Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hi, Bierke.
[5] Meet Conan and sooner.
[6] Hello, hello.
[7] Very nice to meet you.
[8] Very good to see you.
[9] Am I saying your name correctly, Bierke?
[10] Yes.
[11] Well, Icelanders do love a rolled R, so it's Biarki.
[12] How about this?
[13] Bierreke.
[14] Oh, my God.
[15] Even if that wasn't my name, I'd change it to that.
[16] So tell us, Biareke.
[17] Where are you contacting us from?
[18] I am sitting in Iceland, Reykjavik.
[19] You're in Reykjavik, Iceland?
[20] That's it.
[21] That's fantastic.
[22] I have never been to Iceland, and I've always wanted to go.
[23] I'm serious.
[24] I do travel shows, and I would very much like to go to Iceland, and that was on our list of places to go before COVID shut everything down, but I do hope to go.
[25] Tell me about Reykjavik, Iceland.
[26] What's it like there?
[27] Well, it's mostly dark and cold and windy.
[28] So we've got that going for us, for sure.
[29] Right, okay.
[30] Sold.
[31] So obviously, obviously you work for the tourist bureau.
[32] You've been coming up with the new slogan.
[33] Exactly.
[34] So it's dark, it's windy.
[35] It's obviously very cold because it's, Iceland, and tell me what your life is like.
[36] What's your, you're a young guy or a good -looking young fellow?
[37] What do you do?
[38] What do you do for fun in Reykjavik?
[39] Well, back in the olden days, before the whole corona business, you know, life was pretty good.
[40] These days, it's, what I imagine most people do is stay inside and watch a lot of Netflix.
[41] Yes, yes.
[42] That is how this time will be remembered.
[43] You know, there are all these accounts of the, of the terrible black plague that almost destroyed humanity and what horrors people went through.
[44] And I, I think the predominant memory of this period will be a lot of Netflix.
[45] Netflix and ill. Yeah, exactly.
[46] Hey, very nicely done, Matt.
[47] Oh, boy.
[48] Thank you.
[49] I think they did the same thing during the Black Death as well, just watch a lot of Netflix.
[50] Yes, yes.
[51] Well, then it was minstrels performing shows on Netflix.
[52] Now it's Tiger King.
[53] Yeah, exactly.
[54] So tell us, so I don't know anything about Reykivik, except, does memory serve me correctly?
[55] Is that where Reagan met with Gorbachev?
[56] Was that Reykjavik?
[57] Absolutely, yes.
[58] And I remember, I had just started my career in comedy at the time, and I was working for a show called Not Not Necessary the News, where we had to look at raw news footage to try and see if we could come up with anything funny about it.
[59] And my writing partner and I, Greg Daniels, we would stare at this screen, and I remembered during that summit, we had to watch hours and hours and hours of a locked off shot of that goddamn house where Reagan and Gorbachev met.
[60] And I swear to God, I think for five hours straight, we watched that house in real time to see if anything funny was happening.
[61] And guess what?
[62] Nothing funny happened.
[63] It was a house.
[64] Is it still there?
[65] That must be the big hot spot to go check out, right?
[66] I can tell you, I drive past that house.
[67] house every day on my way to work.
[68] Still, nothing funny is happening.
[69] Still, nothing funny has happened, right?
[70] It's been 35 years since I looked at that footage, and still not a goddamn funny thing has happened.
[71] No, nobody's even slipped outside or anything.
[72] Keep watching.
[73] Something hilarious is going to happen there very soon, I promise you.
[74] Gorbachev is still in there.
[75] Yeah, he can't find the way out.
[76] So, all right, well, okay, lots to talk about.
[77] I don't know.
[78] I have to say, I feel that I'm ignorant here, but.
[79] In Iceland, I don't know much about what happens there, except I've heard there's a lot of drinking in Iceland, which has always intrigued me. Is that fair to say?
[80] Oh, yes, absolutely.
[81] Well, what a lot of people don't really know is that beer, beer was actually outlawed until about 1990, which was when I was born.
[82] Why was beer outlawed?
[83] I don't understand why that would be the case.
[84] It's a fairly innocuous alcoholic beverage compared to others.
[85] Oh, not in the hands of Icelanders.
[86] I can tell you that.
[87] Oh, I see.
[88] Okay.
[89] All right.
[90] So they didn't want you guys.
[91] So what did you guys drink instead of beer?
[92] Well, the thing is, the stronger, the spirits and the clear liquids, those were all still, you could, you could buy those.
[93] They were just so expensive that the quote, unquote, common man couldn't really afford them.
[94] Oh.
[95] So essentially, I think it goes that the logic goes that the, you know, the rich and the powerful they wanted to keep drinking, whereas, It was seen as a bit gauche for the commoners to be drinking.
[96] So they just outlawed beer.
[97] What terrible, terrible leadership you had.
[98] It's completely missing the point of what it means to be alive.
[99] So tell me, what are these spirits?
[100] So what are you drinking?
[101] I'll tell you this.
[102] I've been to, many years ago, I went to Finland, and I have a very strong bond with the people of Finland.
[103] And everywhere I went, they offered me Korskinkova.
[104] And Korskenkova did taste like something you would put in a mig fighter to make it go faster.
[105] It was a powerful, powerful, powerful, powerful alcohol.
[106] Do you have anything like Korskenkova in Iceland?
[107] What do you have?
[108] Absolutely.
[109] We've got something called Brennevin.
[110] Yes.
[111] It's essentially burnt wine.
[112] And it tastes like gasoline.
[113] It just clears you right up.
[114] If you're feeling a bit stuffed, just a drip of it will clear it all up.
[115] So is it technically a wine that someone just put on the stove and burned?
[116] Yeah, I believe so.
[117] A lot of our sort of most traditional drinks and foods are sort of discovered by accident, it feels like.
[118] Like Iceland.
[119] Exactly.
[120] Iceland itself was it totally founded accidentally.
[121] And you have the same thing with all of your foods.
[122] So your drink is burnt wine.
[123] and then your, what is your favorite deal like some turkey that fell on the floor?
[124] A pie that fell off a shelf and smashed is your national dish.
[125] Yeah, it's on the flag, actually.
[126] But no, I can tell you that probably you won't get any more traditional Icelandic than burnt wine and then fermented shark.
[127] Oh, right, I've heard about this.
[128] I did hear about this.
[129] In Iceland, you eat fermented shark.
[130] So what's that all about?
[131] because I'm trying to use find the right word, stupid.
[132] There you go.
[133] That sounds stupid to ferment a shark.
[134] I mean, literally let a shark rot and then start gnawing away at it.
[135] Oh, yeah, even better.
[136] We actually bury it in the ground and let it rot.
[137] Then we dig it back up and eat it for some unknown reason.
[138] Again, this was an accident.
[139] Someone said, well, let's just bury this shark.
[140] We've got plenty of food.
[141] Then realize later, actually, we don't.
[142] Where did I leave that shark?
[143] Well, I think you buried him over there.
[144] Hey, let's dig him up.
[145] Wow, pretty rancid.
[146] Let's start to chomping.
[147] So anyway, I shouldn't have said stupid that was culturally ignorant of me. But also very honest.
[148] You're eating a rotten shark.
[149] Right, yeah.
[150] There's really no defending it, really.
[151] And you wash it down with burnt wine.
[152] Oh, yeah.
[153] Just to really drive home the self -hatred, for sure.
[154] Tell me, what's your social life like?
[155] Again, I don't want to over -stress this, but you're a young man, you're an attractive fellow.
[156] I'm going to keep mentioning how attractive you are.
[157] Oh, thank you so much.
[158] But I'm just so lonely.
[159] No, but what's it like, what's your social life like?
[160] What do young people do?
[161] How do they get together?
[162] And I know we're all going through COVID, but let's forget COVID doesn't exist for a minute, just so I can learn about Iceland.
[163] How big is this country?
[164] How many people live in Iceland?
[165] Well, in sort of the whole entire country, we've got probably roughly 350 ,000 people.
[166] I thought you were about to say 350 people.
[167] Yeah, they're all outside my door right now.
[168] You're all fighting over the same rancid shark.
[169] So, 350 ,000, that is very, you have a very small population.
[170] Oh, yeah.
[171] And here in Reykjavik, the capital, it's about 170 ,000 at most.
[172] So the dating pool is pretty shallow, you could say.
[173] Uh -huh.
[174] Meaning the people you meet are very shallow.
[175] They don't have.
[176] Is that what you mean?
[177] Or you meant, no, it's just there's not a lot of people to meet.
[178] How do you, do you have apps the way we have apps?
[179] Oh, sure.
[180] I mean, Tinder, thankfully I haven't had to sort of dip my toe in the pool for quite a while.
[181] But there's Tinder.
[182] But let's say the selection isn't that varied?
[183] It couldn't be.
[184] No. You must be, you probably swipe like five different faces and then you're back at the first person again.
[185] Exactly, exactly.
[186] Like, you again.
[187] I swiped you 20 minutes ago.
[188] Does your own profile come up as someone to date sometimes?
[189] Yeah, during COVID for sure.
[190] Yeah.
[191] Have you ever dated yourself?
[192] And how did that go?
[193] It didn't end very well.
[194] I used to have hair, but that...
[195] Right, exactly.
[196] You found that you were incompatible with yourself.
[197] Exactly.
[198] Okay, this is a delicate question, but you're a small country, not a lot of people, and there's dating.
[199] How do you avoid running into people who maybe share your genetic material?
[200] Well, we do actually have an app for that as well.
[201] Seriously.
[202] Are you serious?
[203] I am.
[204] Well, the thing about Icelanders is that we're big into genealogy.
[205] So there's essentially a website called the Book of Icelanders, where you can.
[206] can track your forefathers quite a ways into the past.
[207] Is it just one tree?
[208] Yeah.
[209] It's one.
[210] It's, yeah, everybody's first cousins.
[211] It grows from fermented shark, yeah.
[212] Right.
[213] So, so you can go on this dating app and it will tell you, uh -uh, not a good idea, right?
[214] Yeah, you can essentially type in a person's name and you can see just how related you are.
[215] God.
[216] Wow.
[217] What is this app called?
[218] Does it have a fun name?
[219] Like, watch out?
[220] We're not great at marketing, we're not great at marketing, but it's just the book of Icelanders.
[221] You need a much catchier title than that.
[222] You need to come up with something.
[223] I mean, that's why I'm here.
[224] Just about legal.
[225] Now the app is just called.
[226] Almost legal.
[227] Uh -oh.
[228] It's one of those things where, you know, you'd really rather want to know, first of all.
[229] Guess what?
[230] I'm going to tell you something.
[231] You know where they could have used this app?
[232] Ireland.
[233] Okay?
[234] Because don't get me started.
[235] You know, we've, that's a relatively small population on an island.
[236] And I think, Sona, you can attest that many of my problems, both physical and mental, may be attributed to the fact that there was some replication of genetic material along the line.
[237] I mean, it would explain a lot.
[238] It would explain a lot.
[239] How else can you maintain 100 % of anything.
[240] Yes, I am 100 % I've said this before, but I am 100 % genetically pure Irish, which even people in Ireland can't achieve that level of purity.
[241] And that was just all of us moving into one house in Worcester, Massachusetts in like 1860 and not leaving.
[242] I don't know why I'm laughing.
[243] It's really tragic.
[244] But sometimes we laugh because we can't cry.
[245] And literally, that's another thing.
[246] Genetically, I can't cry.
[247] So lots of things to talk about there.
[248] So that's great.
[249] I'm glad that you guys are addressing that issue.
[250] And Bjarki, am I saying it right?
[251] You get full marks.
[252] Absolutely.
[253] You're actually a lot closer than most.
[254] Yeah.
[255] Thank you.
[256] As is common in your country.
[257] Wait, I have a question, Biarki.
[258] Yes, please.
[259] Don't show off that you're doing it better than me. Oh, sorry, I don't even have a question.
[260] I just wanted to say your name.
[261] Isn't there something where when you take the name of your parents, you take their first name and not their last name?
[262] Or am I getting that wrong?
[263] That is exactly right, actually.
[264] I think you're also, I'm sorry, I think you're thinking of The Hobbit.
[265] Oh, I often am.
[266] Isn't your name Oaken Shield?
[267] Oh, God, I wish.
[268] Your Fergon Oak and Shield I will say actually So my father's name is Swanthor That's cool It's pretty cool when I say it out loud So that's both elegant and brutal Exactly That's Iceland in a nutshell right there Swanthor So my name actually comes out to Bjarki Swanthorson So you're the son of Svantz Swanton Exactly right So every generation has a different last name Yes my child my hypothetical future child would be Bjarka's son.
[269] Wow, that is so cool.
[270] Have you ever been in a bar?
[271] I would love that.
[272] I would love to see you being in a bar and you're just downing your, what was it called, Grip -grap?
[273] And I made very little attempt to learn it.
[274] But you're there and you're drinking in a bar and a menacing figure kicks the door open and says, I look for swanthor.
[275] And then you stand dramatically and say, I, I be swanthor.
[276] Has that ever happened?
[277] Son of swanthor.
[278] Yeah, that's true.
[279] Oh, that's a Tuesday for us, yeah.
[280] We usually, we haven't opened doors with our hands in ages.
[281] We just kick them all down.
[282] Yeah, you just kick them open.
[283] Oh, yeah.
[284] And also, and by the way, in my scenario, he's just looking for you because there's a UPS package.
[285] It needs a signature.
[286] Yeah, a signature need I. He's a pirate.
[287] Yeah.
[288] And you say, a signature, I give.
[289] Swanthor son says me. Okay, this got really bad.
[290] I'm so sorry.
[291] I think I'm burning bridges left and right.
[292] Don't tell me you're just drinking water right now.
[293] You just took a swig of something.
[294] Yeah, no, this is pure Brennevin.
[295] Nice, that's great.
[296] Oh, yeah, keeps the cold out.
[297] Well, how can I help you?
[298] I'm so glad that you are listening to our nonsense all the way in Reykjivik, and I would like very much to visit you one day.
[299] I think it would be fun to have a friend, yourself, show me around Iceland.
[300] Oh, I'd love to take you to the penis museum, to an act of volcano.
[301] Penis Museum.
[302] Oh, yeah.
[303] I was going to say volcano, but Sona, of course, went right to penis museum.
[304] You have a penis museum.
[305] Yes, we do.
[306] Well, phallological museum, if you want to get technical about it.
[307] We don't.
[308] We don't.
[309] Yeah.
[310] Yeah.
[311] I think Conan would prefer that.
[312] Yeah.
[313] Sona wants to call it the dickhouse.
[314] So tell me, it's all these would be animal penises I'm hoping all but one yeah oh okay who's the unlucky guy it's a hobbit yeah talk about it having to make a donation to a museum well this is a guy who actually yeah he had been lobbying for quite a while before he passed that he would be the first to grace the halls if you will of the penis museum yeah otherwise there's about 200 penises is in there, so there's something for everyone.
[315] Can you imagine if there was ever an explosion at the penis factory?
[316] And I'm sorry, but cocks were just raining down from this.
[317] Well, I'm sorry!
[318] And they were sticking in the ground that was ice, you know, like falling like icicles and people were running, screaming.
[319] The shadows coming on the ground?
[320] They have umbrellas that are protecting them from the dicks that are funny.
[321] I always carry a dick umbrella.
[322] It's raining men.
[323] You can actually...
[324] Quite literally.
[325] You can get one of those at the...
[326] the gift shop too.
[327] Yes, I'm sure they can.
[328] No, they never should have put the fireworks factory next to the Dick Museum.
[329] That was the biggest mistake they ever made.
[330] Cablam, everyone get out your cock umbrellas.
[331] Thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa.
[332] Come on.
[333] And I'm just standing there smiling, glad I came prepared.
[334] And that sound effect came to you very fast.
[335] Fwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, thwapa, God.
[336] Um, well, you didn't call into a smart podcast, that's for sure.
[337] Bjorki, and I'm saying that name, I think, better than Matt Gourley.
[338] Biarki.
[339] Bjarki.
[340] No, more R. Biarrque.
[341] Birke.
[342] Birke.
[343] Do you have, do you have a query for me, a question?
[344] Is there any way I can help you?
[345] Yes.
[346] Absolutely.
[347] I am actually, let's say I'm here as a sort of an emissary for Iceland, because I, I am, like many people around the world, growing tired of our leadership.
[348] So I was hoping you could tell me Conan O 'Brien how life in Iceland would improve under your, let's say, despotic rule.
[349] Thank you.
[350] Well, first of all, I love your assumption, which is correct, that when I rule it is with total authority, with an iron fist, if you will.
[351] I must have, that's my deal with the world.
[352] If you're interested in me taking over your country, I'm not going to be some.
[353] prime minister who's quibbling and quabbling with various parliaments.
[354] I'm not interested in the democratic process.
[355] I must rule with absolute authority.
[356] And so what's to be done then?
[357] I think the first thing that needs to be done is we need to move the fireworks factory away from the penis museum.
[358] I'm writing this down.
[359] That I would do on the first absolute first day.
[360] Second of all, I think it would probably be a good idea to start importing people with different genetic material into the country, you know?
[361] Encouraging people to come, visit Iceland and procreate.
[362] That's the kind of advice I would give to people.
[363] Come to Iceland.
[364] Come for the fine hotels and the beautiful burnt wine.
[365] Stay to create a more diverse genetic pool.
[366] That would be my campaign for the country.
[367] And I would do all I could to make sure that people came.
[368] Very good.
[369] And that's what I would want.
[370] We haven't done the Monarch thing in a while, so I'm all for it.
[371] I'm going to, you know, I'm going to submit this to our parliament.
[372] Nice.
[373] Conan, I think you would thrive in Iceland because it's cold and dark.
[374] Well, first of all, I do love, I shouldn't be living in Los Angeles because I love darkness.
[375] I don't like the sun.
[376] I like cold weather because I get to wear cool, furry jackets.
[377] I would like to wear a jacket.
[378] I'd like a jacket made of animal hides, you know?
[379] Just a big kind of Viking jacket.
[380] And I would stroll around and I would have a staff with a stuffed penis at the tip.
[381] And I would rule with an iron authority.
[382] And my rule would be law.
[383] I can hear the fan art happening already.
[384] Yeah, exactly.
[385] Oh, yeah, exactly.
[386] And I would live in that house where Gorbachev met with Reagan and I would insist that a funny visual gag happen every 10 minutes outside the house and I would arrange for it to happen.
[387] So see, there's just some of the things that are going to happen when I come to Reykjavik and take my rightful place as ruler of that great land and you, you will be my right hand.
[388] Amazing.
[389] It would be my honor.
[390] Well, yeah, and also you have to.
[391] That's true.
[392] You have no choice.
[393] You know, it was a thrill talking to you.
[394] You seem like a very nice guy, a very funny guy, and very fortunate to have you as a listener.
[395] to our foolish podcast.
[396] And seriously, I would like to meet you in person.
[397] I'm going to get to Iceland come hell or high water.
[398] I'm going to do it.
[399] I'll be here.
[400] Thank you so much.
[401] All three of you.
[402] Yeah.
[403] Very nice talking to you.
[404] Have a great day.
[405] Thanks.
[406] Or eternal night, whichever comes first.
[407] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[408] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[409] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[410] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco.
[411] and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[412] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[413] Supervising producer Aaron Blaird.
[414] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[415] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.
[416] Engineered by Will Bechton.
[417] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[418] This has been a Team Coco production.
[419] in association with Stitcher.