Jake Tapper

[0] Hi, my name is Jake Tapper, and I feel cromulent about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Okay, now I have to look that up, cromulent.

[2] Fall is here, in the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, be friends.

[3] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien.

[4] Why are you laughing?

[5] Why?

[6] Why you laughing?

[7] I don't know.

[8] Your voice always gets to a friend.

[9] Because, can I say something?

[10] What happens, I think, I know what you're going to say, when I'm just talking in the moment, I'm myself.

[11] Yeah.

[12] But whenever you guys say, now it's time to start the podcast, I get in my head and I go, what do I do?

[13] I want Matt to do an impression, because I think he knows.

[14] Okay.

[15] So tell me we're going to start the podcast.

[16] Okay, you're Conan now.

[17] And I'll be Matt Garley.

[18] I'm just put down my banjo and my antique felt hat and my best Truman doll.

[19] So, here we go, put that over there.

[20] And then, Conan, you should probably start the podcast now.

[21] Silence, silence, quiet.

[22] Murderer, murderer.

[23] I do say, why do I say murderer all the time?

[24] Murderer, murderer.

[25] All right, so then.

[26] Okay, come on, Conno.

[27] And then you take, like, I'd say 30 seconds and you just go quiet and still, like you're meditating, and then you finally come out of it and go, eight registers deeper than your normal voice.

[28] Hello, there.

[29] Welcome to Conan Bryan.

[30] Is it that bad?

[31] Is it that bad?

[32] I'm not done yet.

[33] Oh.

[34] The podcast where I, uh, I con people into being my friend and then you emerge into yourself.

[35] Because it takes me. Yeah.

[36] It takes me a couple of, it takes, I know, I know.

[37] No, it's not bad at all.

[38] It's not.

[39] No, but I'm self -conscious about it now.

[40] It's this moment of time.

[41] No, no. I think it's that 30 seconds you take to think about it where you go into broadcaster mode when you just got to be old conesio.

[42] B -Rine and get out there.

[43] Tonesy -O -B -Rine.

[44] Yeah, I don't ever want to be Konesy -O -B -Rine.

[45] But you're right.

[46] I get into my head and I think, what is this we're doing now?

[47] And then I look and there's this giant microphone in my face.

[48] And suddenly I feel like I'm supposed to be professional.

[49] And I go, hey, Conor O 'Brien.

[50] And immediately I know I'm not being my authentic self.

[51] And then Sona says something that enrages me. And I say, murderer, silence, silence!

[52] Yes.

[53] And then suddenly we're back to this normal voice.

[54] Let's try it if you don't think about it.

[55] One, two, three, go.

[56] Hey, Conan O 'Brien here.

[57] With Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[58] We're seeing a lot of traffic downtown on the 405.

[59] If you're going to merge with the 101, make sure you stay in the left lane.

[60] We're going to check in now with Scotty Joe.

[61] Scotty Joe, what's going on?

[62] Hey, Scotty Joe here.

[63] I got my puppet Mr. Quiggles.

[64] Well, we'll check back in with you guys later.

[65] Scotty Joe and Mr. Quigles.

[66] You're listening to COB and the chill.

[67] You're listening to C .O .B. in the chill chum.

[68] You know, if we go from the podcast into that kind of radio that would be so fantastic, you know?

[69] It would be kind of retro vintage it might just be cool again.

[70] Wouldn't it be cool again?

[71] And you'd have to talk about guys that are hot, Sona?

[72] Yeah, guys I'm doing.

[73] Yeah, you're doing some guy?

[74] Doing some guy and he's hot.

[75] Tell us all about it.

[76] Yeah, tell us all about it.

[77] Yeah, we did it.

[78] You just start doing, whoa, okay.

[79] That's the most asexual, sexual conversation I've ever heard in my life.

[80] I met a guy, he's hot, we're doing it, and then we did it, and then it was done.

[81] Yeah.

[82] And then it was a done thing that had been done.

[83] So one time again.

[84] It's time for sex reminisces on the 70s.

[85] Yeah, all right, quick update.

[86] If you're trying to get to the 134, just be aware there's been a large, melted cheddar cheese spill all over the highway.

[87] Oh, yeah.

[88] They're rushing beans to that site immediately to mix them in with the cheese.

[89] And Mike Chopper is now, now descending, losing altitude quickly.

[90] I forgot to gas it up beforehand.

[91] This is my final broadcast.

[92] Yeah, I think - You're in the helicopter, too?

[93] I'm in the guy in the helicopter doing the tax report.

[94] Yeah, yeah, and I'm losing - You're in studio and in the helicopter.

[95] Okay, I've crashed, I'm now in my, I'm mired in cheese, cheese on the 134.

[96] I have to tell you, it's kind of a sharp, it's a sharp cheddar, I believe, from the taste of it.

[97] Wait a minute, that's my blood.

[98] Seven minutes after the hour time For another sex remembrance from Sona Back to you with another sex remembrance Oh and make sure you put in some helicopter noises behind me Gorley Later on you do it in editing You don't have to do it now Oh man this is all live We're going live You're right I'll do it Chopper chopper chopper chopper Oh no It's time for another edition of sound effects The theater Chopper chopper chopper chopper Oh no we're going down Descend, crash.

[99] Listen, that was a terrible opening.

[100] So stupid.

[101] I am going to, from now on, yeah, from now on I'm just going to launch right into it.

[102] Hey, Conan O 'Brien, and you're going to hear that other guy.

[103] Who's that other guy?

[104] That's not you either.

[105] I don't know who any of these guys are.

[106] I don't know.

[107] Just do what you do.

[108] I don't mean to make you all self -conscious about it.

[109] It's just, it does, you do like, it's silent and all of a sudden you're like, hi there.

[110] Yeah.

[111] You know, it's so funny at home, if I say something, if I say, something my wife doesn't like, she'll say, like, wait, what did you say?

[112] I'll say, don't worry about him.

[113] He's just crazy.

[114] I know.

[115] And she'll say, worry about who?

[116] And I go, you know, Conan's just being that way.

[117] And she'll say, wait, you're Conan.

[118] And I'll go, no. And it totally gets me out of it every time.

[119] That's pretty good.

[120] Yeah, I'll be like, yeah, I say, so I'll be talking to her.

[121] So you be Liza.

[122] And I'll just say something like, oh, well, could we eat sooner?

[123] What?

[124] Can we eat sooner?

[125] You know what?

[126] Don't, don't worry about him.

[127] He's just, you know what he is?

[128] He's narcissist.

[129] It's all about him and his show and his podcast and just walk away from him because you know what, you're better than him.

[130] And she's like, who are we talking about?

[131] Yeah, who are you talking about?

[132] Trust me. Conan's just a dick sometimes.

[133] But you know what?

[134] And then I become her confidant who's the good guy who's allying with her against Conan.

[135] It's fantastic.

[136] That sounds healthy.

[137] Try it.

[138] It's very healthy.

[139] When my children look at it and then they leave the room and they just cry.

[140] Okay, that makes sense.

[141] And they know that, hey, I got to get going with our guest today.

[142] He's fantastic.

[143] He is, of course, CNN's chief Washington correspondent and host of the lead with Jake Tapper, which airs weekdays at 4 p .m. Eastern.

[144] He's also a New York Times best -selling author.

[145] His new book, The Devil May Dance, is available now.

[146] I'm very excited.

[147] He's with us today.

[148] Jake Tapper, welcome.

[149] Cromulant.

[150] Matt, do you know what Cromulant is?

[151] Hell no. I don't know what Cromulant is.

[152] And I like to try and, know what words are.

[153] Is that mean you're Cromwellian, meaning that you want to lead a successful revolution in England as a la Cromwell?

[154] I don't think so.

[155] There's a lot of debate about whether this is a real word or not.

[156] Does it come from the Simpsons?

[157] Yes, it comes from the Simpsons.

[158] Oh, see, I never know Simpsons trivia, ever.

[159] I've worked on it.

[160] I know, but that's the thing is when you work on a show, you don't know this stuff.

[161] And people are always coming up to me and saying, so in Mr. Plow.

[162] And I don't know what they're talking about.

[163] What was cromulent?

[164] It's a nonsense word, along with the same kind of a noble spirit in Biggins, the smallest man. And so somebody's asking about the word in Biggin, and somebody objects to it, and the other person says, I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

[165] That's cool.

[166] Well, see, Simpson's fans will be delighted, and other people will just fast forward through this section, which I think is allowed.

[167] which I think is allowed.

[168] You know, Jake, our listeners don't know this, but you and I are friendly in real life.

[169] That's it?

[170] We've devoted me to friendly.

[171] I'm friendly?

[172] Yes, we are friendly.

[173] I'm going to say we're so friendly, one could even qualify us as friends.

[174] I mean, I think I've literally slept at your house.

[175] That doesn't count as friend.

[176] I literally have something at your house.

[177] Do you remember that?

[178] That's another thing I was going to bring up.

[179] Do I remember it?

[180] I don't know.

[181] I spend so many.

[182] Well, what happened?

[183] At the houses of late night hosts, they all run together?

[184] I don't know.

[185] You might be one of those late night sluts that just moves around sleeping it, you know, it's by house and then it's Fallons and then it's Cordons.

[186] You know, you just might jump from late night house to late night house.

[187] If you're at Fallon's, you don't remember much the next day, I'll tell you that.

[188] Those are just rumors.

[189] He's never had too much.

[190] Listen, here's my, what I remember, you were in ten.

[191] and I very kindly offered that you stay at my house.

[192] I don't remember if there was a gift in a ball or not.

[193] I don't.

[194] It was a lovely home.

[195] It was a lovely guest room.

[196] So this is a true story.

[197] So I'm sleeping.

[198] I'm sound asleep.

[199] And then I just, you know when you wake up and you're just aware of something, I woke up and Jake was standing in my room looking at me. And he was dressed in a suit.

[200] He was dressed for on air on CNN.

[201] True.

[202] And he was just staring at me. And you looked at me. for a bit and I looked at you and then you just walked out of the room and I brought it up in the morning and you denied it and then I searched your luggage and you had no suit so I don't know how any of this was possible.

[203] It's possible you dreamt it.

[204] It's possible that something was going on with Liza that, you know, can be dealt with therapy.

[205] I mean there's all sorts of all kinds of all sorts of possibilities with it.

[206] But not only have I slept at your house, I have lunched with you and your wife with my wife.

[207] Your lovely wife.

[208] We were the Flintstones and the rubbles.

[209] I don't know.

[210] I'm going to say you were the Flintstones and we were the rubbles.

[211] I'm going to give you the...

[212] Are you making fun of my feet?

[213] No, no, no. It's giving you the alpha.

[214] Oh, thank you.

[215] I appreciate that.

[216] I thought you're making fun of me for having Fred Flintstone feet.

[217] No, not at all.

[218] Although you do start your car, but you've cut out the hole in the bottom of your car.

[219] And I enjoy a good rhinosaurus burger is also the truth.

[220] You know, I think we became friendly And I think the cement is that we both love and have this insane obsession with presidential history and American sort of arcana.

[221] You know, like just, well, first of all, you often send me something that's available on eBay.

[222] Well, I bring it as a gift for the show.

[223] So everybody who knows you, who listens to the show, knows that you have a lovely mug, a Dwight Eisenhower mug.

[224] I believe he's in uniform.

[225] It's an army, Dwight Eisenhower, not a press.

[226] It's, I think it's, it's, it's circa World War II.

[227] collectible which is these old mugs so I think one of the first times I came on your show I brought you I believe a general MacArthur mug to go with it and then I came back the next time and it was nowhere to be seen the general MacArthur it was not I wasn't gonna first of all I thought you could put it next to the Eisenhower to the World War II generals could be friends well they weren't friends they both had well MacArthur had a crazy ego and didn't get along with Eisenhower and I knew that that would upset Eisenhower.

[228] So then I brought you a Mamie Eisenhower mug the next time.

[229] I brought you Mamie, his wife.

[230] Next time I came on your show, also still not there, still not.

[231] I didn't realize I took those mugs home.

[232] I wasn't going to, that's a bad precedent to say.

[233] Third time.

[234] Because General Montgomery, the British.

[235] Yes.

[236] The British General Montgomery.

[237] And by the way, keep in mind, Sona, he never, like it never appeared again.

[238] I never saw it.

[239] It was not.

[240] It was not in his office.

[241] It was not at home.

[242] It's in my house.

[243] No, first of all, you have not, it is, he's are at home.

[244] But what I wasn't going to do is leave them out on the desk because then, okay, carrot top comes on the show and, you know, leave some shattering teeth, as a guess, and I've got to leave them.

[245] And soon it's Peewey's playhouse.

[246] I can't do that.

[247] And also the Montgomery, General Montgomery, I know all you listeners are going, that's right, you know, led British forces, famously, you know, fought the Germans in North Africa.

[248] Of course.

[249] And then led British European forces in, and hated Patton, just absolutely hated him.

[250] Duh.

[251] But anyway, duh.

[252] And then, but anyway, he didn't look like Montgomery.

[253] He looked like the dad on different strokes.

[254] It was a terrible depiction.

[255] There was Conrad Bain.

[256] Yeah, he was Bain -esque.

[257] He was Bain -like.

[258] The MacArthur wasn't good either, by the way.

[259] The MacArthur...

[260] Oh, no, no. The MacArthur really wasn't good.

[261] It was hideous, frankly.

[262] The better Eisenhower story is, and this is crazy.

[263] Oh, this is how sick we are.

[264] Go ahead.

[265] And Jake, you were the one that you're enabling, like, I have a sickness when it comes to this presidential history and American history.

[266] And then, and 20th century history, and you enable it and you add to the sickness.

[267] I did love it.

[268] Tell everybody what you did.

[269] I got a random invitation in an email.

[270] And, you know, I get a lot of these.

[271] I'm sure you do, too, Conan.

[272] Did I want to have dinner in New York?

[273] Was it the 75th anniversary of the D -Day landing?

[274] It was something like that.

[275] It was some historical night having to do with World War II, and the Eisenhower granddaughters were going to be there.

[276] Lovely ladies, probably in their 60s, I would guess, something like that.

[277] Yeah.

[278] The Eisenhower granddaughters.

[279] And did I want to do that?

[280] And it turned out, I live in D .C., you live in L .A., but both of us were.

[281] in town for Warner Media, or maybe it was TBS, whatever it was, whatever our parent company was at the time, Sweeps Week.

[282] So we were both, I knew you were going to be in New York, and you and I had gotten together before during that week.

[283] And so I said, this is going to sound crazy, but I think you're the only other person in the world that would want to do this with me. Do you want to go have steak to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the D .D .D. Landing with General Eisenhower's granddaughters.

[284] Yes.

[285] And what I love is that the text I get is, hey, I lined up a pretty good night, you, me, and the Eisenhower sisters.

[286] And it was so funny because it was suddenly, it was like Lenny and Squiggy are dating these two sisters.

[287] Now look, again, the Eisenhower sisters could not be lovelier, and their, and their granddaughters of the great president and general Eisenhower.

[288] And they could not be lovelier, but it was just so funny because it was all couched in this.

[289] Right, as if it was Fonzie going out with like, you know, the...

[290] Leather Tuscadero and pinky Tuscadero.

[291] Exactly.

[292] And so we show up at this thing, and of course they're delighted to see you because this is how we're an odd couple.

[293] You are a legitimate figure in pop culture.

[294] So you walk into the room and the Eisenhower granddaughters are saying oh my God, it's Jake Tapper Jake Tappert, it's so good to be here.

[295] And you went, yes, and this is Conan O 'Brien.

[296] And they were trying to be nice.

[297] That's not true.

[298] That's not true.

[299] They could not pick me out of a police lineup.

[300] Not true.

[301] And they knew about, and at least one of them, Susan, I think, knew about the mug on your table.

[302] You are perhaps the most prominent fan of Dwight David Eisenhower alive today.

[303] I can't think of one.

[304] I've worked hard to get the word out on Dwight D. Eisenhower among this slacker generation and, you know, these punks today, and to try and instill a sense of history and responsibility.

[305] I think we're the slacker generation, by the way.

[306] That's like, that's such a dated reference.

[307] You're actually referring, like, we are technically the slacker generation.

[308] Oh, it's us?

[309] We are slackers.

[310] Generation Z thinks of, like, that's like you describing the baby boom generation, like, or the greatest generation.

[311] These young kids today, the greatest generation.

[312] Yeah, but you know what's funny?

[313] I'm doing something that my dad does.

[314] My dad is so, it was, I think, 15 years old when World War II ended.

[315] So he was too young to, you know, be involved in any way, or 15 or 16.

[316] But he is so in love with and know so much about World War II that he now talks as if he fought in the war.

[317] And I think he's convinced he's watched so much.

[318] many of these documentaries and so many of History Channel things that I think he really does feel like that pain in his hip is not that he's in his 90s it's that he took shrapnel at Iwojima and so...

[319] He fought in the Pacific though when you...

[320] He fought in the Pacific, well he fought in both in his mind and not one and then the other in his mind he probably believes now that he was jumping from the European theater to the Pacific and then back again.

[321] He was just constantly commuting between these fronts and the war and I was, I think I've read so much about this history that I'm starting to feel like, you punks, you don't know what it was like in World War II.

[322] I'm like, you idiot.

[323] You came of age in the 1980s, you idiot.

[324] What are you talking about?

[325] You're a comedy writer.

[326] You're a comedy writer.

[327] And I'm like, yeah, but when I was writing comedy, I took some shrapnel.

[328] When?

[329] When did you take shrapnel?

[330] It was a sketch show I was working on.

[331] Making the jump tall on air was tough kids.

[332] It was tough.

[333] I had to work with John Levitts.

[334] He was an easy.

[335] He used to want a lot of cake, and we had to get him his cake.

[336] Yeah, just really real foolishness.

[337] I've always been, so I think anyone listening right now consents.

[338] There's a real affection here.

[339] Yeah, we're not friendly.

[340] I mean, can we revisit this again?

[341] I think we have established now, and everybody listening knows, we're friends.

[342] Now, maybe you're embarrassed to admit it, or maybe there's something in you that is.

[343] No. No, you, Jake, you legit.

[344] No, no, you legitimize me. I'm happy about it.

[345] We're friends.

[346] If I come to Los Angeles, I let you know I'm coming so we can grab dinner.

[347] I mean, this happens.

[348] Yes, I know.

[349] Let me explain what happened when I said, we're friendly.

[350] I was the first one to make the statement, and I didn't want to be wounded.

[351] I didn't want to be.

[352] You didn't want to be, you thought I'd reject it.

[353] Okay.

[354] Well, I thought it was possible if I said, hey, we're friends that maybe, you know, you'd make some snide comment and then I'd be.

[355] Oh, life's too short for that.

[356] be so filled with shame.

[357] So I think what you sense there was me being afraid to really open up.

[358] You don't want to be vulnerable.

[359] I don't want to be vulnerable in front of Jake Tapper.

[360] And you served in World War II?

[361] In both theaters.

[362] Because it's my crusty, I served with my father, which is very unusual for a father and son to fight alongside each other when one is underage and the other is not born yet.

[363] But yeah, I fought with my father in both theaters of World War II.

[364] And I think you punk's today don't know what's going.

[365] You young gen Xers.

[366] Getting back to it, it was really fun.

[367] We had this dinner.

[368] It was great.

[369] Both Eisenhower granddaughters were there.

[370] And then I think you and I, at some point, I think we got put at a kids table.

[371] I don't know.

[372] Yeah, I don't think they definitely didn't put us at the good.

[373] You know who was there?

[374] I mean, it was such an elite clientele.

[375] And yes, definitely Conan and I were not put at the head table.

[376] But there was, who was the guy who was Jackie Onassis's husband?

[377] Yes.

[378] Maurice Templesman was there.

[379] A Belgian American businessman and diamond merchant is what Wikipedia says.

[380] Born in 1929.

[381] And he introduced himself to me that way.

[382] He said, I'm a Belgian diamond merchant.

[383] Diamond merchant.

[384] And so that was the kind of party.

[385] We were in this super insane bubble of kind of important people, and they put us at this little card table, which I think they made the right call.

[386] Yeah, these two stooges who are on television.

[387] And the thing is about Maurice Templesman is like he's so successful and wealthy, he doesn't care if we know who he is.

[388] I think that's the reason we had to kind of search for his name.

[389] Like he doesn't, he dated Jackie Onassis because like, wow, that's like the greatest woman he could, you know, in his social circle.

[390] But he's not like out there dining out on it.

[391] Nobody cares.

[392] Like he, you know what I mean?

[393] He's so successful.

[394] He doesn't need to be on television and get approval the way you and I do.

[395] Yeah.

[396] And we kept throughout the dinner, either one of us or both of us or.

[397] you know, sometimes in unison would shout, we're on television.

[398] Oh, God.

[399] And I think that's why we got put at that smaller table.

[400] Oh, no. And I was trying to do bits.

[401] I was trying to convince people.

[402] I actually have a bad habit of showing footage of my show on my phone.

[403] Oh, no. And the Eisenhower sisters, they weren't having it.

[404] They asked me to please sit down.

[405] You have that thing that I don't have, Jake, which is that you can, you're a very funny guy, talented guy, and a witty guy.

[406] but then you can always be the guy that's saying some important news just came in and you have this gravitas.

[407] I don't have that.

[408] Occasionally on my show, I try to say this just in and some important news, but inevitably it's the beginning of a sketch where there's a chimp wearing a World War I helmet.

[409] I think I'm mildly amusing for a news anchor.

[410] I think that's what it is.

[411] It's like a like a dog that can catch a frisbee really well.

[412] Like, it doesn't catch a, it doesn't catch a, it doesn't catch a Frisbee well compared to, like, humans, but for a dog, that's pretty good.

[413] That's what I'm like with, like, humor.

[414] Like, I can, you know, you and I will talk and, like, you know, maybe one thing I'll say in a 15 -minute conversation is, like, you know, gets a smile out of you.

[415] It's, you know, but I'm happy for that.

[416] I'm happy for it.

[417] But I am a serious person, generally speaking, which is why I have the gravitas as it were.

[418] I think something, and the reason maybe I said, Friend Lee, instead of.

[419] or friends.

[420] And I'm going to keep going back to it too.

[421] Yeah, this is going to haunt me forever.

[422] I've always been slightly jealous of your bromance with Paul Rudd.

[423] Oh, yes.

[424] You are very tight with Mr. Paul Rudd.

[425] And, you know, I always think that on occasion, the three of us have gotten together.

[426] And I always sense that you guys are happier to see each other than you are to see me. And then I get in my head about that.

[427] And I go, I guess I'm no Paul Rudd because I'm actually aging like a human being.

[428] His thing is freakish.

[429] I do not even understand why he looks the exact same now than when I met him 15 years ago.

[430] Like it's crazy.

[431] I do, which is, I found out that he has a chamber that he sleeps in.

[432] That would make sense.

[433] It's filled with Pons facial cream.

[434] And he just lies in it face down and these little straws go in his nose and feed him oxygen.

[435] And so he marinates in Pond's cream all night long.

[436] That's a true fact.

[437] Like Bill Hurried.

[438] in altered states.

[439] So...

[440] Yes.

[441] So...

[442] But you have to admit, it's threatening to me. I'm threatened by your your closeness with Paul.

[443] No, no. I think Paul is...

[444] Paul is just on this level of rarefied air and like every now and then he'll come down and I'll say hi to him, but then he'll go back up.

[445] You'll remember when the three of us got together in New York, you and I were hanging out at a bar, at a hotel bar, and then I told Paul I was in town and he asked where and then I told him, and he came and he met the two of us.

[446] And where did he just come from?

[447] Do you remember this?

[448] He had just been playing poker with Al Pacino.

[449] Yeah.

[450] Oh my God.

[451] Like that's the life that Paul lives.

[452] Paul literally has stories about like Paul Newman making him salad dressing.

[453] Like not, he didn't just grab a bottle of Newman's own.

[454] He made salad dressing for so, you know, that's the life he leads.

[455] Yeah.

[456] And we didn't have anything.

[457] You said, oh yeah, no, I just played hungry hungry hippos with Wolf Blitzer and Paul just sort of I remember he rolled his eyes yeah and uh huh and I said I have a Christmas card that I got once from Pee We Herman and I tried to produce it but couldn't find it he was on that different level and then that was pre -Antman then he gets Antman and forget it he's a Marvel hero now he has reached now he won't return Pacino's phone call What happened?

[458] By the way, so speaking of Marvel, I...

[459] I know you're there.

[460] Pick up the phone.

[461] You're Petino in person.

[462] You got to pick up the phone.

[463] Let's make the call.

[464] I got to be on the edge.

[465] Where I got to be.

[466] Your bad bums, the lot of you.

[467] Oh, my God.

[468] A man's soul.

[469] You are out of order.

[470] Anyway, yeah, that's Paul Rudd now.

[471] he will never speak to him again so do you know so have you watched all the marvel movies because i am now i waited to watch a whole bunch of stuff for my kids to be old enough to watch it with me like the harry potter movies all the superhero movies and now my kids are 11 and 13 they could not give a shit they do not want to see superhero movies they do not want to see harry potter movies they could they couldn't care less so now i'm watching them by myself and and they're very so but i'm only up to Civil War, Avengers Civil War.

[472] So I still got a ways to go.

[473] Have you watched them all?

[474] Well, I'll tell you something.

[475] My kids are really into it.

[476] That makes me jealous.

[477] And they're a little older now, but when these, it's a couple of years ago, they were really into these movies.

[478] And I was watching with them.

[479] And I forget which Avengers movie it is.

[480] It's somewhere in there where they're trying to assemble the fraggle rock and it turns into a glove.

[481] I forget what it is.

[482] That's every superhero movie, by the way.

[483] Yeah.

[484] So they're trying to get all the stones together.

[485] and it's like the second of those or the first of those and I had a revelation but I will share with you now which is at one point the sky opened up into a portal from another universe and monsters started coming out of it and there was a giant dragon and there's different and everything came out of this portal and there were no rules like they were gods that came out and so one of them could punch Thor and he'd go flying but then Captain America who's just a strong man would punch one of them and they go strong.

[486] But yeah, I mean, you know.

[487] He's as strong as like three men.

[488] He's basically someone who you'd, if you hire any mover at a moving company and he's almost as strong as Captain America.

[489] He's basically just like The Rock.

[490] But he put Tyso off.

[491] Yeah, he's, he's Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

[492] And okay, you're like really impressed.

[493] That's great.

[494] It's like, you're really fit.

[495] If there's a meteor coming.

[496] But you take out a gun and you shoot him.

[497] You're like, sorry, Rock.

[498] Yeah, and he, yeah, exactly.

[499] That's right.

[500] And so.

[501] But look at his calves.

[502] I do.

[503] I do often.

[504] I have a poster in my room.

[505] Sona's shaking her head.

[506] Yes.

[507] But listen, here's my point.

[508] My point is a problem.

[509] Go into another room with his calves for God's sake.

[510] I walked out of the screen, I walked out of, you know, this movie, and I went in the lobby, and my kids were like, what's the problem?

[511] And I went, I can't do portals.

[512] I don't like movies where the sky opens up and anything can come out.

[513] And you don't know what the rules are anymore in the movie.

[514] and, you know, the script writers just go, oh, what the hell, have something open up in the sky, and that'll be Act 3, and stuff comes out, and everybody's fighting everything.

[515] And anybody...

[516] This one can kind of happen in Justice League, too, in the D .C. Yes.

[517] Yeah.

[518] Yes.

[519] What I'm saying is that I'm portals.

[520] If, and I'm on notice to D .C. and Marvel, stop it.

[521] Stop having the sky open up, work within the framework that you've created, and make a viable universe, and then follow those rules, and stay up, and figure out a way for you here wrote a giant.

[522] Don't open a portal in the air and like, oh, look, it's a creature.

[523] It looks like a giant, you know, corn cob, but it's shooting a beam that's made of jewels that then turn into French baguettes.

[524] Like, it's just stupid.

[525] But if you take these four, you know, superpowered games of Simon and put them together, then you can close the portal.

[526] Right.

[527] Yes.

[528] Can I just say that this discussion did not go the way I thought it was going to go?

[529] Why?

[530] Yo, oh, you thought we'd be talking about.

[531] about, oh, democracy's in peril.

[532] It is.

[533] Oh, what do we do?

[534] It is, but can we not talk about it?

[535] That's what I talk about all day.

[536] Yeah, exactly.

[537] You know, Matt, first of all, all that stuff's going to straighten itself out.

[538] No, probably not.

[539] Unless somebody opens a portal.

[540] We need a portal.

[541] What's going to happen?

[542] Liz Chayne is going to get as one of the super rocks.

[543] Mitch McConnell is going to be just about to destroy voting rights.

[544] And he's about to be, he's just about to do it when the sky is going to open up.

[545] and a bunch of crazy characters are going to come down.

[546] That's how people get there quickly.

[547] Yeah.

[548] Sorry, Jake.

[549] So all I wanted to say is so I'm watching, so I'm catching up on all these movies now, and I'm watching Batman versus Superman.

[550] Because I wanted to see the Snyder Cut.

[551] I started watching it.

[552] I'm like, oh, shit, I need to watch Batman versus Superman first.

[553] And then I start watching Batman versus Superman.

[554] And I'm like, oh, shit, I need to watch Man of Steel first.

[555] So then I, anyway, let's proceed.

[556] In Batman versus Superman, they have CNN anchors.

[557] that have cameos.

[558] I think Anderson's in it, and Dana Bash is in it.

[559] And Dana, do you remember, this is, I mean, this movie came out 10, 15 years ago, so spoiler alert.

[560] There's a, there's a scene in which they frame Superman that makes it look like Superman caused a terrorist attack in the Capitol.

[561] Do you remember this?

[562] Did you watch this movie?

[563] Yeah, and it's not that long ago.

[564] I think it's like five years ago.

[565] Okay, well, it doesn't spoil the movie, but anyway.

[566] The point is, Superman is framed.

[567] He didn't do this.

[568] But anyway, Dana is in the movie.

[569] My colleague and friend is in the movie.

[570] movie, basically on television regurgitating anti -superman talking points.

[571] Like, no, I mean, and I couldn't, I'm like, you know, you're allowed to change the script if they give you stuff that you don't want to say.

[572] I mean, I get that, like, you know, we got asked to do it, and I put, I would have done it too.

[573] I say yes to anything like that.

[574] It's fun.

[575] But, and it's the only way that your kids, you know, my kids ever get to see me do anything.

[576] But, but, but I'm like, Dana, you know, like, why, why are you on television reading, like, anti - Superman talking point.

[577] Superman's a good guy.

[578] Like, you know, you know that Superman's good, right?

[579] She's like, yeah.

[580] So you're saying that, that Dana, you think, hurt her journalistic credibility by going anti -superman, which they would do on Fox.

[581] Only on, only on Metropolis, but yes.

[582] Only in Metropolis, but yes.

[583] She's lost her street credit in Metropolis.

[584] Yeah, I think, exactly.

[585] Like, I mean, she should have, she said, well, she had, there was a whole scene that she did where she, and Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams were talking and da -da -da, and it would have, you know, her character would have come out more, but it didn't make the cutting room floor.

[586] So she's just, she's like the judge, Janine, of Batman versus Superman, just like saying nonsense that we know is not true.

[587] It's very upsetting.

[588] This is, um, I love it.

[589] I love that.

[590] See, this is a side.

[591] I want, I want everyone, this is the real Jake Tapp where I know that you, you have all this, you have this credibility.

[592] and people admire you and respect you.

[593] This is what it's really about.

[594] Yes.

[595] And is that you are spending most of your time critiquing Anderson Cooper's performance on Batman v. Superman.

[596] He was funny.

[597] The other thing I'd like to say is it's like...

[598] The other thing I'd like to say, and I think...

[599] I'm getting behind your anti -portal position, all right?

[600] I'm 100 % behind it.

[601] I'm total anti...

[602] And listen, I'm asking my listeners, too, contact Marvel, contact DC and say, enough with the portals in the sky.

[603] Stop it.

[604] I guess the point is, like, they need to have a reason to have the whole gang together.

[605] And so what could it possibly be because we know that they're strong enough to defeat any army?

[606] So it needs to be from a portal.

[607] But I don't buy it.

[608] Get more creative.

[609] No, no, no. Just say it's Thor's birthday and everyone's getting together, you know, at some Norse restaurant up on the Upper West Side.

[610] And that's when they attack and they're all together.

[611] That's all you have to do.

[612] You don't have to have a portal.

[613] I don't know, but how do people get there quickly?

[614] You know, that's the whole point.

[615] Get where quickly?

[616] Get to the battle quickly, you know?

[617] You know, are you pro portal?

[618] I sound like she is.

[619] I'm arguing.

[620] You know what?

[621] You're a portal apologist.

[622] And that's the worst kind of person you can do.

[623] You really have to be on one side or the other.

[624] You can't straddle portal or pro portal or anti -portal.

[625] You have to be one or the other.

[626] I'm pro.

[627] I'm pro portal.

[628] Okay, well, your days on this.

[629] You know what I'm going to say, Sona?

[630] I'm so mad at you right now that I think around July 2nd, I'm going to make you take a hiatus.

[631] That's my due date for my twins.

[632] You can say that if you want to save face, but as of around July 2nd, you are banned from being with me for a while until I decide that you can do that.

[633] For Leopold and Loeb, her babies.

[634] Please name them Leopold and Loeb.

[635] Okay.

[636] Do you want to know a little bit of them?

[637] A little bit about Leopold and Loeb?

[638] No, you know, we're good.

[639] Maybe we should talk about democracy.

[640] So the other thing I wanted to say is, I think that if you are in the Marvel universe, then you have to have the ethics and the strength to not then go into the DC universe as an actor and both.

[641] You can't be J. Jonah Jameson, Peter Parker's boss, and then turn around in your Commissioner Gordon for Batman.

[642] You can't do it.

[643] Simmons, you can't do it.

[644] You can't, it's not fair.

[645] You can't be one of Aquaman's evil gremlin fishmen and then turn around and be the green goblin fighting spider -man.

[646] You can't do that.

[647] You can't be Daredevil and Batman, Affleck.

[648] You have to pick, so I actually think, I'm actually an unapologetic Affleck fan, and I don't care what anybody says.

[649] And he's good as Batman, but I'm sorry he was Daredevil first.

[650] Sorry.

[651] And that ruined his Batman for you, didn't it?

[652] I'm just like, how can he also be Batman?

[653] How can he also be Batman?

[654] Yes, you have to make a decision at some point which superhero you're going to be.

[655] And also you have to choose Marvel or DC.

[656] And this jumping from bed to bed is just disgusting.

[657] Exactly.

[658] I am totally with you on this.

[659] Thank you.

[660] I'm not nearly as passionate about it.

[661] I have one issue, which is no portals.

[662] Your thing is you want actors to line up and commit to a role and stick with that role.

[663] And also, yeah, and I find it to a role and commit to a universe.

[664] You can't do D .C. and also Marvel.

[665] You have to choose one or the other.

[666] And whatever you pick.

[667] Are you okay with, are you okay with Ryan Reynolds being Green Lantern, but then later on being Deadpool?

[668] Oh, that's interesting.

[669] No. Although, really.

[670] I really.

[671] The Green Lantern, he admits, totally fizzled.

[672] Doesn't that almost mean he gets another try?

[673] it wasn't a viable...

[674] Deadpool, he's really good in Deadpool.

[675] He's great in Deadpool.

[676] Those movies are so good.

[677] So what I'm saying is by your logic, Jake, by your very own logic, you think that Ryan Reynolds should have been barred from playing Deadpool because he had already had a role playing Green Lantern that nobody saw or cared about.

[678] Yes.

[679] I submit to you, sir, that you are wrong.

[680] I submit to you, sir.

[681] I submit that there are sacrifice that one makes for principle.

[682] Is that what you're suggesting?

[683] I mean, like, it's a...

[684] I don't know what you're talking about.

[685] Principle does not come with...

[686] If there were no...

[687] I mean, that's what principles are.

[688] You uphold them even if sometimes it's inconvenient.

[689] Right.

[690] Like, you honor democracy, even if your candidate loses, right?

[691] Yes.

[692] Here we go.

[693] There you go.

[694] You did a beautiful job of bringing it around.

[695] But I still want to frustrate anyone who's tuning in.

[696] to this podcast to hear us to discuss serious issues.

[697] Tuning in.

[698] I know, what do you mean?

[699] They just start listening now?

[700] If they've made it this far, they've been listening to all.

[701] If anyone who's made it this far, maybe should be rewarded with like a dose of something real.

[702] We're going to get to that.

[703] I want to just make sure that I give you props on your second novel.

[704] Your book came out, The Devil May Dance.

[705] You were very kind to send me a copy in advance, and I did read it, and I told you how much I liked it.

[706] And then it gets this beautiful rave review in a little paper, I haven't heard much about, called The New York Times.

[707] I couldn't believe it, yeah.

[708] Congratulations.

[709] On a sincere note, congratulations.

[710] And then I have a pitch I'd like to make to you because anyone who's listened, if you haven't noticed, and I've said this before, Jake and I are both obsessed with sort of, especially mid -century America and America in the 1950s and 60s and your first book, Hellfire Club, sort of takes place post -war 1950s, Eisenhower era.

[711] But then the second book, Devil May Dance, takes place in 1961, 62.

[712] And every page is packed with, like, three or four famous historic figures, and all the stuff that happened at that time is playing out in real time on the accurate dates.

[713] And I was going to pitch myself for the audiobook.

[714] I'd like to play both Kennedys, if that's possible.

[715] Well, the audiobook's already been done.

[716] I regret to say I will say this I will say this I did the audiobook for the Hellfire Club the one that takes place in 54 they did not the publisher did not ask me to do the audio book for this one what the devil made dance which I took as an insult to be completely frank but also they asked you to do the first audio book and then they said we're good on the second one yeah they did but I will say this I would like to have a Kennedy off with you because I did do the Kennedy voices for the first book.

[717] They're in there as Senator John F. Kennedy and Robert Kennedy, who worked on the Senate side for the Joe McCarthy's commission.

[718] They're characters in this book, too, obviously, because they're the president and attorney general.

[719] Now, when I do Robert Kennedy, when I do Robert Kennedy, it's kind of up here.

[720] But when I do Jack Kennedy, it's a little lower and a little slower.

[721] Thoughts?

[722] So basically, your Jack Kennedy.

[723] Not Kennedy is Bobby Kennedy if he fell in a well.

[724] Is that how it happens?

[725] And hit his up.

[726] Yeah.

[727] So Robert Kennedy's walking along and he's sort of up here, Mr. Chairman.

[728] He's a little reading and he's up here.

[729] And then he trips on a rack and he fall.

[730] And then he's down here and he's got a little more gravitas, toss, toss.

[731] Yes, that's exactly it.

[732] I thought only little girls laughed and giggled Mr. Giancana.

[733] Mr. G. Yeah.

[734] Yeah, Mr. G. No, I just want to make sure that I do get the word out on the double -made dance.

[735] So I'm so going to really.

[736] The book inspired, this is what inspired me, the true story, and you already know this, I'm sure, because you're such a history buff.

[737] The rap act came out for Kennedy in such a huge way in 1960, and Sinatra even rewrote one of his songs, high hopes, and all that.

[738] they did the inaugural ball and performed at the inaugural ball, and they were friends, this and that.

[739] And when Sinatra, what Sanatra was expecting that when President Kennedy came out to California as president, he would stay with him at his Rancho Mirage compound, his estate there near Palm Springs.

[740] And he had it built up, and he had brooms at it, and he had telephone lines installed.

[741] He had a helipad built.

[742] Yeah, all true.

[743] But then Bobby Kennedy, the Attorney General, was investigating organized crime.

[744] and somebody pointed out to him that his brother's friend, Frank Sinatra, was friends with a lot of people in organized crime, including Mr. G. and Kana.

[745] So then Bobby Kennedy had a dilemma.

[746] You know, does he not let the president stay with his huge supporter and insult him of Sinatra?

[747] Or does he let his brother sleep at a place where mobsters had literally slept while battling organized crime?

[748] So that's the true story and also the premise of the book, the inspiration for the book, because then I have my main character is Charlie Martyr, who's a Republican congressman.

[749] like in the Eisenhower realm of Republicans, as opposed to the Matt Gates realm.

[750] And Margaret, his wife, who's a zoologist, go out and investigate to see if Sinatra's really mobbed up or if it's kind of just a bit.

[751] And that's the premise of the book.

[752] And what's a real true story, as you know, is that the decision that the Kennedys make is that JFK will not go stay with Sinatra.

[753] He'll go and stay with – I always heard he stayed with Bing Crosby.

[754] He did.

[755] You stay with being great.

[756] This is not really a spoiler for the book.

[757] It's not a spoiler at all for the book.

[758] But yeah, he's staying.

[759] And if it is a spoiler, I apologize.

[760] So, but what's important to know is in real life, this broke Sinatra's heart.

[761] It really broke his heart.

[762] It destroyed him.

[763] And one thing that is very seldom pointed out, but like in May 1962, and this is the last chapter of the book, In May, 1962, JFK has his famous birthday party at Madison Square Garden.

[764] That's also a fundraiser.

[765] It's when Marilyn Monroe sings, happy birthday, Mr. President, and all that.

[766] Although she's, you know, everybody thinks it's so sexy.

[767] She's stoned out of her mind and, like, months away from dying.

[768] It's really sad, yeah.

[769] Sinatra is not part of that celebration.

[770] Peter Lawford's there, other members of the Rat Packer there, Shillam Klan, et cetera, et cetera.

[771] He's not there.

[772] And, like, that's it.

[773] They broke up, and it really broke Sinatra's heart.

[774] it really was, I think it destroyed him.

[775] And later in life, Sinatra's a hardcore Republican.

[776] And so it's this big schism for him.

[777] You know, he was, and that's why I liked that you, that is sort of the centerpiece of the book or, I wouldn't say the centerpiece, but.

[778] It's what everything is around, it's like the structure, the chronological structure.

[779] But there's a ton of other stuff going on in terms with mobsters and the Church of Scientology is there and all sorts of, young ladies and mystery and murder and Sona told me she's going to read it to induce labor which I thought was a strange a strange thing to say but she's going to give birth to twins one is going to come out talking a little up here like Bobby and the other will be down here saying I'm being a bien biennard No, so you know you'll have that representation education.

[780] Go, go, and also gaga.

[781] So you have your goo -goo, and you have your gaga.

[782] This is what I have to say about that.

[783] Oh, my God.

[784] Oh, please.

[785] I just would love it if these little guys came out.

[786] And yeah, mother, and mother, mother.

[787] For no reason at all, just because Jake suggested it.

[788] Wait, wait.

[789] My friend Matt Clam, who's a brilliant writer, a fiction writer, and he and I were hanging out one time.

[790] And this stuff seldom amuses wives, I will say.

[791] Yes, trust me. So we hung out one time.

[792] This is 2004, we're hanging out.

[793] And we just thought something.

[794] We weren't drunk.

[795] We weren't high.

[796] There was nothing going on.

[797] But we just decided to spend an afternoon talking as if one of us were John Kerry and the other one was Bill Clinton trying to give him advice.

[798] And so one of them is like, hey, John, what are you doing for your convention?

[799] John, you've been to Vietnam, right?

[800] You've been to Vietnam.

[801] That's right, Mr. President.

[802] I have.

[803] She's alive.

[804] John Forbes Carey.

[805] I have been to Vietnam.

[806] Tell me, is it true what they say about the girls there?

[807] You know, just like it was always like Bill Clinton, like, introducing some serious subject, John Kerry.

[808] Fonder all in poppycock, Mr. President.

[809] And then Bill Clinton would just, like, swoop in and just ask the crudest, grossest question involved remotely.

[810] And we did it for hours, and I swear to God, our wives went on many walks.

[811] We thought it was very funny.

[812] Yeah, yeah, the wives give that a wide berth.

[813] We're going to go on a walk.

[814] That's real funny.

[815] That Carrie Clinton thing you got going.

[816] That's funny.

[817] Yeah.

[818] We'll see you in six hours when this unspools.

[819] I got to let you go, because I'm told that you have real things.

[820] things to do, which I can't believe.

[821] This is a joy.

[822] I'm a fan of this show.

[823] You three give me much pleasure.

[824] And so I get to thank you.

[825] And Conan knows I listen because I will text him and tell him one's particularly good.

[826] No, you texted me once that there had been a mistake that we should look into.

[827] During an ad.

[828] You re -ran an ad, yeah.

[829] That an ad re -ran, and it was somehow it re -ran incorrectly.

[830] And so I come into the meeting of the podcast people and I said, I think there was a mistake and they were saying, there's no mistake.

[831] And I said, no, no, no. Jake Tapper sent me this thing.

[832] You should look into it.

[833] And they went, well, Jake Tapper's insane.

[834] And they came back and said, yeah, yeah, something went wrong.

[835] Jake Tapper's right.

[836] Well, it was one of the, it was, you know, I was obviously a commercial that you do, right?

[837] You're, you're, and it was just you did it twice.

[838] And I'm like, they didn't mean for that.

[839] Yeah, they reran it twice accidentally, the exact same one.

[840] It didn't bother me. I fast deported me. No, no, but I love that.

[841] Just so everyone out there knows, the quality control on Colonel O 'Brien needs a friend is Jake Tapper listening to every episode and phoning it.

[842] It's the only note.

[843] It's the only note.

[844] It's the only note.

[845] Yeah.

[846] No, I just was very happy for you to do this because I do want people to know, and they're seeing it now.

[847] Your books are very successful, your novels, but I wanted to show this other side of you.

[848] You're a very talented guy.

[849] you're very funny, you're very thoughtful, you're a very good cartoonist.

[850] And I just thought like, oh, I'd love to have you on the podcast where we can shine a light on this part of you that doesn't always get to come out when you're doing the news and our world is collapsing.

[851] So I was really glad you could do it.

[852] Well, it's an honor.

[853] It's a pleasure.

[854] Like I said, I'm a huge fan.

[855] Am I the first non -entertainer, per se?

[856] No, we've had...

[857] Robert Caro.

[858] Robert Caro did it.

[859] Oh, my God.

[860] Michelle Obama.

[861] You're a hero, Robert Carrow.

[862] Yes, my hero, Robert Carrow.

[863] I stocked Robert Carrow.

[864] Michelle Obama.

[865] Oh, right, of course.

[866] Of course.

[867] Of course.

[868] And so I'm trying to think.

[869] David Sedaris?

[870] I mean, he's...

[871] He's a humorist.

[872] Yes.

[873] So I think Sedaris counts as an entertainer.

[874] But yes, of course, you've had those major political figures.

[875] I apologize.

[876] I should have known that.

[877] Well, you shouldn't.

[878] The truth of the matter is I don't...

[879] When I leave work, I very seldom listen to anything that has to do with my day job.

[880] That's exactly what I do.

[881] I don't want to...

[882] Yeah, you have to clear your head.

[883] That's why you're in some dark room watching Batman v. Superman or Avengers Number 77 and saying no, no, no, no. You can't play Doc Octopus when you also played The Ridler 15 years ago.

[884] No, I think it's a good principle And I think you'll have fans that are going to say, I agree with you on the portal and I agree with Tapper even stronger on the choosing your universe.

[885] Choose your universe.

[886] I will say, like I do watch a lot of entertainment, whether it's comedy, but I also watch a lot of drama when I get home because I do want to clear my head of the news, even, you know.

[887] And I've been watching mayor of Easttown.

[888] Is that?

[889] Yeah, yeah.

[890] I have not seen it yet, but I've heard it's good.

[891] It's good, but it's also funny because I'm from Philly.

[892] And they make a big effort to do the Delaware County accents.

[893] And successful or not?

[894] No, it's good.

[895] It's just funny to those of us from the region because, you know, I love it.

[896] Like, for instance, when I hear the First Lady, Jill Biden speak, and she has such a Philly accent.

[897] She's from Willow Grove, which is a suburb outside filling.

[898] She's such a Philly accent.

[899] To me, it's like music.

[900] To me, it's like a melody.

[901] But for most people, for someone to say, oh, he overgused.

[902] You know, it's not, it's not, it's not pretty, it's not, it's not a pretty sound.

[903] Or a pretty sentence.

[904] No, she had a hoagie, she had a hoagie and then she overdosed.

[905] That reminds me of when that movie, the perfect storm came out, and all the actors decided we're going to do Boston accents.

[906] And I think George Clooney very wisely just said, I'm not doing it.

[907] So he just did her, for, he was the only one that didn't have a Boston accent.

[908] And then some people went really, like, hardcore on the Boston accent.

[909] And one of the actors in the film is she's watching the storm and seeing where it's coming.

[910] She's, like, looking at it on TV.

[911] And then she knows where that boat is that all of her friends are on.

[912] And she goes, someone says, are they headed towards that storm?

[913] And she just looks at that person and goes, they're in the jaws at a monster.

[914] And I stood up in the theater and I don't remember what I had in my pockets, but it was thrown.

[915] And so every now and then, I'll just be driving, you know, if there's a slight rain here in L .A., it never rains.

[916] But like, three drops, I'll be like, I mean, they're jaws and a monster!

[917] Jake Tapper, you're a scholar, you're a gentleman, you're multi -talented, and the devil may dance is a lot of, it's a lot of fun.

[918] It's a good read, and so go and get your copy right now.

[919] Run, don't walk.

[920] Thanks, guys.

[921] Keep up the great work, all of you.

[922] Let's take a voicemail from one of the listeners and hear what people have to say.

[923] What do you guys think?

[924] It sounds like we have no choice, and this is what you've decided to do, and we have to do it.

[925] Let me rephrase that.

[926] We're going to take a voicemail, God damn it.

[927] Hey, Conan.

[928] This is Mike Williams from Kelso, Washington.

[929] and I am a fellow pale -skinned, handsome, ginger person such as yourself.

[930] I don't really have a question.

[931] I've more got a complaint.

[932] I haven't heard.

[933] There's been several guests that I thought would say something when they say, I am X, Y about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[934] I've been waiting for someone to say, I am unseasonably horny about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[935] So I don't know if you can make somebody say that or write it in or somebody's.

[936] I just really want to hear it on the podcast.

[937] I think it's funny, but I'm not that funny.

[938] Well, I think Mike brings up a good point.

[939] Very few people, I don't think, in fact, none of the guests have confessed to this encounter with me being erotic in any way.

[940] You and Jeff Goldblum had like a sonic love session.

[941] Yes, yes.

[942] Right.

[943] Okay, Jeff Goldblum, but he can have that with a ham -on -rise sandwich.

[944] I mean, that's a guy who anything, you know, he gets into an elevator and he, and he, he's, hits his floor and he's like, oh, oh, you know, everything's erotic to him.

[945] So you don't get any points for that.

[946] I think what Mike Williams is bringing up here, he's not completely off that some people.

[947] Now, why does he say unseasonably horny?

[948] Because I don't think of, I mean, yes, with wildlife, I guess there are seasons when, say, the sap rises, the flower opens.

[949] What?

[950] But what's happening?

[951] Do humans have a season?

[952] Do we have a sexual season?

[953] I don't think I...

[954] I don't know.

[955] I mean, I'm not the most sexual person.

[956] But is there a sexual...

[957] When he says unseasonably horny, that's the part that threw me a little bit.

[958] I don't know.

[959] Does he mean that literally or it just means like unbelievably horny?

[960] Yeah.

[961] I don't think that there's a season to be horny for a person.

[962] Mike, now listen, he's from...

[963] Horny season?

[964] He's from Kelso.

[965] Washington, and maybe that's, you know, it gets cold and rainy there for a lot of the year.

[966] And maybe there is a time when the clouds part, that low ceiling disperses, that cloud cover.

[967] And suddenly there is a season of raw sexuality.

[968] And maybe that's what he's talking about.

[969] I mean, they say spring, then we're in it right now.

[970] Yes.

[971] Who's they, Matt?

[972] Oh, my sex counsel.

[973] Yeah.

[974] You know, as my mother always used to say, spring is sprung.

[975] The grass is ris.

[976] I wonder where the flowers is.

[977] Oh, is that what she meant?

[978] That's, it's horny season?

[979] No, don't talk that way about my mom, Sona.

[980] What the hell are you doing?

[981] No, she wasn't meaning that way.

[982] Spring is horny season.

[983] Then you set a poem about spring.

[984] Well, just reminded me on my sainted mither.

[985] She used to say to us, spring has sprung, the grass is raised.

[986] I wonder where the flowers is.

[987] And I thought, oh, that's a great little ditty mom.

[988] And then she'd have us all do Irish step dancing.

[989] You know where you keep your legs really straight?

[990] Wow.

[991] I wonder why no one.

[992] has ever said you make them unseasonably horny.

[993] I thought, okay, you all have your nice little laugh.

[994] Good one, Sona.

[995] You made me look like a fool.

[996] Has anyone ever said you make me seasonably horny?

[997] No, nobody's...

[998] Has anybody ever said you make me horny?

[999] Look, okay, that's great.

[1000] That's great.

[1001] That's great.

[1002] Everyone has their nice little chuckle at Conan's expense.

[1003] I just think it's weird.

[1004] Mike wants you to make a guest say this about you on your podcast.

[1005] Well, first of of all, if a guest wants to say that, they may. That's up to them.

[1006] But I wouldn't want to make them say anything.

[1007] Well, some guests we know listen to this podcast, so maybe if there's a future guest listing, they should take note and come in right out of the gate with unseasonably horny.

[1008] Yeah, but then I'll know it's not real, you know?

[1009] And what if it's someone I find very attractive?

[1010] And then I...

[1011] What if it's like Ed Asner?

[1012] Well, with Ed Asner, I would be very happy if I made Ed Asner unseasonably horny.

[1013] That would delight me. I grew up watching Lou Grant and our sexuality is a spectrum.

[1014] It's a continuum.

[1015] And I'd be very happy to make Ed Asner delighted in that way.

[1016] But my point is that I don't want to force a guest to say anything or get in their heads in that section of the show.

[1017] I want it to be a free expression of how they feel in that moment.

[1018] Now, if future guests want to say that I'm there, I'm their hull pass, you know, anything like that, to that degree, you know, that they find me. What are you mumbling?

[1019] What are you saying it?

[1020] Whenever I get talking about something is kind of erotic, I just sort of mutter and mumble.

[1021] Oh, God.

[1022] Making me unseasonably unawed.

[1023] That's, maybe one of that.

[1024] That's my sexy talk, is I just, and you can't quite hear what I'm saying.

[1025] Whenever I've tried to talk dirty in my life to a potential mate I start going and they're like, what are you saying?

[1026] What happens sometimes in the past a woman said talk dirty to me I'd go Oh no You don't have to Sassafras They'd be like yeah that's what they would say Sassafras And why don't you speak up Oh Do you need help sir?

[1027] It always ended with EMT's coming and, uh, oh no. Yeah, it would be mistreated.

[1028] Uh, people would say always had something's gone very wrong with this man. And I would later on say, look, I was just trying to talk dirty in an erotic moment and I was overcome with frustration and anxiety.

[1029] And so I started soft mumbling, uh, words like sassafras and corncub.

[1030] And, uh, that's why it all went south.

[1031] I don't know.

[1032] Mike, you got the wrong guy, you know?

[1033] You just do.

[1034] You do.

[1035] You got the wrong guy.

[1036] There are any.

[1037] There are plenty of podcast.

[1038] people out there that are sexy and a guest might say that it's not going to happen for me it's never going to happen for me and it shouldn't happen that's not why people come to kona brian needs a friend you know this is not an this is not an erotic thrill ride clearly it might actually be the exact opposite of an erotic thrill ride that i can promise you no one has ever been aroused by listening to this program that is a guarantee it's impossible it's absolutely impossible yeah i think we have about that on this show before that it was a boner killer.

[1039] Yeah.

[1040] Matt, you know what you could have done.

[1041] You could have made the choice to go, oh, Conan, you know, you're being too hard on yourself, and you're a handsome guy, and there are people out there.

[1042] You know, you could have done something like that.

[1043] But you didn't.

[1044] You double down on, oh, yeah, remember boner killer?

[1045] Yeah.

[1046] Remember that?

[1047] You're like, okay, that's nice.

[1048] I'll do it.

[1049] I'll do it.

[1050] No, you're wrong.

[1051] No, it's just let it go.

[1052] Oh, Conan, come on.

[1053] Yeah, there's so much raw sexuality seeping out of you.

[1054] Now I'm getting all hot and, bothered.

[1055] No, I'm getting hot and bothered now.

[1056] Ew.

[1057] What are you doing?

[1058] Sassafran.

[1059] Oh, God, come on.

[1060] Boner killer, boner killer.

[1061] Sassafras.

[1062] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam Obsessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1063] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1064] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1065] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1066] incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1067] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1068] The show is engineered by Will Bechtin.

[1069] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1070] Got a question for Conan?

[1071] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1072] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1073] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1074] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.