Wanda Sykes

[0] Hello, my name is Wanda Sykes, and I feel somewhat trapped about being Conan O 'Brien's friend, because he's right here in front of me. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[1] Never we are going to be friends.

[2] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[3] This is a show where I, Conan O 'Brien, I talk to celebrities and interesting personalities, basically people I've had on my show over the years, and I try to see if we can become real friends, not just on -camera friends.

[4] I'm aided in my quest by my assistant Sona.

[5] Hi, hello.

[6] Hey, Sona.

[7] And I'm my producer Matt Gourley.

[8] Hi.

[9] Okay, today's guest is a guest, comedian who is brilliantly funny.

[10] She's been coming on my show for a very long time.

[11] I love her.

[12] Wanda Sykes.

[13] Okay, so it sounds to me like you're not enthusiastic about the idea of being my friend.

[14] You're not sure how you feel about it.

[15] You feel like this is a contrived situation.

[16] Yes.

[17] Yes.

[18] This isn't something that would naturally come about where you and I are a Frogert shop and we bump into each other, right?

[19] Well, you would never find me at a Frogert shop.

[20] So right there, you know absolutely nothing about me. If you would have said, oh, you know, walked into this, we were in the same bar or like one of those dumb junkets that we have to do.

[21] Yeah, we have to do junkets all the time.

[22] Yeah, and then if say, you know, we were at the hotel lounge or whatever.

[23] At a bar.

[24] Yeah.

[25] That's more of it.

[26] That's a situation that you could see unfolding much more than I walk into a Frogert shop.

[27] Uh -huh.

[28] And you're there having like a triple scoop cone, right?

[29] with organic.

[30] You know what?

[31] Maybe if I were with the kids, then you would catch me in a froggart shop.

[32] So maybe you know something there.

[33] I do.

[34] Maybe I know more about you than you think I do.

[35] Maybe.

[36] Maybe.

[37] I know you have twins.

[38] Yes.

[39] You have twins.

[40] That seems overwhelming to me. It was very, very overwhelming.

[41] I mean, the first week, I really was thinking that I might have to take one back.

[42] No, I honestly.

[43] I'm serious.

[44] I honestly thought that.

[45] But I was like, we have a boy and a girl.

[46] And I was just wondering which one would my wife pick to return.

[47] Right.

[48] And then I was like, she's not going to be in on this.

[49] I think I'm solo on this idea.

[50] You don't think she would have gone away with returning one.

[51] Nope.

[52] Is there a return policy?

[53] I don't even know.

[54] That sounds crazy.

[55] I mean, they're gorgeous kids.

[56] They're beautiful kids.

[57] A little, you know.

[58] No one's returning those kids.

[59] Yeah.

[60] Come on white, blonde hair.

[61] I could have.

[62] got a nice penny for one of them.

[63] You know what?

[64] You thought about this?

[65] Did you scout out what the prices are?

[66] Well, I mean, I didn't scout it out, but you made inquiries.

[67] I was pretty sure I can get six figures.

[68] You know what?

[69] That's a great way to say I love you to a child.

[70] I looked into it and you're worth six figures.

[71] And I kept you.

[72] My mother, I'm, you know, Irish Catholic, so a big surprise here.

[73] I'm one of six kids.

[74] Wow.

[75] And where do you fall in that line of six?

[76] I am in the middle.

[77] Now, a lot of people, math nerds are like, how can you be the middle of six?

[78] You don't care.

[79] I don't care.

[80] But I'm the third from the top and the third from the bottom.

[81] So, yeah, I think of myself as, wait, fourth from the bottom.

[82] That's not right.

[83] Wait, that's wrong.

[84] Yeah.

[85] That means there's another kid in here somewhere.

[86] That means there's seven.

[87] There is seventh.

[88] He didn't make it.

[89] We left him in the attic too long.

[90] You're supposed to crack a window.

[91] Anyway, I'm fourth from the bottom, third from the top.

[92] But my mom had a kid like every six months.

[93] I don't know.

[94] That's impossible.

[95] It's not if you have the Irish gene, you can have a child.

[96] You can have up to two children a year.

[97] Wow.

[98] Yeah.

[99] And so my mom had.

[100] Like litters then.

[101] It's craziness.

[102] Neil was born in 61, Luke in 62, Conan 63, Kate 64, Jane 67.

[103] What happened there?

[104] They waited a few years.

[105] Wow.

[106] Then Justin comes back.

[107] piling along right after that it's insanity and and uh it was the wild west in my house no one was no one was paying attention to us running around your kids are both being doused with love i bet all the time they're pretty yeah that's nice they get a lot of attention i need to be reparented i'd like to come to your house and be reparented by you and your wife if that's possible reparented i'd like you to be my parents you're a handful you don't want to deal with me no one wants full no one wants to deal with me. And you're so tall that puts a strain on my neck because now I'm always having to, you know.

[108] Like for us to be friends, you would have to agree that we have a lot of conversations like seated.

[109] I'm not going to be walking around with my neck up.

[110] What if I agreed to always be in a wheelchair?

[111] Oh, that's even better.

[112] One of those little scooter ones.

[113] I like that.

[114] That's even better.

[115] You and I walking down the street eating Frogert.

[116] Uh -huh.

[117] Wanda Sykes, Conan O 'Brien, and I'm in one of those electric.

[118] scooters.

[119] I like it.

[120] And we have adventures together.

[121] Yeah.

[122] Because what I've noticed is that I've known you for years, you came on my show very early on.

[123] Oh, man. Yeah.

[124] You were one of the people that came on very early on on the show, and we've known each other a long time, and I've always loved your comedy, and I love you as a person.

[125] I really do think you're terrific, and yet we're not friends, real friends.

[126] Yeah.

[127] And I'm thinking, and that happens a lot on my show where I really connect with people on the TV show and then TV show's over and buy and we hug and then you get in a big black SUV and you're driven away.

[128] And that's it.

[129] And I don't see you again unless it's another work thingy or...

[130] So you only come on my show to promote something?

[131] No, I've been on your show just to like hang out.

[132] But again, they have to ask.

[133] I think about it.

[134] I go, I have some funny stuff to say.

[135] Yeah, I'll go.

[136] But what I'm getting from this is you've never called the show and said, you haven't called me and I have nothing to promote, but I'd just like to see Conan.

[137] You've never done that.

[138] Nope.

[139] Can we get it hotter in here?

[140] Good Lord.

[141] What is going on?

[142] This is, we're going to switch room soon.

[143] This is, um, all right.

[144] This is a former.

[145] Big bread in here?

[146] We, we're making, uh, some rye, some rye bread in the back.

[147] It is warm in here.

[148] Yeah.

[149] This isn't the best, um, but we're going to get a better place.

[150] Okay.

[151] And so just chill.

[152] And then you're going to come back to the nicer place.

[153] But when I come back, hopefully between that time, we would have, you know, develop some type of a friendship.

[154] I hope so.

[155] It would maybe start with you inviting me to your house.

[156] Oh, that's a stretch right there.

[157] What do you mean that's a stretch?

[158] Wow.

[159] That is the most basic way.

[160] It takes a while.

[161] It takes a while to get into the house.

[162] Since the dawn of time, people have said, come to my home.

[163] That is how ancient people showed friendship and cordiality.

[164] And I just suggest it.

[165] And you shut me down so fast.

[166] When you make it to my house and I'm like, hey, come over, you know, hang out at my house.

[167] That's like I'll help you how to body friendship.

[168] Wow.

[169] Yeah.

[170] Okay.

[171] That's a stretch for me right now.

[172] Right now, we're still at the maybe...

[173] I'll meet you somewhere.

[174] You'll meet me in a neutral place.

[175] Yeah, let's hang out.

[176] Yeah.

[177] And then that goes well, and it's like, yeah, come on over, man. Okay.

[178] You just basically described, they always tell someone who's meeting, you know, a drug kingpin, meet him in a public place.

[179] Right, so he can't kill you.

[180] Yeah.

[181] That's how you're treating me. You're treating me like I'm a potential murderer.

[182] I wouldn't say murderer.

[183] No, that's a stretch.

[184] You know, like, we'll say, just like, just, you're getting to know someone.

[185] Okay.

[186] You know?

[187] Right.

[188] Just make sure it's a public place where there's a lot of people there.

[189] It doesn't have to be a lot of people.

[190] But you want some people there in case I, I start to flip out.

[191] Other people are there to restrain me physically.

[192] Yeah.

[193] We're going to be really good friends.

[194] You know, it's funny because we just mentioned, I just mentioned murderers, you and I've talked with you about this before, but we do share something in common.

[195] that we could talk about when we become real friends, which is we both love murder, love murder shows.

[196] You love them, don't you?

[197] I love them.

[198] I love them to the point where I had to, like, take a break from them because I was just, you know, looking at people as like, I bet you probably got a body in his trunk or...

[199] Really?

[200] Just looking at random people?

[201] Yeah, or I'll look at couples and I'll think, like, who's going to do it?

[202] Who's going to kill the other?

[203] Yeah, who's going to kill the other?

[204] And then, and then cry.

[205] on the local news and say, I can't believe.

[206] Oh, can't you call it out now?

[207] Yes.

[208] Like if someone goes missing and if the spouse is on on the news, don't you know?

[209] Yes.

[210] You can tell automatically.

[211] Right away.

[212] Yeah.

[213] Right away.

[214] Yep.

[215] I can do it from 9 -1 -1 calls.

[216] You can tell from a 911 call.

[217] Yep.

[218] You can just listen to the timber of their voice.

[219] And I go, oh, man. Yeah, he did that.

[220] What is he talking about?

[221] Because he's usually forcing it a little bit.

[222] Yeah.

[223] It's terrible.

[224] Or giving too much information.

[225] Yeah.

[226] Oh, my wife, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, and I could, because I was at McDonald's, and I had a, I had the meal number two, and, and, and, um, and, and, and, and, and, and, I had the receipt, I had, and I got home, and, and, and I, and, I didn't touch it, just to see if I could get it out.

[227] He's like, dude, you did it.

[228] You did it.

[229] That's so true.

[230] Yeah.

[231] That's been, yeah.

[232] I watch every single murder show.

[233] And there's that show, what is it, investigative files?

[234] What is that called?

[235] Forensic files.

[236] Forensic files.

[237] Oh, yeah, they take over headline news after a third time.

[238] So what happens is I've stumbled upon forensic files, and I've watched maybe 18 in a row.

[239] Oh, man. 18.

[240] was supposed to like pick up my son and I didn't and he's wandering in the woods alone and I'm watching a show and I'm and I can't I can't stop I just can't stop it and I'm just I'm fascinated by those shows yeah and I'm always fascinated by how many people murder for the smallest thing like he had some butterscotch candies and and his friend wanted three of them You know, so he went in there and just there's blood and hair on the walls and just to cry, you know, and then he leaves with two butterscotch gandies.

[241] I don't know, I would, I love murder so much that I have said many times, I would love to murder or even be murdered.

[242] If I was murdered, I'd be honored.

[243] Isn't that weird?

[244] That is so weird.

[245] Because I'd be like, I made it into the club.

[246] I'm such a fan of murder that someone murdered me. Yay, I made it.

[247] Someone took the time out to murder me. Someone took the time to murder me. And now I get to be in the, and now everyone gets to talk about who did it.

[248] And it's probably a weird message to put out there.

[249] Yeah, it is.

[250] It is.

[251] We've talked about this a lot, but I do think that you were in the best named movie of all time.

[252] And you know what I'm talking about.

[253] You can't get enough of it.

[254] I can't.

[255] I can't get enough of it.

[256] Pouty tang.

[257] Yeah.

[258] Every time I'm on the show, you, you've thrown.

[259] And the thing is, it's been, Putty Tang.

[260] Putty Tang.

[261] And the thing is, I don't know how long ago that was now.

[262] Good Lord.

[263] That was probably 2 ,000, yeah.

[264] 2016 years ago, maybe.

[265] Who knows?

[266] Someone out there knows exactly when it was.

[267] Exactly, yeah.

[268] If I was interviewing you when you were 110, I would ask you about Putty Tang.

[269] And regardless of what else you had done in your life, you know what I mean?

[270] Yeah.

[271] You could have just become the first African -American, American.

[272] woman to be elected president at the age of 110 years old.

[273] And my first question to you would be, let's talk about Pouti Teng.

[274] And then I'd be fired as an investigative journalist.

[275] Yes.

[276] It makes such an incredible idiot.

[277] Right.

[278] That'd be hilarious.

[279] It would make me laugh, though.

[280] I would enjoy it.

[281] If I can make you laugh, that's all I want to do.

[282] That's all I want to do.

[283] Do you have a podcast?

[284] Because if you don't, you're the only person who doesn't.

[285] I don't have a podcast.

[286] Would you like to have this one?

[287] I'll give it to you You're so generous Yeah They're not It's really It's just a couple of microphones And some guys I've never met I don't know them I'm happily going to give them to you Okay They all come in one van With all the equipment It really is like a dominoes It's like acme You can have You can have You know that's actually a good A good idea Would be a company That you call them up And within 30 minutes or less They come up And they set up a podcast In your house And then you do a podcast and it is available to automatically download for all of your friends.

[288] That's an idea.

[289] You could make some money off of it.

[290] Matt, would that work?

[291] That's basically what you got here.

[292] That's already happened.

[293] Yeah, that's why it's so hot in here is that we're in the back of a van.

[294] Right, back of a van.

[295] Yeah.

[296] But it's a nice van.

[297] Yeah.

[298] It's really not.

[299] It's really not.

[300] It's mine.

[301] It's home.

[302] Yeah.

[303] It's a nice van.

[304] I haven't seen shag carpet like this.

[305] Well, I got to sleep in it.

[306] In quite a while.

[307] Shag carpet.

[308] Oh, my God.

[309] But you know what?

[310] It is, uh, You probably get asked all the time by people because you're funny.

[311] You're a great guest.

[312] To do podcasts.

[313] Do podcasts.

[314] Do podcasts.

[315] And I was getting asked all the time to do podcasts.

[316] And I thought, I'm going to have a podcast just so I can.

[317] That's my excuse to not do other podcasts.

[318] Oh, I didn't think about that.

[319] See?

[320] If you didn't want to come here today, I could have just told you.

[321] You could have just said, I have my own podcast.

[322] I have my own podcast.

[323] I want them.

[324] I'm going to know you don't have one.

[325] No, everybody's got one.

[326] Maybe that'll be my podcast.

[327] And basically all it is is it's your day, you living your life, you put no effort into it.

[328] You're just miced for the day.

[329] Someone like this producer, Matt, chops it up into a podcast.

[330] Right.

[331] And people listen to it, they would.

[332] People like you, they would listen to it.

[333] And then it's your excuse for not doing a podcast.

[334] Yeah.

[335] It's your get out of jail free card.

[336] And all I can do is just talk about all the podcasts that I got out of doing because I'm doing this podcast.

[337] Yeah.

[338] There's no awkward conversation with Mark Maren.

[339] or Dax Shepard or Chaz Palman Terry.

[340] I mean, literally, everybody's got one.

[341] And now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on its beach house.

[342] Yep.

[343] No reason to get into this at length.

[344] I have a mortgage on my beach house.

[345] Got to pay it down.

[346] Did it take you a long time to get here today?

[347] Do you live close by?

[348] Please tell me it was this was not wrong.

[349] No, it's close by.

[350] My biggest fear in show business is putting people people out.

[351] I hate when I feel like I've taken someone out of their day.

[352] If I'm imposing on them, that makes me nuts.

[353] Makes me crazy.

[354] Yeah.

[355] I hope you at least got to run some errands on the way here or on the way back.

[356] Actually, I did.

[357] What'd you do?

[358] I stopped and picked up my kids from the bowling alley.

[359] Your kids?

[360] They're old enough to go to a bowling alley alone?

[361] No, they were with the old pair, nanny.

[362] Okay.

[363] For a second, I thought you just left them at the bowling alley.

[364] No. I don't just leave them.

[365] You like duct tape.

[366] Six figures, Conan, come on.

[367] Jesus, you don't leave that money around like that.

[368] That's 12 figures.

[369] I think that's how it works.

[370] Still not getting that.

[371] I'm not good at the math.

[372] When they do bowl, do they put the guards up on either side?

[373] You know those little guardrails that come up?

[374] They do.

[375] I worry about those.

[376] But when they bowl with me, I make them put them down.

[377] Good, because my son, the first time I took them bowling, those guard rails came up.

[378] And he took the ball and he whipped it.

[379] and it caromed off each 15 times on the way down and then accidentally knocked over a couple of pins and he turned and looked at me like I did it.

[380] I did it, Daddy, and I thought this generation is done.

[381] Right, yeah.

[382] They're done before they even got started.

[383] This kid, a turkey, could have nudged a ball and it would have knocked down as many pins as my sons did because it just bounced off and he had this look of elation.

[384] Yeah.

[385] And I lost.

[386] I'm like, what is this?

[387] No, put the railings down.

[388] Yeah.

[389] And if you're going to throw, you know, 20 gutter balls in a row, so be it.

[390] Learn now.

[391] You'll learn now.

[392] Yeah.

[393] Yeah.

[394] That's the generation.

[395] There was a generation that understood that.

[396] And they fought World War II.

[397] Yep.

[398] Well, they actually started World War II.

[399] They told them the greatest generation.

[400] I think it's bullshit.

[401] He started as much as they made a mess and they cleaned it up.

[402] Anyway, that's going to get me in trouble.

[403] Yeah.

[404] Like Brocau, here's that?

[405] Like Broca's listening to my podcast?

[406] He probably has a podcast.

[407] I don't think he has a podcast.

[408] No, no. He's carving a radio out of wood right now.

[409] I don't know what I'm real.

[410] We talked about pornography last time, but I forget what we talked about.

[411] They have no idea.

[412] It was that your son knew the term pornography and learned it from The Simpsons.

[413] That's right.

[414] Yeah, my son came up to me and said, what's pornography?

[415] and I said, well, Beckett, why do you know that?

[416] And he said, because I was watching an episode of The Simpsons where they talk about pornography, and it's an episode that you wrote.

[417] And that was an awkward dad moment for me. So what did you do?

[418] I said that's a different Conan O 'Brien.

[419] I'll go to your room.

[420] I did.

[421] I said that.

[422] I believe in the old school.

[423] I bet I bet I, I bet, did you ever have your mouth washed out with soap as a child?

[424] No. I did.

[425] Oh, literally?

[426] Yes.

[427] Oh, wow.

[428] washed out with soap.

[429] They got a woman to look after us who was from Prince Edward Island named Eva Murphy.

[430] She was old school and my parents weren't in the house and I said some word I wasn't supposed to say.

[431] I remember she took me into the bathroom and she put dial, she wet some dial soap and in and out of my mouth and what I remember is that it caked on the back of my teeth.

[432] Oh.

[433] Yeah.

[434] You turned out okay.

[435] You turned it around, right?

[436] What do you mean right?

[437] Why did you write at the end?

[438] The question mark.

[439] You turned it around and then you said, right?

[440] You'll only meet, You don't want me in your house.

[441] Right.

[442] You'll only meet me in a public place.

[443] Uh -huh.

[444] Well, okay.

[445] And you said that you'd like other people to be there in case I suddenly become physically crazy.

[446] You said you'd like to be murdered.

[447] So I'm pretty sure that all the things I've said, you can just throw those out the window.

[448] And let's just start with, you said you'd like to be murdered.

[449] That's true.

[450] That's pretty creepy.

[451] You totally won.

[452] That's creepy.

[453] You won.

[454] Okay.

[455] You looked around the room like, are there enough people here?

[456] Yes, you're fine.

[457] This isn't a trap.

[458] This isn't a trick.

[459] Wanda, you're allowed to leave at any time, okay?

[460] You're allowed to leave at any time.

[461] She's just horrifying.

[462] I think that this podcast, we may end up only doing like two or three of these because my effort to find a real friend is, it's a mirror that I'm looking into.

[463] That's what I'm seeing.

[464] I'm seeing myself.

[465] And I don't like what I see, Wanda.

[466] I don't like what I see, a very sad, needy man. What are the things that you enjoy doing?

[467] I mean, do you like to travel or when, like, when you take the show on the road?

[468] I love doing that.

[469] Okay.

[470] Do you travel outside of doing it for the show?

[471] Yes, yes, I do.

[472] So you do enjoy travel?

[473] I do enjoy traveling.

[474] Where do you like to go?

[475] Oh, I see what you're doing.

[476] Now it is your podcast.

[477] I like this.

[478] Where do I like to go?

[479] I love to go to Europe.

[480] I love to see things that are a lot older than I am.

[481] It calms me down.

[482] When you see a, like a, when you're in a building that's like 800 years old, I just think, oh yeah, I don't matter in a good way, not in a bad way.

[483] No, no, I get it.

[484] I think when I'm in cities that have been around, when I'm in Jerusalem, I just think, what am I worried about?

[485] This has been here so long.

[486] We're all here for such a short time.

[487] Relax.

[488] I get a great perspective.

[489] And it lasts for about 18 minutes.

[490] And then I'm right back into, I got to make more of my TV shows.

[491] And that's not enough.

[492] I need a podcast.

[493] I need even more than that.

[494] I must have more.

[495] And so it's tough.

[496] It's tough.

[497] But I love the perspective you get from travel.

[498] Do you travel a lot?

[499] Yeah, I do.

[500] Go to Europe often, France.

[501] Because my wife is French.

[502] It's so great to be with someone who speaks the language.

[503] I'd be a nice trip for the three of us.

[504] You, your wife, and me in France.

[505] Not hearing anything from you.

[506] this is the longest silence on a podcast that has been recorded, I think, yet.

[507] I could stay in a separate hotel, but we would meet in the morning and we would spend the day with each other.

[508] Now you're just exhaling.

[509] You know what I heard is nice?

[510] What?

[511] A barge cruise.

[512] In France, yeah, because you can hop on and off.

[513] Yes, and you go through the whole country.

[514] Yeah.

[515] You can get off, grab a bike.

[516] You can steal a bike.

[517] You can take any bike.

[518] It's not a crime in France.

[519] Oh, yeah, it's not a crime.

[520] As long as you put a loaf of bread in the basket, it's not a crime.

[521] Yeah, exactly.

[522] A loaf of bread in the basket.

[523] And if you're going to be gone with the bike for, like, over three hours, you got to put a beret on.

[524] You know, they have it all worked out.

[525] That's what's great.

[526] Are you going to do that?

[527] We're looking into that.

[528] No crime.

[529] All right.

[530] Well, I'll look into it too.

[531] I'll let you know.

[532] I'm going to wait by the phone.

[533] Okay.

[534] Until you call.

[535] All right.

[536] And I will go with you.

[537] And we will try.

[538] travel on a barge.

[539] You know, maybe instead of going all the way to France, maybe let's just start small.

[540] Like, like, maybe go to Canada first, you know, like.

[541] Oh, I thought you meant, Montreal.

[542] Montreal's nice.

[543] Yeah.

[544] I thought you meant.

[545] They speak French there, so we can, like, go there and test it.

[546] Okay.

[547] See if we, you know.

[548] Right.

[549] I was thinking when you said start small that we would stay in L .A., there is an L .A. And we could find a place, a part of it that has some water.

[550] Okay.

[551] and we could probably go as far as like 50 or 60 feet and then get out and spray paint something on the...

[552] Tag something and then all run in different directions.

[553] But yes, I think you're right.

[554] I think it's smart to test it out.

[555] Test it out and see if we're all copacetic.

[556] We all get along.

[557] Yeah, now I'm thinking, oh, we can just go down to the All -Bompon, you know, and grab a croissant or something.

[558] I could do that.

[559] Okay.

[560] Let's try that first.

[561] Let's try that first.

[562] We're going to do that.

[563] You hear that?

[564] We're going to, Wanda Sykes and I are going to go to an Albon Palm.

[565] Don't give them the address because which one.

[566] Don't tell them which one.

[567] Right.

[568] I don't want to see you get murdered.

[569] Well, that's weird because it's actually what I'm dreaming of to actually have all those guys standing around me and saying, wonder what happened.

[570] Man, that's cool.

[571] Thank you so much for coming in.

[572] Oh, wait a minute.

[573] Have you sometimes, right, when one of your investigation discovery, run your thing.

[574] Flip over to BET and watch some black murder.

[575] Really?

[576] Drama.

[577] Wait a minute.

[578] I know.

[579] I don't know why we have to segregate murder.

[580] Somehow murder gets segregated.

[581] But wait a minute.

[582] How is the BETT murder channel different?

[583] It's called fatal attraction.

[584] It's just black people getting murdered.

[585] But how do you notice, what's the, is there a cultural difference in murdering?

[586] It's usually infidelity.

[587] Right.

[588] Yeah, it's usually infidelity.

[589] Like, you're not going to see on the black murder, you know, somebody killed their neighbor because the dog wouldn't stop barking.

[590] Right.

[591] Infidelity.

[592] Yeah, that's white murder.

[593] That's white murder.

[594] Yeah.

[595] Also, white people love to murder each other over insurance policies.

[596] Yes.

[597] And it's always...

[598] And it's always...

[599] And it's always...

[600] You don't have insurance policy.

[601] And it's always for incredibly, like, there was an $800 deductible that he managed to get by killing his wife in a murder that cost him $10 ,000.

[602] I'm going to do that.

[603] I'm going to start watching because as a country, we need to come together.

[604] So I pledge to now start watching murder on the BET channel.

[605] And I'm going to do that.

[606] Tell me what you think about that.

[607] I will.

[608] I'll tell you when we're at the Al Bon Pan.

[609] Okay.

[610] That's a date.

[611] A date.

[612] Some of you didn't think I could do it.

[613] One is a tricky one, but I did it.

[614] Wanda Sykes, thank you so much.

[615] Thank you.

[616] A pleasure, an honor.

[617] And I hope to see you.

[618] very very soon and silence and silence and now it's time for another installment of Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house one follow -up question Wanda on a scale of basically one to 10 10 being best what do you think are your chances or the likelihood of being friends with Conan after that discussion I would say and you can speak freely he's not in the room right right um i would i would say like a uh 6 .5 you feel safe with him do i feel safe with him oh god no i will have a weapon on me okay good all right yeah so 6 .5 with a weapon we'll put that little aster 6 .5 with a weapon any weapon of choice pack and heat okay thank you very much you're welcome now it's time for conan gives a performance review Can I give a performance review of how you just said performance review?

[619] Now it's time for Conan to give a performance review, which I think is a better way to say it than what you said.

[620] I'm impressed.

[621] This is not your native language, and I'm very impressed.

[622] It is actually my second language, so, yeah, this joke's on you.

[623] I'm impressed that you know seven languages.

[624] I know three.

[625] Okay.

[626] How many do you know?

[627] I am impressed.

[628] I was saying I am impressed.

[629] I only know five, so good for you.

[630] Now it's time for Conan to give a performance review.

[631] All right.

[632] I have a very good staff.

[633] I want to start by saying that.

[634] But I think one of the reasons we have such a good staff is that I'm, well, I'm tough on them.

[635] And I let them know when they've let me down.

[636] And I also like to praise them.

[637] So it's the whole rainbow of emotions.

[638] But more putting down than praising.

[639] I see the face you're making.

[640] Today we're going to give a performance review to someone who's been on my staff for a very long time.

[641] Aaron Blair.

[642] Aaron, what would you say as your title on the show?

[643] I don't even know.

[644] I don't know either.

[645] You're the web guy.

[646] Yeah.

[647] When people ask, I say web guy.

[648] You're a web guy.

[649] You've been with me a long time.

[650] Anyone who's watched my clueless gamers that's Aaron Blair.

[651] Aaron, you've been with the show, how long?

[652] Oh my God.

[653] I started as an intern in 2001.

[654] Yeah, you started in 2001.

[655] You were a young kid at the time.

[656] Still gray hair, though.

[657] Yes.

[658] You've always had, you've had gray hair.

[659] you look like Newt Gingrich when you were 14 years old.

[660] That's true.

[661] It is incredible.

[662] Yeah, you know, I felt like, you know, I made it work.

[663] No, you do.

[664] You make it work.

[665] I wasn't criticizing you in any way.

[666] I was just saying it was striking that you had this gray hair.

[667] And I thought, oh, my God, Newt Gingrich is walking around the office.

[668] Oh, wait, no, that's a 14 -year -old boy.

[669] You have completely gray hair.

[670] Yes.

[671] Okay.

[672] And you have a completely gray beard.

[673] Right.

[674] But then it is colored dark brown, your mustache, and right just below where your chin goes.

[675] Yeah.

[676] It looks like you're a gray -haired person who stuck his face into a bowl of cocoa to take a sip.

[677] Okay.

[678] So my question is, are you coloring that part?

[679] No, no. Why would I color this part?

[680] Because it's so, I don't understand how it's - Why would...

[681] I'm asking you.

[682] Well, no. To answer your question, no, I'm not coloring that part.

[683] That's just what God has given me. But, Sonny, do you know what I'm talking about?

[684] Isn't that a little unusual looking?

[685] Doesn't it look like he dipped down?

[686] There was some...

[687] There was a hole in the ice.

[688] He was walking through the woods with completely gray beard.

[689] There was a hole in the ice.

[690] He dipped down and saw a chocolate stream running under the ice.

[691] But the hole would only accommodate an area slightly larger than his mouth.

[692] So he dipped down to sip it.

[693] And it got his mustache and the bottom of his chin.

[694] Yeah, I don't get beards.

[695] Yeah.

[696] So let's talk about you and your performance.

[697] You have done a lot.

[698] I'll go on the record.

[699] Blay was one of the first people to push me to expand my foolishness onto the internet and to shoot silly little things.

[700] And you do a spectacular job.

[701] You won us an Emmy for your work.

[702] So you would think two.

[703] I want two.

[704] for you.

[705] Settle down, pal.

[706] All right, I'm just saying.

[707] Okay, I got one of those two, remember?

[708] No, I got you two of them.

[709] I know.

[710] All right.

[711] Oh, you got them from me. Well, I mean, you got me Emmys?

[712] No, I didn't.

[713] You got me Emmys?

[714] I didn't get using your work.

[715] When you talk, using my work.

[716] Using the clay that you have get.

[717] Oh my God.

[718] I got you two Emmys?

[719] No, I got you two Emmys.

[720] You don't get.

[721] Who the hell do you think you are?

[722] Through me, you've won yourself two Emmys?

[723] What do you want to say?

[724] What do you want me to say?

[725] Yes.

[726] How about despite you?

[727] Despite you, this is going, despite you, just what, just man, I was about to give you such a good performance review, when you.

[728] Damn it.

[729] No, you're doing an amazing job, and I do mean that sincerely.

[730] I have a few notes for you.

[731] Oh, boy.

[732] You know I think that you, sometimes on camera, are way too loud and you clap your hands a lot and you act like you're running a children show and you yell.

[733] And we do a lot of live streams together.

[734] and you really are sometimes acting like a circus performer who knows that he has seconds to live if he doesn't amp up the energy just a little more.

[735] So I'm telling you, as you've got to calm down just a little bit.

[736] Right.

[737] Okay, you're comfortable getting that feedback?

[738] I mean, you've given me this feedback quite a bit and in public many times.

[739] Yes.

[740] So now, can I just say I realize I'm being allowed?

[741] Can I explain?

[742] You know what I never get?

[743] And this is great.

[744] I never get the chance to explain to not talk back to you, but whatever the nice way to say that is, explain my position.

[745] Okay.

[746] And I'm glad we have this form so I can do this.

[747] Okay.

[748] Because what happens is...

[749] You realize if this starts to go south on me at any point, I will cut this off.

[750] I'll be shocked.

[751] Go ahead.

[752] Go ahead.

[753] When we're doing a live stream or something, my voice sounds crazy.

[754] You're yelling right now.

[755] I know, because I'm very amped up.

[756] Okay.

[757] They're adjusting dials all across this building.

[758] Engineers are weeping.

[759] Yeah, they're pulling levers.

[760] It's like that scene where the Titanic's just about to hit the iceberg, and they're turning giant wheels, and they're shoving huge levers into reverse to try and veer us back into a normal sonic level.

[761] But go ahead, shouter.

[762] I did a lot of choir when I was younger.

[763] I project.

[764] Okay, don't laugh at that.

[765] So I had to turn away.

[766] Why is that funny?

[767] Choir is a thing.

[768] You know, he was the gray -haired.

[769] He was the gray -haired boy in the choir.

[770] I was.

[771] I was.

[772] I heard tenor.

[773] Second tenor, yeah.

[774] That was the second tenor.

[775] Second tenor.

[776] Her head second tenor.

[777] And I'm just saying, so I naturally project quite a bit.

[778] Now, to do live streams, I feel like people are watching on their phones very small.

[779] You have to overcompensate really to get it out, you know, to do it.

[780] Right.

[781] So bored.

[782] You look at me with like dead eyes.

[783] No, I'm, well, first of all, I died inside a long time ago.

[784] Okay.

[785] So I feel like I have to overcompensate for that.

[786] Yeah.

[787] So I feel like that's what it's.

[788] It's all brute force.

[789] I don't have your talents of being hilarious, so I have to be just energetic.

[790] Well, I'm going to say you are a funny fellow.

[791] Oh, we'll say.

[792] And I don't put yourself down.

[793] That's my job to put you down.

[794] Yes, chocolate stream.

[795] I understand.

[796] And I also, I have to say, I do appreciate that that always gives me something to start with whenever we're doing something.

[797] Right.

[798] And I come into a room and you're doing a live stream and you're yelling, that's the first thing I do.

[799] And so it's a little like peanut butter and jelly.

[800] It works well together.

[801] And then you punch me for the next 20 minutes.

[802] I do.

[803] Here's another thing I do.

[804] I punch you often because you're a big guy and you can take a punch.

[805] That's true.

[806] Punch you a lot in the shoulder.

[807] Then your parents didn't like it.

[808] That's true.

[809] They didn't like that I was punching you.

[810] That's true.

[811] And here's a negative performance review for you.

[812] You communicated that to me. Now, I think you should have just kept that to yourself.

[813] but I think you telling me that your parents don't like it when I punch you I thought that was putting me in a very uncomfortable emotional position as the person punching you Well, to be fair, this is the most ridiculous complaint.

[814] I want to punch you, but I don't want to hear any negative comments from your family.

[815] Well, only what my dad didn't like it, my mom says, like, do it more.

[816] She enjoys it.

[817] Your mom likes it when I punch you.

[818] She enjoys it, yes.

[819] And I, I, you once explained to me that coming from brothers, very early on, to your credit, you said, I'm going to hit you quite a bit.

[820] It's because I, it's because I can't hit my brothers.

[821] So I'm going to hit you because they're not within arms length.

[822] There are certain writers that I'm comfortable tackling and fighting, which is ridiculous and absurd.

[823] And I know that they're okay with it.

[824] Yes.

[825] I think they're okay with it.

[826] I may ask them someday if they're okay with it.

[827] There was one or a particular I remember.

[828] I was either an intern and just started, and I walked by in the old late -night offices, you had been fighting and you have his head.

[829] Whose head?

[830] Michael Komen, his head, who you used to fight with a lot.

[831] You're holding it down to the desk.

[832] And as I walk by, you go, hey, hey, come here.

[833] Blake, come here.

[834] I was like, yeah.

[835] And you go, hold his head here.

[836] Just hold it here.

[837] And if I walk by and his head is not on the thing and you're not holding it, you're fired.

[838] I was like, oh, my God.

[839] And so I held it for like 30 seconds.

[840] And he was, he's just kidding.

[841] And I was like, oh, and I left.

[842] Michael Coleman, brilliant writer, but he had that coming.

[843] I love Michael Coleman, but, and I fully admit to that kind of madness.

[844] I'm an insane person.

[845] And he ripped your shirt.

[846] That's why that happened.

[847] He did.

[848] He tore my shirt.

[849] He tore my shirt.

[850] Which enraged me. Yes.

[851] Let's, let's move on to areas that won't get me in legal trouble.

[852] You wear ironic watches constantly.

[853] That's true.

[854] Every day you were a different, an ironic watch.

[855] And this is a negative part of your performance review.

[856] Sometimes you'll wear a watch where all the numbers are scrambled.

[857] Or you'll wear a watch that has no numbers.

[858] Or you'll wear a watch that has no information but just a pancake on it.

[859] That's true.

[860] Yeah, this is my grandpa's watch.

[861] That's a real watch.

[862] It's ironic.

[863] It's strange.

[864] It's weird that I'm bringing this up today because this is one of the only times I've seen you wear a watch that isn't made to look like a mini toilet seat.

[865] Well, that's true.

[866] Or, oh, look, it's a steaming piece of poop.

[867] and it stopped steaming at 1230.

[868] It's limited attention.

[869] Yeah, exactly.

[870] What is the watch thing?

[871] I don't know.

[872] You know, I'm a wacky guy.

[873] Never say that.

[874] Okay, I'm sorry.

[875] Never say that.

[876] Well, you know, I mean, okay, I'm not a wacky guy.

[877] I enjoy, I enjoy color and I enjoy, I think, I mean, psychologically it's probably, well, you know what, guys don't get to word jewelry.

[878] We don't get, no, it's true.

[879] And guys don't really get to dress up.

[880] Like I, you know, it's like, oh, you wear like a tie.

[881] You do when you're older.

[882] I've appreciated dressing up a little more as I, I'm wearing a tie right now.

[883] You are and you look right.

[884] But that's all, that's all I'm wearing.

[885] You can't, thank God it's long.

[886] Well, anyway, the point is.

[887] You know what?

[888] So I wear an ironic watch because I want somebody across the room to be able to see, see the kind of person I am from far away.

[889] Okay, here's the next part of your performance review.

[890] We're doing very well on the internet, don't you think?

[891] I would say so, yes.

[892] Okay.

[893] Why am I not much bigger on the internet?

[894] What do you mean?

[895] You're huge.

[896] No, no, no. I mean, I think there's a lot you must not be doing.

[897] I want to be the, because, you know, we're not at Kardashian levels.

[898] Okay.

[899] Okay.

[900] And you know what I want to say?

[901] Let's be honest.

[902] Let's be honest.

[903] You know.

[904] This is going to be great.

[905] I can't wait to hear what you're about to say.

[906] Well, all I know is every time I turn on Sona, jump in.

[907] When I turn on my phone or my computer, I see what the Kardashians are up to or who they're dating or who, hold it, who threw shade and black china.

[908] and who diss Travis Scott and who got a new butt and stuff like that.

[909] And I'm thinking, I've got a new butt.

[910] You know, why, why are, why am I not part of that discussion?

[911] Anybody?

[912] And I think I blame.

[913] I have a theory.

[914] Go ahead.

[915] They show their boobs a lot.

[916] And you, that's what I was going to say.

[917] Do not.

[918] Are you saying that they are considered sexier than I am, more sexual?

[919] Yes, they are definitely sexier.

[920] They have, you know, very voluptuous bodies.

[921] and they show it off.

[922] I mean, if you show, like, your butt more often in, like, a thong, maybe.

[923] Be honest, be honest.

[924] Tell them that I, about my butt.

[925] Tell them.

[926] You don't seem to have one.

[927] They have, they have a lot.

[928] There is literally nothing there.

[929] Yeah, but you know what?

[930] It is a straight drop.

[931] I had a carpenter check it out.

[932] My butt, not only does it not go out.

[933] It goes in.

[934] Oh, God.

[935] There's like an area where you can, there's just a big carved out indentation there.

[936] I can't keep pants on.

[937] Why did a carpenter check out your butt?

[938] You know, but can I say one of the best things, not best things, one of the very popular things we did was when you wore jiggings.

[939] You remember that?

[940] Yeah, I remember that.

[941] Yeah, if you wore some tight, like Tissona said, if you showed that off, even if you got nothing.

[942] Here's the problem.

[943] Show it off, you know?

[944] Here's the thing, why'd you say even if you got nothing?

[945] Well, I'm saying, well, I don't know.

[946] I'm saying, maybe you should be a little sexy.

[947] year you know you might be a mistake you come out you come out in a suit every day you know try try maybe the jacket no shirt gold gold well i'm just throwing i'm just i'm just have you seen my chest i prefer not have you seen my chest i would really like not to i look like someone i don't my chest is uh you know a sunken chest um it's the chest of someone who's been in the coal mines for many many years yeah so i don't but if you showed it off i guarantee there's a fetish for everything people would be into the sunken chest Guaranteed, like Kardashian level?

[948] I guarantee not, well, they might not be the people you want, but, you know, sunken chess fetish, could get into that.

[949] You're in charge or, you know, you are at the helm of my web presence in many regards.

[950] Why are you not figuring out a way for me to break the internet?

[951] I think we've broken it.

[952] No. This podcast is doing well.

[953] What more do you want?

[954] What would be?

[955] Don't ever ask me what more do I want?

[956] I want.

[957] But would you want to be, what, the head of a country?

[958] Like, what are you looking for out of the internet?

[959] Remember when Kim Kardashian had that picture that showed her opening champagne and the stream of champagne was going up in the air?

[960] I do remember that.

[961] And then it made an arc in the air and then it landed on her butt crash.

[962] But she has a butt.

[963] You can't do that.

[964] It goes straight to the floor.

[965] You can't do the champagne on the butt because you have nothing.

[966] Photoshop.

[967] You don't have the things that she has.

[968] Thank you.

[969] She also shows off, like, on a private plane and, like, really fancy clothes.

[970] Can I say something?

[971] Here's my leather journal.

[972] Here's my new book about the people who live in bogs in 1910 and what they ate.

[973] That's not.

[974] I took a selfie, to be fair.

[975] I was on a U .S. air flight that was fairly unoccupied.

[976] And I took a self -portrait of me writing in my journal.

[977] And I gave that to you to put on the internet.

[978] And then I waited for the whole thing to blow up.

[979] Remember?

[980] You got U .S. Air flight.

[981] What is that?

[982] What are you talking about?

[983] That's nothing.

[984] You were, you know, you were in business.

[985] You weren't even in first.

[986] You know what first costs on U .S .A?

[987] But I'm just saying you weren't, that's not like bling, bling, you know?

[988] You're saying, but okay, so you're saying I have to get on like a Southwest flight and be in the front.

[989] Yeah, you should check in very early.

[990] You're missing the point.

[991] He's missing the point.

[992] You know what?

[993] Here's what you need.

[994] It's just, it's the internet runs on everything else.

[995] It's sex appeal.

[996] It's popularity.

[997] It's throwing.

[998] When was the last time you threw shade at somebody?

[999] Sona, don't you think he should start a feud?

[1000] He should definitely...

[1001] You need a good beef.

[1002] You need a beef.

[1003] You need a good beef.

[1004] How about I go after Taiga?

[1005] You don't know who Taiga is.

[1006] You heard it once.

[1007] Now you keep saying it.

[1008] I don't know who Taiga is.

[1009] But I will tell you I have a lot of beef with Taiga now.

[1010] What about like who's somebody who you like...

[1011] Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but like who's somebody who you know a lot about.

[1012] Oh, don't, don't beef with...

[1013] No, no, don't beef.

[1014] But what about if you beef with like...

[1015] It's somebody who you know a lot about who's still alive.

[1016] Who's cool?

[1017] Who's cool?

[1018] Yeah, like somebody like, I know like Taft.

[1019] Don't you have issues with Taft?

[1020] Who's the...

[1021] You said still alive.

[1022] But no, I was saying...

[1023] Then you're the first person you lift is dead.

[1024] No, I mean, you know what I...

[1025] What if I'm the first person to have beef with a historical figure?

[1026] But they can't beef back.

[1027] They can't beef back.

[1028] No, but I think this is that...

[1029] Hold on.

[1030] Just settle down.

[1031] Here's the problem with you.

[1032] You don't think, what if I get into beef, you know, I can't get into beef with Taiga because I don't know who what Tyga is all about.

[1033] And I can't get into beef with Black China.

[1034] And you know what I mean?

[1035] and you know Kendrick Lamar and all these different people I can't get into beef with them because no one's gonna they're not gonna know who I am it's the whole thing's not gonna work but what if I'm the first person who starts to have legitimate beef with you know I've got a beef with Hamilton Fish what who's Hamilton Fish exactly look it up everyone look up Hamilton Fish or look up you know Elehue Root I have beef with him he was in Theodore Roosevelt's administration No. I have beef with Tsar Nicholas, you know, the last czar of Russia.

[1036] I have, you know, I have major, he shouldn't have dissolved the Duma.

[1037] Then maybe the Russian Revolution wouldn't have happened.

[1038] I'm here in a future segment for this podcast.

[1039] I know gold when I hear it.

[1040] Can I tell you something?

[1041] This blows up.

[1042] Because then we get someone to start writing back to me in the voice of that person, you know.

[1043] I just have, I have, I have, me. Major Beef with Hubert Humphrey.

[1044] Yeah.

[1045] And then he has beef with me back.

[1046] I have major beef.

[1047] It's called Major Beef, by the way.

[1048] Major Beef, definitely called Major Beef.

[1049] I have Major Beef with Secretary of State Seward from the Lincoln administration.

[1050] No. Yeah.

[1051] I don't think he should have purchased Alaska.

[1052] And I consider it Seward's Folly.

[1053] Oh, God.

[1054] And this is the kind of stuff that, okay, I know what you're all thinking.

[1055] This is stupid.

[1056] You would learn from my beef.

[1057] My beef would educate.

[1058] Educational beef.

[1059] Yeah, it's educational beef.

[1060] We would learn from your major beef.

[1061] From my beef would you learn?

[1062] Yes.

[1063] You would all learn from my beef.

[1064] People would think, man, Conan and Secretary of State Seward are really getting into it.

[1065] And then kids will just, because they're into beef, start to know about, yeah, maybe Seward shouldn't about Alaska.

[1066] It'll be so big that Kardashians will want to be on you, you'll be like, no, you're not historically significant enough.

[1067] Exactly.

[1068] Yeah, exactly.

[1069] So I, we're going to do that, and that's going to blow up.

[1070] That's going to break the internet.

[1071] Major beef.

[1072] Major beef.

[1073] Okay, wrap up this performance review.

[1074] Yes, please.

[1075] Blay, you are an excellent and crucial part of my team.

[1076] Thank you.

[1077] Sometimes you speak too loudly.

[1078] I wish you took your watches more seriously.

[1079] What would you rate me?

[1080] What's the scale and how would I rate on the scale?

[1081] Of your performance at the show?

[1082] Yeah, like, what is it?

[1083] What do you rate?

[1084] what am I rated out of?

[1085] Okay.

[1086] The scale is eight stars.

[1087] Okay.

[1088] And I'm giving you six stars.

[1089] Okay.

[1090] Uh, plus half a moon.

[1091] Okay.

[1092] It's confusing, but it works out too.

[1093] That's very good.

[1094] Oh, well, thank you.

[1095] It's not perfect.

[1096] All right.

[1097] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1098] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1099] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1100] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[1101] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1102] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1103] Got a question for Conan?

[1104] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1105] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1106] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1107] on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1108] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.