Chris D'Elia

[0] Welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dax Shepard.

[2] This is Maximus Mouse.

[3] Monica Pladman.

[4] Thank you.

[5] You're not looking super Maximus right now because you just put a blanket over your legs because you were chilly.

[6] I wasn't chilly.

[7] It's the most beautiful day in Los Angeles I could ever imagine.

[8] Yeah, not to make people mad at us who are in frigid cold right now.

[9] I don't even care because you know why?

[10] Because we've been experiencing a lot of.

[11] actual horrible weather here and but the drought's over the drought's over yes exciting we're celebrating this is one of those things where I'm pretending like I'm happy that the drought is over okay I mean look I am in theory but I hate the rains so much so yay the drought's over but I I don't want more rain I don't like it okay I know you have seasonal mood disorder well well well well Well, it's called sad.

[12] Oh, that's clever.

[13] I know.

[14] Works on a lot of levels.

[15] I understand your position.

[16] Thanks.

[17] But, you know, the folks in Nebraska have been suffering floods.

[18] But you know what?

[19] We're paying a really high price to live here.

[20] That's true.

[21] That's what I've been saying with all this rain.

[22] I'm like, guys, it's expensive to live here and the taxes are super high.

[23] You know, you get what you pay for, and this is not what I paid for.

[24] I have felt the same way.

[25] Yeah.

[26] Yeah.

[27] Who do we complain to about that?

[28] Gavin Newsome?

[29] Sure.

[30] How do you say?

[31] his last name.

[32] Newsom.

[33] Newsom.

[34] Yeah.

[35] Okay.

[36] There's no N deep in there, nunsum or anything.

[37] No. And actually, if I'm, I'm probably wrong, but I actually think there's no W in there.

[38] I think it's N -E -U.

[39] Oh, I'm probably wrong.

[40] I don't know.

[41] Like news, the son of a newsman?

[42] This is an intro we're doing.

[43] Yeah, so let's get to a Chris Dahlia.

[44] Oh, there is.

[45] Okay.

[46] Chris Dahlia, who is a hysterical stand -up, who I have seen live a couple different times and immediately fell in low.

[47] with.

[48] He also has a great podcast called The Congratulations Podcasts with Chris Delia.

[49] He was on many different TV shows.

[50] Whitney.

[51] He was on Whitney.

[52] Undatable.

[53] And undatable.

[54] And he's very funny.

[55] Yeah.

[56] And so please enjoy Chris Delia.

[57] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[58] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[59] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts as you walked in here chris de lea that's how i introduce you uh you said i don't know if we've met and we i'll tell you where did we mean i'll tell you where we met it was at um the comedy store okay is that the right name of it yeah the one that's by the deli yeah uh oh maybe laugh factory the laugh factory okay okay and i was there and i did a set and in tom arnold was hosting do you remember this tom arnold would do like a night there yes and i my god i performed and then you performed and i was aware of you in some capacity i think maybe you had already done the show with whitney or that was just happening so i knew you were and i wanted to talk to you about it on here because i was very prepped to dislike you oh okay yeah yeah and i mean naturally if i see a guy who's like vaguely handsome but so when i saw you take the stage i was like i don't know i don't think i like this guy he's cool he's got cool hair he's got like all this swagger i'm not going to like this guy and then then despite all that that's the whole i started in i just immediately loved your set i thought you were fantastic and i came up to you afterwards and really fond over you and stuff so that's you know what i do remember that you know what here that's uh it's funny i'm i'm used to i feel like i always like am ready for somebody to not like me especially in the comedian world because like you you know, I've heard a lot of like, oh, yeah, you know, people are funny because they're, you know, they're outcast or this and that and like, you know, but being an outcast is in your head.

[60] It has nothing to do what you look like.

[61] Do you know what I mean?

[62] 100%.

[63] So, but yeah, so I've always felt that let outcast.

[64] But yeah, I remember meeting you now, but what happens is, you know what it is, is you're too well known.

[65] If you're too well known, I forget, I forget that I met you because then you're, because I knew who you were obviously before I met you.

[66] And then I met you.

[67] And then after that, it was just like, oh, but you're still Dex Shepherd.

[68] And then that just like, I forgot that I met you because you're still that guy that's in quote unquote larger than life in my head.

[69] Do you know what I'm saying?

[70] Well, first of all, that's hard for me to imagine them that in your head.

[71] Because you're you.

[72] But I have had the exact same experience where I see someone and I have this sense of familiarity like, oh, I've I've met them.

[73] That can't be it.

[74] I just know them from shows.

[75] Yeah.

[76] I've done it the wrong way too where it's like, oh, we've met.

[77] And they're like, the guy's like, nah, I was just on the real world.

[78] And I'm like, oh, yeah.

[79] Do you know what I mean?

[80] So it's like, sure.

[81] So I have that fear.

[82] It's hard to navigate.

[83] The one that blew my mind was I met John Hamm somewhere.

[84] And I said, oh, my God.

[85] It's awesome to meet you.

[86] I'm a huge fan.

[87] He goes, dude, we've hung out.

[88] And I go.

[89] that's not possible.

[90] And he goes, no, no, we've hung out.

[91] And I go, I don't think so.

[92] Like, I'm a big fan.

[93] I would remember hanging out with you.

[94] And he goes, here's what happened.

[95] We were watching football.

[96] You said this.

[97] I said this.

[98] And then I was like, this guy, this is exactly how I sound.

[99] Like his memory of our interaction sounds exactly what I would be saying.

[100] And I go, how could this be that I wouldn't remember meeting John Hammond, who I at the time worship from Madman?

[101] Madman.

[102] Yeah.

[103] It's bonkers, right?

[104] He, that, it's weird how that does happen, but it does happen for sure.

[105] Now, uh, and I was also quite aware of you because, uh, I'm friends with Ricky Glassman.

[106] Yeah, I thought so.

[107] Okay, cool.

[108] And so I, of course, would hear a lot about your show while you're onundatable.

[109] Yeah.

[110] And then I know Bill as well.

[111] So I do feel like I know you better than that.

[112] And Jackie tone.

[113] You're your friends with Jackie.

[114] Yeah.

[115] I know Jackie from, uh, years ago.

[116] She's in, uh, the glow.

[117] Yeah.

[118] Yeah.

[119] She's doing quite a while.

[120] Yeah.

[121] I think she was on the rap.

[122] show on Stern the other day, which is a big thrill for everyone.

[123] Have you done Stern?

[124] No, I never did Stern.

[125] I did the, I don't know, they got another show or something.

[126] The wrap up show?

[127] Is that what it is?

[128] Yeah, the wrap -up show.

[129] Yeah.

[130] Well, because he loves Whitney.

[131] Yeah.

[132] And Whitney loves you.

[133] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[134] Does she love you?

[135] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[136] Yeah, we love each other.

[137] She's like my sister.

[138] You know what I mean?

[139] She's just great.

[140] Whitney Cummings.

[141] Yeah.

[142] When did you guys meet?

[143] We were just like kind of started stand up around the same time.

[144] And, you know, you know, it's like so, so fucking scary to start doing open mics.

[145] Oh, yeah.

[146] And we started in Hollywood.

[147] So it's like, it's even more because it's like you're not, you're trying to be seen, but you're trying to not be seen.

[148] Do you know what I mean?

[149] Because you don't want to be seen too early.

[150] Right before you're going to think you suck.

[151] But you also want to get in front of an audience.

[152] So it was, it was her and I kind of, we would run into each other.

[153] And I think she maybe started a little bit before me because I would see her and I, already be like who is this she's good she's funny and then we just kind of like you know it's one of those things where it's like you run into each other enough and then you're like okay i guess we're going to be seen each other what's the deal yeah and then uh we're we became really close we became fast friends and then she said i always said this but she said uh because we were friends we would we would even like write together you know and then she would be like and then one day she was like i wrote a sitcom and i want you to play my boyfriend and i and i and you know you hear that and you saying okay i wonder who's going to end up playing it well there you have two thoughts like well there's no way your sitcom's getting made well that does that secondly if it does they certainly won't like you cast me of course yeah so she wrote it and you know i auditioned for it i went through all the things with the hoops and you know and she was she had my back and i got the part and then we made the show yeah yeah and that was on for two years yeah two years yeah okay but i want to go back So I always find it really interesting when the rare times where someone comes in here and their parent was in show business.

[154] Oh, yeah.

[155] So your dad is a director.

[156] Yeah, he's a director and a producer.

[157] Yeah.

[158] He's working on a new show with Avalongoria coming out, I guess, the end of this year, or maybe next year.

[159] I don't know what it is called Hotel something.

[160] It's a very good son.

[161] Yeah, I'm a fucking great son.

[162] Stellar son.

[163] It's called like a hotel California.

[164] No, that can't be yet.

[165] That's what most people know about their parents.

[166] That's the amount of knowledge most people have their parents' jobs.

[167] Well, for you, yes.

[168] Yeah, for me. You're super guilty of that.

[169] Because her father is an engineer.

[170] He's a civil engineer, which I have great interest in.

[171] And as I've tried to drill down into what exactly he does, she runs out of info really quick.

[172] Yeah, that's good.

[173] That's like I don't know shit.

[174] If it would somebody be like My friend's dad worked All he would say when I was in high school I'd say what's your dad doing You would say import export I don't know what the fuck that means That means a lot in New Jersey Where you grew up Right?

[175] Yes yes yes Because a lot of the graph The Mafioso graph It took place in import export Because you're sifting off the top Of these deliveries Did they have a really nice house Like Tony Soprano?

[176] Yeah Yeah Oh they did Yeah But you grew up in New Jersey And your dad is a first generation Italian.

[177] Is that accurate?

[178] That's not accurate.

[179] Yeah, I think that is accurate.

[180] Okay.

[181] I believe that is accurate.

[182] His mom and dad moved here from him.

[183] Yeah, I think so.

[184] They're from Bari.

[185] What do you call him Nana and Pee or what?

[186] What do you call?

[187] No, no, no. No, you know what?

[188] They were over here already, I think.

[189] I think it was their parents that came over.

[190] Oh, okay.

[191] I don't fucking know.

[192] I'm bad.

[193] Not only my bad son, I'm a bad grandson.

[194] Yikes.

[195] Yeah.

[196] Yeah.

[197] Well, we'll probably expose you to be a bad boyfriend before we're through.

[198] That's where we're going to end up.

[199] When I was, I remember thinking, too, like, this is kind of jumping all over the place, but I had the worst memory.

[200] My parents would tell me shit, and I'd be like, oh, I forget it.

[201] I don't know where I'm from.

[202] I don't know what the hell they're from.

[203] And my grandmother was dying.

[204] And I remember thinking, she's dying.

[205] I'm going to go have a fucking long conversation with her.

[206] I'm going to remember, because I want to know where she was from.

[207] I want to know about her childhood.

[208] I want to know about her mom.

[209] Sure.

[210] I went up.

[211] I had a, I was sat there for an hour and a half talked.

[212] It might have been two hours talking, this and that.

[213] And then.

[214] I learned so much and I just don't remember it now.

[215] You just did a data dump on your way home.

[216] And I feel bad, but I think that I just have a bad memory or what the fuck.

[217] I don't know what it is, but I don't remember.

[218] Can I ask you a super personal question?

[219] Are you on antidepressants?

[220] Yeah.

[221] Well, yeah.

[222] Yeah.

[223] So my wife is, and she's very open about it, which I applaud.

[224] Lexa Pro.

[225] People need it.

[226] Yeah.

[227] Is that part of it?

[228] I don't know.

[229] She has the worst.

[230] Chris, we've gone on vacations to places that she doesn't remember that we've gone on.

[231] And, well, I hate to say this, but that makes me feel way better.

[232] I bet.

[233] Because I thought I was, like, going to get dementia at, like, 40.

[234] She has the right, Monica?

[235] She's talking regularly about, she thinks she has Alzheimer's.

[236] Early onset, Alzheimer's.

[237] Yeah, she's quite convinced she has it.

[238] I mean, I don't remember.

[239] She doesn't.

[240] But again, this is not, I'm, I do think if you're evaluating, I'm being absolutely miserable in life versus having a great memory of the conversation.

[241] Yeah.

[242] Oh, you must pick.

[243] Oh, no, Alexa Pro helps.

[244] Yeah.

[245] Yeah.

[246] Yeah, and weirdly, I think there's something aspirational about it, which is living in the past really doesn't help anyone all that much.

[247] You know, being present and aware of today really is, you know, in some bizarre way, I think we're all pretty attached to the past.

[248] Yeah.

[249] And often a pathological way.

[250] So I don't know that it's even bad.

[251] It's a real human thing.

[252] Yes.

[253] To think about the past.

[254] Yes.

[255] Well, that we have this really corny saying in AA, which is, if you know, of one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you pee all over today.

[256] Do you like that quote?

[257] I do like that quote.

[258] Well, because it has peepy in it, right?

[259] Yeah, I like pretty much any quote that ends with people.

[260] But it is really curious with my wife.

[261] She has this terrible memory.

[262] And then, right, Monica?

[263] She'll stumble on to a topic about her childhood and that she's his incredible memory.

[264] She is a very selective memory.

[265] She's also amazing at line memorization.

[266] Yeah, okay.

[267] Or movie plots.

[268] Oh, yeah, Game of Thrones.

[269] She can tell you anything.

[270] Oh, really?

[271] And that's a hard one to know.

[272] I can't do that.

[273] And I love the show.

[274] So, oh, yeah.

[275] No, I'm, yeah, I can't do that either.

[276] You can't do that either.

[277] I'm like way worse than both.

[278] You've got no, like, pocket of clarity.

[279] Nah, I remember stuff as a kid.

[280] I remember stuff as a kid.

[281] Like, I was talking to my friend from childhood.

[282] And I was telling him, remember this, remember that?

[283] And he was like, oh, I'm back.

[284] I'm back.

[285] Like, I got my memory back.

[286] He was saying stuff I didn't remember, so I was like, maybe I just picked the stuff to remember, you know?

[287] But what's really bizarre is so my mom, who's also medicated, she came in here and this bitch can remember every single classmate's name from like third grade.

[288] Well, that's kind of a mom thing, though, right?

[289] Like to just, because my mom's like, you remember my mom.

[290] My mom will bring up, you remember fucking Lauren, whoever?

[291] And I'm like, no. And she'll be like, oh, yeah, she's pregnant and she's getting married.

[292] And every time I go home, somebody got pregnant, somebody got married, and somebody died.

[293] Yes.

[294] That's a mom thing.

[295] That's a big mom thing.

[296] And also I've found that even the most loving moms, they love spreading terrible news.

[297] It's like when they find out one of someone's kid has a like terminal illness, they can't text fast enough to tell every.

[298] Because I'll get these texts from her.

[299] It's people, I don't even know.

[300] Like, you know, Aunt Becky's co -worker, their kid has leukemia.

[301] And I'm like, Jesus Christ, I don't need to know when a kid has leukemia.

[302] have you little kid i know not only do i not know that person now i feel bad about somebody i don't know i specifically don't watch the news for this reason a hundred percent it's like i think when they hear that uh that bit of terrible news there's got to be a part of their brain that's just excited as hell to start disseminating that it's like when when you're in high school and somebody starts to like a band and you're like yeah yeah but i know their earlier stuff that's the mom version of that or if you Check out this band.

[303] That's what it's like as a high school.

[304] You got to check out this band.

[305] It's amazing.

[306] It's not a dad thing at all.

[307] My dad never does that.

[308] Yeah, I guess my dad, when he was alive, he wasn't big into that either.

[309] That is curious.

[310] Maybe because moms are feeling it, like, especially if it's a kid or something, they're like feeling super intense.

[311] They're a more emotional for sure, yeah.

[312] So they need to talk to people about it so that they can, you know, not bear the burden of it.

[313] You know, and for whatever reason is I knew you were coming in a day.

[314] I felt like this would be a good topic for you and I to think, to talk about, which is we just watch this incredible documentary called The Mask You Live in.

[315] I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's all about how we raise boys in this culture.

[316] And as I'm watching it, I'm recognizing like, oh, check, check, check.

[317] Yes, I am so embarrassingly a cliche of all the things they told me would make me a man. Okay.

[318] I ran towards.

[319] Right.

[320] And all the shame I carry, all these weird things.

[321] And the feelings I learned to stuff down.

[322] The fact that I haven't cried since I was 11, all these things.

[323] Wow.

[324] I think guys, yes, so we kind of get empathy beaten out of us.

[325] There's a lot of great psychologists in this documentary to say that these, what we think are innate male, female dynamic aren't really, that's not true.

[326] And they have some great data to back that up.

[327] Like we are just as empathetic.

[328] It's just, it's stomped out of us.

[329] So I do think, and I find myself doing this, my best defense against finding out someone's dying of terminal cancer is to ignore.

[330] it like because i'm not going to be able to express the emotions then attached to that that that's kind of been beaten out of me as a kid so my best defense is like just fucking ignore that if it's not in front of me i can just put that in a little you know a little compartment in my head even when i hear these horrendous tragedies you'll hear these like horrendous tragedies and i'll spend about 30 seconds on it and then i go nope i don't like how that's making me feel i'm gonna i'm not going to think about this school shooting for more than 30 seconds and it's a weird yeah like a muscle memory thing for me do you that's an interesting thing i think well for me like i i i have like have you actually not you don't cry i don't and and weirdly i'd love to but at this point i just broke that mechanism yeah sure so i do sometimes um like if i hear about a school shooting or something like that and i really sit and think about it um i feel emotion and i'm you know i'm not always crying about it but sometimes i'm like you know i really feel it and i will spend longer than 30 seconds thinking about it and this and that but I do have things where like I definitely do this I do this almost daily like if a song comes on and it makes me feel emotional I'm like turn that fucking thing off I don't want to feel that uh -huh I do that almost daily you know and I appreciate it's a good song and I know but I'm like I don't why do I want to feel that way right now yes you know what I mean like there's no reason to I'm just driving right you know what I mean to meet a buddy yeah but uh you you don't need to walk into coffee like all rung out from hearing air supply yeah yeah oh yeah and yeah that'll get you so uh but i i have this lie too that i tell myself that that confirms why i'm that way uh well i was unaware of that it was a lie until quite recently but i go no you know what my role in the society is to be the guy who like carries a few people out of the burning building or goes and fights the the people running at us so i don't have time to get bogged down to emotions.

[331] I need to be in action.

[332] I'll be the first to respond to one of these crises.

[333] And I'm lucky enough to found myself in a couple crises.

[334] And I was very proud of how I behave in them.

[335] You know what I'm saying?

[336] So it kind of just perpetuated this thing where it's like, oh, no, no, no, we all have a role.

[337] So Kristen's role is to get very emotional about it and spread the word and maybe prevent it.

[338] And then my role is to like just be Terminator and no emotions and act.

[339] You know, not let all that cloud my reaction.

[340] things but i think now i'm learning that that's just the whole thing's a fib yeah i mean that is such a role you know what i mean like it's like i don't think of my self that way i mean i don't know like when i was in like 19 i i i um i was like i got to learn i'm a man i have to learn how to like defend myself and i went to take jiu jitsu and i did that for six years and i you know I realize that it's just it's not me you know I'm not the fucking fighter guy I'm not going to compete you know I was getting to the point where I was doing it six years people were like competing and I was like I'm not going to compete like right I always thought of myself as the funny guy do you know what I mean and like I don't need to be doing all this shit but like I stopped doing it I remember I I fucked my knee up and then I had to get surgery and then I yeah and then I was like I'm not that guy and that's okay yeah and now and then I and then I and then like like I don't once I got the knee surgery I went I tried to go back to jiu -jitsu and I was like what am I doing this is not me and then I started stand -up oh interesting yeah and I was like oh this is I was like oh this is who I am yeah and um I don't know I don't know I but but there's something really interesting there which is why on earth did you even start uh the jiu -jitsu yeah yeah well that's that's the thing I just I don't know maybe it was that you're 19 yeah you're like now I'm a man, and now I feel like lacking in some of these boxes I'm supposed to check, right?

[341] Yeah, yeah, I did, yeah.

[342] I guess I did feel that.

[343] I never felt like a, I never felt like a tough guy, you know, and I remember, too, talking to my friend who took karate at like a young age and like, but like, you know, did it for years and then turned like whatever, 16 and was like, fuck this, I'm not doing it anymore.

[344] And I was like, why?

[345] I was like, because we were friends, we were like 21.

[346] And I was knee deep in jiu -jitsu.

[347] And I was like, don't you want to learn how to defend yourself?

[348] Right.

[349] And he was like, why do you want to learn how to defend yourself?

[350] And I was like, well, what if somebody fucking attacks me?

[351] And he said, nobody's going to fucking attack you.

[352] And I was like, well, it could totally happen.

[353] And he was like, it's 2000 fucking, whatever was.

[354] No, 2004, like, you don't live in like eight, the eight, hundreds were like you know right and i was like he's wrong somebody could totally attack me and nobody's attacked me since then well so glad you bring this up because i kind of been trying to explain to monica quite often she gets frustrated with me because obviously she's afraid of men she is five feet tall and 100 pounds i'm afraid of men but i try to explain to her i'm like i'm not trying to trump the the female movement but i'm also letting you know that all men are afraid of men too yeah And Dahlia's 6263.

[355] And at 19, he thinks, I must be prepared because this attack is imminent.

[356] Yeah.

[357] The reason I thought maybe that you and I would have some overlap in our experience is that for the first 12 years you lived in New Jersey.

[358] Yeah.

[359] Yeah.

[360] I have to assume it was a little similar to my suburban Detroit playground experience where there was a lot of physical activity.

[361] Right.

[362] You either, you were, unfortunately, you were either prey or predator.

[363] There really wasn't, there was not a lot for, at least from my perception in my school, you were either like really trying to avoid these alpha asshole bullies or you were maybe even being one yourself to other boys.

[364] There was just a lot of jungle stuff.

[365] But I remember consciously like from a really early age, not like, and this is I think why I felt like a bit of an outcast is because I remember I caught on very early it was like oh if I if I make fun and if I'm funny nobody's gonna fuck with me because and I remember thinking consciously if somebody if I felt threatened to be like I can get on his good side and just start making fun of him or people or whatever and then they just wanted to be around me right you know what I mean especially now knowing being an adult realizing that when I was a kid I was for sure using that to get out of situations right um I mean I escalate I have situations in my head where I remember doing that and um you but but you're a funny guy would did you not do that or well I also fought a lot okay because I didn't right yeah right my comedy stuff I think came from being dyslexic and being just the worst student ever and getting taken to the special ed room once a day for an hour and I felt so dumb that I needed to like have some quivers or arrows in my quiver, I guess.

[366] Also middle child trying to diffuse a lot of stuff.

[367] But are you, you're older?

[368] You have a younger brother.

[369] Yeah, he's three and a half years younger.

[370] And yeah, my whole family was always making fun of each other.

[371] I come from, I mean, I think, like, I'm like the luckiest guy, man. Like I come from a great family.

[372] family.

[373] They're loving.

[374] All we do is make fun of each other.

[375] And that's how we show love.

[376] It's just so fun and great.

[377] And I see him every Sunday.

[378] And it's fucking amazing.

[379] And you do the Italian dinner thing.

[380] Oh, that's so jealous.

[381] Yeah, it's awesome, man. When I'd watch Jersey Shore even, I'm like, it almost be worse being one of those guys just to have the Sunday dinner.

[382] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[383] Yeah, totally.

[384] It's just, it's great.

[385] And so it's always been that way.

[386] And my extended family, you know, like it's very, I have an uncle Vinny and shit like that.

[387] You know what I mean?

[388] Yeah, yeah.

[389] It's real.

[390] And they live in New Jersey.

[391] is he still and somewhere in New York and it's just great um and uh and they always every time I'm performing in the East Coast are always like can we get 20 tickets yeah sort of and I'm like Jesus Christ it's going to cost me $800 but all right um so but it's just it's just great man and and uh so so I didn't I really never felt like I was lacking anything at home um and that's a good thing and but I but I do remember being scared a lot in school and using humor to not be scared.

[392] Right.

[393] Yeah, for sure.

[394] And your dad was gainfully employed that whole time as a director.

[395] Yeah.

[396] And were you getting to go to sets and stuff?

[397] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[398] You were.

[399] Yeah, I remember he directed the, he said yes to direct the first version of Nantau, no, because we loved it.

[400] By the way, I fucking loved that show.

[401] Donna Martin must graduate.

[402] Yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah.

[403] So we were like, you got to do it.

[404] He was like, all right, if they ask, I'll do it.

[405] And he did.

[406] And we went, we flew out to California.

[407] and we met Luke Perry, Jason Priestley, and those guys, yeah, it was awesome.

[408] I used to do my hair like Luke Perry in New Jersey, and then when we moved to L .A., I was like, oh, they're gonna, I'm gonna kill with this hair.

[409] You know, this is how Luke Perry had.

[410] Oh, dude, everybody would just make fun of me in L .A. As soon as I moved, everyone was like, what the fuck is wrong with your hair?

[411] And I was like, you guys don't know how L .A. is supposed to be.

[412] And then I remember when I met Luke Perry, Luke Perry was like, hey, man, cool hair.

[413] And I was like, see?

[414] He did.

[415] Yeah, he did.

[416] Probably my dad told him to say it, something now that I'm older I realize that I mean that is that's the dream compliment if you're styling your hair like another guy yeah and then he tells you nice hair yes I can't think of it I had one moment like that in my life which is I did a movie with Bert Reynolds wow like 15 years ago and at a certain point during the movie he just pulled me and he goes you remind me of a young version of myself no way I was like oh my God that's what I'm trying to be Bert I'm trying to be a young version of you sometimes you have to be like okay i got to just sit and think about this that just happened for a while yes i mean that's amazing oh it's incredible i mean i'm i'm grateful that it didn't blow over my head like i was very present for the fact that my idol just said i reminded him yeah of a young version of himself that's amazing floating on a pink cloud that's fucking three four days i still am running on that that's fun still fuel in the tank wow and how did you do in did is and I don't mean academically although I'm interested in that too but did girls like you well like what age we talking about like junior high yeah yeah yeah well okay so is that because you have two very specific chapters in your life I have to imagine yeah uh zero through 12 is much different than yeah well through 18 so I went zero through 12 I was like I think I was like you know I was a cool guy right you were mid rung but I was like yeah I was like you know I was definitely oh he's a funny guy sure he's the funny cut up guy um but like I wasn't good at sports per se but I was I was popular I was like the kid who was funny and I was zero through 12 whatever the fuck that means popular at that age but and then um when I moved it was like seventh grade that's a very rough year to move it was a tough one yeah it was and I had my hair I thought you know I you know I was like this how you do it I'm gonna forget I'm gonna kill it so I got to L .A I didn't kill it for like 7th grade, 8th grade were the two years in L .A. It was different in New Jersey.

[417] It was 6th, 7th, 8th was middle school.

[418] And in L .A., it's 7th and 8th is middle school.

[419] Oh, okay.

[420] Sixth is considered elementary.

[421] Okay.

[422] So, at least it was back then.

[423] I have no idea what it is now.

[424] So it was 7th and 8th.

[425] So I moved right when every, my parents were like, it's going to be great.

[426] It's when everybody's moving into the new big school.

[427] Sure, sure.

[428] And it wasn't great.

[429] No, no. It's the hardest probably.

[430] No, I know.

[431] It probably would have been good to move in the middle of elementary or whatever.

[432] But so I got there.

[433] Let's take the first year boys start getting boners in hair.

[434] I know, yeah.

[435] That'll be a good.

[436] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[437] Boners and hair under your arm?

[438] New school.

[439] You know?

[440] Oh, your voice is going to be terrible.

[441] Your voice doesn't know what octave to use.

[442] Yeah.

[443] So I, and I was a real, like, at seventh grade, it was like my feet were size 13.

[444] I was just going to say every tall and long.

[445] But I was like lanky, but I was like, you know, everyone looks like a fucking idiot when they're a teenager.

[446] Do you know what I mean?

[447] It's like it's so cruel what whatever God or whoever the fuck does it.

[448] So I was just like skinny and like wearing flannels and shit.

[449] Okay.

[450] You went to like grunge route.

[451] A kind of I guess.

[452] But what Luke Perry's hair do.

[453] Yeah.

[454] Kind of like a mis -mast.

[455] I was trying to create a hybrid of, you know, like a preppy.

[456] I like to call it a hybrid.

[457] A preppy grunt.

[458] Like a grunge kid that lived in Beverly Hills.

[459] The two exact opposites, I wanted to straddle.

[460] Who?

[461] Luke Perry?

[462] Yeah.

[463] No. Well, I, okay, so in my head, he is preppy, but you're kind of right.

[464] He was like the.

[465] He was like.

[466] He was James Dean.

[467] Yeah.

[468] He was James.

[469] Jason Priestley was preppy, yeah.

[470] I was in the middle.

[471] I was fucking Luke Perry, Jason Priestley.

[472] Who right smack down?

[473] Like that place to be.

[474] At least that's what I thought.

[475] Oh, I remember.

[476] Hold on.

[477] Hold on.

[478] I just got to clarify really quick.

[479] The reason I'm bumping up against that is because he drove a Porsche, a convertible Porsche.

[480] And so he just, uh, uh, Jason Brucey, uh, Luke Perry.

[481] Okay.

[482] His character drove like a convertible, yeah, which is now like a million dollar Porsche.

[483] So he drove this crazy expensive Porsche.

[484] So in my mind, I've got to file that into, to soches and greasers, you know, uh, outsider style.

[485] And so he's just too rich for me to not be preppy.

[486] but that's why I'm hung up.

[487] It was the car and the wealth.

[488] I'm sorry.

[489] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[490] What's up, guys?

[491] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[492] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[493] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[494] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[495] And I don't mean just friends.

[496] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[497] So follow.

[498] Watch and listen to Baby.

[499] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[500] We've all been there.

[501] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers and strange rashes.

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[510] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[511] So back to seventh grade.

[512] So, okay.

[513] So when I was in seventh grade, I remember, I also, this is something else about me. Like, I don't like, like, dudes that are like, I don't like to be a, I don't like, I don't like, I don't care about sports.

[514] My, my cheese.

[515] I don't like that.

[516] I'm not into that at all.

[517] Right.

[518] I, it's just too typical for me. It's boring.

[519] Uh -huh.

[520] It's intimidating.

[521] I mean, I guess so.

[522] Yeah.

[523] Your safety is generally at risk when you're around, like, 10 meatheads who are drinking.

[524] Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah.

[525] Right, yeah.

[526] Right, yeah.

[527] So, um, so I, my parents would always, my mom would always say, like, you're, you're fucking friends with the weirdos, like, and that's fine, but I have to fucking know their weirdo -ass parents.

[528] You know what I mean?

[529] Like, I was always friends with, like, the foreign kid and seventh, eighth grade.

[530] Okay, yeah.

[531] Like, and I was like, my mom was like, I can't talk to the parents.

[532] They're fucking Japanese.

[533] Like, I don't, you know, and so, and, but I, I didn't care because it was like, they were like interesting to me, you know, like my friends, Idis Mattis, whose dad was so Russian, Morgan Doizaki, just, they were great, man, they were fun, they were fun to be around.

[534] And, and so, so I would befriend those guys.

[535] And then, and then, you know, because of the, because of my, by the way, can I just add, you must have been like James Dean in that group.

[536] Oh, um, if they're like, the parents aren't speaking English and stuff, you must seem.

[537] But it was like, we were.

[538] Like a renegade bike or something?

[539] That's hilarious.

[540] But we were all, yeah, on the fucking BMX.

[541] But we were all like, but we were all like our own kind of version of whatever the fuck we were.

[542] You know, it was like, it was like, we were all weird in our own way.

[543] Did you define that with music at all?

[544] Were you like, I'm declaring I'm into, okay.

[545] No, I never really, I never cared about music.

[546] Okay.

[547] That was another thing I didn't really care about.

[548] And I still don't really care about.

[549] It's the fucking, I don't, sports music is like, all right, you like, so you like that, the browns?

[550] I don't give a shit.

[551] You like that band, cool.

[552] You know, it's like, that's just, and so, um, such a unicorn.

[553] I love it.

[554] Well, I guess I appreciate it.

[555] But, um, and then in ninth grade, it was high school.

[556] That was when I really laid into, I don't know how to, this sounds about being pompous, but like I was just, I'm funny.

[557] And like, I'm, right, right, right.

[558] And like, I know I'm funny.

[559] You have the quality and that's the one I'm going to bet on.

[560] Exactly.

[561] You're not trying to get a sports scholarship.

[562] 100%.

[563] You're not going to be, you're not an artist.

[564] 100%.

[565] So ninth and 10th grade was all about that.

[566] It was all about like, okay, I'm going to be funny.

[567] I'm going to ride this fucking thing out.

[568] And it's going to be my thing.

[569] You know, I know I know how to do it.

[570] I know how to make people laugh.

[571] I know how to get out of situations.

[572] I remember, I mean, bullies, I'd be like, I remember, I had science class.

[573] And there was a bully in science class.

[574] And he would literally punch the smaller kids.

[575] And I was like, man, that fucking sucks.

[576] I felt bad for the smaller kids.

[577] And I thought, if I can be that guy's friend, I can convince him to not do that.

[578] And not only that, he won't punch me. Sure.

[579] Well, first and foremost, look out for number one.

[580] First and foremost, he won't punch me. Also, if I can, I'll save the others.

[581] But that's not that important.

[582] Time permitting.

[583] Time permitting.

[584] I'll work on these other things.

[585] Yeah, yeah, time permitting, exactly.

[586] So I remember, I remember doing that.

[587] And it worked.

[588] And it worked.

[589] Part of the appeal to me was like, you have such little control over the world you're inhabiting at that age.

[590] You don't have a lot of autonomy.

[591] or you know agency but I could control these interactions or these dynamics and I could control people's reactions or weirdly and this sounds egomaniacal but like their emotions like I can I can turn someone's mood around yeah like there was to me I think the most appealing part of it was like oh I have this weird control I can I can I can take the reins of this situation and make it one experience for everyone and I think in an environment where I felt very out of control, that somehow was like, oh, I can find purchase there.

[592] I liked that.

[593] And you did that mainly with humor?

[594] You're saying humor, to me at least.

[595] That's funny.

[596] I, winning them over is, I used to go into my parents' bed room late at night and be like, I'm going to make them laugh.

[597] And I would walk in and they'd be like, no, we got to go to bed.

[598] We're tired.

[599] And I remember thinking, like, if I could just make them go from that to laughing, then like, I won him over.

[600] I did it.

[601] you know what i mean and i would do that yeah yeah yeah so so i would do that and i would wait till they would laugh and they'd be like okay good night folks you know good night folks it's like that go out go out that's what i do now for a fucking living so it's like but uh yeah yeah it's about it's about i mean i dude it's just i'm not going to be the fucking strongest guy i'm not going to be the best at soccer or whatever the fuck but in a class i think i'll be the funniest you know i mean i think that thought but it's not even that you will be the funniest but you I know I think you will be.

[602] Do you know what I mean?

[603] Now, did you have, so what's weird is that like, so I was having that experience, but I was right.

[604] I was in Michigan.

[605] So the only outlet I could imagine even possible was that I could maybe start doing stand -up.

[606] But I was just terrified to do stand -up.

[607] Yeah, of course.

[608] It literally I said, I must do this, but I'm too afraid to do it here.

[609] So if I move all the way to California, I'll have no choice but to do it.

[610] And then when I got here, still too afraid.

[611] And I ended up doing sketch comedy improv.

[612] it wasn't until like 10 years later I was already working as an actor I was like you still must do this you're a fucking coward if you don't yeah so you you wanted to do it but it still took or did you want to do that did you even recognize so I I wanted to be a stand -up comedian ever since I can remember would you watch Comedy Central back when they would show stand -ups yes yeah my dad showed it to me too at an early age and I was like that's the fucking coolest thing is to just show up with nothing and just be like okay so this is what I do.

[613] I'm going to use my voice.

[614] Yeah, no guitar, no fucking, no documents, no nothing.

[615] That's your job.

[616] You show up with nothing and you can just make people laughing to get paid for that.

[617] And I always tell this story, but my dad said, he said, he thinks he knows the moment where I thought I wanted to be comedian.

[618] He said, I was playing my toys.

[619] He was watching this Jerry Lewis movie.

[620] And Jerry Lewis was acting like a fool on his movies as he did, you know.

[621] And I stopped playing my toys and I looked at the movie and I said, and my dad, clocked me looking at the movie and I said Hey dad I said This guy on the screen What he's doing right there Is that's his job And my dad said yeah And I said huh And he said And he said I said So he like makes money doing that And my dad said yeah As a matter of fact he makes a lot of money And then my dad said I went like this Huh And he said that's that's the moment he thought that I decided Oh that's what I want to make money doing when I get older is to just fucking be silly.

[622] Yeah.

[623] But yeah, I wanted to do it at an early age.

[624] And then I was out here, you know, we moved out here when I was 12 and I was like, let me just try acting first because it's not as scary.

[625] Scary.

[626] Scary.

[627] Right.

[628] That's what I was getting at is that you first chose the acting lane.

[629] Yes.

[630] So you start to, you know, I was like, well, and I didn't think about how, look, getting into stand -up is hard no matter what.

[631] It's hard as an unknown.

[632] It's also hard if you're already.

[633] known because people are like oh yeah but this guy's an actor you know what i mean like your peers are like well i've been doing this for 10 years why he's going to come in here and don't and uh so i very much felt that when i started it exactly yeah might have just been in my own head maybe but yeah yeah i was like they're all thinking what the fuck's this guy yeah maybe maybe not but but but but but uh it actually doesn't even matter if they're thinking it or not if you are you know what i mean it's like so so so i remember trying to do the acting thing and write and I sold a script and it never got made.

[634] That's bonkers.

[635] I sold it to Trigger Street, Kevin Spacey's old company, I guess it now?

[636] At what age?

[637] 21.

[638] It was a movie about kids in New Jersey and, yeah, it was awesome.

[639] Now in retrospect, do you think he was just like Harvey Weinstein in you?

[640] I'll tell you what, I don't think so because I was not like, I never looked like the fucking young boyish kid.

[641] I was almost like.

[642] Well, he might have liked that, though.

[643] Maybe, maybe.

[644] I always looked like I was supposed to be 35, I feel like.

[645] So maybe he wanted to, you know, venture out.

[646] Maybe, maybe.

[647] Luke Perry territory.

[648] Sure, sure.

[649] So, uh, anyway.

[650] That's incredible, though, at 21 to sell a screenplay.

[651] You had a writing agent at that time?

[652] I did because I was already acting and stuff.

[653] Right, because you in high school were on like some medical drama.

[654] Yeah, I was on some stuff.

[655] I was on Chicago Hope, which my dad did do.

[656] Okay.

[657] But can I ask, in high school, what is it like to like make several thousand dollars in a week?

[658] Were you pumped on that?

[659] um i mean i did it like twice so it wasn't like yeah it was it was honestly it felt kind of weird to be honest it is i didn't i didn't i didn't want people to think i thought of myself a certain way do you know what i mean do you think that's in the new jersey and you like like always on high alert that you'll come off as like maybe yeah maybe too big for your own britches maybe that's very that is a very new jersey it's so funny yeah well yeah it's a boston thing i think i don't get too big for yourself yeah but but it's funny is it denies you have ever enjoyed any of the things that are spectacular in your life.

[660] Never happy.

[661] Never happy.

[662] Yeah.

[663] Because it's so, you know, maybe even retrospect you can you can help understand, but certainly from like Monica and I's perspective, me and Detroit, her in Atlanta, the notion of being in high school and being like on television and they're making like thousands of dollars and stuff.

[664] I mean a union like, what an incredible unique.

[665] It was cool.

[666] Yeah.

[667] I went to and yeah, it was cool.

[668] And then I did it a few times and then I tried to go to college.

[669] you went to NYU yeah for a year you really did your homework huh and you memorized it I'm impressed you even have a paper in front of you remember stuff I forgot so I bet you were there the exact time my wife was there because you were born 1980 yep she was born 1980 oh really and she was at Tisch me too in whatever year that would have been okay yeah 98 99 yeah oh wow that's crazy did you guys fuck no I would remember that what if you forgot What if when you bump into balance, she's like, you were so good in bed.

[670] Wouldn't that be the most heartbreaking thing to have forgotten that you made love to someone?

[671] She would forget, too.

[672] The bad memories together, you probably did.

[673] Nah, so.

[674] I'm glad we went there.

[675] Okay, so you don't think he made love to my wife, but you were there the same year.

[676] Well, I don't do drugs, so I know I didn't, you know.

[677] Which is another thing about you that I want to explore.

[678] But you went to NYU and you, after a year, you're like, I don't like this.

[679] Did you not like living in New York or did you not like going to school?

[680] Dude, I didn't like school, man. Okay.

[681] I never liked school.

[682] I never liked high school.

[683] I never liked any school.

[684] How the fuck do you even get into NYU?

[685] No, it's hard to get into.

[686] You somehow did good at school even though?

[687] I didn't really do that well in school.

[688] I did an audition for it.

[689] And I mean, maybe that helped.

[690] I don't know.

[691] I mean, I couldn't have been that, could have been that fucking good.

[692] Right.

[693] You know, it was just like, I don't know.

[694] I think my interview went really well or something.

[695] I don't know.

[696] I had like a 3 .2, 3 .3.

[697] It's good.

[698] It's good, but it's, you know, it's NYU.

[699] I don't know.

[700] I really don't know.

[701] I got in somehow and then I fucking, I just hated it.

[702] Well, it goes to show that they did make a mistake.

[703] They should let people in with a bunch of better grades because they'll probably stick around.

[704] Oh, yeah, 100%.

[705] This does prove the rule.

[706] Hey, they were right.

[707] Or they were wrong, rather.

[708] They were right before me. And so I dropped out and I still always wanted to do stand up, but I was like, I'll do that.

[709] It's too scary.

[710] It's just too scary, right?

[711] And I had the script that I wrote after NYU.

[712] I was like, maybe that'll get made.

[713] It didn't get made.

[714] It was like for three years.

[715] I was like, oh, it's going to get me. it is right yeah yeah and sold so many shows that have never been made but yeah so it's like so it's like okay i would still act here and there and then kind of at like a a loss i was like 25 and i was like i'm i'm never what am i gonna i can i just ask yeah because you go you go to n yu at 18 so there's seven years where you're kind of a drift yeah are you depressed in that period for sure that's rough right at that age of your life because i too I mean, I was here, but it was not working.

[716] And it's hard, right?

[717] Yeah, it sucked, dude, especially because I don't know how it is for you, but like my friends were working.

[718] I was not working, dude.

[719] Like, not working, trying, trying, I, you know, I was.

[720] And you didn't have the aid of drink or drug.

[721] No, yeah, I was just fucking sitting.

[722] Would you, would you comfort yourself with ladies?

[723] No. You'd want it.

[724] No. You're just feeling the brunt of that.

[725] Yep, yep.

[726] I can't imagine.

[727] I'm too much of a sissy.

[728] I would have had to have medicated myself.

[729] I mean, but I was probably too much of a sissy in that way because I was just too scared to try anything.

[730] Do you know what I mean?

[731] So I would just be depressed.

[732] I would, but I would literally write all day.

[733] I would write all day, all day.

[734] For hours and hours and hours, I would sit up my computer and love it, you know?

[735] Me too, because I could control that.

[736] I didn't need someone to call and say you're allowed to write.

[737] Right, right.

[738] You needed someone to call and say you're allowed to act.

[739] Right.

[740] Right.

[741] So then kind of for six years, you know, it would be that.

[742] It would be getting gigs here and there.

[743] I was doing voice work stuff that, you know, kept me afloat -ish.

[744] And then...

[745] Can we just point out, though, the irony of fear of failure?

[746] Because the fear we had was like, it's just too scary to do stand -up.

[747] And then when you play it all through, it's like...

[748] So, yeah, so the worst -case scenario is you do it and you're terrible.

[749] And then you're in the scenario you've already put yourself in.

[750] So it's like a zero -risk.

[751] proposition when you really think about it.

[752] I know.

[753] Anyone that's listening who's afraid to do something.

[754] Yeah, you got to do it.

[755] The outcome when you don't is the thing you're fearing will happen.

[756] So it's like you're ensuring that that'll happen.

[757] So what did lead to you eventually getting on a stage?

[758] So what did it take?

[759] So I went with a buddy when I was 23.

[760] I did an open mic at the ha ha ha cafe in North Hollywood and it was just going to be like a fun thing.

[761] We're like, all right, well, let's do it.

[762] We've always both wanted to do it.

[763] So I did it and it went bad.

[764] And I was like, I'll end up doing it again, but I didn't.

[765] I didn't do it for two years.

[766] And then at 25, I thought, okay, I have to start.

[767] I didn't make it quote unquote yet.

[768] So I have to just start doing stand up now.

[769] So I remember in December 2004, I thought that's my New Year's resolution is to just do stand up once a week at least.

[770] This is so funny.

[771] That's how I ended up here, too.

[772] It was a New Year's resolution.

[773] Oh, no shit.

[774] Yeah.

[775] That's cool.

[776] So, so in 2005, January 1st, obviously, I didn't go on stage as a holiday.

[777] January 2nd, I went to the, well, because they're just not, it's not going to honor the holiday.

[778] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[779] So January 2nd, I was like, this is the day, is it?

[780] Okay.

[781] So I was like, is Dax's birthday?

[782] I was like, is Dax's birthday?

[783] I should do something.

[784] I didn't honor that holiday and not go on stage.

[785] And I said, I'm going to find an open mic.

[786] I did.

[787] I went to.

[788] a ha -ha cafe again, which is two years later now.

[789] And I signed up.

[790] I got on stage and it went badly, you know, not but manageable.

[791] And I thought, you know, before that, I was like once a week.

[792] And then I, January 3rd, I was like, oh, I'll do it again.

[793] And then I did it every single day.

[794] Honestly, until today.

[795] And the only, the string of amount of times I haven't been on stage consecutively is absolutely no more than 10 days since 2004 yeah 2005 get out of here so for for 13 years you've been on a stage every day yeah mostly mostly yeah yeah work probably precludes you at times yeah but 10 never never been more than never been more than 10 days and did you were you trying on different personas throughout that process yeah i mean because you really it's it takes a lot of work to learn to be you a hundred percent yeah i did have i started with a guy that had never i had done like theater and shit i started with a guy that had never been on stage and i realized i had a leg up because of that sure because i just knew how to be on stage but that's another thing about like um you know some of these phenoms like chapelle or uh you know the guys who started 16 that just know who they are immediately kind of so i wasn't like that but i think that when i started at 25 I kind of already generally knew who I was, is.

[796] I mean, still young, but not 16, right?

[797] So that helped in me figuring out my persona because I was like, oh, I'm already kind of this guy.

[798] Right.

[799] In my person.

[800] And so then, but it was still hard.

[801] I mean, I was still figuring it out.

[802] I mean, I was not good by any means.

[803] But I kind of had a grasp of who I was.

[804] So that helped.

[805] So that's an advantage of starting a little bit later.

[806] you know i would i would just go on stage every day i would do multiple open mics a night i mean i i did 430 shows one year like oh yeah i bro i i if i like something i like it right yeah well it's probably a good thing you didn't drink it sounds like you very well the nice stuff it would have been oh yeah 100 % oh i like three years ago i realized i was like oh man there's no way i wouldn't have fucking killed myself doing drugs i dude i when i did jujitsu i did it fucking nine times a week i was like if i find something i like i never stop it's just because i don't like many things um you know and are you habitual about how you eat at restaurants oh yeah 100 you go to like the exact same six restaurants and get the same item and everything yeah absolutely i do too my friend ethan i think broke it down for me i don't even think i realized why i do the things i do but he said he weirdly he's sober but he got addicted to um ibuprofen in Diet Coke.

[807] And he realized that like in the year mark of eating all this Motrin and drinking Diet Coke because he goes, oh my God, you know what happened was I took an ibuprofen.

[808] Can't even say that word?

[809] Ibuprofen.

[810] I have a Prophan.

[811] And I had a Diet Coke.

[812] And for whatever reason, probably completely unrelated to those two things.

[813] I felt great.

[814] Yeah.

[815] I had a moment where I felt great.

[816] And then I connected it to these two things I'd take.

[817] And then just for the next year I'm chasing that feeling of feeling great.

[818] That's a real addict, right?

[819] Yeah.

[820] Yeah, and I think I'm that way with food, like I have a great meal at some point.

[821] And I will keep eating that meal long after it no longer tastes good.

[822] Yeah, me too.

[823] But also when people are like, yeah, but try something different.

[824] What if you like it better?

[825] I'm like, you're fucking crazy.

[826] I know what I like.

[827] And the risk is too high.

[828] If I'm comparing, like, knowing I'm going to hit a seven versus I might hit a three, I'm just terrified of that.

[829] Yeah, yeah.

[830] The pain of having that salmon roll.

[831] I don't want to try that.

[832] I know the spicy tuna war.

[833] Right, right, right, right.

[834] Um, so when do, when do things start clicking?

[835] Like, where you start making a living, how many years after starting?

[836] I got a show on TBS, uh, well, I was like the seventh lead, uh, called Glory Days.

[837] And that was, that lasted a season.

[838] Yes.

[839] Uh -huh.

[840] So that was 2008.

[841] So that's when I started a little bit before that I would tour a little bit, I think.

[842] Mm -hmm.

[843] You know, and I remember, I, I also, um, I did a show for Showtime, like a set on Showtime.

[844] It was like 2008.

[845] And I don't think things went viral back then, but for some reason people would come see me from that.

[846] And so I had not a following, but like I was like, some people like come to see me. So that's kind of cool.

[847] Sure.

[848] And then Glory Days was not as, it didn't last beyond eight or nine or ten episodes, but then people like kind of, But then people started being like, oh, who's that guy?

[849] I'll go see him to stand up.

[850] And then, so after that, right after that, I got Whitney.

[851] Isn't it interesting?

[852] These things can all, like, fuel one another.

[853] Yeah, yeah.

[854] But it all helps.

[855] I remember doing, I was on Chelsea Handler show.

[856] And I was talking to her, like, you know, off camera.

[857] And I said, like, what are you going to do this weekend?

[858] She's like, oh, I'm going to go do four shows.

[859] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[860] And then I just started kind of doing reverse math, right?

[861] And then I started thinking, oh, she was a stand up before.

[862] but I can't imagine she had the, she couldn't have booked arenas four times in one weekend so that that show ended up weirdly fueling that thing, even though that thing got her that thing.

[863] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[864] They weirdly just started becoming flubber.

[865] Yeah.

[866] They gained momentum somehow.

[867] Yeah.

[868] And of course, I was, you know, never, I mean, she was enormous, I never big as her, but like the stuff online, people, like there were, I had a special that came out, and then a bit went viral on YouTube from that, and then because of that, and then Whitney and then social media I would use I like to use in that you had two million followers on vine yeah so so all that stuff and I remember on when vine became popular I was like oh um I really want to push that people know I'm not just this asshole making vines I want them to know I'm a comedian right so I would like shoot stuff when I was on stage and I think that helped you know yeah so people just kind of it's about awareness you know what I mean like so do you how many days a year are you the road currently so now um i mean i'm not on a show so uh you know i i try to do every other weekend which would be like three or four cities a week uh when i leave it'll i'll do three four cities i'll do one night thursday then i'll go to like uh like this weekend i'm going to uh i got uh wednesday miami thursday west palm beach friday jacksonville and then atlanta on saturday isn't it the most incredible it's really really really really awesome and i feel really fortunate i feel really lucky.

[869] I know I've worked hard, but I just feel really fortunate and lucky to be in the position I'm in.

[870] And I always, I always want to do the best I can, man, for people because I know, I know that they work hard for their money.

[871] And the fact that they'll spend some of it to come see me is just, that's, that's amazing, man. That really is amazing.

[872] So how many a year, would you say, how many dates do you do?

[873] Okay.

[874] So, well, I just put up my tour now.

[875] Okay.

[876] Where can people find your tour?

[877] Chrisalia .com, you know.

[878] And so...

[879] Well, your name is spelled so stupid.

[880] Yeah, I know.

[881] I know.

[882] Well, you can't use apostrophies in the fucking website.

[883] Well, there you go.

[884] Chris Deli, uh, D -E -L -A -A.

[885] This is, I love Vincent Donofrio.

[886] Yeah.

[887] Oh, yeah.

[888] A good friend of mine and I couldn't like him more.

[889] Fuck his name.

[890] Even when I text them, I can't figure it out.

[891] I said this on Rogan, but I used to say to say to my, dad like i dad i i fucking our last name sucks like it's got the apostrophe like can we remove it and he was like no right and i always put an equal sign in there or a fucking plus sign it would be interesting and different you know um and he was like uh nah you know what your fucking grandfather would think you know and he was like it sucks though and he's like you're gonna like it when you get older and and but i i remember asking him i remember saying uh i want to change my name and he was like what the fuck would you even change it to and i was like i want to change my name to Damien Monroe.

[892] And he was like, why?

[893] And I was like, it just sounded like fucking cool.

[894] And I can't talk about when you met me, you were ready to not like me. Imagine if my name was fucking Damian Monroe.

[895] I couldn't have passed that.

[896] Yeah, no, no, no, no. That's horrible.

[897] And so now everyone, I can always tell a Rogan fan because you're like, Damien Monroe.

[898] Do you get on with other comedians, generally speaking?

[899] Yeah, yeah.

[900] Because I have to imagine, like, if we look at Dane Cook, so like I happen to do a movie with Dane Cook at the height of his powers, right?

[901] And yet the vitriol and rage against this guy was I've never ever been a part of something where like as I would move through town and I'd bump into people that, aren't you doing a movie with Dane Cook?

[902] And they would just kind of unleash all these things.

[903] Really?

[904] Yo, they hated him.

[905] They hated Dane Cook all of my kind of comedy circle of comedic actors, writers, whatever.

[906] really they couldn't stand him i can tell you i did a lot of thinking about this yeah and i came to a conclusion so so because i wasn't a comedian back then so i don't know oh okay so i don't know how people felt about him that way okay so you didn't have any feeling on him yeah you know i i mean no okay so what i did notice immediately was this reaction to him is is very disproportionate to just not liking sure yeah yeah yeah yeah right so i just got very curious like what is going on What is so triggering about Dane Cook to this group of people I'm interacting with?

[907] And I think my conclusion at the end of the day, there was a couple elements.

[908] One is just, I think we all comedians generally lack some self -confidence.

[909] Sure.

[910] And here was a guy that was like, no, I made my own show.

[911] It's called Two Orgasm.

[912] I filmed it all on my own and paid for it.

[913] And then I went to HBO and I just said, here's a show, do you want to buy it?

[914] And I don't think any of us could have imagined having that level of confidence.

[915] Gotcha.

[916] And I think he was also a movement.

[917] He was definitely a movement.

[918] He was a movement.

[919] And like young people really connected with him in some way that transcended comedy.

[920] People went to go see him not because they like to stand up.

[921] A hundred percent.

[922] Yeah.

[923] They liked him.

[924] He was like being into a band.

[925] Right.

[926] And he said something about you.

[927] If you were a Dane Cook fan, it was kind of a declaration of who you were.

[928] And so I get all that.

[929] And that's all interesting kind of sociological stuff.

[930] again, not a reason to hate somebody because there were other movements.

[931] Of course.

[932] But I think what it boiled down to, well, this is just my armchair assessment of it, is that people were very envious of his self -confidence or at least what appeared to be his self -confidence.

[933] Also, there was a secondary thing, and I've gotten this where I've gotten in great shape for things.

[934] And other comedian friends of mine are like, pull me on the side and be like, you know, you can't do that.

[935] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[936] This is like these weird rules, right?

[937] And so one of them is kind of, you can't be cool.

[938] Now, even though Dean Cook wasn't my version of cool, he definitely was cool.

[939] Like, I guess he wore leather jackets and stuff.

[940] And, like, the people that saw him thought he was kind of a style icon and all these different things.

[941] And so he was, he was both very confident and he was breaking some rule.

[942] And so I imagine, I have to imagine that you must trigger some people because you, too, you're not going, oh, I'm a fucking geek nerd.

[943] you're kind of owning the level of swagger you have.

[944] Does that kind of trigger people?

[945] I think the times have changed is a little different now.

[946] It is.

[947] Being the first guy that, well, not that he was the first guy, but I mean, like.

[948] Kind of.

[949] Well, I mean, I guess you look at Andrew Dice Clay, but I mean, that's.

[950] But he was playing such a character.

[951] True, true.

[952] I always defend him on here.

[953] It's going like that.

[954] That's true.

[955] That was a character.

[956] That is true, yeah.

[957] I can't think of the dude, the stand -up comedian.

[958] that i watched and i was like oh when he walks off stage he's fucking all these women like that that's just not generally what i'm associating with a stand -up but when you'd watch dane you're like oh the girls in the audience like they're hot for him stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare yeah but there's there's there's a there's comedians like that now there's a there's a bunch right like i mean well look at i mean well here's the thing there are comedians i don't think comedian is necessarily, at least it didn't used to be an alpha thing.

[959] But it was, it's almost like, I wasn't good at all the other stuff.

[960] This is what I meant out of that.

[961] Yeah, this is my niche.

[962] Do you know what I mean?

[963] But now, I mean, look at Joe Rogan.

[964] Look at guys like, I mean, there's just like, he couldn't be more alpha.

[965] Yeah.

[966] You know, uh -huh.

[967] Uh, there's, he never quit jujitsu.

[968] Right.

[969] I know, yeah, exactly.

[970] Yeah.

[971] So, so it's like it, it's the times, I just think the time's different.

[972] Yeah, and probably, I would imagine that's been aided by the fact that there used to be a singular outlet.

[973] Like, you and I were growing up, if it's Comedy Central didn't air that.

[974] Right.

[975] We couldn't see it.

[976] I couldn't find someone's YouTube page, couldn't find their Vine account.

[977] But now there's so many outlets and they can attract different styles and you got to use it all.

[978] But it's also, it's also, you're either going to be, I mean, people are.

[979] So, okay, so it's either that or.

[980] you're the outcast that's the obvious outcast that doesn't care about style that's the the whatever you want to call it fat ball guy that does stand up and oh yeah girls don't like me it's like they don't like that guy either right for a different reason sure they don't want to be around that guy so yeah so now he's got to use jokes to get fucking that's what that's the same thing i'm doing yes in a different way yes you know and uh so yeah now um can you tell me why you decided to never drink i can only say this.

[981] And this is how I've been my whole life about everything.

[982] I don't ever do anything big, like a lifestyle choice until I regret that I haven't done it.

[983] So I lost my virginity at 19.

[984] And it was because I regretted that I didn't have sex the last time I was presented the opportunity.

[985] So now I know, okay, I want to have sex.

[986] And I never felt that way with drinking.

[987] I just never felt like I missed out.

[988] I never felt because I've never drank.

[989] Right.

[990] I never did drugs.

[991] And it's because I never felt like, ah, that one time would have been fun drinking or one time would have been fun doing whatever.

[992] Well, maybe if you spent more time with me, I'd have convinced you to do at least mushrooms.

[993] Yeah, maybe.

[994] Yeah.

[995] It'd be nice to start with mushrooms.

[996] I think so.

[997] Yeah.

[998] If I had to say, like, on my deathbed, they go, they're going to take away every memory.

[999] have except for one of these i would keep the mushrooms one nice yeah i wouldn't keep like the drunk or the coke or any of those things i go like yeah mushrooms was like traveling to another planet trying on a whole different brain now what is your relationship with women it's been different my whole life like when i was when i was 20 i had a girlfriend that i thought i was gonna marry and i've lost my virginity to her she broke up with me me, met another girl that was older.

[1000] We had a relationship with her.

[1001] I broke up with her.

[1002] What kind of age gap were we talking about?

[1003] I was 21.

[1004] She was 27.

[1005] Oh, okay.

[1006] So, yeah.

[1007] That's kind of hot.

[1008] Yeah, exactly.

[1009] And so then I met the girl that I got married to when I was 26.

[1010] Dated for two years.

[1011] Did you meet working?

[1012] We met, our families knew each other.

[1013] Oh, okay.

[1014] So I knew her from.

[1015] He's a lot, Keniana.

[1016] Yes.

[1017] And you were married, what, six years?

[1018] or something?

[1019] No, I was married for two years.

[1020] Oh, okay.

[1021] And the date of two years before that.

[1022] Oh, okay.

[1023] But, but maybe like IMDB's wrong or something like that.

[1024] Yeah.

[1025] You know what I mean?

[1026] And you, when you break up with somebody, is it generally amicable or do you generally not talk to the person again?

[1027] I'm really good at, I'm cool with staying friends, but I don't, I don't ever go back.

[1028] Right.

[1029] Right.

[1030] Right.

[1031] I'm good at breaking up and then never being with them again.

[1032] Like, same.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] I can be great friends and then for whatever reason, once I, on.

[1036] plug that thing i don't ever see yeah i don't know what that is actually yeah they become like sister or something yeah i've often wondered what that is because it's you can't just shut something off but it feels like it is yeah it's just weird like when you break up and then for for me personally it's like once you break up and it's the hardest thing in the world to do it's so painful it sucks yeah it fucking is so yeah there's nothing worse and so the notion of ever like having sex with them and opening up that emotional wound again potentially going through like when I go through something that painful there's just no sex is good enough for me to like agree reopen that emotional wound because I don't yeah that's just I mean I the breakups I've had of just they just suck and are you the kind of guy because sometimes I have been this guy where where I'm like I'm just going to be so boring and complacent that she's going to want to break up with you.

[1037] with me yeah this is a common technique with guys it is i know it's so bad they like they basically try to force the other person to start hating them awful yeah i've never taken that route yeah i also i'm not the type of person that can be in something much after the moment i realize it can't i see i i often am like i i committed to this let's try to make it work and you know even if i know it's a bad idea i'm like i got i got to try you know i don't know what that fuck that is but i'm sure a lot of it is fear -based to be without them but well i kind of go like i now realize i'm not going to be with this person going forward and that's going to be impossible to tell them i can't also now add on to it like two months of me being a shit head yeah all to get to that but i get it i understand but how do you realize it for me i don't know why but for me it's such an obvious feeling in my body of like oh this isn't going to go the distance i don't know i feel like i can tell when work like like therapy will help or all these kind of things will help but um i basically had three really long -term relationships and i felt like i knew very clearly when when the previous two were over that they were just over um but there's nothing quite as terrible as that experience um and when you so having left that marriage i assume like when you first get divorced it's all the other person's fault for a year i i do you I try to be as self -reflective as I can.

[1038] But it's also hard because, like, you don't want to own up to that shit.

[1039] And, like, I don't want to be the bad guy.

[1040] And I think I am the bad guy sometimes.

[1041] Sure.

[1042] And that's hard to swallow.

[1043] By the way, we all are.

[1044] I know.

[1045] No one's in a relationship with themselves.

[1046] It's never, like, one -sided in the way we'd love to paint it.

[1047] Yeah.

[1048] But, yeah, the reason you don't want to admit is because once you now acknowledge it, it requires that you make some effort to change.

[1049] it in the future right and that's that's hard as fuck yeah i mean like to not be the way you have been is just too hard to stop using a system that's yielded results in general is kind of hard yeah so what do you think your character defects are in relationships well first of all i'm selfish sure we all are yeah uh so that's a big one you're also married to your career yeah i'm sure i know That's a rough one.

[1050] By the way, have yet to speak to a stand -up.

[1051] I know.

[1052] I know.

[1053] Because it's such a psychotic endeavor that really requires to succeed.

[1054] This really disproportionate valuation of it.

[1055] Yeah.

[1056] To really do the ugly business you have to do to get good at it.

[1057] You have to have a kind of unhealthy, just out of the gates.

[1058] It almost requires it.

[1059] It's almost like a president.

[1060] A president has to be a narcissist.

[1061] Who the fuck would think?

[1062] Yeah, I've thought that, yeah, I mean, it has to be.

[1063] Right.

[1064] I always kind of like, I don't excuse any of Clinton's behavior.

[1065] When people are shocked that, like, he got a blow job in the White House.

[1066] I go, well, no, here's a guy who his whole life, it regularly was proven that the rules that apply to everyone else don't apply to him.

[1067] That's how you end up the president.

[1068] So a lot of bad data.

[1069] 100%.

[1070] You think you're going to be the president?

[1071] Yeah, you would do that.

[1072] Yes, you'd probably do anything.

[1073] I would never think I was going to be the president.

[1074] And I'm, I got a big ego.

[1075] Yeah.

[1076] They wouldn't even let me be the president of a mid -sized company.

[1077] Right.

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] I'm barely the president of my own fucking podcast.

[1080] My producer does most of it.

[1081] So, yeah, I don't know.

[1082] So I'm very selfish.

[1083] And I think I say stuff to kind of make the situation okay when it's not okay.

[1084] You don't what I'm saying, whatever that is.

[1085] Like, I tell people what they want to hear, I think, sometimes.

[1086] Right.

[1087] Which I don't, I, and at least I have in the past.

[1088] Uh -huh.

[1089] And I try not to do that.

[1090] But that goes back to being selfish.

[1091] I guess can you ever imagine being with somebody where the choice was, for some weird reason, God comes down.

[1092] There's a God first.

[1093] You got to accept that.

[1094] And then he comes down.

[1095] He says, you get to keep one of two things, this lady or your stand -up career.

[1096] That's a fuck.

[1097] and wow, that's really hard, yeah.

[1098] Can I just tell you, just recently for me, and I'm five years older than you, Kristen was the first person in a few years in where I actually, basically, that choice was presented to me and I chose her.

[1099] Really?

[1100] Which blew my mind.

[1101] But how does that, did your choice even happen?

[1102] Because I got offered parenthood.

[1103] Uh -huh.

[1104] I hadn't acted in a long time.

[1105] No one was offering me anything.

[1106] Right.

[1107] And they said, this show shoots.

[1108] in Philadelphia.

[1109] Oh.

[1110] And I said, there's no way I can be in this relationship and move to Philadelphia.

[1111] And I turned that show down.

[1112] Wow.

[1113] Which, by the way, is certainly the first time in my life I would have ever done that.

[1114] Were you in that?

[1115] In parenthood?

[1116] Yeah.

[1117] Yes.

[1118] They ended up moving it.

[1119] Not because of me per se, but I think a couple of different actors probably were like, I would do it, but I won't do it in Philadelphia.

[1120] And, but I said no. I said, I'm not going to do it.

[1121] And I very much wanted to be on that show.

[1122] Wow, really.

[1123] And I very much like the idea of having, like, a weird separate life in Philadelphia with some weird apartment where I was like...

[1124] Yeah, he used to be a guy, be an idiot.

[1125] Yeah.

[1126] Just fucking...

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] Not be single, but kind of have that mentality where you're like, ah, fuck it.

[1129] I'm on my own.

[1130] You know what I mean?

[1131] Yes.

[1132] Yes.

[1133] It was very appealing.

[1134] I couldn't believe I was doing it.

[1135] And lo and behold, this is the one relationship that seems to, you know, it's 11 years in.

[1136] But by the way, what's so ironic is...

[1137] you make a decision like that, and then weirdly you're rewarded.

[1138] Like, then it comes back to L .A. So, but having the willingness to make the decision and then somehow, of course, you'll never have to make that decision, but just knowing that you would make that.

[1139] Yeah.

[1140] So I would, I feel accomplished already, you know?

[1141] It helps, right?

[1142] Yeah, it does help.

[1143] Yeah.

[1144] So I don't know if that's fair, but like, I, I want to have a family.

[1145] To me, can I just say.

[1146] Yeah, so I don't want to act like a god because I'm not.

[1147] I knew kids was something I was not going to miss out on on this trip through Plandardard.

[1148] The whole time?

[1149] Yes.

[1150] Because I didn't.

[1151] Okay.

[1152] Well, I knew it then and I was 34.

[1153] Gotcha.

[1154] Okay.

[1155] And I was 34 and my girlfriend was 29.

[1156] So I was doing the math going, there's two scenarios now.

[1157] You either make it work with this one.

[1158] Yeah.

[1159] Or you're going to be the guy who's 40 dating a 29 -year -old.

[1160] And I did not want to be.

[1161] that guy so so i will say it was definitely helped by the fact that like i was able to value this idea i was gonna have kids over work gotcha but that's that's where i am now i think because i think i want to have a family yes and you know i've got this girl and i i like that i like that that i've done what i've done and i feel okay now at 38 kind of moving into that life and you know i don't need to do it fucking tomorrow but if and when that builds to that then i'm happy uh i can tell you with ultimate sincerity uh and i'm nothing if not truthful of the family part is everything you wanted the career thing to feel like and it just didn't like really for certain yeah for certain if i had to miss one of these two things i would definitely have missed the show business career it is so for me so fulfilling and so purpose -giving and so right -sizing of my own desires it's it's just it's everything i wanted the other thing to be so that's nice to hear because you know even also being a comic you hear all the jokes about how like that fucking sucks you know this and that and it's like but even not as a comic you hear like oh these kids you know what i mean so and i always felt like i i wasn't sure if that was real or i mean i'm obviously you have your hands full and that's fine but but i i feel like i want i want that and i'm going to do that and so i hope that it's fucking what you're saying do you know what i mean i'm quite confident it will be because i got to say someone uh and i'll just speak for myself someone that was so selfishly self -obsessed enough to do undertake this job and to be so driven yeah to as you say write eight hours a day and do all the things that I was willing to do to fulfill this selfish goal.

[1162] The result for me of being selfish, I know what the result is.

[1163] I know how it feels, and it's all counterintuitive.

[1164] It's so counterintuitive.

[1165] It's why in AA you have to do service for other people.

[1166] It's not really to help that person.

[1167] It's that when you're helping that person, it's really hard to obsess about yourself.

[1168] And the freedom from obsessing about yourself is euphoric if you can get to it.

[1169] So for me personally, just having two people in my life that I'm more concerned about than I am myself has been crazy liberating.

[1170] I'm super counterintuitive because really my quickest path to feeling unhappy is really just assessing what Dax needs.

[1171] As soon as I'm starting to think about what Dax needs or I need to buy or how much money I need to make that year, all those things I naturally will obsess about, I don't feel better from them.

[1172] But weirdly when I'm like being of service to my kids in the morning.

[1173] It's all service.

[1174] It's like, I don't want to wake up when they wake up, but I got to.

[1175] So I guess it's all under how, sure, I could bitch about it.

[1176] And it's all how I'm perceiving it.

[1177] But for me, I really cherish stepping outside of my own selfish desires at all time.

[1178] And I feel way better as a person.

[1179] And it feels more sustainable to be worried about two people ahead of myself.

[1180] And is it something in your wife always wanted kids?

[1181] You know, interestingly, she did always want kids.

[1182] But when we had them, we were like literally, she was probably, I have 49 % wanted them.

[1183] And I was probably 50.

[1184] And then I talked to the ex -girlfriend out that I was with for nine years.

[1185] She had had one.

[1186] And she said, trust me. You know I'm as selfish as you.

[1187] Do this.

[1188] Do not miss it.

[1189] And that tipped it for me. And then I kind of became the engine a little bit with Bell.

[1190] Of course, now she's probably even more into being a brother than I am.

[1191] Right.

[1192] And did you think she would be a good mom?

[1193] A thousand percent.

[1194] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1195] You know what's funny is I have all these complaints about her.

[1196] There's things that drive me nuts about her.

[1197] and we're pretty much opposites.

[1198] But at no point in any of that, on the road to having kids, I always was like, this woman would be a spectacular mother.

[1199] Because that's important.

[1200] That's important for me, at least.

[1201] I've been with girls where I thought, oh, we won't have kids.

[1202] That'll be okay.

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] And I've been with girls.

[1205] We're like, oh, she'd be a good mom.

[1206] You know, the girl I'm with now, I'll be like, oh, does she be a great mom?

[1207] So it's like, you know what I mean?

[1208] Well, as your priority shift, yeah.

[1209] It's like you start moving things up the ladder.

[1210] And then as you get older, you're like, okay, I'm with a girl.

[1211] That would be a great mom.

[1212] I feel like I could be a dad to our family.

[1213] Yes.

[1214] Sure.

[1215] Yes.

[1216] You know, I've done stuff in my career.

[1217] I don't have to fucking sacrifice as much as I would have when I was 20.

[1218] Yes.

[1219] Right.

[1220] I mean, you know, it's still a sacrifice if you're going to do the career and be a dad.

[1221] Yeah, when you're younger, you're kind of picking a partner as like, who would be the most fun on a vacation?

[1222] Like, what girl would I most want to be in Hawaii?

[1223] 100%.

[1224] And that just not, you know, ultimately.

[1225] Well, so Chris, your podcast is called Congratulations with Chris DeLea.

[1226] And then, Monica, you'll like this.

[1227] He calls his followers cult.

[1228] He thinks they're in a cult.

[1229] Oh, I do like that.

[1230] You like that?

[1231] You like cult?

[1232] Yeah, and I think he is a cult leader, too.

[1233] He refuses to admit it.

[1234] You could be.

[1235] You got to be selfish and charismatic to be a cult leader.

[1236] Fits the bill.

[1237] The only thing, because I'm now listening to this amazing podcast, I cannot recommend it enough.

[1238] Let me look it up one.

[1239] Uncover nexam.

[1240] Uncover nexium.

[1241] Have you heard of this one?

[1242] No, what's that?

[1243] It's about a woman left next.

[1244] nexium, nexium's this big, kind of like a landmark or a, uh, yes, sure.

[1245] This one's called ASP was their thing.

[1246] Esp. It evolved into an element of it as a sex cult.

[1247] Oh, really?

[1248] That's what I'm trying to get at.

[1249] The woman from, the woman from Smallville.

[1250] Trying to turn your cult into.

[1251] It's an easy transition.

[1252] As I listen to this, she got very high up in it, and she has been indicted on sex trafficking and stuff.

[1253] Whoa.

[1254] Yes.

[1255] It's, oh, okay, I'll look this up.

[1256] It's so delicious.

[1257] It's on the podcast.

[1258] Listen to it.

[1259] But as they're describing this guy, this leader of this cult, and I'm thinking, Monica's always accusing me of this and I hate it.

[1260] I can't stand it.

[1261] But boy, are they checking a lot of my boxes with this guy?

[1262] Why do you hate it, bro?

[1263] Being a cult leader?

[1264] Dude, I was doing my podcast like about seven, eight episodes in.

[1265] I was like, oh, man, first of all, I do stand -up.

[1266] I do podcasts.

[1267] I mean, you know, TV and shit.

[1268] I do some movies.

[1269] like I'm on social media I was like dude if I just streamline all of this it's a fuck it I just said it's a cult you're the bog long you're in it you're in it you're you're if you're a part of all this shit this is a cult let's go let's let's let's let's fucking the goal is to get a a log cabin in the middle of nowhere and just be just be sitting just be sitting pretty man yeah sure yeah with all the parishioners and you got to give them the sacrament which comes from your penis you know we talk about ideas there's probably a lot of common you know what I mean there's probably a lot of common you know what I mean but like it's all good consensual well so most of the time I'm listening to it I'm like Jesus Christ I am I'm delusional and I think I am but luckily where it breaks down is A all these leaders turn into sex gurus All of them They all are praying on underage groups That is not happening with me Well yeah you don't have to do that Yeah I'm not going to do that Also there's this really elevated They start lying about their accomplishing So this guy claims he's the smartest person in the world.

[1270] That he got $2 .50 on IQ does.

[1271] So there's a lot of like lore you spin around yourself.

[1272] And all of them claim to have had some kind of transcendent metaphysical thing.

[1273] And again, I'm like, no, I'm not special.

[1274] These people, these guys, these cult leaders, they all claim to have some purchase on some otherworldly experience that you can't have.

[1275] And they've reached a level that you can't reach.

[1276] So I was like, oh, I'm out because I really hate.

[1277] I hate more than anything, people that have.

[1278] reverie for other people.

[1279] I think all humans are pieces of shit.

[1280] Yeah.

[1281] So I reject it.

[1282] Sure.

[1283] But I could be the anti -cult.

[1284] You know what I mean?

[1285] Okay.

[1286] It's like, no, there's no end of days.

[1287] No. There's too many days.

[1288] Could you go like, I'm a piece of shit.

[1289] Oh, yeah.

[1290] That's the highest level.

[1291] Yeah.

[1292] Oh, good.

[1293] That's what you're reaching POS.

[1294] Because it's all going to be acronyous.

[1295] As I was listening to it, there's a lot of overlap with Scientology and El Ron Hubbard.

[1296] There's a lot of overlap with all these.

[1297] They all have a pretty well -worn a path to get these people believing there's something.

[1298] And it's all weird primate stuff.

[1299] It's all status.

[1300] And anyway, so as long as you own that you're a piece of shit, I'll even maybe join.

[1301] Maybe the goal's like to get even lower than me, to get even lower than me, which is almost impossible.

[1302] Low as fuck.

[1303] We find the lowest point on earth to get the lock out of it.

[1304] Well, anyways, so people should check out congratulations with you.

[1305] Go see, Chris, do you stand up.

[1306] And yeah, you're just spectacular.

[1307] You have such an ownership of who you are.

[1308] It's pretty intoxicating.

[1309] I love it.

[1310] So people should go see you and they should listen to your podcast and they should join your call and take the sacrament.

[1311] Sure.

[1312] If you want, it's not the kind of thing.

[1313] It's like, you need to join.

[1314] It's like, you figure it out.

[1315] You want to be a part.

[1316] We'd be a part of it.

[1317] All right.

[1318] Thanks for coming in.

[1319] Yeah, buddy.

[1320] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1321] Welcome to the fact check.

[1322] Monica.

[1323] Welcome.

[1324] Well, Chris.

[1325] Delia.

[1326] He was great.

[1327] Yeah.

[1328] So he talks about, or Jackie comes up, our friend Jackie.

[1329] Jackie tone.

[1330] Mm -hmm.

[1331] And I just want to say hi to Jackie.

[1332] I don't know if she listens, but.

[1333] Hi, Jackie.

[1334] And we talk about her being on Howard's wrap -up show.

[1335] Yes.

[1336] Which is exciting.

[1337] Very exciting.

[1338] And also she sang, she did a great parody of, the Star is Born song about Robin's Shadows, right?

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] There's many, many love songs to Robin Quiver's breasts on the Howard Stern show.

[1341] There's hundreds and hundreds that have been made.

[1342] And she made one, and it ended up on the program.

[1343] So awesome.

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] Do they play that every day, or not Jackie's, but do they play a new breast song every day?

[1346] Pretty much.

[1347] There's songs about a lot.

[1348] There's songs about Gary Baba Booie's teeth.

[1349] Oh, okay.

[1350] Yeah, almost every episode, his horse teeth.

[1351] Oh, okay.

[1352] And there's songs about different members of the crew that people don't like.

[1353] Like, they don't like Benji.

[1354] So there's mean songs about Benji.

[1355] Okay.

[1356] And then there's generally the songs about Robin or about her breasts.

[1357] Oh.

[1358] Yeah.

[1359] She loves them.

[1360] And they're really creative and they're fun for everyone.

[1361] That's fun.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] And Jackie has the honor of having had one play.

[1364] Yeah, that's special.

[1365] Mm -hmm.

[1366] She's an incredible musician.

[1367] She sure is.

[1368] Yeah.

[1369] People know her from our Christmas special, from Glow.

[1370] Los Angeles Live show.

[1371] That's right.

[1372] Yeah.

[1373] Yeah.

[1374] Okay.

[1375] So he mentions his dad's current show, something with Evil Angoria, something about a hotel.

[1376] It's called Grand Hotel.

[1377] He didn't know.

[1378] He didn't know.

[1379] Yeah.

[1380] Typical son dad stuff, right?

[1381] Oh, yeah.

[1382] Speaking of that.

[1383] Because you said my dad's a civil engineer.

[1384] And I'm like, no, he's not.

[1385] He's a structural engineer.

[1386] Structural.

[1387] But it's the same.

[1388] Well, he's a mechanical engineer probably.

[1389] No, he's a structural engineer.

[1390] But that is a specific subfield of civil engineer.

[1391] Yep, exactly.

[1392] So I texted him today to get that info.

[1393] Right.

[1394] So you have mechanical engineers and they're designing cars generally and moving parts, right?

[1395] And then you have electrical engineers.

[1396] Uh -huh.

[1397] And they're doing, well, obviously, electricity, right?

[1398] Right.

[1399] And then you have civil engineers that are then doing structures, public work projects, dams, bridges, roads.

[1400] Sure.

[1401] Lots of stuff.

[1402] All that great stuff.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] And you have sound engineers.

[1405] Oh, but I don't think they're engineers in the traditional sense.

[1406] I don't think that's a four -year degree.

[1407] Probably not.

[1408] No. That's not to throw shade on the sound industry.

[1409] Or sound engineers.

[1410] Yeah.

[1411] And then you also have Imagineers over at Disney who draw all the cartoons, Imagineers.

[1412] Oh, those are my favorite kind of engineers.

[1413] Sorry bad.

[1414] Anyway, Grand Hotel, that's the show.

[1415] Eva Longoria executive produces this bold, provocative drama set at the last family -owned hotel in multicultural Miami Beach.

[1416] Mm -hmm.

[1417] So that sounds interesting.

[1418] Mm -hmm.

[1419] Grand Hotel.

[1420] So you asked about Chris's address.

[1421] Italian grandparents.

[1422] And you said, what do you call them, Nana and Pippi?

[1423] Those might be Italian grandparent names, but the ones I know are Nona and Nona.

[1424] Yeah.

[1425] I like that.

[1426] Yeah.

[1427] I'd want to be no -no.

[1428] Yeah.

[1429] I feel like I'm saying it wrong, but.

[1430] Nona and Nona?

[1431] It's definitely Nona.

[1432] Mimi and Pippi is French.

[1433] That's what I had to call my grandpa as he was French.

[1434] Oh.

[1435] But Mimmy, Grandma Midge was not going for me. Mimi.

[1436] She didn't want that.

[1437] No, she was Belgium.

[1438] So she was like, just because I married a Frenchman doesn't mean I'm going by Mimi.

[1439] Oh, so she wanted Grandma Midge.

[1440] Grandma Midge and Pippi.

[1441] Yeah.

[1442] Or Pipp.

[1443] We just shortened it.

[1444] That's cute.

[1445] Yeah.

[1446] It's really cute.

[1447] I had a falling out though with Pipp.

[1448] You did?

[1449] Yeah.

[1450] We were best buddies.

[1451] We were best buddies.

[1452] I used to go spend a few weeks there in the summer.

[1453] And we would go canoeing almost every day.

[1454] And, and, and, And, I mean, this is so dangerous.

[1455] We would canoe with his moped in the center of the canoe, which made the canoe so top -heavy.

[1456] And the canoe already almost tips over so easy, right?

[1457] Yeah.

[1458] But my Pippi was the most brilliantly stubborn man. I mean, if you want to know where it comes from, it is straight from Pippi.

[1459] This guy, he had a will like you never saw.

[1460] So he needed to canoe a lot.

[1461] Yeah.

[1462] The problem is you canoe downstream.

[1463] then you pull over and how the fuck do you get back to your truck so what he would do is we would load a goddamn solex moped into the center of a canoe strap it down i was very nervous about the whole thing but he would pack me one twinkie and that was worth the whole thing for me and you never capsized we never capsized and uh and he what would happen is we would we would canoe for a couple hours we'd pull over we'd unload the solex moped he would then ride the solex moped he would then ride the down the Indiana toll road.

[1464] That's illegal.

[1465] You can't ride a moped that goes 20 down the fucking highway.

[1466] Okay.

[1467] And I would sit with the canoe in a field at, I don't know, seven years old for.

[1468] By yourself.

[1469] At least an hour.

[1470] It took him forever to get the moped back to the truck.

[1471] And then he'd have to load the moped into the truck by himself.

[1472] And the whole time I'm just sitting there.

[1473] Oh, eating your twinkie, I hope.

[1474] No, I had already indulged in that on the waterway.

[1475] You couldn't wait.

[1476] And he sang this song, too.

[1477] every time we canoed and he had made it up he said it's the only way i know it's the only way i go put your oar in the water and paddle down the stream and this song he just made up i hate to find out that was actually a song but it was the only way he knows it's the only way he goes so we were bros okay we also went camping okay i remember this very clearly okay we may made hot dogs.

[1478] He didn't bring ketchup.

[1479] He said, we have open pit barbecue sauce.

[1480] Why don't you try that?

[1481] I put the open pit barbecue sauce on the hot dog.

[1482] By God, it was fucking delicious.

[1483] You loved it.

[1484] I was at a nine.

[1485] I'm eating this hot dog with open pit barbecue.

[1486] There's a fire going.

[1487] Just he and I camp him.

[1488] Okay.

[1489] And he says, you know, your father doesn't love you.

[1490] Oh, boy.

[1491] Out of, what?

[1492] Yep.

[1493] My Pippie loved my dad.

[1494] When they got married, he was so into my dad.

[1495] My dad was like a real go -getter.

[1496] He bought a house for he and my mom.

[1497] He was big.

[1498] My Pippi was a small Frenchman.

[1499] He loved that my dad was big.

[1500] And he just loved him.

[1501] Yeah.

[1502] And then he was so disappointed when they got divorced.

[1503] And then, of course, my father then began struggling with alcoholism.

[1504] Right.

[1505] I now have the perspective that I imagine in Pippi's mind he was letting me know.

[1506] I think he was attempting to say, don't take this personal.

[1507] Your dad's not choosing this stuff over you.

[1508] I don't know.

[1509] I don't know.

[1510] But I'll tell you this.

[1511] He said your father doesn't love you.

[1512] That's why he's acting that way.

[1513] Oh, boy.

[1514] And from that day on, I never liked Pippi again.

[1515] I never wanted to go canoeing, never wanted to go camping, didn't want to go visit anymore.

[1516] Of course he didn't.

[1517] Who would want to go visit that?

[1518] Yeah.

[1519] And is it?

[1520] It's so, it speaks a little.

[1521] a lot to like the loyalty you have with your parents because even though I was angry at my dad well it's not even it is that it's loyalty but it's also he's telling you the one thing that you are fearing he's telling you that that's the truth who no that's horrible yeah and it's not the truth I have to imagine though that he had some he thought that was somehow going to be helpful he was not a mean man he was a very loving me he loved me and he was taking me everywhere we or pals.

[1522] But, yeah, that was a wrap on Pip for me. I mean, I was cordial to him, but I never, yeah.

[1523] Well, I think that he maybe was so protective of your mom that he hated your dad in that point and felt like he maybe in his brain he felt like he must not love these children because he did all this, you know.

[1524] I bet he had this like.

[1525] old -fashioned tough love thing where he didn't want to see me pine for my dad's affection for the next 12 years and not get it.

[1526] So he was trying to rip the band -aid off and make me just move on.

[1527] Like, forget about him.

[1528] Maybe.

[1529] I don't know.

[1530] Again, I don't know.

[1531] That just doesn't seem like maybe.

[1532] I have to assume his intention was altruistic.

[1533] But of course, I couldn't see it at eight years old or whatever it was.

[1534] But it could have been altruistic or it could have been a human slip of of defense again protection or defense of your mom and maybe he's with you and he's seeing this and he's like this this low life person who could be having all this isn't he just got angry and maybe said that yeah he had a great temper oh he did oh fuck yeah oh great yeah the side of my mom that would get out at stoplights and challenge men to fights did not come from grandma midge that's 100 percent pippy oh yeah also grandma midge is still with us mm -hmm 93 yeah that's great down in homo sasa florida oh mm -hmm homo salsa mm -hmm I'm likely saying that wrong but it sounds similar to that yeah well anyway I'm's a sad story I'm sorry that happened to you yeah I wish I would have been old enough because he died when I'll never forget we because we were in When, you know, when I had to tasseled corn, I stayed with them.

[1535] They lived on the border of Indiana, so my cousin and I went into tasseled corn in the summer.

[1536] And I remember right when we got back from that, he went into the hospital with stomach cancer.

[1537] And he was dead.

[1538] And I mean, he died so quick of that.

[1539] And I wasn't old enough to have recognized that he was probably trying to help me. So I, unfortunately, I never had the perspective.

[1540] Yeah, I never like patch things up with him.

[1541] Yeah.

[1542] But it sounds like you just needed to do that in your own mind anyway.

[1543] It didn't sound like you were like mean to him or anything.

[1544] I wonder if ever occurred to him like, oh, we don't hang out anymore.

[1545] I wonder if I did anything.

[1546] I don't know.

[1547] These older men from older generation, they had such pride that they would like, they'd fuck up and they would just, they'd sooner write someone off and deal with the admitting they've erred or something.

[1548] I know.

[1549] I do think things were way different.

[1550] Yeah.

[1551] Men were way different.

[1552] Yeah.

[1553] I think they're moving in the right direction.

[1554] I think so.

[1555] Yeah.

[1556] I definitely think so.

[1557] Yeah.

[1558] I can't imagine telling my.

[1559] I, like my kids have kids telling one of their kids that their father doesn't love him.

[1560] No. I just wouldn't have anything.

[1561] It's not even.

[1562] It's not on the menu.

[1563] It's not something an Imagineer could ever create.

[1564] But I hope you didn't believe him because that's not true.

[1565] No, my dad loved me like crazy.

[1566] Yeah.

[1567] He just was, you know.

[1568] That's the other thing.

[1569] I think of all these addiction conversations we've had recently, like Johan Hari and all this, I do want people to remember because it's really.

[1570] easy to feel um because it's true that that the person's picked this addiction over you you know that you weren't more important than that addiction but i do just want to remind people that they also pick the addiction over themselves yeah you know they're picking it over themselves as well first and foremost they're destroying themselves so if they they can't they don't even have the will to care about themselves and it's hard to extend that out you know yeah absolutely yeah that's very true.

[1571] Oh, is bad memory a side effect of antidepressants?

[1572] Antidepressants are a very effective medication for both depression and anxiety, but unfortunately they do cause some bothersome side effects in some people, including loss of libido, weight loss, or gain.

[1573] I know, I hate.

[1574] Nausea, insomnia, fatigue, and also memory loss.

[1575] Too sleepy and insomnia.

[1576] Lethargy.

[1577] What were we watching?

[1578] Oh, my gosh.

[1579] and you were watching the R. Kelly documentary.

[1580] And we were watching at DirecTV playback.

[1581] Yeah.

[1582] Yeah.

[1583] They had only, I guess, two commercials.

[1584] What was the product?

[1585] You had remembered it.

[1586] The next day, I was impressed that you remembered it.

[1587] Because the name of it was something.

[1588] Abilify?

[1589] No. No. I can't remember.

[1590] I'll say it on the next fact check.

[1591] I'll find it.

[1592] But anyway, the whole commercial was listing side effects.

[1593] It was a sketch.

[1594] sketch there was one positive statement at the beginning it was one sentence like oh my skin feels better and then it went on for and we timed it it was like a 90 second commercial to fit in all the side effects and it listed every single thing that could go wrong with a human and remember we were conflicting things like every like cancer was like one of them sure liver failure like we slowly we started going through and it ticked every organ was potentially fail because it was so funny yeah yeah anyway so memory loss can be a side effect not always but can be can be yeah well guess it's worth it though i think it is if you're suicidal you'd rather be alive than remember last week and you probably don't want to remember last week yeah if it was if you wanted to kill yourself what if that's all that medication was doing was wiping out your memory because the memory was what was making you depressed that was the sad thing yeah Yeah.

[1595] It's kind of like a magician.

[1596] Ooh.

[1597] Slight a hand.

[1598] But I do want to clarify, we're talking about memory and we're talking about Kristen, that her memory is actually astounding in a few ways.

[1599] But, and we've said that before on here, like she's incredibly good at memorizing lines, but she is.

[1600] Sometimes she'll help me with auditions and we'll read it once and then she's like, totally off book.

[1601] Yes.

[1602] It's incredible.

[1603] It really is incredible.

[1604] And, you know, Game of Thrones, she can name all those characters and the plot lines.

[1605] Plot lines of things we watched years ago, lyrics for songs, impeccable.

[1606] Yeah.

[1607] So she has like a kind of crazy savant -like memory in some ways.

[1608] But then I started thinking when I was listening to this, I was like, actually, I wonder if that's not memory.

[1609] That is maybe something else, a different compartment where, like, definitely with the lines, that must be just a muscle that's now been used a ton that she has a lot of access to and a lot of practice.

[1610] Her muscle's like, toyed.

[1611] Mine's been getting toyed because I've been back to work on a single cam.

[1612] Yeah.

[1613] I'm Bless This Mess.

[1614] And I am finding that even by week two, I can just read the sides in rehearsal one time and then shoot it and I have it, which is what I used to be able to do on parenthood, but I had anxiety going back to single cam that I was going to struggle with that, and it came back pretty quick.

[1615] Yeah.

[1616] So I'm starting to think that it's not memory, that that's like some different type of compartment.

[1617] Maybe even Game of Thrones is a different compartment.

[1618] A bunch of secret compartments.

[1619] All right.

[1620] Well, you said you haven't cried in 11 years, and that's just boo hockey.

[1621] Yeah, I need to be clear about that.

[1622] Like the kind of day now.

[1623] I tear up every day now, yeah.

[1624] Yeah.

[1625] Yep, I do.

[1626] That's right.

[1627] But, um, it's cute.

[1628] You know, the kind of cry where you, like, you can't catch your breath and you're actually audibly crying and stuff.

[1629] Yes.

[1630] Yeah.

[1631] The last time that happened was when my dad got in a head -on collision and I was in the hospital.

[1632] And that was 14 when that happened.

[1633] That's the last, like, big cry.

[1634] And then a, and then a half cry when I had my concussion.

[1635] I'm, I aspire to have a big cry.

[1636] Like, where, I'm, like, like, I'm, like.

[1637] all that and I can't catch my breath.

[1638] Yeah.

[1639] I really want that back.

[1640] I hope you get it.

[1641] But it wasn't manly when I was a kid.

[1642] I know.

[1643] You know what it really was is a response to not allowing my brother to have power over me. That's what 100 % what it is.

[1644] It's like I knew the reward for fucking with me is that I would cry.

[1645] Right.

[1646] And then I just, I couldn't give them that victory.

[1647] Yeah.

[1648] I believe that's what it is.

[1649] So you just got trained.

[1650] Mm -hmm.

[1651] Yeah.

[1652] But, you know, the cutest thing was when Aaron and Weekly and I would get in trouble, which was, you know, once a week in junior high.

[1653] And we would go down to Bart Montani, our principal's office.

[1654] Bart would get one sentence out, and Aaron would just be bawling.

[1655] And I would stare directly at Bart Montani mad that he's making Aaron cry.

[1656] Like, I'd be infuriated by this whole thing.

[1657] And I'd be mad dogging him and I fucking him while Aaron's crying.

[1658] Oh, did you hug Aaron?

[1659] Of course.

[1660] You did?

[1661] Yes, of course.

[1662] Always I'd put my arm around him.

[1663] Oh, that's so cute.

[1664] I fucking love my son so much.

[1665] I know.

[1666] I think that's so cute.

[1667] You know that boys crying was like a fetish of mine.

[1668] Yes.

[1669] It's one of your.

[1670] I guess I shouldn't say was.

[1671] It's one of your love languages.

[1672] It probably still is.

[1673] I just haven't experienced that in a long time.

[1674] But I remember this one boy on the football team who I had a big crush on from afar.

[1675] He was so cute.

[1676] I was obsessed with him.

[1677] I used to drop like whole papers.

[1678] of his name and like but it was a good doodle like sometimes we'd spend all day in class just making doodles and then passing them to our friends oh really for a long time yes and then he was on the football team and I don't know if it was like the last game or something but he was crying oh man I just couldn't handle it yeah yeah you describe the feelings well and I wish I can remember the phrase.

[1679] So Callie reminded me of this recently that I used to call it something because it would like, you know, your eyes will like fill up and then sometimes there's just like a little bit of tear that starts to fall.

[1680] Yeah.

[1681] That's the foreplay for you.

[1682] Yeah.

[1683] I really like that.

[1684] And I used to call it something.

[1685] And now I'm forgetting.

[1686] But anyway.

[1687] And you want to go over and start nurturing the boy.

[1688] Yeah.

[1689] I think so.

[1690] Yeah.

[1691] And then maybe that'll lead to some kissing.

[1692] Yeah, absolutely will.

[1693] And more.

[1694] Yeah.

[1695] That's kind of a well -worn trope in movies where, like, the woman's crying, the man's comforting, the woman, and then they start kissing.

[1696] I've seen that in a lot of movies in the 80s.

[1697] Sure, yeah.

[1698] Yeah.

[1699] Or it's always like the plot line of win -up.

[1700] The girl breaks up with the guy's friend.

[1701] And then the guy's consoling her and then kissing happens.

[1702] Of course.

[1703] Mm -hmm.

[1704] I've been in that situation a couple times.

[1705] that felt pretty unethical, shooting fish in a barrel, yeah.

[1706] So it's really exploiting someone.

[1707] I want someone's approval on their best day, you know.

[1708] Yeah, exactly.

[1709] No, but it's it's a vulnerability thing that's attractive, I know, to me. It's very attractive.

[1710] So your dream greeting would be a double handshake while crying.

[1711] That'd be straight to the hotel.

[1712] No, also, okay.

[1713] Also, they can't be crying for no reason.

[1714] It has to be warranted.

[1715] If they're just, like, crying all the time.

[1716] Because they're a cry baby.

[1717] Yeah, that I'm not interested.

[1718] That I'm not, I'm not interested.

[1719] Like, they're just sobbing all the time.

[1720] Yeah.

[1721] I get, all right, so I'm going to guess that your very favorite moment of any scene ever filmed.

[1722] Yeah, it's, it's obvious.

[1723] Is Matt Damon in therapy and Goodwill Honey.

[1724] Love that scene.

[1725] So much.

[1726] I watched the movie last night.

[1727] I know.

[1728] You said you stumbled upon it.

[1729] And I said, what, in your search?

[1730] I know.

[1731] But no, I didn't.

[1732] I, it just appeared.

[1733] I didn't know was on.

[1734] Netflix.

[1735] Just a little gift fell into your lap.

[1736] And when you got to that scene, did you kind perk up?

[1737] PQ?

[1738] Yeah.

[1739] Um, yeah.

[1740] Still have the same power.

[1741] Yeah.

[1742] Wow.

[1743] But I, but it, it has a different power now because now it's like mixed with, like the other day I drove by a high school.

[1744] And I got all of these unexpected feelings when I drove by.

[1745] Sensations.

[1746] Sensations and feelings.

[1747] Yeah.

[1748] All kinds of things.

[1749] And it's sort of that now.

[1750] that movie because now it's tied to like youth yep mm -hmm yeah there's a lot going on there so much going on powerful piece complicated powerful piece it's such a good movie oh god if we get mad damon here and i could get him to cry what a thing we'd have that'd be the first thing i'd be willing yeah that's the first thing i'd be willing to run video on his his tears and i'd have robbie doing a slow pushing on you as he was crying like conventional wisdom would be like oh camera on the guy who's crying.

[1751] That's where the money's at.

[1752] No. Pan left.

[1753] Yeah.

[1754] Get Monica.

[1755] That's like at weddings when when the bride appears, everyone's looking at the bride, but you should be looking at the groom to see the groom's reaction.

[1756] Oh, I didn't know that trick.

[1757] Uh -huh.

[1758] That's a good trick.

[1759] You know a lot about weddings.

[1760] Well, that's also the guy is about to cry.

[1761] So that's where I love.

[1762] Oh, sure, sure.

[1763] That makes sense.

[1764] So you get hot for the groom at a wedding.

[1765] Well, I'm not going to say it.

[1766] hasn't happened.

[1767] Sure.

[1768] Um, oh, this episode was really Luke Perry heavy.

[1769] We talked a lot about, he hadn't died yet.

[1770] No, he hadn't.

[1771] He had not.

[1772] So we weren't being insensitive.

[1773] Yeah, maybe it sounds cold that none of us said like, uh, rest in peace or something.

[1774] Right.

[1775] Should we have said that in the intro?

[1776] Hmm.

[1777] Maybe.

[1778] Maybe.

[1779] But anyway, um, it's really sad.

[1780] Yeah, totally.

[1781] You had a heart.

[1782] A stroke.

[1783] A stroke.

[1784] Yeah.

[1785] And he's really young still.

[1786] He's got a family.

[1787] It's horrible.

[1788] That's really sad.

[1789] Anyway.

[1790] Oh, okay.

[1791] So he said in middle school, there's only seventh and eighth grade in L .A. So then I checked about that to my mom friends on Marco Polo.

[1792] And they said it depends on the district, but no, most schools in the L .A. USDA program.

[1793] are six, seventh, and eighth.

[1794] Oh, okay.

[1795] So he must have had just a random experience.

[1796] That is.

[1797] I've had friends that just had seventh and eighth.

[1798] That's always confusing to me. That was mine.

[1799] You were seventh and eighth?

[1800] Mm -hmm.

[1801] Wow.

[1802] I wonder what impact that had on you.

[1803] Wobby Wai.

[1804] You're happily married with a child and gainfully employed, so.

[1805] Clearly, it didn't derail Wabi too much.

[1806] No. Did Christelia and Kristen have sex?

[1807] I asked Kristen, she said she does.

[1808] No, so we can say yes.

[1809] Oh, great.

[1810] So they did have sex.

[1811] Perfect.

[1812] You heard it here second.

[1813] That's right.

[1814] That is right.

[1815] You said that you can't, you were talking about Dane Cook and you said you can't think of a comedian, a stand -up comedian that all these girls want to fuck, basically.

[1816] And that's just not true.

[1817] It's not true.

[1818] No. Okay.

[1819] No. Okay.

[1820] I think in your point of view, you're looking at the person.

[1821] in assessing the person's physical presence and saying, like, well, that person isn't someone who immediately they'll walk up stage and all these girls are going to be flocking to him.

[1822] But girls care about what's coming out of their mouth.

[1823] Yeah.

[1824] And if they're good, yeah, that's it.

[1825] I guess I'm more mean, like, if you look at the history of comedy, generally, this goes for talk show hosts, this goes, you know, generally they play a role that is they're the butt of the joke it's just kind of the vast majority it's like you know it's like Will Ferrell's stumbling around and Chris Farley stumbling around not afraid to look stupid yeah there's all these things and then there's a couple of rare examples like Vince Vaughn who's like he's just some alpha stud who's also funny uh -huh that's less normal I guess is what I'm saying I think you're right, but I think you're seeing that from a very male perspective.

[1826] Sure.

[1827] I don't think, I don't think women are less or more attracted to Will Ferrell or Vince Vaughn, if I'm being honest.

[1828] I think if they see both of those, like, they want both.

[1829] Well, but she's not going over just to get banged.

[1830] She wants the whole package.

[1831] But girls.

[1832] I mean, girls, don't you think, like, can we say percentage -wise that girls would want to have sex with Vince Vaughn, a much higher percentage than Chris Farley or Will Farrell.

[1833] See, Chris Farley, yes, but that's a very, very specific.

[1834] Extreme example, yes.

[1835] And, but I think most girls, sex is tied to the other stuff.

[1836] But in the fantasy, it's not just sex.

[1837] There's so much more to it.

[1838] So it is different than a guy who's seeing a girl who's like, I want to fuck that girl, but I then will leave and I'll be.

[1839] happy I'll be happy and I don't never need to see that person again that's not what's happening in fantasies for girls well I now I would believe if you said um the majority of women would want to marry will feral over Vince Vaughn I go yeah yeah I totally believe that yeah but that's what I'm saying I'm saying in your brain you you have it separated because men do that and women do that far less I agree totally far less but I also have the unique experience of being friends with somebody who's an actor who female friends of mine have texts me saying I want to fuck him I don't want anything else from him so I'm aware of the fact that some guys not me some guys have this thing where women will be happy with just fucking I guess that's true I just in there I'm sure there are exceptions but I just I can they can say pretty confidently that for the most part, the female fantasy is about the whole thing.

[1840] It's about sex, but it's also about being with that person and the way that person makes them feel.

[1841] And men, I think the fantasy is more raw.

[1842] Yeah.

[1843] I also think it's relevant what the artist is selling.

[1844] So it's like you have certain boy bands that they're pushing, that they're virgins.

[1845] Right.

[1846] Right.

[1847] So the girls that are going to those shows, it's like a much safer.

[1848] But if you like the Rolling Stones.

[1849] It still could be like, I want to be the person that.

[1850] Yeah, for sure.

[1851] But the Rolling Stones were explicitly advertising.

[1852] We like to fuck.

[1853] Yeah.

[1854] You know, so like, I don't know.

[1855] I just think there's something different about what message you're putting out there.

[1856] And then who's responding to the message.

[1857] But also with comedy, if we're just in that category, which we were, you, your actor friends are a little bit.

[1858] of a different story.

[1859] But with comedy and comics who are writing their own shit, they're selling their personality regardless of what they look like.

[1860] Mm -hmm.

[1861] So I don't think most girls are like, oh, I just want to fuck that person and that's it, because there's personality attached.

[1862] That's them.

[1863] Mm -hmm.

[1864] So whatever's attractive is the combination of whatever they look like plus whatever they're saying.

[1865] Mm -hmm.

[1866] So I think the girls who, I think there are a lot of girls who want to fuck comics, but I think it's because of what they're saying, not what they look like.

[1867] Yeah.

[1868] Then sometimes, though, they have both things.

[1869] Sometimes they have both things.

[1870] Yeah.

[1871] That's really it.

[1872] That's it?

[1873] What's the last one?

[1874] Oh, no, it was just about cults.

[1875] Oh, yeah.

[1876] Just because Chris likes cults.

[1877] He's a comfortable sense.

[1878] He's a cult leader.

[1879] Yeah, and you're not comfortable with that, even though I say that you are one.

[1880] Yeah, I never like it.

[1881] I know you don't.

[1882] But I don't really think that.

[1883] Some days I think it more than others.

[1884] Oh, what are some of the days you thought at the most?

[1885] No, I don't know specifically, but.

[1886] But I'm particularly arrogant or something on a day?

[1887] No. It really has nothing to do with you, weirdly.

[1888] I mean, it does.

[1889] It's because, I mean, you're obviously, like, charismatic and, uh, I think I'm just tall.

[1890] No. I think it gets misunderstood.

[1891] No, you're smart.

[1892] So you're, you're, you're like, you're giving people information they don't have.

[1893] That's a big component of it, I think.

[1894] Of cultness.

[1895] Yeah.

[1896] Because they're, they're gaining something from your presence.

[1897] But I am leading with the fact that this is not my information.

[1898] I just, I grabbed it from A and I'm like kind of passing it on, whereas, like, This is my issue with Deepak Chopra is I tried to read his book of all these people like him.

[1899] And then the intro to the book is that he had some, you know, otherworldly metaphysical experience on a park bench.

[1900] And then I'm out because I'm like, oh, you just basically said you've had some divinity strike you.

[1901] So what you have, no one else can have.

[1902] And you're going to let us have some shittier version that we'll never have.

[1903] I was like, I'm out.

[1904] If you're just telling me what you read about some scientific study or what you heard somewhere else, cool.

[1905] I think it's when the person is pretending that the knowledge is theirs.

[1906] That's true.

[1907] Although I feel like you can have like original thoughts based on other people's work, I guess.

[1908] For sure.

[1909] For sure.

[1910] And that's good.

[1911] Yeah.

[1912] But I'm just a regular old scumbag junkie who's, you know, picked up a couple of.

[1913] I'll pull of pearls that I repeat.

[1914] But anyway, I'm just, I think you're a Colleener.

[1915] Okay.

[1916] Well, I love you.

[1917] Love you.

[1918] And have a wonderful week.

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