Kids Interrupting? Entitled? Creating Boundaries.

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[24] Hey, everyone.

[25] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[26] And I wanted to talk today about boundaries.

[27] Like, what do you do when that child's always up in your business?

[28] Like, what are you guys talking about?

[29] Or maybe it's a boundary issue of, you know what, let's start with this one.

[30] I'm going to do three examples.

[31] Number one is this.

[32] So you've got a 19 -year -old kid, right?

[33] And this is fresh because I just came from speaking at a live event in Houston.

[34] And this great mom came up.

[35] She's like, 19 -year -old son, he's just, you know, he's just not stepping up.

[36] And he's squandering money and he's not being responsible for him.

[37] and we're just, you know, we're so upset and we're, you know, what do we do with this kid?

[38] And it's interesting because the question almost always begins with the child, but it almost always ends up being more about us as the parents.

[39] See, we all want to get indignant, right?

[40] Because I want to go to this kid.

[41] Like, you know, we all want to do this thing like, you know what, young man, need stop being entitled, right?

[42] After all we've done for you, we give you sacrifice all this and give you all these things and you won't even work hard, you squander money, you won't even.

[43] would do well at college, you know, we're tired of this.

[44] And so we want to go and dump all of our frustration out on him because that would feel really good.

[45] And look, I get it.

[46] This kid is just making excuses.

[47] It's never his fault.

[48] He's always blaming it on a teacher, a boss, someone else.

[49] I get that.

[50] But what struck me when I was talking to this mom is this isn't really about the kid right now.

[51] It's not the first order of business.

[52] If I was working with his family, he's talked to the parents say, you two as parents have to wrestle with some issues inside.

[53] Why have you continually enabled him?

[54] Why do you keep giving him monetary support and other support when he has continually shown you that he won't take responsibility for himself, right?

[55] And so he'll cry and be like, oh, I'm going to do better.

[56] I'm going to try.

[57] And he'll cry.

[58] Well, why do you allow yourself to be manipulated, right?

[59] Because all the parents won't say, like, well, he's just manipulative.

[60] Well, what's your part in that?

[61] Because you allow him to manipulate you, right?

[62] So I don't want the talk to be this.

[63] You know, for years, you've manipulated us and taken advantage of us.

[64] We've spent all of our hard -earned money, and you've squandered it, refusing to take responsibility for yourself.

[65] Well, we're done with this.

[66] See, that sounds kind of nice inside, but it's not really honest.

[67] Because if we're honest, the real talk should be this.

[68] Son, we want to apologize to you.

[69] We've sent the wrong message.

[70] See, we've been sending the message that you're not capable of being successful and figuring life out by yourself.

[71] See, we keep jumping in and saving you, right?

[72] We keep enabling you.

[73] So we apologize for bailing you out instead of letting you learn from your mistakes.

[74] Because the truth is, we've seen you step up in other circumstances.

[75] We've seen you be responsible for other people.

[76] And we know you have to fail and struggle, but we believe that you're capable.

[77] capable of fighting through that and making it work, right?

[78] And then you have to step back as the parents and you've got to look that young man in the eyes and say both with your words and your actions, we believe you are capable of handling this yourself.

[79] And then you have to do it.

[80] And because until you stop paying his expenses and bailing him out, why would he need to be responsible?

[81] He doesn't have to right now because he knows you're going to give in and he knows he's got an easy way out.

[82] And I know why you do it because you love him and you don't want to see him in pain, but strong will kids have to learn by touching the hot stove and they have to learn by failing.

[83] And as long as he has an easy way out or a lifeline, he'll never develop the internal resources necessary to be responsible for himself and to succeed.

[84] And so see how that works.

[85] It's not just about this situation.

[86] it's about us owning our part in this and having enough respect for our kids see it's a compassion i'm not mad at this kid see it's compassion i i've hurt you by continually bailing you out and what i was really saying is you can't handle real life and what i really want to say to you is you can and now i'm going to give you an opportunity to face up to it because i'm not bailing you out and you know i'm I'm doing that because I love you and I respect you and I know it's going to be really hard but you know what's going to happen at the end of it you're going to feel so proud of yourself and you're going to have something that nobody else can give you and that's called dignity and self -respect because you will fought and clawed and you will have made your way and it was hard and inside you will have that feeling for the rest of your life and it will be because it will be because you did it.

[87] And I'm sorry I didn't give you the opportunity sooner to discover that you have what it takes.

[88] See what I mean?

[89] That's beautiful.

[90] That's powerful.

[91] I love that.

[92] So second question, let's transition now.

[93] And let's say here's a common problem with boundaries in our home.

[94] See, when you and I were kids, there were boundaries, right?

[95] Our parents had a separate lives, separate lives than we did.

[96] Our parents at times went away on vacation and left the kids at home with the grandparents, and it was awesome.

[97] We had lots of time outside, away from our parents, right?

[98] Our parents, some of them drank a lot.

[99] So they weren't even that involved.

[100] So there were boundaries and time apart.

[101] Nowadays, you know every single thing your child does wrong.

[102] You know every wrong thought, every wrong attitude, everything they do because they're always inside and you're always there micromanaging them.

[103] so this isn't good for marriage and it's not good for your kids not good for the home so imagine this and look this could be a single mom saying this could be a mom but i'm going to put it in terms of a dad saying it why because i'm a man i'm a dad so imagine dad coming home and saying this and i come home to my two daughters and i say girls i love my time with you i love we play princess and print prints and we and we play make believe and we do all these fun things together I love my time with you, but I cherish my time with my wife.

[104] One night a week, I am going to light a candle in the kitchen.

[105] And when that candle is lit in the kitchen, here's what it means.

[106] That means I get 30 minutes of alone time with my wife, and you two are not invited.

[107] Now, I wasn't being mean.

[108] I didn't say, you know what, I hate you.

[109] You're ruining my marriage.

[110] You're irritating so you don't get to eat with us.

[111] Now, I'm just saying that this is how much of a priority my marriage and my wife is.

[112] that I get 30 minutes of alone time and you're not invited you know why because you're not because I get some alone time with my wife you don't get to dominate everything right and I guarantee you your kids over time will like seeing this in fact they will love seeing this and it'll make them feel very settled and very comfortable knowing my mom and dad actually want to spend time with each other now understand in the tone here it's this as well during that 30 minutes I want undivided attention with my wife, which means you are not to come near the kitchen.

[113] You are not to make a peep.

[114] You are not to do anything.

[115] And look, I don't care.

[116] If you want to feed your kids early, all they eat is mac and cheese and chicken nuggets anyway.

[117] Feed them early.

[118] Set them in front of the TV to watch a movie.

[119] Oh, I'll never use a TV as a babysitter.

[120] Really, I will.

[121] Okay.

[122] A 30 minutes of TV or a movie isn't going to kill your kids.

[123] Okay.

[124] Three hours of Jerry Springer will.

[125] But 30 minutes isn't going to hurt him.

[126] Sit in front of a movie, do something so they can be quiet.

[127] I don't care.

[128] I just want that time between you two as a couple.

[129] But here's something else in the tone, and this is part of how we do discipline and what we teach with discipline is this.

[130] It's got to be firm and even, a matter of fact, and I'll let my kids know.

[131] Girls, I get this 30 minutes with my wife.

[132] And I promise you this.

[133] You will, if you disturb us, if you interrupt us even once, you will rue the day you did that.

[134] I will be up at 545 on Saturday and Sunday morning.

[135] I'll bang pots and pans in your little ears.

[136] I'll be waking you up early and I will interrupt your sleep.

[137] And you know what?

[138] It sounds a little harsh and maybe that's a little bit overboard, but not really.

[139] You know why?

[140] Because here's what you're really saying.

[141] Don't mess with me, right?

[142] Don't mess with me. This is how important it is, is this.

[143] If you mess with my time with my wife, I will take away your screen time.

[144] I will take away your sleep time, whatever it is.

[145] Don't mess with me. Because look, sometimes we're so sweet.

[146] too sweetest parents.

[147] Girls, you know, it's really important for mommies and daddies to have time alone together.

[148] Blah, blah, blah.

[149] They don't care about that.

[150] You know what they need is a little bit of intensity of one of the adults in the home to say, listen, this time with my wife is really important and you two are not going to interrupt it.

[151] So play a movie, play downstairs, do whatever you have to do.

[152] But this 30 minutes is my time and our time.

[153] And it's really important to us, right?

[154] And there's something about that that's very settling to kids, okay?

[155] So now, funny part of this is this.

[156] It's only 30 minutes.

[157] You know why?

[158] Because you don't get to talk about the kids.

[159] And the 30 minutes is going to seem like an eternity.

[160] Because the truth is most of you haven't spent 30 minutes of alone time with your spouse in years.

[161] And you know what conversation is going to sound like?

[162] It's going to be awkward.

[163] So, honey, so some crazy weather we've been having lately, huh?

[164] Right?

[165] You're going to sound awkward because you can't talk about.

[166] the kids you've got to talk about each other and you've got to act like you're dating again okay and flirt and bring dad bring home flowers and wife be a little bit flirty and maybe wear something you know a little bit both if you look nice for each other okay and flirt with each other and make it fun like it used to be do you know how cool that would be for your kids to see instead of you two always snipping each other and not even talking with each other to see you having fun and laughing with each other, I guarantee you.

[167] Discipline around the home will change.

[168] One, because you have very settled kids and the two parents are on the same page.

[169] It's an awesome thing.

[170] So, look, if you're a single mom, you can do the same thing in a sense of, listen, I need 30 minutes of alone time.

[171] I simply want to eat and I don't want to have to talk or listen because I'm overloaded and I just want to be by myself and I'm going to put little earbuds in my ears and I'm going to listen to relaxing music.

[172] or you might have one of your girlfriends come over, right?

[173] One of your friends come over and you two just have a nice dinner and say, listen, I have friends and my friends are important to me and this is important.

[174] So once a week, I'm having a friend over and we're going to have a glass of wine or a bottle too.

[175] I'm kidding.

[176] You're going to have your glass of wine.

[177] You're going to have your time and you're going to laugh with your friend and you're going to talk.

[178] And guess what?

[179] When you get done with dinner, guess what's going to happen?

[180] You're going to be refreshed and you're going to feel like a better mom and be a better mom because you had that time.

[181] Okay.

[182] Final example.

[183] This is going to be a short podcast because I'm traveling on the road and I've got to go work out, take a nap, and I've got other stuff to do.

[184] So that's kind of jerky, didn't it?

[185] But it's reality.

[186] Look, that's self -care right there.

[187] Listen, I spent three hours with parents this morning.

[188] I'm going to spend three hours tonight.

[189] And then Casey, because he's scheduled this wrong, we've got to drive three and a half hours to Frisco, Texas.

[190] We're going to get in at 1 .30 in the morning and then be back to speak to Mark.

[191] 9 a .m. So look, part of self -care is I'm going to do this podcast because I want to help you and these are awesome ideas.

[192] And by the way, as you listen to them, you'll be like, oh, he gets our stuff and there's a selfish reason because this idea and like a hundreds of like it are on our CDs.

[193] And so go to celebrate calm .com.

[194] You'll see we've got specials on our CDs and buy our CDs because they'll change your home and you need to listen to this stuff again and again and again because it will change your home.

[195] And that's partly why I do it, but I want to help you.

[196] But here's the self -care part.

[197] I know I'm really busy on the road.

[198] I've got to go get my workout in because that really helps me because if I don't get my workout in today, I'll be a jerk to parents tonight.

[199] And I also have a nap schedule.

[200] I'm getting a nap today.

[201] And the reason I take care of myself is it's not selfish.

[202] It's selfless because when I take care of myself, now I'm able to give out to other people in a better way.

[203] So mom's dad, you've got to make yourselves a priority and make your marriage a priority and make your own self a priority.

[204] It actually helps you be a better parent.

[205] So here's one of my favorite examples.

[206] It's kind of a fun one.

[207] Many of you have that kid who's always interrupting you, like when you're with your spouse, right?

[208] Like, what are you guys talking about?

[209] What are you guys talking about?

[210] You're like, none of your business.

[211] You're like, oh, what's the matter?

[212] Don't you?

[213] You don't love me. And sometimes inside you're like, oh, right now I really don't.

[214] Right.

[215] But you love your kids.

[216] But they get in up in your business.

[217] So one fun thing that I've said to kids before, and this, have fun with this.

[218] Let's say it's your daughter doing this.

[219] Mom, you can say this.

[220] Hey, listen, we have boundaries in this home.

[221] There are boundaries between the parents and the kids.

[222] Listen, if you don't want to do boundaries in our home, teenage girl, I'm all over that for this week.

[223] So here's what we're going to do tomorrow morning.

[224] I'm going to get up and I'm going to get dressed.

[225] I'm going to get dressed kind of like a teenager.

[226] And I'm going to go to school with you and I'm even going to talk to you like you talk in these question marks.

[227] And I'm going to go to school and I'm going to walk down the hall and I'm going to say hi to all your friends and maybe I'll even hold your hand and look at lunch we'll have lunch together and then we'll get on Instagram and we'll share Instagram photos and then after school you and I can text all of your friends because I can't wait to text your friends with you and she's going to look at you like you're crazy and then you can say like oh so you do want boundaries between the parents and kids just let me know whether you want boundaries or not because if you don't it works both ways and then she's going to say, fine, keep your stupid boundaries.

[228] Anyway, it's kind of a fun way of making your point, but it's also a little bit of an in -your -face way of making your point.

[229] And I like analogies, and I like doing it that way.

[230] So, listen, if we can help you on any way, it's celebrate calm .com.

[231] Email my son.

[232] He was my strong -willed child, K -C -C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[233] If you need help, if you want to book a workshop, if you have a question, if you need help financially with any of our products, I always tell people to be assertive and ask.

[234] you can call us at 888 506, 1871, Facebook page, Celebrate Calm.

[235] We've got podcasts, videos, a little bit of everything.

[236] And check out our live events page because we do live events all over the country and actually all over the world.

[237] We're going to Prague next month.

[238] So listen, if we can help anyway, let us know.

[239] We love helping parents.

[240] It's what we exist for.

[241] And listen, you're a good mom, you're a good dad.

[242] So take these lessons, apply them.

[243] And if we can help you anyway, just let us know.

[244] Okay.

[245] Thanks so much.

[246] Bye -bye.