Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit teamcoco .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hi, Sarah.
[5] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[6] Hi, thanks for having me. Glad to be here.
[7] Hello there, Sarah.
[8] And tell us where are you coming to us from?
[9] Where are you right now?
[10] Right now, I'm in Portland, Oregon.
[11] And it's sunny here today.
[12] It's normally raining.
[13] Okay, I'm looking at behind you, and it looks like either, It's a decoration or vines have invaded inside the house and taken over.
[14] It looks very cool, though.
[15] Dude, it's my, they're real.
[16] I've never been able to keep a plant alive ever in my entire life.
[17] So these definitely are real.
[18] And it's my office.
[19] I couldn't do this at my house because I have a two and a five -year -old and it's really loud.
[20] So I'm at work.
[21] Right.
[22] And who's looking after the children right now?
[23] Oh, my husband.
[24] My husband will.
[25] He's his dad.
[26] Why did you say, oh.
[27] Oh, because I'm just so happy that he gets to stay home.
[28] Like, that's the cool part.
[29] It's like he gets to stay home with them.
[30] So, yeah.
[31] That's nice.
[32] Hanging out with them.
[33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[34] Yeah.
[35] My wife asked me if I would stay home with the kids.
[36] And I said, fuck no. Oh.
[37] I think that was probably the wrong response.
[38] I did.
[39] I said, fuck no. What did your kids say?
[40] Wean, wah, they were really young.
[41] Oh, okay.
[42] But I was like, what do they do for me?
[43] I've got a career, you know, and I took off.
[44] I haven't seen them since.
[45] I'm told they're well.
[46] I'm told there are two of them.
[47] One's a boy, one's a girl.
[48] Let's get back to you, Sarah.
[49] You tell us what you do.
[50] Oh, I am an acupuncturist.
[51] Have any of you guys had acupuncture before?
[52] I have.
[53] One time.
[54] Okay, I have a story for you, Sarah, which is my wife was telling me you should try acupuncture.
[55] You should try acupuncture.
[56] So she got me a name.
[57] I went in.
[58] This woman did acupuncture and we were done.
[59] And I said, you know, that was really interesting.
[60] I think that was beneficial.
[61] I'd like to do this again.
[62] And the woman said, well, you are my last client of all time.
[63] I'm not kidding, this really happened.
[64] And I said, wait, what?
[65] And she said, you're my last client today.
[66] And today is my last day as an acupuncturist.
[67] And I'm not doing it anymore.
[68] And I'm leaving the state.
[69] And it wasn't anything I did.
[70] Are you sure?
[71] Pretty sure.
[72] She was crying.
[73] No. She said, yeah, I just this, you just happened to be the last person I'm going to do.
[74] this with and so I think that was about seven years ago and it so put me off that I think on some because I think on some level I thought I finally I tried this it seemed to be working and the person literally started taking photographs off the wall of the office as I was putting my shirt back on and so I just I don't know I felt this kind of rejection does that make sense to Sarah?
[75] Maybe it was a good thing where she's like I'm going to end on Conan O 'Brien I'm going to end on a hi you know that's a really sweet way to look at it no but i don't think so yeah i don't think so okay um well thanks for sharing that that's the first time i've ever heard that story yeah weird stories but that's that's the best but were you to do acupuncture on me um how would you approach me as a subject would i how how what would you do would you would you approach me in a separate way or does everyone get the same treatment um well everyone gets the same treatment i mean so what i would do is I would say, hey, what's up?
[76] Do you have to use the bathroom?
[77] Because I ask all my patients go to the bathroom first.
[78] And I'd say, you bet I do.
[79] I have to urinate for 40 minutes.
[80] Yeah, man. I get it.
[81] I'm a big time urinator.
[82] One of the best.
[83] Big time urine.
[84] You don't hear that much these days anymore.
[85] What a flex that is.
[86] Oh, that's such a flex.
[87] Yeah.
[88] So anyway, I'm in there.
[89] I'm urinating for 40 minutes.
[90] I come out and I'm ready to go.
[91] What happens?
[92] Oh my gosh.
[93] I'm going to ask you how your day was and how, whether or not, like, what's wrong with you?
[94] And I, even if you don't tell me, Sarah, a lot of people come up to me and say, what is wrong with you?
[95] I get that all the time.
[96] That's why I love my job because that's all I do is talk about people's problems about them.
[97] So I get to talk about them while they're in the room and all about how many things are wrong with them.
[98] So, yeah, I'd ask you what's wrong.
[99] We would talk about your stress levels.
[100] I put you on the table and then I start sticking needles all over.
[101] Okay, let me ask you a quick question, Sarah.
[102] Are you familiar with the podcast if you listen to it before?
[103] You're familiar with me as a personality?
[104] I am familiar with you as a personality for sure, and that is why I wanted to talk to you.
[105] Because I have not listened to the podcast as much as I probably should have, but I've heard you on other podcasts and I've become incredibly excited about.
[106] Wait a minute.
[107] about yeah yeah so you really enjoy me when i'm on other podcasts dude can i tell you why i have been like a huge conan pan just over the last three months three months i know i know i know i know i have like i have a 30 plus year career sarah three months okay hold on let her let her talk i'm sure this is going to be worthwhile dude you're going to love this okay dude so i've been hearing so i just like just, I honestly just discovered podcasts in general, really.
[108] So I was listening to you on other podcasts, and we've met before at like a meet and greet.
[109] Wait a minute.
[110] You and I met?
[111] When did we meet?
[112] Oh, yeah, man. Well, I think back in 2009, I sent the picture.
[113] I don't look like that anymore.
[114] You definitely do.
[115] You look the same.
[116] And where do we meet?
[117] You came and saw a show or something, a live show?
[118] Well, no, I didn't.
[119] We met, it was, you were doing like a...
[120] Were you and I married briefly?
[121] We were married briefly.
[122] I remember I married an acupuncturist in 2009, but it was a short -lived thing.
[123] It was up in Portland.
[124] I don't remember much.
[125] Yes.
[126] Well, I have a Christmas card to prove it because we met at an NBC affiliate meet and greet for the advertisers.
[127] I was in PR.
[128] I didn't want to go.
[129] Because I knew you were, but I was like busy.
[130] Wait a minute.
[131] Wait a minute.
[132] Sarah, you knew that there was a chance to get a picture with Conan O 'Brien and you weren't interested.
[133] Well, I know this.
[134] I promise this is going somewhere, but yes.
[135] Sarah, did someone force you to do this podcast?
[136] Are you being held hostage?
[137] You're going to get on the phone and talk to Conan O 'Brien, or you're never seeing your cat again.
[138] Oh, my gosh.
[139] Wait a minute.
[140] So I'm not taking this personally.
[141] I really.
[142] No. Oh, wait a minute.
[143] No, I am.
[144] You should.
[145] I am.
[146] This is crushing.
[147] Definitely should.
[148] So you knew.
[149] You had seen.
[150] my work and it, let's just say, it didn't excite you.
[151] I wasn't your cup of tea.
[152] I think that's fair to say, right, Sarah?
[153] In so many words, yes.
[154] Yes.
[155] Jesus Christ.
[156] So then, so I went and I met you and I got my picture taken.
[157] Was I nice in the moment?
[158] In the moment.
[159] Yes, listen.
[160] Listen.
[161] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[162] So I knew who you were and I, so when I first saw you in person, I was like, this is really tall.
[163] Like, you were extremely tall and you can't really tell him.
[164] You can't really tell that, but you're tall.
[165] And then I realized that, you know, I wasn't an acupuncture at the time, but I realized I could get your vibe.
[166] And you were like very kind and nice.
[167] And I wasn't expecting that from like, quote unquote, celebrities.
[168] Celebrities are not my vibe, but I've met enough of them through the work I did before acupuncture.
[169] But you had a good vibe.
[170] So, and I was young and single.
[171] So that picture that I, um, that we took together, I sent as my Christmas card and my, I promise this is going to show, I'm going to tell you how great you are in a minute, but we got this Christmas card.
[172] So you sent me out with, uh, you sent the picture of the two of us together out as a Christmas card.
[173] And how did that go over with people?
[174] Oh my gosh.
[175] My, my aunt and my cousin, they opened that they told me this two separate location, two separate times, not the same aunt and uncle or not the same, two different families.
[176] And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, And both of them said, we opened the card and we were so excited to see who it was.
[177] And because you were with a man. And then we saw it was Conan O 'Brien.
[178] So it was, again, this is like, they were.
[179] They were what?
[180] They were disappointed that it was me. They were disappointed that it was me. They were disappointed it was you because I wasn't with like a real person.
[181] Oh, okay.
[182] You weren't, yes.
[183] They knew that I was not someone who was a potential, husband material.
[184] Oh, okay.
[185] That's why.
[186] It's not like they were anti -Conan.
[187] Oh, good, no. Oh, good, yes.
[188] Oh, that's where I was going.
[189] Not them.
[190] Sarah is, yeah.
[191] Well, they were disappointed that I didn't have a boyfriend at that time.
[192] Good, good.
[193] Oh, this is it.
[194] Clearing this up.
[195] And it was just Conan O 'Brien.
[196] Well, don't say just Conan O 'Brien.
[197] It was...
[198] Okay, but listen, listen, listen.
[199] So I, anyway, learned about you, hearing you on different podcasts, and, like, I'm very serious when I say this, and I don't know you at all, we met once, but you are a super cool dude.
[200] Oh, that's nice.
[201] And I mean, the way I can just tell you really nice and you tell you handle your staff really well, right?
[202] You're very kind to them.
[203] And I own my own business, the tiny little business I own as an acupuncturist and you are, you know, run things on a different level.
[204] But listening to how you have handled all sorts of situations, because unfortunately, Unfortunately, unlike my life, your life is all over the place.
[205] Yeah.
[206] But you seem just like such a cool, such a nice person.
[207] You love what you do.
[208] And that's why I love you, Conan.
[209] Oh, that's so nice.
[210] Well, Sarah, thank you.
[211] I know it took me a long time, but I finally got to Sarah and she's, I think we're connecting, which leads me to my next question, Sarah.
[212] I, let's say I show up and I come see you and I want treatment.
[213] What would you do specifically for me that might?
[214] help me um knowing what you know about me and all that kind of stuff knowing what i know about you i would choose the point right between your eyes and this is why you'd put a needle between my eyes double tap to the head yeah dude right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and the reason why is it what would do is it would kind of get you back into like yourself and stop worrying about everyone around you and just like realize that you are awesome.
[215] Oh.
[216] That's, uh, I have, I, okay, I think you're on to something.
[217] I've actually paused, I pause for a second because, uh, I think a lot about how I'm, I had an improv teacher years and years and years ago long before I was on TV when I was doing really well in the class and just constantly getting a lot of last and everything.
[218] And then the teacher said, could I have a second to talk to you?
[219] And I said, sure.
[220] And I thought she was going to say, you're the fastest mind I've ever seen.
[221] And she said, you're so fast and you're so clever.
[222] Stop thinking so much.
[223] Just breathe when you're up there and stop leading with that.
[224] And I thought, oh, that's fascinating.
[225] And it was the best advice I ever heard.
[226] But I think you're on to something that, to quote the Ramones, I love to be sedated.
[227] I'm happiest when, and I've talked about this.
[228] a lot, but I'm happiest when it's like, it's a colonoscopy.
[229] We're going to put you under for a bit.
[230] Thank you.
[231] Thank you.
[232] I don't love the camera up the ass, but I love someone shutting down this thing in my brain that's trying to think about all the possibilities.
[233] Do you know what I mean?
[234] Oh, yeah.
[235] And when I'm doing this with patients, I often say this is like your gremlin killer or the mute button to your gremlin.
[236] And your Grimlin is always that voice in the back of your head that is going on and on and telling you for all of the reasons that you're doing, all the things you do are wrong and that's that mean voice.
[237] So this often mutes that.
[238] Okay.
[239] How long would you leave the needle in?
[240] And can the needless, can it stay in forever?
[241] That's my question.
[242] Can I just get a needle and do that now to him?
[243] Can I just?
[244] How deep does the needle go?
[245] It depends on the part of the body.
[246] So this one would go probably just, you know, a millimeter maybe.
[247] But I use a lot of three inch and five inch needles when people are coming in with like back pain and glute pain and stuff.
[248] So they can get pretty long.
[249] How many needles would you put into my body, do you think?
[250] Yours?
[251] Yeah.
[252] 10 or 12.
[253] We were told to ask you about one particular position of needle called the do one.
[254] Would you explain what that is and would you do that to Conan?
[255] So do one.
[256] First I'll tell you the anatomical.
[257] location between the anus and the sexual organs and otherwise known as the taint.
[258] So that is, yes, definitely an acupuncture point.
[259] Would I do it on Conan?
[260] Cut the question.
[261] What if there's already something there?
[262] Oh, no, no. What?
[263] Let's just say a decorative ring.
[264] What?
[265] A piercing.
[266] Ah, yeah.
[267] And can I say what?
[268] No, I mean an actual brass.
[269] a trailer hitch ring well it's actually handy for car keys you can get to the taint real fast when you need to grab something what does what does the acupuncture there do to a person oh good question so in acupuncture school we've all had it done to us and you know believe it or not in the chinese medicine texts it says that do one will calm the mind and i was like that's bullshit in no way it does it kind of does what this point does up here, except it's in the taint.
[270] It's a really interesting experience.
[271] I love that you whispered that into a microphone, except it's in the taint.
[272] I hope no one heard that.
[273] Now, wait a minute.
[274] Were you two, this is getting a delicate area, of course, in many ways, but, you know, the way a masseuse is always careful to cover certain areas, there's no way that you can jam a needle into my taint and not see everything.
[275] isn't that right well this is a good point but have you ever been wax have you ever been waxed before waxed no well i mean like when so i've never been i have never been waxed never you've never been waxed no i don't think that's something are you surprised i've never been either yeah i've been a little surprised i've been waxed i know exactly what you're talking about yeah yeah yeah yeah so you got to just put it out there and then they just got to do their thing i think she's saying that there is a way to cover it up so it sounds like you who went to some special place well wait let's let me let me let me let me let me uh let me try and we have to be very careful here and very specific sarah are you saying that there's a way to cover up so that the taint can be probed uh but you don't see other things is that right Oh, yeah, man, on your side.
[276] You have the, you have the patiently on their side.
[277] Lift up the butt cheek just like a Brazilian wax.
[278] Wait a minute.
[279] Sona, what, you're saying that, are you sure you're going, first of all?
[280] Where is this?
[281] Is this at a warehouse and there's a lot of giggling?
[282] No, she's right.
[283] I haven't gotten for a long.
[284] Was this that juggalo post?
[285] Say?
[286] So what happened when you did go?
[287] No, she's right.
[288] You do get on your side.
[289] you help the person get, yeah, I said you were flayed out on the table, but that's for part of it.
[290] But it's not all of it.
[291] But not the taint part.
[292] Not the taint part.
[293] No, no, that part you could be.
[294] This is unbelievable.
[295] You lay on your side.
[296] I mean, I mean, I don't know.
[297] I don't have one friend who hasn't been waxed before.
[298] So I this is I think only news to people who don't do.
[299] Your, your male friends get waxed.
[300] Oh, no. I don't have any male friends.
[301] I just have a husband but all my friends are girls yeah i'm just saying i think it's a i think it's a well guys get guys get waxed i don't think they do just there's four guys in here i'm getting we're getting a thumbs down from every other guy here all right guys do not get waxed down there if anything i have more hair put on okay all right he is a murkin i thought i thought some guys do i have needleed a number of freniums and oh my god men and women and i love any story that starts that way I think thinking of an old sea champion.
[302] An old guy been at sea.
[303] Tell us, old man, what a...
[304] I've needled many a perennium.
[305] What?
[306] Did you ever see any whales?
[307] No, never a whale.
[308] Did you ever go to sea?
[309] Not really, no. But I've needled many a perennial.
[310] I've used a whalebone needle out of you.
[311] Oh, gather round, ye maties.
[312] So you've needled a perennium, and it's no big deal.
[313] No big deal.
[314] Not at all.
[315] I wouldn't needle yours unless you needed it.
[316] So to answer your question to bring it all back, no, I would not needle your taint.
[317] You did, you did dudes.
[318] All of them had hair there?
[319] There were some that were probably waxed, I'm guessing.
[320] Well, that's what I was going to say.
[321] I have not actually seen a waxed taint of a dude before.
[322] Well, then you haven't truly lived, have you?
[323] No. Not yet.
[324] The elusive waxed taint.
[325] That's going to be the death side regret at 99.
[326] You're up in Portland.
[327] I never saw a waxed male taint.
[328] I've seen a Sasquatch and a Yeti, but never, never once a Max Choy taint.
[329] Okay, hang on, Grandma, we're getting, we're getting Barry in here.
[330] She's gone.
[331] Sarah, that's incredible.
[332] You, it works.
[333] Tell me, I mean, there are some people that might say, I don't think, I don't see how touching these different parts of the body with a needle could work.
[334] but how but it does work clearly it works this has been around for a thousand years and uh you know there taint no reason to say it hasn't so my question my question is uh is it how does it work this is got it i i have an answer this is my job and i love to talk about it so think about your brain or think about your body as if it's made up of a bunch of channels that run from head to toe when there's pain or when there's stress or when there's something that's bothering you in Chinese medicine because we're all acupunctures are all Chinese medicine doctors according to Chinese medicine theory when there is pain blockage something that you know is ailing you it means that the river that goes from head to toe that channel that runs through your body is blocked and it's my job to figure out Why is it blocked?
[335] And so that's why I would ask you a lot of different questions, probably look at your tongue, take your pulse, and your river could be blocked because there's a dam there, and river's not, and water isn't flowing.
[336] We call it chi in Chinese medicine isn't flowing.
[337] The river could be blocked because there's a dam further up the channel, or the dam could be blocked and there's no river, or there's nothing in the river flowing down because there just isn't any water.
[338] Does that make sense?
[339] Yeah, kind of.
[340] I think I have a dam, but it's hydroelectric.
[341] Oh, that's a problem.
[342] No, it's generating a ton of power.
[343] Okay, yeah.
[344] Yeah, so I think that's, I think I do have a dam, but it's actually, I'm profiting from it in some weird way.
[345] Yes, absolutely.
[346] Run 100%.
[347] Sarah, do you have any question for me?
[348] Is there anything I can do to help you before I fly to Portland and you jam a needle into my team?
[349] Take a shower, A. But then B, my question to you is, what is your self -care regimen?
[350] Like, lots of people use acupuncture.
[351] What's yours?
[352] To be honest, I think the best way I take care of myself is I do exercise a lot.
[353] I get my heart rate up a lot.
[354] So in that way, I think, and I have a lot of different things that I like to do.
[355] I like to move.
[356] I like to feel like I'm in pretty good shape.
[357] So that's good.
[358] What I'm not great at is getting a massage or that kind of spa self -care.
[359] I'm not good at arranging it.
[360] I get self -conscious about it.
[361] I come from a family where people don't really do that.
[362] So I think that I grew up probably biased against it.
[363] And the times in my life when I have had like a really good massage, it's a religious experience.
[364] And I'm a very pleasant person who's in touch with.
[365] God afterwards.
[366] And I don't know why I don't do that more, but I don't.
[367] And so it's problematic.
[368] And I should explore things like acupuncture.
[369] And I should explore, why not?
[370] You know, I'm a curious person.
[371] There's a lot to find out.
[372] So I should explore that.
[373] Yeah, give it a shot.
[374] You have to go more than once.
[375] It's cumulative.
[376] But it is definitely worth the time.
[377] I tell my patients all the time.
[378] I mean, the only thing that you have to invest in is the time getting to the appointment.
[379] And then all the other work is done in the room.
[380] And it's not me. It's just the needles and really your body.
[381] You know me. What I'd want to do is come get, have you do acupuncture on me, stand up, take a tall drink of water, and then have water shoot out of all these tiny holes that I've spent a lot of time and money rigging just to get that one cheap laugh.
[382] That would be good.
[383] That's good.
[384] And that I would spend so much time working on that and so much money that I would get no benefit from the acupuncture.
[385] And I'd be like, hey, Sarah, well, that was a great acupuncture session.
[386] Now time for a nice trick of water.
[387] And all the water would shoot out and you'd go, that's so lame.
[388] Why did you do that?
[389] And you got water all over the place.
[390] And I'd say a pretty funny bit, eh?
[391] And you'd say no. My relatives were right.
[392] You are disappointed.
[393] You know in the movies when it's bullet holes that do that?
[394] It just kind of drizzles out.
[395] But these would be tiny little, just little laser streams of water.
[396] Yeah.
[397] Run right between my eyes and, of course, one in the nether regions.
[398] Sarah, very nice talking to you.
[399] I like you.
[400] I'm glad that it was slow to win you over, but we finally did.
[401] And that's the important thing.
[402] It's cumulative.
[403] Yeah, it is.
[404] It is cumulative.
[405] Thank you.
[406] Yeah, you need many more, you need many more Conan treatments.
[407] It's cumulative.
[408] Well, thank you for being so great, and you are my business mentor in my brain.
[409] So when I'm talking about what my choices are, I always kind of go by your, what I've decided is your, like, dogma.
[410] So thank you very much.
[411] Well, thank you very much.
[412] It's been cool talking to you.
[413] And we'll see you on down the road.
[414] Bye, Sarah.
[415] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gawley.
[416] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[417] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[418] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[419] Supervising producer Aaron Blair.
[420] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[421] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.
[422] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[423] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[424] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.