Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit teamcoco .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hi, Joy.
[5] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[6] Hello, everyone.
[7] Hi, Joy.
[8] Chill chums.
[9] I'm so excited to talk to you guys.
[10] Yay.
[11] Tell us about yourself, Joy.
[12] First of all, where are you right now?
[13] I'm in this, you might think it's a dungeon, but it's not.
[14] It is a hotel room.
[15] I am currently at a conference, the American Association.
[16] of zookeepers.
[17] Wow.
[18] I hope you're a zookeeper or else I feel very, I feel very sorry for you.
[19] Are you a zookeeper?
[20] I am indeed.
[21] So my day -to -day, I work with Humboldt penguins, Caribbean full mingos, Aldeauber tortoises, American all aviators, one of my favorites that I help fill in for the snot otters or hellbenders.
[22] And then fill in with manatees and some of them.
[23] other aquatics.
[24] So where is your zoo?
[25] Central Ohio, we're in Columbus.
[26] Okay, in Columbus, Ohio, and this is a zoo that do you have a lot of other animals or, and these are just the ones you specialize in?
[27] Correct.
[28] So I'm in the shores region, which is probably one of the more diverse regions to work in just because we have a lot of local conservation projects.
[29] But it is a catch -all.
[30] So it's like, reptiles and some aquarium stuff.
[31] And yeah, yeah, birds, throw those in.
[32] Are there Any animals that you wish that you were in charge of that you're not in charge of?
[33] Like, man, I wish I got to hang with that bear.
[34] Do you know what I mean?
[35] I would love to work with otters or tapirs.
[36] I think they'd be so cool.
[37] That's cool.
[38] Wait, but you said you work with a...
[39] Snot otter?
[40] A snot otter.
[41] That is an otter.
[42] So, no. It's a loving phrase for a hellbender, which is our largest amphibian in North America.
[43] so they can get to be like close to about two feet when they're fully grown and they live under rocks.
[44] They're good stream indicators for stream health.
[45] And they're slimy.
[46] Okay.
[47] Hence the snotters.
[48] Hellbender.
[49] But it's like when you're talking to kids and the public, like they really latch on the snod otter like, what?
[50] But they're actually, I mean, they're really cute.
[51] So you'd like to more time with real otters.
[52] less time with snot otters.
[53] Is that what you're saying?
[54] Well, can I be greedy?
[55] Can I have both?
[56] Sure.
[57] Sure.
[58] But why when I suggested bear, you didn't take that?
[59] Do you have a bear at your zoo?
[60] We do.
[61] We have several.
[62] So what's your problem with the bear?
[63] Why wouldn't you want to spend more time with the bear?
[64] They're amazing.
[65] But I'm also really short and sometimes I like to work with things that I'm bigger then.
[66] So I don't think that's a problem.
[67] Me too.
[68] I only hire people who are smaller than me so I can lure it over them.
[69] That's everyone.
[70] Yeah, exactly.
[71] That's why I Yeah.
[72] That's why I fire anyone who's over 6 '4.
[73] Well, tell us, Joy, so you take care of these animals.
[74] How does one even get into zookeeping?
[75] How does that happen?
[76] So it is a very competitive field.
[77] So a lot of times when we're out there scrubbing poo, like is a lot of our job.
[78] They will turn to their kid and be like, see, if you don't, you know, go to school, you'll end up like that.
[79] And it's actually, we get a lot of schooling.
[80] I got a master's degree in biological sciences.
[81] And yes, scrubbing poo is part of it.
[82] But wait a minute.
[83] You're telling me that you're at the zoo taking care of the animals and sometimes you're picking up poo.
[84] and you'll hear a parent say to their kid, yeah, if you don't study her, you'll end up like that one.
[85] Have you actually heard someone say that?
[86] Who are these dicks?
[87] Yes.
[88] That's terrible.
[89] First of all, I'm sorry I said it.
[90] I was in a bad mood, and I was in Ohio, and I just was trying to check out the zoo, and I was with my kid, and he said, I don't have to go to college, and I saw, whatever.
[91] You weren't even with your kid.
[92] You just said that to a random kid.
[93] I said it to a random child.
[94] He started crying and said, who the fuck are you?
[95] So Joy, you take care of all these different animals.
[96] Tell me about tortoises because I've never connected with tortoises.
[97] I like animals, but I don't connect with the tortoise.
[98] I just don't.
[99] Oh, my gosh.
[100] On an emotional level.
[101] And maybe they're on to me. Maybe they know something.
[102] I don't, you know, they're picking up on a bad vibe.
[103] But I've never connected with the tortoise.
[104] In fact, most animals with a shell and I don't get along.
[105] I don't like a shrimp.
[106] I don't like any kind of mollusk.
[107] If it's got a shell, I tell it to go to hell.
[108] That's my motto.
[109] I'm not quite a gimmick.
[110] Yeah, the tortoise.
[111] Tell us about it.
[112] Okay, so they're amazing.
[113] And granted, yes, you can have some that are like, no, I don't want anything to do with you.
[114] But we, and personally in my care, we'll take care of our Aldabra tortoises that are 76 and 56 years old.
[115] And Bubba is the oldest animal at the zoo.
[116] He weighs about 567 pounds.
[117] And Sonny's about 100 pounds lighter than he is.
[118] You have a 76 -year -old tortoise?
[119] Mm -hmm.
[120] Does it talk a lot about how...
[121] Now, Eisenhower, Eisenhower was a president.
[122] He was a commander -in -chief, but also he had led troops in the field, unlike our current presidents.
[123] Take it easy, tortoise.
[124] Does, I mean, can you sense the wisdom of an animal that's been around for 76 years?
[125] Well, I don't know that I would go straight to wisdom, but charismatic, absolutely, hands down.
[126] So even just walking in to their yard and you say their name, a lot of times when they're not napping, they'll perk up.
[127] And they'll start coming over and walking over to you.
[128] And they love scritches on their neck and their shells.
[129] They stand up nice and tall, and they were, I mean, they're a day brightener.
[130] Like, if you're having a bad day, go hang out with R .L. Dauber tortoises.
[131] Sunny oftentimes, we'll come over to, and they just really just want, like, scritches.
[132] It's not helpful if you're trying to hose because oftentimes they will get in the way of the hose so you can bathe them.
[133] They really like getting spritz down.
[134] Doesn't it take them 40 minutes to come over to where you are?
[135] They're very slow, aren't they?
[136] You have such beef with tortoise.
[137] Well, I'm sorry, but.
[138] It depends.
[139] No, they're slow.
[140] If they are on a mission, they can move quickly.
[141] okay not in my experience they can move slowly yeah but a lot of times if you have a good you know if they want to hang out with you they're going to come over so a lot of times if we have to bring them inside for the evening because it's ohio and in the autumn and early spring it gets too cold for them to be outside we like to encourage them to come inside that's where they get their dinner and also you know we'll get encouragement for coming in so they'll see us back there, start chucking their way in.
[142] Sometimes they do a little lap, but yeah, they come over and...
[143] All right, I'm going to be honest with you, Joy, I've never met a charismatic tortoise, ever.
[144] I have to agree.
[145] You need to spend more time with twos.
[146] And can I say something?
[147] Your bar for charisma is super low.
[148] You were like, oh my God, these tortoises are so charismatic.
[149] A really, Joy, tell us, well, you call their name and they lift their head, then slowly make their way to you, and if you scratch them, they tend to seem to be okay with it.
[150] Wow, that's a real JFK.
[151] But here I am talking to you.
[152] Oh.
[153] So I have the equal amount of charisma as a tortoise.
[154] Hey, how do tortoises mate?
[155] Very carefully.
[156] So the males oftentimes on the underside of their shell will have like a concave indent.
[157] I have that.
[158] I have a concave indent.
[159] It's caused me a lot of shame.
[160] He'll mount the female, and then they kind of will tuck their tail underneath where their cloaca is, and they'll mate.
[161] Oftentimes, the males will make noises.
[162] They grunt.
[163] You usually can hear several buildings over when the tortoises are mating, because it's a very loud, yes, grunt.
[164] Like what?
[165] Oh, yeah.
[166] Well, yeah, but smaller ones.
[167] That could be a tortoise or anyone I know.
[168] I mean, I'm going to be honest with you.
[169] I might be part tortoise.
[170] Oh.
[171] I'm concave down there and I go, oh.
[172] Oh, come on.
[173] No, why don't give me body shame?
[174] I'm telling you about a very, I'm opening up here.
[175] Well, then you should be more into the tortoises.
[176] Yeah, is this self -loading?
[177] Yeah, because you, yeah, you see yourself in them.
[178] And maybe my shell is my sarcastic exterior.
[179] Yeah.
[180] Oh, we let deep.
[181] Uh, no, I just said some stuff and then we moved on.
[182] Okay, well, and you also take care of penguins?
[183] Yep.
[184] Describe these penguins.
[185] Are they the penguins that we see in cartoons, just that run around in bow ties and stuff?
[186] Is it those penguins?
[187] So they are a warm climate species of penguins that are in America.
[188] God, I'm so stupid.
[189] I can't believe you're putting up with any of this joy.
[190] You have all this education and knowledge.
[191] I'm like, ha, and these are the ones that have the, you know, the boats.
[192] They wait tables in cartoons.
[193] To be fair, we do have an Oswald Cobblepot to play into that.
[194] Oh, wow, that's the name of one.
[195] Oh, and he runs it like it's his colony, too.
[196] So he is kind of the villain.
[197] Is that an emperor penguin?
[198] No, so they are humbled.
[199] So they're South American or Peruvian penguins.
[200] They're medium size.
[201] They're smaller than a king and emperors are the largest.
[202] What's the largest penguin?
[203] How big would it get?
[204] like they can probably stand about well oh like species wise or like our penguins sorry no just any penguin i'm just curious what's the biggest penguin in the world you want to know if you can take it well let me hear the size first and then i'll i'll determine if i could fight it i don't work with emperors but i do believe they're probably closer to three and a half four feet i would have to fact check that because i've never worked with them but the ones i work with come up to my knee so they're like i don't know What's their personality?
[205] What's the personality of these penguins that you work with?
[206] The level of sass is probably a mixture of cats and high school girls.
[207] Oh, I would say.
[208] It's very sassy.
[209] Sassy, and do they get into it with each other and sort of gossip about each other?
[210] Oh, they're always yelling at each other, absolutely.
[211] Hanging out at the mall.
[212] Right.
[213] So, yeah.
[214] They try on makeup, but never buy it.
[215] Sorry.
[216] They steal scrunchies.
[217] Come on.
[218] A lot of things.
[219] You guys don't know anything about teenage girls.
[220] I know all about them.
[221] I know all about teenage girls.
[222] Okay.
[223] And Flamingos.
[224] You work with Flamingos.
[225] Absolutely.
[226] So they are taller than I am, some of them.
[227] We have a flock that, it has been my goal to name every single bird when I first started because they were just numbered.
[228] And I thought that was kind of a cop -out.
[229] I did that with Matt and Sona when they were first work here.
[230] Number eight and number three.
[231] 11 don't ask me why it's not even an order what happened in between you don't want to know let's just say they didn't work out and their families miss them so so you work with flamingos could you ever can someone ride a flamingo or flamingo aren't big a I'm thinking of like an ostrich not so much yeah no could a tortoise ride a flamingo what are you asking in this case size matters So I would say teeny tiny, yes, but it would probably fall off because flamingos are flirting, walking everywhere, flapping wings, bathing.
[232] They're not one to stay still for too long.
[233] Can I just say that you're a highly educated person who's worked very hard to take care of these animals?
[234] Is there some part of you that's insulted by the idiocy of my questions?
[235] It's kind of like the spice of life, so I'm not insulted.
[236] Good.
[237] Well, I would be if I were you.
[238] You should be.
[239] Well, there are a lot of children that come to her zoo probably, so she's used to it.
[240] I bet you even children don't go as low as.
[241] Does the tortoise ride to flamingo?
[242] Billy, you're stupid.
[243] Maybe I am.
[244] I mean, we keep a quote book at work for all the questions that we get, so, you know.
[245] I'm in there now.
[246] Well, do you have a question for me, Joy?
[247] I'm here to answer your questions and help you.
[248] any way I can.
[249] So one I have for you and the other, I need the help of you and the chill chums.
[250] The first one is just kind of fun.
[251] If you were a penguin, because they often bring offerings to their mates or mates to be, like rocks or special rocks or something, what would you bring to woo your penguin mate to be?
[252] Signed headshot.
[253] Jesus.
[254] Of you?
[255] Yeah.
[256] Oh, dear.
[257] Yeah.
[258] I'd have signed headshot.
[259] That's what I did with my wife.
[260] Oh, no. Yeah.
[261] I said, hey, you seem like a pretty nice lady here.
[262] Hold on a second.
[263] And I kept them in the trunk of my car.
[264] Oh, God.
[265] And I got out an eight.
[266] Oh, God.
[267] Yeah, I got out a headshot, a Conan O 'Brien headshot.
[268] And I wrote all best wishes.
[269] And she went for that?
[270] I used to have such respect for Eliza.
[271] I know.
[272] Wait, they're headshots of you?
[273] Yeah.
[274] Yes.
[275] No, they were Regis Philbin headshots that I kept in my trunk.
[276] I don't know.
[277] I would say, let's see if I really were a penguin.
[278] I'm going to say I would bring something that she could eat, you know, because I know how important food is in the animal kingdom, unlike humans.
[279] We don't need it.
[280] I would bring, I would bring like, what do they eat?
[281] Do they eat nuts, berries?
[282] What do they eat?
[283] Fish?
[284] Fish?
[285] I'd bring a herring.
[286] Yes.
[287] I'd bring a herring, but maybe with a little nut inside it.
[288] I would bring I want her a little treat in there that she could choke on and I could save her and then I'm the hero.
[289] If you fed a penguin and nut, would it choke?
[290] I would drop it.
[291] It'd be like absolutely not.
[292] Okay.
[293] I'd play with it but they probably wouldn't eat it.
[294] Okay, so nuts are out.
[295] All right, I'd bring a herring.
[296] I'd bring a herring with a little bow on it.
[297] Oh, you know what I'd do?
[298] I'd put it in a Tiffany's box.
[299] So she'd think she was getting a proposal and she'd be like, oh my God, I can't believe it.
[300] and then she'd get her friends to be filming it, you know, on YouTube, and then she'd open it up, and then it would be a herring, and she'd be disappointed.
[301] But then it would start trending.
[302] He'd be like, oh, man, that guy's fucked, you know.
[303] He blew it.
[304] Only it's two, penguin.
[305] Or penguai.
[306] What's the plural of penguin?
[307] Is it penguai?
[308] Penguam.
[309] Could a penguin ride a tortoise on top of a flamingo?
[310] Oh, my God.
[311] The tortoise and the penguin.
[312] These are adages.
[313] Like absurd fable from a drug addict.
[314] I know.
[315] I know.
[316] There once was a flamingo who was asked by a tortoise for a ride.
[317] Then a penguin came by and said, I can't eat a nut, but I'll play with it.
[318] Is this fable going anywhere, ASOP?
[319] I don't know.
[320] I'm making it up as I go along.
[321] Well, Joy, that's my answer.
[322] Herring in a, herring in a Tiffany box.
[323] And chill chums, anything you need to add to this equation?
[324] Did you say you had another question?
[325] Is that?
[326] I did.
[327] So this one is kind of important because my coworkers and I are known for naming our chicks, very elaborate names.
[328] For instance, our flamingos are named after it's always sunny and arrested development characters.
[329] And our penguins, we just kind of have free reign.
[330] So there's a Sharman mixed Nuggle Bomb who was named after the toilet paper crisis of 2020.
[331] Professor Phineas Sprinklebottom, who I have on my ur.
[332] Oh, wow, that's impressive.
[333] That's a great, that's a great, some great ink you got there.
[334] He's gorgeous.
[335] And then, like, the Honorable Cheddar McBloff, Esquire was named to make fun of us by our coworkers, but we thought it was great, so we kept it.
[336] So this is kind of where the bar is at with our characters that we have in our colony.
[337] So my question is, do you, Chill Chums, have some?
[338] some names that you would like to suggest for future chicks in our colony.
[339] Oh, gee.
[340] Wow.
[341] You guys can.
[342] Well, come on, do that.
[343] Come on, you guys, this is a, you've just been past the ball in a crucial game.
[344] Oh, okay.
[345] Clock is ticking.
[346] All right.
[347] It's not that hard.
[348] Just start throwing out some names.
[349] Sergeant microphone glass.
[350] But make sure you say what you're currently looking at.
[351] Can we take it again?
[352] Sergeant.
[353] Sergeant is my contribution.
[354] microphone glass okay but i'm wondering if you could just say what you're seeing in front of you when you do that microphone uh -huh glass okay that sounds good sergeant microphone glass uh esquire um but i thought you'd do a um armenian name and put an ian at the end oh sergeant microphoneian where does he live glendale oh come on that's not anything bad I know.
[355] It's not.
[356] I don't know why I think.
[357] Yeah, right.
[358] It's fine.
[359] So Sergeant Microphonian, no, Sergeant Microphone Glacian.
[360] Yeah, Glacier.
[361] That's good.
[362] Yeah.
[363] There you go, I'll go, little little cold bird in a hot, sweaty world, cluck, cluck, cluck, ping, wow, wow.
[364] What an asshole.
[365] You're telling me. Can a tortoise ride a penguin?
[366] That's great.
[367] I mean, these are good names.
[368] Are any of these usable so far?
[369] It might be a little struggle, but, you know, we might both don't work at it.
[370] What about just Ben?
[371] Just a simple name, like, hey, Ben.
[372] That's nice.
[373] You know, because you guys are getting into all it's Mr. Fluffer Nutter, Habel do.
[374] Oh, that's a good one.
[375] No, Ben.
[376] I like Ben.
[377] Ben, hey, Ben, what's up?
[378] Oh, how's Ben doing?
[379] They got away.
[380] Oh, well, that's Ben.
[381] You know what I mean?
[382] It just makes things simple.
[383] We do have a Bruce Banner, but.
[384] Oh, why does that penguin turn into like a mean penguin?
[385] So he was really spicy when he was younger.
[386] And if you didn't feed him his fish, so his herring a certain way, he would flip or slap you and get just really angry.
[387] So we kind of gave him a spicy name, especially too.
[388] He would carry around one of his toys and like rub it in the other penguin's faces and then like slap at it.
[389] So, yeah, very spicy.
[390] Why didn't you name him the Hulk instead of the mild -mannered version of the Hulk, Bruce?
[391] It turned out, so when he got angry, we would say, Bruce, come here.
[392] And we would start preening around his face, and he would calm down and just start preening his back.
[393] So it worked out perfectly.
[394] Yeah, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, I always say.
[395] And that's another name you can use.
[396] Joy, I think we've learned a lot about you.
[397] You seem very intelligent, and it seems like you're taking very good care of these animals.
[398] You have a lot of empathy and you seem like a very nice person.
[399] So I'm glad you're doing that.
[400] That's very nice.
[401] Thank you.
[402] It's free to come meet the tortoises and see the connection that you can make with our boys.
[403] I don't know.
[404] I don't like tortoises.
[405] We don't hit it off.
[406] You got to get out of that hotel room, Joy, because you've been in there for a while.
[407] Do you see the zookeeper's party?
[408] Oh my gosh, yes.
[409] Now we're talking.
[410] What do you do?
[411] We're a fun group.
[412] When there's a zookeeper convention, how does it get off da -hook?
[413] Yeah, how do zookeepers make?
[414] Oh, come on.
[415] I answer that one, but my husband who runs the poop truck is not going to like any of those questions.
[416] Your husband runs the poop truck?
[417] Oh, yeah.
[418] Why come him the poop smith, but yeah, he runs the compost truck.
[419] So you saw him go buying a poop truck and you said, I got to lock that down.
[420] No, no, we met at the Trash Compactor of Love.
[421] That's different.
[422] Oh.
[423] Well, anyway, so your husband drives the poop truck at the zoo.
[424] And is he with you on this convention?
[425] No, no, because we spend a lot of time in conferences, like presentations and stuff like that.
[426] And then at night, we'll do usually dinner and go out karaoke or whatever.
[427] Oh, karaoke.
[428] You guys going to do some drinking tonight, you think, at the zoo convention?
[429] There has been throughout the week.
[430] I actually have to run home tonight to pack and then fly out for.
[431] vacation tomorrow morning oh where you going hawaii oh you might see some interesting wildlife out there you never know hawaiian monk seals it's on the list nannes oh so when you go on a vacation you just make a list of the animals you hope you run into yeah partially so if there's a zoo nearby so we'll go to honolulu zoo absolutely when i go to new york i have a little list and it just says pigeon on I always check it off.
[432] Never a wasted trip.
[433] All right, Joy.
[434] It's been a lot of fun talking to you.
[435] And best of luck.
[436] You take care.
[437] Thank you.
[438] Thanks, Joyce.
[439] You as well.
[440] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[441] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley.
[442] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[443] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[444] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[445] Supervising producer Aaron Blaird, Associate Talent Producer Jennifer Samples, Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.
[446] Engineering by Eduardo Perez, please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[447] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.