Deon Cole

[0] My name is Dionne Cole.

[1] Wonderful every time that I'm with Conan O 'Brien.

[2] Oh, that's so nice.

[3] Fingerbell, brand of shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, a podcast where I pretty much scam people I know into talking to me. but I think the good thing is it's people that I know and really admire and this is a great opportunity to speak to them and so I think it's a good scam as scams go this is a pretty good scam and I'm really enjoying it I'm joined by my assistant I was going to say trusty assistant but I'll just say assistant son of sessium I'm not trusty what do you think I think calling me just assistant is probably accurate probably the way to go also we got Matt Goreley here joining us Matt how are you Good.

[6] I like your little scam.

[7] It's a victimless crime.

[8] I do think it's a victimless crime.

[9] That's the nicest thing anyone could say about this podcast is that it's a victimless crime.

[10] Yeah, that was the best.

[11] There's definitely a crime being committed here.

[12] There's definitely something that's not on the up and up that's happening.

[13] But I don't see who gets hurt.

[14] Well, Sona and I do, but I mean for the guest.

[15] Oh, you don't get hurt.

[16] You give as good as you get.

[17] You are quite adept.

[18] Oh, and by the way, Sona and I were preparing to do today's podcast.

[19] and we were wearing our masks and sitting out on the sidewalk at a place where you can order a head for the food and then they bring it out and they set it on the table in little boxes and you can eat the food.

[20] We're sitting there and this guy walks by, it's true story, this just happened about an hour and a half ago.

[21] This guy walks by and he's wearing headphones and he's wearing a mask and he stops in his tracks and he looks at us and he does this double take and then he takes off the headphones and says, I'm listening to your podcast right now.

[22] So he was listening to this podcast and he was listening to Sona and I bicker when he walks by and Sona and I are at the table bickering over who took, you know, I took too much of the hummus and you got some of the tahini on my, you know, on the floor.

[23] And so he was like, what?

[24] What?

[25] And I said this, I said, we've been looking for you.

[26] We try to track.

[27] I said we track people who've been listening to the podcast and I held up my phone.

[28] We track people who've been listening to the podcast and we tried to create a 3D experience.

[29] Like Pokemon Go.

[30] I can't believe he didn't scream Katakai as God made her.

[31] He should have said that.

[32] No one's done that yet.

[33] I don't know where he is in the podcast lineup.

[34] He may have fallen behind.

[35] Then he's chatting with us.

[36] Again, I want to stress, wearing a mask, safe distance, very nice guy.

[37] He got over his total freak out.

[38] And what does it turn out?

[39] you can do the reveal of what he does.

[40] What do you mean?

[41] What his profession is?

[42] What he does.

[43] Oh, he's a comedy writer.

[44] And he teaches, he teaches comedy writing at Emerson College down the street.

[45] Do you have his name?

[46] Ed Lee.

[47] Yes, Ed Lee.

[48] And he said he knows you, Matt Lee.

[49] Oh, I know Ed Lee.

[50] Yes.

[51] Yes.

[52] This is how the people say it's a big, no one's ever said it's a small world.

[53] They always say it's a really big world.

[54] I want to for the first time point out that maybe, maybe it's kind of a small world after all.

[55] Oh.

[56] Because this guy, he said, yeah, I teach him.

[57] at Emerson, I teach comedy writing, and then he said, I also know Matt Gorley.

[58] And I said, how do you know Matt Gorley?

[59] And he said, he was my neighbor.

[60] And that's where I got intrigued because I thought, this could go any way.

[61] I mean, what if he says he said that you were, I said, oh, yeah, he's a nice guy.

[62] Oh, he's a very nice guy.

[63] I just gave you nice guy.

[64] He said you were a very nice guy.

[65] But he could have revealed something monstrous about you.

[66] Do you know what I mean?

[67] In that moment, you're, it was a chance.

[68] It was an opportunity to find out, I don't know what he's up to in his backyard, but it sure is weird.

[69] I think we just lived in the same neighborhood, because I would only run into him at the village bakery and Atwater Village when I used to live there.

[70] That's nice.

[71] It is a small world.

[72] Can you imagine what it's like, because anyone right now who's listening to the podcast at this moment, if you're walking along or jogging or driving your car and you're stopped at a light and you look out and you're hearing Sona and Gorley and I bicker and then you look out the window and we're there?

[73] That's got to be crazy.

[74] Wouldn't that give you a sense that there is some sort of force in the universe?

[75] This can't be a coincidence.

[76] I know.

[77] I totally buy that.

[78] I'm really into that stuff a lot.

[79] What does that mean?

[80] You're superstitious?

[81] I'm not superstitious.

[82] I think that there's like a connection with a lot of people.

[83] There's too many coincidences.

[84] There's, you know, maybe, you know, I don't think there are too many coincidences.

[85] I think there are an appropriate number of coincidences.

[86] Okay.

[87] It's a random, constantly expanding universe.

[88] No, you're just saying that because you want to disagree with me. I think there's a lot in the world and it's nuts.

[89] Like, you know, my husband and I are both Armenian and we were like, how is it that we never knew anybody in common?

[90] And then I was going through his old pictures and I found a picture of him in a group and my sister -in -law is in that picture with him.

[91] And it was just like this random coincidence.

[92] Wait, so if another, if an Armenian person in Los Angeles meets another Armenian person, it's hard for them to understand how we didn't meet before.

[93] Yes.

[94] Or how we don't have a lot of people.

[95] It's a very close net community.

[96] Yes.

[97] Yeah.

[98] I'm always amazed when people come up to me and go, oh, do you know Jimmy so and so?

[99] And I'll be like, Jimmy Fitzgerald.

[100] And I'll go like, no. Are you sure?

[101] He's Irish.

[102] Oh.

[103] And I'll think, well, I think like a hundred million of us came over on one boat.

[104] It was a big tippy sinking boat And we got off and we all grabbed hockey sticks I started smashing everything around As I'm going, Rhaar!

[105] So I'm shocked that anyone thinks I know all Irish people.

[106] There's too many of you.

[107] It's just a lot of us.

[108] We're a hot mess.

[109] There's a lot of you.

[110] And there's, you know, because you guys reproduce a lot.

[111] Yeah, I routinely, I knew other families that had nine kids.

[112] I knew families that had 10 kids.

[113] That's a lot.

[114] It's a lot.

[115] And you know what I've noticed Like towards the end They don't even give them names Like it's Tommy It is It's really is like there's there's Tommy And there's Sean And like the first couple There's they have names And at the end there's just They don't even give them names Yeah They just have just like you And then over you are you And if you look it up on the birth certificate It says instead of where the name is It says another one It says another one And then the last name That's a true story That really happens said the liar.

[116] I just think about, this is inappropriate.

[117] But when I hear 10 kids, I'm just like, what's that vagina like?

[118] Right?

[119] You have to go.

[120] I'm sorry.

[121] You have to go.

[122] What do you, what the, it's just, what is that vagina like?

[123] I'll tell you, productive.

[124] This is, what are you talking about?

[125] Productive.

[126] What are you talking about?

[127] After 10 kids, after one, there's a lot that happens down there.

[128] 10?

[129] yeah what do you even barely push and it just comes out like does it ever contract again can you even do it what do you mean can you do it do what it's just so it's just such a traumatized vagina i don't know what do you mean can you do it explain what you mean by do it can you have intercourse after like how does that work well there's i regret this we should get started i regret bringing this up We have to address this now.

[130] No, come on.

[131] We don't have to.

[132] We do.

[133] Now, after each baby, the vagina heals back to its original condition.

[134] Original condition?

[135] Is it, though?

[136] Which one of us knows more about vaginas?

[137] Okay, do you really want to go toe to toe with me about vaginas?

[138] I'm sorry, both of you stop, please.

[139] If anyone knows about vaginas, it's Conan O 'Brien.

[140] If you ask anybody, in the Los Angeles or Boston area, anything about a vagina, they'll say, well, I don't really know.

[141] Hey, you should go ask Cooner O 'Brien.

[142] Why, he's the vagina man. It snaps back to its original condition.

[143] It heals completely.

[144] By the time you get to 10, 11, 12, kids are tumbling out at three months and they have to make it on their own.

[145] They come out, they fall out, like luggage, like luggage out out of an overhead compartment.

[146] during turbulence.

[147] The children just go tumbling, they go tumbling out, and they're fully dressed in tweed suits.

[148] And they're carrying briefcases.

[149] They're that fully formed.

[150] Emerging listeners.

[151] Oh, my God, I know.

[152] No, no, no, no. No one's left.

[153] If you don't want to talk to your children or you feel awkward talking to your children about these things, they should listen to the podcast.

[154] This is a good source of information.

[155] It's educational.

[156] Yes.

[157] Viginas snap back to the original condition.

[158] Then, of course, for the 9th and 10th, there are overhead compartments that have popped open in flight.

[159] Children fall out in several months, like luggage, dressed in tweed suits, and holding briefcases that are filled strangely with legal matters.

[160] That's it.

[161] I think we've got to get started on the show.

[162] Yes, please.

[163] I blame you, Sona.

[164] You can't act like you didn't do this.

[165] You did this.

[166] You know what?

[167] You're right, and I apologize.

[168] I'm really sorry I brought up the vagina.

[169] But it is something I think about after 10 kids.

[170] What is that vagina like?

[171] Not something I think about.

[172] I think how would the children be cared for?

[173] Well, there will be enough resources for them to all go to college?

[174] Yeah.

[175] I hope the spacing is enough so that each kid feels individualized.

[176] My mind does not go to the old Vajaroo, which is what I call it.

[177] You're so clinical.

[178] What do you call it?

[179] I call it the old Vajeroo.

[180] Oh, God.

[181] Just ended.

[182] Oh, no. I'd like it formally handed my notice.

[183] Your resignation?

[184] Okay, all right.

[185] You're handing me. me your resignation as I'm handing you mine as soon as handing in hers.

[186] All our resignations are smashing into each other in the middle of the room.

[187] The Mexican standoff of reservations.

[188] Just crashing into each other.

[189] It was Badgeroo that did it.

[190] The old badgeroo!

[191] Goodbye.

[192] Hey, what's the name of that company?

[193] I love plugging.

[194] Magoosh.

[195] Magoosh!

[196] Magoosh!

[197] I forget what Magoosh does, but Magoosh should be a product that's used when you're having trouble down there if you're a lady.

[198] So I could do that at it.

[199] I could be like, if you're having trouble down there, ladies, just use magoosh.

[200] It's the right thing for the old Vajaroo.

[201] I'm firing a flare into the night sky and declaring that it's all over.

[202] Hey, it can't be over because our guest today is just too damn good.

[203] My guest today is a hilarious comedian, writer and actor.

[204] You know from such shows is Blackish, Angie Tribeca, and Gronish.

[205] He was also a terrific writer and performer on my show for five years.

[206] I'm very excited to talk to him today.

[207] Dion Cole.

[208] Welcome Dion.

[209] You didn't actually say you were my friend.

[210] You just say, in the moments you're around me, you feel wonderful.

[211] When I'm around, Conan O 'Brien.

[212] When I'm around him.

[213] So the minute you don't see me, you forget about me, right?

[214] Is that what you're saying?

[215] The minute you leave me, all thought of me goes away completely.

[216] I have to have my fat Irish head right in front of your face.

[217] in order for you to feel anything about me, right?

[218] Like if you, if I died, if I died, you would come to my, you would come to my wake and the cask you'd be open and you'd be looking at me crying and saying, I'm so sad about Conan, and then they would shut the lid and you'd say, let's get the fuck out of here.

[219] I'll be saying very lightly to myself when I'm around, Conan O 'Brien.

[220] You know what, I want you to give my eulogy.

[221] Whenever I was around coming, I didn't dislike him.

[222] I didn't hate him.

[223] But then the minute I walked away, I thought of what a shithead he was.

[224] Ladies and gentlemen, we only want around stories today.

[225] Yeah, yeah.

[226] Today are just going to be around stories.

[227] Well, let's talk about that.

[228] I met you.

[229] What year did I meet you?

[230] Would it have been like 2009, I think?

[231] I think it was like 2009 is when I was doing the Tonight Show.

[232] And you came on and you did a great stand -up set that was really hilarious.

[233] Yeah, after I was done, you came to the green room, and we talked about if I got a good parking space or not.

[234] That's all, you know, that's all you ever.

[235] Some say my problem at the Tonight Show, if there was, then maybe my fatal flaw was I only worried about the parking spaces.

[236] And I really got into it.

[237] And I was great at parking spaces.

[238] And you would say, hey, Conan, what's your monologue going to be today?

[239] What comedy do you have, ready?

[240] Would he ask the guests?

[241] I'd be like, guys, we'll get to that.

[242] We'll get to that.

[243] I need to know if Sean Hayes has a good parking spot.

[244] Does Dionne Cole have a good parking spot?

[245] Where is it?

[246] Where is it?

[247] Is it near?

[248] No, no, no, no. That's too far.

[249] He's got to walk.

[250] That's not good.

[251] No, you told me I did it.

[252] You told me I did a fantastic job.

[253] And then you went right into D. Did you find a good place to park?

[254] And I just was like, yeah, I said that parking lot is crazy.

[255] And we started talking about the parking lot for a minute.

[256] And, yeah, that was, you know.

[257] Well, I remember we had a really good, you were really funny, and then we had a great talk.

[258] And then we hired you.

[259] I hired you to be a writer on the show.

[260] And you were not sure when you got there.

[261] You weren't sure, right?

[262] You had some worries about writing for me. I did, because first of all, I was a stand -up comic and the number one issue at the time, which is crazy as shit, but I had to wake up at like seven in the morning when I was used to go on.

[263] I was used to get it.

[264] I liked it in this era of everyone being hypersensitive.

[265] People were so sensitive about race and about, you know, cultural.

[266] How do we get together?

[267] And you're like, no, no, no, it wasn't that.

[268] I didn't want to get up at seven.

[269] I was going to bed at seven as a stand -up.

[270] Right, right.

[271] Like six o 'clock, I was coming in and we'll do a comedy store, the Laugh Factory, and be out all night, go to bed about five, six in the morning.

[272] So to be up at seven to go to work, that was, like, different for me. Right.

[273] After the first week of me doing that, I was just like, man, I don't know about this, man. And then I wasn't able to really get no bits on and shit.

[274] So I was like, you know what, man, this ain't for me. And everybody was so great.

[275] Everybody was like, went to school for writing.

[276] Everybody was just amazing and it was intimidating.

[277] I just was like, nah, I was like, and on top of that, another thing, too, I had just won this contest at this thing called NACA.

[278] And NACA is where you perform in front of each individual, you perform in front of a representative from thousands of schools.

[279] Right.

[280] And if they like you, then they hire you to come.

[281] And I had just wanted where I had like probably about 300 schools that wanted to pay me like $3 ,000 to come perform.

[282] So I had that lined up.

[283] So I was like, man, I don't know if I really want to stay here and write and wake up at 7 o 'clock.

[284] So what changed your mind?

[285] What made you think, I'm going to stick this out.

[286] I'm going to give it a little bit of try.

[287] What happened was the first thing that happened was you had two.

[288] people, two black people that was working their name, Chris Hayes and Erica, I think Brown.

[289] Erica Brown, yeah.

[290] Erica came in my office and I was like, yo, I'm gonna quit.

[291] I was like, yeah, because I'm not, I'm not fitting in at all or whatever.

[292] And Erica came in my office like, here's your business cars and when black people say something kind of racist, they look over both shoulders before they say it.

[293] So she was like.

[294] That's you looking over both shoulders.

[295] That's just Erica.

[296] Erica.

[297] Yeah, yeah.

[298] She said, we really need you in that writer's room.

[299] There ain't no black people over there.

[300] Please, you're doing, just go over there and just be you, be great.

[301] And I was like, I was like, motherfucker, I ain't staying.

[302] Like, I didn't say that to her, but in my mind, I'm like, don't put that black shit on me. I'm leaving or whatever.

[303] Right, right.

[304] And Chris Hayes came in there, not even knowing.

[305] He was like, yeah, I want to set your computer up.

[306] And then he looked, now, he looked over his shoulder to him.

[307] He looked over his shoulder too.

[308] I'm not even, bullshit and I'm not even making this up.

[309] He was like, because my door was open.

[310] He was like, dude, you're the only black right over there.

[311] You got to represent us.

[312] And I said, dude, that thank you, man. But in my mind, I was going, I know I ain't staying.

[313] I know I'm not.

[314] And then I was just thinking about them after that.

[315] And I was just like, man, if I leave, they're going to be like, he gave up.

[316] He didn't want to stick this out or whatever.

[317] And then I was like, I might stay around.

[318] And then one of your writers came up to him.

[319] It's funny, though.

[320] But at the time, he was like this.

[321] Hey, man, how many times the 50 cent get shot?

[322] I was like, motherfucker, I don't know.

[323] Wait a minute.

[324] What do you mean you don't know?

[325] I did know, but I didn't want to be the black guy who knew.

[326] See, you do know.

[327] It was nine goddamn shots.

[328] But I didn't want to be the stereotypical black guy.

[329] Oh, my God.

[330] We just blew the lid off this whole race thing in America.

[331] You did know how many times 50 cent was shot.

[332] But he would cut in my office.

[333] No, wait, so this writer thought that this was funny and probably thought, we're all comedy writers, so it's cool if I say this because you'll understand that it's a joke?

[334] And it's fine, it's good, but it just became every week, every three days.

[335] He'd be like, hey, who sang this song?

[336] And he'll do some Marvin Gay lyrics and shit.

[337] Now I'd be like, Marvin Gaye.

[338] He'd be like, yeah, and then he'd just leave and shit.

[339] Then it'd say how many times was Marvin Gayshot?

[340] Twice, twice in the chest.

[341] Every question was followed up, because that's what I get.

[342] I get that one ever, people come up to me and it's about Irish people.

[343] They're like, so Robert Kennedy, did he, how close was he to becoming president?

[344] And I'm like, well, he might have, he would have, he might have gotten the nomination.

[345] I'm not sure if he could have beat Nixon.

[346] And how many times was he shot?

[347] And I have to go, I don't know.

[348] When I do know.

[349] It was once in the skull.

[350] Yes, but you can't say it.

[351] You can't be a stereotypical white guy knowing how many shots.

[352] I know, I know.

[353] Each race is responsible for knowing how many times someone in their race was shot who was famous.

[354] But anyway.

[355] No, but look, so, so, so I was like, yo, I'm out of here.

[356] I'm ready to leave.

[357] And so I told my manager, I'm leaving.

[358] Right.

[359] We met in the park a lot, and she said, Dion, please do not go.

[360] Give it one more week.

[361] She said, just do it for me. Give it one more week.

[362] And that's it.

[363] So I was like, all right, fine, cool.

[364] I said, ain't nothing right.

[365] It's funny.

[366] I was like, I just, I'm not fitting in.

[367] And so that next week, we was in the writer's room, and Sweeney was talking about doing a bit for Andy.

[368] or Octoberfest And I said What's October fest?

[369] And they all was like laughing and shit And then Sweeney and it was like It's a German drinking day And I simply was just like Because at this moment I'm really not giving the fuck Because I know I'm leaving Because before that I wasn't really talking a lot But this time I knew I was leaving So I was just letting how I really felt out Because I know I was going to go So I was just like drinking day I was like everybody got a motherfucking drink a day.

[370] I was like, Irish got St. Patty's Day.

[371] Hispanics got Cinco de Mayo and not Germans.

[372] Germans got October fast.

[373] I'm like, when are we going to get a black motherfucking drink a day?

[374] I remember this.

[375] And instantly, Sweeney was like, write that up.

[376] And I was like, like, what?

[377] He was like, write it up.

[378] And I was like, I don't even know how to write it up.

[379] But he was just like, I'm going to show you.

[380] And he showed me, came in my office, he sent me this template and I wrote it up and we gave it and we gave it to you to write to say or do a bit on and when you read it, you was like, nah, let him do it.

[381] Let Dion do it, yeah.

[382] Let Dion do it.

[383] And then that's when shit really got wild.

[384] I was like, what?

[385] And they was like, yeah, you come out and say it and do it.

[386] And I was like, okay.

[387] And shit, next thing I know, man, we did one more bit like that.

[388] Well, the next time we was talking about a hundred houses, and I said it, and they was talking about, no, I wrote this bit where I wanted you to go to Universal Studios, because I had went to a hundred house, and I got there too late.

[389] And when I was leaving, all the monsters was in the alley smoking cigarettes and drinking hyniches and shit with all their blood and axes and shit, and they were about just chilling.

[390] So the bit that I wrote was like, man, won't Conan go kick him?

[391] with the monsters the way they are.

[392] I was like, that'd be great.

[393] And then Swinney said that you was like, well, shit, tell Deion and go do it.

[394] And why do we have Deion do it?

[395] You know why?

[396] I wasn't being nice.

[397] I just didn't want to get up at 7 in the morning.

[398] No, but, you know, because I still got black in you.

[399] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[400] But I've seen, I've seen, the thing is, so many people, get in their heads that there's a way to write comedy.

[401] And this was in my head when I started writing comedy.

[402] I thought, I'm funny with my friends and I can make them laugh.

[403] But I can't sit down and write something that then I get paid for.

[404] I'm not a real comedy writer.

[405] And then what happens is you end up just being in a room and you say something to make the other writers laugh.

[406] And they all laugh.

[407] And they go, that's good.

[408] That's a good bit.

[409] Write it up.

[410] And you go, what?

[411] That's comedy writing?

[412] You were in a weird situation and you're the only black writer in the room and then you think, well, they know something I don't when the truth is you know is all you need to know, which is I know how to be funny.

[413] I know how to be funny.

[414] And then you started writing stuff and then you're on the show, I think you're on the show like once a week.

[415] It was crazy.

[416] Yeah, you know, like after that, after that haunted house bit that we did, TV guys.

[417] wrote this article and said the stars born.

[418] And when I saw that and it highlighted me, I was like kind of taking the back.

[419] I was like, yo, this is crazy.

[420] But then I started thinking, I was like, man, instead of me trying to write like them, if I just be myself and just say what's on my mind and what I think, I think it would be funny, especially with him trying to deal with it.

[421] Yep.

[422] So I think that's what I would have to do.

[423] Instead of me trying to write like these guys, Why don't I write like myself?

[424] And then we see what happens like that.

[425] So that's what started happening.

[426] It just started me being me. And just the more that I was me, the more that it worked.

[427] Well, what happened was really quickly, really quickly, I'd say.

[428] And we wanted to know more about this.

[429] So I asked my friend Dion, and I wouldn't even get to Cole.

[430] And the crowd would be like, oh, good.

[431] Dionne's coming.

[432] You know what I mean?

[433] And I think you had gotten to that point pretty quickly.

[434] and that's when I decided we got to stop this guy This is the fucking Conan show This isn't the Dion show And that's when I got all my white friends Together instead Now this is a Some of this is okay But this is going too fucking far Those are my laughs He's getting And we're going to start At 6 in the morning For now all Six in the morning for now.

[435] I don't like that, Dion.

[436] I like that, Diyah.

[437] Yeah.

[438] No, but, you know, so whatever, tonight's show.

[439] Everyone knows what happens there.

[440] That blows up, but you've established yourself at that point.

[441] And then I decide, I want to go on this crazy tour, because there was this period of time where I was not allowed to appear on television, and I said, screw it.

[442] I'm going to go out on the road and do a live show, and I want it to be a great show.

[443] I wanted to be a great show.

[444] an incredible live experience, and I was like, I had like a fever running.

[445] I wanted it to be so great.

[446] I wanted music.

[447] I wanted comedy, and that's when it came to you, and I said, would you come with me and be in the center of the show, you know, in the middle of the show, and you said, yes, and then you and I were on buses and planes, and we were all over the country together.

[448] That was another monumental moment in my career that made me. go, wow, I've never been on a private plane ever in my life.

[449] It wasn't my plane.

[450] You know, that's the funny thing.

[451] Everyone on the tour I thought that was my plane, but we actually had to get a private plane to make some of those dates.

[452] So we, you know, we rented it out, we paid it out for the from the tour money.

[453] But some of the people in the tour were like, Conan's got a nice plane.

[454] I'm like, this isn't my plane.

[455] Right.

[456] If I owned this plane, I would be broke in six weeks.

[457] If I owned a plane.

[458] No, I'm going to tell you a funny story.

[459] man. The first day of that tour when I got on that plane, I remember getting on the plane and I had like these, I had these white, like Gucci sunglasses on.

[460] I had this Gucci garment bag and I had a Gucci trolley and walked on the plane and you, Jeff and Andy, was sitting there and y 'all was like, hey, what's going on?

[461] I was like, hey, fellas.

[462] And you simply went, that's some nice luggage.

[463] And I was like, thanks.

[464] And then Jeff was like, that's yours?

[465] I said, no. I said, no, I borrow.

[466] I borrow you.

[467] And it was like, oh.

[468] They was like, take care of it.

[469] I was like, yeah.

[470] I was like, yeah, I'm going to take care of it.

[471] I was so embarrassed that I had that luggage on that plane because you all are multi -millionaire motherfuckers sitting there with like one trash bag.

[472] I had the shriest luggage.

[473] I had the shiniest luggage.

[474] And the shittiest luggage I've ever seen in my life just a little black bag Just a little...

[475] Now remember the bag I had on that It was a beat -up old bag That for some reason had the Canadian flag on it And I still have it And I think I used it a weekend ago And it's just I look like someone Who slept at the bus station And you come on with not just one Gucci bag But a matching set of Gucci And then sunglasses that match the luggage And I never saw anybody match their sunglasses to the luggage.

[476] I was so unfair.

[477] I remember the next time we went home, I took all that shit and put it up.

[478] Never took that set of luggage that I had.

[479] That's nice luggage.

[480] I went and got some other luggage that was way more diluted.

[481] You got some glad trash bags, just so you could fit in with the rest of us.

[482] Let me ask you a question because I want you to tell this story.

[483] I know you've told this, but I want to get this on the podcast because it's just one of the great stories, which is we start going, and the tours was very successful, and so we got to stay in nice hotels, and we got to travel, like, first class, all that was very nice.

[484] There was some kookiness on the bus every now and then, but for the most part, we were staying in really nice places, and you stayed up one night and partied hard with a couple of other people, and this thing, I just, I always thought this story was like, because we all heard about the story, and it was like, that's brilliant.

[485] Can you tell the story?

[486] You know what I'm talking about.

[487] Yeah, yeah.

[488] The mini bar.

[489] The mini bar.

[490] Yo, yes.

[491] We kicked it so hard after one of the shows.

[492] And I think we were going to the next city, the next day, the next morning.

[493] So we party.

[494] We closed this bar down.

[495] Left the bar, went to my room, opened up my mini bar, and drank everything in the mini bar.

[496] Woke up that morning and was like, yo, man, we drink this stuff.

[497] I looked at the bill on it and the bill was like insane.

[498] I was like, yo, I cannot pay that.

[499] I cannot pay that with my Gucci luggage.

[500] I was like, you could sell one shoulder bag and you could buy the hotel.

[501] I was like, I cannot afford this.

[502] So I was sitting there thinking I was like, man, but what's the difference between this liquor?

[503] in the regular looking stores.

[504] So I went, I got up, and I went to a whole bunch of liquor stores and bought a whole bunch of the little mini bottles.

[505] You went to store to store to find the matching bottles from the mini bar.

[506] Including like, yeah, and you didn't stop until you had exactly recreated the mini bar.

[507] Every one last one of those, including the M &Ms that was in that motherfucker.

[508] I replaced all that shit Yeah, but you, what you was smart was that four seasons M &Ms and we all know this because we've had that like a weak moment when we're in a hotel room We're like, screw it, I need to have the peanut M &Ms and then you later find out that they were $28 at the four seasons and so then you just, so you went and you went to like 7 -Eleven and got the same M &M.

[509] So I went to this liquor store I was closed and then they said there's another liquor store that's open.

[510] I went to that one, and then they only had half of the stuff.

[511] So then I had to go to another liquor store, and they had the other half of the stuff.

[512] But then they didn't have the M &M.

[513] So then I had to go to 7 -Eleven and go get the M &M's.

[514] And the Doritos, and I came back and I restocked the whole shit, man. That's insane.

[515] I remember we all were hearing that, and I'm like, that guy, that's a criminal mastermind at work.

[516] I don't know.

[517] That is just a genius move.

[518] I did, man. I restocked the whole thing.

[519] Dion, just gives me an idea for a business.

[520] And I will, I will, you and I could go into business together.

[521] We could start a business.

[522] We set up in front of fancy hotels.

[523] And we offer people the entire cost, everything that would come in the mini bar, but for one -fifteenth the price.

[524] And we still make a huge profit.

[525] And we drive around in a van from nice hotel to nice hotel in really rixie cities.

[526] In a van.

[527] And we're like, as someone's checking him, we're like, you think it might use a mini bar?

[528] Yeah, I think that.

[529] Okay, here's the deal.

[530] You can buy anything in the mini bar but in a fraction of the cost.

[531] Hey, Richard Dionne Cohen, isn't that Conan O 'Brien in the back?

[532] It doesn't fucking matter.

[533] That's not the point.

[534] The point is, do you want in on this or not?

[535] We're here for you.

[536] We're here for you, man. You killed it on that tour, and then you went on to Angie Tribeca and Blackish and grownish.

[537] I mean, you've done so spectacularly well, and everyone is just deliriously happy for you.

[538] And you know what's nice?

[539] You came to me on the tour.

[540] You said you wanted to talk to me, so you came over to my hotel room one day.

[541] I remember this.

[542] I don't know where we were.

[543] I don't know if we were in Atlanta, where we were, but you wanted to, you sit and talk to me, and you asked me, like, what do you think?

[544] What do you think I should do?

[545] What do you think is the next step for me?

[546] And I never know what's the next step for anybody.

[547] I just know that they have to do.

[548] it their way.

[549] Absolutely.

[550] And you also told me that sticks with me to this day, which I tell other people, you was like, don't get discouraged chasing these magical moments because every moment ain't magical.

[551] If every moment was magical, we want to have magical moments.

[552] And that was something that always stuck with me, too, you know.

[553] So it made me, it eased the pain of not succeeding in something sometimes or not getting something because I would be like, yo, that's just not that magical moment at that time or whatever, but by thinking like that, it eases the process in order to create.

[554] And so, yeah, man, anything you ever told me, man, I always took it, took it, took it to heart.

[555] Well, no, I was wrong about one thing.

[556] I remember when I told you early on ventriloquism?

[557] You should get a, you should get a dummy.

[558] Remember?

[559] And you said, I don't, you said, I don't think so, Conan.

[560] That isn't I said, look.

[561] I know talent.

[562] You need to get a dummy.

[563] You need to learn to throw your voice.

[564] I said, it's gone away, but it's coming back in our business.

[565] It's going to be big.

[566] I remember you looked really upset with me then.

[567] You know, it's interesting because, you know, you've always had, you've always had, you're a great joke writer, and you, you're such a great performer as well.

[568] But what's interesting to me is I remember you did a thing when I first saw you where you would take these really brave pauses in your act and you would pretend to think about something and you would write in a little invisible notebook and take notes.

[569] And I remember thinking there's so many people in comedy that just want to go for energy and attitude because it's easier than and less scary than thinking through what, how is this a smart joke?

[570] How is this a good joke?

[571] How is this a true joke?

[572] And then figuring out little bits to do on the side that really are incredibly, I don't know, unique.

[573] They give you a moment.

[574] Like you can play the pauses really well.

[575] And I don't know if that's something that you always, I mean, who are you, who inspired you when you were thinking about doing stand -up before you'd even tried it?

[576] Who were the people you were interested in?

[577] Well, I love Ms. Headberg.

[578] I love, I mean, obviously Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and Ellen.

[579] Ellen was somebody that I really, that I really loved watching too.

[580] Stephen Wright.

[581] Stephen Wright was another great one that I love.

[582] Stephen Wright also.

[583] similar, I mean, he, in that thing where he didn't, there was no neediness with Stephen White.

[584] Like, he didn't need the crowd.

[585] He was, he was going to do his thing, his way, and you could come.

[586] And if you didn't come, that was your problem.

[587] That was your problem.

[588] And if you wanted to leave, like, he was horrible, whatever.

[589] And then that's, that's on you.

[590] Or you could take this journey with him or whatever.

[591] And so those are people that I kind of, like, like, looked up to and kind of like, like, really kind of studied and watched or whatever.

[592] But another thing that I like that, what I always resonated with you about, even when I watched you when you was in New York, was the fact that you are like a master at, like, deconstructing.

[593] And that was something that I loved.

[594] I love to deconstruct what I'm doing because it gets people a sense of, like, not bullshit, and that you're part of this, and you see it, and we know it.

[595] And so that's another element that I use.

[596] with that, you know, it's a deconstructing where you see that I'm trying this out.

[597] And nine times out of ten, if I got a list of five jokes, please believe one, maybe two are ones that I've never done before.

[598] Yeah.

[599] Just so I can get the real reaction, you know what I mean?

[600] Of it not working so I can react.

[601] Or sometimes I write a terrible joke just because the reaction is bigger than the joke.

[602] Yes.

[603] You know what I mean?

[604] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[605] And that's, and with your comedy and how you are, you've mastered that.

[606] And that was something I always, like, kind of gravitated with you.

[607] Like I said, before you even came up, before we even hooked up, I just always love that.

[608] That was always something.

[609] You know what's interesting?

[610] And you probably agree with this.

[611] It feels to me like a lot of comedy is letting people know we're all on the same page here.

[612] And what I like to do is always let people.

[613] know I'm exactly with you so if something isn't quite working I know too as opposed to trying to snow them into thinking look this is slick yeah maybe that didn't trust me it worked it was good enough no no no you want to you want to because when you let them know that you're with them yeah the power is incredible I mean people love it they absolutely love it they love it and and it's but you have to be brave and to do that.

[614] You have to know yourself and you've got to be comfortable with yourself to do that.

[615] And it will also tell you something as a comic if you can't do that.

[616] Right, right.

[617] So you have to look at that and go, do I have the power to do that?

[618] Do I have the power to fuck up and own it and make it just as hilarious?

[619] Oh, funnier.

[620] It's funnier.

[621] It's funnier than the actual joke.

[622] On my Netflix special, I did it on there.

[623] Like I do it all the time, man It's just something that I love to do I love to do that man And like I said And I'm not just saying this because we're here right now But just even watching you in late night Man I just love how You all to do those bits man And then you would just tear that shit apart Man and it was just so great Because it would be like you write the joke And then here comes the real joke Oh, you just laughed at this joke But here come the real real out there.

[624] You are a, you're a really good actor.

[625] Did you know, did you ever think, did you ever think for a second, I just want to go into acting, or did you know stand -up was what you wanted to do?

[626] Because there are actually, there are people that get into stand -up because they're really interested in acting, and they get into stand -up, hoping they'll get noticed, and then they do get some notice, and then you can tell the second it starts to click in acting, they never do stand -up again.

[627] They never do stand -up.

[628] But that's not you.

[629] I can tell, like, you're always, you could win an Oscar tomorrow and you'll be like, uh -huh, okay, but I'm touring.

[630] Yeah, and that's exactly how I am.

[631] When I was younger, I always was thinking to myself, man, I would love to act because I was like the only child.

[632] So it was always just me and television all the time growing up, me and television, to this day, me and television.

[633] And so I always was, always looked and admired, you know, acting and how people acted.

[634] But I just, it just never was an avenue for me. as far as, like, financially or time or whatever, I just never was able to do it.

[635] So when I did stand -up, what's so weird is I still wasn't, I fell in love with stand -up so hard.

[636] I didn't even think stand -up would get me to acting because I was so caught up into stand -up.

[637] Like, I wasn't even thinking about acting because I was like, man, stand -up is so great.

[638] I love this.

[639] And then friends around me start landing roles.

[640] And then that's what made me go, oh right like yeah I can use oh I forgot about acting right I wanted yeah yeah I should use this to land some roles but yeah I was not thinking at all like yeah I'm gonna do stand up and then I can get some acting bits or whatever no I fell in love with stand up and was gone right because I was because it's something where you can be you you can be different it ain't it ain't like learning lines you know what I mean this is this is it's on a whole another page, you know, stand -up is.

[641] So I always, even when I put my name on something and some people be like, actor, comedian, I'd be like, no, it's comedian actor.

[642] Like, I always try to correct them if I catch it.

[643] I always be like, no, it's comedian actor.

[644] Yeah.

[645] I talked to us, Chappelle one, I mean, I talked to Chris Rock one time.

[646] He said, you're a comedian before you're anything.

[647] Because that dictates how you respond to other things.

[648] things that happen in life.

[649] He was like, before you're an American, before you're a man, before you're black, whatever your race is, before you're any of that.

[650] Before you're a father.

[651] You're a comedian first.

[652] And then that dictates everything else that you do.

[653] So I consider you a comic.

[654] You always be a comedian, host, whatever.

[655] But you're a comic, man. You're timing.

[656] Don't know what I got timing like that.

[657] So you're a comedian.

[658] So what you're saying is you only know me as a comic.

[659] You don't even know what race I am.

[660] I don't know your race.

[661] I will say, I will say, like, when, you know, people in this moment and this moment, and I think a lot of goods going to come out of the last couple of months of just, since George, you know, Floyd and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, one thing that accursed me sometimes, it's, is, it's, is, like, there is a way of communicating, which, which.

[662] does feel in some ways kind of magical, which is when you sit around and laugh with people, like whatever separates you does tend to disappear immediately.

[663] Do you know what I mean?

[664] Rather than sitting and like probing, like, well, what, tell me about your experiences and Mao, you tell me, I'll tell you my experiences and your experiences, and let's try and think our way through this.

[665] Sometimes when you're just, when you're laughing, it is something magical about it.

[666] I mean, I'm just thinking about what Chris Rock said, which is so true.

[667] is you just, you know, first time I met him, which was at Santa Live when, that would be, it was like 1989.

[668] Yes, obviously, it's like he's, the fact that he's so fucking funny is, could melt everything, because could melt anything else that might make somebody self -conscious can melt away.

[669] And I would think maybe, I just, unfortunately, not that many people are that funny.

[670] You all right, though.

[671] I mean, I think if everybody had an amazing sense of humor, really, I really do think if everybody had an amazing sense of humor, racism would like disappear, but the problem is, no, but that's, yeah, that's not going to happen.

[672] That's hard to come by, man, nowadays, especially, man. People don't have a sense of humor at all.

[673] But, you know, you just had me think about something just now.

[674] And I think it's really true.

[675] I think people lately.

[676] it seems like when you do laugh it's like it's a real laugh like people are like it's almost like they want they want to laugh so bad they want to release so bad I think when this shit is over with man comedy is going to go I mean through the roof y 'all yeah I think people gonna come out if you do comedy man it's gonna be insane that the type of love that people are going to come out for and receive and to the comics what they're going to receive too, man. It's going to be electrifier in 2022.

[677] Oh, no. No, well.

[678] I hope not, man. I hope not.

[679] I just heard that shit.

[680] That shit blew my mind.

[681] Oh, yeah, you heard Fauci say, yeah, it's not going to be till 2020.

[682] We'll see.

[683] The end of 2021.

[684] Hey, what if it's, what if Fauci is getting so much attention?

[685] and like Brad Pitt's playing him on Sarnout Live and he's getting to like throw out baseballs at games and stuff and he's a national hero.

[686] What if he's saying like, this could go on to 2027, you know?

[687] Really?

[688] No, we have a cure.

[689] Yeah, I don't try it just yet.

[690] Anyway, am I on CNN tonight?

[691] No, I know.

[692] He probably is.

[693] He's like, look.

[694] I have a chance with Hallie Berry.

[695] so let's just shut the fuck up everybody no no no just shut up about no in Sweden they have a shut up about Sweden he's riding his train baby yes he's funny comedians are going to be happy when this is over because it's going to blow up for us and Fauci's going to be pissed he's going to be sitting at the back of the comedy club watching you kill because coronavirus is over and you're going to be on stage killing with all the pent -up energy and observations you've built up during quarantine and he's going to be in the back going, I used to be somebody.

[696] And he'll be telling the waitress.

[697] I was Fauci.

[698] Sir, it's a two -drink minimum, sir.

[699] You need another drink.

[700] I was Fauci.

[701] I have a chart.

[702] I could show you from a year ago.

[703] No, I'm good.

[704] That's funny is hell, man. That's gonna be him.

[705] That's gonna be him.

[706] This bullshit.

[707] He's hiding the cure so he can shine.

[708] Dr. Fauci, what's that?

[709] Oh, it's just a nasal spray.

[710] It says COVID cure approved on it.

[711] No, no, it's a breath drop.

[712] Just don't worry about that.

[713] No, no, don't worry about that.

[714] Catch me with Hamilton.

[715] Wait, you're in Hamilton?

[716] You're in Hamilton?

[717] That's going to suppressing the virus.

[718] Yeah.

[719] No, I'm...

[720] Well, that's going to be great.

[721] He just keeps suppressing the virus.

[722] No, no, no, no, it needs another trial.

[723] No, every chimp we gave it to immediately got better.

[724] And became more virile.

[725] It even cleans your teeth.

[726] This is an amazing...

[727] It's been totally approved.

[728] We've tried it on every animal, every patient.

[729] It needs six more years.

[730] Hey, baby, get over here.

[731] Oh, my God.

[732] So how are you staying sane these days?

[733] How are you like, because, you know, I agree with you.

[734] You bring up something really important, which is whenever there was a period of plague or something back in the, you know, 1500s, 1400s, right afterwards, there was always like a burst of great artistic work.

[735] And I think there could be, I mean, right now, people are.

[736] stuck and they're upset.

[737] And it's not just in comedy, but you think, what are people writing?

[738] What are people drawing?

[739] What are people, what ideas are people having?

[740] I mean, just on the sort of optimistic side, I think some incredible work might come out of that.

[741] It's going to be some beautiful shit we're going to see when this is over with from paintings to music, to movie ideas, to everything.

[742] And we're going to see a lot of cross -breeding.

[743] going on as far as, like, entertainers are concerned.

[744] Yeah, yeah.

[745] Like, I've been DJing this shit.

[746] Just, I taught myself how to DJ live in front of everybody since the beginning of this pandemic.

[747] And now DJs are sending me new songs to play and break.

[748] I was also a part of this big -ass thing called Rave to Vote, where it was like me, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Louis Vega and all these amazing DJs.

[749] And we all DJed together.

[750] And I have the equipment for about three years.

[751] I just never played.

[752] And now at the time, I taught myself.

[753] So you're going to see a lot of people doing that.

[754] A lot of people are going to be basically, like, doing other things that we're going to see.

[755] No, I have a question.

[756] Do you, when you, DJ, do you let any of your comedy?

[757] Do you try and put any of that in there, too?

[758] Sometimes I do.

[759] That could be a very powerful combination.

[760] Like, like, sometimes I'll play an instrumental, and then I'll play one of my, comedy bits on top of the instrumental and let it play.

[761] And then at the end of every one of my DJ sets, I talk about what's going on in the world, man. And just work on some material just to see if it works.

[762] You know, I only know by the hearts that come up.

[763] I can't hear nobody laugh.

[764] I just tell a joke and then I wait.

[765] And then you wait and your eyes go dead.

[766] Oh, yeah, they got the hearts.

[767] They got the heart.

[768] That would work, that way.

[769] That wouldn't work for me. I need to laugh.

[770] I'm conditioned.

[771] I need to laugh.

[772] I'm going off of what I can.

[773] Waiting eight seconds to see four hearts float up a screen to prove that I'm funny.

[774] It would be like, oh, God, no, no. Time for me to be an accountant.

[775] That would absolutely be terrible.

[776] That's it, man. Yeah, man. Every Sunday I get down at 11 a .m. L .A. time, man. I get there every Sunday.

[777] Just go Sunday fellowship.

[778] I play all disco music.

[779] That's all I play, man. That's fantastic.

[780] It's been great, man. And like I said, man, everybody needs to just take this opportunity to do something different.

[781] Whatever you felt like you wanted to do, you should be doing it now, man. And just, you know, just using it as a hobby.

[782] And you never know what might happen.

[783] Yeah.

[784] Because I went from three people to like 20 ,000 people every Sunday, you know, that watch me. That's great.

[785] No, I had never, I had always been curious about heroin.

[786] But I had a job, and I had a family.

[787] And then during COVID, I was like, uh, if not, no, when?

[788] And you know what?

[789] It's fantastic.

[790] It takes you to this place.

[791] And maybe this is irresponsible.

[792] Yeah.

[793] Is it?

[794] It is very responsible.

[795] I'm just saying, I've seen the face of God when I rode the white horse.

[796] You got enough time to kick it.

[797] too.

[798] See, yes.

[799] Because you can't be doing a little heroin and then be like, I got to go in 45 minutes and traffic's going to be 35.

[800] No, that doesn't work.

[801] You got to have a couple months to kick it out your system too.

[802] Yeah.

[803] I am so happy that you could do this, that you could come on because I love you, I love talking to you, and are you kidding?

[804] Are you kidding?

[805] You just, I'm very happy for you.

[806] You know, I'm very happy for you.

[807] and you deserve everything that you've gotten times a hundred.

[808] So just don't forget me. You know, someday, you know, when you're at the very top, bring me in and ridicule me in front of people.

[809] Look, man, I love you to pieces.

[810] I always talk about you.

[811] I'm always asked about you.

[812] Anything I do, man, I always, always, always bring you up, man. Other people always bring you up.

[813] Thank you for all the lessons.

[814] Oh, God.

[815] No, no, no. I'm not serious, man. I'm thanking you.

[816] And I'm just going to point out to people to hear curious.

[817] That Dionne's clapsed his hands a lot as he talks.

[818] It's clapping.

[819] That's clapping.

[820] In case you think that he's there.

[821] Because people listening to this, people listening to this are going to think that you just have a giant, a room.

[822] Your room is filled with bubble wrap.

[823] And you're just, you're just popping it like a maniac.

[824] You were like, that was great.

[825] I love that.

[826] I love that podcast with Dion.

[827] He had a room full of bubble wrap?

[828] No, no. Has he lost his fucking mind?

[829] No, you're going to, you're not going to divert away from, you amassed that divert.

[830] You're going to, you're going to take this love I'm giving you.

[831] I won't.

[832] I love you.

[833] I love you.

[834] I love you.

[835] Thank you.

[836] Thank you for everything.

[837] I know he's, I can't handle it.

[838] No. He's like, he's like, bubble wrap, blah, bra, blah, bra, no, thank you, though.

[839] All right, well, let's get through this, let's get through this thing.

[840] And thank you.

[841] for being so funny and honest and I look back on it and I think I wish it had been immediately easy for you day one to come into our show and it wasn't and I feel bad that it wasn't but I'm glad that we got to the right place man without that I wouldn't have the skin that I have and I wouldn't be what I am without that I wouldn't change the thing man thank you all I love you man Mr. Cole he always makes me call him Mr. Cole.

[842] Oh, that's it.

[843] It's day one.

[844] Huge balls on this guy.

[845] Hey, Dion, Mr. Cole.

[846] And then, second year, I knew you, it became Dr. Cole.

[847] I don't even think you're a doctor.

[848] Me is Dr. Dre.

[849] Dr. Dre is a real doctor.

[850] I looked it up.

[851] He's an orthopedic surgeon.

[852] He's the least cool doctor ever.

[853] We don't need to operate.

[854] Just inserts.

[855] just some orthotics really shows up to surgery with headphones he's a great doctor though he's a great doctor all right Dion you be well take care and I'll see you bye bye bye all right see you let's do some review the reviewers this is from down with smores and another one called smores they're both five -star reviews but the first says a bad Scorsese film is more disappointing than a bad Roland Emmerich film because you expect better, and that's why Smoors are the most disappointing snack of all.

[856] Yes, we talked about this.

[857] Thank you.

[858] And then the next one real quick says, I'm aligned with Conan and Gourley on Smoors.

[859] Toasted marshmallow by itself or with a small square of chocolate shoved in the middle.

[860] Gram crackers have no business being near a campfire.

[861] Yes.

[862] Okay.

[863] Well, listen, this is something that we brought up.

[864] We started talking about Smoors because we named our summer series Smoors and the Chum Chums or something.

[865] That's most enough.

[866] I don't, you know, that's the best I can do.

[867] I do.

[868] I'm not a fan of this program, and I refuse to listen to it.

[869] Summer Smoors with Conan and the Chill Chums.

[870] Okay, yeah.

[871] And you are?

[872] I'm Sona.

[873] Oh, my God.

[874] Hello.

[875] I'm your assistant for the last 11 years.

[876] No, you aren't.

[877] An assistant would assist me. But anyway.

[878] Oh, okay.

[879] All right.

[880] Listen, please, you take advantage.

[881] I do.

[882] You're a scam artist.

[883] Oh, that was sad.

[884] You just went, I do.

[885] I do.

[886] Listen, we talked about it on the shows, and we started talking about smores, and I maintained.

[887] People act like smores are the most amazing things in the world.

[888] They suck.

[889] They're terrible.

[890] And they get, I would leave s'mores alone, only they get this street cred as being the greatest thing that ever happened, which only exposes how horrible they are.

[891] It's like a shingle that has some tar on it.

[892] And everyone is supposed, everyone's been trained to like it, but nobody really likes the smorg.

[893] No, everybody likes smores.

[894] No, it's like an old library card with some sludge and some shaving cream on it.

[895] It just sounds like you two haven't been invited to like too many bar.

[896] barbecues, or not barbecues, like campfires.

[897] I went to a lot of campfires.

[898] No, it's, you're, you didn't do it right.

[899] I was in the Girl Scouts for four years.

[900] I wore a wig.

[901] What a creep.

[902] No, what I'm saying is I did plenty of time in summer camp, and that is a cool thing to say.

[903] You did time.

[904] I did time in summer camp, and they would always say, now, guess what, is a real treat.

[905] And I would think, great.

[906] Yeah.

[907] Let's get a real treat.

[908] treat.

[909] Right.

[910] You know?

[911] And no, it wasn't a real treat.

[912] It wasn't really good high quality cheese popcorn, which is fantastic.

[913] That's my...

[914] Cheese popcorn, you just take it out of the bag and you eat it.

[915] Right.

[916] This takes work.

[917] You put your time into it.

[918] Oh, that's why it's so amazing.

[919] That's right.

[920] They're so hard to eat.

[921] It's so hard to eat.

[922] No. If you put them onto the chocolate at the right time and it melts the chocolate, it is...

[923] Oh, and guess what?

[924] Whenever you're at a campfire, There's nothing to drink, and it's such a dry, gooey mess.

[925] There's never any drink there at the campfire.

[926] So you're basically being asked to eat this molten piece of space shuttle tile.

[927] Okay.

[928] And then you're supposed to, they just reentered atmosphere and you're supposed to pick it up and shove it in your face and go, best thing ever, thanks, counselor.

[929] And there's no water there.

[930] There's no drink.

[931] There's no milk.

[932] There's nothing because you don't have that at a campfire.

[933] Well, I mean, you could take it with you.

[934] I don't know.

[935] cooler.

[936] I just don't agree with, look, I think that these are overwhelmingly loved and you happen to read two reviews from two people who don't like them, but I think those two people are a hassle.

[937] I'm going to make a statement.

[938] I'm going to make a statement that smores are the Manhattan clam chowder of candy.

[939] Oh.

[940] Oh, yeah.

[941] You know what I mean?

[942] No one's ever said, no one's ever said, got to get me some Manhattan clam chowder.

[943] Is that different than Boston clam chowder?

[944] Why, yes, it is let me explain Boston Clam Chowder and I'm from Boston and I'm very proud of our chowder it is a thick creamy it's made with like cream and butter and it's fantastic Manhattan Clam Chowder is someone was bitter down in New York that Boston was getting all this attention for its creamy chowder so what they did is they said yeah well guess what we're going to make something different and someone next to them said yeah but what are you going to do Rocco up in Boston and they got cream and they got clams.

[945] Well, we got to keep the clams.

[946] Probably lose the potato.

[947] We got to lose a potato.

[948] We can't lose a potato.

[949] You got to have that stuff.

[950] Plus it's cheap and it fills it out.

[951] I know we'll lose the part everyone loves.

[952] The cream and the butter.

[953] And it'll just be a watery tomato soup.

[954] Oh.

[955] And it's watery tomato soup with clams.

[956] That's gross.

[957] And you know what?

[958] I think if you looked into it, No one's ever ordered it at a restaurant.

[959] Hundreds of millions of gallons are made a year, and it's never been ordered.

[960] Hundreds of millions of gallons.

[961] Yeah.

[962] Okay.

[963] Yeah.

[964] You know why there's no COVID cure yet?

[965] Why?

[966] There is one that they could do, but they can't get it up to speed because the same machines are used to make Manhattan clam chowder.

[967] And those machines, people are like, no one even likes Manhattan clam chowder.

[968] Fuck it.

[969] We got to keep cranking this shit out.

[970] No one's drinking it.

[971] We could switch those machines over to making a COVID cure right now.

[972] Can't do it.

[973] There's got to be as much of this shit as the Boston shit Equal amounts Because New York is just as strong As Boston strong So it's just this petty war of chowders That's denying us the complete cure To COVID -19 In one day they could switch those factories over But because of this chowder feud America continues to lie and wait waiting for the day of a cure.

[974] That we agree on.

[975] Yeah, that's a bad chowder.

[976] And that proves my point.

[977] No, it doesn't.

[978] Yeah, it does.

[979] No, you just talked about chowder.

[980] It's not the same.

[981] If you say that smores are good, it means you don't want a COVID cure.

[982] Oh, okay.

[983] Gotcha.

[984] My logical trap is undeniable.

[985] Look at it.

[986] If you've been charting out at home, you'll see that I built the perfect logical web.

[987] You are unwell.

[988] And Sonas trapped in the middle, flailing, help me, help me. Okay, well, we solve it.

[989] it.

[990] We did.

[991] We cracked it.

[992] Yeah.

[993] We did crack it.

[994] Yeah.

[995] I need the people who like the smores to just come on all of our social media channels and start being more vocal.

[996] Let's start a movement.

[997] I know that there are other things going to try and leave their comments, but their mouths are fulled with hot, dry much.

[998] Yeah.

[999] You can't start a movement with two people.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] Okay.

[1002] Hey, Gourley and I are on the same side against Sona and I'm liking this.

[1003] This is like a new alliance of Avengers.

[1004] I hate this.

[1005] This is stupid.

[1006] And you, okay.

[1007] Also, life.

[1008] think that, I think once my smores people back me up, you guys will realize how unpopular your opinion is.

[1009] So, I feel like I'm going to win this one.

[1010] Don't make us call on the Legion of people who don't like smores.

[1011] Yeah.

[1012] Fuck those people.

[1013] Well, you just said fuck you to 92 % of the country.

[1014] I don't care.

[1015] And actually the civilized world.

[1016] If you don't like smores, I don't want to know you.

[1017] If you don't like smores and you see me on the street, don't even come up to me. There are countries developing countries where they honestly don't have enough to eat.

[1018] And the government has several times tried to give them smores and they said, we're good.

[1019] All at the same time.

[1020] We're good.

[1021] Giant crates of s'mores were parachuted in.

[1022] We're good, was what they say.

[1023] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1024] With Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1025] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1026] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1027] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1028] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1029] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1030] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1031] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1032] Got a question for Conan?

[1033] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1034] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1035] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1036] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.