MFM Minisode 108

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Welcome to my favorite.

[17] Murder, the minisone.

[18] quit it the whole time we do that just speak at the same time but we're guessing I bet we could do it yeah let's not let's do it no let's not no let's not found on you okay this is that where did you shit here we go Karen are you ready Karen you want to go first um hey do you want me to go first yes please would you love it if I went first is the way I should have asked would you love this the subject line of this as dispatchers help Catch a murderer on the run.

[19] Dear Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and colleagues.

[20] I love it.

[21] I was a dispatcher in a local city for about 10 years.

[22] During that time, we took so many crazy calls, but one really sticks out for me. A woman had been killed, execution style in the parking lot of an apartment complex by her estranged boyfriend.

[23] This happened overnight, and her boyfriend fled the scene and went to another city.

[24] He ended up calling our dispatch center and was playing the concerned boyfriend card asking about her status.

[25] Apparently, he didn't know that she actually died.

[26] Out of nowhere, I just came up with an idea to tell him that I couldn't release any information on her medical condition, but I would transfer him to the hospital where she was and let him to speak to the nurse in charge.

[27] I placed him on hold and told my fellow dispatcher to be the charge nurse.

[28] Can you do?

[29] Is this legal?

[30] Who knows?

[31] And I would transfer this guy to him.

[32] I think first, if you start by murdering your girlfriend.

[33] Right.

[34] Right.

[35] How about if you call 911, they can do whatever they want.

[36] Yeah.

[37] Be warned.

[38] Okay.

[39] My fellow dispatcher did a fucking amazing job of getting information from this guy and convinced him to come back to our city to see his girlfriend in the hospital.

[40] The other dispatcher working that night was my best friend and she was coordinating our responses.

[41] To make a very long story short, we had our officers waiting for him at the hospital and he was arrested.

[42] We got commendations from our lieutenant for the quick thinking and the work we put in that night.

[43] So yeah, it's legal.

[44] It was such a great feeling knowing we had a small part in getting this guy off the streets.

[45] I'm no longer in law enforcement, and I don't know what happened to that guy in court, but it's still one of my proudest moments.

[46] Stay sexy and don't be an idiot murderer and an overall shitty person.

[47] That's our new tagline.

[48] It's time for a change.

[49] Stay sexy and don't be an idiot murderer and an overall shitty person.

[50] Thanks for all you guys do, Amy.

[51] Wow, that's incredible.

[52] That's the best.

[53] Good job.

[54] Are you good at like if someone's like, pretend to be this?

[55] I couldn't do it.

[56] I guess it just depends.

[57] I mean, like, I think I'd be okay at it.

[58] But I have that thing where, like, even if it was something just like a real life thing, like I'd want to be a really good, I would want people to think I did good acting and then I'd overthink it and be bad.

[59] Overdo it, yeah.

[60] I just can't.

[61] I would start giggling even if it was serious because I just can't do shit like that.

[62] Okay, this one's a little long.

[63] So I'm going to go first with it.

[64] Reason 101, why you shouldn't ever scare this shit.

[65] of your, out of your grandma, lighthearted.

[66] Hi, KGS and fur.

[67] So back in the day, you hate it.

[68] So back in the day, ever since I can remember, my sister and I love to hide and jump out and scare the shit out of our grandma.

[69] God rest her soul.

[70] And before being judged, she would do the same to us.

[71] Yes.

[72] Fuck yeah, grandma.

[73] Oh, my God.

[74] I know, so very weird.

[75] However, it was just one of the many crazy things.

[76] we did with our grandma since she was quite the character.

[77] One day, my sister was at my grandma's house waiting for her to get dropped off by my mom.

[78] She had been in the front of the house and had come to the back where she heard my grandma fumbling with her key in the lock at the door.

[79] She then got the fantastic idea, you guessed it, to scare the shit out of my grandma.

[80] She crept as quietly as she could, grab the inside door handle, and even bent over at the waist so she could be eye -level with her and get her real good.

[81] then as swiftly as she could she turned the handle really fast through the door open and still crouched screamed to the top of her lungs bow!

[82] However, to her ever living fucking horror it was not my grandmother.

[83] It was a creepy man with a screwdriver that was trying to pick the lock.

[84] Oh, fuck!

[85] I don't know how old the sister was, but I'm picturing seven, nine, yeah.

[86] Yeah, ten?

[87] Yeah, 11.

[88] Twelve.

[89] They were literally an inch away from each other, and mind you, face to face, since he was bent over hard at work breaking into the door to get into the damn house.

[90] She said they both froze for what seemed like five minutes, but in all probability, probably about five seconds.

[91] He was so shocked and equally horrified that this crazy bitch screamed boo in his face that he dropped the screwdriver, fell backwards, couldn't get it fast enough because he kept tripping and took off around the corner of the house and down the driveway in a mad dash.

[92] My sister was so shaken up, obviously, that it took her several minutes to move, close the door, and lock it and dial the rotary phone for help.

[93] Yes, we're old.

[94] We shuddered to think what could have happened.

[95] I mean, too many ways this fucking story could have ended, and I could be telling y 'all about it in an entirely different way.

[96] We never found out who it was or caught him, but we also wonder if this could have possibly been his fucking wake -up call to never try that again.

[97] Yeah.

[98] Lesson learned from the boo screaming bitch, my sister.

[99] I can't wait to see you guys in Houston in May. Stay sexy.

[100] And for God's sake, don't fucking play such a terrifying game of scaring the shit out of your grandma ever.

[101] Thanks for everything y 'all doing.

[102] Y 'all rock.

[103] That was amazing.

[104] Yes.

[105] Also, yeah, it's the argument of like not every, not every person breaking into your house is like brave and psychotic.

[106] Some of them are just like desperate and scared as scared as you are.

[107] And that doesn't matter.

[108] Don't interact with them.

[109] Right.

[110] Right, right.

[111] Don't offer them coffee.

[112] They're not better than you because they're breaking into your house.

[113] Are they brave?

[114] No, they're terrified.

[115] You're as creepy as they are.

[116] You're the bravest person we've ever met.

[117] And the creepiest person.

[118] Go creep somebody else out.

[119] Go show them.

[120] Yeah.

[121] But you take two screwdrivers with you.

[122] Don't do any of this.

[123] Okay.

[124] I won't redo the subject line of this.

[125] I just learned something interesting tonight after playing board games for the evening with my parents, husband and son.

[126] I can't believe I'm learning this at Apparently when I was two years old, my dad was nearly arrested for robbing a bank.

[127] He was at a gas station when a police officer approached him and told him he had to accompany him for a trip to the police station.

[128] My dad is the most passive, kind, elementary school teacher, man on the planet.

[129] And gladly obliged.

[130] Once at the station, he was handed a few photographs and asked, who does this look like?

[131] My sweet angel father laughed and said, well, that looks like me. Oh, my God.

[132] What was the picture, you ask?

[133] It was a man robbing the local bank.

[134] My dad, of course, explained it wasn't him and then gave an alibi.

[135] Unfortunately, that alibi was nearly useless as he was getting a haircut at my great aunt's house.

[136] Oh, my God.

[137] What made matters worse was they checked his bank accounts, and it showed he'd just moved all of his funds to an out -of -state bank.

[138] You see, my mom, pregnant with my brother and I had just moved to Tacoma, Washington, where we were waiting on my dad to wrap up his side business.

[139] of family portraits in Idaho.

[140] So it looked like he had moved his family, closed his business, robbed a bank, and was leaving town to start over.

[141] In the end, he was...

[142] Not a bad plan, really.

[143] Right.

[144] In the end, he was only saved because he grew up with the judge that was asked to sign the warrant.

[145] And the judge laughed and said, that's ridiculous.

[146] There's no way that could be bill.

[147] Eventually, they did catch the real bank robber, thank goodness, because my dad was instructed not to leave town until it was resolved.

[148] He said he suffered some pretty sweaty palms for a while, but that it was all worth it for the cash.

[149] Dad jokes.

[150] Oh, dad jokes.

[151] Yeah.

[152] Stay sexy and don't tell the police you look like the bank robber, Rachel.

[153] Well, that looks like me. Why?

[154] Oh, I know the answer.

[155] Oh, hey, isn't that weird?

[156] What's us all about, officer?

[157] Let's see here.

[158] I have two grandpa's stories.

[159] Let's do, um, okay, let's do this one.

[160] Hey, this is exciting.

[161] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming.

[162] to Hulu on August 27th.

[163] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[164] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[165] Who killed Saz?

[166] And were they really after Charles?

[167] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[168] This season, murder hits close to home.

[169] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[170] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[171] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[172] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to run.

[173] roll.

[174] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[175] Only Martyrs in the Building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[176] Goodbye.

[177] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[178] Absolutely.

[179] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[180] Exactly.

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[183] That's right.

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[190] sales and if you're a business owner you can too connect with customers in line and online do retail right with shopify sign up for a one dollar per month trial period at shopify dot com slash murder important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify dot com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that's shopify dot com slash murder goodbye no let's see this one oh la karen georgia stephen and fur friends my name is uh dinora and i'm originally from Puerto Rico, but I've been living in Nashville, Tennessee, since 2010.

[191] Ola.

[192] Ola.

[193] Okay.

[194] My mom and I were leaving a Pilates class and listening to a minisode when she revealed that my paternal grandfather went to prison for murder.

[195] Oh.

[196] Back in the late 70s, my grandfather was a low -level drug dealer in Puerto Rico, and one day he noticed that a weird car had passed by his house a couple times.

[197] All of a sudden, the people from inside that car started shooting into my grandfather's house inside were my dad, his siblings, and his mom.

[198] my grandfather took a gun from his illegal gun stash and started shooting yeah i bet he did unfortunately he ended up killing an innocent bystander that was trying to shield himself from the gunfire oh god my grandfather ended up being charged with involuntary homicide because he refused to name the people who were shooting at him well but that's oh my shit snitch is good smart yeah that's right um my grandfather ended up going to jail with serial murderers in la princessa prison which is located inside the el morrow fort in Puerto Rico.

[199] I'm sure it's a lovely place to summer.

[200] Well, that's where they imprison all the princesses.

[201] You know.

[202] La Princessa.

[203] He recounted the stories of how prisoners would murder each other and cut people in pieces and hide them in walls.

[204] No!

[205] In prison?

[206] Pieces of people in prison walls.

[207] So this is basically a murder and finding things in the walls story.

[208] It's the worst one, yes.

[209] Yes.

[210] He did eventually get out through drug court and helped establish a drug rehabilitation a drug rehabilitation program that I'm sorry I'm high on drugs that is still going on today because he recovered and never committed a crime again he got an official pardon from the governor of Puerto Rico my grandfather died in 1995 due to liver cancer from his drug addict days yeah I was chew and he died so I don't remember that much about him so imagine my surprise when my mom revealed this to me while leaving a fucking Pilates class I absolutely love the podcast and think y 'all are hilarious.

[211] It's good to know I'm not the only person who finds murder interesting.

[212] S -S -D -G -M -D -Norra.

[213] DeNora, that was really good.

[214] God, that's sad.

[215] And then, like, there's redemption.

[216] Yeah, you're up, you're down.

[217] But that's that fucking thing about, like, you know, shooting.

[218] The 70s?

[219] Guns are bad and they kill innocent people.

[220] That's right.

[221] And that sucks.

[222] Okay.

[223] This one is simply entitled Weird Milk Boy.

[224] I'm on board.

[225] I'm here for this.

[226] Lighthearted.

[227] Hi, MFM crew.

[228] Once upon a night of chilling at my apartment after work, I heard a knock at my door.

[229] It was around 10 .30 p .m. and I wasn't expecting anyone.

[230] I was too much of a couch potato at that point that I just stayed sitting and thought, they'll go away.

[231] After a few seconds, I heard another knock.

[232] This time it was louder.

[233] Internally grunting, I went to the door and looked through the people, vaguely recognizing this guy.

[234] I knew he had lived in the same apartment complex because we had once had a fire alarm, off at 3 a .m. and had walked down the hallway together.

[235] We probably exchanged a total five words, though, and I didn't know his name or anything.

[236] I, for some reason, decided to open the door.

[237] No, no. He had an uncapped soda cup in his hand filled with water, and he asked me, can I have some milk?

[238] What?

[239] I replied with, uh, and he said, you can just fill half the cup.

[240] At this point, my heart was beating fast because, one, this is technically a complete stranger asking me for something weird, and two, it was someone late at night, and I'm a small female who lives alone.

[241] At this point, I started panicking, thinking, what if he tries to break into my apartment, or is he trying to scan my apartment so he can come attack me later?

[242] In any case, I grabbed the cup, close my door, stupidly didn't lock it, poured out the water, poured in some milk, opened the door, handed it back to him, then he smiled and walked away, and I never saw him again after that.

[243] I guess he just really needed some milk, and I was the lucky target.

[244] I told the story to my co -workers, who ended up lecturing me on never opening doors for strangers, which I obviously know now.

[245] They also taunted me for a while asking, hey, Mary, can I have some milk?

[246] I'm the one doing that voice.

[247] I thought it was exactly like that.

[248] I'm glad it ended the way it did, though.

[249] Mary.

[250] Oh, Mary, sweet innocent Mary.

[251] Stay sexy and don't give milk to strangers.

[252] Sorry, that was on the second page.

[253] Milk, Mary.

[254] I love that because, yeah, don't ever fucking open your door no matter who it is.

[255] I know, like, you think that's not a stranger because I've seen him before, but if you're girl, a woman alone in an apartment, you don't need to answer the door to even like a friend who's a dude if it's late at night and there's no reason for them to be there.

[256] No, not at all.

[257] You know?

[258] Yeah.

[259] And then if you think it's a situation where you're fine, definitely if you're going to grab the cup, lock the door behind you.

[260] But I feel like that's where the politeness, I get that because that's where the politeness comes in where you're like, I don't want to be ruined, lock the door.

[261] So you don't.

[262] But, you know, then we're fucked.

[263] So just don't even answer the door.

[264] Well, and also, there's a bit of a manipulation playing on that, like, neighborly, oh, can I just borrow a cup of sugar thing?

[265] Which is really weird and, like, no, whatever you need milk for, you can have it in the morning.

[266] Yeah, and who drinks milk anymore?

[267] What kind of, haven't you ever heard of lactate?

[268] Yeah, non -dairy, fucking everything.

[269] Okay.

[270] This one is called Grandpa interrupts a police helicopter chase.

[271] Hello, all.

[272] In the 80s, my grandparents, my mother, and her three siblings lived in a suburb of L .A. in a not -so -great area.

[273] My grandfather, a portly Syrian immigrant, who loves Scotch, was and is super paranoid about being murdered and was always rushing to the door to see what was going on with sirens and such.

[274] Sure.

[275] One summer evening, my mom and her siblings were swimming in their backyard pool when someone scales their fence and jumps into their backyard.

[276] It's a woman who is seriously high and twitchy and she stands there staring at them while they all tread water and wonder what the fuck to do.

[277] Oh, no. Then they hear sirens on the street and a fucking helicopter swoo over their neighborhood.

[278] Mom and her siblings run inside, soaking wet, and watch through the windows as the strange woman runs into the front yard.

[279] My mom says there are cops all over the street with guns drawn, and the trees around my house are literally whipping with the wind from the helicopter.

[280] It is at this point that my grandpa, in nothing but is very tight 1980s swim bottoms, walks into the front yard to see what's going on.

[281] He literally walked into a helicopter chase.

[282] My mom says that at least ten cops, all with their guns pointing at him, started screaming, sir, go inside.

[283] My grandpa, not one to be told what to do on his own property, remained on the lawn until the woman had been tackled.

[284] He's a taxpayer, God damn it.

[285] This is my lawn.

[286] I pay these property taxes.

[287] That's right.

[288] To this day, we ask him what exactly he thought he was going to accomplish by walking into guns drawn situation.

[289] And he always replies, God damn it, I had to see what was going on.

[290] Grandpa Scotch Stay sexy and don't interrupt helicopter chases, Liz God damn it I wanted to see what was going on in Send us your weird stories about your grandparents or helicopter chases Or Milk Milk stories Whatever it takes Whatever happens Tell us, we love it Can I have some milk My favorite murder at Gmail And stay sexy And don't get murdered Goodbye Elvis, you want a cookie See?