E33: Firestarters for Men- Owning Your Shadow

E33 Introduction

In Menswork, there is always talk about working with the shadow. The shadow is defined as everything that we hide, repress, and deny about OURSELVES. It can be a tricky business, becoming aware of your shadowy tendencies. It takes patience, and perseverance, and compassion.

However, the upside is…..it humanizes everyone. You stop putting all the things you find unsavory OUT THERE and then demonizing the other person.

We tend to project onto others all the traits and emotions that we are not comfortable claiming in ourselves. Learning how to own your projections is a powerful tool.

It allows you to reclaim the power and energy you have (subconsciously) repressed and hidden from yourself. It can be used every day in all sorts of settings. Once you understand the dynamics of projections, you may find it’s one of your most useful tools for moving from shadow back to the mission.

“There is a way to recognize the shadow: what strongly attracts or repels us in others is a clue to where our own darkness lurks. As we begin accepting our shadow, we acknowledge the projections of our shadow qualities onto others as truths about ourselves. My hatred of your controlling ways may cloak controlling ways in me that I do not see. The negative shadow in us is projected onto others as strong dislike or disgust. The positive shadow is projected onto others as admiration or envy.”

David Richo, author Shadow Dance

So you see, you can project shadow and gold, so to speak. I would like to walk you through an exercise to deepen your understanding of this important concept.

Here is an exercise from my book Body and Soul: The Essential Handbook for Men:

For this process, you’ll need a piece of paper, a pen and about 15 minutes of time. Once you do this a few times, you’ll be able to do it all in your head and on the fly. Which makes it an enormously useful tool for your emotional growth.

I’d like you to think of a person or group of people that bring up an emotional charge in you. You will usually feel angry, disdain, or upset at the thought of this person or group. In life, you may find yourself complaining about or plotting against this person or group. It can be someone you’re related to, someone you love, someone who is in power, someone you know from work or church or just about anywhere.

Once you have someone in mind, list the qualities that you can’t stand in that person or group. List the worst ones that come to mind and then stay with the exercise and see if you can come up with two or three additional qualities that you really don’t like.

Now comes the fun part. For each quality, name a way that you are also that way. Do it for every quality you disdain and don’t cop out with “I’m not that way.” Sure, if your person is a serial killer, you may not own that. But can you own that you can be ruthless at times? Or unconscious? Or insensitive to others?…you get my point. Own something about each trait.

Here is the one I did for Dick Cheney in my book. I spent years absolutely loathing Cheney. I still might not want to go duck hunting with him but through this exercise, I humanized him by recognizing our common ground.

DICK CHENEY PROJECTION-

Qualities I disdain in Dick Cheney: conservative; rigid; power-hungry; insensitive to others; arrogant; righteous; ruthless.

Now I’m going to break these down, one by one, and OWN them. This is what is known as owning your shadow.

The ways I display these shadow traits:

Conservative: I can cr

Basecamp for Men E33: Firestarters for Men- Owning Your Shadow