Tiffany Haddish

[0] Hi, my name is Tiffany Haddish.

[1] I feel amazing about being Conan's friend.

[2] Back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] We are going to be friends.

[5] Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast where I, Conan, Well, I'm part of a never -ending quest to find real friends, make connections in a world that I think's gone quite insane.

[6] I'm joined today, as always, Mr. Matt Gawley.

[7] Hi, Captain.

[8] Yep, thank you, sir.

[9] And, of course, on this voyage, because Sona had to depart the ship temporarily in order to have children in the lifeboat and raise them for a while, and then I hope come back, which she will.

[10] I don't know why we're going with the boat analogy still.

[11] but we have one of the deck hands who swabs the deck.

[12] Always a chipper smile on his face has been brought up from the very bowels of the ship covered in soot and grime to take the place of the temporarily absent sona who's birthed twins, Mikey and Charlie, in a boat that we lowered into the sea.

[13] I don't know why she couldn't have had the twins on our boat, but again, this is my fault.

[14] I took the analogy way, way too far.

[15] We don't even know what boat she's on now.

[16] She's in a small boat.

[17] We put her out to sea, and then she will row back once the children have...

[18] Wait, we put her in a boat in a little dingy.

[19] She goes out by herself and delivers twins and then is supposed to row back to our boat?

[20] Well, I think Sona's very hearty person.

[21] She's very...

[22] Sony has punched me many times.

[23] I'm not worried about Sona.

[24] I'm worried that we made her do this.

[25] Oh, no, no, no, no. Contractually, I have to point out in legally, I didn't make her do this.

[26] Just as part of this analogy, I said, I think it's best if you go have the twins on a small dingy out at sea so that I can record the podcast on the mainship here and we'll have David, the lowly deckhand, take over for you while you're pushing two children out of you alone in a boat floating in the South Pacific.

[27] This just seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

[28] I'm trying to, God damn it.

[29] I'm doing my best.

[30] I love analogies.

[31] I love to stay true to them and I tried to go with this and then you guys forced me into this.

[32] No, we'll stay with it.

[33] I think we're going to mutiny though.

[34] Oh, you're going to mutiny?

[35] Yeah.

[36] What do you have a, do you have a tweed saber you're going to hit me with?

[37] Oh, okay.

[38] What are you going to do?

[39] You're going to take away my subscription to NPR.

[40] Is that what you're going to do?

[41] I get it.

[42] And give you your subscription to Boomer magazine?

[43] Oh, nice.

[44] That's what my son says all the time to me now, boomer.

[45] Can I say something?

[46] You do point out people's looks a lot like a boomer, though.

[47] Can I say something Please.

[48] Okay, I get it.

[49] I guess I'm the old man. Guess what?

[50] This old man served his country pretty bravely in the Falklands.

[51] I didn't see you doing much.

[52] The war that England fought?

[53] Yeah.

[54] Yeah, I was visiting England at the time as a college student.

[55] And when the call came that there was a minor skirmish in a weird part of the world that everyone's forgotten, I was there for England.

[56] Okay?

[57] Second of all.

[58] I'm sorry.

[59] I apologize.

[60] Yeah.

[61] I don't like, my son calls me boomer all the time.

[62] And everything I do, he says, boomer, boomer.

[63] And I looked it up.

[64] I'm not a boomer.

[65] Are you not?

[66] Are you Generation X?

[67] No, I think I should be, I'm right on the line between a boomer and Gen X. And I don't like it.

[68] I think the line runs right through like 1963, which is when I'm born.

[69] And so I think of a boomer as someone who was at Woodstock, okay?

[70] And I was pooping my diapers at Woodstock.

[71] I mean, I was 30, but I get it, folks.

[72] But I mean, I don't, I think of boomers as people that were saying, yeah, I'm going going off to see Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, I'll be back later, and then I'm going to join the Manson Colt.

[73] To me, that's a boomer, okay?

[74] I'm seeing here that the boomers are 1946 to 64, so you are a boomer.

[75] But why?

[76] But listen, I'm so soundly in the middle of the Generation X generation that I can let you in, but you have to be asked in like a vampire.

[77] So you got to start being nice to me, and, you know, that's just...

[78] Can I be a Gen Xer, please?

[79] Is there a test?

[80] Yeah, there's a bit of a test.

[81] Okay.

[82] Well, I don't like...

[83] You have, you have, admit I did get screwed a little bit on the timing of I think 64 is going way too late for boomers because how can a boomer encompass someone who was born just as World War II was ending and me that's ridiculous who came of age you know watching Scooby -Doo cartoons that's insane that's way too what there is a divide between you and me look I'm wearing flannel like a grunge guy everything about you says grunge everything everything about you says I just remember You were there in 91 in Seattle.

[84] Remember when it was all going down?

[85] You can see you in the background a lot.

[86] I was in Whittier listening to Wilson Phillips.

[87] It's so funny.

[88] Whenever I hear Whittier, I think of Nixon, you know?

[89] You grew up blocks from Nixon's house, and I just love that you used to listen to Wilson Phillips with an aging Richard Nixon.

[90] Would he come over to your house?

[91] Oh, is Matt here?

[92] Yes, former president Nixon.

[93] and he's in the basement.

[94] Is he listening to...

[95] Is he listening to Wilson Phillips?

[96] Yes, he is listening to Wilson.

[97] I'd very much like to join him down there.

[98] I think it's quite a trio.

[99] Are you a Carney or a China?

[100] I'm a...

[101] I like China.

[102] Good God, the game's on that, lady.

[103] Are we taping this, by the way?

[104] First podcast.

[105] That was the first podcast ever.

[106] You could argue was the Nixon tapes.

[107] That's the first podcast.

[108] Yeah.

[109] Do you remember when you listen to the Nixon tapes?

[110] I don't because I wasn't alive as I was a Generation X. I know your Generation X. But they're called tapes and you can listen to them later on.

[111] I know.

[112] Yeah, yeah.

[113] So you're probably unfamiliar with anything.

[114] I'll tell you about Glenn Miller someday.

[115] There's actually a way to listen to that music, even though you weren't alive at the time.

[116] But, you know, think about it.

[117] The Nixon tapes really are the first podcast, and it would have been very funny if he had done it.

[118] If you were listening to it and you heard him doing a, taking a break to do ads.

[119] So Nixon's in the Oval Office and he's talking to Hall of, Alderman and Erlickman, and he's like, well, you know, we've got to get these bastards.

[120] We've got to get them where it hurts.

[121] How much money would it cost to get into, break into the Watergate Hotel?

[122] Well, we have a team that would do it, and it would cost about this much.

[123] Well, we could get that money.

[124] Yeah, we could get that money.

[125] Well, just hang on just a second here.

[126] It just puts me in mind of, I'm looking at a photograph here of my lovely wife, Pat.

[127] And I'm thinking, wouldn't it be nice if this photograph was on glass?

[128] Wouldn't that be something?

[129] Well, let me tell you it can be.

[130] Fracture prints.

[131] With Fracture prints, you'll get this wonderful picture of Pat or one of the Eisenhower boys or your dog checkers and you can have it on glass so that when Pat Boone comes by the Oval Office to swap stories, you can show them pictures and they're on glass preserve for all time.

[132] Anyway, fracture.

[133] Anyway, back to you.

[134] Erlachman, Haldeman, how do we get these fuckers?

[135] We've got to get in there and we've got to get...

[136] We gotta get those goddamn Pentagon Papers back!

[137] There's gotta be a way to store papers, and I'll tell you one thing.

[138] If you wanna keep track of papers, you don't need the right software to do it.

[139] And that's software!

[140] You don't even...

[141] I wish Conan was a better improvisation could come up with the fucking company.

[142] What is it, Matt?

[143] What's a good software company that had...

[144] Quickbooks.

[145] There you go.

[146] Quickbooks!

[147] Oh yeah, Quickbook software!

[148] That way you can keep track.

[149] You can get the Pentagon Papers that Daniel L. Stohl.

[150] You can get them and you can keep on Quicken.

[151] You can also keep track of all your slush funds with their accounting app.

[152] And this enables you that then take that money and you can send it to those Cubans right away without having to put it through the mail.

[153] Anyway, back to the podcast.

[154] Today's episode, we're going to get those fuckers.

[155] Those fuckers, we're going to hit him and hit them hard.

[156] I swear to God, I can do nine hours of Nixon's podcast.

[157] Please, if you liked Nixon's podcast, Riff, Please encourage me to do it some more Because I've never been happier It's a spin -off It really makes me happy Well, our first guest today, of course This is of course Dick Nixon needs a friend And God, let me tell you I really do Then in the President of the United States I'm now safely in my second term Haven't got a goddamn well of course There's Reverend Billy Graham But you know He's kind of a fair weather friend It doesn't call when things are going low.

[158] Anyway, I should get on to my first guest today.

[159] My guest today is an Emmy Award -winning actress and comedian.

[160] You know from the movie Girls Trip.

[161] Oh, God, I saw that with Pat.

[162] We walked out.

[163] We didn't understand any of it.

[164] And, of course, the TBS series, The Last OG.

[165] Oh, I wish I understood what that meant.

[166] O .G. Gordon -Liddy.

[167] Oh, that must be about G. Gordon -Liddy.

[168] You're right.

[169] The last OG.

[170] Oh, G. Gordon -Leod.

[171] I love it.

[172] Now you can see her in the new film.

[173] The card counter.

[174] Oh, I'm going to see that.

[175] They're going to screen that.

[176] tonight in the bowling alley underneath the West Wing.

[177] I'm so excited to you with us today.

[178] I'm going to switch my voice back to Conan soon, but good God.

[179] Tiffany Haddish, welcome.

[180] You know, it's funny, because I was thinking about you today, because I was so excited that I get to talk to you.

[181] I love you.

[182] I love your story.

[183] I love your energy.

[184] And I'm just delighted that you're here.

[185] Seriously.

[186] Well, I'm delighted to be here with you.

[187] I love you.

[188] Well, okay.

[189] Can you dance?

[190] Okay, yes, I got the crazy.

[191] I love that dance.

[192] The string dance.

[193] I love it.

[194] Man, yes.

[195] When I go to my grave, people will be like, what did he do?

[196] He did that dance.

[197] Anything else I do.

[198] It's so funny because over the years I've worked a lot with your friend Kevin Hart, and I see these points that are very similar with you and Kevin.

[199] You both lean into this positivity and put all this energy.

[200] into what you're doing, a hundred and forty percent.

[201] And I believe in that, and I think, I don't know if you see that, if you see the ways in which you and Kevin are kind of similar.

[202] Oh, yeah, I definitely see how similar we are, but I also see how different we are.

[203] Right.

[204] Well, you're much taller than Kevin.

[205] Well, much taller.

[206] Way better looking.

[207] Also, you don't yell at me. In everything I've ever done with Kevin, all he does is yell at me. Well, because it's like a little man chewing out a giant.

[208] David and Goliath It's true But for me I mean I like to shout and stuff too But I try to be more sophisticated With it from time to time Especially with men You know I don't want to yell at men Unless they do something dumb But I am loud And that's because I'm partially deaf Because I've been through things At least I think I'm partially deaf Do you really think you're partially deaf?

[209] I'm pretty sure I'm deaf and I left ear I think like I talk really loud and I try to talk softer but then I feel like no one can hear me or I'm doing AMSR you know I try to talk lower and I think I'm deaf in my left ear partially because like of the stuff my mom did because you know you used to get when I used to get slapped you get slapped and I think that messed up a little something but also I think it's from alcohol because you know you go partially deaf when you drink and I think it stayed oh seriously I don't know I just made that part of well I think I was going to say but think about a lot Drug people are always loud.

[210] Yes.

[211] Because you become partially deaf when you're intoxicated.

[212] Right.

[213] And also, I don't know if it's that, but it's also you think everything you're saying is so fantastic.

[214] It should be shouted out to the world.

[215] Don't you think it's partially that too?

[216] Maybe.

[217] Or is that cocaine?

[218] I don't know.

[219] I've never done cocaine.

[220] I've never done cocaine either.

[221] But I know.

[222] I know.

[223] Fuck no, man. Come on some in cocaine.

[224] So many people are dying off of it, man. But I was thinking about getting some cocaine seeds and growing those in my backyard.

[225] And then, because I'm a friend - Cocaine seeds.

[226] Matt, are there cocaine seeds?

[227] Well, isn't it the cacao plant or whatever?

[228] Is that not right?

[229] Yeah, it comes from the cocaine plant.

[230] Google it, Google it.

[231] I never thought that there was a cocaine plant.

[232] I just don't think of it.

[233] Where did cocaine come from?

[234] I just thought Al Pacino had all of this.

[235] It has to come from somewhere.

[236] They say it comes from Columbia.

[237] That means it's a lot of suns, the equator.

[238] It grows somewhere.

[239] I just wasn't thinking.

[240] And I know that you can chew on cocaine sticks.

[241] And it doesn't get you high like cocaine does, but it gives you energy like Red Bull.

[242] Oh, here we go.

[243] Well, see, cocaine is a tropane alkaloid and stimulant drunk obtained primarily from the leaves of two cocoa species.

[244] So I guess it does.

[245] You're right.

[246] Okay.

[247] So I get two cocoa plants, plant those, grow them myself.

[248] Then I smash them or dehydrate them, smash them up, make the powder, and then make a tea.

[249] I don't want you doing this just because we started talking about it on this podcast.

[250] Well, I will not be doing any cocaine until I turn 70.

[251] When I turn 70 is when I should be doing hard drugs.

[252] Because that's when the fibromyalgia kick up, the arthritis, all the poor joints and stuff.

[253] You know, this is a great idea that you have is this idea of, because I've pretty much stayed, well, completely stayed away from drugs all my life.

[254] And I think what you're saying appeals to me, which is maybe 72, 75, I start trying some stuff.

[255] Not going crazy.

[256] Oh, I'm going crazy.

[257] Oh, okay.

[258] Every week, starting on my 70th birthday.

[259] I'll try one new drug.

[260] I'll write a book about it.

[261] It should last about three months, maybe four, but I'm fucking high out my mind.

[262] And we'll see what happens.

[263] That's why I've got to keep my body strong and healthy now.

[264] So by the time I turn 70, I can try all the drugs and I still live and I can write a book or do a movie on it.

[265] Called it Granny So Hot.

[266] You know, you should really, you should write this idea down as a book because I'm telling you a lot of people would take it seriously.

[267] Right.

[268] But then it's like, okay, my first time trying mushrooms, that experience, LSD, you know, acid, cocaine, crack.

[269] Okay.

[270] Every weekend it just accelerated.

[271] Crystal mess.

[272] Yeah.

[273] You know.

[274] I've already been smoking weed.

[275] I'm saving crack for my 90th birthday.

[276] And I'm just going to do a, I'm going to go to a real crack den.

[277] And I'm going to do crack at 90.

[278] I grew up around crack den.

[279] So I'm cool.

[280] On going to one, I'm going to do it in my mansion.

[281] Right.

[282] And I'm one day for the choir.

[283] Because if you're going to do crack, you got to do it like the best of them.

[284] Okay.

[285] Got it.

[286] You know, Whitney did it.

[287] And she was in a mansion when she did it.

[288] Yeah.

[289] I think.

[290] You haven't done a lot of research on this.

[291] I haven't.

[292] I mean, I just know.

[293] She said, where are the receipts?

[294] Oh, right.

[295] Show me the receipt.

[296] Was this on her reality show?

[297] I can't remember.

[298] I don't remember.

[299] She did an interview with somebody and they was like, is it true that you're a Brian crack?

[300] And she said, show me the receipts.

[301] Where are the receipts at?

[302] You don't often get a receipt, I'm guessing, when you buy crack.

[303] I don't think so, but I know you can get one when you buy weed nowadays.

[304] Right.

[305] Oh, yeah.

[306] Well, now weed has become like getting a fine wine.

[307] I mean, especially here in Los Angeles.

[308] It's amazing.

[309] I used to have to spend two hours just to get some.

[310] some weed, just to get a little baggy, a little eighth of week, because you have to go to the weed man house, then you got to talk to him, make him laugh, try to get a discount.

[311] Next thing you know, two hours and went by, and then you finally get your weed, and then you're like, dang, now I got to go to work.

[312] I can't smoke until I get off work.

[313] I love that you said you go to the weed man and you got to make him laugh.

[314] And it occurs to me, and I know this about you, but you've figured out early in your life that you had this gift and that it could literally save your life.

[315] Definitely.

[316] out pretty young, about 10, 9, 10, with my mom, I noticed, because she would say things like, I'm going to beat your ass.

[317] I'm going to beat your ass.

[318] As soon as we get to the house, I'm going to beat your ass.

[319] If I could make her laugh four or five times before we get to the house, she forget about the beating the ass threat until later on usually.

[320] It's like a surprise assing.

[321] Then she go, wait a minute.

[322] Wait a minute.

[323] I owe you an ass whipping.

[324] Oh, God, I'm sorry.

[325] But it's like, that was a, a technique to, like, distract her.

[326] And then I saw Who Frame Roger Rabbit.

[327] And the detective says to the rabbit, why are these people doing these nice things for you?

[328] He said, because I make them laugh, Eddie, if you make people laugh, they'll do anything for you.

[329] And I was like, oh, that's the ticket.

[330] That's how I'm going to get help with my homework.

[331] That's how I'm going to get somebody to save me. That's how I'm going to get, like, that's something to get a husband and all these cool things I was thinking, you know.

[332] And it did work.

[333] I was able to get kids to, like, I couldn't read that good.

[334] I couldn't really read at all.

[335] So I would use my ability of memory and my charisma and my funniness to get boys with deep voices to read to me. And I would memorize every single word they said, not staring their mouths.

[336] Why do they need to have deep voices?

[337] Why am I excluded from this?

[338] You have a deep voice.

[339] No, I have a terrible.

[340] I don't like my voice.

[341] But if we were in school, I would tell you you had a deep voice.

[342] It would be deep to me. And I would believe you, too.

[343] Because I'd be like, oh, man, Conan, you're...

[344] Yes.

[345] Your voice is so cool.

[346] Do you think so, Tiffany?

[347] Oh, man. I love to hear you talk.

[348] Your life is the best laugh.

[349] Hey, can you do me a favor?

[350] I will do anything for you, Tiffany.

[351] Really?

[352] Awesome, awesome.

[353] Can you read this paragraph to me?

[354] Really, this whole page?

[355] Yes, I will.

[356] Oh, cool.

[357] It was a dark and stormy night.

[358] Oh, keep reading.

[359] Keep going.

[360] You are so good.

[361] Man, you are, it's incredible.

[362] I've seen you do it, you know, in movies and on television.

[363] And I got to chat with you briefly at a TBS backstage thing once.

[364] Yes.

[365] And I walked away from that experience and just was saying she is like the nicest person I've ever met.

[366] And I've met some really nice people.

[367] But I just had a great talk with you backstage and you have the power.

[368] It really is incredible to be sitting right across from you and watch you lock in.

[369] and it's like a crazy, you know, 10 ,000 -watt beam hitting me. It's really fantastic.

[370] Because I also, I care about whoever I'm talking to.

[371] If I didn't like you or I don't care, I'm a total bitch.

[372] Is that true?

[373] I'm so fucking rude because I start saying exactly what I think.

[374] Yeah.

[375] And then some people are like, oh, my God, Tiffany's nice to some people.

[376] She's such a fucking bitch.

[377] And I'm like, well, I don't like you.

[378] Right.

[379] You're a fucking liar.

[380] Really?

[381] People be lying to me. And I think I'm, I think people think I don't pay attention that I, don't know anybody or that I haven't read a book or, you know, have an understanding of how business goes.

[382] I think people think because I'm funny and silly and sweet that I don't understand business.

[383] And I'm a business woman first, right?

[384] And then I'm cool and everything.

[385] And then when you disrespect or you go behind my back, you stab me, well, now I turn it to a vicious beast.

[386] Right.

[387] And I don't play no games.

[388] And I'll cause, I'll be like, look, you're a lying ass bitch, straight up.

[389] So I don't even know why you're talking to me. Did you have this, I can't remember exactly who said it, it might have been Nathaniel West, but he said, Hollywood's the only town where you can die of enthusiasm, meaning people around you just saying, you're the best, you're the best, you're the best, but nothing happens, and they don't mean it, or they don't really help you.

[390] Do you know what I mean?

[391] Yeah, that was the beginning of my career, where I was not the best.

[392] I was not the best.

[393] They're like, you're amazing, you're great, Tiffany, you're so beautiful.

[394] And, like, people are trying to sleep with you.

[395] And I'm like, if I was so great, why are you trying to?

[396] to fuck me and not trying to make money off of me, right?

[397] If somebody really thinks you're great and amazing, like, I feel like in this business, they're going to try to make money with you and fuck you too, right?

[398] Not just fuck you and then be like, oh, we'll get to the money part.

[399] Like, no, no, no, no, no, get to the money first.

[400] That makes me wet.

[401] And I used to love saying that all the time.

[402] You tell them that, right?

[403] Yeah, because comics will be like, I'm like, can I open up for you?

[404] And they're like, ah, well, Tiffany, I mean, are you going to open up?

[405] them legs.

[406] I remember one comic said that to me, and I was like, open up my legs to do stage time.

[407] That's stupid.

[408] That's unbelievable, too.

[409] I mean, I know it's completely believable.

[410] Real.

[411] Yeah.

[412] And they're like, well, you're pretty.

[413] I don't know if you're really going to be that funny.

[414] I'm like, you have seen me do sense.

[415] If you don't think I'm funny, just say no. If you're trying to fuck me, you got to pay me to fuck me and you got to pay me to do stage time.

[416] I'm going to need $100 ,000.

[417] Tiffany, my price is so much lower.

[418] First of all, no one's ever tried to fuck me. Everyone's always like, let's get this straight.

[419] We want to make money off you and with you, but we don't want to see your naked body.

[420] That was always made very clear up front.

[421] But it was really hard, though, because especially being young, you know, I was like 19, 20 years old.

[422] And I definitely went through my whole phase, but I was on some like, I'm only going to fuck people that I think can do something for me or that I want to fuck.

[423] And it needs to be something that they can do for me that I can't do for myself.

[424] So I was able to book myself in different comedy clubs.

[425] I was able to get rooms and do shows.

[426] So I felt like, well, I can book myself for shows.

[427] I can get myself on stage.

[428] So I don't need to fuck you to get on stage.

[429] But if I think you're hot or whatever, I think I might bust a nut, then I might fuck.

[430] So, yeah, but most of the time, I was mostly fucking dope dealers because they could pay for my acting classes.

[431] Is that true?

[432] Yeah.

[433] So the dope dealers would pay for my acting classes and also they was gangster, you know, and they were bad boys, yeah.

[434] So you like the bad boys?

[435] I did then.

[436] Now I like, now my taste has changed, you know.

[437] Unlike men, my flavor, my taste changes over time.

[438] I think men, once y 'all turn 21, that's the type of woman you always want.

[439] That's what I think.

[440] What you think?

[441] Well, I'm going to have to clear this with my wife, but.

[442] Yeah, y 'all moves don't change or nothing changed, like nothing evolves.

[443] No, I'm, men don't evolve.

[444] I mean, y 'all evolve like financially.

[445] Well, you know, we evolve somewhat and kind of in a, I think one of the things that scientifically, I learned this a while ago, men, testosterone levels fall over time.

[446] Now, I never had a ton of it.

[447] Okay, let's get one thing straight.

[448] I think you did.

[449] I had my share, but I had.

[450] didn't have like a double dose and you see these people out there that have just they they're men that testosterone makes them crazy in their teens and 20s and all they can think about is sex yeah but your sex moves don't change you guys still do it this like grab left titty move shirt over to get a fucking it hasn't evolved since fucking 17 21 you know what I'm saying Grab booty cheeks, smile in her face, tell her she smells good.

[451] Ask her if you can taste her.

[452] Like those, they don't say shit.

[453] Hey, I've had all of this written on my hand since I was 19 years old.

[454] I can't believe you just said it in the right order, too.

[455] Damn it.

[456] Grab left kitty.

[457] Yes, number one.

[458] Grab left suck right.

[459] Every now and then it starts to fade out, and I have to rewrite it again.

[460] And my wife's like, you don't need that anymore, you ass.

[461] You're like on automatic.

[462] We've been married 20 years.

[463] She's like, make a mistake and try something different.

[464] Yeah, exactly.

[465] Oh my God.

[466] Yes.

[467] That's my assumption from my experience in life.

[468] And I only come to that conclusion because like some of the dudes that I slept with when I was like 19 and 20, I went ahead and tried out again in my mid to late 30s.

[469] And they was doing the same fucking moves.

[470] And I was like, you haven't fucked them ever.

[471] bitches to come up with some new shit.

[472] Like, don't you watch porn?

[473] You ain't getting no new moves, bro?

[474] Like, you're still doing the same thing?

[475] Like, that's why I stopped fucking with your ass in the first place because you was doing these dumb -ass moves.

[476] For your homework, I need you to go watch a lot of porn.

[477] I mean, not necessarily watch porn, but maybe, maybe just try something different.

[478] Right.

[479] Think outside the box a little bit.

[480] Right.

[481] I feel like my testosterone levels have gone up, though.

[482] Yes.

[483] And so I'm a lot more aggressive.

[484] And those same comics that were, like, telling me I couldn't open up for them.

[485] Now they're asking me to hook them up with spots and stuff.

[486] And I'm like, Kim, will you open up your legs?

[487] Now, that's a question I was going to ask you.

[488] Would you?

[489] Now, what would go in there?

[490] I got a few ideas.

[491] Yeah.

[492] I have a flashlight in my car.

[493] My question is, yeah, okay, people have these fantasies.

[494] of someday the role is going to be reversed.

[495] And sadly, for a bunch of people, it never happens.

[496] For you, it's happened in this spectacular way.

[497] What do you say when you encounter someone today who you know for a fact told you spread your legs you can get on stage?

[498] I say, will you spread your words?

[499] Do you really say that to them?

[500] I have said that to something.

[501] I have said it.

[502] Or when somebody was like, yeah, Tiff, Led, like, I want to do this show with you.

[503] And I'll host it.

[504] And then I'll bring you out.

[505] Like, you be the head.

[506] headliner and I'll bring you out and I was like like you're introducing Tiffany Haddish no no you need me right and no because when I needed you it was really inappropriate how you came and you were really mean and I'm going to do this the nicest way possible no unfortunately I can't I want to but I can't yeah because I really don't want to yeah but there's a little part of me that because I want to the the young side of me the little girl the young girl you know the 20 something year old girl one to work with that person.

[507] Right.

[508] Right.

[509] That would have been a dream come true for her.

[510] But then the way that she was treated and mishandled.

[511] And for a lot of young women in comedy, they would go for that.

[512] They'd be like, cool.

[513] Sure.

[514] And then nothing ever happens, right?

[515] And then a little piece of your soul is gone.

[516] Yeah.

[517] Right.

[518] I think I'm a firm believer.

[519] And every time you sleep with someone, a little piece of your soul goes.

[520] They take a little piece with you, with them.

[521] And you take a little piece of that person with you, sometimes it's some crazy motherfuckers and mean, not good people, and you got to carry that around, and it's a little piece of you gone.

[522] So I'd rather give a little piece of myself to somebody I want to be around, want to lay down with it, not so that I can entertain the world, or not so that I can get some summer money or whatever.

[523] I have to want to give a piece of myself, right?

[524] And there are some raggedy dudes I have given a piece of myself too for no money at all for free just because I thought they looked good or they made me laugh or they made me feel safe in that moment right and I learned some valuable lessons from it um and what I have immensely learned is my success is the best revenge I could ever give to anyone and I don't have to share it that's fantastic I think there are so many people in this business that have success and it makes them feel, for whatever reason, guilty, they feel like a fraud, they feel like why.

[525] Because they fuck somebody to get there, probably.

[526] Well, but I think it's more complicated than that.

[527] I think there are people that just think success in general, why me?

[528] And you have about as clear -eyed a view on it as anyone I've met.

[529] But success is like every day you wake up, you're successful, right?

[530] And it's what you decide it is.

[531] And it's what you decide you deserve, right?

[532] And if it's a little more than what you decided you deserve, right?

[533] Wow, that's great.

[534] That's a fantastic attitude.

[535] That's the best.

[536] Yeah.

[537] But it's heavy.

[538] Success is heavy.

[539] Yeah.

[540] And you got to be strong enough to carry it.

[541] So I think when people feel like, why me?

[542] Well, it's because it's so heavy and you got to keep it up the, keep it up, right?

[543] And if it's, if you weren't prepared, well, it's like, it's not as wonderful as you thought it would be.

[544] Well, also, there are so many people that I don't think they like themselves at their core.

[545] And so they think if I can get the Tesla or the Bugatti, if I can get the big house, if people recognize me when I go into a restaurant, that's going to take care of this feeling I have.

[546] And it doesn't.

[547] It actually makes it worse.

[548] It makes it way worse.

[549] There's, you know, if you go to Google and you go put in, how do I, right, don't push your intro, just put in, how do I?

[550] The number one search thing is love myself.

[551] That's the number one thing people are trying to do is love themselves.

[552] And that's really the number one thing you got to do before you can do anything else.

[553] I am constantly on a daily basis working on getting rid of the programming that my mother put into me every fucking day.

[554] And what was her programming?

[555] That you're ugly like your daddy.

[556] You're not good enough.

[557] You're stupid.

[558] You're dumb.

[559] You're never going to be shit like your daddy.

[560] Like it's so many things.

[561] What are you an idiot?

[562] You can't make just do the simple pay attention, like all these things.

[563] And so I get in the mirror and I, and I talk to my therapist every week, but I get in the mirror every day.

[564] And I try to, I imagine that every cell in my body is a little computer, right?

[565] And you program that cell with the words that you say and the thoughts that you have, and the feelings that you feel.

[566] And as a, as a human, you can change your mood.

[567] You can change it like really quick.

[568] I mean, I learned that from Instagram.

[569] Because one second, I'm looking at a picture and I'm like, oh, this is cool.

[570] Next second I'm laughing.

[571] Next second I'm watching somebody die.

[572] I'm like, oh my God, what the fuck?

[573] So your emotions can change pretty quick.

[574] And you can decide because you're in control of this machine, the human machine.

[575] So I'll get in the mirror and I look at myself in the eyeballs.

[576] I don't look at anything else.

[577] Look at the darkest part of my eyes.

[578] And I go, Tiffany Haddish, I love and approve of you.

[579] Tiffany Haddish, I love and approve of you.

[580] And sometimes I cry so hard because I'm not in a love and approval mode.

[581] I'm not feeling that way.

[582] And like the moon is full And my hormones It's all over the place And I want to fuck 17 dudes And I'm bleeding Like whatever It's a shit's going on But I have to read I'm sorry I know you're on a role here And this is very profound But 17 Sometimes I mean I'm a 40 -something year old woman Okay I feel like I'm an 18 year old boy On the inside I will fuck everything But I have integrity And I will not If there's a part of me 15 maybe, yeah Poor common, poor common.

[583] I'm going to take your clothes off now.

[584] It's like, baby girl, relax, relax, calm down.

[585] Do you want some water?

[586] Calm down.

[587] Do we need to get common in here to talk you off the ledge?

[588] No, I've become strong enough to talk myself off the ledge.

[589] But it's just something, I think every woman deals with it.

[590] every healthy woman anyways.

[591] When you get to a certain age, you're like, and like, you guys are coming down and we're going up.

[592] That's why we got batteries.

[593] But back to the profoundness.

[594] Solar power.

[595] Sometimes when things get too deep, I crack jokes, so I don't cry.

[596] But that's, you know, this is what I admire so much about you is that you are an extremely energized, hardworking, and relentlessly positive person.

[597] But you're also wise.

[598] You need to have the wisdom sometimes of the things that you've been through that you carry with you.

[599] And I think you do that really beautifully.

[600] You contain all of that at the same time, which I think is not an easy thing to do.

[601] No. It's very difficult.

[602] And like I forgive, which is I think the hardest thing to do in the world is forgive, but I never forget.

[603] I was going to say the same thing.

[604] I am the same way.

[605] I will never forget.

[606] That's the problem.

[607] I'm an elephant.

[608] I never forget.

[609] I want to have the mind of an aunt.

[610] Just remember moments.

[611] Yeah.

[612] But I cannot.

[613] So what about, what did you go through, Tiffany?

[614] Like, it's your dream, like, after something like, when you do a girl strip and it's just everything explodes for you and you're having, like, you've arrived, and everybody's just talking about this electric performance.

[615] Some people might struggle with that.

[616] Did you struggle?

[617] with that at all?

[618] Were you just ready?

[619] Like, thank you.

[620] I was ready.

[621] I had, I had been planning and plotting.

[622] I don't know if people noticed, but like as soon as girls trip came out, like shortly thereafter, like a month later, my special came out.

[623] And then two months after that, my book came out.

[624] Yep.

[625] And then a month after that, the Carmichael show came back.

[626] Like, I had been plotting and scheming and planning for years.

[627] I love that.

[628] But I didn't know, I knew, I knew my special.

[629] I'm like, whatever movie is the movie, then I'm going to drop my special right after that movie.

[630] I always knew that when I was on the set of girls' trip, like the fourth day, I'm like, I know the chemistry is good.

[631] I don't know if this movie's going to do great, but it'd be a great way for me to drop my special after this because I'm with these four, I mean, well, these three, you know, huge black female stars, like somebody's going to watch that special after this.

[632] And that does, to me, prove that, you know, deep down you really do trust yourself.

[633] You'd been working on this for a long time.

[634] Right.

[635] I had like a, you were like a general with a military plan.

[636] Yeah, and kept losing a lot of battles.

[637] Kept losing a lot of battles, a lot of, got a lot of nose.

[638] But you know what?

[639] You have a great quote on that, which is the rejection is my protection.

[640] And I love that quote of yours because I know exactly what you're talking about, which is, yes, you got a lot of nose and you got a lot of things that didn't go your way.

[641] And you made that work for you.

[642] Like SNL, man, I auditioned so many times.

[643] I just knew I was going to be like, oh, I would be so good on that show.

[644] And they kept telling me no. And I was like, damn, why, why, why?

[645] Why don't they want me?

[646] And then I get to host.

[647] And I'm like, thank you, God, for not letting me work on this show.

[648] Of course.

[649] Because I would have went to jail.

[650] Yeah.

[651] Because I am a control freak.

[652] Like, oh, my ideas aren't being heard.

[653] I would have quit.

[654] I would have, like, I would have, I don't know what I would have did.

[655] I would have not been good, though.

[656] Also, if you could go back and.

[657] time and you could get SNL.

[658] Other things changed too.

[659] Yeah.

[660] So then maybe there is no girls' trip.

[661] Maybe a lot of other things don't happen.

[662] And then the way it worked out, you came back to SNL as a host and win an Emmy for it.

[663] Right.

[664] That's sweeter.

[665] Way sweeter.

[666] It was the most valuable lesson I ever learned, I feel like, besides how to wipe my ass and wash my body, that was one of the most valuable lessons.

[667] Everything that you want is not for you.

[668] and you will get what you need in due time.

[669] Yes.

[670] There's so many movies and TV shows I've auditioned for that, you know, I'm like, I would walk out of that audition.

[671] Like, ah, I killed it.

[672] And I'll find out they give it to somebody else.

[673] And I'm like, what?

[674] What?

[675] And then I say, Tiffany, it's okay.

[676] You got two more auditions tomorrow.

[677] You got three more auditions.

[678] Then I see this show on TV.

[679] And I'm like, well, thank God I wasn't in that because that's a piece of shit.

[680] but also look at it this way what if you get when you're 25 what if you get on a sitcom and you've got a catchphrase and the sitcom does well and everyone knows you as that kooky lady with the catchphrase and then it goes off the air two years later and then you're trying to reinvent yourself reinvent yourself and people say say that line right from silver spoons or whatever no the success that you want sometimes can completely screw you over.

[681] Right.

[682] And you have to learn how to reinvent yourself.

[683] It's so funny because like when I bombed at the Miami show and it was like the only thing they were talking about the New Year's Day.

[684] And it was crazy how like for two, three months everybody's talking about me bombing and Kat Williams is talking shit.

[685] Everybody's talking to shit.

[686] So when I do shoot my special I said, I'm going to make this a focal point.

[687] I'm going to talk about my failure.

[688] My bad day at work because every time I make a mistake, so much from it, and it makes me grow.

[689] When I meet people that are perfect, I'm like, oh, they must be an alien.

[690] Yeah.

[691] Because, or you're hiding fucking kids in a basement or something.

[692] Yeah, and what's more boring than that too?

[693] Yeah.

[694] It's boring.

[695] Like, come on.

[696] So I use it to my vantage, then boom, get a Grammy for that.

[697] How about them potter beans?

[698] You're talking about, I ain't funny.

[699] Cat Williams, where's your motherfucking Grammy, sir?

[700] By the way, Cat Williams.

[701] My favorite.

[702] Yeah.

[703] Cat Williams once canceled on my show like five minutes before the show and so we just thought oh I hope he's okay then we find out from tourists downstairs oh he's been hanging around in the lobby on 30 Rock talking to people and taking pictures and they went wait a minute he's fucking in the lobby and he's having a good time talking to people I actually thought it was very funny it just I don't know at the time I don't even remember being mad And I thought, that is Kat Williams.

[704] Yeah, yeah.

[705] I can't make it too.

[706] Sorry, Conan, I can't make it.

[707] I'm enjoying my fans.

[708] He didn't say what he was doing.

[709] We just heard he can't make it.

[710] And we assumed, oh, he's in the hotel and he's not feeling whatever.

[711] So family, someone died.

[712] No, he's in the lobby, one elevator right away, walking around, shaking hands with people, and taking pictures.

[713] He's enjoying himself.

[714] He's enjoying the fruits of his labor.

[715] Yes.

[716] And he probably had more fun doing that than talking to me on the, late -night Joe.

[717] It would have been hilarious as if you guys would have came down with a camera.

[718] I didn't know.

[719] I didn't know.

[720] I didn't find out till later.

[721] I would have loved that.

[722] That would have been great.

[723] If I could have, if I had have known, I'd have dashed on there with cameras and said, Cat, what are you doing?

[724] And I'm sure he would have been hilarious.

[725] He would have been like, yeah, I didn't want to get on the elevator.

[726] It wasn't my thing.

[727] It was like, it's my fans.

[728] I don't want to leave my fans behind.

[729] If we got to do it with all them around us, he's my people, there's my crew.

[730] And then he could roast on them individually.

[731] But also you know, when you talk about making that decision, there'd be so many people, very highly paid people around you who would say, we move on from this, we don't talk about bombing.

[732] So many people told me not to talk about it.

[733] Don't talk about it.

[734] And you know what?

[735] They're wrong because when you get up there and they say, oh, Tiffany spoke about her bad night and what was going on.

[736] Right.

[737] Suddenly they love you more than they did before.

[738] Right.

[739] Or like how one of my friends was like, I'm not my friend no more, but she was Like, I'm going to destroy you.

[740] I'm going to tell everybody how you slept with this person and that person you did this.

[741] And I was like, bitch, you ain't read my book?

[742] I already talked about it.

[743] I already talked about it.

[744] You're so stupid.

[745] You're so stupid.

[746] Like, I figure if I just talk my truth, just say what it is.

[747] Like, it's like, you can't.

[748] There's no weapon that you can hold against me except for like an actual gun or a spear or something.

[749] Like, you're going to have to choke a shit out of me because I'm going to tell the truth.

[750] I love, you know what I love.

[751] I love someone trying to.

[752] to blackmail you and you get an, you sort of get an anonymous call like, Tiffany Haddish, if you don't give us $100 ,000, we're going to report.

[753] And you go like, oh, no, no, it's on page chapter, it's on chapter eight page 152.

[754] Oh man, somebody tried to hit me, like, we did a, I did an old sketch back in the day.

[755] And the sketch is horrible.

[756] And I did it with another comic.

[757] And it's a horrible sketch.

[758] And now they're trying to like, they're like, I'm going to put it out there that you did this sketch.

[759] And I want to get paid off and you're going to have to give me money.

[760] And I'm like, oh, okay, can you put that in writing?

[761] And I took it right over to, the FBI.

[762] You're trying to blackmail me. That's your extortion, right?

[763] Took that right over to the people.

[764] It's like, I'm not giving up no money for bad art. It was horrible art. Hey, put me in jail.

[765] Fuck it.

[766] Like, what are you going to do?

[767] Are you going to be canceled?

[768] No, nobody can cancel me, but God and myself.

[769] Because there's always going to be, you can say, we're not going to put you on TV anymore.

[770] We're not going to, we're not going to put you on, you're not going to be allowed to perform in live shows anymore.

[771] Okay, cool.

[772] I could work in the Santa Monica Pier, give me an outdoor performance.

[773] license.

[774] I could perform anywhere.

[775] I'll buy me a fucking restaurant and turn that into a venue.

[776] Somebody going to come and see me, though.

[777] Just like it's people that want to go see Bill Cosby right now, which I think is fucking crazy, but I would kind of want to watch the Bill Cosby's fresh out of jail tour.

[778] Is he going back out?

[779] I heard he's going back out.

[780] Somebody was selling it.

[781] And I read about it too.

[782] Like promoters were trying to book him for venues.

[783] And there's like, the woman in me is like, no, don't, don't even partake in that.

[784] Don't pay attention to it.

[785] it at all.

[786] But the comedian in me is like, if he talk about anything in prison, it's probably going to be hilarious.

[787] That's fascinating.

[788] Are you able to, see, this is where we get into the artist versus their behavior.

[789] Like, it has changed me. I don't want to hear him try to be funny.

[790] I don't want to, it has influenced, you know, I can't separate the two, you know, and I don't think I should.

[791] Yeah, but we, but this nation has done it so many times.

[792] You know, we got Jefferson on the money.

[793] Yep.

[794] It's a lot of black.

[795] Jefferson's.

[796] Yeah, it's true.

[797] But that was the nature of the beast then.

[798] That's not somebody I would want to meet.

[799] If I could resurrect people, I wouldn't want to resurrect Thomas Jefferson.

[800] Yeah, but.

[801] That is completely understandable.

[802] Because I'm a friend.

[803] I'm going to try to resurrect Jesus first.

[804] Yeah, Jesus first, then Jefferson.

[805] Yeah.

[806] No, then Michael Jackson.

[807] Elizabeth Taylor, that's somebody else I've always wanted to meet.

[808] Yeah, nobody's perfect, though.

[809] And we all have sins.

[810] We're all, like, imperfect, And I really feel like it's not up to us to judge everybody.

[811] That man did contribute a lot to our society.

[812] A lot of black people went to college because of the shows he created.

[813] A lot of black men are really good fathers because they watched him, you know, on TV.

[814] Well, the appearance of what a good father is.

[815] So, I mean, it's a very hard pill to swallow.

[816] Yeah.

[817] I don't want to swallow.

[818] Yeah.

[819] I don't want to swallow.

[820] I don't care who you are.

[821] What he was doing was just absolutely horrendous.

[822] It's atrocious.

[823] It's disgusting.

[824] And I wonder if it happened to him in jail.

[825] I don't think so.

[826] You don't think they might have got a little of that?

[827] No, I don't think so.

[828] Cosby pudding.

[829] Oh, Jesus.

[830] I don't think they got up in his booty all.

[831] You don't think they got in his booty all?

[832] I just wonder.

[833] I mean, I'll never think of Cosby pudding again.

[834] I had friends in prison.

[835] You know, I dated dope dealers.

[836] And they say when somebody comes to jail for any kind of rape of any sort, that it happens to them.

[837] Yeah, they take care of, they take care of things.

[838] I mean, he did walk a little different when he came out of there.

[839] I just wonder.

[840] I need to stop thinking about it.

[841] It ain't none of my damn business.

[842] It would happen to that man's asshole, but I feel like that's good.

[843] You know, it's funny because I had a list here of things I wanted to ask you.

[844] and number 77 is, what do you think happened to Cosby's asking?

[845] And so I can cross that off.

[846] But could you imagine if there's one guy in jail that's like iPad, that Cosby ass?

[847] And I'm gonna tell you's gross.

[848] He's gonna talk.

[849] I'm sorry, my brain is disgusting.

[850] I'm sorry.

[851] I was a phone sex operator for 30 days.

[852] Oh, really?

[853] A little disgusting, yeah.

[854] Hey, could I make it in that business, phone sex operator?

[855] You would make so much money.

[856] You would make so much.

[857] The men that worked, first of all, we are literally two buildings down from where I worked as a phone sex operator.

[858] Right now.

[859] Yeah, right now.

[860] In this podcast studio.

[861] We're in this studio, right?

[862] Yeah.

[863] But like three, four buildings down on the corner, I worked as a phone sex operator.

[864] It was like a big phone bank situation.

[865] And there were a lot of women that worked there.

[866] Most of them former inmates out of jail.

[867] And at that time, this was like the late 19.

[868] It was 1900s.

[869] It was very hard to get a job once you come out of prison, right?

[870] But it's very easy to get a phone sex operator job.

[871] And there were three dudes that worked there.

[872] They were the top paid people that worked there.

[873] They made the most money on this phone sex operator line.

[874] Some of them would sound like women, make their voice like women.

[875] Someone just make their voice like a regular dude.

[876] And they would be talking to other men.

[877] Oh, so I'd be talking to men.

[878] You'd be talking to men and women.

[879] Okay.

[880] You'd be talking to whoever gets passed in on your line.

[881] Yeah.

[882] You got to be okay.

[883] I'm a pretty good improviser.

[884] I can go with a scenario.

[885] Yeah, you can go with a scenario.

[886] So, like, the caller would call in.

[887] First of all, to get the job, they would have you read a script.

[888] And as long as you could read the whole script, you're good to go.

[889] You don't have to sound super sexy.

[890] It's good if you sound sexy and horny and all that stuff.

[891] But you don't have to sound like that.

[892] Right.

[893] Because I don't think I would never necessarily sound sexy and horny.

[894] I think you sound like it now.

[895] No, I'm constipated.

[896] But that's sexy and horny because you constipated with semen.

[897] See?

[898] You constipated with semen, see?

[899] Right.

[900] I think I would be, and you would probably coach me and I would do great.

[901] Can you make a girl, boys?

[902] Um, yeah.

[903] Perfect.

[904] Yeah.

[905] And we could do like a party line together.

[906] Yeah.

[907] What's your name?

[908] My name's Kara.

[909] Okay, Kara.

[910] My name's Patricia.

[911] Oh, hi, Patricia.

[912] He sounds so hot.

[913] Yes.

[914] Yeah, he's so hot.

[915] We have a caller.

[916] Hey, caller.

[917] Hey, caller.

[918] Hi, hi.

[919] What's your name?

[920] What's your name?

[921] My name's Lance.

[922] Oh, Lance.

[923] You're going to pierce something, are you?

[924] Yeah, do you have anyone there constipated with semen?

[925] Oh, yeah.

[926] I think Kara is constipated.

[927] I'm very constipated because of the semen.

[928] You hear how her voice is trembling?

[929] Yes, because she's so excited.

[930] Yeah.

[931] You sound like you live in Pasadena.

[932] I do, I do.

[933] I would be terrible at this.

[934] No, no, no. Kara, tell them what you look like, Kara.

[935] I'm six, four.

[936] Oh, wow.

[937] Like a model.

[938] I'm five, too.

[939] Yeah.

[940] You can climb her.

[941] Yeah, I have redhead with freckles.

[942] Fire crotch.

[943] Yeah.

[944] Oh, I'm a fireman.

[945] Oh, well, you'll put this fire out, I hope.

[946] Oh, boy.

[947] Kara, tell them how bigger tits are.

[948] Yeah, tell me, Kara.

[949] Kara, I'd love to know how big your tits are because typically I'm a grab, right, sucked left, but I want to tell me. Damn it, we're all working off the same playbook.

[950] But that's how you do it.

[951] Yeah.

[952] Well, you know, I want to make sure I talk about this before we go because this is, we've been messing around a lot and actually talking about, I think, a lot of fascinating stuff.

[953] But the thing that you're doing, and I absolutely love this, you're defined people to figure out what you're going to do next.

[954] You're saying, because it'd be very easy for you to fall into a slot of this is what Tiffany Hadish does.

[955] And with this new film, the card counter, you're saying you're going to see me as an actor.

[956] I think I've invested enough money in acting classes that I can do.

[957] damn near anything.

[958] And I'm not too concerned about what others may think.

[959] Like, oh, I don't know if that's going to work for Tiffany.

[960] I don't know.

[961] Really, I mean, it's very against who she is.

[962] Well, fucker, who I am is one thing.

[963] And my ability to do something else is a whole other thing.

[964] And, like, I'm getting rid of to hit y 'all with some Shakespeare in a many.

[965] I'm going to be talking on these vows and shimilomidens.

[966] I'm learning friends.

[967] I'm learning friends.

[968] French, I'm always going to do stand -up comedy.

[969] I'll be 80 years old, no teeth, because I did so much crack, it's still telling jokes, right?

[970] Well, you love it.

[971] You love an audience so much.

[972] I'm looking forward to doing live shows on Broadway one day, you know.

[973] But I mean, but to me, the fact that you have proven time and time again, and with your latest movie, you're showing people that, no, that it's a completely different skill set, locking eyes with.

[974] Oscar Isaac and doing a scene and making it real and bringing that to life in a completely different atmosphere than the one you came up with.

[975] Right.

[976] It's not easy.

[977] I mean, it is, but it's so, it's not.

[978] Like, I'm so used to doing comedy, right?

[979] When I'm doing drama, I feel a little bit bored because I'm so used to, like, thinking, how can I flip it?

[980] How can I, what can I do to tickle their soul?

[981] How do I penetrate their spirit now?

[982] Because I think that's what comedy is.

[983] You're like tickling someone's soul.

[984] You're sharing a like vibration.

[985] And in drama, I feel like it's like everybody's watching, but we ain't really laughing.

[986] We're just watching.

[987] But I want like everyone to be involved.

[988] So in this movie, it was easy, but it was my ego.

[989] It was hard.

[990] Because my ego wanted to be like, yeah.

[991] Hey, the crew is.

[992] laughing.

[993] Come on.

[994] Let's get the crew laughing.

[995] The crew seems like they're bored as fuck.

[996] Come on, come on.

[997] And it's funny because, like, we would do the scene.

[998] It was like my ego was screaming to say something funny.

[999] Do something.

[1000] This is heavy.

[1001] We're bored, right?

[1002] And I'm sticking to what, you know, Paul Schrader.

[1003] I mean, it's freaking Paul Schrader.

[1004] We're going to do what he asks.

[1005] It's cat people, man. It's my guy, right?

[1006] And I'm sticking to what he wants.

[1007] And then he'll say, cut.

[1008] And I'll wait like a whole long beat.

[1009] And then I'll crack a joke.

[1010] That's for my ego to hear the, just to hear the crew laugh and to also shake that off.

[1011] Sure.

[1012] A little bit.

[1013] And then Oscar's always like, Tiffany, you're like, you're like, Jesus.

[1014] I just want to follow you around.

[1015] I'm like, really?

[1016] Or do I make you horny?

[1017] Probably both.

[1018] Maybe, maybe.

[1019] I don't know.

[1020] I doubt it.

[1021] Adoptal Honey part, but definitely we laughed a lot, in between scenes, in between, because my ego needed that.

[1022] And so I got some, I still got things I got to work on.

[1023] It's something about the sound of laughter for me. That's really my drug.

[1024] Like hearing you laugh today?

[1025] Oh, yeah.

[1026] Oh, man. I'm going to do, I'm just going to make this good for me for like three days.

[1027] Well, that's great.

[1028] You know what I'll do?

[1029] I'll make a recording.

[1030] Really?

[1031] Wait, wait, we're doing it.

[1032] We're doing it.

[1033] You can wake up to it.

[1034] And common will be like.

[1035] Like, turn that fucking thing off.

[1036] But it's like my favorite thing in the world.

[1037] It's 7 .30.

[1038] No, but my alarm used to be babies laughing.

[1039] Oh, that's great.

[1040] That's great.

[1041] That's great.

[1042] It's when I'm really depressed, that's like, that's the way I wake up to get my.

[1043] Because you got to reprogram, man. You got to reprogram.

[1044] Depression is just bad programming.

[1045] Well, I have just, ah, boy.

[1046] I love you too.

[1047] No, I'm serious.

[1048] I love talking to you.

[1049] I love talking to you.

[1050] I love talking to you.

[1051] your energy is infectious.

[1052] I think if I came into this interview with any disease in my body, it's gone now.

[1053] I seriously, if I had one wish, it's that I could get in a time machine and go back to when you were at a low point when you were 15 or 20 and appear before you as a weird, tall, a woman and just tell, no, and just tell you, tell you, everything's going to be so great for you, you know, and then disappear.

[1054] Because I hate, I hate hearing about you being in pain and being afraid and having a hard time when you were young, but I also know that's why you're here and you're so amazing.

[1055] Exactly.

[1056] It made me strong.

[1057] I think growing up, I think your childhood years and teen years are probably the most actual difficult time of your life.

[1058] While somebody's like, oh, my 20s were horrible about it in my 30s.

[1059] But really, I think being a kid is the most difficult time because you have no power.

[1060] You have no power.

[1061] No power to make anything change.

[1062] And no, say, so, no. And I think about that little girl a lot.

[1063] And I just, you know, I celebrate her as much as power.

[1064] And I still cry about it sometimes because, shit, I can't hug me. I mean, I hug me, but I can't go if I could.

[1065] I heard the Catholic Church has a time machine.

[1066] Yes.

[1067] You heard about this time machine?

[1068] No, I haven't heard that specifically, but they have all kinds of stuff at the Vatican.

[1069] I heard there's a time machine there.

[1070] and I've been trying to make friends even though I'm Jewish and I'm still trying to make the right Catholic friends so that I can jump in that time machine.

[1071] Trust me, I'm very Catholic and I will find that time machine for you.

[1072] Let's find it.

[1073] We'll go back and...

[1074] Let's do Conan and Tips' excellent adventure.

[1075] Yeah, we'll get in the time machine, we'll go back and we'll take 12 -year -old Tiffany out for ice cream and we'll show her just how incredibly successful she becomes.

[1076] That 12 -year -old Tiffany will try to fight us.

[1077] she will not fuck with us Okay I'm going to talk with us Well maybe you talk to her first We're going to have to show up She's not going to trust me neither She's going to like Bitch you got them all but I don't trust me She not go trust me What's 12 year old What's 12 year old to do When a 6 foot four Orange -haired man jumps out of like a vortex She's going to be like Are you my social husband Tiffany?

[1078] Tiffany You're an absolute delight and I'm just congratulations on everything.

[1079] I'm so, so, so happy for you, and you deserve everything you have times a million.

[1080] Thank you.

[1081] Hey, Conan, you know at the end of every interview with a guest, we flash you a rap sign usually through the studio window, right?

[1082] That's true, yes.

[1083] That happens because I text Sam, and Sam flashes it to you, but Sam has taken it upon himself to create something rather special to do this.

[1084] instead of holding up a paper.

[1085] So, Sam, take it away.

[1086] Now, normally, when Eve texts me, I stand up and I wave the paper frantically in a way that startles you and the guest.

[1087] Yes, what I will say, and I'm not criticizing you, Sam, because you're just a guy trying to do his job, trying to do what he was told, and probably not giving it a lot of thought.

[1088] Well.

[1089] But anyway, what you've been doing is you write on a giant legal pad in Sharpie, wrap, exclamation point, exclamation point, an exclamation point, and you wave it around as if it's on fire.

[1090] Insanely.

[1091] And what happens is I've noticed the guests think that you're telling me to wrap it because it's too boring.

[1092] It looks like you're saying cut it off, cut it off.

[1093] Whatever subject I wave it on, it seems like that's the offensive.

[1094] Yes, and I look over and I see the light go out of their eyes.

[1095] We lose the momentum.

[1096] They think they failed because someone's clearly telling me, let's cut our losses and get out now.

[1097] Yes.

[1098] Okay, so after the Michael Keaton episode, I went home, rewatch Batman, and see if this resonates with you.

[1099] You would obviously be Batman.

[1100] Gore Lee would be your Robin.

[1101] Son would be your Joker.

[1102] David is either Superman or Jimmy Olson.

[1103] Oh, right?

[1104] Definitely Jimmy Olson.

[1105] Aaron's her two -face.

[1106] Will is a riddler.

[1107] Adam Sachs, who's the guy from Popeye that's always trying to get hamburgers?

[1108] Oh, wimpy?

[1109] Oh, wimpy?

[1110] Yeah.

[1111] And then I would be, Alfred, so I made you a cocoa signal to light up now across the wall there instead of me waving a piece of paper.

[1112] See that light in the sheet?

[1113] shape of your hair.

[1114] When that...

[1115] Where?

[1116] I don't see it.

[1117] Across the wall.

[1118] When that lights up.

[1119] Oh, that!

[1120] Oh, my God!

[1121] Where you can see, but the guest cannot.

[1122] Yes.

[1123] That's time to wrap it up.

[1124] That's perfect.

[1125] Because I can see it, but the guest can't.

[1126] That's correct.

[1127] You have color options, too.

[1128] Ooh.

[1129] There's red.

[1130] It's red.

[1131] And now it's sort of a teal and pink.

[1132] This is fantastic.

[1133] Now, I know you.

[1134] There's green...

[1135] Here's the problem.

[1136] I know you, Sam.

[1137] You're going to turn the light on, and then 30 seconds later, if I'm still in the middle of an amazing anecdote with a huge A -list star, you're going to stand up and start waving your hands frantically and pointing towards the light.

[1138] Even better.

[1139] After that, I can make it pulse.

[1140] Whoa.

[1141] Look at that.

[1142] So that means, like, extremely wrap it up or that you're bombing.

[1143] Oh.

[1144] I love that Batman, when his signal goes off, it's a plea to help the city.

[1145] And yours goes off, it's to please stop talking.

[1146] Yeah.

[1147] My bat signal is stop yapping.

[1148] Please stop coming to Gotham.

[1149] That's a great system.

[1150] And, you know, Sam, I thank you, and I'm sorry if it sounded like I was putting you down earlier.

[1151] You seem like a very bright and capable man who probably, again, as I said before, just was, for some reason, being very thoughtless at a crucial point.

[1152] Yeah, I think that's a good definition to me. Thoughtless at crucial points?

[1153] Yeah.

[1154] I mean, you know, waving a legal pad frantically at Michael Keaton, one of the biggest...

[1155] And you left a piece off.

[1156] It says wrap up per goarly, too.

[1157] No matter what I do, it pins it on, Matt.

[1158] Yeah, it's always nice to put in a little legalisms, per goarly, in tiny letters.

[1159] No, this is great.

[1160] I love your signal, and my eye is always drawn to anything that looks like me, so the fact that it's a Conan caricature that then lights up and pulses is fantastic.

[1161] Yeah, so when you see the shape of your hair light up, it's time, you're needed.

[1162] You know, I do take the rap signal with a grain of salt, because I know that you're just letting me know that about an hour, has gone by.

[1163] Oh yeah, in no way does this mean I think you'll wrap it up.

[1164] Right.

[1165] You should know, but anyone who knows me knows if you've ever been to a party with me and I'm telling a couple of my classic Hollywood tales from behind the scenes and I've had a few glasses of Pino Noir.

[1166] You know that I'm not about to stop talking when it's suggested.

[1167] My only fear now is that Liza, my wife, is going to get one of these and actually get like 15 of them.

[1168] and position them around the house.

[1169] And God forbid, one of my kids gets the remote control for that thing.

[1170] We need to talk to them, Sam.

[1171] We could start selling these things, are you kidding?

[1172] They pay top dollar.

[1173] Yeah, my son is just now, who's 15, is just now realizing that if there's an adult gathering of people are at a table and we're all chatting, that if he comes in and starts selling me out and talking about ways that I've fumbled, bumbled, and stumbled around the house, or in any way been kind of an ass, or a fool, he knows that those kill with house guests.

[1174] They just love it.

[1175] And so he'll come in and start selling me out on those kind of stories, getting huge laughs.

[1176] And I'm just sitting there.

[1177] And it's my son.

[1178] I'm not allowed.

[1179] I guess we're not allowed to hit them anymore.

[1180] You just have to take it.

[1181] Well, that's as good a time as ever to flash the rap signal.

[1182] No, no, no. I want to talk more about.

[1183] The lights on.

[1184] I like hitting children.

[1185] There, I got it out.

[1186] Every time we're free.

[1187] Listeners, you can see this flashing Conan Rapp signal on the Team Cocoa podcast, Instagram.

[1188] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1189] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1190] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1191] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1192] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1193] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1194] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent.

[1195] producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1196] Engineering by Will Beckton.

[1197] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1198] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1199] Got a question for Conan?

[1200] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1201] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1202] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1203] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.