Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, book and pens.
[1] I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
[2] I can tell that...
[3] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Conan O 'Brien.
[4] What is that at the top?
[5] That's crazy!
[6] There's nine levels.
[7] It just keeps going and going and going.
[8] welcome everybody to the show and we are doing this program as you know live from the beacon theater right here in new york city there's no better place to be and i want to start by thanking you guys let me tell you what happened today today it rained you may have noticed but it rained but you're new yorkers so what did you do you had tickets to go see conan you said we're still going to see conan It never occurred to you Not to go about your daily routine Just because it rained Who got wet today?
[9] Did you get wet?
[10] Some of you are damp right now Which sounds quasi erotic But that's not how I meant it The reason I'm bringing all this up Is that I live in Los Angeles now Yeah, let's go Not my choice, clearly I went there for the sun Me and Jim Gaffigan and we just like to lie out and tan.
[11] No, in Los Angeles, if we were doing this show in Los Angeles at the Wilton Theater and it rained, they would cancel the show.
[12] I'm not even kidding.
[13] They would cancel the show.
[14] People would abandon their cars wherever they are on the highway and they would start running and screaming in any direction.
[15] They don't know what it is and they don't know what to do.
[16] They'd call in the National Guard.
[17] People in L .A. when it rains lightly, act like lava is falling from the sky.
[18] But you people, you didn't care.
[19] You came here and you made the commitment.
[20] And here we are.
[21] I'm smelling wet wool right now.
[22] That's what I'm getting.
[23] And I mean that as a compliment.
[24] It is so nice to be back here tonight, and I am thrilled that we were doing this podcast for you guys.
[25] We haven't done the podcast.
[26] It's been going now for about five years.
[27] We never did it here in New York City.
[28] so to bring it here is so nice and you're going to be our soundtrack tonight which will be a lot of fun we're going to have a really good time we have a special guest but before we bring out that guest I'd be remiss if I didn't mention I'm really not the only part of the podcast now I can tell by your reaction that you're saying Conan you really are kind of it you know that's how I took what you just did right now but what that really meant for a lot of you is that there are two people that really make this thing.
[29] They're this special sauce.
[30] And we've got to bring them out right now, and we'll start chatting.
[31] And yes, they are coming right now.
[32] Don't you worry.
[33] There's a woman over there.
[34] Oh, it's Sonas family.
[35] Well, there you go.
[36] Let's bring them out right now, my good friends.
[37] Sona Mofsessian and Michael!
[38] How are you guys doing?
[39] We're good.
[40] I almost didn't come.
[41] Yeah.
[42] Because it's raining.
[43] Because it's raining.
[44] Yeah.
[45] Will you admit that you, when it's raining and it doesn't happen in L .A. And you've spent all of your life in L .A. You just, you hate it.
[46] You both of you hate it, don't you?
[47] I hate it.
[48] Oh, no. I love it.
[49] Oh.
[50] We don't go for different reasons, I think, because you don't want to deal with the rain.
[51] And I want to get all cozy at home in the rain.
[52] Oh, Matt likes being cozy.
[53] I do.
[54] You put a fire on the TV.
[55] We don't have a fireplace.
[56] That's right.
[57] It's Los Angeles.
[58] You build a fire with your remote control.
[59] That's right.
[60] And then you sit there and you relax.
[61] I want to say, I went to something crazy last night.
[62] We did this show, and it was over.
[63] And, of course, you know, I go outside and people are, you know, excited to see me and I'm signing stuff and saying hi to people.
[64] And then you walked out, Sona, and people went insane and started chanting, Sona, Sona, Sona.
[65] And what's amazing is that it didn't seem to delight you.
[66] It seemed to frighten and upset you.
[67] Yeah, it did.
[68] It is frightening and upsetting.
[69] I mean, I know that it, like, For you, it makes you, like, stronger, and you're like, yeah, chant my name.
[70] No, no, no. Not stronger.
[71] It makes me for the first time momentarily complete.
[72] That's what it does.
[73] Okay, that's helping.
[74] I walk around with a giant hole, and for a second, it's filled, only to quickly recede back to nothingness.
[75] Oh, okay.
[76] But anyway, go ahead with your characterization.
[77] So, yeah, you have yourself esteem already.
[78] Yeah, I'm fine.
[79] I don't need it.
[80] Like, you need it.
[81] Do you know what I mean?
[82] Like, you're like, yeah.
[83] It's called Connor O 'Brien needs a friend.
[84] Love me. I need, I'm one of six kids.
[85] I'm in the middle.
[86] Like, I need this.
[87] And I'm like, I'm good.
[88] This is a great impression.
[89] It's such a good.
[90] I close my eyes and I hear myself.
[91] I'm Conan.
[92] Yeah, I need this.
[93] I just don't.
[94] I mean, it's really nice.
[95] You don't need it.
[96] And it makes me a little like, I don't know what to do with.
[97] with it.
[98] Yeah, yeah.
[99] And what about you, Gourley?
[100] How do you handle it?
[101] Fans get very excited.
[102] We did a show in L .A. And you couldn't be there.
[103] And I went out and I told the crowd that, well, everyone's, you know, Sona's going to be here, but Matt Gourley can't be here tonight.
[104] And some people got visibly upset that you weren't going to be there.
[105] That's probably because they just wanted to, like, beat me up or something.
[106] No, no, no. These people really were there for you and I didn't come close to matching their dreams.
[107] That can't be.
[108] It's true.
[109] You were there.
[110] So, and remember this at the show we did at the Serious XM?
[111] People were really disappointed Matt wasn't there.
[112] Because it's also, we're like, we're the three pals, and it's incomplete when you're not there.
[113] Yeah, and I handled it poorly.
[114] I got angry, and I just kept interrupting the podcast and saying, you know, you over it yet?
[115] You know, we don't need Matt Corley.
[116] And I started to spit a little bit.
[117] Remember this?
[118] Yeah, you were really hostile.
[119] Yeah, and then I needed to be medicated, remember?
[120] Yeah, let's be honest.
[121] I mean, I'm not being so.
[122] deprecating here, but I'm the most expendable member of...
[123] Like, watch.
[124] No, you're not.
[125] No, you're not.
[126] Don't do that.
[127] We're a no, boom.
[128] No difference.
[129] No difference.
[130] Wait a minute.
[131] I'm sensing even an energy rising.
[132] That's what I'm sensing.
[133] That's because I'm back.
[134] Oh, he's back!
[135] I'm like a child.
[136] I was delighted when you reappeared.
[137] Because all the attention went back to you.
[138] No, I was just, no, it was just exciting to me. I love peekaboo still, to this day.
[139] You want to see me go down an escalator?
[140] No. No, I'm...
[141] Just leave that alone.
[142] Yeah, we'll be fine.
[143] We'll be good.
[144] And this was a big day for you, Sona, because you brought your little children who are a year and a half old, and I tried...
[145] Would you admit that I tried for maybe 45 minutes?
[146] I stopped rehearsal and tried for 45 minutes to win them over.
[147] I mean, to the point where people here at the theater were getting upset, because we have to vacate the stage at 6, and I wouldn't get...
[148] I wouldn't stop.
[149] I'm like, just leave me alone!
[150] And they're like, Conan, we have to go over light cues.
[151] And I was like, No, no, no, no. I've got to get these kids.
[152] You were doing a lot of physical humor, too, and you were, like, almost sweating, and I was worried you were going to hurt yourself before the show.
[153] It is true.
[154] I was really working up a sweat.
[155] You were really, really trying.
[156] I was doing all my best stuff, and her kids just stoned me. Yeah.
[157] Now, this is Charlie specifically that won't give you the time of day, right?
[158] Both.
[159] Now it was, today it was both.
[160] You're both now.
[161] But then I did Rye political humor, killed them.
[162] No. Killed them.
[163] It was all about, you know what I mean?
[164] It got really into the weeds about, you know, Nevada and what's going on there.
[165] And they just, they just loved it.
[166] They were really laughing at that stuff.
[167] They liked that stuff.
[168] Yeah, they love that stuff a lot.
[169] Yeah, but, you know, I think it's, I think you're chipping away at it.
[170] But I also think they kind of sometimes censored desperation.
[171] And they, and even though they're like a year and almost a year and a half old, they're like, oh, this guy really needs it a lot.
[172] Like, he should just, he should go outside in the theater where people will chant his names.
[173] So he can get it there.
[174] Well, this is what got me, Matt, is I was working really hard for about 45 minutes getting nowhere.
[175] And then Matt, you walked up to one, and you just went, doink.
[176] And he went, yeah.
[177] And I said, what, I just did my Nixon for like 20 minutes.
[178] And I got, I'm not a crap.
[179] And they were crying.
[180] See, that works on me. I know.
[181] I forgot who I was dealing with.
[182] Yeah.
[183] I like Nixon.
[184] I think they finally gave in to you because they realized if they just laugh, you'll go away.
[185] You know?
[186] That is the secret.
[187] It'll happen for you one day.
[188] That is the secret.
[189] I want to mention something that is important to us.
[190] We have a brand new Sirius XM channel.
[191] It's going to be Team Coco Radio.
[192] So if you're a Team Coco fan, and it's going to be on Channel 106.
[193] And as I've said before, if you don't have Sirius, go out because we premiere on September...
[194] It's November 15th.
[195] Yeah.
[196] Yeah.
[197] It's the 15th of November, which is this coming Tuesday.
[198] And if you don't, if you have serious, great, check it out.
[199] I think we come on at 8 o 'clock in the morning.
[200] If not, I'm asking all of my fans to rent a car.
[201] You will not be compensated.
[202] This is so the opposite of an Oprah giveaway.
[203] Guess what?
[204] You are going to rent a car at your own expense.
[205] You rent a car.
[206] You rent a car.
[207] You rent a car.
[208] and make sure it has a serious package.
[209] No, and then you'll listen.
[210] It'll be original stuff.
[211] It'll be old stuff.
[212] It'll be a podcast.
[213] You'll still get the podcast where you always get it, but you can also listen to classic podcasts there.
[214] Occasionally I'll do news and weather.
[215] We're really having a lot of fun.
[216] And then what's really cool is that this show is going to play on that channel.
[217] Right.
[218] So you will have the experience of listening to it here live, then hearing it on the podcast, when it airs in the normal podcast way, then driving around for a really long time in a rental car to try and hear it a third time in your serious exemption, 106.
[219] That's a lot.
[220] But that's cool.
[221] And you know what?
[222] You have so many years to, like, draw material from and stuff from...
[223] Why are you doing this?
[224] I don't know.
[225] You know what's so funny?
[226] It's not you.
[227] You tried for a second to be kind of corpority.
[228] Yeah.
[229] And what I love about you, among many things, is that you were like, yeah, because this is a way that people can enjoy.
[230] Oh, fuck it.
[231] That's like when you just tried to say how a download gets delivered to people right now.
[232] You were like, well, how a podcast will come out in the way that it does.
[233] I don't know how podcasts work.
[234] I've made that very clear on the podcast.
[235] But you just said, and then the podcast will come out a way that it does.
[236] Yes.
[237] So vague.
[238] I'm always saying how did that taping go, and you're like, it wasn't really a tape.
[239] and then I say when does this air and you said it doesn't air old man and then it's compounded by the fact that people in my family my parents won't listen to a podcast they know that I'm a guy that shows up on television until they see video they're not going to listen to this my brother Neil who's just a few years older than me has never listened to a podcast and never will and he's like I'd really like to listen to it but it's on one of those computer things that's not going to happen they don't even lie to you They don't even say, oh, I listened, and it was good.
[240] They're just like, I'm not even going to try to listen to your podcast.
[241] They just told me, no, we didn't listen to it.
[242] There's no time in our family for kindness.
[243] There's no one.
[244] There never was.
[245] Here he goes again.
[246] Yeah.
[247] What?
[248] The needy thing.
[249] I just wish someone like me. The, no, but I do.
[250] I am excited that we have this, that we have this channel.
[251] I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
[252] I think it's going to be great.
[253] November 15th, serious one of, when you do it, it blows.
[254] I don't like it.
[255] It'll be great.
[256] I want to say.
[257] I want to see Sona do an infomercial.
[258] I want to see Sona do an infomercial for like, it's the craftmatic adjustable bed.
[259] If you have problems, just like, I don't know, just go to sleep.
[260] I don't get a bed.
[261] Do you have a bed?
[262] It's probably fine.
[263] Oh, fuck it.
[264] Marijuana, you know, and you wander off.
[265] I knew it.
[266] I knew it's going to end on that.
[267] Gummies.
[268] Is there marijuana here?
[269] No, no, no, there isn't.
[270] We don't have it.
[271] Oh, you should do an infomercial for marijuana.
[272] Hey, I could crush that.
[273] You would wander away from any infomercial you taped.
[274] I would.
[275] You would start to do the infomercial.
[276] and then just wander away.
[277] Yeah.
[278] Serious, 106.
[279] Did you bring those gummies with you to New York?
[280] No, I did not fly across the country with edibles in my luggage.
[281] What are you doing?
[282] Are you some kind of nark, man?
[283] What are you doing?
[284] Do I look like a nark?
[285] Oh, there it is.
[286] Has anyone ever looked more like a nark than I do right now?
[287] Hello, kids.
[288] Anyone got a jazz cigarette on them?
[289] What's up, 58 Jump Street?
[290] Come on, I want to get groovy with you guys.
[291] Oh, I don't know.
[292] Oh, come on.
[293] Look, how can I be the cool one?
[294] I'm in a turtleneck.
[295] What's going on here?
[296] We have a fantastic show.
[297] I'm very excited about our guest, big fan of our guest.
[298] and very excited that this person is here.
[299] Never quite know what's going to happen when I talk to this individual.
[300] See how careful I am to still be mysterious?
[301] Yes.
[302] But I think we should find out right now how things are going.
[303] So here's how we bring out the guests.
[304] Let's bring the lights down.
[305] Hey, I'm Tracy Morgan, and I feel like the man being friends with Conan O 'Brien.
[306] I'm regular.
[307] That was an amazing...
[308] No extra cheese, no pepperoni, just a slice in the Coke.
[309] I'm regular You light up a room Every time I talk to you Every time we do anything You come out and people go crazy Who me?
[310] You, you People love you I never know what you're going to say What's important is that I love them back Yeah Conan Someone in the second row up there farted I just want to put that out there It's good of you to mention it Yeah It's good to just yeah Just get it out the way Yeah.
[311] We all fart.
[312] But females poop.
[313] Females be pooping, but it's deadly.
[314] Uh -huh.
[315] Uh -huh.
[316] Listen, Tracy, my job here tonight is for us to have a great conversation.
[317] That's my job here tonight.
[318] Can I say something?
[319] That dude right there on the drums?
[320] If you get on crack, you're selling that drum set.
[321] I'm going to get that drum set.
[322] drum set.
[323] I already got the Colico vision.
[324] You like that?
[325] I love Calico.
[326] I don't know what's happening already.
[327] You've been out here, I think, maybe a minute, 40 seconds, and I don't understand what's happening.
[328] Sometime.
[329] Sometime?
[330] How are you, Tracy?
[331] How's your life going?
[332] I'm good, man. I feel electric.
[333] I look at all these people.
[334] Yeah, it's a lot of people.
[335] I know somebody out.
[336] is my child.
[337] I got a baby with somebody.
[338] Because you know me, I don't pull out.
[339] What?
[340] I don't pull out.
[341] That's for college kids.
[342] I ain't got nothing to lose.
[343] I'm a pit talking my shit.
[344] I mean, eventually you have to pull out.
[345] I mean, eventually...
[346] No, I don't.
[347] Wait, you're just...
[348] Wait, you're in there for days?
[349] You pay for what you get.
[350] I'm a jigolo.
[351] Okay, well, okay, just settle down here.
[352] Glad you're contained by that.
[353] You asked me!
[354] I did!
[355] Wait a minute, no, I didn't.
[356] I didn't ask you.
[357] Hold on, I'm playing it back in my head.
[358] Did you have a baby with someone in his son?
[359] I never asked that question.
[360] I'm a good dad.
[361] I'll even come back every 10 years.
[362] Just until I'm daddy.
[363] Are you a good dad?
[364] Absolutely.
[365] Yeah, yeah.
[366] Absolutely.
[367] Yeah, it's important.
[368] You gotta be a good dad.
[369] I beat a coma just to come back for my daughter.
[370] What's that?
[371] I beat a coma to come back for my daughter.
[372] That's my stinking mama.
[373] How long are you in the coma for?
[374] Ten days.
[375] Yeah.
[376] And then you came out.
[377] Best sleep I ever had.
[378] Don't recommend a coma to people out there.
[379] I'm going to try this coma thing.
[380] That's right.
[381] This is a big event in your life.
[382] It changed everything.
[383] Walmart.
[384] Yep.
[385] Well, I mean, yes, Walmart was involved.
[386] Yeah.
[387] I use that as excuses, everything.
[388] But my woman don't want to give me none.
[389] I go, I got hit by truck.
[390] I want to skip the line.
[391] I got hit my truck.
[392] I want to do Conan.
[393] I got hit by truck.
[394] So you go to that no matter what's happening anywhere.
[395] That's your go -to.
[396] That's why I got so many kids.
[397] Yo, man, I'm dating again.
[398] I'm out there.
[399] Oh, you're out there.
[400] That's right, because you went through.
[401] Are you, are you, you, you, you're on Tinder.
[402] You're single now, you're a single man. Yeah, and I'm on Tinder.
[403] My Tinder profile is a Walmart truck dropping off a bag of money on my front of that.
[404] That's my tender profile.
[405] Yeah, and how's that working out for you?
[406] What are the responses you're getting?
[407] Oh, I'm great, man. So many old bras are coming my way.
[408] Old bras.
[409] Yeah, I love old bras down, and I've got a new bag.
[410] my ex -wife was 18 years younger to me so now I only want old bras 7580 I want them to suffer from emphysema right a minute that's one of your oxygen take around all day wait that's one of your turn on so sexy she got the wire across her nose I love that so you're looking and it says we got to get the message out there you want women in there above 75 with emphysema she's so broad so she don't got no more meat in her breasts It's just flatten nipples.
[411] She tried to go young with me and get her nipples piss so earrings is way down here.
[412] All the way down my fucking hip.
[413] Right next to her vagina.
[414] Okay, all right.
[415] Suck titty and he pussy at the same time.
[416] Okay.
[417] Just checking on the podium, make sure it's okay.
[418] That thing needs constant care.
[419] What happened while I was gone?
[420] Listen, so this is something are you really looking for the more mature ladies?
[421] Maybe that's a smart decision at this point in your life, you know?
[422] A lot of men in your position go the other way.
[423] I think you're making an interesting call here.
[424] Come on, man, old broads.
[425] That's my thing.
[426] Well, I don't know.
[427] Okay, yeah.
[428] Maybe not broads, you know, older women, yeah, sure.
[429] Yo, man, I'm telling you, I love it.
[430] You never been with an old broad.
[431] You got to get with one.
[432] 75, 80?
[433] Okay, well, I'd have to talk to me. They out there.
[434] I'd have to talk to my wife and say, I want to bring an 85 -year -old woman into our bedroom.
[435] You should swing with one.
[436] You think that would go well swinging with an 85 -year -old woman?
[437] Look at me. Listen, man. You can't just say, listen, man, and then leave it.
[438] Listen, man. You just said that and then let it go.
[439] There was no wisdom afterwards.
[440] Could I say something?
[441] Yeah, it's about time you said something out here.
[442] Chewbacca ain't shit Yes Everybody knows he's behind on his child support payments He got 16 puppies running around out there Wait, how did you know that you know that Gourley loves Chewbacca, right?
[443] He loves the Star Wars for now Yeah, but I don't talk to your boy I'm talking to him You're right, he's out of line He's crazy Yeah Getting upset because the little mermaid is black What?
[444] The little mermaid is black now.
[445] Yeah?
[446] People upset about it.
[447] I'm fine with it.
[448] It ain't like she's going to be jumping in the world and save nobody.
[449] She just got her hair done.
[450] She ain't messing up her.
[451] There was no transition from Chewbacca to the Little Mermaid.
[452] You gotta keep up.
[453] Okay, I'm sorry.
[454] You'll see how fast that conversation is moving?
[455] I love it when you yell at me. My mind is at the speed of light.
[456] I want some lasagna tonight.
[457] What?
[458] We don't talk enough.
[459] about lasagna.
[460] Okay.
[461] Everybody talk about pizza.
[462] Well, let's talk about lasagna then.
[463] I want lasagna with six different cheeses in it.
[464] Okay.
[465] Six.
[466] Imagine that.
[467] All right.
[468] You know I broke up with a woman because she messed up the cream of wheat?
[469] How do you mess this up the back of the box and just add water?
[470] And why do it smell like that?
[471] And why is it green?
[472] You ever ate green cream of wheat?
[473] No. Don't.
[474] Okay.
[475] Safety first.
[476] Thank you.
[477] Do you know what she?
[478] Safety is always first.
[479] Okay.
[480] Thank you.
[481] I'm still here.
[482] What did she do to the cream of wheat that made it green and taste?
[483] I don't know.
[484] You got to ask her.
[485] She's not my woman no more.
[486] Okay.
[487] All right.
[488] So you're dating now.
[489] You're out on the scene.
[490] I got to tell you this.
[491] I hugged you on the way, and I've said this before.
[492] Every time I hug you, you smell amazing.
[493] That's because my pops told me who always wear with fragrances.
[494] Men love a woman.
[495] Women love a man that smell good.
[496] Okay.
[497] I do not wear...
[498] That's why you be in the elevator and they go, you smell that?
[499] You smell like that?
[500] You go, yeah, that's me. So what are you wearing right now?
[501] I don't know.
[502] You don't know what fragrance you're wearing?
[503] No, just put it on.
[504] I just like to smell good after I get out to gym.
[505] Okay.
[506] I smelled good.
[507] Did you go to the gym today?
[508] I worked out.
[509] I did chest and shoulders.
[510] Then I ate a big piece of chocolate cake for my birthday yesterday.
[511] Yesterday was my birthday.
[512] Yes, it was your birthday?
[513] Happy birthday.
[514] Wait a minute.
[515] Was it?
[516] Was it?
[517] Yeah.
[518] You say so much bullshit, I don't know.
[519] I honestly, anyone else I just say happy birthday, but with you, I feel like I need to have this, we need to have the government look into this.
[520] I always say it's my birthday.
[521] because I can get gifts.
[522] So it's not, wasn't your birthday yesterday?
[523] Not really.
[524] But I knew it.
[525] I got a lot of gifts.
[526] And that was the whole thing.
[527] Get your gifts.
[528] All right.
[529] Should I wear a cologne?
[530] What if I wore a cologne?
[531] You think it's a good idea?
[532] I've never worn a cologne before.
[533] Come on.
[534] Yes, you have.
[535] No, I haven't.
[536] I've never worn a cologne.
[537] You never did none of that?
[538] Never did that.
[539] No, I just didn't, no. You should do it.
[540] Okay.
[541] Get some jupe.
[542] What's...
[543] Classic.
[544] What's Jupe?
[545] What is it?
[546] Then go to Benihana's.
[547] So your clothes and smell like Benihana's and juke.
[548] Can you please tell me what jupe is?
[549] You gotta look it up.
[550] Okay.
[551] Do you guys know what jupe is?
[552] Do you really?
[553] Or you just want to hear yourself later on when you have your rental car listening to Sirius XM?
[554] These people lie all the time.
[555] They know what jupe is.
[556] Yeah.
[557] You hear of a screen?
[558] Yeah, uh -huh.
[559] She loved me. Yeah.
[560] I said, Jup, and you see the reaction?
[561] Yeah.
[562] You don't hear that?
[563] She might actually be in some kind of danger.
[564] You know, Conan, this dude is on his phone.
[565] What's that?
[566] His dude is on the phone.
[567] He's telling on us.
[568] Yeah, Jube.
[569] Magical, off -grid, dwelling, and glamping destinations.
[570] There's no such thing.
[571] No, Jubeen Y, is that what you're talking about?
[572] The fashion line?
[573] No. Well, I don't know.
[574] How do you spell it?
[575] It's cologne.
[576] Jupe fragrance.
[577] Listen, I kid you not.
[578] Get some juke.
[579] This is worth the time to investigate.
[580] If you a single, get some juke.
[581] You know what?
[582] I have unerring instincts as an interviewer, and I know this is a worthwhile avenue to go down.
[583] Yeah, I found it.
[584] I know this is the best use of our time.
[585] So jupe is an actual fragrance.
[586] Yo, you be interviewer me?
[587] Not really, no, I don't know what this is.
[588] Yo, ma 'am, be having fun!
[589] I have fun with Cohen, and you be interviewing me and stuff.
[590] No, no, I wasn't really interviewing you.
[591] Sometimes I'll be bugging.
[592] What?
[593] Sometimes I'll just be bugging out.
[594] Yeah, are you bugging out right now?
[595] Who, me?
[596] Yeah, yes.
[597] Sometimes I'm bugging.
[598] Are you bugging out right now?
[599] She got weed.
[600] She got weed.
[601] She has, no, she doesn't.
[602] She traveled on an airline and shows.
[603] You don't get hot.
[604] What?
[605] You don't get hot.
[606] Why do you, everyone in Los Angeles gets high.
[607] You serious?
[608] Yeah.
[609] I got to move to L .A. It's legal.
[610] It's like people do it on the street.
[611] You serious?
[612] Yeah.
[613] So why I still be going underground and get my weed?
[614] I don't know why you're doing that.
[615] Because that's where the best stuff is underground.
[616] I mean, no. I'm not going to CVS to get a pound.
[617] That's too commercial.
[618] I like to take the risk and get caught by cops and stop I like the whole thing you know it's not no it's a whole new thing now there are all these incredible dispensaries people go to and they That is so corny Why is it corny?
[619] Who's going to a dispensary to get a bag Come on get out of it I'm going underground to the green and white gate That's where the Jamaicans is at That's where I'm going So even if it was even if really good high -end stuff's available right around the corner from you, you still want to go underground.
[620] Underground.
[621] That's the best stuff.
[622] Okay.
[623] Because they spray their weed with roach spray.
[624] So you get an extra high.
[625] You like that.
[626] You like it when the weed you're smoking is...
[627] When you start coughing, here, get out.
[628] I was sure could have got high with Bob Marley.
[629] Yeah.
[630] Yo, you know I smoked?
[631] Everyone's got their own use if they had a time machine.
[632] I smoke.
[633] I got hot.
[634] Some people want to kill Hitler.
[635] You want to go and smoke weed with Bob Marley.
[636] That's Bob!
[637] Don't yell at me. I mean, go ahead, yell at me. That's Bob.
[638] I get it.
[639] Imagine that.
[640] I know.
[641] That would be cool.
[642] Can I come?
[643] Yeah, I would love that.
[644] Wallah.
[645] I thought that was cool when I met my girl because I was smoking weed.
[646] and I thought she liked when my voice sheds.
[647] I used to think she liked that.
[648] And then she tried to get me to stop smoking weed.
[649] Yeah.
[650] I thought that was the reason why you dealt with me. Because I got hot.
[651] What happened?
[652] Oh, I don't know.
[653] We all just went back in time with Bob Marley and now we're back.
[654] You know, I want people to know something about you that I don't think a lot of people know what's happening now.
[655] Are you okay?
[656] There's a lot of people out there, man. You saw them earlier.
[657] and you see all up there and everything.
[658] Yeah, they're up there, yeah.
[659] That's called a balcony, yeah.
[660] Hey, listen, Tracy, I remember talking to you once when we were on a Zoom, and I saw a shark swim behind you, and it blew my mind.
[661] You remember that interview?
[662] Yeah.
[663] I remember that interview, because it's the only time in my life that I've been talking to someone who's talking to me from their home and sharks start to swim behind them, and I asked you, what's going on and you said that it was your shark tank that you had a giant tank in your house that you filled with sharks and I didn't forget that because that doesn't happen when you talk to anybody else in show business I told you my great great grandfather was Jacques Cousteau he is my great grandfather really yeah okay so he should take me on the all the time.
[664] He took you underwater as a child.
[665] He took me underwater.
[666] Did he, you had a scuba outfit and everything, right?
[667] Jacques Cousteau.
[668] That was my grandpops.
[669] He loved me. Yeah.
[670] You knew who he was?
[671] Yeah, sure.
[672] Jacques Cousteau?
[673] Yeah.
[674] You ain't known.
[675] Undersea Explorer.
[676] You knew him?
[677] Oh, I didn't know him personally.
[678] I know you didn't know him personally.
[679] Okay.
[680] My grandfather.
[681] I believe, happy birthday.
[682] Thank you.
[683] You're welcome.
[684] It's such a mess And it makes me so happy Nothing goes the way it's supposed to go Remember when I told you Charles Heston was my uncle?
[685] Yes I do He had me on a set of the planet of the apes all the time Come on.
[686] He did!
[687] I was raised on our set What?
[688] You were what?
[689] The plan of the apes.
[690] I was raised on that set.
[691] Whoa, I heard a different word.
[692] I heard a different thing.
[693] All my life.
[694] I'm telling you.
[695] I thought you were violated on that set, and I got upset.
[696] The Houssiks are bad here, and that's what it sounded like.
[697] No, no, anybody ever touched me. Charles Heston.
[698] Yeah.
[699] So he was your uncle and your grandfather, Jacques.
[700] We used to call him Chuck Hess.
[701] No one shortens the last name.
[702] You call him Uncle Chuck All my life I've waited You're coming and dreaded it The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise Your breed made on desert tougher ages ago Wow Wow That's very cool I learned out from him From Chuck Hess Your uncle was Charlton Heston And you guys would call him Chuck Hess I used to love zero What?
[703] Zero Zero I'm a ape Yeah I'm the ape Don't we call him I'm gonna eight Oh, wasn't she?
[704] I'm enjoying the silences more than anything.
[705] It fills me with absolute joy.
[706] You are, you know what you are?
[707] You're very musical as a comedian and as just a performer.
[708] You just hit all these different notes.
[709] You know what I'm talking about, Jimmy?
[710] It's very musical.
[711] Do you know what I mean?
[712] How you know, you play the bass?
[713] No, no, that's a guitar.
[714] Mike plays the music.
[715] the base.
[716] Mike.
[717] What about mine?
[718] Ain't a baby.
[719] He was good.
[720] How much you want for that base, man?
[721] About $20.
[722] I get about $40 on the streets for it.
[723] Huh?
[724] You want some weed?
[725] You don't want to get hot.
[726] Let's not do this here, guys.
[727] All right?
[728] You're making a transaction.
[729] Okay.
[730] Yes, Miles Davis.
[731] You hit all these crazy.
[732] Crazy notes.
[733] Do you know that?
[734] Are you a musical?
[735] When?
[736] Are you a musical person?
[737] I'm a musical person.
[738] I'm a musical person?
[739] Yeah, I always heard like one of your heroes was Louis Armstrong.
[740] Ooh, Lou, Lou, lo, lo, I see trees of green, red roses, too.
[741] That's how my old bra sounds.
[742] She got an old casino voice.
[743] She got an old casino voice.
[744] Tracy, I love you.
[745] Give me my cigarettes.
[746] I see trees of green, red roared is blue, skies that are blue for me and you, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
[747] Yes.
[748] Tracy, why are you?
[749] You know a whole casino voice.
[750] You could, you should play Louis Armstrong.
[751] I am.
[752] Sure.
[753] Sure you are.
[754] I am.
[755] Sure they bring me that bag of money.
[756] Well, maybe it's not about a lot of money.
[757] Maybe it's just an artistic dream.
[758] Maybe you won't get a lot of money.
[759] Who said that?
[760] I need a bag, man. You need a bag.
[761] I need a bag.
[762] Where do you go in between...
[763] When you're present, you are so present and you're so here, and then I see your eyes go kind of dead.
[764] And then you look out here and see the audience for the first time every 10 minutes.
[765] What's happening?
[766] Conan, you got to get out my head.
[767] You're in my head.
[768] I got to get out of there, I know.
[769] He'd be trying to get in my head.
[770] Yeah.
[771] You see we wondering where I'll be going and stuff.
[772] You ever see Star Trek?
[773] Yeah.
[774] Could I ask your question?
[775] Sure.
[776] In Star Wars, where was the relationship at?
[777] You mean?
[778] Was it Luke in Han Solo?
[779] Was a Han Solo or Leia?
[780] Or was a Chewbacca in a Han Solo?
[781] Who had the relationship?
[782] I think what we're talking about here is a romantic Mexican standoff between three couples.
[783] What you said?
[784] I ain't said nothing about no Mexican porn, man. You don't got to go there.
[785] I'm talking about.
[786] my Star Wars.
[787] He's bringing other things into it.
[788] You big old freak.
[789] He's a freak.
[790] Thank you.
[791] Huge freak.
[792] You get him.
[793] That's it.
[794] You got him.
[795] He's a witty, bing bing bing bong freak.
[796] You know the relationship was between Luke and Han Solo.
[797] That's weird.
[798] You could tell that Empire strikes back when they're on the ice planet.
[799] Remember?
[800] When they told Luke, don't go out there.
[801] You'll never have.
[802] You're a freeze before a nightfall, and he went out there anyway, remember?
[803] Yeah.
[804] And then the ice polar bear hit him.
[805] The wampa.
[806] He came at him with the brimpa.
[807] I don't think it was an ice polar bear.
[808] I think it was a wampa.
[809] You asked me. Same thing.
[810] Well, he hit Luke.
[811] Wait, what?
[812] Someone else has it out there.
[813] I just said.
[814] It's a tauntan.
[815] No, tauntan is what they ride.
[816] Wait a minute.
[817] No. Y 'all get me confused.
[818] You shouted out the answer and you were wrong?
[819] No, they said Wampa.
[820] In front of 3 ,500 people?
[821] You've got to be sure when you do that shit.
[822] You don't stand and go, Tonton, sir!
[823] Oh, my name is not Iqabod.
[824] Might have been a Tontan.
[825] Was it?
[826] I think it.
[827] No, what was it?
[828] It was Wampa.
[829] Okay, Wampa hit him.
[830] You know what's funny?
[831] There are notes here.
[832] There are notes here, and I swear on my life, we have not touched on one of these things.
[833] And we never, ever will.
[834] No, me and I'm don't be doing no interview.
[835] Me and I don't do interviews and notes.
[836] We never do.
[837] We get out there, and that's my guy.
[838] Some idiot always hands me notes, and I'm like, it's Tracy.
[839] You don't have notes?
[840] This is hand -to -hand combat that's happening right here.
[841] Yes, it is.
[842] And I'm getting my ass kicked all up and down the road.
[843] And I love it.
[844] I love it.
[845] I'm telling you, you are a musician.
[846] I'm inside your head again.
[847] You see musical notes.
[848] It's impulse.
[849] The high highs, the low lows, the quiets.
[850] Then an explosive sound.
[851] Yeah.
[852] Way again.
[853] Sometimes.
[854] Sometimes.
[855] Sometimes I'll be going and I'll be thinking my stuff.
[856] You'd be what?
[857] I be thinking my stuff.
[858] I was thinking about government cheese and orange soda just now Government cheese and orange soda You know what I was just thinking about When I was in the third grade I liked this girl So I wrote a note If you want to be my girlfriend Check yes or check no And she checked no So I started aiming for her head And dodgeball So you ain't gonna be my girlfriend I'm gonna take your head off Okay, well, that's a bad impulse And I'm glad that you outgrew that That's good I have Good Are you looking for a long -term relationship Do you think you could be with somebody For a long period of time Like you want someone As long as she knows how to make lasagna With six different cheeses Yeah, but Tracy If you end up with someone Who's 85 and has emphysema I don't got to worry about her She ain't never gonna leave me She's just gonna die Well, okay You're dying She's dying She's dying Old women don't leave you They just die Don't you see any sadness to that That's to be very sad Be very painful My old broad Yeah We had a good time We had a great week That's what she had left So she was going to leave anyway She was going to leave this earth anyway And you gave her a good time on the way out a good race.
[859] Talking about.
[860] That was my C -biscuit.
[861] She ran a damn good race.
[862] Well, Tracy, what's on the horizon for you?
[863] You know, what are your, what a projects are coming up for you, Tracy, old chum?
[864] I don't know.
[865] You got my, you got to ask.
[866] my agent.
[867] Yo, Matt Frost, where you at?
[868] Back there somewhere.
[869] Would he know what, and what happens?
[870] Do they just tell you this is what you're doing next or do you have meetings?
[871] How does it all work?
[872] And then I'll go do it.
[873] You say, be funny.
[874] Yeah, okay.
[875] I'm just out there.
[876] Yeah.
[877] I love making them lives.
[878] You're very, man. I'm making her and him live too.
[879] Yeah, you are.
[880] I love y 'all, man. Y 'all for real.
[881] You've been nice to me over the years, Tracy.
[882] You've always come on you see black you my dude man you know i gave you that a k a see black see blizzard you know your ghetto pass the stamp by me you free to walk all in hollum so wait a minute you don't got to worry how does that work exactly do i dial you up if i get into any kind of situation or is it just people the word is out that you've given me a pass i know you coming through Everybody uptown know you're coming through.
[883] That's C. Blizzard.
[884] That's Trey Man, leave him alone.
[885] And this is okay the way I'm dressed?
[886] Yeah, no, you might have to change your shoes, but you got.
[887] Got to get some pumas.
[888] You got to get some pumas?
[889] So the word is out that I...
[890] Because everything is changing in Brooklyn, man. Especially in Brooklyn, everything's becoming gentrified.
[891] Yeah, that's what I heard.
[892] Everybody's gentrified.
[893] Everything is gentrified.
[894] I used to live in Williams, back in 1988.
[895] You ain't living in a bird?
[896] Yeah.
[897] You lived in a bur?
[898] Yeah.
[899] You went to Eastern District?
[900] I don't know where I was.
[901] I know this is, look.
[902] I was in Williamsburg, and I was not too far from the bridge, and it was not a good time to be there.
[903] There was a lot of crack epidemic, and a lot of heavy stuff was going on.
[904] I was a part of that.
[905] My aunt used to get hot.
[906] Uh -huh.
[907] One time she bought me a Game Boy for Christmas, and then she stole it.
[908] Oh, geez.
[909] And then she helped me look for it.
[910] I said, why you brought me a gay boy in there stealing?
[911] Then I'd we look for it.
[912] She said, I had to eliminate myself as a suspect.
[913] That's a terrible story.
[914] That used to sell crack.
[915] Okay.
[916] But I couldn't do it no more.
[917] I couldn't do it no more because I'm going to feel sorry for the crackheads.
[918] I would sell them crack and didn't feel sorry for him because I was a crack dealer with a heart of gold.
[919] Uh -huh.
[920] Were you really?
[921] You had a heart of gold as a crack dealer?
[922] Hi.
[923] Sometimes I'll just be checking on you Yeah It's a good It's a good instinct It's a good instinct Because I can hear it Well you're very funny I can hear it Yeah Long as you don't be like Huh -Huh Don't you don't be like that No His laugh is smooth You're smooth You're ladies man You got that turtleneck He's got that turtleneck on He's got that turtleneck on I noticed that too Women love turtlenecks He knew it Yeah He flew he's 3 ,000 miles away from the and kids and suddenly he's wearing a turtleneck and out in New York.
[924] Yo, you're going to get in trouble, kid.
[925] Oh, no. Yeah, you are.
[926] If your wife see you with that turtleneck on?
[927] Keep on.
[928] I keep this turtleneck in an apartment in New York City.
[929] It just, just tear about itself.
[930] Good, good.
[931] That's good.
[932] I'm just going to let this one go as long as I possibly can.
[933] You've got any words of wisdom for us, Tracy?
[934] Do I have words of wisdom?
[935] Words of wisdom.
[936] People look to...
[937] You made Peter Bun Jelly put the...
[938] peanut butter on first.
[939] Does that make sense to everybody?
[940] Yeah, because you don't want the jelly in the peanut butter and the jelly get harder and then, you don't want that.
[941] So peanut butter goes on first and then...
[942] Everybody's know about PJ, man. Come on.
[943] Come on.
[944] Everybody ain't know how to make...
[945] I bet the Tantan guy has a different way of doing it.
[946] He probably don't know how to make peanut butter jelly.
[947] Or he does the jelly first.
[948] You got to know how to make peanut butter and jelly, kid.
[949] He left a while ago.
[950] You shook him up.
[951] He's walking downtown crying.
[952] I shook him up.
[953] I put it all on Tonton.
[954] He's a shook kid from Brooklyn.
[955] Where do you live and when can I come by?
[956] Could I come by?
[957] What would it be like if we hung out?
[958] How would it go?
[959] What?
[960] It'd be straight love.
[961] What?
[962] Be straight loves.
[963] Okay.
[964] I'm hanging out with Conan O 'Brien.
[965] They would never...
[966] How did that happen?
[967] That's what you'd be thinking.
[968] Look at all these people, man. Yeah.
[969] This is not bad, man. But, you know, I want to hang with you.
[970] This is not bad for a dude that ain't get his GED.
[971] Not bad for a kid that with the PS -59.
[972] This is dope.
[973] I said that to myself when I ate dinner at the correspondent's dinner.
[974] Conan was there.
[975] And I looked around, I said, not bad for a guy that graduated from public school.
[976] Now I've died.
[977] Look at all these people.
[978] You see it?
[979] Yes.
[980] Yeah, Tracy, you're the only one who keeps seeing them for the first time.
[981] I've been out here for an hour with these people.
[982] I'm well aware that they're here.
[983] It must be so nice that you're constantly having these new experiences.
[984] You're calling it.
[985] That dude right there keep looking at me. What's his problem?
[986] I saw my eyes on you.
[987] What do you think he's looking at?
[988] Got on a white shirt.
[989] I see him.
[990] Yeah, I see him too.
[991] Oh, that's a female.
[992] I'm sorry.
[993] That's why she keep looking at me. Because I got on that cologne.
[994] I go on juke.
[995] You think it's the jupe?
[996] Is the reason the ladies are looking at you?
[997] jupe is sort of it's moving around and people are I walk past females and they go what was that do you smell like that will you hook me up with some jupe is it easy to get I got a bottle coming your way now I don't think that's gonna happen yo Lucas provide me to send um corner some juke it's $35 on Amazon it is right yeah okay I'd like it to be a gift yeah okay it would be more to me if it was a gift and then I want to surprise my lady I want Liza.
[998] I want to come home some night and I'm gonna have it out and how much jupe do I put on?
[999] Half a bottle.
[1000] You're a beginner.
[1001] You gotta go half a bottle.
[1002] Do I use a ladle?
[1003] How does it go on?
[1004] Keep spraying until your finger get tired.
[1005] Okay.
[1006] Tracy, I've never met any, I've spent a lifetime talking to funny people.
[1007] and I see like there are these categories of this kind of funny person and that kind of funny person and then there's you I've never ever met anyone like you I never will again this is a high compliment you are you are just a delight it just happens with you it's really you're very special seriously I mean that I know I know I've never told you this before Conan but you don't know what you mean to me man oh sweet thank you know what you mean to me man I feel safe I feel comfortable with my sense of humor around you.
[1008] Well, I'm glad.
[1009] Because to me, you're the pro of pros.
[1010] You know how to pick and choose your fights.
[1011] You're the pro of pros, man. I love you, man. Thank you.
[1012] Thank you.
[1013] You're a good friend.
[1014] You're a good friend, and you came here in the rain.
[1015] All these people came in the rain.
[1016] You know what it's like in L .A. That's raining outside?
[1017] Tracy Morgan, everybody.
[1018] I love you.
[1019] you, Tracy.
[1020] I don't understand.
[1021] It's such a happening anytime I talk to him and the thing I love so much and, you know, these clips go out and they're worth looking up because you'll hear this on the podcast, you'll hear it on Sirius XM, whatever, but just go online and find the clips because when Tracy, the expressions he has, the way he uses his face and he says these things with absolute conviction that are such bullshit and and then he's able to just have his eyes just settle on the crowd and he almost gets sad and he goes someplace else and then comes back and he's always been like that he's heavenly it's like he's looking into another dimension but seeing the truth it's amazing well if that's the truth we're in terrible trouble are you actually going to wear jup i'm gonna you know what i am going to do i'm going to get jup and i'm going to to put it on and not tell my wife and i'm going to just to see what happens and then we can talk about it on the show i really will do it and trust me she won't know because she doesn't listen to me so well uh we'd like to take some uh voicemails from yeah voicemails this is uh we pretend we're we pretend we're listening to voicemails as if we were doing the podcast instead these are real people who are here right now that's right these are real live live voicemail.
[1022] So we're going to start with, we've chosen some fun people.
[1023] We're going to begin with Tim.
[1024] Here comes Tim.
[1025] Yeah.
[1026] Here is Tim.
[1027] Hi, guys.
[1028] Hey, Tim.
[1029] How are you?
[1030] I'm doing good.
[1031] Yeah.
[1032] Tell us a little bit about yourself.
[1033] I'm a bridge and tunnel Irishman.
[1034] Is that true?
[1035] That is very true.
[1036] From New Jersey, I came across.
[1037] How much, how much Irish are we talking about?
[1038] Oh, grandparents came over.
[1039] My dad told me when I was growing up that all Irishmen were short, so you were very confusing to me when I was younger.
[1040] Yeah, yeah.
[1041] But have you had your genealogy done?
[1042] Do you know how much Irish you are?
[1043] Oh, 100%.
[1044] Me too.
[1045] Yeah.
[1046] And I got it, did you get excited when you heard you were 100 %?
[1047] Oh, absolutely.
[1048] I got so excited, and then the doctor told me, you idiot, it just means you're inbred.
[1049] And then I looked in and I'm like, oh yeah, that's right.
[1050] Because we've been living in the United States since like 1850.
[1051] So if I'm still 100%, Irish, and then I looked into it, and it's like, yeah, everybody kind of lived in one house.
[1052] I had babies for 150 years, which explains a lot.
[1053] You're like the Targaryens.
[1054] Yes, I am.
[1055] I'm an Irish Targaryen, yeah.
[1056] Well, very nice to meet you.
[1057] You guys, too.
[1058] So the quick question, I know you don't like to date your podcast, but we heard this week there was a powerball drawing, and the, I think it was $2 billion winner.
[1059] Yeah.
[1060] was picked in Altadena, California, which is where Sona's from.
[1061] Yes, yes, this is such a good question.
[1062] They announced the Powerball winner, and it's a massive amount of money, $2 billion, and Sona, all of us thought the same thing.
[1063] The ticket was purchased at a gas station that is, how close to your house?
[1064] It's the gas station I go to, and I know, it's so close, but I don't play the lottery.
[1065] I don't play Powerball.
[1066] Yeah, but also, when you think about it, you won the ultimate lottery.
[1067] Oh, boy.
[1068] If I won, I would not answer a single phone call from you for the rest of my life.
[1069] I would be so out of here.
[1070] Hey, has that person come forward yet?
[1071] Do they know who it is?
[1072] So someone's walking around with a ticket in their pocket but they don't know it or for some reason they haven't come forward yet.
[1073] Empty your pockets.
[1074] Yeah.
[1075] Well, how do you know?
[1076] I mean, you're whacked out half the time.
[1077] How do you know you don't have...
[1078] Seriously, how do you know you don't have the $2 billion ticket shoved into your hello kitty purse somewhere?
[1079] What do you think my life is?
[1080] You think I just get, because we're talking about me getting high, I just go to the gas station and buy lottery tickets.
[1081] And then I went $2 billion and I'd be like, I don't know, I was high.
[1082] I have kids.
[1083] I have to be somehow, like, coherent most of the time.
[1084] What's that little catch -all there?
[1085] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[1086] Most of the time.
[1087] Somewhat coherent.
[1088] what would you do sona what would you the real question is what would you seriously do if you had two billion dollars i mean that could have been you that really could have been you you you you drive past that gas station all the time i don't i honestly i don't even i would is it i would donate a lot of it because it seems like like a lot i don't know and i'd buy um oh that's it i would donate it because one person does not need that much money right how mad would yeah Tax the rich, right, guys.
[1089] I don't know.
[1090] I buy a beach house, a really big one, to be honest.
[1091] Can you imagine how angry?
[1092] I've always thought about this, how angry people would be if a very famously affluent person or a celebrity won the $2 billion lottery.
[1093] And people said, so what are you going to do and they're like, real estate, real estate.
[1094] And I'm also going to make, you know, just nothing at all, I'm going to give it away, I'm going to do, you know, how angry people would be.
[1095] I know, well, they should be.
[1096] Why is a wealthy person even playing the lottery?
[1097] not for those people.
[1098] It's for those of us who want to be rich overnight.
[1099] So, yeah, well, anyway, I'm glad that you didn't need that $2 billion, and I think you have a very happy life without it.
[1100] I don't need it.
[1101] Yeah, and also, everybody who wins the lottery ends up being miserable.
[1102] Yeah, it's a curse.
[1103] It's a curse.
[1104] Isn't it a curse?
[1105] I think it is.
[1106] I'd like to find it.
[1107] Imagine the number of, like, relatives that come out of the woodwork and are like, oh, hey, I heard you won $2 billion.
[1108] Why don't they make that noise up front?
[1109] Hey.
[1110] Are they just secreting this ooze from their mouth?
[1111] Could I have some money?
[1112] What would you do, $2 billion?
[1113] You're close to.
[1114] You'd buy a turtleneck that goes up even higher.
[1115] Yeah.
[1116] That's you.
[1117] That with a yachting cap on.
[1118] Hello, everybody.
[1119] I would buy Team Coco and run it into the ground like Elon Muskard with Twitter.
[1120] Hey.
[1121] All right, well, I think we've answered your question as best we can.
[1122] Nice to meet you, Tim.
[1123] Who's next?
[1124] Braylin, come on down.
[1125] Come on down.
[1126] You've won nothing.
[1127] What is your name?
[1128] I didn't hear it?
[1129] Hi, my name is Braylin.
[1130] Hey, Braylin.
[1131] How are you?
[1132] Hi, I'm good.
[1133] How are you?
[1134] That's a lovely name.
[1135] I like that.
[1136] Hi.
[1137] Thank you very much.
[1138] It's actually Irish, Conan.
[1139] Whoa.
[1140] Yes, all customers today are Irish.
[1141] I know.
[1142] It's Irish night here.
[1143] It's either everyone here is Irish.
[1144] What if every single person is?
[1145] Oh, Conan, I have no question for you.
[1146] When you have a Guinness, do you wipe it off with a piece of cardboard?
[1147] What do you use your pinky?
[1148] What do you, are you, are you, where are you from?
[1149] I'm from central New Jersey.
[1150] Okay.
[1151] Yeah, which does exist.
[1152] Tonight is exclusively Irish from New Jersey.
[1153] Yeah, wow.
[1154] I'm currently a law student.
[1155] So my question was actually, I know that on one of your latest podcast, you mentioned that your backup to comedy would have been law, and I wanted to talk about what kind of lawyer you'd be in why, and more than anything, I wanted to thank you guys for all the laughs.
[1156] Oh, thank you so much.
[1157] We love doing it.
[1158] Thank you.
[1159] I'm going to say that I never really thought of it.
[1160] I remember someone asked me, it was, you know, when I was going to college and I had worked really hard as a student, and someone said, you know, what are your plans?
[1161] And I just knew that you had to say something.
[1162] So I said, well, I think I'll work hard in college, and then I'll go on to law school.
[1163] But that's about as much.
[1164] It just sounded like something that would get someone to stop asking me. so I didn't really think that I didn't hadn't given it any thought it's the way if you're like five and you say I'll be an astronaut you know and so I didn't know I just said that and then the irony is that I worked really I dreamed about show business and then said well that's never going to happen and gave up on it as a kid and then decided well if I'm not going to do that I better work hard and be a good student so I did that and then got to a really good school that happened to to have this insanely cool humor magazine.
[1165] So in order by trying to escape that world and be sensible, I ended up in this foolishness factory.
[1166] And so we'll never know what kind of a terrible silly lawyer I would have been, you know?
[1167] But we can imagine.
[1168] Yeah, yeah.
[1169] You know what I would have done?
[1170] I would have done a lot of, I love the idea I want to be part of a trial at some point and make big speeches because those are some of the funniest moments in movies, you know?
[1171] There are just so many great comedy scenes that take place when someone's making an ass of themselves in front of a judge.
[1172] And I love a serious environment because it makes me act very silly.
[1173] So when we shoot remotes, we're always looking for a place that takes the wine tastings very seriously.
[1174] And it makes me crazy and I go insane.
[1175] And it forces all my energy in the other direction.
[1176] So I think I'd be one of those lawyers that would just say insane things in front of the judge.
[1177] I think all of my clients would be executed.
[1178] Even if they weren't up for a capital crime.
[1179] Just misdemeanors.
[1180] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[1181] Traffic violations.
[1182] Well, you didn't pay the proper tax on this parking lot you own death.
[1183] You'd be disbarred immediately.
[1184] I would be disbarred, but I would have a lot of fun.
[1185] I would have a lot of fun while I was doing it.
[1186] Do you know what kind of law you're going to study?
[1187] Yeah, so after graduation, I'll be going to a national firm to do litigation.
[1188] I'm not sure specifically which type of litigation yet, but I know I want to do that rather than transactional.
[1189] Okay, it was a mistake for me to ask specifically.
[1190] That's not on you.
[1191] That is so on me. I forgot that this was a show, and I thought for a minute that I was hiring for a law firm.
[1192] And you gave the correct answer, and then I realized, oh, right, wrong setting.
[1193] All right, I think we have another question here.
[1194] Let me guess.
[1195] You're Irish, and you're from New Jersey.
[1196] No, I'm not Irish.
[1197] Okay, uh -huh.
[1198] But I am from New Jersey.
[1199] Oh, yes.
[1200] Hey, what is your name?
[1201] Martha.
[1202] Martha, okay.
[1203] Tell us a little bit about yourself.
[1204] Um, uh, well, okay, since people, like, brought up their, like, nationality, well, I'm Nigerian.
[1205] Mm -hmm.
[1206] And I work in a city as a television news producer.
[1207] Good for you.
[1208] You seem very young.
[1209] You're moving your way up in the world.
[1210] You've got an incredibly cool jacket, too.
[1211] Thank you.
[1212] I love your jacket.
[1213] Thank you.
[1214] I want that jacket.
[1215] You're going to give me that jacket right now.
[1216] What are you doing?
[1217] Would that jacket fit me?
[1218] It might.
[1219] Do you mind if I try it on?
[1220] Sure.
[1221] All right, so Conan is walking to the edge of the stage here.
[1222] Sona, let's play -by -play this.
[1223] Okay, he's trying on that jacket.
[1224] Yeah.
[1225] You know, it's...
[1226] It's not bad.
[1227] Actually, it's very cool.
[1228] The sleeves are a little short, but the length is good.
[1229] The sleeves are short, but it does fit, and it's a cool, it's a really cool jacket.
[1230] Conan is wearing the latest Tom Ford fashions with a scent of jupe cologne wafting through the air.
[1231] He's changed.
[1232] He's, he's a changed person.
[1233] Yeah.
[1234] Get that dry cleaned.
[1235] You're going to be going home and you're going to say, why does my jacket smell of desperation?
[1236] There's a needy musk in this jacket.
[1237] Thank you for that.
[1238] Sure.
[1239] Happy to help you.
[1240] Oh, gosh.
[1241] So, yeah, I work in television, and I really love television.
[1242] So, like, one of my favorite things to know about people is, like, what's their, like, comfort TV show?
[1243] Like, the show that you watch when you need to, like, cheer up, and, like, it's always good every single time.
[1244] You know, I have to say there's a bunch of the...
[1245] them um and there's some that i didn't really get to know at the time but uh but i got to know them better over time and i formed a really good bond with my kids where we watch them together and um i have a 17 year old son is a big comedy fan and so we whenever he's stressed or we're both stressed or we just both need to blow off steam we will watch arrested development uh also i come And this happened during COVID, but I, and I'm very good friends with Joel McHale, and I had seen community, but I, but I, over COVID, we started at the beginning and we watched it all the way through.
[1246] And it is absolutely transformatively funny.
[1247] It's, it's very, it's so creative.
[1248] And when I used to read about it, people would say, yeah, it's really like they're doing a claimation episode.
[1249] And I think, well, maybe they're just being meta for meta's sake, you know?
[1250] No. That show is unerringly unusual and kind of perfect and sweet.
[1251] And so I love that show needs to be celebrated.
[1252] So those are shows that I relate.
[1253] What are the shows that you go to?
[1254] So I watch a lot of science fiction.
[1255] So my favorite ones are like Star Trek, the original series.
[1256] Which really hold up beautifully.
[1257] Yeah, it does.
[1258] And then Babylon 5 and then Quantum Leap.
[1259] Thank you, Martha.
[1260] Thank you.
[1261] So where do I meet you to pick up my jacket?
[1262] No, let it go.
[1263] You can meet me after the show.
[1264] It's not your jacket.
[1265] Thank you very much.
[1266] It was so cool talking to you.
[1267] So great, we go.
[1268] Time for one more.
[1269] One more?
[1270] All right.
[1271] We'll close out with Kara or Kara.
[1272] You choose Kara.
[1273] Or Kara.
[1274] It's Kara.
[1275] Hey.
[1276] It's Kara.
[1277] Hey, Kara.
[1278] How are you?
[1279] Hi.
[1280] Good choice.
[1281] I'm great.
[1282] This is amazing.
[1283] Hi, guys.
[1284] Hey, how are you?
[1285] Awesome.
[1286] I can't believe I'm talking to you guys.
[1287] I'm sweating a lot.
[1288] Oh, don't worry about it.
[1289] We're just people who happened to have attained a very...
[1290] Oh, wait.
[1291] That's what...
[1292] God -like status, I suppose.
[1293] Trust me, I bleed if I'm cut.
[1294] It's more gold than blood, but I will live forever.
[1295] We know that.
[1296] Tell us a little bit about yourself.
[1297] I'm a new mom.
[1298] I have a seven -month -old son.
[1299] Thank you.
[1300] We did it.
[1301] Yeah.
[1302] Yeah, very exciting.
[1303] And how is Little Conan?
[1304] He's great.
[1305] No one goes with that name.
[1306] Except now there's this guy Conan Gray.
[1307] Yeah.
[1308] And people love this guy Conan Gray.
[1309] He's so cool.
[1310] He's creeping up on me. I don't like it.
[1311] He's young.
[1312] Okay, whatever.
[1313] I could be young again.
[1314] Wait a little my album comes out.
[1315] Alright, I'm sorry.
[1316] No, it's okay.
[1317] This is actually, his name is Harrison.
[1318] This is the first time that I am leaving him overnight.
[1319] so to come see you guys.
[1320] This is the first time I've left my daughter, too.
[1321] Yeah, it's hard, right?
[1322] Yeah, I don't think we should have done it.
[1323] Where did you leave, Harrison?
[1324] A bus station.
[1325] I'm from Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
[1326] Are you Irish?
[1327] No. Oh, you have to sit down.
[1328] You have to have one of the two.
[1329] Sorry, we have no time for your question.
[1330] Okay, bye.
[1331] Next.
[1332] Conan.
[1333] Well, actually, so my question is, Conan, I don't know if you're aware, but sometimes you do this voice on the podcast.
[1334] and it reminds me of Charlie in the box from the original stop motion Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and the island of Misfit Toys.
[1335] You got to look it up.
[1336] No, no, I know that special really well because people used to say I looked a lot like that elf.
[1337] Herbie the dentist.
[1338] And I used to get people all the time like, hey, it's her, me the dentist.
[1339] And, you know, I want to be a dentist.
[1340] And so I know that show really well, but I don't remember Charlie in the box.
[1341] Well, when they go to the island of Misfit Toys.
[1342] Yes, I know, I know.
[1343] There's squirt gun that shoots jelly.
[1344] And Charlie in the Box is like the century for the island of Missed Toys.
[1345] He's a one that's like this.
[1346] Yeah, that.
[1347] Oh, that guy.
[1348] I'm a Charlie in the box.
[1349] You're right.
[1350] Maybe that's where it comes from.
[1351] I don't know.
[1352] So I was wondering, what would your, what misfit toy would you be?
[1353] What do you mean would I be?
[1354] I feel like, I really do feel like I have been a misfit toy.
[1355] No, I mean, in a good way.
[1356] I mean, I think that's one of the nice things about that story for kids.
[1357] kids is that I'm very honest about the fact that I felt like a misfit.
[1358] And then so many of the people, I found this career where I just kept picking up other misfits and there's power in numbers.
[1359] And I think that's something really fun, especially about the comedy community, is all of my heroes are misfits.
[1360] You know, we don't.
[1361] So I don't know, I never felt secure.
[1362] I know this is like a serious answer, but I honestly think I never felt, I felt like, you know, when I was 15, 16, 17, well through my 20s.
[1363] I didn't have it together and I didn't think I didn't really know what my personality was it just took so long so I think I would fit in very well on the island of misfit toys I think yeah and I don't know exactly what toy I would be dressed exactly like I am now all black denim but I don't know I mean I don't know do you have any thoughts about what I should be?
[1364] I mean yeah like you kind of are dressed like a snake eyes the G .I. Joe or something like that, you know?
[1365] Wait, what's snake eyes the G .I. Joe?
[1366] Well, he's dressed all in black, but he wears like a hood and, and he doesn't...
[1367] There was a G .I. Joe that went around wearing a hood?
[1368] Well, not a hood, but like a, like a head mat, like a ninja mask and...
[1369] But he's in the Army.
[1370] He's in the United States Army.
[1371] This is not your generation's G. G .I. Joe.
[1372] What happened to G. Joe?
[1373] It's called G. G .I. Joe.
[1374] No, they got crazy.
[1375] There's a samurai in G. That's just insane.
[1376] I didn't do it.
[1377] I don't know what's going on.
[1378] G .I. Joe, Draft Dodger.
[1379] Conscientious objector.
[1380] Push the button on his back and he presents his Canadian passport.
[1381] That's the G .I. Joe I would have.
[1382] Great.
[1383] Love it.
[1384] Love it.
[1385] I'd just be a weird draft dodger on the island of misfit toys.
[1386] Yeah.
[1387] But I love that.
[1388] I'm going to watch that again.
[1389] I've got to see that again.
[1390] It's a classic.
[1391] Every year you've got to watch it.
[1392] I love that.
[1393] I remember seeing it for the first time and when the, I mean, spoiler alert, but when you, when Yukon Cornelius charges the Abominable Snowman and they both go over the cliff, that was like my first experience with death.
[1394] Seriously, I thought that he had died and, I mean, I was very young.
[1395] I was like 24 and very naive and sweet 24.
[1396] But I was horrified.
[1397] I remember that really clearly.
[1398] It's really scary.
[1399] Yeah, terrifying.
[1400] I've never seen it.
[1401] You haven't seen it?
[1402] No. What's your problem?
[1403] What is you going to see it?
[1404] I'm sorry.
[1405] Let's roll it right now.
[1406] Wouldn't that be great if we could?
[1407] Oh, man. All right.
[1408] Well, that's what I think, you know, yeah.
[1409] I literally watched that two days ago with my daughter.
[1410] I'm glad you watched it with your daughter.
[1411] Well.
[1412] What if you were just, I just watched it on the plane alone.
[1413] I think my daughter was an excuse.
[1414] You do kind of look like Kermy.
[1415] I look a lot like him.
[1416] Yeah.
[1417] I've inspired.
[1418] I've just my whole.
[1419] look is like inspired by him and the Wendy's girl.
[1420] Oh, sorry.
[1421] Well, thank you, Karen.
[1422] Thank you.
[1423] Nice to meet you.
[1424] I just want to say thank you guys because during COVID, I think a lot of people here probably had anxiety like myself and you really helped us all.
[1425] So thank you.
[1426] That's so sweet.
[1427] Thank you.
[1428] Thank you very much.
[1429] That's very cool.
[1430] That's sweet.
[1431] I hear that a lot from people, which is nice.
[1432] I think it helped me too doing it.
[1433] Yeah.
[1434] You know, just even being on a Zoom.
[1435] with you guys was nice.
[1436] Right.
[1437] Just talking and doing our foolishness.
[1438] It helped.
[1439] And you mocking me for not being able to figure out a Zoom?
[1440] Oh, that's right.
[1441] Oh, yeah.
[1442] Oh, I'm the worst.
[1443] You had to have a human come over and risk COVID to set that up for you.
[1444] You really did.
[1445] I didn't, I can't do it.
[1446] It's a machine that I don't understand.
[1447] It's a computer.
[1448] It's not a machine.
[1449] It's stealing my soul.
[1450] It is.
[1451] I'm not going to do it.
[1452] It's so easy.
[1453] All right.
[1454] You know what I think we should do?
[1455] I think we should wrap things.
[1456] up here we've had a lovely time oh well maybe there's room for one more little piece of business over there with mr jimovino so let me thank my two people who make this amazing for me son of sessian mad goarly fall is here hear the yell back to school ring the bell brand new shoes walking blues climb the fence books and pens i can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
[1457] Let's do it, everybody.
[1458] Walk with me, Susie Lee, through the park and by the tree, we will rest upon the ground.
[1459] Look at all the bugs we found.
[1460] Safely walk to school without us.
[1461] There's dirt on our uniforms from chasing all the ants and worms.
[1462] Miss any time past, any thing, sit side by side and every clap.
[1463] Teacher thinks that I sound funny But she likes the way Silly thoughts go through my head About the bugs and alphabet When I wait tomorrow I'll bet That you and I will walk together again Wanna be friends O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ossetian And Matt Goreley Produced by me, Matt Goreley Executive produced by Adam Sacks And Jeff Ross at Team Coco And Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away Jimmy Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering by Eduardo Perez Additional Production Support by Mars Melnick Talent Booking by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Brick Con You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan?
[1464] Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 3 -23 -151 -2821 and leave a message.
[1465] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1466] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.