Adam Driver Live at the Brooklyn Academy of Music

[0] Fallers here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pants, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[1] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Coney.

[2] Oh, my God.

[3] This is the New York Comedy Festival.

[4] We are thrilled to be part of it.

[5] Very cool to have you here.

[6] Thanks for being here.

[7] Did you buy that shirt or make that shirt?

[8] Want to come up here and show everyone what you're wearing?

[9] Guess let this one on a hand.

[10] What is your name?

[11] I'm Crystal.

[12] Okay, Crystal, look at this shirt.

[13] Do you know what it's like for me to come out here?

[14] And performing is all about confidence, you know?

[15] And you come out here, and the first thing I see is this lovely, lovely woman, but her shirt is me at a very confusing, difficult time in my life.

[16] Look at that bowl haircut.

[17] My mom had a Sears and Roebuck haircutting kit.

[18] There were six of us.

[19] She would line us up and she would go by and she would cut straight across.

[20] Every time you bend over, it looks like I'm being crushed.

[21] Who didn't?

[22] There's empty seats right up front.

[23] Who are these people?

[24] One is your friend that couldn't make it?

[25] Who wants to move down up front?

[26] This is fucking bullshit.

[27] Last row.

[28] Astro!

[29] Come on, let's go.

[30] Two of you, both of you.

[31] Come on.

[32] Let's go.

[33] Bullshit.

[34] Okay, you there.

[35] Come on down.

[36] You guys there and there.

[37] Your friend didn't come.

[38] This sold out instantly this show.

[39] People really wanted to be here.

[40] What's happened?

[41] What happened?

[42] She broke two of her toe.

[43] I thought you said she broke two of her nose.

[44] She broke two of her toes.

[45] You can still sit in a seat.

[46] Anyone else?

[47] We need someone else down here.

[48] We got to fill these seats right here.

[49] These are seats up front.

[50] I'm a very attractive man. You, come on up here.

[51] This guy, and is that a Star, Star Wars shirt?

[52] Okay, forget it.

[53] I'm kidding.

[54] I'm kidding.

[55] Just that.

[56] God damn it.

[57] This show sold out so fast.

[58] And then this person didn't come because I broke my tongue.

[59] You don't even know, did she, what are you doing right now?

[60] Are you calling her?

[61] Call her.

[62] What's her name?

[63] It's unbelievable.

[64] What is her name?

[65] Veronica.

[66] Oh man, she's on my shit list now.

[67] You're calling her right now?

[68] If she's in a club right now, I'm going to lose it.

[69] If she's seeing another comedian, this is it.

[70] There's no show tonight.

[71] Put her on speaker.

[72] Veronica, are you there?

[73] Hello?

[74] Can you hear me?

[75] Okay, Veronica, I walk out here to this Brooklyn Academy of Music, which is a sold -out show that's sold out in seconds.

[76] And what do I see right away, an empty seat up front?

[77] And your friend, who's wearing, by the way, a very disturbing shirt of me when I was an 11 -year -old girl.

[78] And what happened to you?

[79] Tell us all.

[80] Tell us what happened.

[81] I basically broke my two toes, and then I had some complications.

[82] I literally just got released at the hospital like today.

[83] This is taking a turn.

[84] This is taking a turn I did not foresee.

[85] I was like, why can't she be here?

[86] So I've broken a toe.

[87] I always break my toes.

[88] I break a toe every day.

[89] And now it turns out you had complications, and you were just released from the hospital today?

[90] Yeah, I just got out today.

[91] I'm so sorry.

[92] I should have been there today.

[93] Look, I can't.

[94] I can't talk much longer.

[95] I've got a show to do.

[96] And you're clearly high on some pain meds.

[97] Veronica, did they give you pills?

[98] Did they give you pain pills?

[99] Veronica, wake up!

[100] Wake up, Veronica!

[101] I'm trying!

[102] I'm trying!

[103] Okay, okay, Veronica, I'm gonna let you go now.

[104] I hope you get better soon, all right?

[105] Okay?

[106] Bye, Veronica.

[107] That was absolutely fantastic.

[108] I love that.

[109] I wanted to quickly mention, you are an amazing crowd.

[110] We did a show last night.

[111] I love that crowd.

[112] you are much better than them already.

[113] And I'll tell you something else.

[114] So much so that now I hate last night's crowd.

[115] But we did have people coming from all over.

[116] It was insane.

[117] We had someone who flew from Tokyo to be here.

[118] Yes.

[119] And then we had someone else, another couple that flew from England to see this show.

[120] That felt like a lot of pressure.

[121] And I asked them afterwards, what do you think?

[122] And they said, not worth it.

[123] Then I talked to a couple that lives like three blocks from here.

[124] They said not.

[125] I'm kidding.

[126] Everyone seemed to have a good time, but we're going to have a blast tonight.

[127] I think you're going to have a good time.

[128] Thank you so much for being here.

[129] You know, I don't do this podcast alone.

[130] This podcast has been a great gift for me. We started doing it five years ago, and it's one of the most enjoyable things I think I've done in my entire career.

[131] I absolutely love it.

[132] and I do it not alone as much as I'd like to do it alone and I've tried to fire them but I guess there's a contract no I love these two let's get them out here right now Sonom of Sessia and Matt Gourley Again, four seats right here what's happening what's happening you two guys that are hugging each other come forward come forward stop hugging each other and come forward what are you doing We have four seats right here.

[133] This is bullshit.

[134] You're still sitting practically up front.

[135] What's your problem?

[136] You're so close to the front.

[137] What's that?

[138] Okay, two of you come forward.

[139] Jesus Christ.

[140] Look at the shit I have to do.

[141] At this stage in my career, we took care of some major shit before you came out.

[142] Yeah, man. We heard you berating a sick girl back stage.

[143] Is she really sick?

[144] Let's think about it.

[145] I mean, she broke some toes, and then I guess there were complications.

[146] We don't know what that is.

[147] I mean, it could be an infection.

[148] Thanks, Sona.

[149] You're really helping.

[150] But she sounds much better now.

[151] High as a kite.

[152] Okay.

[153] Sounds nice.

[154] I don't know about you, but I have, I told the crowd last night, I used to live in Williamsburg in another lifetime a long time ago, like during the Civil War.

[155] a million years ago and I don't get back to Brooklyn that much and so I have been walking everywhere around here talking to people I love it I just I love the vibe here it's making me think why didn't they come back to Brooklyn earlier because I love it so much great vibe people are so good looking everyone's I mean the ladies the fellas all of them everyone's really good looking they're all very well dressed everyone's got a cup of coffee that costs like $900 and their kids have weird names that are just made up I have to say it's been great have you guys been enjoying Brooklyn have you been like checking it out?

[156] Well I'm not going anywhere I don't know what it is I've been in my hotel room and then I came here and then I went back to my hotel room and then I came back here Wait you've stayed in your hotel room the whole time you've been here The whole day.

[157] The whole day.

[158] Why?

[159] I don't know.

[160] I get to my room and I'm just like, there's a bed and then there's a TV.

[161] So I watched, like, I watched the office.

[162] I watched friends.

[163] These are all reruns.

[164] They're all shows that are like 50 years old.

[165] I watched, and I watched Deadpool, too, on, like, basic cable.

[166] Is this because Sonia and I are both from Southern California and, oh.

[167] Oh, one woo.

[168] Sona, you came to New York with me the first time.

[169] I'll never forget this.

[170] You've been working with me for just a couple of months, and we came to New York together, and you flipped out, and you said, I hated here.

[171] And then I said, why don't you just get in a cab and go back to your hotel room, and you said, get in a cab, I'm not going to sit in a seat that other people have sat on.

[172] That's what she said.

[173] That's a quote.

[174] What the fuck are you talking about?

[175] Why are you telling a New York crowd that I'm scared of their city?

[176] Why are you doing that?

[177] But what would scare you about a seat that someone else sat on?

[178] That's just, I mean, come on.

[179] Okay, they didn't just sit on it.

[180] They, like, jizzed on it.

[181] You and I have different concerns about New York.

[182] Yes.

[183] There's jizz everywhere.

[184] No, there's not.

[185] What?

[186] What are you walking around with a blue light?

[187] What are you doing?

[188] Yes, everyone's bleeding everywhere.

[189] They're all, like, spitting.

[190] Okay, I'd like to distance myself from this opinion.

[191] I don't have this problem with New York.

[192] Right.

[193] And I don't know what you think people are doing in cabs, but, and I think, yes, has that happened?

[194] Yeah, they're fucking.

[195] No, they're not.

[196] Yeah, no. They're not.

[197] No, there's like, no, that's not happening a lot.

[198] Okay.

[199] So certainly, I never did it.

[200] I used to get on that horse that takes you around, like, you know, the park.

[201] That's where you do?

[202] I'd do the deed there.

[203] The clipclop of horses, it's very erotic to me. Even right now, I'm getting aroused.

[204] Oh.

[205] Come on.

[206] You can.

[207] do it um i don't want to get up here um would you do that carriage ride with someone else or were you by yourself i was by myself okay that makes sense i'd be like ah you can do it not gonna that's what my penis says to me not gonna oh yeah oh people are clapping not gonna don't wanna scared stay in the hotel room yeah um well that's wasted on you this city the city's wonderful you should get out and explore it.

[208] It's beautiful.

[209] I know.

[210] I know.

[211] I get intimidated.

[212] I really do get intimidated.

[213] I get a little scared.

[214] And so I just stay in my hotel room.

[215] I'm a loser.

[216] Well, I wouldn't say you're a loser.

[217] I'd say you're a very sad person who will never win, but not a loser.

[218] Thanks.

[219] That's okay.

[220] I'm just curious, did anyone come from someplace really far away?

[221] Because last night's crowd, okay, let's do this.

[222] Yes, where you from?

[223] You're from where?

[224] You're from Bulgaria?

[225] Oh.

[226] Are you here on other business, or did you come all the way from Bulgaria just to see this show.

[227] Don't lie.

[228] Okay, no. No, no, no, no, no. I study.

[229] That doesn't count.

[230] There are people from Denmark here.

[231] I know that.

[232] Oh, he's standing up.

[233] I love that.

[234] He said there's someone from Denmark here, and this man shot up.

[235] It's his eye.

[236] Hamlet the Dame.

[237] I am Grider.

[238] He's holding an exotic cheese.

[239] You're from Denmark?

[240] And did you come here just for this, and don't say, no, I also live here, and I was wandering by, and there was a bunch of empty seats in the front row, because that's humiliating.

[241] Wow.

[242] Come here, I'm going to give this man a hug.

[243] I'm giving this man a hug.

[244] Give me this man a hug.

[245] And what is your name, sir?

[246] Christopher.

[247] Okay, I wish it was something kind of fun, but it's not.

[248] That's my middle name.

[249] I was hoping it was like Greigrur, and it had like umlouts on it.

[250] Unfortunately, no. I have a very silly, I thought, oh, you'd have wooden shoes.

[251] I didn't know, it was, and now I'm just disappointed.

[252] Guess what?

[253] There's an empty seat right there, and it's yours if you wanted.

[254] Do you want it?

[255] I definitely do, thank you.

[256] Are you here with anyone else?

[257] I'm here alone.

[258] Whoa!

[259] Right there.

[260] You've been, give him this seat.

[261] Oh, come on.

[262] But I want to call you Grigor, is that okay?

[263] You can call it.

[264] Grigor right here.

[265] For the next two minutes.

[266] Yes.

[267] It's so nice to meet you.

[268] Welcome.

[269] I can't call you Christopher.

[270] It just takes the whole fun.

[271] Look how self -assured this guy is.

[272] You've been in show business for like 30 seconds.

[273] And you're like, let's move it along, Conan.

[274] Grigor doesn't have time to waste.

[275] I'm generally just going to call myself Grigor from now on.

[276] I'm so, you know, we can't let you have that seat the whole night, but you'll be there for another minute or two.

[277] Don't get too comfortable.

[278] Then you're going back to that seat right there.

[279] Did you think this is going to happen when you flew here from Denmark?

[280] I had no anticipation that this was ever going to happen, no. This is guaranteed for anybody that comes from Denmark from here on out, this will happen.

[281] This is our promise to Denmark.

[282] I will go back to my country, tell my people that this is what happens when you go to Brooklyn.

[283] I love that you are the spokesperson for your people.

[284] Like you're going to get off the airport, and everyone from Denmark is just going to be there.

[285] And you're going to walk up to a microphone.

[286] It is true.

[287] If we go to Brooklyn, we can sit with Conan.

[288] Yay!

[289] They will all cheer and wave the Danish flag around.

[290] Yes, they will.

[291] Yeah.

[292] This is...

[293] I love this.

[294] This is fantastic.

[295] Well, unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

[296] I love you, Christopher.

[297] You're a great man. I love all three of you.

[298] Well, just me. Dream can true.

[299] Let's keep the eye on the prize here, Christopher.

[300] I put you in that seat, and I can take you out, and I will.

[301] Christopher, thank you so much and please tell all the people of your beautiful country that they're always welcome at my show if I happen to see them and call them up.

[302] I mean, honestly, you should come visit.

[303] You have loads of fans of them.

[304] I will.

[305] I will come to visit.

[306] What about us?

[307] What's that?

[308] Us?

[309] Those flights are expensive.

[310] I will gladly show you around if you can visit.

[311] Really?

[312] Yes.

[313] All right, I'll do it.

[314] It's a deal.

[315] Back to your seat there, Christopher or Gregor.

[316] God, look at him.

[317] You have to give the microphone back Don't let him leave with the microphone Take the microphone back Man The Danish people Yeah The Danish people are known microphone thieves Well look at this guy returning his jacket That's nice too You know I think we should probably move along now Because we should get on with the real The meat of the show This is nice, this was really fun I'm excited And so I think we should all just get into a nice quiet space and we should yeah I just a quiet space you know you know no no just relaxed and calm and I think we should maybe dim the lights and I think maybe it's time to bring out our mystery guests let's do that now my name is Adam driver I'm here on behalf of the people of cry gore and the land which we represent and I'm thrilled to be Conan o 'brien's friend wow are we honored to have you this is amazing this is absolutely amazing.

[318] People are just, people just lost it when they realized that you were coming on the show.

[319] That's got to feel good.

[320] Yeah, no, it's out of body.

[321] It's very nice.

[322] It's very nice.

[323] Yeah.

[324] Now I'm going to put everyone to sleep.

[325] No. No, I am so thrilled that you could do the show.

[326] I've been a massive fan of yours for a long time.

[327] And this was absolutely when I found out that you were going to come do this, it just blew me away.

[328] And I know you're a Brooklyn guy.

[329] Yeah.

[330] Yeah, yeah, just down the street.

[331] Yeah, okay.

[332] Somewhere.

[333] We won't get specific.

[334] I'll come by after the show.

[335] I just invited myself.

[336] Thank you so much for being here.

[337] And like I said, it's so funny because I don't know you.

[338] I'd met you once before when you were doing a panel for a movie and I met you.

[339] But I've loved your work.

[340] And then I've always thought, I don't know, there's something that I kind of identify.

[341] I can identify with you a little bit.

[342] Yeah, where's this going?

[343] How could you put you?

[344] We're both leading men.

[345] You're a following man. No, what I meant was, I know that I've read things about you and you've said that you kind of felt like not comfortable in yourself, you know, being tall.

[346] Do you know what I mean?

[347] I've read interviews with you and I've thought, wait a minute, I know what that's like, only it seems to have worked out so much better for you.

[348] How do you explain that?

[349] How would explain being tall?

[350] Yeah, no. Damn it, you wise ass.

[351] No, it's awful.

[352] But did you, it took you a while to be comfortable in yourself.

[353] Do you think that's fair?

[354] Oh, totally.

[355] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[356] But I was tall in my school.

[357] It's hard to find clothes.

[358] Nothing fucking fit.

[359] No, you can't fit in any cars, you know?

[360] Right.

[361] I used to, I couldn't find pants because my legs are furiously long.

[362] And there was a whole period in like the late 1970s where my pants came to like halfway down my shin.

[363] And I had that bull haircut.

[364] And I was just humiliated all the time.

[365] This woman's wearing, don't laugh at me when I was a child.

[366] I feel so bad for that kid.

[367] No, you're describing it backstage when I see it's bright.

[368] It's noticeable.

[369] Thanks, pal.

[370] Sorry, sorry.

[371] I agree.

[372] That's a terrible show.

[373] But do you have the experience of, because you were told, people assumed you were an athlete?

[374] Yeah, especially in Indiana.

[375] If you're in Indiana, you have to play basketball.

[376] And how did that work out for you?

[377] It was terrible.

[378] Actually, I played in junior high, but I was on the A team and it was really bad.

[379] But then when they put me on the B team, I was really good because I knew it didn't count.

[380] So then I turned into Jordan on the B team.

[381] But on the A team, it was just a mess.

[382] Plus, they also had to buy those Nike tear away pants.

[383] And we couldn't afford them.

[384] So I was the only asshole running around the gym, you know, because you would run around the gym before the game started.

[385] and it was just the one guy too tall to get the Nike tearaway pants because we couldn't afford it.

[386] I mean, that's not why my game was so bad.

[387] It was just a...

[388] I would have blamed the pants if I were you.

[389] I totally would have said, these pants, they restrict me. Otherwise, I'd dunk.

[390] Did you play basketball?

[391] I had that, too.

[392] Well, no, because I was 6 -4, and people would say, oh, you must be a great basketball player, but the height came suddenly, like, very late.

[393] I grew tall, very late in the game, literally overnight.

[394] Really, right.

[395] Like, after college.

[396] And, uh, no, that's just stupid.

[397] Come on.

[398] Um, but I did.

[399] I got, and so, and then I was very uncoordinated for, I mean, until, till the current day.

[400] So we were talking, I think also a symptom of being tall as if you were in any way neutral, people, because you're tall and most people aren't, they, they think you're mad when actually you're, we were talking about this little bit backstage.

[401] I'm like, no, I'm mad.

[402] I'm fine.

[403] You get this a lot because.

[404] Well, you probably get a lesson I do because people know you're so good at playing such intense roles.

[405] I've always been, you know, smiley guy.

[406] And so when I'm neutral, like, just walking around Brooklyn, just with a neutral expression, people are like, hey, Conan, come on, be happy.

[407] Why aren't you dancing around like a clown?

[408] I'm like, I'm fine.

[409] I'm just, you know, I am a real person.

[410] No, when I walk around Brooklyn and people are like, that fits.

[411] He looks mad.

[412] That's what I assume.

[413] So you have a hard time blending in, I would think.

[414] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[415] I've tried things.

[416] I've tried hats.

[417] I've tried hoodies on hats, under hats, you know, almost blankets.

[418] And people still...

[419] I think when you put a blanket over you and you walk around, people are going to look.

[420] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[421] So now I don't do anything.

[422] I just like, oh, fuck it.

[423] This is me. That's a good way to be.

[424] Yeah, yeah.

[425] One of the things that I read about you, and I don't know if it's true, but is that when you were young, you went through this period.

[426] I don't know if you want to call it a rebellious period or what, but you started a fight club.

[427] Because you saw the movie Fight Club and you're like, I'm going to do that.

[428] Totally, yeah, yeah.

[429] Guess what?

[430] I saw the movie Fight Club.

[431] Was not inspired to start a fight club.

[432] So what happened?

[433] Did you really do it?

[434] Yeah, there's a friend of mine named Noah Peacock who had a house behind like an event space called Celebrations Unlimited.

[435] It's on the corner of Laurel Street.

[436] Wow.

[437] Okay, we're doing an ad now.

[438] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[439] It's since burned to the ground.

[440] And there was a field behind celebrations Unlimited, and we would get together with our friends or people who were riding by on their bikes, and we would fight them.

[441] Wait, it sounds like that's a mugging.

[442] If someone's just going by on their bike and they have not entered the fight club, that's just a random attack.

[443] Yeah, we'd take their loose cash.

[444] That's not a fight club.

[445] Take their bike and they go.

[446] We'd fight each other.

[447] you, and were there rules?

[448] Did you guys have certain rules so you wouldn't get hurt?

[449] Yeah, don't hitting in the balls.

[450] And I think that was pretty much it.

[451] That's the only rule.

[452] But it was also, you know, it was the Mishawaka, Indiana.

[453] There wasn't a, you know, it's not a cultural hub.

[454] But it's a, so there's not really much to do other than go to the video store, rent movies and beat the shit out of each other.

[455] What movies did you watch?

[456] You were renting like VHS movies?

[457] Yeah, every time.

[458] I'm a fight club, was one of them.

[459] But all of the movies.

[460] that I, you know, like, that were a big influence on me, that, you know, Jim Jarmish movies, you know, Scorsese, you know, every, everything, a mode of our movies.

[461] One of the things that I find really admirable about you is you're, you've had a lot of success, you're incredibly talented, but like a lot of people, it didn't come quickly, it didn't happen easily.

[462] You, you kept at it.

[463] You wanted to go and study acting.

[464] You knew at a fairly early age, that's something you wanted to do.

[465] Yeah, I knew I was in high school and I did a play, and then I, you know, I loved it.

[466] It was like, it was Oklahoma.

[467] It was the first play that I did in high school.

[468] Yeah.

[469] Curly.

[470] Oh, yeah.

[471] No, I wasn't curly.

[472] I was in the, I was in the cast.

[473] I had the chorus.

[474] I had one line.

[475] I said, check his heart.

[476] That was my line.

[477] And I was hooked.

[478] But you killed it.

[479] You nailed it.

[480] Yeah, yeah.

[481] And then I knew that Juilliard didn't check grades.

[482] So I applied to Juilliard.

[483] And everyone else seemed to check grades.

[484] And I got, and I got rejected.

[485] I didn't get it.

[486] It's a terrible story.

[487] But they're going to be more like this.

[488] But it's inspirational because you then you try to go out to L .A., I think, right?

[489] Yeah, that's right.

[490] Then I put all my shit in my car.

[491] I had like a 1990 Lincoln Town car that I was a hammy.

[492] I put everything in the back of the car.

[493] As soon as I turn 18, my parents are like, you're moving to the back of the house.

[494] You have to pay rent.

[495] You have to have your own fridge.

[496] You have to make all your own shit.

[497] And I put all of that in the back of this car.

[498] So it was my mini -fridge, everything I owned.

[499] I said, I had this girlfriend at the time, and I said, goodbye, you know, like I'll never...

[500] I must leave you now.

[501] Yeah, yeah.

[502] And I drove all the way to California, on the way, Flagstaff, Arizona, my car broke down.

[503] I spent all the money, most of the money I had fixing it.

[504] I got to LA for like a couple days, ran out of money, and turned around, drove right back.

[505] Oh, my God.

[506] I had no other choice.

[507] I had no options.

[508] I had no friend there.

[509] I had no...

[510] I gave my money.

[511] to some company that's supposed to help you find an apartment, which was a total fucking scam.

[512] And after a while, I didn't want to call my parents and ask for more money, and nobody helped me out.

[513] So I had enough money, I had $200 in gas money, and I drove all the way back.

[514] And then, like, reconnected with my girlfriend.

[515] Remember me?

[516] Yeah, yeah.

[517] Who's this guy?

[518] You know, it's interesting, because I know that you were in the Marines for a bit.

[519] which I think is awesome.

[520] Thank you.

[521] And it's interesting because it does make sense to me, but you've talked about how that was a good experience for you and that you feel like you've been able to channel it into your acting career.

[522] Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[523] In what ways specifically?

[524] Obviously, the stakes are different.

[525] One is pretending it's life or death and the other they are.

[526] But the way you work on a film and a play is very similar to the military.

[527] You know, in my instance, I was an 81 millimeter mortarman, so it's a gun team.

[528] And the chain of command is very obvious.

[529] When you have a director who's in charge, everyone's trying to accomplish a mission that's bigger than any one person.

[530] Someone's leading it, and when they know what they're doing, what you're doing feels exciting and active and necessary.

[531] And when they don't, it feels fucking awful.

[532] And like a waste of time and a waste of resources.

[533] and the better you do your role, someone else is, you know, the better someone else can do their role.

[534] You're fighting, you're improvising, you're fighting technology, your time, the sun, you know, all of these, it makes it feel more communal in my mind.

[535] It's not, it's not, I'm coming in and doing my role and everyone adapt to what I'm doing.

[536] I would also think that, I mean, because one of the things that I really admire about your performances, and not just in film, but it's something that I've noticed I, in another lifetime, wrote for Saturday Night Live and I love I love when you do the show I absolutely love when you do the show because you are fantastic and one of the things that I noticed about it in so many of the sketches you do is your approach is as if you are making a Scorsese film you go out there with this intensity I think there's one sketch that really pops for me where it's a class day where people are supposed to have their father or their mother come in.

[537] And you come in and you approach it with more conviction.

[538] Your whole thing is nothing funny is happening here.

[539] This is not funny.

[540] This is life or death.

[541] And you're leaning in to Pete Davidson's face.

[542] And I watch that sketch and I think that's the way people should play sketches.

[543] Very few people can.

[544] And you do that all the time.

[545] When you take what you do in drama and you use it in comedy, it's absolutely brilliant.

[546] It's fantastic.

[547] Oh, wow.

[548] I don't know how to follow that up.

[549] That's very nice, you would say, coming from you in particular.

[550] Well, I just, I've always thought it's commitment.

[551] It's total commitment.

[552] And I notice, like, you're not card bound on the cue cards and stuff.

[553] It's like you, I can tell that you've prepared, like, no, this is important.

[554] This has got to be just right.

[555] Yeah, yeah.

[556] You notice the difference.

[557] Yeah, the cue card thing is also, because I'm not a very, good, I can't read very well.

[558] I wasn't very, I'm not a...

[559] Okay, I'm taking this compliment back.

[560] I did not have a good education, but no, when I get nervous, I'll go over them with Wally there all the time, all the way up into when you're supposed to walk out.

[561] You know, it's interesting.

[562] Talk about commitment.

[563] I really loved, and I mentioned this to you once, because we had a chance to chat not too long ago, and I mentioned that I was a big fan of the movie Lincoln, and this is when you were just starting to get your break.

[564] I think you, was this before girls or after maybe?

[565] Right.

[566] Right around the same time?

[567] Yeah, right around the same time.

[568] And you got, it's a very small part, but you have this amazing scene.

[569] You're a telegraph operator.

[570] And it's a small scene, but I remember it even then thinking like, oh, this, you like, you pop in that scene.

[571] And that's pretty cool.

[572] And I was talking about it and you said that, yeah, you learned how to operate a telegraph machine for that scene.

[573] and I didn't even think that was necessary, right?

[574] Yeah.

[575] No, well, I thought it was.

[576] Because I read the scene, and he was operating at telegraphs.

[577] I'm going to know how to do that.

[578] I know, but I'm telling you, this is how we're different.

[579] This is why you're Adam Driver, and I'm this guy over here, is because I'd have learned my lines and everything, and then I've been like, and beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, and probably doing bits, and then Lincoln would come by, and I'd be like, hi, oh, Lincoln, I'm beep, beep, beep, you know.

[580] And you learned really how to say, send Morse code.

[581] Well, yeah, I tried to learn the alphabet.

[582] And then when I got there, they just hooked it up to a machine.

[583] That's what I found out the first day.

[584] They're like, oh, you didn't need to do that.

[585] We just hooked it up to the machine.

[586] And then that was kind of a metaphor for the rest of my career.

[587] You know, a lot of just wasted energy, you know, spent in, like, running really fast in the wrong direction for a long time.

[588] And then showing up and, like, it's all fucking different.

[589] I'm not, you know, like, I give up, you know.

[590] Well, you have to talk about something kind of delicate here because you are sitting in the company of Mr. Matt Goreley, who's one of the biggest Star Wars fans of all time and knows everything about the franchise.

[591] And you, first of all, you were brilliant in the Force of Weeks, absolutely brilliant in that role.

[592] And so the scene where you're working your way down the corridor with the lightsaber is one of the best just most best I think movie depictions of intensity that I've seen of someone who's just determined to get from point A to point B and pure rage and wrath and I was like that I've watched that many times it's so cool but then you occupy this complicated space probably for for Matt because you you killed Han Solo well thank you Conan No, but you did it with such style that Well, I want to know is if you learn the telegraph How do you go about learning the force For something like that?

[593] How do you prepare?

[594] He could really levitate X -wing fighters.

[595] We have a machine for them.

[596] Yeah, a lot of jumping rope.

[597] I got nothing.

[598] I don't know.

[599] No, I'm just happy to be here with you.

[600] Have you met Harrison?

[601] Has he come on the show?

[602] He's been on the show.

[603] Harrison Ford did the show not pretty recently.

[604] Oh, and he was the man you killed.

[605] And he was the man you killed.

[606] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[607] He survived.

[608] Almost he was, it was so funny because he's, you know, people don't realize how funny he is.

[609] But he came in and immediately started yelling at me. I don't know who we hear is listen to the Harrison Ford episode.

[610] You haven't heard it.

[611] It was really.

[612] And then at one point, he saw my notes.

[613] And I was just reminding myself, because he's done so many roles, like, to bring up, you know.

[614] And I'd just written in the corner.

[615] Han Solo of this little blue card just so I would remember because you can get lost in the conversation just remember like oh no that's of 30 different roles he's played and at one point Harrison looks over and he sees that on my blue card and he goes what?

[616] He said you can't fucking remember Han Solo and then I had to go with it so I went well you don't really pop in those movies and then I can just see his eyes get real big and then it was just a bloodbath it was so much fun and then I think he yelled at all of us I think it was him yelling at us the whole time which was really fun not at me no no one yells at you Sona you're perfect do you never make a mistake you know how to drink from a cup just like any adult I had the pleasure of seeing your movie Ferrari.

[617] Oh, you did?

[618] I did.

[619] What I never love is that this is just a weird thing about my life.

[620] If I want to watch a movie, they burn in the name Conan.

[621] Yeah, yeah.

[622] And so when I'm watching you do a really, and you're terrific in this movie, he plays Enzo Ferrari, that you'll be doing this great scene and then Conan would just come up over your face.

[623] And I'm like, yeah.

[624] That's how I imagine you see the world, though.

[625] You know?

[626] My name's coming up right now.

[627] But you play Enzo Ferrari, and I really knew I didn't really know anything about him and again first of all the look of this movie is extraordinary like the attention to detail the clothes it takes place in 1957 and this is this very pivotal year when Ferrari's company is on the verge of maybe going under he's got a very complicated personal life but you're driving around and the movie features these vintage 1957 Ferraris I am not a car guy but I was looking at these just drooling.

[628] Like, they're absolutely beautiful.

[629] Did you get to drive any of these?

[630] No, no. They won't let that.

[631] They have them there.

[632] We had like one or two.

[633] There were $70 million.

[634] One of them, how much?

[635] $70 million.

[636] Oh, my God.

[637] So they have these cones that are sitting around the car.

[638] And there's a couple people that their job all day long is just to tell people, get the fuck away from the car.

[639] Like, get away from the car.

[640] Move on, move on, move on, move on from the car.

[641] And then when it comes, time to the scene, they roll it in, and then they start the car.

[642] And, you know, I got to touch the engine.

[643] And I could have sat in it, but $70 million, I'm like, we're barely keeping it together.

[644] I don't want to touch this car because I have to wind up paying for it.

[645] You know, it'll be Ferraris, you know, Enzo Ferrari's story.

[646] So they, they, they, I tried to stay away from it.

[647] Yeah.

[648] But, but then they did an exact replica of the actual cars where they built the chassis and put the, and those I would drive.

[649] And those are, those are terrifying.

[650] Because you're just, you're aware of how they, you know, it wasn't because they were absent -minded that they didn't put seatbelts on.

[651] It just wasn't part of the, it wasn't part of the vehicles at that time.

[652] And it wasn't, people weren't thinking about it.

[653] And the kind of goal was, the ideal scenario was to be thrown out of the car because you didn't want to be in the car when it was on fire, which does make sense.

[654] I love that.

[655] That was the safety precaution they took back then.

[656] Yeah, I'll tuck and roll.

[657] Let's hope that you are thrown free at 120 miles an hour.

[658] But don't worry, you're wearing a leather helmet, maybe.

[659] You're right.

[660] No, and the movie, again, I think what you do so superbly in every role you can bring this intensity.

[661] And what's great is Enzo Ferrari in this film is a very driven man. I mean, he's literally, he's made it through World War II bombings in Italy, and through the rubble.

[662] he has managed to keep his car company going and he's going through all this very complicated stuff and you are just in the same way as I mentioned about Star Wars your intensity your focus comes through in every scene which is do not fuck with this guy do you know what I mean?

[663] This man is going to get done what he needs to get done again that's very nice I have no power in film I have my compliments mean nothing and they won't help you in any way No, he was a very, and he's also, you know, it's impossible to tell everyone's version of who he was, because he was very, and I think the movie does this, he was a different person to different people, obviously, as people are, but he is very much also Michael.

[664] You know, Michael is as, as meticulous and almost will's films into existence, because nothing on set really helps you to kind of make a movie.

[665] You're talking about Michael Mann.

[666] Michael Mann, the director of the movie.

[667] Yeah, yeah.

[668] There's also, I'm not going to give anything away, but there's a, there's a scene in the movie.

[669] I watched it with my 17 -year -old son, and there's a scene in the movie where there's, well, there's a couple of scenes where there's some crashes depicted, but there's one that's depicted that his jaw fell off onto the ground and rolled around, and so did mine.

[670] It's absolutely one of the craziest -looking things I've seen in a film, in a long time.

[671] I didn't watch the films that I was in for a long time and then the last couple of years I just like, oh, fuck it.

[672] I'll watch it and see what that's like.

[673] So talk about that.

[674] You've never watched yourself and then you've just started now.

[675] Yeah.

[676] And what's your experience been?

[677] It's awful.

[678] It's awful until it's not awful.

[679] My thing about not watching is you kind of got to watch you at five times to forget the shock of all the mistakes.

[680] that you made.

[681] And then you've got to watch it again to be like, oh, okay, now if I remember the circumstances of the movie, then you, the more you watch it, the more that starts to deaden, and you start to watch the movie.

[682] And then also, I just felt like I would be very external about it.

[683] Like, I try to make it to look a certain way, and I feel like you're playing it, knowing what the internal life is, is more important.

[684] You did not think you would be, ever be a leading man. No, I still, I don't still think I'm like a leading man. I think I'm kind of eking by getting lead roles in movies until they won't ask me to do that anymore.

[685] But I was going to say about the crash, though, is that at New York Film Festival, I did watch it.

[686] We had seen it in Venice, and it was strange.

[687] But in New York Film Festival, when that scene happened, I'd never been in the theater ever that had that kind of reaction.

[688] People were yelling, you know.

[689] It's shocking.

[690] and crazy looking and it's in a world where, you know, so many films to pick things like the sky opens and, you know, we're used to these action movies where amazing CGI things happen and craziness happens and you kind of get dead into it.

[691] And then I don't know how they did it, but in this scene, it's just kind of mind -blowing and it's stuck with me for a long time afterwards.

[692] It was really powerful.

[693] In Michael's movies anyway, it seems like if it's a big movie, then it's dumb or it's big and it's playing to the lowest common denominator and if it's an art movie it's so obscure that no one's gonna fucking watch it and there's something great about and i love those not the big dumb ones but i like the ones that are interesting also but there's something about michael's movies in particular that they're a great they're cinematic it's character driven which also seems to be a hard thing to find in films now it's accessible to anyone it's not pretentious at all but it's just 15 degrees to the right where it's just it's really it's you know he has these moments in his movies is just pure cinema it's just just moving images you know i'm i'm really proud of being a part of it do you is there something in your career that you've been thinking about or you aspire to with something like a next move that or something you dream about or do you do you just take this like roll at a time and think i i i'm just i'm going from moment to moment in my career.

[694] A bit of both.

[695] I always had the ambition because it's a director's medium, then it just makes sense to me to work with good directors if you can and be available so if something happens that you're available to do that.

[696] But then I can't really control where that goes.

[697] And then also I would say that now kind of biology is taken over a bit where things that I would do in my 20s, you know, that now I'm about to turn 40, I'm like a little and I have two kids, you know, it's just different now, things that I would do before, I wouldn't do now.

[698] Now it's more about like I want to be home more if I can, which I know is a luxury, but also because they, I like to kind of be at them from the beginning now.

[699] And so that's kind of been a thing that's been dictating what I want to do next.

[700] Yeah, it's funny.

[701] You mentioned that because I'm 20 years older than you.

[702] Wow.

[703] I'm kidding.

[704] I'm kidding.

[705] I'm sorry.

[706] I know, I know You were very nice And I'm just fucking it up No No you said what everyone The whole room was like Jesus Let's get this man an ambulance And I'm always amazed That I'm still doing the things I was always very Physically silly and goofy And I always just assumed That that would go away You know Once I got into my 30s Or 40s It just hasn't gone away yet And I'd still behave in a way wouldn't you agree that it's like come on have some silver's back yeah but I mean from the outside it's obvious why you are in the position you are you have incredible discipline and you're brilliant you have like such a that's obvious it's funny because we were both it was we had a nice moment together where just before we came out here they wanted to take some pictures for the comedy festival and you and I both were the exact same which is we were uncomfortable having our pictures taken.

[707] People would think we would love having our pictures taken.

[708] And then we started talking about how we love to do what we do.

[709] I love what I do.

[710] And you clearly are very passionate and love what you do.

[711] But then there's this part where you're supposed to look at people and, and I like taking, I love taking pictures with, like, fans and people.

[712] That feels like a real thing.

[713] But whenever I'm standing alone and people are like, let's get some photos of you, I feel like an idiot.

[714] I feel like an absolute idiot.

[715] Nothing, it's, it's very, I don't know, it's...

[716] I feel the exact same way.

[717] And also, I look mad.

[718] I feel like I'm smiling, but I just look mad all the time.

[719] And so I see pictures later.

[720] I'm like, I was fine, you know?

[721] But it doesn't...

[722] Then you're tall on top of it, and people just think you're furious.

[723] But also, you can look really intense.

[724] Yeah, I can.

[725] So you're relaxed, like, I'm just watching a tennis match or a basketball game or whatever.

[726] I look furious.

[727] Base.

[728] But if you're just letting you, your face fall a little bit, it does look like you're out for murder, you know?

[729] It's murder in time.

[730] Yeah.

[731] Yeah, and also, I'm just not good at it.

[732] I don't like it when they tell me to, like, smile or move over here.

[733] I'm like, no. You know, I don't want to.

[734] Like, I don't know.

[735] Not gonna.

[736] Like a child.

[737] Yeah.

[738] I don't know why.

[739] That's just, that's the impulse that comes up.

[740] Whenever a bunch of people are telling me to do something, I'm like, no, I don't want to do that.

[741] Yeah, that's what happened when we asked you to do the podcast today.

[742] No, not except what I'm saying.

[743] But we tricked you.

[744] We told you this was a restaurant.

[745] This has been an absolute joy and a real nice surprise for everybody here that you would take the time to come see us.

[746] I don't know exactly when this is going to drop, as the kids said, but Ferraris in theaters nationwide Christmas Day and you gotta go check it out because it's a great movie and to say Adam Driver gives a great performance is just like at this point yeah uh -huh exactly because you do it's just your your money in the bank I really enjoy watching you and I in a lot of ways admire you I think you're a very impressive person and very cool that you would spend time with us tonight thank you I feel the same about you let's hear That man does not disappoint.

[747] I love that guy.

[748] Yeah.

[749] And to see that reaction, too, that made me so happy.

[750] Just to see the crowd lose it was really nice.

[751] Didn't do it when I came out.

[752] Yeah.

[753] He got a way bigger of a lot.

[754] Yeah, he got a much bigger.

[755] And then I had to spend 20 minutes receding people.

[756] Yeah.

[757] Well, his was also, it wasn't just longer.

[758] It was louder.

[759] It was so loud.

[760] Yeah, there was an intensity.

[761] people were like, oh, shit, wow, that's, you know.

[762] When I came out, there was, it was nice.

[763] Yeah.

[764] Subdued.

[765] It was like, you know, the inevitable arrival of death.

[766] You know what's coming?

[767] Yeah.

[768] Oh.

[769] There's nothing we can do about it.

[770] Conan's coming.

[771] He's up there.

[772] We know he's going to come out.

[773] So let's accept it.

[774] People go through different stages, and then they're like, we accept that Conan's going to come out.

[775] Yeah.

[776] And that's where we are.

[777] Well, we have a very special.

[778] right now.

[779] And by treat, I mean, almost in the literal sense, an edible, delicious treat.

[780] Because if you've been following the podcast, you know that there's been a bit of a contest between the three of us in terms of sandwiches.

[781] So a wonderful fellow named Jay at E .J.'s luncheonette has...

[782] He said that we could each have our own signature sandwich.

[783] And we got to make up what those sandwiches were.

[784] Yes.

[785] Yeah.

[786] I don't remember what mine was.

[787] I'm not a fan of this podcast.

[788] No, I remembered, I think mine was corned beef, wasn't it?

[789] That's right.

[790] What was on mine?

[791] Corned beef, Russian dressing.

[792] Kohl'slaw?

[793] Kohl'sla.

[794] I think that's it.

[795] I think that's it.

[796] Okay.

[797] I didn't mean that's it.

[798] That's a great sandwich.

[799] I think that's it.

[800] Yeah.

[801] And a $20 bill tucked in there somewhere like his lettuce.

[802] Sona, what was your sandwich?

[803] Do you remember?

[804] Mine was a euro with no fucking tomatoes.

[805] And it was very, specific.

[806] It had no tomatoes.

[807] Because you ate tomatoes.

[808] I hate tomatoes.

[809] Is it the texture or the taste?

[810] Both.

[811] Both.

[812] I don't care for it.

[813] I think the middle is like boogers.

[814] I actually am when people eat tomatoes in front of me, I'm disgusted by those people.

[815] Yeah, you know.

[816] You get it.

[817] That guy gets it.

[818] Yeah.

[819] Everyone's just eating boogers.

[820] He also won't ride a cab because he knows there's jizz all over it.

[821] People are just ejaculating all over this city.

[822] No one's doing that.

[823] I don't know what movies you're watching.

[824] It's coated in ejaculate.

[825] It's not true.

[826] It's unbelievable.

[827] That's untrue.

[828] And what about you?

[829] What was your sandwich?

[830] Mine was a patty melt that we called...

[831] Well, first we call it the Maddie Pelt, but that was gross.

[832] You don't want to eat that.

[833] Maddie Pelt is disgusting.

[834] Yeah, so it's the Maddie Melt, and it's on Hawaiian bread, and it has American cheese because it's for patriots.

[835] It's for anybody that considers themselves an American.

[836] That was low.

[837] Anybody who doesn't eat it would be like a...

[838] Stalin -era Soviet.

[839] Nice sandwich is called the Khrushchev.

[840] So we also learned, by the way, that there's a finite number of these sandwiches tonight.

[841] Right.

[842] So this gentleman brings these sandwiches here, and as a backup, he brought just so many, not that much, but he brought a backup sandwich or two, and tell us what happened.

[843] I just found out about this seconds before the show.

[844] So did I. Our wonderful lawyer here at Team Coco, David Melman, just saw a platter of sandwiches and ate one.

[845] But the important thing to note is that someone who has to be discerning, has to know what is right, wrong, what is the top of the heap, chose the Maddie melt to eat.

[846] Oh, that's what he did.

[847] He chose yours.

[848] I don't know.

[849] That guy doesn't seem that smart to me. Fart.

[850] Fart.

[851] Let's, uh, that's great.

[852] Anyway, the long story short is we have Jay here.

[853] And we get to try out these sandwiches.

[854] We get to try our sandwiches.

[855] So why don't we bring him out?

[856] Let's bring them out right now.

[857] Ladies gentlemen, Jay from E .J's luncheonette, the man that made it all happen.

[858] Thanks, guys.

[859] Thank you very much.

[860] Oh, my God.

[861] These look amazing.

[862] These look great.

[863] Hi, Jay.

[864] Jay.

[865] Hello.

[866] Jay, welcome to the show.

[867] And thank you for doing this.

[868] This is a man has selling these sandwiches.

[869] I'm coming in I'd like to find out quickly maybe you could tell everybody of the three sandwiches is there one that's the clear favorite do you want me to lie to you?

[870] No, I'm like to tell you the truth I want to know the truth the Maddie Mel.

[871] Fuck!

[872] What was that?

[873] I don't know.

[874] Why?

[875] Why is it so popular?

[876] That was such an awkward strut.

[877] That was just awful what you did.

[878] I didn't even want to look at it.

[879] What happened to your spine?

[880] I was strutting.

[881] I was fixing.

[882] That's weird.

[883] I was victory strutting.

[884] I was strutting.

[885] I'm just strutting down the boulevard.

[886] You know what?

[887] All right.

[888] So I'm intrigued here.

[889] This is my sandwich.

[890] And tell us what's on...

[891] That's a good -looking sandwich, right, everybody?

[892] That's corn beef.

[893] That's half a pound of corned beef.

[894] Half a pound of corned beef.

[895] Kohl'slaw and Russian dressing.

[896] This is a colon killer right here.

[897] I love this.

[898] Half a pound of corned beef and Russian dressing.

[899] Coleslaw.

[900] So a pretty simple sandwich.

[901] Pretty simple.

[902] sandwich.

[903] Okay.

[904] Why do you think this piece of shit is selling through the roof?

[905] It's the Hawaiian bread.

[906] It's delicious.

[907] It's hard to fight.

[908] I would also like to say that on the flight in here, I told Sona that we were going to do this and we're going to get to our taste our sandwiches and Sona, you said, can I just try yours?

[909] What?

[910] You don't remember this?

[911] Try yours?

[912] Yes.

[913] But we said last night, she was high on the flight.

[914] Yeah, yeah.

[915] I was really...

[916] I'm not, that's good for a high snack.

[917] What is yours, Sona?

[918] What's on your...

[919] a Euro.

[920] I'm already eating it.

[921] She's got good Euro meat.

[922] That's a good one.

[923] That's good stuff.

[924] We had eating about the show today.

[925] And all Sona kept saying is, we get to eat these sandwiches, right?

[926] Oh, yeah.

[927] And you kept talking about it, like, you can't get a sandwich in your regular life.

[928] I said, I'm going to fuck this Euro.

[929] All right.

[930] I'm going to...

[931] Jesus Christ.

[932] And you won't get in a cab.

[933] Are you not eating it?

[934] I think we should have...

[935] I think we should have...

[936] That's pretty good, then.

[937] I think we should have a...

[938] And as someone who's not biased, an unbiased person, maybe from another country, maybe, uh, I think you should come up here.

[939] Christopher.

[940] Christopher, Christopher, come on up.

[941] Christopher, you're going to take a bite out of each, uh, out of each sandwich.

[942] And Christopher, you can take my seat right here.

[943] I mean, why the, I'm just a guy that, I'm an usher at this show.

[944] That's delicious.

[945] I just see people.

[946] It's really good.

[947] Now, you should take a bite of each and then tell me, honestly, Christopher, which one that you prefer, okay?

[948] So I'm choosing between the sandwiches, not the three of you.

[949] No, no, not the three of us.

[950] Just which sandwich you like.

[951] Just take a bite out of each one.

[952] Do it very quickly so you're in danger of choking.

[953] That's a huge bite.

[954] Okay.

[955] What do you think?

[956] That's pretty good.

[957] I don't seem thrilled.

[958] Now this...

[959] It's American.

[960] Oh, God.

[961] That was too big a bite.

[962] I know.

[963] I said.

[964] You need to take three bites.

[965] It was too big of bites.

[966] Okay.

[967] Very dry.

[968] Well, it's very dry, yeah.

[969] Okay, I wish we had something to wash it down.

[970] Is anyone backstage, have anything we did that, what do you like to drink and not some kind of like grorgie or something?

[971] I like gruegen, you know.

[972] There's some water right there out of that cup.

[973] That's Conan's water.

[974] That's yours, by the way.

[975] Yeah.

[976] I'll have security, take it away from you on the way out.

[977] And then beat the shit out of you if you choose the wrong sandwich.

[978] I actually do like this better.

[979] Yes!

[980] Yes!

[981] Mine's good.

[982] It's Greek.

[983] European, like you.

[984] Save continent.

[985] I'm sorry, this is delicious.

[986] But you're honest.

[987] Mark, Dan.

[988] No?

[989] No one else.

[990] You were honest, and you know what?

[991] No, your people are very honest people and you were honest about it.

[992] But you, which was the same which you liked the least?

[993] And keep in mind that you're not American.

[994] Well, I am not American.

[995] So it's all right that I say, I did like yours the least, madam, very sorry.

[996] Yes.

[997] Thank you so much.

[998] Can we get an American up here?

[999] An actual citizen?

[1000] All right, you can take those sandwiches back to your seat with you because let's hear it for Christopher.

[1001] Christopher!

[1002] Okay, I lost.

[1003] Enjoy.

[1004] Thank you very much.

[1005] This guy's killing it.

[1006] Jay, where do you come down on this?

[1007] Yeah, what do you think is the best thing?

[1008] My two favorite are the corned beef and the Maddie melt.

[1009] Oh, fuck you.

[1010] That's delicious.

[1011] Okay, I'm sorry.

[1012] It's all delicious.

[1013] So I just thought of me. This is great.

[1014] But for me, it's the Maddie Mel.

[1015] I'm a burger guy.

[1016] Okay.

[1017] You can go now.

[1018] All right.

[1019] No, okay.

[1020] Jay.

[1021] Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Jay.

[1022] Thank you so much.

[1023] Thank you.

[1024] Thank you.

[1025] Thank you.

[1026] You're a gentleman.

[1027] Thank you for doing that.

[1028] Very nice of you to do it.

[1029] And that's delicious sandwich.

[1030] It really is.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] I'm glad you guys enjoy it.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] You use the right pita and the right meat.

[1035] That's homemade to get you.

[1036] I don't know what that is.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] Thank you very much, sir.

[1039] Let's give that man a hand.

[1040] All right, what's next, Matt?

[1041] That's good.

[1042] A bite.

[1043] Okay.

[1044] We're going to go ahead and do some pre -selected voicemails.

[1045] Nice.

[1046] These are voicemails we're going to listen to?

[1047] Oh, what are we doing?

[1048] These people coming down the aisle.

[1049] And you've got something all over your face.

[1050] Let's hope it's sauce.

[1051] There we go.

[1052] Ladies and gentlemen, first up, is it Haley Rich?

[1053] That's correct.

[1054] Welcome.

[1055] What is your name?

[1056] I didn't hear it.

[1057] Haley.

[1058] Haley, how are you, Haley?

[1059] I've been better.

[1060] It's just not my night tonight.

[1061] are you unhappy with your seat that among other things what is your problem fill us in we have this great show what's the problem what's going on no I'm happy to be here I'm very excited thank you we got you up to a baseline okay with things I actually just moved here from Boston I know you're a big Boston guy yeah I was that's where I'm from yeah and now I'm in Williamsburg apparently you live there too I live in Williamsburg yes you've We're soulmates, I guess.

[1062] Do you live in Williamsburg now?

[1063] Mm -hmm, I do.

[1064] Yeah, I live there, I think, maybe 30 years before your birth.

[1065] It was a very different time, very different time.

[1066] Sounds about right.

[1067] Not such a cool place to live then.

[1068] It's very, yeah.

[1069] But, oh, do you have a question for me?

[1070] I do.

[1071] I have a question.

[1072] Okay.

[1073] So I was supposed to go to this show with my mom, but she actually bailed on me. Wait, she bailed, meaning?

[1074] She bailed, yeah.

[1075] And you told her it's Conan O 'Brien, right?

[1076] I did.

[1077] And then she bailed.

[1078] She paid for the tickets, though, so...

[1079] Yeah, but why did she bail?

[1080] What's sure the reason?

[1081] I'm sure something terrible came up.

[1082] She's working.

[1083] Oh, okay.

[1084] She told you, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

[1085] What does your mom do?

[1086] What work is so important?

[1087] She cleans houses.

[1088] Oh, okay.

[1089] That's a very important job.

[1090] So she had to do that, and she couldn't come here.

[1091] She had to, yeah.

[1092] Yeah.

[1093] Okay.

[1094] I know there's a question here somewhere.

[1095] I'm going to keep trying.

[1096] I'm going to get there.

[1097] I found out where you live.

[1098] and that and we know that and we know that your mom couldn't be here she had to bail.

[1099] So what's the question?

[1100] So then I was strapped had to bring someone else, right?

[1101] So I was wondering who I should bring so, you know, my sister and her fiancé are here but as my guest I decided to bring a guy that we've been on two hinge dates, right?

[1102] So far.

[1103] I'm gonna pretend I know what hinge is.

[1104] It's what we use back in the day.

[1105] So you went on a You've been on the two dates with this guy.

[1106] Yes, this is our third.

[1107] Okay.

[1108] And I would just love for you to assess whether we're compatible.

[1109] Yes.

[1110] Well, where is this guy?

[1111] All the way up.

[1112] Yep, he looks fine.

[1113] Dude, where are you?

[1114] Can you stand?

[1115] I can't even see up there.

[1116] Can you come down?

[1117] What's your name, sir?

[1118] What?

[1119] First of all, he seems like a rageaholic.

[1120] Seems like a very angry young man. He's just South African.

[1121] What was your...

[1122] What's your name again?

[1123] Jake?

[1124] Did he say Jake?

[1125] He said James.

[1126] James.

[1127] I think he said James, but this guy's yelling Jake.

[1128] Shut up!

[1129] James.

[1130] I think he's coming.

[1131] Oh, there he is.

[1132] Oh, there he is.

[1133] Oh, okay.

[1134] Well, turn around so everyone can see you.

[1135] You guys are cute together.

[1136] Yeah.

[1137] Yeah, I think you make a really cute couple.

[1138] Yeah.

[1139] So tell us, James.

[1140] Is it James?

[1141] It's James, yeah.

[1142] Okay, how do you think this relationship's going so far?

[1143] I mean, it's not a relationship yet.

[1144] You've been on two -inch dates.

[1145] Third date?

[1146] Third date.

[1147] Okay, take it easy, man. Okay, I don't know.

[1148] You know what I mean?

[1149] Everyone's got their own timetable.

[1150] You're like, third date, man. My parents are in town next weekend.

[1151] So I think I'm going to introduce her to my parents.

[1152] Oh, wow.

[1153] That's quick.

[1154] I've been married for 21 years, and my parents haven't met my wife.

[1155] Because I don't want to rush things.

[1156] Really?

[1157] Now, are you ready to meet, are you ready to meet his parents?

[1158] Well, he's met my sister and her fiance.

[1159] So what?

[1160] That isn't have the same thing as parents.

[1161] Yeah.

[1162] Parents love me. Oh, okay.

[1163] Oh, wow.

[1164] Okay.

[1165] Pretty confident.

[1166] I have a question.

[1167] James, did you know you were second choice to her mom for coming tonight?

[1168] Or did you just find out?

[1169] It was kind of like a last, minute I kind of assumed I was second choice that I was down I binge watched the podcast like I listen to everything yeah I got you know so you're binge watched it just to get ready for this just to prepare you know right so you don't fucking care about this podcast he's no homework for you because it's third date night okay no good that's a man I don't know I don't like this guy at all we've got people here that fly from all over the world they've listened to every episode this guy just binge listen to it?

[1170] Did you listen to it at really fast speed?

[1171] 2 .5?

[1172] 2 .5?

[1173] Yes!

[1174] I don't approve of this man. But I'm gonna say no. No, he's not the guy.

[1175] This is over.

[1176] This is over.

[1177] You should find someone who's listened to all the episodes.

[1178] That's just important.

[1179] I value your opinion the most.

[1180] Said like a true robot.

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] I value your opinion Well, listen, seriously, I think you're a lovely...

[1183] Oh, okay, all right.

[1184] Oh, James.

[1185] You know what, you guys seem like a very, very nice couple.

[1186] You really do.

[1187] I approve, I say, ready for the next step, meet the parents.

[1188] Okay?

[1189] And then we'll see how things unroll.

[1190] You know, if someday there's a wedding, I'd like to be there.

[1191] Right now.

[1192] He'll be there.

[1193] Okay.

[1194] What are you doing?

[1195] Is he serious?

[1196] He's on his knees.

[1197] But what's he holding?

[1198] I think he's just holding one of his teeth.

[1199] Haley Rich?

[1200] Will you be my wife?

[1201] Oh.

[1202] Wait.

[1203] Is this really happening?

[1204] No, not tonight.

[1205] Is this really fucking happening?

[1206] James, declare if you're serious.

[1207] Is this really happening?

[1208] Is he doing that for his really doing this?

[1209] He's not.

[1210] Stand up.

[1211] This is a bit.

[1212] You're in deep shit.

[1213] What in a way.

[1214] You can't do that as a bit.

[1215] You cannot do that as a bit.

[1216] Say no. It's the longest bit.

[1217] I'm waiting for him to stand up.

[1218] James.

[1219] He really committed to it.

[1220] I think he committed to it.

[1221] I was waiting.

[1222] I was waiting.

[1223] James, you are legally obligated to say whether that was a bit or not.

[1224] Am I?

[1225] Yeah.

[1226] I don't think I am.

[1227] This is over.

[1228] Get away from this sociopath as fast as you can.

[1229] He shouldn't even meet the parents.

[1230] Security, come down here and hit him with long rubber things.

[1231] All right, well, we should move on to the next question, but listen, I do wish you, I'm just so confused by what's happening.

[1232] I am too.

[1233] All I got out of this is your mom really doesn't care that much about me. This dude's, something's very wrong with him.

[1234] He just tried to marry you by holding up a tooth, and then I don't know what hinges.

[1235] I don't know what's happening anymore, but I wish you all the happiness you, both deserve.

[1236] Yes.

[1237] Thank you guys.

[1238] Ashley?

[1239] I am Ashley.

[1240] How are you?

[1241] Ashley, what was it like to be watching all that happen?

[1242] Yeah, you were closer.

[1243] Do you think that was real or not?

[1244] I don't think it was real.

[1245] No. Did he have a ring?

[1246] I couldn't see.

[1247] It was like one, he pulled off his own finger, I think.

[1248] Oh, so he's cheap, too.

[1249] Yeah, yeah.

[1250] Well, I propose with that.

[1251] It was a mood ring.

[1252] old joke um look it up it's online uh well tell us what's your uh first of all where you from um i'm originally from austin but i moved to new york like 12 years ago cool all right very cool well you seem like a very cool person i like your style a lot i really do yeah yeah uh what what can i do for you well first on the style i wore the shirt for you matt because it's star oh my god hello there hello there hello there i don't know what's happening.

[1253] Thank you, Ashley.

[1254] I'll handle this.

[1255] Thank you.

[1256] And I feel like it's appropriate.

[1257] I got picked for this when Adam Driver is here, because, like, I'm obsessed with Star Wars.

[1258] Oh, God bless you.

[1259] You're doing the Lord's work.

[1260] I know you love Star Wars, Conan.

[1261] I get that in Star Trek mixed up.

[1262] Oh, ow.

[1263] No, I'm kidding.

[1264] I'm kidding.

[1265] I know I'm not obsessed with it.

[1266] I think they're fine.

[1267] They're great.

[1268] What's the question?

[1269] Okay.

[1270] So, jumping on.

[1271] on to other things that you really love.

[1272] What I love is Clueless Gamer, and I'm so excited that it's coming back.

[1273] Guess what?

[1274] There is a Clueless.

[1275] Is Blay anywhere back there?

[1276] Blay.

[1277] Please, right there.

[1278] Come on out, Blay.

[1279] Yay!

[1280] Hey!

[1281] Hey!

[1282] Hey, Blay, come on out.

[1283] What are you doing back there?

[1284] He might need an assist from you on this.

[1285] Okay, but first of all, didn't we just...

[1286] What are you doing?

[1287] You and Gourley have, like, fucked up backs.

[1288] Sit there Have a seat right here Okay Fucking weird So we did Just tape What would we tape Because I never know what's happening Yeah we just shot One with Starfield Which is really great Coming out very soon And he probably saw the teaser Where Yeah he blew up a grandma in space I blew up a grandmother I saw another ship And it said grandma And without any hesitation I blew that lady up You're playing it right That was so much fun to blow that old lady up.

[1289] Anyway, you have a question.

[1290] I do.

[1291] So, if you could make a video game about your life, what type of game would it be and what would it be about?

[1292] It would be maybe about getting a decent haircut.

[1293] So a life soon.

[1294] Yeah, I would like something where I could control my childhood and make things better.

[1295] Do you know what I mean?

[1296] Where I didn't have like, yeah, I had two front teeth were dead.

[1297] And so I had two gray teeth in front, a bowl haircut.

[1298] It's all on this shirt.

[1299] Yeah, we've seen it.

[1300] We've seen it.

[1301] And I was such a sweet little boy.

[1302] And it didn't go well for me. I had a weird name.

[1303] Now that name is becoming more common, but then no one had that name.

[1304] And so, yeah, I would like a game where I get to, like a Sims game where I get to control my childhood and make it a better childhood.

[1305] And I think it would be a form of therapy.

[1306] I would like to have a better childhood and a better adolescence.

[1307] And then I wouldn't be the bitter, cruel creep I am.

[1308] today.

[1309] That's fair.

[1310] That's fair.

[1311] Okay.

[1312] That's my game.

[1313] What about y 'all?

[1314] Sona?

[1315] Would you want to be in this game?

[1316] Oh, we all do that?

[1317] Oh, we all do it?

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] Yeah.

[1320] Sona, what's your game?

[1321] I'm, I'll, I want to, I want to just kill a lot of people.

[1322] Like a shooter or like a fighter game?

[1323] I think I want to, like, every time someone pisses me off in real life, like, I'm like, I just want to kill that person.

[1324] And it would be nice to play a video game It'd be nice to play a video game Where I could actually kill them And then you'd like dispose of the body I don't want them to just Wait you want it off then dispose of the body Don't they just blow up in games Yeah but I think it'll be more fun If I can like figure out like Oh what do I do with the body So you're a serial killer Yeah You're a serial killer Yeah that's that would be my game I feel like I have a recommendation for you.

[1325] There's some, like, weird anime games that you can basically do that.

[1326] Okay.

[1327] I'll do that.

[1328] Yeah.

[1329] Matt, what about you?

[1330] My game is I'm on the run from a serial killer name Sonam Obsessing.

[1331] I've just got to stay alive.

[1332] Just got to stay alive.

[1333] Thank you very much, Ashley.

[1334] Yeah, thank you.

[1335] That was great.

[1336] That was fun.

[1337] What nice fans.

[1338] Aaron Blair, ladies and gentlemen.

[1339] Thank you, Aaron.

[1340] Steve?

[1341] Yep.

[1342] Hey, Steve.

[1343] How are you?

[1344] Good.

[1345] Thank you.

[1346] Thank you for the past five years It was a good time to start a podcast Oh, thank you so much It's your hat as a Conan reference It is, yeah, yeah, have some good time Have some good times Oh my God Such is cool And is that a zombie Conan shirt?

[1347] It is, yeah Hey, you're the real deal You're not listening You're not binge listening to me at 2 .5 I slow him down Just so you can Yeah You slow them down Yeah Whoa, there was talk of gerbils.

[1348] So given that you started the podcast right before the pandemic and before all the political stuff, I imagine it was pretty, pretty, there's a lot of stories.

[1349] So my question is, who is going to play you in the movie, each of you?

[1350] Oh.

[1351] Oh, the movie of the chill jumps.

[1352] Oh, wow.

[1353] That's a good, that's a, that's a good question.

[1354] I think you're Daniel Radcliffe.

[1355] Really?

[1356] Yeah.

[1357] Daniel Radcliffe.

[1358] Yeah, and then I think people are thinking Sona, your Cher, you're going to be played by Cher.

[1359] You're an Armenian hero.

[1360] Oh, my dream!

[1361] Yes, you're going to be played by Cher.

[1362] She's like 36 years older than I am.

[1363] Yeah.

[1364] But I think she could pull it off.

[1365] She looks younger than me. Yeah, and I'm going to be Cape Lanchette.

[1366] That's a killer movie.

[1367] That is a good movie.

[1368] That is good.

[1369] That's a very good movie.

[1370] Thank you.

[1371] Hey, and thank you for listening, too.

[1372] I appreciate it.

[1373] That's very nice.

[1374] Let's do this, what, yeah, let's talk to this woman right here.

[1375] Hello.

[1376] Hi.

[1377] What's your name?

[1378] Nicole.

[1379] Hi, Nicole.

[1380] Hi, guys.

[1381] So my question for you is, it's the season of giving right.

[1382] We're having a lot of friends giving dinners right now.

[1383] So I have a two -parter.

[1384] What would you bring as your dish to a friend's -giving party?

[1385] And what does that say about you as a person?

[1386] I would bring this sandwich right here because it's the best damn sandwich I've ever had.

[1387] And it also says that I'm a very self -involved person.

[1388] You're going to bring one.

[1389] sandwich to Friendsgiving?

[1390] I'm going to bring this sandwich with two bites out of it.

[1391] And then I'm going to be like, suck on this, motherfucker!

[1392] That's exactly what I'm going to do.

[1393] What are you going to do?

[1394] I mean, obviously, something Armenian.

[1395] Okay.

[1396] Because I'm Armenian.

[1397] Yeah.

[1398] So which pressed ruled fruit will you bring?

[1399] There's more.

[1400] There's two of them.

[1401] There's more to us than that.

[1402] When I went to Armenia with you, that's all they ever offered me. That's my...

[1403] Gonen, would you like some dried pomegranate?

[1404] Or would you like some dried apricot?

[1405] And that was it.

[1406] And after a while, I was like, let me guess.

[1407] And they were like, yes, how did you know?

[1408] Get another dessert.

[1409] I need it.

[1410] Anyway, I would bring some dried pomegranate.

[1411] All right, Corley, take us home.

[1412] Obviously, I'd bring something Star Wars, so some blue milk and fried womp rat, okay?

[1413] I don't know.

[1414] I don't think I'd eat that.

[1415] No. Yeah, that sounds awful.

[1416] And that's just a two -parter?

[1417] I always feel that's cheating, but that's okay.

[1418] Well, I want to say about you as a person, so you said you were selfish.

[1419] Oh, you're right, right?

[1420] And also I don't listen.

[1421] This would be the worst Friendsgiving.

[1422] Oh, shut up.

[1423] They're lucky to have me. I'd be like, hey, I've got a podcast.

[1424] Shut up.

[1425] Look what I brought.

[1426] Eat it or don't.

[1427] What a dick.

[1428] And then I just drop a mic that I'm not even holding and go, peace out.

[1429] Tupac.

[1430] Oh, my God.

[1431] Yeah.

[1432] Hi, I'm Sarah.

[1433] Hi, Sarah.

[1434] How you doing?

[1435] I'm good.

[1436] So I'm currently a senior in college.

[1437] Okay.

[1438] And I was wondering if, If you could teach a college course on any topic of your choosing, what would it be?

[1439] This guy in the back.

[1440] Lincoln!

[1441] Am I that?

[1442] Am I that transparent?

[1443] I guess I am.

[1444] Yeah, teach it maybe civil war or self -defense.

[1445] Yeah.

[1446] Okay.

[1447] No one buys it.

[1448] No one buys that.

[1449] How about the art of late -night comedy on NBC from 1993 to 2009, starting at 1235 at night.

[1450] That's so specific.

[1451] So specific, yeah.

[1452] And I'd make people watch my tapes over and over again.

[1453] And I'd say, your assignment is to watch them again and again and again.

[1454] What do you think of that?

[1455] And while they're watching them, I'd eat my own sandwich that's named after me. Oh, God.

[1456] Because I'm like collegial.

[1457] I'm a freak at this point.

[1458] Yeah.

[1459] I feel like my class would be all like watching something, too, like TV or movies and stuff.

[1460] You guys would just all be in the same hotel room watching their office.

[1461] Yes.

[1462] Yeah.

[1463] And you, what are you going to teach?

[1464] Oh, I don't know.

[1465] I don't want to say Star Wars.

[1466] Matt is a teacher.

[1467] Yeah, James Bond.

[1468] I love that you get, we're getting our, people know the podcast so, well, people are just shouting out our answers for us.

[1469] No one's shouting anything out for me. What was your most familiar in the experience?

[1470] People were like, Go on and remember the time.

[1471] And I'm like, Jesus.

[1472] How do they know that?

[1473] I know that it's like cataloging our lives in ways we can't.

[1474] Wait, what should I teach?

[1475] That's what happens when you ask 3 ,000 people a question.

[1476] I know.

[1477] That was on me. That's on me. Cab Jiz.

[1478] Welcome to Cab Jiz 101.

[1479] I'm sorry, this is a disgusting show, and I'm sorry you're here, and you seem like a nice person.

[1480] All right, I do think we should wrap this up because, you know, they have to give the theater over to people who are going to do real things with it.

[1481] I know.

[1482] I think we should say good night right now to two people.

[1483] two people who make this.

[1484] Yes, there was talk of gerbils.

[1485] Thank you, sir.

[1486] I want to thank both of you for being here, and I want to have this audience applaud.

[1487] Sonam Obsessian, Matt Gourley.

[1488] Let's hear it for them.

[1489] All right, we're going to send you home in style now.

[1490] Oh, look.

[1491] A guitar.

[1492] Hey, this is our last night in Brooklyn.

[1493] Thank you all so much for being here.

[1494] You are an absolutely lovely audience.

[1495] I do not take it for granted that we have such amazing fans.

[1496] so thank you very much for being here and I just thought I'd send you home with the tune that Jack White was kind enough to let us use when I called him five years ago and said there's only one song I want from my podcast and he said no but we did it anyway now he said yes very nice guy Call as you, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking looms, climb the fence, books and pens.

[1497] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[1498] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[1499] Do you know it's singing, walk with me, Susie Lee, through the park and by the tree.

[1500] We will rest upon the ground Look at all the bugs we found Safely walk to school without a sound Safely walk to school without a sound Here we are, no one else We walk to school or by ourselves There's dirt on our uniforms We're playing with the answer world We clean up and now it's time to learn We clean up and now it's time to learn here we go we don't notice any time we don't notice anything we sit side by side in every cloud teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way sing tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed silly thoughts run through my head about the buds and alphabet and when I wait tomorrow I bet then you and I will want together again I can tell that we are going to be friend and tell that we are going to be good.

[1501] That was nice.

[1502] This song makes me happy.

[1503] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Goreley.

[1504] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1505] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1506] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1507] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1508] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1509] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1510] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[1511] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1512] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[1513] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1514] Got a question for Conan?

[1515] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.

[1516] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1517] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.