Please Don’t Destroy (with Special Guest Paul Rudd) Live at the Brooklyn Academy of Music

[0] Fallers here, hear the yell.

[1] Back to school, ring the bell, wear new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pants, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

[2] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome.

[3] What just happened right here?

[4] Nipple to this woman right here, and she wisely declined.

[5] Then I turned to this guy who leaps at the chance.

[6] Missed my nipple.

[7] You were like five inches off.

[8] You rubbed my low belly.

[9] We are so excited to be part of the New York Comedy Festival, Brooklyn Academy of Music.

[10] How many people here are from Brooklyn in the audience tonight?

[11] You've got a real Brooklyn people here, right?

[12] It is amazing.

[13] It is amazing.

[14] I used to live in Brooklyn.

[15] I lived in a very different Brooklyn than the one you're thinking about.

[16] I moved to Brooklyn when I first got my job at Saturday Night Live.

[17] And we don't have to woo everything.

[18] And then I was murdered.

[19] And now I'm a ghost.

[20] Well, that's appropriate anyway.

[21] I came out here and I moved to Williamsburg in 1988.

[22] It was not the Williamsburg you know today.

[23] It bore no resemblance.

[24] It was desolate.

[25] It was frightening.

[26] Have you seen the movie Dune?

[27] Brooklyn was like Dune then.

[28] There was a giant worm who was smart enough to buy his brownstone then.

[29] He's made a fortune.

[30] But I lived then, and I think my roommate at the time, Lynette, are you here tonight?

[31] Where are you?

[32] Yell.

[33] There's Lynette.

[34] Lynette Cortez.

[35] Lynette was my roommate at the time, and I took the apartment over the phone.

[36] At SNL, you told me you've got to move to Williamsburg.

[37] It's amazing.

[38] It's up and coming.

[39] And I got there and didn't realize you meant.

[40] it's up and coming in 25 years.

[41] Every day, I was almost murdered.

[42] But I went to the old neighborhood, like yesterday, and now it's just a giant piece of avocado toast.

[43] The whole building.

[44] But it's absolutely amazing, and I'm also just really impressed.

[45] I've been here like 24 hours walking around Brooklyn, and everyone here is so self -satisfied.

[46] I'm serious.

[47] Everyone is like, hmm, I may recognize you, but I'm not going to say a thing.

[48] And I'm going, hello!

[49] Comedy guy, around 40 years, Simpsons, S &O, Conan's, blah.

[50] And they're like, hmm.

[51] And they act like they're not even sure Manhattan is a place.

[52] There are people I've met from Brooklyn who've never...

[53] Has anyone here from Brooklyn never been to Manhattan?

[54] Just tell me right now.

[55] Okay, that's a little too much.

[56] I went too far.

[57] It's so nice of you to be here tonight, and it's so nice that so many people are, listening to the podcast, which is something that came along late, late in my career.

[58] I am 84 years old, and this is the fifth anniversary of us doing the podcast, almost to the day.

[59] And we wanted to do something special, which is why we're here.

[60] We are celebrating five years of doing the podcast, and for me it's been this miracle, this whole new life, and it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't joined by two other people.

[61] Yeah.

[62] My accountant.

[63] And this real estate guy who's really smart.

[64] No, and I think we should bring them out here and acknowledge them and give them all the love they deserve because they make it really fun for me to do this podcast day in, day out.

[65] Let's get Sonomov Sessian.

[66] Matt Gourley out here!

[67] Always forget that Sona was...

[68] I made you go into show business.

[69] I mean, it was...

[70] was against your will pretty much.

[71] You're my assistant.

[72] Yeah.

[73] And then this whole thing, because you just came out and you saw this whole audience and I think, yeah, that's a good crowd, yeah.

[74] I'm an old -time show business guy.

[75] But you leaned into my, you leaned in and you whispered in my ear just now, that's a lot of people.

[76] Yeah.

[77] Also, you know what?

[78] I was listening to you talk backstage.

[79] Do you think it's a coincidence that Brooklyn became cool after you left?

[80] Oh.

[81] Oh.

[82] There has been a noticeable dip and cool the last two days.

[83] I'm sure there has.

[84] I'm sure there has.

[85] I mean, I've not spent a lot of time here, but I've been having a blast.

[86] I really do love it.

[87] But yes, I do think everyone here is much better looking than I ever was, and they're much better dressed than I ever will be.

[88] I mean, it's very impressive.

[89] Yeah.

[90] I mean, pretty high bar is what I'm saying.

[91] Is it?

[92] Sorry.

[93] Oh, come on.

[94] No, come on.

[95] I don't mean that.

[96] You're nice.

[97] But that is.

[98] Also, I'm sure not everybody here is from Brooklyn.

[99] No, there's a lot of people here who aren't from...

[100] People are from Staten Island.

[101] They're from Queens.

[102] We got some people.

[103] Who came from Manhattan?

[104] Okay, here's a question.

[105] Here's a question.

[106] We talked to somebody outside who came all the way from...

[107] Winnipeg.

[108] Winnipeg.

[109] Canada.

[110] In Canada.

[111] Where are you, genital?

[112] Yeah, Janelle's here.

[113] Okay.

[114] Okay, let's not...

[115] Sorry.

[116] Okay, take it easy, Janelle.

[117] There was like five Janelle's out there just now.

[118] No, it's that Janelle right there.

[119] She is out of control.

[120] No, people have come here tonight.

[121] There's someone from Guam.

[122] This is pretty amazing.

[123] Yeah, I made it up.

[124] It's not true.

[125] Oh, I met Caesar and Katie from North Carolina.

[126] There they are.

[127] You know what we're going to do?

[128] We're going to do a whole hour of randomly naming people.

[129] You came from England?

[130] You lie!

[131] Wow.

[132] You came from England?

[133] Why?

[134] Don't do your accent.

[135] You had other things to do in town, yes?

[136] You came just for this?

[137] Why?

[138] Wow.

[139] You came from Tokyo?

[140] Now people are just lying.

[141] Yeah.

[142] I came from Middle Earth.

[143] What?

[144] The Eye of Sorin brought me here.

[145] Well, I hope you enjoy the show.

[146] Why?

[147] Why woo that?

[148] That woo was so badly placed.

[149] That's a guy in line.

[150] It was like, I'm going to woo at just the right time.

[151] Hey, look.

[152] These two on the extreme ends are like doppelgangers of each other.

[153] Look at this.

[154] That's true.

[155] Can people see them?

[156] Please stand and turn towards the crowd.

[157] Please, I demand it.

[158] Why are we doing this to people?

[159] You stand.

[160] It's their strange doppelaginers.

[161] their alternate universe versions of each other and they sat in the exact opposite universe seats from each other.

[162] Now swap partners.

[163] Okay.

[164] And we're going to film it for Dutch television.

[165] Oh my God, I just saw that shirt that says B -D -E and it has a picture of your face on it.

[166] Oh, my God.

[167] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. What?

[168] What?

[169] No. No. What are you talking about?

[170] No. What do you mean?

[171] Come on.

[172] Oh, please.

[173] You always act like some, some asexual creep.

[174] Well, you're half right.

[175] I'm still a little lost.

[176] Spell it out BDE for him.

[177] He's all confused.

[178] Big Dick energy.

[179] Oh, I think it's big dork energy.

[180] No. I didn't like that at all.

[181] And the crowd didn't like it either.

[182] They all know.

[183] This guy's got it going on downtown.

[184] I'm just a meandering fool.

[185] I came here on a different flight from you guys.

[186] I took four private jets to get here.

[187] Oh.

[188] I wanted my carbon footprint to be so large.

[189] You know, and you...

[190] It was four private jets just all masked taped together.

[191] And you had space for the two of us?

[192] No, I know.

[193] I'd like to put my feet up.

[194] Actual Simpsons line.

[195] Anyway, no, I came here on American Airlines flight yesterday.

[196] and just shout out to A .A., you know, they're good...

[197] Yeah, give us those miles.

[198] What's that?

[199] Right?

[200] Huh?

[201] Give us those miles.

[202] Yeah.

[203] Not money.

[204] Give us miles.

[205] So, anyway, what's wrong with you?

[206] I just, I realized I asked for miles, but we could just be asking them for money.

[207] No, okay.

[208] Well, no, they're not going to just give us money.

[209] Or miles.

[210] Give us money.

[211] It was any of this.

[212] But listen, I'm curious.

[213] I had a pleasant flight out.

[214] Did you guys travel together?

[215] Yeah.

[216] Yeah, we did.

[217] Yeah.

[218] Sona, do you mind if I speak somewhat freely about our trip in?

[219] Yeah.

[220] Okay.

[221] I don't know what you're going to say, but yeah.

[222] Well, we got on the plane and Sona goes, I'm going to take an edible.

[223] And then about a half hour later, she goes, I'm not feeling anything.

[224] I'm going to take another edible.

[225] She puts on a movie, I put on a movie.

[226] 15 minutes later, I look over.

[227] She's watching the movie, Blackberry, doing this.

[228] She was like rave tripping and dancing.

[229] to the movie BlackBerry.

[230] It's a drama, but that soundtrack slaps, you know?

[231] How high did you get?

[232] I got really high.

[233] I should not have taken the second one.

[234] And I found that out.

[235] And the third one was a big mistake.

[236] Do you routinely take edibles before you fly?

[237] Yeah, so I could sleep.

[238] Well, you weren't sleeping.

[239] You were doing the robot while you watched the movie Blackberry.

[240] Yeah, but after it ended, I went to sleep for a long time.

[241] Yeah.

[242] Yeah, it's nice.

[243] Okay, all right.

[244] I felt good.

[245] Okay.

[246] I had a good time on that way.

[247] How do you feel now?

[248] I feel good now.

[249] You wouldn't do edibles before you came out and do a show, right?

[250] No, I feel like...

[251] Have you ever done that before you've done a podcast?

[252] No, I have not.

[253] I know everyone probably thinks I do.

[254] Well, now the way you say that, we do.

[255] Yeah, no, but I don't.

[256] Not as me in my sober mind.

[257] But I should.

[258] How fun would that be, though?

[259] Wouldn't we have a good time?

[260] I think it would be no different.

[261] Okay.

[262] It's true.

[263] There's no difference.

[264] I've seen you completely wasted and there's no difference.

[265] Yeah, you know, that's true.

[266] And you're both good parents, because I will point out that last night, we were, no, I was being honest, last night we were out to dinner and both of you were showing me because you're away from your young kids, you were both showing me your baby monitors that you have on your phone.

[267] Yeah.

[268] Which is something my parents never checked in on me in my entire lifetime.

[269] They still don't know who I am or what I do.

[270] But you are looking, you're in.

[271] Brooklyn and you were looking at your children sleeping in Los Angeles.

[272] Yeah, it's nice.

[273] It's nice to be able to look at them at any point.

[274] My daughter had a book on her head.

[275] I noticed that.

[276] There was a large book.

[277] It looked like an encyclopedia Britannica, was resting on, I'm not kidding, resting on her head as she slept and you went, I should go call my wife.

[278] This was like an eight -pound book was lying on her head.

[279] It's the only way she'll sleep.

[280] It's like the weighted blanket, but you don't want to spring for that.

[281] We're educating her through osmosis.

[282] She doesn't go to school.

[283] Put Warren Peace on her head and she goes out like a light.

[284] Yeah, sleep school.

[285] Warren, peace.

[286] You did take an edible.

[287] Why are you laughing at Warren Peace?

[288] I don't know.

[289] Just reading that to a little two -year -old?

[290] Come on, that's funny.

[291] You're right.

[292] Yeah.

[293] Yeah, okay.

[294] That's funny.

[295] I wish you had been part of my career a long time ago.

[296] I know a lot of young fans like primarily know the podcast, but, like, I could have used you in 1993 just laughing and looking at the crowd back when people didn't like me very much and say, come on, it's funny.

[297] I don't know what I have found you a lot.

[298] I don't know if I would have found you funny back then.

[299] Jesus.

[300] Body blow after body blow.

[301] I know.

[302] I'm mean.

[303] This woman's cheering me up again.

[304] Hi.

[305] How are you?

[306] Got that.

[307] Oh, I'm sorry.

[308] I meant.

[309] Big dick energy over here.

[310] I'm not worried about anything If you made jokes like that What's it?

[311] If you made jokes like that in 90s?

[312] No one knew what BDE was back then That's true, that's a new one No one talked about penises back then Now it's all we talk about Back then it was a forbidden subject Yeah, we didn't even have them back then I would have found you funny Okay, that's nice That's a great end of that Little conversational Circle right there thank you sona thank you for right here in front of this giant hall of fantastic people at the comedy festival at probably the very end of my career saying you would have found me funny appreciate it you're welcome okay guys we can pull this together come okay let's pull it together I want you to make up I think it's time I love you know that I love you too and I think you're very funny you're a funny guy I think you have a very promising career ahead of you're a fool I think it's time that we get this show really cooking.

[313] Not that it's not cooking already but I think it's time that we maybe dim the lights and bring out our surprise guests.

[314] Hello.

[315] We are Please Don't Destroy and we feel too young to be Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[316] I want to thank you guys.

[317] These people left work at Saturday Night Live where they're doing a show this week to be here for the most important night of your lives and show business.

[318] Yeah, baby.

[319] So if the show is not good this week, don't be upset.

[320] Yeah.

[321] We're sorry we're not more famous you felt like a big buildup there.

[322] You may know us from our hit show Workaholics.

[323] Hello?

[324] So glad to be here.

[325] Yeah.

[326] I am a massive fan of you gentlemen and I am so thrilled that you would be here tonight seriously you know that so lucky to be here I and one of the things I was like going over here because first of all we have something in common I worked at SNL long before you guys were born back when it was a radio show wow yes President Roosevelt would come on and say no for the big show and there were sketches and things and it was a very different time and I was telling the crowd a little bit about that back in the day and you guys worked there and you have, you make these incredible comedy shorts, but I have to tell you, you shoot them in the actual office that's identical to the office that I worked in.

[327] Mine was just down the hall from the one that you guys do your show in.

[328] All your shorts, which have gone viral, that you do, they're in this room where I felt the greatest terror and dread of my life.

[329] So when everyone else watches those sketches, they love them, and when I watch them, I have to say I have to come over a lot of PTSD to appreciate what you got, you know, like to just get into the comedy a little bit because it's horrifying.

[330] It's a tough job.

[331] No, it's not.

[332] Not for us.

[333] I'm saying it's the hardest job anyone's ever done.

[334] It's funny.

[335] When you're talented, it's not that hard.

[336] I don't know.

[337] But I'm sorry you felt that way.

[338] Yeah, that's so sad.

[339] I just would try and try and nothing would happen and then you guys.

[340] I don't know.

[341] No, it can be really stressful.

[342] Yeah.

[343] I know what you mean.

[344] Yeah.

[345] Do you look back fondly on your time at S &L?

[346] Like, is it one of your favorite?

[347] I was a magical time.

[348] I was like you guys.

[349] I was super young and I was working there and I couldn't believe that I remember.

[350] The thing about S &L is they throw you right in the deep end of the pool.

[351] Did you have that experience too?

[352] Yeah.

[353] You show up and I didn't feel qualified for anything and I got hired and the first day they're like, Steve Martin's in that room.

[354] Go pitch him a joke.

[355] You know, go pitch him a sketch.

[356] And I would say, you shouldn't send me in there.

[357] I'm an idiot.

[358] I still have acne.

[359] I'm 23.

[360] I shouldn't be allowed in a room with that man. No one's vetted me. And so I remember that part being just amazing.

[361] I loved it.

[362] It was scary and terrifying, but at the same time, I felt like it was an incredible experience.

[363] Totally.

[364] And nobody tells you anything about the show.

[365] There's no rules going into it.

[366] So when we shot our first video, J .C. Penny Hart -Seltzer, we, uh, For those listening on audio, John made the audience clap.

[367] And they still didn't, really.

[368] They didn't know it.

[369] Whatever.

[370] It doesn't matter.

[371] I don't know what that is.

[372] Thank you.

[373] Thank you.

[374] There's a family in the top row.

[375] No, when we just did that on our own.

[376] Because when we got hired, they were like, they had seen our videos on Twitter and TikTok and stuff, and they were like, yeah, maybe you'll do some of those.

[377] because we were just hired as writers so we just kind of took it upon ourselves to go shoot this thing and then we showed it to producers and they were like yeah maybe we'll show it and then they showed it and then it did well and then it got on the air but we didn't know that going in.

[378] Yeah and it was the Kim Kardashian episode yeah which is like I don't imagine that's what her audience wanted to see these three ghost white boys talking about funny hard seltzer brands.

[379] Did you, who has been the guest star?

[380] I mean, I'm guessing I think I know the answer, but who you've worked with that has been like the most intimidating, the biggest star that you've worked with.

[381] You think you know the answer?

[382] I think I do.

[383] Do you think it's yourself?

[384] I know it's myself.

[385] No, I actually never did a thing with you guys on the show.

[386] So, no, it couldn't have been me. Yeah.

[387] You didn't know that?

[388] No. I'm that unimportant to you that you thought maybe I've done so.

[389] Oh, wow.

[390] I knew you from somewhere.

[391] All right, well, yeah.

[392] No, I'm curious who you think it is.

[393] Well, come on, Taylor Swift.

[394] That was huge.

[395] Yes.

[396] No. Steve and Marty.

[397] Yeah, okay, that's a good answer, yeah.

[398] And Taylor Swift, obviously.

[399] But that's too big that it's beyond, like, I couldn't understand it.

[400] And I just want to have a quick check -in.

[401] Martin, have you spoken yet?

[402] No, I have not.

[403] Just a quick little check -in.

[404] with Martin.

[405] So Martin, where do you go?

[406] What's up, bud?

[407] Where do you go in these moments, these long moments where you disappear?

[408] You were like this.

[409] Yeah.

[410] Gotta say something at some point, Marty.

[411] Yeah.

[412] I can't have a conversation with you in front of zero people.

[413] There's like a millionaire.

[414] But yeah, Taylor Swift was...

[415] I think you should.

[416] I think you should.

[417] should stop right there.

[418] Thank you guys.

[419] I think it'd be great.

[420] I also think it'd be great, you guys.

[421] You were hooked to a rope and you sailed up and out.

[422] And it was an exit that cost us like $30 ,000.

[423] And just wasn't worth it.

[424] You guys started together, New York, NYU, and you guys were making and this is an amazing thing about this era.

[425] When I was starting out, you couldn't I mean, I don't have to explain that.

[426] everyone knows you couldn't make a video and put it on the internet there was no internet but uh i envy that i envy your ability to like workshop stuff and put it out there and get responses from people we we just did things bits in alleys for each other when when you were at the lamp for sexual favors right you were etching into a tablet when you were at the lampoon and you wrote stuff would p would other students like come up to you being like Like, that's really funny?

[427] Like, was it...

[428] Not often, no. No, and that was the thing, as I would...

[429] No, I was in college and I was writing stuff for the college humor magazine, and every now and then, someone would accidentally get it and read it and read it and be like, oh, I think you have a funny name, and I think I read something by that guy with a funny name, and I think that amused me slightly, but no, I didn't get that fix at an early age at all.

[430] I didn't get that for many years.

[431] Damn.

[432] Still kind of didn't get it.

[433] And it just kind of never...

[434] It never came.

[435] That's so sad.

[436] Never really happened.

[437] Never really came together for me. But we...

[438] You go ahead.

[439] Shut up.

[440] Um...

[441] Shut up.

[442] Shut up.

[443] Shut up, shut up, shut up.

[444] Hang on, hang on.

[445] You know, I always had an idea for an improv character who just goes, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, just dominates every scene.

[446] And then he's got a butt of attitude like, no one can top me on stage.

[447] Yeah.

[448] Yeah, a character.

[449] That's the loop that's playing in my head right now.

[450] Shut up, shut up.

[451] Get on the drums, dude.

[452] Yeah, shit.

[453] No, I can't do any of that.

[454] What a great show business thing.

[455] Hey, show them that thing you do on the drums.

[456] I don't do anything on the drums.

[457] Curtin down.

[458] If you guys need help, like, loading that shit out later, That I could maybe do Look, the important thing is you're having This incredible success These videos are everywhere People yell at you on the street Catch phrases from your videos Yes, they do What's the one you hear the most?

[459] Sad Virgin I get that too But you get it for a different reason Yeah You did a sketch that relates to sad virgin Totally And it's not even true Right We're not sad Yeah Did that joke on the Tonight show last night.

[460] Yeah, baby.

[461] That's awesome.

[462] By the time this thing air, so it was forgotten all about that shit.

[463] Now listen.

[464] Well, you don't have any history with the tonight show to you.

[465] What happened with that?

[466] Yeah, I thought you were doing that.

[467] Let me tell you.

[468] He just couldn't handle too much comedy, see?

[469] It was a different time.

[470] You guys were like three when that happened.

[471] I know.

[472] You don't care.

[473] And that's how I know Sona from the Can't Stop.

[474] documentary.

[475] Yeah, that's right.

[476] Oh, yeah.

[477] Son was in Conan O 'Brien Can't Stop.

[478] Yeah.

[479] You were high there, too.

[480] I was.

[481] You drank a lot on that tour.

[482] I was eating the whole time.

[483] I was high a lot, and I was drunk a lot.

[484] You're welcome.

[485] Best assistant I've ever had.

[486] My favorite photo, and I kept it, and I have it taped up, is there's a photo of like 15 people who got backstage at some event, and I'm taking a a number of giant selfies with them and in the foreground, Sona's drinking the largest glass of white wine you've ever seen not helping me in any way.

[487] You're welcome.

[488] Yeah.

[489] Have you ever, have you guys ever smoked together?

[490] Smoked weed?

[491] No. What about heroin?

[492] Oh.

[493] Yeah.

[494] That we do all the time.

[495] Yeah.

[496] Heroin's a very quick, sustained high.

[497] Yeah.

[498] It's fantastic.

[499] Are you okay, man?

[500] What about heroin?

[501] We have to go back to work after this.

[502] We do.

[503] It's writing night at SNL.

[504] Listen, Lauren won't know.

[505] He's not there.

[506] Lauren shows up Saturday at 1 o 'clock in the afternoon.

[507] What's happening?

[508] None of this.

[509] We'll cut it out.

[510] Sure, it'll be fine.

[511] Did Conan say that?

[512] What's he doing?

[513] Is he still in the business?

[514] Can't he just age naturally?

[515] So, anyway, Lorne came to an audition.

[516] That's how you got on SNL.

[517] Yes.

[518] And did you know he was in the audience when you auditioned for Lauren?

[519] We did.

[520] We had been making a bunch of videos online on Twitter and TikTok and stuff, and those had started getting some attention from people at the show.

[521] And then, yeah, they were like, hey, Lauren is going to come see your show at this basement improv theater in New York.

[522] And it was terrifying.

[523] And he had a mask on.

[524] It was, like, kind of right at the end of COVID.

[525] A Nixon mask.

[526] He used to do that to try and throw off performers.

[527] I'm Nixon.

[528] You are really good at impressions, my friend.

[529] Yep, that's my Nixon.

[530] It was similar to your Lorne.

[531] Not really.

[532] Very different impression.

[533] Yeah.

[534] Ask me for another one.

[535] Cat Williams.

[536] What's that?

[537] Here I am.

[538] I'm Kat Williams.

[539] And now I'm obfewable.

[540] Obama.

[541] Cat Williams.

[542] Where did you come up with that?

[543] I love Cat Williams.

[544] So anyway, you knew he was going to be in the audience.

[545] He were terrified, but it worked out.

[546] It worked out.

[547] He came backstage after the show, and he shook our hands and was like, I think I'll be seeing you soon.

[548] Yeah.

[549] And I don't know why you're laughing.

[550] It's not a joke.

[551] Who fucking laughed at that?

[552] Bring all the lights on.

[553] Get him out.

[554] Get him out.

[555] We start going through people what I want.

[556] You from Tokyo.

[557] You came all the way from Tokyo.

[558] People came from Tokyo to be here.

[559] That's insane.

[560] And they got us.

[561] Please don't destroy.

[562] Man, you were on the flight over being like, it's surely Tina Faye.

[563] Those guys have made like three videos.

[564] Come on, you're the hip, cool thing.

[565] You're up and coming.

[566] You're on the edge.

[567] You'll see.

[568] It's all going your way.

[569] Hey, I was part of you had a very successful tour this summer and you asked me to drop by and I did, you guys did a show in D .C. And I came to that show and I watched you guys and you killed it and you were hilarious your sketches are fantastic.

[570] Thanks, Colin.

[571] You were so, that was awesome.

[572] And then you brought me on stage and humiliated me. I don't think that it was humiliating.

[573] That was fantastic.

[574] It was a great idea.

[575] It was also funny that we had you fly out to D .C. to be in the show and then told you when you were there, we had a show in L .A. the next week.

[576] That's a true story.

[577] Which is where you live.

[578] They told me, there's a spot for you in D .C., and I said, I really like these kids, so I flew from L .A. to D .C., and backstage, they said, we're at the Wiltern Theater in two weeks, which is 22 minutes from my house.

[579] If I'm crawling on my belly, it's 22 minutes.

[580] Anyway, it was nice.

[581] I enjoyed the flight from L .A. to D .C. is the best flight.

[582] Oh, my God.

[583] I didn't know they made a commercial airliner that small and narrow.

[584] Yeah, they projected a movie that's for everybody to watch.

[585] They did it old school.

[586] But anyway, I came, and I was really impressed with your sketches.

[587] They're very original, they're very cool, and I just loved it.

[588] I loved being part of it.

[589] You know what's funny is you also, didn't you have a three -man sketch?

[590] group back in the day with Odin Kirk and Robert Smigle Odin Kirk it wasn't three men we had a bunch of other people but we did it in Chicago it was called Happy Happy Good Show and we did a lot of the things on stage that audiences at the time didn't like that much but they ended up being on the late night show year 2000 was hell yeah we used to do that in Chicago and that was in the summer of 88 and it was a blast and then who knew?

[591] I mean, I always thought Bob Odenkirk was one of the funniest people ever and now he's one of the world's greatest actors.

[592] And I was like, I didn't know.

[593] I had no idea.

[594] I'm so happy for him, yeah.

[595] Somebody tagged us in a photo of the three of you and was like, this is, please don't destroy.

[596] Yeah, those are good times.

[597] The tour was a big success.

[598] We had a lot of fun.

[599] Yeah, it was fun.

[600] And you did something in that that I thought was like this new, I could tell it was a new level of comedy that things have changed, you, when you're done with a sketch, you just say, and it does really well.

[601] Everyone's laughing.

[602] You went, okay, so that was that one.

[603] We don't want to waste people.

[604] Next one, and I thought, who does that?

[605] Who does that?

[606] Yeah.

[607] And you guys do it.

[608] And I was talking to other comedy friends of mine, and we said, I didn't know we could do that.

[609] That we could just say, okay, that's that one.

[610] And it makes me think back to all the years where I struggled to think of an ending for a sketch.

[611] And this, and it's fake because endings are often terrible for a sketch.

[612] And so we would work really hard and come up with an ending and be like, well, I guess we sure are the mouse family.

[613] And then they would cut to G .E. Smith, the guitarist, going, loom, doong, do, do, dung, dung, dung, dend.

[614] And they would go to commercial break.

[615] And I would just be, we would force America to applaud that ending.

[616] Yeah.

[617] And I watch the endings to my sketches now, and I feel, I'm humiliating.

[618] It's so embarrassing.

[619] Oh, it was a waste of time.

[620] Yeah.

[621] Thanks.

[622] I was a drowning man and you threw me an anvil.

[623] I remember when we were in college, John and I were on a sketch group together that, like, the years -long, like, format was that you would black out the lights at the end of a sketch and the whole group would, like, dance together while people are changing.

[624] Well, that's a war crime.

[625] And it was humiliating.

[626] So I think it's kind of in response to that.

[627] I think we rebelled against it.

[628] So you just said, yeah, so you just learned.

[629] I mean, mining Python figured out in 1969, you can just say, and now for something completely different.

[630] And I thought they, like, broke the sound barrier.

[631] And then the United States, we just kept plotting along with, well, I guess we do have big bottoms.

[632] And then music would play, and everyone's like, I guess that was an ending?

[633] It was, no, it was really fun being on tour.

[634] It was fun, like, meeting people in person who have seen us in our videos, because people would always ask.

[635] us like, are you guys really best friends in real life?

[636] Yeah.

[637] And the truth is almost all of us are.

[638] just get through this guys.

[639] I don't know who the odd man out is.

[640] This will have to figure that out.

[641] No, for real.

[642] These are genuinely some of my coworkers.

[643] And you like those bits?

[644] I did like those bits.

[645] Thanks, Conan.

[646] Yeah, we planned them.

[647] You guys must be super excited to be sitting with me. Yeah.

[648] Okay.

[649] No, I genuinely don't want to pander to get the crowd to cheer, but Conan O 'Brien is the best to ever do it, and we love him so much.

[650] Absolutely.

[651] It's not pandering at all.

[652] No, we're not pandering.

[653] Said that as written.

[654] It was your contractual.

[655] You guys were very nice because, and this is where we have to be delicate, because there is a, you know, a strike happening right now, which I think is going to get resolved, I hope, any hour now, any second now.

[656] So we're not promoting things, but I did work on a project with you guys.

[657] Yeah.

[658] A project that may be projected at some point.

[659] What the fuck, man?

[660] That's out of protest.

[661] That was mad.

[662] That was mad.

[663] I want attention.

[664] Have we boxed you guys out this whole time?

[665] No. No. Okay.

[666] We're really having a good time over here.

[667] I'm very much the Martin of this group.

[668] Yeah.

[669] Right.

[670] Feels like the three of you have a good thing on.

[671] All of us out here that are two that refuse to speak.

[672] You guys invited me. Are you talking about the auto worker strike?

[673] No. I'm talking about the SAG after strike.

[674] And so we're trying to respect that and not talk about, say, an upcoming project.

[675] I've been told to use the word project that might be coming out soon involving you gentlemen and you were kind enough to ask me to be part of it.

[676] Yeah.

[677] To play one of your fathers.

[678] One of you...

[679] Can't say.

[680] And I got the call and I am a big fan and was thinking it would be...

[681] Oh, that's cool and then I read the script for the project and I said...

[682] The script.

[683] which would then create the project which will be projected in maybe some kind of a room and other rooms across the country and I said oh that's really funny I would love to do that so I was honored that you guys chose me from the literally tens of thousands of people that look just like you we had so many options it was me or Ron Howard yeah we've been snarky But we love you, Conan.

[684] And for real, when we were doing, without honestly promoting it too much, when we were in the midst of trying to figure out what the role was going to be, we were like going out to a bunch of people like Paul Rudd was.

[685] Oh, yeah.

[686] But I felt like.

[687] Because you've used him in a lot of your stuff.

[688] He's hilarious.

[689] Yeah.

[690] He's hilarious.

[691] He's the best.

[692] He's terrific.

[693] It just wasn't, it wasn't like a fit.

[694] It didn't like, yeah, work for the, it wasn't right.

[695] But we love him.

[696] He's great.

[697] How do you.

[698] Oh, guys.

[699] Oh, hey.

[700] Hey, Paul.

[701] What's going on?

[702] Oh.

[703] Hi.

[704] Thank you.

[705] Hello.

[706] Hi.

[707] No, please sit down.

[708] Please sit down.

[709] Thank you.

[710] No, they sat down a while ago.

[711] Yeah.

[712] They're probably listening on their phones.

[713] They don't know no one was standing up.

[714] And don't take it for...

[715] They were doing that for all the guests tonight, so...

[716] Yeah.

[717] Look, I wasn't anticipating coming out.

[718] I thought I would just be standing in the wings, not saying a word, much like Martin.

[719] But then I heard what was going on, and I felt, oh, I needed to say something, right?

[720] I mean, I needed to state my case.

[721] Well, they just said that you weren't a good fit and that they thought I was the better fit for it, that's all.

[722] Right.

[723] No, I got that.

[724] And by the way, you, they have every right.

[725] What the hell?

[726] Come on.

[727] Fucking ridiculous.

[728] Please continue.

[729] They have every right to cast their project in any way they want.

[730] Of course.

[731] They're the creative minds.

[732] And I think they made a great choice.

[733] But look, I have a subscription to Dramalog.

[734] I get the breakdowns through my agency, the Savage Agency.

[735] I know what's going on out there in the industry.

[736] And so I heard about the project.

[737] And I'm like, hey, this sounds great.

[738] I should just reach out, you know, and say, great.

[739] I'd love to be a part of this.

[740] They said, terrific.

[741] We'd love for you to come in an audition.

[742] I said, guys, come on.

[743] I mean, look, I was in Halloween 6.

[744] I'm offer only.

[745] But they wanted to see it, you know, which I get.

[746] I understand.

[747] I said, well, here's the problem.

[748] I can't come in right now because, well, we're in the middle of a lockdown.

[749] It's COVID.

[750] To which you guys said, and I will never forget this, you said, that's not a real thing.

[751] I remember that.

[752] They were very, yes.

[753] And I said, no, it's very much a real thing.

[754] In fact, I have it right now.

[755] I'm wearing a Nixon mask and everything.

[756] That's called a callback.

[757] We're learning a lot about comedy tonight.

[758] Hey, everyone with microphones, toast.

[759] What a great experience.

[760] There was nothing weird about that.

[761] Not at all.

[762] So I said, all right, well, look, here's the deal.

[763] I can't come in.

[764] But I could probably audition.

[765] I could do this remote.

[766] I'm here with I'm here with my elderly mother and maybe we could if you send me the pages I could put together something I can work with her obviously I felt good about this because as I did know elderly people are they don't they're not affected by COVID so yes exactly so we worked on the audition and I was really proud of it I was really excited and I said all right well just you know I'm film it I can put out a link I'll give you a password I'll send it off and then I never heard anything which was a little upsetting because I thought it was pretty good and if you're interested you guys can be the judge and maybe you can see whether or not I was right for the part or not I don't know I feel pretty secure that I nailed it but let's Let's see what you did with it.

[767] Should we do that?

[768] Is that all right with you guys?

[769] Fine, fine.

[770] Let's do it.

[771] All right.

[772] Well, let's see his audition.

[773] Let's a rip.

[774] Now, I get that my mom throws it off.

[775] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Rudd.

[776] Colonel thanks for them.

[777] Colonel thanks to please don't destroy for stopping by.

[778] Be honest.

[779] The second you saw Paul Rudd, who knew?

[780] Yeah.

[781] It still doesn't matter, does it?

[782] You're just waiting.

[783] Even I was like, oh, I can't wait.

[784] Yeah.

[785] I know it's going to happen.

[786] It's the setup.

[787] But I want it to happen.

[788] Yeah, he's really invested in the setup, too.

[789] You're like, maybe it is an audition tape.

[790] Yeah.

[791] No, it's not.

[792] No, he could go on for maybe four hours talking and then working his way slowly to it.

[793] And I'd still be happy to see that.

[794] He's been doing that, I think, for maybe 15 years to me. Someone did a mashup?

[795] Have you ever seen the mashup online?

[796] Do you have any one...

[797] Why are you holding that boy?

[798] Do all of those work right now?

[799] One, two, three.

[800] Okay.

[801] Just in case I need them.

[802] Okay.

[803] Well, that was delightful.

[804] That was delightful.

[805] You know what else is delightful?

[806] We have some big news.

[807] We do.

[808] Celebrating this five -year anniversary, which we've learned...

[809] We've learned is called the quinquennial celebration.

[810] Yeah, we are celebrating, and this is what we've done.

[811] Ladies and gentlemen.

[812] I have a card.

[813] What's that?

[814] I was like, yeah, I have a card.

[815] Someday you'll have a card.

[816] That doesn't say anything on it.

[817] It says Q setup.

[818] I know business.

[819] Yeah.

[820] Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to announce that to celebrate our five years, all new original content, we are coming out with a vinyl record.

[821] Yeah.

[822] Connor O 'Brien needs a friend.

[823] Quinneal Celebrate.

[824] there I am on the cover and yes that's my orgasm face shock and sad surprise every time every time many times a day anyway it's a limited edition vinyl only 1 ,500 copies are going to be made yeah that's right and it's vinyl and if you want to celebrate the future it's cool I think it's very cool and also we listened to it the other day it's stuff that hasn't happened on the podcast it's all new there's some stuff in there I really like and the pre -order is going to start tomorrow at 11 a .m. Eastern Standard Time at Newberrycom slash Conan and these are going to come out but I think it's cool I'm glad that we have a record coming out Yeah, like you said, it's all original content.

[825] It's also a little bit more juzed up than normal.

[826] It's got some music, some production and stuff.

[827] We wanted to make it a little bit more quality.

[828] It makes the podcast we do every week sort of look shitty.

[829] Yeah, yeah.

[830] Or exposes just how shitty it is.

[831] It exposes how shitty it is.

[832] It holds a magnifying glass up to how little is there.

[833] So you want to get this, or you don't have to.

[834] You know, there's 15.

[835] What are you doing?

[836] I don't like to oversell.

[837] I would prefer you.

[838] not get this.

[839] Conan!

[840] There's a lot of things to spend money on.

[841] You know, these are probably very cheap, but still, you could buy, I don't know what you could buy in Brooklyn, but you could buy like four cups of coffee or this vinyl.

[842] Yeah.

[843] So, I don't know.

[844] It's going to be cool.

[845] Yeah.

[846] And you should get it, guys.

[847] I shouldn't have said, don't buy it.

[848] Yes.

[849] People are going to be upset because people worked hard on it, and it's very high quality.

[850] I wouldn't buy it.

[851] But I don't know why anyone advertises on our podcast.

[852] I don't either.

[853] Because I'm terrible at doing an advertising.

[854] I just like to have fun.

[855] And a lot of the times I find out, yeah, they're still going to stick with you, even though you mocked the product and said it will kill people.

[856] They're still sticking with us.

[857] But, yeah, don't buy this.

[858] It's great.

[859] It's good vinyl.

[860] Get it.

[861] Get the vinyl.

[862] Just stop.

[863] Don't get the vinyl.

[864] Stop.

[865] We're losing sales as we speak.

[866] Don't buy it.

[867] Okay, stop.

[868] Buy it.

[869] Get it.

[870] It's really good.

[871] It's got a lot of good stuff on it.

[872] I wouldn't get it if I were you.

[873] Get the vinyl.

[874] It's very good.

[875] It's excellent.

[876] It's got a lot of fun surprises.

[877] I really am saying sincerely buy it.

[878] Okay, good.

[879] End there.

[880] Okay.

[881] This is terrible.

[882] I wouldn't do it.

[883] I wouldn't do it.

[884] Sorry, I'm just trying to see how far I can go.

[885] Okay, I'll stop.

[886] I'll stop.

[887] You're done.

[888] Make sure you get it.

[889] Get it.

[890] Have to get it.

[891] Holidays are coming up.

[892] You want a holiday gift.

[893] But then think of all the other gifts you could get someone for the holidays.

[894] There's so many things you could get someone for the holidays.

[895] How do you even know they have a record player?

[896] I swear to God, someone backstage was like, mention the holidays.

[897] I wouldn't give someone a final record as a gift.

[898] What are the chances they have a record player?

[899] There's like one in five?

[900] One in ten?

[901] That's pushing it.

[902] Oh, I know you guys are cool and you have them.

[903] No!

[904] No. Stop.

[905] Don't get it.

[906] Get the record.

[907] It's great.

[908] It's great.

[909] Okay.

[910] We're going to move on?

[911] Yep.

[912] All set.

[913] Ready to go.

[914] What's next?

[915] For our next segment...

[916] No, no. I'm all set.

[917] Okay.

[918] For our next segment, we are going to listen to some very special pre -selected voicemails.

[919] Oh.

[920] These are voice mails.

[921] Live.

[922] Yeah.

[923] With real questions.

[924] Mm -hmm.

[925] Okay.

[926] And these are coming to us over the phone line.

[927] Is that correct?

[928] Yeah.

[929] Live over the phones.

[930] Cool.

[931] Yeah, definitely over the phones being piped in from somewhere else, even though here they come down the center aisle.

[932] First up, Matilda Meyer.

[933] Hi, welcome.

[934] Hi, Matilda.

[935] How are you?

[936] Good.

[937] How are you guys?

[938] My question for you guys, if you guys woke up and you were a chair one day, would you let sit on you?

[939] This is my favorite question.

[940] Who would we let sit on us?

[941] What is wrong with you?

[942] I feel sexually harassed right now.

[943] If I was a chair, is that the question?

[944] If you were a chair, who would you want to...

[945] What?

[946] Okay, so you go first, Gorley, go.

[947] Oh, no, no. Yeah, let's have it.

[948] Oh, well, I mean, I just...

[949] There's two ways to approach this question.

[950] Oh, God.

[951] I'm going to take the non -sexual way.

[952] Ooh.

[953] Okay.

[954] Share.

[955] Wait, what?

[956] I panicked.

[957] What did you say?

[958] I said share.

[959] Share.

[960] Because it rhymes with chair?

[961] Is that the only reason you...

[962] You chose it?

[963] Maybe.

[964] I'm having a real tough time.

[965] Okay.

[966] Share, that's a good answer.

[967] She's an iconic, hey, Armenian superstar.

[968] Yeah, she is.

[969] Yeah, that's cool.

[970] That's a good answer.

[971] That would have been one of my answers.

[972] You can have it.

[973] No, no. You have to come up with your own.

[974] I mean, mine's obviously Slash, the love of my life.

[975] I mean, besides my husband.

[976] Oh, right.

[977] Besides my husband.

[978] But, no, Slash, who's, you know, my husband.

[979] boyfriend.

[980] But you want him to sit on you.

[981] Yeah.

[982] Oh.

[983] I do.

[984] Wouldn't you want, Slash, to sit on you?

[985] No. I love his music, but that doesn't translate to I want his ass on me, you know?

[986] Oh, yeah.

[987] It doesn't translate.

[988] Is that what you're talking?

[989] I don't want, yeah.

[990] I think it would have to be a historical figure for me. I would want to say...

[991] Oh, God.

[992] Yes.

[993] Who?

[994] What?

[995] I would want it to be a historical figure, and because I'm a chair, I want him to be very light.

[996] So there's not a lot of weight.

[997] A very small, historical figure?

[998] Napoleon?

[999] And when I could say Napoleon sat on me, that's a big deal.

[1000] Did it hurt?

[1001] No. He's like 5 '1.

[1002] And this is after his retreat from Russia and he's lost a lot of weight and it's a very light Napoleon.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] And his feet are dangling.

[1005] His feet are dangling and he's kicking them.

[1006] And he's like I'm the emperor.

[1007] He's dangling his feet.

[1008] And I'm a chair that's animated so I can laugh at him.

[1009] You're pretty small there, buddy This chair is laughing at me I do not like it What's that?

[1010] Your French impression is good I like it Oh, this chair is laughing at me I don't like it That's right That's our really good French accent Yeah No one does better accents than Sona and Conan I think we've answered your question Thank you, Matilda It's very nice to meet you, Matilda Thank you Next up Kevin Smith.

[1011] How's it going on, guys?

[1012] If you guys were to do a group Halloween costume, what would you do?

[1013] What the hell is going on here?

[1014] I like that one.

[1015] I like both these so far.

[1016] No, they're very creative, but we've never had all the questions be, this is interesting, this is great, these are really interesting questions.

[1017] Now, if we were a group Halloween costume?

[1018] Share slash and Napoleon.

[1019] Human centipede.

[1020] Oh!

[1021] Human centipede.

[1022] Napoleon.

[1023] Human celebrity.

[1024] Yes, human celebrity, though.

[1025] You would dress up like another celebrity.

[1026] Is that what you mean?

[1027] I'm kind of a celebrity.

[1028] I would be, I'm at the front.

[1029] I'm Napoleon.

[1030] No, I want to be at the front.

[1031] Nope, I called the front.

[1032] Come on.

[1033] Don't put me at the middle.

[1034] I'm up front going, I am Napoleon.

[1035] I am leading this army of three.

[1036] And then...

[1037] Not me in the middle.

[1038] I won't do the middle.

[1039] Well, the middle's still better than the end.

[1040] No, the middle is the worst.

[1041] If you both die, I'm just stuck.

[1042] Who actually watched Human Centipede here?

[1043] Anybody?

[1044] I've seen it.

[1045] Wow, that's awful.

[1046] That's one of the most awful things.

[1047] Remember, when we were on tour, it came out.

[1048] And you went to the back of the tour bus and watched it.

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] With Megan, and you guys watched Human Centipede, and you came out, and it's like you had seen the face of death.

[1051] Yes.

[1052] You came out.

[1053] Your minds were just wiped.

[1054] clean.

[1055] And the internet was spotty, so it would keep buffering, and it took us four hours to watch it.

[1056] God.

[1057] Yeah.

[1058] So what do you think of our answer?

[1059] Fantastic.

[1060] Okay.

[1061] All right.

[1062] Thank you very much, sir.

[1063] It's nice to meet you.

[1064] My name is Sengal.

[1065] I'm a huge fan of you all.

[1066] Conan and I made a sculpture of your face in high school, but that's not my question.

[1067] Wait, well, I'd like to ask a few questions about that before we get your question.

[1068] That bears a follow -up.

[1069] That makes sense.

[1070] Well, let's, and were you from?

[1071] From Long Island.

[1072] Okay, you're from Long Island, and, uh, woo, um, I just added one woo because there were so few.

[1073] You made a sculpture of me in high school and, um, everyone got to choose what they got to sculpt and you, how did it go over with the teacher when you said, um, first of all, did the teacher know that it was Conan O 'Brien or do you think that it was someone else?

[1074] So we had to bring like an example photo.

[1075] So of course I brought you.

[1076] Everyone brought like, you know, Greek figures, you know, tailor.

[1077] sweat.

[1078] I brought Conan and Brought.

[1079] Sona, I don't know why you're laughing.

[1080] Everyone brought great figures.

[1081] It sounded like she said everyone else.

[1082] Yeah, that's what she said.

[1083] I mean, I didn't detect that at all.

[1084] I detected, she said, like everyone else, I brought a great figure.

[1085] Was the teacher okay with it being me?

[1086] Be honest.

[1087] He was a little weirded out, but he liked it.

[1088] Okay.

[1089] All right.

[1090] And what was the medium that you used?

[1091] What was it made of?

[1092] Cardboard.

[1093] Wait.

[1094] I'm sorry.

[1095] How do you make a sculpture out of cardboard?

[1096] That's not a sculpture.

[1097] Did you draw something on a box?

[1098] And then you panicked when you got to the microphone and said sculpture?

[1099] No, no, it was 3D.

[1100] It stood on its own.

[1101] It was beautiful.

[1102] A little creepy, but beautiful.

[1103] Why was it creepy?

[1104] Because I made it, not because of you, of course.

[1105] Okay, no. I would love to see it.

[1106] You still have it?

[1107] I think I have a photo of it.

[1108] I will send it.

[1109] But the original must have meant so much to you.

[1110] I don't know why you would have gotten rid of it.

[1111] It's in storage.

[1112] It has an insurance policy.

[1113] Thank you.

[1114] Thank you.

[1115] That was so good and so fast.

[1116] Thank you.

[1117] It's like the rosebud sled and Citizen Kane.

[1118] Okay, well, that's very nice.

[1119] That's very cool.

[1120] And let's hear your question.

[1121] Sure.

[1122] My question was, when you get to New York, what's your first stop for food?

[1123] Oh, that's a really good question.

[1124] I have to say my super guilty pleasure is the Chinese food on the Upper West Side in New York, like Shun Lee.

[1125] They don't have that.

[1126] They don't have anything like that in Los Angeles.

[1127] And true story, I don't want to get in trouble, but this is a true story.

[1128] I was so happy about Shun Li that I took all my writers when we did a week of shows at the Apollo Theater a couple of years ago.

[1129] I took them all to Shun Lee for a big dinner and we all had a big dinner and we closed the place down.

[1130] We were the last people to leave and we all left and it was a really great night and in the morning one of the top stories in the York Post was Shun Lee raided for health violations.

[1131] Oh, really?

[1132] I'm serious like the raid happened after we left.

[1133] Now I have a gone there since, because apparently it was a problem that was fixed and blah, blah, blah, but it was the next day in the paper that they, we, I think we left at like 1115, and it said like at 1 .15 on the morning, just after this red, this tall red -haired woman left, they raided Shun Li.

[1134] But I have to say, it's that, I have a, that's my guilty pleasure is that really, that Chinese food that would be unrecognizable in China.

[1135] You know?

[1136] Like they would say, that's not Chinese food.

[1137] What have you done to this?

[1138] But it's absolutely amazing.

[1139] And you go there and it's just an absolute, it's everything is really goppy and sugary.

[1140] I just absolutely, I'm not selling it well.

[1141] I'm selling it.

[1142] Selling it about it.

[1143] Don't go there is what I'm saying.

[1144] After you don't buy the vinyl.

[1145] Don't go to Shenli.

[1146] No, I'm going to make sure I'm legally safe here.

[1147] They took care of that.

[1148] They took care of whatever that problem was.

[1149] And I've been to.

[1150] to Shun Lee since.

[1151] And it's a great place.

[1152] Also, I think final's coming back.

[1153] There you go.

[1154] How is that?

[1155] Did that go okay?

[1156] That was perfect.

[1157] Why does your microphone keep going?

[1158] What's, your microphone is getting depressed.

[1159] Okay.

[1160] Thank you very much.

[1161] It was very nice to meet you.

[1162] Thank you, Sanjula.

[1163] Thank you.

[1164] Sean.

[1165] Are you Sean?

[1166] That's me. What is your name, sir?

[1167] Sean.

[1168] Sean.

[1169] So, my question is something that my wife and I have been feuding over the last couple months.

[1170] We're wondering if it's okay to name a child after your pet.

[1171] Name a child after, wait, whose pet?

[1172] Our pet.

[1173] What's the pet's name?

[1174] Zelda.

[1175] Well, wait a minute.

[1176] Zelda's a nice name.

[1177] Is the pet still alive?

[1178] Yeah, she's four.

[1179] The pet is a dog or a cat?

[1180] Oh, she's a dog.

[1181] You have a dog that's alive.

[1182] Yeah.

[1183] And that's young for a dog, four.

[1184] Yeah.

[1185] What breed is the dog?

[1186] She's a black lab.

[1187] Black lab, okay.

[1188] You have a black lab.

[1189] It's going to live for a long time named Zelda.

[1190] You want to name your child?

[1191] We don't have any children.

[1192] Yeah.

[1193] So this is a hypothetical.

[1194] I think...

[1195] Did you realize how precious this time is?

[1196] You know, we were just wondering, you know, maybe your answer could help sway us.

[1197] Because you're thinking of naming a child, Zelda.

[1198] Well, it's a feud, so I would love to.

[1199] She doesn't.

[1200] Yeah.

[1201] But you don't know if there's going to be a child any time in the future.

[1202] I think your answer may help, you know, determine.

[1203] A lot of pressure.

[1204] That's more pressure than people coming from England to see this show.

[1205] I'm going to say no. And I think the crowd's with me on this.

[1206] Because if you have a child any time in the near future and the dog and the child coexist, And you're constantly saying, bad Zelda, bad Zelda.

[1207] Your child, your daughter grows up, traumatized.

[1208] I disagree.

[1209] Wait, you disagree?

[1210] Yeah, I disagree.

[1211] My kid's name is Charlie, and my dad had a dog named Charlie growing up.

[1212] Well, that's different house of a different time.

[1213] First of all, his entire future hinges on this answer, and you're saying don't have children.

[1214] No!

[1215] He didn't say don't have children.

[1216] All I said was have children, but don't name the child Zelda if it co -exist with the dog.

[1217] The dog named Zelda and the child named Zelda cannot coexist at the same time.

[1218] It's just wrong.

[1219] No, but the dog is going to die.

[1220] Ah, where are you getting these mics?

[1221] Are they here in Brooklyn?

[1222] This is insanity.

[1223] Can you not change the dog's name?

[1224] You can't change a four -year -old dog's name.

[1225] I've tried.

[1226] But the daughter could be junior.

[1227] What?

[1228] Yes.

[1229] The daughter's going to be junior?

[1230] You go sit down.

[1231] Yeah, you're just a monster.

[1232] No offense.

[1233] And you come back when you're ready to apologize.

[1234] This is time none of us will ever have back.

[1235] Watch you.

[1236] This poor he just really did.

[1237] Yeah, he left the theater.

[1238] I just picture him walking all the way home.

[1239] His wife was like, what happened?

[1240] Oh, I was thrown out of the theater.

[1241] Oh, my God, that was fantastic.

[1242] Hello, what's your name?

[1243] Hello.

[1244] My name is Brenna.

[1245] Hi, Brenna.

[1246] I hope the stakes of my question are going to be far lower than whatever just happened.

[1247] I think it would just be refreshing.

[1248] Yeah.

[1249] To not be speaking to a sociopath.

[1250] Well, no promise.

[1251] The question is, is it okay to name your child after your other child?

[1252] I think that's okay, actually.

[1253] Yeah.

[1254] No, I wanted to know for each of you, who was your childhood crush?

[1255] I didn't think that was an awe question.

[1256] No, that's a nice question.

[1257] You mean a celebrity or a celebrity?

[1258] I didn't mean real person.

[1259] I mean, like, celebrity.

[1260] Yeah, I think it's got to be celebrity because, I mean, I could have answered that question.

[1261] Because if I say, you know, oh, it was, you know, Laura Caprile, everyone goes like, well, that was a waste of time.

[1262] Who, though, cares about Laura Caprile?

[1263] Laura's family.

[1264] Well, no, I love Laura Caprile.

[1265] I threw out a name of a girl I fancied back in the day, but I'm just telling you that that wouldn't be, I would assume, that would not be the...

[1266] Satisfying.

[1267] Yeah, satisfying to people.

[1268] First of all, why don't you tell us, did you have a celebrity crush growing up?

[1269] Well, it's not a celebrity, but I realize that my childhood crush actually has some physical similarities to you, Conan.

[1270] It was a...

[1271] Wait a minute.

[1272] This could go.

[1273] Wait a minute.

[1274] Let me tell you from experience, this can go very badly.

[1275] You had a crush on Slender Man?

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] Close.

[1278] There was a balloon outside a car dealership.

[1279] Very close.

[1280] Gumby.

[1281] And I wanted to marry you.

[1282] Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas He's not even real I am Jack Skellington I'm also Hermie the elf from the Seneca yeah yeah There's a couple of people that I've been through history But okay that's a good answer Gourley Well when I was a kid I had a crush on Pippy Longstocking This has come up before And then also Blondie I split my time between Blondie and Pippie Blondie, the singer.

[1283] Okay, that makes sense.

[1284] I, Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block.

[1285] Yeah, right.

[1286] You guys get it.

[1287] He was like, he was like my first, what, huh?

[1288] Oh, Dorchester.

[1289] You're from there, near there.

[1290] Why are you pronouncing it wrong if you're from there?

[1291] It's Dorchester.

[1292] Dorchester.

[1293] Well, I loved him.

[1294] And then, but again, slash, who I mentioned earlier, was like my sexual awakening.

[1295] So they were both very pivotal in the person that I think I became.

[1296] Right, right.

[1297] Mine was Jordan Knight.

[1298] Oh, I was 50 at the time.

[1299] Oh, God.

[1300] Yeah, I have a weird one, which is I really kind of had a crush on Sally Field.

[1301] that's not weird?

[1302] No, here's the weird thing.

[1303] It's when she was playing a nun.

[1304] And I was raised very Catholic.

[1305] And there was a show a million years ago, maybe you've called The Flying Nun, and she was adorable, and I was like, I have a crush on her, and she was a nun.

[1306] That's so loaded.

[1307] It's just so loaded.

[1308] And then I remembered thinking, oh, no, I mean, okay, what does that mean, that's who I, I mean, I know you don't choose these things, but then fortunately, Jordan Knight came along and I was able to move on.

[1309] Can it be someone in animation?

[1310] Who, in animation?

[1311] Oh, I don't know.

[1312] Wally.

[1313] Wally's cute.

[1314] He is so cute.

[1315] Did you ever have a crush on an animated figure?

[1316] You know, my friends and I for a hot second were into the X -Men guys, but the cartoon version.

[1317] So we were really into Gambit.

[1318] So from, like, just drawings.

[1319] Just drawings.

[1320] Yeah, that makes sense to me. It does?

[1321] It's kind of does.

[1322] Yeah, I can see that.

[1323] Yeah.

[1324] I mean, I can't think of any others, but there have been a few cartoons where I'm like, yeah, you can get it.

[1325] Well, thank you for your question.

[1326] I hope we answered it.

[1327] And good luck with your next sculpture.

[1328] Okay, well.

[1329] That's all the time we have.

[1330] Can I say something?

[1331] I'm sorry, I said cartoons.

[1332] I'm not comic books.

[1333] Well, that saved it.

[1334] Yeah.

[1335] You guys have been a fantastic crowd.

[1336] Thank you very much for being here tonight.

[1337] You've been really nice.

[1338] I think it's time that we let people go home.

[1339] Sonomov Sassian, Matt Gourley.

[1340] Happy five.

[1341] We always like to end things on this sweet note.

[1342] So we'll do that right now.

[1343] You can feel free to file out if you don't want to hear me sing.

[1344] Because a lot of people don't.

[1345] Follow us here.

[1346] Here the other.

[1347] Brand new shoes.

[1348] Walking loose.

[1349] Climbing the fence.

[1350] You're going to be friends.

[1351] Tell that we are going to be friends Sing it if you now.

[1352] Walk with me, Susie Lee, through the park by the tree.

[1353] We will rest upon the ground.

[1354] Look at all the buzz we found.

[1355] Safely walked to school without a sound.

[1356] Say it's safe to school without a sound.

[1357] Here we are.

[1358] No one else.

[1359] We walk to school by ourselves.

[1360] There's dirt on our uniforms from playing with the ants and worms.

[1361] We clean up now.

[1362] Now it's time to learn.

[1363] It's time to learn.

[1364] You don't notice any time past.

[1365] We don't notice anything.

[1366] We sit side by side in every class.

[1367] Teacher thinks that I sound funny, but she loves the way you sing.

[1368] Tonight I dream when I'm in bed.

[1369] Silly thoughts go through my head about the bugs in alphabet.

[1370] When I wake tomorrow I bet that you You and I will walk together again.

[1371] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[1372] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[1373] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1374] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1375] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1376] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1377] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1378] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1379] Supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1380] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[1381] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1382] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1383] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1384] Got a question for Conan?

[1385] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.

[1386] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1387] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a message.

[1388] friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.