You’re Not Yelling…Yet. But Here’s What Ticks You Off.

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[24] So I know how you want the evening to go.

[25] You want your kids to go upstairs at the right time to take a back.

[26] or a shower.

[27] You want them to brush their teeth, floss, brush their hair, do all their business, good hygiene, good attitude, and then get into bed and you're going to read them a book and it's going to be awesome and they're going to say, Mom, Dad, we love our life and we love that you care so much and spend this time with us and it makes us feel safe before we go to bed so that we're going to sleep so well, wake up with a good attitude.

[28] And that doesn't happen, does it?

[29] Right?

[30] Because real life intervenes.

[31] And what usually happens instead is that they fight you over all those little things that they already know to do because you've had the same routine since they came out of the womb and they should know exactly what to do but they still fight you all the time or maybe you have a child in this case we're going to call it a daughter who dawdles at bedtime because she doesn't want to miss out on life and because she doesn't like to go to sleep or whatever reason because there's a lot of reasons with sleep issues but she wants to try on different pajamas every night before bed and so what really happens is you're tired because bedtime is tough because you've had all day and you want the child to get in bed so you can go downstairs and just have some time for yourself or with your spouse and so your tone gets a little short and so you start honey honey you need put your pajamas on and get in bed and it starts getting that clipped tone because you're frustrated right and when that doesn't work honey I'm going to count to 10 and if you are not in bed and then we just start barking out consequences, whatever comes to mind.

[32] You know what?

[33] I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to burn all your pajamas in a bonfire tomorrow.

[34] Honey, if you are not in bed, I am not going to read to you tonight.

[35] And that sets off a huge meltdown because your daughter loves this book and she's been waiting all day to see what happens.

[36] And now you just took it away and what happens.

[37] See, we get frustrated because it's taking too long.

[38] And I get that to really frustrating our son Casey was the same exact way.

[39] And we start to try to push and push and push to get them to do what we want them to do because we've got an agenda.

[40] We've got a plan for how it should be.

[41] And what happens is it actually ends up taking longer and you end up in tears.

[42] And now your daughter doesn't sleep well and you don't sleep well.

[43] So how do you do it differently?

[44] Because we have the plan, but we have that in our mind.

[45] But what happens is this tone of voice comes out, when we're frustrated.

[46] So I wanna show you how to do it differently next time.

[47] So that's what we're gonna talk about today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[48] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[49] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[50] If you need help, contact our strong -willed son who also didn't like to sleep, by the way.

[51] Little note for you here.

[52] You know how I've talked about your anxiety?

[53] See, we have anxiety as parents and causes us to project into the future.

[54] Casey was a horrible sleeper and we found out there were a number of reasons for it when he was young that we ended up solving but he didn't like to sleep so I thought oh he's never going to sleep he's going to stay up late all the time he goes to bed early now he's like an old man he goes to sleep earlier than I do why because he likes getting up early and he hikes and does all kinds of outdoor stuff they change and they tend to follow your lead so relax a little bit, parents.

[55] So if you need help, contact Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecom .com.

[56] Why?

[57] Because he's a strong -willed child and he understands your frustration and he understands your kids because he is your child.

[58] So if you need help, tell us about your family.

[59] We'll reply back personally with ideas and strategies with insights that will help you.

[60] We will put together a custom bundle of our resources within your budget.

[61] Right now, everything I think is within your budget because we've got the Christmas and July sale going on everything.

[62] There's a package for everything we've ever created.

[63] There's one on a Calm Parenting podcast on an OBS program.

[64] Anyway, check it out.

[65] Ask Casey.

[66] We'll help you out and you'll, you know, our real goal is to break generational patterns and change these patterns in you so that these situations that normally cause us to to draw apart and to tear us apart actually bring us together.

[67] and that's my theme in this podcast.

[68] So we're going to talk about turning things which irritate you into bonding opportunities.

[69] So let me just use this example.

[70] This could be for a four -year -old, a seven -year -old, a nine -year -old, a 12, a 15 - to 17 -year -old, in different situations.

[71] But I'm just going to use this.

[72] So it's a daughter who's dawdling at bedtime.

[73] And it's frustrating.

[74] And I get it.

[75] And I was talking to some parents on a phone consultation.

[76] And so I gave them three ideas.

[77] to begin with.

[78] Number one, anticipate this.

[79] This is the nightly dance.

[80] This is what happens.

[81] We have agendas, and I like, I'm a planner.

[82] I've got an old Franklin Covey planner right next to me right now.

[83] I love planning stuff.

[84] I'm a little bit OCD.

[85] I like the order and structure.

[86] I love all of that.

[87] But if you want to actually have good human relationships, you're going to have to drop your agenda, whether that's a time and an event, kind of agenda or whether it's just your controlling agenda, right, that you have because human relationships can't be fit into some engineering flowchart.

[88] They're dynamic.

[89] They change.

[90] And so you're going to have to let go sometimes.

[91] I like your routines.

[92] Your routines are good.

[93] We advocate routines.

[94] We call them traditions.

[95] I love traditions in the home.

[96] They provide a lot of order and stability.

[97] And so your kids know what to expect.

[98] I like all of that.

[99] But this is the nightly dance.

[100] It's your, you deal with reality that's been given to you, not just what is easiest for you or what you want and what you kind of is in your brain.

[101] So maybe you go up to bed a little earlier so you build in some cushion time, just like sometimes in the morning.

[102] Look, we give tools.

[103] Get up, get up, get up, have a treasure hunt for little kids, eat your food out in the obstacle course.

[104] son, teenager, you get up on time and you get ready and come downstairs, we'll blast your favorite music and we'll jam to it.

[105] I like all those tools, but for some kids, you've got to get them up a little bit earlier.

[106] Why?

[107] Because they're just slower.

[108] And it takes a little while longer.

[109] And you reset your expectations.

[110] Here's a second idea.

[111] Maybe, just maybe, instead of trying to force this with the whole, like, you know what, honey, you better get your pajamas on.

[112] You do that right now you better get in bed in the next few seconds or else.

[113] Maybe you do the opposite.

[114] Remember, we've talked about that.

[115] Do the opposite of what you'd normally do.

[116] You know what, honey, that's a good idea.

[117] I think I'm going to go put something more comfortable on myself.

[118] And you may even invite your daughter and say, you want to come with me?

[119] Why don't you come with me and pick out something I could wear?

[120] Because I've been in these clothes all day.

[121] I like to be comfy too.

[122] I guarantee you, most kids, they love helping them.

[123] their parents in having a say, having a choice, having some ownership in this, and feeling like they're helpful.

[124] And look, you can kind of picture this girl who is strong -willed and tough and resistant.

[125] Doesn't want to do what you say.

[126] She'll dig into her own detriment, because your kids do that.

[127] They'll take consequences and they'll do things that make their life harder and they'll dig in and they won't stop.

[128] But you can also see this.

[129] girl, her eyes light up a little bit, running behind her daddy, wanting to look in the closet and saying, Daddy, try this.

[130] This looks really comfortable.

[131] And then when you put that comfy sweatshirt or whatever on and you're like, this is, now this daughter feels gratified because she just helped her daddy be happy.

[132] Right?

[133] It's a really cool thing.

[134] Or maybe she brings her clothes in and gets dressed in your bedroom.

[135] Try different things.

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[147] Third idea, be curious.

[148] Now, I know you don't want to be curious.

[149] What you want is like, get your clothes on now, move it.

[150] Because I'm tired and I want to get downstairs and I put some Benadryl in your food, a little bit of whiskey and your drink because I was hoping it would knock you out, but you're a strong -willed child.

[151] so it actually does the opposite and keeps you up all night.

[152] I'm kidding, but some of you have done that before.

[153] But you want to yell, you want to get on her.

[154] But I want you to be curious and do the opposite.

[155] Slow yourself down.

[156] Hey, honey, I'm curious why you like those PJs.

[157] Are they softer?

[158] Do you sleep better in those?

[159] And sometimes it just changes the dynamic a little bit, softens your daughter, and then she climbs up in bed next to you.

[160] in her comfy little pajamas that she chose that night, and tomorrow night it's going to be a different pair, or you're going to complain about this.

[161] My child wears the same clothes every day for 18 straight days, or they've been wearing the same hoodie sweatshirt for the past three years, right?

[162] Sometimes we can't be police.

[163] And so she climbs up into bed when you've done it this way.

[164] And so my encouragement to you this week is this.

[165] Let's find one thing that your child does that irritates you most.

[166] Just one.

[167] Take that which irritates you most and be creative and turn it into a bonding opportunity.

[168] See, instead of fighting everything, enter into it.

[169] Enter into some of these things because, look, I know your child is strong -willed, but you create some of these power struggles yourself because you need a lot of order and structure.

[170] You want things done a certain way.

[171] You are raised that way.

[172] You see your role in that way.

[173] And so you're creating some of those power struggles.

[174] Enter into it.

[175] Enter into their world.

[176] Stop fighting it.

[177] And instead, take what usually separates you emotionally.

[178] Because look, when you get on your, honey, honey, if you weren't, you know, I am not going to read to you tonight.

[179] I am not going to read to you tonight.

[180] and you walk off and you're justified, watch, you're justified, you're right.

[181] She should have listened and put her pajamas on and got in bed, and she didn't do it in the right time limit, and so she lost the book, and you're right.

[182] And there's nothing really wrong with that, except that in some cases, if you read the moment the right way, it wasn't the right time to pull that out.

[183] And it separates you, and it does that a lot.

[184] in your life.

[185] And I want you to take that which usually separates you and turn it into something that brings you closer because it is not consequences and rules that change behavior in the long run.

[186] It's human relationships.

[187] And I guarantee you when you change that dynamic around where she's looking forward to picking out your clothes that you're going to wear to bed or for the night, you change that whole dynamic and you did it not by changing your child first, you did it by changing your own attitude, your own tone of voice.

[188] And you've got to control your own control issues and your anxiety and your tone of voice and you can do that.

[189] And when you do that, you will find that you can do this with just about any situation with a teenager who's bugging you because they want more freedom in a later curfew and they want to go to some party or some event with their teenage friends that you don't want them to go to.

[190] And it doesn't mean that you have to give in to them.

[191] But if you start to see it in a different situation, you become curious and you throw on different ideas and you ask them for an idea for their advice into something in your own world.

[192] When you do that, you change the dynamic.

[193] So I want you to do that and practice that this week.

[194] If we can help you with that, I mean, I'll do a phone consultation with you.

[195] That's great.

[196] I love it, but I'd rather you really go through the Get Everything Package, which has everything.

[197] It's like over 30 hours of practical strategies and different things.

[198] The No BS program is a very, very quick one that you can go through, 25 action steps.

[199] And then the Calm Parenting Package gives you the complete context and ideas for everything.

[200] It's on sale, Christmas and July.

[201] But if you need help, email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[202] If you want us to come to your town, by the way, churches, school.

[203] schools, synagogues, mosques, foster care, all kinds of organizations are opening back up to live events now, and we're super excited to be on the road to meet you in person.

[204] But if we can help you, reach out to us because that's what we exist to do.

[205] I want to hear some success stories this week's mom's and dads.

[206] Let's really work on this.

[207] One area, we're going to turn it around into a bonding opportunity.

[208] It's really cool.

[209] and when you learn how to do that with one idea or one situation, you start to do it with another one.

[210] It's really cool how it works.

[211] Okay, thanks for sharing the podcast.

[212] Love you all.

[213] Bye -bye.