Kids Backtalking & Disrespectful Attitudes—How to De-escalate

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[24] So do you have a child who backtalks you, who sometimes has that tone in his voice, right?

[25] He likes to talk back and argue.

[26] I bet you do.

[27] And I bet the last few weeks of being home together all the time has made it even better.

[28] So welcome to the calm parenting podcast.

[29] This we're going to talk about today.

[30] And I'm excited about it because I'm going to give you some tools.

[31] Look, what I love about this whole process, I've been doing this for 20 years.

[32] And I get excited every time I do a podcast, every time we do a live event.

[33] Why?

[34] Because this will, change your interactions and you can actually, it's not just about surviving.

[35] It's about turning negative things into positive, things that pushed you away from this strong will child to actually becoming closer to them.

[36] And I hope you can embrace this, that these are opportunities, that the worst possible interactions, the nastiest moments, the biggest meltdowns are opportunities to bring you closer to your child to show that you are the trustworthy parent that they can look to that they can count on when they're at their worst you can handle it and so i hope what i hope you'll embrace this and one of the reasons you'll hear excitement in my voice is we're getting so many positive emails and calls now and this is what i was really hoping and praying for that as we entered this really really dark time in the in the world and when families are we're going to be kind of stuck together and parents working from home that we could turn this into a positive.

[37] And I have no illusions that it's perfect all the time, not at all, and it's not supposed to be perfect.

[38] But the families that are really embracing this are having some real breakthroughs now.

[39] You have the time.

[40] Your kids aren't doing schoolwork from 8 a .m. to 4 o 'clock p .m. every day.

[41] If they are, they're weird.

[42] Kidding.

[43] Some of your kids love that stuff.

[44] But you're not doing, you've got time to work on this stuff.

[45] And so I'm just going to give you some encouragement.

[46] I'm going to take snippets of a few emails so that I can give you some ideas of how other real -world normal parents are using this time and the kind of insights that their kids are getting more than anybody else.

[47] So a lot of parents are doing this.

[48] Last week they said, kids, you have an option.

[49] You either do your school work because in many school systems now, they're not even grading the work.

[50] So, like, what are you going to do with that?

[51] I'll do a whole separate podcast on that.

[52] But the parents were like, you can either do your schoolwork or we're going to listen to these CD programs.

[53] And they built their curriculum around that.

[54] And so, which is cool idea.

[55] I've been asking homeschool families do that for years to use, pick one of the programs, stop to find some disrespect, motivating kids, discipline, the one for moms, dads, the cases, it is to say, let's use this as curriculum and let's learn how to control our emotions together as a family.

[56] That's a cool thing.

[57] So here's some of the comments.

[58] This is a very common one.

[59] One of the kids said, Mom, you guys aren't doing this right.

[60] You talk way too much.

[61] Now, some of you're going to hear that is like, what I want my kids saying that, noticing that?

[62] Well, one, they already know that you talk too much.

[63] And now it's a fantastic opportunity to apologize to your kids and say, you know what?

[64] You're absolutely right.

[65] I want to own my part.

[66] And I'm going to model for you humility.

[67] And I apologize for talking.

[68] I apologize for lecturing too much.

[69] Out of a good heart and good intentions, I think inadvertently I've sent a message to you that you're not capable being successful without me being on you all the time.

[70] So I apologize for that.

[71] Because truth is, I believe you are capable of being wildly successful when I've seen it before.

[72] So from now on, I'm going to step back so that you can step up.

[73] I'm going to step back and stop lecturing and micromanaging your life because I believe you are capable.

[74] See, that's a beautiful thing that just came out of one little insight.

[75] So the one mom asked her son, he said, okay, I owe my stuff, so what about you?

[76] And the child said, I need to learn how to control myself so that you don't have to.

[77] Because Casey said, kids love my son because he's just like them.

[78] And so they listened to him and He said, Casey said, when I start learning how to control myself, you won't have to control me because now I'm in control of myself.

[79] And so kids are actually working on that.

[80] I've got a lot of kids who listen to Casey's CDs before they go to bed every night.

[81] Here's what they always say.

[82] He gets me. And it kind of makes choke up a little bit.

[83] Like he gets me and I know that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm going to be okay.

[84] that's an awesome thing.

[85] Another child, here's another email.

[86] My kids came to me and said, Mom, Dad, we've been doing homework the wrong way for years, right?

[87] We're supposed to be moving and listening to music and doing homework in different ways to kind of get our brains working faster and you've been making us sit at a table.

[88] We need to do it differently.

[89] So again, don't get defensive, just say, you know what?

[90] I was wrong about that.

[91] But here's what I was wrong about as well.

[92] I was trying to control you and make you do everything.

[93] The truth is homework is yours to do.

[94] It's not mine.

[95] I did it when I was a kid.

[96] So good.

[97] Now that you know this, how are you going to begin doing your school work differently?

[98] And getting the kids to listen to these, especially the ADHD University, even if they don't have an ADHD, it doesn't matter.

[99] But listening to how their brains work because we're getting so many comments on, I never knew that's why I always tapped my feet.

[100] I always thought there was something wrong with me. This one we just got.

[101] I always thought there was something wrong with me because I was always fidgeting with things and I was always chewing on the tassels of my hoodie sweatshirt.

[102] Now I know I'm doing it because it keeps my brain awake and it also helps relieve a little bit of anxiety.

[103] See, that kind of insight is fantastic for your kids.

[104] Do two more really quickly.

[105] Husbands, getting a lot of these and this.

[106] I want big breakthroughs with dads.

[107] so a husband comes out of his home office one day and wife of course is thinking like he's going to come out and yell because the kids are being so loud and he came out and he sat down on the floor and immediately his kids came running to him and he started wrestling with them and playing with them and giving them intensity and affirming them and he came out of his office and said you know what guys you've been awesome this morning couldn't hear anything and I'm really proud of you and he went back into his office and his white a little bit while later and his wife went back in and said what's up with that you know because usually he'd come out and yell all day why can't your kids ever and she said he said i listen to those guys CDs that's practical i can actually do this stuff this is doable and so that's a huge breakthrough and then the final one i wanted to end on is um a mom sent me an essay because she gave her kids homework schoolwork and said i don't care what you write about right right It doesn't have to be school.

[108] You can listen to these CDs, whatever you want to do.

[109] But the daughter wrote a really cool one on her own anxiety.

[110] And I don't have time to read the whole thing, but it is beautiful.

[111] And it will both crush your soul and bring you great joy to read of this girl realizing that there's nothing wrong with her and that her anxiety is normal and that she now has embraced it.

[112] and she knows what to do now but that she doesn't feel like there's like there's some great thing that's like wrong with her just because she doesn't like trying new things right and so there's this great awareness coming of no your anxiety is my anxiety is perfectly normal and I can live with this and I know what to do with it and I know that I can do exercise and I know that when I'm that I need to have some go -to plans some things when I'm feeling anxious and out of order instead of trying to control everybody else, when I control myself and when I can work on this and know, I'm going to be okay.

[113] Like, it is a beautiful, beautiful thing of the self -awareness that is coming from understanding your own brain and how you're made, that there's nothing wrong with you.

[114] It's just normal.

[115] Everybody has their thing.

[116] Sorry for the divergence.

[117] I could do a whole podcast on it because it's really important for your kids to know that there's nothing wrong with them.

[118] it's sure they have some struggles and sure they need their brain stimulated they need order and structure but it's all normal and your kids are going to be okay and so i love that and i'm super excited about that i applaud you parents for doing that if i'm going to get into the back talk thing here but if we can help you in any way go to the website at celebrate calm dot com look at the products page casey is just putting up right now for this week a special special uh sale where you get everything, all of the programs, the marriage program, the ADHD program, the No BS program, literally everything we've created, and you can get it physical copies, but you get it as instant downloads.

[119] So everyone, your family can have this on their phone.

[120] If you end up switching phones, you can get them, reload them forever.

[121] You can share them with parents, with your friends.

[122] I don't care.

[123] Just use them.

[124] So look for that.

[125] If you need help, email Casey.

[126] It's, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, and he will help you out because he is awesome and he was the strong -willed child.

[127] So, here's the example I kind of wanted to get into here is, you know, you've got a child who's talking back, you've got a child who comes to you with tone in their voice.

[128] And my son would do that a lot.

[129] He'd come with a certain tone, right?

[130] Because sometimes they get kind of full of themselves.

[131] A couple things.

[132] I'll give you a quick one that I really love to diffuse this is this phrase.

[133] you know what?

[134] That doesn't sound like you.

[135] Sounds like you're frustrated.

[136] Sounds like you're anxious about something.

[137] Listen, I was going to go for a walk outside.

[138] I was going to get started on dinner.

[139] It's going to go to the basement.

[140] I'm just going to fold some laundry.

[141] If you want to come with me, I'd love to listen to you because something's going on and I want to help you out with that because that just doesn't sound like you.

[142] I like the phrase because I picture it this, moms, wives, if you're having a bad day and you've got a little tone in your voice or you're getting a little emotional, right?

[143] What you want to hear from your spouse is, hey, honey, it sounds like you're having a rough day.

[144] It sounds like you're overwhelmed.

[145] It doesn't sound like you can't, do you want to go for a walk?

[146] Because I'd love to hear about it.

[147] Right, that's what you'd want to hear.

[148] You don't hear, you know what?

[149] I don't know why, I don't know why you're just not grateful, right?

[150] I'll know why you're overreacting to it.

[151] Right.

[152] That doesn't help a lot.

[153] But we do.

[154] It's to our kids all the time.

[155] You're overreacting.

[156] It's no big deal.

[157] There's no need to be upset.

[158] We do the same exact thing to our kids that your husband does to you, right?

[159] Because we're all uncomfortable with the fact that sometimes other people don't feel good.

[160] They're having a bad day.

[161] They're upset.

[162] And we're not comfortable with other people's emotions.

[163] And so we want to shut it down very, very quickly.

[164] And that's the worst thing that happened.

[165] I don't want to feed this.

[166] But I'm going to get, but I'm leading to problem solving, right?

[167] Like, hey, doesn't sound like you.

[168] That's just sound like you.

[169] Sounds like something else is going on.

[170] So that leads into one of our most famous examples, and it was a way, honestly, this is how I started learning how to bond with my son and show him and prove to him that I was a safe place that I could handle anything that he threw my way.

[171] It's called the chips and salsa example.

[172] So my son would come at me with that tone.

[173] You have every, right to say, young man, you're not going to talk to me like that to your room for the rest of your life.

[174] Because that's all that ever happens.

[175] When kids get upset when they're struggling, and even when they're being defiant, we tend to send them away from us.

[176] And watch what we're doing.

[177] I am now sending you away from the very person who can help you.

[178] The very person who has the wisdom to understand what's going on and who can problem solve and help you so that you don't keep talking like that and lose everything that you own, right?

[179] And so that's why I love this time where you're home with this kids.

[180] I know it is very hard.

[181] I know it is taxing.

[182] I know everybody's struggling.

[183] You're struggling in emotionally, financially, and all the anxiety that's going on.

[184] But this is a laboratory now.

[185] This is a laboratory in which one of two things is going to happen.

[186] Either your family's going to self -destruct or you guys are going to work on this.

[187] And it can be a huge blessing in disguise that one day what I want is I want to have thousands of families look back and say, you know what?

[188] We were dreading that time and it was difficult and it was rough and we fought some and we wrestled with stuff but we came out of that stronger and we were ready and the next time it's the hit the fan we were ready for it because we had been through the crucible.

[189] We'd been through the fire together and we learned how to deal with tension and anxiety and emotions and irritability because we learn finally how to deal with it, right?

[190] And in your marriage, that, look, this is what relationships are for.

[191] The purpose of relationships is not happiness.

[192] If you've been married for a long time, you realize that.

[193] And that's not meant to be funny.

[194] It's just true.

[195] The purpose of relationships is transformation.

[196] You put two people together, or three, or four, or five, or eight people together all the time.

[197] You're going to have conflict and you are either going to grow apart or you are going to grow up.

[198] And what has happened in your marriage, I guarantee, is you have grown apart because you can't handle conflict and you run from any time it gets difficult.

[199] You can't bring anything up.

[200] Why?

[201] You just bury the resentment and now eight years into your marriage, 13 years into your marriage, 21 years into your marriage, you have a list of resentments that is a mile long because you have never talked honestly about things because you don't know how to and so you just buried everything and you thought well once kids go after college i'm gone to and i don't want that to happen right i don't want that to have work on your marriage during this time yes it's tough welcome to life that's what it's for so you can either grow apart or grow up and learn tools because watch i guarantee this is going to happen if you don't learn how to do it now during this marriage i guarantee you the same pattern is going to happen in the next marriage because you're going to marry the same kind of person or someone completely opposite.

[202] It doesn't matter to me, but you're going to be the same person.

[203] And you're going to bring your same dysfunction, your same immaturity and your same lack of ability to handle conflict and handle emotions.

[204] That's why I talk to guys all the time.

[205] They're like, well, I think it's just be better.

[206] I'll just, you know, I'll just get divorced.

[207] I'll go live in an apartment.

[208] I'll just, you know, start dating again.

[209] It'll be great.

[210] I'll be, no, won't.

[211] I said, you're going to screw up the next relationship as bad as you did.

[212] marriage and then you're going to have now you're going to be down two and then you're going to be on your third one and the only thing that's the same in every one of them is you because until you learn to grapple with your own lack of skills and relationships and inability to handle conflict and emotions you'll destroy every relationship so what happens right so i encourage you and that's why we're including the marriage program in this thing it's basically included free in this package because we want you working on it, and very few people will do that.

[213] But I guarantee the best thing you can do for your kids is to model for them how you handle conflict and difficult discussions with another human being so that when they grow up and get married, they don't have your flawed, dysfunctional way of doing it as their model, right?

[214] It's like, look, I know I wasn't planning to say this, but this is really important.

[215] We'll spend tens of thousands of dollars.

[216] we will spend inordinate time and energy trying to make sure that our kids get the right education and we worry every night over their grades and their homework and what kind of school we're going to get them in and yet we send them out into adulthood yeah they have a fine education but guess what they don't know how to do relationships and then you see your child go from one failed relationship to another and all kinds of dysfunction and your daughter dating one controlling guy after another and your son bouncing around and your kids.

[217] You know why?

[218] Because we spent all that time trying to educate their brain and stuff them full of knowledge, but we didn't model for them and teach them, here's how you handle tough things in life.

[219] Here's how you handle conflict.

[220] Here's how you change yourself.

[221] Here's how you demonstrate self -respect.

[222] So work on that.

[223] Use this time.

[224] it will change you and your family for the rest of your life.

[225] This coronavirus thing will, we will eventually get past it, but then you're going to be back in the same spot.

[226] So here's what I would tell my son.

[227] And I love this, it saved our relationship.

[228] He would come at me with that tone.

[229] By the way, I remember one time saying, young man, you can't talk to your father like that.

[230] You know what he said to me?

[231] Just did.

[232] So he was a jerk.

[233] So, no, he's a tough kid.

[234] He was absolutely right about that.

[235] But if you ever meet him at our live events or you talk to him on the phone or you email with him, because he's the one you're going to be talking to, he's a phenomenal kid.

[236] Phenomenal, phenomenal kid, but back then, it was rough.

[237] So one time I remember he came at me with that tone.

[238] Instead of lecturing, instead of getting on him after all I do for you when I was a kid, instead of reacting to him, I actually physically stepped backwards because my, my kind of tradition, my routine at the time was, my instinct at the time was, step up toward him, right?

[239] That's the fear and intimidation.

[240] I'm going to step up to you and I'm going to let you know, but you're not going to talk to me like that.

[241] Instead, I did the opposite and I actually stepped backward and I took a second.

[242] And my tone went very even and I said, huh.

[243] I said, Casey, every time I hear that tone in your voice, it tells me, you're either anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry.

[244] So, you may continue to talk to me like that if you want, but you know how it's going to end.

[245] You're just going to lose everything you own.

[246] You're going to end up in your room.

[247] But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa.

[248] I'll meet you out on the deck.

[249] I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

[250] This became our famous chips and salsa example.

[251] For many years when we were traveling on the road, people would bring to the live events, chips and salsa for us.

[252] So I always joked that I love chips and salsa.

[253] You know why?

[254] Because you never see two people eating chips and salsa, right?

[255] It's always relaxing.

[256] You've thrown a couple of margaritas.

[257] Everybody's happy.

[258] It changes the dynamic.

[259] But let's break this down of why this is important.

[260] So he comes at me with the tone, with the attitude, disrespect, defiance, whatever it is.

[261] You can't react.

[262] You can't take it personally.

[263] I'm a giver of wisdom.

[264] I'm the adult here.

[265] I'm not to watch.

[266] We act like little children.

[267] I can't believe that my child spoke to me that way.

[268] After all I do for him, that's your own issue.

[269] You have to be mature and be the grown -up.

[270] Stop doing everything for your kids.

[271] They didn't ask you to do it.

[272] You did it.

[273] You're doing it for you.

[274] It's a subtle form of manipulation.

[275] Because now that you do everything for them, they owe you.

[276] That hurts, doesn't it?

[277] Stings a little bit.

[278] I don't do any blame guilt or manipulation, but I want stuff to sting so that we all grow up.

[279] and we stopped doing these things hurt ourselves and hurt our kids.

[280] So I'm not going to react to them.

[281] I step back.

[282] I did the opposite of what I normally do.

[283] I step back and now I'm the giver of wisdom.

[284] I'm a giver of perspective.

[285] I'm teaching him.

[286] Discipline means to teach.

[287] You know what?

[288] You're not going to talk to me like that.

[289] Go to your room.

[290] Seriously think about this.

[291] What good does that really do?

[292] Well, I just taught him that he can't talk to me like that and there's a punishment for it.

[293] What's your punishment?

[294] He likes being in this room, probably hoards food up there and he's got his video games.

[295] He didn't teach him anything.

[296] He already knows that what he did is wrong.

[297] Look, your kids already know that backtalk and lying and stealing.

[298] They know all of that is wrong.

[299] They've known since they were two, right?

[300] That's why they lie.

[301] Your kids lie, not because they have integrity issues, but because they're tired of being in trouble and they don't want the consequence, right?

[302] As soon as they're the room doesn't teach them anything, just separate them.

[303] you from your child, right?

[304] So, and there's nothing wrong with that because sometimes at the beginning of this, until you learn how to be calm and control yourself, you got to send them away from you so that you don't murder them, right?

[305] So I get that.

[306] You didn't teach them anything.

[307] When they're up in their room, what did you teach them?

[308] Well, they can't talk to me. Well, they can talk to you like that because they just did.

[309] So look, what I want to get to is the root of this.

[310] So when I looked at Casey and said, hey, every time I hear that tone in your voice, see, I'm watching, I'm following patterns.

[311] I'm noticing behavior patterns and trends.

[312] Look, these things are not new in your home.

[313] They've been happening for years or they've been happening for the last few months.

[314] They've happened 43 times, right?

[315] The last 43 times this has happened, so I'm starting to give some wisdom and perspective.

[316] Casey, listen, I've noticed a pattern here.

[317] When I hear that tone in your voice, not reacting to the tone.

[318] I can't believe it.

[319] You have a tone.

[320] You use tone every day with your kids.

[321] What are you talking about?

[322] Right?

[323] And so when I hear that tone in your voice, it usually tells me, and now I'm identifying the root of the issue form.

[324] It's usually you're anxious because my child struggled with a lot of anxiety, and so do yours.

[325] You're frustrated.

[326] Your kids have a lot of frustration.

[327] Can I tell you, your kids probably, if I was to describe your kids in one word, it would not be defined, would not be disrespectful, would not be rebellious, it would be frustrated.

[328] You have really frustrated kids because they're very, very bright, they find themselves always in trouble, they make a lot of bad choices, and we spend all of our time giving consequences for failure instead of giving them tools to succeed.

[329] And we kind of set them up for failure.

[330] And so they're really frustrated kids.

[331] And so I'm identifying that.

[332] You're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry.

[333] Those are my son's three triggers to this day.

[334] He's 26 now.

[335] Anxious.

[336] So, I've just identified.

[337] You know what else I've told my son?

[338] You're not just a defiant little snot that makes my life difficult, and you're not just a defiant jerk, and that's the reason I don't like you, and I like your brother more, right?

[339] It's what I just told him.

[340] I know what's going on.

[341] Something else is happening here.

[342] Is that not what you want to hear from your spouse or your kids when you're having a bad day?

[343] Mom, it doesn't sound like you.

[344] Sounds like you're overwhelmed.

[345] And I guarantee you if someone looked at you and said, look, that almost made me cry.

[346] Because I said, tell him on to something.

[347] If someone looked at you and said, Mom, that doesn't sound like you.

[348] Or your husband said, honey, that doesn't sound like, it sounds like you're overwhelmed.

[349] And you would start crying because someone, understood that your intention that day isn't just to be a jerk or, you know, some mad person, an angry person, you're just an overwhelmed person who needs some help, right?

[350] Because that's what all of us, when we lash out, what we're really saying is, I need someone to help me. We just tend to take things out on other people, true?

[351] and what we want the other person to do is have the grace and the maturity and the foresight to look at us and say, I'm not going to take that personally, but instead I'm going to be the grown -up and the mature person that says, when you talk like that, it usually tells me that you're overwhelmed and that you need some help.

[352] Would you like to go for a walk and talk for a few minutes and I'll listen and not try to fix you?

[353] Because sometimes all you need is for someone to listen to you so you can get stuff off of your chest and at the end of that you go walk with your spouse i guarantee you men they're men listening and i want you to listen to these men you start doing that with your wife and looking at her instead of saying you're overreacting you're too emotional and say honey it sounds like you're overwhelmed or frustrated would you like to go for a short walk your wife will do anything for you you will find she's you will find she's changes.

[354] Watch, this is beautiful.

[355] I didn't mean it to sound like that, but most men want to have more sex.

[356] And I guarantee you, man, if you want to have more sex with your wife, it's not about changing your wife.

[357] It's not because she's cold.

[358] She doesn't want to do this.

[359] It's you change yourself.

[360] Because the quickest way to change another person's behavior is to control your own and first change yourself.

[361] But I guarantee when you become that man that your wife can look forward to seeing who can handle her emotions and who takes her for a short walk and doesn't try to fix her, doesn't lecture her, and doesn't try to change her, and instead listens to, when you listen to your wife, I guarantee she will be drawn to you, she will feel safe with you, and she will want to jump.

[362] You know what I'm saying?

[363] She will.

[364] Don't get offended by that.

[365] I can't believe you.

[366] Why?

[367] Sex is a good thing when it's done right and when it's within your marriage and not with other people at the office, it's a really good thing.

[368] And in your marriage, it should be a very healthy thing.

[369] And I want men to know most of the time the reason your wife isn't doing that with you is because of you, right?

[370] It's not because of her.

[371] Now, not blaming on you on all you men, but the point is, if you start doing this stuff, you will draw people to you and you'll become the safe place.

[372] So, okay, second, what I hear is anxious, frustrated, hungry.

[373] Listen, why don't you get some chips?

[374] I'll grab some salt.

[375] also.

[376] I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

[377] Now that if you listen to our programs, what you will hear, we go in this in great detail.

[378] I think it's on the stop defines disrespect, the strong -will child one, and some other ones.

[379] Talk about motion changes emotion.

[380] Motion or movement is a tool that we use to calm an upset child.

[381] I never want to go face -to -face with a child when he's upset.

[382] You know, we need to talk about your attitude right now, young man. Tell me in the history of mankind when that has worked well.

[383] It never does.

[384] So, the idea of movement of, hey, why don't you grab some chips?

[385] I'll grab some salsa.

[386] I'll meet you out on the deck in the basement wherever.

[387] Why don't you leash up the dogs?

[388] I'll go grab a couple waters and I'll meet you outside.

[389] See, there's a little bit of movement and there's a little bit of space, but we're meeting back together.

[390] But I'm not going right after him because that always escalates.

[391] So the chips and salsa became a code word.

[392] I encourage you with a things.

[393] I can't go through it all on this, but listen to the programs and we'll go through this in detail.

[394] Code word.

[395] Code words are really important when kids are upset.

[396] When times are tense in your home, you don't want to talk a lot.

[397] It makes kids, people too upset.

[398] So the code word in our home was chips and salsa.

[399] That meant, I need to talk to you about something.

[400] I'm struggling with something.

[401] It's a nice little code word, and I would have a go -to routine.

[402] Have a go -to plan.

[403] When my child is getting upset, I always do X, Y, or Z. Right?

[404] Have a go -to plan.

[405] And I would have a It's like a fire drill.

[406] What do you do during that fire drill?

[407] You plan it.

[408] You practice it.

[409] Our fire drill became chips, salsa out on the deck, doing push -ups, playing catch.

[410] Hey, why don't you go grab the football?

[411] I'll meet you outside.

[412] We'll do that.

[413] Hey, I don't have time for that because I've got eight little kids running around in the kitchen.

[414] Hey, Jordan, I can tell you're upset.

[415] Do me a favor.

[416] If you could grab some flour out of the pantry, I could really use your help cooking and stirring this in.

[417] See, now I'm giving him a job to do and we're not going right away to like, we need to have a talk about that attitude right now, young man. I'm giving him a job to do and we're meeting in a different place.

[418] And now after he got the chips and I got the salsa, now we're back together again and we're sitting.

[419] I love the idea of sitting.

[420] It's very difficult to yell at each other while you're sitting.

[421] I've gone through examples before of coloring, drawing together, painting together.

[422] I've done examples before of where when I can tell my child is getting upset, I just go right to that thing.

[423] I grab the chips.

[424] I start coloring and drawing.

[425] I start doing some push -ups.

[426] I grab a football and throw it up in air a couple times and kind of motion to come outside.

[427] I lead to a calm place.

[428] I lead my child into a relationship.

[429] And the beautiful thing about chips and salsa, and there are a thousand different variations of this is I'm drawing my child to me because now we're in a better place.

[430] We're building with Legos.

[431] We're coloring.

[432] We're drawing.

[433] We're doing push -ups.

[434] We're playing catch with a ball.

[435] We're eating chips and salsa.

[436] We're cooking together.

[437] We're standing next to each other.

[438] We're not looking at each other and facing each other down.

[439] And now that we're both calmed down, I can get to this.

[440] And I'm with my son and I'm saying, okay, so what's going on?

[441] I'm curious.

[442] What's going on?

[443] Remember that?

[444] I'm curious phrase.

[445] Fantastic phrase.

[446] I'm curious.

[447] What's going on?

[448] Something happened in school today.

[449] You're frustrated about it.

[450] something what's going on and now it's not like no what explained to me why you're using that tone well what's that going to lead to now i'm curious i'm like okay so you had a bad day at school today okay so you're frustrated about something okay you're anxious because uh you've got tests coming up or you've got some new uh situation coming up or you're anxious because you don't know what's going to happen with this coronavirus and you're afraid that your grandparents are going to get sick and die.

[451] And so that's why you're acting up or you're frustrated because we've been stuck at home together all the time.

[452] And you're frustrated because I lecture and talk too much or you wanted to go out with your friends and other kids are all out together in groups and we're not letting you do that.

[453] Okay, I get that.

[454] So now how are we going to problem solve?

[455] How can we solve this?

[456] And now I've just turned a situation which usually turned into go to your room right now into I'm with my child teaching him how to solve problems.

[457] I have just communicated.

[458] I can handle you at your worst.

[459] When you're at your worst, I can handle it.

[460] When your world is out of control, mine's not.

[461] I can handle anything you throw my way.

[462] I want you to work on this.

[463] I want this to happen in your home and I know your kids are tough and I know that you have a lot of kids who have anger issues and that's why we go through this either on the motivated kids CDs or on the no BS program.

[464] We go through how to handle that with angry kids and motivating them.

[465] All of this stuff, I want you to work on it.

[466] And here's my promise to you.

[467] We're not traveling for the rest of April.

[468] Download this stuff now.

[469] Download the program.

[470] Start working through it.

[471] Use it as curriculum.

[472] Use it instead of schoolwork.

[473] I promise you will never regret that because your kids aren't going to remember anything they do for school and they're not going to use most of it.

[474] But they'll use this stuff their entire lives.

[475] And as you're working through it, if you have issues, if we have problems, specific questions, email us and just say, hey, working on this, I'm stuck on this.

[476] Can you help me out?

[477] We will walk through.

[478] If you invest in stuff and you work at it, invest emotionally in it and work through this stuff, we will work through this stuff with you because we want this coronavirus time to be a time where we got breakthroughs with our families, in our marriages, with husbands.

[479] I'm getting so many reports of husbands who are changing, who are really stepping up, who get this because our stuff is very practical.

[480] See, a dad can do that.

[481] I get a picture.

[482] I did that, and I was a very emotional type A -driven career military father, my way or the highway type father.

[483] Dad, you can do this stuff.

[484] You can look at that child and say, because dads, a lot of you are problem solvers at work.

[485] You're problem solvers in your profession and your job, and you're good at seeing patterns and you're good at seeing things and solving problems and that's what I want you to see discipline as.

[486] I want you see discipline and solving problems.

[487] It's not about punishing.

[488] He just did that and he sent him to his room.

[489] It doesn't work.

[490] But what I want you see is, your child's struggling.

[491] Huh.

[492] So how can I give him tools to succeed and how can I come along be a resource and a giver of wisdom and perspective to my son so that he comes to me again and again and says, Dad, I'm struggling with something.

[493] I could really use your help.

[494] Would that not be the coolest thing in the world?

[495] And that's what you want dads because you want legacy.

[496] You want your kids to respect you and you want them to not make the same mistakes you made.

[497] But by punishing and yelling and using fear and intimidation and not being able to handle their emotions, you're sending them away from you.

[498] And I want you to draw them to you so that you're eating chips and salts together.

[499] So you're playing catch with your child.

[500] So you're climbing things with them.

[501] And so you're getting down on the ground with them when they're little and you're showing them how to succeed.

[502] And so their dad is their hero and their dad is their go -to and their mom is their go -to person.

[503] So when they become teenagers, they don't vape and get into drugs and go and seek out other disaffected kids, right, who don't have good relationship with their parents.

[504] Instead, your kids come to you and say, I'm really struggling with this, mom, dad.

[505] Can you help me?

[506] That is awesome.

[507] So if we can help you, email Casey, celebrate calm .com.

[508] Casey, C -A -S -E -Y.

[509] If you want to call us 888506, 1871, go to celebratecom .com.

[510] You look up, we've slashed the prices on all the resources, slash them because we want you to have the help and we want you to change.

[511] Love you all.

[512] Keep working at this stuff.

[513] It's going to be awesome.

[514] Bye -bye.