Dana Carvey

[0] Hi, my name is Dana Carvey.

[1] And I feel masculine about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, thing the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Hey, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[5] And this is the show where basically I use the podcast format to become friends with people.

[6] See if I can get more friends.

[7] I don't have a lot.

[8] A lot of my friends are people that actually work for me, which makes me suspicious.

[9] I think if I stop paying them, they might go away.

[10] So I basically talk to people who I might already be friends with, or people sometimes I don't really know, but I like them.

[11] And maybe they will become my friend.

[12] So that's the idea.

[13] It's pretty simple.

[14] and I do this with my trusty assistant Sonam of Sessian.

[15] Hey, Sona.

[16] Hi, Conan.

[17] Do you think it's working?

[18] Do you think I'm getting some good friends with this podcast?

[19] What's the matter with you?

[20] I didn't know how to answer that.

[21] Are you choking on something?

[22] I'm just saying I haven't entered anything new in your calendar in terms of hangs with new friends.

[23] That's not even a joke.

[24] You have not.

[25] This has been a very successful podcast and I have interviewed a lot of people and I think it's gone really well.

[26] And you know what?

[27] Not one dinner day.

[28] Nope.

[29] Or a lunch date has resulted so far.

[30] No hang sesh.

[31] No hang session?

[32] Hang session.

[33] Oh, no hanging out session.

[34] Yeah.

[35] Yeah, I don't like it when you don't millennialize your terms with me. Just say no hangout sessions yet.

[36] Maybe you could just learn how to understand.

[37] I don't know why you still work for me. I would theoretically have control over that.

[38] Anyway, I'm also helped by someone who's really nice to me. My producer, Matt Goreley.

[39] up, dickhead.

[40] Jesus.

[41] God.

[42] Oh, you really like that one, don't you, Sona?

[43] You like that?

[44] Oh, good for you.

[45] You're feeling pretty good now, aren't you, Gourley?

[46] Yeah, just immortal, you know?

[47] My God, you just...

[48] Podcast is doing well.

[49] You need me. How could this possibly go wrong?

[50] You know what?

[51] I looked into it because I keep asking Adam Sacks, the sort of guru behind all this.

[52] I keep asking him, is there a way to do this without Gourley?

[53] I ask him that frequently, and he says no. Yeah, I've got some shit on him.

[54] Yeah.

[55] You seem to be the linchpin for this whole operation.

[56] Uh -huh.

[57] That's right.

[58] It's unbelievable.

[59] I have a podcast, and I'm surrounded by people who seem to enjoy watching me squirm and suffer.

[60] Yes.

[61] Why?

[62] I don't know.

[63] That's a good question.

[64] We're going to have to see more of it over time to really answer that.

[65] Yeah.

[66] Yeah.

[67] I didn't know anything about podcasts when I started doing this, and I didn't realize that I could select the people who were around me. And maybe they could be pleasant.

[68] But enough of that, let's move on.

[69] I am overjoyed, absolutely overjoyed, because one of my all -time comedy heroes is here on the show.

[70] I met him on Saturday Night Live way back in the day.

[71] He remains one of the funniest people that I've ever met, and I'm going to say one of the funniest people that's ever existed on the planet Earth, and he's also a delightful human being.

[72] Dana Carvey.

[73] We all set?

[74] You got to see Jeff Bridges eat food in a movie.

[75] He is the greatest.

[76] Oh, I just did a whole self -serve yogurt, put down a layer of prelands and cream added in the snow cups, the gummer bears, and the banana chips.

[77] I'm about to get them worse.

[78] 200 cater tomsy cater and put the dinner in a lot.

[79] He's from Malibu, California, ladies and gentlemen.

[80] Yep.

[81] That's true We're going to get more giddy up on the home We met in 1988, Dave I know We met in 1988 and I I came to Senate Live as a writer Incredibly nervous And I remember exactly what happened And I want to know I was in the writer's area That big conference room that the writers have And I was standing there And you walked in with Kevin Nealyn.

[82] Right.

[83] Could not have been nicer to me. Lovely guy right away.

[84] Big mistake.

[85] Yeah, big mistake.

[86] Well, yeah, okay, it was you?

[87] I mean, I think you, I was a real quiet, shy writer.

[88] I don't know if, I don't know if I made an impression on you.

[89] It probably took a while.

[90] Well, the main thing, I remember you and Greg Daniels.

[91] Right.

[92] When I first saw you guys, I thought, well, this is probably like some high school kids visiting, I can, you know, see how TV's made day.

[93] Yeah.

[94] And I remember specifically Corny and Greg Daniels and going, I'm just intuitive about this stuff.

[95] You know, do theater.

[96] I think half -hour television is not where you want to go.

[97] Right.

[98] I remember telling you, you know, you don't talk to people much.

[99] Yep.

[100] I was quiet.

[101] I was a little intimidated and I just kept my, I was not the, hey, look at me, writer.

[102] No. But basically, you guys, if I had to come up with one word, is you were just very cute.

[103] You look so young and clean cut and fresh -faced.

[104] I remember you being really enthusiastic, but kind of shy, off to the side, where the rest of us were all whooping it up.

[105] It's a long race, Conan.

[106] It hasn't even finished.

[107] It hasn't started.

[108] That was 30 years ago, how we've grown.

[109] There's a new sheriff in podcast Village.

[110] So long, Joe Rogan.

[111] Farewell, Mark Marendon.

[112] You've run out of quips.

[113] uh you uh yes you're i'm feeling full Conan and this is this is Jeff Bridges again Jeff Bridges is coming back as a runner and this is Jeff Bridges eating food in a movie well I always feel like he always sounds like he's ate too much and his belt's too tight and it informs his movie choices like I'm no good I just had a double double foot long subway you know double T double me well Jeff Jeff you only have one line all right what's my line well they're going to find a and they're going to kill us.

[114] All right, roll it.

[115] I'll take my own cue.

[116] Just let me get my...

[117] Give me a little...

[118] All right.

[119] Well, they're going to find us.

[120] They're going to kill us.

[121] Oh, that's all I got.

[122] That's a wrap of them.

[123] This is a thing...

[124] A little exaggeration.

[125] If Jeff is listening, I'm a huge fan.

[126] Let's talk about this because this goes to something...

[127] I'm recording you, by the way.

[128] That's fine.

[129] This is something that goes to an observation that I've had a long time ago and that has continued to remain true for me. Exaggeration.

[130] There are so many people that think the key to a good impression is to sound exactly like the person.

[131] Right.

[132] And you are my favorite example of someone who understood, intuitively understood, that you're supposed to get at some kind of weird essence of the person and then stretch it out, like silly putty.

[133] Yes.

[134] And all of your impressions and your characters are crazily.

[135] Your George H .W. Bush is not an accurate impression of him.

[136] But you were always, but you got to the heart of something.

[137] I guess it's a compliment.

[138] No, no. Well, my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression is an impression of your impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, is not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[139] At all.

[140] At all.

[141] Sazum, bosom, voosum.

[142] You know, that's not Arnold Schwarzenger.

[143] Well, the first Hans and Franz, it was Kevin and I both doing kind of at least the base.

[144] You know, we are Hans, I am Franz, we're too bomb you up.

[145] Then over time, I got bored, and I realized looking at us, visually, I was the little guy with the bigger fake ego, and Kevin was the giant.

[146] Also, they would put enamel on my teeth that I didn't want to smear.

[147] So they'd put it on before I go on air, and that would curious.

[148] the gap.

[149] And so I looked at the mirror and I kind of had a face.

[150] I had to match that little smile.

[151] And then it became so, all to look at your little girly politics and your mother it became nothing to do with Arnold.

[152] But he still says girly man. There are people that do impressions that are, and there's a coldness to them.

[153] They're like scientific about it.

[154] And you, in your characters and your impressions, you're always having fun.

[155] You're having having fun because you're stretching it out to a ridiculous degree.

[156] Yes.

[157] But I think you're a kindred spirit.

[158] I loved it.

[159] Take things to the infinite universe.

[160] That's why I was immediately always, the first time I saw you on TV, I was immediately drawn to your joy.

[161] You have a, there's so much joy that comes out of you when you're performing.

[162] Well, I just making myself laugh.

[163] But even my Trump now, which I started, it's not a joke, I was trying to figure it out.

[164] And I thought maybe it's a little bit regis.

[165] Anyway, you're ready for this?

[166] Joy's over there, Galbert's over there.

[167] You know, it's kind of nasly at New York, you had to control.

[168] And then I thought, well, you got out maybe Brando.

[169] Yep.

[170] What can I do for you my son?

[171] And then you come, and then you move yourself to a Regis, and you got Trump, and then I added Shetner, I don't know why I just wanted to be.

[172] Because he's fighting the world at all moments.

[173] I'll sanction you, fuck you, Canada.

[174] Get out of you.

[175] So then it doesn't, it makes me smile.

[176] Yeah, it's really, you, but I do think that's your process.

[177] If I'm not, I would have guessed that your process.

[178] process was keep at it until you're amusing yourself.

[179] And if you're amusing yourself, you know it's funny.

[180] Yes.

[181] And then it makes me laugh internally that the audience is accepting made up things and laughing themselves.

[182] I think everything goes back to high school in the car with your buddies.

[183] They're stoned.

[184] You're in the back seat.

[185] And you start doing an impression of the water polo teacher.

[186] And then you just wind it down and it's repetitive.

[187] You know, we didn't do bits in high school.

[188] It was just abstract.

[189] And when I was on the road with Dennis Miller and Kevin Neeland, when we were in the back of the limo, going to the gigling and talking, we were all doing the same thing.

[190] Dennis is doing impressions and characters.

[191] So everyone wants to do what we're doing, basically.

[192] Saps.

[193] They're just saps.

[194] Why?

[195] Why are you this?

[196] My Sinfeld is a little high.

[197] Yeah, let's hear about your Seinfeld.

[198] You're amazed that he's, like, you're so good in front of a crowd, but you were telling me you don't love being on the road all the time.

[199] The traveling, the transporting of the human to the gig, you know, is the part...

[200] Constantly being on the road, yeah.

[201] Yeah, I don't like the road, but, you know, Jerry loves it.

[202] He's, oh, oh, he just loves it, so...

[203] Well, he just loves, and he doesn't, he doesn't, and also, he feels like he, I don't know, he doesn't, he wouldn't get worn down with all the flying around, Jerry, you know what I mean?

[204] Not at all.

[205] He's something almost kind of in, and I mean this is a compliment, I think, is almost machine -like, like he's, you know what I mean?

[206] He's of that school that...

[207] Right.

[208] It's all good, you know?

[209] It's all good.

[210] We're great.

[211] Everything's positive.

[212] We've got a gig.

[213] I'm going to repeat my tomato bit, and it's going to kill again.

[214] I don't like the redundancy as part of the reason I exaggerate.

[215] But can I tell you my Seinfeld?

[216] Because when I did his show, we're going to coffee in the cars.

[217] I started doing it.

[218] And he goes, no one can do me, but Jimmy Fallon.

[219] He shut me down right away.

[220] But then I noticed he's got this other subrhythm in his stand -up, which really makes me laugh.

[221] So he's got the high thing.

[222] I think, so I do him as a serial killer.

[223] I'm going to kill you.

[224] Well, why?

[225] Why?

[226] I'm going to kill you.

[227] I'm going to get these knives and put them right in there because I think I can cut your spleen right in half.

[228] He's got that other, I think.

[229] Yeah, yeah, he gets, you know what's interesting.

[230] The guy who thinks he could be president is obviously insane.

[231] I think that's a job for me. I can be president.

[232] If Jerry's listening, I barely do you, Jerry.

[233] But on today's podcast, you are there with you.

[234] He is front and center with Jeff Bridges.

[235] I don't go on the road because the room service would take too long.

[236] Oh, more, I'm going to get burst.

[237] I got a...

[238] Sorry, go ahead.

[239] Well, especially true grit.

[240] He was...

[241] In true grit, he was...

[242] That's what...

[243] He was digesting a ham in every scene.

[244] Well, this is the thing.

[245] And I think he's brilliant.

[246] I saw Hell or High Waters where I started doing him.

[247] I just love the rhythms.

[248] I'm going to get him.

[249] And he did true grit.

[250] I think that was the first old cowboy, transition from leading man to kind of codger cowboy.

[251] No, I'm true grit, let's go.

[252] And then he does the press junket, and they're asking about the character.

[253] And I'm listening.

[254] He goes, well, I just figured I did it.

[255] He just kept the voice.

[256] It wasn't a character.

[257] Well, no, I'm just going to do it all the time and laugh.

[258] I'm in the water going to do the hair.

[259] Sorry.

[260] But I'm very punchy right now.

[261] No, no. This is you.

[262] This is the real you.

[263] And this is how you are, when we hang out, this is you.

[264] When we're not philosophically discussing the universe, we do this.

[265] But what I love is there's no, I think it almost comes back to a cartoon sensibility.

[266] I always wanted to be a cartoon.

[267] You know what I mean?

[268] I always wanted to, and I liked comedy that had a cartoonish element.

[269] And I know that your stuff always had that element where you, would keep stretching it out and stretching it out.

[270] I mean, there's no reason for the church lady to get up and do that dance at the end.

[271] There was no reason for that.

[272] Lauren didn't like that, nor the echo, but he got used to it, you know.

[273] Does she have to have echo when she says Satan, you know.

[274] Satan?

[275] Oh, why it's superior to dance?

[276] I don't know, Lauren.

[277] He probably was right.

[278] I love the madness of it.

[279] So I love things that are crazy because I'm crazy.

[280] Did you watch, I watched a lot of Warner Brothers cartoons when I was kid, and I swear to God, I think I learned my timing from Coyote Roadrunner, Bugs Bunny.

[281] It's such impeccable timing.

[282] Yeah.

[283] And I loved it whenever I could show my kids that, because I thought they learned the rhythm.

[284] If you can learn the rhythm from a Warner Brothers cartoon that was made in the 40s or 50s.

[285] You always wonder where your influences come from.

[286] When I first did church later on Saturday Night Live, Mr. Clockworthy said you can't say penis so much on television.

[287] That was the censor.

[288] Censor guy.

[289] We had a bow tie, and he looked just like a censor guy.

[290] So I had to take the penis out and put in other language, which made it way more pornographic.

[291] Yes.

[292] So it was like, well, our naughty, bulbous areas, engarged, and willing, and throbbing.

[293] You know, it's just, so I handed it to him, he goes, no penis.

[294] This looks terrific.

[295] So I remember specifically one time early on doing Church Lady, Steve Martin was the host.

[296] And I'm really digging into it and read through, just wanted to make sure.

[297] at Gassan, you know, your engorged loaf is throbbing and you're fornicating buttocks, you know.

[298] And I heard Steve Martin, under his breath, say to Lorne Michaels, what kind of mind thinks of this?

[299] Which is a great compliment.

[300] That's great.

[301] Am I repress, sexually?

[302] Where did that come from?

[303] I have no idea.

[304] You were telling me once, because we both are Beatles fanatics and we're both obsessed with Paul McCartney.

[305] And we both had these interactions with him.

[306] But you were telling me once your key to doing a Paul McCartney impression in how it was the rising and the falling, you know, the melodic...

[307] Yeah, I mean, and it is also maybe for more like the Beatle cartoon, you know, because I've been doing a thing that just struck me, that beatily voice is just calming to me. So if you process the news that's pretty dark through that voice, it makes it much more friendly, like during the Kavanaugh hearings, you'd be like, well, America, you know, they needed a top judge -a -man.

[308] They needed a judgment in the Supreme Supreme, you know.

[309] And everyone goes, all right, it seems all right.

[310] And then a bird says, wait a minute.

[311] You know, in high school, he went googly, googly, googly on me, you know.

[312] And it was all that.

[313] Sorry.

[314] But that's, no, but that's.

[315] If he read the news, I would prefer to get my news from him.

[316] Give me a story.

[317] What's a story, let's say, I want to make sure it's not too.

[318] No, no. Incendiary.

[319] Is Trump, you know, headed towards impeachment?

[320] impeachment because of collusion with the Russians.

[321] Well, yeah, I do a bit where he and Paul, because I do him and John a lot, John asks him about that.

[322] But tell me about, you know, the new president, you know.

[323] Well, you know, he's a new one.

[324] You know, he's a big orange man, you know.

[325] He's got white circles around his eyes, you know.

[326] And his hair is like cotton candy all swirled around and stuff, you know.

[327] And they're all talking about collusion.

[328] You know, he's a colluder.

[329] He's a colluder.

[330] Well, the man over there, you know, oh, a Russian man says, let's go colluding.

[331] He's like, all right, how do we do it?

[332] He goes, it's a secret.

[333] Well, how do you know if you are colluding?

[334] You never know.

[335] Later on, they tell you, the judgeer man comes in, you know.

[336] The judgeer man. It's just easier to say judge.

[337] Well, that's the thing, and you love that too.

[338] It's like the language of when I have Paul McCartney saying to John Lennon, you know, Kanye West loves him, you know, and John says, Kanye West, who's that, you know.

[339] And he goes, you know, he was, you know, he's a singer -talkie.

[340] You know, he's a chest thumper, you know, which I love.

[341] Remember when you said we were more popular than Jesus, he says he is Jesus.

[342] But I love chest thumper.

[343] That makes me really happy.

[344] And so in this scenario, John is in the afterlife.

[345] He doesn't know what's going on, and Paul is telling him about what's happening in the world.

[346] Exactly.

[347] I love that.

[348] It can go anywhere to, why?

[349] Oh, good to see again, John, you know.

[350] Well, let's go it on, Paul.

[351] We're good to see.

[352] I like that.

[353] So John is in the afterlife, but he can't see what's happening in the world.

[354] And the only person he can get his news from is Paul McCarthy.

[355] That's, I love it.

[356] So, Paul goes, in the future, you know, everyone's got a baby television in the pocket, you know, and it's got a little camera on it, you know.

[357] What do you mean, Paul?

[358] I love that also, Paul isn't doing a great job explaining this stuff to John.

[359] Yes, and John is just so curious.

[360] He's so curious.

[361] What do you mean?

[362] Yeah, you do, John.

[363] What are you talking about?

[364] You know, it's just a baby television.

[365] It's got a little camera, and you know, you take pictures of.

[366] things and you post them on a thing called Facebook.

[367] What's a fucking Facebook?

[368] Well, it's a place where you share your life with the world, John.

[369] Like say, you're having a particularly nice ham sandwich.

[370] You take a picture of you, baby, television, and you put it on Facebook for all the world to see.

[371] I thought you were a vegetarian, why eating a fucking ham sandwich?

[372] Well, then he would say, I'd say, well, sometimes you get haters, and you'd say, how would someone hate a ham sandwich?

[373] Yeah, how would you hate a ham sandwich?

[374] Well, you know, you know, the usual things, you know, not enough She's too much less.

[375] I just see John getting really impatient, getting angry, because he's an angry guy.

[376] They might have to have their own podcast.

[377] Oh, man. First of all.

[378] The whole thing is just them.

[379] Just them talking.

[380] Yeah, and you play John.

[381] Just so.

[382] First of all, we should do that.

[383] Well, because you have a nasally, you've got it.

[384] I can do the nasly.

[385] And that's it.

[386] It's just one guy's down here.

[387] And the guy's right here.

[388] He's got those little, uh, what is this something.

[389] Here's the Direns.

[390] I think you'd appreciate this.

[391] I do Paul McCartney for, I've probably done this on your show, but Paul McCartney, first man on Mars.

[392] Yeah.

[393] Well, they didn't tell us to be so red.

[394] And then John Lennon, first man on Mars.

[395] I knew it'd be red.

[396] Same thing with Paul McCartney sees his first banana split.

[397] Well, you know, it's great.

[398] You know, they got three scoops of ice cream with the bananas around each side, you know.

[399] Look at it, John.

[400] And John's like, the banana's an afterthought.

[401] These go forever.

[402] This is like Johnny...

[403] No, this is the thing is, I can...

[404] I swear to God, I could sit and listen to this.

[405] People, it's a cliche to say I could listen to this all day.

[406] I could listen to this all day and just urinate into cups.

[407] I literally, it gives me comfort to do Paul and John.

[408] I want them to be friends.

[409] I love them talking.

[410] It really makes me feel good.

[411] There's things, I'll do it just around the house to myself.

[412] The music they did and the fact that they, never got to have this time later where they were like we're fucking amazing you know I guess John only one time after they finish here there and everywhere that's a good song you know this is what I say about because people are always like John versus Paul this and that and they were both in the only band they could have been in in the world where at one time or another they would think to themselves you know maybe I'm not the best guy in the band yes but there's no other band they could have been in he might be better than me You know, so they didn't.

[413] But anyway, I like doing that.

[414] This is another one that's just brain candy for me. Johnny Carson getting pulled over on the PCH.

[415] Right.

[416] And it's the fun of his vernacular.

[417] Oh, sorry, I didn't know I was swerving.

[418] I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook.

[419] Right?

[420] That's just pure joy.

[421] I had two frozen pillows at the windy summit.

[422] So you want a hundred of those.

[423] Yes.

[424] That would be on your show.

[425] Just you would go.

[426] But here's a thing, here's a thing.

[427] And I do want to bring this up because...

[428] Two slippery monkeys are the...

[429] It's too much fun.

[430] It's not even alcohol.

[431] Also, I remember he got pulled over, you know, and I've seen the clip on The Tonight Show where he comes out the next night.

[432] He got pulled over after having T -Many Martunis.

[433] And I know the woman who was dating him when he was, like, in his mid -late 50s, and she would help him into the car.

[434] Yeah.

[435] And he usually was having grassy.

[436] hoppers.

[437] That's why it was his drink.

[438] Could I get another freshen up on my grasshopper?

[439] What's the grasshopper?

[440] I'm not really sure.

[441] It just sounds like...

[442] I love that.

[443] Those 60 -70s drinks, you know, like a white Russian.

[444] Yeah.

[445] They were just like milkshakes that had a lot of ton of alcohol in them.

[446] But it's interesting is that...

[447] So he does drunk driving and he's on the show, right?

[448] He came on the show the next night and he came out to do the monologue and a policeman came with him and it got a huge laugh.

[449] But you realize today, it was just a different time.

[450] We have learned...

[451] Yeah.

[452] No, you cannot.

[453] That's not an area of humor.

[454] Fun and frivolity.

[455] Because remember, who was the guy who's whole career?

[456] Foster Brooks.

[457] Yes.

[458] Foster Brooks used to play drunks.

[459] Smash drunk guy and everyone would laugh.

[460] It was hilarious and then suddenly, oh, it's a disease.

[461] And that was over.

[462] I know.

[463] Innocence lost.

[464] Oh, darn.

[465] But we should take a quick break.

[466] Oh, I didn't know he had breaks.

[467] Well, we don't really.

[468] We pretend to have them in the studio and then we keep talking.

[469] Okay.

[470] So it's total bullshit.

[471] Go ahead.

[472] I won't interrupt you then.

[473] We're going to take this quick.

[474] All right.

[475] We'll be right back with more Dana Koch.

[476] Let me do, see, right back.

[477] Time for the segment.

[478] Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[479] You should give it a little more pep than that?

[480] You look, sound depressed.

[481] Try it again.

[482] Now it's time for the segment.

[483] Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[484] Absolutely no difference between those two reeds.

[485] Clearly you're depressed.

[486] All right.

[487] Well, yes, this is the segment where I try and pay down the mortgage on my beach house.

[488] A beach house, by the way, I don't even get to anymore.

[489] Not only is it a huge mortgage, I don't get there because between the show and the podcast and the comedy tour, I never get to this beach house.

[490] You know who's there this week?

[491] Who?

[492] Tim Oliphant.

[493] Oh.

[494] Yes.

[495] He was a guest on the show and he was like, oh, you have a beach house?

[496] Do you mind if I stay there?

[497] So he and his wife, lovely Alexis, are staying there.

[498] You made so many bad choices.

[499] I know.

[500] I'm paying for it.

[501] And Tim Oliphant, you know, one of the best -looking actors in the history of the world, is hanging out on my deck.

[502] And I'm here trying to pay da bills, D -A -B -I -L -L -Z.

[503] Are you angry because he's there?

[504] Are he angry because he's so handsome?

[505] I'm angry that he's that good -looking.

[506] And he's at my beach house, and I'm here paying for it.

[507] But enough whining.

[508] I'm an adult, and I always pay my bills.

[509] We're back.

[510] Sitting here with, good God, a force, a force, a force of nature.

[511] Mr. Dana Carvey, George H .W. Bush, he passed away, and you wrote a really great piece for the New York Times.

[512] It does feel kind of impossible today, but a president really having affection for the person who's making fun of him and he invited you to the White House and would check in, you know, you slept in the Lincoln bedroom.

[513] Yes.

[514] And he would like lean in to check in on you.

[515] Oh, yeah.

[516] Well, when we got there, my wife went to take a shower and the door was slightly ajar, and he just burst in in his suit and tie, six foot four.

[517] How's that right down?

[518] That's going on.

[519] No, I just closed the door.

[520] I don't want to.

[521] Oh, me too.

[522] But he was very generous, and it was just surreal that we ended up there.

[523] Interesting enough, after he invited me there, I was doing Saturday Live.

[524] There's a Saturday Live party.

[525] and my wife was going to meet me at the White House.

[526] And so I ended up sitting next to Neil Young, who musically, of course, were all, you know, my God, Neil Young, you know.

[527] It's Neil Young.

[528] And he's really a funny guy, sweet guy.

[529] And, you know, I was telling him about the Bush thing.

[530] And, you know, I'd made fun of it.

[531] I'm going there.

[532] And he said, it's a human thing, man. And then he looked up, I'll never forget it, pointed at Chris Farley and said, that fat kid's funnier and shit.

[533] Sorry, it's just a non -sequitur.

[534] But Farley was the greatest.

[535] But he says a human thing, man. So when I went down there, and then I, knowing now, after seeing a lot of the people eulogizing George Bush Sr., that was the guy I knew.

[536] I mean, just incredibly compassionate, very friendly, call anyone who needed help, write letters.

[537] Yeah, it was just an amazing experience.

[538] One of my favorite, maybe my favorite impression you do is Jimmy Stewart.

[539] Yes.

[540] And because his movies live on and on, I think the impression's always going to still work because TV stars, we go and people don't know what you're talking about, you know, 20, 25 years later.

[541] But I think the Jimmy Stewart impression feels like that's a gift that keeps on giving.

[542] But that's another impression from my childhood that just gives you comfort because of the sincerity of it, you know, like his likability as a movie actor because he would be like, well, Conan, well, how are you doing?

[543] So you're doing a podcast now.

[544] I think it's terrific.

[545] I just exuded.

[546] And I, when the AFI tribute my first year of S &L, they invited me to vet Kirk Douglas, who was getting put in the, you know, and everyone was around me. Like Gregory Peck was to the right.

[547] Wow.

[548] Who I was young and naive, so my wife loves Gregory Peck and her mother.

[549] So we had to meet Gregory Peck.

[550] And Lauren Bacall had went up, I guess, to use the restroom.

[551] So we went up there like super fans to try to meet Gregory Peck.

[552] but then we heard behind us, and it was Lauren McCall.

[553] So we scattered back to our seats.

[554] But then I looked over my shoulder, and it was Jimmy Stewart.

[555] And I'd done him for years, and I went over.

[556] My shyness was overridden by, I'm going to meet Jimmy Stewart.

[557] So as I approached him, he kind of took my hand, put his hand on top of my hand, before I said anything, and he just said, I know, I know.

[558] The new what?

[559] That I was going to say of all the movies, and I can't believe it, you know.

[560] Yeah, I know.

[561] I know.

[562] Well, can I fucking tell you?

[563] Well, what do you mean, you know?

[564] I haven't even talked to you yet.

[565] But that was, you know, so.

[566] You did some, I don't know if we can do it.

[567] Feed me, Conan.

[568] I don't know if we can do it.

[569] You did a great Jimmy Stewart being orally pleasured once, and it was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.

[570] Yeah, it was again.

[571] Can we do that on a podcast?

[572] I insist.

[573] Well, you can always cut it.

[574] We're not live, right?

[575] No, no, no. I don't like.

[576] I don't like really.

[577] blue stuff in a sense, like graphic.

[578] But I love stuff that's just a little left to center and just a little so the thing that was funny about Jimmy Stewart in a car with Catherine Hepburn and having her service him was the idea that he said, all right, well, just look at it for a while.

[579] Now look away, and now look back at it.

[580] I mean, it just that part.

[581] It's a little, it's a little, yeah.

[582] Yeah, I'll just look at it.

[583] Well, don't touch it yet.

[584] Wait till I give you the signal.

[585] I'm going to pull my left earlobe.

[586] I'm sort of like Carol Burnett, but she hasn't even born here anymore.

[587] Well, Jimmy, I don't want to wait a day.

[588] I've got me Zendezias.

[589] That wasn't in there.

[590] Oh, sure, after.

[591] I don't know, this is funny, or I don't, you can't use this.

[592] I knew he'd be back.

[593] But, yeah, it was all about just look at it.

[594] Well, I'll just look at it for a while.

[595] That just made me laugh.

[596] We have a woman with this.

[597] Is it okay?

[598] Yes.

[599] Of course, it's fine.

[600] I won't be escorted from Hollywood.

[601] No, no, no. It's just silly.

[602] But, yeah, I don't like blue, blue, but I do like just weird language.

[603] You're a very, you're very tough on yourself.

[604] I know that about you.

[605] Yeah.

[606] You are extremely hard on yourself.

[607] I don't know, and I know that I'm very hard on myself.

[608] and I know that people have told me you don't need to be that way, but I question that.

[609] I think maybe that is important.

[610] Well, it's part of a, if you have drive, it's a deal that you make.

[611] I mean, you know, a friend of mine who's very hard on himself is directing the new Star Wars, JJ Abrams.

[612] And I know he's really hard on himself because he loves Spielberg and he loves Rod Serling.

[613] And so he's going to be doing the movie and he's brilliant at it, but he's always going to have to deal with this driving thing.

[614] And so for me, since I was trained as a stand -up, that you must levitate the room.

[615] I didn't know groundlings.

[616] I was up in San Francisco.

[617] So it was just Robin Williams stuff and just levitate the room.

[618] So I always wanted to kill.

[619] And so on SNL, if it didn't kill, like in the room, I would feel, I can do better.

[620] I can do better.

[621] I got to, you know, it has to destroy.

[622] But I guess it's the sword you fall on.

[623] I mean, it's interesting because your strength is your weakness, Captain.

[624] What happens is once you set your clock to, I like to kill, once you set your dial, or I need to kill.

[625] Or I'll be bad.

[626] Yes.

[627] Then anything less than that feels like bombing, even though you have people there and you can come off stage.

[628] I speak for my own experience, you can come off stage and I just be like, uh, that didn't feel good.

[629] And people say like, no, that actually went really well.

[630] Yeah.

[631] Yeah, but I'm comparing it to times.

[632] you feel like you split the atom.

[633] Yeah, and the voice in the back of your head that's observing and judging and going, well, that worked tonight, and that gets really quiet.

[634] So when that second voice shuts up, usually that's when I'm having my vest set.

[635] The entire time here, that voice has been screaming at me. I'm kidding.

[636] I can actually see.

[637] It's a little, it's a you dressed as a little devil.

[638] Yes.

[639] On your shoulder.

[640] Here's the interesting thing, because we were chatting about this briefly before this podcast started, which is, oh, you're getting a call on your watch.

[641] Yeah, it's silenced.

[642] I know.

[643] I'm not a techie, but this thing is pretty cool.

[644] Is that the eye watch?

[645] Yeah, yeah.

[646] I thought if we mentioned it, we might get one.

[647] Well, because you don't have to, if you forget your phone, you talk on it.

[648] What are you talking about?

[649] Well, it's the thing, it's on your wrist, and it tells you when to breathe.

[650] That sounds like something demented.

[651] well it doesn't tell you in a bad way it says maybe you should breathe yeah well that that sounds too vague either way you're in some sort of hell yolka would tell me to breathe she's all i needed then she'd scream uh we were talking about this we're in this world now of podcast just at this moment and what i've noticed sometimes uh when i listen to podcasts or if i've seen people that do podcasts then go out and sort of do stand -up.

[652] And I think you had seen this too.

[653] Sometimes there's this different pace, which is, well, we find it over a couple of, over an hour, we find it over an hour and a half.

[654] Different sport.

[655] It's a different sport.

[656] And it's interesting.

[657] I'm not saying, it's just very different from the way we were trained, which is you have a finite amount of time and you've got to get maximum laughs in that time.

[658] And prepare it and do it.

[659] And you have to prepare and hone and get it right.

[660] And that's what comedy writing was for me in the years that I was working for you.

[661] And in the years since then, about let's get this as great as we can make it in the time allowed.

[662] Yes.

[663] But if you take that same attitude and you're in the podcast space, you can seem uptight.

[664] You know, I did an interview with Pete Holmes and he was sort of making fun of me for trying to structure it.

[665] He's like, no, no, it's just all supposed to be anarchy and you just go and you can talk for a couple of hours.

[666] I'm like, no, it should be really good and it should be no more than an hour.

[667] His was the first podcast I did when I came back to L .A. I met him at your show.

[668] Super nice guy.

[669] Great guy.

[670] But we're going to a room and Pete is such a big guy.

[671] Chairs, everything looked tiny and it was really hot and I had no idea and it was like three hours.

[672] Well, yeah, that's why I like, I don't know, I'm always rooting for an interview should be very good and it should last, you know, 45 minutes to an hour max, but I've been in podcasts where I realized I think I've been talking for three hours and nobody's that entertaining.

[673] I should not be longer than a David, or as long as a David Lean movie, you know?

[674] Yeah, I totally agree.

[675] The thing that fascinates me about this would someone explained to me is just that, because I always say, should you have a visual component?

[676] And the idea of the headphones or the little earbuds in your ear it's like literally Conan is right next to you in your ear and then people are moving about in society like they're squeezing avocados at Gelson's to see which one is ripe and they're hearing us right now so that is a different kind of sport so it's a low threshold because they're just trying to get a fucking avocado first time I swore on this podcast trying to get a fucking avocado my mom would say you're talking rag time which means you're talking gibberish But that's one of those things my mom would always say is, you know, you're just talking rag time.

[677] It's all sixes and sevens.

[678] Talking ragtime?

[679] Ragtime meant you were talking foolishness.

[680] Yeah.

[681] My mom's voice was truly like this.

[682] Really?

[683] She was very sweet.

[684] Yes.

[685] When she got older, she'd say, do you have a spoon?

[686] When she was visiting.

[687] Well, we don't, I don't know.

[688] Well, do you have a strawberry?

[689] Well, no, we don't.

[690] We have blueberries.

[691] but I like strawberries oh my god was she a tiny woman yes did she she sounds like she weighed like less than a raisin and also when someone asked for a when someone asked for a strawberry it means they can live off that for a day yeah to her it was like a 10 feet high it was like land of the little she wanted to live in it I want to climb a strawberry I'd like to climb strawberries but it's a fun voice And then my, oh, Jesus Christ, my father, talk like this.

[692] And I remember one of the last times I talk politics with him, he goes, oh, Jesus Christ, I can't talk politics with you because you don't know shit.

[693] He said that to him?

[694] Yeah.

[695] Well, it's just a grumpy old man, you know.

[696] They want to know us, Conan.

[697] They want to know, you know.

[698] They want to get inside.

[699] Well, I would say if it's outrageous, it's contagious.

[700] And that can come and, like, maybe comedy being outrageous and also being just authentic.

[701] Well, you told me something else that I quote all the time.

[702] I quote you all the time.

[703] Really?

[704] Because you're very, very smart about comedy.

[705] You're very analytical.

[706] I think that's what people don't know about you because you're such, you can be such a silly impressionistic performer is how seriously analytical you can be about comedy and about how you think it works and how you think it doesn't work.

[707] and you have a very keen eye for when someone...

[708] I'm glad I'm recording.

[709] Yeah.

[710] But no, right.

[711] But you said something to me once.

[712] You came in and you looked at my studio and you saw how small it was.

[713] And you nodded your head.

[714] And you said, yeah, comedy compression.

[715] Yes.

[716] And I was like, comedy compression, the idea of so many people when they get a talk show, they think, I want this to be huge.

[717] It's going to be a big show.

[718] So the stage has to be huge.

[719] But as you know, comedy works best in a small environment because it's just, it's physics.

[720] Like if there's an explosion, if it's in a small space, the explosion is much more powerful and rattles around.

[721] And so when you come on my show, and I've seen you do this, you know, a million times, you'll come into the space and you will crush in that space.

[722] And when it's smaller, the laughs are just bouncing off the wall.

[723] It gives you energy, their energy.

[724] It just builds.

[725] And so I've always quoted you whenever I've been in any kind of situation where I'm going to perform somewhere.

[726] If I go into a room and it's massive and the ceiling is way up high.

[727] Not optimal.

[728] I'm like, I don't have comedy compression here.

[729] I can maybe do okay.

[730] Yeah.

[731] So you know you won't be blaming yourself when it's not quite as electric.

[732] It just won't be.

[733] It can't be.

[734] No, it can't be.

[735] The room is your partner.

[736] you can't get past a bad room.

[737] You could do okay, but then you're just working so hard.

[738] But, you know, if I do my job right for me, people will think I just showed up and I'm having a blast with very little preparation.

[739] So that's kind of the magic trick of it.

[740] My sister once when I was just happened to be in New York and Lauren had asked me, would you do the church lady on update, whatever?

[741] He told me Friday night.

[742] So Saturday morning, I'm like, okay, but there was a theme.

[743] I'm writing it in the hotel room.

[744] She just happened to be visiting me. and so she's with me the whole day so she sees the calls and the changes and this we're going back and forth all day and then the fitting and going in and then throughout the night the riders want to meet with you and come back and we're going to change this we're going to cut this and she finally and then she followed me in the church lay dress I go come with me follow me now I've got to let go of everything every analytical bone of my body and slide out on an update and just be completely free and loose so she came all with me with me saw me go through the whole thing and then back the other way where I went by Beyonce and Jay Z, high -fiving me. Well, I didn't know, Dane.

[745] She sounded like Paul McCarney.

[746] I didn't know Jane.

[747] I didn't know that it was so much to it.

[748] But like you, if your job, you do all this stuff, then you come out like Conan and Andy are just being silly tonight.

[749] I mean, on S &L in the early days, I would sometimes peek at the read -through on Wednesday.

[750] I'd go too hard or too hard in rehearsal.

[751] And then I figured out over time is to make sure as much as possible that even the dress show do well enough for it to go on the air show but save some hook or some energy so that when you're doing it on the air show that little voice is going well this is the best you've done it this week you don't want to think like it's not as good as the dress but the stuff we put I'm getting more nervous about being in show business I'm rethinking my career choice because this is just too much pressure to prepare, prepare, prepare and let go but maybe that's sort of like sex you know do you prepare?

[752] How do you prepare?

[753] I don't know it just sounded funny I had no real joke but it sounds funny so you just prepare, prepare, prepare prepare and then you have sex, Ed?

[754] I'm doing a, this is a thing I just started doing, see if you think this is interesting.

[755] But my wife will always make this sound, which it has a little hook to it.

[756] It's like if she's, we sit across from each other and we're doing our, we'll check on the web in the morning, she'll see something on Instagram, she'll go, ah, and she doesn't go, ah, she'll go, aw, where there's a hook, and it goes up.

[757] What does that mean?

[758] It's super empathy.

[759] It's like, aw, that's the woman you want to be with when you have erectile dysfunction.

[760] That is the empathetic sound of someone going aw, sorry.

[761] I don't know.

[762] And I think the rising at the end is giving hope that the penis itself will rise again.

[763] Do you know what I'm saying?

[764] Maybe.

[765] I don't know.

[766] You know what I mean?

[767] That there's a little bit of optimism to the sadness, don't you think?

[768] I don't really have erectile.

[769] But I can't think of a better line for that, but I do, I just tell women they're winning.

[770] They're winning.

[771] Men have gotten the message.

[772] We're going to be obsolete.

[773] We're just going to be out near Bakersfield in the weeds, wandering.

[774] I think all men will be in Bakersfield, California.

[775] Wandering, just low testosterone, just shrunken down, and women will evolve into six -foot -age she -beast, just giant self -impregnating beings that will dominate the planet.

[776] It's just a theory.

[777] No, I think you're right.

[778] I think men's time is up.

[779] I think, you know, not to use the time's up, but we find sexiest in a man. I think, yeah, I think you've had a very long run.

[780] You mean, us, me personally, or just all men?

[781] All men.

[782] Oh, good.

[783] You two and Matt, you as well.

[784] You're three of the good ones, but there's a lot of garbage out there.

[785] Yeah.

[786] Had that just a lot of garbage.

[787] Can you sign something that says we're the three of the good ones?

[788] No, because who knows what'll happen.

[789] You always wonder where some of the Me Too men are, you know, because they're kind of like lepers.

[790] They can't go out in society.

[791] No, and where are they?

[792] They're on Predator Island.

[793] It's near Hawaii.

[794] They got Cosby out of prison.

[795] Cosby meets you on the dock.

[796] Welcome to Predator Island.

[797] What's it like, Phil?

[798] Arnold is the host.

[799] Welcome to Predator Island.

[800] We have Predators all around.

[801] We go hunting and shooting.

[802] I won't do anymore because it's probably too much for podcasts.

[803] What are you talking about?

[804] That was fantastic.

[805] It was fantastic.

[806] Predator Island.

[807] All the Weinstein's on the hill.

[808] Let's see if we can get the clear shot.

[809] Listen to the sound of a super predator.

[810] Tom Broca, what are you doing here?

[811] I leaned in for an inappropriate kiss 25 years ago.

[812] Now I have to live on proud of it.

[813] I like you, Tom.

[814] I'll give you 10 seconds.

[815] So that's evolving.

[816] So you're saying if you did that at Largo, a small loosey -goosey theater where people are supposed to millennials thrive, they wouldn't be on the floor with that or no?

[817] Good question.

[818] That one's probably just topic -wise as edgy as I could get.

[819] So it might get them if it's outrageous, but I don't know.

[820] I like Predator Island.

[821] I think that's great.

[822] It's fun, right?

[823] I think that's great.

[824] Next week, we're going to visit Roseanne Bar and Megan Kelly.

[825] They live in Races Lagoon.

[826] Sometimes you just have to use Arnold's voice because they live in Races Lagoon is the best.

[827] Again, it just makes me happy in life.

[828] That's all I've got is comedy and my occasional dinner with you.

[829] You know what?

[830] I love our dinners.

[831] I've loved this because this has...

[832] It's been really fun.

[833] But you know what?

[834] This has been, I'll go on the record.

[835] I mean, I don't know.

[836] No, you don't, this is being recorded.

[837] He keeps holding his phone up to record me saying things.

[838] We're in a podcast booth.

[839] Well, no, I have a, it's called podcast podcast, podcast.

[840] So I just record every podcast I'm on and post it.

[841] So thank you.

[842] It's been a pleasure.

[843] As a just podcast podcast podcast.

[844] I'm hard to think of, you have given me more joy in my life through just how funny you are.

[845] And also how personally nice you've always been to me. and how smart you are about comedy.

[846] Thank you.

[847] And how, I mean, no, no, he really is.

[848] Dana is just a rare talent.

[849] You'll always have this thing that I was famous first and doing well on Saturday Night Live, and you were, quote, unquote, nobody.

[850] Right.

[851] And so we just have this relationship with that.

[852] In other words, dovetails to the theme of the show.

[853] I really see Conan.

[854] Yeah, that's nice.

[855] Because I didn't meet you when you're famous.

[856] Right.

[857] You see the real me. I see you, and it's not pretty.

[858] But I think also But no one said it was It was fun when we would do stuff And then like when Kevin and I Hatch Hans and Franz And it was Kevin had this brilliant turn Of like them becoming defensive Yeah And if you think we can't do that We could very easily stretch your body And then you especially came around pretty early And started writing for that sketch And actually could do the voice for hours And get into it And then we wrote the movie together And we really laughed That was a great script.

[859] The movie that was never made, I know.

[860] It was such a funny movie.

[861] Too much Arnold.

[862] Well, I didn't know how movie stars operated.

[863] It wasn't Arnold's fault.

[864] He had 20 movies in, you know, development.

[865] Right.

[866] And we just thought, we're writing Arnold in our movie.

[867] He'll do our movie.

[868] Sorry, fellas.

[869] He's not going to happen.

[870] They're going to do jingle out of the way.

[871] He did Last Action Hero.

[872] Last Action Hero.

[873] And that was attempted comedy and it didn't work out.

[874] And so then he said, no more comedies.

[875] See, that will always make me laugh.

[876] I don't know why.

[877] It's just something about the screen.

[878] You mean one note, yelling, I don't want the sandwich.

[879] I want the sandwich.

[880] Give it to me. This is a pure delight.

[881] Can we do this again?

[882] Let's do it again.

[883] I'm in the neighborhood.

[884] And also, anytime you want to do the John asks Paul questions about what's going on on Earth podcast, I will do that.

[885] I'll do the John part.

[886] You will do 99 % of it and I'll just occasionally say, What the full of you're talking about?

[887] Well, you know, the mid -tombs came, you know, and the Democrats go, well, we're going to get in there, you know.

[888] And they got a lot of birds elected, you know.

[889] He's got a hundred of the birds in there, you know.

[890] It's all good for equality, you know, to the house and the tip.

[891] I mean, it's like, it's just fun.

[892] Yeah.

[893] Just fun.

[894] All of them are fun.

[895] Just fun.

[896] I want to thank Jeff Bridges, Johnny Carson and Conan O 'Brien.

[897] But, yeah, we're...

[898] And Jimmy Stewart.

[899] You are just, what is it?

[900] Just look at it.

[901] Yeah.

[902] Well, now, just look at it.

[903] Well, now look away.

[904] Pretend you're distracted.

[905] That's so creepy.

[906] Yeah.

[907] Now look back at it.

[908] Just some kind of weird sexual formplay.

[909] Because she has to look away so she can look back at it.

[910] Because if she's continually looking at it, there's no break dynamically.

[911] By the way, you were going for the heartstrings, and that would have been a good ending.

[912] But, yeah, I'm really happy to have you as a friend.

[913] No one better.

[914] No one better than Dana Clark.

[915] We do operate on a lot of different levels, intellectually and comedically wise.

[916] So we have very interesting three -hour conversations with a couple of pups.

[917] What is he going to call it?

[918] I had two riki dinks up with a twist at the rusty nail.

[919] But what he did is, I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and hook.

[920] Okay.

[921] I'm ending this now.

[922] I'm filling the room with foam.

[923] Thank you for a podcast podcast.

[924] Thank you.

[925] God bless you.

[926] Dana Carvey, better than other humans.

[927] And now, it's time for another installment of Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[928] In the past, I've played true or false, where I asked a true or false question about a way in which you may have mishandled your job or your duties.

[929] But I thought I'd give you a chance to ask me a true or false.

[930] Right.

[931] Okay.

[932] So true or false?

[933] Yeah.

[934] You travel a lot for work.

[935] I travel constantly between the comedy tour and the travel shows that we do.

[936] and it's just nonstop.

[937] And I don't have the statistics to back this up, but I'm going to say about 95 % of the time.

[938] You forget something very valuable, either in a car, in your hotel room, or on the plane.

[939] And then I have to email and call a lot of people to try to track these items down.

[940] True or false?

[941] Well, I don't know that it's 95 % of the time.

[942] It's 95%.

[943] I would say it's over 90%.

[944] I think it's somewhere between 90 % and 95 % of the time.

[945] You're bringing up something that is absolutely true and it's starting to worry me a little bit.

[946] And I'm putting this out there because there might be someone who's listening who's a neurologist.

[947] I could go see a neurologist.

[948] Well, guess what?

[949] There's a way to get free medical advice and it's to talk about your issue on a podcast.

[950] A lot of smart people listen to podcasts.

[951] There's probably a neuroscientist out there listening right now and they would contact us and say, Conan, that sounds bad.

[952] I will tell you, Listening to your podcast?

[953] Just listen.

[954] Sorry.

[955] Yes.

[956] A lot of smart people are listening right now.

[957] Okay.

[958] It has been a real issue for me. I leave things.

[959] I shed all of my belongings as I travel.

[960] Uh -huh.

[961] It's just they fly off of me. So you know this to be a true story.

[962] Last night, walked off the plane, you know, get a car.

[963] I'm headed back away from the airport.

[964] Realize I left my phone on the plane.

[965] Now, if you're going to forget something, forget your paper clips, Forget.

[966] Oh, my guitar pick.

[967] Oh, I forgot.

[968] You know, I had a little bit of that sandwich left and I left it on the plane accidentally.

[969] Don't forget the most important thing is my phone.

[970] And also my phone has that little sleeve in it that has my driver's license.

[971] Yeah.

[972] My cash card.

[973] Yeah.

[974] And my credit card.

[975] Yeah.

[976] I lose it.

[977] So I turn around.

[978] I go back to the airport with the help of some very nice people.

[979] We find my phone.

[980] That took two and a half hours of me looking for a phone.

[981] And guess what?

[982] I was going to call you to ask you, what should I do?

[983] And the guy driving me had a cell phone.

[984] I don't know your cell phone number because I just punch Sona on my phone.

[985] So I don't know your cell phone number.

[986] And you've worked for me for 10 years and had the same cell phone number.

[987] I have.

[988] I am a lost child whose brain is spiraling out of control.

[989] It is.

[990] I lost my Kindle.

[991] Yes.

[992] Which I had to get into today.

[993] Well, I think we just agreed that it's gone.

[994] It's gone.

[995] And I'm going to have to get another Kindle.

[996] By the way, I don't think Kindle, they don't advertise on this show, so I'm not going to give them any free air.

[997] But maybe they will if you say something nice.

[998] It's a great.

[999] I love the Kindle.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] It's a fantastic product.

[1002] And I really do think, and now I'm missing one.

[1003] Maybe one of your neuroscientist listeners can just send you a. You know what?

[1004] I am concerned that I am rapidly losing things.

[1005] I lose things constantly.

[1006] and I'm always telling you, Sona, can you call that hotel?

[1007] Because I think I left behind my left shoe.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] And I wore one shoe on the way home and didn't notice.

[1010] I mean, this is a concern to me. And so I'm just putting it out there if there is anyone who's involved in the neurosciences, the chemistry of the brain who can help me out, I'm concerned.

[1011] I have trouble coming up with names.

[1012] It's a problem.

[1013] And I'm worried about it.

[1014] I'm hoping it's just there's a lot for me to keep track of.

[1015] and I'm a busy guy.

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] But when I lost that phone, I was so mad at myself.

[1018] Of course, I took it out on everyone around me, but that's what you do when you're angry with yourself.

[1019] You lash out at those around you.

[1020] Or you can take responsibility for your own actions.

[1021] That's funny.

[1022] Anyway, that's true.

[1023] I do lose things all the time, and I implore those of you listening right now, if you care about me, and you're doing groundbreaking research in the fields of memory, and cognitive loss, please get in touch with me and give me free advice about what to do.

[1024] Or if you've ever found anything that looks like it might belong to Conan O 'Brien, if you return it to us.

[1025] If you see a Kindle out there.

[1026] Or earbuds or headphones.

[1027] Oh, I lose those all the time.

[1028] Yeah.

[1029] Or, you know, just other electronics.

[1030] If you see any electronics out there or any device that doesn't seem to have an owner, it's mine.

[1031] It should be returned to me immediately.

[1032] I'm also missing a E -series Jaguar from the mid -60s in mint condition.

[1033] If you see one of those around and even looks like it belongs to somebody, it's mine.

[1034] And you should get that old rich guy driving it and pull him out of the car and drive the car to me because that's my car, I lost it.

[1035] Remember when I lost that E -Series Jaguar?

[1036] Yes.

[1037] Yes, very good.

[1038] Your improv training is working out well.

[1039] Yes, and...

[1040] Remember when I lost that giant jewel That just that jewel That jewel See if you're not specific If you're vague People think There's more jewelry headed my way Yeah that jewel That jewel Remember that jewel I used to carry around It wasn't even in a setting It wasn't on a necklace I used to carry it Remember that phase of my career It was like 2006 to 2009 I carried a jewel A big jewel Remember that?

[1041] Then I lost it If you see a jewel out there It's mine Send it along Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1042] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1043] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[1044] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1045] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1046] Got a question for Conan?

[1047] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1048] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1049] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever find podcasts are downloaded.

[1050] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.