The Body Man

[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[1] Want to talk to Conan?

[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.

[3] Okay, let's get started.

[4] Hey there, Tyler.

[5] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[6] This is Sonan.

[7] Welcome to what?

[8] Just take it easy, Tyler.

[9] Tyler, you're coming in real hot, Tyler.

[10] And first of all, you got to chill.

[11] Conan, I apologize.

[12] Thank you.

[13] That was appropriate.

[14] And I think all my interviews should begin with people apologizing.

[15] And while you're at it, Gorley, I think you owe me an apology?

[16] I apologize.

[17] No, I'm good.

[18] Okay.

[19] I take my back.

[20] Tyler, you were coming to us from someplace in Canada, but I don't know where.

[21] Yes, sir.

[22] I'm about an hour outside of Ottawa, a community called Mississippi Mills.

[23] Now, I'm about to ask a question, and I don't care what the answer is, but I just want to seem like I'm engaged.

[24] Are you an hour north of Ottawa, east, west, or south?

[25] We are, what are we west?

[26] It's west, but again, I could have thrown out anything.

[27] Yeah, I don't believe...

[28] We're parallel.

[29] First of all, I do believe that you're Canadian because of the way you're speaking, but I do not believe that you were anywhere near Ottawa.

[30] I think you're lying about that because you were very slow to come up with a very simple answer.

[31] That's fair.

[32] That's fair.

[33] Yeah.

[34] So if I...

[35] You're in Toronto, aren't you?

[36] You're in Toronto.

[37] Speaking of which, they were just talking about your Toronto show when you can.

[38] came to town, they were wondering, who was the guy that came and skated with the Maple Leafs?

[39] And they kept, who was it?

[40] Oh, that was me. Well, they thought it was carrot top.

[41] Oh, oh, oh, they thought it was carrot top?

[42] No, I'm kidding.

[43] I'm sorry.

[44] They couldn't remember who it was.

[45] Well, first of all, I don't like your jokes, Tyler.

[46] And I'm, you know, you've come in, you came in hot, and now you're saying that people are confusing me with carrot top, which has enraged me. Yeah.

[47] By the way, I love him.

[48] There's no, there's no, better prop comedian with a six pack than there's no other prop comedian he is ripped but I gotta say you know it's lovely to talk to you and I want to know I want to know your story clearly you've sought me out because I'm an important figure in your life oh god absolutely I just I'm embarrassed again I don't believe anything he's saying you're not in Ottawa and you loathe me but we've established that tell us what you do tell us what you do for a living so I am a bus driver with the city a people mover if you will I've been doing it for 15 years we all know what a bus driver he only confused us more I'm the guy at the very front with the yeah that's good and so yeah I've been doing that for 15 years now give or take and it's I love, there's Tyler the Creator, and this is Tyler the Over -Explaner.

[49] I'm a bus driver.

[50] You know, we move people in a large rectangular vehicle, and I'm towards the front.

[51] Conan, I used to be a mover.

[52] I said I was a relocation technician.

[53] Wow, wow.

[54] I think that's fair.

[55] If you had said that, I would have assumed you were a mover.

[56] There we go, absolutely.

[57] I like to tell people, I dabble in the comedic arts.

[58] And then they look at my work, and they just, I agree.

[59] So you, you're a bus driver, and I'm curious, are you a fan of the movie Speed?

[60] And do you think, because that's really, I think that's the only action movie that's ever been made about a bus.

[61] Is that correct, Corley?

[62] The gauntlet.

[63] Oh.

[64] It's the Clint Eastwood and, is it Tyne Daly where they kind of have to go through a whole, like, armored city area on a bus?

[65] Clint Eastwood and Tyne Daly?

[66] I know.

[67] Why did you know that right away?

[68] That's crazy.

[69] Did you watch it yesterday?

[70] Probably, if not this morning.

[71] Well, I'm sorry.

[72] And we're forgetting Tyler here.

[73] Tyler, Speed is one of two bus movies.

[74] Yes, yes.

[75] And really only to...

[76] Sondra Locke, sorry, his former wife.

[77] But there is a movie he made with Tyne Daly.

[78] Okay, yeah.

[79] But that was, I think, one of the Dirty Harry movies.

[80] Was it?

[81] Yeah.

[82] Again, you've taken us down.

[83] You're very good at this.

[84] A cul -de -sac where there's nothing to eat.

[85] eat.

[86] There's no house.

[87] There's no fuel.

[88] There's no house.

[89] I know.

[90] I'm sorry.

[91] He takes you down conversational cul -de -sacs.

[92] You know when they start to build a land development, a planned community, and then they stop but there are still cul -de -sacs in the middle of a field and there's just grass growing up.

[93] That's where he takes us.

[94] I don't disagree.

[95] No. Thank you, Matt.

[96] Which means you agree.

[97] Yeah.

[98] Listen, Tyler, I will not ignore you anymore and I apologize from my friends.

[99] They're the worst.

[100] It's okay.

[101] I'm happy to see them both for the record.

[102] I'm shocked to see Sona.

[103] I thought Sona would have taken the day off with today being what it is.

[104] Hey, that's right.

[105] It's 420.

[106] Yeah, I've got a happy hour planned, but I'm not going to...

[107] It's after bedtime for my boys.

[108] I'm an adult now.

[109] I would say congratulations on the kids.

[110] Thank you.

[111] I'm sure you're sick of hearing it from everybody.

[112] Oh, that's nice.

[113] I'm actually curious if anyone's ever pooped on your bus.

[114] Oh, yes.

[115] Yeah, right?

[116] Absolutely.

[117] I can't believe it.

[118] That was my name.

[119] next question.

[120] That's insane.

[121] Right here it was, where are you from?

[122] And then underneath I wrote in parentheses, if bus driver has anyone pooped on your bus?

[123] That was...

[124] You didn't even know he was a bus driver.

[125] Oh, this was before I knew he was a bus driver.

[126] It said, if bus driver, and then an arrow goes right to, has anyone pooped on the bus?

[127] That's how well I prepare.

[128] So, your bus driver and people, no, they have not.

[129] No one's come on your bus.

[130] Has anyone come on your bus and said, keep this above 50 miles per hour, or I poop on the bus?

[131] No, no, but I have had a gentleman drop a deuce on the bus.

[132] I've had another gentleman who ringed the bell to get off and just dropped trow and took a leak and then just walked off as if it was something that everybody does.

[133] And then for the next two stops, it's running up and down the aisle.

[134] Okay, but that's right.

[135] You're going up hills and then downhills.

[136] Yes, I see.

[137] There would be like a tidal flow.

[138] Yes.

[139] Come on.

[140] My question is, he rang, you said he rang the bell to stop the bus, then you're an That's correct.

[141] He knew his stop was coming up.

[142] He knew his stop was coming up.

[143] Uh -huh.

[144] And that's so cool that he didn't get pee shy.

[145] Like he, he, he comes my stop, I should pee now, rang the bell.

[146] I mean, you know, it takes me a little while to just sort of chill.

[147] Me too.

[148] You know, I sort of have to visualize different historic events and then I can, I can urinate.

[149] Yeah.

[150] I can't be conscious that it's about to happen.

[151] It has to happen.

[152] Exactly.

[153] I'm like that, I'm like that as well.

[154] So, Tyler, wow.

[155] So being a bus driver is not a bus driver is not a, all fun in games, you have to deal with people who are misbehaving wildly.

[156] Have you ever felt like you were threatened on the bus?

[157] Oh, Gonen.

[158] All the time.

[159] All the time.

[160] First time.

[161] Did you just fall in love with me?

[162] She went, oh, Conan.

[163] Conan, I wouldn't be here if that hadn't taken place long ago.

[164] Oh, that's nice.

[165] Thank you, Tyler.

[166] I, sorry, what was the question?

[167] I'm just, I'm an, oh.

[168] The question was, well, my God, you really are in love with me. You can't, even construct your thoughts correctly.

[169] Have you ever felt unsafe as a bus driver?

[170] Oh, yeah.

[171] Oh, yeah.

[172] So first off, you're back to everybody.

[173] And there are some interesting people that take public transportation.

[174] So you kind of have to always, it's actually weird.

[175] You know, before you even pick a person up, as you approach that stop, something in you says, this person's going to be a problem for me. Oh, right.

[176] And it's one of those things.

[177] But yeah, I've been spad on by a young lady who I asked to get off the bus Because she was having a verbal disagreement with her young boyfriend And I said, listen, kids, you've got to take the F words outside And they were not a fan, she came up And just started hitting me and spitting on me And I was, you know, like this, and I had my trying to block it Oh, it was awful.

[178] Oh, my God.

[179] God.

[180] I think, I'm, I mean, first of all, I immediately side with the boyfriend in this because she's clearly out of control.

[181] Oh, you don't know the story.

[182] Yeah, yeah.

[183] At all.

[184] What's that?

[185] You don't know the story.

[186] You don't know the story.

[187] Well, I know that she spit on my good friend Tyler, which I don't like.

[188] You had to check his name in your notes before you said, my good friend, Tyler.

[189] One of my best friends who lives west of Ottawa, about an hour, he's a people mover.

[190] Hold on a second.

[191] Tyler.

[192] That's right.

[193] No, that's terrible.

[194] That's terrible that you had to endure that.

[195] Do you ever just need to get away from it?

[196] Oh, yes, all the time.

[197] I'm actually on leave for mental health reasons right now, to be honest with you.

[198] Oh.

[199] So I've always had anxiety issues.

[200] Are you okay?

[201] Are you okay?

[202] Yeah.

[203] It's the type of job where some people are built for it and others aren't and I may have met my expiry date.

[204] That's all.

[205] You know, it is what it is.

[206] How long did you do it for?

[207] I just started my 15th year.

[208] Wow.

[209] Yeah, it's maybe time to move on, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

[210] I find it interesting that you're using your mental health recovery time to call into Conan O 'Brien's a friend.

[211] Yeah, yeah.

[212] I think that's a terrible idea.

[213] Yeah, no, the therapist warned me about it.

[214] That's one of the first things they tell you when you take a mental health.

[215] Mental Health Break.

[216] Do not call into podcasts in general, but specifically, and then we're on the specifics list.

[217] The black list.

[218] No, you guys have helped me out throughout the process.

[219] You yourselves, other pods like you, you know, the smart list crew.

[220] Oh, yeah.

[221] You know, all those great pods, plus all your true crime pods as well.

[222] Well, what we're going to do in editing is take out all the other mentions of podcasts.

[223] So it sounds like we're pretty much the only one.

[224] No free rides for the smartless guys.

[225] You know, I know those guys, and they're getting away with murder, in my opinion.

[226] That Arnett's got an attitude for a Canadian.

[227] He really does.

[228] He really does.

[229] Well, he's lost himself.

[230] You know what?

[231] Thank you.

[232] Thank you.

[233] And I don't want to start, I really don't want to start beef with the Smartless crew.

[234] I've done their podcast twice.

[235] I really do love those guys, Arnett aside.

[236] No, I love all three except Arnett.

[237] And, uh, but, um, in total, I think that it's two of the three best podcasters in the business and, um, Arnette specifically not one of them, uh, but, um, every show needs, you know, whatever, an anchor they need to drag behind.

[238] Uh, my point is, uh, I think you're right.

[239] I think he's forgotten where he comes from.

[240] He comes from Canada and he's become this slick Hollywood guy.

[241] I mean, yeah, when I grew up with him in Canada, I think he's forgotten, probably something about me you didn't know he was just a real simple Canadian guy you know and he's just changed he's changed so much well it's nice that you stayed true to your roots though you're the least Canadian person I did no I'm not that's not true I did I did a week of shows in Toronto I was the first late night host to go to Toronto and I really felt like I bonded with the Canadian people yeah and when I'm just walking around Canadians go crazy.

[242] Yeah, but they're so polite and kind to people and apologetic and I just feel...

[243] Oh, so you're saying they're just being kind to me?

[244] Oh, no, I'm just saying, I think you were saying I didn't forget my roots because you were doing a whole bit about how you're from Canada and I said you're not Canadian at all.

[245] I think I'm very Canadian.

[246] No. I think, didn't you, there wasn't some sort of citizenship while you were here in Toronto?

[247] Yes, and I passed the citizenship test.

[248] Some sort of papers, yes.

[249] Didn't you go on a bus and then ring the bell and just urinate all over the place to?

[250] I do that whenever I travel a show.

[251] That's just called, it's called the Conan.

[252] Speaking of which, you may want to hydrate.

[253] I'm, trust me. A little funky.

[254] It was a little funky.

[255] Oh.

[256] So you're taking a break.

[257] I'm glad that you're taking a break, Tyler, and that you're looking after yourself from, you know, all the trauma that you've had to go through as a bus driver.

[258] And I'm sorry that you're, had to go through that.

[259] What are you doing?

[260] Like, what are your hobbies?

[261] What are you doing now?

[262] You're hanging around the house.

[263] You're taking a little Tyler time, a little you time.

[264] What are you doing?

[265] Hanging around the house, trying to build things around the house.

[266] We tried to build a sauna or in the process of.

[267] Got new power tools.

[268] Took off my finger with one of them with the tip of.

[269] No. Seriously?

[270] Did you really?

[271] If you, yeah, if you watch my initial interview, I bring out my hand a few times and there's just a wad on one of my finger.

[272] because I took my, just took my eye off the table saw for second, grab it a piece of wood.

[273] No. And that's all it took.

[274] Tyler, it hasn't aired yet, but in the next week or two, there will be a Conan needs a fan episode where a woman worked in a wood shock and she was petrified of losing a finger.

[275] Yeah.

[276] There are common themes coming out there.

[277] I don't know if it's COVID or what, but because of the trauma that everyone's been through, power tools, fear of power tools.

[278] This is a theme.

[279] And so you lost the tip of your finger.

[280] We were able to recover it and get it reattached?

[281] No, because I didn't cut it off, you know, naturally this way.

[282] I cut it down the finger, down the bone.

[283] Oh!

[284] Oh, no. You forked your finger.

[285] You bicected it.

[286] Yeah.

[287] Oh, my.

[288] So did you lose, so what's the treatment?

[289] Did they sew it back together?

[290] So when I went in, they injected it with some sort of cleanser.

[291] And there was an arterial bleed.

[292] and so once their objective was get it to stop bleeding and then after that the doctor said there's nothing I can sell this too what so you just have essentially six fingers on one hand but two of them are smaller well no this it actually what are you talking about no they attach they attached them together they didn't leave it for did they I mean there's would be advantages to that can we see it yeah can we see so I'm day two without a bandage and we're talking two months ago however I can show you if you want to see it.

[293] Yeah.

[294] Yeah, please.

[295] All right, so this is just it starting to come back here.

[296] I don't know if you're getting it, but...

[297] Oh, wow.

[298] Well, that doesn't look so bad.

[299] It looks like you just stuck your finger in a bowl of oatmeal.

[300] Or up your nose.

[301] No, as well.

[302] It was so black for so long.

[303] I thought, this is never coming back.

[304] And now that it is coming back, science, it boggles my mind.

[305] It boggles my mind.

[306] There's no way for this to have healed the way it has, but just The body man. Yeah.

[307] That's what it needs to do.

[308] The body man. You know what?

[309] There's not a day that doesn't go by where I don't just say to myself, the body man. For sure.

[310] Often when I'm looking at my own body.

[311] Yeah.

[312] Oh.

[313] You are the body man. Thank you.

[314] What a creep.

[315] So, Tyler, it's time for you to go back to the bus.

[316] I'm sorry, but you left the bus because of danger and fear for your physical and mental health.

[317] and what do you do, you immediately buy power tools and cut yourself in half?

[318] I think it's time to go back to the bus, you know?

[319] Well, you know what?

[320] What's been helping me?

[321] I got therapy chickens.

[322] Oh.

[323] I know we had the optometrist on multiple episodes back, and we talked about getting pecked in the eye.

[324] Yes.

[325] And it's a legit concern, guys.

[326] You know, the chickens, they're very loving.

[327] They want to be scooped up and given a nice morning hug.

[328] you need to be aware or else you're going to take one to the face.

[329] I have since heard that the reason they go for the eye is that it's a shiny kind of almost like a worm or something they think they're saying.

[330] Most people are, I would think you'd be safe because your eyes are very dead.

[331] There's no light in them.

[332] No, no, no, no. Yeah, you're very dead eye.

[333] No, no, these are no. You have that kind of Charles Groden just dead in the eyes.

[334] No, these are chestnut with a molasses umbrella.

[335] No, these are.

[336] No, it's funny.

[337] The first time I met you, I said, oh, look, it's the shark, Bruce from Jaws.

[338] No, no, I'm kind eyes.

[339] There's just nothing in there.

[340] Anyway, you're safe.

[341] Chickens will not go for your eyes.

[342] Well, tell it to my great -grandfather.

[343] Well, listen, we've learned that, yes, Gourley's great -grandfather's eye was pecked out.

[344] Ellsworth, Ezekiel, loves a jingle.

[345] Bartholomew.

[346] It's more than a jingle.

[347] I didn't mean to upset you about the jingle comment.

[348] I'm sorry.

[349] Tyler, wow.

[350] Yeah, be careful of chickens because that's another thing.

[351] We're learning power tools are dangerous.

[352] We're also learning that chickens are assholes.

[353] They really are.

[354] They're just, they're...

[355] They really suck.

[356] Yeah.

[357] And they will...

[358] Shit wherever they want.

[359] Oh, come on.

[360] You've got a bus where shit's flying all over the place.

[361] If you stop fast, if you stop fast, it coats the windshield.

[362] I'm sorry.

[363] Well, I'm sorry, but you painted the pictures.

[364] Just getting on me for being weird and creepy and gross.

[365] But Tyler, I'm glad that you have therapy chickens.

[366] wear safety goggles because they will attack the eyes because you actually, unlike Gourley, have light and humanity in your eyes.

[367] Thank you for noticing.

[368] Oh, please, please.

[369] And it's Zoom enhanced.

[370] Would you have a question for me, Tyler?

[371] Is there a way I can help you?

[372] Is there a question I can answer?

[373] I do.

[374] So as a lot of us have always wondered, you know, we've seen Conan grow up as we've grown up ourselves and now we see an older Conan, a mature Conan.

[375] I guess.

[376] So if younger Conan will say 20 -year -old meets current Conan and they're having some sort of disagreement and it looks like it's going to turn ugly, going to turn to fisticuffs, what type of slangs are being set back and forth?

[377] And if it does get physical, how does this thing end up?

[378] Oh, good question.

[379] That's a good question.

[380] Well, okay, a 20 -year -old Conan doesn't really have the clearest skin, a little bit of acne.

[381] So current Conan would probably go after him for his complexion.

[382] Oh, brutal.

[383] Well, I'm sorry.

[384] You said what's going to happen.

[385] So if he was coming at me and saying like, hey, old man, you know, you build your coffin yet because you're getting close, I'd probably say, you know, fuck off.

[386] It's called clear a seal.

[387] You should try some.

[388] But you've lived through, you've been that Conan.

[389] How brutal would that be?

[390] Haven't you learned the lesson?

[391] Tyler asked me a question.

[392] And I'm telling you that if young Conan.

[393] is coming at me. First of all, and also I'll tell you something else about Young Conan.

[394] Young Conan is tall, but extremely skinny.

[395] It's about six, four, like 160 pounds.

[396] Whoa.

[397] And I'm not lifting.

[398] I do a lot of exercise now.

[399] I could clean young Conan's clock.

[400] I really could.

[401] Oh, yes.

[402] Man strict.

[403] No, there's also the strength of, and years and years and years of me just living in the world and being embittered.

[404] And so I think there's an older Conan would be savage.

[405] Younger Conan wouldn't know what hit him.

[406] Younger Coen would be like, oh, look at you.

[407] You got old.

[408] And then I would just totally, I would hit myself so hard that the acne would just fly off my head.

[409] But if you hit young Conan so hard, those injuries would carry into your current day.

[410] You're only hurting yourself.

[411] No, you'd see small...

[412] You'd see small changes in the shape of my skull, but they would have healed in that time.

[413] So you'd see if you were just staring at my face during the fight with Younger Conan, You'd see my skull kind of undulating quietly, maybe one eye disappearing, one tooth going away and being replaced with a replacement tooth, you know.

[414] Like sloth.

[415] Exactly.

[416] From the go, yeah.

[417] Yeah.

[418] Yeah.

[419] You just talk around and go, baby, Ruth.

[420] Yeah.

[421] Yeah.

[422] And then I would just mock young Conan for like, oh, so you didn't have a credit card and you took a girl to a restaurant, you know, on a date.

[423] And you thought, really, you thought California Pizza Kitchen was the right idea.

[424] You're 20.

[425] Still.

[426] I need to believe younger Conan had a date.

[427] Oh.

[428] Welcome to the table, Tyler.

[429] Wow.

[430] That's my time.

[431] He's wrapping himself.

[432] I'm just staring at Tyler in absolute disbelief.

[433] Yeah.

[434] You went, that was such a hard slam.

[435] Yeah.

[436] I'm just, I'm giving older Conan some, some, you know, something to go at younger Conan with that's okay.

[437] Hey, you're right.

[438] I could, you're right.

[439] That is actually ammunition.

[440] Yeah.

[441] I could say, huh, lost your virginity at 31.

[442] That's pathetic.

[443] He didn't know that, though.

[444] 20 -year -old Conan's like, I'm going to lose it in any second.

[445] But he just found out.

[446] Any second now.

[447] Wait, 11 years?

[448] That's right.

[449] He just turned out of 11 years?

[450] Oh, God.

[451] 11, what happens?

[452] Oh, trust me. You try, younger Conan.

[453] Oh, you do try.

[454] But you never quite get there.

[455] 31 seems kind of.

[456] Well, it seems late in the game.

[457] Oh, it is late in the game, pal.

[458] Don't worry.

[459] You'll be well into Barack Obama's first term.

[460] Oh, my God.

[461] Before you hit the glory zone.

[462] The glory zone.

[463] I think this starts off as you guys think you're going to fight and then you're just going to hug each other and console each other.

[464] And then make out.

[465] Okay.

[466] And you lose your virginity to yourself.

[467] I lose my virginity to myself.

[468] Oh, no. This needs to end now.

[469] I can't do this anymore.

[470] Oh, my God.

[471] This is more complicated than one of those Marvel movies with nine portals.

[472] Or the like age old question, if you go back in time and kill baby Hitler, you go back in time and make love to yourself first.

[473] Wow.

[474] Yeah.

[475] This took a terrible turn.

[476] I'm so sorry for asking.

[477] Yes.

[478] Tyler, this is all your fault.

[479] Yeah, it is.

[480] And the way that people used to get onto your bus and take a shit, you came on to our podcast, drop trow and just let fly.

[481] That's what you did to our podcast.

[482] And I'm going to, and sir, I'm going to ask you to leave.

[483] I'm stopping the podcast.

[484] I'm asking you to pull up your pants and leave this esteemed audio experience.

[485] Just so happens to be this is my stop.

[486] Okay.

[487] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Goorley.

[488] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.

[489] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[490] Music by Jimmy Vivino.

[491] Supervising producer Aaron Blair.

[492] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.

[493] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.

[494] Engineered by Will Beckton.

[495] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien, Brian needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[496] This has been a team Coco production in association with Stitcher.