Desus & Mero

[0] Hi, my name is Jesus Nice, and I feel like a diversity hire about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Hi, my name is a kid, Marrow, and I feel semi -aroused about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] He's a tall man with a beautiful head of hair.

[3] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we.

[4] are going to be friends because I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend joined by my ever present and trusty assistant Sonam Obsessian I don't like that Yeah ever present is a pretty low bar That's a very low bar You're just present often And Matt Goreley, how are you Matt?

[5] Good, I'm ever precious Okay That was a mistake That's something you're going to regret.

[6] I know.

[7] That was a word fart.

[8] Yeah.

[9] We have a wonderful show today.

[10] We're going to have a very good show.

[11] Very excited about our guest, but I do have a complaint to register.

[12] Okay.

[13] Which is we were recording yesterday here in the podcast space here at Earwolf Studios on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles.

[14] Right.

[15] I walked in on the first thing I said when I walked into the studio was oh my god it really smells bad in here okay and Sam you came out right yeah yes it came out and you were like oh I don't smell anything I'm like I'm not I'm I am not an odor sensitive person my wife smells everything I don't I don't pick up on sense but I was like no it is powerful this smells like a New York subway stop this sounds like a 14 it really did it smelled bad and I'm saying all this hold out and I'm saying all of this and you're there the whole time soon and you're going huh really I don't smell anything and I'm like yeah it smells bad it smells and then I said it smells like old urine in here you said it smells like old urine and cleaning chemicals yes and sona said that's crazy and sona said that's crazy and then there was a pause and sona said thank you sam and then sona said oh my dog okey just urinated right next to where you're sitting about 20 minutes ago so so yes in the earwool studio so you brought your dog okey and And Oki, and you said, he never does that.

[16] My question is, the dog urinates, you see it happen.

[17] Your husband, who I love, TAC, immediately finds some cleaning chemicals and tries to get it up, okay, out of the road.

[18] Then I go sit in that same spot, and I'm saying, what is that smell?

[19] And you're going, I don't know.

[20] What do you smell?

[21] And I'm saying, I don't know, it really smells like urine and cleaning chemicals.

[22] And you said, that's crazy.

[23] Pause.

[24] Oh, my dog urinated there 15 minutes ago.

[25] So what were you doing?

[26] Were you trying to hope that I would move on to a different topic?

[27] No, first of all, we're in Hollywood, which just does smell like urine in general.

[28] We're indoors in Hollywood.

[29] It smells like urine.

[30] And ladies and gentlemen, it really does smell like urine.

[31] Just walk on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

[32] Each star has been urinated on over the years.

[33] Yeah, that's how they christen them.

[34] Yeah.

[35] It's not a real star until someone has urinated on it.

[36] The star themselves has to urinate on them.

[37] Oh, yes, the star has to, the star himself.

[38] Doris Dandridge had to go herself and urinate on her star.

[39] Look, I just.

[40] So what were you doing?

[41] Were you, were you lying to me in a word?

[42] No, I wasn't lying to you.

[43] I didn't know if that's what it was because she, she's a small dog.

[44] It smells like urine.

[45] And your dog had just urinated there and you're thinking maybe it's different urine.

[46] I thought.

[47] Than the urine I just saw shoot out of my dog's dick under the rug.

[48] First of all, she's a girl.

[49] So.

[50] Well, then why does she have a dick?

[51] Yeah.

[52] Your dog does have a penis.

[53] Also, Tack cleaned it right away.

[54] He, like, got found like a carpet cleaner and cleaned it.

[55] Well, apparently he didn't because, first of all, you know, urine famously just doesn't come out of a rug.

[56] And Sheila, you sit there.

[57] It was about four hours.

[58] I was sitting there for a while, and it was, and it really stank up the whole room.

[59] It didn't stink up the whole room.

[60] Elki does not normally pee on a carpet.

[61] She's very well trained.

[62] Right.

[63] She's been through a lot.

[64] She had an infection.

[65] What do you mean?

[66] Been through a lot?

[67] He's been through a lot.

[68] I didn't realize Oki was in the Korean War.

[69] What are you talking about?

[70] Oki's been through a lot.

[71] She had a vet appointment yesterday because she had a little infection on her cheek.

[72] And so she was going through a lot.

[73] And so.

[74] It wasn't even visible to the eye.

[75] I know, but we felt it and we knew it.

[76] She was going through a lot.

[77] I tried to feel for it.

[78] I felt nothing.

[79] Okay.

[80] You know what?

[81] No. Oki went through a lot.

[82] I think her peeing just a little bit on the rug was just a small little thing she was doing.

[83] Okay.

[84] It's fine.

[85] It doesn't smell like pee now.

[86] The bigger point was, you watched me sit there in a chair in the Earwolf lobby saying, I smell urine.

[87] I'm telling you, I smell urine.

[88] And you knew that your dog had urinated on that very spot just previously.

[89] And you played dumb.

[90] I was embarrassed for her.

[91] I was embarrassed for myself.

[92] And so I just, I was really, what do you mean?

[93] So you kind of just.

[94] I was hoping you would have just, you would just move on.

[95] But you literally talked about it for a really long time.

[96] To the point where I just had to eventually be like, yeah, okay.

[97] Guilty as charged.

[98] So, Sam, wouldn't you say that that's a guilty verdict on your part?

[99] I would say it's a guilty verdict and not an apology.

[100] Yeah.

[101] What the hell, Sam?

[102] Thank you, Sam.

[103] Oh, fuck you, Sam.

[104] Sam, by the way, doesn't.

[105] No, Sam, you can reply to that.

[106] I have to say it.

[107] I got to defend you, Sona, because I never smelt it during that session.

[108] Thank you.

[109] From home.

[110] You were home.

[111] I'm just saying I never smelled anything.

[112] I was here.

[113] You were not here in the Earwool Studios.

[114] I'm just saying.

[115] I didn't.

[116] I couldn't smell anything.

[117] There was no word.

[118] Sam, I defend you.

[119] You're a great audio technician, engineer.

[120] Any other things you want me to throw in there?

[121] A podcaster extraordinaire.

[122] And I think a brilliant man. And finally, a voice of reason around here because Matt always defends Sona no matter.

[123] If Sona threw a torch at the Hindenburg and exploded, Matt would say, I didn't see anything, or a nice toss.

[124] That was overhand, not underhand.

[125] Yeah.

[126] We're allies.

[127] And Sona would go, I did throw a torch, but I don't think it's related.

[128] Yes.

[129] Yes.

[130] Oh, Sam.

[131] Sam, just, you know what?

[132] Did you have anything to do with the Hindenburg explosion, Sona?

[133] I don't think so, no. Oh, were you holding a torch?

[134] Yeah, but what's your point?

[135] Did you throw it at the Hindenburg as it docked in Lakehurst, New Jersey in 1936?

[136] Okay, we get a no about the Hindenburg.

[137] I know history.

[138] I know exactly where it was.

[139] Look at me, slide that bit of information in to let you know that I know things.

[140] I guess you showed me, me and my book reading.

[141] I should be ashamed of myself.

[142] Our guest today is a wonderful actress who's just fresh off her star tour.

[143] Give some details.

[144] I will say, we're the Hindenburg.

[145] Please, Sona, don't you have a dog to squeeze urine out of?

[146] Okay.

[147] That's not how dogs peeing work.

[148] a rug.

[149] There's no good transition here.

[150] I'm just going to say it.

[151] My guest today are the host of the very popular Bodega Boys podcast, as well as the Showtime series DeSis and Miro, which airs Sundays and Thursdays at 11 p .m. They also have a New York Times bestselling book, God -level knowledge darts, life lessons from the Bronx, which is available now.

[152] I'm thrilled to talk to these gentlemen today.

[153] DeSis and Miro, welcome.

[154] first of all congratulations on everything that's been happening to for a while now now you've got a book too god -level knowledge darts reading this book i love it i'll also freely admit there are moments where i'm lost i don't know what you're talking about because uh i'm not as knowledgeable let's say about the bronx maybe as you guys are um and uh you know i'm this uh boston asshole uh who who who grew up watching Red Sox games and was told that if I ever went to Yankee Stadium, I believe this, I was told in fifth grade, if I ever went to Yankee Stadium to see a Yankee game and I wore Red Sox cap, I'd be murdered.

[155] They told me that.

[156] And in fifth grade, we believed it.

[157] They said, oh yeah, they just murder Red Sox fans and the New York police, they don't prosecute.

[158] They just let it.

[159] And I believe, and it's true, right?

[160] It used to be true.

[161] Back when this was a good city, back before de Blasio ruined everything, you know?

[162] You used to be able to murder a Red Sock fan.

[163] Well, good old Rudy was in charge, you know?

[164] Yeah, I'm talking about, I'm older than you guys.

[165] I'm talking about 70s.

[166] You're talking about, 1977, son of Sam is loose.

[167] It's that era of Yankees, and I was told, I watched the movie The Warriors, and I thought it was a documentary.

[168] I saw gangs running around dressed as mimes.

[169] and carrying baseball bats and killing people?

[170] And I thought, we thought that's really what New York City was.

[171] At that time, people were just setting fires all over New York City and getting away with it.

[172] So you weren't that far off.

[173] No, but the part that bothered me was there was a gang of mimes.

[174] I'm sorry, they had white paint on.

[175] They were mimes, and they carried baseball bats, and they were dressed as New York Yankees.

[176] And the fact that I believed that when I was in fifth grade, well, that just took things to a whole new level from me. That gang went on to become UCB, so, you know, like, it all worked out.

[177] That's right.

[178] I recognize Amy Poehler was in there and Matt Besser.

[179] You're right.

[180] You're right.

[181] Most good improv started as gang culture, right?

[182] It's true.

[183] It is true.

[184] A lot of people don't know that.

[185] Bronx and Brooklyn East Side gangs and East Coast gangs turned into what we now know as improvisation and improvisation groups.

[186] That's in the director's kind of West Side Story.

[187] A lot of people.

[188] Exactly.

[189] It's criteria on a collection.

[190] That's the West Side story I want to see.

[191] There was a whole, you have to understand my era, I will be very open with you guys.

[192] I am a 58 -year -old white woman.

[193] And always in a state of transition.

[194] And I watched the, what's it, damn it, the Death Wish movies.

[195] And they're really fun to watch.

[196] Then later on, I lived.

[197] in New York in the night I worked in the lived in New York in the 80s I lived in Williamsburg for a bit when it wasn't cool to live there but then I lived in New York in the 90s and 2000s when New York just started to become super fancy and I would still watch the death wish movies that I had watched as a kid and there are these moments where Charles Bronson says things like I tell you it's murder out there and someone will say I don't think New York's so bad and he'll say you ever try and walk on 72nd in Amsterdam after 11 o 'clock at night and I think yeah I went there I went there last night and I got a bubble tea I know I got a bottle tea I got a little tea and then I had it just like an amazing latte what are you talking about so yeah I had a skewed vision of New York so that's on me that's totally on me New York is still kind of wild though like you know what I mean a lot of people don't know this at the Bronx Zoo there's actually no cages or moats or anything the animals just Rome free, so you could get mauled by a tiger.

[198] Guys, you know what?

[199] It's an interact.

[200] I see what they're doing.

[201] It makes it an interactive zoo.

[202] I think that's what they're going for.

[203] It's free range.

[204] You know, maybe two or three pit bulls in there.

[205] The best part is like you get people nowadays and they're like, wow, New York is going back to how it was in the 80s.

[206] You're like, it is not.

[207] No, it's not.

[208] We're not even at 2016 levels.

[209] What are you talking about?

[210] You can get gelato delivered to your door at 3 a .m. We're not exactly in the panic crisis over here.

[211] You know, it's so funny, I have a friend, a good friend of mine.

[212] He's been my friend forever, Rodman, and he grew up in Hell's Kitchen, and he grew up in the New York of the 70s, and that time square, and that era of New York.

[213] Like, mean streets?

[214] Yeah, exactly.

[215] And it's so funny, he moved to L .A., but I stayed in New York because I was doing the late -night show, And I remember once taking a walk at night.

[216] I think I was walking my dog and I'm in Central Park at night and I'm talking to me. We said, well, where are you right now?

[217] And I said, I'm in Central Park.

[218] And he's like, you're in Central Park?

[219] And he looked at his watch.

[220] Get out of there.

[221] He's like, it's midnight.

[222] Get out of there!

[223] Get out!

[224] And I said, what are you talking about?

[225] And just then, you know those things that you see in Central Park sometimes where it's like it's a circle with wheels, it's an iron, and like 12 people can get in it.

[226] And if they all pedal.

[227] Arrived at the same time.

[228] Yes.

[229] And they all pedal.

[230] One of those.

[231] went by and the people were like whee and it was like what was that are you being attacked and I said no it was 12 people wearing lacos shirts eating frugers went yeah went by and they offered me some free ice cream a Yorkie brushed up against my leg oh my god and that was did you immediately report it yeah immediately I went on a citizen app I was like wild Yorkie off the leash attacking people technically that's a hate crime so you got You know, I had, I will say one of the things that I enjoy so much about you guys is you have, I think, for my money, the most organic relationship with each other, comedic relationship.

[232] You're both really funny and you play off each other so well, but it's real.

[233] I was in situations back when I was a writer where I remembered producers would find two people who didn't know each other.

[234] And then they would try to have us figure out how to make them funny together.

[235] That's the thing.

[236] Now that the old New York is returning, there's a guy who is, I believe the term is under housed, who has a knife attached to a rope that he just swings around in a circle on like 34th and 8th, and he has a buddy that he hangs out with.

[237] So there's a, there's a perfect example of what you can pick up.

[238] They're on HBO Max.

[239] Yeah.

[240] Yes.

[241] Oh, damn.

[242] They got a big H .P .L. Max deal.

[243] That's a very weird episode of the flight attendant.

[244] I'll tell you what.

[245] It's a good gimmick, though.

[246] Whenever they need to go.

[247] to rehearsal, he just swings the knife and hits someone and then they go to an EMT is called and they go to commercial.

[248] It's a very ingenious way to go.

[249] That's got to make the union do so expensive.

[250] You got the nurse on set just currently having to put bandages on everyone because I didn't think of the knives.

[251] I didn't think of the nurse.

[252] I've never had a nurse on set.

[253] No, we have one now because of COVID.

[254] We have to have a nurse and she has to yell at celebrities because celebrities don't want to wear masks and stuff and they don't realize like they think she's just like a PA and she's like, I went to school for nursing.

[255] respect me and you're like, you have to, Diddy, please put your mask on, you know.

[256] Diddy?

[257] What kind of mask does Diddy have?

[258] He doesn't have just a regular mask, does he?

[259] He doesn't, he's got to have a different mask.

[260] Probably like a Kashmir.

[261] It probably doesn't like block any viruses, but it's just a flex.

[262] Cashmere has been proven to trap COVID and nurture it.

[263] That's what Kashmir does.

[264] 100%.

[265] Yeah, Didi has had, like a llama fur?

[266] Yeah, he's had COVID nine times.

[267] You know what?

[268] Diddy is so rich.

[269] Diddy's already had COVID -22.

[270] We gotta wait.

[271] We out here.

[272] He had it imported.

[273] Exactly.

[274] Diddy gets all the variants imported.

[275] Yeah.

[276] Come on.

[277] That's what the new Sir Rock lineup is going to be.

[278] You guys ever think about, I know that your origin story as you met at summer school.

[279] And I was thinking, you guys need a better origin story.

[280] We think about that all the time.

[281] You've got to invent one and get it out there now.

[282] so it becomes part of the lore because meeting the way you guys met doesn't sound cool enough.

[283] You've pulled off such an amazing coup in the business.

[284] Now you need to go back and invent the origin story.

[285] We were working on a new one.

[286] We met in a bar, like a comedy club, open bar, whatever.

[287] I liked his jokes.

[288] He liked my jokes.

[289] And I was like, oh, you live in the Bronx.

[290] Cool.

[291] You want to ride home.

[292] We're riding home.

[293] He's not paying attention.

[294] We hit an old lady with the car and killer.

[295] Love it.

[296] sees it.

[297] Love it.

[298] Love it.

[299] We drag her body, we put it in the trunk of the car.

[300] We have to end burying her.

[301] And we're like, yo, we have to take a blood oath that we will never forget about this and never speak about this.

[302] And also, let's launch a podcast.

[303] So as you're tamping down the earth in her shallow grave in upstate New York, because you drove all the way up.

[304] It's like Goodfellas.

[305] You drove all the way to upstate New York.

[306] As you're tamping down the earth over her freshly dug grave, you say, we never speak about this again.

[307] You each cut a thumb, you press it together, right?

[308] And then you say, and now we start a podcast.

[309] And then even better, I go, you know what?

[310] Hiding his body is brought to you by who?

[311] Stamps .com.

[312] When you need to order stamps, I want you to go right online.

[313] They're available right there 24 -7.

[314] There's a barrens out of body.

[315] Do you know that they have forever stamps that are like forever?

[316] You only have to buy them one time.

[317] They never go up in price.

[318] But the price that fluctuates.

[319] Then you hear, forever stamps, tell me more.

[320] The lady isn't dead yet.

[321] She's pulled herself half.

[322] out of the dirt, and she's setting you up for the next ad.

[323] That sounds fantastic.

[324] But what will I drink while I'm...

[325] Well, funny you mentioned that, lady that we're trying to murder.

[326] Spindrift makes an amazing seltzer.

[327] That's right.

[328] It's very popular old people and people halfway near death.

[329] What you are doing right now.

[330] You know what's funny?

[331] We actually came up with a podcast idea as we were pulling out the teeth, so the body would be unidentifiable.

[332] Here we go.

[333] It's so much work.

[334] right oh you gotta get rid of the teeth you also have to get rid of the hands and the feet yeah that's your story cartel no i've been there i've done shit the people that were making fun of my ideas back when i was 22 i killed all of them remember all those comedy producers that went missing in the in 1985 to 88 that was me i did that number there yeah there were flyers everywhere right under the dr zismore ass i hope they find them you know what's uh i really enjoy so much about both of you as you both have There are comedians that I know, and I consider you two the best at this, who immediately have great information at their fingertips.

[335] And it's not like just one of you does that and the other has a different skill.

[336] You both have it.

[337] You both come up with amazing information instantly.

[338] You always have it.

[339] And when I listen to you guys, I'm thinking, shit, it just seems to be endless.

[340] Like you are, I'm going to date myself now, but like your rolodexes of just massive amounts of information from your childhood.

[341] but you haven't forgotten anything.

[342] I'm starting to get to that age where I go, yeah, yeah, it's like those ads for, damn it, it's gone.

[343] I don't have Dr. Zismore at my fingertips.

[344] Remember the thing?

[345] That's going to be you guys in 40 years.

[346] It's going to be, Gessor's still going, they've set the record for longest running late night show, and it's going, yeah, it's like, remember when the Knicks?

[347] Yeah, but see, that is going to be even worse because in our minds, our memories are going to be fresh and relevant, And everyone's going to be like, no, you too.

[348] Oh, geezers.

[349] No one wants to hear this.

[350] And we're watching a Nick game.

[351] I'll be like, he reminds me of a young Raymond Felton.

[352] And everyone's going to be like, who is that?

[353] Who is that?

[354] Hold on.

[355] Let me pause this and Google what grandpa over here said.

[356] There's nothing worse.

[357] We're watching sports events.

[358] You're like, yeah, bro, he reminds me a Nick Swisher.

[359] And everyone's like, I'm 20.

[360] I have no idea what you're talking about.

[361] I don't know where you're talking about.

[362] Let me call my father.

[363] Maybe he remembers what you're talking about.

[364] I'm telling you guys, this is, I'm the old man. I'm telling you that this happens.

[365] It really does happen.

[366] because you've been around, when you're around a long time, you start saying things that to you seemed pretty recent, but it was eight years ago, and in this culture, eight years ago was a thousand years ago.

[367] Oh, yeah.

[368] And you get, there's a sad quiet that comes from a young crowd.

[369] You make a reference like that, and they're like, what?

[370] It's like, I was talking to this girl at a bar once, and, like, we're just talking about, I forgot we were talking about, like, the greatest concert you went to, and I was like, oh, this Kanye concert.

[371] blah, blah, blah.

[372] She was like, oh, yeah, my mother used to play Kanye when I was growing up.

[373] And I was like, how are you legally in this bar?

[374] How are you here?

[375] Wow.

[376] You got to start doing math.

[377] Exactly.

[378] I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[379] I almost made a snorke's reference the other day.

[380] And I was just like, you know what?

[381] Never mind.

[382] Even the people who make snorks don't even want you to make snork.

[383] Wait a minute.

[384] Until you right now, Sona, what's a snorke?

[385] Snorke was like, oh, I know it.

[386] I know.

[387] I know.

[388] Sorry.

[389] Matt, let's hear, what's here, Matt, pipe in.

[390] I don't even know.

[391] what a snorke is.

[392] What is it?

[393] Yo, by the way, I just want, this is audio, I don't know this is audio video, only Matt threw his arms up, like, you don't know what snorks are?

[394] I know.

[395] He's scoffed and everyone in the room.

[396] Yeah, he's livid right now.

[397] Snorks are like underwater smurfs and they have little snorkels.

[398] Right.

[399] But remember, their little snorkels, didn't they go, they were kind of like tails, so they, if they were happy, they went up or something like that.

[400] So there was like, were they, they weren't like erections on them, right?

[401] Or am I just remembering something from...

[402] I think they were kid -friendly.

[403] emotional erections.

[404] Also, weren't they, this sounds absolutely horrific.

[405] Yeah.

[406] They were kind of a cash grab by the Smurfs.

[407] They were like, if you like Smurfs, you want Smurfs on the water?

[408] There we go.

[409] Oh, definitely.

[410] They're like, it's the 80s.

[411] The people who made this are probably coked up.

[412] Listen, you're going to buy the toys from Hasbro.

[413] Just watch them.

[414] Come on.

[415] So it's an underwater smurf that becomes erect.

[416] That's what you're saying it is.

[417] Right.

[418] And there was, wasn't it like the Smurfs, there was only one female snork?

[419] I think maybe, yeah.

[420] And it felt like they all had very distinct personalities with no overlap.

[421] You know.

[422] And wasn't there, like, word snorke, snorke, like, the way Smurts would be like Smurphy Smurf?

[423] They'd be like snorke.

[424] Yeah, snorke, snorke, yeah.

[425] And then there was like an evil, like, Murr lady.

[426] Trying to eat them or something.

[427] There always has to be an evil toy.

[428] I got to Google this.

[429] I got to see what they look like.

[430] Yeah, look that up and see what it looks like.

[431] What about you guys are at that level of success?

[432] And again, I congratulate you.

[433] By the way, I was driving my car a week ago and I came to a light.

[434] Flex.

[435] And I slowed down.

[436] Yeah.

[437] That's right, guys.

[438] That's right.

[439] You too will get a Ford probe one day.

[440] You did it.

[441] You made a reference.

[442] Guys, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you eventually get to have an automobile.

[443] But I pull up in my car and I see there's one of those bus stop ads and it says Deso Samiro, and it says Kings of Late Night.

[444] And I put down my window and I look.

[445] looked at it and I thought they have won.

[446] They have won and I have lost.

[447] Were you really that gracious?

[448] No. No. I turned my wheel and I crashed into the ad strongly.

[449] You can actually find the footage.

[450] I respect that.

[451] I respect that.

[452] Then the police they stopped me to question me and I got out of the car and I ran but they knew it was me which was a mistake.

[453] They were like you look like Conan O 'Brien and I said you'll never catch me or find me as I ran.

[454] And you left your car there.

[455] No, I'm not.

[456] I'm not Conan O 'Brien.

[457] I'm a random for the Dallas Mavericks.

[458] I'm just a very tall white man running down the street quickly.

[459] With no vertical leap.

[460] Yeah.

[461] I'm very happy for you guys.

[462] I'm curious about the merch situation because this is something that comes up.

[463] You guys are going to have what I think is this surreal experience.

[464] and I'm sure you've had it already now where they show you t -shirts, they show you stuff and they go, here's this merch.

[465] What do you think?

[466] First of all, what's the stuff that you're really loving that you're coming out with?

[467] If we drop our actual private merch line that goes directly for the bodega bodega hive and goes directly with the podcast, that stuff sells out in a couple of minutes.

[468] That's ridiculous.

[469] People resell it on the secondary market for twice its value.

[470] These shirts, we don't even have that people have.

[471] And then forget it.

[472] If you wear like the diesel Merrill Friends and Family shirt that the production wearer they're just like bro I'm in the bar chicks are hitting on me left and right I can't get it like they love the show and then the women that work on our show is like they can't wear it in public because guys are like so you work on oh wow you know Jesus and Merrill that's so cool can I let marry you well see this is what I want so suddenly oh so I'm the guy that flex because I have a car and you're telling me that people can get laid just wearing your stuff that doesn't happen when you're wearing a Conan T -shirt well you know Listen, I have to wear the t -shirt because I'm driving an 05 Honda Accord.

[473] It balances out.

[474] So my question is, because I've had this experience where someone will come to me with something and go, what do you think of this?

[475] And it's absolutely terrible.

[476] It's absolutely hideous.

[477] Have they come to you with anything where clearly they're not thinking clearly?

[478] And they've put your names and faces on like a toilet seat or urinal cake, something that just is abhorrent to you?

[479] Every doubt and then we get pitched something that it usually comes directly to our email and not through our agent, which usually lets us know this is a terrible idea.

[480] And they're like, hey, do you remember want to be the face of baked beans?

[481] And they're like, what?

[482] The answer is yes.

[483] They're like, listen, for too long, Boston's had a death grip on baked beans.

[484] We're going to do Bronx baked beans.

[485] And you're like, what?

[486] They're like, listen, so like, we're going to give you $200 each.

[487] We're going to use your names and your voices in perpetuity for 10 years and you get free beans.

[488] You're like, I don't, this doesn't sound like good idea.

[489] But then if I read that email at 4 a. when I'm hungry, I'm like, I could go for some free beans.

[490] That could change the whole game.

[491] I'll tell you a real story.

[492] I was with my mom, and we were in Westerly, Rhode Island once, and we walked into, and this is, you know, I'd been doing the late night show in a number of years.

[493] Things are going well.

[494] And I went into this Italian restaurant with my mom, and we're getting dinner.

[495] And the waitress comes up, and she says, you know what?

[496] I recognize you.

[497] And I called the manager, and he has a proposition for you.

[498] And I said, oh, yo, what's that?

[499] And this was like a strip mall, Italian restaurant.

[500] And she said, you come back here next weekend, and you spend Saturday and Sunday here, and you say hi to all the guests and take photos with them and we'll promote it.

[501] And your meal is free.

[502] Oh, my God.

[503] Yo, come on.

[504] I remember, like, I'm going to get back to you.

[505] You can go back to this.

[506] Let me circle back on that.

[507] 48 hours of work for a plate of breadsticks?

[508] Let's go.

[509] Let's go.

[510] I'm going to try and get you guys the same deal.

[511] That's what I'm going to try and do.

[512] I'm going to see if I can get you at least as good a deal as that.

[513] The merch is dope, but it's like, also I'm like, I want to meet the person who has a Deezza and Morrow duvet.

[514] Like, I want to meet you.

[515] Like, you're super down with the, with the brand if your whole bed spread is like, Jesus and Morrow.

[516] Also, I feel like those people who need to go on a list because they might kill them.

[517] Just certain pieces of merch aren't really for people to buy and so you can add them to a list of people to watch in the future.

[518] Because if they buy stuff, that's just a little too, like, if it's a t -shirt and it just like has like the skin of our face on it or some weird thing and only one person buys it, you're like, okay, all right.

[519] You're not coming to any live shows.

[520] I don't like, I don't like to cut of your jib.

[521] I think if they're buying a duvet, they're not going to kill you.

[522] It's going to be more like misery.

[523] They're going to cripple you and lay you both out on the bed and they're going to lie between you.

[524] and you're going to just be lying there with them and they're going to make you guys they're going to throw out topics and make you riff on them for like 48 hours at a time that's what's going to have to have.

[525] They'd have to allow us access to Twitter otherwise we'd run out things to talk about and we'd just be doing the same jokes over it what if they'd kidnap us in the beginning of the pandemic we'd still be doing Tiger King jokes you think they want that?

[526] That'll be terrible.

[527] Oh my God.

[528] I never want to hear the words Joe or exotic ever again in my life.

[529] I know.

[530] And I used to love the word exotic.

[531] And they ruin it for you.

[532] And they ruin it for weed, dancers.

[533] Yeah, they ruin tigers for me, I imagine.

[534] You guys are very frank in this book about all kinds of things.

[535] You talk about, you don't have mad respect for alcohol, right?

[536] Is that fair to say?

[537] When you're getting into like.

[538] Oh, I said that.

[539] As far as, like, drugs are concerned.

[540] You feel like alcohol is just a waste of time.

[541] Yeah, it's like a fake drug.

[542] It's like, you know, it's like, I'm a drug, but it's like, I don't know.

[543] It's like how sparklers are considered fireworks.

[544] Got it, got it.

[545] They shouldn't be in the same category.

[546] Yeah, like, yo, you're a drug, but I can go to a bar and get you, you know what I mean?

[547] Like, I got to really go hard and, like, you know, get behind the wheel of a car to, like, endanger myself.

[548] Or, like, drink so much that I get to get my stomach pumped.

[549] And that's a lot of time.

[550] I'm saying you're very, you're very, and you speak very passionately about weed, what the kids now call marijuana.

[551] Or wacky cigarettes.

[552] Jazz cigarettes.

[553] That's what I'm saying you're going to get arrested.

[554] If somebody comes up to you looking for pot, you're going to jail.

[555] I remember my uncle once said to me, there was some musician, he came to see me at Sarnat Live, and there was some musician, the band was playing at Sarnat Live, and I was a writer there, and he pointed to the guitar player, and he said, tell me that guy out with the guitar, doesn't have a jazz cigarette jammed down his bootleg.

[556] Man. All right.

[557] Constable, jazz cigarette jammed down his bootleg.

[558] You got it, Humphrey Bogart.

[559] Yeah, exactly.

[560] Did I say he would, tell I tell you he was wearing a trench coat at the time and solving crimes?

[561] And he was in black and white and the rest of us were in color.

[562] Just did it.

[563] And prohibition.

[564] I'm like, all right.

[565] I've tried over the years a couple of times to smoke pot and it has never worked for me. I don't know what's going on.

[566] Am I just too uptight, Sona?

[567] I think so, right?

[568] Don't you guys think like if you're already too uptight that it'll make you even more paranoid and...

[569] You know what?

[570] You have to have a real good reason the smoke pot.

[571] You can't just smoke pot just because, hey, people are smoking pot.

[572] It's cool.

[573] You have to be going through some sort of dire stress or something that's really tearing you apart for you to, at an older age, for you to appreciate pot.

[574] Because if you did it in a high school, whatever, it's like, oh, cool kids, euphoria.

[575] Now, you got to be like, yo, I might lose my house.

[576] I might lose this court case.

[577] Right.

[578] You know what?

[579] They saw this videotape of us hitting the old lady with the car.

[580] What are we going to do?

[581] That was kind of situations.

[582] Then you smoke on the pot.

[583] And it's not going to work on the first time you hit it.

[584] You have to smoke a couple of times, and then it's not going to be life -changing.

[585] It's just going to be like, yo, it's going to take you down a notch, and then the more you smoke, then you can become terrible, you can grow dreads, you can transfer to NYU, you can do whatever you want.

[586] I'm going to do all those things.

[587] I'm glad that you, I'm glad that you suggested that.

[588] I'm going to start smoke, I'm going to make it, I'm going to smoke jazz cigarettes consistently and then I'm going to grow dreads.

[589] Okay.

[590] Yes.

[591] You got to smoke the right ones, though.

[592] You got to smoke the right jazz cigarettes.

[593] If you smoke the wrong jazz cigarettes, then you're going to fly into a panic and think that the FBI is looking for you, and you're going to end smashing yourself through your glass coffee table for no reason at all.

[594] Now, Sona, I'll out her now, but everyone knows.

[595] She's pregnant with twins.

[596] Yeah.

[597] She's expecting any day now.

[598] So she's been good now for nine months, but you enjoyed the edibles.

[599] I'm a big edibles fan.

[600] I mean, I don't know what the situation is in New York, but in L .A., you just go and buy whatever you want.

[601] and it's, you know, nice low -doseage edibles, it's the best.

[602] Also, in L .A., you get them, like, the way you used to get a mint at a diner.

[603] Yeah.

[604] They just give them to you at the end of the meal.

[605] Yeah.

[606] We were just in L .A., and someone gave us, like, a whole bunch of edibles.

[607] And the thing is, like, we're such hardcore smokers.

[608] The edibles they gave us were too weak.

[609] So I went to the dispensary, and I was like, listen, I'm from, listen, bro, I'm from New York.

[610] We don't got edibles.

[611] I'm here to fill up my suitcase, and I don't care if TSA catches me. And I was like, what is?

[612] I was like, look, let's go.

[613] Let's go with some edibles.

[614] And it was like, okay, well, these are like five milligrams.

[615] And I was like, bro, I'm from the Bronx.

[616] I have our Timberlands in L .A. I'm suffering through June gloom.

[617] I need the hard stuff.

[618] And the hardest they could give me was like 50 milligrams.

[619] And I was like, can I just like put them all in my mouth at the same time?

[620] They was like, yeah, just don't say you got it from us.

[621] So I get the fun with the edibles.

[622] Yeah.

[623] I started like, it's funny because like in our previous program, we were out in L .A., like did the whole Venice, beach, you know, graffiti, weightlifting, basketball thing.

[624] I was, like, I made a promise to myself that, like, I miss a smoking week since I was, like, 13.

[625] So this is, and I'm 30, I just turned 38.

[626] You know what I'm saying?

[627] So, like, it's been, I don't know math, but that's a long time smoking weed.

[628] So I was just like, you just told us all we need to know about smoking weed.

[629] You just did a very good public service announcement for.

[630] There you go.

[631] Right now.

[632] Someone's taking that blunt and they're like, you know what?

[633] Maybe not.

[634] Let me put this out for a second.

[635] You know what I'm saying?

[636] Or maybe I keep smoking it and don't like this guy.

[637] But no, I was like, I made a promise on myself.

[638] I was like, listen, you're going to get the highest you've ever been in your life because it's legal here.

[639] And you don't just have to smoke it in a staircase and run if you hear footsteps.

[640] So you can, and they had all kind of cute shit too, like weed lemonade, weed brownies, weed gummies.

[641] You know what I mean?

[642] So I was just like stocking up.

[643] And I literally was drinking like a thousand milligram weed lemonade and like shooting three pointers.

[644] You know what I mean?

[645] I went off one for 16.

[646] from beyond the arc, but, you know, I was still out here.

[647] And it was great.

[648] I'm glad you kept track, at least.

[649] You were able to keep track.

[650] And we're just trying to talk to him as we're recording.

[651] He's just doing grunts.

[652] He sounded like Tim the Toolman Taylor from Home Improvement.

[653] I'm like, are you all right?

[654] He's like, huh?

[655] Huh?

[656] I'm like, all right.

[657] He's still breathing.

[658] Fully functional, just chilling.

[659] Terrifying helicopter ride I got to sleep on.

[660] Yeah, we almost died in the helicopter ride.

[661] Oh, I read about that.

[662] That's in the book.

[663] I read about it.

[664] Yeah.

[665] You guys were in a helicopter.

[666] It felt like this is not going to end well.

[667] It got perilous.

[668] And Miro, you were just so out of it, you didn't care.

[669] Is that right?

[670] No. I was just like, you know what?

[671] It's just a good time to take a nap.

[672] Because you don't want to die awake.

[673] You know, you'd rather die in my sleep.

[674] I guess that's good.

[675] When I'm ever in a near -death experience, I'm going to try and fall asleep as quickly as possible.

[676] Yeah, just take a nap.

[677] Well, what I learned from it is if you're in a helicopter and it's about to crash and someone's sleeping, you wake them up.

[678] We're all going to be awake.

[679] when we hit the ground.

[680] None of this dying peacefully in your sleep.

[681] Sorry, my God.

[682] Okay.

[683] When I've listened to you and I've watched the show, it feels like one of the things that I never did this successfully.

[684] I never had beef with anybody.

[685] I know.

[686] And I always felt like that's kind of something that some people are very good at.

[687] And then I remember once, it wasn't that long ago, but you guys had beef, but it didn't feel like it was worthy of you because it was with Jaliel White.

[688] And I felt like the things that are flawed, and I swear to God, you guys don't need my help, you need nothing from me, but I'm just going to offer constructive criticism.

[689] A, better origin story.

[690] I like the new one you've come up with.

[691] You didn't meet in summer school.

[692] You met when you both killed an old woman accidentally and you buried her upstate.

[693] B, I love the beef thing.

[694] You've got to have, but it can't be Jalil White.

[695] You've got to step it up a notch.

[696] It's got to be bigger than that.

[697] Technically, we have beef with Obama.

[698] He came in hot, talking spicy about our Knicks.

[699] And, you know, like, there's only but so much beef you can have with a former president.

[700] He can get a new drone strike.

[701] He could have the super service shoot, too.

[702] So, you know, it's not, we're still trying to work it out.

[703] But I think Obama is other people.

[704] A good guy.

[705] That's a good guy to have beef with.

[706] I've noticed he likes to talk smack that guy.

[707] He likes to.

[708] He does.

[709] A little back and forth.

[710] I was years ago when I did White House Corresponds dinner, I'm there.

[711] And he's in a line greeting people before the day.

[712] and he's greeting people, and my brother had come down.

[713] My brother and his wife, Justin and Joanna, and they go up and they're taking a picture with the president and the first lady.

[714] And all of a sudden I hear Obama, I'm standing in the corner, not taking a picture because I, you know, I'm worried about my set.

[715] And I hear, Conan, Conan, and I look over and it's President Obama.

[716] And he says, your brother, much better looking than you.

[717] See?

[718] And I'm like, what the fuck did I do?

[719] Wow.

[720] I'm just in the corner minding my own business.

[721] Shots fired.

[722] Yeah, exactly.

[723] And I thought he had to seek me out in the room to shit on me. And he's that guy.

[724] He is that guy.

[725] He knows he's the...

[726] What movie is that?

[727] With the sniper?

[728] It's like Jude Law plays a sniper behind enemy lines.

[729] Oh, yeah.

[730] Enemy at the gates.

[731] He just, enemy at the gates do, bro.

[732] Yeah, yeah.

[733] The Whitehouse Corpenter.

[734] I would have with an American sniper reference there, but, you know, enemy at the gate says that.

[735] I'm with you.

[736] There.

[737] Shout to Matt.

[738] Wright's got all the deep cuts with snorks, behind the gates, whatever the...

[739] Yeah.

[740] That's your guy.

[741] Matt remembers everything.

[742] Obama's like the roommate that slowly kills you using eyedrops where you're not watching.

[743] You don't see what he's doing, but he gets you.

[744] Yes.

[745] He tricks you because he's got this...

[746] I noticed it because we talked to him a couple weeks ago and he's just...

[747] He's got this walk.

[748] He's got this very chill walk.

[749] And he says it's...

[750] And he chills.

[751] He fools you with this, I'm a regular, I'm a guy from Hawaii.

[752] I don't get that.

[753] I worked up about stuff.

[754] I'm no drama Obama.

[755] And so you're not expecting it.

[756] And also, he's a man that has had to contemplate real problems and had the nuclear code.

[757] So you think there's no way he's going to take the time make me look like a fool.

[758] And then he does.

[759] He does.

[760] He's got time.

[761] He's got time.

[762] Have you seen his book?

[763] It's 80 ,000 pages.

[764] Yes.

[765] It is you.

[766] Yes.

[767] And the best part of Obama is he comes off, like you said, he comes off so cool.

[768] And you're like, oh, he's former president.

[769] He's so cool.

[770] He would probably have that same level of coolness if he was just like your aunt's unemployed husband that, you know, sometimes stole some stuff.

[771] But you're like, I hate Barry, but you know what?

[772] He's a good guy.

[773] He's a good guy.

[774] Barry's kind of a wild guy.

[775] But he's, you know, he's the number one real estate agent.

[776] You know what I mean?

[777] He's a stand -up guy.

[778] You know.

[779] Or it annoys me that Barry doesn't get a job and he hangs, he sleeps on the couch, and he doesn't contribute to the rent.

[780] But he's a cool guy.

[781] He's a cool guy.

[782] He's a cool guy.

[783] Yeah.

[784] He's chill.

[785] He comes through a weed sometimes.

[786] Or he's just like, hey, he's like, Conan, you're hungry?

[787] They were having two -for -one whoppers at Burger King.

[788] You're like, oh, thank you.

[789] Hey, Barry.

[790] All right.

[791] Thank you.

[792] That's so thoughtful.

[793] That's so nice of you.

[794] There's a listering strip on the one that he gives to you.

[795] What's that?

[796] He puts a listering strip in the one that he gives to you.

[797] They were like, ha -ha, gotcha, motherfucker.

[798] You thought she was street.

[799] Is that a prank from back in the day, putting a Listerine strip on someone's hamburger?

[800] That sounds like a depression -era prank.

[801] I know.

[802] That doesn't sound...

[803] I realize later on, sometimes pranks, people will tell you about a prank they pulled in it just as random violence, you know?

[804] Yeah.

[805] They'd be like, I pulled a funny prank.

[806] What'd you do?

[807] I dropped a knife out of window.

[808] It fell on a guy's shoulder.

[809] And you're like, that's not a prank.

[810] What happened?

[811] Oh, he got really...

[812] fucked up.

[813] Remember at one time in American history a prank was, let's see how many people could fit in a phone booth?

[814] What's the fun in that?

[815] Just me and my boys just all rubbing together in a tight booth like, you know, this is cool.

[816] Another one was a flagpole sitting, like in the 19th.

[817] Yeah.

[818] Like I think cramming into a phone booth is 1950s.

[819] 1920s was sitting on a flagpole weeks at a time and you think what, you know, we just, something was again, another.

[820] More proof that America is a very sick place.

[821] It is.

[822] Yeah.

[823] Yeah.

[824] Just so one of our great -grandfathers is just like, you know what, I really need an event cable.

[825] You can't keep watching this show.

[826] This is terrible.

[827] This is terrible.

[828] It's absolutely terrible.

[829] Well, how are you guys liking, being in the world of late -night television?

[830] Because in a way, it's not that big in advance from what you've been doing for a long time.

[831] So when I started in late -night, it was, I hadn't been doing anything like that.

[832] I'd been thinking a lot about comedy, but not doing anything remotely like that.

[833] feels like a natural extension of what you've already been doing.

[834] It seems like a logical order of operations.

[835] You know what I'm saying?

[836] You go from a podcast that's audio only, and then, you know, you turn the cameras on.

[837] Why not?

[838] You know what I mean?

[839] So you can see the reactions and everything else.

[840] I feel like we've been doing it together for so long that audience, no audience, like, it kind of doesn't matter.

[841] Just roll the cameras.

[842] I feel like once we got to the previous network, like they figured that out real quick.

[843] And they were like, yo, just keep the cameras rolling.

[844] As long as these guys are talking, just roll because we're going to get something.

[845] We might have to edit until 2 a .m., but we're going to get some half an hour of pure uncut.

[846] Also, you know, it's great.

[847] It helps that we're not ugly.

[848] Because if we were ugly, you'd probably not have a late -night show.

[849] That's very important.

[850] People in Hollywood, they're not honest enough about that.

[851] You have some very talented comedians out there except they're uggmugs.

[852] And no one wants to see them.

[853] And thankfully, you know, as three attractive people, myself, Merrill and Kona, we are blessed enough.

[854] Thank you for including me in that.

[855] I think it's touch and go with me, especially as I age.

[856] I'm like an old tree that has rot.

[857] But I do, I think that you're right.

[858] It is a natural extension.

[859] I just occurred to me as you were describing your guy's arc that I'm going the other way.

[860] I'm leaving late night television and I have a podcast now.

[861] So I'm doing your guy's career in reverse.

[862] And so, yeah.

[863] Conjuman Button.

[864] I am the Benjamin Button version of DeSos and Miro.

[865] That's what I am.

[866] All right.

[867] I would go with Tenant, you know, a more recent movie about reverse.

[868] reverse aging, but again, do we want to make this podcast old as shit?

[869] So, you know.

[870] Hey, I'm with you, Merrill.

[871] I'm with it.

[872] Let's go!

[873] Well, Matt, it's your job to jump in and say those things before I can disgrace myself, you know?

[874] You were the elder care nurse of this podcast.

[875] It's your job to get to me before I shit the bed and say...

[876] It is time for you to take your medicine.

[877] Before I say Benjamin Button, you know?

[878] It's your job to jump in quickly and say the cooler reference.

[879] Well, you know, you're in a position where you're already established and now you can do a podcast which is even a bigger flex you don't have to go through that thing where it's just like oh I only have I did a podcast I got 20 listens which is just like humiliating and also like we interviewed Eddie Murphy and we said to him we was like do you ever want to do a podcast and he literally looks at us and goes what the hell is a podcast?

[880] What is that?

[881] Right so well Eddie does famously live in a bubble he just doesn't know about anything.

[882] Yeah after Beverly Hills Cop 2 he stopped knowing anything thing about he doesn't know about the internet uh he doesn't know who the presidents have been i mean he's literally lived in a different world you know he's i want to get to that level i was like i was at i was at a show once and it was jerry sigh for all stage and he was like what is uber can someone explain uber to me and i was like oh my god what is this uber yeah exactly i was like wow he does so you call a stranger to pick you up and then they pick up another stranger i was like wow what's the deal with that i want to get to that level of disconnect i want They're going to be like, how much does it cost to get on the subway?

[883] And I'm like, $27.

[884] I don't know.

[885] Tell me more about this subway.

[886] Do they take Bitcoin?

[887] What are snorks?

[888] Yeah, exactly.

[889] There you go.

[890] Well, guys, it does bring up a good point, which is it's going so well for you.

[891] But then do you think about what the next step is after this?

[892] I may be getting ahead.

[893] It's going so well, but do you think about, all right, what's the next stage?

[894] Is there a movie in here somewhere?

[895] Is there an animated series?

[896] Truthfully, like Cirque du Soleil, Las Vegas vibe, you know what I mean?

[897] Like Jesus and I and like tie -died tights, you know what I mean?

[898] Just spinning around with each other.

[899] I'm actually thinking about the combination of those incredible dancers with those incredible bodies wearing those outfits spinning in Vegas while you listen and it's all syncopated to the audio track of you guys doing the opening for your show.

[900] where you guys are talking.

[901] But it syncopated so that their movements exactly are in line with what you're saying.

[902] That's a great show.

[903] That's a great show I would go and see.

[904] And then for the grand ending, we steal from Gallagher and we just do like, we smash the watermelon, but we smash the chopped cheese.

[905] So it's just greasy and everyone's like real.

[906] This is super gross.

[907] This is like nasty.

[908] The variety of review is a true smash until the ending.

[909] Disappointed that they chose To strike cheese Please stay away from the front three rows We're like, thank you Thank you Thank you That whole Gallagher run is going to get cut out Because it was too current For my show, yes You can never go wrong With watermelon -based comedy That's the one thing I've learned In Hollywood You've completely confused my audience Which stopped watching everything After Benjamin Buddy And stopped watching comedy Is timeless Yeah Yeah, after Gallagher, they stopped watching fruit -based comedy.

[910] So they don't know what's happening.

[911] Well, listen, gentlemen, it has been an honor to talk to you, and I really am genuinely happy.

[912] And I talked to so many people just in the last 24 hours because people are always asking me, who are you talking to today?

[913] And I mentioned your name and just pure delight.

[914] People are so...

[915] You've got so many fans out there, as you know.

[916] We, listen, we would not be here if it wasn't for you.

[917] We were watching your show religiously.

[918] We stole so many jokes from you.

[919] We just had to change little things like red hair or Boston.

[920] It's worked out so well.

[921] We just want to thank you for all that.

[922] Yo, this is, and this is like true story.

[923] Like, I did not hang table forever.

[924] And I was watching you at like 3 a .m. on a 13 -inch Sony Trinitron in my bedroom.

[925] Like, The year, 2000.

[926] Oh, yeah.

[927] You know, like, you know, shout it to Pimp Bob 5 ,000.

[928] You know what I'm saying?

[929] Oh, yeah.

[930] That's sweet.

[931] No, you know, I have to say you will experience this too, but the greatest thrill, there's so many nice things that come along with getting into this ridiculous business, but I think the all -time top thing is when you're talking to people that you admire who are doing comedy and performance that you really admire, and then you find out they checked you out as a kid, nothing beats that.

[932] Nothing beats that.

[933] So just thrilled, thrilled to hear that you didn't have cable and that I was.

[934] your only choice that's right you did the right thing anyway guys really thrilled to know you and continued success and onward and upward and I'll work on I'll work on my game I'm gonna pick it up I'm gonna start I'm gonna get the references I'm gonna get my references well into 2002 okay yeah so watch out I just want to shout out all y 'all don't realize Conan apparently is a blood he has on a blood bandana around his neck.

[935] I'm a blood.

[936] I'm a blood.

[937] Just want to give a shout out to our homie, Bonin, O 'Brien, you know what I'm saying?

[938] I put this up if, you know, if I, and I'd have a COVID test and they, the nurse, they want you to wear a mask, so I have this thing.

[939] But I realized recently I, um, that you look like you're going to rob a general store?

[940] Yeah, I look like I'm rub a general store.

[941] I also look a little bit like sort of a cowboy jigolo, you know?

[942] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[943] I'm, I'm, some pulling tricks out there.

[944] Hey, yeah.

[945] And he did pick his allegiance.

[946] He's a blood.

[947] Yeah, I'm sort of a blood, but I'm also, you know, I'm out there and I'm selling my body if I can.

[948] You're the only, you are the only person that has ranked voting for what gang you're going to join?

[949] You're like, oh, brooks don't work out.

[950] I'll go to the Crips, you know, we'll check it out.

[951] I'll check it out.

[952] I like to, it's like visiting a college.

[953] You know, you got to walk around the campus a little bit.

[954] Check us on his old fans.

[955] I'm going to spend some time with you, Bloods, to see if this works out for me. Or then I might try the Crips for a little bit.

[956] And he's down.

[957] Guys, seriously, I can't thank you enough.

[958] Continued success.

[959] Thank you so much, man. Okay, guys, quite a while ago, we used to do a recurring segment called Big Dick History, and it's time to bring it back out of the vault.

[960] Yes, I forget how we started talking about this, because I am a real history buff.

[961] I love reading about history, and then it somehow got perverted by you freaks into this segment called Big Dick History which is something I never signed on for but I am, I feel like I've completely lost control of this podcast and so if the fans wish it I will do as I'm asked.

[962] Okay, well it's gonna come down to this another quiz for you two and this is called Big Dick History the ideal wang, okay?

[963] This is just awful.

[964] I am so excited.

[965] This is not the kind of podcast.

[966] cast I wanted to do.

[967] It's not the kind of humor I like to delve into, but when Captain Gorley is at the helm, this is what I must submit to.

[968] All right, go ahead.

[969] I'm sorry, I just, I want to just add, I think it's important to note that I did win the first one because you cheated on a question about a male porn star.

[970] So I am the reigning champion of the big Dick history quizzes.

[971] I don't recall because I care about the world we live in and real issues.

[972] Okay.

[973] In this corner is the champion, Sonam of Sessian, and in this corner, the contender, Conan O 'Brien.

[974] All right?

[975] This is big.

[976] So this is the ideal weighing throughout history.

[977] What I'm going to do is name an era of ancient history and give you three options into what was the most popular type of Todger.

[978] Okay?

[979] This comes from bustle .com.

[980] What?

[981] Tadger?

[982] Is that a real name for a...

[983] Sure.

[984] Look, I'm running out of synonyms for Willie.

[985] Okay.

[986] I call it the old William Carlos Williams.

[987] Okay.

[988] Okay.

[989] So what type of William Carlos Williams was the most popular kind of John Thomas from that era?

[990] Does that make sense?

[991] Are we talking like how it's how big it is, how it angles itself?

[992] No, no, no. Sorry, it is that.

[993] It is a description.

[994] It's, it will be three different physical descriptions.

[995] And remember, because this is an audio podcast, to answer, you have to yell out your name.

[996] Okay.

[997] You have to remember that because you never remember that.

[998] You just start talking.

[999] That's your buzzer.

[1000] Okay.

[1001] All right.

[1002] Okay.

[1003] I often yell out my own name, uh -huh, during sex.

[1004] What?

[1005] It's an old bit.

[1006] Go ahead.

[1007] Could you keep this podcast?

[1008] It's the narcissist who yells out his own name during sex.

[1009] Okay.

[1010] Come on.

[1011] Okay.

[1012] So remember, I'm going to read three.

[1013] You can buzz in with your name at any time, but once you do that.

[1014] So you're going to give us descriptions.

[1015] Oh, God.

[1016] It's like watching paint dry listening to you.

[1017] Excuse me. Let me just see extremely I understand the rules.

[1018] You're such a Tracy Flick.

[1019] right now.

[1020] Just let it go.

[1021] We have to guess the era.

[1022] No, I will tell you the era.

[1023] No, he'll tell us the error.

[1024] Okay, okay, okay.

[1025] We have to, what's the best, what's the most positive description?

[1026] Okay.

[1027] Yeah, it's what people, what was the most, like, invoked type?

[1028] I didn't know it changed.

[1029] This is just, I mean, I love any any game show we're describing how to play it takes 45 minutes is a failed game show.

[1030] You know, on on Wheel of Fortune, they're not, Pat Sejek isn't out there for, you you know, 40 minutes, saying, so I'll spin the wheel, and when it ends on that, then that's what you do, you see, and then you'll see the letters.

[1031] I have a question, Pat.

[1032] That's my Pat Sajek impression.

[1033] All right, here we go.

[1034] Oh, good.

[1035] Here we go.

[1036] Ancient Egypt, and here are the three types.

[1037] Name which one was the most type of popular penis.

[1038] Curvy and girthy, clean and circumcised, tall and thin.

[1039] Conan.

[1040] Conan.

[1041] This middle one.

[1042] I'll read them again.

[1043] Curvy and girthy, clean and circumcised, tall and thin.

[1044] Conan!

[1045] Yes.

[1046] The first one.

[1047] What the...

[1048] Jesus Christ.

[1049] What?

[1050] Which one is it?

[1051] Curvy and girthy is incorrect.

[1052] Sona, you get to have a guess.

[1053] You know what?

[1054] I'm going to guess clean and circumcised because that's correct.

[1055] That's the one he originally guessed.

[1056] And to know that I can get the answer right by guessing what you originally guessed makes me feel like I've already won.

[1057] They were circumcising in ancient Egypt?

[1058] They sure were, yeah.

[1059] What did they use?

[1060] The tip of a pyramid?

[1061] How did they do that?

[1062] They'd have to haul a baby up to the top of a pyramid, put its John Dewey down there, and then hit it with a rock?

[1063] This is known from a surviving manuscript called the Turin erotic papyrus.

[1064] Yeah, basically more proof that pornography has always been with us.

[1065] Okay, number two.

[1066] ancient Greece and Rome and your options are stubby and soft long and lean or small and uncut Conan Conan long and lean sorry that's incorrect sona I'm gonna say stubby just because when I think of Greek men I think of lots of hair so the first one what stubby got to do with hair wait oh stubby I thought oh you mean stubbly like they shaved it like a beer yeah I thought you meant hairy Oh, man. I'm sorry, neither of you are correct.

[1067] Oh, no. It's small and uncut.

[1068] If you think of your great, you know, Grecian art, you see that reflected quite a bit.

[1069] You think those are small?

[1070] I always walk out of museums going, Jesus!

[1071] That baby statue was hung.

[1072] That angel was pack in serious heat.

[1073] My wife is always crying to walk out of the museum.

[1074] Please be quiet.

[1075] Okay, it is one point Sona, zero points Conan.

[1076] We are on to number three out of five.

[1077] I'm kind of proud that I'm losing.

[1078] Zero points, no, you're not.

[1079] You hate this so much that you hate losing.

[1080] Ancient India.

[1081] My specialty.

[1082] Just the tip.

[1083] All are welcome and tapered like a wizard's wand.

[1084] Sona.

[1085] Yeah.

[1086] Tapered like a wizard's wand.

[1087] I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

[1088] Conan, your remaining options are just the tip, and all are welcome.

[1089] We're all going to go with number two, all are welcome.

[1090] Correct.

[1091] We are tied up here on the ideal wine quiz.

[1092] Wow.

[1093] Let me tell you something about this comes from the Kama Sutra, and that male sizes of genitals were named for small, medium, and large, and they were the hair, the bull, and the horse.

[1094] The female genital sizes were named deer, mare, and elephant, which is weird because Mare is the medium and male is the horse, that's the large.

[1095] They don't line up, but that's what it is.

[1096] Yeah.

[1097] I just heard our shot at a pee -buddy disappear.

[1098] Well, we're going to get a peepy body.

[1099] Weeks ago, talking to President Obama, doing my best, I've talked to historians.

[1100] I've really tried to elevate us, and then you come along riding your flying wang into the picture, and you lower the conversational time.

[1101] So anyway, happy.

[1102] Thank you.

[1103] Okay.

[1104] Number four.

[1105] Edo period Japan.

[1106] Number one, huge, uncircumcised, and vainy.

[1107] Number two, delicate, dainty, and shrouded in silk.

[1108] Or three, sharp like a samurai sword.

[1109] Conan.

[1110] Sona, I believe.

[1111] The second one, the one shrouded in silk.

[1112] I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

[1113] Shoot.

[1114] Conan, your options are huge, uncircumcised, and vainy, or sharp like a samurai sword.

[1115] It would be number three, sharp like a samurai sword.

[1116] That is incorrect.

[1117] See, that's too obvious.

[1118] It's huge, uncircumcised, and vainy.

[1119] And this is our last question.

[1120] So this is for all the marbles, as it were.

[1121] All the testicles, okay?

[1122] You're just, this is a side of you that's, you shouldn't be proud of.

[1123] This is not, oh, I'm not proud.

[1124] This is just the lowest.

[1125] Okay, ready?

[1126] Henry the 8th's England.

[1127] Okay.

[1128] Off with its head, which means circumcised.

[1129] prim and proper or all about the bulge Sona Sona Now we both said it at the same time and you can listen on audio I am listening on audio You know what I'll let you have it I'll let you have it That's actually a smart choice Yeah You're doing the Monty Hall paradox Prim and proper Number two That's incorrect Sonia you can take it all here That's what I was gonna guess too Wait can you tell me the other two Off with his head Meaning circumcised Or all about the bulge All about the bulge.

[1130] That's right.

[1131] Soda keeps her championship streak.

[1132] Oh, my God.

[1133] Nothing makes me happier in life than beating you at things.

[1134] I can't even tell you how good this feels.

[1135] And everything that I've ever done in my life pales in comparison to when I beat you at something.

[1136] It just feels so fantastic.

[1137] Nope.

[1138] You know your way on a penis.

[1139] Congratulations.

[1140] Congratulations.

[1141] Conan O 'Brien.

[1142] needs a friend.

[1143] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1144] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1145] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1146] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1147] Incidental music by Jimmy Vovino.

[1148] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1149] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1150] Engineering by Will Bechtin.

[1151] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1152] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1153] Got a question for Conan?

[1154] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1155] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1156] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1157] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.