Coroner O'Brien

[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[1] Want to talk to Conan?

[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.

[3] Okay, let's get started.

[4] Hi, Yaman.

[5] Meet Conan and David.

[6] Hello, Conan.

[7] Hey, Matt.

[8] Hey, David.

[9] How are you?

[10] Yaman.

[11] I'm doing great.

[12] How are you?

[13] I'm doing very well.

[14] It's so nice to talk to you.

[15] Yaman, I know nothing about you.

[16] I'm looking at you over a Zoom.

[17] And I see what look to be medical diplomas behind you.

[18] That is correct.

[19] And you have a microscope.

[20] Please tell me, I'm guessing you make shoes.

[21] Tiny ones under the microscope.

[22] No, what is it you do, Yamon?

[23] I'm a pathologist, as you would have guessed, from the microscope and a bunch of medical diplomas behind me, yes.

[24] Oh, so you're making it sound like I'm stupid that I couldn't connect the dots.

[25] Yamon, a microscope and medical diplomas can mean many fields.

[26] Yes, I could be in TV, and these are all just props.

[27] Yes, it could be.

[28] You could be the star of an SVU show.

[29] Exactly.

[30] And so I don't know.

[31] Many things to ask you, pathologists, so you study tissue samples under a microscope, yes.

[32] That is correct, yes.

[33] I diagnose tissue samples under the microscope.

[34] I work behind the scenes.

[35] I don't directly deal with patients.

[36] So when I diagnose a cancer, I'm not the one telling the patient about news.

[37] I tell their doctor and their daughter tells them.

[38] But, yeah, they say you should never be an interesting case to a pathologist, because that means what you've gone is pretty bad.

[39] Yeah, my motto in life is bore the doctor.

[40] Yes.

[41] You know, I never want the doctor to say, this is fascinating.

[42] I want the doctor to say, been there, done that seen in a million times.

[43] Exactly.

[44] Yes.

[45] So you're analyzing.

[46] Yeah.

[47] And what do you do?

[48] You peer through the microscope, and this is a big job.

[49] because you have to look through that microscope of yours.

[50] That looks like, what is that, a D1190, Forrester?

[51] What is that?

[52] D11 .95.

[53] Oh, very good.

[54] Very good.

[55] Those are fantastic.

[56] That's one of my favorites.

[57] Yeah, this is like, yeah, top of the line.

[58] Yeah, it's right up there with the Schleisenhaus.

[59] The Germans always make a great microscope.

[60] Listen, Yaman, I won't waste your time because there's so much to talk about here.

[61] First of all, you can't miss anything.

[62] I mean, it's important that you're really kind of.

[63] concentrating when you're looking at this tissue sample because it could mean someone's life, right?

[64] Yes, yes.

[65] Like getting the diagnosis right is like the most important first step in treating.

[66] Yeah.

[67] So what are you doing while you're looking at the sample?

[68] What are you?

[69] Is the room completely quiet?

[70] I'm usually listening to you, to your podcast.

[71] Oh, no. You're listening to.

[72] Oh, no. How many errand diagnoses is happening?

[73] There are people out there.

[74] You're like, oh, my God, that Conan, oh, that Sona, oh, that gourly.

[75] What a wacky trio.

[76] Sometimes I have to pause while I'm looking at a slide if I'm laughing so much.

[77] That's like, oh, my God.

[78] But, you know, to be honest, like, I don't listen to the podcast when it's actually, like, there are certain slides that needs critical thinking all the time and you have to, like, you have to be aware of everything.

[79] and there are some like kind of brainless slides that you just have to fly through.

[80] Yeah, we do say only listen to this podcast when performing a brainless activity.

[81] We've caused more car accidents than you could ever imagine.

[82] So this is, that's incredible that you are listening to our podcast while determining whether or not someone has cancer.

[83] I'm going to report you.

[84] I just don't have, I don't know where to report you, to be honest with you.

[85] I'm not familiar with the hierarchy in your profession.

[86] It's usually the state.

[87] licensure board.

[88] Thank you for letting us know.

[89] You're making this way too easy.

[90] What state are you in?

[91] Texas.

[92] I'm in Dallas.

[93] Would you mind just reporting yourself?

[94] Could you just turn yourself in?

[95] But then if there's any reward for people like you, if you could forward that on to us, that would be very helpful.

[96] You're a very pleasant man to track down.

[97] Yeah, very easy.

[98] So yeah, that's what I do now.

[99] Another big part of pathology that, you know, most people know about is doing autopsies.

[100] Like, we're the people who do the autopsies.

[101] I don't do them now in my current job, but that's something I had to do in my training, and I learned how to do it.

[102] Wait, you've done autopsies?

[103] I've done 70 of them.

[104] Have you ever done any while listening to this show?

[105] No, that was, because I did those autopsies back when I was training, so your podcast was not on.

[106] Wasn't on yet.

[107] Yeah.

[108] So you were just, you were watching old episodes of Gilligan's Island.

[109] You were watching reruns of the office while you were deboning someone.

[110] Listen, Yaman, I'm fascinated by autopsies.

[111] I'm a very ghoulish man. I know you are.

[112] Yeah, I'm fascinated by it.

[113] What's it like to do an autopsy?

[114] Can you just, I mean, first of all, did you completely start to disassociate yourself from the fact that this is a person?

[115] At a certain point, are you just working with what feels to you like a piece of furniture?

[116] I mean, not.

[117] Not a piece of furniture, but I mean, you have to, like, not have emotions when you're doing it because you want to do a good job.

[118] Yeah.

[119] Yeah, like a piece of furniture.

[120] Like a piece of furniture.

[121] No, I'm saying, I'm not, listen, I'm just, I'm, first of all, in interviewing you, I am opening up a window into my soul, which is that I don't really connect with humans.

[122] It's actually interesting.

[123] When I walked into my first autopsy, I thought I was going to throw up.

[124] I thought I was going to be nervous.

[125] I thought I was going to hate it, but I was completely fine.

[126] So maybe I'm a sociopath.

[127] Yeah, but you know what?

[128] We need sociopaths in entertainment.

[129] We need them in entertainment almost exclusively, and we also need them in the fields of pathology and medicine.

[130] Yeah, exactly.

[131] So, but yeah, you just, you know, like you focus on one organ at a time, and you forget everything else.

[132] How often can you look at the person on the table and pretty much guess what happened?

[133] I mean, if a lamp post is sticking through their chest, you know, right?

[134] I'm guessing the lamp post going through his chest at 80 miles an hour was probably was probably what killed him or her.

[135] But if, are there times when you just look at the body and go like, I feel like this is going to be the heart or I'm pretty sure it's going to be the liver.

[136] I mean, most of the ones that I did were like hard and you have to open the body and look through every organ to figure out what caused a person's death.

[137] because, you know, autopsies are divided into forensic and medical.

[138] So forensic autopsies are done at the medical examiner office and, you know, the ones that they show on CSI, but obviously not real -life autopsies are not like that, a lot more crude, a lot fewer answers.

[139] You know, like, you know, these TV shows show you these autopsies as if it's like the magic thing that will give you all the answers.

[140] It's not like that.

[141] You mean, so there are a lot of autopsies where it's just inconclusive.

[142] Exactly.

[143] A lot of them, yes.

[144] So, and then I did, what I did mostly were medical autopsies.

[145] So someone dies at home without anyone, you know, witnessing that.

[146] Or someone dies within a few hours of being admitted to the hospital.

[147] So you need to figure out why they died.

[148] Now, I'm going to stick to this point.

[149] You're saying many autopsies are inconclusive.

[150] Yes, definitely.

[151] You're meaning we're right to murder.

[152] of course we're going here right of murder yes there's a good chance I wouldn't be caught because many autopsies are inconclusive unless you did it with a lamppost yeah no but what I'm saying is I think we've been taught by these crime shows that we watch forensic files for example that if there's any foul play the coroner is going to catch you that's true you're making it very clear to me right now that no I have like a 70 % chance of getting away with it if I'm somewhat clever.

[153] Is that what you're saying?

[154] And is that what you're saying to my listeners as well?

[155] And is that what you're saying on the record?

[156] On the record.

[157] And something that can be taken to the state licensure board.

[158] To the court.

[159] Yeah.

[160] We also would like you to sue yourself.

[161] Yeah.

[162] So yeah, report myself, sue myself, and just lock myself up.

[163] You're a very chipper guy who's destroying his own career in front of us.

[164] And while laughing, which is, have you ever, Have you ever been doing an autopsy and you're down there and you're in the chest cavity and then you look up almost to a camera that's not there and said, this was murder.

[165] Have you ever done that?

[166] I wish.

[167] You wish?

[168] Do you want to do it right now?

[169] You could look down and then look right up to us and say, and show us how you would do it, Yamon, say, this was murder.

[170] All right, so I'm like going through the chest and I'd like take out the heart.

[171] Oh, this is murder.

[172] That's good.

[173] That's fantastic.

[174] Is that good?

[175] Yaman, that was really good.

[176] Okay.

[177] That was really good.

[178] That was really good.

[179] Yeah, I love that you held it up to the light and you went, this is murder.

[180] I still prefer the past tense.

[181] This was murder.

[182] But that's fine.

[183] Oh, sorry.

[184] I think what Yaman is saying is he just ripped the heart out of a life of human beings.

[185] He committed the murder.

[186] The guy was in there for an infected tooth.

[187] He thought you were a dentist.

[188] And ended with his heart.

[189] You pulled his heart out of his chest and said, this is murder, which, wow, that is fascinating.

[190] I don't know if I could handle an autopsy.

[191] I, I, it's, I don't know if I could handle it.

[192] Do you think you've listened to me a lot now, it sounds like, probably why you should have been working and paying attention.

[193] God knows how many people are walking out there with fatal rare illnesses because you were giggling.

[194] Yes.

[195] While I said, Cockeroo.

[196] or Katakai, which you, I'm just curious, do you think I would have the stomach for it, or you can't really tell?

[197] Probably.

[198] I mean, you like true crime shows.

[199] I do love it.

[200] Yeah, I love true crime.

[201] Yeah, it's, I think you'll be fine.

[202] I'll think you'll be very good at it.

[203] Yeah.

[204] Okay.

[205] Well, I'm thinking of because I just quit doing a nightly show in late night, and I'm exploring different options.

[206] You know, because the U .S. has two systems.

[207] a medical examiner system where you have to be board certified pathologists to do an autopsy, but then the parallel in like smaller counties and towns are the, it's the coroner.

[208] So if you can run for coroner, it's elected office and you don't have to be, I don't have to go, I don't have to go.

[209] I don't even have to be a doctor, yeah.

[210] You can become a coroner.

[211] You could do this because with your platform, Conan, you, you have a voice that you could reach people.

[212] No, no, I am not, kidding, Yaman and Matt, I am not kidding.

[213] I could, with the help of the podcast and my name brand, I could run in a small county here in California and I could run for coroner and I could win.

[214] I would pour money into this campaign.

[215] Yeah.

[216] And I could become a coroner.

[217] Exactly.

[218] And I could be lieutenant coroner.

[219] Well, does a coroner get to drive a car that says coroner on it?

[220] I'm not sure, but I think you do I get a siren.

[221] You get a gun, I think.

[222] Oh my God.

[223] What, no. Yes.

[224] You will be sent to like the crime scenes to.

[225] This is, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I have to, I want a gun.

[226] I want to be, I want a jacket that says coroner.

[227] Yes.

[228] I want a car that says coroner.

[229] I want a siren.

[230] It says, coroner, coroner, coroner, coroner, coroner.

[231] Yeah, like you, coroner, and then I want a gun that when it fires, goes, Corna!

[232] Yeah.

[233] I love this idea.

[234] I'm not kidding.

[235] You can do autopsies without any medical training.

[236] And you could help me. Right?

[237] You could show me which part's the chest.

[238] Yeah, you can like turn like FaceTime on and I'll just guide you through it.

[239] You know what?

[240] You are, Yaman, you are my new best friend.

[241] And I'm, I think I'm like 60 % serious that I want to become a coroner.

[242] Yeah.

[243] So yeah, just look into a small county near LA where like they don't have a medical examiner and they have a coroner's office that is an elected office and just go for it.

[244] All right.

[245] Let's get on this right away.

[246] David.

[247] I want you to start doing a search of counties in L .A. That don't have a coroner right now.

[248] It's an elected position.

[249] Got it.

[250] And I will become a coroner.

[251] I'm excited for this new career for you.

[252] Yeah.

[253] Well, it's not going to be my only thing I do.

[254] I'm still want to dabble in entertainment.

[255] Would you podcast while you do it?

[256] Of course.

[257] Yeah.

[258] I'd have the, do I get to use a lieutenant's coroner with you, Matt and Conan, and you guys can just chat over that.

[259] Can I have a, you know what I love is Sona is out right now because she gave birth to twins?

[260] But when she comes back, she's going to be back probably, probably, you know, pretty soon.

[261] But when she does come back, she's going to notice that Matt and I are coroners.

[262] And she's going to be like, what did I miss?

[263] I was gone for four months.

[264] I just had twins.

[265] Trust me. We met this guy, Yaman, and some things took some twists and turns.

[266] Now get in the car.

[267] There's been a shooting in Encino.

[268] We've got to get to the crime scene.

[269] Do I get to use a bone saw?

[270] If I was just going to ask that.

[271] Yes, yes.

[272] It's, well, first thing you do is do something called a Y incision.

[273] So you cut just below the bones here and then do like this.

[274] And then you rip the, you know, skin and muscle and fat.

[275] And then you use the bone saw to cut the rip cage.

[276] You take that off.

[277] Sorry, am I being too graphic for it?

[278] Not a idea.

[279] Did anyone, did anyone stop you?

[280] No one stopped you.

[281] going.

[282] No one said anything.

[283] I was salivating when I was just to do that.

[284] And then the way I was taught how to do it and some people do it differently, they take one organ at a time.

[285] What you do is take something called the organ block, which basically you take everything from the tongue all the way to the anus in just one big, you know, and put it in like a tray.

[286] And then you work your way through each organ.

[287] Wait, from the tongue all the way down to the anus is connected.

[288] Yeah.

[289] You just pull it out all in one piece?

[290] Yeah, with everything together.

[291] Yeah, it's all connected.

[292] How long connected to the body other than at the bottom and the top?

[293] Well, no, there's all kinds of, I'm sure.

[294] No, no, there's connective tissue.

[295] Yeah, connective tissue.

[296] Excuse me. I'm not a elected coroner yet.

[297] Yaman, did I use the right word, mesentary?

[298] I love that.

[299] See?

[300] Yeah.

[301] You see, Matt?

[302] I'm not aware of, yeah, like, you know, people in the non -medical field who know this word.

[303] I'll use mesentery all the time.

[304] I often want to go to a restaurant, say, an extra mesentary in there, please.

[305] Could I, so wait a minute, can I ask you a quick question?

[306] Yes.

[307] Yaman, how long could I live?

[308] If you ripped out of my body, nothing was wrong with me, but you quickly cut me and rip my tongue from my anus out and put me on a table.

[309] How long would that part of me live, tongue to anus?

[310] Would I be able to say things like, I'm still here, Yamon?

[311] Just like the tongue moving.

[312] I still moving.

[313] The tongue is still moving outside of his body.

[314] He's going, I'm here, Yamon!

[315] Yamon, it hurts more than you would think.

[316] Do you think I would be able to, I think I would last a couple of hours.

[317] That's the kind of yearpower.

[318] Hours?

[319] Yeah, I would do a podcast.

[320] Welcome to your husband.

[321] In this episode, it is just tongue to anus Conan.

[322] Oh, no. There's no brain, though, right?

[323] Like, the brain is in the body.

[324] Trust me, you don't need a brain to do this.

[325] Oh, suit to nuts, tooth to butts.

[326] It's cut it.

[327] Ah!

[328] You have a question for me because I want to, you've, you've just changed my life dramatically.

[329] How can I help you?

[330] I was just, as a pathologist who does autopsies, I was wondering if you were on the other end, you know, in many years when you depart this world, would you be willing to donate your chiseled Adonis body to science?

[331] You know, so a medical student can learn from the perfect male specimen.

[332] You're talking to me?

[333] Nice try.

[334] I'm talking to David.

[335] Thank you.

[336] Thank you.

[337] Yamon.

[338] Are you going to be like posthumously self -actious, self -conscious, self -conscious about your body?

[339] Oh, about my body?

[340] Yeah.

[341] I think I will.

[342] I think I'm still going to have body shame even after death.

[343] So I'm going to be, I'm going to be have it in my will that people can do an autopsy and donate the organs, but I want to be wearing pants the whole time.

[344] Long pants.

[345] and black shoes.

[346] That's going to be a codicel.

[347] There's another word for you.

[348] A codicel to my will.

[349] I'll put a codicel in your mesentary any day.

[350] Yaman, I'm fascinated by this conversation.

[351] You seem like a very funny, nice, intelligent name.

[352] Where are you from originally, Yaman?

[353] I'm originally from Syria, so I moved to the States in 2010.

[354] Actually, in a few days, it will be my 11 -year anniversary.

[355] Oh, how do you like it here?

[356] I love it, yeah.

[357] I moved from, I went to medical school there.

[358] I did all my training in different parts of the country and now I am working in Dallas.

[359] Right.

[360] I love it.

[361] Yeah, it's been great.

[362] Terrific.

[363] Well, welcome to America.

[364] Thank you.

[365] Thank you.

[366] I honestly think what makes our country great is people like you coming over and adding intelligence and wit and humor to our country.

[367] So thanks for being here.

[368] Oh, thank you so much.

[369] And I hope that you do my autopsy, but when you're very, very old, you know.

[370] I hope you do my autopsy when you're 130.

[371] Yes.

[372] And I hope you're the one that realizes that I was murdered.

[373] Yes.

[374] And I'll be listening to the last podcast episode.

[375] The last ever one.

[376] Yeah, yeah, when Sona hands me a glass of something that tastes suspiciously bitter and like almonds.

[377] And I go, Sona, this tastes weird.

[378] Just drink it down.

[379] And then you get to do the autopsy.

[380] All right.

[381] Yaman, thank you very much.

[382] No, thank you so much.

[383] I hope our paths don't cross too soon.

[384] Yeah.

[385] Well, good luck with the coroner's run.

[386] And yeah, thank you so much, guys.

[387] Thanks, Matt.

[388] I'll see you at the convention.

[389] Bye, bye, bye.

[390] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[391] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[392] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[393] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[394] Music by Jimmy Vivino.

[395] Supervising producer Aaron Blair.

[396] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Bechton.

[397] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[398] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.