Samantha Bee

[0] Welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Samantha B, and I'm joined by Jordan Peterson.

[2] Hi!

[3] I wanted to be B. Samantha.

[4] Oh, okay.

[5] Welcome, welcome, welcome to your armchair expert.

[6] I'm O. Biden, joined by Mrs. Samantha B. No, I wanted to be B. Samantha.

[7] Oh, shit.

[8] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.

[9] I'm Jack Shepard.

[10] I'm joined by B. Samantha.

[11] God, good job.

[12] You'll fix all that in the head.

[13] B. What a great cast.

[14] She is so smart.

[15] I've been following her comedy for years.

[16] She's an O .G. Daily Show correspondent, one of the female comedians that I was like, she's rad.

[17] Yeah.

[18] And also, we caught up with her in a cabin in the woods, which was really the highlight for me. She was named one of Times 100 most influential people in 2017.

[19] She has the show you love full frontal with Samantha B. Of course, she was on the Daily Show.

[20] And she is the creator producer of Detour.

[21] She also has a podcast called Full Release with Samantha B. Another Nudgy Nudgy.

[22] Full frontal is her show.

[23] Full release is her podcast.

[24] Yeah, she's got some innuendo.

[25] Yeah, which I love innuendos because I'm a perf.

[26] Please enjoy Samantha B. Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[27] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcast.

[28] or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[29] He's an archaexper.

[30] Hey, hello.

[31] Can you just see me or am I?

[32] I see a little creature behind you.

[33] Oh, there's a little creature behind me. A woodland creature, but she has what she needed.

[34] A woodland creature.

[35] Were those swim goggles?

[36] I was wearing her flip flound.

[37] I stole her flip -flops from her, and she came to retrieve them.

[38] We're in a cabin in Maine right now, so anything could happen weather -wise.

[39] Like, I think a storm is coming.

[40] Anyways, whatever.

[41] So jealous.

[42] That is, oh, I love it here.

[43] Thank you so much for having me. It's exciting.

[44] We're excited.

[45] I need to know a little bit more about, I mean, this is for both of us triggering.

[46] Because you're on a vacation, but you've brought all your recording equipment.

[47] I know.

[48] Sorry.

[49] No, it's terrible.

[50] No, I'm about to do the exact same thing.

[51] We're about to leave on a motorhome trip and I'll have everything because you never know when you're going to have to record, right?

[52] 100%.

[53] But I snuck out, to be perfectly honest, I'm still actually working.

[54] Like, I'm not on full vacation until kind of like the end of this week because we actually have a show.

[55] We actually have a show tonight.

[56] And you're going to do it from Maine.

[57] No. I went away on a big travel trip.

[58] So I got all the footage that I needed.

[59] So that I needed.

[60] So that.

[61] that I could finish my work from this cabin that we go to.

[62] And so I brought all this.

[63] I have, like, such a hilarious setup.

[64] It's like a fold -out camp table.

[65] It's very wobbly.

[66] There's cat hair all over it.

[67] There's cat hair on the microphone.

[68] Anyways.

[69] Are you good at vacationing?

[70] Can you check out?

[71] Or are you not good at it?

[72] I'm not good at it.

[73] I get good at it.

[74] It takes me about four days of just, like, the most brutal nightmares.

[75] Like, just unspooling the brain.

[76] It takes a few days, and then I'm so into it and lost and completely check out of the entire world, very focused on vacation and relaxation and putting together snack trays.

[77] That's quite good.

[78] But there is a double -edged sword in that.

[79] So the great thing is, is like, you have a podcast, so you can do that anywhere.

[80] I imagine that your show that you make being at home or currently not being at home.

[81] You can probably do that anywhere, yeah?

[82] I could.

[83] I could.

[84] And that's actually what we did for an episode in this block.

[85] We did an episode from Rwanda.

[86] It was like doing a kind of a normal show.

[87] I mean, we're shooting lots of footage, so it was put together really quite differently.

[88] But we could theoretically do the show from anywhere.

[89] Like, we've learned that we don't need the conventions of the regular studio space.

[90] Yeah.

[91] That was actually a good learning journey in the last year.

[92] It's double -edged in that, like, oh, great.

[93] Now you can be mobile.

[94] And at the same time, you're never away.

[95] No one can ever not find you.

[96] You are very findable everywhere.

[97] But you're not findable on an RV trip, though.

[98] Like you're dragging your trailer.

[99] No, no one's going to come for you on an RV dress.

[100] No, it's hard to miss his RV, so people could easily come for it.

[101] Well, that's true.

[102] It's obnoxiously large.

[103] But aside from that, conceivably, Monica can call and go, hey, someone's so popped up, They can only do next week.

[104] I'll park the motor home in the Starbucks parking lot, steal their Wi -Fi, and do it, you know?

[105] You can do it.

[106] I have a little to -go box.

[107] I got a little wicker box with a lid that I put a laptop in it.

[108] And every conceivable attachment and an extra Ethernet, a Kutrimon, a microphone.

[109] Criminals in movies call that a go -bag, but it's the opposite of a go -bag because you're really taking your life with you on the road.

[110] It do.

[111] I mean, there's a lot of hunting knives in there, too.

[112] Of course.

[113] But yeah, so I'm holding, it's a grittier version of things because I'm holding the microphone.

[114] It's like doing the family show.

[115] Yeah, I am already nervous about fatigue.

[116] Arm fatigue.

[117] Yeah, like I honestly, four times it's crossed my mind that like you're going to run into some fatigue.

[118] Well, you got to get a camping table that is a foldout that tucks into a corner of the room and then you just rest your elbow on it.

[119] It's very natural.

[120] I'm getting a lot of nostalgia looking at this room because I think we're from since.

[121] semi -similar environments.

[122] I'm from Michigan across the way from you.

[123] You go up north in the summer and the houses and cabins are like this.

[124] Like the windows behind you, why even do a crack?

[125] I mean, they're not operational.

[126] And that is standard for a cabin.

[127] Let's get you a two inches of air.

[128] Two inches of air, but also just like a full blast of mosquitoes.

[129] Like all night long.

[130] So just enough space for the mosquitoes to come in, but not enough space for any fresh air to come in.

[131] Any circulation.

[132] of the air.

[133] No circulation, just hot air everywhere.

[134] Oh, God, this is great.

[135] Hold on.

[136] We got another passenger.

[137] We have so many visitors.

[138] I like this.

[139] If I don't see someone in their underwear before this is over, I'm going to feel robbed.

[140] You are definitely going to see that.

[141] So for Michigan and Canada, you go to a place that is twin beds only.

[142] Like, nobody's sleeping together.

[143] There's no king size, what?

[144] It's a camp bed.

[145] Beds are unmade.

[146] Beds are unmade.

[147] I mean, made my twin bed, but Jason didn't make us.

[148] This is really unkempting.

[149] Jason.

[150] Jason found his in.

[151] He did.

[152] He's like, finally, now's my chance to not care about really making the bed.

[153] And so we just have stacks and piles of crap everywhere.

[154] And then our kids, we have three kids and they're in the opposite side of the cabin.

[155] And there's a lot of ants.

[156] Oh, sure, sure, sure.

[157] Critters.

[158] Every time we come to this cabin, because we don't own this cabin, I have to buy more.

[159] silverware because there's only one fork and like a glass because there's nothing to drink out of anyways this is supposed to be fun well i was going to say let's try to figure out what because that appeals to me as well like it is objectively less comfortable than i assume where you normally live you have less of what you need it's messy and uncomfortable and there's bugs and yet i too am so jealous of you right now what happens why is it so pleasant every way we would measure comfort is out the window.

[160] I never really articulate these thoughts or feelings, but yeah, every possible creature comfort, we have a nice shower with glass doors at home.

[161] And here, the shower comes up to my nose, like the shower curtain comes up.

[162] Is the shower carpeted on top of everything else?

[163] Oh, it's not carpeted.

[164] Okay, because that's common.

[165] It's as close to carpeted as you can get without being carpeted.

[166] It feels carpeted.

[167] But what's wrong with us as humans?

[168] Because if this was your apartment in New York City or this was your home in upstate New York, you physically couldn't enjoy yourself.

[169] You couldn't even have five minutes of peace sitting in that house.

[170] And yet you're like a little bird right now just flying carefree.

[171] Carefree.

[172] I love it so much.

[173] And I love like the little expedition to the store to get a TV table because there's nothing to put my toaster on.

[174] And I bring my own toaster.

[175] The whole thing is great.

[176] And the kids are super into it.

[177] And they're just for them, Like, it is total freedom here because it's a very contained area where we are.

[178] So they just know the whole routine.

[179] We've come here every year for more than 10 years.

[180] So they just drop everything.

[181] They get on their bikes.

[182] They come back wet.

[183] You don't know how they got that way.

[184] Yeah, sure.

[185] Ocean water out front.

[186] Muddy.

[187] Someone's bleeding.

[188] We have to have a lot of backteen.

[189] I did a trip to the drugstore for, like, wound cleanser.

[190] But I bet even them.

[191] So I bet at home, they skin their knee.

[192] It's a big to -do.

[193] And then up there, they return out after their adventure.

[194] And they've probably accumulated five or six things that would have required your attention back home.

[195] But now they're better there, too.

[196] They don't give a shit, right?

[197] They don't give a shit.

[198] They're like, it's breakfast.

[199] We just finished our eggs.

[200] It's time for ice cream.

[201] Why isn't the ice cream place open yet?

[202] It opens at 11.

[203] They're like, all right, Jesus Christ.

[204] I'll wait 45 minutes.

[205] And then they go get ice cream, which is like the tower.

[206] It is heaven.

[207] I love it.

[208] It says something about us.

[209] I think it's about resilience.

[210] People like feeling like they overcame something.

[211] You think that's what it is?

[212] Yeah.

[213] Because that does not sound pleasurable to me. I think it's like when you enter the process of trying to perfect your environment, once you're on that road, that's all you think about.

[214] But then there's this elation with surrendering to like, oh yeah, this is uncomfortable and shitty.

[215] So let's go outside where it's fucking nice and that's where we should be anyways.

[216] There's something aspirational here.

[217] There's something we could maybe do in our normal real life where we like treat it as if we're in a shitty cabin in Maine and get over it all.

[218] Enjoy what you're supposed to enjoy.

[219] Yeah, it's true.

[220] Like when you're at home, you're like curating the floral beds.

[221] My Uber driver talked to me. He wanted to know how I got in show business.

[222] I'm sick of telling people how I got in show.

[223] I can't read any more scrap.

[224] Meanwhile, you're getting, like, eaten alive by fucking insects, and everyone's burnt and cut, and everyone's happy.

[225] We sat on the porch last night and played Othello, and my 12 -year -old son kicked my ass.

[226] Wait, what's Othello?

[227] What's that?

[228] Oh, my God.

[229] We've been outed.

[230] I don't know how to play chess.

[231] It's much less complicated than...

[232] It's just, like, a little harder than checkers.

[233] So it's a board game.

[234] It's a board game.

[235] Oh, is it circular the board?

[236] No. It's a square board with circular pieces on a grid.

[237] Okay, sorry.

[238] It's pleasing to the eye.

[239] You're trying to capture the other person's pieces.

[240] There's maybe a little more strategy than checkers.

[241] Now, really quick, about getting bested by your 12 -year -old.

[242] We literally had this conversation maybe four nights ago where I just debated my eight -year -old on something, ad nauseum.

[243] And I said, we're not too far out from we're going to lose the arguments.

[244] They are the best sums of our parts, and so they're going to best us.

[245] They're smart enough.

[246] I can see it coming.

[247] And what a weird experience that's going to be to be like on the business end of a great point.

[248] And on the business end of a savage takedown as well.

[249] Like humiliated.

[250] These people you created, and if not for you, they wouldn't even be able to play this game.

[251] And here they are standing on your grave doing an end zone dance.

[252] I have a 15 -year -old and 13th.

[253] And I have a 10 -year -old.

[254] My husband, he makes jokes about them.

[255] And I'm like, you should be careful because if they turn the eye of Sauron onto you, they will cut you in ways that you have not yet imagined.

[256] You don't know.

[257] They haven't done it to you yet.

[258] But I'm like, they've done it to me. Could we gender stereotype here?

[259] Is it your 10 -year -old and your 15 -year -old that are acutely skilled at those?

[260] Or does the boy as well know how to?

[261] All three of them.

[262] All three of them.

[263] But my 15 -year -old, she will drag me on family.

[264] and clothing in a way that is so beyond belief.

[265] She doesn't even know she's criticizing me. And I've rethought all my life choices.

[266] I'm like, I thought I looked cool.

[267] I thought I really nailed it.

[268] And she just, with a glance, tells me that I really do look my actual age of 51 and maybe older.

[269] Yeah.

[270] Maybe a lot older.

[271] What a thing.

[272] Here's why I asked is, boys, you have this threat of physical violence all the time, which is terrible.

[273] There's always around every corner growing up as a boy, at least in Michigan.

[274] Substantial probability of getting punched.

[275] But those hurt for an hour.

[276] Hopefully no one saw it, whatever.

[277] But some of the stuff gales can say to each other, are they are like...

[278] It affects you for a lifetime.

[279] For a lifetime.

[280] A young woman can really hit you with some psychology that'll fucking turn your life around for the worse.

[281] I have to tell you, I don't know.

[282] I think you need to meet my son because he is a beast.

[283] Well, that's the growth we're looking for.

[284] Yeah, equality.

[285] Yeah, we want equality.

[286] We want males to be manipulative.

[287] But he's grown up sandwiched between two women.

[288] Yeah.

[289] So there's...

[290] He's betwixt.

[291] Good for him.

[292] He's going to be better for that.

[293] He's betwixt.

[294] Oh, he will be.

[295] He can roll with any team of people.

[296] He's figured it all out before any of us.

[297] But he can drop his own knowledge, and it is painful.

[298] And do he and dad buttheads at all?

[299] Is he old enough yet for that?

[300] That's the part I'm really grateful I'll avoid because I have two daughters.

[301] I don't want the...

[302] showdown in the kitchen where the son finally decides he can take this old dinosaur and claim his rightful crown as the patriarch of the family.

[303] I don't want that experience.

[304] Oh, I don't want to witness that either.

[305] I haven't thought too much about it, but now I'm...

[306] Talk about it, lose, lose.

[307] Either you beat your son up or you get beat up by your son.

[308] This isn't always the way it does.

[309] All right, all right.

[310] I'm trapped in my 80s upbringing.

[311] I definitely know that there's going to be a time when our children turn to us and they're like, oh, I'm going to take care of you now.

[312] I see that you're not really capable in this world.

[313] Yeah.

[314] I can see that you don't really have the skills.

[315] Like, my 10 -year -old daughter fixed my computer the other day.

[316] I was trying to do a bunch of Google meets and shit.

[317] It was hard.

[318] And I couldn't get the sound to work.

[319] Like, I just couldn't get it.

[320] And there was no reasonable.

[321] Like, this is how I've made the show for a year.

[322] Like, I've been doing this for a really long time.

[323] time now, and I think I have a real facility with it.

[324] I'm not totally behind, and I just couldn't get the sound to work, and I was like, it's the computer.

[325] It's this dud, this lemon of a computer, this useless piece of shit.

[326] She was like, what are you struggling with?

[327] Can I help you?

[328] I see you're getting frustrated.

[329] I'm like, no, you can't help me, but you could try, and she went like this, boop, and it was all fixed.

[330] And I don't even know what she did.

[331] And I was like, tell me why you did.

[332] And she was like, I don't even remember.

[333] It's too elementary for her to even, yeah.

[334] It's like asking her how she makes her heartbeat.

[335] I don't have to think about it.

[336] It just beats.

[337] I don't know what to tell you.

[338] Exactly.

[339] The lungs are working.

[340] Everything's just doing what it's supposed to do.

[341] Everything just does it.

[342] Blu -blop.

[343] Let's talk about really quick Toronto in the 80s.

[344] My mother would take us every year right before school started.

[345] We did our school clothes shopping there on Youngstreet.

[346] And we would go into all these little record shops that sold these really cheap punk rock t -shirts.

[347] None of them licensed.

[348] It was all screen prints of, like, exploited.

[349] And we'd stay at the Harbor Castle Hotel at the very end of Young Street.

[350] Oh my God, the Harbor Castle Helton.

[351] Yeah, first time ever in a hot tub.

[352] We have so much to discuss.

[353] Eaton Center at its prime, Sam the Record Man. Yes.

[354] Lots and lots of head shops.

[355] I was probably standing outside the Eaton Center selling silk screen t -shirts.

[356] No. Like, yep.

[357] I sold like rats t -shirts.

[358] You know, roots, like this dude that I worked for made comedy t -shirts, and I just sat outside the Eat and Center in the hot sun.

[359] Do you move a lot of product?

[360] A lot of product.

[361] Oh, good.

[362] I don't remember what I got paid or if he even paid me. You probably got like three free rat t -shirts.

[363] I know that I had to run when the police came.

[364] Oh, sure.

[365] Yeah, I don't think if you've not had a job in your youth that was borderline legal.

[366] Like I certainly had one for my father where I would try to sell ads for this pamphlet, hugs, not drugs that would prevent kids from getting on drugs.

[367] And I would take meetings at like Kiwanas clubs and convince them I wouldn't have turned to drugs if I had had this thing.

[368] Now in retrospect, totally it was a racket.

[369] And it's a character builder, isn't it?

[370] Like to look at these Kiwanas men, they were older.

[371] And I would tell them a lie.

[372] And then I'd ask them to buy an ad.

[373] I think it builds putspah.

[374] Yeah, it does build character.

[375] It builds something.

[376] Not to bring it back to my kids again, but I do look at them and I'm like, at my daughter's age, I was fully working.

[377] So I didn't have a summer to myself.

[378] I was like selling fucking rats t -shirts and doing another job on top of that.

[379] Yeah.

[380] To just try to buy my own shoes.

[381] Like, there were no free rides.

[382] It was just like, summer's on, time to work.

[383] If you want to buy French rice, you are going to sell t -shirts on the corner and come back at 11.

[384] I don't know, come back tonight.

[385] Yeah, whenever it dries up, whenever the customers evaporate.

[386] Totally.

[387] What did your parents do?

[388] My parents were divorced.

[389] My dad did computer stuff at a college, so he remarried.

[390] And I mostly lived with my mom and my grandmother.

[391] I kind of like floated around a little bit.

[392] And my mom worked for the government, I guess the Canadian equivalent of the IRS.

[393] And so I had to work, and I always did.

[394] So I don't think I've had like a summer off since I probably was 14.

[395] Did she have boyfriends and stepdad's and all that stuff?

[396] She did.

[397] Yeah, she did.

[398] How'd you enjoy that?

[399] I enjoyed some more than others.

[400] Uh -huh.

[401] I definitely am not in touch with any of them as an adult.

[402] Right.

[403] But they were long -term, maybe three or four years at a time.

[404] The first person we lived in his house for a while, his house was really haunted.

[405] Oh.

[406] Like, it had been a hospital in the war.

[407] Oh, my.

[408] I was eight or nine in this decrepit, huge hospital that was kind of like separate apartments where people would just kind of go to die.

[409] Yeah.

[410] And they gave me my own apartment.

[411] Oh, this one's had the least amount of people dying it.

[412] You're going to love this one.

[413] I don't know about that.

[414] And they were like, it's at the very top of the house.

[415] So it's like the belfry of the house.

[416] And that's all yours.

[417] And you can put your record player up there and live in the belfry, whatever.

[418] And so I was like, oh.

[419] Okay, so I had a key to my own apartment.

[420] At what age?

[421] When you're eight?

[422] Oh, this is so bizarre.

[423] When you'd have friends over, like, to your apartment, what you didn't.

[424] To your apartment.

[425] I have a lot of friends.

[426] No, I also went to school, like, really across town.

[427] So, again, unlike, like, how my kids got to school, I would, like, hop on a street car to another street car to my school.

[428] So I was commuting myself, for sure.

[429] Leaving your apartment at five.

[430] Leave my apartment.

[431] Oh, my God.

[432] Commute.

[433] Yeah, like eat a dry packet of tang And it's time of school Tang But I had like a record player up there And I had some books up there And I had like a table and a sofa This sounds so fucking lonely Were you lonely out of your mind?

[434] I had friends at my school And they all...

[435] Yeah, but a child shouldn't live in their own apartment I think that's true I mean I slept in the same apartment as my mom I slept with her This was like a leisure Oh, this was your rec room.

[436] Anyway, the point is it was deathly scary, and I was terribly afraid of the hallways.

[437] There were such scary movies on TV, like that, oh, God, like the Exorcist came out, and I went to see Jaws when I was like seven Children of the Corn, Salem's Lot.

[438] I don't know Salem's Lot.

[439] Oh, I think it was made for TV movie, and it was fucking terrifying vampires.

[440] And so I was pretty afraid in that house.

[441] That relationship didn't last longer than a few years.

[442] But for you, a 30 -year life at that point.

[443] It was a 30 -year life.

[444] I learned more in that house.

[445] My children will probably never learn the things that I learned, maybe in their lifetime.

[446] I want to know if this is like universal to kids of divorce.

[447] Having new adults show up on the scene and they have their kind of set of rules, there's like this honeymoon phase where they're just your buddy and then they start parenting you and it's miserable.

[448] Like, did you have absolute hatred towards authority?

[449] I'm just total projection.

[450] I'm just curious if like it's common.

[451] I've never really interrogated this in myself.

[452] I don't automatically give over my respect and appreciation to authority.

[453] I kind of go, let's see what we think here.

[454] And I teach that to my kids too.

[455] I'm like, okay, this person is your teacher.

[456] I think you owe them the respect of like another human being.

[457] But if they tell you to do something that is appalling to you as a human being, you have the right to go, I know that this is not correct.

[458] I'm not doing this thing.

[459] My mom's relationships didn't really try to parent me all that much.

[460] There wasn't much they could offer to me. I think I was more like a person in their life that was like, oh, this woman that I really dig comes with this other thing that is like fucking weird.

[461] Like she just looks at me and she's just always reading and she doesn't get in my way too much.

[462] Like I wasn't really part of their life.

[463] You made it easy on them.

[464] I made it pretty easy on them, but not on purpose just because I didn't really care.

[465] about them.

[466] Were you an introvert or you were just interested in your things and busy, preoccupied?

[467] Very much an introvert.

[468] And I also had my dad.

[469] I wasn't like looking for dadness from them.

[470] I was just like, hey, Mike.

[471] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[472] Do you get a new car, Mike?

[473] That's cool.

[474] Can I play with your computer?

[475] No, that's cool too.

[476] I'll see you later.

[477] I'm going to go out.

[478] I'm going to go catch a street car downtown.

[479] I grew up fast.

[480] I was definitely an adult by 15.

[481] I didn't need to.

[482] much.

[483] Okay.

[484] So then how about this?

[485] Did you find adults patronizing?

[486] I was so trying to be an adult, trying to be correct all the time, and to be very smart and to be able to handle myself with adults always.

[487] And when they only saw me as a child, I was always so angry about that.

[488] I remember one time, this is psycho right here, the question in a trivial pursuit game with a bunch of was who is the Prince of Wales and I said Moby Dick and all of the adults burst out laughing and I was like I was so angry at everybody I was mortified oh my God my kids are looking at me like hi oh hi there's a cat now a cat climbed up on the camp table the children are everywhere someone's going to come in here in a web bathing suit I hope you're ready the computer's bouncing let's just say this is an active scene like this is an active scene This is a real -life active home.

[489] You're not in a studio and a controlled environment.

[490] This is very active.

[491] Anything could happen.

[492] This is what you can expect when you podcast from a Starbucks parking lot or a motorhome.

[493] And I'm trying to tell them to be quiet in their bunk beds.

[494] Yeah, they were just all at one point staring in the window at me and are like, your job is so stupid.

[495] Yes.

[496] Yes, you're talking to a microphone.

[497] What are you doing, Mom?

[498] What is wrong with you?

[499] Who wants to hear what you're saying into a. microphone.

[500] Earlier today, they were like, are you working today or something?

[501] Because you're in a weird mood, like you have work.

[502] They're intuitive.

[503] I'm like, I do have work.

[504] Thanks for letting me know that nine times out of ten, I'm just acting weird.

[505] That was important.

[506] I'm going to ask one more prying question.

[507] My mom was like, hey, it's us four and it's a scrap.

[508] And so you three need to be helpful.

[509] You need to clean this house.

[510] I'm barely making it.

[511] Like, we're a team.

[512] I'm sorry.

[513] I can't afford you the version where you're just a kid.

[514] I was kind of entrusted to be an adult or I was asked if I could participate in that way.

[515] So then when I was doing the work, helping raise my sister, doing all this stuff, and fucking adults would treat me like I was out to lunch.

[516] I found it uniquely aggravating.

[517] Like, no, no, no, I earned this.

[518] Right.

[519] And I'm not a fucking dummy.

[520] I know what you're talking about.

[521] You can't talk in code around me. Like, I was indignant about it.

[522] Oh, that's great.

[523] I was indignant about it, too.

[524] Like, occasionally, I love my dad and I love my stepmom.

[525] I get along with them so great.

[526] Like, I absolutely love them.

[527] But they would pretend that they didn't swear.

[528] Like, they would do all this, like, kid stuff where they would be like, oh, and try to catch themselves in a swear.

[529] Or try to explain something, like a very young concept to me. Like, I just remember my dad trying to explain to me what a lesbian was.

[530] I was like, what?

[531] And then a tonal shift in his voice.

[532] A tonal shift.

[533] I'm like, are you fucking kidding?

[534] I just was like, I know all this stuff.

[535] Like, please don't talk down to me. I'm out here.

[536] Like, I'm doing it.

[537] I'm on these streets.

[538] I'm selling product.

[539] I'm taking care of myself.

[540] I have an apartment.

[541] I made dinner tonight.

[542] I made Swiss steak for everybody.

[543] Like, I'm fully capable.

[544] A very, very capable person.

[545] That's carried into how I talk to kids.

[546] Like, I always talk to kids as if they're 40.

[547] And I guess I'll let them ask if they're confused.

[548] I don't know if it's right.

[549] It's just like avoiding my own issue, I think.

[550] No, I think it is right.

[551] I think it's right to be true to yourself.

[552] And we talk to our kids.

[553] We don't think about it too much.

[554] I think we just talk to them like they're normal people.

[555] And that like we're in it together.

[556] We're a team.

[557] We're all in this.

[558] And so we all want to have a pleasant experience.

[559] Why are you freaking out?

[560] Like tell me what the thing is so we can get through it so we can like move on.

[561] Let's keep it moving.

[562] Yes, yes.

[563] One foot in front of the other.

[564] Yeah.

[565] Okay.

[566] My last Toronto question.

[567] Will Arnette?

[568] Do you know him?

[569] I don't think I've ever.

[570] met him, maybe only in a really super fleeting way, but I don't know how.

[571] Because you guys were prowling those Toronto streets at the exact same time.

[572] I mean, I recognize it's a big city, but I would have thought maybe over the years both being in comedy would have bumped into each other.

[573] Well, you know, I did comedy for a really long time, and I was in like an all -female sketch troop called The Atomic Fireballs, and we love to perform and we put on shows, but we weren't like a part of the, oh, here, because another bathing suit person, another bathing suit person.

[574] Someone just ran into the bathroom.

[575] They're doing such a good job being quiet, though.

[576] Yeah, yeah, they're peeking.

[577] Yeah, they think I'm...

[578] Just grab a towel.

[579] Just grab a stack of towels.

[580] Take another peek.

[581] So active, I love it.

[582] It's great.

[583] They definitely think I'm crazy for...

[584] Oh, Piper's looking at me. She's walking past.

[585] She's laughing because I said her name.

[586] So damn it.

[587] It is.

[588] It really is.

[589] I hope that this is okay because I just...

[590] Oh, of love it.

[591] This is how I love him.

[592] I can't even remember the question.

[593] Oh, yeah, we did comedy for a long time, but we put on our own shows.

[594] It was like us, we'd be like, we're going to do a show in June, let's get the poster art, let's tack posters up.

[595] It wasn't like we were in the comedy circles.

[596] We weren't like on television.

[597] You were like alternative.

[598] We were, but we were so alternative.

[599] Yeah.

[600] So when I was reading about you, I feel like my journey took forever.

[601] And anytime I like read about someone who was even older or had been doing it even longer, I just feel a kinship.

[602] I was like eight, nine years in L .A. auditioning before I ever got hired for one thing.

[603] And I certainly was like, yeah, this is not going to pan out for you at all.

[604] Right.

[605] And I think you and I started working the same year, like 2003.

[606] Yeah.

[607] I definitely thought it was not going to pan out for me. Oh, definitely.

[608] I had a plan B in full.

[609] I was like, I can't fucking do this anymore.

[610] like I can't just wait around for someone else's phone call anymore oh yes brutal what was the reasons like I had my reasons why no one would hire me did you have like a laundry list of reasons I think I had my reasons I don't really know what it was I think I was very uncomfortable in auditions actually I just it's so nerve -wracking and the thing that actually was cleansing and the thing that made everything possible was doing comedy with my all -female sketch troupe because At that point, like when I latched onto that and I was performing and getting that part out of my system and like doing the whole thing, like writing the sketches, rehearsing the sketches, making a music playlist for like the before the show part, like creating a whole evening of show, including the art. That was so fulfilling to me. And we didn't make any money doing it.

[611] We worked for beer tickets.

[612] Like that alone was so fulfilling.

[613] Some version of me could just still be doing it.

[614] that now.

[615] Yeah.

[616] I similarly look back at being in the Sunday company and doing a show every Sunday, writing sketches all week, then buying the costumes on Thursday, then getting a wig, that whole thing.

[617] And sadly, probably the funest part of my entire ride in entertaining.

[618] There was no ulterior motive.

[619] It was simply to perform on the stage because there was no money and there was no promise of money.

[620] It was just very fun.

[621] Very fun.

[622] There wasn't any straight line between doing that and going like, now I have a full career in the arts.

[623] It just was like a thing that you did because you loved it and you would hope that it would lead to something.

[624] Like somebody would go, we're going to give you a television show, a sketch show.

[625] Like the kids in the hall and you were like, oh, my house in the dream.

[626] But really, we just did it because we loved it and because that was like so foundational.

[627] Those building bricks of doing every job, feeling that you had created a complete entertainment with no possibility of reward.

[628] Like doing that, finding that nut of something that I loved helped me get jobs because I no longer cared about doing well in an audition.

[629] Because I was like, I don't fucking care.

[630] I'm like really busy.

[631] I'm going wig shopping.

[632] I got to fill my tickle trunk and then I got to meet with like a graphic designer because we're doing our posters and then we have to put them all up.

[633] So I don't really have time for this.

[634] And it's my turn to pick up the free tub of beer for the audience.

[635] 100%.

[636] Yeah.

[637] It's just occurring to me as you said that the ownership you have over the.

[638] shows because I too had a troop that we did shows on the side.

[639] And I think that's what makes us past sketch performers a handful when you hire us because we're used to having a ton of ownership over the whole thing.

[640] And I think if you've only been an actor for hire that joins things, you probably don't have that same sense of like, I know what it feels like to be part of the direction it goes in.

[641] And I need that.

[642] We're very deep into my psyche.

[643] And I appreciate it.

[644] Because I don't, maybe I'm like, I don't think about this stuff too much, but very true.

[645] And my husband did sketch comedy.

[646] He was in quite a successful sketch comedy troupe.

[647] And he's the same way.

[648] He's just very much this way.

[649] He's like, I start something from nothing.

[650] I see it through.

[651] I'm a finisher.

[652] I get the job done from start to finish.

[653] And he brings that energy to every single job that he does.

[654] So he's not really satisfied to be like, what are my lines?

[655] Let me learn them.

[656] And I will say them.

[657] He's more like, well, I wrote this thing.

[658] Why don't you buy it?

[659] and then I'm going to make it and I'll direct all of it and I'm going to tell everybody else what to do, but also I'll be in it and then I'll give it to you and you can put it on your television network.

[660] Yeah, yeah.

[661] You can say thank you in six months.

[662] You say thank you.

[663] Yeah, exactly.

[664] Yeah, I bet that's where it stems from when I wanted to direct.

[665] It wasn't that I was sitting on a set going like, oh, I want that person's job.

[666] They blank.

[667] It was just like, oh, I'm only doing the small smidgen of what I'm used to doing.

[668] And I want to do all the things because that's the part that feels rewarding.

[669] That energy of being able to do every job or wanting to control.

[670] the product or like having a really broad understanding of all kind of like all the jobs and being able to kind of coalesce that into one thing.

[671] It's very special, but it also is very annoying to people because I do think in this business, like many businesses, people do tend to like to stay in their lane.

[672] And once you get out of your lane a bit and you're like, well, what about if you just did this over here?

[673] I think that would be really fun.

[674] People are like, that's my department.

[675] Why are you?

[676] It makes you a bit of a control freak.

[677] And I actually think that's.

[678] Okay.

[679] I think it's kind of a good thing.

[680] Look, it takes all types of us.

[681] Yeah.

[682] I mean, your show's been nominated for 21 Emmys.

[683] Oh, that's nice.

[684] Something outrageous.

[685] Yeah, 21 Emmys for full front in six seasons.

[686] So.

[687] Wow.

[688] That's nice.

[689] Thank you.

[690] I don't think you get nominated for 21 Emmys if you show up and go like, oh yeah, what were you guys thinking I should do?

[691] What did you say?

[692] I'll do you say.

[693] You tell me. Say it again.

[694] And then I pause after then.

[695] Oh, you're hitting and really.

[696] hard okay right it's true there's a lot of like paddling under the surface at all times stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare what's up guys it's your girl kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and i'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest okay every episode i bring on a friend and have a real conversation and i don't mean just friends i mean the likes of amy polar keel mitchell Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[697] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[698] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[699] We've all been there.

[700] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[701] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[702] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[703] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[704] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

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[708] Were you in Toronto all the way up to a daily show?

[709] Well, I was getting ready to give up acting completely because I was like, this fucking blows.

[710] There are things that I want for myself.

[711] And you were already with Jason at this point, right?

[712] You guys met really early on in a play.

[713] I think we met in 96.

[714] I think we started dating in 96 or 97 is when we started dating.

[715] So I was like auditioning and I just was like, I can't.

[716] sit around anymore and wait for some magic to happen that will allow me to pay my mortgage and have just some stability.

[717] I just wanted, like, a stable home a little bit, just to be able to pay my bills and not worry every month to people that, like, have kids and not be stressed about when the next job would.

[718] I was just like, I'm done with that part.

[719] I can't do that anymore.

[720] And you certainly had friends, peers, who at this point now have a house on Muscoca and some people own speed boats.

[721] Like that was my experience where it's like I'm looking at my friendship group from home and these people are like owning homes and have ski boats and snowmobiles.

[722] And I'm like, oh, I'm not accumulating anything.

[723] I want to stop working someday.

[724] And I was waitering a lot and I was working at this print shop.

[725] So I was working at an ad agency, but in their print shop where all the big decisions are made.

[726] Oh, all the big decisions.

[727] You know, like trying to like facilitate billboards going up.

[728] And I was so bad at it.

[729] Like really just so, so bad at it.

[730] So many bad things happened when I tried to do that job.

[731] And the Daily Show was a show that I watched.

[732] I loved it.

[733] It was like a special appointment viewing for me and my husband.

[734] And so they were coming to down because they were looking for a woman because I guess in all of America, they couldn't find a woman that suited them.

[735] And I was like, okay.

[736] I don't find that hard to believe.

[737] I bet that was the case.

[738] I'm like right, right here.

[739] So they came to Toronto to read Toronto women, to read like mostly women from Second City.

[740] And I was not there.

[741] because they wouldn't hire me. And my agent was like, do you want to do this?

[742] We have to round out the day.

[743] There aren't that many women at Second City.

[744] And so it needs to seem more professional.

[745] So we just need more women to show up.

[746] And I was like, I'm ready.

[747] I will be there.

[748] And I was like, this will be my last thing that I do in this industry.

[749] I'll just audition for the show that I love the most.

[750] And that's my swan song.

[751] And I'll leave the business going out on a high.

[752] I'll do the best job that I could possibly do on this because I love this show.

[753] And this is very meaningful.

[754] And it'll be like the perfect.

[755] exit.

[756] Yeah.

[757] And then they hire me. Wow.

[758] Crazy.

[759] I had the exact same experience auditioning for punked.

[760] Yeah, because I went on like six or seven or eight or nine auditions for punk where they kept recombining us with people.

[761] I said this to myself, if you can't book a show that involves improv and a total lack of fear of getting in a fist fight, you're not going to book anything.

[762] Like sincerely, this is the one that couldn't possibly be more made for you.

[763] So if you can't get this one, it's seriously time for you to acknowledge you're not going to get anything.

[764] Wow.

[765] So very similar.

[766] Very similar.

[767] Yeah.

[768] Like, this is it.

[769] How did you prepare?

[770] I, too, hated auditioning.

[771] I was never great at it.

[772] I was always a mental racket.

[773] But improv, that's the secret.

[774] Like, you cannot help but be you if you're improvving.

[775] So I think that's why I got it is I wasn't trying to make someone else's words sound right coming out of my mouth.

[776] My God, that is incredible.

[777] And so when you did it, did you have scripts or did you two kind of go off and demonstrate what you could do?

[778] Their audition process was very backwards to what the actual job really was, but I was fine with it.

[779] Like, I read a bunch of scripts for them, but I had already seen those scripts.

[780] Like, they were scripts that I knew because I watched the show so religiously.

[781] So one was the Stephen Colbert script about SARS.

[782] Uh -huh.

[783] And one was a Steve Coral bit about something else?

[784] And I was like, I know these really well.

[785] Because not only had I seen them, I'd seen them in repeat.

[786] At some point, you're always kind of doing an impression of Stephen Colbert there.

[787] So I did that.

[788] I knew the tone.

[789] And later I found out that they were, this is so funny.

[790] Later I found out that they were like, you know, we really were looking for someone very specifically who looked like they'd really been around the block, like a little busted, you know?

[791] like someone who's been a journalist and has really taken some body blows.

[792] I was like, well, that's me. High miles and not on the highway, only down dirt roads.

[793] Yeah, yeah.

[794] Who was mean enough to tell you that's what they were looking for?

[795] I think probably it happened at a cocktail party or something.

[796] It was probably like a Christmas party conversation, but whatever.

[797] I was like, no, I agree with you.

[798] That is exactly how I looked because that's how I felt.

[799] Right.

[800] You were at the end of your row.

[801] 100%.

[802] You immediately moved to New York.

[803] And what is Jason, is he fine with that move?

[804] Well, we knew that we would end up in the States one day.

[805] And he was doing much better than I was.

[806] He was working a lot.

[807] He was on a show that was really popular for a while called Queer as Folk.

[808] He was like a really a working actor.

[809] And I was not in the same way.

[810] So we thought that our path to the States was we thought we were going to come down to L .A. and live at the Highland Gardens like all our friends were doing and just do pilot season and then come back and go back and forth a bit and then eventually land.

[811] there and he would start working on something, hopefully, and get our paperwork.

[812] So it was really a shock to both of us that the path ended up through me immigrating and him following.

[813] He stayed in Canada for six months.

[814] He was working on something actually that he needed to finish up.

[815] And he was like, I love you and I believe in you, but this might not last.

[816] Let's not blow it.

[817] Like, let's keep our place.

[818] And I'll live here.

[819] And I'll keep the dog.

[820] And we'll just go back and forth for six months and we'll see how it goes.

[821] And I was like, this is practical.

[822] We're very pragmatic.

[823] We're just pragmatic people like to the bone, to the DNA.

[824] So I was like, I'll go.

[825] I'm going and coming.

[826] I'm going to get some paperwork and we're going to make this work.

[827] I'm going to spend no money to live there because this is the one and done.

[828] This is one and done.

[829] This is a good opportunity.

[830] It's going to open a lot of doors for me in Canada.

[831] This is great.

[832] So let's see how this pans out.

[833] And then it just panned out and kept panning out.

[834] So gently, like just slowly over time, we move more of our stuff and then slowly, like very slowly, I would say, acclimatized to New York City and finally, like, we'd have roots down now.

[835] But it took us a long time to really to believe.

[836] And you did 12 years there.

[837] I was 12 years there, yeah.

[838] Which is the record.

[839] Yeah.

[840] It's a weird record.

[841] Do you not like it or like it?

[842] I'm kind of ambivalent about it.

[843] It doesn't seem reasonable.

[844] I can't believe I had a job, a single job for 12 years.

[845] In show business, it's almost impossible to have a job.

[846] Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

[847] We knew for a long time that our time was winding down at the daily show.

[848] We were like, all right, super pragmatic.

[849] Again, these sketch comedy people, we were like, we know that the next move for us is for there to be something with our name on it, that we own, that we're the creators of, that we're getting paid as executive producers of, that we have more ownership over.

[850] So we took our time there to really put those building blocks in place.

[851] And we were writing, creating, selling scripts, writing movie scripts together, selling TV pilots together, still auditioning for other stuff, like just like putting all of it together to have legs on our career, which was smart.

[852] More and more, man, it's neck and neck.

[853] We've pointed out on here in the past when we talked to like Ed Helms, a whole bunch of people that Saturday Night Live was the kind of only thoroughfare to either your own show or to movies or to whatever it was.

[854] And the only thing second to that is the Daily Show, like that has become such a feeder of so many.

[855] I mean, even you just throwing out Steve Carell and Colbert in John Oliver and Hussein and you, it's pretty high percentage of the folks that served their time there that went on to have something.

[856] And I wonder, what would you attribute that to is that they had a really unique eye in casting or you learned some fundamentals there that are really valuable?

[857] I think they were good at casting, but maybe even more so.

[858] It really was an incredible training ground.

[859] Like it was not always a pleasant job.

[860] It was very hard and sometimes grueling, like an incredible opportunity.

[861] But you had to make something with it.

[862] It wasn't like a situation where you could just kind of like sit back and let the accolades roll in.

[863] Like if you wanted to do well there, you had to grind it out.

[864] And that was like a lot of travel, just days and days of filming, shit that you knew would never get on the air.

[865] Like, I think we really cut our teeth in field segments where we would travel around with a producer and a small crew and just like film and film and film.

[866] And so there was a mission to it.

[867] We're very mission -driven.

[868] And we would just be like, all right, this is what I have to get.

[869] This is what John wants us to get.

[870] We're going to go get this thing.

[871] But we always want to get extra stuff along the way.

[872] We're always just like trying to just like, just grab comedy, just like mine every situation.

[873] and filming so much.

[874] And then for me, and I know for Jason, too, we would just sit in the edits.

[875] And we would just sit in the edits and watch ourselves and go like, this could have been better.

[876] I missed this opportunity.

[877] What was I thinking here?

[878] Like how to pull all of that footage together to tell a story.

[879] Like we learned storytelling there.

[880] These are the things.

[881] Like I can only speak for myself and Jason, but this is what we took away.

[882] But, you know, as you're describing these duties, what's so obvious is like you had your own show within someone else's show.

[883] show.

[884] So when you're out on the road, you were kind of John Stewart for that segment.

[885] And what a great group of people to pull from people that have also put on their own show.

[886] Like, there you go.

[887] Yeah.

[888] And it was very instructive.

[889] Like, we learned a lot about just kind of like overall work ethic from him, but also how to control the storytelling.

[890] And like, this is the goal.

[891] This is what we want to say, like how to express yourself editorially within something.

[892] So we were always working kind of through his point of view and that was very firm, that's a big thing that I took away.

[893] I'm like, if your name is on something, you need to control the story that is being told.

[894] Like, you have to believe in the material.

[895] If you're putting your name on the thing, the thing is you.

[896] So you need to be a part of like every single tiny thing along the way to get there.

[897] Comedy, if nothing else, is a point of view.

[898] That's literally what you're hiring a comedian for is their point of view.

[899] So yes, if the show is John's Stewart, we're buying his comedic point of view.

[900] So everything that comes out has to somewhat be cohesive with that.

[901] Yeah.

[902] And I think that was really helpful to me because I once did, and this is not a slam on Oprah because I love Oprah.

[903] But like I did a thing for her once.

[904] I did this little bit for her show.

[905] And I don't actually even know if she watched it because I did learn that she didn't really watch the segments before they aired or even like maybe when they were airing.

[906] And I was like, wait a minute.

[907] Oprah didn't see my thing.

[908] And they were like, no. No. And I was like, what?

[909] I want So I'm so, like, always kind of in there.

[910] That's just the way it has to be.

[911] I was like, Aubrey doesn't see me do jokes with children?

[912] Are you sure?

[913] Tell her, it's very funny.

[914] She had to have had some reaction.

[915] No, even if she hated it, I'll take that, just something.

[916] I don't know.

[917] I think she was doing so many shows per day that you kind of, I do think, like, in order to do that many shows per day and per week and whatever, and it's an hour long, you'd never sleep.

[918] You would probably never rest if you were.

[919] were involved in every single decision and moment.

[920] Yeah, I think when you're her, it transitions from, okay, point of views established.

[921] Now I have to sustain.

[922] That becomes its own thing, which is as relevant as the other thing.

[923] Very wide landscape.

[924] That's a lot of airtime.

[925] That's a lot of minutes.

[926] Yeah.

[927] Now, I rewatch some of your interviews on the Daily Show this morning, and I was watching one with this Texas lawmaker who got another one of these abortion clinic, broom closet.

[928] regulations passed that then shut down another 30 and your approach was interesting and differed I think from some of the other approaches which is a lot of the approaches like I think the person being interviewed often didn't even know if the person agreed with them or not if that makes sense like right they might have not until they saw it later go like oh but you were very outwardly combative which I like and I recognize is something that's stressful even if you're like I'm comfortable with conflict but it still takes a toll on you it takes a toll on you that was one of the first pieces that we ever aired on full frontal i remember that guy really well i know what you mean like i don't hide my point of view anymore at all like i'm just like i'm all point of view that's all i can offer this world yeah but human nature like we're so designed to get along with a group and we recognize very quickly what would be a roadblock to that and then so to just drop like roadblock after roadblock.

[929] There is a physical, because again, I did it on punk.

[930] It's like, well, here's what no human should do.

[931] And that's the exact thing now I should do.

[932] And you're like, oh, I'm going to just get through this.

[933] But it is a very unique feeling, isn't it?

[934] It is totally unique.

[935] And I liken it to that feeling of like when you're driving and you're like, I should not speed up.

[936] And then you just pound the accelerator.

[937] Like you just like hit the gas and you go right through the wall.

[938] You're like, well, I got to get this.

[939] And I think it's like, as a Michigander, perhaps you bring this too.

[940] I'm like, I have a job to do.

[941] I got to do this job so that I can go home tonight.

[942] So let's just fucking do it.

[943] And you just hit the gas and you just go for it.

[944] Yeah.

[945] There's some ugly business that needs do.

[946] And the quicker I do it, the quicker I'll be out of here.

[947] And you're also, for me, I was always evaluating like, well, this will be very uncomfortable what I'm about to do.

[948] But not as uncomfortable is if I leave here and I didn't do the thing and I beat myself.

[949] up for six hours.

[950] So it's literally, I'm just choosing which thing is more painful and to be completely inappropriate in public is less painful.

[951] Yes.

[952] Getting the job done is a feeling of accomplishment.

[953] And also, you know, if you didn't get it today, you have to come back and ruin another day of yourself.

[954] Like, you have to give over another day to get this thing.

[955] When if you just did it once and you got it, it's all over and you can walk away.

[956] Did you ever have any segments where like you walked away feeling clean in that you knew you had maybe the moral high ground on the issue you left going like and also that person is like a really ill -informed victim of some other circumstance i guess what i'm asking is would you ever feel bad for people even though you vehemently disagreed with their stance on something oh definitely and there were lots and of times that like I don't do too much of that at full frontal and like I can't get people who don't agree with me to talk to me anymore like I don't even bother because they just hate me and they won't come on and I understand and I totally get it but we did a lot of that mostly that for a long time at the Daily Show was talking to someone who really really didn't agree with and not only were we talking to people that we didn't agree with we were talking with them for a long time like when you're filming with someone you're with them in their physical presence for a really long time, sometimes a full day.

[957] And you're a human being, like, you can still be curious about someone and you can still have conversations.

[958] I always could with people who I vehemently disagreed with.

[959] Yeah.

[960] And a lot of times people said things that were so much worse than what we actually aired.

[961] Right.

[962] Like you even protected some of these people, maybe.

[963] People I don't have any sympathy for, generally speaking.

[964] There's ill -informed people, but then there's ill -informed people or really ultra cynical or corrupt or just bad people who want to change the laws and make the world different for other people.

[965] And that's what I really object to.

[966] Yeah.

[967] If you're an ill -informed person or you just, whatever, there's a human connection that can be made.

[968] I really do believe that.

[969] Like, I have no issue.

[970] Be, go with God.

[971] I don't know what to do with you.

[972] I disagree with you.

[973] I don't know what to do with you.

[974] But it's really the people who are trying to bend the world to their personal will and trying to change our lives and make our lives worse.

[975] And those people I really just don't give a fuck.

[976] Yeah, sure, sure.

[977] But yeah, inevitably, like you say, you're in someone's office and then you notice, oh, they have a little girl and a little boy just like me. Oh, they maybe even went on the vacation at the same place.

[978] Oh, like all these little things seep in of like, oh yeah, and it's, this person's dead wrong.

[979] Dead wrong.

[980] And I do actually, and it would, it is surprising to people to know that we showed tremendous restraint a lot of the time in the edit, actually.

[981] Like, we were not out there to ruin people's lives or hurt them.

[982] But if they had a point of view that they were wanting to say in public, you know, we're part of a kind of a bargain together.

[983] Like, we're not forcing them to have this opinion that they're putting out in the world, that they want to stay on camera.

[984] So it's like finding a balance.

[985] And it could be perceived as an imbalance.

[986] But we were all agreed to be there on this day talking about this thing and this opinion that they were proud of and want to share.

[987] So there's that too.

[988] Like there's a compact there.

[989] Well, and in general, you're often interviewing someone that is in a position of power.

[990] So, I mean, you're kind of intrinsically punching up in those situations.

[991] More so.

[992] And I think that evolved over time.

[993] Like, I think a lot of daily show segments from the early years that I was there don't age well.

[994] Wouldn't look good now.

[995] Like, just don't exist.

[996] or just you can't find them, and that's probably a good, they can rest.

[997] Yeah, yeah, they were of an era.

[998] Of an era.

[999] Yeah.

[1000] And then punching upward became more the mandate of the show as time progressed, and I do appreciate that.

[1001] I do appreciate that.

[1002] Okay.

[1003] Now, after leaving The Daily Show, of course, you started full frontal, and that's in its sixth season, as we said, 21 Emmys, just bonkers.

[1004] Thank you.

[1005] When you went there, how did you, in your mind, go like, I'm going to do the thing I'm great at.

[1006] And I want it to be somewhat unique and not seeming too similar to daily show.

[1007] Like, did you wrestle with, how am I going to do this thing I've now, I'm now an expert at?

[1008] I've done for 10 ,000 hours.

[1009] And how do I make it still my own and novel?

[1010] I can't say that I was like, I'm going to be incredible at this.

[1011] Like, I can't.

[1012] Like, I wasn't like, it didn't feel like an expert.

[1013] I felt like, I don't know what this is.

[1014] Like, what are we doing?

[1015] Are we sure that this can work.

[1016] I definitely walked into it going, all right, well, let's make six really great episodes that we can use in the future to get other jobs because no one will let this show exist like past six.

[1017] Like if we get to three, that'll be a miracle.

[1018] And six is like a jewel box of a thing.

[1019] So let's just make like the show that we would so want to make.

[1020] Let's just make like every segment that we're like so fired up about.

[1021] And then we'll get canceled.

[1022] And then we'll go on to like, I don't know, right pilot.

[1023] or go do something else.

[1024] And it took.

[1025] It like hit it exactly the right moment.

[1026] So I didn't feel like an expert and I still kind of don't.

[1027] Like I definitely feel still a lot of, like fear.

[1028] I feel I'm nervous.

[1029] I like when we have a big episode go out.

[1030] Usually, I mean, I feel great.

[1031] I love the show.

[1032] I love the work that we all do.

[1033] But like there are times where I'm like, oh, we're releasing a special.

[1034] I hope people like it.

[1035] Oh, my God.

[1036] Do you think this is good?

[1037] Like, I feel fear.

[1038] I get nervous before shoots.

[1039] Like all of that is still fully intact.

[1040] I didn't really roll in going like, I got this.

[1041] I definitely rolled in going, I am pretending that I know what I am doing.

[1042] And that could also work.

[1043] Isn't that what people do?

[1044] And it did, right?

[1045] Like after the second episode, they ordered a full season.

[1046] Yes.

[1047] Yeah, it was great.

[1048] It was surprising and great.

[1049] And just it all kind of fell into place.

[1050] Do you think maybe that just the unavoidable fact that you were a female doing it, made it novel in itself and you didn't even have to worry about that.

[1051] That alone was novel, but I think it needed to be good.

[1052] Oh, I'm in no way suggesting it work because you're female.

[1053] I'm saying when you left and you did a show that you could say is similar to the daily show, you go, well, it's not a simple fact that no women are doing this.

[1054] It's actually funny because everyone was like so asking us to define how we would be different.

[1055] And we were like, I don't know.

[1056] Like, we couldn't do it.

[1057] We couldn't say, oh, it'll be so different because here are the things.

[1058] we're doing and here's we just kind of knew in our hearts that it would be different because we are women and because we see the world through a different lens so it's just coming at the material from a different perspective that has not really existed prior to this well that's what I'm saying yeah it's baked in like your point of view includes being female yeah it's inescapable inescapable what impact do you think having done often political driven work for now 18 years.

[1059] Politics became so front and center over the previous four years.

[1060] I ended up being very frustrated with it.

[1061] It was just like, how long can we talk about the same topic?

[1062] And it's self -perpetuating.

[1063] And the more you do it, the more you want to.

[1064] And I'm coming in terms with the fact that it actually warped my view of the whole thing.

[1065] Like, we just have Barry Meyer on And, you know, to learn that all the Trump dossier stuff was completely fake and funded by our side of the aisle and that we had a impeachment that was unjustified, it was a shock for me to go, wow, I lost my objectivity that bad, huh?

[1066] Like, I was like, for sure impeached this guy.

[1067] He's in bed with Russia.

[1068] I don't know.

[1069] Something about that spooked me a little bit.

[1070] Like, oh, I'm susceptible as well to just stop questioning things.

[1071] Well, I don't think that working in political comedy has made me less cynical.

[1072] Like, I mean, it kind of goes back to what we talked about before, which is, like, I don't just defer.

[1073] Like, I don't just give over respect to authority figures based on status or, like, the job that they have or anything like that.

[1074] I feel like, I don't know, it's difficult.

[1075] I guess in politics, it always feels like there's an existential crisis.

[1076] always no news cycles not got some very important thing and people were watching news just all day long and they were accepting this idea that politics really controls their life all the time now granted it does i don't want to underestimate the power of the decisions that are being made also i recognize that i'm not one of the minority groups that's my life's going to be made much more difficult and i'll also say your day -to -day life has nothing to fucking do with politics in general, yet we all made it our waking, breathing, thought processes, if we were politicians, and that was our pursuit in life, was the politics of this country.

[1077] And I just wonder if you have felt the burden of that or just having to be aware of all the battles at all time.

[1078] I know what it felt like to get sucked into it for four years, I guess is what I'm saying.

[1079] So when I think about being in it for 18 years, I just wonder if it's exhausting.

[1080] Yes.

[1081] The answer is yes.

[1082] The answer to your question.

[1083] The answer to your query is yes.

[1084] But I only do the show once a week.

[1085] And it still was really like doing a show like this during the Trump administration was great in a lot of ways.

[1086] But it was just being faced with having to be in the worst news cycles just constantly.

[1087] It was not fun.

[1088] We definitely felt a lot of distress.

[1089] I mean, We still work on a comedy TV show, so that's a privileged job and a privileged place to be.

[1090] So I don't deny that.

[1091] But it was hard to be funny a lot, a lot, a lot of the time.

[1092] And I'm actually so grateful to have a change.

[1093] I think what a lot of people could relate to and probably people on the right, who I'm happy to say a lot of people listen to the show are on the right.

[1094] And that's great.

[1095] They maybe now have clicked into what we had.

[1096] I don't know.

[1097] I would like to ask, but this obsession and knowing what tweet always came out, When it ended, I remember, like, the first two or three months of it being over going like, oh, my God, there's so much more space for everything else.

[1098] There's so much more space at dinner to talk about other things.

[1099] Like, it just was like a marching band that was in the backyard for four years.

[1100] And then it just ended.

[1101] There was just silence.

[1102] Yeah.

[1103] That's a great way to describe it because that's what it was like.

[1104] For me, it was like over two days, over a weekend where he got kicked off of social media.

[1105] and I felt like I was like wandering around in the forest a little bit.

[1106] I was like, what do I get mad?

[1107] What am I mad about?

[1108] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1109] Where's the fuel in my tank?

[1110] Yeah, yeah.

[1111] And then pretty quickly, I adjusted to a new, like, altitude.

[1112] I was like, oh, this is, this is much better.

[1113] And there's problems in the world.

[1114] There's things we need to talk about.

[1115] And now we can have space to talk about those things.

[1116] And then, of course, January 6th happened and all of that, and that is an ongoing concern.

[1117] But there's still more space to talk about all of the things that are happening and to talk about other things that are also happening and to sleep and maybe not wake up at 5 o 'clock in the morning, like so angry.

[1118] Yeah, I just don't know, globally speaking, if taking on concern over things that you ultimately have virtually no control over is just a great way to be existing.

[1119] Now, you actually are in the ring in a way, like you are providing commentary, so you actually have some outcome.

[1120] But just in general, all the same stuff's happening, right?

[1121] Like over the last eight months, seven months, the same stuff's happening.

[1122] Like Palestine and Israel, that's still happening.

[1123] 300 ,000 people at the border, still a crisis.

[1124] Inflation happening still.

[1125] But I don't care anymore.

[1126] Because it's not emanating from someone I despise.

[1127] So now it's just become a right -sized problem.

[1128] It's not like a personal.

[1129] It's like, yeah, that's an issue that needs fixing.

[1130] That's an issue that needs fixing.

[1131] There's not this emotional hurricane attached to it for me anymore.

[1132] And I could be unique in this.

[1133] No, yeah.

[1134] I mean, that's because Biden is not trying to create discourse.

[1135] And Trump was.

[1136] And it worked.

[1137] And now, yeah, there are, of course, still issues.

[1138] But the reason it feels more peaceful is because it's not coming.

[1139] from the top.

[1140] Like it was all on purpose.

[1141] Yeah, I just wonder if like Republicans I'm curious, maybe Republicans have the same feeling about 300 ,000 people at the borders I had about children in cages.

[1142] And just maybe how subjective our emotions are when we know the source, if we believe the source of these problems is benevolent, like I happen to think Biden is benevolent.

[1143] So these problems that are objectively big problems, I'm more forgiving of like, yeah, immigration is a tough motherfucker man you got 300 ,000 people that want to be here that's tough we got to figure that out it's not oh this fucking dip shit now he's got all he's got a third of a million people sitting on the border what the fuck's going to happen now like without the hatred towards someone the issue is the issue I don't know no I agree I think that's exactly right there's not the personal hatred is gone which makes right everything feel a little bit less emotional mm -hmm But I do wonder, do you think the right feels exactly how we felt?

[1144] No, I think they also feel less emotional.

[1145] Like, it wasn't just because they're on the right and we're on the left.

[1146] It's because there was a very purposeful output of bad, hateful energy.

[1147] Divisiveness.

[1148] Yeah.

[1149] I mean, I appreciate his absence.

[1150] That's all I'm going to say.

[1151] I appreciate his absence.

[1152] And there are so many issues remaining unanswered.

[1153] Like, it is unaddressed that everyone is trying to suppress votes.

[1154] That's all real.

[1155] They're trying to change all those laws, and that is all bad.

[1156] And so it's harder to make people engage with the things that they really need to be engaged with.

[1157] Now it's like civics.

[1158] Now it's like real, like actual like a civics lesson.

[1159] Like people should actually be a little bit more engaged with the process and understanding what is being taken away and what people are attempting to take away.

[1160] These are all like the little.

[1161] minutia, civic duty, kind of boring things that are happening, like, under the surface, that people should be paying attention to, and I think they are.

[1162] And it is nice to be able to focus on those things without, like, a literal human tornado.

[1163] So in chaos above our heads, like, just like a cloud of hail and, like, ice spears above our heads at all times, threatening to rain down hell.

[1164] Yeah.

[1165] That part is nice.

[1166] stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare when you're out of this line of work do you foresee a retirement where you never consume a ounce of political information or do you find that you'll be always interested in it and always engaged i always was interested in it so i'll always be interested in it i have found purpose in the little things that i can do and i love to do i love to do my civic engagements and stuff like that i love all that stuff but i also like, I'm a beekeeper and I do other stuff.

[1167] Like, I have a life outside of my work that I cherish, as you can see, from my personal surroundings.

[1168] So the one doesn't bleed into the other too much, except that I get a weird look on my face, apparently to my children when they know I have work coming up later in the day.

[1169] I can't believe you're a beekeeper.

[1170] I mean, that's so.

[1171] It's too much.

[1172] It's ridiculous.

[1173] Hold on a second.

[1174] Stop it.

[1175] Your last name's being you're a beekeeper?

[1176] Well, I do.

[1177] two hives now and a bear came and knocked them over and that was bad and then I had to put up a little electric fence to deter him yes speaking of detour detour it's a show you and your husband made for four seasons which is fantastic yes it's so funny you guys work well together I assume we do we do work well together we like each provide a different strength to the enterprise and that's good we kind of like fill in the gaps we share the burden in it in a really unique way i think it works it doesn't always work like sometimes we just totally disagree does it mirror how you parent generally i think like it mirrors how we were when we first got together which is like he would work and then i would work and then we were just always kind of like filling in that space just Just like the other is always there to kind of fill in the cracks.

[1178] Like what is lacking the other person provides.

[1179] That's our general way of working.

[1180] I'm so grateful that my wife has the same job because I can't really get away with too much shit.

[1181] Like I do imagine if you can feel so fucking important when you're the names on the show.

[1182] And if your spouse was a civilian, you could kind of believe your own shit.

[1183] But my wife would be like, yeah, I got two talk shows this week too.

[1184] Just fucking go pick out an outfit.

[1185] Like, I need that.

[1186] Right.

[1187] Yeah, no, no one respects me in this house.

[1188] It's very good.

[1189] Isn't that good?

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] Yeah, no one gives a shay yet.

[1192] You could see them, like, coming in and out.

[1193] Like, there's no reverence for anyone like job that either of us do.

[1194] We're just like, that's so great.

[1195] You have your name on a show.

[1196] Can you get some bananas?

[1197] Because we're out.

[1198] Got it.

[1199] Yeah.

[1200] Yeah, because you've been married for 20 years.

[1201] That's damn impressive.

[1202] Thank you.

[1203] How long have you been married?

[1204] I don't know.

[1205] We've been together for almost 14 years, and we've been married some period a little shorter than my daughter being born.

[1206] Okay.

[1207] Okay, now on your podcast, which is full release with Samantha B. That's it.

[1208] I listened to Padma.

[1209] Oh, you did.

[1210] She's a very engaging interview subject.

[1211] I like talking to her.

[1212] She's great.

[1213] Yeah, very, very smart, huh?

[1214] Yeah, very smart.

[1215] Yeah.

[1216] Do you watch The Crown?

[1217] No, I really.

[1218] don't.

[1219] I want to, but I can't stay awake.

[1220] Yeah, yeah.

[1221] It's not the fastest -paced program.

[1222] Monica loved it.

[1223] It's so good.

[1224] I've finally gotten into it.

[1225] I'm into it now.

[1226] It's great, but it's worth it.

[1227] It's pretty great.

[1228] Okay.

[1229] I take that point.

[1230] I take that point.

[1231] The slowness becomes fast.

[1232] I don't know how to explain that, but there's something about it that once you get past a point, the slowness is filled.

[1233] With tension.

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] Okay.

[1236] Yeah, no one's ever happy.

[1237] No one's ever happy.

[1238] Not once.

[1239] Not four years too late.

[1240] I'm always like five years later, I should watch Gamora, right?

[1241] Yeah.

[1242] But anyways, we watched an episode last night where Jackie Kennedy visits.

[1243] Oh.

[1244] And she is, the queen's all fucked up because Jackie is like beautiful.

[1245] She's a fashion icon.

[1246] Everyone she meets is like, she's so smart and well -spoken, way more than you'd think.

[1247] She's like mending peace deals around the world as they, to her.

[1248] She's like, bewitched the Russian leader and you know, whatever.

[1249] Right.

[1250] So yeah, Padma's a little bit like that.

[1251] It's like, oh, you're a supermodel.

[1252] That writes books.

[1253] That's a great chef that has your own show.

[1254] You're like, you're like, you really just want one thing to fall away.

[1255] You're like, oh, you're so beautiful, you're so smart.

[1256] You don't really know how to cook.

[1257] Oh, you do.

[1258] Oh, you're like, oh, you'd really write your own books.

[1259] Okay.

[1260] Yeah.

[1261] Oh, great.

[1262] We could be here just to talk about your looks as a model.

[1263] Or we could be here just to talk about your cooking.

[1264] She's so goddamn smart.

[1265] God damn smart.

[1266] Then she did an acting job.

[1267] I did a segment with her, a field piece about undocumented workers and how they are like the literal backbone of the food industry.

[1268] That's a real passion for her.

[1269] And so we did like a diners, drive -ins and dives thing.

[1270] And she was like, excellent in it.

[1271] I'm like, you're fine.

[1272] Excellent in this too.

[1273] And her kid was there.

[1274] I'm like, your kid is so cool.

[1275] Stop it.

[1276] Your kid's so cosmopolitic.

[1277] Yes.

[1278] Oh, God.

[1279] First of all, I thought there might be something in the fact that I'm a pervert.

[1280] Almost every joke I have, if given long enough to tell it, it'll turn perverted.

[1281] Okay.

[1282] And just the notion that your show's called Full Frontal and then your podcast is called Full Release, this seems like what I would name stuff.

[1283] I don't even know why.

[1284] I don't even know.

[1285] I'm not sure.

[1286] I never think about it.

[1287] And then sometimes people from other countries are like, this is very perverted.

[1288] Are you naked on your show?

[1289] I'm like, oh, yeah, right.

[1290] Oh, I forgot.

[1291] I forgot it was a pervy title.

[1292] That can't be an accident.

[1293] Yeah, well, I love it.

[1294] I just want to know, are you pervy?

[1295] Probably.

[1296] I think so.

[1297] Yeah, like, I think sex stuff is so funny.

[1298] I know it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but I just think it's so funny.

[1299] I think it's very funny.

[1300] And also, I think, like, I did a whole interview with Roxanne Gay the other day, which would be on the podcast soon.

[1301] And we ended up just talking about plumbing a lot because she's having issues in her house.

[1302] And I was like, what's going on with your house?

[1303] Like, tell me everything because I had a really bad plumbing.

[1304] So I don't know.

[1305] I love that stuff.

[1306] Listen, like, you totally interrogated my whole childhood here today.

[1307] I was not, I wasn't expecting that.

[1308] It's really fun.

[1309] Someone's agreed, basically.

[1310] As the host of a show, like, other people agree to let you be nosy.

[1311] Like, that's my dream.

[1312] Like, when you meet someone on an airplane, I'll say, are you returning home or are you on your way somewhere?

[1313] But what I want to say is, how much do you make a year?

[1314] Like, if I was allowed to ask the real question I would want to ask anyone, the first question I'd be like, how much money do you make?

[1315] Can I zillow your house?

[1316] Like, what's your address?

[1317] I don't want to go there.

[1318] I just want to look it up.

[1319] Right.

[1320] I have no interest in being there.

[1321] But I must know how much you spent on this house.

[1322] So in a weird way, like a podcast is like the expectation is, yeah, I'm going to ask you whatever the fuck I want to know about you.

[1323] and you're going to play ball.

[1324] Yeah, yeah, you're here.

[1325] It's just like working on The Daily Show.

[1326] We have a compact.

[1327] We've both agreed to be here.

[1328] Yes.

[1329] We agreed to have this, like, open conversation.

[1330] I love it.

[1331] Are you nosy?

[1332] I'm nosy as fuck.

[1333] I think I'm pretty nosy.

[1334] Yeah, I am.

[1335] Have you come to enjoy the adrenaline rush when it's like you are interviewing someone?

[1336] And at first it was fear like, oh, I got to say this thing.

[1337] Like, this whole thing lives and dies if I don't say.

[1338] Oh, and you don't have a. uterus though, right?

[1339] Is there also an accompanying little jolt of adrenaline?

[1340] I don't think I get that.

[1341] I don't think I get like a high from it.

[1342] I definitely think I'm more like an age old Catholic student, like a Catholic school girl who's like, check mark, went down my list.

[1343] Check, check, check, check, check, check.

[1344] Like gold star for me today.

[1345] Yay.

[1346] It's really much less cool.

[1347] okay I think the reason I get out of bed in the morning is to like take some big swings in public and see how they land and it's very stressful for people who are friends with me anytime there's like I'm meeting someone there's a different race going on I'll see if I can get in there and it's really high stakes and Monica always panics and then generally they go well yeah they go well what's it like going to arrest them what are you like when you're in a restaurant like when you when you're ordering from someone you don't bring up race to the waiters do you no but i'll give you a great example i'll give you a great example so my wife and i are hosting a game show right now we just filmed it last week one of the games is you have to jump up over this wall on trampoline and look at a big wall of celebrities and then describe them to your partner and this woman's partner was Kristen so she's jumping up on the thing and she gets Kevin Hart boom he's a short comedian blah blah blah and she ran through the the three black celebrities on the wall.

[1348] And my team was black that I was with.

[1349] And the contestant was black.

[1350] And she started bouncing after that third black person was gotten and it was just all white folks up there, I said to them, uh -oh, we're down to the white people.

[1351] And she does not know any of them.

[1352] Now that's the kind of swing I'll take.

[1353] And then they all started laughing really hard.

[1354] So I was like, oh, good.

[1355] Like, that is what's happening.

[1356] It's funny.

[1357] And it's worked.

[1358] But I guess that moment where I've decided, I'm going to say that, and I'm a little fearful, but I'm also a little excited.

[1359] That's what I'm kind of describing.

[1360] There's a part of you that kind of wants it to go wrong.

[1361] There's a small part of you that wants it to erupt into chaos.

[1362] Oh, maybe.

[1363] I don't know.

[1364] But I kind of live for those moments.

[1365] We're like, we all know what's going on here.

[1366] And if the white person wasn't here, we'd be saying it, so I'm going to say it.

[1367] That's what I mean when I say, like, race stuff.

[1368] You're an agent of chaos.

[1369] I think that's right.

[1370] I think that's right.

[1371] Right.

[1372] But you don't have that.

[1373] You don't have that?

[1374] No, I don't.

[1375] I don't have that.

[1376] Okay.

[1377] All right.

[1378] Because you're so fearless, like the shit you weighed into and the things you've said, I don't think I could.

[1379] It's nerdier to be like, I accomplished a task.

[1380] I was assigned a task and I did the task and I got an A plus.

[1381] I'm a good girl.

[1382] I'm a good girl.

[1383] I'm a good girl.

[1384] Right.

[1385] Pat on the back.

[1386] All right, my last question is, have you had a favorite guest on full release?

[1387] If I could only listen to one episode, who would you want me to listen to?

[1388] Oh, my God.

[1389] Oh, this is a good question.

[1390] This is a new episode, actually.

[1391] You know who I talked to?

[1392] Who I loved.

[1393] And this is, I don't know, surprising or not surprising, is Tim Gunn.

[1394] Oh.

[1395] Because I felt like we were really good friends.

[1396] He reminded me of so many people that were in my life.

[1397] And I felt so comfortable, you know, you meet someone sometimes and you're like, I know you're a famous person or whatever.

[1398] Should you just be friends now?

[1399] That's how I felt.

[1400] I was like, I feel like we just went out already.

[1401] Shouldn't we just make it physical to a place together?

[1402] Because we know each other really well.

[1403] It is a hazard of the job is that you meet people and sometimes you connect in this profound way and then you like exchange emails or whatever.

[1404] And then you also tell yourself like, I have.

[1405] two kids in a very busy life.

[1406] Like, I don't have time for 20 new friends, but certainly in a year of interviewing people, there are 20 people I desperately want to have relationships with afterwards.

[1407] Right.

[1408] I'm sure.

[1409] Yeah.

[1410] I don't even know because this is not like my entree to be like, Tim, gunned, call me. We should go out.

[1411] But like, I wonder if I did that if he would be like, oh my God, I was just promoting my new show.

[1412] Like, I don't do press or these things for the good of my own health.

[1413] Like, I'm not really in the market.

[1414] I'm actually good.

[1415] I've built this whole life.

[1416] It's kind of, yeah, moving down the train tracks.

[1417] I've been doing this for a while.

[1418] So, well, maybe this will get back to him.

[1419] Maybe.

[1420] And we'll get an answer.

[1421] Maybe.

[1422] Maybe.

[1423] Oh, my gosh.

[1424] If you and Tim gone our best friends the next time we interview you.

[1425] Oh, my God.

[1426] In a year from now, I'm like, Tim and I are vacationing.

[1427] Tim's here in Maine.

[1428] He's like on the other side of the cabin.

[1429] No, he's coming in and out for towels.

[1430] He'll pop in, yeah, just like the rest of us.

[1431] He'll pop in for a towel.

[1432] in a speedo.

[1433] Yeah, do you have any bug spray?

[1434] He'll ask.

[1435] Can you put this on my back?

[1436] Can you get the after bite?

[1437] I got a bite on my back.

[1438] After bite.

[1439] You really are in Maine in the woods.

[1440] That's a product we don't even know about afterbite.

[1441] So in Maine.

[1442] Afterbite.

[1443] A main deep cut.

[1444] Really good.

[1445] Well, Samantha, we adore you.

[1446] And I want everyone to listen to full release with Samantha B. And I also want everyone to watch not being at home.

[1447] Last thing I'll say is you in my.

[1448] Monica shares something that you probably likely don't know about one another, which is you're both terrible on a bicycle.

[1449] So congratulations.

[1450] I don't want to be known for that, but yeah.

[1451] Just not enough practice.

[1452] I get it.

[1453] I get it.

[1454] I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was 18.

[1455] Wow.

[1456] I bought a bike because I was like, I have to learn how to ride a bike.

[1457] So I bought an expensive bike at 18.

[1458] I spent all my money.

[1459] I went into debt.

[1460] I put it on a credit card and I was like, I'm taking this to a parking lot.

[1461] at 5 o 'clock in the morning, and I'm going to teach myself how to ride a bike like a normal person.

[1462] And I did.

[1463] Good for you.

[1464] So anytime I get on one, I feel great.

[1465] That feels analogous to chicken pox when you're a kid is not lethal, generally.

[1466] Right.

[1467] But it can be lethal as an adult.

[1468] I feel like learning to ride a bike at 18 is downright dangerous.

[1469] Because like when you're falling at 18, you've got some mass. You have mass. You hit hard.

[1470] You hit hard.

[1471] You scrape.

[1472] It's real.

[1473] You're not rubber bandy anymore.

[1474] Yeah, no, no, no. Did you get fucked up in that process of learning so late?

[1475] I got pretty fucked up, but then I rode my bike, like, consistently for 10 years.

[1476] And then I wrote it everywhere, and then I stopped doing that.

[1477] And now I'm just like, like a creaky, like a clock.

[1478] It's like a bear riding a bike now.

[1479] They shouldn't do it.

[1480] It shouldn't happen.

[1481] We almost lost Monica.

[1482] She went on a girl's trip.

[1483] Everyone's like, oh, let's ride bikes to drink wine.

[1484] It seems so fun.

[1485] Oh, no. And I had some hesitation, but then I thought we aren't really going to do that.

[1486] I'm sure we'll just walk to get wine.

[1487] That's made up.

[1488] No one's going to, exactly.

[1489] That's made up.

[1490] And then they're like, let's meet at the bike area to pick up the bikes.

[1491] Bike rack.

[1492] Guess I should say, I don't know if I can ride a bike.

[1493] I haven't ridden one since I was 10 years old.

[1494] So I don't know.

[1495] And everyone's like, you can do it.

[1496] You can do it.

[1497] Peer pressure.

[1498] Yeah, which I normally don't get peer pressured.

[1499] But I was 50 % right and they were 50 % right.

[1500] I could do it, but I had some very close.

[1501] She ran into a bush, like rode right into a bush.

[1502] Well, I rode up a bush, which I was told was actually extra impressive.

[1503] So I take that compliment to heart.

[1504] I think that is impressive.

[1505] Were you scraped?

[1506] No, I didn't fall over.

[1507] I just went up on a bush.

[1508] Collided.

[1509] Went up on a bush.

[1510] It was a nightmare.

[1511] I parked on a bush.

[1512] It's fine.

[1513] Yeah, I parked.

[1514] Exactly.

[1515] And you know, it's funny is I didn't know they went out to get wine.

[1516] That wasn't part of the story.

[1517] The story was terrible job.

[1518] riding the bike there, then I was much better on the way back.

[1519] No, that's the opposite.

[1520] On the way there was fine.

[1521] Oh, that's right.

[1522] And I said, right.

[1523] And I said, well, that's because you were probably tipsy on the way back and not scared anymore and just kind of pushing it.

[1524] Which I think might have been true.

[1525] Oh, my God.

[1526] I would have been so sweaty just when they're like, meet us at the bike racks.

[1527] I would have been like, this, I thought this was a made up part.

[1528] I didn't think that was real.

[1529] I know.

[1530] They needed it for the montage of their.

[1531] The girls' trip.

[1532] And at one point, some of them didn't want to wear helmets.

[1533] And I was like, guys, we're taking things way to.

[1534] Like, no, we're not children.

[1535] Well, thanks for learning about that.

[1536] If you had a connection, just don't suggest bike riding.

[1537] I guess that's the point of all that.

[1538] I will not.

[1539] I'm not going to be able to go right to the wine drinking.

[1540] Exactly.

[1541] That's much more comfortable there.

[1542] All right, Samantha, good luck with everything.

[1543] Thank you so much.

[1544] Stay warrior -like in your confrontations.

[1545] It's very, very admirable.

[1546] It's brave.

[1547] even if it's for a checkmark.

[1548] Yep, check marks.

[1549] Okay, all right, thank you.

[1550] Enjoy the rest of your day in Maine.

[1551] Thank you.

[1552] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1553] Remind me of what this portion of the show is?

[1554] This is the part where I take you to task.

[1555] I put you in school.

[1556] Okay.

[1557] And fix your facts.

[1558] Do you say tisk, tisk?

[1559] Do you spell T -S -K -T -S -K?

[1560] or T -I -S -K, T -I -S -K.

[1561] I would probably go T -I -S -K, but again, I'm quite a bit older than everyone.

[1562] So everyone's abbreviating everything, and I am sometimes I'm spending 10 minutes thinking about it on my own until I throw in the towel and Google it.

[1563] What did you spell the other day that I was shocked?

[1564] Was it corduroy?

[1565] Yep, corduroy.

[1566] Yeah.

[1567] Great job.

[1568] Yeah, because I want to make corduroy hats.

[1569] That's right.

[1570] And you were really shocked I had spelled it right in the text.

[1571] It was a group text with you and Wabiwob.

[1572] Yes, because then I started to respond with Corderoi, and I was like, huh, this is hard to spell.

[1573] I'm shocked, Dax did it?

[1574] And then you said that, and I said, oh, I'm using voice dictation.

[1575] That's right.

[1576] But I just remember what I got it confused with, and I didn't even tell you about this.

[1577] You text me icicle.

[1578] Icicle.

[1579] And I was like, that is how you spell icicle.

[1580] It's one word.

[1581] There's no S -I -C -L -E in it.

[1582] Oh, you thought it was E -Y -E space S -C -I -C -L -E?

[1583] I thought it was I -C -E, then S -I -C -K -L -E, I -S -C -C -L -E, I -S -C -C -L -E, I -S -C -C -L -E, I did.

[1584] And then I'm confused how it's one word, and sickle's not really spelled the same as sickle any longer when it's a compound word.

[1585] That's right.

[1586] It's a different word altogether.

[1587] It is.

[1588] It's an icicle.

[1589] So it's not an ice -sic -E.

[1590] Well, icicle.

[1591] Yeah, I mean, it's, it is like a sickle.

[1592] Hold on.

[1593] What if I spelled it wrong?

[1594] No, no, I'm sure it's spelled that way.

[1595] I'm just, but I still think it's the compound word icicle, but when you put those together, it turns into a totally different spelling.

[1596] Yeah, it's right.

[1597] Well, I hope I spelled it right.

[1598] Well, how'd you spell it?

[1599] I don't remember, but it is spelled ICICLE.

[1600] Yeah, no way.

[1601] No way.

[1602] I didn't even know what that word said.

[1603] Isselessly?

[1604] Oh, this is amazing.

[1605] I love learning stuff at our age.

[1606] I do too.

[1607] It reminds me of, I've said it on here before, but learning that egg corn was acorn.

[1608] Yeah.

[1609] Yeah, but you were a young lad when you learned that, and now you're a big old boy.

[1610] No, I was like in my 20s when I learned an acorn.

[1611] Yeah, yeah.

[1612] They look just, they're the shape of eggs.

[1613] They really do.

[1614] They do.

[1615] And everyone's like, oh, grab some eggorns.

[1616] And you're like, why would it be called an acorn?

[1617] That makes zero sense.

[1618] Sure, except that it's because it's an acorn.

[1619] I know, but I don't know, man. It's a corn.

[1620] It's a corn, but not a corn, it's a corn.

[1621] Okay.

[1622] This is brand new information.

[1623] And if you remember the other two confusions in my little social circle was Aaron thought the term silent but deadly was silent bedelie was silent.

[1624] Badeleys.

[1625] Right.

[1626] Badellies.

[1627] So those were Badele's.

[1628] And then my friend Dean thought that the J. Giles band was the Jake Isles band, like, Islands.

[1629] Yeah.

[1630] I don't know Jake Giles band, so that was not as fun for me. Right.

[1631] The Silent Badeleys is great.

[1632] Yeah.

[1633] And it's so Aaron do have thought it was.

[1634] Bedele is such a cute.

[1635] It makes it so cute.

[1636] It really is.

[1637] It's a silent Badele.

[1638] Oh, did you get a whiff of my Badele?

[1639] Yeah, but deli is so cute.

[1640] What is it?

[1641] A Belgium deli.

[1642] Speaking of our old age, it's my birthday.

[1643] Happy birthday.

[1644] Thank you.

[1645] Yeah.

[1646] I mean, it's not her birthday when you're listening to this.

[1647] No, my birthday would have been two days ago.

[1648] I don't know that people understand that we time travel to do the show.

[1649] I think that's probably where the confusion often lies.

[1650] Oh, shoot.

[1651] We should be telling people.

[1652] Right, because we're going to talk with this guest on Thursday.

[1653] But we're currently in Tuesday.

[1654] That's right.

[1655] On your birthday.

[1656] That's right.

[1657] Happy birthday.

[1658] It's really fun to hop around the timescape.

[1659] It really is.

[1660] It's a beautiful scape.

[1661] Okay, now what if landscape was spelled?

[1662] Uh -oh.

[1663] L -A -N -D.

[1664] Mm -hmm.

[1665] Y -X -L -G.

[1666] Oh, okay.

[1667] Here it is.

[1668] Okay.

[1669] L -A -N -D, C -I -C -A -P -E.

[1670] Landscape.

[1671] That's what I sickle.

[1672] Okay.

[1673] Those would, those seem identical to me. Now, do you think the shape of an icicle is a sickle shape?

[1674] Yes, yes.

[1675] Yes.

[1676] I think it's a sickle.

[1677] Okay.

[1678] It's not.

[1679] Are you sure?

[1680] Yeah.

[1681] Like a sickle shape is more curved.

[1682] The grim reaper's like cartoonish one.

[1683] Think of a sickle cell.

[1684] It's curved.

[1685] That's right.

[1686] Yeah.

[1687] And so our icicles are.

[1688] Well, they're girthy on top and real narrow.

[1689] Very pointy.

[1690] Yes, very point.

[1691] The ultimate point.

[1692] They're a death trap.

[1693] Their nature's pointer.

[1694] You didn't really have a lot of hands -on experience with icicles, did you as a kid?

[1695] This is what's almost the most annoying about it.

[1696] I've actually had a lot of intimate experience with Isisks and I don't even know what they are.

[1697] You have the right to know how to spell them.

[1698] This is my culture.

[1699] Like, you don't understand my story here because, like, there were times where you were standing under a, like, a little awning in a humongous icicle with, like, Go right past your friend's head and land on the ground.

[1700] You're like, oh, I almost watch your head get split open.

[1701] That happened in The Lovely Bones, the book and movie.

[1702] Oh, really?

[1703] Very popular book from maybe, my guess is 2000.

[1704] Okay, really trusted.

[1705] Young, young girl gets killed by an ice school.

[1706] Oh, she does?

[1707] Oh, not really appropriate.

[1708] I was hoping that was the button.

[1709] Have we already covered this?

[1710] that we have a new recording device and it comes with four sounds and we never have used it man did i nail that one because you said a very sad sad thing and i said oh my god you want to do it again will you what do you mind really very young girl like so young uh gets murdered by an icicle all right let's try another one oh jesus oh god oh my god hold on hold on i've lost control of the instrument now when you have to listen to it's still going hold on it's over it's over it's I'm so sorry.

[1711] I'm so sorry.

[1712] Just do it one more time, please.

[1713] I know never to hit A, corn again.

[1714] It's crazy because the girl in the book, she's really young, and she gets murdered by an icicle.

[1715] I mean, that's virtually the same thing as the applause, but that one's felt even.

[1716] All of it's really bad.

[1717] I know.

[1718] But you know what's funny is when you read it in the court transcript, all that you ever said was something sincere.

[1719] Like, what are they going to describe that noise in the court transcript?

[1720] I hope we never have to go to court over this.

[1721] I wonder if there is a way to, like, dance around getting canceled, but not.

[1722] Like, so we actually never said anything, but maybe someone came in here and they said, you know, wait, hold on.

[1723] Don't press the long one again.

[1724] I'm never going to push A again, unless I'm in a major emergency.

[1725] Like, I can't think of what to say, and I need 20 seconds to gather my thoughts.

[1726] I'm going to hit A. Okay, so this, we have a gas.

[1727] and they go, I believe in equal pay for men and women.

[1728] And then I did that.

[1729] Yeah.

[1730] And then they would say, you're canceled.

[1731] Right.

[1732] But then in the article describing why I got canceled, they would be saying I got canceled for being a misogynist, but then I didn't say anything.

[1733] This is abstract.

[1734] I would corroborate.

[1735] That I should get canceled.

[1736] Yeah.

[1737] Okay.

[1738] So, so be careful.

[1739] Okay.

[1740] Okay, I just looked it up.

[1741] Lovely Bones was in 2002.

[1742] Oh, is that the movie that launched the career of Jennifer Lawrence?

[1743] No. That was Winter's Bowens.

[1744] Winners' Ball.

[1745] It was great movie.

[1746] Really good movie.

[1747] I'm going to have to take that away from me. Okay.

[1748] Okay.

[1749] I had my phone.

[1750] The book was 2002.

[1751] I'm just making that movie.

[1752] Okay.

[1753] Anyway, it is my birthday.

[1754] Mm -hmm.

[1755] Big day.

[1756] 34 years old, 34 years young.

[1757] I feel good about it.

[1758] Yeah.

[1759] I'm really trying, I've decided.

[1760] It's going to sound so lame when I say it.

[1761] People are going to be cringe when I do it.

[1762] But I think I'm going to start saying 46 years young.

[1763] No. No. Well, here's why.

[1764] You're not doing that.

[1765] Hold on a second.

[1766] Hold on.

[1767] Listen to me. This is important.

[1768] Because we believe that we believe the story we tell.

[1769] So if I say I'm 46 years old, then I'm going to believe that.

[1770] But if I say I'm 46 years young, I focus on the fact that I'm quite young.

[1771] When I'm 67, I'll be pissed.

[1772] I didn't feel young at 46.

[1773] So I got to do something about that.

[1774] I want to appreciate every moment of youth I currently have because I'm 46 years youth.

[1775] No. Is that better than young?

[1776] No. Listen.

[1777] This is coming from the person who feels that.

[1778] that it's a lot to ask of people to like change their verbiage around politically correct words.

[1779] Yep, that's right.

[1780] And yet, you are saying that what you say has an impact on the way you feel.

[1781] On you.

[1782] So let's be clear.

[1783] I'm not asking anyone in America to start referring to me as 46 years young, But I'm going to refer to myself as 46 years young because I'm living my story I'm creating not a stranger's.

[1784] Pretty good defense?

[1785] That was pretty good defense.

[1786] Yeah, but also just do the right thing.

[1787] Okay, just like Spike Lee said it best.

[1788] Yeah.

[1789] Do the right thing.

[1790] Nike, just do it.

[1791] Yes.

[1792] And I'm never going to let you call yourself that.

[1793] 46 years youth?

[1794] Who?

[1795] 46 years why?

[1796] That's actually better because at least I don't know what that means.

[1797] Yeah.

[1798] It's like an abstract thing.

[1799] What if I just said I'm only 46?

[1800] Yeah, that's fine.

[1801] Oh, okay, that passed.

[1802] Yeah, I'm fine with that.

[1803] See, you wanted to throw in the towel like five minutes ago, but here we've come out somewhere productive.

[1804] And I've got marching orders.

[1805] I'm going to say I'm only 40.

[1806] Boy, I almost did the wrong one.

[1807] I'm only 46 years young.

[1808] I'm leaving.

[1809] I'm leaving on my birthday.

[1810] Have I ruined your birthday?

[1811] Okay.

[1812] But you don't really give you.

[1813] Not that I've noticed.

[1814] You don't really freak about your age that I've noticed.

[1815] I don't.

[1816] Yeah, it's great.

[1817] And I maybe should, biologically speaking, tic -tick, tisk, tis.

[1818] This is how it all started.

[1819] I'm asking dingles for you to freeze your eggs and to let armchair expert pay for them.

[1820] Well, I'm not doing that, but I am going to freeze them.

[1821] I have to figure out.

[1822] Whose freezer?

[1823] My freezer is pretty small.

[1824] Yeah, and your eggs are huge.

[1825] Notoriously.

[1826] Yeah, notoriously.

[1827] Well, it runs in the family.

[1828] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1829] Yeah.

[1830] What a poor Norma was at work and a co -worker said, I heard your eggs are inordinately large.

[1831] Luckily, she's retired.

[1832] That was a bad example.

[1833] Well, she's at the mall.

[1834] Definitely at an outdoor mall right now.

[1835] Oh, I hope she is.

[1836] Yeah.

[1837] I love an outdoor mall.

[1838] Sniffing around for a cafeteria.

[1839] Aw.

[1840] She's living her best life if she does that.

[1841] I'm so happy she retired.

[1842] Yeah, she's so happy she retired.

[1843] She did not.

[1844] Well, hold on.

[1845] Well, no, it working's a beating.

[1846] Yeah.

[1847] We're not working.

[1848] No, no, I'm very aware of that.

[1849] Yeah.

[1850] I get more aware when I'm around people like her.

[1851] It's like, oof, that's tough.

[1852] Oh, how about, oh, you're not watching it.

[1853] But were you to check out this small town news documentary on HBO?

[1854] Oh, I want to watch that, yeah.

[1855] It's like six parts.

[1856] It's not a barn burner, but the subtle, I mean, it's the office, but it's real.

[1857] Yeah.

[1858] And it's the premises, it's.

[1859] not the premise.

[1860] The reality is there is very few independently owned and operated TV stations left in the country.

[1861] I think 99 they said or something, but this is one in Perump, Nevada, and it is a dude owns it.

[1862] I mean, they are wall to wall.

[1863] They have content.

[1864] It's incredible.

[1865] What made me start going down that avenue we were talking about?

[1866] We're working, working.

[1867] Oh, my God.

[1868] Okay.

[1869] So the news anchor, the main news anchor, who is the best character I think I've seen as a real -life character.

[1870] She's so fucking awesome.

[1871] It's crazy.

[1872] She's older.

[1873] She's really gruff.

[1874] She calls it like she sees it.

[1875] And she organizes in town the Halloween drive -through trick -or -tree.

[1876] She, like, is doing the work.

[1877] She's like a good person.

[1878] And I think it's afforded her this right to just be crass, which I really love.

[1879] Anyways, she is the on -air news anchor.

[1880] she also shoots her pieces she also edits her pieces she's also the um like head of hr so she's managing the whole staff she has like six enormous jobs and i'm watching this woman and she's older than us and she's doing it and i'm going you have got it made not you me i'm watching it thinking dax you have got it made never at any point while i was acting in something was i responsible for loading the camera with film.

[1881] All of this is legit.

[1882] But I'm thinking more of like, at least that person is doing something she is invested in.

[1883] She likes, you know, like she.

[1884] She has ownership over it.

[1885] And she probably likes reporting, would be my guess.

[1886] That's not an easy job.

[1887] That's not even obvious.

[1888] That's not clear.

[1889] She's like I almost feel like she's just providing service.

[1890] It's very interesting.

[1891] Interesting.

[1892] Well, anyway, I just feel grateful for our job.

[1893] I realized something while you were just talking.

[1894] Of course.

[1895] You do a lot of thinking while I'm talking, which you're admitting to more or more on the show.

[1896] Listen, it was based on something you said.

[1897] I just didn't interrupt you.

[1898] You're welcome.

[1899] That's a novel.

[1900] Don't insult me on my birthday.

[1901] I would never.

[1902] You said egg just now because you said, oh, you were like, forgot where you were talking.

[1903] And then you're like, what was I saying?

[1904] Oh, L .A. Oh, big egg.

[1905] But you say egg.

[1906] Okay.

[1907] And that, to me, makes so much more sense.

[1908] Oh, with my acorn?

[1909] Exactly.

[1910] Because you say egg.

[1911] I don't.

[1912] I say egg.

[1913] Ew.

[1914] Don't puk on it.

[1915] Stop.

[1916] I say how you should say, phonetically, egg.

[1917] And I say eggs.

[1918] Let's get some eggs.

[1919] It's an egg.

[1920] That's a little more what you, it's a little more close to mine, but you often say egg.

[1921] Okay.

[1922] Say it again.

[1923] Egg.

[1924] Egg.

[1925] I like overzee eggs.

[1926] I like overzee eggs.

[1927] Well, I guess what I'm here to say is that your blunder has a little bit more validity behind it because of your pronunciation.

[1928] Because of my speech impeachment.

[1929] That's right.

[1930] Yes.

[1931] I actually think it's a regional thing.

[1932] I think certain areas of the country say egg and great parts of the country say egg.

[1933] Great parts of the country say.

[1934] Oh, boy.

[1935] It's stressful when I lean down to do that because, A, I got to do it really quick so you don't stop me. And then there's four buttons and it's upside down.

[1936] So I'm praying I'm hitting that one.

[1937] Oh, my God.

[1938] Great job.

[1939] A lot of stress.

[1940] Courage under fire, though.

[1941] Kind of like that lady.

[1942] And promp.

[1943] Yes.

[1944] Oh, my God.

[1945] You would love her.

[1946] She's such a boss.

[1947] Okay.

[1948] Also, ding, ding, ding.

[1949] Speaking of a boss.

[1950] Speaking of someone who does all her shit, Samantha.

[1951] be.

[1952] Oh, no kidding.

[1953] My God, that was an obvious thing thing.

[1954] Beautiful segue.

[1955] Okay.

[1956] What is the origin of the game, Othello?

[1957] Othello?

[1958] Oh, my God.

[1959] There's people from great parts of the country called Othello.

[1960] They do.

[1961] Othello loved eggs.

[1962] Okay.

[1963] It comes from the game Reverse.

[1964] Reversy.

[1965] I think, oh, shit, I just don't know.

[1966] R -E -V -E -R -S -I.

[1967] I would say Reversy.

[1968] Strategy board game, two players, played on an 8 -by -8 unchecked board, invented in 1883.

[1969] Oh, boy.

[1970] That's reversy.

[1971] Othello, a variant with a change to the board's initial setup, was patented in 1971.

[1972] You know what I just realized?

[1973] I'm a timist.

[1974] Because my assumption, when you tell me a board game was invented in 1880, is that it fucking sucks.

[1975] It was so boring.

[1976] Oh, no. Yeah, I was like, oh, 8 by 8.

[1977] So I'm in my head, I'm starting to model out this thing.

[1978] you just described.

[1979] And then you said 1880, and I'm like, oh, this is a fucking piece of cardboard.

[1980] Oh, wow.

[1981] Yeah.

[1982] So I guess I'm a timist.

[1983] You are.

[1984] But chess, obviously, is very old.

[1985] And that's a superior game.

[1986] When was chess?

[1987] Sixth century AD.

[1988] Yeah.

[1989] Yeah, so what happens with my timist is once you go below the ninth century, I then get, I fetishize it.

[1990] Right?

[1991] So I'm like, oh, the classic.

[1992] liberal arts education Oh boy You're right Community College Self -improvement You know what I'm saying The classics Greece Humanities Social sciences Well -rounded liberal arts Oh my God Press that A Press that egg Glad we got to the bottom of that Bkeepers are called Hold on hold on Just don't say anything.

[1993] Please.

[1994] Please try to not say, no, no, don't press that button.

[1995] Do not press that button, Dax.

[1996] Don't.

[1997] Don't do it.

[1998] What the, hold on one second.

[1999] I'm not going to do it because you've forbade me from doing it.

[2000] I'm not going to.

[2001] What if there was a fifth button you didn't know about?

[2002] Hold on a second.

[2003] And I hit it and it was fucking happy birthday.

[2004] Would it have been worth it at that point?

[2005] If I per -bate, okay.

[2006] I just need to know there's still like we have a higher calling.

[2007] A -purist.

[2008] A -purist.

[2009] That's what a beekeeper is called.

[2010] Oh, egg purist?

[2011] No. This is off the rails on my birthday.

[2012] And sometimes called apiculturist.

[2013] Oh, man. That was way too perfect.

[2014] A purchase?

[2015] What was it?

[2016] No, don't.

[2017] This is...

[2018] I can't remember.

[2019] Okay.

[2020] Apaya.

[2021] Okay.

[2022] How long have you and Kristen been married?

[2023] And this is a fact, so you've got to get it right.

[2024] Well, here's the ish.

[2025] So, in general, you already know this about us.

[2026] I don't know why I'm telling you.

[2027] We don't know.

[2028] Like we don't...

[2029] Why?

[2030] You can easily know.

[2031] Like when people say how long have you been together or...

[2032] Not together.

[2033] I know.

[2034] I know.

[2035] I'm trying to be honest with you.

[2036] so we always prefer to say how long we are together because we weren't married for a lot of the time we were together and we had held off on getting married as this why are you shaking your head this is part of your time this situation no listen yeah because you're afraid to say the real amount of time and you want it to be along i'm going to tell you but but we had we were engaged for two years waiting for doma to get overturned yeah so in my mind like that's when we got married in essence when i asked her to marry me because we were engaged for two years waiting yeah that's not how it works that's why we don't but i'm telling you that's why we don't care about the number because literally we got i can tell you when we got married because we got married the day after domo was overstruck and lincoln is eight and a half yeah so eight years eight years fuck i get confused from when we met and versus when we got married originally published 1996 defense of marriage act was it overturned 2013 June okay so I guess we just had a couple months ago our eight -year anniversary but neither of us knew that great yeah this is great this is great news now we know and I know you like to measure it by a different standard because of your time is issue but the people want to know how long you've been legally wet legally web eight years.

[2037] Eight years.

[2038] In two months.

[2039] Happy birthday.

[2040] Although it's confusing because it was in the fall.

[2041] Yeah.

[2042] Well, you know what's confusing about it is there's the picture of me holding Lincoln.

[2043] Oh, yeah.

[2044] And we're in Griffith Park, and those trees had turned.

[2045] So those did have falling leaves.

[2046] So it looks like the fall.

[2047] Yeah, I think you got married in the fall.

[2048] So maybe you waited a month or two.

[2049] No. Oh.

[2050] Well, this can't be wrong.

[2051] But wait, why do you think it was in the fall?

[2052] because of that picture, right?

[2053] I think you got married in the fall because there's Halloween stuff at the courthouse, right?

[2054] Oh, there is.

[2055] I think so.

[2056] Oh, my gosh.

[2057] Yeah.

[2058] Oh, man. Well, this was useless, so I don't know.

[2059] Well, it was still that time probably.

[2060] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2061] And look, I'm holding Lincoln in one hand in the wedding day photo.

[2062] So she was really, she was really little.

[2063] Yeah, she was like six months or younger.

[2064] I babysat that day.

[2065] you did no I'm sorry the day before oh the day before she said we're getting married tomorrow but then the funny part is we had to get her married in the morning because she had to go fuck Ryan Hanson in the evening in a scene in a scene yeah in Veronica Mars be clear not in Veronica Mars in House of Lies I think oh I'm pretty sure I don't know she's not yeah she never she never fucked Ryan in Veronica Mars those characters never toss tisle Tissled.

[2066] Oh, fuck, okay.

[2067] I don't know.

[2068] You're right.

[2069] Probably on House of Lies.

[2070] I know, thanks.

[2071] I haven't seen either of those shows, so I don't know.

[2072] You didn't see Veronica Mars?

[2073] Of course I did.

[2074] Oh.

[2075] I've seen both the shows.

[2076] That shows great.

[2077] Oh, okay.

[2078] So Laura has, you know, told me in these facts, something that's really important.

[2079] Uh -oh.

[2080] We talked about my bike accident.

[2081] And Laura says, it's worth explaining that you didn't just ride up on a random bush.

[2082] You took a turn that was.

[2083] too sharp so you went up the curb into a bush it makes you sound like a better bike rider and is the truth oh okay she's looking out for me so i guess in the retelling she interpreted as we were saying you drove directly into a bush yeah okay and that's not what happened at all you took a sounds like it took a turn too sharply well i was buoyed by my wine and i got cocky until the last minute okay and then it just occurred to you today or within the last few days that potentially you can't, oh no. You can't swim.

[2084] Starting to cross your mind that swimming might be in the bike category and you don't want to find out the hard way.

[2085] So we've decided that your next swimming, I'm going to be present.

[2086] You're going to see if you can still swim.

[2087] Okay, because I obviously know how to swim.

[2088] I've swam many a time.

[2089] But I have not swam in, again, kind of like bike riding years.

[2090] Like I don't jump in the pool.

[2091] I just sit by the pool or like sit in the pool.

[2092] But I'm not swimming around or jumping in.

[2093] You marinate.

[2094] Yes.

[2095] You know, your pool is now ready.

[2096] Yes, right.

[2097] We're using the pool.

[2098] You're using your pool.

[2099] It's lovely.

[2100] It's gorgeous.

[2101] And I asked you the other day, how deep is it?

[2102] How deep is the deep end?

[2103] And you said, six feet.

[2104] It's a pretty shallow pool.

[2105] And I said, oh, well, I could still drown in that.

[2106] And then...

[2107] It sounded like something a child would say, but go ahead.

[2108] I said it as a joke, but then I started thinking like, man, that's maybe I can still drown in that.

[2109] Oh, boy.

[2110] And do I know how to not drown?

[2111] Right.

[2112] I think I do, but I can't be sure until I try.

[2113] We need to actually...

[2114] I am, but like, when I'm talking about this, I'm a little nervous.

[2115] I know.

[2116] I'm saying we actually need to...

[2117] I don't want to jump in.

[2118] You're going to have to be, hold on a second, hold on a second.

[2119] I'm scared.

[2120] Okay, I'm being serious now.

[2121] You too.

[2122] It's your birthday.

[2123] It's the day we're celebrating the fact that you're here.

[2124] And what I don't want to happen is you to find out you can't swim when you fall into a lake on one of our vacations.

[2125] So we need to just double check that you can swim in the pool where I can easily rescue you because my head's way above water.

[2126] Can't you rescue me if I'm in fell off on the lake?

[2127] Oh my God, you can't?

[2128] Well, I'm not going to be there always.

[2129] But in this, no, not every time you're by a lake, can I commit to being there?

[2130] What I'm saying is we could definitely take a swim in the pool and just make sure that you're all up to safety, right?

[2131] All up to code.

[2132] I'm scared.

[2133] My God.

[2134] I can't believe you.

[2135] A big accident.

[2136] I was trying to hit the applause.

[2137] Fuck, I hit the one button.

[2138] You know not to press A. I know that.

[2139] But then you press a twice.

[2140] I thought I was hitting C. And then when I heard it, I panicked and tried to turn it off, which restarted.

[2141] So yes, that's all.

[2142] It's everything that went down.

[2143] Okay.

[2144] I guess that was foreseeable.

[2145] Okay.

[2146] That's it.

[2147] That's it?

[2148] Yeah.

[2149] Well, I loved her.

[2150] I loved her, too.

[2151] It's so fun.

[2152] Oh, my God, ding, ding, ding.

[2153] She was in a cabin, probably a lake nearby.

[2154] Oh.

[2155] I hope someone's made sure she's up to code on her swimming.

[2156] Everyone is.

[2157] Everyone knows how to swim except me. No, and you do too.

[2158] We just, we got to double check.

[2159] I mean, I know I can tread water and stuff, but what scares me is like jumping in.

[2160] Okay.

[2161] And then swimming from there.

[2162] Like, I can swim if I start out in the pool, but I'm a little nervous about my ability to like.

[2163] Dive in.

[2164] Well, I definitely won't dive in.

[2165] Okay.

[2166] Even jumping in and then.

[2167] Surfacing?

[2168] Right.

[2169] Oh, no, you'll be able to surface just fine.

[2170] I don't know.

[2171] Yeah, we're going to find out.

[2172] We're going to find out.

[2173] How do you surface?

[2174] You swim up.

[2175] You swim up towards the surface.

[2176] You know?

[2177] That requires knowing how to swim.

[2178] Which you do.

[2179] Okay.

[2180] But we got to double check.

[2181] Okay.

[2182] All right.

[2183] Happy birthday.

[2184] Bye.

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