Armchair Anonymous: Pet Sitting

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous and Jack Shepherd.

[4] I'm joined by Mrs. Padman.

[5] Hi.

[6] We have a good one.

[7] When you hear Mrs. Padman, do you think of Nirmie?

[8] Does it immediately make you feel like someone's talking about Nirmie?

[9] No?

[10] No, I don't.

[11] Oh, interesting.

[12] I really don't.

[13] Because no one called my mom that.

[14] Yeah.

[15] It doesn't actually, even now that I've asked it, if I hear Mr. Shepard, I don't sound like my dad.

[16] Yeah.

[17] Do you know this about me that my dad and I's voices were so similar?

[18] Really?

[19] And I could do him so well that all through high school, 11th and 12th grade, I called in every third morning for myself and said, hey, Dave Shepard, I just want to say Dax run a little bit late.

[20] I think he'll probably be in a run.

[21] And I would just talk to the fucking.

[22] receptionist at my high school, and it worked 100 % of the time.

[23] Yeah, you make it a little, like, raspier or something.

[24] Okay.

[25] But did it sound like your normal voice normally?

[26] Well, what would happen?

[27] I think maybe the reason it occurred to me I could pull this off was that when I lived with him, every time I'd pick up the phone at his house, I'd go, hello, and people just go, oh, my God, Shepard did you?

[28] And they would launch into it, and I'd have to, like, pause them.

[29] They'd be, like, launching right into talking to my dad.

[30] And they would go, oh, my God, that's so crazy.

[31] That was regularly happening.

[32] So it worked like a charm.

[33] That's interesting.

[34] Mm -hmm.

[35] I don't sound like either of my parents.

[36] No, well, your mother has a very thick southern accent.

[37] She is a southern accent, yeah.

[38] Yes, yes.

[39] Yeah, so you would have to affect one.

[40] Yeah, and I don't do accents.

[41] Right.

[42] You can't even do a southern accent?

[43] I won't.

[44] Do you think you ever had one, like when you were a little kid?

[45] I doubt it.

[46] Yeah.

[47] Kelly doesn't have one either.

[48] Uh -uh.

[49] I guess Atlanta folks don't necessarily.

[50] It's because she grew up in, don't, Don't say it.

[51] Don't say it.

[52] Savannah.

[53] That's right.

[54] Good job.

[55] Savannah's got a nice thicky.

[56] Oh, yeah.

[57] Oh, yeah.

[58] Okay, that's neither here nor there.

[59] We do not have crazy accent stories for you today on Armchair Anonymous.

[60] We have crazy pet sitting incidences.

[61] These are juicy.

[62] These are dozies.

[63] They really are.

[64] And we get to hear from Monica's favorite podcaster on this one.

[65] Yes, Andy Rosen of Andy and Elizabeth, nobody's listening.

[66] Yes.

[67] Wonderful.

[68] So please enjoy crazy pet sitting incidences.

[69] All times Come and go Take them slow I'm shining Andy We normally keep people Fairly anonymous But in this case We have to break it You're a very important guest Andy of Elizabeth And Andy Nobody's listening right Who I talk about Pretty much Every episode Every episode Favorite podcast Appreciate it Our saint over there Oh my goodness You're our main sponsor We have ads Sure, but then you can buy a whole episode, like integrated the sponsor, and you guys are our main sponsor.

[70] I'm so happy to be that.

[71] Incredible.

[72] And then how convenient that you have a crazy pet sitting incident.

[73] Oh, we're so excited.

[74] Yeah, yeah.

[75] We had a mutual fan that hit me up and was like, you got to tell them what happened to Dear Pilot.

[76] And you were scared that maybe that would ruin the relationship.

[77] Yeah, potentially.

[78] Well, so many relationships.

[79] Oh, boy.

[80] Can I first just say, I really like this pair of prints behind you.

[81] Thank you.

[82] My wife is responsible for that, but this is my studio, and it needed a little spruce up.

[83] And she was like, what about these?

[84] And I was like, oh, yeah, those look pretty cool.

[85] Yeah, so let me describe them for the listener.

[86] One is a photograph in a white neutral background of a rotary phone that is pure white as well.

[87] And then its partner is a old -fashioned typewriter, also dead white in a white background.

[88] Yeah.

[89] Really nice.

[90] We love it.

[91] And I don't want to offend you, Andy, but I guessed your wife had picked those out.

[92] Yeah.

[93] I think every single person on earth would think that, seeing this backdrop behind me. If the man picks it out, you get a fucking dog.

[94] A great dane behind you.

[95] Yeah, yeah.

[96] So I think Dax picked that out.

[97] That's right.

[98] In fact, when Kristen moved in, this was one of only nine things that were hanging in my house.

[99] And she was like, okay, a lot of dogs in here.

[100] But you don't like dogs, right?

[101] No. But I love paintings, impression.

[102] Regal dogs.

[103] It's a true miracle.

[104] You still have that.

[105] Look at his mic.

[106] He's so prepped.

[107] Oh, look at you guys.

[108] Yeah, we're Twinsies.

[109] Yeah, Twinsies.

[110] Was it DB7?

[111] SM 7D?

[112] B. 7B.

[113] We don't know.

[114] We don't know.

[115] We don't know.

[116] We're doing it.

[117] I bet Andy knew.

[118] He's a music producer.

[119] Yeah, I got this.

[120] Okay.

[121] Shall we jump in?

[122] Let's talk about this pet sitting incident.

[123] Yeah.

[124] I was probably about 24 living in New York in Manhattan, had been there for a while.

[125] and my best friend Dharma was going on a trip and recruiting people to look after his pet parent.

[126] Okay.

[127] Already, Dharma is a man. Dharma is a man. I guess my only association with Dharma is Dharma and Greg, and wasn't Dharma the girl?

[128] Because Greg had to be the guy.

[129] Yeah.

[130] I had a similar situation.

[131] When I started high school, I saw the roster of people that I was going to be joining for high school.

[132] And I saw Dharma, just assumed it was a girl until the first day.

[133] And then we became bestest of friends.

[134] Okay, so Darma's going out of town.

[135] He's got a pet, what, parakeet?

[136] He's got a pet parrot.

[137] So I don't know what type of parrot.

[138] It was on the smaller, greenish side.

[139] Okay.

[140] But an adorable, adorable bird.

[141] Do we have a name?

[142] Pilot.

[143] Pilot.

[144] Oh, boy.

[145] I'm already sad.

[146] It's kind of the best name ever for a bird.

[147] It is.

[148] I was a little familiar with birds because my brother had two parrots.

[149] Now he has one parrot.

[150] I'd kind of been around them a little bit, and then when I would cross pass with pilot, I liked the bird, but I'm not a bird guy.

[151] It turns out I was a little reluctant to take the pet sitting gig, according to Dharma in his recollection of everything.

[152] Because you were 24 in Manhattan, and you were busy out and around town.

[153] Not responsible.

[154] Yeah.

[155] Heavy drinker or anything at that point?

[156] Yeah.

[157] Very heavy drinker.

[158] Okay, great.

[159] I would want nothing.

[160] Was Elizabeth in the picture at this point?

[161] This was a little before Elizabeth.

[162] And just to give you an idea of that drinking, a fun night for us was like riding in cardboard boxes down the stairs of our apartment building.

[163] Like we were having fun in Manhattan at the time.

[164] Right.

[165] Circa jackass is popular.

[166] Yeah, definitely those days.

[167] Yeah, yeah.

[168] There's a story that I think you would like, you with roommates, drank something disgusting for like $5.

[169] Is this right?

[170] It was like a gravity bong mixed with Kool -Aid and urine.

[171] You know, your typical pair, boy stuff.

[172] Your typical male right of passage.

[173] Yeah, yeah.

[174] But yeah, so I was tasked with watching pilot.

[175] The gig was described.

[176] You just got to fill up his water, fill up the food, scratch it behind the ears a little bit, check in on it.

[177] I think it was once or twice a day.

[178] How long was Dharma scheduled to be away?

[179] Like about a week.

[180] And so about halfway into the trip, I came in and Pilot was dead.

[181] Oh, fuck.

[182] Just laying in the cage?

[183] Yeah.

[184] Bottom of the bird cage dead.

[185] Oh, this is a nightmare.

[186] I know you're not an ornithologist, but real quick, how long do those things live?

[187] There's 20 -some years, maybe?

[188] Yeah, they can go the distance.

[189] Right.

[190] It sounded like it was a gerbil, right?

[191] It shouldn't have died in this week, I guess, is what I'm asking.

[192] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That moment, I can still feel how bad it feels I am responsible.

[193] It's dead.

[194] I don't know what I did or didn't do.

[195] All I want is it to come back to life.

[196] Oh.

[197] Yeah.

[198] I don't know what to do, and I'm panicking.

[199] So I decide that I need to take the bird to the vet to find out.

[200] Oh.

[201] Like an autopsy?

[202] situation.

[203] I have a hunch you just felt so bad that when you presented this story to Dharma, you wanted to have proven you did everything possible.

[204] Like I got a hunch.

[205] You had no illusions that this thing was, but you're like, and I took it to the vet.

[206] Like, you're just trying to mitigate how shitty you feel by doing something after the fact, maybe.

[207] I think you're completely right.

[208] And if I'm completely honest, I even think I'm here right now hoping that this will even help.

[209] Help some of the tension surrounding this incident in our relationship.

[210] Okay.

[211] I was looming in the Lower East Side.

[212] Darmus Place was in the East Village, and so I knew there was a vet near my apartment.

[213] I grabbed pilot, and I think I put pilot in a little box or something, and I start trekking towards this vet that's by my apartment.

[214] And, I mean, I can remember this receptionist.

[215] Who knows exactly what I said, but it was basically like this bird, Is it dead?

[216] What can I do?

[217] Do you know why?

[218] I remember looking at me like, yeah, dude, this bird's dead.

[219] Plush it down the toilet or whatever you do.

[220] So she gave me one little bit of comfort and she said, well, it does look like the bird was molting a little, which I guess is the feathers, you know, coming off or something.

[221] And she's like, so, you know, that could mean that maybe it was already sick.

[222] So I was clinging, clinging to that.

[223] Sure.

[224] Although, I'm so sorry.

[225] that's not comforting like okay your bird's dead that's terrible also it looks like it was probably your fault he was clearly sick for a while if you hadn't laughed i mean that's not going to help anyone for him to find out well it's gonna help and eat like it's not his fault yeah it takes me off the hook yeah yeah yeah okay because i feel like the killer right now yes through negligence right so i took the bird up to my apartment where my roommates Travis and julian were and told Then what happened, and they thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard in their lives, which made me feel horrible because I was really alone.

[226] Oh.

[227] They instantly saw the humor in it, but thought it was hilarious that I took a dead bird to the vet.

[228] Yeah.

[229] So I decided to wrap the bird up.

[230] I remember I wrapped it up in like a little pink t -shirt, and I put it in a box.

[231] And then I decided the best place for it would be back at Dharma's apartment in his freezer.

[232] Yeah.

[233] Oh, sure.

[234] That makes sense.

[235] Yeah.

[236] At this point, I feel like you've gone rogue.

[237] You've like, something got unhinged.

[238] That's what I would do too, because you've got to preserve it.

[239] You can't let it rot in his living room.

[240] You're not going to flush down the toilet.

[241] You're not going to bury.

[242] We don't know what he wants to do with the remains.

[243] So you want to cryogenically freeze it.

[244] I guess.

[245] Okay.

[246] And hope science catches up by the time Charming gets home.

[247] Right.

[248] I can't discard the bird.

[249] Burying it doesn't seem right.

[250] And you're now probably debating whether you let him enjoy his holiday or tell him mid -trip.

[251] Dilemma number two.

[252] Huge dilemma.

[253] So what I land on is I'm not going to tell him mid -trip.

[254] That seems like a very bad idea.

[255] But I do need to tell him before he gets home to his house.

[256] I remember this so vividly.

[257] So whatever day he was coming back, I was like, I'll try him the day before that.

[258] And I was at work.

[259] I called him, couldn't get through or anything.

[260] Finally, later in the day, I call him and get a hold of him.

[261] I think I just had like a weird vibe about the whole thing.

[262] But I tell him, hey, Dharma, I'm really.

[263] Sorry, pilot's dead.

[264] Pilots passed.

[265] He doesn't believe me. Oh.

[266] He thinks that I'm joking with him.

[267] So I reached out to him to find out, like, why did you think I was joking about this?

[268] And he says, just because I was so like, I'm not the guy for the job.

[269] I'm not responsible.

[270] You know, when I house sit, the plants die.

[271] And that I was, like, very heavy -handed with the, like, I'm not the guy.

[272] I'm not responsible.

[273] So he thought it was.

[274] a bit that I called him in Spain to tell him I killed his bird.

[275] And literally the phone call ends with him thinking it's a joke.

[276] I'm going to argue that might be best case scenario because your side of the street is clean.

[277] You've told him Pilot's fight is over.

[278] He's going to get home.

[279] Pilot will not be in the cage.

[280] And then I'll go, where the fuck this bit sucks?

[281] You'll say open the freezer.

[282] You're really in tune with, I think, where I was at here.

[283] And also you're going to find out where Dharma was at here, sort of.

[284] I decide there's no way I can leave it with him thinking it's a joke before he gets home.

[285] That seems crazy to me. And it makes me feel worse that he's going to walk home and find a dead bird.

[286] I finally get a hold of him and was like, hey, man, I'm serious.

[287] Pilots dead.

[288] Dead as fuck.

[289] And so he didn't believe me until I tell him about the pink teeth.

[290] shirt in the freezer and that the bird is in the free because he's like where is it then and so he didn't believe me until i got into all those other details and then he was like oh that's pretty specific yeah yeah this is a bit that's gone too far otherwise alternative reality it was a bit he didn't believe you you then murdered pilot oh my oh my god there's another universe in which that was the order of events oh no You had to live in this.

[291] Fuck you.

[292] He doesn't believe me. I'll show him.

[293] You had to live in this space for so long.

[294] It kept getting dragged out and dragged out.

[295] Yeah, four days.

[296] Took you a long time to have to tell him.

[297] Then he's not believing.

[298] You have to tell him again.

[299] This is awful.

[300] Yeah, my friend's ridiculing me. I really was alone with a bird I couldn't bring back to life.

[301] Oh, do we find out what happened?

[302] No. So, I mean, there are theories.

[303] One is just molting it.

[304] The bird was sick, right?

[305] and something else was going on.

[306] I feel so weird saying this because I'm worried Dharma will hear this now.

[307] I fear we sometimes would smoke on his fire escape.

[308] Okay.

[309] There's one theory that I bounced around if I was guilty that maybe the cold air could have hurt pilot.

[310] Maybe I wasn't keeping the smoke out on the fire escape as well as I could and the bird, you know, got some in his lungs.

[311] Small cell carcinoma in three days?

[312] Those are my two, like, what could I've done wrong?

[313] I'm going to hit you with maybe the saddest of all theories.

[314] Oh, I know what it is.

[315] Yeah, you miss Dharma so much.

[316] I didn't think he was coming back.

[317] Killed himself.

[318] And just said, I quit.

[319] Dharma killed the bird.

[320] I'll let this fucking cigarette smoking drunk deal with it.

[321] If he can get out of his cardboard box long enough, I'll let him deal with it.

[322] Abandonment will kill.

[323] Died of a broken heart, perhaps.

[324] That's a sweeter ending in some.

[325] he put no blame on you i can't imagine no i think it was awkward we were best friends but he definitely had like another friend group that i wasn't as part of that when i was part of that parties i was like the guy that killed pilot sort of thing sure sure yeah at least that's how i felt you know what i mean yeah we got through it did you ask him for the shirt back at any point Hey, Dharma, it's, it's been a couple months since we lost Pilot.

[326] Just out of curiosity, did you end up burying them in that pink shirt?

[327] I know this is so stupid, but I do want to say for the record, it wasn't that I forgot to feed or water pilot.

[328] I just want everybody to know in case anyone, or if Dharma hears this, thinks that that's what happened.

[329] It wasn't what happened.

[330] A bird's cold -blooded, real slow metabolism.

[331] Pilot could have gone a week, I bet, without eating.

[332] It's not like a mammal.

[333] That's not even on the table, starvation.

[334] Water.

[335] I don't know.

[336] I don't know.

[337] How much water they take in or whatever?

[338] Just to be clear, the water was plentiful.

[339] Did you feel at any point defensive?

[340] Like, I said I didn't want to do this.

[341] And now look where I am.

[342] That's where I probably would have gone.

[343] No, what's interesting is I don't remember any of that, even though that's kind of how Dharma frames the origin of it.

[344] But I don't remember it.

[345] All I feel was guilt.

[346] What can I do to bring this bird back alive?

[347] Yeah.

[348] The gal at the vet, obviously, didn't charge you an examination fee or anything.

[349] I didn't even make it past the receptionist.

[350] This was like, you got a dead bird here, buddy.

[351] They're dealing with a lot of tears and dead animals.

[352] Yeah.

[353] But not this level of stupidity of like, no, it's dead.

[354] That's a dead bird you got.

[355] Last question, did it cross your mind to just go buy another parrot?

[356] Oh, yes.

[357] I was wondering that.

[358] No, because they were so close.

[359] Pilate had a vibe and a flare.

[360] There's no, there's no way.

[361] Like, this was a special, special guy.

[362] Yeah.

[363] God.

[364] We lost them.

[365] Wow.

[366] Well, Andy.

[367] That was delightful.

[368] I mean, it was terrible, but it was also delightful.

[369] I feel like you're the victim.

[370] I'm just going to say that.

[371] Yeah, you didn't sign up for a bird, yet you had to walk him into the end zone.

[372] But I didn't even help him walk into the end zone, really.

[373] No, you just left.

[374] dealt with.

[375] I just put them in the freezer and a t -shirt.

[376] Yeah.

[377] All right.

[378] Oh, well, Andy, that was lovely.

[379] Thank you so much for sharing that story with us.

[380] I feel better getting it off my chest.

[381] I appreciate you guys so much.

[382] And if you haven't heard me say, listen to nobody's listening, right?

[383] You should be listening to that.

[384] Absolutely.

[385] Stop this right now.

[386] Stop it.

[387] And go listen to that and then come back.

[388] And never listen to us again.

[389] Yeah.

[390] You guys are the sweetest.

[391] All right.

[392] Thanks for chatting.

[393] Bye.

[394] Bye.

[395] Bye.

[396] Oh, this is reminding me. I had to watch Laura's fish.

[397] Oh, yes.

[398] It was reminding me of it a lot, too.

[399] And I was getting, no, he didn't die on my watch, but I was getting so anxious the whole time.

[400] She brought his bowl downstairs to my apartment.

[401] I was like, you know, will you watch Zach?

[402] His name was Zach.

[403] I was like, no, I don't want to be in charge of this.

[404] Absolutely not.

[405] It was a really disgusting gray beta fish, like looked gross.

[406] Yeah.

[407] And I just spent the whole.

[408] week staring at Zach to see if he was breathing.

[409] Right.

[410] You were very nervous.

[411] But he did die shortly thereafter.

[412] Yeah, but not on my watch.

[413] On the Hansons?

[414] No, no, at Laura's.

[415] On her birthday.

[416] Oh, rude.

[417] Remember mine, when Brie and I broke up, she got this adorable dog.

[418] The only dog I've ever really loved.

[419] Oh, yeah, Mac.

[420] I love Shaky, too.

[421] But Mac was the first dog I really loved.

[422] Little Brussels Gryphon.

[423] He was so cute and tiny.

[424] And she was going out of time.

[425] She asked me if I could watch him and i didn't want to because i don't scared well i don't want to be responsible for a dog i don't want to get up and feed it and all that i just didn't want to do it yeah but i did it and of course i fall in love with him really quickly and this is the worst event of my life i'm on my patio at the old house and i'm in a hammock and i'm talking on the phone and mac was just kind of like hanging around and i heard something in the way backyard well what's that i don't know i'm on the phone another minute goes by then i'm like what was that noise and then I look around and I don't see Mac I hang up I go down around to the back of the house where the swimming pool is in the covers on the swimming pool and Mac is in the deep end I don't understand how he even got in there I think he thought he could walk on the cover maybe or something but I don't know yeah I don't know what he was doing he wasn't drawn to water when I swam in there he didn't want anything to do with it but he got himself do you think he missed Bree and was trying to kill himself no I don't I think it was a mix up he's a little boy he got confused he wanted to walk on that blue thing but by the time I got down there there's a little gap between the pool cover and the lip of the pool and he's in it and he's the size of a mouse and he's paling his heart out and I realized oh my god he's been in there for a minute or two but he was above water though right yes okay and then I pulled him out and I held him like a baby and I was staring down at him and he was shaking and a couple of tears fell on him those were my first tears in like 15 years that's kind of what broke the seal It's really, it's such a sweet story.

[426] Oh, I was just like, heartbroken at the thought of it.

[427] Yes, and he must have been so scared and he was paddling so hard.

[428] Oh, I hated it.

[429] I just already loved him at that point.

[430] I was dealing with my own thought of loss.

[431] But then, of course, hours later, I was like, oh, my God, and what if I had to tell Bree?

[432] Oh, my God.

[433] Yeah, the dog drowned while I was, because I was hanging in a hammock chatting with somebody.

[434] Too much responsibility.

[435] I'm surprised I ever nannied.

[436] What's up, guys?

[437] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[438] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[439] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[440] And I don't mean just friends.

[441] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[442] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[443] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[444] We've all been there.

[445] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pain.

[446] debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[447] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[448] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[449] Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[450] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[451] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[452] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[453] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[454] Here's Alex.

[455] Okay.

[456] Poor girl.

[457] We don't know you.

[458] This is fun.

[459] It's always fun when there's an Alex.

[460] I think a girl.

[461] Alexandra or Alexander?

[462] The great.

[463] Or Alexandrov.

[464] The great.

[465] Hello.

[466] How's he going?

[467] Rob was wrong, so we're delighted.

[468] He said you were going to be a female.

[469] When you see Alex, you get excited.

[470] Is it going to be a boy or a girl?

[471] That's true.

[472] My name is Alex Keating, and I'm named after Michael J. Fox from Family Ties.

[473] That is impossible.

[474] Is that true?

[475] Yes.

[476] Are you Alex P. Keaton?

[477] Is that what it was?

[478] I'm not.

[479] I'm Alex R. Keating, but my parents loved him, and so they named me after that.

[480] which is funny because like I didn't see the show growing up so I have a bunch of adults ask me or not adults I'm an adult but older people ask me if I'm named after him and I'm like yep but I don't know who he is oh I watched the show it was fantastic although I will say as great as the show was I can't imagine wanting your child to resemble him he carried a briefcase to school and stuff he wanted to be like a CEO in 10th grade are you a CEO currently did it pan out I actually am, yeah.

[481] Okay.

[482] But of a very small company in Colorado.

[483] Okay.

[484] Cors?

[485] Yep, that's the one.

[486] Anizer Bush?

[487] I own a tutoring company.

[488] Oh, wonderful.

[489] That's nice.

[490] Okay.

[491] You have an unfortunate pet sitting story?

[492] I do.

[493] A little bit of background required.

[494] So I grew up in Colorado and I went to a very wealthy high school.

[495] I was not wealthy at all.

[496] But I dated a girl who was very, very, very wealthy.

[497] She introduced me to some of her family friends who were also very wealthy, and they ended up kind of hiring me throughout high school for odd jobs, like mow their lawn, house sit, bartend at some of their like Christmas parties, you know, just stuff like that.

[498] Wealthy people always need bodies, man. They did.

[499] And I was happy to do it.

[500] It was kind of easy work, and that always took really good care of me. They were very nice.

[501] So anyway, my senior year of high school, they were going to Italy for a month.

[502] And they had houses here, one in New York, and one in San Diego.

[503] Dang.

[504] I know.

[505] And so they said, hey, would you fly out to New York for a month and watch our dog?

[506] What?

[507] That sounds great.

[508] Yeah.

[509] I was like, absolutely.

[510] I had to talk to my mom, make sure it was okay.

[511] I did have some friends who went to Lake George in New York for the summer.

[512] So I was like, well, I can meet up with them a little bit.

[513] Presumably, they've got like a gangster apartment you're going to stay in.

[514] Yes.

[515] Oh, shit.

[516] We're talking like upper west side, upper east side.

[517] It was on Central Park West.

[518] Oh, shit.

[519] Okay.

[520] Looking at the park.

[521] I love this.

[522] They fly me out first class.

[523] Oh.

[524] It's like Richie Rich.

[525] I know.

[526] This is like a movie.

[527] It was very new for me. And then I got to their building and it was one of those buildings where you take the elevator up and when the elevator opens, you're in the apartment.

[528] And they have a black lab, which I had house sit before in Colorado.

[529] And I knew him pretty.

[530] well.

[531] So anyway, the first night I'd get there and have some pizza, hang out, watch the movies, hanging out with the dog, go to bed, wake up the next morning, and the dog had died.

[532] No, that fast.

[533] Day one.

[534] Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[535] Just, we've got to pause for one second.

[536] Immediately in a snap, my mind went to weekend at Bernie's.

[537] Like, you still need this month in this gangster pad, in the paycheck.

[538] We got to act like this dog is not dead for a while.

[539] Yep.

[540] Okay, that's just where my selfish mind went.

[541] I didn't.

[542] do that.

[543] So I called them.

[544] Oh, that was nice.

[545] They were in Italy and I said, hey, your dog died.

[546] I'm really, really sorry.

[547] And they were like, well, you know, he was 13 years old.

[548] And so it seemed like all normal, all natural, I guess.

[549] So I was like, well, what do you want to do?

[550] Do you want to come home?

[551] Do you want me to leave?

[552] And they're like, no, no, we flew you out there.

[553] You can go ahead and stay.

[554] Wow.

[555] Oh, my God.

[556] You didn't have to lie.

[557] So I said, well, okay, I can't leave your dog here for a month.

[558] Like, what do you want me to do?

[559] And they were like, well, can you take him to the vet and get him cremated?

[560] This is kind of where it gets weird on my part, I guess.

[561] I didn't know what to do because I had to take a cab, and I didn't know if a cab would let me put a dead dog in the cab.

[562] Corpse, yeah.

[563] I played football in high school.

[564] So I had one of those, like, big duffel bags that has just, the one singular shoulder strap.

[565] Yeah, it's what we see in movies when someone murders someone and wants to get them out of the building.

[566] Exactly.

[567] Yes.

[568] And so, I put the dog in that.

[569] Oh.

[570] What was it like?

[571] I hate to ask us, but like picking up the dead dog.

[572] I go to throw it over my shoulder and it's cheaply made.

[573] It was given to me by my high school.

[574] So it had the little holes that were plastic and the shoulder strap hooked to it like that.

[575] That immediately broke.

[576] Oh.

[577] So I was carrying it like this.

[578] Like you'd carry a baby how, or like a fireman's.

[579] Exactly.

[580] A fireman's over the shoulder.

[581] Oh, sorry.

[582] Yeah, that's where he started.

[583] I think her question was, though, and now I want to know, was the dog already stiff?

[584] Yeah, was it rigormous?

[585] Was it hard to, like, push his legs into the...

[586] Right.

[587] Do you have to break anything?

[588] Getting it in the bag.

[589] No, it was pretty easy.

[590] I wasn't, like, snap.

[591] I don't think it's rigamortis.

[592] I don't think that had set in.

[593] You have to go get rent a saw as all.

[594] Right.

[595] Oh, God.

[596] I go downstairs, Dorman, I guess, calls me a cab.

[597] I put the dog in the trunk, and he takes me to the vet.

[598] I get out, holding it like this, and there's a sign on the door of the vet's office as it says, we have moved.

[599] Oh.

[600] But it was only like 10 blocks that way.

[601] I was like, all right, I'm just going to walk.

[602] I'm going to hop it.

[603] So I'm carrying this thing.

[604] I'm 18.

[605] I weigh like probably a buck 60 The dog weighed 80 Oh my god It's hard for me Full disclosure I like drop it occasionally Did you consider throwing it over your shoulder for a little bit?

[606] You consider just leaving the fucking bag on the sidewalk When I was 18 I think I would have just walked away from the bag I did consider just throwing it away Yes I was like no no no no So you guys know You've walked New York Like the streets are crowded It's summer I'm dripping sweat And this guy Comes up to me He goes man You look like you're struggling Do you need some help And he's a big guy Like 6 -3 You just motioned towards me And I thank you so much Yeah you're a big guy Thank you so much It felt great He goes You need some help And I'm like yes Please I need some help So he takes it throws it over his shoulder Oh That's great So we start walking.

[607] We get like two blocks in and we're at a crosswalk.

[608] And he goes, hey, this is heavy.

[609] What's in here?

[610] Oh, fuck.

[611] I wasn't about to tell him.

[612] I mean, there's just no way I was going to be like, hey, there's a dead dog in there.

[613] So I was just like, oh, it's just a bunch of my crap.

[614] So light turns green.

[615] He drops the bag, grabs me, throws me into the street.

[616] He puts his feet in front of mine, so I fall.

[617] Picks up the bag, runs away.

[618] Wait.

[619] What?

[620] Whoa.

[621] Yeah.

[622] No. Oh my.

[623] I'm laying in the middle of the street.

[624] I'm like, my elbows are bleeding.

[625] I start to like cry because I'm like, I'm just like, what just happened?

[626] Yeah.

[627] And so I was mugged in New York for a dead dog.

[628] Holy shit.

[629] That is such karma that that person's going to go.

[630] and open up that bag thinking he got a whole bunch of money.

[631] And now he's got a deal with a dead dog.

[632] That's right.

[633] My brain went to another place.

[634] Like, okay, you say it was 80 pounds.

[635] I'd be thinking there's a woman in there, you know, or you're 20 pounds off.

[636] Feeling the like joints and stuff.

[637] Yeah, appendages.

[638] That's what I thought, too.

[639] Like, he realized it was a person and he was trying to.

[640] And he was going to subdue you and call the police, but no. He stole it from me. What I think's funny is there's somebody out there that probably thinks I'm some sort of, psychopath because he got home and unzipped that bag and there's a dead dog yeah he probably was like i got lucky man i pushed the wrong guy we're lucky he didn't get up and stab me in the neck you know i thought it was weird even when you said somebody offered you in new york yeah yeah yeah that's suspicious although i was the same but i was thinking this is a fucking 18 year old kid from colorado even though shitty new yorkers are going to sometimes have some compassion If someone offers now, there's no way I say yes.

[641] Yeah.

[642] But at 18, I was like, yes, please.

[643] Wow.

[644] Wow, that's amazing.

[645] And he took off.

[646] Did you tell the family?

[647] What did you ever tell the family?

[648] I did, yeah.

[649] I called them and told them.

[650] And, I mean, now we all just laugh about it.

[651] But at the time, I was just like, I have no idea what to do.

[652] Did they reimburse you for the bag?

[653] No, they did it.

[654] But I ended up staying out there and having a great time.

[655] and it was wild.

[656] But I've told this story now to you guys, and then I told it on a radio station in Colorado for like a house -sitting horror story, and I won Bronco tickets.

[657] Oh, wonderful.

[658] Yeah, so that was cool.

[659] Well, we're going to keep your email.

[660] If we do a Denver show again, you have free tickets to that.

[661] How about that?

[662] I went to the Denver show here when Monica was the guest.

[663] Oh, wow.

[664] That was so long ago.

[665] It was.

[666] It was awesome.

[667] I'm supposed to say two things.

[668] The first thing is that my son, Sister -in -law was on Armchared Anonymous.

[669] Which story?

[670] She was the cot masturbating butt exercises.

[671] Loved her.

[672] Yeah, we fell in love with her.

[673] She was awesome.

[674] Oh, she was watching Little Mermaid?

[675] Aladdin.

[676] Jasmine, yeah.

[677] And her butt exercise.

[678] Against the carpeted steps.

[679] Oh, how fun.

[680] So I think we might be the first family members that have made it on for two different stories, which is kind of cool.

[681] Yeah, you got to prime your.

[682] I guess wife, her sister, we got to figure out something bonkers that's happened to her.

[683] She was saying that.

[684] She was like, I'm so mad.

[685] I don't have any cool stories.

[686] Well, next month we have wild card.

[687] Most embarrassing far.

[688] Maybe she's had an embarrassing part.

[689] I think that's our best part.

[690] We don't even need stories.

[691] I'm embarrassed to even say that.

[692] I know.

[693] What was the second thing?

[694] The second thing is that Monica You and I drive the exact same car.

[695] Do you love it?

[696] It's my dream car.

[697] It's the best.

[698] I saved for like 10 years and paid cash for it.

[699] It was the best thing ever.

[700] Yeah, it's a white C -43 AMG.

[701] Have you been hitting it yet?

[702] No. Okay.

[703] Well, you feel free.

[704] There will be no scratches.

[705] Yeah, Monica got bombed.

[706] No issue.

[707] Twins.

[708] Love it.

[709] And do you agree with me?

[710] I try to tell Monica all the time, you drive that car like you're one bad bitch.

[711] Because when a dude sees that car, looking at the car and then when he sees miniature mouse in there he's like oh this is a bad bitch a hundred percent every time you get in it goes fast as you can oh it's loud as hell it is so loud i want you guys to have a meetup we should drag race yes absolutely you'd beat me though no my money's on alex she's not she's not laying into that thing the way i want or two okay in fact i've had to take her for a ride or two in it just so she knows what it'll do can't you go to the amg track Isn't there one in California?

[712] We should look into that.

[713] There is it, I think, yeah.

[714] You know, it's cool, Alex.

[715] This is sexist, but it's rare.

[716] I know when Monica arrives.

[717] I hear it coming from like a little bit half block away, and I'm like, oh, Monica's here.

[718] That's a rare.

[719] Why is that sexist?

[720] Because chicks aren't normally driving, like, turbo -d -up monster cars.

[721] I've never known another woman where I heard her arrive.

[722] You're like, oh.

[723] You know, I got a few buddies, knuckleheads like me. I know.

[724] I worry about that a little bit.

[725] You do?

[726] Well, just like, oh, God, am I being so ostentatation?

[727] Like that.

[728] Like, everyone knows I'm coming.

[729] No, it's perfect for you.

[730] I agree.

[731] I think if they see me, they're just like, yeah, whatever.

[732] Yeah.

[733] You jump out of that car and they're like, holy shit.

[734] Yeah, I like that.

[735] So I totally agree.

[736] Last thing I'm going to say, Alex, is we have matching headphones.

[737] I mean, not currently, but those are the same.

[738] Are they the green ones?

[739] The silver.

[740] They're a Monica's gift guide, right?

[741] Yes.

[742] That's right.

[743] I'm kind of mad you're married, all right.

[744] I feel like this could be a wonderful marriage.

[745] It would have been so cool, same cars.

[746] Yeah, his and hers.

[747] We would be incredible coming out of the garage.

[748] It will be so jealous.

[749] The neighbors would be like, God, these two got to leave at the same time.

[750] We hate them.

[751] Oh, man. That was fun.

[752] Well, we're kind of in love with you, Alex.

[753] This was wonderful.

[754] And what a crazy story.

[755] Yeah.

[756] And we have your email, and you can hold me to it if we go back to Denver, free tickets for you and your friends.

[757] friends.

[758] Thank you so much.

[759] Keep doing what you're doing.

[760] It's incredible.

[761] Thank you.

[762] Thank you.

[763] Thank you.

[764] Thank you.

[765] All right.

[766] We'll talk again.

[767] Thanks, guys.

[768] Have a good one.

[769] Man, the streets of New York, you don't know what's going on.

[770] We've heard two stories of people walking with dead animals.

[771] Yeah.

[772] I'm shocked.

[773] I've been there tons of times.

[774] I've lived there for months at a time to work.

[775] I don't recall seeing any dead animal.

[776] But they're in bags and baskets.

[777] Ding, ding, ding.

[778] Back to Mac.

[779] Uh -huh.

[780] Oh, yeah.

[781] Yeah, doing when in Rome with Kristen, we're walking through the meatpacking district.

[782] I always stop and look at Brussels, Grafant, because I'm in love with Mack.

[783] None of them are as cute as Mac.

[784] Mac looks like a Magu.

[785] It looks like Gizmo.

[786] We're walking.

[787] We come up on this guy.

[788] He's got a little Brussels in a basket on his bike.

[789] And I go, oh, my God, look how cute he is.

[790] I'm telling Kristen, I'm like, oh, my God, this is the only one I've ever met.

[791] That's as cute as Mac.

[792] And he goes, oh, my God, you know Mac.

[793] And I go, wait.

[794] You know Mac?

[795] And he goes, this is Mac's brother.

[796] I know.

[797] This is story so impossible.

[798] How is that?

[799] And he goes, I forget the actresses name, but Brie got him from a New York actress who was doing a movie for her boss, whatever.

[800] And it was fucking Max brother.

[801] I know.

[802] That story is so insane.

[803] And sometimes Eric, when he's talking about crazy things, he's always like, it's not as weird as the dog brother.

[804] Like, everything is in comparison.

[805] Oh, he knows that story?

[806] Yeah, you've told all of us, and we love it.

[807] You tell it all the time.

[808] Well, I mean, yeah.

[809] Did you know that story, Rob?

[810] No, I haven't heard that one.

[811] Okay, good.

[812] Brand new for Rob.

[813] But Eric uses that as like the litmus test for weirdness.

[814] Are you going to cry when he dies?

[815] Yes.

[816] You are?

[817] Probably.

[818] I love that little guy.

[819] He is the sweetest soul I've ever met.

[820] My God.

[821] Yeah, he's a beautiful guy.

[822] Okay.

[823] All right.

[824] This episode's dedicated to Mac.

[825] Ready for Carly?

[826] Carly.

[827] Hi.

[828] How are you?

[829] I'm good.

[830] I literally Googled PST to EST a thousand times, to be sure.

[831] I was right at the time.

[832] I was like, I just know it.

[833] I'm going to be sitting on an empty Zoom.

[834] And then I'm going to be like, that was hours ago.

[835] So that makes me think that you're on the East Coast?

[836] Right outside of Boston.

[837] Okay.

[838] And are you native to the area?

[839] I am.

[840] Yes.

[841] I'm born and raised here.

[842] Wonderful.

[843] Okay.

[844] So you're in a Boston suburb and you have had a, I'm assuming bad pet sitting experience.

[845] Yes.

[846] And Monica, when I was writing this story, all I could think of was how many people you're going to speak to that you're going to be like, it's a dog.

[847] Why were you people doing this?

[848] Yeah, that just happened in one of the stories.

[849] I was like, none of this is worth it.

[850] Like, what are people doing?

[851] Exactly.

[852] And you're probably going to feel the same way.

[853] I mean, in current day, we have the same dog.

[854] His name is Louis.

[855] He is literally our life.

[856] But we did just recently have a baby.

[857] So I can't say he's everything now.

[858] He does still get that treatment of he sleeps in our bed with us since day one.

[859] He's 130 pounds.

[860] That was a big mistake.

[861] I regret it heavily.

[862] Ooh, 130.

[863] He's a ridgeback.

[864] Oh, those are beautiful.

[865] He's so beautiful.

[866] He's stunning.

[867] And he's like a little love.

[868] We're so sad if we can't bring him places because we're like, how does not everyone want this 130 pound beast at your dinner table?

[869] What is the confusion?

[870] 130 pound allergen.

[871] So this was.

[872] Five years ago, he is now six.

[873] He's going on seven.

[874] So he was like still in his puppy era.

[875] Christmas was approaching and we go to my sister's house every Christmas Eve.

[876] And she was like, he can't come here.

[877] There's kids.

[878] There's food.

[879] Like you cannot bring this large puppy to bite everyone and bother everyone.

[880] And I was like, you are the worst.

[881] You're so mean.

[882] He's my son.

[883] My husband at the time was not there for when I was reaching out to people to watch the dog.

[884] He was at work.

[885] And so I was like, hey, I'm going to reach out.

[886] and see because I felt as if my dog would know it was Christmas Eve and that he was alone on Christmas Eve, I felt guilty that I had to find someone to come be at our home with him and celebrate Christmas Eve so I could go and enjoy my own Christmas Eve with family.

[887] How do I find someone?

[888] Like, I don't want to be like looking for a lonely person.

[889] I was like, this could be someone.

[890] Maybe their family doesn't live here.

[891] I was like, this has to exist.

[892] So I went on Rover, the app.

[893] Tell us about Rover.

[894] I don't know what that is.

[895] Tell us about Rover.

[896] Rover, and they handled the situation well.

[897] So this is no dogging on Rover.

[898] They were wonderful.

[899] It's a dog sitting and walking service.

[900] Okay.

[901] And you can go on, it's almost like an Uber.

[902] You can see people that are in your area that are interested, what their rates are, what they'll do, what dogs they're comfortable with, all this.

[903] So I was like, this is great.

[904] So I'm looking for people.

[905] I reach out to a few people.

[906] Some people were like, oh, yeah, like, you know, my family is actually in Florida.

[907] and I'm a student.

[908] I'm not going home this year.

[909] So I was like, all right, great.

[910] This is less creepy than I thought it was.

[911] So I start talking to a few people.

[912] And one girl is like, this is great.

[913] I haven't seen my family for the past few Christmases.

[914] I'm always looking for something to do.

[915] This would really give me purpose.

[916] Oh, that's a lot.

[917] So that was my first red flag.

[918] But instead of me seeing it as a red flag, I was like, oh, please come to my home.

[919] So she comes by one night.

[920] And I say, I want you to come meet Louie.

[921] He is very big, it's very invasive of your space.

[922] I want to make sure you're comfortable with him before I leave you with him all day.

[923] She comes over.

[924] She was like 20 minutes late.

[925] We are in a city environment.

[926] And she comes in and she rings our bell downstairs.

[927] And I'm by myself and I go down there and I have the doors closed upstairs.

[928] So that's where Louie is.

[929] And I open the door and I'm like, hi.

[930] And she was like, oh, this took me forever to get here.

[931] She had an umbrella.

[932] And the way she was getting this umbrella closed, you would have thought she did.

[933] just flew here with this umbrella.

[934] She was exhausted.

[935] She was overwhelmed.

[936] I was like, oh, God.

[937] So she comes upstairs and she's like, let me get settled before I go in.

[938] I was like, oh, sure.

[939] So she's taking her boots off and she's using the umbrella to balance herself.

[940] I was like, oh, this is Louie.

[941] Louie comes bouncing in, all excited.

[942] And she's so excited about him.

[943] She gets down to his level.

[944] And I was like, oh, fun, you like this.

[945] She then stayed so long that I had to be like, okay, that's enough.

[946] Like, I had to separate them because I was like, I don't even let him kiss my face.

[947] That's gross.

[948] And I love him.

[949] I'm now, like, trying to hold him because he's excited.

[950] Someone's there.

[951] And she's like, no, you can let him go.

[952] It's fine.

[953] I love this.

[954] I love this.

[955] So I'm like, okay, you're a dog person.

[956] This is what I wanted.

[957] She says, it really makes me miss the boys back home.

[958] I was like, oh, who are the boys?

[959] And she was like, they're my Dobermans.

[960] They've been our family dogs.

[961] I love them, the boys.

[962] And I was like, oh, where's back home for you?

[963] And she said, upstate New York.

[964] That is at minimum from where we are, four and a half to six hours.

[965] So we make our small talk.

[966] She's nice.

[967] I don't want to judge her because she's a little odd.

[968] I didn't feel like that was fair.

[969] So when she left, she sent me a text and was like, hi, I just want to let you know again how excited I am of this opportunity.

[970] It really would make by holiday to get to help you and be there for the dog.

[971] We could watch movies all day.

[972] And she's like selling it.

[973] And I was like, you're a lot, but you're nice.

[974] And you seem to love dogs.

[975] it's okay.

[976] My husband comes home that night.

[977] I'm telling him.

[978] I'm like, she was a little odd.

[979] I tell him the things.

[980] And he's like, if you have a feeling about her, I don't know if we should do it.

[981] And I was like, no, no, I don't have a feeling.

[982] I think I'm just getting in my head.

[983] So I say, let's do it.

[984] Yeah, you ignore your gut.

[985] I ignored every flag there was.

[986] At this point, we are about early November.

[987] So plenty of time before Christmas Eve.

[988] So I send her a text.

[989] I said, you are wonderful.

[990] We'd love to have you that day.

[991] I'll text you when it gets closer.

[992] Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

[993] I leave it at that.

[994] A few days go by, we get another text from her, out of the blue, just saying, I can't stop thinking about how excited I am.

[995] Oh.

[996] Oh.

[997] I know.

[998] And I'm like, this could again be someone just really nice.

[999] I didn't respond right away.

[1000] I was like, I don't know.

[1001] I just now, my gut is telling me something is not right.

[1002] So I'm telling my sister, the dog's aunt, that has rudely denied him of Christmas Eve.

[1003] And I say, listen, this is the situation you have put me in.

[1004] She's like, Carly, if it's going to be a scene, just bring the dog.

[1005] And I was like, well, only if you really want him there.

[1006] And she was like, just bring the dog.

[1007] I don't care.

[1008] I'm just going to cancel this dog sitting situation.

[1009] We're going to go on our way.

[1010] Oh, boy.

[1011] I let this girl know through text.

[1012] I said, you were lovely.

[1013] My sister has changed her mind.

[1014] We're actually able to bring him where we're going.

[1015] We would much rather have him with us, of course.

[1016] I hope you understand as a dog person, blah, blah, blah.

[1017] A day goes by.

[1018] She sends me the most intense text I've ever received.

[1019] And I'm so mad because I tried to log in to my Rover account.

[1020] So I could read you guys, like, word for word.

[1021] But I was, like, reliving this with my husband to be like, I'm not misconstruing this, right?

[1022] Like, this was how crazy it was.

[1023] She sent a text that said, I could not reply yesterday because I was so devastated with your text.

[1024] You have completely ruined not only my day, my holiday season.

[1025] You are one of the cruelest people I've ever met, and I wish nothing but the worst for you.

[1026] Oh, my God.

[1027] And so then I'm seeing my husband, I was like, I have to stay calm.

[1028] This person knows where we live.

[1029] I'm assuming, too, you can now report this to the app so that she's not on it anymore.

[1030] Yes.

[1031] So I do that instead of replying to her.

[1032] Because I was like, you know what?

[1033] I'm just going to keep poking the bear if I keep going tit for tat with her.

[1034] I'm just going to report it to Rover and say, listen, this person is a lot.

[1035] And I don't know if she should be watching other dogs.

[1036] Rover writes back immediately.

[1037] They're like, we're looking into this.

[1038] We're going to get back to you.

[1039] They get back to me. like they were very on it.

[1040] Apparently, she gets a wind that I have done this.

[1041] So I get another text.

[1042] How dare you reach out to Roper?

[1043] You have not only done X, Y, Z to me, and she lists out how I'm just the worst person ever.

[1044] You are now threatening my profession, and I won't have it.

[1045] So I write back and I say, this is a dog -sitting situation.

[1046] We are taking our dog.

[1047] It has nothing to do with you.

[1048] If you continue to harass me, we're going to have to go further.

[1049] I don't hear from her for a few days.

[1050] I'm now walking out of my apartment to the train station to go to work one day, and I see her in my neighborhood.

[1051] No. I know she doesn't live there.

[1052] I call my husband, and he's home with the dog.

[1053] And I'm like, I just saw the dog sitter.

[1054] I'm not in my head.

[1055] This is her.

[1056] He was like, oh, my God.

[1057] He was like, just get on the train and text me when you get there.

[1058] Later that day, he goes out for a walk with the dog, and she's parked outside of our house.

[1059] Oh, my God.

[1060] Dog stalker?

[1061] Yes, and he's like, do I have to call the police?

[1062] Like, this is crazy.

[1063] goes up to the window and he's like, hey, you got to go.

[1064] Don't come back here.

[1065] We know who you are.

[1066] She, Stoneface, looks ahead as if he's not there.

[1067] We'll not acknowledge.

[1068] Oh, boy.

[1069] We are now at Christmas Eve.

[1070] This has been a month.

[1071] Yeah.

[1072] I am now with family.

[1073] We're celebrating.

[1074] I'm retelling the story to family.

[1075] We're laughing about it at this point because we're thinking, what a crazy story.

[1076] She sends me a tag.

[1077] She says, hope you're having a great time with your family, unlike me, who you've left alone.

[1078] I hope you can live with yourself for that.

[1079] We were going to have the best night.

[1080] I was even going to take him up north to see the boys.

[1081] The boys?

[1082] You were going to dognap him.

[1083] You were going to steer my dog.

[1084] He went a nine hour round trip.

[1085] Holy shit.

[1086] Would I have never known or were you going to take him and never come back?

[1087] I was beside myself.

[1088] I was like, the boys is an upstate New York boys.

[1089] I was like, you're crazy.

[1090] Do Do not reach out to me ever again, or I'm going to reach out to the police.

[1091] Yeah.

[1092] All we hear back from her was, don't worry, I won't.

[1093] The next day on Christmas Day, I just get a text that said, Merry Christmas.

[1094] And I was like, I'm done.

[1095] I don't know where this woman's going.

[1096] And that was the last I heard from her.

[1097] I know this is a story about a dog, and maybe this is wrong of me. But all I can think about is, like, somebody has slept with this person.

[1098] This is over meeting the dog one time.

[1099] Can you somebody took her home from a box?

[1100] This is fatal attraction.

[1101] Like, I will not be ignored, Dan.

[1102] Very, very clangloat.

[1103] Yeah.

[1104] Oh, my God.

[1105] What's the rest of her?

[1106] I mean, I feel bad for her.

[1107] Let's start there.

[1108] I didn't want it to appear at all like I was making fun of her.

[1109] Because it's not bad.

[1110] I felt for her.

[1111] But now you're crossing a line.

[1112] You were the one harassed, so you're entitled to be upset.

[1113] I'm on the outside.

[1114] I didn't get harassed so I can go like, oh, this person's really struggling with some real wild stuff.

[1115] Oh, for sure.

[1116] And obviously, and she said I haven't been.

[1117] then home in four years or something.

[1118] Which is crazy because it's only four and a half hours.

[1119] You would drive that if you're welcome.

[1120] Well, no, obviously she's maybe not welcome and this is tied into perhaps why.

[1121] The boys were probably like, mom, mom, you've got to keep her away.

[1122] So when you and your husband are talking and no one's listening, do you think she had some kind of cross -species sexual obsession?

[1123] Do you think she had some romantic plans with the dogs?

[1124] I never thought of that.

[1125] I mean, my God, I hope not.

[1126] I mean, she's acting as if like you're keeping.

[1127] keeping her from the love of her life.

[1128] It's a little bizarre.

[1129] Do you think she had sex with the boys?

[1130] And then she wasn't allowed to come back because of that.

[1131] And then she comes back and she's like, don't worry, I got my own dog now.

[1132] Oh, God.

[1133] I've moved on.

[1134] What if she called him the sexy boys?

[1135] I was going to take him to see the sexy boys.

[1136] I didn't mean to say sexy.

[1137] You heard that wrong.

[1138] She was going to flaunt her new love.

[1139] Oh, to make them jealous.

[1140] Oh, shit.

[1141] It was all a tease.

[1142] Oh.

[1143] Well, with everything else, you said, really nothing's off the table.

[1144] I mean, that's out there as it gets.

[1145] One day we're laughing about it and we're like, how does this happen?

[1146] This is so crazy.

[1147] And then the next, she's outside your house.

[1148] Then you're like, look, wait a minute.

[1149] By the way, what if it was, same city, the woman who was stealing her roommate's underwear?

[1150] No. What was her name?

[1151] Val.

[1152] Yeah, Val.

[1153] Oh, good memory.

[1154] Yeah, very good.

[1155] Wow, that's impressive.

[1156] Oh, my God.

[1157] That's horrifying.

[1158] Val.

[1159] What if she keeps...

[1160] She's the new Liz.

[1161] She keeps popping up in all these stories.

[1162] She's putting the stolen underpants on my dog.

[1163] She's Kaiser Sosa.

[1164] She's the ultimate mastermind.

[1165] Well, Carly, that was wild.

[1166] That was wild.

[1167] Thank you for sharing.

[1168] I'm glad no one was murdered.

[1169] That's the silver lining.

[1170] And no dogs were put in a sexual situation.

[1171] Thank God.

[1172] Well, thank you so much for telling us that story.

[1173] Thank you guys.

[1174] I'm so excited that I got to speak to you.

[1175] All right.

[1176] Well, great meeting you, Carly.

[1177] Take care.

[1178] Have a great rest of your day.

[1179] Bye.

[1180] Yikes.

[1181] Is it weird that my mind went to what dating her is like?

[1182] Yeah.

[1183] Oh.

[1184] I mean, you wanted me to be honest.

[1185] Well, you just think about how wild she got over a dog.

[1186] Just think if she had actually gotten intimate with somebody.

[1187] I understand what your thought.

[1188] I mean, my thought is, oh, gosh, like this person acts crazy in life.

[1189] I wasn't necessarily thinking about a lover situation.

[1190] What I was thinking is like, there's no guilt about dealing with her with this dog sitch.

[1191] It's like, whatever.

[1192] We changed our mind.

[1193] Yeah.

[1194] But if you've been intimate with that gal, you got a lot on your place.

[1195] But you feel culpable.

[1196] Friendship, I'm sure.

[1197] Sure, she comes on strong.

[1198] That's a tricky one with friendships.

[1199] Stranglehold.

[1200] By the way, why wouldn't this woman have gotten a dog of her own if she's that passionate about dogs?

[1201] It's obviously not about that.

[1202] Because the boys.

[1203] She already got the boys up in upstate New York.

[1204] That story is sticky.

[1205] It's really kinky.

[1206] It was really gross.

[1207] Those were great, though.

[1208] I liked that.

[1209] Me too.

[1210] I wonder if we should do a trigger warm.

[1211] that there's dead pets what maybe but I'd also like to do a tribute to pilot fly free my friend yeah yeah and that louis I don't know that we heard his name I think it was Louis big black lab 80 pounder rest in peace I love you wait what also Mac oh Mac he's not dead yet so we don't don't jinks I'm no no I'm not don't bring him up and we're doing tributes to pass animals you said he's hanging on by a thread but I don't we don't You said this one was a tribute to him.

[1212] This isn't the immorium part of the Crick Academy.

[1213] In Memorial.

[1214] All right.

[1215] Well, if you learned anything, don't sit any pets, right?

[1216] And don't have any.

[1217] Well, no, no, no, no. That's not the, that was not at all the theme of the story.

[1218] All right, love you.

[1219] Love you.

[1220] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1221] We don't have a song for this new show.

[1222] So here I go, go, go.

[1223] You're going to ask some random questions And with the help of Armchair, he's book and some suggestions On the Flyer Rindish, on the Flyer Rindish, enjoy Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1224] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1225] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a show.

[1226] short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.