanced.

[634] You need medication.

[635] because you know you're wrong.

[636] He's gonna drag a friend into the slot.

[637] That's all I said.

[638] And if you will not fucking admit that, get the fuck out.

[639] And I will make your goddamn life miserable.

[640] Alright?

[641] You need medication.

[642] What?

[643] What?

[644] That's a sample way?

[645] I need a woman.

[646] Not a fucking little girl with a fucking dysfunctional gunt.

[647] I need a fucking woman.

[648] I want that.

[649] is my ringtone yeah Okay, I've heard enough of this.

[650] Dude, this is going on too long.

[651] Seriously, hold on.

[652] This is brilliant.

[653] Go to Alessia's right now.

[654] Watch, watch, watch.

[655] Was that crazy?

[656] Come on.

[657] She'll suck me in five seconds.

[658] She was making eyes.

[659] She's not your friend.

[660] That's actors.

[661] That's fucking actors.

[662] This is what I'm talking about.

[663] When I first moved to California and I first started working with actors, I couldn't believe how crazy so many of them were.

[664] There's a lot of crazy motherfuckers that just know how to act normal when they're being interviewed during press junkets.

[665] I figured out a way he can save his career.

[666] Bob, shut the fuck up.

[667] No, no, seriously.

[668] That is all viral videos for a movie coming out.

[669] Oh, my God.

[670] It would be brilliant.

[671] How crazy would that be?

[672] What?

[673] A viral video for a movie about an obsessive rich guy who's taking care of a Russian whore.

[674] And it's going to get worse.

[675] Yeah, that's a great idea for a movie.

[676] Yeah, it's going to get worse.

[677] A girl comes over.

[678] That's actually a great idea for a movie.

[679] You get a girl from a country like Russia where it's poor and there's a lot of women over there that are fucking.

[680] beautiful man stunningly beautiful but they've got like a hardness to them right so she comes over she decides all right I'm gonna let this rich guy fuck me I'm gonna make a ton of money and just you know just deal with it deal with him and he just becomes fucking crazy and he's like a giant movie star like Mel Gibson you know what you know what movie was kind of like that that hasn't even come out yet remember that dude what was that Joaquin Phoenix that started growing the beard and going crazy and then like he's that's a movie Is he doing that for a movie?

[681] Is that viral bullshit?

[682] Well, that's what I've always thought.

[683] I always wondered what the other day I heard that was true.

[684] How could that save his career?

[685] Did he go on Conan?

[686] Yeah, he gave up acting.

[687] And then he had all this like...

[688] television appearances where he acted crazy and stuff.

[689] That was like a film I just found out recently and I thought that from day one.

[690] I'm like, this is bullshit.

[691] That dude's not, why is he on Conan if he's going crazy and quitting acting, you know?

[692] Right, right, right.

[693] That's fascinating.

[694] So hopefully Mel Gibson is on.

[695] So why is that movie supposed to come out?

[696] I don't know.

[697] A couple weeks ago I heard about it.

[698] It was like a documentary.

[699] There's a few dudes that can just act their fucking ass off.

[700] There's a few dudes where I really appreciate the craft of what they're doing.

[701] Gary Oldman, he's one of them.

[702] Joaquin Phoenix?

[703] Joaquin Phoenix.

[704] He's one of them, too.

[705] That motherfucker can act his ass off.

[706] He did Johnny Cash perfectly.

[707] Perfect.

[708] I love that movie.

[709] That's a fucking great movie.

[710] Is that a Blu -ray?

[711] It must be.

[712] I got it on my laptop.

[713] Is Mel Gibson a great actor?

[714] Fuck yeah.

[715] Fuck yeah.

[716] Because he's crazy as fuck.

[717] Back in the day, dude, the Mad Max days, who the fuck would have been a better Mad Max than Mel Gibson?

[718] They always fuck you in the drive -thru.

[719] Dude, Mad Max was...

[720] That's fucking Joe Pesci, bro.

[721] Yeah, but that was from Lethal Weapon.

[722] Lethal Weapon sucked.

[723] Dude, that's how I liked him.

[724] Lethal Weapon, like, one was okay, one was kind of cool, and then they got stupid.

[725] But Mad Max is the shit, dude.

[726] Mad Max is the shit.

[727] Road Warrior was awesome, too.

[728] Yeah, Road Warrior is badass, too.

[729] Braveheart.

[730] Braveheart was the shit.

[731] Braveheart was outstanding.

[732] That was his best work.

[733] I remember leaving.

[734] That was like a three -hour movie.

[735] And I left, and I went to the comedy store right afterwards, and I got on stage, and I had so much fucking energy just from that movie.

[736] I felt it.

[737] You know who used to always say that?

[738] Paul Mooney.

[739] He used to always say that whenever he entertains, or whenever he gets entertained, rather, he does a better job of entertaining.

[740] He goes, I always do a better job after I've seen something entertaining.

[741] Yeah, Braveheart, I did not expect it.

[742] I didn't even want to see it.

[743] Me too.

[744] I heard it was three hours.

[745] Like, the movie I wanted to see wasn't...

[746] It was sold out, and I was like, fuck this Braveheart bullshit.

[747] I walked out of that motherfucker, and my head just exploded.

[748] I thought it was a date movie.

[749] I was like, what is it, Mel Gibson?

[750] What is this?

[751] A bunch of dummies running at each other with swords.

[752] I always thought that that was the most tired premise ever.

[753] There's a group of fucking enemy on one side, a group of soldiers on one side, and their enemy on the other side, and they run at each other and fucking smash in the middle and kill each other.

[754] How many times have they been doing that fucking scene?

[755] They'll keep going.

[756] It still works.

[757] Braveheart, that should have settled it.

[758] Unless you're using monsters and goblins and shit coming at each other like that, stop doing that.

[759] Stop doing those two soldiers.

[760] Gladiator was good, though, too.

[761] Imagine if people started making more Titanic's.

[762] People rip off movies.

[763] There's a vampire genre.

[764] There's a giant cruise liner sinking genre.

[765] Yeah, they do rip off genres, but some they can't.

[766] Poseidon Adventure is like that.

[767] That's like the only other...

[768] Well, I think that shit really happens, so it's not really ripping off.

[769] Right, right, right.

[770] But how does that work?

[771] Is only one person authorized?

[772] I mean, anyone can pretty much write their own story about the Titanic.

[773] Right.

[774] I guess once it's covered like that, people go, well, it's an Academy Award winner.

[775] Let's just leave it alone.

[776] Yeah, I don't think they left it alone.

[777] I think there's a lot of Titanic movies called Titanic.

[778] There is?

[779] Yeah, I think there's a couple of shitty ones, you know, like cheap...

[780] Oh, ones that existed before?

[781] Yeah.

[782] I don't know.

[783] Who gives a fuck?

[784] Who cares?

[785] Yeah, but anyway, that Joaquin Phoenix dude, that guy can act his ass off.

[786] There's a few guys like that.

[787] What's his face?

[788] The Australian dude?

[789] What the fuck's his name?

[790] Russell Crowe.

[791] He's a bad motherfucker, too.

[792] Robin Hood sucked big balls, though.

[793] Did you see that?

[794] The new one?

[795] Oh, my God.

[796] Yes.

[797] You didn't see it?

[798] I didn't even know it existed.

[799] fucking garbage.

[800] First of all, he does not look like a Robin Hood.

[801] He's got this fat face.

[802] He looks like a guy who eats too much.

[803] You know?

[804] You know what I'm saying?

[805] I mean, he looks like this, like, he looks like a well -fed, taken -care -of guy.

[806] He doesn't look like a hungry, dangerous...

[807] Who is in it?

[808] Who is in it?

[809] Robin Hood.

[810] Russell Crowe.

[811] Oh, no idea.

[812] Russell Crowe, like, he looks, I mean, he's not fat, but he's not, he's not like a lean, like, sinewy -looking dude.

[813] You know?

[814] That's when you picture Robin Hood, man. You don't picture some guy who looks like well -fed and...

[815] He's in tights and shit.

[816] Isn't Robin Hood in tights or something?

[817] Can you imagine trying to do if Sony Pictures gave you full green light power to produce and direct Jack and Jill?

[818] You know what I mean?

[819] You go, fuck, they gotta go up a hill.

[820] Why do they go up this fucking hill?

[821] You know what I mean?

[822] They get some water.

[823] Can you imagine that?

[824] It's like Robin Hood.

[825] You're handcuffed.

[826] You got this dude who fucking steals.

[827] How are we going to make this happen?

[828] I don't see Jack and Jill.

[829] I can see Jack and Jill coming out.

[830] The journey up the hill.

[831] You know, or something like that.

[832] I can see a good Robin Hood.

[833] I can see a good Robin Hood.

[834] But you would have to get someone who's, you know, it's all about who writes the script and who directs it and whose vision it is.

[835] Yeah.

[836] I mean, the dude did exist for real, but, I mean, the story was just horrible.

[837] Yeah, it was a real dude.

[838] Robin Hood existed.

[839] Nottingham, man. Robin Hood.

[840] What is the actual story?

[841] It was robbing from the rich and stealing, robbing the rich and giving to the poor.

[842] That's the whole Robin Hood.

[843] Damn, there's no Robin Hoods around today.

[844] He was the last motherfucker like that.

[845] What was the story?

[846] Yeah.

[847] Kings or something like that?

[848] Who was Robin Hood?

[849] It was so bad, I don't remember shit.

[850] The movie was that bad.

[851] Yeah, it was bad.

[852] I liked when he was a fox.

[853] He was a fox?

[854] Disney.

[855] Who?

[856] Russell Crowe?

[857] Robin Hood.

[858] What the fuck are you talking about?

[859] Robin Hood, the old Disney cartoon where he's a fox?

[860] What?

[861] The original Robin Hood.

[862] I have no idea what you're talking about.

[863] You've never seen Robin Hood cartoon movie?

[864] No. What?

[865] He was a fox?

[866] Robin Hood was a fox?

[867] No, he wasn't.

[868] Yes, he was.

[869] Brian, you got some weird rumors about Lodes and Taco Bell.

[870] I got too stoned.

[871] Did you eat mushrooms too?

[872] Some people can't handle their weed, folks.

[873] You know what happened?

[874] We both smoked two hits each, and then I said, do you want some more?

[875] And Brian said, no, no, no. Motherfucker, what are you talking about?

[876] Robin Hood was a goddamn fox.

[877] Listen, Brian, just because...

[878] Do you remember this?

[879] No, I don't.

[880] No, I don't.

[881] I don't.

[882] That's like a classic Disney movie, like Bambi and stuff.

[883] Oh, really?

[884] I thought you saw it.

[885] Sorry.

[886] No, no. I thought everyone saw that.

[887] So he was a fox first and then he became Robin Hood?

[888] Yeah.

[889] Ridiculous.

[890] Maybe I saw it and I don't remember.

[891] Okay.

[892] Ryan, you win.

[893] I could have.

[894] You win.

[895] I thought you ate some sherm or something.

[896] Well, okay.

[897] Anyway, the point was that Russell Crowe's movie wasn't very good.

[898] Back to fucking Mel Gibson, man. Holy shit.

[899] When he said, when he tried to break up his friendship with her best friend, because she would have sucked me in five seconds.

[900] She's not your friend.

[901] That was deep shit right there, man. The Rose Garden.

[902] It's hilarious.

[903] Because it was probably true.

[904] Well, what is it about when someone just has a colossal, catastrophic fuck -up like this that makes you so uncomfortable?

[905] I think it's because you are terrified that you would ever see that kind of behavior in yourself.

[906] And you can only imagine that it could be possible in some fucking unsprung fit of madness that you got completely out of control when you were drunk or on drugs or something.

[907] He said, shit equally as crazy.

[908] Go ahead to the goddamn jacuzzi yourself.

[909] Go ahead, fuck that jacuzzi.

[910] I would love to have recordings of arguments I got in with crazy girlfriends when I was young and stupid.

[911] But you know what?

[912] The one thing about this, the one thing I thought about at least three or four times while I'm listening to this is, damn, the bitch could be really psycho.

[913] He's probably fucked up because she probably did some crazy shit.

[914] Maybe, maybe.

[915] I'm just thinking maybe she did some crazy shit, then she records it, and he's not repeating what he did because he assumes that she already knows.

[916] I mean, Of course she would go.

[917] Right, you know what I'm saying?

[918] He's crazy.

[919] And if he's not crazy, then he's incredibly weak.

[920] That was like the weakest version of the pimp hand I've ever heard ever.

[921] Don't you fucking hang up on me. What are you talking about, son?

[922] Why are you getting...

[923] He like gave away every fucking move.

[924] First of all, she's calm and collected.

[925] He's screaming and yelling and calling her a cunt.

[926] He loses.

[927] He loses.

[928] Right off the bat.

[929] Because she's like, I don't know why you're so excited.

[930] You need medication.

[931] What?

[932] What?

[933] He fucking loses.

[934] He's trying to intimidate her.

[935] He's doing nothing.

[936] He's telling her he's going to bring the cops to her house to kick her out with her baby.

[937] And she's like, you can do that if you want.

[938] She owned him.

[939] It was just like straight domination.

[940] How dare you?

[941] I'm just trying to help out a brother.

[942] That's all right.

[943] He's not your brother.

[944] He's weak.

[945] You're a mentally deprived idiot.

[946] That's a weak, weak man. We thought we were talking about Braveheart.

[947] You know what I mean?

[948] It touched me. And I'm thinking, damn, let's help this motherfucker out.

[949] You know what I mean?

[950] Guys can get crazy.

[951] Guys can get possessive.

[952] I know.

[953] You know, he's a brilliant director, too.

[954] That apocalypto was fascinating.

[955] I loved it.

[956] I never saw it.

[957] I hated the other one.

[958] The Passion of the Christ, to me, was like a two -hour movie about a dude with magic who got the fuck beat out of him.

[959] I mean, he could do magic tricks, and they just beat his fucking ass and then killed him in the end, and he comes back.

[960] Oh, what a fucking movie.

[961] Like, if you take away the story of Jesus, you take away the biblical, you know, story of it.

[962] If you don't know that as a reference, as a standalone movie, it's terrible.

[963] As a standalone movie, it's a guy who just does a few magic tricks and they beat the fuck out of him and kill him.

[964] That's the whole movie.

[965] Dude, they gotta do part two and part three and make a twist.

[966] Because the motherfucker comes back, right?

[967] You believe that other shit, you might as well go with it.

[968] There's more to the story.

[969] That's just part one.

[970] Mel, that could save your fucking career.

[971] Do part two.

[972] It's so funny how strong the urge is to look into the past for a time where things were explained and clear and that we were in the presence of divine glory and the Lord was here on earth and walking amongst men.

[973] It's so funny how we just have this incredible need to look to the past, like as if there's something that we knew and we forgot.

[974] There was a connection that we had and it was lost.

[975] I wonder what that represents.

[976] You know, there's people that think that that represents psychedelics, that this whole idea of the Christ, this whole idea of that at one point in time we were connected to God and now we're not, you know, and a lot of people believe that it was a climate change issue, that mushrooms stopped growing and they couldn't get them and they couldn't use them as a regular part of their culture, you know, which is the whole basis of the sacred mushroom and the cross, that book.

[977] So I wonder, man, I wonder what the fuck that is.

[978] But God, people are so hung up on that idea.

[979] They love the idea of there being a person at one point in time that really had all the answers.

[980] It's so important to them.

[981] You know, if he existed, he's probably just...

[982] You know, a super enlightened guy who, you know, figured shit out and people were so stupid back then that they thought he was magical.

[983] But really, he probably never even said he was, you know.

[984] If he existed.

[985] I mean, if he existed.

[986] You know, I've heard the arguments against it and they're much stronger than the arguments for him existing.

[987] I just, I just, I know.

[988] Have you, Brian?

[989] I go back and forth, but if you just think about it.

[990] You know, the Christians and the Muslims, they fucking killed each other.

[991] They hate each other.

[992] You know, the Jews and the Christians hate each other.

[993] They slaughter each other.

[994] So if there was...

[995] If Jesus didn't exist, the Jews would be talking about that all the time.

[996] They say, well, he did exist, but he's not like the son of God.

[997] But yeah, he was a bad motherfucker.

[998] That's not enough evidence.

[999] And the same thing with the, they would be all over it, man. But it's not enough evidence.

[1000] You're talking about stories that are, first of all, almost all the biblical stories came from somewhere else.

[1001] Almost all of them, you can get the story of creation from the, the epic of Gilgamesh has like so many parallels.

[1002] Almost the same exact stories.

[1003] through many different cultures.

[1004] No, that Jesus character that's in the movie exists in a lot.

[1005] But that Jesus character exists in timelines far earlier than Jesus Christ was supposed to have walked the earth as a person.

[1006] That's why I'm very skeptical.

[1007] I don't know.

[1008] Because that theme has been going on for thousands of years.

[1009] If I had to choose, I would say he did exist.

[1010] Based on the Muslims and the Jews saying it exists.

[1011] But why choose?

[1012] Why choose at all?

[1013] I'm just saying that we're just discussing it.

[1014] No one really knows.

[1015] I know, but that's, I think, the best way to look at it.

[1016] If we only discuss shit that we had proof for, then...

[1017] No, no, no. I'm not saying don't discuss it.

[1018] What I'm saying is we have this inclination to go one way or the other.

[1019] And I don't think it's necessary in something like this.

[1020] If you had to, though, I would say...

[1021] I know, but if you don't...

[1022] You don't have to.

[1023] You know what I'm saying?

[1024] You're just a human being.

[1025] We have this massive inclination to go one way or the other.

[1026] Do you go Jesus or atheist?

[1027] Do you go Mac or PC?

[1028] It's an urge that we have to accept whether or not someone existed or didn't exist.

[1029] I'm going to say that he existed.

[1030] He was just a bad motherfucker.

[1031] That's all.

[1032] His dad was a god particle.

[1033] His dad was a god particle.

[1034] If you don't know, there's a discussion and debate whether or not the Higgs -Bawson particle, the media crew, you know.

[1035] named God Particle.

[1036] The scientists don't call it the God Particle, but what it basically is is a particle that existed at the very beginning of the universe, the birth of the universe, milliseconds after the Big Bang, they believed this particle existed.

[1037] And they now believe there's five different individual versions of the Higgs -Boson particle.

[1038] And a particle collider in Illinois, of all places, is the place that they're saying that they...

[1039] The competition for the new one, that they're about to shut down, supposedly, its last breath...

[1040] Supposedly there's rumors that it found this.

[1041] And we're going to find out in this speech in Paris next week or something like that.

[1042] Is that what it is?

[1043] There's two different camps on this.

[1044] Some scientists are saying that there's no way and there's no evidence and this is just bullshit and rumors.

[1045] And then there's other scientists that are involved in it.

[1046] They're saying it's very clear they have all the markings that they've discovered this.

[1047] actual particle.

[1048] Yeah, they're going to present their findings July 22nd at the Paris International Conference.

[1049] I joke around about this shit on stage, you know, about like, what the fuck are we doing?

[1050] You know, because I think it is a strange thing that technology used to be used to enhance our lives, you know, like to create cups and, you know, electricity, all these different things that make our life easier.

[1051] But when you get to a certain level of...

[1052] of discovery like the higgs boson particle like you know like what they're working on right now like these particle colliders and all this craziness it's like wow like what what is what's going to come out of here that's going to help us is this going to help us at all or is this just we're just let's see if we can do this i mean and there's nothing wrong with let's see if we can do this if you got all your other covered you know but right now i mean look at all the fucking problems in the world if the the number one thing that scientists are working on is this is that the right thing i mean it's a totally debatable issue I mean, if you were the guy who got to dictate, you know, how we should fix the world, you know, and you got to bring all the scientists together and say, hey, you know, what should we concentrate on?

[1053] Would you say let's make little black holes and let's, you know, let's use the Higgs -Boson, you know, let's try to find the Higgs -Boson particle?

[1054] What would you try to do?

[1055] I would let them do it.

[1056] Jump really high.

[1057] You got to let them do it for sure.

[1058] As long as they spend equal time trying to perfect big dick pills, you know?

[1059] Put some time into that too.

[1060] Do you think if you jumped every day and had some way to calculate how high you jumped every day and you tried it for 10 years, how big high do you think?

[1061] Do you think there's like a wall of how much you can totally jump?

[1062] Yeah, of course.

[1063] Or do you think you could continuously go higher?

[1064] How high are you?

[1065] God damn, what a ridiculous question.

[1066] That's like what I would love to be able to do that experiment.

[1067] Why don't you just do it?

[1068] I thought about it, but my...

[1069] My ex -girlfriend thought I was fucking crazy, so I stopped.

[1070] It only lasted like a week.

[1071] Fuck that bitch.

[1072] Fuck that bitch, man. Try it.

[1073] You could become the best jumper ever.

[1074] You could be on the Olympic jumping team.

[1075] It's all about just numbers.

[1076] My idea is that you would have to get better every week.

[1077] You probably wouldn't ever stop.

[1078] Your muscles would grow.

[1079] You would jump higher and higher.

[1080] Well, let's put it to the test, son.

[1081] I don't have that time.

[1082] Dude, imagine if you could jump pretty high, dude.

[1083] Do it.

[1084] Listen, back to what we were talking about with the Higgs -Bosson particle.

[1085] I don't.

[1086] I'm not criticizing.

[1087] Don't get me wrong.

[1088] I'm not criticizing scientists.

[1089] I'm not saying they should be concentrating on other things.

[1090] I just think it's weird, this obsession that we have with technology, with digging deeper and deeper into the heart of matter.

[1091] I think we're supposed to, man. I know.

[1092] I think we're supposed to, too.

[1093] My whole thing on stage as a joke is about that we create the Big Bang, that human beings are what actually creates the Big Bang.

[1094] We crack the universe open and it starts all over again from scratch.

[1095] Then 14 billion years later, another human being developed.

[1096] that gets developed, makes the Big Bang, and do it all over again.

[1097] Did you hear that the methane gas bubble was debunked, that whole thing that was going around?

[1098] Yeah, I did, but I don't know if there's enough data on that.

[1099] I don't know who's right and who's wrong.

[1100] I know that people that are talking about that area are talking about that they're not letting any photographers in, they're not letting reporters in.

[1101] They have a huge problem with the pollution in the air.

[1102] The oil is not just oil on the surface of the water.

[1103] There's vapor in the air and the parts per million.

[1104] of acceptable toxins is through the fucking roof.

[1105] So they might have to evacuate certain areas.

[1106] It's a fucking ugly, ugly, ugly scene.

[1107] You're talking about an oil spill that's bigger than states, you know?

[1108] I mean, that's, I don't even think we can wrap our head around how big of a disaster this is.

[1109] The ocean is gigantic, but there's a huge part of it that is just fucked up right now.

[1110] And we've never seen anything on this scale in human history that we're aware of, especially not in like, you know, Has it hit the coast of Florida?

[1111] Has it hit Florida yet?

[1112] Yes, it's hit Florida.

[1113] So all those houses, those beachfront houses, I don't know what areas it's hit and what areas it hasn't.

[1114] Well, in Houston, Texas, they're getting...

[1115] Those tar bubbles or whatever things.

[1116] And parts of Florida started to get them about two weeks ago.

[1117] They're saying millions of fish are dead.

[1118] They just put a cap on it.

[1119] They finally put some sort of a cap to stop it.

[1120] But there's reports that there's oil coming from more than one spot off the ocean floor, which means that the pipe, when it blew up, that it's possible that there's all sorts of ruptures further down the line, which means it's just fucked.

[1121] I'm sure they would know that, though.

[1122] I don't know.

[1123] Dude, if you go on Ustream right now, there's nine cameras on Ustream on PBS.

[1124] talking about is holes miles yeah you would just take like a little submarine thing that would go and take go or you know score the area you would see oil coming out of the water wouldn't you well there's guys that have photographed things that they say are plumes that are inside the water I don't know.

[1125] There was a guy on CNN that was talking about the possibilities, and he was a scientist that was explaining what they're trying to do right now with the cap and what is worst -case scenario.

[1126] And he said the worst -case scenario was there was holes in other parts of the pipe further down the line.

[1127] He said, but that right now appears to be highly unlikely.

[1128] So he doesn't know.

[1129] So they said that is worst -case scenario.

[1130] And if people online are saying that that is the case, Who knows?

[1131] We don't know.

[1132] It's almost like a media blackout.

[1133] You're only allowed to get a certain amount of information.

[1134] There's people from Citizens Radio.

[1135] They put on the Jamie Kilstein dude and Allison Kilkenny.

[1136] They put on a bunch of stuff on Twitter where all these people that live on the Gulf are accusing BP of dumping sand onto oil that's washed up on the beach.

[1137] And they proved it.

[1138] They have videos of it on YouTube where they're showing the sand and they're showing the black shit that's underneath the sand.

[1139] They came here with trucks and they dumped sand on top of this oil instead of cleaning the oil up.

[1140] They're making it look like the oil doesn't exist.

[1141] That's fucking crazy shit.

[1142] But they do that all the time, putting sand and rearranging sands on beaches.

[1143] That's just a part of the beach too.

[1144] Maybe it was just regular maintenance.

[1145] Not if they cover all the oil.

[1146] That doesn't make any sense at all.

[1147] They bring in sand to beaches.

[1148] They fucking rake beaches every morning at some point.

[1149] In some place, but Brian, that's a lot of sand.

[1150] I'm just saying the other side.

[1151] There's no proof that they fucking really did this.

[1152] They bring in sand to a whole coastline?

[1153] When have they ever done that?

[1154] When have they ever gone miles and miles down the beach dumping?

[1155] They do it daily.

[1156] It's called maintaining beaches.

[1157] Some beaches, mostly public beaches, they do that all the time.

[1158] So they just drive up with trucks filled with sand?

[1159] They redo beaches.

[1160] all the time.

[1161] Right, but what do they do?

[1162] Do they actually bring sand every day?

[1163] They replace sand from the back to the top front to keep the beach going.

[1164] I think we need to Google this.

[1165] Are they rotating the sand?

[1166] I think we need to Google this.

[1167] Why don't you just Google BP covering oil with sand and see if we can find that article and see what it says exactly because we're starting to delve into the world of we don't know what the fuck we're talking about.

[1168] But anyway, the bottom line is this is a giant fucking disaster.

[1169] It's a scary one, man. I'm not saying that scientists should stop working on the Higgs -Boston particle and stop working on the Large Hadron Collider.

[1170] I mean, I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want to do.

[1171] I'm not contributing to society.

[1172] These guys are scientists.

[1173] Is it going to fuck up Cancun?

[1174] It could fuck up Cancun.

[1175] God damn it.

[1176] Yeah.

[1177] I mean, they're saying that they did it.

[1178] I just did a porky pig there.

[1179] There's some sort of microbes.

[1180] Yeah, they're sending us the allegations.

[1181] There's some sort of microbe that they've developed that consumes oil, and you can pour it on top of the oil, and it actually eats the oil.

[1182] I wonder if they could do it on that kind of a scale, though.

[1183] Maybe it would take over.

[1184] It would become some giant fucking blob and eat New York.

[1185] Once it gets hungry for oil, it runs out of oil, and it starts eating tires and shit.

[1186] They need to dump some vinegar in the ocean and let it...

[1187] Push it aside.

[1188] Aren't tires...

[1189] Tires are made out of oil, right?

[1190] Isn't it?

[1191] Yeah.

[1192] Tires are made out of...

[1193] Yeah, I think so.

[1194] You need petroleum to make tires, right?

[1195] You need oil for mostly anything.

[1196] Could you imagine if there was a fucking disease like a microbe that started eating people's tires and somehow or another got over here from the Gulf efforts?

[1197] If they poured this stuff into the ocean and some of it got out and they started throwing it on the streets of New York and started eating people's cars.

[1198] Eat your tires and shit.

[1199] Eat your sneakers.

[1200] You can't walk in it.

[1201] It becomes a goddamn epidemic.

[1202] We have to change over to hemp.

[1203] Hemp everything.

[1204] That could really happen.

[1205] What's the problem with drinking bottled water?

[1206] Well, there's a lot of people that think that it's wasteful and a lot of people that think that you use up so much.

[1207] oil in the construction of a bottle of water, and then the recycling is only so efficient, and you're constantly contributing to this ecological disaster we have right now with recyclables and plastics and all the shit that's in the ocean right now.

[1208] Is the recycle business a fucking scam now?

[1209] Is that what they're saying?

[1210] Well, Penn and Teller did a thing about recycling being bullshit.

[1211] That would be incredible.

[1212] I think Penn and Teller did a whole episode of bullshit on it.

[1213] Really?

[1214] Yeah, I don't remember the results, though.

[1215] You know, there's some times where you just got to sit and go, obviously, recycling is not a scam, you know?

[1216] Have Penn and Teller ever done an episode of bullshit?

[1217] Have Penn and Teller ever done an episode of bullshit where they decided something isn't bullshit when they were done?

[1218] No, they wouldn't do that episode.

[1219] You think so?

[1220] Oh, I don't know.

[1221] They should.

[1222] You know, I think they do.

[1223] He doesn't smoke with you, does he?

[1224] No, no, no, no. He smoked with you.

[1225] I don't think they do.

[1226] Every now and then, you've got to mix it up.

[1227] Yeah, they did an episode on martial arts, man, saying that martial arts lessons, for the money you save, you'd be better off just giving it to the mugger by not taking them.

[1228] If the money you save by not taking martial arts lessons, you'd be better off just...

[1229] I mean, they have to find that conclusion.

[1230] They have to find...

[1231] Yeah, that's retarded.

[1232] But that's the dumbest...

[1233] You already know he doesn't have an open mind.

[1234] Maybe it's not all bullshit.

[1235] That's someone who's never worked out.

[1236] You don't understand the benefits, the clarity.

[1237] But he's tall as fuck though, right?

[1238] He's a great guy.

[1239] I love that dude.

[1240] I had him on Fear Factor.

[1241] I had him on Fear Factor, or I had him on.

[1242] He was on with Teller, and I became buddies with him, became email buddies, came to the comedy store a few times, and I hung out with him and did his radio show a couple times too in those moon hoax debates, but he's a great guy.

[1243] Somebody asked me the other day who would win between you two in a fight, and I immediately said Eddie because I know he's tapped you.

[1244] Are you fucking 12 years old?

[1245] Who would win in a fight?

[1246] No, no, no, but this is kind of going along the bullshit MMA question.

[1247] Another thing what they're saying is if you do certain MMAs, it's not going to protect you.

[1248] If we did a straight jiu -jitsu match, he'd kick my ass.

[1249] He taps me all the time.

[1250] I never even come close to tapping him.

[1251] In a real fight, Joe would kick my ass.

[1252] See, that's what I said.

[1253] Originally, I said Eddie, but then I was like, wait, no, no, wait.

[1254] Joe could punch him.

[1255] My kickboxing is probably better than my jiu -jitsu.

[1256] I don't really do it anymore.

[1257] I did karate for a year.

[1258] Don't forget about that.

[1259] You always forget about that.

[1260] But if we were the same size, too, I'm like 30 pounds heavier than I'm almost.

[1261] If we were the same size.

[1262] Look at this shit.

[1263] It's getting swole.

[1264] Yeah, so anyway, so that is a thing, though.

[1265] Like, if you're in a bar fight and, you know, jiu -jitsu is two people that come out here.

[1266] Man, 90 % of bar fights is who hits who first.

[1267] That's 90%.

[1268] You know, just 90 % of avoiding bar fights is don't go to shitty bars.

[1269] Don't hang out with douchebags.

[1270] Get away when you see things are going bad.

[1271] Right.

[1272] When people start acting douchey, you see it coming.

[1273] It's in the air.

[1274] You smell it.

[1275] Defensive driving.

[1276] Be nice to people.

[1277] Be careful.

[1278] You see creeps.

[1279] Stay away.

[1280] There's nothing worse than drunk motherfucking dudes who've been rejected all night at the club.

[1281] Yeah.

[1282] Some guys get drunk and they just be...

[1283] I'm so aggro, man. Because chicks just rejected them all night.

[1284] And then they see you with your girl, and there's like three of them, and they just can't fucking, they can't help themselves.

[1285] And they can't help being disrespectful, too.

[1286] It's all so unnecessary, man. It's so fucking hard for people to get their shit together.

[1287] So hard.

[1288] There's so many dickheads out there.

[1289] The bottom line is that what we're saying about martial arts, it's not even about learning how to fight.

[1290] You're rarely going to use that.

[1291] If it was just about learning how to fight, man, how often does it even come up?

[1292] You're just preparing for something that probably, if you're a smart person, will never happen to you in your life.

[1293] You get a shitload of benefits from it.

[1294] It's like when you play chess, you don't just play chess to learn how to...

[1295] finish this one game and win.

[1296] You play chess to learn the strategy and to become involved in long -term planning out of any sort of a situation.

[1297] You can apply chess to your life.

[1298] And the same thing as jiu -jitsu.

[1299] Same thing as any kind of martial art. You get better at anything that's really difficult and it makes you better at everything else you do as well.

[1300] Like jumping.

[1301] Don't you think your jiu -jitsu helps your music and your music helps your jiu -jitsu?

[1302] Let's talk about your seminars.

[1303] Before you answer that question, where are they?

[1304] Okay, I got a couple seminars coming up.

[1305] I got Omaha, Nebraska, 10th Planet Omaha, not this Saturday, but next Saturday.

[1306] And then I'm going to be at the very next Saturday, July 31st.

[1307] I'll be at the future home of 10th Planet Charlotte.

[1308] For all the information, just go to 10thPlanetJJ .com.

[1309] And that's where they can order all your DVDs and books.

[1310] Yeah, you go to 10thPlanetJJ .com.

[1311] Go on the forum, the Nibiru forum, and all of the information.

[1312] Just look for the...

[1313] Charlotte or the Omaha seminar and there'll be a flyer up and you're all good.

[1314] Now, don't you think that jujitsu helps your music and music helps with jujitsu?

[1315] Don't you think that anytime you get great at anything in your life that enhances all the other things in your life?

[1316] Yes, definitely.

[1317] But with jujitsu, you see constantly with jujitsu, you see yourself...

[1318] um as a total retard with a certain move and then you see yourself practice and get good and then you master it you constantly see that with all these different moves jujitsu is so gigantic there's a million different you need three lifetimes to master the whole game of jujitsu i mean i've been doing jujitsu 16 years i got a lot of holes in my game but i'm good at the stuff that i focused on and the stuff I focused on and put the numbers in the reps you see that constantly so you see that our bodies are magical we have two people inside of us the conscious person and the unconscious person and you want to train the conscious person so much that that unconscious person, the other dude, you've done it so much that he's going to do it all, then you become the executive producer.

[1319] You know, like when someone's shredding on piano, they're not calling out the commands like this key, that key, that key.

[1320] They did that in the beginning, but after a while, it's like you're executive producing.

[1321] You have a song in your head, you look down, you look in a certain area, and bam, that person inside of you does it like magic.

[1322] So once you see it in jujitsu over and over, you realize that our bodies are magical.

[1323] They'll work not just for jujitsu, but for anything.

[1324] decided to play tennis, guess what?

[1325] The longer you play tennis, the longer you put the hours in it, the better you get at it.

[1326] Most people don't see that.

[1327] Most people don't have any confidence in themselves whatsoever with anything.

[1328] They think they can't do that.

[1329] They think that'll never happen.

[1330] You can actually do anything.

[1331] You really can.

[1332] You'll get good at anything if you focus on it.

[1333] You put the numbers.

[1334] You put the reps. That's what it's all about.

[1335] The only thing that's different between me and a white belt in jujitsu is the number of reps that I've put in with a...

[1336] my certain style.

[1337] And, you know, in jujitsu, you realize that and it brings your whole other life up because in other aspects of your life, your day job or your long -term goal, your dream, you'll realize, damn, all I got to do is put the numbers in whatever, directing, acting.

[1338] It definitely, jujitsu definitely shows you in any martial art, any difficult endeavor shows you what you're...

[1339] your potential is and how you can, you know, expand your potential as a human being.

[1340] But what it doesn't give you is creativity.

[1341] Creativity is a totally different thing that's attached to.

[1342] to ambition and to focus and intensity.

[1343] There's something about creativity that comes from a very pure place.

[1344] And you could be a hard worker all you want, but you might not necessarily be able to tap into the well of creativity.

[1345] You know what I'm talking about?

[1346] For sure.

[1347] You've got to be born with it.

[1348] But you're pretty creative with your moves in jiu -jitsu.

[1349] So wouldn't there be that creativity?

[1350] Oh, sure.

[1351] Jiu -jitsu is an art. Jiu -jitsu is an art. I mean, martial arts are arts.

[1352] Muay Thai is an art. There's an art, too.

[1353] Whenever I say, like I'm doing commentary, and I'll say, look at this beautiful combination.

[1354] It is beautiful to me. I'm not just saying it.

[1355] That's an art form.

[1356] To me, that's a painting.

[1357] That's an incredible dance.

[1358] That's a work, a masterpiece.

[1359] My favorite is when Anderson Silva finished off Rich Franklin in the second fight.

[1360] There's a fucking combination where nine out of ten shots land, and he's landing punches and knees to the body, and he's mixing them up, poetry it's ballet you know that's an artist doing that man jujitsu is even more creative than that because there's so many more moves with kickboxing you know and any wrestling whatever there's you know there's takedowns and there's controls and there's a lot of different reversals and stuff like that but with jujitsu that just the the path to the submissions the tree has so many branches and there's so many different ways to approach each aspect of the game from the bottom from the top there's so many different sweeps and reversals and so many different half techniques and full guard techniques it's impossible to come to an end you know it's it's out of control and my jujitsu and my music it's they're so parallel in so many ways it's like in jujitsu i am not an athlete i am not explosive i am not powerful i can't run fast i can't jump high i am not an athlete never was even when i wrestled in high school for a couple years i got away on tricks That's, I had to think my way past the athletes and just to be able to hang with like the real serious athletes.

[1361] I'm not an athlete.

[1362] Same thing with my music.

[1363] I am not a virtuoso at any instrument.

[1364] I don't shred on anything.

[1365] I just put it all together, you know, and it's a strange parallel that, you know.

[1366] But it's creativity because your jujitsu is a very creative jujitsu, too.

[1367] The most creative, in my opinion.

[1368] And, you know, we're friends, and I'm not supposed to say that because it sounds like it's bullshit.

[1369] But it is.

[1370] If I was just a jujitsu analyst, I would say, well, here's a guy who's, I mean, there's a lot of creative guys.

[1371] You know, Shambri's creative.

[1372] You know, so many different guys are creative.

[1373] But as far as, like, putting it together in a system of all these weird different positions and 90 % of them you've invented and the ones you haven't, you know, you credit all the different individuals that contributed to whatever move.

[1374] That's an unusual thing.

[1375] thing man that's an incredibly prolific uh career of just creating jujitsu and and putting it down i mean very few human beings have ever done that thank you look at your system you look at your system i mean and and all the different techniques that you've added to you know to the whole nogi game it's a lot of goddamn techniques you know what my i think my strongest point is that i don't like being raised with just you know the Terrible household.

[1376] I mean with my stepdad and my real dad and no one caring and then constantly watching TV with sitcoms where everything is just perfect I just never believed anything.

[1377] I thought everyone was bullshitting me. So the same thing, when I came into martial arts, I'm not loyal to any martial art. I don't care.

[1378] And growing up, listening to Bruce Lee and listening to what he had to say about opening your mind and don't follow one style, I was really influenced by Bruce Lee.

[1379] And he was right to me because my family was just not, it was not growing pains.

[1380] My family was not the Brady Bunch.

[1381] It was terrible.

[1382] I just questioned everything.

[1383] So as soon as karate, karate seemed good.

[1384] I started with karate.

[1385] As soon as that didn't pan out, and I saw jiu -jitsu, I was gone.

[1386] I didn't give a shit about karate.

[1387] I went to jiu -jitsu, and as soon as I saw that jiu -jitsu started becoming what they were claiming the traditional martial arts were becoming, Brazilian Jiu -Jitsu became closed -minded, and I was like, I'm not going to keep following that.

[1388] In some circles.

[1389] Yes, yes.

[1390] Yeah, exactly, exactly.

[1391] Some guys are a lot really open -minded.

[1392] Yeah, generally, generally, 99 % of the Brazilian Jiu -Jitsu community thinks 10th Planet Jiu -Jitsu is mythical, generally.

[1393] But there are some people, you know, not everybody.

[1394] Does that frustrate the shit out of you or what?

[1395] What does that feel like when you've got all these guys, Vinny Magalese, all these high -level guys, George Sauteropoulos, they go fucking crazy for it, and they totally, fully believe in the system.

[1396] But then you've got other guys that are saying, oh, you didn't invent that, or we've been doing that.

[1397] What do you think about that?

[1398] I love it, man. I love the stronger the resistance, the longer it takes for 10th Planet to become...

[1399] not mythical, the longer it takes, the better.

[1400] It's just going to be sweeter at the end.

[1401] I love it.

[1402] If there was no resistance to my philosophies, and let's say in 2003, when I decided not to teach with a gi, I decided to open up a school, no gi.

[1403] And let's say Helio Gracie back then and Carlinhos.

[1404] If they said, you know what?

[1405] This American is making a point.

[1406] The reason why jiu -jitsu isn't doing that good in MMA anymore is the gi.

[1407] All right, everybody is ordered to start teaching without the gi.

[1408] If they just all jumped on with me, because I was doing this for jiu -jitsu.

[1409] I wasn't doing it to battle against Brazilian jiu -jitsu.

[1410] I was doing it for jiu -jitsu.

[1411] I'm like, MMA, the wrestling.

[1412] Well, you're doing it because that's what you believe.

[1413] I mean, you're doing it because you think it's the right word.

[1414] Jiu -jitsu is in my heart.

[1415] I was doing it for Jiu Jitsu.

[1416] I was like, let's bring Jiu Jitsu back in MMA.

[1417] We got to get rid of the Gi.

[1418] If everyone would have agreed with me back then, first of all, the state of no Gi Jiu Jitsu would be out of this world.

[1419] It would be crazy.

[1420] Crazy if everybody joined in and just not me and my association.

[1421] If we all just agreed.

[1422] And, you know, there would be, you know, 500 guys just like me. A lot of people listening to this podcast have no fucking idea what we're talking about.

[1423] So let me just explain.

[1424] There's a whole different, two different types of jiu -jitsu.

[1425] There's jiu -jitsu with a kimono or a gi.

[1426] You know, it's like that karate uniform on.

[1427] And a lot of guys do that.

[1428] And there's jiu -jitsu that you use no gi.

[1429] And there's a big thing called the Abu Dhabi World Championships.

[1430] And that's where all the best no gi.

[1431] guys in the world fight.

[1432] And the no -gi style is what you're going to see in MMA because when you see guys use a gi all the time, they're grabbing the gi and they get used to controlling their opponent with the gi.

[1433] Then when they have to fight into the octagon, they have no gi to hold on to and a lot of them look lost.

[1434] And that's responsible for a lot of the early UFC fights having really good jiu -jitsu guys, but they couldn't do shit when they fell to their back.

[1435] They couldn't do anything in certain positions.

[1436] They were used to handles.

[1437] Yeah, they were used to handles.

[1438] Now, Eddie devised a whole system.

[1439] entirely based on no gi he abandoned the gi and when he started teaching he just went total like mma style does he give you all the gis that he's abandoned because you have a whole closet full of them right there buy them bitches they stink if you wear them 500 gis in that i don't even wear the gi anymore What was the question we were talking about?

[1440] We were just talking about jiu -jitsu being frustrated that you don't get the credit that you deserve.

[1441] I like it, man. I love it.

[1442] I love what's going on right now, man. Well, you know what?

[1443] Why even worry about that, right?

[1444] Just concentrate on doing the good stuff.

[1445] I love every day, man. I realize, and it would, if I didn't really think about it, like maybe five, six years ago, it did bother me. It did bother me that, you know, when I decided to...

[1446] open up a school without a gi for jujitsu, the people that I was doing it for, they turned their back on me and they made me out to be like this traitor.

[1447] It's interesting.

[1448] I'm a traitor.

[1449] I'm like, no, I'm doing this for us, man. It's interesting when we're talking about how growing up in a shitty household, that when you have this fucked up family life and then you see bullshit on television, how it makes you question everything.

[1450] You're forced to question everything.

[1451] I had the exact same experience.

[1452] My life was not nearly as shitty as yours, but there was a lot of problems.

[1453] One, my dad was super violent, used to beat my mom, and I saw it when I was a young kid.

[1454] I saw it when I was like five.

[1455] And I'll never forget that shit.

[1456] I'll never forget things.

[1457] thinking that my dad was like my hero.

[1458] I thought, you know, my dad was like this cool guy.

[1459] And I saw my dad smack my mother in the face over nothing and dropped her right in the kitchen floor.

[1460] And I went running into the room to hide.

[1461] And I'll never forget thinking at that moment in time, I can't trust anybody.

[1462] They might all be fucking crazy.

[1463] Everybody's wrong.

[1464] I knew there was no reason.

[1465] This is what my mom went to do.

[1466] go get something for dinner, and she came back home with hamburger, and that's why he hit her.

[1467] He was like, hamburger?

[1468] And he fucking smacked her in the face.

[1469] And so from that moment on, like literally, I've questioned everything.

[1470] That's what made me become a stand -up comedian.

[1471] You know, people say, oh, were you a class clown?

[1472] I mean, I said funny shit every now and then in class, but what I really was was a class questioner.

[1473] I was the class guy.

[1474] The guy would go, why are you even saying that?

[1475] That doesn't make any sense.

[1476] What about this?

[1477] I was the guy who would get in trouble for asking questions.

[1478] Oh, that was me too, man. It all depended on the teacher.

[1479] If the teacher was weak and she had a big heart, I crushed.

[1480] I was the loudest, always causing disruptions.

[1481] But if Mr. Enders, he didn't give a fuck.

[1482] So I was quiet as hell.

[1483] I remember this girl told me, you're so quiet in here, but in Miss Aspen's class, you're out of control.

[1484] I gave two teachers a nervous breakdown, Miss Franklin in the 8th grade, and in the 10th grade, Miss Aspen.

[1485] Are you proud of that?

[1486] Well, I was proud of it back then.

[1487] I wouldn't be proud of it now if I, like, you know, got on a time machine and I went back.

[1488] I would feel really bad.

[1489] But it happened so long ago that I think she might be all right.

[1490] I got kicked out of school for drawing cartoons of teachers.

[1491] I would draw cartoons of teachers fucking.

[1492] And, like, they really looked like them, you know.

[1493] And I drew this one Spanish teacher.

[1494] I had her without her makeup.

[1495] She'd wear a ton of makeup.

[1496] So I drew with her makeup and then I drew one without her makeup.

[1497] And I got expelled or got suspended, rather.

[1498] I got kicked out of school.

[1499] I remember like real clearly, though, like the first laugh I ever got was like the first time I was like, wow, that was kind of cool.

[1500] I was in a math class where a teacher was upset at me. This teacher, she had this really strong urban accent, quote unquote.

[1501] And she was this math teacher.

[1502] And she was like really just like.

[1503] just aggressively cunty.

[1504] I just didn't like her.

[1505] I didn't like her class.

[1506] And I was talking, apparently.

[1507] And she goes, Mr. Rogan, since you know everything, would you like to come up here and do both of these problems for this class?

[1508] So I go, Would you like me to do both of them problems?

[1509] And the whole place fell the fuck out.

[1510] Like dudes just started laughing and slapping tables.

[1511] And she goes, go ahead, laugh at Mr. Rogan.

[1512] Mr. Rogan is going nowhere in life.

[1513] And she suspended me. She sent me to the dean's office and they suspended me. For fucking just...

[1514] I mean, come on, man. You're teaching math.

[1515] You don't even know how to talk English.

[1516] This is nonsense.

[1517] This is a dumb conversation.

[1518] I would shoot spit wads in Miss Franklin's hair.

[1519] She had a big bouffant hairdo, and we would shoot spit wads.

[1520] We would do some terrible stuff.

[1521] I was terrible when I was bored.

[1522] When I was bored, I just did not want to pay attention.

[1523] I didn't give a fuck.

[1524] I wouldn't fuck around in guys' classes, though.

[1525] I was a quiet motherfucker.

[1526] I'm like, I'm not.

[1527] But Mr. Reed, my sixth -grade algebra teacher, Mr. fucking Reed, it was me, Bobby Joyce, and this Cambodian.

[1528] chick named Pua Mua, right?

[1529] Pua Mua.

[1530] If we laughed, he would get really mad, so it was hard.

[1531] Me and Bobby Joyce would go, uh, Bobby Joyce.

[1532] And go, here?

[1533] Uh, Edgar Bravo?

[1534] Okay.

[1535] uh, Pua Mua.

[1536] And we would say Pua Mua in that black voice, dude.

[1537] It was hard to contain.

[1538] I'll never forget Pua Mua.

[1539] There's something about schools, man, where you really, it's not just learning shit.

[1540] You're going in there in this intense environment, and it's like preparing you for work.

[1541] You know, you're getting prepared for, like, intense social environments, doing shit you don't want to do around a bunch of people you don't want to be around, forced into a room together.

[1542] It's incredible that we put so little effort into making sure teachers are good.

[1543] I mean, it's really amazing.

[1544] They should get paid about the same as doctors of some sort, at least family doctors.

[1545] Everybody agrees to that.

[1546] Everybody, but nothing's happening.

[1547] No one's doing anything about it.

[1548] Everybody agrees on it.

[1549] You know what would be cool?

[1550] Why?

[1551] Is make pot legal and have like 10 % of pot go to pay teachers.

[1552] How about that?

[1553] Or they should just charge money for school.

[1554] That's what I think.

[1555] Nobody would go to school.

[1556] People can't afford that, man. People are barely getting by, especially people with kids.

[1557] They're barely getting by.

[1558] You can't make them pay for school.

[1559] It's just incredible that we have all this money for fucking relief to Israel and all this money for the Afghan war and the Iraqi war.

[1560] We got all this money, but we don't have enough money for fucking teachers.

[1561] That's incredible that we care so much about our future that we want to deal with the problems that we have right now and spend every fucking dollar we have throwing money at it, but we don't want to look at the foundation.

[1562] of what causes fucking problems in our own country, what causes so much crime, what causes so much civil disarrest, so many retards, so many dummies.

[1563] Schools should have some kind of profit, though.

[1564] They should do some kind of advertising, have banner ads.

[1565] They need to update the school system, probably, like overhaul and change something.

[1566] Isn't it weird that it's free, though?

[1567] Isn't it weird that it's actually free?

[1568] No, it's not weird because you're paying taxes for it, man. What if there was reality shows based on third graders?

[1569] You know, man, we need...

[1570] to be fun for kids.

[1571] That's where kids learn.

[1572] Kids learn when it's fun.

[1573] Everything is not supposed to be boring.

[1574] Everything is not supposed to suck.

[1575] That's not natural.

[1576] And the reason why kids hate it is because it feels like shit.

[1577] It's not fun.

[1578] There's got to be a way to make...

[1579] Becoming enlightened, becoming educated, having your life enriched with new information.

[1580] That should be fun for kids and positive.

[1581] The fact that we set them up with fucking shitty teachers and shitty schools and undermotivated people that can't control people like Eddie in their class.

[1582] Just old ladies.

[1583] I'll kill an old lady.

[1584] I didn't fuck with dudes.

[1585] I had this one dude, Mr. White.

[1586] Mr. White was a Vietnam vet and always wanted to tell us about it.

[1587] Always wanted to tell us about Vietnam.

[1588] would always snap like if you ask for a pencil one time we asked for a pencil some dude asked for a pencil mr white pulls out his desk drawer throws it across the floor filled with pencils and shit hurls this shit he goes go get a pencil go pick up a pencil and the kid got up grabbed a pencil went back and sit down nobody said a fucking word for the rest of class we're like this dude just threw a drawer filled with pencils Are you allowed to do that today?

[1589] That guy would probably be in jail.

[1590] Well, I used to have a teacher.

[1591] I would always sleep in class.

[1592] And he would come and full -on soccer kick the bottom of the table.

[1593] So you'd be like, bam!

[1594] It would wake you up and scare the fuck out of you at the same time.

[1595] It was the worst.

[1596] And it fucking hurt.

[1597] It was like that much desk in between him kicking me in the fucking head.

[1598] How rude.

[1599] What a rude man. Mr. Allen, Jason Allen's dad, wrestler.

[1600] When a spitwad lady...

[1601] She had a nervous breakdown.

[1602] We brought in a substitute teacher.

[1603] Big buff dude.

[1604] He was going to come in and he heard about me. I wasn't going to fuck with him, but I still make the class laugh.

[1605] He would actually make me stand in a corner.

[1606] I wouldn't do anything.

[1607] I would just stand in there and people were laughing because of my face.

[1608] Wait a minute.

[1609] He made you stand in a corner, but you didn't do anything to be made to stand in a corner?

[1610] Little things with my face.

[1611] How did you get stuck in the corner?

[1612] I don't remember, but I do remember being in the corner and just like really being into the wall.

[1613] Like I was staring at the wall and people were still laughing and that guy said, fuck this class because he couldn't really do anything to me because I wasn't saying anything.

[1614] I was just standing and everybody was watching me. So no matter what I did, he just went insane too.

[1615] Wow.

[1616] What a nightmare.

[1617] Yeah, yeah.

[1618] It was crazy, man. And you got a lot of pleasure out of that, right?

[1619] I loved it.

[1620] I loved it.

[1621] I loved it, man. We would turn off the lights.

[1622] She would have the crazy thing.

[1623] How come you never became a comedian?

[1624] Well, I did do it a little bit.

[1625] You tried it nine times.

[1626] How come you didn't keep going?

[1627] Because I realized that just like jujitsu, just like surfing, just like mountain biking, that if you want to get really good at it, you have to spend a lot of time crafting it and putting together a 10 -minute set, a 15 -minute set.

[1628] And then I realized, wow.

[1629] This isn't something you can just get up on stage and you're a bad motherfucker.

[1630] You have to carefully craft it, practice it, go up, do all these open mics.

[1631] It's an art. And I realized, man, I don't have time for another art. I would like to learn how to surf.

[1632] I don't have time for it.

[1633] I would like to learn how to motocross, like with the motorcycles and jumping dirt things and all that shit.

[1634] I would love that, but there's not enough time in the day yet.

[1635] So I decided, you know what?

[1636] The best move is to...

[1637] Just fucking focus on jujitsu and music, and that's it, man. I can't be spreading myself thin.

[1638] Todd White told me that.

[1639] He goes, dude, you're spreading yourself thin, dude.

[1640] That's not good.

[1641] Focus.

[1642] And I'm like, you know what?

[1643] And plus, it sucked big, gigantic donkey balls, buffalo balls, to bomb on stage.

[1644] At least half the time, I bombed.

[1645] I was just too nervous, man. I was just super nervous.

[1646] I went up there, and it was just death.

[1647] I'll never forget the worst time I bombed, I came off.

[1648] And Joe, because I was Joe's project.

[1649] And Joe had shit writing on me because he was having me cut in line at Sunday night, open mic night, when there's like 50 people waiting in line all day.

[1650] Joe would just say, put them on right before me. I would cut in and the comedians would go, that's fucking bullshit.

[1651] But Joe was running the comedy store.

[1652] So they would just put me in.

[1653] No experience ever.

[1654] I'd go on stage.

[1655] And a couple of times I did all right.

[1656] And Joe came out and goes, all right, dude, that was pretty good, dude.

[1657] That was pretty good.

[1658] I like what you said about that.

[1659] I like what you said about that.

[1660] Now let's do this.

[1661] Now cut that out.

[1662] Edit this out.

[1663] The worst bombing.

[1664] I came out.

[1665] Joe said, all right, come here, follow me. So he takes her to the fucking back.

[1666] And I could see him thinking, how are we going to do this?

[1667] Because it was like he had a safe face, too.

[1668] It was for him.

[1669] And it was really bad.

[1670] It was like the stripper.

[1671] I didn't even tell jokes.

[1672] I just went on stage.

[1673] I was just obsessed.

[1674] Like I had a girlfriend.

[1675] No, you had some bits.

[1676] You had some bits.

[1677] The two that did the best was when I talked about when I had sex with one girl in a rag in the total darkness.

[1678] And when I turned on the light, it was just blood everywhere.

[1679] That was all right.

[1680] People were kind of into that a little bit.

[1681] And then the other one was about my dad.

[1682] The very first time I went up, that's what gave me the confidence.

[1683] First time I went up, I talked about my dad and what a dick he was or something.

[1684] And I got a couple laughs and I was like, damn, oh my God, I think I could do this.

[1685] Oh shit, I think I could do this.

[1686] Fuck.

[1687] That comedy store open mic night, there's an air of sad and pathetic.

[1688] There's like a vibe in the air that's very difficult to cut through.

[1689] And especially during those open mic night sets, it's like you don't even really know what comedy is when you're doing those because you're doing them for these weird crowds that have only seen people eat shit for fucking the last hour and a half.

[1690] They haven't seen anybody any good.

[1691] Yeah.

[1692] I mean, that's how it is in the beginning.

[1693] Open mic nights, they're terrible.

[1694] I was terrible in the beginning.

[1695] Everyone's terrible in the beginning.

[1696] And you're going, you know, there's five, six, seven terrible people in a row.

[1697] It's weird.

[1698] Those kind of shows are so weird.

[1699] I had to make a choice, man. That was the last time I was on stage was the Comedy Store Sunday night.

[1700] I don't know.

[1701] After I got off, I was like, you know what?

[1702] Like you said, I need to put way more energy into this, and I'm not spending three hours that night at the Comedy Store.

[1703] Otherwise, it's not going to be fun.

[1704] You have to.

[1705] Well, I think it's one of those things that it has to be a big focus in your life.

[1706] I mean, even when I've put it on the side, even while I've been doing it for so long, like when I was doing news radio for a long time, I was not writing anything.

[1707] new i was not putting much effort into comedy at all i wasn't excited about it i was like all of a sudden i was on this tv show and i was like you know i'm going wow i guess i'm doing tv shows now you know and i'm just still going to kind of do stand up just to keep it you know that's my base that's where i started but i wasn't passionate about it so for like A good solid two years.

[1708] I just didn't write much.

[1709] I went on stage.

[1710] And then I bombed a couple times, man. And I had some people come to see me. And I had a bad set.

[1711] And I realized, I'm like, I am not putting a lot of effort into this.

[1712] This is some weird shit where I'm doing comedy recreationally every now and then.

[1713] But I'm known as a comedian.

[1714] So I'm going up.

[1715] And I'm not having good sets.

[1716] They're not tight.

[1717] And so I totally rededicated it.

[1718] This was right before my first album in 1999.

[1719] In 96, 97, I had some.

[1720] I had some, those are the years, like 96, 97, where I was barely doing comedy.

[1721] I'd go up, I'd do a set every now and then, but I didn't give a shit about it.

[1722] It's not even that I didn't give a shit about it.

[1723] I was just so caught up with the fact that I was on a television show, and that's where all my effort was going to.

[1724] What was one of the first jokes you remember?

[1725] The oldest one, bad or good?

[1726] Oh, they were all terrible.

[1727] Come on.

[1728] I remember one.

[1729] I remember a bad one about, this is my impression of a good -looking girl getting pulled over by a cop.

[1730] Do you realize how fast you were going?

[1731] No, do you like my tits?

[1732] Yes, I do.

[1733] Here's a warning.

[1734] Oh, damn.

[1735] Wow.

[1736] Oh, I like the ending.

[1737] Yeah.

[1738] Yes, I do.

[1739] Here's a warning.

[1740] That was one of my earliest bits.

[1741] Oh, shit.

[1742] One of my other earliest bits was Julia Child getting eaten out by a raccoon.

[1743] Oh, yeah.

[1744] That was like open mic day two.

[1745] Oh, shit.

[1746] Oh, that was a lovely, lovely little friend.

[1747] Oh.

[1748] It's so stupid.

[1749] I love that.

[1750] It's so dumb.

[1751] I mean, it's just silly.

[1752] This is the shit that I would think was funny when I was 21.

[1753] This is where it all came from.

[1754] And you know what's funny, too, is another major factor.

[1755] It was always running through my head.

[1756] I was like, how can I ever be as good as Joe?

[1757] We were talking about, we had the same.

[1758] If I put some time into it, we would end up being kind of like the, we'd talk about the same things.

[1759] And you were just so good.

[1760] You still are.

[1761] I mean, you're fucking amazing.

[1762] It was just like, how the fuck could I ever get that good?

[1763] I just got to focus on it.

[1764] No, you could have done it.

[1765] Anybody can do it.

[1766] If you're funny, if you're good at comedy, and you're objective.

[1767] And you have a lot of time.

[1768] And you have to be objective, and you have to just focus on it.

[1769] Just make it something that you concentrate on.

[1770] You know, what helps me the most is listening to myself and listening to tapes and evaluating.

[1771] So important.

[1772] All that stuff's so important.

[1773] You could do it.

[1774] Anybody could do it.

[1775] All you have to do is just...

[1776] Just do it.

[1777] It's just like jujitsu.

[1778] All you have to do is just put the energy into it, put the effort into it.

[1779] You'd figure it out.

[1780] And not having a girlfriend or boyfriend.

[1781] A boyfriend?

[1782] Meaning if you're a girl.

[1783] If you're a girl.

[1784] There's a girl here.

[1785] No, if you're talking about comics.

[1786] We're all men here, son.

[1787] You're talking about comics, son.

[1788] I don't necessarily think that's true.

[1789] I think everybody's got their own different situation.

[1790] And sometimes it's good to have a girlfriend because then you feel like you have comfort.

[1791] I know a lot of dudes who, the world of stand -up comedy, it's fucking scary to them.

[1792] You're out there on your own trying to make it.

[1793] Having someone that you live with that supports you to a lot of people that gives them energy and strength.

[1794] So a lot of people, they do way better having a girlfriend or being married.

[1795] Everybody's got their own thing.

[1796] But if you have a girlfriend, she's got to be understanding that you spend all this time at the clubs.

[1797] You have to be constantly working.

[1798] Almost every night you have to be out doing it, especially in the beginning.

[1799] That would kill the relationship.

[1800] Kills your social life.

[1801] But then that's material right there.

[1802] Kills your social life, but then your social life becomes like the comedy club world, which is when dudes start cannibalizing.

[1803] It's what I call cannibalizing is when a male comedian starts dating a female comedian.

[1804] They become cannibals, start eating their own.

[1805] As soon as you start doing that, you're fucked.

[1806] How many guys have pulled that off?

[1807] There's like three.

[1808] Tommy Segura and his wife are both hilarious and cool.

[1809] That one works.

[1810] But other than that, that shit don't work, son.

[1811] My friend was telling me about when he broke up with his girlfriend that she's on a TV show, like a popular TV show, and that one day he was feeling so down and he comes to his apartment and his neighbor's watching 24.

[1812] Don't say the name of the show.

[1813] There's a lot of girls.

[1814] There's only two girls on that whole show.

[1815] guessing game now but like how like they had their windows open and he was just like walking up to his door and suddenly he heard his voice or whatever like voice just haunting him ever there's billboards when he's driving around and it was like that kind of sucks living in the city to the to one point like i only want to date gaffers and key grips now you know because i i don't want to like date an actress and have her make it big and then have her fucking everywhere i go i go you know i'm already having problems on like that being at the airport right now you know and seeing whoa look who look who it is lindsey You know what I'm talking about.

[1816] How high is this motherfucker?

[1817] He's just...

[1818] I see where you...

[1819] You see what I'm saying there?

[1820] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1821] You definitely don't want to see your exes.

[1822] You date Angelina Jolie, and then she breaks up with you, and then she's on the cover of People magazine fucking some new dude.

[1823] You're like, whoa.

[1824] That shit's at the airport.

[1825] That shit's rough.

[1826] Yeah, yeah, no. Key grips.

[1827] I just think that one of the reasons why I think comics should not date comics, why I call it cannibalism, is because they're too much like you.

[1828] I don't think that's how a relationship works out well.

[1829] I think relationships work out well when you're different.

[1830] When you're different, you enjoy each other's company, but you're different.

[1831] two totally different things when you're both trying to make it as a comic man fucking good luck good luck with the balance of neediness there you know and i'm not saying i'm a picnic i'm not saying any comics a picnic i'm saying a comic and a comic together that's like two magnets I mean, maybe it'll work.

[1832] I would never say it wouldn't work.

[1833] Your situation could be totally different than mine.

[1834] Especially when you're a comic, though, and you're in the L .A. comic scene.

[1835] It's pretty tight.

[1836] So when you break up, you're fucking in shows with your ex.

[1837] Well, that's our problem with our friends.

[1838] We have two friends, and one friend broke up with his girl, or should I say the girl broke up with him, and he was very upset by this.

[1839] It was a devastating breakup.

[1840] And right afterwards...

[1841] our friend, a very good friend, starts dating this chick.

[1842] Yeah.

[1843] And it got really creepy.

[1844] But ask permission first.

[1845] He got permission to fuck her, which I think is the most hilarious thing ever.

[1846] Fuck her, just don't date her.

[1847] Like, you can't say that.

[1848] First of all, I don't think you can tell anybody what to do.

[1849] I mean, the guy chose his own medicine.

[1850] And so, you know, and for the guy, the guy who wound up dating this girl, who was his friend's ex -girlfriend, you know, for him, it's like, well, here's this perfect person for me and what I'm supposed to...

[1851] you know, I'm supposed to let this go just because some other asshole can't get over the fact that, you know, come on, man, get over it, dude.

[1852] You and her didn't have a thing together, but I'm in love with her.

[1853] I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with her.

[1854] Now I can't because you got hurt feelings.

[1855] Fuck you.

[1856] So I could see his point of view too, but not me. I could never do it.

[1857] I wouldn't know.

[1858] That's to me that, that there's other women out there.

[1859] I don't care how close she is.

[1860] You got to respect.

[1861] the feelings.

[1862] You want to hurt your fucking friend?

[1863] You want to hurt your friend over some pussy.

[1864] They were good friends, too.

[1865] I look at every girl that used to date one of my friends as a guy.

[1866] You only rape them.

[1867] That's it.

[1868] You rape them, no relationships.

[1869] It could only be a one -night stand.

[1870] Only in the butt.

[1871] No, you've got to say that's off limits forever.

[1872] There's a lot of human beings in this life.

[1873] You don't want to make someone upset for no reason like that.

[1874] You could avoid that shit.

[1875] The problem is people can decide that this is the one, he's the one, especially if they can't have you.

[1876] Bitches, man. Bitches.

[1877] Do you think celebrity marriages end up in divorce at the same rate as just regular marriages?

[1878] No, I bet way more.

[1879] Way more.

[1880] Do you think so?

[1881] Oh, fuck yeah.

[1882] People in the city, period.

[1883] Google that shit, son.

[1884] Let's find out.

[1885] But I would say, yeah, for sure.

[1886] Those crazy assholes.

[1887] How many Mel Gibsons out there can keep a fucking marriage together?

[1888] How did Mel Gibson's wife stay with his ass for so long?

[1889] That's what I want to know, man. Hollywood marriages.

[1890] Money.

[1891] Is that what it is?

[1892] And he's Mel Gibson, man. How do you break up with Braveheart?

[1893] You know what I mean?

[1894] He's worth a billion dollars.

[1895] Butthole.

[1896] Crazy as fuck.

[1897] Yeah, whatever.

[1898] What are you finding?

[1899] It just says, duh, duh.

[1900] No, just kidding.

[1901] No, it doesn't.

[1902] I haven't found it.

[1903] That's kind of a hard, like, how can you even judge?

[1904] I mean, it just said bright percentage of celebrities break up as opposed to percentage of civilians.

[1905] Percentages.

[1906] Civilians.

[1907] But isn't it weird how, like, the most, the biggest players of all end up like rock stars and super actors and all that shit.

[1908] It's like they always end up marrying and settling down with another celebrity.

[1909] It's like the bitch has got to be a celebrity or it's not good enough, right?

[1910] Well, I think it's because, first of all, they get sucked up into that world where that's who you're hanging around with all the time.

[1911] And there's an extra charge.

[1912] If you're dating some chick and she's on the cover of Sports Illustrated, like, holy shit, there's like an extra.

[1913] jolt to that, that people find attractive, especially people who are in that whole celebrity world.

[1914] Especially guys that can get any normal non -celebrity chick and then like a celebrity chick.

[1915] It's the same thing with like, you know, hot chicks look at celebrity dudes way differently than just regular dudes.

[1916] That's for damn sure.

[1917] I mean...

[1918] Reuters is saying that 50%, while nearly 50 % of Hollywood marriage or regular marriages fail, that...

[1919] 70 % of Hollywood marriages.

[1920] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1921] The whole idea behind it is, look, all celebrity is is some crazy trick.

[1922] you are tricked into thinking that someone else is special, especially if it's celebrity, just for celebrity, just for the sake of celebrity.

[1923] I mean, like actors and stuff like that.

[1924] I mean, there's actors that you respect because they're talented, but it's not like, you know, like an author, you know, like there's a celebrity author, like someone whose work is like really profoundly affected you.

[1925] You know, there's something, there's some sort of a special connection to that.

[1926] Whereas like you, you have this love for this guy because of what he's produced.

[1927] Like, wow, you produce some amazing stuff.

[1928] But there's a lot of people that are famous just because they got on a show and then they're just reading someone's lines and they're in a movie and whatever.

[1929] That's a bizarre, bizarre life.

[1930] That life doesn't make any sense.

[1931] You're treated so much better than the average person.

[1932] Rose Garden.

[1933] Everybody fucking loves you.

[1934] No, Rosebud.

[1935] Rose.

[1936] Rosebud.

[1937] Bush.

[1938] Rosebud.

[1939] Am I going to bury you in the rose bush?

[1940] You talking about Orson Welles, Citizen Kane?

[1941] No, I'm talking about Mel Gibson, crazy fuck.

[1942] Oh, what did he say?

[1943] I'll bury you in the rose garden.

[1944] Is that what he said?

[1945] Yeah.

[1946] Yeah, but what I'm saying is that, you know, your whole psychology gets fucking mangled.

[1947] You know, you know it doesn't make any sense.

[1948] So the world doesn't make any sense.

[1949] You don't have the right, your character is wrong.

[1950] Your character as a human being is wrong because the amount of energy that you're getting for the amount of effort that you're putting out is all out of balance.

[1951] That's one of the reasons why celebrities go fucking crazy is because they think the world is crazy.

[1952] How could the world not be crazy if you're kissing my ass and I'm driving a Bentley and I'm making millions and people are screaming to see me everywhere I go.

[1953] They're taking photos of me. That's insane.

[1954] This world is crazy.

[1955] Of course you're going to become crazy too.

[1956] But the thing that happens that I notice is with artists especially, when they become super famous, there's a burst where they can hang in there for a bit.

[1957] They hang in there for a few years and keep producing, and then ultimately they just get soft and it dwindles off, almost like to a person.

[1958] Almost to a person, once their celebrity hits that super peak, they become big and famous, they can hang in there and produce for a few years, but then eventually their creativity just dries up.

[1959] I think their connection to the universe dries up.

[1960] That's what I think.

[1961] I think they lose appreciation for life.

[1962] They become a douchebag, and then they just don't have the connection anymore.

[1963] That's why all eyes are on the double rainbow guy right now.

[1964] In a couple months, he's going to be like, that fucking rainbow shit.

[1965] Load up double rainbow.

[1966] There's a clip that Jimmy Kimball twittered, and I watched it.

[1967] And it's this dude who's seen a rainbow.

[1968] He's an MMA guy.

[1969] There's two rainbows.

[1970] Yeah, he fought.

[1971] He had an MMA fight.

[1972] Everyone's seen that by now.

[1973] Big fat guy.

[1974] And he...

[1975] Everyone's seen what?

[1976] Double rainbow guy?

[1977] Oh, yeah.

[1978] That thing's huge.

[1979] Eddie hasn't seen it.

[1980] What?

[1981] I haven't heard of it.

[1982] Are you fucking serious?

[1983] Dude, you can't say everybody, man. It's only three million hits out of 300 million people in this country alone.

[1984] How many in Europe and how many in Asia?

[1985] Wow.

[1986] You can't say everybody.

[1987] Anyway, it's fascinating.

[1988] This guy just goes crazy when he sees these rainbows for whatever reason.

[1989] Don't do that.

[1990] That shit didn't work.

[1991] Oh, it was just that video.

[1992] Oh, was it?

[1993] Yeah.

[1994] Anyway, this double rainbow guy became famous.

[1995] Are we going to be able to see it on that?

[1996] No, it's on Brian's.

[1997] It'd be cool if Brian could play.

[1998] I think he can.

[1999] I just don't know how to do it.

[2000] Do you know how to drag that shit into Ustream, producer Brian?

[2001] Not on YouTube.

[2002] I think you actually have to have the video.

[2003] Oh, really?

[2004] Yeah.

[2005] All right, hold on here.

[2006] I thought it can show a web page that you're viewing.

[2007] All right, here we go.

[2008] Oh, my God.

[2009] Oh, my God.

[2010] He's just seeing a rainbow.

[2011] Oh, my God.

[2012] Look at that.

[2013] Well, he says it now, right?

[2014] It's starting to look like a triple rainbow.

[2015] Oh, my God.

[2016] It's full on double rainbow all the way across the sky.

[2017] Oh, my God.

[2018] Oh, my God.

[2019] He's crying here, by the way.

[2020] He says it knocked him over, knocked him down.

[2021] He goes, at one point, I started weeping.

[2022] The energy from the rainbow knocked him down.

[2023] What does this mean?

[2024] What does this mean?

[2025] Oh, my God.

[2026] What does it mean?

[2027] It means mushrooms work.

[2028] What does it mean?

[2029] It's so bright.

[2030] Oh, my God.

[2031] It's so bright and vivid.

[2032] In his defense, they are pretty awesome.

[2033] They're awesome.

[2034] Yeah.

[2035] It's probably the best rainbow I've ever seen.

[2036] I know, but this guy sounds like he's got up.

[2037] bag of leprechaun gold in his hand while Christy Brinkley's sucking his dick.

[2038] It just does not sound like just a rainbow.

[2039] There's a gigantic UFO like a hundred yards above the surface or something.

[2040] And they're communicating with him.

[2041] You know what's even better than that is all the music that has been coming out.

[2042] And I was talking to my friend the other day.

[2043] This song is so great that I would actually buy the single off of iTunes.

[2044] And that is from some dude looking at a rainbow.

[2045] Okay, explain what song you're talking about.

[2046] Okay, there's a couple of these songs that have come from this video.

[2047] They've made song parodies based on this video.

[2048] Right, and there's one that is so good that I would...

[2049] I mean, that's like...

[2050] Well, let's hear it.

[2051] I don't know which one this is.

[2052] Let's see what this one is.

[2053] Damn.

[2054] Well, there's Double Rainbow, dude.

[2055] It's on auto tune.

[2056] Oh, wow.

[2057] Oh, wow.

[2058] I like this.

[2059] Auto -tune rules.

[2060] Wow, this is good, man. It sounds like One Republic.

[2061] It's great.

[2062] And then there's actually another one that takes a whole different approach that's kind of like Tim and Eric style.

[2063] Let's hear it.

[2064] No, no, no. We don't want to hear more double rainbow songs.

[2065] Oh, is it kind of like scratching?

[2066] No, it's like double, double rainbow.

[2067] It's like a whole different song.

[2068] I think that's auto -tune.

[2069] You can't fuck with that.

[2070] That's the best.

[2071] Do you really like auto -tune songs, though?

[2072] That drives me nuts.

[2073] I do not want to hear that shit.

[2074] Only when brothers do it.

[2075] It's cool when brothers do it, but a white guy in a rock band can't do it.

[2076] And that's what I like about Biggie, Notorious B .I .G. It was all about the inflection, the way he would talk and rhyme and punctuate together.

[2077] But he never sang.

[2078] It doesn't matter.

[2079] He doesn't have to sing.

[2080] Even when they sing, if it's auto -tune, they're not really singing.

[2081] I like Lil Wayne's autotune stuff.

[2082] Do you?

[2083] Yeah, I like it.

[2084] I still like it.

[2085] White guys can't do it though.

[2086] It's definitely being overused, but I mean, there's a lot of music that uses it nowadays that, you know, most of the time I think it's okay and it sounds better than hearing Britney Spears going, you know, like without it, you know?

[2087] Is that what she sounds like?

[2088] Dude, look at that Double Rainbow guy sounded amazing.

[2089] Can you imagine what Britney Spears could sound like?

[2090] She's already using it, dude.

[2091] Yeah, you could put a lot of shit together with that for sure.

[2092] It just sounds gross to me. It's missing so much.

[2093] I've been really getting into the Black Keys lately.

[2094] You listen to the Black Keys at all?

[2095] Yeah, I downloaded all their albums.

[2096] God damn, they got some good fucking songs, man. I listened to them all the way to Ontario Improv every night this weekend when I was doing shows there.

[2097] Every time I drove up there, I listened to the Black Keys.

[2098] Oh, this weekend I'm at, before I forget, because I forgot to say at the beginning of the show.

[2099] Yeah, that's the ticket.

[2100] I'm at the John Lovitz Comedy Club, Saturday night.

[2101] John Lovitz, who's my friend that I never talked to.

[2102] He did a season of news radio.

[2103] He's a good dude.

[2104] Do you think he's going to come down?

[2105] I doubt it.

[2106] I don't think he has anything to do with that place, really.

[2107] Oh, he just has a name.

[2108] I think it's just his name.

[2109] I don't know, though.

[2110] I'm just guessing.

[2111] Yeah, that's it.

[2112] Put my name up there, see?

[2113] That is the worst James Cagney slash John Lovett impression.

[2114] What was his character back in the day in Saturday Night Live?

[2115] Like, yeah, that's the ticket.

[2116] He would lie and say that's the ticket, right?

[2117] I can't do any impressions, dude.

[2118] I fucking suck at that.

[2119] Well, you've just got to use your voice.

[2120] Get on the horse.

[2121] Who's that?

[2122] John Wayne?

[2123] He's doing an impression of someone doing an impression of Peter Fonda.

[2124] Peter Fonda?

[2125] Jimmy Stewart?

[2126] My name is Jimmy Stewart.

[2127] I don't know what you're talking about.

[2128] Do an impression of someone that was born after 1960.

[2129] Ari Shaffir.

[2130] Go ahead.

[2131] No. No, that was terrible.

[2132] That was terrible.

[2133] He's got Ari down good.

[2134] Do it, Joe.

[2135] Okay.

[2136] A joke.

[2137] Do an Ari joke.

[2138] I don't like dating Jewish women.

[2139] See this?

[2140] This is what I look like.

[2141] This is what a Jew looks like.

[2142] See this nose?

[2143] These eyes?

[2144] That's called a Jew.

[2145] You want to know what Jewish women look like?

[2146] Bam!

[2147] Same thing.

[2148] I don't know.

[2149] I don't know.

[2150] I don't know.

[2151] Not that good.

[2152] I need to listen to them.

[2153] Joey is way better.

[2154] Mumble, mumble.

[2155] Yeah, the Joey one I've got down over decades.

[2156] I've only been making fun of Ari.

[2157] I can't do anybody.

[2158] Or doing Ari impressions.

[2159] Nobody.

[2160] I can't do anybody.

[2161] I bet you can.

[2162] I can't.

[2163] I wish I could.

[2164] I would be doing it.

[2165] I can't do shit.

[2166] I used to have a real good Mike Tyson, but I don't anymore.

[2167] You do a good Arnold.

[2168] Mike Tyson's kind of easy, right?

[2169] Yeah.

[2170] Yeah.

[2171] Yeah.

[2172] It's, you know, that's why I never really liked impressionists because there's a trick and the trick is like, oh shit, he sounds just like that guy.

[2173] And that makes anything extra funny.

[2174] It's kind of entertaining.

[2175] I could put some good material on top of it.

[2176] I could do Dr. Steve Bruhl, or at least I could a couple weeks ago, but I might have lost it.

[2177] I might have lost it.

[2178] Come on.

[2179] Wait, never mind.

[2180] I have to hear it.

[2181] No, no, no, no. Do it.

[2182] Dr. Steve Bruhl.

[2183] Hey, you got some vinegar on your driveway?

[2184] Just put some vinegar on it.

[2185] Don't be stupid.

[2186] That sounds like Max Eberle.

[2187] Hey.

[2188] You know, you might be your loneliest friend, but who cares about all that dumb thing?

[2189] Look at my dangus.

[2190] You sound like that Jimmy, the stand -up comedian on South Park.

[2191] Hey, put my dangus on there.

[2192] All the girls want to see my dangus, just put some vinegar on it.

[2193] First of all, I don't know who you're talking about.

[2194] Who's Dr. Steve Brewer?

[2195] Dr. Steve Brewer.

[2196] John C. Reilly on the Tim and Eric show.

[2197] Oh, God.

[2198] Okay.

[2199] That actually did sound like I'm a little bit then.

[2200] That sounded a little bit like John C. Reilly.

[2201] Hey, you know, you guys, if you want to be with me, you got to come over here.

[2202] Just put some milk on it.

[2203] Get some table kickies.

[2204] It's not too bad.

[2205] If I heard it, it would be way better.

[2206] An impression.

[2207] I kind of understand that you're doing an impression.

[2208] It's not terrible.

[2209] I'll try harder next time.

[2210] I'm rooting for you.

[2211] Some dudes that just do all impressions, though, like when you see someone's act, they do all impressions.

[2212] That drives me fucking nuts.

[2213] Yeah.

[2214] I don't want to see that.

[2215] Especially when all of them sound the same, and they're only really good at the really, like, oh, this is Pacino.

[2216] Yeah, who cares about Pacino?

[2217] You know who's got really good impressions is Jay Moore.

[2218] Holy shit.

[2219] Have you ever heard of Colin Quinn?

[2220] His Colin Quinn is fucking brilliant.

[2221] And his walk -in is really good, too.

[2222] He's got a really good walk -in.

[2223] I used to be able to do a walk -in.

[2224] I got one impression, but no one would know it.

[2225] What?

[2226] There was a German thrash band in the 80s called Creator.

[2227] They're probably still around.

[2228] And they barely spoke any English.

[2229] I'm not even going to do it.

[2230] It's terrible.

[2231] It's terrible.

[2232] I'm sorry.

[2233] It's hard.

[2234] You want me to do it?

[2235] Yeah, go ahead, man. Okay, my favorite creator song was called The Pestilence.

[2236] Okay.

[2237] They don't know any English, so there's not too much banter in between songs.

[2238] So here it comes.

[2239] This one is The Pestilence!

[2240] That's it.

[2241] Well, you just killed people's ideas.

[2242] What's the deal with your voice?

[2243] Why was it so loud?

[2244] That was The Pestilence.

[2245] That's all I can do.

[2246] That's a pretty goddamn good version of that.

[2247] I have no idea.

[2248] This one is the best of luck!

[2249] Eddie Bravo, get it together, cocksucker.

[2250] Eddie Bravo, you just blew my ears.

[2251] Get it together, cocksucker.

[2252] You blew my fucking eardrums out here.

[2253] I'm smoking a bone with the cat trying to enjoy my off time.

[2254] Not even Dr. J could have helped me. Listening to a little fucking podcast.

[2255] Now I got crackles in my speakers, cocksucker.

[2256] Okay, you know what we can do?

[2257] What?

[2258] We can do...

[2259] since Joey's not here with us, he was supposed to be here with us.

[2260] Let's talk about UFC Oakland, and you give us your predictions, Joey Karate.

[2261] UFC Oakland.

[2262] Chael Sonnen versus Anderson Silva.

[2263] The spider.

[2264] The spider's in the house, and Chael Sonnen's got a can of Raid, cocksucker.

[2265] Shit's gonna get crazy.

[2266] Chael Sutton's going to look for that double, double wide, double leg, whatever.

[2267] Look for that fucking takedown.

[2268] But the spider's got those knees, motherfucker.

[2269] He comes up with them like O .J. Simpson in that fucking Hertz commercial.

[2270] Boom.

[2271] Up with those knees.

[2272] He's going to put a fist in his eyes.

[2273] What do you think about Ricardo Almeida, Henzo Gracie?

[2274] revenge henzo gracie's revenge cocksucker ricardo almeida student of the great henzo gracie victim of matthews matthews stand -up performance leg kicks punches his first tko standing in ufc history but ricardo almeida big dog's not hearing it bro big dog's back he's back for more big dog he's gonna start out with an inside leg kick right to the balls on purpose sorry much respect He's going to take all the fight out of the country, boy.

[2275] There's your fucking country breakfast, cocksucker.

[2276] But Matt Hughes with the fucking ground and pound.

[2277] He's the godfather of it.

[2278] Respect.

[2279] Respect to the godfather of ground and pound.

[2280] Who else is on the card?

[2281] Big country and Junior Dos Santos.

[2282] Respect the gut.

[2283] Big country's coming, dropping bombs on your mom's fuck car alarms.

[2284] Big Country is the best fat man fighting in the UFC today.

[2285] There's no one even close.

[2286] What's his name that just knocked out Todd Duffy?

[2287] Mike Russo.

[2288] Mike Russo is a close second, but Big Country's right up in there.

[2289] Big Country would have done it with the first punch.

[2290] That's the difference, though.

[2291] Don't let that fucking big G .I. Joe -looking motherfucker beat on you for three rounds.

[2292] Land that punch early.

[2293] Learn.

[2294] Respect.

[2295] Roy Nelson.

[2296] Junior Dos Santos, though.

[2297] Any motherfucker willing to go outside with those ears.

[2298] That's a tough dude.

[2299] That dude doesn't give a fuck.

[2300] He's got a mouse living in his left ear.

[2301] He feeds it.

[2302] He keeps him company in between rounds.

[2303] He's working on a fucking squirrel in his right one.

[2304] You know what I'm saying?

[2305] Junior Dos Santos.

[2306] Let me tell you something.

[2307] Fabricio Verdum's ears are still wiggling from the last time Dos Santos hit him.

[2308] He hit him with that uppercut and he started tuning in to 97 .1, the FF talk station.

[2309] He heard a system warning.

[2310] And then alarm clocks started going off in his head.

[2311] All right.

[2312] That's how hard Junior Dos Santos hits.

[2313] Who knows?

[2314] It's the fat man against the banger with a mouse living in his ears.

[2315] It's a goddamn Tarzan movie.

[2316] Angel's got his wings.

[2317] Those bells are the angels.

[2318] And who else?

[2319] Oh, Tiago Alves coming up against my man, John Fitch.

[2320] The grinder comes after the same Johnny Cash song.

[2321] God's going to cut you down, bitch.

[2322] Let me tell you something.

[2323] Tiago Alves is going to try to cut you down too.

[2324] That motherfucker's got glue in his brain.

[2325] You hear what I'm saying?

[2326] Somebody stuck glue in his brain and he don't give a fuck.

[2327] He wants revenge.

[2328] He's a totally different animal from the first time you guys met.

[2329] He wants revenge, but John Fitch ain't hearing it.

[2330] John Fitch is a different animal as well.

[2331] He's got his black felt from Dave Camarillo, Brazilian jiu -jitsu, gorilla style, ready to take him down, grind it out.

[2332] It's a fucking battle to the finish, ladies and gentlemen.

[2333] Tiago Alves leg kicks and John Fitch with elbows to your fucking head.

[2334] I'm getting fired up.

[2335] Where's my blood pressure medication?

[2336] I'm fired up.

[2337] Just listen to this.

[2338] Who else?

[2339] That was so beautiful.

[2340] Oh, that was wonderful.

[2341] For those of you that don't know Joey Diaz, we do an MMA review, a UFC review, and a preview.

[2342] It's called Tenth Planet Kush.

[2343] Joey's just the best.

[2344] No one can predict fights better than Joey.

[2345] He's the best.

[2346] It's so entertaining.

[2347] He's the most hilarious person I've ever met in my whole life.

[2348] Like, just for hanging out with him.

[2349] Nobody's funnier on just a regular basis over everything, about everything, about anything.

[2350] He could just read a book.

[2351] He could pick up a book.

[2352] He would just start reading it and it'd be funny.

[2353] I love that guy.

[2354] He could talk about anything.

[2355] You could have Joey and just turn on the news.

[2356] Here's Lindsay Lohan.

[2357] What do you think?

[2358] There's this motherfucker.

[2359] Somebody did her proper.

[2360] And he would just go off about Lindsay Lohan and the jokes would start flowing.

[2361] The other day, when you were on stage, me and Joey were way too stoned.

[2362] So we were just sitting in the green room looking at things.

[2363] And then he's like, let's do a podcast.

[2364] I'm like, what?

[2365] And he's like, do you got any other recorders?

[2366] I'm like, all right, let's do it.

[2367] podcast so we're going to we recorded 10 minutes we're just going to like throw these podcasts anytime we're together and it's uh just called cats and it's just me and him talking about cats for 10 minutes beautiful that's beautiful man let me tell you about captain samurai captain samurai lives in my backyard he's got scratches on his face he looks like bruce lee from enter the dragon remember when he came out and the guy hit him with the claw yeah that's my cat he's got like nine cats right check out episode he actually has nine cats two outside oh let's tell people how to what is it just 10th Planet Kush on YouTube.

[2368] 10th Planet Kush and go to episode 15 and 16.

[2369] Those are Joey at his best.

[2370] 15 and 16, 10th Planet Kush.

[2371] His name is, his character, his UFC review character is Joey Karate, but his real name is Joey Diaz.

[2372] It's fucking priceless.

[2373] Yeah, Joey's always with me on the road.

[2374] I think he's coming with me Saturday night.

[2375] I gotta ask him.

[2376] I think he's coming Saturday night.

[2377] He doesn't have anything else booked at the John Lovitz Comedy Club, but he did all weekend in Ontario.

[2378] He's just the funniest dude i know it's just so fun to hang around with he always brings an element of the party you know like whenever we do shows without joey they're still fun as fuck but there's something about having joey around and just he brings the party you know the party starts when joey gets there you know because he don't give a fuck yeah he's like the ultimate flavor flav but funny yeah you know like a funny flavor flav you know it's just like he's just the ultimate hilarious dude Do you think gay people have fleshlight smoothies where after they're done with their fleshlights, they just put a straw in it and walk around the house slurping out of the hole?

[2379] Oh, dude.

[2380] Brian.

[2381] Brian.

[2382] I'm sure you can just Google it.

[2383] There has to be.

[2384] What would it be?

[2385] There's got to be some sort of drinks load out of fleshlight.

[2386] Just Google that.

[2387] I'm sure there's a video.

[2388] Now, what's the latest with the real doll type technology?

[2389] Is that shit still going?

[2390] They hit a wall.

[2391] They hit a wall?

[2392] Apparently, according to Chris, the dude who works at Fleshlight, the vagina in the real doll is hard and not comfortable.

[2393] It doesn't feel good.

[2394] It doesn't feel like the Fleshlight.

[2395] Listen, man, I don't need to be fucking some rubber doll.

[2396] I know it's not a person.

[2397] I'm not pretending, okay?

[2398] A fleshlight to me is perfect.

[2399] And it doesn't have to look like a vagina either.

[2400] Stop.

[2401] Just make it a hole, all right?

[2402] So I don't feel it's creepy.

[2403] Just make it a hole that I stick my dick in and I shoot a load into.

[2404] I don't need to fuck some fake doll and do it doggy style and put her hands on my balls and shit.

[2405] I don't need that.

[2406] That's just gross to me. That's even more gross.

[2407] It's like you're pretending it's a person.

[2408] I'm not pretending it's a person.

[2409] I'm just trying to shoot a load here.

[2410] pretending it's a person.

[2411] How about a fleshlight that you put on one of those helmets, like a virtual reality helmet?

[2412] You see, like a dick, but it's not yours, obviously.

[2413] You see it.

[2414] And whatever that girl does in that virtual reality world, like that fleshlight that you have, it moves on the inside.

[2415] It's like controlling.

[2416] It feels like a mouth.

[2417] It grabs you.

[2418] You know what I mean?

[2419] It's the exact same strokeage.

[2420] If it's going up, how cool would that be?

[2421] I would use that shit.

[2422] You could program it to match what's going on on screen.

[2423] I would pay like 900 bucks for that.

[2424] Yeah.

[2425] The helmet's extra.

[2426] If you had something like that, and they had a code, and that code would...

[2427] would transmit to the uh the fleshlight say if you add uh each video each video was coded you know so you would take someone and they would figure out how to program into the computer so that the the the hands or whatever the fuck mechanical thing that you would have that controls the the movement on the fleshlight would move in conjunction with what's on the screen it would be like a a basic computer program so like you know if you're out of town your wife could send make a video for you she could send it you plug it in that's hot tech then you know what i mean how does someone interpret what she's doing.

[2428] She can make a video of you jerking off another dude?

[2429] What the fuck?

[2430] Or it'd have to be you jerking off you.

[2431] Yeah.

[2432] Yeah.

[2433] You could be live.

[2434] Or you'd have to be really open -minded.

[2435] Dude, can you imagine if it was like a live stream?

[2436] I want you to fuck another guy so I can see and I'll just jerk off and it's way better than just porn.

[2437] Yeah.

[2438] Some dudes are into that.

[2439] Some dudes are into guys watching guys fuck their wives.

[2440] Have you seen Idiocracy?

[2441] No. I keep hearing about it.

[2442] No, I haven't.

[2443] Oh, it's so good.

[2444] Dude, it's so much like your shit.

[2445] Have people said that?

[2446] Yeah, a lot of people have.

[2447] Oh, dude.

[2448] But it's good.

[2449] It's by my judge.

[2450] But that's not an idea that is uniquely mine, the idea that people are getting dumber.

[2451] I think everybody who's paying attention thinks that people are getting dumber.

[2452] Like a lot of people are getting smarter, but a lot more are getting dumber.

[2453] This is not just like when I was a kid and people were smarter and all that grandpa bullshit.

[2454] There was a fact I read on the internet that the average high school kid in 1960 had 200 more words in their vocabulary than the average kid in 2010.

[2455] What was the first year?

[2456] 1960.

[2457] What about the new words that are added, like with Ebonics and all that stuff, all the slang words?

[2458] There's a lot of new shit.

[2459] Yeah.

[2460] Do those count, though?

[2461] If they're not in the dictionary, they don't count.

[2462] The dictionary, how popular does something have to be before it gets in there?

[2463] I don't know.

[2464] Because I know there's a lot of words that you would think would be in there by now.

[2465] Dude, shit spreads quick.

[2466] How about giving knuckles and with the explosion?

[2467] Remember Joey?

[2468] I thought Joey was the only one doing that.

[2469] So did I. Did he make that up?

[2470] No, I thought he made it up, but then everyone started doing it.

[2471] He probably didn't make it up, right?

[2472] Nobody knows who makes those things up.

[2473] But that was like six years ago or something like that.

[2474] Yeah, I thought Joey made it up.

[2475] Me too.

[2476] What if he did it and he just didn't know it?

[2477] I don't think so.

[2478] Because now you see it in movies all the time.

[2479] Yeah, everybody's doing it.

[2480] I hate doing it now because it feels so dumb.

[2481] Yeah, I do it when we get on stage.

[2482] I do it all the time.

[2483] I was doing that before it was popular.

[2484] Yeah, we do that all the time when we get on stage.

[2485] But I feel like one part of me says that, yeah, don't do it because everybody else is doing it.

[2486] And the other part says, who gives a fuck?

[2487] It's better than shaking hands.

[2488] I do it backwards now.

[2489] Start with the explosion, and then you go to the fist.

[2490] That's too creative.

[2491] You're trying too hard, son.

[2492] It's better.

[2493] That's the editor inside of you.

[2494] That doesn't make sense to me. To make sense to me, I want to touch knuckles and then there's an explosion.

[2495] No, no, you go, hey, what's up?

[2496] Boom.

[2497] Hey, what's up?

[2498] Boom.

[2499] You're not going to sell that.

[2500] That's not, that's not.

[2501] That could work, man. You've got 2 ,000 people out right now.

[2502] If you want to do it, if you want to do it, go right ahead.

[2503] But I think you're out of line.

[2504] What if I do it to you and you do it the other way?

[2505] I think you're out of line, son.

[2506] I think you need to abandon this.

[2507] I like the faggy one where you go like.

[2508] I like that.

[2509] We do that one all the time.

[2510] I like that one.

[2511] I have a real problem.

[2512] I have a real problem when dudes squish my fingers.

[2513] When dudes shake your hand.

[2514] Don't want to touch this fingertip thing where they go around the fingertip and crush your fingers.

[2515] What are you doing?

[2516] I don't like that hand.

[2517] You may do jujitsu, but I got some strong motherfucking fists.

[2518] I don't know what it is they're doing, but if I grab someone's hand and it's like they got it wrong, I let up and try to readjust.

[2519] Let's fix this.

[2520] I don't like that nervous.

[2521] hand use.

[2522] I'm really getting paranoid about people's hands and stuff.

[2523] Our friend went to the Apple store the other day, and they totally saved his life.

[2524] He was just talking about how these guys are just...

[2525] His hard drive crashed, and the guy just went right on the computer.

[2526] He was just saying how he was doing it and how gross his keyboard was, but the guy did not even flinch and touched it.

[2527] I was thinking, how many Apple employees, like girlfriends, get pregnant from really bad fingering?

[2528] Their hands must be like...

[2529] Pregnant?

[2530] You know how much fucking cum has to be on all those girls' fucking fingers?

[2531] Cum can't survive outside the vagina.

[2532] My keyboard has so much shit on it, he said his was worse.

[2533] Brian, I can't even believe you said that out loud.

[2534] That's...

[2535] I obviously don't think anyone's getting pregnant, but you know how much cum is on your hands if you work at an Apple store?

[2536] How about none?

[2537] No one's cumming on their keyboard, Brian.

[2538] You never masturbated?

[2539] You never masturbated and then wiped it on a towel and you still had a little bit of cum around the corner and you fucking start typing?

[2540] You know how much protein is in cum, dude?

[2541] You don't let it go to waste, do you?

[2542] What?

[2543] This show has gone downhill hard.

[2544] We're talking about fingering loads.

[2545] Brian, you hijacked this goddamn show.

[2546] You hijacked this show with this crazy story about getting people pregnant from touching keyboards.

[2547] I'm only on a banana.

[2548] You're only on a banana?

[2549] Oh, Brian is on this crazy fucking diet where he's trying to lose 35 pounds, and he won't shave until he loses the weight.

[2550] So he's got this Muslim beard he's rocking right now, and he still has how many pounds to go?

[2551] I'm down 19 pounds since June 18th.

[2552] And the way he's doing it is obviously unhealthy.

[2553] It's rotting his brain.

[2554] Well, you're the one that's supposed to give me a protein bar.

[2555] You forgot.

[2556] How crazy is it, though?

[2557] How crazy is it?

[2558] Just by 19 pounds, all the hot chicks that are just bombing you.

[2559] I think that's amazing, man. Just like that.

[2560] You got all these girls all over you.

[2561] Well, he got this last one when he was fat.

[2562] Yeah, I know.

[2563] And now he's got...

[2564] Dude, it's incredible.

[2565] You know what?

[2566] Props, bro.

[2567] I've never seen...

[2568] What do you attribute your attractiveness to, Brian?

[2569] Do you believe it's your sense of humor?

[2570] I still suck my thumbs, so my lips get big by their own.

[2571] By their own?

[2572] By their own?

[2573] I like that.

[2574] Brian is like the oldest child I've ever met in my life.

[2575] He reminds me of friends that I had when I was in 8th grade.

[2576] Never grow up.

[2577] You always stay when you got molested.

[2578] What, 8th grade?

[2579] What the fuck are you laughing at, son?

[2580] That's wrong.

[2581] What do you think Chick's digging you, if you had a guess?

[2582] That I'm a real personality, definitely.

[2583] I'm a real person.

[2584] You're fine.

[2585] Seriously, though.

[2586] I open doors for him and stuff like that.

[2587] You're a good cleanup guy to come in after the douchebags.

[2588] Right.

[2589] Right?

[2590] Right.

[2591] And maybe I think...

[2592] I'm a real guy.

[2593] I'm a Ohio guy.

[2594] I think you're...

[2595] amazing success lately.

[2596] It's only been on the last like a month where it's been incredible.

[2597] I think it's because chicks like cats.

[2598] You love cats.

[2599] Seriously.

[2600] Think about that.

[2601] Think about the cat thing.

[2602] I know.

[2603] I don't think that's it though because actually most of the chicks I date hate cats.

[2604] Do you think that once you date one pretty girl that all of a sudden other girls can smell it?

[2605] What is your charisma?

[2606] And they realize they'll see you out with a pretty girl and be like, look at this bad motherfucker.

[2607] I want him now.

[2608] How did he get her?

[2609] I think a lot of it in this city is just people fucking, like, taking care of girls.

[2610] Because, like, I know so many girls that I talk to, their boyfriends are, like, you know, fucking freaking out about Olive Garden.

[2611] Like, you know, like, can you pay this?

[2612] You know, like, they don't get taken on dates.

[2613] You know, they don't get treated like how they want to be treated out here because everyone's trying to survive out here.

[2614] Dude, that girl I saw you with last week, I swear to God.

[2615] I swear to God.

[2616] If I didn't see you with her, I would have thought she was Jessica Alba.

[2617] You know what I'm saying?

[2618] I'm like, what the fuck is going on with Brian?

[2619] In Vegas?

[2620] Like, I'm seriously thinking about getting a cat.

[2621] I'm not even kidding.

[2622] Wow.

[2623] Strong words, because Eddie doesn't even like cats.

[2624] Yeah.

[2625] I like cats.

[2626] All right.

[2627] All right.

[2628] My new one's pretty sweet.

[2629] Man, the grind of fucking relationships.

[2630] Finding someone.

[2631] Brian, you're a single man right now.

[2632] What does that feel like?

[2633] It feels fucking great.

[2634] Does it?

[2635] Until you clean out your iPhone of old pictures, and you're like, oh, look at all these old pictures.

[2636] They need an iBreakup for Apple.

[2637] Once you break up, it detects by face your ex -girlfriend, and it destroys everything or puts it in a CD form.

[2638] Yeah, but then what if you go back together next week?

[2639] She goes, did you use iBreakup?

[2640] They got Time Machine on iBreakup.

[2641] You did what?

[2642] I thought you were gone forever, though.

[2643] They have Time Machine on iBreakup.

[2644] You go back.

[2645] You used iBreakup.

[2646] We were only taking a break.

[2647] We weren't breaking up, Brian.

[2648] You know how easy it is to just flip the picture down?

[2649] What's the craziest argument you've gotten a chick with recently?

[2650] Recently?

[2651] Yeah, recently.

[2652] Over the last 10 years of your life.

[2653] 10 years?

[2654] What's the craziest?

[2655] Just give him some room so the girls don't know he's talking about them.

[2656] Because I know you've had some doozies.

[2657] You've had some doozies.

[2658] Getting a tattoo behind my ear of a heart or something like that.

[2659] What?

[2660] Yeah, this one girl I dated, she wanted, within the third week, she wanted to get matching tattoos behind her ears.

[2661] And I'm like, already?

[2662] We've only been dating for three weeks.

[2663] And she goes, if you love me. And I was like, okay.

[2664] Because I was thinking I'll just get it lasered off, you know, whatever happens.

[2665] But we were really close to actually doing that.

[2666] How much do you regret not doing it?

[2667] Wow.

[2668] Dude, you know.

[2669] I don't think I would ever do it.

[2670] I think if I was actually on the way to the tattoo studio, I would have just like chloroformed her or something like that.

[2671] You say you would have, but what if, you know, you were in the moment and she went first and you're giddy and you had a couple.

[2672] Yeah, you're right.

[2673] You just put a Japanese fucking.

[2674] A little sign on top of it.

[2675] I could see you doing it.

[2676] I could see you doing it.

[2677] Yeah, I could totally do that.

[2678] I could see you doing it and then laughing about it.

[2679] I totally would do that.

[2680] That's so crazy, though.

[2681] She wanted to mark you.

[2682] Yeah.

[2683] So many women, when you get involved in relationships, they want to make sure that you're for real.

[2684] Yeah.

[2685] They want to make sure you're...

[2686] It's like a test.

[2687] I'm in it for real.

[2688] Are you in it for real?

[2689] Are you in it for real, for real?

[2690] Yeah.

[2691] How about...

[2692] I was talking about this on my message board today.

[2693] How about dudes who fucking share a Facebook page with their wife?

[2694] Some fucking guy sent me a message.

[2695] It's like, Bob and Jennifer McCallahan.

[2696] I'm like, what?

[2697] You share a Facebook page with a chick?

[2698] Dude, I have this ex -girlfriend that I love.

[2699] She's a great person to talk to and stuff, but her fucking husband is addicted to Farmville.

[2700] So all day long, it's Farmville this, Mafia Wars this.

[2701] I'm texting her or sending her a message like, would you fucking stop?

[2702] Telling me how much oranges you have and stuff like that.

[2703] Actually, this is Heather.

[2704] I'm sorry.

[2705] This is so -and -so's boyfriend or husband.

[2706] Do you want to talk to her?

[2707] And I'm like, no. Can't you just have your separate fucking Farmville account and just get out of her?

[2708] I'm so confused.

[2709] They check each other's messages on Facebook?

[2710] Yeah, like, hey, so -and -so's Heather.

[2711] Fuck.

[2712] So -and -so, so -and -so.

[2713] We are the worst at hiding people's names.

[2714] What, Duncan?

[2715] What?

[2716] Yeah, so -and -so just got a brand new horse in their stable.

[2717] So every time you play this game, it updates your Facebook?

[2718] Yeah.

[2719] The game updates your Facebook automatically?

[2720] Yeah.

[2721] Oh, my God, that's so good.

[2722] And they share inboxes together.

[2723] It's like, dude, you don't have any life anymore.

[2724] What if I just wanted to send, oh, you look cute in that one picture?

[2725] So this dude sent me an email message on Facebook, and the message.

[2726] was he came to the Ontario show and he said I saw your show did you ever consider the possibility that Jesus was real and that he was who he says he was and I automatically dismissed him I'm like first of all it's a silly question and second of all how can I debate a guy who's got a fucking Facebook page with his wife like you're on your own dude good luck Have a good time, but we can't have any conversations.

[2727] I can't have a serious conversation about anything.

[2728] Even if you're a goddamn scholar and you're a brilliant person who knows a lot about the history of the origins of Jesus, I can't talk to you about that.

[2729] You've got a fucking Facebook page with a chick, dude.

[2730] Doesn't that drive you nuts?

[2731] You ever call a dude and his girlfriend answers the phone?

[2732] What the fuck is that?

[2733] What is that?

[2734] That's a guy trying to prove his love.

[2735] I'll give you my password to my Facebook.

[2736] I swear.

[2737] You know what?

[2738] That's probably like getting back together type shit.

[2739] Girl breaks up with guy and they're like, I'll do anything.

[2740] I'll do anything.

[2741] Because at that point, you'll do anything.

[2742] How about give me your fucking password, your Facebook, your Twitter, all that shit.

[2743] Let me check out them direct messages.

[2744] That's probably what it is.

[2745] I called Opie.

[2746] Opie and Anthony.

[2747] His chick answered the phone.

[2748] I called his cell phone.

[2749] Maybe it was his assistant.

[2750] Hey, maybe he told her to answer it.

[2751] Especially if you don't know who the fuck it is.

[2752] You see some phone number and you're not even sure who the hell it is.

[2753] Maybe he didn't give you the hoe phone.

[2754] Maybe that was a hoe phone.

[2755] Maybe that's why she was answering it.

[2756] Maybe that was a hoe or maybe that wasn't the hoe phone because you're not a hoe.

[2757] And so he doesn't care who answers the real phone.

[2758] Oh, I see.

[2759] I don't think he rocks it like that.

[2760] He just had a kid too.

[2761] Eddie Bravo.

[2762] Someday.

[2763] You're going to have kids.

[2764] What do you think of that?

[2765] Do you feel extra pressure even thinking about that, considering how fucked up your childhood was?

[2766] I did.

[2767] Growing up, I really thought that, hey, there might be a chance that I don't give a fuck about my kids because my dad didn't give a fuck about me. I was scared.

[2768] That would kill me if my father...

[2769] or if my child thought of me like I think of my father, that would fucking destroy me. So I was scared of having kids most of my life.

[2770] But I almost had a kid.

[2771] I thought I had a kid.

[2772] Then we had the DNA test.

[2773] But I had a kid for three months.

[2774] I played the daddy.

[2775] And that's when I knew I would love my kid no matter what.

[2776] That was a test.

[2777] I thought I had a kid for three months.

[2778] What was it like when you walked away after three months?

[2779] I didn't walk away after three months.

[2780] I stayed.

[2781] After we found out he wasn't mine, I stayed and hung in there as long as possible.

[2782] But the chick was just so...

[2783] It just did not fucking work, man. You know how that goes.

[2784] And I had to make a choice.

[2785] You know what the craziest thing is?

[2786] When we finally did break up, I came back maybe two months later to see Jake.

[2787] And he still remembered me. He still remembers me, but it was kind of like, fuck, where you been for two months?

[2788] And then I came back like six months later, and when I came back and he really didn't recognize me, like the girl had to pull out pictures of us at the zoo.

[2789] Remember, he's the one who took you to the zoo, remember?

[2790] And he's like, hmm.

[2791] I was like, fuck, you don't even know me. God damn.

[2792] Those motherfuckers will forget you if you're not around for like six months.

[2793] Are you playing music to enhance the mood?

[2794] Yeah.

[2795] Then I realized, you know, once he started forgetting me, then I realized, you know what, I could just step away from this now.

[2796] It would be a good idea just to get out of this.

[2797] He doesn't even remember me. Yeah, you can't take six months off from seeing a baby.

[2798] Yeah.

[2799] Yeah, man. He was like, it was like, this happened when he was like one, one and a half, something like that.

[2800] He was walking around, you know, and then he just started forgetting about me, and it was a trip.

[2801] And then I just backed out.

[2802] How many times?

[2803] Have you thought a chick was pregnant and wasn't?

[2804] Dude, I don't want to talk about that.

[2805] How many?

[2806] Let's not even talk about crazy shit like that, man. It's ugly.

[2807] We should also say we're going to be on another podcast.

[2808] Oh, yeah.

[2809] We're going to do Doug Benson's podcast in like two hours.

[2810] Yeah, we got to dart through traffic.

[2811] Well, it's five now.

[2812] We're all right.

[2813] And we got to head down to the UCB to do the Doug Benson podcast tonight.

[2814] Crazy.

[2815] We hung out with Doug when we were in Vegas.

[2816] He was there for some poker, and so he came to a show at the House of Blues.

[2817] We hung out, and then he came to the UFC the next day, too.

[2818] He's a good motherfucker, and he's the reason why I had to make a fan line because I fucked up and Twittered my number.

[2819] I thought to him, I thought I was Twittering a direct message.

[2820] But it was a reply or something.

[2821] I Twittered just a straight message to the whole fucking world, so I had to get a new phone.

[2822] What are you going to do, son?

[2823] So we're going to go do the Doug Benson podcast right after this.

[2824] Anything else we should talk about before we wrap this pitch up?

[2825] I'm good.

[2826] Join all of our Twitters, which are listed below.

[2827] Eddie Bravo, Red Band, Joe Rogan.

[2828] No, I don't want anybody to jump on my Twitter.

[2829] I just post disgusting, crazy, weird -ass shit.

[2830] You do not want to see my shit.

[2831] It's definitely R -rated.

[2832] Plus you want to keep it VIP too.

[2833] That's how I look at it.

[2834] I want a VIP.

[2835] If you're easily offended, do not follow me, please.

[2836] Well, no one who's listening to this show is easily offended unless you're just looking for ammunition.

[2837] That motherfucker, what did he say about Jesus?

[2838] There's a lot of people out there doing that, I'm sure.

[2839] Joe, we should also say that you have a new Q &A.

[2840] Oh, yeah.

[2841] You know, I haven't really set that up totally.

[2842] I mean, I signed up for it, but I don't know how to do it.

[2843] In the future, we'll have like Q &A podcasts.

[2844] I should do them by myself where I just read off the questions and just answer them and just do it to camera.

[2845] So I'll do one of those in the future because I get so many of the same questions over and over again.

[2846] It would be better if I could figure out a way to answer them just to, you know.

[2847] But if you want to find out info on comedy dates, go to JoeRogan .net.

[2848] My Twitter is just JoeRogan.

[2849] Of course, Eddie's Twitter is EddieBravo.

[2850] Brian is Red Band.

[2851] Oh, and 10thPlanetJJ .com.

[2852] Get on my forum if you want, you know, for future seminar dates.

[2853] They're all up on the forum, man. Fleshlight .com, too.

[2854] Yeah, we are sponsored by Fleshlight .com.

[2855] And like I said, even if I wasn't sponsored by it, I probably wouldn't talk about it as much.

[2856] But I'd still tell you, you should go fuck one of those things because it's awesome.

[2857] Are there different sizes?

[2858] I don't know.

[2859] They have a mouth, though.

[2860] I saw a mouth online the other day.

[2861] With fangs.

[2862] Really?

[2863] Yeah, a twilight one.

[2864] Do they have a twilight one?

[2865] Well, it's got fangs.

[2866] It's a vampire one, not a twilight one, though.

[2867] Fucking vampires, cocksucker.

[2868] Let me tell you something.

[2869] When I was young, Barnabas Collins, that's a fucking vampire, okay?

[2870] He walks in the room.

[2871] Ladies and gentlemen, you guys have been, I don't know what you've been.

[2872] You might be fucking screaming obscenities at me right now.

[2873] Who no fuck knows what you are?

[2874] I can't say you've been anything.

[2875] You guys, you're just out there.

[2876] But we appreciate you.

[2877] You might be cool.

[2878] Hopefully you are.

[2879] Hopefully you've been great.

[2880] As you're watching, you haven't been yelling, will you faggots talk about some other shit?

[2881] But we appreciate the fuck out of it, as always.

[2882] Our podcast, by the way, is also now on...

[2883] What's it called again?

[2884] Stitcher.

[2885] Oh, yeah.

[2886] It's on Stitcher.

[2887] So what Stitcher is, is if you go to JoeRogan .net, the front page, there's a link.

[2888] And if you click on the link, it'll take you to the Stitcher website that's set up just for my podcast.

[2889] And it'll give you the information exactly how to do it.

[2890] But it's real super simple.

[2891] You load it up on your phone.

[2892] You could pretty much now, you could stream over your cell phones.

[2893] You could stream our podcast.

[2894] And we're also on iTunes, but this is just another thing you can get on.

[2895] It's for people who are not into apps.

[2896] and they want to be able to do it on their smartphone.

[2897] But we're also going to be switching over so we have a Zoom one and we'll have an iPhone app one too.

[2898] That's all in the works.

[2899] So thank you very much for tuning in and we will see you bitches next week.

[2900] And I say bitches with all the love and respect in the world.

[2901] As -salamu alaykum.