Nikki Glaser Returns

[0] Hi, my name is Nikki Glazer, and I feel chill about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] We've got another one.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends, we are going to be friends.

[4] Rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling.

[5] Keep those doggies rolling along.

[6] Rope and twist and brand them.

[7] Don't try to understand them.

[8] Just burn their skin and laugh and say goodbye.

[9] Sona, take it.

[10] You don't want me to sing.

[11] But you know the lyrics and everything.

[12] I don't, actually.

[13] I acted like it was because of the singing, but I don't know what the fuck the words are for that song.

[14] Hey there.

[15] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[16] We have a great podcast today.

[17] Oh.

[18] Yeah.

[19] I just feel it in my bones.

[20] There are days where I felt, nah, we don't have the goods.

[21] Oh.

[22] But those turn out to be fantastic as well.

[23] What's your point?

[24] I've never had a dud.

[25] My point is we can do no wrong.

[26] We've been blessed by God.

[27] Yeah.

[28] What happened there?

[29] I don't know.

[30] What was going on?

[31] You're fine.

[32] It was just garbage.

[33] We're working and this guy, Aaron Blair, just darted across the room and made a crazy motion.

[34] and acted like, no, don't mind me. And we are in a special zone.

[35] Yeah, her concentrate humor.

[36] I was in the midst of talking about how amazing we are.

[37] We were in the pocket blade.

[38] Yeah, what are you doing?

[39] There's a tissue in shot and you had to get it out.

[40] Yeah, what happened?

[41] You know, when we do this podcast, we talked to the control room the entire time.

[42] You know, we're chatting.

[43] I'm already bored.

[44] On Slack.

[45] And they just let me know.

[46] There was some garbage on this tool.

[47] But who cares if this garbage on the school?

[48] I don't, I'm just, I don't kill the messenger.

[49] They're telling me to get rid of the garbage.

[50] I go and get rid of the garbage.

[51] I do as I do as I don't understand what the chain of command is here.

[52] I would think that I am the captain of this tugboat, but I'm finding out that there are people in other rooms who are issuing commands.

[53] It's a podcast.

[54] Who would care if there's some stuff out?

[55] We're just living in a simulation, man. Can I just be devil's advocate for a second?

[56] What if you see the video, and then there's garbage on the stool, and then you're like, Blake, why don't you pick up the garbage?

[57] First of all, why would I ever watch this video from this podcast?

[58] How bad does my life have to be where I'm saying, honey, I'm going to go into the basement and watch a video of my podcast.

[59] So that's number one.

[60] Number two is that if there's a bottle and some papers on a stool in that video, do you think I'm going to then go on a rampage?

[61] No. No, I would not.

[62] But three, that's my tissue.

[63] I've got a delicate little running nose.

[64] Wait, I just, that was your used tissue?

[65] Yes.

[66] There's snot on it?

[67] Oh, yeah.

[68] We have COVID protocols here.

[69] You just jumped on a moist, recently used tissue in the midst of a COVID.

[70] I have monkey pox.

[71] You know, I will say when I grabbed it, I did think, oh, this is kind of wet.

[72] You said this is kind of monkey poxie.

[73] You got monkey pox on you.

[74] I'm sorry.

[75] Now he's taking it out of the trash.

[76] Well, don't put it back on the stool.

[77] Do you, what, is that even a tissue?

[78] Why don't you, I feel like that's like a paper towel.

[79] Yeah, but regular tissues, they just fall apart.

[80] I need something with a little more robust, you know.

[81] I can scratch your nose.

[82] So what do you use for a tissue?

[83] These hand towels we have in the bathroom here are fantastic for blowing your nose.

[84] Oh, that, wait a minute.

[85] You're using the hand towels in the bathroom to wipe your nose?

[86] Not like Terry cloth.

[87] They're not cloth.

[88] They're just, you know, like heavy duty.

[89] No, I use those.

[90] I don't put them back.

[91] I think you do because I went in there the other day and there was some.

[92] And I always like to take off my shirt when I go in the bathroom and rub whatever tissues out all over my chest.

[93] Wait, I use those now.

[94] So I'm blowing my nose on your body musk?

[95] Yes.

[96] You rub them and then you put them back?

[97] I put them back carefully.

[98] And then I blow my nose and put them back.

[99] It's a thing I do, which I was a little reluctant to talk about because I thought it'd be judged.

[100] But I love nothing more than finding tissues that have been used and rubbing them over my chest.

[101] It's very sensual and mysterious.

[102] Okay.

[103] Nothing I just said is true.

[104] I don't want people stopping me on the street and saying, why do you do that?

[105] I do not do that.

[106] Do you think people thought you were serious?

[107] I think about 18%.

[108] Okay.

[109] Because I said it with great authority.

[110] And also, now that I mention it, it sounds sensual and cool, and I'm going to try it.

[111] What if we say?

[112] You're moaning coming from the bathroom.

[113] You don't have to do it.

[114] Wait, that's not more like a ghost that's one having an orgasm.

[115] That's a haunted orgasm.

[116] Oh.

[117] What?

[118] Nothing sexy about that.

[119] I know.

[120] I love a ghost having an orgasm.

[121] Don't do as I did in life.

[122] Who are they coming from?

[123] Lo, it's making them orgasm.

[124] Where are they coming from the afterlife?

[125] No, like coming as in C -U -M -M -I -N -G.

[126] I said it and it was a little crass.

[127] But what's orgasming them?

[128] Oh, the ghost prostitute.

[129] Yeah.

[130] Oh, right.

[131] Okay.

[132] Yeah, what if ghosts just hang around and they're, because they can hang around and just watch everything, they're totally just getting off.

[133] Right.

[134] And they're creeps.

[135] We think they're there.

[136] in this scary way, but it turns out they're just loitering.

[137] First of all, they're loitering.

[138] They haven't been invited.

[139] They're in your personal space.

[140] They see everything and they're like, oh, oh, oh, wait, are you haunting me?

[141] Are you, no, orgasm.

[142] I'm not haunting.

[143] Don't stop.

[144] Keep doing your taxes.

[145] You're doing the most mundane thing and the ghost is, it's so hot.

[146] could declare those dependents.

[147] Yeah.

[148] A ghost that finds mundane things erotic and is constantly orgasming.

[149] While you're just around the house trying to make some chicken noodle soup.

[150] Oh, tear the packet that makes the flavored broth.

[151] Boy, this ghost is really getting us.

[152] Ghost is constantly.

[153] Let's be exhausted.

[154] And because he's a ghost, he's never done, if you know what I mean.

[155] You know, he just goes and goes and goes.

[156] All day, he doesn't need to recharge.

[157] No. He's just ready to go instantly.

[158] Is that what ectoplasm is?

[159] Yeah, pretty much.

[160] Oh.

[161] Now you'll never watch.

[162] I know Ghostbusters is probably your favorite movie, but I bet you'll never watch it the same way again.

[163] Are you kidding?

[164] I'll watch it, but not the same way.

[165] Nice.

[166] Oh.

[167] What?

[168] I love ghost jiz.

[169] Oh, okay.

[170] Then that's fine.

[171] We should get started.

[172] Yeah, we should get started.

[173] It needs to end.

[174] It does need to end.

[175] Orgasm and ghost coming soon to a theater near you.

[176] You know, normally we do a segment.

[177] I don't think we're going to do a segment today because we have so much to talk to Nikki Glazer about.

[178] She's a terrific guest.

[179] She's one of our favorite.

[180] She's wonderful.

[181] She and I have a kooky chemistry, so we're clearing the decks for Nikki, my guest today.

[182] Of course, a hilarious.

[183] comedian whose latest comedy special, Nikki Glazer, Good Clean Filth, is available to stream now on HBO Max.

[184] Nikki Glazer, welcome.

[185] We've talked many times, and we are simpatico.

[186] And a lot of people wouldn't think we would be, you know what I mean?

[187] Because we're such different types in some ways, you being an attractive person.

[188] No, you know what I'm saying?

[189] You're, you know, I just, it's funny how you and I, gel so nicely.

[190] It makes sense to me because, I mean, I've gone over this so many times, but the first time I saw you and was exposed to your comedy, it just everything made sense and kind of came into focus for me in terms of the weird kind of things I thought that I only thought were funny or it just, everything made sense.

[191] It just felt like the first thing that I found that was like my thing at that age.

[192] That's cool.

[193] That could make me feel less weird.

[194] So I'm saying Here we go There it is That makes more sense I like when you said When you first exposed Your comedy to me It's just on the edge Of being super creepy Yeah Or viral Well with male comedians I always start the sentence That way And then you never know Where it's gonna go I was a young girl And I was in St. Louis Cullen came to town And exposed himself comedically What?

[195] You know we've talked a lot And there's so much to talk about And you're having so much success and whenever you're out there killing it, I'm happy for you because you're a good person, and I root for you.

[196] But I want to go back to talk about St. Louis, because you come from St. Louis, and I swear to God, that's got to be key.

[197] That's got to be key to your origin story, don't you think?

[198] And I live there now, too.

[199] Oh, you moved back?

[200] I move back there.

[201] I moved back during, so during COVID, it kind of, I was doing your show when everything kind of shut down.

[202] My parents were out here.

[203] Again, it sounds like you're blaming my show.

[204] I was exposed to the coronavirus.

[205] I'm constantly exposing you to things.

[206] And I was out here doing your show and my parents were with me because they're huge fans and whenever I can, I like to bring them along.

[207] And the world was shutting down and then I just went back to St. Louis with them because I figured my apartment was in New York but I put these fucking straws.

[208] You just keep bumping into that straw, don't you?

[209] Yes.

[210] Let me just to describe it.

[211] what's happening.

[212] We're providing these metallic straws because we're trying to save the oceans, which is, I think, noble of us.

[213] But those straws are very aggressive.

[214] They stick out quite a ways.

[215] And every time you gesture with your hand, you go slamming into it.

[216] And this will end up in the ocean.

[217] You're getting vodka all over me. So I went back to St. Louis, because that's where my parents live.

[218] And the world was shutting down, and I was kind of scared.

[219] And I just stayed there.

[220] And I lived with my parents.

[221] for 10 months.

[222] I don't understand.

[223] Listen.

[224] You are.

[225] You are.

[226] Things are going good.

[227] Things are going very well for you.

[228] I have to tell you I love my parents.

[229] Yeah.

[230] But if I move back in with them, I would take my own life within three days.

[231] And I mean that with so much love and caring, but I would.

[232] I would.

[233] I was thinking about doing that very thing within three months, I think, was the time frame for me, where it was got real dark.

[234] And it's just that we're not meant to go back at that point.

[235] No. So, and you are much younger than me, obviously, but I don't see how you could handle that.

[236] I was like 35 or 36 when this was all going down and things were going well.

[237] Like, you don't move back in with your parents unless you're broke or Asian, you know, as an adult.

[238] So it's, it's acceptable.

[239] I'm sorry, I'm just checking my notes to see if we're in trouble here.

[240] I don't think it's a, I think it's an Armenian too.

[241] Yeah, it's a cultural thing, Mary.

[242] I think it's sweet, but.

[243] Or the oldest child in a. a Catholic family.

[244] Yes.

[245] Computer coder.

[246] Anyone who's really into Dungeons and Drag.

[247] Yeah.

[248] But I was doing it because I was, I was scared of being alone.

[249] I saw comedy clubs are going to shut down the places I hang out to not feel alone.

[250] And so I just was like, I need mommy and daddy.

[251] I mean, it really was me being scared.

[252] I slept on my parents floor until I was like eighth grade.

[253] Like, I was a scared child.

[254] So I think I just reverted back to being horrified, wanting to be.

[255] with mom and dad thinking it was going to be a couple weeks and then it ended up being 10 months and I only moved out because it just got sad to tell people that I was living with my parents.

[256] It got too embarrassing.

[257] But I was having a good time.

[258] I mean, they're usually, when you live with your parents as an adult or you visit home, they're usually sick.

[259] You're seeing this like sad side of things.

[260] But my parents are still really vital and fun.

[261] And so I was having a great time, but I had to move out and I was too scared to go back to New York or L .A. I was scared to go back to where I would feel constant pressure to be out.

[262] every night doing stand -up comedy, saying yes to every podcast.

[263] I was just, I couldn't stop saying yes to things.

[264] And so I kind of stayed in St. Louis to stay away from my drug, which is work.

[265] Okay, so let me ask you about St. Louis, because my experience, I don't know if you've been on any of these trips, Sona, this may have been before your time, but there were a bunch of times where I had to go as part of an affiliate trip to different cities.

[266] And I think three different times I went to St. Louis.

[267] And every time I said, well, I want to see St. Louis.

[268] And they would say, walk down to the arch.

[269] And I would walk down to the arch and kind of look around and they'd say, you got it.

[270] Whoa.

[271] Is there something part of St. Louis that people aren't showing me?

[272] Yes.

[273] What were they trying to hide from me?

[274] Because I kept saying I want to explore.

[275] And they always sent me in the same direction every time.

[276] Go down to the arch.

[277] It's so cool, but it is limited out there.

[278] It's very cool, but there's a park.

[279] Yes.

[280] And there's a plaque that says John Ham sat here.

[281] And that's it.

[282] And, you know, you get to sit where John Hamm sat and it feels very John Hammie.

[283] And then you move on.

[284] But other than that, I thought, why do they keep directing me down to this?

[285] It's a nice spot.

[286] But that's it.

[287] There's other places, too.

[288] We've got a nice park, forest park.

[289] It's bigger than Central Park.

[290] That's really nice.

[291] We've got a cool children's museum that people go to as a destination.

[292] called the City Museum.

[293] There's cool places, but it's spread out.

[294] They're little pockets everywhere.

[295] So I think that, yeah, I think they just wanted to keep you just down by that arch because it is a cool structure and it isn't, people think like, oh, can you drive through it?

[296] Like it's a redwood tree, but no, it's gigantic.

[297] You can't drive through it.

[298] You walk under it, but it's huge.

[299] You can go up in it.

[300] You can go up in it.

[301] There's an elevator or something that...

[302] A small elevator that it has to...

[303] It shifts as you go so that you're not turning sideways as it goes.

[304] So it shifts.

[305] It feels very rickety.

[306] It's from the 60s, I believe.

[307] And then you get up there, and it kind of sways back and forth.

[308] Nothing built in the 60s is safe, including myself.

[309] That was just a bad era.

[310] Whenever someone says, no, you're fine.

[311] It was built in the 60s.

[312] Don't get on it.

[313] Did you hear you've been recalled?

[314] I've been recalled many times.

[315] I've been recalled over and over and over again.

[316] But no, that is...

[317] Yeah, wait.

[318] I've got to ask you about...

[319] this affiliate thing because I heard you talk about this when you were breaking down like the history of late night and how it came to be you go on these you go town to town to talk to affiliates to get them to put your show on to make nice with them and it's it's something why okay this is me as an old timer telling you how things used to be sure which is when you got a big TV show you needed to go to parties where the affiliate people from the affiliate heads would come together and it was like a convention for them and they wanted to see the stars And I mean, they wanted to see the friends.

[320] They wanted to see before the friends.

[321] They wanted to see the people from Wings.

[322] They wanted to see the people from Frasier.

[323] Anyone who was on NBC, they wanted to see them.

[324] And these things, I couldn't chart the history of network TV, starting from when I got into it in 93, and these parties were massive.

[325] I mean, giant ice sculptures of NBC peacock and drinks named after all the different shows and goodie bags.

[326] And by the time, and massive stars at the time.

[327] like Kelsey Grammer and, you know, at the time, Bill Cosby, people were there, and he had his own drinks, he was handing out.

[328] Oh, no. No, no, they were, anyway, my point is, they'll clean that up.

[329] I'm moving it to the front, yeah.

[330] I've had so many of those.

[331] And then I'd wake up dressed as Lord Fauntleroy.

[332] This isn't my outfit.

[333] But they had these massive affiliate events.

[334] And then I swear to God, by the time I left, they, you know, by the time I'm getting out of it, it was cash bar, you know, we tried to get a puppet for this event, but Alph said no. You know, it really was sort of.

[335] All growth lead back to Al. And he's 20 years out of doing his show and he still won't do it.

[336] And he still wouldn't do it.

[337] And he's an inanimate puppet.

[338] They just didn't even want the guy who worked Alf.

[339] They just wanted Alf.

[340] Alf said no. But I mean, it was just an, it was, so I saw the whole thing.

[341] But I was still part of that time when you had to go and talk to affiliates.

[342] And I remember it as late as 2009, going to Oklahoma City.

[343] And they had me get on a horse and, like, ride it around the, I mean, you felt like you were running for a national office.

[344] But would they not air your show that is a part of the lineup if you don't go?

[345] No, no, no, they would.

[346] but it was a way to, you know, be a team player.

[347] You know, in retrospect, it seems insane because now we live in this different world where they're streaming and, you know, no one's going town to town.

[348] Hey, folks, let me tell you about the Conan show.

[349] Gather around, gather around.

[350] Bring the kids.

[351] Now, let me tell you something.

[352] Any questions here, yes?

[353] Well, it'd be on the television.

[354] Yes, it will, fam.

[355] It will.

[356] We're self.

[357] Yeah, we're self.

[358] Well, Alf couldn't be here.

[359] Boo.

[360] But he's inanimate.

[361] I know.

[362] It's just a fucking potty.

[363] I know he couldn't make it.

[364] Where's out?

[365] Do you have any puppets?

[366] No, we don't.

[367] But it was just a different time.

[368] So that's what you did.

[369] But, yeah, it's just so funny now that it would never occur to me. And when I talk to younger people about the old days of television, it's just so strange.

[370] They act like I'm a fossil, but that's what it was like.

[371] Do you miss that time?

[372] Or is there things about it that you're like, oh, I'm so glad that kind of stuff is over?

[373] I'm happy that it was so much extra work that no one ever saw.

[374] You know, there was all of this work and chasing around and talking to people.

[375] I mean, I did it before.

[376] I mean, I did it in 93.

[377] I did it a couple of times throughout those years.

[378] I used to have to call affiliates and check in with them.

[379] But I was always on the verge in the early years of getting canceled.

[380] So you would do anything they said.

[381] They would say, call these people, and I would get on the phone and go, hi, I'm doing, we're my best on the show.

[382] It's not performing that will, and I'm a, I know, I know.

[383] But it was, yeah, those were those were grim times, but I'm glad that that's done.

[384] And I think that seems exhausting on top of doing a nightly show.

[385] Yeah, there was a sick part of me that kind of liked it.

[386] I'm kind of, I have a political side in that I like to work a crowd.

[387] And I like to press the flesh and I like to, I almost take it as a challenge.

[388] So sometimes they'd turn me loose on a room and I would just go through the whole room.

[389] And I just enjoy, there was part of me that liked it.

[390] But ultimately, it was energy that you were expending that wasn't going into the creative product.

[391] And that was ultimately, I think, not, not terrific.

[392] Would you ever find yourself so tired that your comedy would shift meaner as, What's a Conan that's suffering on burnout look like when you're thrust?

[393] Well, everyone here in the room just, their soul is like their body.

[394] I know.

[395] I mean, I should ask you guys.

[396] That's like, you're sitting with Stalin and his, you're sitting with Stalin and his Politburo.

[397] And you're saying, hey, Stalin, is we for a time when you get a little crumpy and what's that look like?

[398] And everyone else, Bukharin, Khrushchev.

[399] No, no, he's always happy.

[400] Always happy.

[401] Always great.

[402] He's good guy.

[403] Fun at party.

[404] Never killed my wife.

[405] Yeah.

[406] Well, one time, but not second wife yet.

[407] No, I don't, I think I'm maybe, well, Sonia, you can speak to this because you know, I'm a master of passive aggression.

[408] Oh.

[409] And so.

[410] Yeah.

[411] I don't think I've ever seen anyone do passive aggressiveness like you.

[412] And so it's weird because I've been told it can be quite.

[413] funny, you know, I was raised.

[414] You can't directly confront anyone, so I would never say like, Nikki, you know, you just screwed up and you're in big trouble.

[415] I would never do that.

[416] Why wouldn't you ever do that?

[417] Because I just don't come from that culture.

[418] What's the fear?

[419] Oh, the fear is anger is toxic and truth is toxic.

[420] Yes.

[421] So one of the things that I noticed, if I, when I was younger or even into my teen years and early 20s, if I said something kind of like truthful around my parents, my mom would be like, don't be mean.

[422] Like, that's mean.

[423] The truth is mean.

[424] The truth is mean.

[425] So everyone needs to perpetuate various myths.

[426] And I think that's, so what happens is I think we hyperdevelop, this is my breakdown, every culture has their way of doing it.

[427] But I think one of the reasons that Irish people are funny is because it's all they'll allow themselves.

[428] The Irish Catholics are, at least the branch I come from, we're not the type to say, hey, I really didn't appreciate what you did in there.

[429] That made me feel this way, and it wasn't a good feeling.

[430] So we need to talk about that.

[431] That's the last thing you would do.

[432] Now, thank God I met Liza and we got married because very early on, she was like, this thing you're doing?

[433] I'm not loving it.

[434] What is it?

[435] Is the real problem?

[436] And I'd go, um, well, I was, it was funny, yeah, it's kind of funny, but what is it really?

[437] What's really going on here?

[438] And I'd go, you ate the last cupcake.

[439] And you wanted that cupcake.

[440] Is that what you, then say, I was hoping that I could have that cupcake.

[441] Wow.

[442] I kind of was hoping I could have that cupcake.

[443] And so anyway, but she's my wife.

[444] Yeah, she gets to do that.

[445] But that's scary to do even before she's your wife, just for me. And I have this problem where, because I have the same thing where I think that I can't ever, say anything critical of someone else because then they'll just come back at me. Well, you are this.

[446] Yes.

[447] And my biggest fear is you're ugly.

[448] I think that my therapist is always like, because I think some boy in fifth grade called me ugly because I had an opinion about something he said to me. Well, you're ugly.

[449] Shut up.

[450] You have buck teeth.

[451] And so now I never ever criticize anyone because I think they can always pull that card or like the meanest thing that maybe not, it's not ugly anymore, but it's whatever I think about myself that I think maybe other people haven't caught on to.

[452] if I find out that they've seen that and they know that, then I'm done.

[453] And I'm so scared in a romantic relationship and I'm doing better at it in my own.

[454] But in early stages of one confronting something and having them say, I always just think they're going to say, well, that's the way I am.

[455] So if you don't like it, then go.

[456] And either I have to put up with it and then I'm just the one putting up with things or I have to leave and I don't want to do that.

[457] So it's easier for me to just say nothing.

[458] I can relate to what you're saying on this because my issue is if I'm going to confront someone, I better be right.

[459] Oh, I got to be right.

[460] And my biggest nightmare is saying, you know, if I said, hey, Nikki, I just don't like it.

[461] You've been on this podcast three times.

[462] And each time you've been on the podcast, you've done this thing.

[463] Oh, I'm already like, this is hypothetical.

[464] This is just, not even hypothetical.

[465] I almost was going to, you know, turn to gorely, but it would probably be something real.

[466] Yeah, I was worried.

[467] But I like you so much.

[468] I can't even manufacture it.

[469] So what I'm saying is, but, you know, you've come on the podcast three times and each time you did such and such you might then say to me a Conan I've been on the podcast once and and then I'm wrong and I would go into and and and so there's what I think my people do is we we keep score quietly so I don't want to confront you because what if you have a really good comeback yes I'm in it now if when you leave the room, Gourley or Sona says, did you notice that, I noticed you got really tense at that one point.

[470] I'll be happy to tell them why I'm not happy with you.

[471] And if they say, well, walk out there and tell Nikki, I'd be like, don't, shh, shh, shh, quiet, don't, don't, don't, don't, here she comes, here she comes.

[472] And so I think, that's how I used to be.

[473] I've gotten a lot better just chipping away through therapy, cognitive therapy, wanting to be different, I think, which is the big thing.

[474] Yeah, tracing the thoughts, seeing, I mean, I mean, you could, I'm a big believer in cognitive therapy because it's so logical, which is when you're panicking, write down on a sheet, on a legal pad, what is it you're afraid will happen?

[475] And then one of the things you'll write down is, well, I'm afraid that this person will say that I'm ugly.

[476] And in that moment, that feels real to you.

[477] Walk away, 20 minutes later, come back, look at the list of things that you're really afraid, and you're going to say, those things are going to look stupid to you.

[478] You're going to say, I'm not ugly.

[479] I'm demonstrally a very attractive person.

[480] So that's just stupid.

[481] Once you're removed from the thought for 25, 30 minutes, and then you see it written down on paper, you see how empty it is.

[482] You know, I'm afraid Conan won't speak to me. Well, no, he's not like that.

[483] That's not going to happen.

[484] I mean, actually, it could.

[485] And guess what?

[486] You are right on the edge.

[487] But no. And afraid, I wish.

[488] Garley keeps trying to get that.

[489] Damn it.

[490] I called him a dirty rotten Mick.

[491] He still has me back.

[492] Are you just leaving this list of things out around your house?

[493] Aren't even to stumble.

[494] Yeah.

[495] I'm not in the fridge.

[496] Sometimes I want people to find them so I write down fake.

[497] Yes.

[498] I'm too good a lover.

[499] My penis is too big.

[500] And hoping that people will find it and go, Oh, you shouldn't be.

[501] Yeah, I think that that's a good way to do.

[502] Looking back on it, how ridiculous it is, because I know this all sounds ridiculous and all these fears I have, but it is interesting to be so scared of confrontation and so scared to stand up for yourself unless you know you're right, which is why I like, I really enjoy being vegan because I just know I'm, it's the only thing I'm sure about I'm right about, and And it's just, and I don't get, I'm not like one of these people that will make you feel bad about eating meat.

[503] I'm not like that, but it is the one thing, the only thing, maybe I'm certain of that I'm right about.

[504] I have a thing.

[505] I only eat meat that committed a crime.

[506] Great.

[507] Yeah, I, I, there's a place as a service that will get you, a cow that trampled someone, a pig that attacked a dog.

[508] And so they're tried, they're fair trial and they have representation.

[509] and then they're murdered or put to death.

[510] Oh, I would like that.

[511] Yeah.

[512] I'd stand behind that.

[513] Yeah.

[514] I love eggs.

[515] Those are a little tricky because what did the unborn egg do?

[516] But I believe life begins at hatching.

[517] Sometimes I think maybe the animal that we are eating, eight animals in a past life.

[518] So it's paying for it.

[519] No, my way, because I do love, I love eating.

[520] I'm a meat eater.

[521] I love meat.

[522] It's good.

[523] I am very good at coming, and very imaginative it coming up with horrible things that that cow did, you know, that entitle me to this wonderful steak.

[524] Yeah.

[525] And that works fine for me. All of your, all the cows you eat are Hitler.

[526] They're racist.

[527] I eat racist animals.

[528] And conversely, I look at a salad and go, that salad's done too much good in this world.

[529] Yes.

[530] I can't take it out.

[531] Oh, my God.

[532] Yeah.

[533] Yeah.

[534] I must set it free.

[535] Yes.

[536] He's always setting his salads free in the wilderness, and he doesn't understand that they can't go anywhere.

[537] So I was like, go, Salad, go.

[538] One day.

[539] Live your own life.

[540] Do a little.

[541] You know, isn't it funny to me?

[542] It's this very strange thing that happens again and again and again, where I'm taking, and you're such a good example of it, Nikki, where what are the things you fear?

[543] Criticism, you feel someone's saying something to you that's going to be hurtful.

[544] There is a side of you that just wants to go and probably being, in a room where you don't have to deal with anyone who might be unpleasant or hurtful.

[545] And what do you do?

[546] You become a stand -up performer and you are out there all the time.

[547] That is this weird duality that fascinates me. Me too.

[548] Because I know it all too well and I have proof, which is I have a letter I wrote to the author E .B. White in 1980 when I was, what, 17, 16?

[549] And I wrote on this letter and I said I'm really interested in writing and trying to creative stuff, but I'm just so afraid of criticism.

[550] And then what do I do?

[551] I'll replace Letterman from the security.

[552] I'm sure that, you know, and I knew, so why do we seek out the thing that we most fear and relive it again and again and again?

[553] Because I think we're trying to prove the thing we think about ourselves wrong.

[554] You know, like we're trying to, we think we're inherently not really that funny or entertaining or deserving of love.

[555] So we are trying to prove that wrong to ourselves by doing the thing that will, if we achieve enough, we'll be convinced of it, which is another paradox because no amount of adoration or acclaim.

[556] I mean, I can't speak for you, but I always feel like I'm just tricking everyone.

[557] I mean, imposter syndrome, which is a common topic for any performer to struggle with, but why?

[558] And I think there's something about stand up for me, though, that it's not interactive.

[559] If you listen to my stand -up, I rarely have any kind of lull.

[560] I do not like a lull ever.

[561] I don't take my time.

[562] I'm so scared, I'll get heckled.

[563] You're not funny.

[564] You suck.

[565] I used to like you.

[566] I had one guy at a show say, I used to like you.

[567] I was a fan.

[568] This sucks.

[569] Because I mentioned, I like had a Pence reference during, you know, it was right before the 2020 election.

[570] And it just triggered him.

[571] So that was what that was.

[572] But, man, that was my biggest fear.

[573] I used to like you.

[574] Who's that excited about Pence?

[575] I know.

[576] Either way.

[577] Either way.

[578] I know a guy.

[579] It's like, you can shit on Trump.

[580] You can shit on the Supreme Court.

[581] But don't you dare mention Pence.

[582] After Pence.

[583] Yeah, it was, um, that just sets me off.

[584] I hate that.

[585] Yeah, it was.

[586] And that's what happens.

[587] I try never to talk about, um, Trump on stage because I don't want to know who likes him, because I don't want to, resent any parts of my audience.

[588] And so I just don't want to know if I don't hear someone laugh at a certain so I try not to.

[589] But there was just some reference about, you know, I was talking about in high school I didn't kiss a boy until I was like 17.

[590] I was a prude.

[591] Like I was scared of boys because my mom told me my mom's sex talk for me was that like if you're ever alone with a boy, they'll rape you essentially is what she said to me. Like just to scare me. That was her bedtime story.

[592] Now good night.

[593] Click.

[594] You don't look like you slept much last night, Nicky.

[595] What happened?

[596] Because dad tried to come in and tell me a story after you, mom.

[597] Yeah, I was terrified of boys.

[598] And so I just compared myself to, because it was true, I never was alone with a boy in a room all through high school.

[599] I said I was like the Mike Pence of my graduating class.

[600] Like I wouldn't share a room with the opposite sex.

[601] And if I did, I would have to go tell mother.

[602] And that's all I said, but this guy got up and in the middle of the show, I used to like, I believed in you.

[603] And that was even worse to me than he just...

[604] Was it, Mike Pence?

[605] I know, I was wondering.

[606] Was he at the show?

[607] I loved you!

[608] He doesn't stand up for anything.

[609] And where's else?

[610] Where's out?

[611] I just like Pence likes your earlier, early, really dirty stuff.

[612] Your hunk about your vagina was fantastic.

[613] But what is this?

[614] Why did you bring me into it?

[615] It is that.

[616] It's that.

[617] Like, that's why I just am, joke, joke, joke, joke.

[618] I can't ever have any time where they're just listening to me without a laugh because I need constant validation.

[619] Like, okay, I still have them.

[620] I still have them.

[621] I watch Chappelle or these comedians that can take their time and really just like walk you through.

[622] You know, even watching Norm, especially on your show, just being able to just walk you through and have patience with you becoming bored almost.

[623] Right, right.

[624] Boy, I can't do that.

[625] The panic.

[626] Well, you know, the other thing is, I'm going to jump in like I'm your therapist and say.

[627] Please.

[628] You're saying you can't do it.

[629] You can do it.

[630] Yes.

[631] You can do it.

[632] And you aren't funny because you move, because you're so well defended.

[633] That's not what makes you funny.

[634] Well, it's true.

[635] Well, don't you think that we are funny because we are defending ourselves?

[636] Well, what I'm saying is whatever, I think there are plenty of things that go into the mix and most of it happened early on.

[637] As your friend, I promise you, you don't need to change a thing, but you can breathe into it more because you've earned the right.

[638] You know, you've been around for a while and you've really, you've paid your dues and you're really funny and people know who you are.

[639] And yeah, people come and go.

[640] I'm sure I've shed fans that liked me in the 90s and then there are people that I've had people that really have told me pretty much.

[641] I really wasn't into you at all, but now I like the podcast.

[642] and I'm very cruel to them.

[643] They're wrong.

[644] They're wrong.

[645] No, no, no. But for whatever reason, for whatever reason, I used to hear something like that and it was like a poison pill or a thorn under your skin.

[646] And then later on, as you go on, you just, I don't know, you just realize I don't have the energy to hang on to that kind of stuff anymore.

[647] It's too exhausting.

[648] So I do think you've, at this point in your career and in your life, you've earned the right to not be on stage thinking, I've got to get through this so no one screams, you suck.

[649] Yes.

[650] And also, I would point out, if you were doing your sat and someone screamed out at you, you suck and everyone heard it, you would be so funny.

[651] Yes.

[652] It would be the highlight of the show.

[653] Because then the rage comes out.

[654] But also, because they're wrong.

[655] And you would have fun, you know, the voice that, you know, earlier in my career, someone shouted out, you suck, it had the ring of, well, they might be right.

[656] There's such a good chance they're right.

[657] And that's the terror.

[658] Yes.

[659] But when you know they're wrong, you know, or they're not specific.

[660] I would say to someone who yelled at me, I, yes, I do suck, but in what specific ways?

[661] You better have the, because there are specific ways in which I suck, you know?

[662] Yeah.

[663] I think most of the time you're right.

[664] There really aren't.

[665] No, there's a lot.

[666] Why did everyone go with no. No, no, we all want specifics.

[667] Should we do a list now?

[668] No one's specific.

[669] but Gorley just produced a Santa Claus list that unfolded and it's rolling down three flights of stairs and out onto Larchmont Boulevard.

[670] People are adding to the list on the street right now.

[671] There's a huge line.

[672] People have never even met you.

[673] People are stapling new pieces of paper to it.

[674] The list is now reaching continental, the continent of Asia.

[675] It's reached the, it's gone across the Pacific.

[676] Wow.

[677] Well, let's get started.

[678] All right, let's go through.

[679] It's like a CBS receipt.

[680] Yeah, but anyway.

[681] It's a coupon.

[682] I've come up with a list of your faults, Conan.

[683] When are you going to be done with that?

[684] It keeps on scrolling.

[685] But anyway, I appreciate that.

[686] And I think you're right.

[687] Like, there are things I am.

[688] I do think I've done it long enough.

[689] If you do anything long enough, I just feel like, okay, I'm an expert at this point.

[690] I've got my, I've close to my 10 ,000 hours.

[691] So it's undeniable.

[692] But there are things within that, I guess, that losing it, I guess, would be a thing.

[693] Oh, God.

[694] Which you can't, you can do out of laziness thinking you have it.

[695] so well that you don't need to try anymore, things that I think I've fallen into sometimes.

[696] That's, that's, I think people that think, uh, I always entertain the possibility that when I go up on stage or I go out in front of people that it will not go well.

[697] I always entertain that possibility as a, as a, this is a real outcome.

[698] I'm an RAF pilot.

[699] I'm taking off.

[700] Yeah.

[701] Yeah.

[702] There's a 60 % chance I come home safe and there's a 40 % chance this doesn't go well.

[703] And I, I, I don't return.

[704] So that is something that I think about.

[705] And I, entertain that, but maybe just as I'm getting older, I'm thinking a little bit more about, well, if I did lose it, I'll come up with something else.

[706] Yes.

[707] You know, I'll learn a craft.

[708] Yes, I have that too.

[709] I have other goals.

[710] Refrigerator repair.

[711] They can take it away and I'll be okay.

[712] I really feel that way, especially after living with my parents for 10 months, I was really thinking if I get canceled at any point, like, I canceled myself, kind of in my mid -30s and lived with my parents and kind of disappeared into St. Louis.

[713] So it's not that bad.

[714] I'm going to start.

[715] It could start a bird rescue.

[716] I just start playing guitar.

[717] I really am into that.

[718] Like there's other things that I'm into, whereas before I was so obsessed with stand -up, it was all I had.

[719] What if you start rescuing birds and then the birds go online and see what it is you said that got you canceled?

[720] And it's a bird joke.

[721] Yeah, it's a bird joke.

[722] Oh, the avian flu isn't that funny.

[723] What?

[724] I lost a cousin.

[725] We're out of here.

[726] That's a joke you did like.

[727] in 2006 that you almost forgot about and the birds find out.

[728] Let me ask you about, because I'm obsessed with you host, and I think you're also involved in the production, you're an executive of F -boy Island.

[729] Yeah.

[730] And I know that Sona will never speak to me again if I don't bring up F -boy Island.

[731] Oh, God, I love F -Boy Island.

[732] And we know that short for, is it Fine Boy Island?

[733] It's fuck -boy.

[734] What?

[735] Yeah.

[736] I thought it was Fine -Boy?

[737] Well, that's what my mother told me. She's a big fan.

[738] They're really fine boys.

[739] Some of them are.

[740] I say it short for fragile boy.

[741] Oh, very nice.

[742] Because that's what the where it comes from.

[743] Nice.

[744] Yeah.

[745] So fearful.

[746] Now, how involved are you in choosing?

[747] Because it's how many women?

[748] So it's three women who are looking for relationships, looking for love, and then there are well, we lost a couple this year.

[749] They're supposed to be 15 and 15.

[750] To a terrible disease.

[751] We lost them to fire.

[752] It is really hard to contain F boys.

[753] I got to tell you.

[754] When they're in Cabo and the PAs that we're hiring to make sure that they don't get out and get out into the community, I mean, they got out.

[755] And so we lost it out.

[756] Wait, so wait a lion preserve.

[757] How many?

[758] How many?

[759] Let's be clear about this.

[760] But how many boys is it?

[761] It's 15.

[762] It was 15 and 15.

[763] So it's 30 boys.

[764] 15 are nice guys that.

[765] That means that, you know, they say they're nice guys.

[766] There's no way to really check, but we...

[767] They've cast themselves as nice boys, kind of.

[768] And they, you know, we do check and make sure that they're like, their mama's boys.

[769] They've been in good relationships.

[770] Their ex -girlfriends don't have bad things to say about them.

[771] They're looking for a relationship.

[772] And then there are guys that are there for the followers, the clout, the money prize at the end.

[773] If you get to the end and convince this girl that despite being an F boy, you are actually ready for a commitment, you have a chance at a cash prize.

[774] And then, or, you know...

[775] How many escaped?

[776] They were like...

[777] They did escape.

[778] Two or three.

[779] That means me that they really did escape.

[780] It'd be great if you were driving and you just saw one run across the highway.

[781] No, really?

[782] We'll let you tell the story.

[783] I would really, like, I would be driving around Cabo and I would just go, is that Garrett?

[784] What is Garrett doing?

[785] I go, Garrett, get back to that way out.

[786] He looks hungry.

[787] So Garrett or any of these, so there's at least 15 boys.

[788] They were 15, but now on this show, it's third.

[789] We had to, I had to do, you know, change the.

[790] voiceover to their 13 F -boys and 13 nice guys but there were two more of each.

[791] So they've just, they lost either to be boring and they got cut or they literally like went out and partied and got hookers or so, you know like these guys really party.

[792] I mean they're used to like they're used to having multiple women a night like you just basically said you called him in on the carpet and go excuse me when we hired you fuck boy we didn't intend for you to be out fucking now you signed here a document that says I promise to be a good fuck boy and you are out a fucking and a sucking you don't really have a legal you don't have a legal like when we brought you to Cabo to fuck we didn't think you'd go into Carbo and fuck if anything they have a legal case against you put them up at like you know a holiday and express next to Sammy Hager's Cabo Wabobo.

[793] It was calling to them.

[794] I mean, we tried to, like, put them a little bit more off campus, but they kept breaking off campus.

[795] And getting out.

[796] Stay in the library.

[797] Finish your thesis.

[798] That's a huge part of these shows is keeping these reality stars contain.

[799] Wow.

[800] So, you know what I love?

[801] You know what I love?

[802] It's so funny to me that you've got basically 15 testosterone, I'm sure, good -looking, hot F -boys who are just, I mean, and then they get loose.

[803] They get loose.

[804] Wait, what if they blend with the population and they have to introduce another type of like fuck girl to try to take down the fuck boy how they do snakes in the Amazon and things like that, you know what I mean?

[805] Like the natural ecosystem there is way.

[806] You are putting way too much thought into this.

[807] I'm telling you, this is why I'm not a fuck boy.

[808] This is.

[809] There's another reason.

[810] Is it one that I don't know of?

[811] Well, you smoke a pun.

[812] A corn cop pipe.

[813] A affectations like that.

[814] So I'm curious.

[815] It's just fascinating.

[816] What, because you know, do you think there really are people that are looking for a real relationship?

[817] No. Exactly, right?

[818] Well, here's the thing.

[819] This is what I do believe about these shows.

[820] And I begged for this hosting job.

[821] Like, I wanted it so bad because I've always, I've always watched these shows, enjoyed them more than any other show.

[822] And I really fall for it.

[823] Like, I do believe these people fall in.

[824] love and there's always a part of me that goes, are they really?

[825] But they really are.

[826] Like, these shows, when you're put into a bubble where you have no, you have no cell phone, you have no family or friends to talk to, all you're doing is going on dates and all you're doing is talking to the other guys or the other girls that you're with about the guys and the girls that you're interacting with.

[827] And every interview you do with a producer is like, so Ryan really likes you.

[828] How are you feeling about him?

[829] Like, I saw you light up when you talked, like, you, you quickly fall in love and it is not fake.

[830] Like, it's, it really is a press.

[831] pressure cooker for deep love.

[832] I mean, I see these people fall really, really hard, and it's real.

[833] And I feel it, and I get chills during elimination ceremonies.

[834] I tear up.

[835] And I know, it's called F -Boy Island.

[836] I know how stupid this is.

[837] I saw the casting tapes.

[838] Like, but it really, these people leave the island devastated or in love.

[839] It's like, it really does happen.

[840] It's like a experiment in a way.

[841] Yeah.

[842] It's like a zoo.

[843] It is.

[844] When people say that reality shows are fake, it bothers me because the same.

[845] scenarios are fake but the emotions these people are not that good of actors it would be impossible the emotions are real we're just no one watches two pandas mate and is like that's so fake you know and it's like no well we put them there and they're gonna mate eventually well when the female panda has an orgasm I'm like no yeah you can tell when a female panda is really having an orgasm yeah yeah um So, would you, and I know that you're a producer on this and a host, and so you have clout, would you consider at all letting me be one of the F -Bo?

[846] Hold on, let me say it.

[847] Letting, it's F -boys and Conan.

[848] So everyone knows, it's me. I'm not playing anyone else, but it's me as me. I talk to my wife who will happily give me a hall pass.

[849] She wants me out of the house.

[850] And I'm there, but I'm myself.

[851] Yes.

[852] I'm totally myself.

[853] You would kill, I mean, you, they would love.

[854] you.

[855] No, they wouldn't.

[856] Honestly, Conan, they would.

[857] Yes, they would.

[858] I have no, when I take my shirt off, there's no, there's no six pack.

[859] There's nothing like that.

[860] It would be a jarring juxtaposition to the men that we have.

[861] I'm not going to deny you.

[862] But you're so tall.

[863] That is so nice.

[864] And you're so famous.

[865] You have a great head of hair.

[866] You have a nice body of, you would do fine.

[867] And first of all, you're famous.

[868] These guys, we have, so on season two, we have one person, or a couple people that you recognize from season one.

[869] And these girls, when they see a guy from season one, I mean, it is like, Brad Pitt, you have such an advantage for being a little bit known, so you kill.

[870] But I would do a lot of what I would, I would just say, and I'm Conan O 'Brien.

[871] And I wouldn't even, after that, I would just totally name drop.

[872] I wouldn't, I would try and just ride the fact that they knew who I was, if they knew who I was.

[873] But can you fuck?

[874] Yeah.

[875] Yeah.

[876] Well, that's an issue.

[877] You don't have to do that.

[878] That's going to be a problem.

[879] That's going to be a problem.

[880] Yeah.

[881] And not just because I'm married and I love my wife.

[882] There's another issue.

[883] It's a surgical problem.

[884] But there's a doctor in Prague who says he can fix it.

[885] I bet there's one in Cabo, too.

[886] The one in Cabo isn't really a licensed doctor.

[887] I've seen the work.

[888] It's fantastic.

[889] You would be so fun on the show.

[890] My God, we need you.

[891] It does crack me up, the idea of going down the long line of guys and then me. And I have no shirt on, and I'm my age with my coloring.

[892] They love it.

[893] And I'm just playing it totally like myself.

[894] The funny guys kill on the show.

[895] Are you shirtless or do you have like your long UV protection shirt on your bucket hat?

[896] I think I would have the stuff I were at the beach that I've always said makes me look like Rose Kennedy on Hayansport.

[897] And I'd have the zinc oxide on the nose.

[898] And the giant crazy sunglasses that block out, sidlight.

[899] So I've got that.

[900] And then some kind of weird orthopedic shoe.

[901] that's also been built for the sand you know for arch support but I'm there but then the whole time and I'm constantly talking about the things that interest me like you know like on a date yeah I'd be talking about like these weird historical facts and I'd be talking about things that I find interesting like the Robert Carroll books on Lyndon Johnson and then every now and then I just turn to camera and say but I'm down to fuck I would love Anytime I take them on a date I bring a large book with me Oh my God You should have your own spin -off Fuck Boy Manor Welcome to Fuck Boy Manor Is there much fucking around here?

[902] Not really We discouraged that You had a great tweet That right when F Boy Island came out about, oh, God, it was some, what's another, what's your go -to, the landmass?

[903] Archipelago.

[904] It was archipelago.

[905] Oh.

[906] So, it was, it was a good, it was.

[907] Oh, good.

[908] It was great.

[909] Your Twitter is so damn funny.

[910] You don't have someone writing those for it.

[911] You do.

[912] Oh, God, no. I know you would never do that, but they're so good.

[913] Who would have other people come up with ideas, too?

[914] It's so good.

[915] It's so good.

[916] Let's just say there's some collaboration.

[917] But I want you, I want you on the next season.

[918] I want you at an elimination.

[919] ceremony.

[920] I want to call you down Conan.

[921] So you had a date with Mia this weekend.

[922] Yes.

[923] Mia seems, did you have fun, Mia?

[924] She did.

[925] She had a great time with you ziplining.

[926] How did it go for you, Conan?

[927] How are you feeling about Mia right now?

[928] I tore my rotator cuff.

[929] My body weight, when I had to hang from the zip line.

[930] See, this is what turns me on.

[931] I couldn't I could hear it tear because I can't support my own body weight.

[932] But Thank God, Mia, she managed to get me to the infirmary right away.

[933] You guys seem to have a connection.

[934] My fireman carried him.

[935] Thank you, Mia.

[936] You're welcome.

[937] When you fireman carried me to the emergency station.

[938] Tamaris has reasons to doubt you, though, that your intentions with Mia might not be completely true.

[939] Are you here as an F -boy?

[940] Yes.

[941] I'm not sure I understand.

[942] You say no. You've got to say no all along.

[943] You've got to convince.

[944] But I want them to know that I can F -if.

[945] if called to F. Said like a Tirlap boy, you can't even say with the word.

[946] Shit me, let me make it quite plain though not an F boy in intent if called to F oh, I shall F repeatedly and with great vigor I will F to the right F to the left.

[947] Tonin, where are you wearing a monocle?

[948] I have sight difficulties stop pointing that cane at me. Lauren, why are you wearing a 1920s strawboater hat?

[949] Now, I want to ask you about, because you have this new stand -up special.

[950] Nikki Glazer, Good Clean Filth, and that's coming out.

[951] I think it's July 16th.

[952] Yes, Saturday, July 16th, and it'll be available on HBO Max, along with F -Boy Island season two.

[953] I find you absolutely hilarious, so I'm looking forward to seeing this show.

[954] was this material, how long did it take for you to come up with this material?

[955] Oh, man, I mean, I'm not, I don't kind of write like other comedians do.

[956] I just kind of do whatever I'm doing at that time when the special shoots.

[957] So it's, I'm always pulling from like, and I'm not trying to sound braggy here, like three or four hours of jokes that I haven't done anywhere.

[958] That's great.

[959] In a, in just a thought bubble above my head, and I kind of just grab it and I don't have anything written down ever.

[960] I just, if I have a traumatic brain injury, it's all gone.

[961] it's gone.

[962] I have no, I don't write anything down long form.

[963] And so specials are really hard for me because I have to kind of think, okay, what am I going to open with?

[964] Because I like to just go treat it like a grab bag when I'm up there.

[965] Like we were saying before, there's something about thinking I might bomb.

[966] Like this might not go well.

[967] I don't have this completely planned out that I kind of like.

[968] I like being scared up there.

[969] I like the edge of it.

[970] I think that's what drew me to stand up was like, am I going to be good at this?

[971] And then as soon as I got proficient at it, it got kind of boring.

[972] And now I like to give myself little challenges, and that is going up completely unprepared or going to towns, and I, 15 minutes before, I decide to, like, roast the town, so I'll just, like, Google interesting facts, and then I'll write a bunch of jokes.

[973] And I think it's a little bit of a safety nut for myself, whereas if I don't do well, I can be like, well, I didn't prepare.

[974] Or I just looked it up.

[975] Like, there's that excuse.

[976] Preparing before I go on stage, it's not why I like stand up.

[977] I don't like looking back on it.

[978] The special was supposed to come out in part, but I couldn't look at my, I I just saw so many mistakes and so many things I could have done better and stuff that I go, why didn't you say it this way?

[979] You say it that way every time and you had two chances to do that night.

[980] Like you tape two shows or why didn't you make this face that you usually make?

[981] Oh, why didn't you just think two minutes harder on that one joke to make it an A instead of a B minus?

[982] Just things like that.

[983] It's just perfectionist stuff.

[984] And so that's why I love stand -up live is because I never have to look back at it.

[985] And this one was really hard for me to edit.

[986] But then when I put it all together, I was, I'm actually, I'm really proud of it.

[987] And I hope it's something that I hope, this is a weird goal to have, I hope young teenage girls and boys sneak it.

[988] They shouldn't watch it.

[989] It is not for you.

[990] And I can't actually say that you should watch it.

[991] But I hope that it's something younger kids sneak because it is, it's something I feel like there is a void of actual information about sex and what it's actually like and out there for kids.

[992] We're curious.

[993] I mean.

[994] Can I get a convince copy?

[995] I think you're not.

[996] But no, I think, first of all, I think one of the things I like so much about you is that you are very, very honest about the struggles that you've had.

[997] And we've talked about it before on the podcast.

[998] And anyone is listening now and hasn't heard my earlier podcast with Nikki.

[999] It's just, you know, we talked a lot about.

[1000] your childhood and things that you struggled with, you're so honest about it.

[1001] And I think that's crucial, especially for young women, to find out that the things that they're worried about are, you're very successful, and I think a lot of people look up to you.

[1002] So when they understand that you went through a lot of those things that I think young women struggle with, and still go through them.

[1003] And that's the other thing, too, as I remember years ago, someone asked me, when do you finally get over being nervous?

[1004] And I said, I've got bad news for you.

[1005] it doesn't really go away.

[1006] That's, I mean, honestly.

[1007] But that's important.

[1008] It's so important to tell people that.

[1009] You showed me that too, because I project a lot of perfection onto you.

[1010] I always will.

[1011] I've said it before.

[1012] You're the funniest person that I've ever known of and ever will know of.

[1013] You're number one.

[1014] And anyone who knows what they're talking about.

[1015] I actually was talking about this last night with my boyfriend because I was talking about how nervous I was to come on here.

[1016] It's just like having a lot of self -doubt yesterday, just in a depressive mood lately.

[1017] And you just start going, am I in all those things?

[1018] things.

[1019] Right.

[1020] And I was talking to him and he goes, he said, you know what, will you just trust me that I think you're one of the funniest people ever?

[1021] And I think you trust my opinion of who is funny.

[1022] And I said, yeah, you're right.

[1023] And you know what?

[1024] I know more than anything that I know that he knows who's funny.

[1025] So I am going to trust him.

[1026] And I also know, I might doubt my own funniness, but I do not doubt my own sensibilities when I can say what is funny and what is not funny.

[1027] I am as right as a vegan on that one.

[1028] I know what is what, and you are the funniest.

[1029] And so for me to see you, I think the first time I saw that kind of side of yourself that you've shown a lot more was in your documentary, where it was like, oh, this person who I think has it all together couldn't be any funnier is doubting himself and is overworked in all of these things and is an actual human being, you would think that that would maybe make it worse for me because when I see, it's almost like seeing when models say like, oh, I'm, I feel ugly some days.

[1030] shut up your model or like you feel fat like shut up bitch but there's I kind of like it because it makes me realize that obviously they're not seeing things correctly so maybe I'm not seeing things correctly we all have we all have there's a famous medical term body dysmorphia yes and I've talked about this I think several times and maybe even with you but I think um there is a documentary that I saw once and there's a young woman who's struggling with eating disorder and she's so thin and they ask her she stands in front of a mirror and they give her a magic marker and trace the outline of your body, and she traces way outside her body.

[1031] She's not faking it.

[1032] That's really what she sees.

[1033] So this is, I mean, it's horrifying.

[1034] It's such a powerful insidious illness, but that's what this person sees.

[1035] And I've thought, when I saw that, I thought, you know, there's also career dysmorphia.

[1036] It's something that I really believe in, which is, and I see it all the time, people that think they haven't accomplished anything.

[1037] They're not any good.

[1038] it's the wrong side of the perfectionist gene.

[1039] Perfectionism is really good at taking you up the mountain, but then it takes you down.

[1040] It takes you the other side, and you need to find a way to part with perfectionism.

[1041] You need to find a way to let it go at a certain point because that way lies madness.

[1042] You start second -guessing everything to the point that your work isn't good.

[1043] It starts to lose its joy.

[1044] it starts to lose its spontaneity.

[1045] And it's illusory goal.

[1046] There is no perfection.

[1047] There is no thing.

[1048] So you'll never reach it.

[1049] I had a great person tell me once.

[1050] They asked me what it is.

[1051] And this is early in late night.

[1052] And then they said, well, what is it you're trying to accomplish?

[1053] And I said, I just want to be perfect at this.

[1054] And the person said to me, the only perfection is death.

[1055] Like once you're dead, you're done and you're complete.

[1056] And it's perfect.

[1057] And so I murdered her.

[1058] Oh, geez.

[1059] Now you're perfect.

[1060] I killed her.

[1061] And I said, you're welcome.

[1062] And you owe me 800.

[1063] $100 because you're perfect.

[1064] And then I was tried, but I got off because they read what she said.

[1065] Asking for it.

[1066] Yeah, she was pretty much saying, kill me. But I think that is true.

[1067] I think it's very important to me, especially, I mean, I have kids, but I have an 18 -year -old daughter.

[1068] And I just, I really like her understanding that everybody's trying to figure it out.

[1069] And it never stops.

[1070] And I, you know, women, I think, have it, it's so, it's so hard these days online the way everyone's presented.

[1071] The filters that are now, you don't even have to choose a filter.

[1072] When you go to your Instagram story, it's a filter already on your face.

[1073] It's already.

[1074] It's already figuring things out.

[1075] It's already making you see yourself in a different way.

[1076] Wait, I don't look like that then.

[1077] I know.

[1078] Sorry, poorly.

[1079] I'm sorry to tell you.

[1080] You just come out as Bert Reynolds' 1977.

[1081] I would just take it.

[1082] Are you kidding?

[1083] Oh, my God.

[1084] It's Smoky and the Bandit Burr Reynolds, which is why every time you post, yeah, it's fantastic.

[1085] It's great.

[1086] When I take, my Instagram filter won't let me send a photo, which just says no. How dare you.

[1087] Yeah, it says maybe just write a note.

[1088] I'm like, you Instagram?

[1089] You're all about, aren't you about photos?

[1090] Write a note.

[1091] Can I text?

[1092] Handwritten photos.

[1093] It's very embarrassing.

[1094] It's blood.

[1095] So are you going to be able to watch this special.

[1096] will come out.

[1097] Can you sit?

[1098] I don't want to I don't want to pray.

[1099] I watched this with my parents the other day.

[1100] Oh, you watch this with your parents?

[1101] Because I was like, this is a good promotional tool.

[1102] I'll put my, because my parents are hilarious.

[1103] People know them.

[1104] I did a reality show for E this past spring called Welcome Home Nikki Glazer.

[1105] First season is out on E. I'm trying to wait for a second season.

[1106] I made the show with my parents.

[1107] They're hilarious.

[1108] They are stars.

[1109] And it was so nice to like see them in that light.

[1110] They're so much funnier than I am.

[1111] And I was for the first time totally okay with that.

[1112] Just being like the straight person with this chaos around me. So I sat down and watched it with them.

[1113] And it was really sweet because it's really uncomfortable material.

[1114] I told my mom beforehand, you know, what do you fear?

[1115] What's your biggest fear?

[1116] And this is interesting.

[1117] I don't think I've ever shared this before.

[1118] I wonder if you relate, if any of you relate.

[1119] My mom is so proud of me. Her pride comes from, people love you.

[1120] I just can't believe it.

[1121] They love you.

[1122] Yeah.

[1123] I just like going to your shows and looking at people just love you.

[1124] I just can't get over it.

[1125] She's shocked people like me. And she doesn't realize.

[1126] she's saying I can't believe it and then people like you and those to her separate statements but to me they are in a bouquet of dead flowers that she's giving me but it's like it is she can't believe she's just she is so insecure about what people think of her that she was her biggest fear was that I was going to say something because I was trying to get at the root of it I ended up like trying to make this promotional video that was just fun and I was like but what is the fear what am I going to say what's the worst thing I can say she's like I just eating ass something And I was like, well, you know I have a bit about that.

[1127] You've been to my life show before.

[1128] It isn't about eating ass.

[1129] It's about actually how that's, it seems like I'm doing a joke just for the shock value, which is what I hate, how female comics get dismissed for all they talk about is sex.

[1130] And of course it's shocking and of course by itself it would get a laugh.

[1131] But it's, I would never just talk about that for the sake of it.

[1132] It's about overcoming a fear, really, because everyone should be terrified to do anything like that.

[1133] But my mom goes, you'll say something about eating ass.

[1134] And I go, well, I do.

[1135] What's the fear then?

[1136] She's like, I don't know.

[1137] And I go, is it that people will think they will watch that and go, her mother must not have done a good job if she's doing that.

[1138] And she's like, yeah.

[1139] And I'm like, but I'm famous.

[1140] And people pay to see me and I'm making money doing this.

[1141] And I'm freeing people from feeling stigmatized about things they've done sexually.

[1142] And she just can't, she can't believe people like me. It's really adorable.

[1143] And I've stopped feeling offended by it and just embraced it and said, That's sweet.

[1144] And I know that she's projecting more than she really thinks I'm unlovable.

[1145] Well, no. I think what she's, I mean, it's so clear that she, like a lot of parents, has a terror that if you're talking about these things, then this is somehow an extension of, you know, that she had an ass -eating class for you when you were 11 years old.

[1146] Which, by the way, I encourage a lot of parents, hello, is this thing on?

[1147] Yes.

[1148] No, but she's afraid of what they're going to think.

[1149] Everyone's thinking about themselves.

[1150] And so your mom is talking about herself.

[1151] She's saying, you're saying these things, and I'm worried about how that reflects on me. And, you know, there was even a part in my reality show where I said, you know, I wish I could be a porn star.

[1152] I mean, that's something, like, I wish I could do porn.

[1153] I wish I had the freedom to do that without the judgment of it and the stigma being, you know, kicked out of the business.

[1154] I don't want to do it because I want to titillate or I just, it's a freedom of expression almost.

[1155] And I was just saying it just to be funny.

[1156] We were having a conversation.

[1157] And she called me later and said, you need to take that out.

[1158] Even the idea that people think that you would want to do that.

[1159] I can't have that out there.

[1160] It's so embarrassing for me. And it made me, it makes me sad.

[1161] I feel like those are the types of things that I think that's why I talk the way I do on stage about sex and I'm so open about stuff is because it wasn't talked about in my home.

[1162] it was very shame to even mention sex or anything.

[1163] I remember one time it dawned on me that my dad maybe had had sex before my mom or been with women before my mom.

[1164] I don't know.

[1165] I was like 11.

[1166] And I think I was trying to maybe entertain my cousin.

[1167] It was next to me in the car.

[1168] We were driving to Michigan.

[1169] It was the car we had just started the ride.

[1170] And I was like, um, dad, did you ever have sex before mom?

[1171] And he never responded.

[1172] It was just silent the rest of the way.

[1173] He might have been counting.

[1174] but he, he, it was a silent for a 70 -hour run.

[1175] 77, 78, 79, 80.

[1176] But it was just so, you just couldn't talk about sex.

[1177] And so now I think it's obviously I'm rebelling against that.

[1178] And because I want, I think I was scared of sex.

[1179] I had a lot of shame around it because of what I didn't know.

[1180] I either knew from what I learned in school, which is just nothing that's real.

[1181] I wanted to just know, like, who makes the first move?

[1182] How do you do that?

[1183] What do you do when you kiss?

[1184] How do you move your mouth?

[1185] I would just study Can't Hardly Wait over and over that scene in the train station with Ethan Embry and Jennifer Liffewitt, I know that you lift your eyebrow after the first, you go kiss and then you lift your eyebrow.

[1186] That's all I knew to do.

[1187] I just wanted to know, I was the last of my friends to do anything sexually.

[1188] I had trouble doing that so I tied threads to my eyebrows.

[1189] I saw the thread dance on it.

[1190] Yeah, and when I had my first kiss, my girlfriend at the time saw me lifting the little threads to make my eyes go up.

[1191] And that ruined it.

[1192] She was like, what the fuck?

[1193] cubit free.

[1194] It's weird.

[1195] That was a strange thing to do.

[1196] So then I hired someone else to hope so.

[1197] Smart.

[1198] Oh, that's better.

[1199] And I made sure I only kissed under an overpass.

[1200] There was a little bridge.

[1201] And I had to, I got a really good puppeteer.

[1202] Smart.

[1203] And he was right there.

[1204] And at the key moment, he rift, but he tore them up.

[1205] Oh.

[1206] Such a fuck boy.

[1207] That's where they went.

[1208] Yeah.

[1209] Classic fuck boy.

[1210] Classic.

[1211] Classic.

[1212] Class of boy island.

[1213] And F .way Island, I'm going to have, I'm going to have, I'm going to show up.

[1214] And the first day no one's going to know is going to have two long strings attached to my eyebrows.

[1215] We'll always get you on the beach.

[1216] right under a lifeguard stand.

[1217] It'll be going really well with, you know, one of the girls, Tammy, and I'll say, we've got to get to a small bridge.

[1218] What?

[1219] No, I'm really feeling something.

[1220] To the bridge.

[1221] You can always tie one to your penis for those issues.

[1222] Exactly, exactly.

[1223] Trust me. Trust me. That's another thing I'm writing this down right now.

[1224] Is that a second puppet operator?

[1225] No, no, it's a union thing.

[1226] There are people that do eyebrows and there are people that do the penis.

[1227] I see.

[1228] And you cannot get one guy to do both because you're in so much struggle with the union.

[1229] There's a picket line, and it's not a pleasant picket line.

[1230] I like that.

[1231] I first go like, eyebrows, initiate.

[1232] Then they go, and then I'm like, penis, up!

[1233] And the guy's there, he's got a little winch.

[1234] This is, honestly, this happened to me on.

[1235] I had a show called Not Safe with Nikki Glazer on Comedy Central.

[1236] It was about sex and dating.

[1237] There was a segment we did where we were trying to give men like a makeover for their dickpicks.

[1238] And it was all just a bit.

[1239] Like, we were just trying, we put, we built these, we had our art department built these diaramas where they would have little holes in them.

[1240] And then the penis would go through and it would be like a penis in a bathtub with cucumbers on its eyes with a little like shower cap on, like enjoying something.

[1241] You're giving it a nice motif.

[1242] Yes.

[1243] Or in Paris.

[1244] And it would be riding a bicycle with a baguette in the back.

[1245] Maybe the penis is the baguette.

[1246] That's what I thought it should be.

[1247] And they go, we can't, that was my idea.

[1248] Thank you so much.

[1249] No, a lot of penises.

[1250] I've been to the gym many times and I see a lot of baguettes out there.

[1251] Every now and then you see a cinnamon roll You're looking and you're just Yeah, and I'm thinking about bread So what do you think when you have an actual baguette?

[1252] Oh, I'm like, I got to get this in my mouth.

[1253] I got to get this in and then out And then in and then out Just eat the baguette What's your fucking problem, sir?

[1254] You've got to leave this pen quichetian immediately.

[1255] It's the seventh time this week you've been in here flating a baguette Oh, God.

[1256] Sorry, I forgot where I was.

[1257] We lost a lot of customers, but then we've discovered we now have a lot of new customers.

[1258] The baguettes last longer.

[1259] The diaramas we built, okay?

[1260] The art department, it's the night before the shoot, and we've found people on Craigslist to do this, to offer up their penises, which will be blurred out, but we found these, like, you know, ex -porn stars, just dudes on Craigslist who are down to be on camera, putting their penises in these things.

[1261] The night before, we're, like, kind of running how it's going to work, and we realize the diorama, if someone's trying to put their penis in it, they can't get their penis to, like, go, like, they can put it through the hole, but after positioning it or putting the little cucumbers on it, they can't reach around because the diorama is so big.

[1262] So someone has to do it, and there was no one to do it.

[1263] And I'm the host of the show, so I go, oh, my God, Nikki.

[1264] I said, I'll do it.

[1265] Oh, guess I'll do it.

[1266] It was really traumatizing, to be honest.

[1267] with you.

[1268] If you can see me in the scene, it's still online.

[1269] But I just convinced myself I was a doctor and I had to take this old man's penis and put it in a bathtub, put cucumbers on, like played with a flaccid penis for a scene.

[1270] And the whole time I'm like, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, and these guys are just, and they're trying to keep themselves hard throughout the day around set as we're like, breaking for lunch.

[1271] If it comes a wreck, don't the googly eyes shoot off.

[1272] It is hard to keep them at ease.

[1273] The little hats fall off.

[1274] Yeah, that's the problem.

[1275] You get it all set up.

[1276] Trust me, I've done this.

[1277] I've done this.

[1278] You get everything just right.

[1279] The little beret and the little bicycle.

[1280] And then you get excited and quat -wang!

[1281] Yeah.

[1282] You've got eyes and berets flying around the room.

[1283] And if you stand up in a bathtub like that, you could slip and fall.

[1284] Oh, yeah.

[1285] We had a mat down.

[1286] You took it to an erotic place.

[1287] Hey, man. Make sure you have grab bars.

[1288] One man's safety measures, another man's turn on.

[1289] Let me have it.

[1290] Damn it, we have, we've, are we out of time?

[1291] We ran out of time, I think, half an hour ago.

[1292] Sorry.

[1293] This is going to be an extra long one.

[1294] I'm sorry.

[1295] You're sorry.

[1296] That's a good problem.

[1297] You're a busy man. No, I'm.

[1298] No, this is way better.

[1299] I can't wait for your book, by the way.

[1300] Nikki, this is a dream come true.

[1301] This is really funny and great.

[1302] But also, I'll say it again.

[1303] I, I, it's always very funny when we talk, but I do, I do a plan.

[1304] you for being so open, I think, about things that you have, you know, encountered in your journey.

[1305] And I think that would be a real balm for, you know, young people out there.

[1306] Yeah.

[1307] Because they do look up to you.

[1308] They do think you're really funny.

[1309] And this is, it's good for people to understand where this all comes from.

[1310] I just told whoever you're with now, I'm not prying or anything.

[1311] But I root for you to be with a really good person.

[1312] He is.

[1313] This is Garrett from Fuckboy Island.

[1314] Garrett!

[1315] That's what I say.

[1316] But has it been a while now?

[1317] With my current boyfriend?

[1318] Yeah, we were together.

[1319] We met nine years ago.

[1320] We started that show Not Safe together.

[1321] I met him on a show.

[1322] He was a behind the scenes kind of guy, producer on it.

[1323] And then he ended up being from St. Louis.

[1324] I met him in New York.

[1325] We were both from the same town, grew up, you know, a mile and a half from each other.

[1326] That's great.

[1327] And then when I moved back for the pandemic, we had been broken up by then for five years.

[1328] But he moved back to him.

[1329] we just started hanging out his friends.

[1330] And then when my reality show started taping, it was kind of pitched as like, this is going to be you on the scene dating in St. Louis.

[1331] And he did not want to be on camera.

[1332] He's not that kind of guy.

[1333] He's on a radio station in St. Louis on like a hit radio station.

[1334] Like one of the hosts of it, his name is Chris Convey.

[1335] It's called The Courtney Show.

[1336] But we were just casually hanging out, you know, like exes do or you're just like, what else is there to do?

[1337] And he was like, I don't really want you dating other people.

[1338] I'll be on this show.

[1339] So he took a leap and was on a reality show and went to, therapy with me on the show.

[1340] It was really vulnerable and it was he's lovely, a huge fan of yours.

[1341] In fact, I talked about this on Inside Conan.

[1342] I know we have to go, but I just have to say on Inside Conan, he were such fans of yours and we watch you all the time and for a while we were on a really big Brian Stack kick of Artie Kendall, the singing, the crooning ghost.

[1343] And for his 40th birthday last year in September, I contacted Brian Stack because we had become friendly on Twitter and I said if I write you a sketch to do as this character I'll pay you what he did it for free he revived the character of Artie and I got to write a call I got to write a late night that's great Conan O 'Brien sketch which is a dream of mine shout out to Brian Stack who's one of the funniest people ever and kindest yeah very nice and works for Stephen Colbert now and his wife is also amazing Miriam really yeah Miriam is a terrific performer so I just want to give them shout out and props well I do you know you just have to come back more often because it's so much fun talking to you and I love you I love you love you both so much I love you love her an honorary chill chum I would you don't have to but you don't know what it would mean you said chill up front I think so I think you're a fuck chum wow an f chum I'll take it wow totally take it what do you think about smores I love them.

[1344] Okay.

[1345] Okay, this is over.

[1346] You're out.

[1347] Now we have to expand the Supreme Court and get a fifth charm.

[1348] Jesus.

[1349] Thank you for being here, Nikki.

[1350] Thank you, Conan.

[1351] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1352] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1353] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1354] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1355] Incidental music by Jimmy Vee.

[1356] Vivino.

[1357] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1358] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1359] Engineering by Will Beckton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1360] Got a question for Conan?

[1361] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1362] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1363] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1364] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.