Why Your Kids Aren’t Listening or Progressing

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[24] So how many of you are frustrated that your child is just not stepping up in being responsible.

[25] They're not listening.

[26] They're not doing things the way you want them to do.

[27] And you're concerned because it's like they're falling behind and you want them to progress so badly.

[28] But what you've probably found is the more you try to push these kids, the more they resist.

[29] The more you lecture, the more they stop listening.

[30] The more you try to get on them and show them and micromanage them, the more they shut down.

[31] So on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast, which, by the way, welcome.

[32] My name's Kirk Martin, Founder Celebrate Calm.

[33] On this episode, I'm going to give you an insight that's going to be very helpful for you.

[34] It's also going to be hard for you because you have a lot of control and anxiety issues, right?

[35] Like we all do as parents.

[36] So welcome.

[37] Three quick things.

[38] If you need help, talk to our son, Casey.

[39] You can email him, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[40] Three quick things again.

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[45] And thirdly, we're traveling early next year in the Pacific Northwest.

[46] It is rare that we get that far because it's so far from home.

[47] So if you are out west, even Western Canada, contact Casey, let's schedule something.

[48] We'll come do a live event, train your teachers, train the parents, train the kids, Casey will do a school assembly, which is awesome.

[49] So if you need to help reach out to us, we'd love to help you.

[50] So let's go through this.

[51] You have, picture this, you want your child to progress in a certain area.

[52] And what happens is we tend to lecture, we tend to try to show them, Right?

[53] We think that we're teaching.

[54] But in essence, what we're doing oftentimes is micro -managing them.

[55] And nobody likes to be micromanaged.

[56] Now, why do we do that?

[57] A one, we love our kids and we want the best for them.

[58] But inadvertently, what happens is we have control issues.

[59] We want things done a certain way, the way that we like it done because it makes us more comfortable.

[60] And we also know it generally works.

[61] Right?

[62] You're an adult.

[63] You and I are adults.

[64] We know the best way to do it.

[65] And so if our kids would just do it that way, it would be so much easier for them.

[66] they don't want to do it the easy way.

[67] They're stove touches.

[68] They want to figure it out themselves.

[69] We also have a lot of anxiety because we look at our kids and we think, oh, they're not progressing.

[70] If they're so capable of doing so much more, if they would just apply themselves.

[71] And we project into the future and think who was going to marry this child, who would possibly hire this child?

[72] How are they going to be successful?

[73] And if they're not successful, does that mean I failed as a parent?

[74] And my parents already judged me. And then that's going to come true that I should have done it differently.

[75] And all these things weigh on you and they cause you to lecture and get on your child and that causes your child to resist even more.

[76] So picture this.

[77] I do this at live events.

[78] It's a little bit easier because I'm physically, can physically see me. But picture me and I'm like say a neurotypical kid who kind of just progresses in a very steady way.

[79] He walks step by step down the aisle.

[80] Perfect, easy.

[81] Very clear path.

[82] That child's going to do well in school.

[83] Go to college, get a good job, easy.

[84] Now, you have a child who goes in fits and spurts sometimes and even goes backwards at times when you push too much.

[85] But picture that child.

[86] He starts taking these steps, but if you're there hovering over your child, if you're even watching certain things, they won't do it.

[87] That's why correcting your child and their homework while standing over them doesn't work.

[88] It's why I give directions to kids.

[89] Hey, want these three chores done by seven o 'clock and then I remove myself it's why I correct them it's short and sweet and then I give them space space to process it themselves without me hovering over them but picture this child and he's trying to make some steps forward but if you're standing there he won't do it and here's why because as soon as that child starts to do something or do something new he wants to figure it out on his own.

[90] He wants to try different things.

[91] He doesn't want to do it your way.

[92] And that's a good thing.

[93] You will often take that.

[94] And most men take this because dads, I am one myself.

[95] Most dads misinterpret everything is disrespect.

[96] And it's not disrespect.

[97] And I'm going to ask you as the adult to be the grown up.

[98] Okay.

[99] And just not misinterpret everything is disrespect because they don't want to do it your way.

[100] I mean, why did you have kids?

[101] Do you just want to have kids so they can just do what you say all the time and not have a mind of their own and not figure things out and not have the joy of discovery and being their own person?

[102] Right?

[103] I know it's hard, but just think about that.

[104] We fall into that trap.

[105] Well, we had kids so I could tell them what to do so they grow up and be just like me. Well, I don't want them to be just like you if you're like that, right?

[106] I want them to figure it out themselves.

[107] And I want them to get, they learn, kids learn by exploring, by being curious.

[108] The world changes for the better when we have people who don't do it the same way all the time.

[109] So we don't have to live in the Middle Ages, right?

[110] And medieval times.

[111] It wasn't so awesome back then.

[112] Simpler, but not that awesome.

[113] So while they start moving forward, they want to touch the hot stove.

[114] and they want the freedom to fail but watch this this is good insight if you're there watching as soon as they take one misstep as soon as they try something new or different we'll be there very quickly honey honey you know what don't do it that way do it this way because it'll save you some time it'll save you some pain and not only have to go through that and by the way we don't have time for you to do this because we're over scheduled and we've got an agenda we want it to work exactly like this and I have control issues.

[115] So just do it like this.

[116] And then you know what they say?

[117] I'm out.

[118] And then they go backwards and they shut down.

[119] And then they cross their, picture them crossing their arms across their chest.

[120] And you're like, he is so strong -willed and pig -headed and defiant.

[121] And I would say, yes, they are sometimes.

[122] But also sometimes, you know what else is happening?

[123] You are the same way.

[124] And you have control issues and you're dumping all your anxiety.

[125] This kid is trying to figure his own way out.

[126] which is what we ultimately want because when your child figures it out for himself then he owns it for the rest of his life and he doesn't have to be dependent on you watch that sometimes moms and dads because inadvertently we're creating dependence on us right well how's it going to go off to college if he never learned how to to try things on his own and to fail and learn from his mistakes so here's our phrase, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space.

[127] Please write that word down on your heart and brain and really big letters and your refrigerator.

[128] Just write down space.

[129] So you remember every day, give your kids space.

[130] When you give, when you step back as a parent, it gives your kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves.

[131] When you step back from lecturing, when you step back from micromanaging, when you step back from controlling, when you step back from being responsible for your child, which is what all of that is, it gives them some space to learn to be responsible for themselves to try new things, to fail and learn with it without you being there saying, you know what?

[132] I told you so.

[133] If you would have done it the way that I told you, you wouldn't experienced that pain and difficulty it would have who wants that in their life and that's what we do we do it out of love right because we love our kids but we still do it in a way that doesn't work and it backfires and it causes our kids to shut down and actually go backwards so i'm asking you in this new year please get a i'm not going to say it like that get a hold of these concepts, work at it, work on your own anxiety, your own control issues.

[134] I promise you if you put your effort into controlling yourself, your child will thrive more than he or she ever has and you will actually enjoy your child because instead of waking up every morning trying to figure out how to fix and control and manipulate them, you will be able to enjoy this discovery with them and stand on the sidelines and say, really cool.

[135] I like how you did that.

[136] wish I was different.

[137] I wish I was a little bit more like you.

[138] I wish I was willing to try things differently and be uncomfortable and touch the hot stove.

[139] I'm really proud of you.

[140] That would motivate your child more than anything else that we're doing now.

[141] So let's work on that.

[142] Now, as we get into the new year, take advantage of that holiday sale and work on this.

[143] Download it to everybody, your husband, your spouse, your parents, and your teachers, and let's, if people, As you listen to the programs, email me. Let me know if you have questions.

[144] But let's work on this stuff so we can start the new year fresh and we can really start to enjoy our kids and watch them grow.

[145] Love you all.

[146] Thanks for letting me challenge you with this, but we do it because we love you.