LIVE FROM LA: Thomas Middleditch

[0] Hello and welcome to armchair expert.

[1] Today is live from Los Angeles, home base for armchair expert.

[2] Old stomping ground.

[3] Current and old stomping grounds.

[4] We had a heck of a live show.

[5] Yeah.

[6] Oh, my goodness.

[7] It was star -studded and one of the funniest guests we've ever had, Thomas Middle Ditch.

[8] What a dream, Tom.

[9] He was a dream.

[10] I think we both fell head over heels in love with Thomas.

[11] Oh, yeah.

[12] I was kind of just staring at him longingly.

[13] Yeah, they were like, I had to cut out like five minutes.

[14] of silence because you're just staring.

[15] Well, in addition to a phenomenal guest, Tom's Middle Ditch, we also have two unique songs you'll hear.

[16] At the very beginning, Andrew Bird, is playing his single Sisyphus of his new record, my finest work yet, and that's out March 22nd.

[17] And then, at the end of the episode, the long anticipated unveiling of oopsies by Bob Murvac.

[18] Which you probably already heard on Bob's episode.

[19] You heard his first crack at it.

[20] Yep.

[21] And now you can hear the full symphonic experience.

[22] Yeah.

[23] And of course, Bob is our in -house resident musical genius.

[24] So stick around for that.

[25] It's a lot of fun.

[26] And that's available on iTunes, Apple Music, and all streaming platforms right now.

[27] So buckle up and enjoy live from Los Angeles.

[28] Wonderie Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now.

[29] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[30] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[31] all, thank you guys so much.

[32] So, so, so much.

[33] We sit in an attic as big as this piece of carpet.

[34] But until we come to something like this, it's just really hard to comprehend.

[35] And I think I speak for Monica and I when our hearts are fucking exploding.

[36] So thank you so much.

[37] I use my crutches tonight.

[38] I could have come out.

[39] I could have done it.

[40] I could have walked on this foot.

[41] I had surgery four to eight hours ago.

[42] And I'm going to tell you a really quick little story that will explain why I'm using the crutches.

[43] I one time cut my toe at home about eight years ago, and there was a fair amount of blood, not a ton of blood, but enough that it soiled about nine squares of toilet paper.

[44] And Kristen was at work, and I really wanted her to know that this tragedy had occurred in her absence.

[45] So I put the bloodstained toilet tissue on top of the trash can, like very meticulously, like art designed.

[46] Oh, she'll see that for sure.

[47] You can't miss that.

[48] She's going to be terrified what happened to me. And my sister was over, and she threw some trash on it.

[49] And then, so throughout the day I was panicked, like, someone's going to cover that up.

[50] So several different times throughout the day I went and removed trash so that that would be on top.

[51] And then Kristen came home and sat down on the commode if she does.

[52] She's a human, too.

[53] Angels poop.

[54] They do.

[55] They have to go.

[56] And I was just kind of hover.

[57] around the sink, like, how's your day?

[58] Mine was okay.

[59] Nothing.

[60] Not one thing.

[61] If I was like, boy, what do you think of that trash can next to you?

[62] She's like, oh yeah, it's a little bit of blood on the tissue.

[63] Did you position that so I would see it?

[64] And I was like, yeah, absolutely.

[65] She's like, do you need any help?

[66] No, I don't want any help.

[67] I hate being help, but I want you to feel bad for me. So suffice to say, I've used my crutches.

[68] I could have got by without them.

[69] But here we are.

[70] the procedure I had was to remove something in my third toe there was a very very tiny little critter that had adhered to one of my phalanjies and when they pulled her out I said isn't that the most beautiful little baby ever and her name's Monica Padman and I brought her tonight you guys there's a perfect 10 Charlie right there you guys if you look through that's where the perfect 10 is in the house there is yes I feel less than already also I feel obliged to point out that During the Christmas special, you had bought me a beautiful present, and I had not gotten you anything.

[71] A car.

[72] I bought you a car.

[73] A Ferrari FF.

[74] Yeah.

[75] But I had gotten this beautiful sweater for Monica that she was nice enough to wear.

[76] So you'll see there's cute little armcherrys on it.

[77] And then this is the kick -ass jacket that Robbie Rob.

[78] Yeah.

[79] So we're pretty well -outfitted.

[80] We look good.

[81] We have a uniquely talented guest tonight.

[82] Oh, yeah.

[83] Very funny gentleman.

[84] It's a man. If you're a fan of the program, and we are, Silicon Valley, he is the lead of that show.

[85] He is an Emmy -nominated actor.

[86] He also has you thinking about switching from AT &T to Verizon.

[87] Thomas Middleton.

[88] The tinkle of a...

[89] Of a tinkle?

[90] You know how gold.

[91] You know how gold, as my zippers are.

[92] Oh, sure, sure.

[93] You know how pure gold tinkles in the light.

[94] You're supposed to mention lazy boy.

[95] Thank you so much So as you guys can see We're horrendously comfortable Y 'all are not But We've been well appointed by the kind folks at Lazy Boy So thank you guys Thanks Lazy Boy Thanks Thomas for reminding us Thank you Thank you so much You got it I'm the king of just I'm the king of sponsorship You really are Thomas Middle Ditch With a gold zipper With a pure gold zipper Flame socks With hot dogs on them this, these are smores sucks.

[96] I think it's really important to do visual -based observation on a podcast.

[97] Yes.

[98] What I've got on are some pretty sweet socks that have a campfire and smores on them.

[99] I did think I'm a little injured.

[100] I'm injured as I've been talking about.

[101] I'm hoping everyone feels bad for me, and I thought I think you got a couple.

[102] I'm not going to be shooting bull's eye, so I better bring out a heavy hitter, Thomas Middletch, set the stage.

[103] Yeah.

[104] You do live shows.

[105] I do.

[106] You and a mutual friend.

[107] Yes, there's a young gentleman called Benjamin Schwartz.

[108] Ben Schwartz.

[109] Ben Schwartz.

[110] He's a very funny individual.

[111] He and I do two -person improv, you know, make -em -ups, goof -em -ups, goof -em -downs, silly town shows, where, yeah, we just go up, we get a suggestion when we perform for about an hour and a half for you.

[112] You're getting suggestions from the audience.

[113] Uh -huh.

[114] Locations, this kind of thing.

[115] No, we'll just get, well, we'll usually ask a question.

[116] We kind of want to get some kind of real answer, something from someone who's willing to shout it out.

[117] And we'll maybe ask a few follow -up questions and then just let that inspire the show.

[118] Sold out Carnegie Hall.

[119] So if you want to, if anyone's sitting there, be like, yeah, but is it good?

[120] I don't know, you fucking do the math.

[121] No, I would say you sell out Carnegie Hall, then tell me that it's not good, right?

[122] Exactly, exactly.

[123] I've also seen it and I can say that it's incredible.

[124] So if anyone gets the chance to see them...

[125] Should we bounce and go to that show?

[126] Can we get Ben out here and you guys just do improv?

[127] That'd be a better...

[128] He'd be a better guest.

[129] But, you know, I would say this is all in promotion of those shows, but you know what?

[130] You can't go because it's all fucking sold out, so who cares?

[131] Sorry.

[132] None of this matters.

[133] We don't need your help.

[134] Now, I was going to bring this question.

[135] I was going to bring this up later, but you look much different when you have facial hair.

[136] Oh, yeah.

[137] Some say better.

[138] Some say worse.

[139] Well, what does your wife say?

[140] That's probably most important.

[141] She's into it.

[142] She wants full beard.

[143] I say, I'll give you as much mustache as I can grow with a little bit of buffer in between.

[144] I love, I'm a big fan of the mustache buffer beard look.

[145] You wear it so well.

[146] And I say this with all sincerity.

[147] So, again, in preparation to this, I went down and I urge all of you to do so.

[148] I went down a Thomas Middle Ditch wormhole, rabbit hole on his Instagram page, which is, I have to maintain probably the funniest page in existence.

[149] That's silly.

[150] But it's a weird name, right?

[151] It's not, and I wrote it down.

[152] I could look, but you could tell me. Yeah, it's Tom Beanie, T -O -M -B -I -N -I -I -N -I.

[153] Why is it Tom Beanie?

[154] That's an old nickname that a friend of mine from middle school gave me, Tom Beanie.

[155] Tom Beanie Warrior, but I nixed the warrior because I felt that was like pretty presumptive.

[156] if I was like, I'm a warrior and anyone who would scroll through the theme would be like, you are most assuridly not, sir.

[157] Let me think that through.

[158] There has to be a period in history that you would have been a very tough warrior.

[159] I'm pretty, I'm badass online.

[160] You catch me online?

[161] You clap back, don't you?

[162] You clap the fuck back.

[163] Hell yeah.

[164] Shit, son.

[165] One of your characters just has a beanie on below the eyes and I guess you're promoting son you're going to be spinning somewhere.

[166] or something?

[167] Who's that guy?

[168] I don't even remember.

[169] Fuck, so many characters.

[170] You've forgotten more characters than I ever even created.

[171] A lot of them are brain farts.

[172] I've got to be honest.

[173] A lot of them are, I'll, like, it'll be something, and I'll put it out there, and then you're only seeing the ones that I don't immediately delete afterwards that I get too scared with, you know?

[174] But will you, like, see something, you see a guy, and you go like, oh, I think I could mimic that person, I'm going to do it right now.

[175] I don't know.

[176] Lately, I like darkness.

[177] lately.

[178] I like sadness and darkness.

[179] Great.

[180] Perfect.

[181] A lot of my characters are like, well you know, like I just I got home obviously I had to shoot my 12 dogs dead.

[182] Oh geez.

[183] Was one of them sick?

[184] No, well one of them was but you never know when they can contaminate the others.

[185] Okay.

[186] So just as a safety measure you culled the whole herd?

[187] Just gunned them down.

[188] You gunned them right down.

[189] Capone style.

[190] And just there's I just, this is a classic example of my classic characters dog killer guy when you go to or do you ever say can we get a suggestion on an animal that I could kill and then use work on that and then we'll do a full 90 but I will say when you're going through you employ these I guess they were Snapchat filters yeah yeah sometimes they'll do it to natch as they say in the biz oh fat naturals yeah big fatty natches by the way Thomas doesn't even listen to the show, and he's hip to fat natural.

[191] That should be a feather.

[192] Let me tell you something.

[193] I play a little pen and paper.

[194] I play a little D &D.

[195] I play little gurps.

[196] When you're rolling, in my cool -ass group, when you roll a 20, which is a critical hit, you call those big, fat natural crits.

[197] Fuck, yeah, you do.

[198] That's what we call them, because we're cool.

[199] And there's a lady in the group.

[200] That's right.

[201] She says it too.

[202] Is there really a lady here?

[203] Yeah, so it's sex positive.

[204] Okay.

[205] And she likes it.

[206] She likes it.

[207] She has to.

[208] Yeah.

[209] Otherwise, she'll be ejected from the group.

[210] That's right.

[211] Well, Monica was unfamiliar with the term as of about three months ago, and I had to walk her through what a euphemism is.

[212] It's a real nice expression.

[213] It's nothing negative about it.

[214] Are you kidding me?

[215] Well, you got the term naturals in there?

[216] We all like eating natural organic foods.

[217] Yeah, it's California.

[218] You also got BJJ's Big Juicy Jugs.

[219] a little bit more forward.

[220] That's great.

[221] That's more down the middle, yeah.

[222] That's not as organic as the previous one.

[223] No, that's just like, you like those BJJs?

[224] You got to get them.

[225] To use it in a sentence.

[226] And what is the country of origin?

[227] Good old US of A, baby.

[228] I was saying the word fat associated is not the most pleasant.

[229] No, no. You want to take this one?

[230] You want me to take it.

[231] I just, all I can say is when you're - Let Thomas take it.

[232] He's our guest.

[233] Because when you're talking about, uh, breasts.

[234] Burst.

[235] Burst.

[236] We're talking about bursts.

[237] Okay, sure, sure.

[238] You want them, you want them plump.

[239] You want them thick, tick.

[240] You want them fat.

[241] You want them, like, obese.

[242] You want these big, morbidly obese.

[243] Sprague, okay, okay.

[244] You don't want these, oh, man, I'm not eating cards today, tits.

[245] You don't want those.

[246] Okay.

[247] No. No, you want tits that reside at a sizzler.

[248] You want, I'll have the Guinness tints.

[249] All right.

[250] Yeah.

[251] You guys are lucky because we're going to have to cut all this out.

[252] That's right.

[253] We just lost ZipRecruiter.

[254] That's right.

[255] My ZipRecruiter.

[256] Bye -bye.

[257] Although they can help you find a set of fat naturals faster than any.

[258] They'll have fat naturals applying for your job.

[259] You won't be asking for fat naturals.

[260] they'll be knocking on your door, hey, want to work.

[261] Yeah.

[262] Fat naturals took our jobs.

[263] Builds the wall.

[264] Meandies also loves...

[265] Well, fuck, should I expose you this deeply?

[266] Sure.

[267] I don't know.

[268] So yesterday got a very exciting gift mail to the house from Meundies, and it was a bottom and upper set.

[269] Wine and cheese print.

[270] Guys, it's so cute.

[271] Yeah.

[272] It's so cute.

[273] Wine and cheese print.

[274] That's the print on it.

[275] A lot of healthy fats and cheese.

[276] A lot of healthy fats.

[277] Right.

[278] So Monica, you pair a little wine and cheese with these s'mores.

[279] You got yourself an evening, my friend.

[280] Oh, hell yeah.

[281] Just saying, keep an open mind.

[282] Okay, keeping it.

[283] It's open.

[284] If I walked into a room and saw those on the floor next to the wine and cheese, Dunger, under Dungerous, the unmentionables.

[285] You'd just be like, what a couple of dorks.

[286] What a pair.

[287] They're going to play D &D together.

[288] Look at these two art students.

[289] fumbling around in the dark.

[290] Well, Monica took one look at the upstairs, the top portion of the pair, and she said, not going to cover anything.

[291] Oh, why?

[292] Because they were too small and you're too big?

[293] That's why.

[294] They ate it sizzler.

[295] Yeah.

[296] This is exciting.

[297] I know I'm not supposed to be excited about that, but I can't stop smiling.

[298] This is an insight into the male brain.

[299] Just you kind of bragging about having tits.

[300] I'm like this is great.

[301] This is a great turn to the conversation.

[302] I'm uncontrollably happy about it.

[303] I'm here to please.

[304] That's my job here.

[305] It rules.

[306] It rules.

[307] It rules.

[308] Now do you, because I also have a predilection for the male form.

[309] I would be just as excited if there were a male here talking about his pecks, his hamstrings, trapezias, Letissimus majoris Testicles, scrotum Sure Do you like that too Because I genuinely love that I can appreciate definitely And when I see a hottie I'm gonna say it I'm gonna say something You're gonna cut What up dude Sick hammies Fuck hey stop sprinting brother I must admit I like that I like that sort of top man emaciated British school boy look Like that Oh yeah I have a friend Ford model he's got that look and he's just he's not English but he could be yeah and he'd be like oh no I forgot to take my heroin today and he's bored is he always bored what time is it never mind I don't care hey Todd how was the Super Bowl oh didn't watch it was too busy in the back getting my cock sats didn't even like it was with a guy and a girl whatever because he's so boring my fantasy.

[310] He's so bored with all of it.

[311] Yeah, but he's pretty open -minded.

[312] What do you think of the firework?

[313] And he just strums the guitar, but not looking at you.

[314] I don't like that.

[315] There's something uniquely uncomfortable about a musician playing in your home and staring into your eyes.

[316] This is something I do to Monica ad nauseam.

[317] You do this all the time.

[318] Zip raccoon.

[319] See, I'll go right down the fucking barrel, right in the pipe.

[320] I don't care if they can.

[321] Catch me in on the lens?

[322] Give her the juice.

[323] I got you.

[324] It's very unsettling.

[325] Sincerely, though, do you, when you were younger, did you love guys with muscles and movies and stuff?

[326] Because I couldn't get enough.

[327] 100%.

[328] It's weird that you say that because it was my, like, obsession.

[329] Was it?

[330] Yeah.

[331] As a thin man. As a skinny boy.

[332] I was such a thin man. Thinman, yes, yes.

[333] My dad, English.

[334] My dad.

[335] My daddy.

[336] or dear old fucking dad me puppy he would be like Tom you want a milkshake well hold on time up for one second okay let's pause I mean don't get into the story just yet unload the pistol for half a second and real life Tom is from Canada which is our friendly neighbor to the north no one seems to be worried about putting a fence between us but that's neither here nor there small town Nelson is going to be a real fucking right on fence though but this fence is going to be cake ass eh just out for a rip or you bud.

[337] Yeah.

[338] So from Nelson, which is a tiny mining town.

[339] It turned hippie town.

[340] But with draft Dodgers, which is unique.

[341] Yeah.

[342] In the 60s, they came up and said, we're going to make this place far out, dude.

[343] And they fucking succeeded.

[344] Hell yeah.

[345] You can't get a better sprout sandwich north of Montana than in Nelson.

[346] Now you're going to get just a ton of hemp sweaters.

[347] They're not comfortable hemp sweat.

[348] I don't care how good they are for the environment.

[349] Yeah, I'm super enthusiastic about the philosophy behind him, but just don't make me look like someone who sells beads.

[350] Right.

[351] It makes for a great rope if you're a nautical person.

[352] Bro, if you're into ropes?

[353] Bro, you're into ropes?

[354] You fucking like ropes?

[355] Bro.

[356] You didn't know that we both like comedy, but ropes?

[357] Yeah.

[358] And muscles?

[359] Okay, so in real life, Thomas's parents are British, which I'm curious about, but I won't interrupt further.

[360] I just want you to know that when he talks like a British person, this is legit.

[361] Continue Where was it?

[362] Thinman.

[363] Thinman.

[364] I was so picky, such a picky eater, I wouldn't touch anything, and I was wasting away.

[365] And my dad would be like, you want a milkshake, Tom?

[366] And I'd be like, yeah, oh, man, my holdout worked, sucker, you fucking idiot.

[367] Walked right into this.

[368] Oh, man, I knew if I only ate macaroni every day, I'd get a milkshake, you bitch.

[369] Little did I know.

[370] Years later, I find out this milkshake had protein powder and raw eggs in it.

[371] And butter.

[372] Wow.

[373] It was like ice cream butter.

[374] Like, anything.

[375] He was just so desperate to put weight on me. Did they taste horrible?

[376] No, it was awesome.

[377] I was like, oh, what a sucker.

[378] Like, I had a curly straw and everything.

[379] Like, uh -huh, like, feet up.

[380] Saved by the bell?

[381] Hell yeah, dude.

[382] Oh, great segue.

[383] Zach Morris, what a physique.

[384] Oh, yeah.

[385] Those kids in high school were fucking jacked.

[386] Dude, all of them.

[387] All of them are hot.

[388] The other one is now on, he's a very nice.

[389] gentleman.

[390] Mario Lopez was a haughty.

[391] E. C. Slater, yeah.

[392] He was the hunk.

[393] He was the wrestler.

[394] He was on the wrestling team, which meant steroids.

[395] What I just said.

[396] Yeah.

[397] So no one in my high school looked like that, right?

[398] No. No. No. No. I think in high school, if you're jacked, you're still kind of like...

[399] You used to have a hairy dick.

[400] Like, that makes you...

[401] That guy's fucking jacked.

[402] It's just...

[403] You're just notice he has a lot of hair in the locker room.

[404] That's funny.

[405] I went too far.

[406] I'm so sorry.

[407] No, but I checked it with my...

[408] And she looked at me like, that, no one wants to make sense.

[409] I don't know.

[410] But I will say it's so funny, teenage boys are such turds.

[411] Like, in middle school, I remember everyone is so utterly homophobic.

[412] You know, gay is the biggest insult of all time.

[413] You were even gay if you jacked off.

[414] Because you're touching a dick.

[415] Oh, wow.

[416] Oh, my God.

[417] The logic kind of holds.

[418] It's like, what is it?

[419] How is it?

[420] The logic holds.

[421] Yeah, you're right.

[422] What's so funny, I'm going to tell a really embarrassing story.

[423] The very first time I masturbated, this kid, it was basically Inception.

[424] Let's see, you're peeling your socks down a little bit.

[425] We were walking down the road in Highland, Michigan, and this was, this friend of mine was a dirt road kid.

[426] He's kind of a rougher, he's a dirty kid.

[427] And to your point, the worst thing you could be was, you know, you're, you're, you're, you were a girl and then just worse than that was you were a fag, which is horrendous in this great documentary of the mass we live in, everyone should watch it.

[428] It really explores that and I certainly was the product of that, like that.

[429] I lived in fear of being called one of those two things.

[430] Yeah.

[431] But anyways, we're walking down the road and I don't know why he says this.

[432] It's very telling about him when I think about it.

[433] He goes, you've noticed those like fucking gay underwear models, like always have Vaseline on their underwear from jerking off.

[434] And I was like, what?

[435] There was so much to unpack.

[436] It was like, What underwear models?

[437] Yeah.

[438] What underwear models?

[439] And why are they hiring gay underwear models?

[440] And why are they letting photos get through where there's Vaseline grease on the photos?

[441] This doesn't even matter.

[442] And how does he know it's Vaseline?

[443] That's so wet.

[444] That's where this story is going.

[445] Oh, boy.

[446] So, you know, a smarter kid, more evolved kid would have been called bullshit on the whole story.

[447] But endless.

[448] No, you're too scared at that point.

[449] You're just like, ha, yeah, man. That's all you say.

[450] Exactly.

[451] Exactly.

[452] Yeah, that is weird.

[453] I'm not an underwear model.

[454] Yeah, you're right.

[455] You're just trying to not get ensnared in whatever these other guys are.

[456] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[457] I'm at my father's house the following weekend, and I'm rummaging through his dresser for some reason.

[458] He's out.

[459] And I come across the most attractive jar of Vaseline I've ever seen.

[460] It was a half gallon of Vaseline.

[461] Sweetie jar.

[462] And I, like, heard if it was a movie, we would have actually flashed back, and I would have seen his face going, gay guys jerking off with Vaseline in their underwear and up to that point I didn't even know what jerking off was I wasn't aware of any of it and I thought well okay and I put some on and I start I'm in my father's bedroom the door's wide open you know standing standing sitting like a standing lean on the bed I've not committed to sitting just kind of like yeah taking some weight off I guess yeah yeah yeah I'm going to town at it And I don't even know enough to be fantasizing about anything.

[463] I'm just going through the mechanics of stroking my penis with this Vaseline.

[464] Which is the very gay thing to do.

[465] It's the gayest.

[466] And as it's, I'm doing it, and then all of a sudden, something very confusing starts happening.

[467] I get very scared.

[468] I think I'm dying.

[469] Yeah.

[470] Did you 100 % thought?

[471] I didn't let it finish.

[472] Me neither.

[473] Me neither.

[474] I'm like, oh, that's, let's clean.

[475] up, you almost died.

[476] Yeah.

[477] I thought I...

[478] Which you deserve because you're being gay.

[479] Yeah, I thought I broke it.

[480] Yes.

[481] I was like just in a shame tornado.

[482] I fucking shoved probably in the wrong drawer.

[483] My dad was probably like, where's my Vaseline?

[484] Who's been using my Vaseline?

[485] Stay tuned for more live show after this exciting commercial break.

[486] We've all been there.

[487] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose.

[488] are inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[489] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[490] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[491] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[492] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[493] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[494] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[495] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon music.

[496] What's up, guys?

[497] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[498] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[499] And I don't mean just friends.

[500] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[501] The list goes on.

[502] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[503] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[504] Thinking of your dirt road friend as it was happening, though?

[505] Because Vaseline by association, were you just like picturing that time along the dirt road?

[506] Once I got convinced I was dying and that this was punishment for being gay and weird, I did think of him.

[507] I thought, oh, this is why he was warning me against this.

[508] But then I'll say about a week went by, and I want to know if this was your experience, about a week goes by, and I'm like kind of replaying the whole near -death experience.

[509] And I'm like, you know, but it kind of felt good.

[510] Like right before I was going to die, I think that felt good.

[511] Just before I broke my dick, I was pretty happy about it.

[512] So the next time I was over at his house, a couple weeks later, I had at that thing of Vaseline again, and I went all the fucking way.

[513] And then I went all the way as often as possible.

[514] And felt terrible shame about it for a year.

[515] Did you feel bad about it?

[516] No, I just sort of was like, better keep this quiet, dude.

[517] It's between me and you.

[518] Like, just don't tell anybody.

[519] Just mum's the word on this.

[520] My pal.

[521] I will say this.

[522] The second time, officially, that I did it, and it actually happened, it was great.

[523] Okay, I was in the shower.

[524] Oh.

[525] And...

[526] A conditioner?

[527] Uh, I did shampoo.

[528] Okay.

[529] You find out the hard way that can make it burn when you pee later.

[530] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[531] Well, it was very interesting.

[532] So, you know, when a male's penis is done coughing.

[533] Okay.

[534] Coughing up flim.

[535] Clearing its, clear in its proverbial throat.

[536] It's still kind of like takes a minute to like relax, right?

[537] Especially when you're 11 and 12.

[538] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[539] It doesn't know that it's done.

[540] Yeah, so it's sort of hanging out there and I was like, oh, I have to pee now.

[541] Okay.

[542] And I don't know why I did this, but I was like sort of just stood, stood up and looking down at my penis as I peed.

[543] And then for, I like, you know, it's still half boner and I flexed as I peed.

[544] and my dick pointed at my face, and I just so happened to have my mouth open.

[545] Oh, right!

[546] No!

[547] And I peed, I peed directly into my mouth.

[548] Yeah, you did.

[549] Wow.

[550] And that was a good follow -up to, oh, my God, did I die before?

[551] I'm like, well, I've certainly poisoned myself now.

[552] Sure, sure.

[553] Ironically, is straight as shit.

[554] Yeah.

[555] I'm fucking whizzing in your mouth that's straight as hell.

[556] Hell yeah, dude.

[557] Now, I'm going to go even deeper on this.

[558] Oh.

[559] We have about 30 seconds of arable material, I'm just going to say.

[560] I think Vital Farms will be all for this.

[561] You want to talk about pasture race.

[562] This is fucking free range.

[563] Indeed, yeah.

[564] But, again, and this is very revealing, I was doing that for quite a while, and nothing was coming out.

[565] What?

[566] What do you mean?

[567] I did it before I was producing semen.

[568] Seamen.

[569] Seamen.

[570] What age?

[571] Wait.

[572] Sixth grade, 11, 12 years old.

[573] But I'm having an orgasm.

[574] I later find out it's supposed to be accompanied by some fluid.

[575] Yeah.

[576] I get very insecure about that.

[577] I'm convinced mine's broken, but of course I'm not possibly going to tell my father or my brother, hey, I'm reaching climax, but nothing's coming out.

[578] Have you guys been there?

[579] Can you walk me through this?

[580] So I just kind of lived in terror for about six months and I will not forget the first time you made the milk.

[581] I made a mess.

[582] And the relief that followed was like, oh my goodness.

[583] And I was just having at it.

[584] Monica, I'm so we'll be all over this really quick.

[585] We're almost there.

[586] You know our audience is 98 % female, right?

[587] Yeah.

[588] I think it's educational.

[589] It is, actually.

[590] I am learning.

[591] Early hand jobs, women would, like, this happened multiple times where they try and put their thumb or their finger in my urethro.

[592] Like they try and bang me and I was like, don't.

[593] Don't do that.

[594] And one claimed to have a previous guy like it.

[595] And I was like, I'm fucking lying.

[596] So, see, there's tips for the ladies in here too.

[597] Thank you.

[598] Thank you.

[599] Thank you so much.

[600] You had an older brother as well.

[601] We could have been guided through this without all this guesswork.

[602] Not my brother, no. How much older was your brother than you?

[603] He was about six years older.

[604] Okay, similar, five.

[605] Yeah.

[606] So he just hated your guts most of the time, right?

[607] We weren't pals.

[608] I had the fortune of being a tease and stuff at school, and then I would come home and then get it once more.

[609] Yeah.

[610] But was he also protective of you?

[611] Because my brother would spend most of his day kicking my ass, but if he'd catch wind that someone else did, That was his ass to be.

[612] But I didn't know about that.

[613] Only later on in my 20s did he and I sort of bury the hatchet.

[614] And I found out a couple things.

[615] One, he referenced a very specific memory where I was getting kind of teased by a boy and his older brother, and they were threatening to beat me up.

[616] And then I came home crying one day, and he went and sought out the big boy and told him, if you ever touch him, I'm going to kill you.

[617] And I was like, I wish you told me that.

[618] I would have liked you.

[619] Yeah.

[620] I would have even loved you.

[621] And then also I found out that the one time when we all went to Disneyland when I was in, I think maybe fifth grade or something, and he was however...

[622] All the way from Canada.

[623] Yeah.

[624] Yeah, yeah.

[625] Came down here for the dream, man. We had the Disney Channel.

[626] I was like, man, Mickey's my guy right here.

[627] But I had just like a fun time, medieval times, all that kind of stuff.

[628] I did not know that he and his buddy were on acid pretty much the entire time.

[629] Oh, wow.

[630] Wow.

[631] Like, full -blown, tripping balls, and he has the one story of, like, okay, we were in line for the Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

[632] And my friend Mike, his friend Mike, I should say, I don't know why I've suddenly taken the first person on my brother.

[633] His friend Mike saw this big, juicy jack guy with all the pecks and the biceps and all the mousasas.

[634] Yeah, and the trapeas.

[635] Mike was convinced that if he poked this man, he would pop.

[636] Oh.

[637] Oh, wow.

[638] Oh, wow.

[639] And he's telling me this, I'm like, what do you, I had no idea.

[640] And apparently, just as about, they're about to get on Mr. Toll's Wild Ride as they are soaring on acid.

[641] Mike pops the big muscle guy who's like, hey, what the fuck?

[642] Like, gets so mad.

[643] And they jump onto the Mr. Toll's Wild Ride.

[644] And if you've ever been on Mr. Toll's Wild Ride, it is an acid trip.

[645] I can only imagine.

[646] In hindsight, I'm like, I got to.

[647] follow with my brother Switz.

[648] Yeah.

[649] It's so weird as I'm long -term sober 14 years, boring, I know, yawn.

[650] But I was...

[651] Yeah, don't applaud it.

[652] Sounds like a drag.

[653] Quitter.

[654] But it's funny because I took my daughter to Disneyland, and we were on Pirates of the Caribbean, and I was on that ride, and I thought to myself, I love being sober.

[655] I'm going to be sober my whole life.

[656] And yet I will not leave this planet without doing shrooms on this ride.

[657] Yeah.

[658] So, I don't know how to make peace with that.

[659] I don't know what my sponsor would say, but I'll tell you this, I will not be in a coffin without having had that experience.

[660] And I'm going to dice over, so.

[661] Oh, interesting.

[662] I'm, I'm now just in my 30s being like, I should try drugs.

[663] So I was, I was really curious about your, you know, because again, I said this at the top, but I'm very sincere in this.

[664] I knew who you were, but I really consumed everything of yours in the last, like, 72 hours since the surgery.

[665] I watched, like, all of Silicon Valley.

[666] I cannot believe how fucking good you are on that show.

[667] Thank you.

[668] So good.

[669] You're so incredible because there's so many opportunities for you to mug and be goofy and be broad and all these.

[670] And you fucking stay in your lane the whole time.

[671] And also has to be really hard to watch, to be, for lack of a better term, the straight man on that show.

[672] Right?

[673] I mean, you're at an orgy running sound.

[674] Like, everyone else gets to be a buffoon, and you got to.

[675] just stay the course and it's really admirable to do it in a way and then still find your moments um it's i'm i'm fucking huge fan of your acting i hope i mean it's them you've been nominated i'm the first person telling you this but i hope that you know you recognize and you're fantastic in every way thank you so much um but when as i'm falling in love with you over the last few days i'm like i want you to be a drug addict because i like now i I like you.

[676] You know what I'm saying?

[677] I want you to be a pervert, which I've now discovered you are.

[678] I am.

[679] Check.

[680] Oh, there's a whole secret realm to that.

[681] I don't know.

[682] We'll be discussing publicly.

[683] I want to have things in common with you.

[684] This is my like condition in life, which to a fault.

[685] I like project a lot and I want to have the same things.

[686] But I'm looking at you and I also learned that you, which is the most epic thing in the world, you were a comedian on a cruise ship for four months.

[687] Yeah.

[688] So my first thought was you put 24 year old me on a cruise as a comedian.

[689] I'm drunk the whole time, and I'm definitely getting calling people's rooms.

[690] Yeah.

[691] Male and female.

[692] I wish it was that max level, but it was interesting.

[693] Please.

[694] This was okay.

[695] I hope I don't get the various parties in trouble or anything, but like, you know, I don't know.

[696] You're at sea for four months.

[697] That was our contract, four months.

[698] Everybody else had longer.

[699] had like the Cush contract where we were...

[700] Because you were with Second City, right?

[701] So you kind of started and elevated.

[702] The Asian Cruise Lines hired Second City on as like entertainers as one of their many acts that you could see in their crazy big theater on the floating hotel.

[703] And you can't, it's weird.

[704] I always described it as a luxury prison in the sense that like, it's nice.

[705] And this is before I'd ever been on set.

[706] So I was like, you mean I can go upstairs and get crapes whenever I want?

[707] You know?

[708] That's like, it's like I judge luxury by.

[709] how many crepes I can.

[710] Absolutely.

[711] And that was unlimited.

[712] And did they have the room service at night that you could order sandwiches and shit?

[713] Kind of, not really.

[714] We were in the passengers' quarters.

[715] We were in the officer's quarters, like, down below.

[716] There's a whole other world.

[717] There were a couple rules.

[718] Like, one, don't get, don't have sex of the passengers and don't do drugs.

[719] But it's more should just be, say, don't get caught having sex of the passengers and don't get caught doing drugs.

[720] That's right.

[721] Well, we had a, this was like the flagship, the time.

[722] So, security was actually pretty tight.

[723] So then, this, oh, God, this is, is this too revealing?

[724] Never.

[725] No, I just like, is this gross to talk about or like, cool?

[726] Is this gross to talk about?

[727] Remember what we just talked about for 10 minutes?

[728] This makes me look a little bit more electricist.

[729] I don't know, maybe not.

[730] I mean, all the, the weird part is, like, you just don't have, you just don't hook up, I guess, like, on the cruise ship.

[731] So then what would happen is, I'd be, you know, You do these ships for, you do these crews for a week, right?

[732] Each thing is a week.

[733] And it was interesting.

[734] Let me paint the picture in the sense that we're porting out of New York.

[735] And for the first half the cruise, like for the first two months, the destination is like Bermuda, Bahamas, stuff like that.

[736] Well, what's interesting is you're anonymous before the show.

[737] Then you do the show.

[738] Everybody knows you.

[739] And then at that point, just is just very random fact, I had done a little internet short about chicken McNuggets that got picked up to be full -blown McDonald's commercial.

[740] It went by and they bought it.

[741] Yeah.

[742] It's me and a friend going, I'm into Nuggets, y 'all.

[743] I'm into Nuggets, y 'all.

[744] That's what it is.

[745] I currently don't endorse McDonald's.

[746] I think they're a terrible corporation.

[747] Wow.

[748] But at that point, I was like, I like Nuggets.

[749] Why not?

[750] Ignorance is bliss.

[751] And so as that's happening, people are like, holy shit, Second City.

[752] Oh, my God.

[753] The McNuggets guy.

[754] That's a panty dropper.

[755] Yes.

[756] So, and these people, these people, wild.

[757] These teens are getting caught fingering each other on the teen disco.

[758] Stabotterous.

[759] Well, yes, that's also relevant to this story, is that people are behaving their most liberated self, like they run spring break.

[760] But it's not too crazy.

[761] I'm building up to something that's quite underwhelming in the sense that, like...

[762] Well, no, you killed a guy.

[763] I think that delivers...

[764] Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[765] Before I had sex with them.

[766] Don't worry, it was before.

[767] Um, and then, no, it's just like, uh, you know, getting online and they get a MySpace message and someone's like, hey, thought you're really funny.

[768] Let me know if you're in New York and I'm as it just so happens, I'm in New York every single week.

[769] And then I'll come meet you.

[770] But I remember saying like, just so you know, I've been at sea for a long time and I'll be after something in particular.

[771] Thinking like, thinking like at this point, I need, I was like, it, I wasn't vibing with anyone.

[772] So I was like, I got to get it.

[773] Yes.

[774] And I found that was a, that was just, discovery where it turns out you can be very forward and people are okay with it sometimes.

[775] Well, people love their sailors.

[776] They always, is a part of, like, it feels patriotic to service a sailor.

[777] For your country.

[778] Thank you for your service.

[779] Thank you for your service.

[780] Thank you so much for your service.

[781] I think it's, I think it's interesting, guys are, guys are learning all, that we get a new lesson every 10 years or something.

[782] Like, back then, I had to learn to like not be so timid and to like essentially say it to a woman, be like, would you, do you want to?

[783] And now I'm, it's like, that is not what you're supposed to say.

[784] And so I'm scared of speaking to women now.

[785] But that's okay.

[786] I think that's important.

[787] It's our turn to shut the fuck up as we talk.

[788] But you are allowed to say, do you want to?

[789] Huh?

[790] You're allowed to say, do you want to?

[791] Yeah.

[792] No, it is.

[793] But you have, yeah, I think you have to, well.

[794] It's different.

[795] It's changing.

[796] You can say, do you want to?

[797] I guess it's all about execution.

[798] Like, you gotta say, do you want to.

[799] in like a chill -ass way because if you like, if you say like hey sweetie you know and you're, I also think it matters and this is gross, I think it matters what you look like.

[800] I think if you say do you want to and you're like an older, weirder looking dude, everyone's going to be like, don't everything I can touch me, I'm going to blow you up, you're dead, you're going to die.

[801] Yes.

[802] But if you're Hottie McTana you can say do you want.

[803] No one really wants to talk about it, but there seems to be some correlates.

[804] but there's certain guys that have a gross ownership over it's no brett pit stories or bradley cooper stories i don't know that's something tells me like if you're fucking a solid 10 everyone's happening maybe he's a gentleman maybe he's a gentleman there's a lot of dudes to have a weird sort of this is owed to me kind of mentality you see it in the hyperversion with that kind of with that unfortunate man who did unfortunate things Santa Barbara like ran this folks over and his like monologues yeah his sort of like I'm a great guy these women should be falling over to meet with me and you're like just by saying that, you've disqualified yourself by being a good guy.

[805] I'm so intelligent and all these women are so stupid.

[806] You're like, no, that's wrong.

[807] You're not doing it right.

[808] Yeah, it's this white male entitlement.

[809] That's why those shooters are all white.

[810] They're like, I'm supposed to be the president of the United States.

[811] My mom said I could be.

[812] Now I got to, I didn't go to college, but fuck that.

[813] You know, like, there's, I deserve women.

[814] Yeah, we think.

[815] And a limo.

[816] Yeah.

[817] And a helicopter.

[818] And as much macaroni.

[819] and cheese as I can eat.

[820] And milkshakes without eggs in them, Dad.

[821] Milkshakes, hold the egg, Dad.

[822] Anywho, you're back on that cruise ship and you would say to people, look, I've really been on at sea for some time now.

[823] Yeah.

[824] And I'm lonely.

[825] And the sea's a lonely place.

[826] It can be.

[827] I was barking up a couple trees and I still hadn't mastered it yet, so I was getting a couple nose.

[828] And then Missavailable came along.

[829] I said, yes, please.

[830] Let's.

[831] Okay, but this is now where I'm going to get serious and then hopefully we'll put a real spin on this and then it'll excuse all the terrible misogyny we just walked through to get here.

[832] I just feel like I've scummed it up a little bit.

[833] I'm sorry if I did.

[834] I apologize.

[835] So, you got picked on a lot as a kid up in Nelson.

[836] Sure.

[837] Yeah, you had kind of a rough go of it.

[838] I watched you on Sam Jones and I found myself getting very emotionally.

[839] You had a rough go of it, right?

[840] is a tough one.

[841] And you were a loner.

[842] Yeah.

[843] And then you had this weird thing, too, in high school where, like, you wanted to be friends with all the groups, which kind of meant you weren't truly friends with any specific group.

[844] Yes.

[845] And then you had this weird thing that if you introduced girls to this mix, it was going to alienate you somehow from any one of these groups.

[846] Am I right?

[847] So you were girl crazy, and yet you didn't allow yourself to be with girls because of your fear of social ostracization.

[848] Austraization?

[849] Yeah, ostracization.

[850] Ascash.

[851] Ashkash, baguash.

[852] Okay.

[853] So when I heard your story, and I heard that that was your experience in grade school, and one story in particular is pretty heartbreaking about two dudes you were friends with who basically just out of boredom decided, let's turn on Tom.

[854] And that was a very scarring bummer of a situation, and I think a lot of us can relate to that.

[855] Did you, like myself, think if I can get one of these girls that I've assessed as being much higher status than me and much prettier, than me, that if that person likes me, maybe I'll like me. Maybe I'll think I'm worthy.

[856] Ooh.

[857] You mean, like, in, like, the next, in, like, 20s, Tom or back in school time?

[858] 20s, Tom.

[859] Like, when you actually were able to, like, talk to girls and be kind of confident, and you had the skill set of being funny.

[860] I don't think it was, no, it wasn't like, oh, this is going to make me whole or anything.

[861] Well, it honestly felt like scrambling for last time.

[862] To me, I was like, oh man, you mean I had this like secret power of being funny and it could have been used to kiss?

[863] What the fuck was I doing?

[864] Uh -huh.

[865] And then I can go on stage and I don't even have to do anything.

[866] I can get off stage and a girl will talk to me. Yeah.

[867] That's craziness.

[868] And so for me I was just like the part of that was like I'm just having a good time like I admittedly being a little bit reckless of it.

[869] And I suppose the darker elements of it were just because, you know, I'm prone to, well, less nowadays, but it was prone to a fair bit of self -destructive, a bit of sadness and stuff, and just sort of being like, well, this is going to be a weird situation.

[870] I could say no and then feel good about it the next day, but I'm going to say yes, and dive in their head first and have like just a strange encounter and if it gets weird and sad, like, that's part of it.

[871] And I'll listen to Elliot Smith on the way home.

[872] Like that kind of thing.

[873] You know, I was a little troubled that you'll listen to Elliot Smith like daily for you.

[874] I still do.

[875] Yeah, I love I just, it's, I can't imagine there's a therapist in America that would have that as part of a wellness program.

[876] Oh, he's beautiful.

[877] He's a very beautiful, very, very beautiful, but let's just maybe once a week that.

[878] Maybe.

[879] Maybe.

[880] But do you think that you had what would be clinical depression?

[881] Perhaps, I don't know, it's certainly never diagnosed.

[882] Let me ask a more specific question.

[883] Yeah.

[884] Is it weird, to have an identity and a self -image who you think you are in high school and middle school and all that and then enter the world and then all of a sudden start being kind of attractive to people does it make you feel either a fraudulent or be distrustful of the people?

[885] No, no, that was not my reaction my reaction was like, thank fucking God.

[886] Bring it.

[887] Yeah, this is great.

[888] Yeah.

[889] But I guess I was just always a very brooding person.

[890] As soon as Teendom hit and all the hormones thing and puberty and everything i just got there was just these days where nothing else mattered you know it was just like i fucking hate this i'm so sad i can't tell you why i'm just bummed but then the the the always the trick of it was where i wasn't you're not allowed to be if you're the funny boy you can't you're not allowed to be sad that's not fun well especially if you assess that your value proposition to people is that you make them happy and they smile that's the value that's the value the value the value the value in society is like I have to make people laugh otherwise like I got nothing I'm back to back to being alone in the cafeteria yeah and and just Tom being Tom is not enough the those fears are I think lesson and lessen as time goes on and I think what the one of the benefits about being in your 30s is like you just chill out about a ton of stuff yeah and you're like oh I like myself pretty much pretty much yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean I still hate myself pretty often but oh okay oh okay Okay.

[891] No, the percentage is way, way down.

[892] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[893] It goes down, and you also get different worries.

[894] You have different fears and worries to think about.

[895] It's Hollywood is a strange, strange business that is never a secure thing.

[896] Oh, it's so hard to run your own race.

[897] It's so hard to be like, oh, hey, best friend.

[898] Oh, you got that thing that I really wanted?

[899] Cool.

[900] I'm so happy for you.

[901] Like, that's so cool.

[902] I'm so happy for you.

[903] And you are, but you also want them to melt so you can have it.

[904] Yes, yes.

[905] It's so weird, and I don't like that.

[906] That turns, I don't like those, I don't like those ceilings.

[907] Those aren't nice ones.

[908] And before you were, because you had, I mean, not a crazy long journey to gaining full employment, but you certainly, you left Canada, you found yourself in Chicago, and you did Second City and I -O, and then you went on this cruise ship, and then you got to audition for S &L, your first week onto the cruise ship, he had to beg to get himself off the cruise ship.

[909] They must have thought you were the most obnoxious.

[910] shit, right?

[911] Like, you need to get off of them.

[912] That is a very arrogant thing to do.

[913] Yeah, so as I say, four months on the cruise ship, and the first week we start, we're even just having the orientation.

[914] I find out that, like, Lauren Michaels and crew are coming to Chicago to, like, check people out to see if they maybe want to test them for SNL.

[915] And that is like comedy gold medal.

[916] Like, even regardless of what you think about the show, is it funny or not or whatever, it's just like such a cultural thing.

[917] And if you get on, you're like, I won.

[918] Like, I beat everybody somehow.

[919] or were you singularly aimed at SNL?

[920] Yes, at one point.

[921] Initially, I wanted to, being from Canada, I saw kids in the hall, they were the holy grail.

[922] So initially I wanted to try and meet people to just form a sketch comedy group.

[923] Okay.

[924] But then when I moved from Toronto to Chicago, I was like, you know, this is obviously like 22, 23 -year -old confidence being like, all right, so in about six months I'll be on main stage and then like a year or SNL I'll probably be the youngest cast member and then when that wasn't happening I was like okay maybe I'll take this cruise ship gig and actually was maybe I was maybe going to go back to Canada after the cruise ship and kind of do something else right you wanted to be a chef or something bizarre what were you going to do I wanted to cook human meat I just wanted to cook human meat and start a human meat restaurant sure it was always a dream of mine it's the only ethically raised meat yeah yeah the world's most dangerous prey and then so yeah so caught wind that I was going to happen and I had a good feeling that I would at least be in one of the shows that they would have seen or something so I was like oh man I should be there I should be there causing a big stink and it's like that's the most attractive thing to have in front of you as like a 20 something being like I'm gonna I should be on SNL and like you should fly me from this cruise ship right now that's like cool man can't wait to be your castmate for four fucking months yeah oh I would have hated you yeah I would have hated your guts yeah But I flew out from Bermuda, went up there, did the shows, and then went back on the cruise ship, and then met, like, Seth Myers and a couple of the producers on New York.

[925] You weirdly look like a little bit, right?

[926] We agree.

[927] We all agree?

[928] I don't, you know.

[929] What a long white face.

[930] Milky, beautiful.

[931] Very, extremely handsome.

[932] Eyes you find yourself falling backwards into.

[933] When will these eyes stop?

[934] They just won't stop.

[935] I can't wait to see your trapeze.

[936] is.

[937] So you did audition.

[938] I ended up auditioning.

[939] And you had a good audition.

[940] Yeah.

[941] But, spoiler alert, you did not get Serent Live.

[942] Didn't get it.

[943] Now, after you found out that you didn't get it, when you were regrouping, did you think, okay, well, I'll just go act in L .A. I'll start auditioning.

[944] What did you?

[945] The next, this is actually, I think, a really good example, the serendipity of Hollywood, potentially, or maybe like art forms, I suppose, is so I had an extra day.

[946] So because I got an SNL audition, I got suddenly a new fancy agent was interested me. So now I got a new agent.

[947] And in order to prove that he's a great agent and he can do things for me, he sets up what are known as generals.

[948] So general meetings where you go meet, maybe some casting directors, directors, whatever.

[949] I just met casting directors of ABC, Fox, and CBS.

[950] on my day off waiting for the cruise ship after I'd had just audition for SNL.

[951] And in my little kit of character costumes, I have a little skateboard helmet.

[952] And so, like, I'm just me, and I'm walking around to all these different places.

[953] I got my little bag, I got my skateboard helmet, ready for when the ship comes in to go back and do cruise ship comedy for the, oh my God, fuck it's second city.

[954] And for some reason, I don't know why I had this amount of confidence.

[955] This is very unlike me. They were, on these meetings, are like, why do you have the skateboard helmet?

[956] Are you skateboarding around?

[957] I'm like, oh, no, I did this.

[958] I just tested Estenelle.

[959] Do you want me to do my characters and impressions for you?

[960] What am I doing?

[961] I offered to do my escenologist for these casting directors, which in hindsight, could have been so awkward.

[962] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[963] That is like, I would not recommend doing that.

[964] If there was a younger actor being like, should I do my characters and impressions for casting directors?

[965] I'd be like, no, don't.

[966] That is a terrible idea.

[967] Because when it goes south, it's going to be about five long minutes of it going south.

[968] It's just me and someone else.

[969] And you're in a skateboard helmet.

[970] Yeah.

[971] You brought props and stuff.

[972] Yeah, I brought props.

[973] Yeah.

[974] Like, we all know and love Will Ferron now, but you imagine him being in your office doing that cat thing.

[975] It's licking him for, until you break.

[976] Yeah.

[977] And that could be your last meeting with that person.

[978] Yeah.

[979] And it could have just been like, all right, man. I don't have to see you again.

[980] Yeah.

[981] But it worked.

[982] But it just so happened.

[983] I got this in the biz.

[984] You can get these things called holding deals, which was when pilot season rolls around a network will kind of call dibs on you.

[985] And that just happened.

[986] And they'll give you a little bit of cheddar.

[987] Yeah, they give you some cheddar.

[988] And I was like, okay, I guess I'm doing that now.

[989] And then I went from the cruise ship to New York and did that.

[990] And then commercials and then finally out here.

[991] Yeah, so the period, the period, no, no, it was interesting.

[992] Oh, God damn you.

[993] In the period between that holding deal and Silicon Valley, how many years is that for?

[994] Something like that.

[995] Four years.

[996] And you did a pilot or two, yeah?

[997] No. Oh, this is a great.

[998] another great so it's like how can you plan that right like that's just like oh this and then that happens and then i moved to new york being like here we go holding deal writer strike that was that that was that 2000 whatever writer strike so i just sort of i got paid but i just sat around yeah and uh did nothing uh huh a babysat we still using the line like uh just back from sea longly as hell no actually though that first year in new york was terribly lonesome yeah I didn't know anyone, and I couldn't get up anywhere, and I just was extremely lonely.

[999] That was a very tough time.

[1000] I had started having anxiety attacks.

[1001] I was calling my mom, and it's not like I'd never call my mom, but I don't call my mom and, like, bleed my heart out.

[1002] She's also British, right?

[1003] That's rough for a British person.

[1004] She's like, what are these?

[1005] Do you call them emotions?

[1006] Feelings.

[1007] I'm two bottles of wine in.

[1008] I think I can do this.

[1009] Now, really quick about that.

[1010] Just before we move on.

[1011] So your parents were British, which is so unique to me. No one's British.

[1012] Not anymore.

[1013] But you weren't ever, like, you weren't embarrassed, right?

[1014] That they were British?

[1015] No. Okay.

[1016] I thought it was cool.

[1017] It was cool, right?

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] They're like Mighty Python.

[1020] Yeah.

[1021] Well, my mom's quite silly.

[1022] Both my parents are.

[1023] They're very silly.

[1024] My mom loves doing accents, so that, like, kind of rubbed off on me. And your dad was crazy supportive of you pursuing this, right?

[1025] I was very fortunate.

[1026] They were like, I think that when I, especially in Toronto, when I was like, okay, they'd saved up for me to go to college.

[1027] And I said, you know what?

[1028] I'd like to use my college fund to just like live in Toronto and do comedy.

[1029] And they were like, Tom, do you really want to do this?

[1030] And I was like, yeah, and I'm like, okay.

[1031] And like, that's pretty cool.

[1032] That's some tough love there.

[1033] Well, that's like, they kind of, I don't know, they backed me. And I'm got to give, I will say, hats off to them, because that's probably got to be really scary.

[1034] They were, they were teachers.

[1035] They didn't have a ton of money.

[1036] They scraped and saved and saved for that stuff.

[1037] And I was like, I'm going to blow it on goofs.

[1038] Gags.

[1039] And hope that I get famous and so rich.

[1040] So in the four years, though, between the holding deal and Silicon Valley, how are you dealing with the frustration of that?

[1041] Are you doing what I did at that time, which was like, I was super critical of everyone I wanted to be?

[1042] Did you get into that trap at all?

[1043] I feel like a lot of us comedians are that way.

[1044] We're a spiteful bun.

[1045] very spiteful.

[1046] No, I didn't hate anybody.

[1047] That's, I will say it's kind of a little bit different in, like, the improv world.

[1048] Not to say that there's no one cutthroat in there, but like, because improv is so artsy -fartzy, like, well, collaborative.

[1049] Yes, and, and like, trust falls and whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, like, organic opening, like that kind of stuff.

[1050] Yeah.

[1051] That everyone's, it's a little bit more kumbaya, which is nice.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] Our first walkout.

[1054] Now you...

[1055] Oh, no. It's okay.

[1056] No, it was a boring.

[1057] No, what...

[1058] That was a good yes and, actually.

[1059] Should we ask, Thomas, about the great British debate between sexual men and women?

[1060] Sure.

[1061] I have very low expectations for him having an opinion on it, but let's run it by him.

[1062] What's the great sexual debate between sexual men and women?

[1063] Okay, so I met a...

[1064] I met a girl.

[1065] When I was 15, I was on a snowboard trip to Vermont.

[1066] She was English, Jenny.

[1067] Okay.

[1068] We're hanging out on the slopes.

[1069] Things are going well.

[1070] Go back to a hotel room.

[1071] We're in a closet while my buddy's dad sleeps.

[1072] Cool.

[1073] We're tipsy.

[1074] I get very turned on when I'm trying to have sex with next to my buddy's dad.

[1075] Always.

[1076] Do you things are hotter?

[1077] Can you get your dad over here?

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] Hey, Ken, is your dad asleep?

[1080] Wake him up.

[1081] Keep him sleepy.

[1082] Keep him in the next room, but I want him sleepy, but awake.

[1083] So, Jenny and I are in a walk -in closet at a ski -up resort, and we're kissing, then there's heavy petting, then there's all kinds of things.

[1084] Next thing you know, we are mid -coitus, and I'm thinking, this happened way too easy.

[1085] I don't know why this happened so easy.

[1086] Okay.

[1087] Cut two years later, I'm in an anthropology class up the road at UCLA, and I learn that an inordinate amount of American GIs impregnated British females during World War II.

[1088] to the degree at which they wanted to study it.

[1089] And what they found out through studying it was, in our culture, women have the brake puddle.

[1090] They go, no, we should wait.

[1091] But in England, men have the brake pedal.

[1092] They're supposed to say, no, we should wait.

[1093] So when you get Jenny and Dax on a ski trip together, no one's got a fucking brake pedal.

[1094] It's just full throttle.

[1095] And then you're humping in a closet next to Joe Kennedy.

[1096] And I went, oh, my God, that makes so much sense, because there's no way she liked me that much.

[1097] Like, it just didn't add up, and then it added up.

[1098] So we then said that on here, and some people said that doesn't sound very scientific.

[1099] We've been trying to find this paper I read to substantiate the claim with no success.

[1100] Can't find it.

[1101] Yeah.

[1102] We found another interesting paper.

[1103] I don't know where it is.

[1104] I don't know where it exists.

[1105] Another interesting paper, though, that kind of leaned towards this, which was, if you were to break down, like, they gave it 23 steps between meeting and coitus.

[1106] And for Americans, kissing is only like number four.

[1107] Like, people kiss right out the gates.

[1108] You can meet someone at Burr King, kiss them in the parking lot.

[1109] No what.

[1110] In England, there's like 18 steps before you kiss.

[1111] So the females in England, these American GIs were hot on the lips right out of the gates, and they were getting a single like, oh, we're really far down the path.

[1112] Right.

[1113] love.

[1114] Would your dad say, we should wait, hon, and your mom would say, fuck no, I'm full throttle.

[1115] What would happen?

[1116] Yeah, tell us the details.

[1117] Both of them were pretty into it.

[1118] I do remember that.

[1119] I would like to point out in this study, in this debate, that we're talking about 1940s culture as opposed to nowadays.

[1120] That's very true.

[1121] Very relevant.

[1122] Let's keep that in mind.

[1123] Thank you for pointing that out.

[1124] Um You know Any other obvious facts You want to add to that?

[1125] No, you don't know I've never I've never been with an English lady Really?

[1126] I've never been with an English So you don't have edipal too bad I've kissed in English But that's about it In English?

[1127] Yeah Okay There's such an obvious question to be asked About her teeth Oh no I value our English listeners That's not at all in Well you know there's a stereotype That they don't value orthodontia like we do.

[1128] Well, they do.

[1129] It's just, I mean, if I hadn't had the amount of work I've had, I would be like, jaws.

[1130] Like, teeth in front of teeth, there would be rows.

[1131] It would not be okay.

[1132] We are so similar because I had a fucking overbite that you could put a science book in.

[1133] I used to, for the amusement of my classmates.

[1134] Well, it says, and it looked like God just grabbed my fucking teeth in his hand.

[1135] It chucked him at my face and said, smile!

[1136] these were yeah it was disastrous I would not be sitting on the stage without braces my work has even continued into my adult life congratulations are you using like an invisible line no no I don't know if this is taboo or not to admit but I think it's fine I don't care I have a few veneers in my mouth good for you can I tell you this can I tell you what the veneers was so this is my first my dentist that I kind of was just like, when you moved to L .A., well, when I moved to L .A. At one point, I was like, I should probably go see a dentist because it's been a long time.

[1137] So I found a dentist, and we get along.

[1138] What do I want to say there?

[1139] Yeah, we get along.

[1140] Was she the English that you kissed?

[1141] Yeah, we haven't kissed, but she's cute.

[1142] She's a Russian woman.

[1143] Okay.

[1144] And at one point, she looks at, she's talking about my two, sort of front teeth, the two big ones.

[1145] And they were kind of like, she goes, she goes, your tears, they are narrow at the top and wide at the bottom.

[1146] It looks like you have a condition.

[1147] And I was like, what?

[1148] I was like, I know they're kind of weird looking, but what?

[1149] She was trying to convince me it kind of looks so weird.

[1150] It looks so weird.

[1151] It looks like it may have like a gum disease or something weird.

[1152] Oh, wow.

[1153] When she's a condition, I was thinking like a mental health thing or a...

[1154] She's saying, I look fucking dumb with my stupid dumb tea.

[1155] Oh, wow.

[1156] So she convinced me to have these veneers on my two front teeth.

[1157] She doesn't tell me really what the procedure is, right?

[1158] So I'm like, okay, cool.

[1159] And she's like, she's like really intense about getting that insurance money.

[1160] So I think I got it mostly paid for, which is, I don't think, allowed.

[1161] Okay.

[1162] Sorry Sagaftram.

[1163] Anyway, we, she starts filing it down.

[1164] She numbs me up.

[1165] I'm down there filing down.

[1166] In my mind, I think what's going to happen is like maybe there are caps.

[1167] Like I kind of get my teeth squared out or something like that and that plink plonk.

[1168] But she files for a long time.

[1169] Oh, boy.

[1170] Long long time.

[1171] Okay.

[1172] Oh, yeah.

[1173] And you're not really in a state to question her.

[1174] I'm just kind of like, good, she's taking her time.

[1175] It's a weird conclusion.

[1176] She shows how dumb I am.

[1177] I'm like, good.

[1178] She's paying attention to teeth.

[1179] Thore.

[1180] Yeah, these are my teeth.

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] And I've had years of orthodontic stuff.

[1183] Like teeth have always been a thing with me. I'm so obsessed about him.

[1184] And she leaves.

[1185] And then the guy, the assistant, who always told me about his fucking web series, he goes, he needs to go and he goes, hey, man, don't look in the mirror.

[1186] And he goes, and he bolts.

[1187] Oh, what?

[1188] And then I was like, excuse me?

[1189] And I didn't.

[1190] I was like, oh, I'm definitely not going to because now I'm so scared.

[1191] Yeah.

[1192] What did they do?

[1193] But also, why is he bouncing me?

[1194] procedure.

[1195] Because he's got to do stuff.

[1196] Because she was always mean to him, it was a weird dynamic.

[1197] Okay.

[1198] She'd always like grab his hand and be there and he'd be like, oh, fuck.

[1199] Yeah, I love when two people are in a power struggle in my mouth.

[1200] Yeah, up in my mouth.

[1201] Nothing better than temperatures flaring while they're filing my fucking teeth.

[1202] Exactly.

[1203] So, I didn't lick in the mirror, but I did hesitantly, ever so hesitantly, start to touch my two front teeth with my tongue.

[1204] Oh, boy.

[1205] And I can clearly tell that my two front teeth have been filed down into snake fangs.

[1206] Tiny little triangles.

[1207] Oh, my God.

[1208] Tiny little mafucking triangle.

[1209] And I'm like, oh, no. And all, everything floods back.

[1210] Like, braces, the Bionator, my parents, like going to the orthodontist, like, saving so much money out of pocket.

[1211] They're teaching.

[1212] and I start to cry.

[1213] Oh, wow.

[1214] Wow.

[1215] And now, I'm a grown man in the dentist chair, having a cry.

[1216] Having a nice cry in front of a Russian gal.

[1217] And the Russian lady comes back, and I'm wiping him off.

[1218] I'm trying to be brave for her.

[1219] Why?

[1220] Why do I want to be a brave boy in the dentist chair?

[1221] I don't know.

[1222] I just want to be a brave.

[1223] And did you quickly think, I'll tell her I'm crying about what pet I put down last week?

[1224] No, you know what's so dumb?

[1225] I don't know why.

[1226] I still had, like, the ego of being like, I knew what was going to happen.

[1227] Like, I wouldn't ever admit that I didn't know.

[1228] Like, I made my bed.

[1229] I'm going to lie in it.

[1230] Yeah.

[1231] Like, you deserve this now, Tommy.

[1232] Yeah.

[1233] And also, I don't say anything to understand because I want to do her a good job.

[1234] And you know what really made me, you know what, honest, this is so dumb.

[1235] When I'm sitting there crying, what's making me so sad, is I have this stupid fantasy.

[1236] The fantasy is now, like, 40 years later, it's Mad Max times.

[1237] Oh, yeah.

[1238] And I'm running away from bandits, and I fall, and my veneers come off.

[1239] Yeah.

[1240] And now there's not a dentist anymore because we live in Mad Max times.

[1241] Yeah.

[1242] And now I'm only the fangs.

[1243] Oh, oh, God.

[1244] And then this is legitimately thought.

[1245] I was thinking, like, well, how am I going to meet a girl then?

[1246] It went all roads lead back.

[1247] In my Mad Max fantasy.

[1248] You have Manko shark smile.

[1249] Your first thought is like intimacy.

[1250] People call me the fang.

[1251] You come, you, me, hump.

[1252] You could go another way with it, though, which is if you find yourself in that post -apocalyptic setting and marauders are coming at you and you fucking pop out your nice smile, you're like, ha, crazy!

[1253] He's gone savage.

[1254] He's one of the mutants.

[1255] Yes, I'm...

[1256] I'm terrified of a guy who pops his teeth out before a fight and shows me daggers.

[1257] I'm like, I might have underestimated this guy.

[1258] He's definitely Australian.

[1259] There must be something easier to tackle.

[1260] You don't want to miss with me, Brian?

[1261] Yay.

[1262] I'm fucking crazy, mate.

[1263] Thank you for calling Lucifer's Pizza.

[1264] Back to your fucking teeth.

[1265] So, well, they put temporary.

[1266] First, they do a mold.

[1267] They do like a little mold of your fangs.

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] And then, well, they go and make the really nice porcelain.

[1270] like, real things.

[1271] You have temp teeth.

[1272] They have temp teeth.

[1273] Oh, geez.

[1274] And, like, for a while.

[1275] Because it's like, you know, there's, there's some blood.

[1276] And so, when you have your temp teeth, there's, like, crusted blood along your gumline.

[1277] Nothing's more inviting than when someone smiles.

[1278] It's like they just ate raw carrying on the side of the road.

[1279] Why are all your other teeth normal except for your blood soaked two front teeth?

[1280] absurdly white two front teeth but I got to tell you what ended up making its way into your mouth is so beautiful and seamless and organic I would never have known although this does explain a tiny little thing I noticed a couple times on Sam Jones when you laughed really hard you covered your mouth and I was like and it wasn't it's not like you're like it wasn't one of those like naughty laughs like he it was like you had a genuine laugh and then you went like this and I thought I wonder what is his history with his teeth are.

[1281] Now you know.

[1282] And now I fucking know.

[1283] Years of monster mouth.

[1284] You're afraid they're going to fall out when you laugh.

[1285] What's the bird?

[1286] Yeah, that is a fear.

[1287] Yeah.

[1288] Sounds like it.

[1289] The fear is like doing something very public and then the veneer will pop out.

[1290] Do you think you'll ever do like Brad Pitt did and fight club and have them removed for a role?

[1291] Oh, sure.

[1292] Or Jim Carrey for Dumb and Dumber.

[1293] He got his thing.

[1294] He went ahead and removed Yeah I don't care what the premise of the movie is I promise you'll be the first one there on Friday to buy a ticket If you ever do a movie with your fucking sharp triangle teeth Well here's the thing I had I had kind of Uh oh Because I was so pleased with how this went I went veneer crazy and I got more Oh wow so how what are we talking I have now my bottom teeth Because they were all fucked up too Because the thing is like when you're predestined to have fucked up teeth You can do all the braces and all that kind of stuff, and that's going to feel great.

[1295] And then later on in life, those fucked up teeth, they're going to come right on back.

[1296] Yeah, yeah.

[1297] They're resilient.

[1298] We will ruin you.

[1299] You know, it's mine.

[1300] So mine used to be beautiful, and then this one just said, fuck this.

[1301] I'm going back to the way I was when I was born.

[1302] Yeah.

[1303] And now that's going to cause a collapse of all the other teeth.

[1304] It's a house of cards in there.

[1305] Domino's.

[1306] So if I took them all out, I would, I'm the Fangman.

[1307] You're sad.

[1308] Oh, wow.

[1309] How many, what would you say you've got 30, 40 grand tied up in this smile?

[1310] A cool 2 .8 mil.

[1311] Okay, right.

[1312] Okay, you guys, for real now.

[1313] Monica and I love you so, so much.

[1314] This is by far the zenith for me of any experience I've had.

[1315] It's so fulfilling and heartwarming, and I hope as long as you guys keep coming, we will keep doing this.

[1316] So we love you from the bottom of the heart.

[1317] Everybody, please, Thomas Middle Ditch.

[1318] You know how it feels We all do Just as well Oopsie Oopsies, oopsie Oopsies Oopsie I fart And now my favorite part of the show The Fact Check with my soulmate Monica Padman All the chicken ladies All the chicken ladies All the chicken ladies All the chicken ladies It's your new favorite song.

[1319] It's just going through my mind all the time now.

[1320] And then you know you can say, If you like it, then you should have laid an egg on it.

[1321] Did you hear that verse?

[1322] I did not.

[1323] It's very cute.

[1324] I'm building it out slowly.

[1325] I like it.

[1326] 2020, I hope to have a full version of the chicken ladies.

[1327] So this episode has three songs you're promoting.

[1328] Three songs.

[1329] One's yours.

[1330] These will all be available on all the many platforms in 2020.

[1331] I hope to film a video in like a chicken outfit, but I can do that move with my hands where I punch down and move my knees.

[1332] It's a good idea, yeah.

[1333] Don't you like it?

[1334] Sure.

[1335] Maybe I could sell the whole thing to like a KFC or some kind of, you know, chicken sales place, some purveyor of chickens.

[1336] Or you could just enjoy it for yourself.

[1337] Yeah, let's do that.

[1338] You don't have to monetize everything.

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] Yeah.

[1341] Did you have a good time in Los Angeles?

[1342] Oh, man. Los Angeles is nice.

[1343] Yeah.

[1344] We like it here.

[1345] Yeah, I love it here.

[1346] And it was a very fun show.

[1347] Rockus.

[1348] Rockus show.

[1349] Sure, raucous.

[1350] Yeah.

[1351] It was very fun.

[1352] I was on crutches.

[1353] I was 36 hours out of surgery.

[1354] That's right.

[1355] You and I were kind of, we were both dipping.

[1356] Not chewing tobacco.

[1357] No, no, no, no, not chewing tobacco.

[1358] But we were both dipping prior to the show.

[1359] Oh, I got very sick the next day.

[1360] So it was.

[1361] You were ailing and I had a rod in my toe.

[1362] But we sat in the.

[1363] the wings while all the amazing music happened, and then we looked at each other, and we felt we were at 100 % from the music got us there, didn't it?

[1364] Yeah, it was really, really fun.

[1365] Thomas was a delight.

[1366] You know what I really liked about him?

[1367] I mean, everything, but at the show, I walked up, Wabi Wob was talking to him, but I didn't realize that Wabi Wob was talking to him.

[1368] I thought he was talking to some strange, I didn't really, I didn't notice who he was talking to.

[1369] I just saw that he was talking to someone, but I had like, something emergent that needed taking care of.

[1370] So I interrupted and I was like, hey, Rob, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1371] And then I looked over and I was like, oh, no, that is so disrespectful.

[1372] Although it's always disrespectful, no matter who it had been.

[1373] But it was important.

[1374] Right.

[1375] Anyway, and then so I looked at him, I said, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

[1376] That's so rude.

[1377] I'm Monica.

[1378] I put my hand out to shake his hand and then he used two hands to shake it.

[1379] Oh.

[1380] And I really liked that.

[1381] That's a great move.

[1382] It was a hot move.

[1383] Oh, that's great.

[1384] And you and I had just binged Silicon Valley.

[1385] In prep, yeah.

[1386] Yeah.

[1387] So it was probably extra exciting.

[1388] It was nice.

[1389] It was a good move.

[1390] I would advise.

[1391] I would advise gentlemen.

[1392] And women, maybe.

[1393] I don't know.

[1394] I'd have to see what it would feel like if a woman did it.

[1395] I'm trying to imagine a woman.

[1396] I'm going to try it.

[1397] Yeah, shake someone's hand like that.

[1398] Ah, boy.

[1399] Would you like it?

[1400] I'm not sure if I would like it or not.

[1401] not i would like it yeah because it's like extra it feels like extra affectionate or something yeah you know what i'd really love is when if when i shook a woman's hand she took her other hand and just gently um ran her thumb down my cheek like i was a little baby i thought you were going to do something really gross no no just like put her thumb on my cheek like a little baby ew that wouldn't be good for you no i guess that goes to your history too um like a lot of people people hate having their faces touched.

[1402] Are you being serious or are you not being serious?

[1403] I almost can't tell.

[1404] Like, would you really like it if someone did that?

[1405] With their small thumb?

[1406] I don't understand this.

[1407] Yeah, you know how like sometimes you'll meet a little child and you'll just touch their cheek?

[1408] Oh, that's true.

[1409] You know what I'm saying?

[1410] It's very nurturing.

[1411] Like if it was done in a very nurturing way.

[1412] Okay.

[1413] You're not so sure about it.

[1414] No. Yeah, we'd probably have to workshop it to see if it really worked.

[1415] Well, it also maybe would feel like lines could get crossed quickly.

[1416] Because sometimes people put their hand on people's face when they kiss them.

[1417] So the person may take it in as this person is going to kiss me and then they'll kiss back and then that person wasn't trying to kiss them and then harassment.

[1418] Right.

[1419] I think mostly, though, if anyone's going to try this, it should be female to male.

[1420] Exactly what I'm saying.

[1421] If a female goes to touch a guy's face and the guy thinks, oh, this girl wants to kiss me, the guy is probably going to kiss her.

[1422] Oh, right.

[1423] And she probably didn't want to be kissed.

[1424] She was just trying to do that baby thing.

[1425] Okay, then let's just amend this a little bit and say, only do it if you want that person to then kiss you.

[1426] Oh, sure.

[1427] Okay.

[1428] All right.

[1429] Now we figured it out.

[1430] Well, would you, how would you have felt about kissing Thomas right at that moment when you, when you guys shook hands the first time?

[1431] Oh, I would have wanted to.

[1432] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1433] That's kind of what I'm getting now.

[1434] This is gone really awry.

[1435] You also have a big hands thing, so.

[1436] Oh, I do like hands.

[1437] Yeah.

[1438] It's one of your erogenous.

[1439] But this wasn't about that.

[1440] It was like, it felt really loving.

[1441] But we just met.

[1442] An extra.

[1443] An extra, yeah.

[1444] Anyway, so I guess Thomas and I are going to kiss.

[1445] Well, I do think he's married, but who knows what their arrangement is?

[1446] You know, you just can't assume these days.

[1447] That's true.

[1448] Mm -hmm.

[1449] I bet they are in a monogamous relationship.

[1450] Yeah, it's likely.

[1451] You're just playing the odds.

[1452] Yeah.

[1453] Anyway, he was fantastic.

[1454] Mm -hmm.

[1455] Sure was.

[1456] Okay.

[1457] Oh, well, this is.

[1458] Speaking of this, we get into some dirty talk.

[1459] Uh -huh.

[1460] Sort of a dirty, three -Rs -in -dirty conversation.

[1461] Well, you know, in general, I'll just say the live shows have a tendency to get more dirty because the live shows are more funny.

[1462] A lot of times.

[1463] They can be, yeah.

[1464] They can be, because I'm a ham and there's people there that paid money and I want them to laugh.

[1465] So I tend to probably push a little bit in the live shows.

[1466] But presumably some people don't like that about the live shows.

[1467] And then presumably some people like that about the live shows.

[1468] Yeah.

[1469] You know, the listeners at home.

[1470] Right.

[1471] But that's kind of a pattern that I would predict is going to continue.

[1472] Sure.

[1473] I think that's probably fair.

[1474] But we talk about boobs and my boobs.

[1475] We're talking about fat nachies.

[1476] Oh, fat cheese.

[1477] Yeah.

[1478] Yeah, and we were discussing my...

[1479] Fat cheese?

[1480] No. Oh, okay.

[1481] We were discussing my distaste for that phrase.

[1482] The term.

[1483] Yes, and then he said, no, no, but you want these boobs to be fat, basically.

[1484] Right.

[1485] Oh, right.

[1486] And you're nervous that.

[1487] Yeah.

[1488] Someone that.

[1489] They're all nice.

[1490] They're all great, yeah.

[1491] Right?

[1492] Absolutely.

[1493] I've liked a lot of small boobs, and I've liked some big boobs, you know, doesn't really, that's not the determining factor.

[1494] Yeah.

[1495] Oh, my God.

[1496] I mean, we just, we just, we just, we just reference the mask you live in so much.

[1497] I know.

[1498] I mean, we got to stop.

[1499] I mean, it's, it's getting comical.

[1500] Uh -huh.

[1501] Because it's, but it's, but the thing is I can never, um, cut it.

[1502] because it always leads to a good conversation, which is good.

[1503] Also, it's one of these things that once you see it, you can't unsee it.

[1504] Oh, yeah.

[1505] And then you just become abundantly aware of how much.

[1506] Totally.

[1507] How frequently we're kind of reinforcing these identities, right?

[1508] Yeah.

[1509] Yeah.

[1510] But I think we should still be talking about it, but maybe we don't have to reference the movie anymore.

[1511] Okay.

[1512] Yeah, we'll just go straight.

[1513] It just feels unethical to claim that we have this perspective unaided.

[1514] I know.

[1515] How do we get around this?

[1516] Yeah.

[1517] Ooh, the...

[1518] T -M -Y -L -I.

[1519] T -M -Y -L -I.

[1520] T -M -Y -L -I.

[1521] Anyways, we were watching T -M -O -Y.

[1522] It sounds like T -R -L -L -L -L -L -F.

[1523] Oh, yeah.

[1524] Well, maybe we'd just call it that.

[1525] You were watching T -R -L -L -L -F.

[1526] Yes.

[1527] Wait, it's not T -R -L -L -L -L -ive.

[1528] It's T, it's total request live.

[1529] Yeah, it's just TRL or TR Live, I guess.

[1530] TR Live.

[1531] Anyway, I just, I just want the listeners to know that we know we're saying that a lot.

[1532] Yeah.

[1533] I don't know if that, I don't know if that bothers anyone.

[1534] Maybe not.

[1535] But sometimes when I hear it, I'm like, oh, boy, we have really talked about this.

[1536] That's a bit of criticism.

[1537] I'm open to some criticism I don't take well, most of it.

[1538] Okay.

[1539] Okay, well, we don't need to tell people.

[1540] See, no, actually, I don't, I don't want people to tell us, and then people get in arguments and stuff.

[1541] Okay, you're right.

[1542] I don't want any arguments.

[1543] I don't want anyone arguing on our behalf.

[1544] That always makes me sad if I see in our comments that an argument has started between armed cherries.

[1545] Yeah, I don't like that.

[1546] I never like that.

[1547] Yeah.

[1548] And often I'll just erase that, so I don't like it.

[1549] What's one of them?

[1550] Well, so the one I was just going to say that, and you busted me yesterday when I was responding, which is, this woman was really critical of me using the term junkie that I was perpetuating somehow this shame for addicts.

[1551] And what I explained to her was that's our term.

[1552] Like people in AA call themselves Alki's and Junkies.

[1553] And we've reclaimed it.

[1554] I compared it to the N -word.

[1555] Like they took that back.

[1556] Yeah, like this is something you used to say to us to shame us, you're an Alki or a junkie.

[1557] But then we owned it.

[1558] So I was like, no, I get to say whatever I want about the group I'm in.

[1559] You can't tell me I can't use the word junkie to describe myself.

[1560] Right, sure.

[1561] You know?

[1562] Or alky.

[1563] Yeah.

[1564] Boozy.

[1565] I don't know.

[1566] We don't use that much, but I can imagine.

[1567] It's not a very clever one.

[1568] No, it sounds more like a clown that's going to show up to your party.

[1569] Boosy.

[1570] Oh, Han, you didn't hire Boosy, did you?

[1571] The last birthday party, he caught the garage on fire.

[1572] Smoking rock.

[1573] Um, yeah, I think you can call yourself whatever you want.

[1574] Yeah.

[1575] I don't know if it's the same as the N word.

[1576] Well, it is in that they took a word that was used to diminish their status and shame them.

[1577] Uh -huh.

[1578] And said, no, we're going to own this word now.

[1579] And it's for us.

[1580] Mm -hmm.

[1581] And we're going to take that meaning and change it for us.

[1582] Yeah.

[1583] It's similar in that.

[1584] I don't think my, I don't think, uh, the addict's experience in life is the same as a black person.

[1585] I'm just saying, I think those are analogous.

[1586] Yeah.

[1587] I just think, like, the reason they had to reclaim it is because they had no choice.

[1588] Like, they didn't, they're not choosing whether they're black or not.

[1589] Here we go back into that same argument we had the other day.

[1590] But it's not, to me, it's.

[1591] And I don't think someone's choosing to be an addict either.

[1592] That'd be a weird choice to make.

[1593] But so you're saying junkies are addicts?

[1594] Or junkies are people who are doing drugs.

[1595] There is a difference.

[1596] Traditionally, a junkie is someone who uses heroin.

[1597] Right.

[1598] Right.

[1599] And so it was a term created by non -addicts to shame addicts and refer to them as pieces of shit.

[1600] Yeah, I don't like that.

[1601] Mangey dogs, junkies.

[1602] Right.

[1603] They're saying those humans are junk.

[1604] Right.

[1605] And so people who suffer from that.

[1606] Or they're interested in junk.

[1607] I don't know if it's that they are junk, but maybe, I don't know.

[1608] Yeah.

[1609] Well, at any rate, addicts who are sober will call themselves ex -junkie or I was a junkie.

[1610] Or I'm a junkie, so I got to go to meetings.

[1611] Yeah, yeah.

[1612] And that is the exact thing.

[1613] Now, you could drill down into whatever aspect of it you want to.

[1614] Sure.

[1615] But the simple fact that it was something invented to be derogatory towards us that we then took on in our own little community and call each other junkies and out.

[1616] Right.

[1617] That part's, I think, similar.

[1618] Yeah, that is similar.

[1619] Oh, well, you said that the first time you jacked off, he used your dad's big jar of Vaseline.

[1620] But then you've also referenced using some lotion, yellow bottle.

[1621] Yes, into Vaseline intensive care.

[1622] Oh, still Vaseline, right.

[1623] Yeah, but that was a lotion and not the petroleum jelly.

[1624] Right.

[1625] Yeah.

[1626] So you prefer the lotion.

[1627] Well, a couple things.

[1628] The The lotion was more available in my house when I didn't live with my father.

[1629] Got it.

[1630] Also, cleanups a lot easier.

[1631] Petroleum jelly doesn't wash. It's very sticky.

[1632] Yes.

[1633] It's hard to clean up.

[1634] Yeah.

[1635] I guess for the lotion, are you just rubbing it in?

[1636] No, no. Post, you know, masturbation, you then clean up.

[1637] You know, you'd wash off your penis.

[1638] But I guess if it was a lotion, you could just rub it in and make your penis soft.

[1639] Yeah, but you're using more than.

[1640] can be absorbed by the dermis.

[1641] And so you're going to then probably soil your under dungarees.

[1642] You're unmentionables.

[1643] Oh, sure.

[1644] You're mean.

[1645] It's very healthy.

[1646] It is.

[1647] Yeah.

[1648] It is.

[1649] It is.

[1650] Yeah.

[1651] Well, so you're coming out on the side of the yellow lotion.

[1652] Yeah.

[1653] And then, you know, no one needs to know this.

[1654] But then I just stopped using lotion altogether.

[1655] Okay.

[1656] Yeah.

[1657] You don't use any lubricant.

[1658] No. No. No, on rare occasion, at a hotel, you know, they're offering that lotion there at the sink.

[1659] There's generally a shampoo, a conditioner, and a lotion.

[1660] Yeah.

[1661] And there's also a big stack of fresh.

[1662] Horn?

[1663] No, no, no, no, no, no. Wash cloths.

[1664] Oh, sure, yeah.

[1665] So everything's right there to go full service.

[1666] So those times are more like a pampering, like a spa day for me. Oh, wow.

[1667] I'm going to put a lot of effort into this, and I'm going to really event.

[1668] it and I'm going to get romantic and get fully nude, you know, just really spoil myself.

[1669] Right.

[1670] Those are the only times, which are getting less and less as I age, which is a little bit discouraging.

[1671] Well, that happens.

[1672] Yeah.

[1673] It's the natural trajectory.

[1674] Well, speaking of that, all right.

[1675] You guys couldn't figure out how to say ostracization, but it's ostracization.

[1676] No, I can't say it.

[1677] Yeah, it's not easy.

[1678] Ostracization.

[1679] Nailed it.

[1680] It is that.

[1681] Ostracization.

[1682] Ostracization.

[1683] Osterization.

[1684] Why can't I do it?

[1685] Well, there's too many Cs being used as S's in there and stuff.

[1686] Yeah, and if I'm...

[1687] I hate our fucking English.

[1688] I actually don't think it's the word.

[1689] It's not a real word.

[1690] Now people are using it, so now it's on like wictionary, but it's not, you know.

[1691] It didn't come up immediately.

[1692] So it's not even a real word.

[1693] You just say ostracized.

[1694] That's, yeah.

[1695] Or ostracized.

[1696] They've been ostracized, yeah.

[1697] Past tense.

[1698] Or they're being ostracized.

[1699] Yeah.

[1700] Or you're ostracizing them.

[1701] Yeah.

[1702] We don't need that other.

[1703] But ostracization.

[1704] No. There's no need to use it that way.

[1705] Anywho.

[1706] Oh, you know, I'm going to fact check myself.

[1707] Mm. Because I said that our 98 % of our audience is female.

[1708] Now, I don't know the exact.

[1709] percentage, but it's probably not 98%, but it's high.

[1710] No, it's high, but it's not that.

[1711] It's not that.

[1712] I just said that.

[1713] Well, and the only metrics we really have to guess this on is how many people are following on the social media accounts, which are predominantly female, but I think like 80%, right?

[1714] Not in the 90s.

[1715] I think in the 80s or something, but we just don't know.

[1716] We don't know because then it begets the question, do women follow more on Instagram than men?

[1717] That was my theory.

[1718] Yeah.

[1719] I think Instagram's more a female platform percentage -wise than...

[1720] Apparently YouTube's supposed to be a real male platform.

[1721] Okay.

[1722] I don't know.

[1723] We're 86 % women on Instagram.

[1724] On Instagram.

[1725] 86 on social, we'll say then.

[1726] But that, again, we don't...

[1727] That doesn't mean anything, really.

[1728] Right.

[1729] There could be like a husband and wife, and the wife follows on Instagram and the husband does it.

[1730] And I just don't feel like guys care that much about, like, seeing pictures of us.

[1731] Hmm.

[1732] Maybe the girls do.

[1733] Although men are, we're supposed to be more visual, aren't we?

[1734] Well, I guess that's just for sexual stuff.

[1735] Probably.

[1736] Yeah, I guess women seem to really enjoy pictures of food.

[1737] Yeah.

[1738] Yeah.

[1739] And pictures of home goods.

[1740] Furnishings.

[1741] And pictures of period.

[1742] Oh, here we go.

[1743] T -Y -L -M -M -L.

[1744] I know.

[1745] Okay, so Thomas said he thinks McDonald's is a terrible corporation.

[1746] Okay.

[1747] And I know people think that, but I was like, why do people think that?

[1748] I'm just out of the loop.

[1749] Uh -huh.

[1750] But I got into the loop a little bit.

[1751] Oh, tell me. But I don't.

[1752] Can I guess?

[1753] Yeah.

[1754] I guess just that we have a obesity epidemic in the country.

[1755] We have a heart disease epidemic in the country.

[1756] And I think the food they serve is associated.

[1757] with some of those?

[1758] Is that what it is?

[1759] I think that's part of it.

[1760] It's like a luring in to bad habits kind of.

[1761] And they were one of the first companies to advertise towards kids specifically and build playgrounds at the restaurant.

[1762] Yeah, and toys and all of that.

[1763] Yeah.

[1764] So I think that that is part of this.

[1765] And I think there's like some exploitation of workers according to some people and world's largest user of beef so but if you read fast food nation which was a fascinating book i love that book you get the history of all these chains uh -huh you get a history of potato production jr simplot the potato baron of idaho oh and in that book they said you know the buying power of mcdonald's is so enormous that they have made policy the reason we didn't have GMOs here, and they did have them at another place, was it was simply that McDonald's said they would not buy GMO, genetically modified potatoes.

[1766] So there was no potato grower in the country that could afford to not be selling to McDonald's.

[1767] And so I think, like in that book, Fast Food Nation, they were urging them to put some guidelines on poultry production and beat because they just have so much sway over all the industries.

[1768] Interesting, yeah.

[1769] Yeah.

[1770] Huh.

[1771] Anyway, so, yeah, bad for the environment.

[1772] You know, all those things.

[1773] But let's just be honest.

[1774] You and I eat at McDonald's.

[1775] Yeah, we've eaten there.

[1776] Yeah.

[1777] We don't eat there.

[1778] No, like I'd say every six months you and I. Yeah, probably twice a year.

[1779] Yeah, I would say so.

[1780] Yeah.

[1781] Well, mainly for the French fries.

[1782] The fries are so good.

[1783] But I love a big Mac with extra sauce and extra cheese.

[1784] Yeah.

[1785] I know.

[1786] But I have no stance on this other than I like it a couple times a year.

[1787] And I don't think that I could eat it daily and still take my shirt off on TV.

[1788] That's my guess.

[1789] I think that's a really good guess.

[1790] Judging from Super Size Me. Probably wouldn't feel ethical about doing that.

[1791] Right, right.

[1792] You know, this is a good point.

[1793] So we had dinner with Sam Harris and he said, you know, The thing no one really talks about is the two options seem to be vegan or go bananas, right?

[1794] That's like all you hear.

[1795] Those are the two camps.

[1796] He's like, but the effect that it would have globally for people to just maybe eat meat three days a week.

[1797] Well, I think that is what that's the new trend.

[1798] Is it?

[1799] Meatless Mondays and things like that.

[1800] Like people are trying to be more moderate about their.

[1801] Yeah, that seems like a much more appealing to me stance on it.

[1802] I agree.

[1803] Or more realistic, too.

[1804] More realistic for sure.

[1805] And it couldn't have a gigantic impact if people were to cut out meat half the week.

[1806] Yeah.

[1807] Yeah.

[1808] I think that's happening.

[1809] I think that's happening in places.

[1810] I don't know that it's so.

[1811] Moderation's hard, though, for me. Yeah.

[1812] I feel like you eat well.

[1813] Eating, yeah, I do okay eating.

[1814] Yeah.

[1815] But even that really, if you notice, I pretty much eat perfect and then I eat terrible.

[1816] That's how I am too.

[1817] Yeah, I eat like almost perfect five days a week and then I eat like a deranged Tasmanian devil for two days.

[1818] I know.

[1819] Yesterday I ate two pieces of lasagna at different times of the day and two pieces of pie also at different times of the day.

[1820] A whole sandwich.

[1821] And then this morning you had the protein breakfast to counteract.

[1822] Healthy.

[1823] Yeah.

[1824] Yeah.

[1825] Yeah.

[1826] So I don't know.

[1827] I don't like just eating a little bit bad each day, but mostly good.

[1828] That's harder for me than eating perfect five days and then terrible for two days.

[1829] But it's working.

[1830] I'm not morbidly obese.

[1831] No. Yeah.

[1832] I know.

[1833] But it's just a matter of like how you feel when you're eating those things.

[1834] I think that's really for me. I like it.

[1835] You know, I use it as a celebration quite often.

[1836] Like something good.

[1837] I've been working.

[1838] for comes to fruition.

[1839] I can't drink.

[1840] I can't light up a cigarette.

[1841] Can't rip a couple lines.

[1842] So what do I do?

[1843] I get on the phone.

[1844] Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[1845] Thank you for rolling leaves of those bites up, right?

[1846] Sure, sure.

[1847] And there we are.

[1848] Or you've been very generous because, you know, I've been working really, really hard the last few weeks.

[1849] And so you were like, hey, I picked you up your favorite chicken sandwich.

[1850] Yeah.

[1851] Super considerate and kind.

[1852] And so I use it to kind of well i also wanted it yeah yeah it was win on both so i win win as they say yeah uh but uh i've been using it a little bit as um you know treating yourself a treat a treat yeah a reward yeah i do that i do that too i think people do that and that's okay sure but as long as you're not um treating yourself every day because then it's not a treat anymore then it's just your routine Quid, quid, quo, quo.

[1853] Quid, puo, quo.

[1854] Oh, I thought this was really interesting.

[1855] He said that he felt like every 10 years men learn a new lesson.

[1856] He used the phrase like 10 years ago, I had to learn to say like, do you want to.

[1857] And now you can't say do you want to.

[1858] And I just want to clarify a little bit.

[1859] We talked about it for a second on the thing.

[1860] But I, in fact, think it's sort of the opposite.

[1861] like I think asking do you want to is what people are sort of requiring now is like the question and not the assumption even though sometimes it gets not it's not very romantic I know I know I know just gonna grab a condom and some paperwork just gonna get a signature I know but I don't think it again with this all or nothing I know everyone's overreacting yeah I get it I'm glad I don't even have to worry about it or deal with it, to be honest.

[1862] You don't have to.

[1863] But you should still care because you have children.

[1864] I know, but your children will be involved.

[1865] But I got to wait to ask them what they want.

[1866] I can't assume for them what they want.

[1867] No. Yeah.

[1868] I'll have to ask and then I'll promote that.

[1869] Sure.

[1870] Oh, I mean, just real quick, because I don't know if our audience is super familiar with this, but Thomas is, like, huge in the improv community.

[1871] Because he did the improvised Shakespeare company, which is this very respected improv group.

[1872] And they're amazing.

[1873] And then he also is a part of Baby Wants Candy, which is this really phenomenal singing musical improv.

[1874] We used to do that at the groundlings, right?

[1875] They would call out genres of things.

[1876] And I always dreaded if it was Shakespeare.

[1877] I can't speak like that.

[1878] My English accent blows.

[1879] I am a good tantameter.

[1880] I knew how bad my Australian one is just imagine.

[1881] how my english one sounds i doubt that i'm sure it's pretty good i certainly couldn't talk first in a scene i can start imitating how other people are talking but i can't start that up on my own that's interesting yeah yeah i needed like deep south uh you know uh Tennessee Williams that kind of genre yeah yeah i could do well with that talking about mint juleps and stuff oh i like um yeah there's tricks there's tricks there are tricks that's right yeah oh okay so you you guys are talking about SNL auditions, and you kind of vaguely both say something quick about Will Ferrell and the cat thing.

[1882] So then I watched his, you can watch his audition on YouTube, and it's very funny.

[1883] And he does.

[1884] He does this thing where he's basically, he's basically just being a cat for a long time.

[1885] It is really funny.

[1886] Did Brad Pitt get his teeth removed for Fight Club?

[1887] He chipped his teeth on purpose.

[1888] He went to the dentist and got his.

[1889] teeth chipped.

[1890] Oh, I had always heard that he had a previous half -tooth injury, that he had capped, and then he just had the cap removed to re -expose that.

[1891] Oh, that happened to Jim Carrey for a dumb and dumber.

[1892] Oh.

[1893] But for a fight club, he had his teeth chip.

[1894] Oh, Jesus.

[1895] What does that feel like?

[1896] Probably not great.

[1897] I can only imagine not very good.

[1898] No. Then he got them fixed.

[1899] I hope he was anesthetized.

[1900] I guess it probably wasn't because he was training for fight club and he wanted to be tough.

[1901] Okay.

[1902] That's a sexy version.

[1903] Yeah.

[1904] What if he just had a dumbbell in his right hand?

[1905] Every time the pain got hard, he just did a curl for the girl.

[1906] Curls for the girls.

[1907] For the girls.

[1908] I've never heard that.

[1909] You haven't heard curls for the girls?

[1910] No. Charlie and Ryan and I always talk about curls for the girls.

[1911] Oh.

[1912] My God.

[1913] There's a lot of different things.

[1914] There's a pool pump.

[1915] You know, that's just a light little...

[1916] What does that mean?

[1917] You know, before you hit the pool, you just do a pool pump.

[1918] It's just a 15 minute to wake up all the muscles, a couple curls for the girls.

[1919] Oh, my gosh.

[1920] I'm so...

[1921] Wow.

[1922] You've been the beneficiary of the pool pump and not even known it.

[1923] Yeah.

[1924] Mercifully, I think.

[1925] I'm glad I didn't know it.

[1926] It takes it away when you know it.

[1927] That's true.

[1928] It becomes weirdly...

[1929] Like behind the curtain.

[1930] Yeah.

[1931] It's not actually.

[1932] masculine when you think of it's not but when um yeah when we were in fall brook you know there's always a little pool pump happening before oh i thought you guys were just working out and it was like oh i did not know that i thought you you were just doing it for your body well we were but also there was pool time ahead and so officially you could call it a pool pump wow girls for the girls oh okay oh boys are so dumb.

[1933] They really are.

[1934] And by the way, once we got to the pool, the only one noticing the, the curls, you know, the result of the curls is each other.

[1935] Of course.

[1936] Yeah, we're like we're looking at Charlie's pool pump.

[1937] Looking at Ryan's leg pool pump.

[1938] You know, I don't know what if anyone was looking at any of my pool pump.

[1939] But if anyone was, it was certainly the guys there.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] Yeah.

[1942] We could care less about the pool pump.

[1943] I know.

[1944] Well, I don't know.

[1945] I guess it'll keep us healthier.

[1946] Yeah.

[1947] That's true.

[1948] That's true.

[1949] Yeah, we should, maybe we shouldn't expose that myth because it's still keeping us healthy.

[1950] I don't think it's going to stop you.

[1951] That's true.

[1952] I think you're going to keep pool pumping.

[1953] Well, I love you.

[1954] Love you.

[1955] And I love all the musicians that helped us that night.

[1956] Me too.

[1957] That was awesome to hear Jackie and Hannah and Kristen all saying.

[1958] Oh, yeah.

[1959] It was awesome.

[1960] And Bird.

[1961] That whistle is the most incredible sound my ears have ever heard.

[1962] You love it.

[1963] Oh, my.

[1964] My God.

[1965] Becky.

[1966] Oh, my whistle.

[1967] Look at that whistle.

[1968] For real.

[1969] I love that.

[1970] Yeah, I got you going.

[1971] Between that and the handshake, I'm surprised we even got you out on stage.

[1972] I know.

[1973] What a no. All right.

[1974] I love you.

[1975] Love you too.

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