Every Mom's Dilemma: Navigating Meltdowns (From Child & Spouse)

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[26] So one of the most common formulations of an email that we get kind of goes like this.

[27] Hey, we have a child who doesn't listen, won't follow directions.

[28] Or sometimes it's, well, I've got a child and you've got just these big meltdowns when things don't go their way.

[29] Or another common one is, what do we do with this relentless arguer who pushes our buttons all the time?

[30] Now, some of you, probably most of you, have a child who fits all of those categories.

[31] Doesn't listen, melts down, relentless arguer, pushes buttons, all of those things.

[32] So you kind of get this.

[33] And then the parent usually goes on and says, we can't figure out how to stop these behaviors.

[34] right we've tried consequences it just won't work and then there's a slight little pivot well you know my husband sometimes listens to your podcast but in the moment his anger takes over and he blows up at our child when he doesn't listen or when our child argues and then everything gets escalates so how can we fix our child's behavior so on today's episode of the calm parenting podcast i want to answer that question and it's going to be in a little bit of a pointed manner So I hope you can take that.

[35] So welcome, this is Kirk Barton, Founder Celebrate Calm .com .com.

[36] You can find us.

[37] I just mentioned that, celebratecalcum .com, right?

[38] And so I've been so excited to do this podcast because I think it's very important to do it.

[39] And it'll give you a different way of looking at this situation.

[40] And if you do need help with anything, reach out to our son Casey because he had big meltdowns.

[41] So one of the things I couldn't figure out when he was little was like, why are little things?

[42] throwing him off so much.

[43] Right.

[44] In my mind, it was always like, what's like, why, why is this such a big deal?

[45] Why do you have to overreact every?

[46] Can you hear that?

[47] Why do you, son, have to overreact everything?

[48] It's not like I ever did.

[49] Right.

[50] And he would argue relentlessly and chase after us and he wouldn't stop.

[51] And he needed everything to be just so, right?

[52] That high sense of justice.

[53] He would definitely not listening, right, and following directions.

[54] And I can remember thinking and sometimes to my shame saying, like, how are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions?

[55] Remember all those things.

[56] That was our son Casey.

[57] And so when you reach out to us, and it's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at CelebrateCallum .com, that's the kid that you're reaching out to.

[58] Only now he's a young man and he's an awesome young man. And your kids are probably going to be like that too.

[59] I say probably because I don't want to like if you keep doing it right like look this is serious.

[60] I try to, you know, I try to make some of these things lighthearted.

[61] But here's the truth.

[62] If you do not change and you continue down this path of not really accepting your child as he or she is and not learning how to communicate in different ways and not learning how to control your emotions, there will be ongoing anger.

[63] And these kids will grow up and they will have issues.

[64] It is serious.

[65] I try to joke.

[66] I try to make it lighthearted.

[67] I don't want you to make you feel like a bad parent.

[68] I want to normalize things.

[69] So many of these things are normal.

[70] I don't want you to feel guilty as a parent because you have a strong -willed child.

[71] What I do want is for all of us to own our own behavior and own our stuff.

[72] So it's a long way of saying, Casey gets it.

[73] He was this kid and he knows what's like to have a parent who overreacts because he had me as his father until I changed.

[74] So if you need something to reach out and we'll help you out tell us about your family.

[75] We take this seriously.

[76] We wrestle with these emails.

[77] We talk to each other.

[78] We bounce back and forth over email and try to figure these things out and we answer you personally and usually pretty quickly.

[79] So here are the two answers I want to give, right?

[80] So let me do very quickly the practical stuff first.

[81] Because when you go through our programs, the Calm Parenting Package or Get Everything Package, you'll hear me talking about giving kids tools to succeed rather than just giving them consequences for failure.

[82] So think of tools.

[83] So one, very quickly, to get kids to listen.

[84] Look, I can make things a challenge.

[85] I can ask them to do it in a weird way, in a hard way, in a more difficult way.

[86] I can give them ownership over how they do it.

[87] might not be the way that I want it done, but as long as we accomplish the same objective and task, I don't care how you do it.

[88] Do it in a weird way.

[89] I might use music to stimulate the brain.

[90] That's a great thing for homework, getting tours done, using music, getting your kids up and morning to music is actually really helpful.

[91] I'll use visuals to help kids remember tasks.

[92] There's a lot of research on that, that a lot of kids can remember images in their brain more than they remember words, especially kids who get words jumbled in their brains, especially a lot of kids who have different learning styles.

[93] I'll give context first.

[94] Or, look, I can go hardcore.

[95] I'm fine with tough discipline.

[96] As long as you're in control of yourself, as long as you don't make it personal and whine or complain, I'm fine with saying, look, I refuse to do anything for you until you do what I ask.

[97] I'm fine with that.

[98] All those things are different tools.

[99] But I want you to have a lot of tools in your toolbox.

[100] not just like, well, I told him what to do and he didn't do to it, so I'm not going to get angry and I'm going to take away everything he owns.

[101] Well, that's maybe one tool, and it sounds like you're probably not doing that one in a really helpful way.

[102] For the childhood melts down, remember, we use movement a lot to calm kids down.

[103] Motion changes emotion.

[104] We use movement rather than words because a lot of words tend to frustrate and anger kids when they're upset.

[105] I love giving kids a very physical activity to do because it helps them work through their frustration.

[106] So anything they do, pushing, pulling, climbing, shoveling mulch, doing push -ups, whatever it is, have that obstacle course in the backyard to go through, climb under, climb over.

[107] It is really, really helpful.

[108] You can lead them into an activity that meets their sensory needs.

[109] Remember, we normalize things.

[110] We normalize and validate what they're feeling, not validating what they do.

[111] Like, oh, you know, it's perfectly normal for you to punch a hole in the wall and hit your sister.

[112] No, I'm not validating.

[113] that.

[114] Just saying it's normal for you to get frustrated when things don't go your way.

[115] And I give them intensity because that often kids calms kids down.

[116] Those are tools.

[117] Okay.

[118] And I want you to focus on giving your kids tools.

[119] But here's what I really wanted to ask in this situation of the parent.

[120] And it will sound a little pointed.

[121] And I don't want it to be accusatory.

[122] I don't do guilt or blame.

[123] but I really, really want this to sink in.

[124] And I do know it is really hard raising a strong will child.

[125] So here's my question to all of us.

[126] I'll make it personal.

[127] It's a question to you.

[128] Why is the subject line always kid who won't listen, relentless arguer?

[129] Instead of the subject line being grown man who can't control himself or a dad who blows up regularly because that is the real issue.

[130] here.

[131] Not just picking on men.

[132] In this case, that was it.

[133] Could be mom who does X, mom who can't stop lecturing, mom who loses her cool.

[134] Why isn't that, why is that not the subject of the email, right?

[135] And why is the first line and the subject of the email about getting a kid to stop melting down or arguing when the real issue is that the grown man or the grown woman, the adult, the authority figure.

[136] And in many of your traditional families, the head of the home, cannot somehow control his own behavior and emotions when a kid is irritating.

[137] Because let's just establish this.

[138] All human beings are irritating.

[139] I'm irritating, you're irritating.

[140] We spend enough time together, we're going to find each other irritating.

[141] That's the way life works.

[142] And if you're not up for that, then don't have relationships with other human beings.

[143] Because everybody's irritating and your kids are going to be irritating.

[144] And one of the things I'm really passionate about is relieving the guilt from you, right?

[145] And these false expectations that moms and dads carry are like, well, if we just did it the right way, our child would always listen because you have some of those annoying friends whose kids are supposedly perfect, right?

[146] They're not.

[147] Those kids are weird to me. I like the kids.

[148] I like the kids who push the boundaries, who have ideas, who have creativity, who aren't afraid and who have the courage to do things in different ways.

[149] Look, we tell our kids all the time, like, well, don't just be a follower, but we don't really mean that, right?

[150] And I'm not talking about letting kids do whatever they want.

[151] I'm not talking about that at all.

[152] But kids are irritating.

[153] And so you're just going to have to deal with that.

[154] That's life.

[155] And so my questions in this, they're rhetorical, because I do know why the subject line isn't husband who can't control himself.

[156] Because it's much easier and much more comfortable and palatable to try to somehow fix the kid than to address a husband's immaturity.

[157] Please don't get, please don't get offended by that.

[158] Look, I was an immature 37 -year -old man who was successful in my corporate career, but I was immature when it came to relationships.

[159] There's no judgment in that.

[160] That's just truth.

[161] And you know what?

[162] Here's the compassionate part.

[163] Because your dad didn't teach you most likely how to handle mature relationships.

[164] Nobody teaches us that.

[165] Look, I'm a guy.

[166] That was not something I learned growing up.

[167] I learned how to hit a jump shot.

[168] I can change the oil in the car.

[169] I can work really hard.

[170] I can do all those things.

[171] Nobody trained me how to be mature in relationships, have an emotional connection, all those things, right?

[172] So it's easier to fix the kid than actually address the fact that your husband, or just make it egalitarian, or your wife has a lack of self -control because that's something that has taken decades to set in place.

[173] It started in childhood and it has not changed, and that's why we're all about changing generational patterns.

[174] Because until you change, that generational pattern, your kids will pick up on it.

[175] And guess what?

[176] They're going to struggle with the same thing that you did.

[177] This is really important stuff.

[178] And I know this because you're basically describing me when Casey was young.

[179] I did all these things that I talked to you about in the podcast and in the programs.

[180] I did them all wrong.

[181] Right.

[182] And so there's also another uncomfortable truth here.

[183] As I get older, I'm trying to address more of these.

[184] Many and most of the moms and wives of strong will kids are caught squarely in the middle of this dilemma.

[185] They're caught between protecting their child, standing up for their child, and undermining the authority of their husband.

[186] And they have to choose.

[187] Watch what happens.

[188] They're afraid of their own husband's reaction.

[189] If they were to bring this up the way that I just did.

[190] And so rather than risk the ire and the dismissiveness of their husband and the grunting and the groaning of like because I used to do the same thing, it's a form of intimidation because I don't want you to bring this up so I'll make it so uncomfortable for you that you stop bringing it up.

[191] And instead what happens is now mom ends up having to tiptoe around in between the child and the husband and tries to fix the child gently because I'd rather try to manage everybody's emotions here than directly talk to this man that I married and say, we have an issue here.

[192] And the issue is not just your child's issue, our child's issue.

[193] The issue is you can't control yourself.

[194] And your child has learned that from you.

[195] and tiptoeing around and managing everybody's emotions will take its toll.

[196] It will.

[197] Look, here's another pointed question.

[198] How is this really going to work out if you can't even have an honest conversation with your husband or your wife about a real issue that will tear your marriage apart over time?

[199] And it will tear your family apart.

[200] I know it's easier in the moment to try to put it off.

[201] somehow be the peacemaker or bury your resentments because many of you do that you know it's too uncomfortable not going to do it i'll just bury their resentments we'll try to muddle through i'll manage everybody's expectations one day when the kids are gone i'll try to protect them they're gone and then i'm out of here that is no way to live and it's not the marriage or relationship you wanted and i want to give you some confidence as i get older give some confidence say fight for it fight for what you want i'm not saying go and fight your spouse i'm saying fight for the relationship that you want.

[202] Don't give up on this, right?

[203] This is not the relationship you wanted.

[204] It is not the relationship you want to model for your kids.

[205] And in the end, it simply won't work.

[206] You think maybe you can manage it, and you can for a little while, but in the end, it will not work.

[207] It won't.

[208] And that's why I encourage people, if you get the get everything package, it includes our marriage program.

[209] And that marriage program, I will tell you, look, we sell for the price of a trip to a therapist.

[210] But you get actual relationship tools, marriage tools that men and women can do from your home that are practical in small steps.

[211] Because what I know about men is if you come home, you're like, we need to have a talk about our marriage.

[212] You're like, nope, I'm out.

[213] We need to change our entire parenting style.

[214] I'm out.

[215] Right?

[216] But if you come home and you say, hey, I've got an idea.

[217] One little practical thing we could do together that I think would make a difference.

[218] See, I can handle specific missions, especially as a guy.

[219] Give me a specific mission in that moment, specific circumstance.

[220] I can try that.

[221] But if we need to fix our marriage, way too big for me. I compare to two simple things.

[222] That's too big.

[223] So the true answer to this question, if I were counseling you personally, if you now dare to do a phone consultation, I'm not going to be that mean on a phone consultation.

[224] But what I will say is, I don't really care if your son doesn't follow directions.

[225] I don't really care if your daughter argues.

[226] So what?

[227] It's a seven -year -old kid.

[228] It's an 11 -year -old kid.

[229] It's an 11 -year -old kid.

[230] What do you think they're supposed to do?

[231] Right?

[232] See, normalize this.

[233] Kids are, right, I go back to this, but it's that common question.

[234] Like, our child snuck his iPad into his bed at night so we could watch movies and be on the internet.

[235] What are we going to do?

[236] And I was like, well, one, it's a pretty normal thing for a kid to do.

[237] Now, there are going to be consequences for it, and we do all kinds of stuff for that.

[238] But don't act all outraged.

[239] Look, if you were a kid and you had access to all the world's information, movies, visuals, all this cool stuff on this little screen, and you can sneak it into your bed, you would have done that as a kid also.

[240] Wouldn't you?

[241] And if you didn't, then you were boring.

[242] I'm kidding.

[243] But it's normal, right?

[244] So I don't get freaked out, right?

[245] your daughter or that teenager who argues.

[246] Of course they're doing that.

[247] She's an immature teenager who wants what she wants in the moment.

[248] Look, saying no, isn't that hard?

[249] Refusing to engage and enter the courtroom isn't that hard?

[250] That's your issue.

[251] Because you keep biting and reacting and then blaming it on the child.

[252] But we try to influence people all day in our jobs in real life.

[253] We use different communication strategies.

[254] We find out what works with the waiter and what works with your coworker or employee or your relatives or your mother -in -law or your dad you figure that out but with our kids we just get frustrated and want to fix them so why would this look here's a practical thing why would this be so hard to do next time that relentless arguer child next time just smile stop reacting you're making a big deal out of everything just smile and recognition of how hard your child is using her brain to get her way because that's what she's doing The kids who push buttons are tinkering with your brain.

[255] They're usually really good at tinkering with Legos and fixing stuff and seeing how things work.

[256] It's the same process.

[257] So what if you said something like this?

[258] You know, I just realized how hard you work to get what you want.

[259] You're really strategic.

[260] Such a good thinker.

[261] And you've got valid points, smart points.

[262] But here's what I want you to know.

[263] See, arguing with me will get you.

[264] the exact opposite of what you really want.

[265] We call it the opposites rule.

[266] It's a really cool thing.

[267] Look, it's short and sweet.

[268] You argue with me over something.

[269] You get actually the exact opposite of what you really want.

[270] So I'm just not going to respond to it.

[271] Now, if you want a problem solve, if you want to come up with a solution we can both agree on, oh, I'm game for that.

[272] I do like your ability to process, to strategize.

[273] I'd just rather do something constructive with it.

[274] I just take all the energy out of it, right?

[275] Maybe just smile and say, hey, I'm curious because I'm hearing all these words and I see you getting upset that you're wanting this so badly and you have all these different arguments and get twisted up in your brain and it's really kind of fascinating but I'm just curious why does this matter so much to you right help me understand that and then maybe I can help you understand a better way to get what you want without badgering arguing manipulating right that's probably solving.

[276] So whether this is for Father's Day or just for the summer or just for your life, I think the real answer to the question, and I'm going to make it about men, is for helping to dig deep, to determine exactly, let's make it moms and dads.

[277] Why does your child strong will?

[278] Why does your daughter's arguing?

[279] Why does whatever your child is doing, why does that bother you so much?

[280] Right?

[281] I get it.

[282] It could be any of these things.

[283] Well, it's irritating.

[284] I don't want to deal with it.

[285] My child should just do what I tell her to do, right?

[286] One day, what if my child doesn't take instructions well from a boss?

[287] How are they going to ever keep a job and then they're going to fail in life and I'm going to feel like a failure, right?

[288] That's normal, normal anxiety.

[289] I don't want to give in to it, but that's normal.

[290] Well, when my child does that, it makes me feel like I don't discipline him or her enough, right?

[291] And then I question like, what do we do wrong?

[292] And I get judged by my parents.

[293] All those things go through your brain and you need to work on that.

[294] Figure out what what is that trigger and then how do you deal with your own trigger right instead of changing the child here's what i used to say by my own behavior if everyone would just do exactly what i wanted them to do and believe the way i want them to believe i'm an amazing man i'm an amazing guy if everybody just does things my way i'm awesome i'm just not good when other people do things to trigger me well then the issue is your own trigger, right?

[295] That's your issue to own, not to put on a kid, because that's what we're doing, right?

[296] Here's a pointed question.

[297] How can your child ever learn to control his or her impulses and emotions when her grown father or mother, that man or woman who wants to be respected cannot control his own impulses and ends up blowing up, right?

[298] This is, again, I'm not trying to be mean, judgmental, I'm not a sign of guilt, but I did want to clarify what's really going on here because that's the only way to change your family life now for men if your husband's willing to work through our programs i just say three of them just listen to three there's a dad's program and i go through all of this specifically very short and sweet the way guys like it 30 days to calm what will that teach you how to deal with your triggers in a different way so you don't keep getting triggered.

[299] And the third program, this is only three programs for the guys, buy the whole package and say, Dad, Hubby, just see three.

[300] I'm going to listen to all 13 of them.

[301] You start with three.

[302] Enjoy your strong will child because you have to understand how your child's brain works and what's really going on where you will take everything as a sign of disrespect and it will blow things up all the time.

[303] For the dads out there, look, if you work through our programs, I personally email me. I will work.

[304] through everything with you to break the negative cycle.

[305] Because in the end, this has nothing to do right now with your child.

[306] It's got everything to do with us as the adults.

[307] And that's the way it always works.

[308] So if you need some help, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[309] Tell us about your family, we will help you.

[310] If you need help financially getting our programs, reach out to Casey.

[311] We'll help you out.

[312] Or just go to the website, celebratecom.

[313] I'll get to get everything package.

[314] Why?

[315] Because it's everything we've ever created.

[316] It's very practical.

[317] change your family.

[318] Thank you for listening.

[319] Thanks for letting me be tough on you.

[320] And I hope you find this to be very, very affirming in some ways, challenging in other ways, but also practical.

[321] And if this helps, please share this with our other parents.

[322] Thanks so much.

[323] Love you all.

[324] Bye -bye.