Take the Pressure Off Yourself & Your Kids

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[24] Do you ever feel like you're under so much pressure?

[25] right pressure to make sure you feed their kids the right way that they do their school work that they sleep well that they have friends right that you handle all of their emotional things going on it can be suffocating at times i'm sure you feel like that especially if you're a mom that kind of comes with a territory but i want to free you from that pressure i want to take the pressure off of your entire family and that's the theme we're going to discuss today and how to do that on the calm parenting podcast so we're glad you're here Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[26] You can find us to Celebrate Calm .com.

[27] If you ever need anything, you can talk to our strong -willed son because he's the reason we're here.

[28] And his name is Casey.

[29] And you can find him, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[30] He was a very challenging child, but he will provide the best customer service on the planet.

[31] So if you ever need anything, reach out to him.

[32] He's phenomenal for other people.

[33] He's just horrible for us like your kids.

[34] I'm kidding, he's awesome.

[35] So, here's, here, I want to thank this mom for sending an email today.

[36] This is very fresh because it just came in and I thought, well, let's hit on this theme of freeing us up, taking the pressure off.

[37] So here's what her email said.

[38] She said, you know, we've been listening to your podcast for a long time.

[39] We really like them.

[40] We're debating whether to get the CDs and the downloads.

[41] And we eventually decided, here's what the truth was.

[42] She told me on the side.

[43] She's like, My husband's a cheapskate, and he didn't want him, but he finally got so tired of us always yelling and lecturing and being upset at each other.

[44] He finally gave in.

[45] And plus he said he likes a good sale.

[46] And we're having a big sale.

[47] So you can find that at celebratecom .com.

[48] It was a big sale we've got going on because we slash the prices for the COVID crisis.

[49] And we want the tools in the hands of parents.

[50] So she's like, so we started listening.

[51] And here's what we notice first.

[52] You take the pressure off of us.

[53] You took the pressure off.

[54] We don't have to fix everything.

[55] We don't have to create the perfect child.

[56] We don't have to impose our own anxiety and our own control issues, our perfectionism.

[57] We don't have to impose that on our kids.

[58] You've taken the pressure off, right?

[59] We don't have to do everything right.

[60] We just have to accept our kids as they are, and we have to control ourselves.

[61] And so we've shifted.

[62] She said it's really interesting.

[63] They have spent, the first they've got, I believe, a 9 -year -old and a 14 -year -old.

[64] So she said, we've spent the first nine and 14 years of our kids' lives, basically trying to dictate to them and control them and make them behave the right way.

[65] And here's the other one, she said, we've been trying to make them be just like us.

[66] And she said, and we finally figure it out, it wasn't just, it wasn't the strong -willed kids who were the issue, it was us.

[67] And it's not because we're bad people.

[68] Not.

[69] And she said, this is what's freeing.

[70] Our hearts are in the right place.

[71] We thought we were doing the right thing.

[72] We thought we were doing this and we were trying to make these kids be a certain way.

[73] But when we listen to your materials and we go step by step, we realize we don't have to do that.

[74] We don't have to create the perfect child.

[75] All we have to do is control our own anxiety over our kids' future.

[76] And we have to learn.

[77] how to deal with our own perfectionism, our control issues, our guilt.

[78] And she said the awesome part of that is we're changing ourselves at the very core of who we are, and it's changing every relationship we have, and most importantly, it's changing us from within.

[79] And that's the beauty of this.

[80] Look, if you go through a program or your methodology is behavior management, right?

[81] Now, some behavior management is fine, but most behavior management, tools don't work because you're trying to manage the behavior of another human being.

[82] That doesn't work.

[83] If I were to come to you as a grown adult and say, listen, couple areas of your life, I'm not happy with.

[84] I'm just going to manage your behavior.

[85] And I'm just going to spend time with you every day.

[86] And I'm going to point out every time you do something wrong.

[87] And then I'm also going to give you a consequence.

[88] And at the office, every day you're going to be on the red, green, or yellow on the behavior chart, right?

[89] And before you leave the office every day, I'm going to either give you a happy face sticker or a sad face sticker, depending on how you behaved according to my arbitrary standards.

[90] Right?

[91] You would hate that.

[92] You'd be like, that doesn't work.

[93] You'd be like, give me tools to succeed.

[94] Let me know what it takes to succeed.

[95] Give me some tools.

[96] And then give me some space to work things out.

[97] And I'll be great for you.

[98] And that's what your kids want to say to you.

[99] they don't know how to say it.

[100] See, oftentimes when kids yell at you and call you names and they melt down, it's an immature way for them to say, mom and dad, I know what you want.

[101] I know that.

[102] And I'll do it.

[103] I may not do it the way you want.

[104] I may not do it exactly in the way you would do it.

[105] And I may not always do it according to your timeline.

[106] I'm not talking about doing their school work and doing their chores.

[107] I'm just talking about general life stuff.

[108] right but i know what you want me to do and i can do it but would you take the pressure off of me would you stop trying to micromanage me because it's suffocating and so let me give you a couple examples of this and this is beautiful with this mom because there's this whole there's this whole um liberation that comes it frees you from thinking i have to create the perfect home i have to create the perfect child no you don't have to do that You have to work on yourself, and the byproduct of that is your kids will change very quickly when you focus on controlling and changing yourself.

[109] And the other byproduct is you get to become a new person in your daily life, not in relation to anyone else.

[110] You will find yourself free from the anxiety and the cares and trying to control everything and your family dynamic, your larger family dynamic with your own brothers and sisters and your parents and your grandparents and family get -togethers and everything else in politics, in religion and every other aspect of your life where you're trying to control other people and control situations, it only yields frustration.

[111] And when you get to be liberated from, this thought of, I don't have to fix everyone.

[112] I don't have to fix everything.

[113] I don't have to fix society.

[114] I don't have to fix this group of people that believe different.

[115] from me?

[116] No, I get to fix and control myself.

[117] And when I do, I find that I am a resource to other people and people come to me. And now I'm kind of a light shining out to people by my example, not by trying to fix them.

[118] So here are a couple examples.

[119] So one is one of their kids struggles with emotional meltdowns.

[120] And so what typically happens, you can picture this.

[121] A couple kids, there's a job with emotional meltdown.

[122] mom in the moment tends to get triggered by her son getting upset right there's a whole interplay of like he gets upset and then mom gets upset because mom thinks oh did I do something wrong what's going on is he going to hit the walls is he going to do this why is my child unhappy is there something wrong with him did I do something wrong can you kind of hear all of that going through your brain so mom gets triggered well when mom gets triggered that triggers back to the son and he gets even more upset now you take a husband Most of us, I'll speak for me as a man, we have no idea what to do in that moment.

[123] But when I hear my wife getting upset, my first thought is, I'm going to go shut this down right now.

[124] And what happens, I walk into the room and try to shut it down, and I end up yelling, screaming, using some kind of tone with my son.

[125] Now, that just triggers my wife again, right?

[126] Poor mobs.

[127] It's a wonder, most of you probably have PTSD or adrenal fatigue of some kind, because you spend your whole life trying to manage your child's emotions, imagine your husband's emotions.

[128] And what is dad doing now?

[129] He's now trying to control his son's emotions so that his son doesn't make his wife upset.

[130] See how that whole, see how that happens?

[131] And it just escalates every time.

[132] So in this example, what the mom did, and what I've encouraged her to do is, go to your husband and say this.

[133] Don, here's how I could use your help.

[134] When our son gets upset.

[135] You don't have to fix it.

[136] You don't have to come in and know the right thing to say.

[137] You don't have to calm him down.

[138] You also don't have to shut him up.

[139] Here's what I want you to do.

[140] Every time he gets upset, I simply want you to do this.

[141] You walk in the room and calmly say, Jacob, I need your help.

[142] Could you come help me out in the garage?

[143] Jacob, I need some help.

[144] I've got to run to the grocery store right now.

[145] We need some milk.

[146] Would you come along and help me?

[147] We've got to go take recycling.

[148] Son, I need your help.

[149] Would you go walk around the neighborhood with me?

[150] Son, I really want to get some exercise.

[151] Son, I want to play catch.

[152] I want to go outside.

[153] Would you come outside and we'll play catch?

[154] I don't care.

[155] But here's the point.

[156] You give your husband something that he can control and you take the pressure off of him.

[157] And I guarantee your husbands will love that.

[158] Okay, so I don't have to fix everything in this situation.

[159] Nope.

[160] So I don't have to say exactly the right thing.

[161] Nope.

[162] I don't have to calm you down, honey.

[163] Nope.

[164] What do I have to do?

[165] You walk into the room, you address our son calmly.

[166] You say, Jacob, I could really use your help.

[167] Come help me. And then just take him somewhere.

[168] Because here's what you know about.

[169] I know about your kids.

[170] You know about your kids.

[171] If hubby can take that son out to the garage to build something, something they enjoy, listening to music, to the grocery store, wherever for 10 minutes, hubby doesn't even have to talk to the child.

[172] They don't have to talk about the discipline.

[173] They don't have to talk about their emotions.

[174] It's better if they don't.

[175] Go do that for 10 minutes and bring our son back because in that 10 minutes, guess what will have happened?

[176] Your son will have calmed down and your wife will have calmed down.

[177] And now, what usually happens?

[178] Most of our kids are contrite when we give them some space to go through and process their emotions and we're not standing over them, telling them talk to me about your feelings right nobody wants that but this husband didn't fix the situation all they did is walk in and say son i need some help and then led him and took him somewhere don't even have to talk to your son brings him back and when he comes back now mom is calmed down she's no longer triggered son has calmed down now they will probably have a good discussion and come up with a solution and problem solve does that make sense but here's the thing I took the pressure off the husband.

[179] He doesn't have to fix it.

[180] We took the pressure off mom.

[181] She doesn't have to know exactly what to say in the moment.

[182] And we took the pressure off our child because in the moment, he doesn't have to, you know, you need to control yourself.

[183] You know, what are you feeling right now?

[184] What are your emotions?

[185] Tell me. Tell me now.

[186] Tell me your emotions and then fix them.

[187] Right.

[188] We just took the pressure off.

[189] Right.

[190] And when you take the pressure off, it just happens, right?

[191] And you come from it from a calm place.

[192] second idea that came out from this mom, which was awesome.

[193] I give her so much credit is social skills.

[194] One of her sons is not really great at social skills.

[195] It doesn't have a lot of friends.

[196] And so this is a really cool thing that we're finding out.

[197] We've got this curiosity camp thing.

[198] And it's about, instead of, watch, in reality, it's this.

[199] Instead of for 12 years of your child's life, making them go to school and just try to do things that are not interested in and then call them failures because they're not really good at school and they're not motivated by it.

[200] We want to use this time and get our kids actually doing what they're really good at doing, using their gifts and talents.

[201] And one part of this besides identifying your kid's strengths, which, by the way, if you want your kids to be successful in life, you better figure out what their strengths are.

[202] Because what we inadvertently do is, and watch, all of this plays together.

[203] Well, I want my son to be successful.

[204] We have to do this.

[205] So, But he's not good at these things.

[206] So let's get a tutor and let's get a psychologist and let's do this and let's try to fix this.

[207] Well, what if instead of spending all of your time trying to fix your child's weaknesses, you began putting them in a place where they shine and where they can use their strengths?

[208] I bet that would lead to confidence and that will lead to motivation.

[209] And one part of the curiosity camp, and you can find it on the website, there's a tab that says curiosity camp, is we do a personality test.

[210] which we love.

[211] And so here's what we find out in cases like this.

[212] The mom is an extrovert.

[213] She loves friends.

[214] She loves having friends.

[215] And it's anathema to her to think, why would I not have lots of friends?

[216] I get so much support there.

[217] But what we find out is her son is an introvert.

[218] And he actually likes being alone.

[219] And he doesn't fret over not having a lot of friends.

[220] The only time he frets and thinks something's wrong with him is when, his mother or father comes and says, hey, do you want to get together with his guys?

[221] Because you really need to be involved in that because it would be really helpful if you made some friends.

[222] And so, watch, this kid was perfectly fine, being happy, being an introvert, doing what he wanted to do, right?

[223] And because he's a very creative kid, because most creative people are introverts, right?

[224] And a lot of them are.

[225] And so he's happy doing things alone.

[226] He was perfectly happy until the parents came along and started imposing what they need on their kids.

[227] See how that works?

[228] Well, I'm not happy unless I have lots of friends, and my son doesn't have a lot of friends.

[229] Therefore, he must be sad.

[230] So let's pressure him to make friends.

[231] And inadvertently, what we do is we make him feel like there's something wrong with him.

[232] When the inverse is true, and we need to go to that child and say, There's nothing wrong with you at all.

[233] You get energy from being by yourself, and that's why you're such a deep thinker, and that's why you're so creative, and that's why you come up with all these stories that you write.

[234] And this is why you're so good at doing X, Y, and Z. There's nothing wrong with you at all.

[235] If you do want some friends, I can show you a couple tips of how to do that, right?

[236] We don't want to dominate conversations, right?

[237] The best way to have a friendship is to ask other people about themselves.

[238] It's a dinner party role.

[239] Go to a dinner party.

[240] Hey, what do you do?

[241] Where did you take your last vacation?

[242] And you start asking people about what they're interested in before you know it.

[243] They love you.

[244] Why?

[245] Because you ask them about themselves.

[246] And so you give your kids tools.

[247] In the area of your child's weakness, you give them tools.

[248] We show them, if you do want to make some friends, here's a good way to do it.

[249] Here's how I've learned to do it.

[250] But that's a lot different than going and starting to say, well, you could really use some friends.

[251] Why don't we sign you up for that?

[252] Then the child internalizes, there's something wrong with me, and now there's pressure, because every time he comes home from school or scouts or whatever activity, watch with the conversation.

[253] Well, did you meet anybody?

[254] Did you make friends?

[255] Is there anyone you want to invite over?

[256] Can you feel all the pressure?

[257] And see, it's two points of pressure.

[258] One, you're putting pressure on yourself to try to make your child be like you.

[259] When what we've determined is your child's not like you and doesn't need to be like.

[260] you.

[261] Thank God, because you're filled with anxiety.

[262] You're a freak.

[263] So I'm kidding.

[264] Well, I'm not kidding.

[265] You are, and so am I. That's what parenting is.

[266] It's about learning not to be a freak and dumping all of your issues on your kids because it's your anxiety you need to control.

[267] It is your perfectionism.

[268] Your control issues.

[269] You control yourself.

[270] And then you are free to see your kids and affirm them for who they are and apologize to them at times.

[271] You're like, listen, I'm sorry.

[272] I've been imposing what I want and need on you.

[273] And that's wrong.

[274] And so for now, I'm going to control myself and be happy with my own self.

[275] And I'm going to affirm what you're good at doing, right, and take the pressure off.

[276] So when this mom realizes, now think of all the pressure that's taken off.

[277] She doesn't have to fix her sons now.

[278] she doesn't have to know exactly what to say in a moment with the one and she doesn't have to make her other child have friends and so she can go about enjoying her life and now watch all of that negative because it is it's negative energy spent trying to fix your kids can now be spent enjoying them for who they are instead of spending all of that time and that's partly what we're doing with the curiosity camp we have all this time instead of trying to, spending all this time trying to fix what's wrong, we can build on what's right, and we can teach our kids.

[279] This is the way you're wired.

[280] This is the way you're made.

[281] If you're going to be successful in life, you've got to go with your strengths and use your gifts, talents, and passions to serve and help other people because I've seen you when you do that in your life.

[282] I mean, you are motivated and you are driven.

[283] You do all kinds of things.

[284] So I want to apologize for trying to control you, right?

[285] This will free you up and I promise you when you start to step back because you'll hear this on the strong will child program you'll hear this we talk about this principle when we step back as parents when we step back when we step back from controlling from micromanaging from lecturing trying to fix everything when we step back as parents it gives our kids space to step up I promise you when you control yourself your child will learn better he will learn and probably step out and start making some friendships.

[286] Watch one final thing in this podcast.

[287] Your kids don't feel free to step out and try new things because you're standing over them physically and or emotionally watching them, right?

[288] And they know they can't please you so they won't even try.

[289] Some of you're like, well, my kids won't try.

[290] I promise you when you start stepping back, your kids, will feel free to try, but they want to be able to try and do things without you talking about it and asking them questions about it.

[291] Did you make a friend?

[292] Did you make a friend?

[293] How did you do on that test?

[294] Do you want to try this?

[295] Do you want to try this?

[296] No. Give them some space.

[297] They will start to do things and try new things and step out a little bit when they're out from underneath the pressure, your pressure, to do it your way, to do it their right way, because now they can try it on their own, and they can fail without you standing over and noticing.

[298] That is a very hard thing to do in front of other people.

[299] I just quickly, Casey is visiting right now.

[300] And so I wanted to record this podcast, and I was like, I don't like people listening to me when I do the podcast.

[301] So I was like, go upstairs, put your head buds in, earbuds in.

[302] And so I text them like four times.

[303] Are your earbuds in?

[304] Are your earbuds in?

[305] Why?

[306] Because I don't want them listening to me. I don't like feeling under that pressure.

[307] I want to be able to say what I want to say the way that I want to say it without thinking that someone's going to nitpick it because that's what it feels like for your kids.

[308] So let's end it this way.

[309] Take the pressure off yourself.

[310] Watch what's going to happen.

[311] Watch what is happening in this family.

[312] There's four of them.

[313] dad no longer pressure to fix everything all he knows is when someone gets upset in my home i walk into the room and say hey i need some help child a child b you want to go to the grocery store with me you want to go to recycling i don't care where you go you just want to drive gas is cheap right now there's no traffic why don't we go take a drive and listen to some music for 10 minutes how awesome would that be if that's what dad did we're going to go and we're going to listen to music half the time we're going to listen to music I like and half the time music you like and hopefully you'll find some common ground there so dad takes off the pressure by the way you know what else it did when we're talking to this mom she said I didn't realize I was putting so much pressure on my husband to fix everything and to be as social as I am like yeah that's not going to work hey honey I'm at this new couple you want to go out to dinner with them so you're stuck for three hours talking to someone I was like, that's not going to work, right?

[314] So you take the pressure off, and when you take the pressure off, he'll be more likely to get together, but just do short little play dates for introverted husbands and introverted kids.

[315] But anyway, watch what happens.

[316] We take, now he's freed from the pressure.

[317] Mom is freed from this overwhelming burden to make sure that her kids are happy and make sure our kids have friends.

[318] Now, do you think her tone in the, home's going to be different, think she's going to be lighter, more approachable by her kids, enjoying her life?

[319] Absolutely.

[320] And now the kids, not all that pressure coming from top.

[321] You know what they're going to do?

[322] They'll put pressure on themselves.

[323] It will come from within.

[324] Watch, this is really good.

[325] I'm going to write this down, as I'm saying.

[326] Instead of it coming from without, from on top, you free your child to motivate themselves from within.

[327] That's a beautiful, cool thing.

[328] if you want to do this dig into this stuff man download those programs you start listening let your husband listen let your kids listen listen as a family use it as curriculum and as you do this email us we will help you with any questions uh look into the curiosity camp because it's really cool it's really cool what's happening because we're having families take personality tests and what we're finding out is um we're either just alike which is why we irritate each other or we're completely different which is why we irritate each other right and it's really kind of cool how that works.

[329] If we can help you, let us know.

[330] Email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecom .com.

[331] I want you take the pressure off yourself and your family.

[332] You're good people, and we love you.

[333] We'll talk to you later.

[334] Bye -bye.