Flula Borg Returns

[0] Can I short -circuit this a little bit?

[1] Please.

[2] Everyone does this all the time.

[3] I really want to know what you have to say about this question.

[4] Doolie -bao -li -pam -di -boo -le -boo.

[5] You mean how do I feel about you being my friend?

[6] My name is Conan.

[7] Oh, I see.

[8] My name is Conan O 'Brien, and I...

[9] And I feel, you know, okay about being Ful -a -Borg's friend.

[10] This is wonderful news.

[11] Thank you very much, Conan.

[12] See.

[13] Matt Gurley, how are you?

[14] I'm okay, but I'm worried about Sona.

[15] Yeah, what is that?

[16] Because if I say a one word answer, it's like not enough.

[17] So I thought I'd josh it up a little.

[18] Oh, that's you juzzing it up?

[19] Yeah.

[20] That's with juzz.

[21] How is it if every time the podcast started, I was like, hey, Conan, how are you doing?

[22] I'm doing really well.

[23] Thank you very much.

[24] Okay.

[25] Appreciate it.

[26] I really do appreciate it.

[27] Why you're not going to be that cordial.

[28] You have a very, uh, complex, powerful, sophisticated, uh, microphone inches from your mouth and you're constantly yelling.

[29] Is that, Eduardo, is her volume an issue?

[30] No. Be honest.

[31] I wouldn't say so.

[32] Be honest.

[33] He's married to an Armenian girl.

[34] So, you know, he knows what's up.

[35] So is this, it's an Armenian thing?

[36] I have the filter on.

[37] Yes.

[38] This is the, uh, you guys speak very loudly to each other in your house.

[39] Yes, we do.

[40] Now you've got me all.

[41] Now, now, now you've, now you've, You can't even do it.

[42] You can't even do it.

[43] You can't even whisper.

[44] You know it be so funny, if you were in any kind of job that required you to whisper and you couldn't do it.

[45] Librarian.

[46] You guys, they welcome to the library.

[47] Hey, welcome to the neonatal ward.

[48] Now we do try to use softer voices here.

[49] I'm telling people to be quiet and I can't do it.

[50] You can't do it.

[51] Okay.

[52] I'm also leaning into the.

[53] Mike, I don't need to do that.

[54] No, you don't.

[55] You don't.

[56] No, I mean, I'm surprised.

[57] Eduardo, I'm always looking over Eduardo in thinking that small fires are breaking out on his control board.

[58] Because, I mean, that is a lot.

[59] But, you know, you're pretty loud, too.

[60] In fact, I've got my headphones turned down really low to the point where it's mostly like a mix of the outside sound and then both of you.

[61] Because you yell a lot, too.

[62] Okay.

[63] The term we like to use, Conan, you're very dynamic.

[64] Okay.

[65] I think I have a great.

[66] performance energy that has been a hallmark of my career yeah uh and son of a real performance energy has been a hallmark of my career yeah oh wow you uh you got me pretty good you did you got me pretty good no no and you know what to be fair that was pretty good yeah yeah you really you took me down a notch i'm dynamic i didn't see that coming i didn't see that character coming um but i mean do you when you've put your your children to sleep is it a problem do you when you then lean in and go night night guys is it a problem are you you're not asking for reals no i'm having fun yeah i know you are yeah yeah no i'm a loud person i come how do you say good night to them she shed potty oh come on what got to learn they've got to learn i want them to be able to get jobs in america they're gonna learn good night now they're going to be bilingual oh it's cool to be bilingual when are you going to teach them, what's the one you say?

[67] Keshed Potty.

[68] Okay.

[69] But when are you going to teach them, when are they going to learn good night?

[70] They learn good night from shit they watch.

[71] The TV they watch and stuff.

[72] You let them watch shit?

[73] Yeah, they watch shit.

[74] What are they watching?

[75] I mean, like they learn English, you know, we mostly speak to them Armenian and then they watch TV and stuff.

[76] Right.

[77] So what are they watching?

[78] Are they watching kids shows or do you have them watching?

[79] What are they watching?

[80] They watch, like, their favorite movies, right?

[81] My neighbor Totoro and the fantastic Mr. Fox and Ratatoui and Nemo are like what's what's up in our house.

[82] That's what's happening.

[83] Yeah, I'm trying to get them into the iron giant, but they're just like scared of the robot.

[84] I'm like, come on.

[85] Grow a pair.

[86] Who tells their little boys to grow a pair?

[87] First of all, they need to grow two pair.

[88] They don't each get one testicle.

[89] Hey, guys, grow a pair.

[90] What?

[91] What?

[92] We only get one.

[93] Don't speak English or you'll get a beaten.

[94] Oh, God.

[95] All right.

[96] All right.

[97] Well, we just got to peek into your world.

[98] Did no one speak Gaelic in your house?

[99] Yes.

[100] All Irish people speak Gaelic.

[101] I don't know.

[102] I don't know.

[103] I don't even honestly know what Gaelic sounds like.

[104] Isn't Irish, old Irish just called Irish, right?

[105] Am I wrong?

[106] Is Gaelic Scottish?

[107] No, Gaelic is...

[108] No, then I'll cut that.

[109] I look like a fool.

[110] No, you have to keep that in.

[111] No, I'm the editor.

[112] He's an editor.

[113] Yeah, but no, you got to keep that in.

[114] No, Gaelic is the old, you know, language of that island, of that particular island.

[115] Does your family speak, Gaelic?

[116] Of course not.

[117] We.

[118] The only way that, the only Irish thing about us is that I grew up hearing a lot of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, and Jesus Christ, Jesus Mary and Joseph, and it was constantly the response to everything.

[119] thing.

[120] And I think that that's, I thought that that was a Catholic thing.

[121] And then I knew that when I first started working with Robert Smigel, he'd be like, oh, Jesus Christ, what are we going to do?

[122] And I'm like, oh, okay, Jewish people say Jesus.

[123] Yeah, everyone.

[124] I think it's something that a lot of people say.

[125] Yeah.

[126] I didn't realize.

[127] I thought it was just Catholics that said that.

[128] It's all behind us.

[129] My guest today, a friend of mine traveled to Germany with me for an episode of Conan Without Borders.

[130] You know him from such movies and shows as Bitch Perfect, too.

[131] Trolls World Tour and curb your enthusiasm.

[132] I do love this man. I really do.

[133] He's hilarious.

[134] He's wonderful.

[135] And he's a really good fellow and delightfully funny.

[136] I'm excited to talk to him today.

[137] Flula Borg, welcome.

[138] You are, you're the fool of fools.

[139] Yeah, hello.

[140] The greatest fool of all time.

[141] Okay.

[142] You bring me constant joy and you're a tonic.

[143] I bring you, this is like, they must have this in Germany or in Austria, some sort of high.

[144] vodka.

[145] Is it a vodka?

[146] No, it's like a hot bath you sit in or some kind of a...

[147] Oh, you wanted to say a German word, say it.

[148] A sauna, a schlaizen's hauser.

[149] Yeah, that's a delicious one.

[150] And it's a tonic, right?

[151] Yeah.

[152] You just soak it up.

[153] You ingested.

[154] It comes into all of your pores.

[155] And then you just want to shake.

[156] Yes, yes.

[157] So that is what you are for me. Because whenever you're around, I'm instantly happy.

[158] I came in.

[159] I was in a bad mood today.

[160] I saw it.

[161] Yes, I saw.

[162] Yeah, I was thinking, I'm going to go, you know, the world's in bad shade, you know, oh my God, look at this body I've been cursed with.

[163] Oh, stop it, Conan.

[164] It's on fire.

[165] It's delicious.

[166] So many nipples.

[167] I meant, I meant it's a curse to have this body.

[168] I agree.

[169] Everyone's like, why not me?

[170] Men want to be me. Women want to be with me. Yes.

[171] And so I was depressed and feeling the burden of all that.

[172] And then I remember, oh, flu is on today.

[173] He exists.

[174] And I was so happy because you make me happy.

[175] Thank you as well, Conan.

[176] You make me also happy and I'm saying to you also, you are welcome for not having to play the Jack White music as I provided it for you with my mouth.

[177] That's right.

[178] I think from now on we would save a lot of money if we didn't play the Jack White song and we had you do it instead.

[179] Sorry, Jack.

[180] Which I think we're actually going to cost us more money because now there's an extra usage of the music in the episode.

[181] Oh, right.

[182] As cap.

[183] Because you're using the same tune.

[184] That's the problem, you German fool?

[185] I apologize.

[186] No, what we need to do is change the lyrics and the tune.

[187] Klaben schlid, Leibnogne glad.

[188] Yeah, gruben schlaug.

[189] See, that's going to bring down, don't and shalt, and let's see that, no one, there's no way in court anyone's going to say that that's we are going to be friends.

[190] No, that's, Conan O 'Brien, brought a friend.

[191] Mm -hmm.

[192] That's very good.

[193] One of the great marching tunes of all time.

[194] Oh, everyone, all the Sousers love that.

[195] Papa Souser, Mama Souser?

[196] Daddy Souser, of course.

[197] Yes.

[198] But not Cousin Souser.

[199] Oh, my God, you missed out.

[200] What?

[201] A couple of weeks ago, sitting in the very chair you're sitting in now, Arnold Schwarzenegger was here.

[202] Why did you not notify me via telegram?

[203] Well, I sent you a sausage gram.

[204] Oh, I never received those.

[205] My neighbor Charles always eats those.

[206] No, he was sitting in the very chair, and it's so funny because I would think he'd be one of your heroes, you know?

[207] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[208] He's my carbohydrates fitness protein, no, yes, golly.

[209] And Vernon Herzog was here as well.

[210] At the same time, they were setting piggyback.

[211] No, no, no, no, no. Yes, he, Herzog sat on Schwarzenegger's laugh and acted like his, ventriloquist dummy.

[212] Oh, okay.

[213] So Arnold was saying things like, well, you seem to be pretty happy today, Werner.

[214] And then the little, he was, he worked his mouth as if he were a dummy, but he was real.

[215] And Werner was going, it is very good to be here.

[216] The bear has brought madness into society.

[217] And it was just a really fun routine.

[218] How did they control each other's mandibles?

[219] Where were the hands inserted?

[220] You don't want to know.

[221] I think Arnold had his hand right up Werner Herzog's ass.

[222] Oh, is it to anus.

[223] Yeah.

[224] Yeah, that's the most natural ass is fine.

[225] You don't have to go to anus.

[226] We can say, okay.

[227] My point is that we've had these we've had these gentlemen here who are beloved fixtures in your culture.

[228] That's very true.

[229] Yes, both of those guys are legends.

[230] Yeah.

[231] And now you complete the trifecta.

[232] Oh, it's the three of us.

[233] Yeah.

[234] We can make it if we try.

[235] Well, I'm just saying there's Schwarzenegger, there's Herzog, and then there's Borg.

[236] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[237] Yeah, the expendables, Deutsche version.

[238] Brought you by Porsche The greatest machine Hello You and I I want to let our listeners know That you and I have been friends For a long time It's absolutely accurate You would come on my show And bring me absolute delight You would make me laugh Like a school child I love the schoolchildren Giggle a lot Yes, they giggle I was a little You would reduce me To a little Bavarian schoolboy chuckling as I As I licked my marzipan I knew you would say Marzipan I knew you And I was so happy when you were on the show.

[239] And then when you come on the podcast, you just bring me, you bring me absolute joy.

[240] Like I've just had a brisk walk in my leather shorts in the Alps.

[241] Oh, that's like a lipton iced tea.

[242] Pour it over your eyebrows.

[243] Well, okay, that's just stupid.

[244] Yeah.

[245] Welcome to me, Colin.

[246] Welcome to you.

[247] How have you been?

[248] First of all, Flula, I did embrace you out in the hallway.

[249] And you are made of pure mahogany.

[250] You must work out.

[251] constantly.

[252] Lots of pledge being sprayed all over my shoulders.

[253] No, no, I didn't mean you're being waxed down like mahogany.

[254] I mean, you are rock hard.

[255] Oh, okay.

[256] No, no, no. I didn't mean anything dirty or sexual.

[257] Oh.

[258] I know that you're still impotent, but you, I'm saying your shoulders, yes, your lats, your pecks.

[259] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[260] I just, it was like hugging an armoire.

[261] Like an awkward Lego.

[262] Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[263] Conan, I am bored.

[264] Have you heard of boredom?

[265] Yes, I have.

[266] Yeah, yeah.

[267] So when this occurs, I just take things that weigh more than me, and I put them up and down and down and up and down.

[268] Up and down and up and down.

[269] Yeah, the gravity.

[270] Yes.

[271] And so you do a lot of working out.

[272] I know you have a trainer.

[273] We've talked about this before.

[274] I've trainer Paulo.

[275] He's Italian.

[276] I don't understand him.

[277] He doesn't understand me. It's a very confusing United Nations.

[278] Well, the important thing is you and your Italian trainer.

[279] Yes.

[280] Get along.

[281] What we do.

[282] And is he really responsible for you being in this shape?

[283] Absolutely.

[284] I'm an idiot, Conan, as you have learned.

[285] I don't know what to ingest and what to invest.

[286] outjust.

[287] I heard that you also like bicycles.

[288] I like bicycles, yes.

[289] Yes.

[290] Yes, I like to look at them.

[291] I don't like to I've never gotten on one.

[292] Is this a fact?

[293] No, it's a lie.

[294] I was making what we in America call a joke.

[295] I think you call it a laubenschli.

[296] So I, no, I like to ride a bicycle.

[297] I do.

[298] Oh, great.

[299] Just like the Queen's song.

[300] Yes, I like to just like the Queen's song, yes.

[301] I like to get on a bicycle and I like to ride it.

[302] A friend of mine a shout out to my friend Brad told me, no one's ever had a bad day on a bicycle.

[303] And it's right.

[304] I'm always happy when I'm running a bicycle.

[305] What about the people that have been inadvertently struck by trucks?

[306] Oh, yes.

[307] He did say, I remember Brad saying this, with the exception of those who've been killed riding a bike.

[308] He did say that.

[309] It's a small exception.

[310] Other than this, Brad Pitt, it was Brad Pitt, correct?

[311] Yeah, I don't like to get it out there that I ride regularly with Brad Pitt.

[312] Yes, yes.

[313] But I ride regularly with Brad Pitt.

[314] Wow.

[315] Yes, yes, Mr. Mrs. Smith.

[316] A couple of us, a couple of us, triple A -listers, you've heard of A -listers.

[317] Yes, the restaurant.

[318] Leo DiCaprio, your Conan O 'Brien's, your, um, your, um, you're, uh, Efe Plum.

[319] Oh, who?

[320] Well, she was on the original Brady bunch.

[321] Oh, wonderful.

[322] I just said original, like there was been another one.

[323] Has there been a reboot?

[324] No, there was not a reboot.

[325] It's the only thing they haven't rebooted.

[326] Oh.

[327] No, they made a movie.

[328] Yeah, made a couple movies.

[329] Anyway, what I'm saying is, yes.

[330] Someone like me who's in the highest, highest, highest.

[331] highest echelons of celebrityhood.

[332] Single digit IMDB.

[333] I just, when I start to, when I start to ride my bicycle, other AAA celebrities show up alongside me. It's like Forrest Gump, except you're riding a bicycle, and the people following are also celebrities.

[334] Yes.

[335] Thank you.

[336] You're welcome.

[337] That's a very good image.

[338] That's exactly what it's right.

[339] Are you wearing a shirt that says, have a nice day?

[340] No, I'm not.

[341] No, you took it too far.

[342] That was far enough.

[343] Yeah.

[344] What is your diet like?

[345] because you're one of the healthiest men I know.

[346] This morning, what did you have?

[347] I had some chicken, and then also had some mashy potatoes.

[348] Why do you call them mashy potatoes?

[349] What do you name those?

[350] We call them mashy, mashas.

[351] Well, see, it's more, I would say, efficient.

[352] As a German, we just say mashy potatoes, as opposed to mashy, mashmash potatoes.

[353] Okay.

[354] We just call them.

[355] I was pulling your leg.

[356] Stop it.

[357] Wow.

[358] Oh, wow.

[359] Down, boys.

[360] No, we just say mashed potatoes here Yeah, yeah, yeah Have you heard of the song Mashed potato by the Wiggles?

[361] No, I haven't.

[362] Mashed potato, mashed potato.

[363] No, my children are grown, so I haven't listened to the Wiggles in a very long time.

[364] Adults can also listen to the wiggles.

[365] There's actually a warning on the label that says no. Oh, I didn't have.

[366] For anyone over four.

[367] I don't follow those.

[368] You'll go into a blind rage.

[369] Oh, perfect.

[370] Just start hitting bicyclists.

[371] So you get up in the morning.

[372] I want to hear about your regimen.

[373] Oh, I wake up.

[374] I ingest calories.

[375] I move very quickly.

[376] I ingest more calories.

[377] I think about Conan O 'Brien.

[378] W .CB