Connie Britton

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] Read all about it.

[2] She's right across from me. Monica Padman.

[3] She's a bad man in her pink top and her undershirt is black.

[4] It's brown.

[5] It's brown.

[6] Can't tell from where I'm sitting.

[7] I, Professor Padman.

[8] Hi.

[9] How you doing?

[10] Maybe one day.

[11] Oh.

[12] Maybe that's my second life.

[13] As a professi.

[14] Yeah, that'd be fun.

[15] Good luck to those boys.

[16] That's true.

[17] They'd be all a titter in that class.

[18] I'm coming after them.

[19] Oh, my God.

[20] This is going to be symbiotic.

[21] Speaking of symbiosis, a friend of ours is here.

[22] Connie Britton.

[23] So fun.

[24] Favorite actress on my favorite TV show.

[25] Geez.

[26] Best show ever.

[27] Best show ever, Friday Night Lights.

[28] Coach T. and Tammy.

[29] Connie Britton is an actor.

[30] She's a singer and a producer.

[31] She was in another favorite of ours, The White Lotus.

[32] Oh, my.

[33] God.

[34] So good.

[35] Nashville, Dirty John, Friday Night Lights, American Horror Story.

[36] She has a new show available right this second on the Roku channel called Mamas.

[37] Mamas follows powerful matriarchs of the animal kingdom, spotlighting the universality of motherhood.

[38] I watched several of these and I loved them and I couldn't wait to show them to my daughters.

[39] They're so good.

[40] Yeah, it's about moms and the wild.

[41] My favorite kinds of moms, wild moms.

[42] Please enjoy Connie Britton.

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[45] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[46] He's an object, expert.

[47] How are you?

[48] I'm so good.

[49] I feel like this is a very long time coming.

[50] A very long time coming.

[51] I have that purse.

[52] I mean, mine's not nearly as cool because it doesn't have the flowers.

[53] So, have you ever heard of Gracie wallpaper?

[54] No, but I need to.

[55] Okay, so you've seen it before because it's literally hand -painted, like beautiful things like this.

[56] Full walls, and it's so gorgeous.

[57] And it's a family, the Gracie family.

[58] The Jiu -Jitsu family?

[59] No. Yeah, no. They're also the gracy.

[60] Can you imagine when they're into wallpaper?

[61] Oh, wait.

[62] I mean, maybe.

[63] Maybe samezies.

[64] But it's been passed down through generations and generations.

[65] since the 1800s.

[66] And now there's a great granddaughter, Jen Gracie, who still does all the things.

[67] I'm getting some Gracie wallpaper from my house, which I'm super excited about.

[68] Oh, my God, cool.

[69] And she's been so nice to me, and she came to my house, and I happened to notice she had a Goyard bag that she had painted.

[70] How can I get that?

[71] And she's like, they're impossible.

[72] You can't do it anymore because we can't get them out of China, but I have one coming from China, and she came to me. That's incredible, so limited edition.

[73] So limited.

[74] That's my dream.

[75] That's my dream.

[76] Can I get you anything to drink?

[77] Do you want a coffee or a water or a Diet Coke?

[78] I definitely would love a water.

[79] Why is it called Liquid Death and it's water?

[80] Is that funny?

[81] That's a joke.

[82] It murders or thirst.

[83] That's right.

[84] Also, your shoes, I just got some Gucci loafers.

[85] They have the back on them, but they're also white.

[86] Really?

[87] Got them this weekend.

[88] We match.

[89] You guys should go shopping together.

[90] We're so on brand.

[91] Yep, that's right.

[92] And that's important.

[93] I feel so girly talking about things like that.

[94] But yet, I love Gucci Lovers.

[95] Yes.

[96] They're made so well.

[97] I have a similar addiction, but it's for Jordan.

[98] So I totally understand the emotional attachment to the thing.

[99] I just got my first pair of Jordans.

[100] You did?

[101] Yes.

[102] What color are they?

[103] They're Lakers ones.

[104] Oh, font, purple, and yellow.

[105] I actually got them in New York City.

[106] Okay.

[107] And I felt real spash because they just come out.

[108] And you can't even get them.

[109] them in LA which is weird now wow do you know what iteration they are like are they ones two three is four this is a four okay that's a four that's cute I'm weirdly wearing my cartoon shoes today because I don't know if I'm getting a bunyan Connie oh great it's possible wait hold on let me put this on yeah that's better yeah say bunyan I want to just sound extra gross to you say it again it's possible I'm getting a bunyan oh god it really resonates so what's happening because I know you're curious please don't take off the song It's been hurting here.

[110] That's the area of a bunion, right?

[111] Yeah, it's the old age, you see.

[112] Mm -hmm.

[113] My feet are so fucked up.

[114] Let's take a gander.

[115] Well, okay.

[116] Oh, they're beautiful.

[117] Oh, those are elegant feet.

[118] Thank you.

[119] Do you know what?

[120] I could have been a foot model.

[121] Absolutely.

[122] I tell everybody all the time, because they always comment on it.

[123] It's so obvious.

[124] And my aunt used to say all the time, oh, honey, you could be a foot model.

[125] I'm like, yes, really?

[126] But then I've broken both of my feet.

[127] So you see.

[128] Oh.

[129] which could turn into a bunyan.

[130] I would take my sock off for you, but you would throw up.

[131] He's done it.

[132] He did it for Gwyneth Paltrow.

[133] Oh, okay.

[134] Well, I guess if Gwyneth Paltrow were here, you would take off your socks.

[135] Yeah, do you want her sloppy seconds on this foot?

[136] No, never mind, I don't.

[137] This is a cautionary tale to you, because your feet are beautiful and you know it, which is great.

[138] I used to have the most elegant feet you've ever seen in your life.

[139] Oh, really good God, the most elegant?

[140] Truly, I was out bragging about how beautiful my feet were.

[141] But again, I don't love a lot of the other stuff.

[142] So when I find something I love, I'm going to shout it from the rooftops as I did.

[143] I'm going to show you what happened.

[144] This is crazy.

[145] Okay.

[146] Here's my number.

[147] Call me maybe.

[148] Am I going to cry?

[149] So I have arthritis.

[150] One of the knuckles locked.

[151] And then I went in there and the guy said, can you unlock that?

[152] He said, no problem.

[153] I'll just cut this and that.

[154] Then he took an x -ray in my foot.

[155] He said, you know what?

[156] I don't like the arc of this.

[157] This toes out too far.

[158] Okay.

[159] I'm not a podiatrist.

[160] What do I know?

[161] But I do have exquisite feet.

[162] And I wasn't even nervous.

[163] That's how arrogant I was.

[164] Oh, no. Look at this.

[165] Oh, no. Yeah.

[166] Take this, Gwyneth.

[167] His sock is off, Gwyneth.

[168] Oh, my God.

[169] That's how it was.

[170] And now look at that one had to cr right because there's no fucking support there.

[171] It's now that it's up in the middle.

[172] We can you believe what you're seeing?

[173] Listeners, this is not pretty.

[174] Look at that Frankenstein foot.

[175] Oh, my God.

[176] That's so sad.

[177] Is that arthritis?

[178] I don't mean to say sad.

[179] Thank God I got married.

[180] before I had this foot, right?

[181] Thank God, I'm so happy.

[182] I'm so happy you guys did that.

[183] Your reaction was superior to Guinez.

[184] I'm just gonna say, yeah.

[185] Oh, thank you, thank you.

[186] You have to be honest.

[187] I just really wanted to be honest about it.

[188] Of course, that's all I want from you.

[189] I know.

[190] We both know what this foot looks like, like someone hit it with a fucking anvil or something.

[191] And I feel closer to you because we've now shared feet.

[192] And some insecurities.

[193] And some insecurities right off the bat.

[194] You're next.

[195] I haven't heard your insecurity, but we'll get to it.

[196] Well, it's just.

[197] What does it mean that I've broken both of my feet?

[198] How did you break both your feet?

[199] Well, the first time I was walking down cobblestone streets in New York City wearing platform shoes and I just fell right off.

[200] And then that's how I broke this one, the one that's sticking out now on the side.

[201] And then this one I broke, do you remember the movie with Hillary Swank called Million Dollar Baby?

[202] Obviously.

[203] Right?

[204] Okay.

[205] That movie was written by somebody that I had already worked with and he was in the process of writing it.

[206] And they were like, you would be perfect for this.

[207] Do you box?

[208] Not yet.

[209] Uh -huh.

[210] And so I started boxing training, and I was jumping rope.

[211] My boxing trainer was so impressed.

[212] He just kept giving me heavier and heavier ropes to try.

[213] Because he's like, you're a good rope jumper.

[214] Yeah.

[215] And I could also be a foot model.

[216] And I keep jumping ropes, and I fell and I broke my other foot.

[217] So wait, one of these heavy ropes caught your right foot.

[218] No, no, it didn't catch my right foot.

[219] You just went down.

[220] I went too heavy.

[221] Was it late in the workout?

[222] Were you fatigued?

[223] Shut up.

[224] I'm just, I want all the contextual clues so I can.

[225] Honestly, I've blocked most of the details out.

[226] This actually was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about.

[227] In New York City, you were an aerobics instructor.

[228] Yes, I was.

[229] We're going to earmark that because I want to touch down on that.

[230] Okay.

[231] Okay.

[232] I think it would be fun as like how we know one another.

[233] Yes.

[234] And I bet our memories differ.

[235] What's your memory?

[236] Travel town.

[237] Travel town.

[238] The little train park You think that's the first time we met?

[239] I don't know, that's my most profound memory Because you and I were both in shows That Jason Cadams created Right, and so did we just say hi to each other?

[240] Maybe at some events, we said hi, but I saw you at Travel Town I remember that And I zoomed in, and then I engaged I was taking my daughter when she was like one and two And your little boy was probably three Yeah.

[241] Yeah, how old is he now?

[242] He's 11.

[243] Okay, and Lincoln's 9, so yeah.

[244] Okay, I definitely remember that And now that you reminded me. Okay.

[245] But do you remember?

[246] I remember that we did a movie together.

[247] Okay, so here's what's tricky.

[248] We didn't have any scenes together.

[249] We had no scenes together.

[250] Maybe we were in Toronto together.

[251] Oh, I know what it is.

[252] Oh, ding, ding, ding.

[253] It's, this is where I leave you.

[254] Good job.

[255] Thank you.

[256] It's not an easy title to remember.

[257] Although I loved the filming of that movie.

[258] I loved the book that that movie is based on.

[259] It was all such a delightful experience.

[260] Yes, totally.

[261] Especially not working with you.

[262] I would imagine.

[263] You probably only worked a couple days, right?

[264] I worked more than a couple days, but yes, the movie was very compartmentalized.

[265] You were Adam's therapist.

[266] I was his girlfriend, so I was in all the family stuff.

[267] But I worked not very much on the movie.

[268] It was just a few fun days.

[269] I remember being in Toronto with you and being on a panel with you and being like, Dad says, fuck, I'm funny.

[270] Like in a resentful way?

[271] Yeah, kind of.

[272] I was like, why is it being funnier than me?

[273] I got to be honest with you, I was there for two things.

[274] things, right?

[275] So I was there for, this is where I leave you, and this movie, The Judge.

[276] And the judge was Robert Duval, Billy Bob Thornton, Robert Donnie Jr. I'm trying to thread this needle where I'm clearly the least important person here.

[277] You come for the Duval and the downy of it all.

[278] Right.

[279] Oh, Billy Bob's here.

[280] Now, here's the issue.

[281] I'm pretty good on those panels.

[282] So I want the panel to be good.

[283] I'd even argue that the director wants me to make it lively.

[284] Right.

[285] So I got to really watch my throttle because I could end up steamrolling over these legends.

[286] That must be so hard.

[287] What a struggle for you.

[288] God, it must be so hard for you not to steamroll over legends.

[289] What a life.

[290] I came here today for one purpose, and that is put you in your play.

[291] Hold on.

[292] I'm being sincere.

[293] I walk away from those things often, and I go, I shouldn't have been talking that much.

[294] I'm not Duval.

[295] I had a disproportionate amount of time, and then I feel guilty and like an egomaniac.

[296] But were you entertaining?

[297] Yes, you were.

[298] Again, I'm good at those things, at panels and stuff.

[299] Well, yeah, you're funny.

[300] You like to talk.

[301] You like to ask questions.

[302] You just ran out of everything you know about me. Okay, so yes, we were all there for that.

[303] But I'm going to add, so we were there for this is where I'll leave you.

[304] One of the better casts I've ever been in my life, and it just went to end.

[305] There were 20 of us there.

[306] A lot of talkers.

[307] A lot of comedians.

[308] A lot of comedians.

[309] A lot of talkers.

[310] Because I would argue that maybe on your other panel, maybe a little bit of a quieter group.

[311] Yeah, for sure.

[312] Maybe not Robert Denny Jr. actually.

[313] Listen, I think entertaining is entertaining.

[314] And frankly, when we were on that pound together, I was like, I want to watch him and everything.

[315] He's funny.

[316] Okay, so there was resentment, but then there was also some intrigue.

[317] Right.

[318] Much like most things, jealousy.

[319] Yes.

[320] But I entered any time I met you coming from a much different place than you would have been coming from.

[321] Because I was a super fan of Friday Night Lights, and I'm a super fan of Tammy Taylor.

[322] one of the best characters ever written wow thank you guys it's not to flatter you it's the truth yeah enormous fans so anytime i would have seen you that would have been in my head whereas i can't imagine you were devouring anything i had been in well not yet because she hadn't done the panel after the panel i devoured everything we should define our friendship in two different phases pre -panel and post panel i thought you're going to say pre -jet and post -jet because that's the other thing we haven't even touched upon for our studio audience.

[323] That's right.

[324] So we have a mutual friend, Jedediah Jenkins, and I have great curiosity about how you came to know Jedediah.

[325] I met Jedd at the White House Correspondence dinner.

[326] Naturally.

[327] I was doing Nashville, and I went to the White House Correspondence dinner, and he was Sophia Bush's date.

[328] There we go.

[329] And they came and found me, And I found them to be delightful, but was especially intrigued because he quickly let me know that he could introduce me to Samantha Power.

[330] He started horse trading with you.

[331] Exactly.

[332] U .S. ambassador to the U .N. and I was like, you're cool.

[333] Let's hang out at the Vanity Fair party.

[334] And then, of course, it was Jed, who's the biggest delight on the planet.

[335] Inordinate amount of magic.

[336] So I would have imagined Nashville because, of course, you know, he grew up in Nashville.

[337] Have you ever met Huey?

[338] Hewie, if you're listening, she almost died.

[339] At the thought of you, because I was drinking liquid death.

[340] Murder!

[341] And it gagged me. You got to watch out.

[342] And this is a commercial.

[343] It's water that murders your thirst.

[344] And your family.

[345] And your family.

[346] You know Huey.

[347] I know Huey.

[348] We hung out one time.

[349] Oh, like a dinner.

[350] Maybe Jed was in town.

[351] Well, I think it came over to my house while I was still living there.

[352] Okay, perfect.

[353] He's so fantastic.

[354] Hold on.

[355] We're getting so far ahead of ourselves.

[356] Okay, we have to describe Jed first before we describe Huey.

[357] Yes.

[358] He just has a very high dosage of magic.

[359] Famously, it's always a great icebreaker for Jedediah.

[360] His father was what inspired Forrest Gump.

[361] In that, his father walked across America in the 70s and was on the cover of Time magazine.

[362] I had no idea.

[363] You didn't know that about it?

[364] I did not know that.

[365] I didn't know his father inspired Forrest Gump.

[366] Well, now I'm scared.

[367] This is what I know about.

[368] Actually, why don't I text him now?

[369] Yeah, text him and ask him.

[370] But that might be true.

[371] Sometimes I don't listen.

[372] Sure.

[373] But anyways, very, very smart.

[374] I would say one of my favorite thinkers, always willing to take a stab at every single facet of a thing.

[375] He's wonderful.

[376] We're going to call him.

[377] Are we going to call him?

[378] Yeah, we're going to call him.

[379] Make sure that you keep six feet away, not for COVID, just for bad vibes.

[380] Okay, great.

[381] Did you tell him that you're with me?

[382] Yeah.

[383] You're on the podcast right now.

[384] And I just told them everyone in America who would listen.

[385] Now, I'm going to have been played Lucy Goosey with Inspired, but Forrest Gump.

[386] Is it true?

[387] Why did you never tell me that?

[388] Me either.

[389] It's not the whole movie.

[390] Because remember, that movie is basically capturing all of the 70s through the lens of this one life.

[391] And so that big thing, which was my dad walking across America and that Gio, whatever, they just put it in the movie as him running across.

[392] And he looks just like my dad in that scene.

[393] Wow.

[394] And your dad almost peed his pants at the White House because he drank too many Dr. Peppers.

[395] Annie Roonda Black Panther Party Yeah Oh wow Keep that one close to the chest Oh my God I didn't know any of this Jed You should really lead with that story He did with me Not with me Maybe he doesn't tell women We were singing your praises But now we know Well you gotta speak to women In a different way Yeah you really got to make it simple And Forrest comes a complicated story That is true Twist and turns Is he brilliant?

[396] Is he not?

[397] Wow All right, Jed, we love you.

[398] Thanks, Jed.

[399] Okay, love you as you were.

[400] Give my love to Adele.

[401] Bye.

[402] Now, here's a sincere question.

[403] Yes.

[404] This is dangerous.

[405] Am I being replaced by Adele?

[406] Yeah, I give him infinite amounts of shit about that.

[407] I understand.

[408] Is there anyone above Adele?

[409] Could be Beyonce.

[410] I don't know.

[411] Adele globally.

[412] The thing is, I wish he would help get her on this podcast.

[413] Honestly, that's the thing.

[414] If he would just utilize these friendships to our advantage.

[415] He's like horse trading Samantha Powers and shit.

[416] I did take advantage of that one.

[417] You did.

[418] I did because he introduced me to her.

[419] Now I'm friends with her.

[420] Oh, wonderful.

[421] We interviewed her.

[422] Kristen and I did, we did a little 10 episode female podcast.

[423] Yeah.

[424] We got to talk to her and she's just very cool.

[425] She's so cool.

[426] She's so brilliant.

[427] She's a great one.

[428] Intimidatingly so.

[429] Every time I hear her name, I confuse her.

[430] for the woman who was very popular in the 90s.

[431] Stephanie Powers.

[432] Is that it?

[433] From heart to heart.

[434] No, I'm talking to the financial consultant.

[435] She had white hair that was super short, and she'd make speeches to get your finances in control.

[436] She was huge.

[437] I want to say her name was Samantha Power.

[438] Are you talking about the lady, true crime?

[439] No, no, no, no. Nancy Pelosi?

[440] Nope.

[441] I interviewed Nancy Pelosi last Monday.

[442] You did not.

[443] Yes, I did.

[444] How did that go?

[445] So great.

[446] What was it for?

[447] It was for this global citizen event in New York, because the global citizen is a great organization that's trying to end poverty and global warming and all the things that are killing us in our humanity.

[448] And I've done a lot of stuff with them, and they're really wonderful.

[449] So I've been shooting in New York a lot, and basically I go into New York and I shoot as condensed amount of time as I can so I can race back here to Yobi, my son, because I have to leave him here because he's in school.

[450] Yes.

[451] And so I go to New York, and it's around the clock just shooting.

[452] and then I get home.

[453] So I wasn't shooting in New York last week.

[454] So I had originally said, I can't go to the Global Citizen Panel event because I'm not in New York.

[455] Right.

[456] But we want you to come interview Nancy Pelosi.

[457] Let me take the last place on Monday and then leave an hour after I interview her.

[458] Politics has become the ugliest of the ugly.

[459] I don't recognize us in it anymore.

[460] When I see somebody like Nancy, and she's in it, she's deep in it, obviously, as in it as you can be.

[461] She's a polarizing, figure.

[462] And she's a polarizing figure because politics is polarizing.

[463] But being able to speak to her face to face, and we were speaking specifically about lifting up and empowering young women around the world and how that would actually help to end poverty around the world.

[464] But you can't have that conversation right now without talking about Roe v. Wade, which is part of the reason why I really felt like it was important to talk to her about it.

[465] Right now, how are you, this woman who's been a leader amongst men and women for most of your life, you tell us, what do we do right now?

[466] What do we do?

[467] So that's why I wanted to do it.

[468] By the way, she did all the talking.

[469] I had like four questions that I sort of got one and a half in, you know, and then she just rifts and goes.

[470] Her wisdom, I found really inspiring.

[471] Worth the trip.

[472] Worth the trip.

[473] That's wonderful.

[474] So that was really cool.

[475] But what were we talking about?

[476] Jed.

[477] Jedd Adaya.

[478] That was our mutual friend.

[479] I asked about you being an aerobics instructor in New York.

[480] Right.

[481] Which has nothing to do with politics.

[482] It has everything to do with politics.

[483] All of our current politics are a response to those aerobics.

[484] You know what?

[485] You're right.

[486] If we had just kept to aerobics in the 80s and 90s.

[487] Simpler times.

[488] Simpler times.

[489] Olivia Newton, John, that whole phase.

[490] You didn't know if she was on the left or the right.

[491] You knew she was dancing right up the middle.

[492] That's right.

[493] Right up the middle with her bandana wrapped around her head.

[494] I literally never taught an aerobics class without a bandana.

[495] Oh, good.

[496] You had one.

[497] Yes, I did.

[498] And the scrunchy socks.

[499] Okay.

[500] Now, also I want to throw out there.

[501] We've got Jedediah.

[502] We've got seen each other at Travel Town.

[503] We've got the having been on shows created by Jason Cadams, both writing out of parenthood.

[504] I also want to touch in on you and Lauren have some weird parallel lives or something, because you're both from Virginia.

[505] We're both from Virginia.

[506] We both played dolly.

[507] and Hello Dolly when we were 16.

[508] We're the exact same age.

[509] Actually, our birthdays are 10 days apart.

[510] Wild.

[511] And we met in New York.

[512] We were taking the same acting class.

[513] This is the Meisner one?

[514] Well, he was a Meisner sort of descended.

[515] His name was Wynhamman.

[516] He actually just passed away.

[517] He was just one of the most amazing, important men of the theater.

[518] He opened a theater in New York City that was, one of the original's progressive off -Broadway theaters called The American Place Theater.

[519] And he taught at Carnegie Hall.

[520] So we would go twice a week to this incredible acting class in Carnegie Hall.

[521] She was in that class, and she and I didn't necessarily bond right out of the gate.

[522] Well, I'll tell you why right now.

[523] I don't even need to ask.

[524] You're both from Virginia.

[525] You're the same age.

[526] You have the same ambition.

[527] You're bringing that Virginia to it.

[528] You don't need a fucking doppelganger in there.

[529] You know what I'm saying?

[530] You've got a lane.

[531] I guess you're right, except you know what?

[532] We're not all competitive like that.

[533] Well, at 20 if you're not competitive, then you might as well retire now.

[534] I was always like, she doesn't like me. And then we got assigned a scene together.

[535] And what's funny, I actually just saw Lauren yesterday.

[536] Where?

[537] At my house, she came over.

[538] Get the fuck out of here.

[539] Yeah, she just came over to my house.

[540] Because my house similarly looks something like yours in that it's been in some state of construction for very long time.

[541] Yeah, how long?

[542] We're on year four.

[543] I'm on year four.

[544] Oh, wonderful.

[545] But I'm almost done.

[546] And so my pool finally was going.

[547] And so I just had a couple friends over.

[548] And you know, she lives right there.

[549] Speaking of beautiful wallpaper, she has great style.

[550] Yes, she has great style.

[551] See, another thing you guys are overlapping.

[552] It's amazing you can be friends.

[553] I'm impressed.

[554] Well, do you know what else?

[555] I got an apartment in New York when I was doing Spin City, which was my name.

[556] my first series regular on a sitcom, Spin City with Michael J. Fox.

[557] So I bought an apartment in New York City in this great building.

[558] I'm not going to tell you what it is.

[559] And then Lauren bought the apartment two doors down from my apartment the next year.

[560] And we always used to make a joke.

[561] We'd talk about the roles that I would play.

[562] And then she's like, and I'm the wacky next door neighbor.

[563] And I come to your door.

[564] And I'm like, knock, knock, knock.

[565] Hey, do you have any sugar?

[566] And then we decided that that's what we were actually living because we now live two doors down from each other.

[567] These are very parallel lives.

[568] It's actually uncanny.

[569] We're sisterly, even though we've had moments in time where we have not seen as much of each other, it's that kind of really deep connection.

[570] Going back to acting class, we were assigned a scene together.

[571] She was like, well, I guess if you want to come over to my apartment this weekend, we can work on it.

[572] I was like, okay.

[573] That's kind of how we were.

[574] Like, she's all like, whatever, making eye contact and I'm like, I'm enthusiastic.

[575] And so I go over there and it's basically a scene where two friends are getting wasted on champagne.

[576] So, of course, we take out champagne and just like, drink all afternoon because we were super method.

[577] And then we became friends.

[578] Oh, my gosh.

[579] Alcohol can really bring people together.

[580] It's been doing it for a centuries.

[581] Okay.

[582] Now, back to Virginia.

[583] Your father is, was a physicist.

[584] Both of my parents have passed away.

[585] My father was a physicist.

[586] Once your father's a physicist, I imagine dating is then hard for the rest of your life.

[587] Oh, that's an interesting connecting point.

[588] You mean because he's just so smart?

[589] The primary male love of your life is a genius.

[590] And so you've limited your pool of options pretty significantly.

[591] Yes, my father was probably the greatest man I ever knew in my life.

[592] But also, when you're a physicist, when you go to MIT when you're 16.

[593] Oh, my God.

[594] Wonderkind?

[595] Literally.

[596] And you're just putting together radios at the youngest age and leave behind everything you know to go to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

[597] He'd grew up in the South and went far north and went straight through and got a PhD at nuclear physicists.

[598] There's a level of commitment to that and cerebral attention to that.

[599] Folks that have that ability spend a lot of time in their own heads.

[600] Yes, yes.

[601] Very intellectual, but also very focused on work.

[602] A little bit of a workaholic.

[603] Sure.

[604] So now you need a genius who has limited time for you.

[605] No, the opposite is I've gone through all my therapy and been, why can't I find an amazing man and partner?

[606] It's a lot about this emotionally unavailable thing, which is a hard thing to come to terms with because my father was so awesome and he was so loving to me and to my sister.

[607] But there was a lack there.

[608] He was also a 60s dad, which is a different expectation for dad in the 60s.

[609] Yeah, exactly.

[610] He's like, I've provided check.

[611] And he was very conventional in that way.

[612] He and my mom both lived inside a cultural norm that felt very conventional and particularly in the South.

[613] When your dad has an important job, and this is like interstellar, right?

[614] When Matthew McConaughey has to go to the moon, I mean, has to go into space, I'm sorry.

[615] There's no time travel required for the moon.

[616] Has to go into space.

[617] The daughter just has to accept that because it is more important than her.

[618] It's a higher calling.

[619] And it's so hard as the daughter or the kid to have to have that acknowledgement.

[620] That thing he's doing might save X, Y, or Z, or might be more important than me objectively.

[621] It's just a bizarre thing to have to hold.

[622] It is.

[623] But it's not comforting, right?

[624] Because my mother, too, had the same thing.

[625] I'm single mother.

[626] She built this incredible business, and we often took a back seat to that.

[627] And understandably so.

[628] She had to support three of us.

[629] And this thing, this business was more important than us because it's what made us.

[630] possible.

[631] Wait, I didn't know you had a single mother.

[632] Yeah.

[633] Oh my God.

[634] Okay.

[635] You know, I'm a single mom.

[636] I would love to hear your perspective on that sometime and it doesn't have to be right the second.

[637] But what your perspective is on the fact that your mother had to split her time from you.

[638] Yeah, yeah.

[639] I imagine you feel like I do, which is I very much like my life.

[640] Yeah.

[641] I love my life.

[642] So whatever weird road it took to get here, I'm fine with.

[643] I too wanted women who were committed to something wholeheartedly.

[644] And I wanted to compete with that.

[645] And I found one.

[646] So I'm married to someone who could easily, if she let herself, think that her pursuit is more important than me. That's right there on the table to happen.

[647] Right.

[648] Right.

[649] So of course I'm attracted to that.

[650] And it's familiar to me. Yeah.

[651] And I've only liked women who are super, super ambitious and industrious and might care about something more than me. Because I ultimately, I'm sure, like your therapy taught you, I want to have this person pick me over everything to make up for my mother not picking me first over everything.

[652] Wow.

[653] Oh, my gosh.

[654] But it fucking worked.

[655] I love who I'm married to.

[656] I love that she's industrious.

[657] I love that my daughters have her as a model.

[658] And over time, we've negotiated all those things.

[659] And that's the thing, because now I actually am in an amazing relationship.

[660] Does he have any kids?

[661] He has two kids.

[662] Oh, he does.

[663] And that's a whole other thing, making that work and understanding the different dynamics.

[664] We're now managing all of those relationships.

[665] But what I keep saying is that's the intimacy.

[666] The intimacy is pulling all those pieces together and finding who you are in partnership with all of the stuff that isn't just the perfection, with all the messiness.

[667] That's actually where I get the most joy.

[668] Those are the things that define you as a person and how you navigate them.

[669] That's where you pick up tools.

[670] You want your kids to have some manageable struggle throughout life.

[671] So they're competent and confident.

[672] and they'll enter the world where they'll find themselves in many complicated situations and they'll have some practice.

[673] Yeah.

[674] I want to talk about you making that decision you adopted.

[675] Yeah.

[676] So I'm doing egg freezing.

[677] I'm about to start that process.

[678] Oh, my gosh.

[679] Congratulations.

[680] Thanks.

[681] And it's tricky because I don't know if I'm ever going to use them.

[682] There's just all these questions that come up.

[683] And every woman has to think about this in some way, shape, or form.

[684] There's a lucky few born without a uterus.

[685] Don't rule them out.

[686] No, but then they have to make the decision, do they want to adopt?

[687] Do they still want to have children?

[688] I know, you're right, you're right, you're right.

[689] It's just something that's unavoidable for women to think about.

[690] And so I want to know what led you there.

[691] Truly, what led me there was that I really became interested in, specifically in Ethiopia.

[692] I had a friend who was spending a lot of time there.

[693] This is in the 2000s during a pretty terrible moment in the AIDS epidemic and a lot of orphans there.

[694] he would come back with these pictures and photograph after photograph of these incredible children who have nothing and they have this vitality to them.

[695] I literally remember looking at that and being like, what is that?

[696] I have to go there and I have to figure out what that is.

[697] And so I did.

[698] And then I just kept going back and I was going to make a documentary at one point about Ethiopian orphans and the specific orphan that was being born to another orphan girl.

[699] Anyway, never finished it.

[700] But my friends used to tease me and they were like, you're going to come back with a baby.

[701] As if, first of all, that's how it works, which guess what, people, it doesn't.

[702] But it did make me think this is something I would love to be able to do.

[703] And I've always wanted to give voice to the voiceless and give support to those in need, and particularly children.

[704] I've spent a lot of my life figuring out the most viable way to be able to do that.

[705] Now more than ever, it just feels so daunting.

[706] It's like, what do you do?

[707] Yeah, everything feels very overwhelming.

[708] I remember even when I first went to Ethiopia and I was going into orphanages.

[709] I came back and I was just really paralyzed by the whole thing.

[710] Yeah, where do you start?

[711] Where do you start?

[712] Quite honestly, my decision to adopt was less about, I'm going to save an orphan because that felt like a drop in the bucket.

[713] And yet I also saw, you can save one life.

[714] But beyond that, I just had a really strong affinity to the people and to the culture and just felt like something I was drawn to do.

[715] And I also thought that I would have biological children in.

[716] partnership with someone.

[717] And as I was getting older, and in fact, I lost both of my parents within three years of each other.

[718] I was like, oh, wow.

[719] It's just me and my sister, my twin sister, and she's on the other side of the country.

[720] And what am I waiting for?

[721] That's a scary feeling.

[722] Yeah.

[723] I would imagine at least.

[724] It's interesting because losing both of my parents, I had this very primal feeling of feeling like an orphan.

[725] Yeah.

[726] Yeah, untethered.

[727] Even when you're an adult and you have a very fortunate life.

[728] Still, there's something very primal about it.

[729] Oh, big time.

[730] So it's pretty life -changing for me. I'm not waiting anymore.

[731] I know I want to adopt from Ethiopia.

[732] I'm going to start the process with that.

[733] And I still kind of thought at that point, well, maybe I'll still be able to have a biological child and end up doing that.

[734] And first of all, adoption is a very tricky process in its own right.

[735] And it's become much more so, which is tragic, that really international adoption is not a great option now.

[736] Most countries have really closed that off.

[737] Which is not a reflection at all on how many orphans there are in the world.

[738] There are still children that are being left on the side of the road.

[739] Parents are dying.

[740] And it's just that there are now limited structures in place for how to care for them.

[741] So it's not that there's any less of a problem, but along with all the other things that are happening in the world, people are becoming very insular in the way that they're thinking about themselves and cultures.

[742] Populous movement throughout the world.

[743] Yeah.

[744] I took two years from beginning to end to actually get a child.

[745] And during the second year of waiting, the adoption numbers went, it was 50 a day to like five a day.

[746] At any moment, I thought that they were going to just shut it down entirely.

[747] But it worked out, and I feel really fortunate because you can't really do that anymore.

[748] At that time, it never even occurred to me that it would be considered unusual to be a white, adoptive mother of a child of color.

[749] And what's happening in the world right now, I'm feeling more and more like an anomaly.

[750] I never even used to think about it.

[751] Versus 11 years ago.

[752] During versus 11 years ago, perspectives have changed in so many different directions.

[753] To go back to your question, I do think it's such an important thing for us to think about as women, even if the thinking is, guess what, I don't really want to have a kid.

[754] Right.

[755] Frankly, being a single mom is not easy.

[756] Yeah.

[757] And it was my choice, but it wouldn't necessarily have been my dream.

[758] Exactly.

[759] Yes.

[760] You know?

[761] Yes.

[762] Obviously, I'm not in a position to necessarily do it like y 'all are, but I was definitely like, well, if this thing doesn't work out with Kristen, I'm definitely going to get a child and raise a child by myself.

[763] I'm not leaving planet Earth without being a dad.

[764] Wow.

[765] So I even was like, I'm going to have to figure out whether I get a surrogate or what happens, but I definitely won't leave this planet not having experienced that.

[766] That's interesting.

[767] I think that's kind of unusual for a man. Probably.

[768] I had a little sister who is six and a half years younger than me, and I very much cared for her, and I wasn't afraid to do it.

[769] Yeah, I don't know why.

[770] I just always was like, well, I definitely am going to do that.

[771] What could be cooler?

[772] Yeah, oh, my God, that's amazing.

[773] Because you're a great dad.

[774] I'm really aiming to be.

[775] Yeah.

[776] I know.

[777] I love that.

[778] I really love a great dad.

[779] Yeah.

[780] I'm really into it.

[781] Great dads are great.

[782] We love great dads.

[783] You know, it's because we're so rare.

[784] I know.

[785] My boyfriend is a great dad.

[786] Oh, that's nice.

[787] It's so attractive.

[788] It's the best.

[789] I will say.

[790] It's very tricky, though, because I can't delineate between all these different variables in an equation.

[791] But certainly when I would have Lincoln on my chest when she was eight months old and she was still in the Bjorn and I'd go to Home Depot.

[792] Definitely women were like, oh, safe to talk to.

[793] And then it was almost informative of, oh, women want to talk to men, but so many of us are dangerous that they don't, but they'd like to.

[794] Women are just coming up to you and chatting with you.

[795] Wow, is it the safety?

[796] Is it that I'm more attractive because I have this baby on my chest?

[797] I don't think it's because I'm on TV this situation.

[798] There's a lot to weed through.

[799] But it's very intriguing.

[800] Five -axed with women willing to just come talk to me. Yeah.

[801] It makes you so approachable and so accessible.

[802] I don't ever like to generalize about, oh, because women are so nurturing, whatever.

[803] Because some women aren't.

[804] I have many women friends who are not interested in being parents.

[805] And they're going to hell.

[806] Just so you know, they will burn in hell.

[807] Bad women.

[808] I do think that for women who are.

[809] drawn to the maternal thing or whatever, and then they see a man who is embracing that.

[810] It's a maid selection thing.

[811] It's, oh, they're committed.

[812] Yeah, but also it's there's a connector there that maybe wouldn't be there if you didn't have that baby in your chest.

[813] You know, I think it's sweet.

[814] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[815] We've all been there.

[816] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[817] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[818] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[819] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[820] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[821] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[822] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[823] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[824] What's up, guys?

[825] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[826] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[827] Every episode, I bring on a first.

[828] friend and have a real conversation.

[829] And I don't mean just friends.

[830] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[831] The list goes on.

[832] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[833] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[834] Okay.

[835] I have a mystery.

[836] I like to thin slice people.

[837] I'm wrong a lot.

[838] But I'm right sometimes.

[839] There is something unique when I was reading about you that I was like, huh, curious.

[840] Because you're a bombshell.

[841] Or you're a total bombshell.

[842] Objectively.

[843] Objectively.

[844] a fucking bomb shop.

[845] Tammy had me on the run.

[846] What I can't make sense of is you going to high school and then going to Dartmouth and then majoring in Asian studies and then deciding, you know what, I'm going to learn to speak Chinese and then going to Beijing to learn Chinese.

[847] Yeah.

[848] That's incongruous with the bombshell I know of you.

[849] So it makes me really curious who you were in high school.

[850] If you had to put yourself on the strata of Beverly Hills and I don't know.

[851] I started this by saying it was a bomb shell.

[852] Oh, you are.

[853] You're a fucking hardthroat.

[854] I love that.

[855] My nuclear physicist dad and my sweet mom, who, as she used to say, did not work outside the home.

[856] That in combination was sort of like the conventional Virginia thing, which is much more demure as opposed to bombshell.

[857] You don't want to be too up it and call yourself a bombshell.

[858] You would never.

[859] And there were the girls who did, but you know, they were those kind of girls.

[860] You don't see them in church on Sunday.

[861] No, you don't or you do, but you know what they were doing the night before.

[862] You have this sort of beauty pageant, but my parents were way too intelligent.

[863] No offense to beauty pageant people.

[864] Right.

[865] Although, a little offense.

[866] teeny weeny, tiny.

[867] There's some shade you can throw.

[868] The value in my upbringing was not on bombshellism.

[869] Sure.

[870] Bumshelery.

[871] Bombshellery.

[872] I have so many actress friends, and they grew up with models on the wall of their bedrooms and all that stuff.

[873] And that was just not...

[874] You had Oppenheimer.

[875] It's a sexy poster of Oppenheimer.

[876] Oh, my God.

[877] What a baby.

[878] Wait, I guess.

[879] You guys, you know who my first fartthrob was?

[880] John Denver.

[881] Yes.

[882] That tells us everything we need to know.

[883] I get so much shit from my friends.

[884] And I'm like, I don't understand that.

[885] Listen to Annie's song one time.

[886] Sure.

[887] Listen to him and Miss Piggy and Kermit sang on a long.

[888] I mean, and he was pure as the driven goddamn snow.

[889] You was.

[890] Blonde tow head.

[891] Very safe.

[892] Very G. Oh, but I used to fantasize about John Denver.

[893] Oh, my God.

[894] What was he going to do with you?

[895] I don't know.

[896] Sing to you?

[897] We'd play hide and seek at my neighbor's house and I would be hiding underneath the stairs and the dark closet just dreaming about John Denver singing Annie's song to me and doing all kinds of things.

[898] that I didn't even know what they were yet.

[899] Oh, I love this.

[900] Oh, I heard John Denver knew how to play more than just the guitar.

[901] That's right.

[902] I didn't even know what that meant at the time, but I was feeling it.

[903] But you knew.

[904] Your body knew.

[905] That's right.

[906] That's in lockstep with the Chinese major.

[907] So here's the thing.

[908] I did acting in high school, and it was my joy, my joy, my joy, my joy, my joy.

[909] But I have to say, I'm so grateful for this to this day.

[910] Merrill Streep was my idol.

[911] I was much more interested in that kind of action.

[912] actress that could just completely transform herself.

[913] Yeah, then Alana Turner.

[914] I just didn't relate to it.

[915] Truly, I didn't relate to that.

[916] But can I stab at that for one second?

[917] If I were your therapist, which I hope to be after this.

[918] Oh, great.

[919] I can't wait.

[920] If I were you and I secretly wanted to pursue this very useless endeavor of acting, it's not intellectual, it's not esteemed, it's almost silly.

[921] If I were going to commit to it, I'd want to show my.

[922] father, I'm not doing this to be a celebrity or to get attention.

[923] I'm doing this to be a master.

[924] But also, I never saw it as silly.

[925] You didn't mind telling your parents.

[926] No, my parents thought it was the greatest thing.

[927] My parents both played music.

[928] They both loved music.

[929] My mother had taught music before she became a stay -at -home mom.

[930] So wait, kids would come to your house to play piano or something?

[931] No, but she would teach at school.

[932] And they had a really great appreciation for the arts.

[933] Maybe we could call it the arts.

[934] Okay.

[935] And I mean, I mean, there was literally never a bigger moment of pride in my mother's entire life than when I walked down the high school student built stairs on the set of Hello Dolly for my curtain call.

[936] And my mother used to describe it.

[937] She's like, and the entire audience around to their feet, you know, and my mother bawling crying, you know what I mean?

[938] And bless her heart, she died actually before Friday Night Lights.

[939] Oh, she did?

[940] But my dad didn't.

[941] Oh, he got to see Tammy Taylor.

[942] He did, and he came down to Texas and visited us and got to meet everybody, because he was from the South.

[943] My dad was Southern, and he loved that so much.

[944] And I think you're right.

[945] They saw me a little bit like, well, we don't know where she comes from, but look at this.

[946] And they were just so proud about it.

[947] Monica's father is from India, came when he was 23.

[948] Really?

[949] And he's at these cheer competitions.

[950] She won the state cheerleading competition.

[951] You did?

[952] And he's in the audience, and he knows the whole routine.

[953] And he doesn't know what cheerleading is.

[954] Yeah.

[955] And his daughter is a standout cheerleading.

[956] Like, what a ride.

[957] By the way, that's true love, I think.

[958] Like, we're going back to being a good dad or a good parent.

[959] If you can have that deep desire for your kid to find their light, whatever that fucking looks like.

[960] One funny thing, though, is I interviewed him?

[961] And I said, when your daughter said, I'm going to go be a cheerleader, were you like, what is that?

[962] And he goes, I didn't think she'd be good enough to make the team.

[963] So I wasn't even worried.

[964] I don't even need his main time thinking about this because she's not going to make the team.

[965] All of it.

[966] He also thought.

[967] that about me coming out here is like, well, she'll just be a lawyer at some point.

[968] She'll decide this is not going to work out.

[969] No, no, no. But I mean, I'm like you.

[970] I have an incredible father.

[971] I can't find a person that's better than him.

[972] So it's a hard bar.

[973] And then when you said when your parents both died, it just made me think, yeah, that's the only source of unconditional love you're given in your life is your parents and then your children.

[974] So I'm not surprised that once that left you, you were like, I need that again.

[975] Yes, exactly.

[976] It's scary to be on planet Earth without a source of permanent love.

[977] And a family system.

[978] Yeah.

[979] And that's interesting what you say about unconditional love because now it's the other direction, because now it's from Yobi.

[980] But he...

[981] Their love is very conditional.

[982] Yes.

[983] He can love me so much that he treats me like shit.

[984] Yes.

[985] Like, he treats me like he would treat nobody else.

[986] I would call there's endearing love and ours unconditional.

[987] Yeah.

[988] Yeah, the parent down is the unconditional love, but that's what you miss when that goes away.

[989] And ironically, not that this whole episode is a sales pitch to have kids, but giving unconditional love feels even better than receiving unconditional love.

[990] Yes.

[991] Giving it is I'm a better person than I ever thought I could be.

[992] Yeah.

[993] Nothing will take me off the task of loving these kids.

[994] Nothing can do it.

[995] And I'm like, I didn't know I was capable of that.

[996] But when love is real like that, it's just always going to lift you up.

[997] It's going to lift the other person up, but it's going to lift you up when it's real and unconditional like that.

[998] That is amazing.

[999] That's the only reason to be here on planet Earth.

[1000] I know.

[1001] It's so special.

[1002] I know.

[1003] It's really true.

[1004] Okay.

[1005] We finally arrived at aerobics instructing.

[1006] Oh, I don't believe now that I know that you were a cheerleader.

[1007] Were you a cheerleader?

[1008] No. I was not.

[1009] Actually, that's not true.

[1010] I went to a girls' school in middle school and they had a basketball team and I was a cheerleader for one basketball season of a girls' basketball season of a girls' basketball.

[1011] team.

[1012] I was not even very good at that.

[1013] You didn't have enough practice.

[1014] You could have been great.

[1015] No. We'll get you there.

[1016] Monica, we'll get you there.

[1017] When I'm your therapist and she's your coach, you won't imagine the world that's going to unfold before your eyes.

[1018] Oh, my God.

[1019] Okay, we actually, we didn't wrap one thing up.

[1020] Why Chinese?

[1021] Why go to Beijing?

[1022] Oh, okay.

[1023] Because I went to Dartmouth, which I was so excited about.

[1024] I thought it was so cool that you could go to this school.

[1025] They have this quarter system so you can take all these, off terms that are really built into the system.

[1026] So you can take a term and go study in China or a term and go work in New York.

[1027] And I did that one year, which is part of what led me to pursue acting as I ended up being an intern on an off -broadway play in New York one term.

[1028] I was so excited.

[1029] I came from a public school in a small town in Virginia and I had to fulfill a language requirement.

[1030] And I just was like, what's the craziest one?

[1031] Yeah, what's the very hardest?

[1032] Yeah.

[1033] What's impossible?

[1034] That's just stupidity.

[1035] on my part, because first of all, the reason I had to fulfill a language requirement is because I wasn't very good at language.

[1036] Me either.

[1037] So maybe I should have taken that into account, but luckily, because somehow it was drilled into my head, you can do it, you can do anything.

[1038] I'm going to do Chinese, and then I'm going to go study in China.

[1039] Do you learn Mandarin or Cantonese or you have to pick?

[1040] Most people speak Mandarin?

[1041] I think it's pretty split, and they're very different sounding languages.

[1042] This was pretty much, I think, only a Mandarin program, and that's what they speak.

[1043] in Beijing.

[1044] Okay, okay.

[1045] Good to know.

[1046] And you were there still not decommunized yet.

[1047] Oh, yeah.

[1048] I went the summer after my freshman year.

[1049] So 86.

[1050] 86.

[1051] It was still all bicycles.

[1052] Bicycle was the only mode of transportation.

[1053] Most people were still wearing mouse suits.

[1054] It was culture shock.

[1055] It was super culture shock.

[1056] Nobody had fully warned me about it because basically I was a naive girl from Virginia.

[1057] And also, the air was so thick with coal dust from the industry from the industry and just from that was their form of energy yeah wow and so it was big big culture shock and very communist and signs in parks it said no dogs or Chinese allowed no Chinese yeah because in the communist culture they would make nice things they had this thing called the friendship store they was basically all for tourists or people who weren't Chinese people, but if you were communist, you are not allowed to participate in any of that.

[1058] I got you.

[1059] So there were parks for tourists and not for Chinese.

[1060] Right.

[1061] Or foreigners or high -level communists.

[1062] This is like places you can drink in the Middle East that you can only drink if you're tourist.

[1063] Yeah.

[1064] When you go to Russia, you could buy stuff.

[1065] I went there in 95, so maybe six years after it, the wall had come down.

[1066] And even then, there were still shops that were just for Westerners.

[1067] Yeah.

[1068] Yeah.

[1069] Yeah.

[1070] really wild.

[1071] It's so weird.

[1072] Oh, it's so weird.

[1073] Okay.

[1074] Now we're past that.

[1075] Thank you so much for that.

[1076] And we already expressed our love for Friday Night Lights.

[1077] It's just the greatest show ever.

[1078] God, it's good.

[1079] In fact, I know.

[1080] I love that show.

[1081] There was a fun thing for me and Minka Kelly, because she was on parenthood as well.

[1082] And she and I had a bunch of scenes together.

[1083] I'm somehow on a show where I'm going to cheat on my fiance, who's Joy Bryant with Minka Kelly.

[1084] Talk about imposter's syndrome.

[1085] Who's kidding who?

[1086] She would say, oh, my God, I like parenthood so much.

[1087] And I go, well, Friday Night Lights is so much better than Parenthood.

[1088] And she's like, no way, parenthood's so much better Friday Lights.

[1089] I think because when you're on a show, you can only appreciate it so much.

[1090] Because it's not like you're watching an episode not knowing what's going to happen.

[1091] You've read the script.

[1092] Yeah.

[1093] And I don't know that one's better or worse than the other.

[1094] But I just thought it was funny that each other thought each other's show was by far superior.

[1095] Oh, right.

[1096] That's so funny.

[1097] I'm not asking you to comment on that.

[1098] I know.

[1099] Is this basically you trying to get me to tell you how great parenthood was?

[1100] was because guess what?

[1101] I never watched it.

[1102] I'm the worst about watching TV.

[1103] The worst.

[1104] Now listen, Friday Night Lights is maybe the best show that's been on network television in the last 30 years.

[1105] Well, here's the thing that I can say to that, because I'm such a bad TV watcher, and in fact, one of the great joys of making Friday Night Lights was we were shooting it in Austin, Texas, and we felt so removed from the Hollywood, what are the ratings?

[1106] In fact, our writers were in L .A., but because of the way, that show was developed, they really interested us to like take what they wrote and then we improvised stuff.

[1107] And it was a really beautiful chemistry.

[1108] Which was replicated on parenthood, by the way.

[1109] Yes.

[1110] And you have a quote, I want to read it to you because I actually wrote it done.

[1111] I got a lot of what my values are as an actor from that experience.

[1112] Yeah.

[1113] I deeply relate to that statement.

[1114] I left that show knowing exactly what I would do for the rest of my life as an actor in some weird way.

[1115] I know what you mean.

[1116] And the fact that we were not.

[1117] not focused on anything external, just contributed to this thing that we were creating that we all just cared about so much.

[1118] But by the way, because Catam's gives us a little ownership, you get to say it in a way that you love, that he loves.

[1119] You're on the fucking team when you're on a Catam show.

[1120] I know.

[1121] And it changes everything, right?

[1122] Yes, it does.

[1123] And I remember Kyle Chandler and I, when we were getting to the point where the show was about to end, we would have these conversations with each other.

[1124] We've got to hold ourselves true.

[1125] Here's what is priority.

[1126] Here's what our values are.

[1127] Here's what we will not compromise.

[1128] And so then when I finished doing the show and I was looking for the next thing, I, in multiple different ways, tried to like recreate that badly.

[1129] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1130] You don't make any friends doing that.

[1131] No, it's rough.

[1132] And it sucks because you've seen it fucking work.

[1133] Yes.

[1134] Like you guys had infamously short shoot days, as did parenthood.

[1135] You got in there, you shot with three cameras, you were alive, they got it, and then you went on to the next thing.

[1136] Your audience appreciates it because they feel like you're inviting them into something that's very intimate.

[1137] And then you go to Nashville and you're on something that's choreography and staging.

[1138] Exactly.

[1139] That would have been hard.

[1140] Exactly.

[1141] It was a steep, steep learning.

[1142] Being on a Kadam show pretty much ruined you for the rest of your career.

[1143] Well, and it's funny because I'm on a Kadam show.

[1144] I know.

[1145] I can't believe that.

[1146] You made your way back home.

[1147] You reached out to me about this show.

[1148] show and it was shooting in New York and I'm in L .A. Oh, gosh, I don't know.

[1149] I've been really fortunate because I have been able to work multiple times with people that I love who I've come up with in this business and I love that.

[1150] It's sort of that idea of having a family.

[1151] Yeah, for sure.

[1152] Yeah, and a troop in a way.

[1153] You've picked some good people to have these connections with, by the way.

[1154] I've been really lucky like that.

[1155] I really just wanted to figure it out.

[1156] So we're doing it.

[1157] And years have passed since Friday night lights, and I go to work every day, and I'm just like, I can't believe it.

[1158] We're doing it.

[1159] I'm back.

[1160] I'm back.

[1161] Oh, it's got to be like fucking vitamins.

[1162] Yeah, it is.

[1163] What is it?

[1164] Dear Edward.

[1165] Dear Edward, it's a book.

[1166] It's based on a book.

[1167] I mean, it's based on a book.

[1168] I guess I'm going to tell you.

[1169] It's really sad because it's like a plane crash.

[1170] Oh, good.

[1171] And everybody dies except for this kid named Edward.

[1172] And then the show is actually about all the people that are left behind.

[1173] So it's a true ensemble and much like our work on This is Where I Leave You, there are all these other actors in the show, most of whom I don't work with very much.

[1174] Right.

[1175] That's his specialty.

[1176] He just builds these ensembles.

[1177] Yes.

[1178] It's incredible.

[1179] But then, right, when we work together because we all get together in grief group, I know it sounds really sad.

[1180] Well, look, paranoid was about autism.

[1181] It was about cancer.

[1182] And somehow there are plenty of laughs.

[1183] Everybody's always like, what do you like better?

[1184] Comedy or drama?

[1185] And I'm like both at the same time.

[1186] Dramity.

[1187] Because that's how humans are.

[1188] We need comedy.

[1189] We need humor in order to get through it.

[1190] The harder the thing is, the more humor we need.

[1191] Thousand percent.

[1192] Yeah.

[1193] It's a joy to be back in that fold.

[1194] And enough time passes.

[1195] And you start to be like, did that really happen?

[1196] You start thinking, maybe I remembered that better.

[1197] Revision is history.

[1198] A, that was my big, yeah, you were on Spin City.

[1199] but now you're a driving force in this very special show for the first time ever.

[1200] And then you're in Austin, which is the most magical city in the country.

[1201] By the way, real estate tip, wherever Connie works, buy immediately.

[1202] Because Austin, six acts since you did that show, then you go to Nashville.

[1203] And Nashville's four X since you did that show.

[1204] I can't imagine New York's going to...

[1205] Guys, wait to see what's going to happen to that little podunk town on New York City.

[1206] But next time you take a job in a job.

[1207] a city that's maybe not in the top six markets, let me know so I can get in.

[1208] By the way, we shot White Lotus in Maui.

[1209] Yeah.

[1210] Now Maui's blowing up.

[1211] I've been to that hotel as a patron.

[1212] Yeah.

[1213] The notion that I could be there for a month, I don't know, you probably worked every other day or something is, again, a big ensemble.

[1214] Right.

[1215] I mean, that's the lot of, and Mike White and the whole thing.

[1216] I know.

[1217] It was so dreamy.

[1218] Just working with an autour like him.

[1219] Yeah, yeah.

[1220] But the cast was insane.

[1221] And, like, the dearest people.

[1222] And I'm not asking you to talk shit, but I'm just praying Steve Zon is as wonderful as I've always loved him watching him.

[1223] Steve Zon is so wonderful.

[1224] He's such a pro, first of all.

[1225] Like, he's a real pro.

[1226] You know, he always plays dofuses and shit.

[1227] I know.

[1228] You might think he's a dumbass, but you have to be brilliant to be a dumbass.

[1229] No, no, he's a serious human.

[1230] And such a joy and so fun and real.

[1231] And he fucking made me laugh.

[1232] He's so funny.

[1233] He's so funny.

[1234] When's the last time he saw out of sight, did you ever see it?

[1235] Wait, was that the one?

[1236] Clooney and Lopez, Soderberg.

[1237] Steve's on in that movie.

[1238] That's one of the great performances in cinema history.

[1239] I'm now going to go back and watch it.

[1240] Here's the problem.

[1241] And I don't know if you have this, but maybe you're better at watching things than I am.

[1242] Because I watch things so infrequently, I only now watch kids movies.

[1243] I'm like loving that he's getting a little bit older.

[1244] This is you want to see Top Gun?

[1245] Well, you know, it's funny.

[1246] We had the opportunity to go this week.

[1247] weekend, and he was like, I'll go see it later.

[1248] You guys should go.

[1249] I went last night.

[1250] I think it's amazing.

[1251] I have not been to a movie theater in very long time.

[1252] It was fucking packed.

[1253] That movie delivers beyond belief.

[1254] It reminded me of being nine years old and watching movies.

[1255] My friends who went were like, it's going to be nominated for Oscars and it's going to win.

[1256] It's incredible.

[1257] I'm like, what?

[1258] Okay.

[1259] It is a party.

[1260] You got to get your kid there when it's packed so we can have the experience we all had as kids.

[1261] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1262] It's a riot.

[1263] You're clapping.

[1264] You're cheering.

[1265] Did you go to IMAX?

[1266] I went to Man's Chinese.

[1267] Oh, that's fun.

[1268] Yes.

[1269] Oh, ding, ding, ding, Chinese.

[1270] Oh, Chinese.

[1271] That takes it all that, so I have to go see Top Gun.

[1272] Oh, my God.

[1273] Okay.

[1274] We must now speak of Mama.

[1275] Oh, Mamas.

[1276] Mamas with a S. Mamas.

[1277] Clearly you haven't seen it.

[1278] I did.

[1279] You did?

[1280] Yes, I watched Potter Wasps.

[1281] I have so much to say about Potter Wasps.

[1282] Tell me everything.

[1283] Quick, Connie narrates a new show.

[1284] Okay.

[1285] That's all about mamas in nature and the fucking beat down mommas have to take.

[1286] Yeah.

[1287] It's actually fascinating to me. I learned a lot.

[1288] Dudes haven't made throughout the whole animal kingdom, not just humans.

[1289] Other than that we have to fight each other and die frequently, other than that part, we got it made.

[1290] I know.

[1291] I mean, really, you can have serious philosophical conversation about the depth of really what it is to be a mother across all animal.

[1292] This poor potter wasp, Monica.

[1293] It takes a little ball of clay that it's made with its saliva and some dirt and picks it up and flies it.

[1294] And it's 25 % of its body weight.

[1295] And then it smears it into this pot.

[1296] It makes it this little dome that she'll put her larva in there or her one baby.

[1297] And then she goes out and kills like 40 caterpillars and puts them inside there.

[1298] Guess what?

[1299] She's going to make 10 of those.

[1300] And she's only alive for, what was it, two months or something?

[1301] I mean, something we did.

[1302] She'll never meet the baby.

[1303] Yeah, she never meets the babies.

[1304] Oh, that's so sad.

[1305] She'll be dead.

[1306] Think about that when you're laying your eggs.

[1307] Yeah.

[1308] Oh, my.

[1309] When you're laying your eggs.

[1310] I'm laying.

[1311] Oh, I hope I get to meet those babies.

[1312] I hope you make a little nest in your apartment to lay your eggs.

[1313] Yeah, make a little nest.

[1314] Make a little pot.

[1315] I didn't see all of them, but it's a great, great show.

[1316] And they're small six to ten minutes.

[1317] And I can't wait to watch them all with my daughters because we love nature.

[1318] shows.

[1319] I know.

[1320] It's so beautiful.

[1321] The one I want to talk about is hyenas, because that's my favorite.

[1322] That's a matriarchy, hyenas, as I recall.

[1323] And their clitoris are so big that they look like penises.

[1324] Funny thing, we didn't talk about that on the show.

[1325] Well, in the six minutes limited time we had.

[1326] Forever biologists and zoologists didn't know that it was a matriarchy because the clitoris looks just like a penis.

[1327] No, they thought they were all men.

[1328] Yeah, they thought they were men.

[1329] And then they watched a couple of the penises give birth.

[1330] And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck's going on?

[1331] But it's part of the matriarch.

[1332] evolution of that animal to replicate the males.

[1333] Maybe that's why they scream so loud, am I right?

[1334] So much pleasure.

[1335] So much pleasure.

[1336] The wind blows hard.

[1337] Good for them.

[1338] God bless the hyenas.

[1339] Should we all be blessed with penis ice with horses?

[1340] And on that note, good day.

[1341] But I got to imagine this is a very easy sell to you.

[1342] I just started my little baby production company.

[1343] And they came to us and they're like, we have this beautiful thing.

[1344] I think there's something about.

[1345] me that people relate to mama situation.

[1346] And so that's why I think they thought of me. And it was an opportunity to produce something that they had already done all this work.

[1347] I mean, they had all this gorgeous footage.

[1348] I really do love anything that creates thought around a bigger world that is then completely relatable to like who we are on the most fundamental levels.

[1349] Yeah, you're looking at the tiniest thing, this wasp.

[1350] Yeah.

[1351] I mean, you know how they're filming it.

[1352] It's impossible.

[1353] So crazy.

[1354] You just can't help but to scale it up to us while you're watching it.

[1355] Yeah.

[1356] Like me, I'm watching it.

[1357] I'm like, fucking women, man. They get it around every corner.

[1358] But it would be interesting also if it was maybe, oh, but that's what happens for the wasper.

[1359] That's what happens for the hyena.

[1360] But it's all of these animals.

[1361] Yeah.

[1362] It's standard.

[1363] Let us point out, let's give credit words, do those penguins.

[1364] Remember that March of the Penguins?

[1365] And those fucking dads had to sit on those eggs just as long as the moms.

[1366] Oh, yeah.

[1367] That's fascinating.

[1368] They're pretty good, dads.

[1369] Yeah.

[1370] We've got one.

[1371] We've got one.

[1372] One example.

[1373] There's one example.

[1374] Yeah, that's a feather in our male cap.

[1375] It was equal.

[1376] They didn't do more, right?

[1377] Right.

[1378] They probably did like 51%, I'd imagine.

[1379] And also, where did those eggs come from?

[1380] Who had to squirt them out?

[1381] That I heard is very pleasurable.

[1382] So as Monica will find out in her nest.

[1383] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1384] She scores out the eggs.

[1385] Yeah, when you tell us if it's pleasurable.

[1386] Oh, she doesn't even know how big your eggs are either.

[1387] Oh.

[1388] Tax likes to say there's no evidence of this.

[1389] but that I have huge eggs.

[1390] Genetically.

[1391] And that her mother has huge eggs.

[1392] He's just made all this up.

[1393] He's spreading the bad word.

[1394] First of all, is there a way to measure eggs?

[1395] No, no, no, no. I think they're all standard.

[1396] Yeah, I think they're all pretty small.

[1397] I'm trying to remember where that came from.

[1398] We had some bit that.

[1399] You're making fun of me somehow.

[1400] Yeah, it's turned into that.

[1401] Here are the animals that you're going to learn about on mama's.

[1402] Potter wasps, as I just told you about, grizzly bears, hummingbirds, yellow baboons, cheetahs, lions, wildebeest, black.

[1403] black -backed jackals, strawberry dart frogs, praying mantis.

[1404] Now, am I right in remembering that the praying mantis woman kills the male after he inseminates her and eats him?

[1405] Eat him, that might be.

[1406] Okay, that's another time we take it on the chin.

[1407] Right.

[1408] We're getting there.

[1409] Okay, that's true.

[1410] African elephants.

[1411] Hyenas, meerkats.

[1412] Meerkats.

[1413] Toke macaws.

[1414] T -O -Q -U -E?

[1415] I think so.

[1416] Tocococan.

[1417] And Thompson gazelles.

[1418] All that's going to be covered in Mama.

[1419] Can you believe that?

[1420] And every single one is so beautiful and compelling.

[1421] Can you believe they were able to shoot all of those animals?

[1422] That's insane.

[1423] I feel bad now that we spent so much time talking about great dads.

[1424] Yeah, right?

[1425] We didn't even talk about great moms.

[1426] They're a dime a dozen, you know?

[1427] That's the problem.

[1428] Too many of you are good moms.

[1429] Well, that's why everybody's just going to watch mommas because then you can just see great moms in nature and realize, they're everywhere.

[1430] I knew it.

[1431] I knew I was awesome.

[1432] Yeah.

[1433] Just for being a mom.

[1434] You're awesome.

[1435] Moms are the best.

[1436] I know, they really are the best.

[1437] Now, let me ask you, though, if your option was virtually slave labor, that's what women have been relegated to for the last 6 ,000 years of civilization.

[1438] You have to work in the home and do everything.

[1439] Unpaid, unpaid labor.

[1440] That's right.

[1441] But your choice is that, or you got to fight to the death.

[1442] That's not actually.

[1443] I want to propose something.

[1444] Who is it that initially?

[1445] initiates all this fighting.

[1446] Each other.

[1447] Each other?

[1448] Yeah.

[1449] Each other, what?

[1450] Each other boys?

[1451] The mate selection and all these animals we talk about involve, even if it's birds where the birds don't fight to the death.

[1452] They have the loudest feathers, plumage, which tells the female, I am so fit genetically that I can afford to draw attention to myself for prey.

[1453] So then is that why we have so many wars as human beings?

[1454] Because men are basically just saying, I need to fuck.

[1455] That's Putin's.

[1456] issue right now?

[1457] Oh, yeah.

[1458] Okay.

[1459] Well, you know his issue is very specific, but very male.

[1460] We're just we got to transcend it.

[1461] Yeah, you got to evolve out of that.

[1462] Of course.

[1463] To explain where it comes from is not to say that it's a justification for that behavior.

[1464] It's super base.

[1465] And not only is it super base, but we've actually taken it to a place where it's beyond the base.

[1466] Now it becomes almost entertainment.

[1467] Our masculine foibles.

[1468] For that masculine, yes.

[1469] It's so embarrassing at this point.

[1470] It's pretty embarrassing.

[1471] I'm pretty embarrassed.

[1472] Yeah, for you.

[1473] And I've been embroiled in it.

[1474] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1475] Okay, I'm not going to do my Putin thing.

[1476] I don't need to.

[1477] I've already done it before.

[1478] No, you can say.

[1479] Oh, but I actually now I'm curious.

[1480] Okay, Adolf Hitler fought in World War I. He very much believed they could win.

[1481] When the Kaiser surrendered, he was furious.

[1482] He thought it was a huge embarrassment for the Germans.

[1483] Treaty of Versailles comes along.

[1484] It shackles them into all this debt.

[1485] Their currency goes through the floor.

[1486] he comes to power he says when you broke us up in the treaty of versailles there were a lot of germans that are now in countries they don't recognize we would like to at least reassemble the germans so the sunterlands are the first thing i'm going to invade and the rest of the world goes i kind of get it they are all are german we're going to let hitler have the germans reassembled into one nation state and then they're like wait why is he in poland and then what's very clear is he's just trying to reassemble the old german empire then you go to putin Putin's on the front lines in Germany as a KGB operative for the USSR.

[1487] He believes in it whole stock.

[1488] The wall crumbles.

[1489] He doesn't think they needed to do that.

[1490] They could have fought on.

[1491] They could have won.

[1492] They could have been victorious.

[1493] They could have beat the West.

[1494] Great embarrassment to all Russians.

[1495] Now he gets into power.

[1496] Oh, you have all these disenfranchised Russians living in Ukraine.

[1497] They're not even Ukrainian.

[1498] They're Russian.

[1499] I'm going to go into Ukraine and just reassemble the Russians, then put them back into the fold.

[1500] And that would be step one in what he ultimately wants to do, which is reassemble the USSR, just like Hitler.

[1501] It's identical.

[1502] That is a fucking scary theory.

[1503] Yeah.

[1504] And I'm sure you're right.

[1505] He'll get assassinated, don't worry.

[1506] Well, I don't know.

[1507] Too many of these billionaires are losing too much money.

[1508] But they're scared of him.

[1509] I know.

[1510] Until he's dead.

[1511] I do feel like we're living in a moment in time where we've been pushed to whatever this masculine power -driven limit is.

[1512] And I mean, let's look at the United States, too.

[1513] That's the vibe right now.

[1514] Oh, yeah.

[1515] Well, what I hope to be an optimist, like Stephen Pinker, I think you're actually seeing for the first time ever that it's not going to work.

[1516] Really?

[1517] Yes.

[1518] What is indicating that to you?

[1519] The solidarity with the rest of the world, it's always been thought that we would get so intertwined financially that war would be rendered obsolete.

[1520] That was the great theory in the 1900s is that once globalization happened, it would be too costly for everybody.

[1521] But time and time again, it's proved that that wasn't enough.

[1522] Vietnam still happened.

[1523] The Gulf still happened.

[1524] All these things still happened.

[1525] I think now we finally are so intertwined that Russia is just collapsing right now if they can't participate in the global economy.

[1526] They're just collapsing.

[1527] And it's going to hit their front door very quickly that people are going to be in the streets wondering what the fuck's going on.

[1528] And I'm optimistic in that if China's watching this as a war game, oh, could we invade Taiwan?

[1529] Let's see how it goes with the Ukrainian struggle.

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] It's not going to work.

[1532] And that's a great message for everyone going forward throughout time to know that that old fashion, male, I'm blowing everything up.

[1533] I'm going to overpower you.

[1534] It's not going to work anymore.

[1535] That is my hopeful outcome of this whole situation.

[1536] There's also, though, the sad fact that Russians are very used to suffering.

[1537] And it's going to take a lot for them to finally be like, okay, no, thanks.

[1538] And again, I don't know that it'll be the people, but there are many, many billionaires in that country that are not going to sit there and watch their fortune disappear when they could pay a general $100 million to kill him.

[1539] Yeah.

[1540] Well, he's asleep.

[1541] There's no way.

[1542] Hitler, there's several assassination attempts by Germans.

[1543] We'll see.

[1544] Time will tell.

[1545] Time will tell.

[1546] Took a real turn.

[1547] It did really take a dark turn.

[1548] But, I mean, it's interesting.

[1549] I'm very fascinated by your perspective on it because I find it so also disturbing.

[1550] I mean, it's absolutely horrific.

[1551] I have these images in my mind of what bombing of Hanoi was, what carpet bombing Dresden was.

[1552] all these famous things.

[1553] To watch it daily, you can see just the carnage and the waste.

[1554] Yeah.

[1555] Like an entire country, hundreds years old buildings, town centers, stadiums, airplane hangers, dematerialized in an hour.

[1556] That's the cost of this way of handling our business?

[1557] It's unacceptable.

[1558] Yeah, but that feels like a reasonable human perspective on it.

[1559] And I feel like what we have a lot of unreasonable people, and that destruction is something that they want because it feels like it benefits them.

[1560] They, yeah, feel powerful.

[1561] Yeah.

[1562] Well, and if you're clinically a narcissistic, there is no getting around it.

[1563] What do we do?

[1564] That's the chemicals.

[1565] That's true, too.

[1566] Oh, yeah.

[1567] There's no coming back for him.

[1568] Yeah.

[1569] He's gone.

[1570] Yeah.

[1571] There'll never be a breakthrough conversation with he and an underling where he's like, God damn it, you're right.

[1572] I also think it's imaginable that'll kill himself.

[1573] That's another armchair theory I have.

[1574] He also supposedly as a cancer so maybe we'll just die fingers crossed that the cancer gets him oh he does wouldn't that be an ironic twist for cancer as a brand oh my god the rebranding cancer cancer should get right on that we're like so grateful for cancer cancer is going to have a moment it's going to have a comeback yeah yeah oh i'm excited for cancer cancer gets a lot of shit yeah but that's like when trump started getting so crazy and George Bush was really having a moment because we were all like, remember, we hated him, but he was actually great in comparison.

[1575] Oh, yeah.

[1576] Or we were all like, God, we would have loved Mitt Romney.

[1577] I would have asked a D for Mitt Rodney to be behind the helm.

[1578] Oh, well, Connie, this has been so pleasurable.

[1579] Oh, it's been so enjoyable.

[1580] I want everyone to check out Mamas on Roku.

[1581] Worth getting the Roku.

[1582] I can't tell you how you do it, but I think it's pretty easy to do.

[1583] I think my parents have it and they don't know how to do stuff.

[1584] I don't use Roku, but I can tell you.

[1585] tell you it is awesome in that it's just a little USB thing that you plug into the back of your HDMI thing so when you travel you can have your fucking Roku in your pocket like I'm an Apple TV guy but I can't stuff that fucker in my pocket oh that's a great thing so smart of them very good very good job Roku also that's great if you're traveling because you can just watch a little episode absolutely you don't have to get into a long no I'm saying they're perfect for kids that's our media like did you watch this dinosaur thing that just came out with your kid no but I heard about it tremendous the five nine event every night get home to school dinner homework and it's like let's get down there and watch these dinosaurs it's so great wait what's the dinosaur thing on it's on Apple Plus sorry Roku sorry Roku but look there's a lot of options you can have them all have them all yeah have them all that's the life that we live in now have an abundancy mentality and consume all the content but it's fantastic and so we're always running out of nature shows because it's what we all like as a family yeah and so I'm delighted and it's so perfect because I can watch these before bed without getting sucked into because they're clever We're like, can we watch one more thing?

[1586] I'm like, well, that's 30 minutes.

[1587] And you need to be asleep in 18.

[1588] And then they agree to that, though, which is horseshit.

[1589] I go, okay, but I'm going to turn it off in 15 minutes.

[1590] And then 15 minutes comes, you're right in the middle of a Komodo dragon fighting a fucking sea serpent.

[1591] And you've got to say, I'm going to pause this now.

[1592] We obviously have the same kids because you won't even say he never said it.

[1593] It's just like, but, but, but, but, but, look at the seat right in the middle of the thing.

[1594] That's right.

[1595] Who can blame them?

[1596] Oh, they're all a bunch of criminals.

[1597] Yeah, they are.

[1598] You can't believe a word they say.

[1599] Not a word.

[1600] They are making promises they can't keep.

[1601] Writing checks their ass won't never catch.

[1602] Connie Britton, thanks so much for coming.

[1603] It was really, really fun.

[1604] Thank you in absentia to Jedediah Jenkins for making a little visit.

[1605] And thank you for the appropriate reaction to Dax's feet.

[1606] We don't need another take.

[1607] It was perfect.

[1608] That seems like so long ago that I kind of already blocked it out.

[1609] Well, thank you so much for coming.

[1610] And we'll hopefully have you back soon.

[1611] Okay, bye.

[1612] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1613] We just had a fun interview.

[1614] Really fun.

[1615] Oh, God.

[1616] I mean...

[1617] Some people are very cool.

[1618] There's also a handful of guests that we now have a relationship with.

[1619] And it's just so flattering.

[1620] I can't get over it.

[1621] Like, we started four years ago, and we have, like...

[1622] It's so lucky.

[1623] Real relationships with certain people.

[1624] I know I was thinking that I was really remembering the first time he was here.

[1625] Uh -huh.

[1626] And how you felt.

[1627] Yeah, how I felt versus how I feel now.

[1628] How comfortable you are now, yeah.

[1629] It was very cool.

[1630] I could feel it too.

[1631] Yeah.

[1632] Your outfit didn't hurt.

[1633] Well, my outfits have gotten better.

[1634] Speaking of clothes and cool stuff, I had another dream about my twins.

[1635] You did?

[1636] Yeah.

[1637] Oh, my God.

[1638] Oh, my God.

[1639] I thought that too when I woke up.

[1640] I was like, I'm obsessed.

[1641] No, I'm not sexually attracted to them.

[1642] I just want to, okay, sure, yet.

[1643] But I just want to be them and be in their proximity.

[1644] Oh, I understand.

[1645] It's actually really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you...

[1646] Dated.

[1647] Yes.

[1648] Like, that is very...

[1649] Abstract.

[1650] Because they seem like mythical creatures to me. Sure.

[1651] First of all, you even just ran into one.

[1652] That would have been enough.

[1653] It's already crazy.

[1654] If I could have just confirmed.

[1655] they were here on planet Earth, sharing the same time in space as us.

[1656] That would have been shattering that.

[1657] And then you dated, which is like not computing.

[1658] We kissed, Monica.

[1659] No, you did not.

[1660] Don't say that.

[1661] My dreams are going to be crazy tonight.

[1662] I hate to kiss and tell, but we kissed.

[1663] Wow.

[1664] Where did you meet?

[1665] Well, the very first time I saw Ashley was at this.

[1666] outdoor I can't even it's so hazy what like I don't know why I was there I don't know why she was there but it was some kind of eventy type thing and it was on a beach and in fact this is what I talked to her about the first time I actually then talked to her which was she was with a boy who was a supermodel like they were young at the time yeah the dude was like six four so gorgeous and a teen so he doesn't even Oh, he was a teen.

[1667] It was one of these wonderful things where it's like he doesn't even realize that every full -grown man at this party is jealous of this boy.

[1668] Yeah.

[1669] Yeah, just gorgeous shoulders broad.

[1670] And so when I then met her a second time at a friend's party, Halloween party.

[1671] Oh.

[1672] And Cooper and I went and I can't remember what I was dressed as, but I know Cooper was dressed as Tom Selleck as Magnum P .I. Okay.

[1673] And what was she dressed as?

[1674] Hold on.

[1675] Let me tell you more about Cooper.

[1676] No, I want to get that.

[1677] He had on the tiny, tiny, O .P. Corderoi shorts, and he looked gorgeous in him.

[1678] I couldn't believe how great his legs and ass looked in these shorts.

[1679] Maybe I am in love with them, because I don't care about the Bradley Cooper part of this story, but I definitely want to know about the twins.

[1680] Okay.

[1681] Well, it wasn't the twins.

[1682] It was just Ashley.

[1683] Mary Kay wasn't at the party?

[1684] She was not at the party.

[1685] So she was with her friend.

[1686] And then Cooper and I were among the only men that were dancing, as is often the case.

[1687] Which is why I always tell young men, if you want to meet co -eds, learn to dance.

[1688] Because you're going to make yourself now, you've gotten rid of 95 % of the competition.

[1689] It's one of your big pieces of advice.

[1690] Might be my primary piece of advice, learn to dance.

[1691] And only if you're a boy.

[1692] Okay.

[1693] And I remember among the first things we talked about was I was just like, Where is that gorgeous fucking boyfriend I saw you as some years back?

[1694] Yeah.

[1695] And I just regaled her with my memory of how gorgeous that guy was.

[1696] That was kind of the icebreaker.

[1697] Right.

[1698] Yeah.

[1699] What does her voice sound like?

[1700] Because all I know it is, you got it, dude.

[1701] But it's like, that's a kid's voice.

[1702] Can you impersonate it?

[1703] I can't.

[1704] She got a cool voice.

[1705] It's a little raspy.

[1706] It is.

[1707] I meant raspy.

[1708] It's not rusty.

[1709] She's still young, to my knowledge.

[1710] And you're moving on.

[1711] Okay.

[1712] At what point does this get, does this get like a little stalkery of us?

[1713] Well, exactly.

[1714] I'm always in a compromised position.

[1715] It's fine because I have my Brad Pitt obsession, and of course you could have your Ashley obsession.

[1716] Yeah, it's not my fault.

[1717] I'm dreaming about them.

[1718] I know it's not.

[1719] I know.

[1720] I guess it's more me. I feel a little grody talking about acts.

[1721] But you're always saying the most flattering things.

[1722] She's wonderful.

[1723] I know.

[1724] I know she'll deliver when you guys are.

[1725] are finally put together in the sim.

[1726] I think it will happen because two things.

[1727] One it is so sim that of course you dated someone who I want to be most friends with.

[1728] Most like classic sim.

[1729] Classic textbook.

[1730] Also I have a history of willing people into my life.

[1731] You do.

[1732] Great track record.

[1733] And I haven't had that experience in a while.

[1734] It's about time.

[1735] Well it's because you've been so spoiled.

[1736] Like Matt Damon was five minutes ago, but yeah.

[1737] Well, and three you keep telling millions of people that you want to every week.

[1738] That's how you will it, Rob.

[1739] Don't tell me how to will, Rob.

[1740] She wrote the book on Willing it.

[1741] She has one piece of advice for people.

[1742] I have many pieces.

[1743] But one is, will it.

[1744] Can I will my dinner?

[1745] My dinner thing in Chicago?

[1746] Oh, yeah.

[1747] So, yeah, absolutely.

[1748] Rob, you're going to Chicago and you can't get a reservation somewhere?

[1749] It's all booked at Alinea.

[1750] I'm going to be there.

[1751] The fuck it's bullshit.

[1752] This isn't the best way to go about willing.

[1753] No, listen.

[1754] No, it is.

[1755] It is.

[1756] First, he's pointing out how popular.

[1757] they are very esteemed place yeah i love alinia yeah alinia very hard to get into very i have never been and it's on my life list and alinia when are you there what are your dates rob i'm going to be in the city of the 11th through the 14th of july okay so alinia if you're listening i know you can scoge some tables here and there how many people rob you also have some real good right to four two to four two that's four i'm fine i'm just thinking madly no no let's go for four let's go for four let's aim for the fences and if you get a triple okay so alinia July 14th through 17th a couple things 11th 11th the 14th well you'll change if you have to because you want to eat there that bad 11th through the 14th okay there's a few ways this could shake out alinia you have a lot of regulars that you're close with you call one of them and you say probably not it's a very fancy restaurant I know it is but there's someone that eats their five nights a week Okay.

[1758] And then owner of Alenia, what's his name?

[1759] Grant Ackett's.

[1760] What?

[1761] Grant Ackett.

[1762] Grant.

[1763] I'm hoping if you call him Jen.

[1764] Okay.

[1765] Oh, no, that's a ding, ding, ding, because Jen Atkin is a hairstylist.

[1766] Oh, my God.

[1767] That is not, that is a duck, so I ever fucking heard one because I didn't even say Jen.

[1768] Yes, you did.

[1769] No idea.

[1770] It's a gym.

[1771] Okay.

[1772] Chad?

[1773] Grant.

[1774] Oh, boy.

[1775] Cut that on.

[1776] Rob, I told you this was a bad idea.

[1777] Fairly.

[1778] I'm going to get banned.

[1779] I'm going to get banned.

[1780] I'm going to other.

[1781] My picture is.

[1782] going to be up in there.

[1783] I do not admit this crazy person.

[1784] Grant, listen to me. I love you so much.

[1785] You met him.

[1786] I know.

[1787] No, he does not know.

[1788] You guys are ruining this.

[1789] Okay.

[1790] Did I interview?

[1791] No, you, when you were on the final table, he was the main.

[1792] Oh, my God.

[1793] Oh, yes.

[1794] I know Chad.

[1795] I know Chad from the final table.

[1796] Grant.

[1797] Grant.

[1798] This is the Ed, Ron.

[1799] I'm so sorry, Ron.

[1800] You're never eating there.

[1801] Hold on, hold on.

[1802] No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen.

[1803] I'm keeping all the years.

[1804] No, you're not.

[1805] No, listen, Grant, I know Grant.

[1806] I was a judge in the final table and Grant was one of the hosts.

[1807] Yeah.

[1808] He was the guest, uh, the guest chef for your episode.

[1809] He was the guest chef for my episode.

[1810] So Grant, I love you and we're friends.

[1811] So this is a solid.

[1812] Okay, this is how good workout.

[1813] You had another table.

[1814] We can do that.

[1815] We'll figure it out.

[1816] It'll be a tiny bit tight that night.

[1817] That's one thing we can do.

[1818] We'll sit in the kitchen.

[1819] it doesn't matter you could set him up in the kitchen he'll do anything you could put a little card table out in front of the restaurant and serve them outdoors here's another option that you two haven't thought of you've been so critical of me that you forgot about this there could be a fucking arm cherry in the audience who has a reservation right now on that date to which if they give it to rob and they make another one i dach shepherd will pay for their meal that there.

[1820] I'll pay for it too.

[1821] I don't need you to pay for it.

[1822] And I'll make them a reservation if they're willing to trade dates.

[1823] Yeah, the odds of there being someone in the audience and has a reservation on the same.

[1824] But fuck it.

[1825] Let's put it out there.

[1826] If you have a reservation between July 11th and 14th and you want to, this is kind of like when you go flying and they're like, hey, would you give up your seat and we'll give you another flight and a voucher?

[1827] We're now saying, well, you get a free meal.

[1828] Don't be an asshole.

[1829] I'm not buying like a thousand dollars worth of wine.

[1830] Let's be.

[1831] I've got to set some parameters of this.

[1832] No, Dax, for real.

[1833] They are going to want to do a wine pairing.

[1834] I can't.

[1835] Because if you're going to a place like that, you are going to.

[1836] I can't be spending thousands on wine.

[1837] Maybe how about this?

[1838] Your bar tab's yours.

[1839] I'm paying for the meal.

[1840] We'll also give you a shout out.

[1841] Okay, this could be an An Monsore situation.

[1842] Let's hope.

[1843] I know you've benefited from this type of inquiry.

[1844] Yeah, but I know how to will it.

[1845] I'm not saying the wrong names of peace.

[1846] We'll get Will in it.

[1847] We need Rob to eat at this restaurant.

[1848] Rob, I'm going to help Will some stuff.

[1849] Okay.

[1850] Okay.

[1851] Anyway.

[1852] Now, things I want.

[1853] It's my turn.

[1854] Okay.

[1855] What do you want me to will for you?

[1856] I'm going to be in Italy.

[1857] And I would love to look out my window and see some streakers.

[1858] I'm not.

[1859] I'm going to have you with that.

[1860] Okay.

[1861] Well, let's move on.

[1862] I'll Instagram my location, which will be dangerous for the family, but worth it if some streakers run by.

[1863] And you've got to have foghorns, too, because I might be busy reading a book in bed.

[1864] I need to hear.

[1865] And then I'll look out the window.

[1866] Ding, ding, ding, ding, honey, get over here.

[1867] And then she'll be like, what the fuck is this?

[1868] And then when I tell her what I orchestrated, she's going to be very disappointed.

[1869] That's why I use my wish for.

[1870] All right.

[1871] We'll see.

[1872] You'll report back.

[1873] Connie Britton.

[1874] Connie B. Great episode.

[1875] Very fun.

[1876] I don't think the person that makes Gracie wallpaper is the same Gracie from jujitsu.

[1877] No. I didn't find anything saying it wasn't.

[1878] Right.

[1879] But also, no cause.

[1880] But there's nothing on the internet that says, I'm not related to George Washington.

[1881] You will not find the sentence.

[1882] Dak Shepard is not related to George Washington.

[1883] Well, because maybe you are.

[1884] I'm sure it'll be added to Wikipedia after this release.

[1885] I hope so.

[1886] Oh, can I give you a funny update?

[1887] Yeah.

[1888] So, Cedaris.

[1889] Yes.

[1890] He sent us cards again.

[1891] Yeah.

[1892] Really cute.

[1893] It's so fun to get a postcard from him.

[1894] And so his was on this postcard for Dr. Crane.

[1895] Dr. Crane, he said, someone gave me this book, I urge you to find a copy of it.

[1896] It's the worst advice I've ever read in my life.

[1897] It's wonderful.

[1898] So I found a copy of it.

[1899] Oh, wow.

[1900] And it's preposterous.

[1901] He was a doctor and a psychologist and taught Bible class for 40 years.

[1902] And the tips for wives are off the charts.

[1903] Oh, wow.

[1904] You just can't believe it's in writing.

[1905] Oh, my God.

[1906] I only bring all that up to say that Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane's like, doesn't say his fucking name anywhere.

[1907] than Dr. Crane and all the notes of the publishing, look it up last night.

[1908] His goddamn name was George Washington Crane.

[1909] Wow.

[1910] I really thought you were going to say Dax.

[1911] But no. It was a ding ding -ding goose.

[1912] Okay, but this is a ding -ding -dink.

[1913] My postcard.

[1914] Yeah.

[1915] The front of it, like he writes on the back, obviously, but like the front is, I'm sure he just collects weird postcards over the years and then just picks random ones.

[1916] Yeah.

[1917] The one, to me, it says, abortions, $3.

[1918] Oh, wow.

[1919] And I was like, when I got it, I didn't think anything of it.

[1920] But then obviously I saw it sitting there on Friday.

[1921] And I was like, oh, my ding.

[1922] Duck.

[1923] So that was cray.

[1924] And that's also a ding, ding, ding because we do talk a lot on this episode about women, about motherhood, she's a single mom.

[1925] You know, anyway.

[1926] So it's timely, but also should be said, we recorded that pre -Rovey Wade being overturned.

[1927] Okay.

[1928] You showed her your feet.

[1929] Yeah.

[1930] She had an amazing reaction.

[1931] Very strong.

[1932] Even better the second time I heard it.

[1933] But it reminded me. So I have a meeting with someone about a potential business.

[1934] set up by our friends Molly and Eric.

[1935] Oh, yeah.

[1936] Eric, as you know, as is well established here, loves my feet.

[1937] Oh, yeah, loves your feet.

[1938] He has a feet fetish from my feet and in general, but specifically mine.

[1939] Yours are his favorite feet in the pod for sure.

[1940] He scrubs them, he decaluses him, he puts lotion on them.

[1941] So Molly sent out an email to connect us all, and it was Eric, Molly, this man and me. And Molly says, you know, I went to introduce you to our friend, Monica.

[1942] She has this idea.

[1943] Blah, blah, blah.

[1944] And then he responds.

[1945] Also really nice.

[1946] Let's jump on a call.

[1947] And then next email is from Eric.

[1948] Oh, boy.

[1949] And this is what it says.

[1950] She is also very pretty with amazing breasts.

[1951] Although I personally think the hottest part of her is her petite and well -proportioned and manicured feet, toes, and ankles.

[1952] Maybe we should put pictures of her feet on the blank.

[1953] Product.

[1954] It made me laugh so hard.

[1955] One more time.

[1956] One more time.

[1957] She is also very pretty with amazing breasts.

[1958] Although, I personally think the hottest part of her is her fatite and well -proportioned and manicured feet, toes, and ankles.

[1959] I mean, if you know Eric, you just know this.

[1960] is what he's yeah that's what you sign up for the responses are all laughs yeah good nervous laughs he got yeah he was like and there goes eric dot dot dot oh no i lost my page connie in the meantime i'm going to fill the space i know i've already brought it up i always bring up shit i'm currently consuming ad nauseum but the ken burns hemingway document documentary is fucking awesome you know when I like something a ton I have one Buchowski book I've never read because you want to keep that alive I can't live in a world where I've read them all similarly I'm like teasing this out because it's like it's six hours but I'm like oh I'm gonna be dead when this is over oh wow that's great that's fun yeah and it's doing this fun thing to me that I would you know it happened to me when I was a teenager happened to me sometime in my 20s where it's like I get obsessed with a fantasy of an identity.

[1961] Oh.

[1962] And it's so much fuel.

[1963] And I like it.

[1964] What is the fantasy?

[1965] A writer.

[1966] Oh, nice.

[1967] Yeah.

[1968] Ding, ding, ding, duck, goose, the person we just had on, you wrote something, you sent it to him.

[1969] Yes.

[1970] And that's a big deal because this is a big deal person.

[1971] Mm -hmm.

[1972] You were supposed to send it to me, but you didn't.

[1973] You know, because...

[1974] where you said you were going to send it to me. I did say that.

[1975] And I've been thinking about it.

[1976] Yeah.

[1977] It's in this, can't figure out what version it is.

[1978] And, of course, I want it to be brilliant when you read it.

[1979] Oh, so you don't feel like you're ready for me to read it because it's not done yet.

[1980] Yeah, but I'll send it to you.

[1981] You don't have to.

[1982] I want you to be fully comfortable.

[1983] No, yeah, yeah.

[1984] I'll send it to you.

[1985] I'll send it to you.

[1986] I like the way you write.

[1987] I'd love to read it.

[1988] Thank you.

[1989] I'm also feeling really itchy to write.

[1990] Are you?

[1991] You're a great writer, and you should write all the time.

[1992] I love writing.

[1993] I wrote in, like, a journal a little bit one day.

[1994] I was supposed to do it daily, and I did it one day last week, and it felt really good.

[1995] Well, you know the part of Hemingway's life that appeals to me so much is he was just ironclad with his routine.

[1996] So he woke up at, like, he tried to start writing before the sun came up.

[1997] Yeah.

[1998] And he wrote to like noon.

[1999] and then the rest of the day was getting drunk and having fun.

[2000] Yeah.

[2001] Fishing, playing with his kids, going to the bar.

[2002] Yeah.

[2003] And so I wasn't the type of alcoholic, unfortunately, that could maintain a schedule like that.

[2004] But that would be the dream for me. It's like I'm super responsible and I'm proud of myself.

[2005] And then I get to celebrate and completely lose myself.

[2006] Yeah.

[2007] I like the pattern of that.

[2008] But it occurred to me. But he killed himself.

[2009] He did kill himself, yeah, as his father did.

[2010] It didn't.

[2011] Well, he had very complex.

[2012] Dude, I mean, clearly had really, really bad depression, you know, aside from the drinking.

[2013] But what occurred to me is that I have so many hobbies.

[2014] Like, I can party from noon till nighttime without drinking.

[2015] Yeah, you can have fun and do it.

[2016] Yeah, and I actually have more fun when I know I've done something productive.

[2017] And I was just like, I want to somehow construct that schedule for myself in a dream world.

[2018] Well, we can start recording at 9 a .m. No, we have to, like 5.

[2019] No, but I want to write, like, early, and I want to work, and then I want to, like, yeah, I don't know.

[2020] You're not going to like mine.

[2021] It's going to be triggering because you're going to be nervous.

[2022] I'm moving away.

[2023] Okay.

[2024] But here's my current fantasy.

[2025] I wake up early, and I sit directly in front of the lake, and I write for, like, six hours.

[2026] That's nice.

[2027] And then I work out, and then I play.

[2028] I swim.

[2029] Without me?

[2030] Well, you can come.

[2031] But I'll be living there.

[2032] I'm gonna move as soon as I move in.

[2033] No, I'm not.

[2034] Okay.

[2035] Don't be fatalistic.

[2036] Well, I'm scared.

[2037] I'm just telling you what my fantasy is.

[2038] I know.

[2039] I want to right in front of a lake in the mornings and then work out and then do this.

[2040] You can move when you're 60.

[2041] Okay.

[2042] Because then we'll have 10 years, a little over 10 years.

[2043] Thirteen, that'd be.

[2044] A little over.

[2045] A little over.

[2046] A little over.

[2047] It's a little over 10 years together to do this.

[2048] Yeah, okay, great.

[2049] Okay, the true crime lady that I was thinking of was Nancy Grace.

[2050] Oh, right.

[2051] I know Nancy Grace.

[2052] And I could not put a name to it.

[2053] A little abrasive.

[2054] Stephanie, you kept thinking, Samantha Power.

[2055] Right, it always makes me think of this woman who is a financial guru and she had spiky white hair.

[2056] I know, I don't know who you're talking about, but Stephanie Powers, you kept saying Stephanie Powers.

[2057] That's an actress.

[2058] and she was in heart to heart.

[2059] Oh, great.

[2060] Are you thinking Susan Pouter?

[2061] Oh, let me see.

[2062] She's P -O -W -T -E -R.

[2063] Yeah.

[2064] She's an Australian motivational speaker.

[2065] Oh, no, it's fucking making, trying to make me so...

[2066] That's her.

[2067] That is her.

[2068] Thank you.

[2069] It's not even power.

[2070] I just Google a financial guru with spiky white hair.

[2071] Well, she was on Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[2072] she was an actress and a financial she was so famous that i think she must have just been a guest oh yeah uh okay oh this was very interesting hyenas clitorisus oh yeah okay i'm gonna read about some hyenas oh good unlike most other mammals spotted hyenas live in majorarchical societies led by alpha females that's what you had said in these clans throughout sub -Saharan africa females do the majority of the hunting, dictate the social structure, and raise cubs as single mothers.

[2073] Because most males and clans join from other groups, the highest ranking male in the group is often subservient to the most junior female.

[2074] Males spotted hyenas have also evolved to be smaller than females.

[2075] But there's one aspect of the spotted hyena matriarchy that appears alarmingly misogynistic at first glance.

[2076] Look between a lady hyena's back legs with her permission.

[2077] And you'll find a thick phallic structure complete with a fall, scrotum and testes.

[2078] This is the pseudopinus, a structure so convincing that for years, researchers wondered if spotted hyenas were hermaphrodites.

[2079] While there are several other species, including elephants where females have pseudophalluses, those of spotted hyenas are a true feat in mimicry, nearly indistinguishable from the male penis in both length and girth.

[2080] It's not just a slight masculinization, says biologist Karen Bonder.

[2081] We're seeing the entire reproductive system being dominated.

[2082] The internal plumbing remains the same, however, which means that females must urinate through the, the pseudopinus.

[2083] They must have sex through the pseudo penis.

[2084] They must even give birth through the pseudo penis.

[2085] And though it remains flaccid during these acts, the latter two ordeals are just as complicated and painful as they sound.

[2086] These ladies push multiple three -pound cubs through a fake penis.

[2087] Yikes.

[2088] You know, another random fact about hyenas, what would you guess is their closest living relative?

[2089] This is very duck, duck, goose.

[2090] I like that, guess, but that's not it.

[2091] You know the whale, well, hold on, you know, the elephant's closest living relative.

[2092] The high racks, the teeny little rodent that lives on top of the rock outcroppings, and they have testicles on their back like an elephant does.

[2093] Wow.

[2094] Okay, what is the hyena?

[2095] The giraffe.

[2096] Oh, my gosh.

[2097] Crazy.

[2098] You know, you can see it, though, because their front legs are so much taller than their rear legs, and they're at an angle.

[2099] Their spine's at like a grade.

[2100] Isn't that freaky?

[2101] That is freaks.

[2102] But I don't know any about any pseudo penises and gyraffs.

[2103] I would think we would have heard about it.

[2104] Because they're a popular animal.

[2105] I've seen an extended giraffe penis out in the wild.

[2106] How big?

[2107] Feet.

[2108] I mean feet long, like three, four feet.

[2109] Four feet?

[2110] Yeah.

[2111] Not four feet.

[2112] Four feet is almost as tall as me. Type in how long's a giraffe's penis.

[2113] Type it in, Rob.

[2114] Keep your search clean, I guess.

[2115] A wrecked.

[2116] I guess so have to say a wrecked.

[2117] Well, this is 77 centimeters one flaccid.

[2118] 77 cent.

[2119] I don't know what the fucking centimeter is.

[2120] That is 30 inches.

[2121] 30 inches.

[2122] That's over two feet.

[2123] That's almost three feet.

[2124] Placid.

[2125] Wow.

[2126] And I saw one engorged.

[2127] I saw one engorged.

[2128] An erect penis is four feet long.

[2129] Wow.

[2130] Good job.

[2131] You were right.

[2132] I was wrong.

[2133] Good job.

[2134] It looked like a Monica hanging off.

[2135] Ew.

[2136] What?

[2137] That's disgusting.

[2138] It's kind of hot.

[2139] I don't think it is.

[2140] I don't think it is.

[2141] A four foot penis.

[2142] Okay.

[2143] I guess I'm obsessed with the phallus.

[2144] Do you think so?

[2145] Good take.

[2146] We don't need another.

[2147] Let's move on.

[2148] Oh, that's lunch.

[2149] Great.

[2150] Thanks for getting us.

[2151] lunch.

[2152] Okay, a potter wasp.

[2153] This is a ding, ding, ding, because we do an episode on wasps coming up.

[2154] Yep.

[2155] Get excited.

[2156] These wasps live for 22 days.

[2157] That's just too short.

[2158] It's really small.

[2159] It's a really a small amount of time.

[2160] It's as small as the erect giraffe penises long, as they like to say.

[2161] Yep.

[2162] That's an age old axiom.

[2163] Yeah.

[2164] Okay.

[2165] I looked up ovary size.

[2166] Oh, hit me. The egg size matters in conceiving because it has to be of the right size for fertility.

[2167] The minimum egg size to get pregnant is 18 to 20 millimeters.

[2168] Okay.

[2169] Otherwise, the normal egg size is 22 to 24 millimeters.

[2170] And as I recall, yours are 48 millimeters.

[2171] 48 inches.

[2172] Oh, inches.

[2173] So 120 millimeters.

[2174] Yeah, they also hold a lot of water.

[2175] So the milliliters, you know, they hold a lot of yoke.

[2176] Yoke.

[2177] Okay, does the praying mantis female eat the male after mating?

[2178] Female praying mantises are famous for attacking and cannibalizing their maids during or after a sexual encounter.

[2179] But evidence is emerging that some males attack too, and that winning a fight is crucial for successful mating.

[2180] Good for the men.

[2181] Yeah, good for men.

[2182] It's about time.

[2183] About time men fought back.

[2184] That's all for us.

[2185] Yeah.

[2186] This is the end.

[2187] My only friend, the end.

[2188] That's sad.

[2189] It's the doors.

[2190] You know that?

[2191] It's about, it's as long as a giraffe's dick.

[2192] It's so long.

[2193] It is, the song?

[2194] Could you get a runtime on that for us, Rob?

[2195] Rob's like, you know, when you did those, all those movies where there's spies?

[2196] Yeah.

[2197] And there's a guy in the fan that can get every bit of information in one second.

[2198] Ooh, speaking of it, I started a new good show.

[2199] What is it?

[2200] 11 minutes and 44 seconds.

[2201] The song, that's outrageous.

[2202] That's Ken Kennedy always had a great joke.

[2203] He goes, this is the end.

[2204] Only nine minutes left in the end.

[2205] What's the show?

[2206] I want to watch.

[2207] It's called The Old Man. I love that.

[2208] It's so good.

[2209] I saw it and I really wanted to watch it, but I wanted to wait till there was like three.

[2210] There's been three now.

[2211] I watched it all on Saturday.

[2212] It's really good.

[2213] Okay, so we have one more thing.

[2214] before we go.

[2215] Don't go.

[2216] Don't go.

[2217] Don't leave.

[2218] We have prompts.

[2219] We have new prompts for August.

[2220] A, A, A, AAA, AAA, Armchair, Anonymous August.

[2221] Here are the exciting prompts.

[2222] This is by popular demand, by the way, because we floated this on scams, pooping your panties.

[2223] And people were just, I saw more comments about, please let me tell you about it.

[2224] Okay, so we're going to narrow it down, but rest of sure, if you like shit your pants, while you're flying an airplane.

[2225] That's coming.

[2226] Don't worry.

[2227] It's all coming.

[2228] It's all coming.

[2229] Well, actually, that would qualify for this one.

[2230] If you were flying the airplane and you're under the employee of somebody because it's worked.

[2231] Okay.

[2232] First prompt, tell us about an untimely, unauthorized evacuation in your pants while on the job or at work.

[2233] Yep.

[2234] I thought I worded that one really delicately.

[2235] Did you unauthorized?

[2236] It was beautiful.

[2237] It was poetry.

[2238] Thank you.

[2239] Okay.

[2240] That's number one.

[2241] Number two, tell us about the most awkwardly.

[2242] moment when you were interrupted mid coitus yes wow that's going to be tasty and get I mean no I was going to say get creative but don't get creative get truthful be honest that means sex I mean sex yeah every listener of armchair expert is uh knowledgeable in that term I would think I'm just worried that it's all going to be kids walking in that's my fear oh that's a good fear that's a good fear yeah so if your kid walked in I mean there'd be like a really good punchline not to set the bar too high right oh Do you remember that great viral video?

[2243] Is a kid coming, he's talking about having heard his parents have sex?

[2244] And he goes, yeah, mommy was like, ah, ah, huh, huh.

[2245] And Daddy was like, I forget what Daddy said.

[2246] And then they auto -tuned it into this incredible song.

[2247] In fact, Rob, could you find that song?

[2248] But tell us about the craziest thing you've witnessed at a wedding.

[2249] We're talking cold feet.

[2250] We're talking someone standing up and objecting.

[2251] Yeah, a death, a fist fight.

[2252] That's right.

[2253] A lottery winner.

[2254] Oh, my God.

[2255] It could be positive.

[2256] Of course.

[2257] Yeah.

[2258] God, it makes me want to know if anyone's ever hooked up with one of a. Oh, my God, a better groom.

[2259] Yes, that night.

[2260] You know what happens.

[2261] If you've done that, please write in.

[2262] Yes.

[2263] Okay.

[2264] Tell us about a time you stole something.

[2265] This is, I like this one.

[2266] Remember we can keep everyone anonymous.

[2267] Yeah, you can stay anonymous.

[2268] Also, statute of limitations on most thefts.

[2269] are pretty short.

[2270] Yeah.

[2271] Have you stole much stuff?

[2272] Nothing.

[2273] A bunch of stuff.

[2274] Oh, you have?

[2275] No, no, I'm sorry.

[2276] I was just shocked at the way you said that.

[2277] Well, no, I've stolen, unfortunately.

[2278] Well, I stole that person's cookies in kindergarten.

[2279] First grade.

[2280] First grade.

[2281] That was, that was it.

[2282] That was formative, though, because I've heard about it a bunch of times.

[2283] It didn't go over well, so I guess I learned that's not for me. That was the last time you stole something.

[2284] I haven't I don't I haven't done it Rob have you stolen things I was really young What'd you take?

[2285] I think I took a DVD for the library once You could have just checked it out probably Rob Is that even theft Maybe it's that you didn't return it I probably returned it too I just wanted it longer than they would have given me it Oh boy you know I stole stuff But I will say It's one of the rare really cool things My dad modeled in front of me So we went to the hardware store we're inside bought a bunch of shit he paid for it we're walking out and we had a dog at the time and all there was a bunch of bags of dog food out in front of the store and he was kind of like oh shit i forgot to get the dog food buy dog food so he just threw a bag over his shoulder we got all the way to the car none of this was a performance for me like he didn't really give a fuck i was what and then he stopped and he was like and he just goes and it goes around comes around and he went back inside and paid for it and i will say that i developed pretty early on a like, you know, anything I take will get taken from me. I just had that belief.

[2286] Yeah, me too.

[2287] I just felt like I'll get caught in trouble.

[2288] Something bad will happen to me if I'd put that out in the world.

[2289] Yeah, I wasn't terribly afraid of getting caught.

[2290] Because I also had these examples like my brother and I were, I was in fifth grade and he was in 11th grade.

[2291] He was five years older than me, but six grades ahead of me. And we both wanted Walkman's really, really bad.

[2292] And so he was like, I'm going to steal one from Sears.

[2293] And we both had a winter coats on.

[2294] It was Michigan's at the 12 Oaks Mall.

[2295] And we both had these CB winter jackets on, like skiing jackets, very big.

[2296] And we went in and we're looking at all the Walkmans, okay?

[2297] And he stole one and I stole one.

[2298] And the one I stole was like the most expensive one.

[2299] I stole a Sony Walkman with auto reverse, everything metal.

[2300] It was...

[2301] Well, if you're going to steal...

[2302] My brother didn't.

[2303] my brother stole like a Sanyo like it wasn't a good one we're walking out of Sears and all of a sudden stop Sears security and he says to my brother I saw you you stole this and my brother's like no I didn't he's like open your jacket my brother opens his jacket he has it did he go to jail?

[2304] I have mine as well in my jacket in like the inside pocket and he says to me you open your jacket now he saw my brother steal it but I'm with him I'm also benefiting from the fact of you're both in these big jackets yeah but i'm in fifth grade he says open your jacket and when i opened my jacket i just folded over the edge of my jacket and opened it up and he goes okay are your parents at the mall and i said yes my mom is he said you go find her tell her he's in security so i now i leave and i am my heart rate said of course oh my god i'm like yeah whatever i'm 10 or 11 years old and i got this 200 dollar walk into my jacket my brother's been caught I get around the corner of 12 oaks malls on the second floor I sit down at a bench I take the Walkman out of my thing and I just set it on the bench and then I get up and then I run to find my mom.

[2305] You just left it there.

[2306] I was terrified to have it on me. Of course it was probably...

[2307] And I was like, oh my God, I got away with this.

[2308] I got to get this off me so I make sure I keep getting away with it.

[2309] Did you tell your mom?

[2310] That I had stolen one?

[2311] God no. Nor did my brother rat me out.

[2312] Years later, we admitted to them that I had gotten away with a really pricey one.

[2313] But you had to tell your mom that David's insecurity.

[2314] You know, she wasn't all that shocked.

[2315] She had a bad stealing record from her youth.

[2316] Sure.

[2317] She'll be happy to tell you about.

[2318] But, anywho, that was just one of many times.

[2319] Remember when you tried to steal a...

[2320] Oh, what?

[2321] The parking meter?

[2322] Yeah, parking meter.

[2323] Well, I didn't try.

[2324] I stole a parking meter.

[2325] I thought you couldn't get it out.

[2326] No, I fucking dug it out of the ground at like four in the morning, hammered.

[2327] And I drug it to my apartment.

[2328] And then I carried it upstairs.

[2329] and the base of it had it had to have 70 pounds of cement around it I get it up into my living room and I'm kind of like now what those things are impenetrable I finally go into the bedroom pass out and I wake up in the morning and Bree goes what is in the living room yeah also there's a mud trail directly from where you dug it drug dug it out to our door she had swept up the dirt off the stairs oh my gosh yeah that I blame that that one on inebriation.

[2330] Also, what did I, how much money did I?

[2331] I had convinced myself in that drunken state.

[2332] There was like $90 and quarters in there.

[2333] And that was worth that?

[2334] For sure.

[2335] Circa 96.

[2336] Poor, broke.

[2337] No prospects.

[2338] Hammered.

[2339] But not no prospects.

[2340] You had a nice girlfriend and a lot of grumblies.

[2341] Oh, boy, do we have grumblies.

[2342] Yeah.

[2343] We did steal a Christmas tree together.

[2344] You know that story too.

[2345] Very similar.

[2346] Yeah.

[2347] We're super hammered.

[2348] We decided we want a Christmas tree.

[2349] tree we noticed they were out in front of vans out left outdoors we go up there at three in the morning we put it in the car the door won't shut like we should have picked a smaller one but we wanted this kind of bigger one yeah so there's a christmas tree hanging out the back seat with the door wide open at three in the morning we drive all the way back to the apartment thank god we didn't get pulled over and then same thing we drug it up the stairs we go to bed we wake up the next morning we're pretty foggy on the night and then we're oh there's a christmas tree and then we go outside and yet needles all the way from the car what the door was still open too by the way Oh my God Neither of us shut the door Okay well there was a couple freebies Yeah there you go okay So again Tell us about untimely unauthorized evacuation In your pants while on the job or work Tell us about the most awkward moment You were interrupted mid -coitus Tell us about the craziest thing you've witnessed At a wedding or tell us about a time you stole something Get on it, get on our website Who you said was naked here we go i love you okay bye follow armchair expert on the wondery app amazon music or wherever you get your podcast you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry dot com slash survey